Romancing the Pod

“For kids not allowed to watch Game of Thrones but craving incest-adjacent pop culture.”

This week’s hottest movie is... High School Musical.

This film has everything: a faux-flamenco fever dream, A locker-room intervention , and a Phantom of Albuquerque stalking local MILFs. If you love high school melodrama, motivational locker talks, and people that don't understand object permanence, this episode’s for you!

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“The brown barrel is loaded, Paige.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Mean Girls. This film has everything: a talent-show plea of “don’t look at me” that stuns, a pastry-dynasty slapdown, and a casual confession that is utterly pitch-black. If you love stage-fright spirals, mean-girl pastry wars, and hush-tone bombshells, this episode’s truly for you!

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"He both did and didn’t have sex with his mom and sister.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Not Another Teen Movie. This film has everything: a jock with an alarmingly “supportive” sister, A TED talk on how to give a proper 'Slow Clap', and an entrance so dramatic the whole school freezes until Amanda Becker moves. If you love parody deep-cuts, chaotic prom energy, and Captain America before the serum, this episode’s for you!

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“Ducky, you’re a great friend. I’ll see you after the first divorce.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Pretty in Pink. This film has everything: Duckie serving glam-goth like he’s the spare heir in a vampire dynasty, more blazers and perms than you’d ever expect to see on literally everyone, and a prom dress so underwhelming you’ll never be able to brush your teeth without thinking about it again. If you love goth flair, adu...

“It's a little bit like if Sulley from Monsters, Inc. was sexy.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Your Monster. This movie has everything: a wellness look that screams “post-punk spa day.” An ex so bad he’s begging to be put in a bear suit. and an open bowl of Covid-flavored beans. If you love monster-meets-messy romance, petty ex-revenge, and chaotic health-hazard snack discourse, this episode’s for you!

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“Not since Hook has more intention been placed into someone’s eyebrows.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Beastly. This film has everything: a hexed hall monitor in winged eyeliner, a drug-deal gone wrong turned Shakespearean IOU, and stump speeches for the Green Committee so honest it will break your heart. If you love cursed meet-cutes, campaign-level pettiness, and a script written like a horoscope, this episode’s for you!

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"Maybe mayonnaise can save democracy."

This week’s thirstiest movie is... Beautician and the Beast. This film has everything: a bigger, moodier version of Massimo, but with his own country; the literal nanny turning into a union organizer; and a dictator’s entire political ideology crumbling under the seductive, life-changing power of a mayonnaise-heavy sandwich. If you love fascist makeovers, hostile breakfast seating arra...

“He only knows doggy style, Paige.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Beauty and the Beast. This film has everything: A cursed himbo with fangs, A toddler named after his visible head trauma. The full BEAST System™: bombardment via dinner theater, aggressive emotional bonding, a shift to “respectable boyfriend mode,” a library bribe, and a farewell gift that’s basically romantic spyware with a live feed. If you love gothic ca...

“It takes three minutes to become an astronaut, according to this movie.”

This week’s hottest space mess is... Armageddon. This film has everything: Instant Astronauts, Thirst traps for middle America, A rogue Glock bouncing around in a spaceship. If you love seatbelt montages, flag-based character development, and gun safety violations in orbit, this episode’s for you!

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“Are we just going to ignore the fact that Antonio Banderas drinks his brother’s head juice?”

This week’s hottest movie is The Mask of Zorro. This film has everything: a horny duel, a lusty confessional booth admission, and a vigilante live-action Puss in Boots. If you love pickled domes, teacup waltzing, and historical accuracy that’s legally inadmissible, this episode’s for you!

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“General Racism was Omar’s right-hand guy.”

This week’s hottest movie is… Jewel of the Nile. This film has everything: juggling Sufis, a slow-speed plane chase, and a boat with no driver, towing nothing but red flags. If you wish David Lean had cast Michael Douglas in Lawrence of Arabia, this episode’s for you.

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What did you think ...

“There’s no dick that good in the world.”

This week’s thirstiest mess of a movie is... Fool’s Gold. This film has everything: a maybe-teen yacht goblin, a grown man earnestly saying “boat swain,” and Kevin Hart playing a rum-soaked rapper-slash-loan-shark-slash-island oligarch. If you love sketchy ages, mispronounced nautical ranks, and shootouts that defy physics and employment law, this episode’s for you.

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Two villains, both alike in evil.

This week’s thirstiest movie is Runaway Bride. This film has everything: performative egg eating, a third-act Homer Eisenhower reveal, and a print news column that’s basically if Andrew Tate knew how to read and immediately started doxxing hot women for USA Today. If you love petty shade, chaotic horse escapes, and two villains finding love, this episode’s for you!

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Where are the guns coming from?

This week’s campiest queer romcom spy fantasy is... DEBS.

This film has everything: secret agents in ceiling swings, a sapphic supervillain, and tech so confusing Todd thought it was legit teleportation. If you love standardized-test-based spy recruitment and falling in love with the woman who just tried to murder all your friends... this episode’s for you!

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“Did I fall asleep for a second?”

This week’s hottest movie is... The Wedding Banquet. This film has everything: Avant-garde quilt energy. Sexy paperwork. And a surprise pregnancy caused by Bowen's THAAAAAAAAANG.If you love drag dragons, Civil War diary entries, and marriage proposals that would make ICE furious, this episode’s for you!

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“He’s on a 1% Rumspringa.”

This week’s hottest movie is... My Own Private Idaho. This film has everything: Narcoleptic street naps. A Shakespearean crime daddy and his Red Hot Chili hype goblin. And the most emotionally devastating campfire scene since The Parent Trap. If you love cult leader Paige, Dutch Boy roleplay, and bisexual tragedy on a wheatfield highway, this episode’s for you.

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“Jennifer Tilly is playing F Chess.”

This week’s slickest lesbian noir is... Bound. This film has everything: a mob nepo baby who looks like he got kicked out of Boyz II Men, a literal money-laundering montage complete with ironing, and a full-on power move where Gina Gershon goes knuckles deep... then shakes the husband’s hand. If you love vibey noir lighting, criminal scissoring, and domination so subtle it gets hand-deli...

"She looks like one of the people from Planet of the Apes. And by people, I mean apes."

This week’s most unhinged movie is… Color of Night. This film has everything: a possessed Casio keyboard soundtrack, a man narrating his own life out loud like a noir detective who’s never heard of internal monologue, and a surprise Bruce Willis full-frontal that gives the only believable performance in the entire film. If you love chaot...

“She just threw up a Kristen Stewart.”

This week’s thirstiest movie is Love Lies Bleeding. This film has everything: A gym manager elbow-deep in body horror plumbing. Ed Harris’s forehead winning the Picard for best hairline. An underground love story so jacked on roids and vibes it’s basically She-Hulk by way of A24. If you love magical realism, anabolic steroids, and bodybuilder thirst with a side of murder, this episode’...