Sacrilegious Discourse - Bible Study for Atheists

In this episode, the Maccabees aren’t the only drama queens — King Antiochus IV basically has a full-on meltdown because he didn’t get to steal enough gold, then decides he’s dying of feelings instead of, you know, old age. The hosts walk through 1 Maccabees 6, dragging the idea that this genocidal tyrant suddenly grew a conscience about Jerusalem while he’s still out looting temples and throwing imperial tantrums. We also get into...

Judas Maccabeus is back, and this time he’s on full genocidal tour mode. In 1 Maccabees 5, our hosts walk through a chapter that reads less like “faith heroism” and more like “war crime highlight reel” — burning people alive in towers, slaughtering “all the males,” torching temples, and then calling it holy victory. They dig into how the text frames this as righteous defense while clearly crossing the line into mass murder, drawing...

In this chaotic tour through 1 Kings and 2 Kings, your favorite godless duo wraps up the Deuteronomistic history by time-lining Israel’s slow-motion trainwreck into exile. We’re talking Solomon’s “wisest man alive” era that still somehow ends in idolatry, dick-led decision-making, and a kingdom split because his son Rehoboam is a petty little tyrant. From Jerusalem to Samaria, golden calves to pop-up worship centers, they drag ever...

Judas Maccabeus is back on his murder tour, and 1 Maccabees 4 turns him into the ancient Near Eastern John Wick with a Bible plug. The hosts walk through Judas outsmarting “Gorgeous” Gorgias and his chosen cavalry (which obviously implies there’s a sad pile of very unchosen horse guys somewhere), dunk on the propaganda-level casualty reports, and side-eye a story where thousands of enemies die and somehow not a single Israelite stu...

In this episode, the heathen duo dive into 1 Maccabees 3, where Judas Maccabeus rolls up in his giant breastplate, steals a fancy sword, and proceeds to “defend God’s law” by killing a lot of people—aka, the Bible’s favorite hobby. They recap how Antiochus IV Epiphanes tried to erase Jewish identity, desecrate the temple, and outlaw all the “penis-chopping things” (circumcision), then follow the narrative as Judas is framed as a he...

In this episode, the hosts dive into 1 Maccabees 2, where we finally meet Matthias and his five sons— including the soon-to-be-brand-name rebel, Judas Maccabeus. Antiochus Epiphanes is still out here doing fascism with extra steps, trying to scrub out Jewish identity and force Greek culture down everyone’s throat. Matthias responds by going full zealot: he refuses the king’s offer of wealth and status, then immediately murders a fe...

Forget cozy Sunday school—this episode yanks you straight into the Deuteronomistic history, where obedience allegedly brings “blessing” and disobedience gets you earthquakes, exile, and the occasional mass slaughter… all lovingly curated by Yahweh’s PR team. The hosts trace the arc from Deuteronomy through Joshua, Judges, and 1–2 Samuel, showing how Israel’s “history” is really a theologically rigged scorecard: obey and prosper, sc...

In this episode, we crack open First Maccabees, Chapter 1 and immediately get dropped into the chaos left behind by Alexander the Great and his idiot successor fanboys. The hosts walk through how Alexander’s fractured empire births Antiochus Epiphanes, a power-drunk tyrant with elephants, daddy issues, and a raging hate boner for the Jews. We watch him steamroll Egypt, swagger into Jerusalem, loot the Temple like a divine Dollar Tr...

Forget talking snakes and magical arks—First Maccabees is an actual history book, and the hosts are weirdly excited about that. In this episode, they crack open the world between the Old and New Testaments: Greek rule over Judea, Antiochus IV Epiphanes nicknaming himself “God made visible,” bans on circumcision, Torah, and Sabbath, and the brutal attempt to erase Jewish identity. Out of that mess comes a priestly family—the Hasmone...

The Pentadouche has left the building. In this episode, Husband and Wife finally wrap up the Pentateuch recap with a snark-fueled episode of Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy—aka: laws, body fluids, desert whining, and Moses talking forever and then dying offstage. They walk through the supposed timelines, from a one-month law-dump at Sinai to 40 years of sand-filled tantrums, to Moses’ final “please don’t screw this up” speeches...

Moses gets a glow-up, Pharaoh gets the ick, and we get pedantic about timelines. In this one, we blitz from the patriarchs (Abraham → Isaac → Jacob → Joseph) to the start of Exodus—with a detour through Job (aka “God took a dare and your kids paid for it”) and two juicy side texts: Testaments of the Twelve Patriarchs and the Book of Jubilees. We drag the “430 vs. 400 years in Egypt” math fight, list out the Ten Plagues (gnats that ...

We zoom straight into the messy middle: the hosts map the Old Testament’s timeline, drag the canon-adjacent weirdness, and keep asking the only sane question—why do Christians never study the parts that break their doctrine? Cue First Enoch: angels sneak down for some pre-Flood “romance,” producing the giant Nephilim—yes, really—and setting the stage before Noah ever builds a boat. From there, Second Enoch one-ups the cosmic fanfic...

We’re pre-gaming Enoch—the apocryphal fever dream Christians can’t stop half-quoting when angels get horny and giants show up. Consider this your atheist field guide to the Watchers, their disastrous “heavenly HR violations,” and how this book helped turbocharge demon lore, apocalyptic fanfic, and every YouTuber who thinks fallen angels invented metallurgy just to ruin your day.

We also get into why Enoch didn’t make the Protest...

Adam’s on his deathbed, Seth’s asking angels for a dab of “oil of mercy,” and somehow we end up with a medieval fan-theory where a magic tree grows out of Adam’s grave and later becomes the Cross. Yes, really. In this irreverent romp through the final chapters of the Life of Adam and Eve (aka Vita Adae et Evae / Apocalypse of Moses), we pick apart apocryphal add-ons that try way too hard to stitch Genesis to Golgotha—complete with ...

Adam is 930, everything hurts, and Seth wants a definition of “pain.” (Spoiler: nobody has one.) While the angels step out for a worship break, the Adversary clocks in and Eve gets blamed for…well, everything, again. The hosts roast the logic of angelic babysitters who take a coffee break right when the talking snake shows up, and we head down a rabbit hole of “divine consequences” that read more like management malpractice than co...

We pick up where things got gloriously unhinged: Eve gives birth and the kid stands up and sprints off like the Gingerbread Man. Yes, still canon in this wild text. From there, the hosts unpack why the scene mentions “twelve angels and two virtues” (no, not moral traits—an angelic rank), then riff on hierarchy, bowing, and celestial office politics. It’s irreverent, nerdy, and exactly the kind of Pseudepigrapha detour we live for.

Vita Adae et Evae

We crack open the Latin version of Vita Adae et Evae (aka The Life of Adam and Eve)—a pseudepigrapha text pinned to Moses long after the fact—and immediately trip over multiple editions, from Greek to Armenian, because of course the Bible multiverse needed DLC. We’re reading the English translation of the Latin because it’s the most readable for non-scholars who still want the tea without the footnote hangover.

Your favorite godless duo kicks off a new arc by shoving Genesis back under the microscope—then gleefully coloring outside the canonical lines. We define Apocrypha (the “hidden/secret” stuff) and Pseudepigrapha (the “falsely attributed” stuff) before diving into why so much juicy lore lives outside the official cut. Think origin-story patch notes: second-Temple authors, bonus angels, Satan cameos, and the ultimate “deleted scenes” ...

This week we ditch the Apocrypha to confront the political cyclone around Charlie Kirk’s killing—and the even uglier spin machine that followed. The episode opens with a scorching montage of right-wing grievance and Bible-thumping clobber verses (yes, the “abomination” greatest hits), setting the stage for how faith is weaponized to police gender, empathy, and civil rights. The hosts are crystal clear: murder is not okay, full stop...