February 18, 2025 • 33 mins
This is a special throw back episode where host Lesa Koski first meets JJ Flizanes. JJ is a personal trainer, educator, and podcaster, about emotional wellness and empowerment during the difficult times. They discuss JJ’s journey into podcasting, her work on understanding emotions, astrology, and the law of attraction, and how she started her podcast to save her marriage. JJ shares insights on the interconnectedness of mind, body, and soul, emphasizing the importance of taking responsibility for one's life and choices. She introduces a three-step process for effective communication and the importance of self-reflection and healing past wounds to avoid repeating mistakes in future relationships. The discussion also covers the significance of self-love and understanding core wounds, offering practical advice for navigating through divorce consciously and positively.
00:00 Introduction and Welcome
01:02 Guest Introduction: JJ
01:57 JJ's Journey: From Performer to Podcaster
02:57 The Power of Beliefs and Law of Attraction
04:05 Empowerment and Personal Growth
08:23 Effective Communication and Emotional Awareness
16:37 Self-Love and Healing Core Wounds
23:09 JJ's Personal Divorce Experience
28:33 Final Thoughts and Takeaways
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 4 (00:01):
Welcome to Saddle Up Live.
This is an extremely fun podcastepisode to me, and it was really
fun for me to dig it out because youknow how much I love JJ Flazain and
she is, I'm an affiliate of hers.
I, I so strongly recommend her coursesand she's been a guest on Saddle Up Live.
(00:26):
This.
This is an interesting episode.
This podcast, this podcast hasn'tbeen going that long, but the doing
divorce different podcast has beenairing for, I think over four years or.
Yeah, I think, oh, ormaybe almost four years.
Sorry.
I can't remember for sure, but thisis one of my early episodes and it's
(00:46):
when I first meet JJ and you cantell I'm nervous because she is a big
deal, but I love her and her message.
And I wanted to share this with you too.
So welcome and enjoy this show.
Speaker (01:01):
You're featured in shape and fitness and women's health.
You've been on nbc cbs and fox And um,and that's why I think you're a little
familiar to me because you're in thatworld that I watch a lot But I think
that our well being is so tied to ourhealth, our emotions, our wellness.
(01:23):
And so that's why I want to bring you into teach, you know, teach my listeners
how going through this process, theycan still Be in power and not unafraid.
And so I first want to get a littlebit of a story about how you got into
(01:44):
doing what you're doing, because,you know, you have an interesting
background and you do a lot of things.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I do.
And you told me that thisshow is only 20 or 30 minutes.
So let me, um, cause thatthat story could be 20 or 30
Speaker 3 (01:58):
minutes.
Uh, okay.
Highlights, uh, actress, singer,dancer, turned personal trainer,
performer, educator, teacher, turnedpodcaster, always wanted to, I've been
interested in emotions and astrologyand psychology and law of attraction.
And it just, Sort of just keptsnowballing into deeper questions
(02:20):
and expansive points of view.
And I myself actually started mypodcast, uh, to save my marriage.
So I know that I did fit to love.
So I don't know if theone that's right up here.
So fit to love was, uh, my originalshow and it was an outlet that
I needed to teach and to putout into the world that which.
(02:43):
I was learning and wanted to share.
And at the same time,I was also a trainer.
I was teaching people how toeat paleo gluten free, dairy
free keto, easy cooking.
I was doing cooking shows andpersonal training, fitness
shows, and also dealing with.
You know, all the aspects of a person.
That's why my, the mind body soulbehind me is like, you can't, you
(03:03):
can't compartmentalize one part of yourlife and think it doesn't influence
or bleed over into another, how youdo one thing is how you do everything.
The belief system that runs youinfluences every choice you make.
And what people don't realize a lot oftimes is you can choose your beliefs.
And if you haven't chosen yourbeliefs, they've chosen you by default.
So you're operating from a system thatyou haven't even evaluated to see if it
(03:26):
fits your life and where you want to go.
And so that's how I started my podcast.
And then it just turned into,just kept snowballing from there.
And I got more and more into, let'ssay, just the law of attraction.
epigenetics, quantum physics, becauseto me, that's the top of everything.
Like all medical, all chemistry, allbiology is influenced by those things.
(03:50):
And so we can't, again, we can't separatethem because they, it's, It's like you
take it out of out of that world, andyou're looking at it independently,
but you don't realize that the majorinfluences are your beliefs, how you see
the world, what it is you're looking atthe picture that you have in your mind.
And and so with that, I'vemoved into business coaching,
(04:12):
which is mind, body and soul.
I've got a mastermind.
I have my own trainers that I'mtraining the empowerment strategist
certification to help me serve theworld with the tools that I use with
my clients, while I can't make the minime's I can try and I can give them the
tools because I'm working with a lot ofcancer patients now that work with Dr.
Nisha Winters and and just anyone whorecognizes that there's something missing
(04:35):
that I don't feel I don't feel secure andsolid in in what's going on with me Like
I feel like there's something more andas someone who's been through a divorce
who worked Tirelessly, and probably didevery tool I had at the time and more.
I mean, I've learned some new things sincestarting my show that I didn't use, but
I, I exhausted all kinds of differenttherapeutic tools for myself to change.
(05:00):
The only thing I havecontrol over, which is me
Speaker 2 (05:03):
and
Speaker 3 (05:03):
brought that to my marriage.
Now, there was nothing wrongwith what had happened.
It was perfect.
The way that it went from, youknow, choosing it to ending
it to everything in between.
Was divine timing to get me hereso I wouldn't change a thing
Speaker 2 (05:16):
and I think
Speaker 3 (05:16):
that that's something that people are that are going through a
divorce when we get into the blame gameand I heard I know you're a mediator
and you didn't and that that topic isso you know one of the things that I
focused on this entire time and always.
Do is taking your power backinstantaneously by not being a victim
by trying to see things from a differentperspective that life is always working
(05:37):
out for you and that the choices andbeliefs that you have made up until
now are serving you and it and it isn'tto be blamed because when we get into
that disempowering, it's your fault.
You betrayed me.
You did this.
You did that.
There's no winning that conversation ever.
It will always feel bad.
It will never feel good.
You're never going to feelempowered being a victim.
(05:57):
Yum.
So I go to the extreme other side andsay, take responsibility for everything
because from that vantage point, there'ssomething for you to do about it or
something for you to learn about itor some way for you to grow with it.
But if we go to the other side of
Speaker (06:14):
blame, there's no way out of that.
And you know, JJ, you're, whatyou're saying hits home because
so many of my clients or peoplethat I know who maybe entered into
the divorce and didn't want it.
When they get to the other side, they'reso thankful they went through it.
Doesn't make it easier at the time,but for people to know that it is for
(06:39):
them and that they're not a victim,I love that and I did just listen.
I think you just did a workshop andthere were people talking about and I
thought, Oh, she doesn't sugarcoat things.
And you know, sometimes when I talkto my clients, it can be hard to hear.
You know, it can be hard when you'refeeling sad to hear, like when my
husband tells me not to be a victim,sometimes I feel like I want to punch
(07:02):
him in the face, you know, because that'shard to hear, but it's so, so true.
And you know, I just have to tell you,so I kind of stalk people, you know,
when I know they're going to be on and Iwas driving and I wrote something down.
And I just want you to talk about it alittle bit because I also have a coach
and she has said this, but for some reasonwhen I listened, it resonated with me,
(07:27):
um, so well, and it was, you said youwere talking about feelings and how you
have to feel it before you get there.
And you said the only reason you wantanything is because you think it'll
make you feel better and you cannotget it until you feel the feeling.
So you can't really get there untilyou feel feel the feeling that you're
(07:49):
looking for and then when you do.
You don't need it.
Ah, I don't know.
That was like, um, I felt like I gotstruck by lightning and my coach was like,
I've told you that a million times, butso true, and I think it's kind of tied
in with changing your thoughts or yourbeliefs as you referred to it, so can you.
(08:13):
Give my listeners.
I mean, I think especially for the peoplewho maybe don't want this some people are
ready for the divorce and they want tomove forward and that's a little different
than if you Don't feel ready for it.
And the other person is youhave some advice on how they can
Yeah, I taught a little
Speaker 3 (08:35):
mini course, if you will, it was a three step process that I
taught at my workshop this past weekend.
It's on one of my shows, it'son fit to love episode 118,
like way back in the beginning.
I'm getting ready to do my 600episode in a couple of weeks.
So way in the beginning, 100,um, episode 118, three steps
to effective communication.
(08:56):
And I'll give you the linkto download these sheets.
It's Jadafulzaines.
com forward slash feelings list.
So plural feelings list.
Speaker (09:05):
And we have in the show notes, so.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Yeah, you can download the needs and feelings list and the
vibrational scale to show you sortof where you are and where you want
to go and what little changes youcan make just to feel a little bit
better and get a little bit of relief.
But whether you're going through adivorce process or not, and honestly,
I've had people who come to me andtheir marriage is about ready to
crack open and they're still together.
Because it's the idea that, so I'm notsaying, you know, I don't know how far
(09:30):
in the divorce process everybody is who'slistening to your show, but if they're
just beginning and they don't want it, uh,this, Work could help you either not need
it or feel better during it, and realizewhy you're there in the first place.
Because you can't change the otherperson, but you can change you.
And when you change your energy, changeinfluences others around you and how they
react to you because you are different.
(09:51):
And I've done this over and over again,both in my marriage as well as in my life.
So, uh, so the three step process.
Is to, first of all, most people aren'treally aware of their feelings and the
reason why that probably struck youis because we have a lot of words, we
have a lot of ideas and beliefs andtools and programs to like get things.
(10:11):
We're like, Oh, you want more money?
Oh, you want a relationship?
Oh, you want a divorce?
Oh, you want to whatever,whatever it is that you want.
And the bottom line is, this iswhy I, you know, I'm, I've been
harping on this for 20 years.
Uh, is the only, the onlything that matters literally.
It's how you feel.
That's the only reasonwhy you're doing anything.
It's like to feel better.
Period.
End of story.
Like anything that youwant, like evaluate that.
(10:32):
Oh, I want to have a retirement plan.
Why?
So I can feel security.
So I can feel safe.
Okay.
I want a relationship.
Why?
So I can feel love and support.
Okay.
I want to lose weight.
Why?
So when I look in the mirror, I likemyself and I feel better about myself.
Like every single freaking thingin your life is about how you feel.
Period.
So, so with that in mind, Startingwith being aware of what your feelings
(10:54):
are is really important, and mostpeople don't have a language for that.
So, uh, on the feelings list, there area hundred different feelings words, so
you can start with that and say, well,how, because each different feeling
has a different vibration and frequencyto it, like a little different tone.
I talk a lot about gratitudeappreciation, rampage appreciation,
which is the law of attraction.
And I'm, and I get a little,and again, it's my thing, but
(11:17):
you know, words have energy.
It's not really about the word.
It's about the energyattached to the word.
And when you saw, when a lotof people say gratitude, cause
that's a huge hot word, right?
Gratitude.
What's attached to gratitude alot of times is the backstory.
So on that word, people say, I'mgrateful for this new thing that I
have because before it was really bad.
(11:38):
And so what happens is you're attachingthe negative energy to this word.
So the word a little heavy versusappreciation, which is normally cleaner.
I appreciate it's like end of story.
I appreciate we'rehaving this conversation.
I appreciate that it rainedhere in Ohio the other day.
I appreciate my newjewelry that I have on.
I appreciate, right.
There's no backstory andtherefore it's slightly cleaner
(12:00):
and therefore more powerful.
So when you look at all theneeds and feelings and all the
feeling words, uh, each feeling.
Has a little bit of a different, um,tone to it, if you will, you know,
rage is different than irritated.
Right.
And so to really clue into whereare you emotionally, so step one
would be to figure out how you feel.
Speaker (12:20):
And you know what, I, I have to say another thing, another reason
I think that list is so important,because often when I ask myself or
someone else, how are you feeling?
They reply with a thought.
You know, we don't evenknow how to talk about it.
So if you have this list to look at, Oh,you know, you can kind of start to think,
(12:40):
and I think that will make you more aware.
So thank you.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Right.
We often, you're right.
We often talk in like,I, I think, or I believe.
Or I feel like, and then we tell astory, but those aren't feeling words.
Like, so that doesn't, wegot to get to the bottom of,
well, what's underneath that.
I had a therapist client once and shejust would go on and on and on and on
and on and on about like the story.
And I stopped her after a year and I said,there's a lot of words for you're afraid.
(13:07):
Right.
Doesn't matter why.
Doesn't matter how we got here.
You are afraid.
You currently have fear.
So let's just be there.
We don't need all the words.
We don't need the story.
And trust me, I like words.
But there's, there's, we're addictedto our stories keeping us stuck
and we have to get beneath it.
What's it really about for you?
And sometimes that exercise just figuringout the feelings is enough for people.
(13:29):
However, it's not enough.
Once you figure out the feeling, youhave to know that the only reason why you
have a negative feeling is because youeither have a need That's not being met
or the perception of a need not being met.
So so step two would be to figureout Okay, I have my feeling
i'm feeling whatever Okay,we'll take me as an example.
(13:49):
I'm I was feeling uh angry andsad and frustrated All right.
So what was the need?
That was creating this feeling thatperception of the need not being
met Uh, and i'm gonna say top level,because this, this worksheet, you
take a little bit of time with it.
Respect,
(14:11):
commitment, uh, my need for commitment,respect, my need for communication, my
need for trust, my need for connection.
Okay.
All those things are notbeing met now in my mind.
And most people aregoing to start this way.
You can't help it.
You're going to blame somebody else.
What you have in your mind is thatthat person didn't give me this.
(14:34):
Okay.
But here's the, here's the thingwe can't, our needs are our needs,
regardless of who we're talkingabout or whatever the situation is.
The person in question is justa mirror to reflect back at you,
what you are not giving you.
Right?
So, so through step three,so what's the feeling, what's
the need that's not being met.
Step three, what are the strategiesI can take to get the need met?
(14:57):
And this is the important part that donot require anybody else to be different.
Love this.
So in my example, I'm, I was feelingdisrespected or lack of respect,
disconnection, uh, trust, communication.
Okay.
All those things.
And in my mind, I'm blaming other people.
(15:17):
But I know this is a mirror.
So you just turn that mirror aroundand say, well, how am I Disrespecting
myself or not respecting myself becauseby the way disrespect is not a feeling
it's an interpretation but respectSo a need for respect is a thing.
I have a need for respect and it lookslike this to me for these reasons Okay.
Well, what's the bottom line?
Well, then you're not respecting youbecause if I'm the point of attraction
(15:38):
and I'm pulling these people in andthey're responding to me Then I have
to start with what I'm not doingfor me And what does that look like?
And once I figured that out, oh, I hadan action plan of what to do about it.
So I think that, and again, it's awhole new way of looking at things
because you want to say, well, hedidn't do, or she didn't do, or
they didn't do, and say, well, ifthey'd just change, I'd feel better.
(16:00):
But it's not that.
They're just a mirror reflecting back atyou things that you are trying to get from
others that you have to get for yourself.
Right,
Speaker (16:09):
right.
And if people can learn this,While they're going through a
divorce, just think about it.
Of the future opportunities theyare going to have because they
are going to feel respected.
They respect themselves.
And then they're going to meet someonebecause they got here for a reason.
(16:29):
And let's like have them moveforward so that it can be a better,
a better relationship in the future.
I have to ask you somethingbecause I'm in awe.
Did you say you've known this for 20 yearsbecause I'm just figuring it out and I'm
getting you know, I'm a little mature
Speaker 3 (16:48):
I have So I'm gonna say I started learning a lot of this
2002 so maybe 20 years.
Yeah, it's getting there.
I mean, I wasn't always good at all ofit I had I learned it as I was going and
I I, I took responsibility as, as, aswhen it was said to me, what I heard was
(17:12):
you're the creator of your own reality.
And I was like, and all of a suddenI thought, Oh my God, it resonated.
And I went, well, the good news.
See, and over the years, I'vesaid that to people and had the
exact opposite response from them.
And I had to figure outwhy, what that was about.
And I realized it was because Idon't carry around guilt and shame
about what has happened to me.
I look, I heard that and it meant forme, if you don't like something, you 100
(17:37):
percent have the opportunity to change it.
And other people I know who carryaround a lot of guilt and shame and
feel very, very, and I'm not saying weall don't feel broken on some level.
We all have those kindsof, we absolutely do.
But when they would hear it, theywould hear, I didn't want this.
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask for all thesebad things to happen to me.
And so I started to bea little more sensitive.
(17:59):
And how I said that, um, because I justwant to make sure people understood
that when we look at why we're here, whywe're on the planet, why do we incarnate
in these bodies, why are we here inthis lifetime, like there's a bigger,
more expansive point of view here.
It's not just the bubble of what happenedtoday with this person there, you know,
and, and I tend to attract people with.
So, uh, yeah.
older interest in this morespiritual, deeper conversations,
(18:21):
sort of the older souls, if you will.
And, um, and so I've learned how to,how to like, when you said you, um,
You started like, I guess, stalk me.
I've got people who either binge listento my show or want to write me a negative
review within the first five minutes.
Because I've, becauseI've, I'm a catalyst.
So I'll say something and you know inthis forum, I don't know who's listening.
Speaker (18:44):
I don't
Speaker 3 (18:44):
know you, so if I say something that pisses you off, you
better frickin know that's within you.
It isn't my fault.
I'm just putting the mirror up and youdon't like it and you want to use me as
your punching bag to blame me for it.
Exactly.
Yes.
But it still doesn't, it still happensbecause I got a lot of fire and so
people that don't want to hear itwill just lash back and which is fine.
I don't care because it's not about meand I know that and that's what, that's
(19:05):
what the personal self growth work does.
It gets you to understand that criticismabout you is never really about you.
Okay.
Talk more a little bit more about that.
So back to like, all youwant is to feel good.
And all you're doing is lookingfor things to feel better.
We, most of us stop ourselves fromour lives and growing and expanding in
whatever ways, because we don't wantcriticism because we're looking for love.
(19:28):
We're looking for love.
And if we put it out there, you'rerunning people to like you because
you want to receive the love.
But again, we're, we'reprostituting ourselves by
saying, I don't love me enough.
Will you love me if I say or do this?
And now we've again, become the victimof the other person's reaction to
let us know if we're lovable or not.
(19:48):
And again, that's going to stopyou from growing every time as
a person in a relationship, asa business owner, as a public.
speaker as whatever it is you do in life.
And when you can really be clear andbuild that relationship with yourself,
know who you are, know what yourstrengths are, know what your weaknesses
are and embrace and love all of theminto the ugly parts you don't like and
learn how to shine some light on them.
(20:09):
Then you'll always hear someoneelse's criticism as being about you.
And it's never about you.
Speaker (20:16):
So JJ, would you say that?
I mean, I know there's a lot of reallyimportant lessons, but what I'm finding
more and more is probably the mostimportant one is to love yourself.
I mean, do you think that that is?
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Absolutely.
But most people don't know how.
Right.
So they'll say, what do you mean?
Love myself.
What does self care mean?
I did a whole show on self carebecause I'm like, well, let
me go through what it means.
Right.
Speaker (20:43):
Well, what is it on your podcast or is it, it
Speaker 3 (20:45):
is, I don't, um, I will have to find it for you.
Let me know.
And then I'll put that in.
Okay.
How do I love myself?
Might be the title.
I don't know, but I'll look for itbecause again, I on fit to love, we're
getting close to 600 episodes on spirit,purpose, energy, where the 315, so
I have to find, I have to find it.
Okay.
Bye.
Speaker (21:02):
All right.
Can you give me a little, give the lista little bit because that's going to
get them if they can love themselvesand then use those three steps that you
gave us and, you know, prepare for thatfirst mediation, I think it's going
to be the start of something amazing.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
I want to go back if I could for just a second, not,
not in this conversation, but inhow I would and how I, and how my
trainers are kind of handling, um,and how I'm handling cancer patients.
I take concepts that it might take you 10years in therapy to get to because someone
listens to all your stories and then theyhave to like gently like bring you back.
I go straight like right from the startto find out what your core wounds are.
(21:45):
Because until you know what yourcore wounds are, you will be guessing
circumstantially by every singleconversation, every single scenario.
It's like, can we just getto, can we cut to the chase?
Cause at the bottom of all of thisis a core wound or two or three that
literally has made every choice inyour life from what you do, the friends
you have, the partner you've chosenand why, because our whole entire
(22:09):
journey is about trying to get whatwe didn't get from our caregivers.
So I kind of go really straight therebecause how do I love myself is going to
be different than how you love yourself.
Right.
And how the next person lovesthemselves because we have to give to
ourselves that which we did not get.
But we need to know what it is firstin order to be able to do that.
Right.
(22:29):
And then of course there'sother levels to that.
There's love languages.
There's astrology and your energy andlike what, what is meaningful to you.
But we still have to go with,well, what is it I'm looking for?
What is it I'm searching for?
What is the hole in my boat thatI haven't been able to plug up yet
because I don't even know where it is.
And let's go there because it's the reasonwhy you got married in the first place.
It's the reason why you chose yourpartner to heal the wounds of your past.
(22:51):
And maybe you didn't succeedin that because you didn't
have the tools to do it.
Well, then let's go backwardsand start to do it now.
Better late than never becauseif you don't fix it now, your
next relationship will be anotherreflection of those wounds.
Speaker (23:05):
I love that.
And we don't want that.
We want it to be like the turningpoint, the new life, the okay.
So tell me you went through your divorce.
You said it wasn't horrible.
No, because
Speaker 3 (23:18):
it wasn't horrible.
Well, I mean, okay.
Horrible.
I did not, there were no lawyers.
There was no mediation.
There was an easy agreement.
I mean, there was a lawyer that was afriend of my exes who did the paperwork,
um, or did the agreement between us, butmy ex paid for the, you know, to file it.
Other than that, I washands off, uh, because I was
(23:40):
committed to having us fix it.
Cause to me, I got into my marriage,knowing that the real work starts once
you get married, uh, and knowing that.
These are things we're goingto have to work on, and I
don't think he understood that.
I think he thought things were justgoing to be great, his wounds would be
healed, and then we're just going tobe happy ever after, have a great time.
(24:01):
And so the work was hard, but,and here's what I tell all people.
And I'm currently my, my partner inlife, Doug, uh, he had to go through
two divorces, uh, to get here, to beso open to understand and not that
he didn't know what he didn't know.
And now he's super committed tounderstanding and he gets it,
but it took two divorces to like.
(24:23):
Literally break him open and awake.
He was unconscious now.
He's awake.
Thank God for me.
Uh, right?
I mean not for me Thank God.
I mean, thank thank God becausefor me, this is great, right?
I have a partner who's going totherapy who like we do couples things.
We've got a couple's retreats.
We have these conversationsWe do these processes.
So
(24:44):
Yeah, so in terms of, um, it wasn't easy.
I cried for months and years aftereven in my relationship with Doug
because our, our marriages sortof fell apart at the same time.
So while we were coming together, wewere also healing from what had happened,
which at the time made it seem like, isthis going to be a, is this what the,
(25:05):
rebound, is this a rebound relationship?
And it wasn't.
But it could have been looked at thatway because we were really supporting
each other through a really hardtime and I loved my husband and I
didn't want it to be another person.
I, I really applied all my law ofattraction tools to the marriage,
but the universe had other plans,uh, cause I wasn't, uh, listening
cause I, I'm a very committed personwhen I, when I figured that out.
(25:28):
So, yeah, I mean, it was, bythe end of the day, you have
to, you have to ask yourself.
I can only do so much.
There's a lot to do though.
There's a lot of people don't dohalf the things that can be doing and
that I didn't want to be that person.
I'm like, no, no, I'm going totake on the responsibility of,
of I'm going to do the thing.
I'm going to change me and I'mgoing to like learn how to look at
(25:49):
things differently and I'm going tobe more compassionate and I'm going
to see all of my wounds and I'mgoing to be better for you because.
I'll be better for me too.
And I did that and I exhausted thatto the point where I realized my
partner didn't want to do that.
He didn't want to work that hard.
And he said it multiple times.
And I wasn't listening becauseagain, I'm a committed person.
(26:10):
And I thought what youcommitted, this is a marriage.
This is like forever.
Like, why wouldn't you, if something'snot right, why wouldn't we fix it?
To me, it did not compute.
Why would we not fix something?
Not working well, but.
I had to learn the hard way that a lot ofpeople have no interest in fixing things
because they don't want to, they don'twant to feel the pains of their past.
So it wasn't, wasn't horrible.
(26:31):
There wasn't fighting.
There wasn't lawyers.
There was respect, gratitude, but therewas a lot of sadness, a lot, a lot
Speaker (26:38):
of
Speaker 3 (26:38):
sadness.
Speaker (26:39):
Yeah, and you know, I, you, I don't know that you can avoid that.
I have a lot of people that come tome who don't want to fight, um, and
that's why they're coming to me becausewe're going to work together and do it.
I have people that fight, I havepeople that don't, and I have people
who just want to get it done with.
And what they don'tget is that it is hard.
(27:03):
You know, I can't sugar coat itand say, this is going to be easy.
Let me take this awayfrom you and do it all.
And it'll be fine.
It's not, it's hard, butyou can grow through it.
And that's why you're addingvalue to my listeners right now,
because this is going to help themso that they can make the choice.
(27:26):
to put the work in to start improvingthat journey and to just heal beyond this.
And so, Oh, I'm sothankful that you're here.
And like I said, in the show notes,there's so many ways to follow you.
Um, we will have the connectors,but if you want to, you
know, let us know anything.
I know you have a blog.
(27:47):
about divorce.
That's helpful.
I have a podcast,
Speaker 3 (27:51):
but I, but on, but they have mostly the same shows.
So just any of the shows will have a lotof the same content on it at this point.
I mean, I have, I shouldn't saythat, but all the shows, okay.
Women, men in relationships.
Which usually men are attractedto because it's a black cover.
Um, I've got, um, spirit, purpose andenergy, which, yeah, which, which, uh,
(28:13):
let's see, that one is not, I did notadd that to this banner, but, um, let
me just, let me just take you around.
So we've got nutritional alternativemedicine, spirit, purpose, and energy
fit to love, um, health and wealth.
So, uh, again, but like I said, a lotof the content is going to be similar.
Um, on all the shows, so just findwhichever one you find, type in my
(28:33):
name into the podcast search andyou'll see all the content that I have.
Um, I just want to say one thing aboutthe whole idea of divorce, if that, if
I can real quick, because I think it's areally, I think it's a really important
statement to make, and I'm saying thiswith as much, um, love, I don't know you
all, but you, hopefully, again, I've beenthrough it, so it's not like I'm saying
something that I didn't experience myself,but you're going through a divorce.
(28:57):
To learn a lesson that you didn'tlearn in your marriage and you
married the person you marriedto heal the wounds of your past.
And if that didn't happen because youweren't awake to that or knew that or
had the tools for that or had somebodyready to be on board with that, you're
having another opportunity right now.
And.
And it's, it, a divorce is a call toreevaluate how, you know, where you are
(29:22):
with those wounds, because I will havepeople who will go through a divorce.
I had one, a couple of their friends andshe, she had already been divorced before.
So this would be her second divorce.
And I begged.
them.
They didn't listen, but because theyweren't, they weren't listeners to
my show or anything, but I beggedthem to go through the therapy that
I recommended or the processes Irecommended because I said, look, even
(29:42):
if you end up not going to like beingtogether on the other side of this,
you're going to repeat these lessons.
They will come in the next person.
I promise you, you cannotoutrun your need to heal this.
So a divorce isn't a mistake.
A divorce is the next evolution of yourjourney into healing your wounds, period.
(30:05):
So I don't want it to belike, there's a mistake here.
I made a mistake.
This was wrong.
This is bad.
Nope.
This is just the next call toaction for you to now click
into and be conscious to that.
There are wounds inside of youthat if you don't heal, I promise
you, you will repeat this.
In the next relationship.
Speaker (30:24):
I love that quote.
And I am going to goback and write that down.
That was amazing.
And you know, I, you have made me abetter mediator just listening to you.
So I appreciate that.
I took lots of notes.
And we'll have a lot in the show notes.
And JJ, thank you from the bottomof my heart for joining us today.
(30:46):
We really appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Lisa, thank you so much for having me.
It was a pleasure.
This just flew by.
So thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate you asking these questions.
I appreciate the opportunity to givepeople some hope and to understanding
and take some of that responsibility.
from the situation that you thinkis bad and that it's, it's a blip
of something that you've done wrong.
It's a failure.
It's really not.
(31:09):
And I dealt with that.
I didn't want to have a failure, whichis why I worked so hard, but it's,
it's part of your process and youwill heal through this if you do it
consciously and get some help with it.
Speaker (31:20):
Amen.
I love it.
Thanks so much, JJ.
Welcome to Saddle Up Live.
This is an extremely fun podcastepisode to me, and it was really
fun for me to dig it out because youknow how much I love JJ Flazain and
she is, I'm an affiliate of hers.
I, I so strongly recommend her coursesand she's been a guest on Saddle Up Live.
(00:26):
This.
This is an interesting episode.
This podcast, this podcast hasn'tbeen going that long, but the doing
divorce different podcast has beenairing for, I think over four years or.
Yeah, I think, oh, ormaybe almost four years.
Sorry.
I can't remember for sure, but thisis one of my early episodes and it's
(00:46):
when I first meet JJ and you cantell I'm nervous because she is a big
deal, but I love her and her message.
And I wanted to share this with you too.
So welcome and enjoy this show.
Speaker (01:01):
You're featured in shape and fitness and women's health.
You've been on nbc cbs and fox And um,and that's why I think you're a little
familiar to me because you're in thatworld that I watch a lot But I think
that our well being is so tied to ourhealth, our emotions, our wellness.
(01:23):
And so that's why I want to bring you into teach, you know, teach my listeners
how going through this process, theycan still Be in power and not unafraid.
And so I first want to get a littlebit of a story about how you got into
(01:44):
doing what you're doing, because,you know, you have an interesting
background and you do a lot of things.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I do.
And you told me that thisshow is only 20 or 30 minutes.
So let me, um, cause thatthat story could be 20 or 30
Speaker 3 (01:58):
minutes.
Uh, okay.
Highlights, uh, actress, singer,dancer, turned personal trainer,
performer, educator, teacher, turnedpodcaster, always wanted to, I've been
interested in emotions and astrologyand psychology and law of attraction.
And it just, Sort of just keptsnowballing into deeper questions
(02:20):
and expansive points of view.
And I myself actually started mypodcast, uh, to save my marriage.
So I know that I did fit to love.
So I don't know if theone that's right up here.
So fit to love was, uh, my originalshow and it was an outlet that
I needed to teach and to putout into the world that which.
(02:43):
I was learning and wanted to share.
And at the same time,I was also a trainer.
I was teaching people how toeat paleo gluten free, dairy
free keto, easy cooking.
I was doing cooking shows andpersonal training, fitness
shows, and also dealing with.
You know, all the aspects of a person.
That's why my, the mind body soulbehind me is like, you can't, you
(03:03):
can't compartmentalize one part of yourlife and think it doesn't influence
or bleed over into another, how youdo one thing is how you do everything.
The belief system that runs youinfluences every choice you make.
And what people don't realize a lot oftimes is you can choose your beliefs.
And if you haven't chosen yourbeliefs, they've chosen you by default.
So you're operating from a system thatyou haven't even evaluated to see if it
(03:26):
fits your life and where you want to go.
And so that's how I started my podcast.
And then it just turned into,just kept snowballing from there.
And I got more and more into, let'ssay, just the law of attraction.
epigenetics, quantum physics, becauseto me, that's the top of everything.
Like all medical, all chemistry, allbiology is influenced by those things.
(03:50):
And so we can't, again, we can't separatethem because they, it's, It's like you
take it out of out of that world, andyou're looking at it independently,
but you don't realize that the majorinfluences are your beliefs, how you see
the world, what it is you're looking atthe picture that you have in your mind.
And and so with that, I'vemoved into business coaching,
(04:12):
which is mind, body and soul.
I've got a mastermind.
I have my own trainers that I'mtraining the empowerment strategist
certification to help me serve theworld with the tools that I use with
my clients, while I can't make the minime's I can try and I can give them the
tools because I'm working with a lot ofcancer patients now that work with Dr.
Nisha Winters and and just anyone whorecognizes that there's something missing
(04:35):
that I don't feel I don't feel secure andsolid in in what's going on with me Like
I feel like there's something more andas someone who's been through a divorce
who worked Tirelessly, and probably didevery tool I had at the time and more.
I mean, I've learned some new things sincestarting my show that I didn't use, but
I, I exhausted all kinds of differenttherapeutic tools for myself to change.
(05:00):
The only thing I havecontrol over, which is me
Speaker 2 (05:03):
and
Speaker 3 (05:03):
brought that to my marriage.
Now, there was nothing wrongwith what had happened.
It was perfect.
The way that it went from, youknow, choosing it to ending
it to everything in between.
Was divine timing to get me hereso I wouldn't change a thing
Speaker 2 (05:16):
and I think
Speaker 3 (05:16):
that that's something that people are that are going through a
divorce when we get into the blame gameand I heard I know you're a mediator
and you didn't and that that topic isso you know one of the things that I
focused on this entire time and always.
Do is taking your power backinstantaneously by not being a victim
by trying to see things from a differentperspective that life is always working
(05:37):
out for you and that the choices andbeliefs that you have made up until
now are serving you and it and it isn'tto be blamed because when we get into
that disempowering, it's your fault.
You betrayed me.
You did this.
You did that.
There's no winning that conversation ever.
It will always feel bad.
It will never feel good.
You're never going to feelempowered being a victim.
(05:57):
Yum.
So I go to the extreme other side andsay, take responsibility for everything
because from that vantage point, there'ssomething for you to do about it or
something for you to learn about itor some way for you to grow with it.
But if we go to the other side of
Speaker (06:14):
blame, there's no way out of that.
And you know, JJ, you're, whatyou're saying hits home because
so many of my clients or peoplethat I know who maybe entered into
the divorce and didn't want it.
When they get to the other side, they'reso thankful they went through it.
Doesn't make it easier at the time,but for people to know that it is for
(06:39):
them and that they're not a victim,I love that and I did just listen.
I think you just did a workshop andthere were people talking about and I
thought, Oh, she doesn't sugarcoat things.
And you know, sometimes when I talkto my clients, it can be hard to hear.
You know, it can be hard when you'refeeling sad to hear, like when my
husband tells me not to be a victim,sometimes I feel like I want to punch
(07:02):
him in the face, you know, because that'shard to hear, but it's so, so true.
And you know, I just have to tell you,so I kind of stalk people, you know,
when I know they're going to be on and Iwas driving and I wrote something down.
And I just want you to talk about it alittle bit because I also have a coach
and she has said this, but for some reasonwhen I listened, it resonated with me,
(07:27):
um, so well, and it was, you said youwere talking about feelings and how you
have to feel it before you get there.
And you said the only reason you wantanything is because you think it'll
make you feel better and you cannotget it until you feel the feeling.
So you can't really get there untilyou feel feel the feeling that you're
(07:49):
looking for and then when you do.
You don't need it.
Ah, I don't know.
That was like, um, I felt like I gotstruck by lightning and my coach was like,
I've told you that a million times, butso true, and I think it's kind of tied
in with changing your thoughts or yourbeliefs as you referred to it, so can you.
(08:13):
Give my listeners.
I mean, I think especially for the peoplewho maybe don't want this some people are
ready for the divorce and they want tomove forward and that's a little different
than if you Don't feel ready for it.
And the other person is youhave some advice on how they can
Yeah, I taught a little
Speaker 3 (08:35):
mini course, if you will, it was a three step process that I
taught at my workshop this past weekend.
It's on one of my shows, it'son fit to love episode 118,
like way back in the beginning.
I'm getting ready to do my 600episode in a couple of weeks.
So way in the beginning, 100,um, episode 118, three steps
to effective communication.
(08:56):
And I'll give you the linkto download these sheets.
It's Jadafulzaines.
com forward slash feelings list.
So plural feelings list.
Speaker (09:05):
And we have in the show notes, so.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Yeah, you can download the needs and feelings list and the
vibrational scale to show you sortof where you are and where you want
to go and what little changes youcan make just to feel a little bit
better and get a little bit of relief.
But whether you're going through adivorce process or not, and honestly,
I've had people who come to me andtheir marriage is about ready to
crack open and they're still together.
Because it's the idea that, so I'm notsaying, you know, I don't know how far
(09:30):
in the divorce process everybody is who'slistening to your show, but if they're
just beginning and they don't want it, uh,this, Work could help you either not need
it or feel better during it, and realizewhy you're there in the first place.
Because you can't change the otherperson, but you can change you.
And when you change your energy, changeinfluences others around you and how they
react to you because you are different.
(09:51):
And I've done this over and over again,both in my marriage as well as in my life.
So, uh, so the three step process.
Is to, first of all, most people aren'treally aware of their feelings and the
reason why that probably struck youis because we have a lot of words, we
have a lot of ideas and beliefs andtools and programs to like get things.
(10:11):
We're like, Oh, you want more money?
Oh, you want a relationship?
Oh, you want a divorce?
Oh, you want to whatever,whatever it is that you want.
And the bottom line is, this iswhy I, you know, I'm, I've been
harping on this for 20 years.
Uh, is the only, the onlything that matters literally.
It's how you feel.
That's the only reasonwhy you're doing anything.
It's like to feel better.
Period.
End of story.
Like anything that youwant, like evaluate that.
(10:32):
Oh, I want to have a retirement plan.
Why?
So I can feel security.
So I can feel safe.
Okay.
I want a relationship.
Why?
So I can feel love and support.
Okay.
I want to lose weight.
Why?
So when I look in the mirror, I likemyself and I feel better about myself.
Like every single freaking thingin your life is about how you feel.
Period.
So, so with that in mind, Startingwith being aware of what your feelings
(10:54):
are is really important, and mostpeople don't have a language for that.
So, uh, on the feelings list, there area hundred different feelings words, so
you can start with that and say, well,how, because each different feeling
has a different vibration and frequencyto it, like a little different tone.
I talk a lot about gratitudeappreciation, rampage appreciation,
which is the law of attraction.
And I'm, and I get a little,and again, it's my thing, but
(11:17):
you know, words have energy.
It's not really about the word.
It's about the energyattached to the word.
And when you saw, when a lotof people say gratitude, cause
that's a huge hot word, right?
Gratitude.
What's attached to gratitude alot of times is the backstory.
So on that word, people say, I'mgrateful for this new thing that I
have because before it was really bad.
(11:38):
And so what happens is you're attachingthe negative energy to this word.
So the word a little heavy versusappreciation, which is normally cleaner.
I appreciate it's like end of story.
I appreciate we'rehaving this conversation.
I appreciate that it rainedhere in Ohio the other day.
I appreciate my newjewelry that I have on.
I appreciate, right.
There's no backstory andtherefore it's slightly cleaner
(12:00):
and therefore more powerful.
So when you look at all theneeds and feelings and all the
feeling words, uh, each feeling.
Has a little bit of a different, um,tone to it, if you will, you know,
rage is different than irritated.
Right.
And so to really clue into whereare you emotionally, so step one
would be to figure out how you feel.
Speaker (12:20):
And you know what, I, I have to say another thing, another reason
I think that list is so important,because often when I ask myself or
someone else, how are you feeling?
They reply with a thought.
You know, we don't evenknow how to talk about it.
So if you have this list to look at, Oh,you know, you can kind of start to think,
(12:40):
and I think that will make you more aware.
So thank you.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Right.
We often, you're right.
We often talk in like,I, I think, or I believe.
Or I feel like, and then we tell astory, but those aren't feeling words.
Like, so that doesn't, wegot to get to the bottom of,
well, what's underneath that.
I had a therapist client once and shejust would go on and on and on and on
and on and on about like the story.
And I stopped her after a year and I said,there's a lot of words for you're afraid.
(13:07):
Right.
Doesn't matter why.
Doesn't matter how we got here.
You are afraid.
You currently have fear.
So let's just be there.
We don't need all the words.
We don't need the story.
And trust me, I like words.
But there's, there's, we're addictedto our stories keeping us stuck
and we have to get beneath it.
What's it really about for you?
And sometimes that exercise just figuringout the feelings is enough for people.
(13:29):
However, it's not enough.
Once you figure out the feeling, youhave to know that the only reason why you
have a negative feeling is because youeither have a need That's not being met
or the perception of a need not being met.
So so step two would be to figureout Okay, I have my feeling
i'm feeling whatever Okay,we'll take me as an example.
(13:49):
I'm I was feeling uh angry andsad and frustrated All right.
So what was the need?
That was creating this feeling thatperception of the need not being
met Uh, and i'm gonna say top level,because this, this worksheet, you
take a little bit of time with it.
Respect,
(14:11):
commitment, uh, my need for commitment,respect, my need for communication, my
need for trust, my need for connection.
Okay.
All those things are notbeing met now in my mind.
And most people aregoing to start this way.
You can't help it.
You're going to blame somebody else.
What you have in your mind is thatthat person didn't give me this.
(14:34):
Okay.
But here's the, here's the thingwe can't, our needs are our needs,
regardless of who we're talkingabout or whatever the situation is.
The person in question is justa mirror to reflect back at you,
what you are not giving you.
Right?
So, so through step three,so what's the feeling, what's
the need that's not being met.
Step three, what are the strategiesI can take to get the need met?
(14:57):
And this is the important part that donot require anybody else to be different.
Love this.
So in my example, I'm, I was feelingdisrespected or lack of respect,
disconnection, uh, trust, communication.
Okay.
All those things.
And in my mind, I'm blaming other people.
(15:17):
But I know this is a mirror.
So you just turn that mirror aroundand say, well, how am I Disrespecting
myself or not respecting myself becauseby the way disrespect is not a feeling
it's an interpretation but respectSo a need for respect is a thing.
I have a need for respect and it lookslike this to me for these reasons Okay.
Well, what's the bottom line?
Well, then you're not respecting youbecause if I'm the point of attraction
(15:38):
and I'm pulling these people in andthey're responding to me Then I have
to start with what I'm not doingfor me And what does that look like?
And once I figured that out, oh, I hadan action plan of what to do about it.
So I think that, and again, it's awhole new way of looking at things
because you want to say, well, hedidn't do, or she didn't do, or
they didn't do, and say, well, ifthey'd just change, I'd feel better.
(16:00):
But it's not that.
They're just a mirror reflecting back atyou things that you are trying to get from
others that you have to get for yourself.
Right,
Speaker (16:09):
right.
And if people can learn this,While they're going through a
divorce, just think about it.
Of the future opportunities theyare going to have because they
are going to feel respected.
They respect themselves.
And then they're going to meet someonebecause they got here for a reason.
(16:29):
And let's like have them moveforward so that it can be a better,
a better relationship in the future.
I have to ask you somethingbecause I'm in awe.
Did you say you've known this for 20 yearsbecause I'm just figuring it out and I'm
getting you know, I'm a little mature
Speaker 3 (16:48):
I have So I'm gonna say I started learning a lot of this
2002 so maybe 20 years.
Yeah, it's getting there.
I mean, I wasn't always good at all ofit I had I learned it as I was going and
I I, I took responsibility as, as, aswhen it was said to me, what I heard was
(17:12):
you're the creator of your own reality.
And I was like, and all of a suddenI thought, Oh my God, it resonated.
And I went, well, the good news.
See, and over the years, I'vesaid that to people and had the
exact opposite response from them.
And I had to figure outwhy, what that was about.
And I realized it was because Idon't carry around guilt and shame
about what has happened to me.
I look, I heard that and it meant forme, if you don't like something, you 100
(17:37):
percent have the opportunity to change it.
And other people I know who carryaround a lot of guilt and shame and
feel very, very, and I'm not saying weall don't feel broken on some level.
We all have those kindsof, we absolutely do.
But when they would hear it, theywould hear, I didn't want this.
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't ask for all thesebad things to happen to me.
And so I started to bea little more sensitive.
(17:59):
And how I said that, um, because I justwant to make sure people understood
that when we look at why we're here, whywe're on the planet, why do we incarnate
in these bodies, why are we here inthis lifetime, like there's a bigger,
more expansive point of view here.
It's not just the bubble of what happenedtoday with this person there, you know,
and, and I tend to attract people with.
So, uh, yeah.
older interest in this morespiritual, deeper conversations,
(18:21):
sort of the older souls, if you will.
And, um, and so I've learned how to,how to like, when you said you, um,
You started like, I guess, stalk me.
I've got people who either binge listento my show or want to write me a negative
review within the first five minutes.
Because I've, becauseI've, I'm a catalyst.
So I'll say something and you know inthis forum, I don't know who's listening.
Speaker (18:44):
I don't
Speaker 3 (18:44):
know you, so if I say something that pisses you off, you
better frickin know that's within you.
It isn't my fault.
I'm just putting the mirror up and youdon't like it and you want to use me as
your punching bag to blame me for it.
Exactly.
Yes.
But it still doesn't, it still happensbecause I got a lot of fire and so
people that don't want to hear itwill just lash back and which is fine.
I don't care because it's not about meand I know that and that's what, that's
(19:05):
what the personal self growth work does.
It gets you to understand that criticismabout you is never really about you.
Okay.
Talk more a little bit more about that.
So back to like, all youwant is to feel good.
And all you're doing is lookingfor things to feel better.
We, most of us stop ourselves fromour lives and growing and expanding in
whatever ways, because we don't wantcriticism because we're looking for love.
(19:28):
We're looking for love.
And if we put it out there, you'rerunning people to like you because
you want to receive the love.
But again, we're, we'reprostituting ourselves by
saying, I don't love me enough.
Will you love me if I say or do this?
And now we've again, become the victimof the other person's reaction to
let us know if we're lovable or not.
(19:48):
And again, that's going to stopyou from growing every time as
a person in a relationship, asa business owner, as a public.
speaker as whatever it is you do in life.
And when you can really be clear andbuild that relationship with yourself,
know who you are, know what yourstrengths are, know what your weaknesses
are and embrace and love all of theminto the ugly parts you don't like and
learn how to shine some light on them.
(20:09):
Then you'll always hear someoneelse's criticism as being about you.
And it's never about you.
Speaker (20:16):
So JJ, would you say that?
I mean, I know there's a lot of reallyimportant lessons, but what I'm finding
more and more is probably the mostimportant one is to love yourself.
I mean, do you think that that is?
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Absolutely.
But most people don't know how.
Right.
So they'll say, what do you mean?
Love myself.
What does self care mean?
I did a whole show on self carebecause I'm like, well, let
me go through what it means.
Right.
Speaker (20:43):
Well, what is it on your podcast or is it, it
Speaker 3 (20:45):
is, I don't, um, I will have to find it for you.
Let me know.
And then I'll put that in.
Okay.
How do I love myself?
Might be the title.
I don't know, but I'll look for itbecause again, I on fit to love, we're
getting close to 600 episodes on spirit,purpose, energy, where the 315, so
I have to find, I have to find it.
Okay.
Bye.
Speaker (21:02):
All right.
Can you give me a little, give the lista little bit because that's going to
get them if they can love themselvesand then use those three steps that you
gave us and, you know, prepare for thatfirst mediation, I think it's going
to be the start of something amazing.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
I want to go back if I could for just a second, not,
not in this conversation, but inhow I would and how I, and how my
trainers are kind of handling, um,and how I'm handling cancer patients.
I take concepts that it might take you 10years in therapy to get to because someone
listens to all your stories and then theyhave to like gently like bring you back.
I go straight like right from the startto find out what your core wounds are.
(21:45):
Because until you know what yourcore wounds are, you will be guessing
circumstantially by every singleconversation, every single scenario.
It's like, can we just getto, can we cut to the chase?
Cause at the bottom of all of thisis a core wound or two or three that
literally has made every choice inyour life from what you do, the friends
you have, the partner you've chosenand why, because our whole entire
(22:09):
journey is about trying to get whatwe didn't get from our caregivers.
So I kind of go really straight therebecause how do I love myself is going to
be different than how you love yourself.
Right.
And how the next person lovesthemselves because we have to give to
ourselves that which we did not get.
But we need to know what it is firstin order to be able to do that.
Right.
(22:29):
And then of course there'sother levels to that.
There's love languages.
There's astrology and your energy andlike what, what is meaningful to you.
But we still have to go with,well, what is it I'm looking for?
What is it I'm searching for?
What is the hole in my boat thatI haven't been able to plug up yet
because I don't even know where it is.
And let's go there because it's the reasonwhy you got married in the first place.
It's the reason why you chose yourpartner to heal the wounds of your past.
(22:51):
And maybe you didn't succeedin that because you didn't
have the tools to do it.
Well, then let's go backwardsand start to do it now.
Better late than never becauseif you don't fix it now, your
next relationship will be anotherreflection of those wounds.
Speaker (23:05):
I love that.
And we don't want that.
We want it to be like the turningpoint, the new life, the okay.
So tell me you went through your divorce.
You said it wasn't horrible.
No, because
Speaker 3 (23:18):
it wasn't horrible.
Well, I mean, okay.
Horrible.
I did not, there were no lawyers.
There was no mediation.
There was an easy agreement.
I mean, there was a lawyer that was afriend of my exes who did the paperwork,
um, or did the agreement between us, butmy ex paid for the, you know, to file it.
Other than that, I washands off, uh, because I was
(23:40):
committed to having us fix it.
Cause to me, I got into my marriage,knowing that the real work starts once
you get married, uh, and knowing that.
These are things we're goingto have to work on, and I
don't think he understood that.
I think he thought things were justgoing to be great, his wounds would be
healed, and then we're just going tobe happy ever after, have a great time.
(24:01):
And so the work was hard, but,and here's what I tell all people.
And I'm currently my, my partner inlife, Doug, uh, he had to go through
two divorces, uh, to get here, to beso open to understand and not that
he didn't know what he didn't know.
And now he's super committed tounderstanding and he gets it,
but it took two divorces to like.
(24:23):
Literally break him open and awake.
He was unconscious now.
He's awake.
Thank God for me.
Uh, right?
I mean not for me Thank God.
I mean, thank thank God becausefor me, this is great, right?
I have a partner who's going totherapy who like we do couples things.
We've got a couple's retreats.
We have these conversationsWe do these processes.
So
(24:44):
Yeah, so in terms of, um, it wasn't easy.
I cried for months and years aftereven in my relationship with Doug
because our, our marriages sortof fell apart at the same time.
So while we were coming together, wewere also healing from what had happened,
which at the time made it seem like, isthis going to be a, is this what the,
(25:05):
rebound, is this a rebound relationship?
And it wasn't.
But it could have been looked at thatway because we were really supporting
each other through a really hardtime and I loved my husband and I
didn't want it to be another person.
I, I really applied all my law ofattraction tools to the marriage,
but the universe had other plans,uh, cause I wasn't, uh, listening
cause I, I'm a very committed personwhen I, when I figured that out.
(25:28):
So, yeah, I mean, it was, bythe end of the day, you have
to, you have to ask yourself.
I can only do so much.
There's a lot to do though.
There's a lot of people don't dohalf the things that can be doing and
that I didn't want to be that person.
I'm like, no, no, I'm going totake on the responsibility of,
of I'm going to do the thing.
I'm going to change me and I'mgoing to like learn how to look at
(25:49):
things differently and I'm going tobe more compassionate and I'm going
to see all of my wounds and I'mgoing to be better for you because.
I'll be better for me too.
And I did that and I exhausted thatto the point where I realized my
partner didn't want to do that.
He didn't want to work that hard.
And he said it multiple times.
And I wasn't listening becauseagain, I'm a committed person.
(26:10):
And I thought what youcommitted, this is a marriage.
This is like forever.
Like, why wouldn't you, if something'snot right, why wouldn't we fix it?
To me, it did not compute.
Why would we not fix something?
Not working well, but.
I had to learn the hard way that a lot ofpeople have no interest in fixing things
because they don't want to, they don'twant to feel the pains of their past.
So it wasn't, wasn't horrible.
(26:31):
There wasn't fighting.
There wasn't lawyers.
There was respect, gratitude, but therewas a lot of sadness, a lot, a lot
Speaker (26:38):
of
Speaker 3 (26:38):
sadness.
Speaker (26:39):
Yeah, and you know, I, you, I don't know that you can avoid that.
I have a lot of people that come tome who don't want to fight, um, and
that's why they're coming to me becausewe're going to work together and do it.
I have people that fight, I havepeople that don't, and I have people
who just want to get it done with.
And what they don'tget is that it is hard.
(27:03):
You know, I can't sugar coat itand say, this is going to be easy.
Let me take this awayfrom you and do it all.
And it'll be fine.
It's not, it's hard, butyou can grow through it.
And that's why you're addingvalue to my listeners right now,
because this is going to help themso that they can make the choice.
(27:26):
to put the work in to start improvingthat journey and to just heal beyond this.
And so, Oh, I'm sothankful that you're here.
And like I said, in the show notes,there's so many ways to follow you.
Um, we will have the connectors,but if you want to, you
know, let us know anything.
I know you have a blog.
(27:47):
about divorce.
That's helpful.
I have a podcast,
Speaker 3 (27:51):
but I, but on, but they have mostly the same shows.
So just any of the shows will have a lotof the same content on it at this point.
I mean, I have, I shouldn't saythat, but all the shows, okay.
Women, men in relationships.
Which usually men are attractedto because it's a black cover.
Um, I've got, um, spirit, purpose andenergy, which, yeah, which, which, uh,
(28:13):
let's see, that one is not, I did notadd that to this banner, but, um, let
me just, let me just take you around.
So we've got nutritional alternativemedicine, spirit, purpose, and energy
fit to love, um, health and wealth.
So, uh, again, but like I said, a lotof the content is going to be similar.
Um, on all the shows, so just findwhichever one you find, type in my
(28:33):
name into the podcast search andyou'll see all the content that I have.
Um, I just want to say one thing aboutthe whole idea of divorce, if that, if
I can real quick, because I think it's areally, I think it's a really important
statement to make, and I'm saying thiswith as much, um, love, I don't know you
all, but you, hopefully, again, I've beenthrough it, so it's not like I'm saying
something that I didn't experience myself,but you're going through a divorce.
(28:57):
To learn a lesson that you didn'tlearn in your marriage and you
married the person you marriedto heal the wounds of your past.
And if that didn't happen because youweren't awake to that or knew that or
had the tools for that or had somebodyready to be on board with that, you're
having another opportunity right now.
And.
And it's, it, a divorce is a call toreevaluate how, you know, where you are
(29:22):
with those wounds, because I will havepeople who will go through a divorce.
I had one, a couple of their friends andshe, she had already been divorced before.
So this would be her second divorce.
And I begged.
them.
They didn't listen, but because theyweren't, they weren't listeners to
my show or anything, but I beggedthem to go through the therapy that
I recommended or the processes Irecommended because I said, look, even
(29:42):
if you end up not going to like beingtogether on the other side of this,
you're going to repeat these lessons.
They will come in the next person.
I promise you, you cannotoutrun your need to heal this.
So a divorce isn't a mistake.
A divorce is the next evolution of yourjourney into healing your wounds, period.
(30:05):
So I don't want it to belike, there's a mistake here.
I made a mistake.
This was wrong.
This is bad.
Nope.
This is just the next call toaction for you to now click
into and be conscious to that.
There are wounds inside of youthat if you don't heal, I promise
you, you will repeat this.
In the next relationship.
Speaker (30:24):
I love that quote.
And I am going to goback and write that down.
That was amazing.
And you know, I, you have made me abetter mediator just listening to you.
So I appreciate that.
I took lots of notes.
And we'll have a lot in the show notes.
And JJ, thank you from the bottomof my heart for joining us today.
(30:46):
We really appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (30:48):
Lisa, thank you so much for having me.
It was a pleasure.
This just flew by.
So thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate you asking these questions.
I appreciate the opportunity to givepeople some hope and to understanding
and take some of that responsibility.
from the situation that you thinkis bad and that it's, it's a blip
of something that you've done wrong.
It's a failure.
It's really not.
(31:09):
And I dealt with that.
I didn't want to have a failure, whichis why I worked so hard, but it's,
it's part of your process and youwill heal through this if you do it
consciously and get some help with it.
Speaker (31:20):
Amen.
I love it.
Thanks so much, JJ.
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