March 15, 2025 • 59 mins
Ten episodes in, and we're breaking all the rules! For this milestone celebration, we ditched our usual prepared format and went completely random with story roulette and impromptu top five lists that kept us both on our toes and doubled over laughing.
The storytelling reaches new heights of hilarity as I recount my high school presentation for the "Meat Beater 3000" – a meat tenderizer sales pitch that became an exercise in keeping a straight face while delivering innuendo after innuendo to an unsuspecting class. Meanwhile, Brad shares what happens when a retirement party for his dad turns into a Jello shot disaster, complete with T-Rex arms and a stairway collapse.
Nothing matches the childhood trauma of expecting to see your basketball heroes Kobe and Shaq play the Knicks, only to find yourself trapped in a three-and-a-half-hour Broadway performance of Les Misérables. "That was half of my nightmare?" became the rallying cry of a sports kid forced into culture against his will. And just when you think we couldn't get more inappropriate, Brad's "Truth Serum" story reveals what happens when anesthesia removes all filters, leaving his wife to share explicit morning activities with medical staff and friends alike.
Our randomly selected top five lists – "Worst Places to Be Drunk" and "Worst Places to Get Caught Having Sex" – push the boundaries of good taste while delivering genuine belly laughs. From parent-teacher conferences to funeral scenarios, we tackle the scenarios no one wants to experience but everyone can laugh about.
Whether you're a longtime listener or just discovering us, this tenth episode captures everything that makes our friendship and podcast work – unfiltered stories, unexpected humor, and the willingness to share the most embarrassing moments of our lives. Drop us an email at rowdandloudy@gmail.com with your own stories or topic ideas!
ROWD and LOUDY is the ultimate comedy podcast where two best friends share hilarious, never-before-heard stories in every episode! Tune in for laughs, surprises, and spontaneous humor as each episode features fresh, funny tales that one of the hosts has never heard before. Plus, every episode includes a Top 5 list where we rank and discuss random topics, adding even more fun to the mix. Whether you’re into storytelling, comedy, or just want to hear two friends banter about life, ROWD and LOUDY has you covered.
Listen now for your weekly dose of laughter, entertainment, and raw, unfiltered humor.
Comedy, Funny Stories, Humor Podcast, Best Friend Podcast, Hilarious Podcast, Top 5 Podcast, Hilarious Podcast, Storytelling Podcast, Weekly Comedy Show, Laugh out Loud Podcast, Unfiltered Humor.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Welcome to the Roud and Loudy podcast.
This is episode 10.
Holy shit, and we've got agreat show.
We're going to do some storyroulette and some top five
roulette and if this is thefirst time that you are
listening to the show, welcome.
Yep, we do some crazy shit onthis show.
(00:40):
We talk about whatever comes toour mind.
It's definitely some comedy.
We're going to make you laugh,probably question your sanity
for a little, you know.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
It's got a simple structure to it too.
So in the beginning I'll telltwo stories.
Brad tells two stories,whatever order.
Brad doesn't know the story I'mtelling, I don't know the story
Brad's telling.
And then we flip to a top five,uh, where we kind of do
something random like a top fiveworst gifts to buy your wife,
top five different things ofthat nature this is a different
(01:11):
type of situation, because weare just drawing things at
random.
So we normally have thesestories prepared, which the
stories we do, but the top fivesare going to be on the spot and
it's gonna be fucking greatyeah, the top fives we usually
prepare as well.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
We go over that.
We have some things that weknow are going to be out there
and make each other laugh, butif you're at all curious about
all that stuff, you can go back.
We've got, like I said, this isour 10th episode, so you can go
back and listen to 1 through 9and laugh your ass off, or don't
to 1 through 9 and laugh yourass off or don't.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
It's really up to you .
And we apologize too forepisode 1 through 5, the sound
difference I was talking to Brad, I listened to a little bit of
it on the way home the sounddifference from 1 and the sound
difference to 4 and the sounddifference to when you get to 6
is like holy shit, even thesound difference from 1-2 was
pretty epic change.
(02:07):
But the first thing we always dowith every episode is we do a
quick recap of the previous topfive.
So we did a little bit of amarry one, fuck, one, kill one
situation last episode, and soit was just me putting Brad on
the spot.
Brad put me on the spot, so onethat I came up with for Brad
was Michelin man.
The Michelin man and his outfita furry that never takes his
(02:31):
costume off, so like it, justalways wears that all the time,
even shower.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Oh, yeah, it was a golden.
It was not a golden retriever.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, and the lemur emu.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Yeah, and.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Brad said he was going to kill the emu, marry the
furry and fuck the Michelin man.
And I told him he'd be likeremember that Like a marshmallow
, like a punch in a marshmallowand just go into town.
So that was number three.
Number two Brad put me on thespot and made me choose between
my beloved Taco Bell and pizza.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
You had to kill pizza .
Speaker 2 (03:04):
And I can't publicly do that to tacos.
So this is where we're at.
You had to kill pizza and thenext one you put me on the spot
with was brutal too.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I had to give one thing up for the rest of my life
weed or sex.
And it's like come on.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Dude that comment you made.
You put four bullets in thechamber that came out weed sex,
taco bell and pizza.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Unbelievable yeah that's what you filled that gun
of hatred with and just.
And I also want to give aspecial shout out today to Mr
Brad it is his birthday.
Right now, while we were doingthis, it is his birthday.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Has it been a good day.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Not really no, if I got to be honest.
But this is going to make itall fucking better dude Straight
up.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
No, no, it has not been.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Wait, we got to give a special shout out to Jerry as
well.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Oh, with a comment, do you have it?
Can you pull it?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
up.
Yeah, I'll pull it up.
I'll pull it up.
Shit.
Yeah, he sent us an email.
What was it?
A couple days ago.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Yeah, and the funny thing too is he's in Florida.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Yeah, yeah, he said, funny thing too is uh he's in
florida.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yeah, yeah, he said he's been listening to it all
the time.
There's like a heat map for ourshow and like it shows where
people are, like there's somedetroit, there's some kalamazoo,
there's some you know, there'slike one in florida, and I can
almost tell you where my dad is,because yeah, so he said hello,
gentlemen.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
He has a weird like.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
We're not, gentlemen at all Kind of Kind of.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
I just went for a one-hour walk on the beach and
listened to the episode seven.
Funny.
What did I learn?
Never let Matt P offer to buypizza for anybody.
No, in Gulf Shores, we had afeeling that you were the
instigator, eric.
Thanks for the confirmation.
Oh shit, that's that episode.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, that's nuts.
That's why he was texting melike that.
He was trying to pry.
I didn't even know.
I didn't know until right now.
Yep, oh yeah, didn't even know.
I didn't know until right now.
Yep, oh yeah, that was bad.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I still feel bad for that one, like I really do yeah,
and then after hearing thestory about seven-year-old brad
and the shit show when I see himat bart bauer bash, make sure
he washed his hands before heshaked up, excellent comment,
thank you so much.
It's been a riot listening toyour podcast.
You guys work well together,jerry.
(05:45):
Yeah, so that was awesome, thatwas good, that's the type of
stuff we want.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
So like we want more of that, Like, just like little.
We'll always read them on theshow, Like if you hit that email
up send it in.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Did your gift card come?
Oh, I didn't even see it.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
I timed it for six.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
So I could give you the paper yeah so when did it go
?
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Went away.
No, it's not there yet.
You didn't give me shit.
Oh yeah, you did.
Here it is, Yep, I got it.
In your face.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
So yeah, tonight we're doing a little bit of a
weird situation and it's yourbirthday, so you get to pick
first.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So do you want me to tell the story first, or would
you like to go?
Speaker 2 (06:32):
I think that you should tell the story first, so
you need to choose no you'repicking one that I do.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Oh, I'm picking it, yeah, oh, all right.
Well, shit, shit, oh, no, shit,oh, no, no.
Oh, I'm picking ones that youput in.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Dude, did I get this assignment wrong?
Speaker 3 (06:50):
You got it all fucked up, dude, that's all right,
I'll pick one of yours.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
So you put stories that I'm going to tell, though.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
I'll pick the stories that I put in.
I can tell, so I'll pick one ofyours.
Here we go.
So the first story of the nightwill be Meat Beater 3000.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Oh yeah, buddy, what the fuck is that all about?
Speaker 2 (07:15):
I actually know the year of this, so this is 2006.
I'm in high school.
I'm a junior, okay 2006.
You're a junior in high school.
That makes me feel fucking olddude.
But the bar for like what's oldkeeps getting higher for me.
So, like you know, like, when Ihit 40 then it's like 70.
(07:37):
Come on, like dude, he's old asfuck, 70 and then, like, once I
hit 50 it becomes 80, you knowit's like dude.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Look at hank over here.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Dude right the fuck you doing, hank you 80 year old,
fucking old piece of shit that80 year old piece of shit's
probably kick your ass too so Iwas, I don't know I got, I got
in trouble at times at school,but I was also a good student,
like I, I, I don't know 3.5 kindof kid.
Yep, um, and we were inlanguage arts and we had to
(08:09):
design a flyer for somethingthat we picked out of a bag.
So we got a partner and we gotone person Okay, and you, we had
to sell this product, right,yeah, so I reached my hand into
this awesome little sack Okay,in front of everybody.
So there's probably 30 kids inthis class Yep, right, and I
(08:31):
don't know.
I reach in, dude, and I grab ameat beater, A meat, what the
fuck?
Like the thing that you wouldtenderize meat with, right, okay
, so they gave us two days, theylet us type it up, you know,
whatever.
So me and another kid that wasabsolutely hilarious.
I'm not gonna say his name,we're gonna call him dave, all
(08:54):
right, okay, he, he's well knownin the business world.
I'm just gonna yeah, no, he'sdoing well for himself.
Um, so, dave and me, we getthis meat beater and we're
fucking nine.
We're like dude, we're gonnagive a whole pitch about beating
your meat in front of all these, like fucking other 17 year
(09:14):
olds.
Some are gonna get it, some aregonna think we're immature, but
we're going for it, dude.
So we designed a whole flyer andand pamphlet like do we like
put our heart and soul into this?
Like we put, like we, we putlike the thing on the front and
we named it the meat beater 3000.
And like we put, we put likeabsolutely like we actually put
(09:39):
like a lot of content into ittoo.
Like we put like types of meatthat it would work with.
We put, um, you know situationswhere you could beat your meat
and this would help.
We put what beating your meatwith the competition looks like.
We even put up with like uh,started putting together like
new products like the meatbeater 4000, where you can beat
your meat in public.
And, dude, we gave this wholepitch.
(10:01):
Okay, so the class is supersheltered, like there's a lot, a
lot of like sheltered kids inthere and a lot of kids don't
get it.
And that's what's even funnier.
It's like me and Dar oh my God,me and Dave are like driving
this thing home and like, justlike we're like we can't look at
each other because like we'llfucking lose it.
We know it, dude, about a meatbeater to the whole class and
(10:26):
the best part was the teachersin the back and she is awesome.
So she was a really cool, I'llsay your last Mrs Brown, and she
was just, she was dying dude.
Yeah Fucking losing it.
She was not sheltered, so sheknows exactly what's going on
she knows where you're going.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
She knows exactly, dude.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
So when we're talking about beating our meat in
public, she's like hitting thetable and, like you know, like
the three of us are laughing nowyeah so yeah, so I gave a whole
sales presentation when I was17 about beating my meat in
front of like 20 of my peers 25with a straight fucking face and
got an A.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
No shit, you should have recorded that dude.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Dude yeah.
Somebody should have recordedthat, and coming this fall, the
Meat Beater 4000.
Now you can beat your meat inpublic.
It beats white meat, dark meat,black meat, brown meat, hell,
it even beats red meat.
Oh my God.
Came up with other products too,meat.
(11:29):
Oh my god, with other productstoo, like, um, I think the meat
beater 5000 was so that youcould beat your meat on a plane,
like we had all sorts of, butit just like.
It was crazy to me how manypeople didn't get it.
Yeah, at that point, like 17, Igot that right, but they didn't
.
But like seeing the teacher andlike just knowing that, like
that situation's probably talkedabout it.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
You know different teaching oh, you know, she went
into the teacher's lounge andwas just still dying about it,
telling all of her, oh, yeah,and she's like, what do I do?
Speaker 2 (11:56):
like, do I do I get them in trouble?
Or because so she called.
She called us after the classand so all the kids leave and
she goes.
Guys, honestly, that's one ofthe funniest things I've ever
heard in my life.
The way you did that, with astraight face, still blows my
mind.
She goes.
I just want to let you knowthat if I get any phone calls
(12:17):
about this, we might have tofigure it out.
But that was hilarious, it wastotally cool with it, but also
kind of let us know, hey, behush-hush about it.
Like don't go bragging aboutthis because I don't want to
deal with this.
So like when she told us that,like it became an even funnier
joke.
It's like a fart in church nowdude yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
You and another person know about it and you
can't even talk about about yep,yep nice oh my god, so yeah, I
would have, I would have laughedmy ass off, as in that class I
want to say.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
There's probably one or two people that were, but
trying to hide it like out ofrespect to like to like you know
, let me sell it right I saw theshit out of it, dude.
Everybody in that class wouldhave been beating their meat in
public.
Dude, they'd have been flyingspirit airlines getting through
like what is that?
It's a meat beater.
What do you mean?
What is it high?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
tech.
Everybody's buying the meatbeater 3000 it's 2006 technology
bitch, what are you doing?
Speaker 2 (13:10):
trying to join the mile hot club myself oh shit, oh
my god yeah, so I don't know, Ijust thought that was bold, but
worth it do you remember?
Speaker 1 (13:21):
it was the uh song I think two Two Live Crew did it
where he's talking about the.
That was the beginning of thesong where he's talking about.
I think it was like fucking acorpse or something like that.
What the fuck?
Yeah, it was really fucked up.
But I played that in one of myEnglish classes and I did a
(13:42):
paper on it.
But I played like the intro tothe song and it was like he was
fucking a corpse or somethinglike that and realized what he'd
done and so he like took astraw and like yeah, it was bad,
dude, it was bad.
I'll have to find that songdude.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
I would have had weird dude if you would have
played that in front of me.
I'd be like this guy's gonnakill all of us guys listen, look
at h.
Look at huddle, huddle.
Come here.
Okay, he's talking aboutdrinking a corpse, alright.
You don't do that.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yeah, yeah, I was fucked up.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
So pause for a second .
I think I got the assignmentcompletely wrong, so I was
supposed to write topics that Iwas going to talk about in the
bowl or that you were going totalk about in the bowl.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
That I was going to talk about in the bowl, but
that's fine because I've got theones.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
That's how my top fives work.
These are all for you.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Okay, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
That's fine yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
So you pick out one of my three.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Retirement parties.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
So I'll talk about my dad's retirement party.
Okay, how long ago?
Um, let's see, this wasprobably 10 to 12 years ago, I
think somewhere in the 12 to 15,I'm not sure exactly but that
time frame.
So we'll say 12 years.
So my dad worked at a machineshop for 30-some years, got out
(15:12):
of the Army, went in there andthey ended up shutting the doors
because they had a union and itdidn't go well.
And uh, so he went into thislittle hole in the wall place
that they did the speedometerlike your, the stick that moves
(15:34):
on your speedometer.
The colors, like they.
They did the colorations andthey did that's what they made.
They did those and then they didpilots for, like, your water
heater, your furnace, your youroven, shit like that.
And it was just like, but hewent in there as like a setup,
like he'd set up the tools andstuff like that.
But there was all these, justall these like little Mexican
(15:58):
gals that were working in therethat were doing some of the
production and stuff, and theyjust loved them Right in there
that were doing some of theproduction and stuff, and they
just loved them right and uh, sothey, they wanted to throw him
a retirement party.
So they all came to their house, right?
like the owner's house or no,hit like my mom and dad's house.
Okay, my mom was out of townfor the retirement party.
(16:21):
She I can't remember now whereshe was, but she knew that the
party was going down and allthat.
And so all these little Mexicangals show up and they've got
tequila, they've got all thealcohol shit.
And this one lady that wasreally like my dad, she brought
(16:41):
Jell-O shots, oh my God.
So brought Jell-O shots.
Okay, oh my God.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
So how many people were there?
Speaker 1 (16:47):
I'm thinking there was probably 30 people there,
holy shit.
Yeah, there's quite a bit.
You know, some people came thathe used to work with at the
tool shop, things like that.
So there's quite a few people,some people that I knew that I'd
met previous.
You know, because when I was akid I'd go into the machine shop
all the time with him, you know, meet people and whatever walk
(17:13):
around, and so these my dad didnot want to do shots.
Okay, he's like I'll drinkwhatever I'll do, but I'm not
doing shots because he didn'twant to get all fucked up, right
?
Speaker 2 (17:25):
So Something tells me he does a shot.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
No he doesn't do a shot, I, with my bright idea, I
tell this little Mexican gal,I'm like I'll do his shot too.
So this was back when I wasdrinking.
Yeah, so she's like okay.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
So I started doing two jello shots to her, one
right, because I'm doing mineand I'm doing my dad's.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I get completely fucking blitz what time of day
is it right now?
Speaker 1 (17:56):
it's at this point in time, it's probably five or six
in the afternoon afternoon,yeah, so my dad did um, he loves
the fish, I love the fish too,but he had uh, he did a big fish
fry for everybody.
So I had a bunch of them in thefreezer brings them out, thaws
(18:19):
them out, breads them, and thenhe has like a big turkey fryer.
He throws all these fish in andbut it's, they're awesome, dude
, you know gills and uh, perchand that kind of shit and uh.
So I I'm just gettingcompletely fucking wasted right,
and I think it was probablyabout a half hour after.
(18:44):
I have no idea how many shots Idid.
I don't remember.
So I go over in the yard andthere's these.
You remember those old plasticchairs that you could lay open
Like they would click up andthen click down and they'd lay
all the way open.
So I'm laying on one of thoseright and I've got the head
tilted up a little bit and I'mthere in this chair and I'm
(19:04):
laying on one of those right andI've got the.
I've got the head, like, tiltedup a little bit and I'm just,
I'm there in this chair and I'mjust wrecked, you know, just
wrecked.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Laying like a.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Tyrannosaurus.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
It's on a plane, I'm like come out of my side just
wrecked and it's, you know,probably six, 37 o'clock at this
point, you know, and I rack out, you know, I'm just, I'm out
and I wake up and I just hurlall this pink all this jello
shit all over the ground andsomebody must have saw me.
(19:37):
Oh my God, like puke.
They're probably worried aboutme, I don't know.
So I get up and I'm stumblingaround and whatever, and my dad,
like it's, I think people arestarting to roll out.
You know, people are done.
And so my dad grabs me and likewe're going inside and they had
(20:00):
a two-story house, so we walkup on the porch, we go inside
and I'm going up the stairs andI it's a like a try or a double
level kind of stairway, so yougo up like 10 stairs to a
landing and then it turns 90degrees and you go up more to
(20:23):
the second story.
Yeah, and I get to the landingand I turn 90 degrees and I go
up like two steps.
My dad's right behind me, right, he's following me up the
stairs and I just lay down.
Speaker 3 (20:36):
I get like two more stairs and I just fucking lay
down.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Like on your back or on your front, no, on my front.
I just stop Dude like a beachT-Rex again.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
I just stopped and fucking lay down and my dad
practically fucking falls on topof me, right, because I just
stopped.
You know, I'm going up thestairs and I just stopped and
fucking lay down.
Oh my God.
So, my dad spends the next likefive, ten minutes trying to get
me back up.
Finally gets me back up.
(21:07):
I finish walking up the rest ofthe stairs and he, like fucking
, just pours me into bed.
Right, you know.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Yeah, Get in there and I'm fucking out.
Done son.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
So the next morning I have no idea what time I got up
and you know everybody's gone,he's up, he's kind of cleaning
up around the place and I've gotto get back home and before I
left we're talking like hey Dad,thanks for you know, inviting
(21:39):
me and whatever and letting mecompletely destroy myself.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
You know, that's exactly what I told him.
Thank you so much.
Thanks so much for letting mecompletely destroy myself.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
You know, that's exactly what I told him.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Thank you so much.
Thanks so much for letting mecompletely destroy myself.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Dude, I got white girl wasted last night.
You were my buddy, I appreciatethat.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Yeah, he got me upstairs.
But yeah, he's like what thehell were you doing?
You know he's talking aboutgoing up the stairs.
I'm like I don't know, I justit was time to go to bed or
something.
I don't know, I just fuckinglaid down.
Oh my God.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Dude, those were the- .
Speaker 1 (22:08):
I think that was the last time that I got completely
drunk.
I think that was the last timeI.
I think it wasn't the last timeI drank, but yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
While you were telling that I'm just writing
down gold stories.
Oh yeah, Because I'm justthinking of what like been there
done, like you know.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
It's ringing bells Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
All right, so we got another next story here.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
And then we got a or should you pick a top five so
you can start writing ideas downwhile I'm talking and I'll pick
a top five while you aretalking and I can start writing
down gold ideas.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
All right.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Are your top fives?
Like funny things for me to do?
Top fives on.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Okay, me too.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Yeah, I got that assignment right.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Yeah, Shit Um it's this one.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
No, I've got the one that, oh the it's this one.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
No, I've got the one that.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Oh, the top fives, yep, these are mine.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Oh, no, no, no no, no , I've got your next story Okay.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
No, it's this one.
No, no, no, no.
I already picked it.
I picked it.
I put that right here.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
I already picked it, dude, fuck off, I already picked
it.
Okay, so we need a top five.
Okay so I'm picking one ofthese and that's for you to do,
okay.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
And you got to say it out loud though.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
All right, so I'm going to pick this one.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Yeah, what is it?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
This one.
So my top five tonight is goingto be worst places to get
caught having sex.
All right, that's a good one.
Okay, yours, yours are thesethree here.
Boom, boom Boom.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Nice Top five worst places to be drunk.
I like that.
Wait, that's for me to do right, yeah, that's for you.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Yep, okay, so your story is going to be Les
Miserables.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Les Miserables, les Miserables, les Miserables, les
Miserables, oh man, all right.
So if you know anything aboutme, you know I'm a sports guy,
right, always have been, andwhen I was growing up it was all
I did.
Because, dude, 90s basketball,jordan Kobe.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Yeah, yeah, that's one thing, dude.
We had some good.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah, what do?
One thing, dude we had somegood.
Yeah, what do we have now?
No one's watching it.
It's just stupid, nobodywatches.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
I don't know anybody that watches basketball anymore.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
I used to, but now it's just a bunch of people
checking up threes and I can't.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Yeah, I mean who's the number?
I mean LeBron.
Is LeBron still playing?
Is LeBron?
Speaker 2 (24:43):
still playing.
He's old, but he's good.
He's really good.
Jason Tatum's really good, lukaDonik's really good.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
I don't know.
I know LeBron.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Victor Wimignan is really good, don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Never heard.
I don't watch basketball at allanymore, can't?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
do it.
But, yeah, so I used to be abig sports guy, so when we took
our vacations, a lot of timeswhat we would do is stay with my
Uncle Mike.
So it's my dad's brother, right, and he was in the Navy so he
would always take vacations indifferent spots by water.
So there's always cool thingsto do.
We went to North Carolina allsorts of different shit, yeah.
So one time we actually went tolike a little bit outside,
(25:26):
outside of new jersey, if youwill.
So, um, and we would stay withthem for a week.
um, it was a way we could go seenew towns and, like, do cool
shit yeah um, in new york, dude,we bought like the fake
oakley's and the fake rolexesand we felt like bosses.
You know, fifteen dollars andwe're flossing it, you know yeah
um, but there was a day where Ithink my uncle mike got a
(25:46):
really good discount on ontickets to stuff.
So there's broadway in new york, there's also, uh, madison
square garden where the knicksplay.
That's downtown new york.
So we're in new york and hegoes into this outpost and it's
like his family's big and ourfamily is just my mom, my dad,
me and my brother, so like hisfamily's big and our family is
just my mom, my dad, me and mybrother, so four His family's
(26:07):
one, two, one, two, three, sofive, yeah, so yeah, so it's
like getting tickets for likenine of us to go do something.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
So my dad, before we're in there, like tells us
that there's a basketball gametonight and it's the lakers,
like lakers, knicks.
And I'm like, holy shit, that'sshack and kobe oh yeah right
like oh my god, and there's aplay that we might be you know
we can go to.
Yeah, do you guys have apreference?
(26:39):
It's like basketball game mybrother's like basketball game,
yeah, yeah duh and uh, my dad'slike okay, okay, well, yeah,
okay, and so they go into thisbuilding like we're all outside,
it's new york, so it's reallybusy.
Like we, we took, um, we tookour car down there, but then
like we parked somewhere andtook a cab into the city, if you
will yeah um, and so, like wewere all waiting outside, we're
(27:04):
all excited we're in a big cityfor the first time, like we're
like by downtown, like timesquare area okay, like that's
one place I've never been in newyork nike town.
It's, it's cool that's cool.
I mean, I don't remember a tonabout it, but I remember this.
Um, so we have the option ofgoing to go see the Knicks play
the Lakers with Kobe and Shaq,or go see Les Miserables and
(27:28):
Broadway, and they go in to gettickets.
And I'm looking at my brotherand I'm like dude, if dad comes
back with fucking Broadwaytickets, I'm never forgiving him
for this.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
Like this is fucking bullshit, Like I'm just being
real this is fucking bullshit,I'm calling bullshit on this.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
They come out with fucking play tickets, dude, and
come to find out which I'll fillin later.
Les Miserables is the longestBroadway play in production that
there is.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Oh really, I did not know that it's three and a half
hours long.
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
I'm 12.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
So you're really gonna enjoy it.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
I probably had a kobe jersey on.
I was already ready to go tothe game before I got invited
right, okay, I'm there.
Yes, I'm there so the best partof this whole story, though, is
um, we're sitting in this plane.
It's fucking awful dude.
And I'm like, looking at mybrother, I'm tapping him on the.
It's fucking awful dude, andI'm like looking at my brother,
I'm tapping him on the shoulder.
I'm like this is fucking dumbdude.
This is fucking dumb.
He's like, I know, but just getthrough it, you know, and I'm
(28:31):
like dude.
Why the fuck are they this madat this guy about stealing bread
?
Just let him have the fuckingbread.
We're talking about like adollar Wonder bread dude,
analyzing it at 12.
Right, the lights come on.
The lights come on and we walkout and I look at my dad.
(28:51):
I'm like, dude, I fucking didit, yeah, yeah.
And he's like what do you mean?
I was like I fucking did it andI made it through that shitty
play.
And he's like no, you didn't,this is intermission.
And I'm like what the fuck isintermission?
And he's like it's like halftime.
And as soon as he says halftime, I know exactly what the
fuck that means.
And I'm like wait, wait, wait.
That was half of my nightmare.
(29:14):
Is that we?
That was half of my nightmare,dude.
That was like sitting through awhole movie like, but not a
movie, movie like sound, soundof Music kind of movie.
It was so dumb.
I sat there and like, dude, itscarred me, man, because it's
like I had such high hopes, dude, and then watching them come
(29:37):
out like thinking I'm going tobe excited about that is like
showing up with Almond Joys onHalloween.
Like 90% of the kids are likefuck this house, I'm house, I'm
gonna egg it.
Fuck you, fuck you and your baddecisions, dude, yeah, we got
quinoa for dinner, aren't youexcited?
Like, no, no, I'm not.
No, I am not kobe bryan that'sfucking awesome so I made it
(29:58):
through like the worst play ever.
I mean it got to the pointwhere, like when I was in
college and stuff, I even toldgirls I'm more of a concert guy.
I don't mean to be a dick, butlike, if you want me to go back
to that shithole, I got scarring.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
I got baggage.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
I got trauma, all right.
So, a brother's going to getreally high and maybe take some
hallucinogens before.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
I go If you're cool with that.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
I'm cool with that, right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
Oh, no shit, man, that had to be tragic.
Oh, dude 12 years old watchingthat.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Oh, dude, if I ever do stand-up by myself, I already
know what my set's going to becalled.
It's going to be called LesMiserables.
Dude, there'll be anintermission, just cause.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Just cause, yeah, I'd be afraid to do stand-up right
now with all.
Just cause, just cause.
Yeah, oh shit.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
I'd be afraid to do stand up right now With all the
Karens in the world.
That's probably why I haven'tdone it.
Like you know how bold I am, Idon't give a shit yeah.
But I haven't done it becauseI'm afraid I'm gonna say
something like but you know whatdude that's?
Speaker 1 (31:00):
That's fine, because there's more comedians that need
to do that shit.
Look at, look at the comediansthat are successful right now.
They don't give a fuck.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
They're going to say.
Whatever they're going to say,I love Bill Burr.
I love Dan Chappelle.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Yeah, Some of the old Cat Williams is gold too.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Yeah, yeah, nobody's doing that kind of thing, I mean
not very few.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Weed ain't the same as drugs.
Weed is a plant.
It just grow like that, if youstill happen to set it on fire
there are some effects hungry,happy, sleepy that's it oh man,
yeah, no, I I don't know, I justyeah I think that would be
horrible.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Yeah, yeah, but all right, so I got to pick another
story, right?
Speaker 3 (31:52):
Yep, hmm.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
Truth serum story.
Oh yeah, this is going to be agood one.
Oh yeah, this is going to be agood one.
So this was about six years ago.
Six or seven years ago, okay,my wife had surgery, and I won't
(32:22):
tell you surgery for what, butshe had surgery.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
But her, yeah, you guessed it.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
So Two Tell them what is one.
Tom, he's won two gifts or tenagainst Red Lobster.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
So before surgery, her best friend is going to come
over with her and she's goingto go to the surgery because
she's a good friend.
And that morning.
So her best friend we'll callher Dawn she comes over and
she's got work to do a littlebit and my wife is ready to go.
(33:03):
She's got all her shit packed,and what I've yeah so she, we
come downstairs and she's likeon me, dude, like she wants it
now and she's not taking no foran answer and I'm like, all
right, fucking a she drugged up.
No, not not at this point.
This is before the surgery.
This is downstairs in our house.
(33:24):
What time is this?
It's like six or seven in themorning.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Dang, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
So I'm like why can't I?
Here we go.
So her friend Dawn is upstairsand we're getting it on
downstairs because we got abedroom downstairs and you know
we're trying to be quiet and youknow all that shit.
So but we get done, get all getourselves together, you know.
(33:52):
Go back upstairs yeah dawn'sgot her.
she's done with work.
I don't have any idea if sheknew what was going on
downstairs, but so we go, weleave the house, go to get her
surgery done and it's like anoutpatient thing, right.
So she's under for I don't knowhour and a half, two hours here
(34:12):
.
No, she's in surgery, okay.
So we go to the outpatientclinic and she comes out of
surgery, right, and they'vedrugged her and put her to sleep
.
Yeah Well this is the firstsurgery that I've ever been
involved in with my wife.
I don't realize that, like thestuff that they give her to
(34:35):
knock her out is like a truthserum.
Okay, she's gonna say whateverthe fuck is on her mind, and she
does like.
So we're.
This is after her surgery.
We're all in the room.
The nurse is in there, herfriend Dawn is in there, I'm in
there and she starts talkingabout what we did that morning.
(34:59):
Like, exactly Like exactly Likedown to like.
Yeah, we were downstairs, wewere doing it when you were
upstairs.
Oh, my God she was just likeexplaining to the everything.
And this nurse is in the roomas well.
She has no idea who we are, butmy wife is explaining to her
what I did to her that morningand I'm like shut the fuck up.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Shut the fuck up my god, just oh, yeah.
And of course after that I'mgoing to lick the tip, naturally
.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
So yeah, how long was she talking about this, at
least.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
And how many people were in there.
I was in there, the nurse wasin there and her friend Dawn was
in there.
All three, and then my wife,obviously.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Was the nurse dying?
Oh yeah, well she was trying to, not because.
So what time was she tellingthis Like?
Speaker 1 (35:52):
nine.
Well, I think the surgery waslike eight or nine, and so this
is probably noon one o'clockwhen she's done all the surgery
and she's waking up.
And yeah, she's telling, andI'm honestly I don't know if
we're the only ones that heardit, because the door to her.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
Little room is open.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
Right, so anybody that's out in the door to her
little room is open, right?
So anybody that's out in thenurse's station or whatever,
yeah, anybody that's out in thenurse's station can hear what
she's saying.
Oh my god, so I'm like.
Oh my god, yeah, so needless tosay, I'll know that next time I
(36:34):
gotta put like a ball gag onher or something when she comes
out of surgery so she doesn't.
Speaker 3 (36:41):
She'll still think it's like a nose.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Yeah.
Oh my God, yeah.
So everybody in that room knewall about our sex life that
morning.
Oh my God, yeah, yeah, it was agood 10 minutes that she was
telling this story sex life thatmorning.
Oh my God, yeah, yeah, it was.
It was a good 10 minutes thatshe was telling this story,
telling everything that happened, like you know, detail.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Yeah, that was and you're trying to make her stop.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
Yeah, I'm like shut the fuck up.
Yeah, cause I don't know thisnurse, you know, I mean, and her
friend she's, I mean we'redoing it while she's upstairs
and she knows this now, yeah, so.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
She's cool with it, isn't she?
Speaker 1 (37:21):
She doesn't care, she don't care, she don't care,
she's just laughing her ass off.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
So yeah, the best part about that story is that
she wanted all sorts ofcraziness, like before yeah it
went down like right yeah that'scool.
Speaker 1 (37:36):
Oh yeah, it was cool until she started telling
everybody about it you know it'scalled cup phones.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
You want a cup phone?
I gotta tell you a story.
My husband this morning, how,like, how, how vivid of detail,
like, like, was it like?
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Vivid yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:53):
Like were people laughing or embarrassed.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
I think that the nurse was embarrassed for me,
you know it was.
Yeah, her friend was like Ithink her friend doesn't care,
she was all she was.
You know she was laughing andenjoying it, you know.
But yeah, are you going to do adifferent top five?
Speaker 2 (38:13):
I got one done.
I'm going to do another one.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
All right, I'm probably only going to do one.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
I'll only do one then too.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
Yeah, so my top five was worst places to get caught
having sex.
Yep, yeah, that's what it was.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
And mine is top five worst places to be drunk.
I'm just trying to think oflike when it's like
inappropriate right, like thisisn't going to be, like at a
yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
I was thinking like places that you know, like you
would not want to be drunk atall, like this is the worst
place for you not to be likeinappropriate, but like the last
place that you wouldn't want tobe drunk Ohio.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
I hate Ohio.
I fucking hate it.
Well, if you're listening,you're fine, you're cool, right?
If you're from Ohio, we're coolIf you're.
If you're listening, you'refine.
Speaker 3 (39:12):
You're cool If you're from Ohio.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
If you're an Ohio State fan, you know, yeah,
that's a little bit far Not agood look.
I don't even say that in myhouse.
Speaker 3 (39:23):
It's not a.
Thing.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
It's not a thing.
I taught my daughter at onewhen anyone says that to go, no,
no, no, no, no, and I have avideo of it I got proof of this.
And it happened at a grocerystore Two guys talking about the
game.
Yeah, she walked right up tohim like in my cart.
She was like one and a half.
Speaker 3 (39:40):
I was like no no, no.
And the guy's like what.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
And I said, say it again he goes Ohio State.
She goes, how'd you do this?
I was like I taught her reallyyoung.
Speaker 3 (39:51):
Yeah, you know that's awesome, does she?
Speaker 2 (39:54):
still do it.
She's older now, so she doeswhatever she wants.
Speaker 1 (39:59):
She's a preteen.
It'd be sweet if she still didit, though.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
I'll bet part of her wants to.
Speaker 3 (40:03):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
She knows better than that, oh shit.
So do you want to go first, orsecond so do you?
Speaker 1 (40:10):
want to go first or second, I'll go first.
I only have four written downright now.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
I got five.
If you want to come up with afifth, Okay, you do yours then.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
So this is top five worst places to be drunk.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
Yep, and I could definitely come up with another
one of these while you're going,if we have more time, all right
.
Top five worst places to bedrunk, number five.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
You're going to do five, four, three, two, one.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
Isn't that how we usually do it?
You do whatever the fuck wayyou want to Number five.
Mombo Sometimes Number five.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
Sometimes you get lost.
No, oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
No Number five At your mom's funeral.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
Yeah, that would be horrible.
That would be horrible.
Just hammered, yeah, like yougot.
Or what would be even worse isif you were hammered fucking
drunk and you got the call thatyour mom died oh.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Yeah, yeah, I don't even want to talk about this.
Let's go on to number four.
All right, number four.
Oh yeah, yeah, I don't want totalk about this.
We're going to number four.
All right, number four.
Apparent teacher conferencesfor your kindergarten.
(41:30):
Oh my god, yes, holy shit, kidsfive, you're just fucking shit
face how's's Demi doing?
Speaker 1 (41:33):
Good, okay, oh shit, yeah, oh my God.
Yeah, that would be awful.
I mean that would be awful ifyour kid was older as well, but
at any parent-teacher conference, I'd say up to eight.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
it's savage though.
If you come in hammered.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Yeah, yeah, that's bad, that's really bad.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
I know Number three At your granddaughter's church
for her baptism.
Speaker 3 (42:02):
Hammered, hammered.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
Granddaughter though.
So that's like multiple peopleyou're pissing off.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
Yeah, yeah, that's like generational.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
Just hammered Like dude, I wouldn't do well with
that.
Like, if I get a certain point,I'm just like moving all over
Like it's not.
You're going to know.
Speaker 3 (42:21):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
Number two During a final meeting with your parole
officer.
Speaker 3 (42:29):
You're fucked, you're fucked.
Speaker 1 (42:34):
You're fucked, oh man , yeah, that would be awful.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
And number five.
I'm sure this has happened.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
I'm going to have to Google it, but it would be even
worse, it's number one.
Speaker 2 (42:46):
Shit, I did it again.
I did five, down to five.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
I know you get fucked up, but it would be even worse
if that's why you were in jail,like you were drinking and
driving or something like that.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
And everything was fine.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
Everything's been fine.
And you show up to the last oneand you're just hammered.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
I had a buddy that had so many DUIs that he had to
blow into a breathalyzer tostart the car.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
Yeah, there's a lot of people that have that you got
to pay every time you do it.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Yeah, it's like 10 bucks a time.
Speaker 1 (43:13):
Oh really.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
Every time you breathe into it, or he has to
change it.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
They call it a blow-in A blow-in go.
Yeah, it's $10 each time youblow into it.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Or like every week, he had to change something on it
.
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
I just leave the fucking car running, run.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
I would never turn that good jacket ever like oh
shit all right number one duringyour last driver's test for
driver's ed as a kid where it'sillegal.
And then I have other ones thatI was going to throw in there.
(43:50):
Wait, go for it Like Ohio At anamusement park.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
Oh yeah.
Yeah, there's a lot of peoplethat get drunk at an amusement
park, though.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
At a wave pool.
Speaker 1 (44:02):
Oh yeah, that would suck.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
At your final divorce hearing, while giving a speech
to kids.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
Hold on so I got a joke.
So there's this guy and and hiswife and they're at a uh,
amusement park.
We'll say, and they, uh,they're together and they're
having a good time, whatever.
And the lady looks over and seesher old boyfriend okay, and
he's just fucking hammered,drunk, okay, and she's like, you
know, like she tells herhusband like, wow, yeah, look
(44:42):
what the fuck is he doing?
Like look at him, he's allfucking, he's all hammered.
He's like we were together like30 years ago and the guy looks
at her and says, yeah, and he'sstill fucking celebrating.
We were together like 30 yearsago and the guy looked at her
and he says yeah, and he's stillfucking celebrating.
Speaker 3 (44:58):
I'm still going crazy , dude.
Speaker 2 (44:59):
Oh my God, Three decades of this.
This isn't one.
Speaker 3 (45:03):
This is two.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
He's still celebrating, oh my God, I've
never remarried.
I don't even like that term inmy house, but I got all sorts of
women that come through.
Oh my God, still celebrating,still going fucking hard.
What about while giving aspeech to kids about DARE and
(45:24):
why they shouldn't do drugs?
Speaker 3 (45:27):
Oh man yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
Oh shit, wow, yeah, that would be bad.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Like other things, like job-related, like what if
you're at a conferencerepresenting your company and
you're right in the middle ofthe giant floor at McCormick
Place or something?
Like that in your company garb,and you're hammered and you're
fucking sloshed yeah, I know afew people that have done that.
Speaker 1 (45:54):
Just be hammered drunk.
You're fucking sloshed yeah, Iknow a few people that have done
that.
Just be hammered drunk Alright.
So my top five is worst placesto get caught having sex.
The frosty cup, the buttholebar Alright Number five In your
parents' bed.
Speaker 2 (46:13):
Oh, did your parents catch you.
Speaker 3 (46:16):
Yeah, oh yeah, your parents caught you.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
There's nothing you can say.
We were just doing laundry.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
I was cleaning it, I was churning.
Look at me, she was churningbutter.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Mom, Dad, I was cleaning it and it went off.
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (46:33):
I don't know what happened.
Speaker 2 (46:38):
Okay In the confession booth at your church.
Dude, you're going to be sentstraight to penis purgatory For
sure.
Fuck, people are going to haveto donate so much to get us out.
That sounds horrible.
I'm like me and my lady and youand your lady.
That would be dare, big timeAll right.
Speaker 1 (47:02):
Number three At your work office party oh.
Speaker 2 (47:09):
And no one wants to be that guy, and everybody
already knows who that guy isgoing to be.
Speaker 3 (47:13):
Yeah, yeah, all right , number two, and no one wants
to be that guy and everybodyalready knows who that guy's
gonna be.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Yeah, yeah, all right , number two at your wife's
funeral when she just died oh mygod, it took a second for you
to get that one wow, he'salready over it.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
That's pretty cool.
That was fast.
And her murder's still an openinvestigation.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (47:46):
Yeah, all right, and then number one Dude, that's
brutal.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
You look over.
It's like.
Barb was so awesome, barb wasso cool.
Where's Brad?
Speaker 3 (48:00):
Oh, yeah, you fucking like that, you fucking.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
That reminds me of Wedding Crashers, when he
started crashing funerals andhanging out with Will Ferrell.
Oh yeah, he's like all thesympathy pussy I'm getting out
here.
It's just ridiculous, oh shit.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
And number one, oh no , number one worst place to get
caught having sex Arby's At workby yourself.
Speaker 2 (48:30):
Dude just sitting there, just like oh my.
God, that would be so bad yeahall right, man, you're the only
one in the building.
Yeah, I'll do it.
Yes I'll do it hey, man, Iforgot my god.
What the because?
(48:52):
Because you would never comeback from that.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
No, you'd always be.
Yeah, you'd always be that guyoh.
Speaker 2 (48:58):
You're like, yeah, if your name was Jim, you'd be
Jack and Jim.
Jimmy Jackoff Jerk and Jim overhere, oh shit.
Speaker 1 (49:08):
Yeah, you would never , never recover from that one.
Speaker 2 (49:12):
No, oh With oh, with yourself too.
What if it was like asophisticated pocket pussy that
costs a lot of money?
Speaker 3 (49:22):
Like a $500 one.
Speaker 2 (49:25):
Yeah, like a weird hentai, Like me, so honey.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
Oh shit, yeah, that would be.
Yeah, that'd be awful.
Speaker 2 (49:33):
Whoa, I've realized that when I talk, that blue
light goes off.
That's so cool.
The blue light.
Watch the blue light.
It's science, it's science.
Speaker 1 (49:51):
Well, dude, that was kind of fun, that was fun.
Yeah, I hope people enjoy.
Well, dude, that was kind offun, that was fun.
Yeah, I hope people enjoy theshow Because I had a yeah, I
think that it was a cool showjust to come up with shit on the
fly.
Speaker 2 (50:03):
So, yeah, oh yeah.
That's the best part, that'sthe shock factor of it.
Speaker 3 (50:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (50:08):
Top five reasons you're not getting laid tonight.
That would have been great thatwas way.
Speaker 1 (50:13):
Other top five what was the other ones that you had?
Top five worst things you couldsay where someone tells you
they are pregnant, oh, whensomeone tells you they were
pregnant, that would have beenbad.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
Do you know who the dad is?
Speaker 1 (50:31):
How many guys could it be?
Okay, that's the one I did.
What's this one?
Speaker 2 (50:37):
You can get pregnant from blowjobs.
Speaker 1 (50:40):
You can't get pregnant if you get fucked in
the butt?
We learned that Worst thingsyou could whisper in your
partner's ear during foreplay.
That would kill all progress.
Speaker 3 (50:53):
I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car
insurance to Geico you ever haverodeo sex.
Speaker 1 (51:01):
Or just like, hey, honey, honey, look at me you
think the sprinklers are on.
Speaker 2 (51:09):
You ever have rodeo sex.
Speaker 1 (51:10):
What's rodeo sex?
It's where you're on top of herand you yell her sister's name
and you try to stay on for eightseconds.
Speaker 2 (51:23):
Hey girl, you want a 68?
I'm hanging on.
What's 68?
You go down on me and I'll oweyou one.
No shit, oh man, I love theshock value of this.
Like it's just, it's pure, it'sgreat.
That's what it always gets megoing.
Speaker 3 (51:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:46):
Dude.
What's cool is we can use thosein other episodes that didn't
get picked Like the ones that wedid in the top fives.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
Perfect, yeah, yeah, we definitely can.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
Top five reasons you're so drunk that you have
T-Rex arms on a couch.
Yeah, I was wrecked, dude.
I was raving all night withConsuelo Consuelo Dude.
That must have been fun, it was.
Speaker 1 (52:12):
For a little while.
You probably drink a lot.
I yeah, I mean, I had otherdrinks other than just the shots
.
So how old were you?
I was like 30.
Oh, okay, Something, yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:29):
You covered that, I'm just you know.
Yeah, you covered that, I'mjust you know?
Speaker 1 (52:36):
Yeah, it was only 10 to 12 years ago.
12 years ago something likethat.
Speaker 2 (52:41):
I remember 12 years ago, tuesday, exactly today,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (52:45):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
Was it sunny?
No.
Speaker 3 (52:51):
It rained.
Speaker 2 (52:51):
Was there morning dew .
Speaker 1 (52:54):
Yes, dude, those people that can do that, though,
those people are freaky.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
They can remember exactly what happened, Like the
matching game with them.
Like you know, it's fuck you.
You already know.
Speaker 3 (53:05):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (53:07):
That's what makes it fun, yeah.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
You do know, fuck you .
Speaker 1 (53:10):
Yeah, yeah, they can remember exactly what time it
was when this happened.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
No, you shit your pants at 944.
I was there, I cleaned it at 9.
Speaker 1 (53:20):
Yeah, I hope I didn't go to school with that person.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
I cleaned it at 952.
I was there.
Speaker 3 (53:26):
And you got picked up by 1014.
I was there.
Speaker 2 (53:35):
Oh man, I wish I could do that.
Speaker 1 (53:37):
That would be freaky.
I mean, I'd be awesome If youcould, if you remember shit like
that, but yeah, Someday I'mgonna think really hard about it
, you know.
Speaker 3 (53:50):
Okay, let me know how that goes If we.
Speaker 2 (53:52):
Anything's possible.
Speaker 1 (53:54):
Right, probably not.
That, though there's no way.
Yeah Well, I think that's itfor the show.
Speaker 3 (54:03):
Hell yeah, that's it, hell yeah.
Speaker 2 (54:08):
Oh my gosh, if you ever want to get in touch with
the show.
Speaker 3 (54:11):
Yeah, in the touch you want to get felt up.
Speaker 2 (54:14):
Where did the show touch you?
Right here, right here.
Speaker 3 (54:18):
And especially down here.
Am I naughty, you're naughty,you're naughty.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
And this is what he said he'd do if I ever told him
oh dude.
Speaker 3 (54:31):
That reminds me.
Speaker 1 (54:37):
So I just watched Tommy boy the other night.
Speaker 2 (54:38):
You gotta tell people about the fucking the car.
The car part like the brake padno, you're, you're uh before
your interview well, oh dudeisn't tommy boy great that's
awesome do I tell it?
yeah, so uh about a month and ahalf ago that's the worst part I
(55:00):
was interviewing for a job, soI stopped at a truck stop that's
in between where I was workingand where I was going and uh, I
have two suit coats that arepretty much identical.
One is a large, one's a doublexl like pretty much identical.
One is a large, one's a doubleXL Like pretty much like.
It's.
One fits real good, one doesn't.
Yeah Well, I get in thebathroom of this truck stop and
(55:21):
it's empty.
I mean, there's probably likefive, six stalls and, like I
don't know, a bunch of urinals.
Speaker 3 (55:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (55:27):
And I don't hear anything like for like for a
good three minutes.
I just changed right there,dude.
I didn't even go in thebathroom.
Why, weird what confidence I'mjust going to whip my shit out
right here.
Speaker 3 (55:39):
I didn't see anybody, right, right.
Speaker 2 (55:41):
So I put the wrong coat on and I realized I grabbed
the wrong coat.
So it's a small coat and I'm abig guy.
Speaker 3 (55:47):
I'm 6'3".
Speaker 2 (55:49):
You know, definitely not super skinny, but definitely
I don't know.
I'm an.
I'm an in-betweener right and,uh, I grabbed the wrong coat so
I'm in this bathroom not givinga fuck and I'm just start
singing.
I'm just like fat guy in alittle coat.
Fat guy in a little coat, likejust letting it have it, dude,
(56:12):
because I'm out of my job andI'm like fuck this, I don't give
a shit.
Speaker 3 (56:15):
I'm going to wear it.
Speaker 2 (56:17):
And all of a sudden I hear a flush.
I'm like, fuck dude, are youkidding me?
Middle Eastern guy gets out andhe looks at me.
I'm like, did you hear that?
And he's like yes, yes, I didit.
Yes, I did.
It's from Tommy Boy, right?
He was like yeah, he's like fatguy.
He starts laughing, singingverbatim when I was singing dude
(56:37):
, it was so awkward, but he wasawesome.
Big props to that guy if youever listened to this but, yeah,
that was so fucking good.
We were both laughing.
I went in there alone.
We walked out like a team, fistbumping like you know, and the
last thing he said to me waslike you should try American
Idol.
Speaker 3 (56:55):
And I was like are you?
No?
Speaker 2 (56:57):
No, he was just fucking being goofy.
That's awesome, dude.
Yeah, it was an awkwardsituation that turned out great.
Speaker 1 (57:06):
Yeah, I can just imagine you fucking doing that
now.
Speaker 2 (57:10):
Yeah, totally sober, it's like 2 o'clock.
I didn't you fucking doing thatnow.
Yeah, totally sober, it's like2 o'clock, didn't even hit my
pen.
Speaker 1 (57:15):
Oh shit.
Well, if anybody wants to get ahold of the show, how do they
do that?
Speaker 2 (57:20):
Eric.
Oh, I'm so glad you asked, Brad.
I've been waiting all night.
You can reach us atrowdandloudy at gmailcom.
Speak (57:35):
R-o-w-d-a-n-d-l-o-u-d-e-y at gmailcom and you just gotta
say something you know doesn'tmatter.
Leave us a comment or topicidea.
That'd be cool or you can justlisten to the show and just have
a good time.
Yeah, we appreciate you guyslistening.
It's been a blast tonight, beena blast every Been a blast,
dude 10.
Every other episode, episode 10.
(57:56):
We're like a tenth of the wayto 100.
Speaker 2 (58:00):
Whoa Wait if my numbers are right.
Speaker 3 (58:03):
That's like a tenth right, all right everybody.
I'm a hundy 47.
Speaker 2 (58:12):
That'd be great.
No, dickon, it's 10.
We just said it.
No, no, everybody, I'm a hundy47.
That'd be great.
No, dickon, it's 10.
We just said it.
No, no, no, you got to carrythe two of them here's how I
came up with the numbers.
Speaker 1 (58:20):
You got to math it, right.
Speaker 2 (58:22):
I got to math good and math strong Boy.
Yeah, thank you guys.
So much for listening.
We're sorry that we always getoff topic, but if you want to
listen to previous ones, theyare hilarious.
Oh yeah, bad sound qualitystarts in episode five, but
they're still awesome episodes.
They're probably some of ourbest.
Speaker 1 (58:38):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (58:40):
You're welcome.
Speaker 1 (58:41):
Yeah, they're awesome .
I'd still, every once in awhile, listen to the old ones
and laugh my ass off.
Speaker 2 (58:46):
They're the top five gifts to not buy your wife.
Yeah, those were brutal.
Speaker 3 (58:56):
Yeah, those were brutal.
Yeah, those were bad.
Speaker 2 (58:57):
A dildo there's no, oh, it's a dildo.
You got me a dildo forchristmas, all right all right
everybody have a good night.
Speaker 1 (59:05):
We'll catch you on the next episode, boom peace
isn't that when it starts?
Speaker 3 (59:14):
The music.
Thing.
Welcome to the Roud and Loudy podcast.
This is episode 10.
Holy shit, and we've got agreat show.
We're going to do some storyroulette and some top five
roulette and if this is thefirst time that you are
listening to the show, welcome.
Yep, we do some crazy shit onthis show.
(00:40):
We talk about whatever comes toour mind.
It's definitely some comedy.
We're going to make you laugh,probably question your sanity
for a little, you know.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
It's got a simple structure to it too.
So in the beginning I'll telltwo stories.
Brad tells two stories,whatever order.
Brad doesn't know the story I'mtelling, I don't know the story
Brad's telling.
And then we flip to a top five,uh, where we kind of do
something random like a top fiveworst gifts to buy your wife,
top five different things ofthat nature this is a different
(01:11):
type of situation, because weare just drawing things at
random.
So we normally have thesestories prepared, which the
stories we do, but the top fivesare going to be on the spot and
it's gonna be fucking greatyeah, the top fives we usually
prepare as well.
Speaker 3 (01:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
We go over that.
We have some things that weknow are going to be out there
and make each other laugh, butif you're at all curious about
all that stuff, you can go back.
We've got, like I said, this isour 10th episode, so you can go
back and listen to 1 through 9and laugh your ass off, or don't
to 1 through 9 and laugh yourass off or don't.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
It's really up to you .
And we apologize too forepisode 1 through 5, the sound
difference I was talking to Brad, I listened to a little bit of
it on the way home the sounddifference from 1 and the sound
difference to 4 and the sounddifference to when you get to 6
is like holy shit, even thesound difference from 1-2 was
pretty epic change.
(02:07):
But the first thing we always dowith every episode is we do a
quick recap of the previous topfive.
So we did a little bit of amarry one, fuck, one, kill one
situation last episode, and soit was just me putting Brad on
the spot.
Brad put me on the spot, so onethat I came up with for Brad
was Michelin man.
The Michelin man and his outfita furry that never takes his
(02:31):
costume off, so like it, justalways wears that all the time,
even shower.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Oh, yeah, it was a golden.
It was not a golden retriever.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, and the lemur emu.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Yeah, and.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Brad said he was going to kill the emu, marry the
furry and fuck the Michelin man.
And I told him he'd be likeremember that Like a marshmallow
, like a punch in a marshmallowand just go into town.
So that was number three.
Number two Brad put me on thespot and made me choose between
my beloved Taco Bell and pizza.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (03:03):
You had to kill pizza .
Speaker 2 (03:04):
And I can't publicly do that to tacos.
So this is where we're at.
You had to kill pizza and thenext one you put me on the spot
with was brutal too.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I had to give one thing up for the rest of my life
weed or sex.
And it's like come on.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Dude that comment you made.
You put four bullets in thechamber that came out weed sex,
taco bell and pizza.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Unbelievable yeah that's what you filled that gun
of hatred with and just.
And I also want to give aspecial shout out today to Mr
Brad it is his birthday.
Right now, while we were doingthis, it is his birthday.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Has it been a good day.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Not really no, if I got to be honest.
But this is going to make itall fucking better dude Straight
up.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
No, no, it has not been.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Wait, we got to give a special shout out to Jerry as
well.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Oh, with a comment, do you have it?
Can you pull it?
Speaker 1 (04:07):
up.
Yeah, I'll pull it up.
I'll pull it up.
Shit.
Yeah, he sent us an email.
What was it?
A couple days ago.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
Yeah, and the funny thing too is he's in Florida.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Yeah, yeah, he said, funny thing too is uh he's in
florida.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yeah, yeah, he said he's been listening to it all
the time.
There's like a heat map for ourshow and like it shows where
people are, like there's somedetroit, there's some kalamazoo,
there's some you know, there'slike one in florida, and I can
almost tell you where my dad is,because yeah, so he said hello,
gentlemen.
Speaker 3 (04:47):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
He has a weird like.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
We're not, gentlemen at all Kind of Kind of.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
I just went for a one-hour walk on the beach and
listened to the episode seven.
Funny.
What did I learn?
Never let Matt P offer to buypizza for anybody.
No, in Gulf Shores, we had afeeling that you were the
instigator, eric.
Thanks for the confirmation.
Oh shit, that's that episode.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, that's nuts.
That's why he was texting melike that.
He was trying to pry.
I didn't even know.
I didn't know until right now.
Yep, oh yeah, didn't even know.
I didn't know until right now.
Yep, oh yeah, that was bad.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I still feel bad for that one, like I really do yeah,
and then after hearing thestory about seven-year-old brad
and the shit show when I see himat bart bauer bash, make sure
he washed his hands before heshaked up, excellent comment,
thank you so much.
It's been a riot listening toyour podcast.
You guys work well together,jerry.
(05:45):
Yeah, so that was awesome, thatwas good, that's the type of
stuff we want.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
So like we want more of that, Like, just like little.
We'll always read them on theshow, Like if you hit that email
up send it in.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Did your gift card come?
Oh, I didn't even see it.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
I timed it for six.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
So I could give you the paper yeah so when did it go
?
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Went away.
No, it's not there yet.
You didn't give me shit.
Oh yeah, you did.
Here it is, Yep, I got it.
In your face.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
So yeah, tonight we're doing a little bit of a
weird situation and it's yourbirthday, so you get to pick
first.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So do you want me to tell the story first, or would
you like to go?
Speaker 2 (06:32):
I think that you should tell the story first, so
you need to choose no you'repicking one that I do.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Oh, I'm picking it, yeah, oh, all right.
Well, shit, shit, oh, no, shit,oh, no, no.
Oh, I'm picking ones that youput in.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Dude, did I get this assignment wrong?
Speaker 3 (06:50):
You got it all fucked up, dude, that's all right,
I'll pick one of yours.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
So you put stories that I'm going to tell, though.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
I'll pick the stories that I put in.
I can tell, so I'll pick one ofyours.
Here we go.
So the first story of the nightwill be Meat Beater 3000.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Oh yeah, buddy, what the fuck is that all about?
Speaker 2 (07:15):
I actually know the year of this, so this is 2006.
I'm in high school.
I'm a junior, okay 2006.
You're a junior in high school.
That makes me feel fucking olddude.
But the bar for like what's oldkeeps getting higher for me.
So, like you know, like, when Ihit 40 then it's like 70.
(07:37):
Come on, like dude, he's old asfuck, 70 and then, like, once I
hit 50 it becomes 80, you knowit's like dude.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Look at hank over here.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Dude right the fuck you doing, hank you 80 year old,
fucking old piece of shit that80 year old piece of shit's
probably kick your ass too so Iwas, I don't know I got, I got
in trouble at times at school,but I was also a good student,
like I, I, I don't know 3.5 kindof kid.
Yep, um, and we were inlanguage arts and we had to
(08:09):
design a flyer for somethingthat we picked out of a bag.
So we got a partner and we gotone person Okay, and you, we had
to sell this product, right,yeah, so I reached my hand into
this awesome little sack Okay,in front of everybody.
So there's probably 30 kids inthis class Yep, right, and I
(08:31):
don't know.
I reach in, dude, and I grab ameat beater, A meat, what the
fuck?
Like the thing that you wouldtenderize meat with, right, okay
, so they gave us two days, theylet us type it up, you know,
whatever.
So me and another kid that wasabsolutely hilarious.
I'm not gonna say his name,we're gonna call him dave, all
(08:54):
right, okay, he, he's well knownin the business world.
I'm just gonna yeah, no, he'sdoing well for himself.
Um, so, dave and me, we getthis meat beater and we're
fucking nine.
We're like dude, we're gonnagive a whole pitch about beating
your meat in front of all these, like fucking other 17 year
(09:14):
olds.
Some are gonna get it, some aregonna think we're immature, but
we're going for it, dude.
So we designed a whole flyer andand pamphlet like do we like
put our heart and soul into this?
Like we put, like we, we putlike the thing on the front and
we named it the meat beater 3000.
And like we put, we put likeabsolutely like we actually put
(09:39):
like a lot of content into ittoo.
Like we put like types of meatthat it would work with.
We put, um, you know situationswhere you could beat your meat
and this would help.
We put what beating your meatwith the competition looks like.
We even put up with like uh,started putting together like
new products like the meatbeater 4000, where you can beat
your meat in public.
And, dude, we gave this wholepitch.
(10:01):
Okay, so the class is supersheltered, like there's a lot, a
lot of like sheltered kids inthere and a lot of kids don't
get it.
And that's what's even funnier.
It's like me and Dar oh my God,me and Dave are like driving
this thing home and like, justlike we're like we can't look at
each other because like we'llfucking lose it.
We know it, dude, about a meatbeater to the whole class and
(10:26):
the best part was the teachersin the back and she is awesome.
So she was a really cool, I'llsay your last Mrs Brown, and she
was just, she was dying dude.
Yeah Fucking losing it.
She was not sheltered, so sheknows exactly what's going on
she knows where you're going.
Speaker 3 (10:43):
She knows exactly, dude.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
So when we're talking about beating our meat in
public, she's like hitting thetable and, like you know, like
the three of us are laughing nowyeah so yeah, so I gave a whole
sales presentation when I was17 about beating my meat in
front of like 20 of my peers 25with a straight fucking face and
got an A.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
No shit, you should have recorded that dude.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Dude yeah.
Somebody should have recordedthat, and coming this fall, the
Meat Beater 4000.
Now you can beat your meat inpublic.
It beats white meat, dark meat,black meat, brown meat, hell,
it even beats red meat.
Oh my God.
Came up with other products too,meat.
(11:29):
Oh my god, with other productstoo, like, um, I think the meat
beater 5000 was so that youcould beat your meat on a plane,
like we had all sorts of, butit just like.
It was crazy to me how manypeople didn't get it.
Yeah, at that point, like 17, Igot that right, but they didn't
.
But like seeing the teacher andlike just knowing that, like
that situation's probably talkedabout it.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
You know different teaching oh, you know, she went
into the teacher's lounge andwas just still dying about it,
telling all of her, oh, yeah,and she's like, what do I do?
Speaker 2 (11:56):
like, do I do I get them in trouble?
Or because so she called.
She called us after the classand so all the kids leave and
she goes.
Guys, honestly, that's one ofthe funniest things I've ever
heard in my life.
The way you did that, with astraight face, still blows my
mind.
She goes.
I just want to let you knowthat if I get any phone calls
(12:17):
about this, we might have tofigure it out.
But that was hilarious, it wastotally cool with it, but also
kind of let us know, hey, behush-hush about it.
Like don't go bragging aboutthis because I don't want to
deal with this.
So like when she told us that,like it became an even funnier
joke.
It's like a fart in church nowdude yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
You and another person know about it and you
can't even talk about about yep,yep nice oh my god, so yeah, I
would have, I would have laughedmy ass off, as in that class I
want to say.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
There's probably one or two people that were, but
trying to hide it like out ofrespect to like to like you know
, let me sell it right I saw theshit out of it, dude.
Everybody in that class wouldhave been beating their meat in
public.
Dude, they'd have been flyingspirit airlines getting through
like what is that?
It's a meat beater.
What do you mean?
What is it high?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
tech.
Everybody's buying the meatbeater 3000 it's 2006 technology
bitch, what are you doing?
Speaker 2 (13:10):
trying to join the mile hot club myself oh shit, oh
my god yeah, so I don't know, Ijust thought that was bold, but
worth it do you remember?
Speaker 1 (13:21):
it was the uh song I think two Two Live Crew did it
where he's talking about the.
That was the beginning of thesong where he's talking about.
I think it was like fucking acorpse or something like that.
What the fuck?
Yeah, it was really fucked up.
But I played that in one of myEnglish classes and I did a
(13:42):
paper on it.
But I played like the intro tothe song and it was like he was
fucking a corpse or somethinglike that and realized what he'd
done and so he like took astraw and like yeah, it was bad,
dude, it was bad.
I'll have to find that songdude.
Speaker 2 (13:58):
I would have had weird dude if you would have
played that in front of me.
I'd be like this guy's gonnakill all of us guys listen, look
at h.
Look at huddle, huddle.
Come here.
Okay, he's talking aboutdrinking a corpse, alright.
You don't do that.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Yeah, yeah, I was fucked up.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
So pause for a second .
I think I got the assignmentcompletely wrong, so I was
supposed to write topics that Iwas going to talk about in the
bowl or that you were going totalk about in the bowl.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
That I was going to talk about in the bowl, but
that's fine because I've got theones.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
That's how my top fives work.
These are all for you.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Okay, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
That's fine yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
So you pick out one of my three.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Retirement parties.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
So I'll talk about my dad's retirement party.
Okay, how long ago?
Um, let's see, this wasprobably 10 to 12 years ago, I
think somewhere in the 12 to 15,I'm not sure exactly but that
time frame.
So we'll say 12 years.
So my dad worked at a machineshop for 30-some years, got out
(15:12):
of the Army, went in there andthey ended up shutting the doors
because they had a union and itdidn't go well.
And uh, so he went into thislittle hole in the wall place
that they did the speedometerlike your, the stick that moves
(15:34):
on your speedometer.
The colors, like they.
They did the colorations andthey did that's what they made.
They did those and then they didpilots for, like, your water
heater, your furnace, your youroven, shit like that.
And it was just like, but hewent in there as like a setup,
like he'd set up the tools andstuff like that.
But there was all these, justall these like little Mexican
(15:58):
gals that were working in therethat were doing some of the
production and stuff, and theyjust loved them Right in there
that were doing some of theproduction and stuff, and they
just loved them right and uh, sothey, they wanted to throw him
a retirement party.
So they all came to their house, right?
like the owner's house or no,hit like my mom and dad's house.
Okay, my mom was out of townfor the retirement party.
(16:21):
She I can't remember now whereshe was, but she knew that the
party was going down and allthat.
And so all these little Mexicangals show up and they've got
tequila, they've got all thealcohol shit.
And this one lady that wasreally like my dad, she brought
(16:41):
Jell-O shots, oh my God.
So brought Jell-O shots.
Okay, oh my God.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
So how many people were there?
Speaker 1 (16:47):
I'm thinking there was probably 30 people there,
holy shit.
Yeah, there's quite a bit.
You know, some people came thathe used to work with at the
tool shop, things like that.
So there's quite a few people,some people that I knew that I'd
met previous.
You know, because when I was akid I'd go into the machine shop
all the time with him, you know, meet people and whatever walk
(17:13):
around, and so these my dad didnot want to do shots.
Okay, he's like I'll drinkwhatever I'll do, but I'm not
doing shots because he didn'twant to get all fucked up, right
?
Speaker 2 (17:25):
So Something tells me he does a shot.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
No he doesn't do a shot, I, with my bright idea, I
tell this little Mexican gal,I'm like I'll do his shot too.
So this was back when I wasdrinking.
Yeah, so she's like okay.
Speaker 3 (17:49):
So I started doing two jello shots to her, one
right, because I'm doing mineand I'm doing my dad's.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I get completely fucking blitz what time of day
is it right now?
Speaker 1 (17:56):
it's at this point in time, it's probably five or six
in the afternoon afternoon,yeah, so my dad did um, he loves
the fish, I love the fish too,but he had uh, he did a big fish
fry for everybody.
So I had a bunch of them in thefreezer brings them out, thaws
(18:19):
them out, breads them, and thenhe has like a big turkey fryer.
He throws all these fish in andbut it's, they're awesome, dude
, you know gills and uh, perchand that kind of shit and uh.
So I I'm just gettingcompletely fucking wasted right,
and I think it was probablyabout a half hour after.
(18:44):
I have no idea how many shots Idid.
I don't remember.
So I go over in the yard andthere's these.
You remember those old plasticchairs that you could lay open
Like they would click up andthen click down and they'd lay
all the way open.
So I'm laying on one of thoseright and I've got the head
tilted up a little bit and I'mthere in this chair and I'm
(19:04):
laying on one of those right andI've got the.
I've got the head, like, tiltedup a little bit and I'm just,
I'm there in this chair and I'mjust wrecked, you know, just
wrecked.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
Laying like a.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Tyrannosaurus.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
It's on a plane, I'm like come out of my side just
wrecked and it's, you know,probably six, 37 o'clock at this
point, you know, and I rack out, you know, I'm just, I'm out
and I wake up and I just hurlall this pink all this jello
shit all over the ground andsomebody must have saw me.
(19:37):
Oh my God, like puke.
They're probably worried aboutme, I don't know.
So I get up and I'm stumblingaround and whatever, and my dad,
like it's, I think people arestarting to roll out.
You know, people are done.
And so my dad grabs me and likewe're going inside and they had
(20:00):
a two-story house, so we walkup on the porch, we go inside
and I'm going up the stairs andI it's a like a try or a double
level kind of stairway, so yougo up like 10 stairs to a
landing and then it turns 90degrees and you go up more to
(20:23):
the second story.
Yeah, and I get to the landingand I turn 90 degrees and I go
up like two steps.
My dad's right behind me, right, he's following me up the
stairs and I just lay down.
Speaker 3 (20:36):
I get like two more stairs and I just fucking lay
down.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Like on your back or on your front, no, on my front.
I just stop Dude like a beachT-Rex again.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
I just stopped and fucking lay down and my dad
practically fucking falls on topof me, right, because I just
stopped.
You know, I'm going up thestairs and I just stopped and
fucking lay down.
Oh my God.
So, my dad spends the next likefive, ten minutes trying to get
me back up.
Finally gets me back up.
(21:07):
I finish walking up the rest ofthe stairs and he, like fucking
, just pours me into bed.
Right, you know.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Yeah, Get in there and I'm fucking out.
Done son.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
So the next morning I have no idea what time I got up
and you know everybody's gone,he's up, he's kind of cleaning
up around the place and I've gotto get back home and before I
left we're talking like hey Dad,thanks for you know, inviting
(21:39):
me and whatever and letting mecompletely destroy myself.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
You know, that's exactly what I told him.
Thank you so much.
Thanks so much for letting mecompletely destroy myself.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
You know, that's exactly what I told him.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Thank you so much.
Thanks so much for letting mecompletely destroy myself.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Dude, I got white girl wasted last night.
You were my buddy, I appreciatethat.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
Yeah, he got me upstairs.
But yeah, he's like what thehell were you doing?
You know he's talking aboutgoing up the stairs.
I'm like I don't know, I justit was time to go to bed or
something.
I don't know, I just fuckinglaid down.
Oh my God.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Dude, those were the- .
Speaker 1 (22:08):
I think that was the last time that I got completely
drunk.
I think that was the last timeI.
I think it wasn't the last timeI drank, but yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
While you were telling that I'm just writing
down gold stories.
Oh yeah, Because I'm justthinking of what like been there
done, like you know.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
It's ringing bells Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
All right, so we got another next story here.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
And then we got a or should you pick a top five so
you can start writing ideas downwhile I'm talking and I'll pick
a top five while you aretalking and I can start writing
down gold ideas.
Speaker 3 (22:46):
All right.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Are your top fives?
Like funny things for me to do?
Top fives on.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Okay, me too.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Yeah, I got that assignment right.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Yeah, Shit Um it's this one.
Speaker 2 (22:58):
No, I've got the one that, oh the it's this one.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
No, I've got the one that.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Oh, the top fives, yep, these are mine.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Oh, no, no, no no, no , I've got your next story Okay.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
No, it's this one.
No, no, no, no.
I already picked it.
I picked it.
I put that right here.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
I already picked it, dude, fuck off, I already picked
it.
Okay, so we need a top five.
Okay so I'm picking one ofthese and that's for you to do,
okay.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
And you got to say it out loud though.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
All right, so I'm going to pick this one.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
Yeah, what is it?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
This one.
So my top five tonight is goingto be worst places to get
caught having sex.
All right, that's a good one.
Okay, yours, yours are thesethree here.
Boom, boom Boom.
Speaker 2 (23:51):
Nice Top five worst places to be drunk.
I like that.
Wait, that's for me to do right, yeah, that's for you.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
Yep, okay, so your story is going to be Les
Miserables.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Les Miserables, les Miserables, les Miserables, les
Miserables, oh man, all right.
So if you know anything aboutme, you know I'm a sports guy,
right, always have been, andwhen I was growing up it was all
I did.
Because, dude, 90s basketball,jordan Kobe.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Yeah, yeah, that's one thing, dude.
We had some good.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah, what do?
One thing, dude we had somegood.
Yeah, what do we have now?
No one's watching it.
It's just stupid, nobodywatches.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
I don't know anybody that watches basketball anymore.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
I used to, but now it's just a bunch of people
checking up threes and I can't.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
Yeah, I mean who's the number?
I mean LeBron.
Is LeBron still playing?
Is LeBron?
Speaker 2 (24:43):
still playing.
He's old, but he's good.
He's really good.
Jason Tatum's really good, lukaDonik's really good.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
I don't know.
I know LeBron.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Victor Wimignan is really good, don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Never heard.
I don't watch basketball at allanymore, can't?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
do it.
But, yeah, so I used to be abig sports guy, so when we took
our vacations, a lot of timeswhat we would do is stay with my
Uncle Mike.
So it's my dad's brother, right, and he was in the Navy so he
would always take vacations indifferent spots by water.
So there's always cool thingsto do.
We went to North Carolina allsorts of different shit, yeah.
So one time we actually went tolike a little bit outside,
(25:26):
outside of new jersey, if youwill.
So, um, and we would stay withthem for a week.
um, it was a way we could go seenew towns and, like, do cool
shit yeah um, in new york, dude,we bought like the fake
oakley's and the fake rolexesand we felt like bosses.
You know, fifteen dollars andwe're flossing it, you know yeah
um, but there was a day where Ithink my uncle mike got a
(25:46):
really good discount on ontickets to stuff.
So there's broadway in new york, there's also, uh, madison
square garden where the knicksplay.
That's downtown new york.
So we're in new york and hegoes into this outpost and it's
like his family's big and ourfamily is just my mom, my dad,
me and my brother, so like hisfamily's big and our family is
just my mom, my dad, me and mybrother, so four His family's
(26:07):
one, two, one, two, three, sofive, yeah, so yeah, so it's
like getting tickets for likenine of us to go do something.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
So my dad, before we're in there, like tells us
that there's a basketball gametonight and it's the lakers,
like lakers, knicks.
And I'm like, holy shit, that'sshack and kobe oh yeah right
like oh my god, and there's aplay that we might be you know
we can go to.
Yeah, do you guys have apreference?
(26:39):
It's like basketball game mybrother's like basketball game,
yeah, yeah duh and uh, my dad'slike okay, okay, well, yeah,
okay, and so they go into thisbuilding like we're all outside,
it's new york, so it's reallybusy.
Like we, we took, um, we tookour car down there, but then
like we parked somewhere andtook a cab into the city, if you
will yeah um, and so, like wewere all waiting outside, we're
(27:04):
all excited we're in a big cityfor the first time, like we're
like by downtown, like timesquare area okay, like that's
one place I've never been in newyork nike town.
It's, it's cool that's cool.
I mean, I don't remember a tonabout it, but I remember this.
Um, so we have the option ofgoing to go see the Knicks play
the Lakers with Kobe and Shaq,or go see Les Miserables and
(27:28):
Broadway, and they go in to gettickets.
And I'm looking at my brotherand I'm like dude, if dad comes
back with fucking Broadwaytickets, I'm never forgiving him
for this.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
Like this is fucking bullshit, Like I'm just being
real this is fucking bullshit,I'm calling bullshit on this.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
They come out with fucking play tickets, dude, and
come to find out which I'll fillin later.
Les Miserables is the longestBroadway play in production that
there is.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Oh really, I did not know that it's three and a half
hours long.
Oh my god.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
I'm 12.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
So you're really gonna enjoy it.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
I probably had a kobe jersey on.
I was already ready to go tothe game before I got invited
right, okay, I'm there.
Yes, I'm there so the best partof this whole story, though, is
um, we're sitting in this plane.
It's fucking awful dude.
And I'm like, looking at mybrother, I'm tapping him on the.
It's fucking awful dude, andI'm like looking at my brother,
I'm tapping him on the shoulder.
I'm like this is fucking dumbdude.
This is fucking dumb.
He's like, I know, but just getthrough it, you know, and I'm
(28:31):
like dude.
Why the fuck are they this madat this guy about stealing bread
?
Just let him have the fuckingbread.
We're talking about like adollar Wonder bread dude,
analyzing it at 12.
Right, the lights come on.
The lights come on and we walkout and I look at my dad.
(28:51):
I'm like, dude, I fucking didit, yeah, yeah.
And he's like what do you mean?
I was like I fucking did it andI made it through that shitty
play.
And he's like no, you didn't,this is intermission.
And I'm like what the fuck isintermission?
And he's like it's like halftime.
And as soon as he says halftime, I know exactly what the
fuck that means.
And I'm like wait, wait, wait.
That was half of my nightmare.
(29:14):
Is that we?
That was half of my nightmare,dude.
That was like sitting through awhole movie like, but not a
movie, movie like sound, soundof Music kind of movie.
It was so dumb.
I sat there and like, dude, itscarred me, man, because it's
like I had such high hopes, dude, and then watching them come
(29:37):
out like thinking I'm going tobe excited about that is like
showing up with Almond Joys onHalloween.
Like 90% of the kids are likefuck this house, I'm house, I'm
gonna egg it.
Fuck you, fuck you and your baddecisions, dude, yeah, we got
quinoa for dinner, aren't youexcited?
Like, no, no, I'm not.
No, I am not kobe bryan that'sfucking awesome so I made it
(29:58):
through like the worst play ever.
I mean it got to the pointwhere, like when I was in
college and stuff, I even toldgirls I'm more of a concert guy.
I don't mean to be a dick, butlike, if you want me to go back
to that shithole, I got scarring.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
I got baggage.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
I got trauma, all right.
So, a brother's going to getreally high and maybe take some
hallucinogens before.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
I go If you're cool with that.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
I'm cool with that, right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
Oh, no shit, man, that had to be tragic.
Oh, dude 12 years old watchingthat.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Oh, dude, if I ever do stand-up by myself, I already
know what my set's going to becalled.
It's going to be called LesMiserables.
Dude, there'll be anintermission, just cause.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
Just cause, yeah, I'd be afraid to do stand-up right
now with all.
Just cause, just cause.
Yeah, oh shit.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
I'd be afraid to do stand up right now With all the
Karens in the world.
That's probably why I haven'tdone it.
Like you know how bold I am, Idon't give a shit yeah.
But I haven't done it becauseI'm afraid I'm gonna say
something like but you know whatdude that's?
Speaker 1 (31:00):
That's fine, because there's more comedians that need
to do that shit.
Look at, look at the comediansthat are successful right now.
They don't give a fuck.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
They're going to say.
Whatever they're going to say,I love Bill Burr.
I love Dan Chappelle.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Yeah, Some of the old Cat Williams is gold too.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Yeah, yeah, nobody's doing that kind of thing, I mean
not very few.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Weed ain't the same as drugs.
Weed is a plant.
It just grow like that, if youstill happen to set it on fire
there are some effects hungry,happy, sleepy that's it oh man,
yeah, no, I I don't know, I justyeah I think that would be
horrible.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Yeah, yeah, but all right, so I got to pick another
story, right?
Speaker 3 (31:52):
Yep, hmm.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
Truth serum story.
Oh yeah, this is going to be agood one.
Oh yeah, this is going to be agood one.
So this was about six years ago.
Six or seven years ago, okay,my wife had surgery, and I won't
(32:22):
tell you surgery for what, butshe had surgery.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
But her, yeah, you guessed it.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
So Two Tell them what is one.
Tom, he's won two gifts or tenagainst Red Lobster.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
So before surgery, her best friend is going to come
over with her and she's goingto go to the surgery because
she's a good friend.
And that morning.
So her best friend we'll callher Dawn she comes over and
she's got work to do a littlebit and my wife is ready to go.
(33:03):
She's got all her shit packed,and what I've yeah so she, we
come downstairs and she's likeon me, dude, like she wants it
now and she's not taking no foran answer and I'm like, all
right, fucking a she drugged up.
No, not not at this point.
This is before the surgery.
This is downstairs in our house.
(33:24):
What time is this?
It's like six or seven in themorning.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Dang, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
So I'm like why can't I?
Here we go.
So her friend Dawn is upstairsand we're getting it on
downstairs because we got abedroom downstairs and you know
we're trying to be quiet and youknow all that shit.
So but we get done, get all getourselves together, you know.
(33:52):
Go back upstairs yeah dawn'sgot her.
she's done with work.
I don't have any idea if sheknew what was going on
downstairs, but so we go, weleave the house, go to get her
surgery done and it's like anoutpatient thing, right.
So she's under for I don't knowhour and a half, two hours here
(34:12):
.
No, she's in surgery, okay.
So we go to the outpatientclinic and she comes out of
surgery, right, and they'vedrugged her and put her to sleep
.
Yeah Well this is the firstsurgery that I've ever been
involved in with my wife.
I don't realize that, like thestuff that they give her to
(34:35):
knock her out is like a truthserum.
Okay, she's gonna say whateverthe fuck is on her mind, and she
does like.
So we're.
This is after her surgery.
We're all in the room.
The nurse is in there, herfriend Dawn is in there, I'm in
there and she starts talkingabout what we did that morning.
(34:59):
Like, exactly Like exactly Likedown to like.
Yeah, we were downstairs, wewere doing it when you were
upstairs.
Oh, my God she was just likeexplaining to the everything.
And this nurse is in the roomas well.
She has no idea who we are, butmy wife is explaining to her
what I did to her that morningand I'm like shut the fuck up.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Shut the fuck up my god, just oh, yeah.
And of course after that I'mgoing to lick the tip, naturally
.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
So yeah, how long was she talking about this, at
least.
Speaker 1 (35:39):
And how many people were in there.
I was in there, the nurse wasin there and her friend Dawn was
in there.
All three, and then my wife,obviously.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Was the nurse dying?
Oh yeah, well she was trying to, not because.
So what time was she tellingthis Like?
Speaker 1 (35:52):
nine.
Well, I think the surgery waslike eight or nine, and so this
is probably noon one o'clockwhen she's done all the surgery
and she's waking up.
And yeah, she's telling, andI'm honestly I don't know if
we're the only ones that heardit, because the door to her.
Speaker 3 (36:11):
Little room is open.
Speaker 1 (36:12):
Right, so anybody that's out in the door to her
little room is open, right?
So anybody that's out in thenurse's station or whatever,
yeah, anybody that's out in thenurse's station can hear what
she's saying.
Oh my god, so I'm like.
Oh my god, yeah, so needless tosay, I'll know that next time I
(36:34):
gotta put like a ball gag onher or something when she comes
out of surgery so she doesn't.
Speaker 3 (36:41):
She'll still think it's like a nose.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Yeah.
Oh my God, yeah.
So everybody in that room knewall about our sex life that
morning.
Oh my God, yeah, yeah, it was agood 10 minutes that she was
telling this story sex life thatmorning.
Oh my God, yeah, yeah, it was.
It was a good 10 minutes thatshe was telling this story,
telling everything that happened, like you know, detail.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Yeah, that was and you're trying to make her stop.
Speaker 1 (37:05):
Yeah, I'm like shut the fuck up.
Yeah, cause I don't know thisnurse, you know, I mean, and her
friend she's, I mean we'redoing it while she's upstairs
and she knows this now, yeah, so.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
She's cool with it, isn't she?
Speaker 1 (37:21):
She doesn't care, she don't care, she don't care,
she's just laughing her ass off.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
So yeah, the best part about that story is that
she wanted all sorts ofcraziness, like before yeah it
went down like right yeah that'scool.
Speaker 1 (37:36):
Oh yeah, it was cool until she started telling
everybody about it you know it'scalled cup phones.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
You want a cup phone?
I gotta tell you a story.
My husband this morning, how,like, how, how vivid of detail,
like, like, was it like?
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Vivid yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:53):
Like were people laughing or embarrassed.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
I think that the nurse was embarrassed for me,
you know it was.
Yeah, her friend was like Ithink her friend doesn't care,
she was all she was.
You know she was laughing andenjoying it, you know.
But yeah, are you going to do adifferent top five?
Speaker 2 (38:13):
I got one done.
I'm going to do another one.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
All right, I'm probably only going to do one.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
I'll only do one then too.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
Yeah, so my top five was worst places to get caught
having sex.
Yep, yeah, that's what it was.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
And mine is top five worst places to be drunk.
I'm just trying to think oflike when it's like
inappropriate right, like thisisn't going to be, like at a
yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
I was thinking like places that you know, like you
would not want to be drunk atall, like this is the worst
place for you not to be likeinappropriate, but like the last
place that you wouldn't want tobe drunk Ohio.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
I hate Ohio.
I fucking hate it.
Well, if you're listening,you're fine, you're cool, right?
If you're from Ohio, we're coolIf you're.
If you're listening, you'refine.
Speaker 3 (39:12):
You're cool If you're from Ohio.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
If you're an Ohio State fan, you know, yeah,
that's a little bit far Not agood look.
I don't even say that in myhouse.
Speaker 3 (39:23):
It's not a.
Thing.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
It's not a thing.
I taught my daughter at onewhen anyone says that to go, no,
no, no, no, no, and I have avideo of it I got proof of this.
And it happened at a grocerystore Two guys talking about the
game.
Yeah, she walked right up tohim like in my cart.
She was like one and a half.
Speaker 3 (39:40):
I was like no no, no.
And the guy's like what.
Speaker 2 (39:43):
And I said, say it again he goes Ohio State.
She goes, how'd you do this?
I was like I taught her reallyyoung.
Speaker 3 (39:51):
Yeah, you know that's awesome, does she?
Speaker 2 (39:54):
still do it.
She's older now, so she doeswhatever she wants.
Speaker 1 (39:59):
She's a preteen.
It'd be sweet if she still didit, though.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
I'll bet part of her wants to.
Speaker 3 (40:03):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
She knows better than that, oh shit.
So do you want to go first, orsecond so do you?
Speaker 1 (40:10):
want to go first or second, I'll go first.
I only have four written downright now.
Speaker 2 (40:14):
I got five.
If you want to come up with afifth, Okay, you do yours then.
Speaker 1 (40:18):
So this is top five worst places to be drunk.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
Yep, and I could definitely come up with another
one of these while you're going,if we have more time, all right
.
Top five worst places to bedrunk, number five.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
You're going to do five, four, three, two, one.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
Isn't that how we usually do it?
You do whatever the fuck wayyou want to Number five.
Mombo Sometimes Number five.
Speaker 3 (40:41):
Sometimes you get lost.
No, oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
No Number five At your mom's funeral.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
Yeah, that would be horrible.
That would be horrible.
Just hammered, yeah, like yougot.
Or what would be even worse isif you were hammered fucking
drunk and you got the call thatyour mom died oh.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Yeah, yeah, I don't even want to talk about this.
Let's go on to number four.
All right, number four.
Oh yeah, yeah, I don't want totalk about this.
We're going to number four.
All right, number four.
Apparent teacher conferencesfor your kindergarten.
(41:30):
Oh my god, yes, holy shit, kidsfive, you're just fucking shit
face how's's Demi doing?
Speaker 1 (41:33):
Good, okay, oh shit, yeah, oh my God.
Yeah, that would be awful.
I mean that would be awful ifyour kid was older as well, but
at any parent-teacher conference, I'd say up to eight.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
it's savage though.
If you come in hammered.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Yeah, yeah, that's bad, that's really bad.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
I know Number three At your granddaughter's church
for her baptism.
Speaker 3 (42:02):
Hammered, hammered.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
Granddaughter though.
So that's like multiple peopleyou're pissing off.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
Yeah, yeah, that's like generational.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
Just hammered Like dude, I wouldn't do well with
that.
Like, if I get a certain point,I'm just like moving all over
Like it's not.
You're going to know.
Speaker 3 (42:21):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
Number two During a final meeting with your parole
officer.
Speaker 3 (42:29):
You're fucked, you're fucked.
Speaker 1 (42:34):
You're fucked, oh man , yeah, that would be awful.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
And number five.
I'm sure this has happened.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
I'm going to have to Google it, but it would be even
worse, it's number one.
Speaker 2 (42:46):
Shit, I did it again.
I did five, down to five.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
I know you get fucked up, but it would be even worse
if that's why you were in jail,like you were drinking and
driving or something like that.
Speaker 2 (42:56):
And everything was fine.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
Everything's been fine.
And you show up to the last oneand you're just hammered.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
I had a buddy that had so many DUIs that he had to
blow into a breathalyzer tostart the car.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
Yeah, there's a lot of people that have that you got
to pay every time you do it.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Yeah, it's like 10 bucks a time.
Speaker 1 (43:13):
Oh really.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
Every time you breathe into it, or he has to
change it.
Speaker 1 (43:17):
They call it a blow-in A blow-in go.
Yeah, it's $10 each time youblow into it.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Or like every week, he had to change something on it
.
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
I just leave the fucking car running, run.
Speaker 2 (43:29):
I would never turn that good jacket ever like oh
shit all right number one duringyour last driver's test for
driver's ed as a kid where it'sillegal.
And then I have other ones thatI was going to throw in there.
(43:50):
Wait, go for it Like Ohio At anamusement park.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
Oh yeah.
Yeah, there's a lot of peoplethat get drunk at an amusement
park, though.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
At a wave pool.
Speaker 1 (44:02):
Oh yeah, that would suck.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
At your final divorce hearing, while giving a speech
to kids.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
Hold on so I got a joke.
So there's this guy and and hiswife and they're at a uh,
amusement park.
We'll say, and they, uh,they're together and they're
having a good time, whatever.
And the lady looks over and seesher old boyfriend okay, and
he's just fucking hammered,drunk, okay, and she's like, you
know, like she tells herhusband like, wow, yeah, look
(44:42):
what the fuck is he doing?
Like look at him, he's allfucking, he's all hammered.
He's like we were together like30 years ago and the guy looks
at her and says, yeah, and he'sstill fucking celebrating.
We were together like 30 yearsago and the guy looked at her
and he says yeah, and he's stillfucking celebrating.
Speaker 3 (44:58):
I'm still going crazy , dude.
Speaker 2 (44:59):
Oh my God, Three decades of this.
This isn't one.
Speaker 3 (45:03):
This is two.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
He's still celebrating, oh my God, I've
never remarried.
I don't even like that term inmy house, but I got all sorts of
women that come through.
Oh my God, still celebrating,still going fucking hard.
What about while giving aspeech to kids about DARE and
(45:24):
why they shouldn't do drugs?
Speaker 3 (45:27):
Oh man yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
Oh shit, wow, yeah, that would be bad.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Like other things, like job-related, like what if
you're at a conferencerepresenting your company and
you're right in the middle ofthe giant floor at McCormick
Place or something?
Like that in your company garb,and you're hammered and you're
fucking sloshed yeah, I know afew people that have done that.
Speaker 1 (45:54):
Just be hammered drunk.
You're fucking sloshed yeah, Iknow a few people that have done
that.
Just be hammered drunk Alright.
So my top five is worst placesto get caught having sex.
The frosty cup, the buttholebar Alright Number five In your
parents' bed.
Speaker 2 (46:13):
Oh, did your parents catch you.
Speaker 3 (46:16):
Yeah, oh yeah, your parents caught you.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
There's nothing you can say.
We were just doing laundry.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
I was cleaning it, I was churning.
Look at me, she was churningbutter.
Speaker 2 (46:27):
Mom, Dad, I was cleaning it and it went off.
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (46:33):
I don't know what happened.
Speaker 2 (46:38):
Okay In the confession booth at your church.
Dude, you're going to be sentstraight to penis purgatory For
sure.
Fuck, people are going to haveto donate so much to get us out.
That sounds horrible.
I'm like me and my lady and youand your lady.
That would be dare, big timeAll right.
Speaker 1 (47:02):
Number three At your work office party oh.
Speaker 2 (47:09):
And no one wants to be that guy, and everybody
already knows who that guy isgoing to be.
Speaker 3 (47:13):
Yeah, yeah, all right , number two, and no one wants
to be that guy and everybodyalready knows who that guy's
gonna be.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Yeah, yeah, all right , number two at your wife's
funeral when she just died oh mygod, it took a second for you
to get that one wow, he'salready over it.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
That's pretty cool.
That was fast.
And her murder's still an openinvestigation.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
Oh my god.
Speaker 1 (47:46):
Yeah, all right, and then number one Dude, that's
brutal.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
You look over.
It's like.
Barb was so awesome, barb wasso cool.
Where's Brad?
Speaker 3 (48:00):
Oh, yeah, you fucking like that, you fucking.
Speaker 2 (48:08):
That reminds me of Wedding Crashers, when he
started crashing funerals andhanging out with Will Ferrell.
Oh yeah, he's like all thesympathy pussy I'm getting out
here.
It's just ridiculous, oh shit.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
And number one, oh no , number one worst place to get
caught having sex Arby's At workby yourself.
Speaker 2 (48:30):
Dude just sitting there, just like oh my.
God, that would be so bad yeahall right, man, you're the only
one in the building.
Yeah, I'll do it.
Yes I'll do it hey, man, Iforgot my god.
What the because?
(48:52):
Because you would never comeback from that.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
No, you'd always be.
Yeah, you'd always be that guyoh.
Speaker 2 (48:58):
You're like, yeah, if your name was Jim, you'd be
Jack and Jim.
Jimmy Jackoff Jerk and Jim overhere, oh shit.
Speaker 1 (49:08):
Yeah, you would never , never recover from that one.
Speaker 2 (49:12):
No, oh With oh, with yourself too.
What if it was like asophisticated pocket pussy that
costs a lot of money?
Speaker 3 (49:22):
Like a $500 one.
Speaker 2 (49:25):
Yeah, like a weird hentai, Like me, so honey.
Speaker 1 (49:30):
Oh shit, yeah, that would be.
Yeah, that'd be awful.
Speaker 2 (49:33):
Whoa, I've realized that when I talk, that blue
light goes off.
That's so cool.
The blue light.
Watch the blue light.
It's science, it's science.
Speaker 1 (49:51):
Well, dude, that was kind of fun, that was fun.
Yeah, I hope people enjoy.
Well, dude, that was kind offun, that was fun.
Yeah, I hope people enjoy theshow Because I had a yeah, I
think that it was a cool showjust to come up with shit on the
fly.
Speaker 2 (50:03):
So, yeah, oh yeah.
That's the best part, that'sthe shock factor of it.
Speaker 3 (50:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (50:08):
Top five reasons you're not getting laid tonight.
That would have been great thatwas way.
Speaker 1 (50:13):
Other top five what was the other ones that you had?
Top five worst things you couldsay where someone tells you
they are pregnant, oh, whensomeone tells you they were
pregnant, that would have beenbad.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
Do you know who the dad is?
Speaker 1 (50:31):
How many guys could it be?
Okay, that's the one I did.
What's this one?
Speaker 2 (50:37):
You can get pregnant from blowjobs.
Speaker 1 (50:40):
You can't get pregnant if you get fucked in
the butt?
We learned that Worst thingsyou could whisper in your
partner's ear during foreplay.
That would kill all progress.
Speaker 3 (50:53):
I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car
insurance to Geico you ever haverodeo sex.
Speaker 1 (51:01):
Or just like, hey, honey, honey, look at me you
think the sprinklers are on.
Speaker 2 (51:09):
You ever have rodeo sex.
Speaker 1 (51:10):
What's rodeo sex?
It's where you're on top of herand you yell her sister's name
and you try to stay on for eightseconds.
Speaker 2 (51:23):
Hey girl, you want a 68?
I'm hanging on.
What's 68?
You go down on me and I'll oweyou one.
No shit, oh man, I love theshock value of this.
Like it's just, it's pure, it'sgreat.
That's what it always gets megoing.
Speaker 3 (51:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (51:46):
Dude.
What's cool is we can use thosein other episodes that didn't
get picked Like the ones that wedid in the top fives.
Speaker 1 (51:52):
Perfect, yeah, yeah, we definitely can.
Speaker 2 (51:56):
Top five reasons you're so drunk that you have
T-Rex arms on a couch.
Yeah, I was wrecked, dude.
I was raving all night withConsuelo Consuelo Dude.
That must have been fun, it was.
Speaker 1 (52:12):
For a little while.
You probably drink a lot.
I yeah, I mean, I had otherdrinks other than just the shots
.
So how old were you?
I was like 30.
Oh, okay, Something, yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:29):
You covered that, I'm just you know.
Yeah, you covered that, I'mjust you know?
Speaker 1 (52:36):
Yeah, it was only 10 to 12 years ago.
12 years ago something likethat.
Speaker 2 (52:41):
I remember 12 years ago, tuesday, exactly today,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (52:45):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
Was it sunny?
No.
Speaker 3 (52:51):
It rained.
Speaker 2 (52:51):
Was there morning dew .
Speaker 1 (52:54):
Yes, dude, those people that can do that, though,
those people are freaky.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
They can remember exactly what happened, Like the
matching game with them.
Like you know, it's fuck you.
You already know.
Speaker 3 (53:05):
Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (53:07):
That's what makes it fun, yeah.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
You do know, fuck you .
Speaker 1 (53:10):
Yeah, yeah, they can remember exactly what time it
was when this happened.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
No, you shit your pants at 944.
I was there, I cleaned it at 9.
Speaker 1 (53:20):
Yeah, I hope I didn't go to school with that person.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
I cleaned it at 952.
I was there.
Speaker 3 (53:26):
And you got picked up by 1014.
I was there.
Speaker 2 (53:35):
Oh man, I wish I could do that.
Speaker 1 (53:37):
That would be freaky.
I mean, I'd be awesome If youcould, if you remember shit like
that, but yeah, Someday I'mgonna think really hard about it
, you know.
Speaker 3 (53:50):
Okay, let me know how that goes If we.
Speaker 2 (53:52):
Anything's possible.
Speaker 1 (53:54):
Right, probably not.
That, though there's no way.
Yeah Well, I think that's itfor the show.
Speaker 3 (54:03):
Hell yeah, that's it, hell yeah.
Speaker 2 (54:08):
Oh my gosh, if you ever want to get in touch with
the show.
Speaker 3 (54:11):
Yeah, in the touch you want to get felt up.
Speaker 2 (54:14):
Where did the show touch you?
Right here, right here.
Speaker 3 (54:18):
And especially down here.
Am I naughty, you're naughty,you're naughty.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
And this is what he said he'd do if I ever told him
oh dude.
Speaker 3 (54:31):
That reminds me.
Speaker 1 (54:37):
So I just watched Tommy boy the other night.
Speaker 2 (54:38):
You gotta tell people about the fucking the car.
The car part like the brake padno, you're, you're uh before
your interview well, oh dudeisn't tommy boy great that's
awesome do I tell it?
yeah, so uh about a month and ahalf ago that's the worst part I
(55:00):
was interviewing for a job, soI stopped at a truck stop that's
in between where I was workingand where I was going and uh, I
have two suit coats that arepretty much identical.
One is a large, one's a doublexl like pretty much identical.
One is a large, one's a doubleXL Like pretty much like.
It's.
One fits real good, one doesn't.
Yeah Well, I get in thebathroom of this truck stop and
(55:21):
it's empty.
I mean, there's probably likefive, six stalls and, like I
don't know, a bunch of urinals.
Speaker 3 (55:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (55:27):
And I don't hear anything like for like for a
good three minutes.
I just changed right there,dude.
I didn't even go in thebathroom.
Why, weird what confidence I'mjust going to whip my shit out
right here.
Speaker 3 (55:39):
I didn't see anybody, right, right.
Speaker 2 (55:41):
So I put the wrong coat on and I realized I grabbed
the wrong coat.
So it's a small coat and I'm abig guy.
Speaker 3 (55:47):
I'm 6'3".
Speaker 2 (55:49):
You know, definitely not super skinny, but definitely
I don't know.
I'm an.
I'm an in-betweener right and,uh, I grabbed the wrong coat so
I'm in this bathroom not givinga fuck and I'm just start
singing.
I'm just like fat guy in alittle coat.
Fat guy in a little coat, likejust letting it have it, dude,
(56:12):
because I'm out of my job andI'm like fuck this, I don't give
a shit.
Speaker 3 (56:15):
I'm going to wear it.
Speaker 2 (56:17):
And all of a sudden I hear a flush.
I'm like, fuck dude, are youkidding me?
Middle Eastern guy gets out andhe looks at me.
I'm like, did you hear that?
And he's like yes, yes, I didit.
Yes, I did.
It's from Tommy Boy, right?
He was like yeah, he's like fatguy.
He starts laughing, singingverbatim when I was singing dude
(56:37):
, it was so awkward, but he wasawesome.
Big props to that guy if youever listened to this but, yeah,
that was so fucking good.
We were both laughing.
I went in there alone.
We walked out like a team, fistbumping like you know, and the
last thing he said to me waslike you should try American
Idol.
Speaker 3 (56:55):
And I was like are you?
No?
Speaker 2 (56:57):
No, he was just fucking being goofy.
That's awesome, dude.
Yeah, it was an awkwardsituation that turned out great.
Speaker 1 (57:06):
Yeah, I can just imagine you fucking doing that
now.
Speaker 2 (57:10):
Yeah, totally sober, it's like 2 o'clock.
I didn't you fucking doing thatnow.
Yeah, totally sober, it's like2 o'clock, didn't even hit my
pen.
Speaker 1 (57:15):
Oh shit.
Well, if anybody wants to get ahold of the show, how do they
do that?
Speaker 2 (57:20):
Eric.
Oh, I'm so glad you asked, Brad.
I've been waiting all night.
You can reach us atrowdandloudy at gmailcom.
Speak (57:35):
R-o-w-d-a-n-d-l-o-u-d-e-y at gmailcom and you just gotta
say something you know doesn'tmatter.
Leave us a comment or topicidea.
That'd be cool or you can justlisten to the show and just have
a good time.
Yeah, we appreciate you guyslistening.
It's been a blast tonight, beena blast every Been a blast,
dude 10.
Every other episode, episode 10.
(57:56):
We're like a tenth of the wayto 100.
Speaker 2 (58:00):
Whoa Wait if my numbers are right.
Speaker 3 (58:03):
That's like a tenth right, all right everybody.
I'm a hundy 47.
Speaker 2 (58:12):
That'd be great.
No, dickon, it's 10.
We just said it.
No, no, everybody, I'm a hundy47.
That'd be great.
No, dickon, it's 10.
We just said it.
No, no, no, you got to carrythe two of them here's how I
came up with the numbers.
Speaker 1 (58:20):
You got to math it, right.
Speaker 2 (58:22):
I got to math good and math strong Boy.
Yeah, thank you guys.
So much for listening.
We're sorry that we always getoff topic, but if you want to
listen to previous ones, theyare hilarious.
Oh yeah, bad sound qualitystarts in episode five, but
they're still awesome episodes.
They're probably some of ourbest.
Speaker 1 (58:38):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (58:40):
You're welcome.
Speaker 1 (58:41):
Yeah, they're awesome .
I'd still, every once in awhile, listen to the old ones
and laugh my ass off.
Speaker 2 (58:46):
They're the top five gifts to not buy your wife.
Yeah, those were brutal.
Speaker 3 (58:56):
Yeah, those were brutal.
Yeah, those were bad.
Speaker 2 (58:57):
A dildo there's no, oh, it's a dildo.
You got me a dildo forchristmas, all right all right
everybody have a good night.
Speaker 1 (59:05):
We'll catch you on the next episode, boom peace
isn't that when it starts?
Speaker 3 (59:14):
The music.
Thing.
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.