February 11, 2025 • 54 mins
Discover the transformative power of communication in relationships with our insightful conversation featuring the esteemed relationship coach, Tannaz Hosseinpour. Learn how Tannaz transitioned from navigating the tumultuous world of legal disputes to empowering individuals and couples with the tools to foster healthier connections. With her guidance, we unravel the concept of "love maps" developed by the Gottman Institute, and discuss the critical importance of expressing expectations and needs clearly, moving beyond assumptions that partners are mind readers.
Explore the crucial role of appreciation and fairness in love. Tannaz and I delve into how simple acts of gratitude can strengthen bonds and create positive feedback loops in everyday interactions. We also reframe traditional views on Valentine's Day, expanding it beyond romantic love to encompass self-love and friendships, fostering a richer understanding of affection in all its forms. The discussion also zeroes in on how to "fight fair," emphasizing the need for balancing personal growth with relational skills and resolving conflicts with respect and empathy.
As we navigate the emotional intricacies of relationships, Tannaz offers profound insights into the art of vulnerability and nervous system regulation. Highlighting the Four Horsemen concept, she guides us in recognizing default conflict responses and replacing them with positive behaviors for healthier communication. Learn how deep breathing and grounding can expand your window of tolerance, and understand the significance of sharing needs with relational safety. Through this episode, prioritize self-compassion and personal growth, ensuring your happiness and confidence flourish in all your relationships.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I'm aself-worth and confidence coach
with Sage Coaching Solutions.
In today's episode, we arelucky enough to have a really
(00:27):
wonderful guest on our podcast.
With Valentine's coming up, Ithought that having a guest on
who is really an expert when itcomes to relationships would
provide a whole nother level ofvalue, so we are so happy to
have her here on the SageSolutions podcast.
(00:49):
Everyone, please welcome TanezHosampour.
She is an establishedrelationship coach who works
with both individuals andcouples on enhancing their
relationships, both withthemselves and in all areas of
their lives, so that they canhave better relationships with
their co-workers, friends,family members and, especially,
(01:13):
romantic partners.
And correct me if I'm wrong,but you're actually in training
to become a relationshiptherapist as well, correct?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yes, in training.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
In training Okay, awesome.
And one thing that reallycaught my eye was that you have
a little bit of a legalbackground, which I do as well,
so I thought that that provideskind of an interesting insight,
especially the area of law.
But before we get into it, ourgoal with this podcast is to
share free, helpful tools withyou and anyone you know who is
(01:47):
looking to improve their life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
Tanez also has her ownestablished podcast and
community that she started in2017, where she interviews
leading experts to shareinsights on relational wellness
and self-growth.
But, frankly, you're going todo a much better job introducing
(02:11):
yourself than I will, soeveryone, please welcome Tanez.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Thank you, I'm so excited to be on, david.
And yeah, I do have a backgroundin law, in dispute resolution
law and family mediation, andthat's kind of what led me to
relationship coaching eightyears ago, because I was really
confused as to why or how we endup at a place where we're
fighting over you know who getsa plate and who gets a cup, but
(02:39):
we're always, you know, when weget married, we're so in love.
So what happens in between thatgets us to this point?
I didn't like being on thereactive side Kind of made me do
a 180 and say I want to be onthe proactive side of
relationships, which led me torelationship coaching, getting
my certifications.
And over the past eight yearsI've been working with hundreds
(02:59):
of clients and couples andsingle people who want to enter
into relationships and Irealized, okay, I'd like to take
it a step further and startedmy third master's degree in
counseling psychotherapy so thatI could have more tools to help
couples navigate relationships,because relationships are not
(03:21):
what Disney promised us.
It's not, it looks nothing likethat.
It actually requires work andeffort and learning relational
skills.
So, yeah, that's how I ended uphere.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Well, thank you for sharing that with us.
It's interesting becausethere's a little bit of a
parallel.
When I was working in elder law, I saw how the death of a loved
one could really bring a familytogether or could really split
them apart, especially oversmall petty things.
And it's kind of another areawhere love and connection and
(03:59):
relationships come in, but justin a little bit of a different
way in, but just in a little bitof a different way.
And it always struck me as veryI don't know how else to say it
but just bizarre or crazy thatpeople would let small amounts
of money or small specific itemsbreak up 50 years of family.
And I'm sure it was to an evengreater degree when you're
(04:21):
working with dispute resolutionand even divorce.
So I wanted to ask, withValentine's Day coming up, we
just did an episode on the fivelove languages.
I was happy to do that with mywife and I was wondering if you
had any advice for a newrelationship, a long-standing
(04:45):
relationship.
What is the number one thingthat you would recommend people
focus on coming into this time?
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Okay.
So I think I would say and Isay this often to my clients
your partner is not a mindreader.
Express your expectations, donot make assumptions.
And the reason for this is wehave five fingers on each hand
(05:13):
they're not identical.
Siblings in the same householdare not identical.
So people from differenthouseholds, different
backgrounds, different family oforigins, different belief
systems, they are not like you,and so what they think you're
going to want might be sodifferent from what you actually
(05:35):
want.
And unless you express yourneeds in a respectful, loving,
invitational, warm way and I saythis part in an asterisk,
because it's not we don't wantto dictate, we don't want to
demand.
We want to express and say likethis is how I want to be loved.
(05:58):
And the Gottman Institute, drJohn Gottman, does such a great
work on teaching uscommunication skills and he has
this idea which he calls lovemaps.
And what is a love map?
It's you're literally givingyour partner a map of how you
want to be valued, how you wantto be spoken to, how you want to
be celebrated, and so we wantto set our partner up for
(06:22):
success.
But oftentimes I notice thatthey're like no, he should just
know, he should know that I wantX, y and Z.
Has he been living under a rock?
I hear this often and I alwayshave to remind people no,
because he might have grown up,for example, seeing his dad buy
(06:46):
his mom a cup of coffee and thatwas their love language and
that meant something for them.
And he'll come and he'll do thesame thing for you, but that
doesn't hold the same meaningfor you.
It doesn't hold the same valuefor you.
So now you're disappointed,thinking my partner doesn't love
me, and your partner's thinkingwhen my mom got that coffee,
(07:06):
she felt so loved.
So it's like a huge questionmark of like, what am I doing
wrong?
And we get stuck in this loopof like, so you don't love me
enough.
And then there's like this wego into different dynamics of
like, pursuing, withdrawing.
A lot can happen.
But to simplify it, expressyour needs, express your
(07:26):
expectations, let your partnerknow what you would like.
This is how I want to be loved.
This is how I want to becelebrated.
This is how I want us tocelebrate Valentine's Day.
Have a conversation around that.
Give your partner the tools towin.
Set them up for success.
That's what I would say.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
That is incredibly good advice.
Just thinking through everyword that you said and how, in
my own relationship there aredefinitely times where it's so
easy to fall into this.
We're like how do you not know?
And we just get so caught up inour own perspective that we
(08:10):
assume the rest of the world hasthat same perspective.
But that perspective has amillion things that make it
different than everyone else's,and I think the most interesting
part of that is how muchstronger we feel that when it's
somebody that we are reallyclose to and connected with.
You know, with a coworkeryou're not nearly as upset if
(08:33):
they're not understanding whatyou're thinking, but with your
partner it's almost like you putthese totally unfair
expectations, like you said, onthem.
How would you recommend goingabout catching yourself or
helping yourself through thatprocess in the moment, If you
feel that emotion welling upwithin yourself of like how
(08:54):
could they do this?
What would you recommend for,like a in the moment strategy or
tactic?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Pause, remove yourself from the situation
because again, um, I love toalways bring science into what
I'm, what I'm sharing.
So when we're feeling triggeredand if that trigger is really
strong and it creates thisphysiological flooding.
So physiological flooding iswhen I want to say something but
(09:23):
no words are coming out.
So my body is in a veryheightened sympathetic state,
heart rate's going up, like youjust feel that it's like the
heat inside getting more andmore.
Science shows us that you knowit takes a minimum of 20 minutes
to regulate yourself, tobalance the nervous system, and
(09:43):
nothing good comes out of thattriggered state.
So when your partner doessomething like, let's say, you
had expectations for flowers andhe shows up with the coffee
let's use that same example of acoffee or a tea and you're
noticing something is coming upand I'm feeling really triggered
.
We know that, okay, the rightway to approach this is saying
(10:08):
this was what my expectation was.
Can you like getting curiouswith each other?
Like tell me what made you getthe coffee?
But in that moment, if you'reangry, these words are not
coming out, you're going tobecome critical, you're going to
attack the person's character.
The problem is no longer theproblem, the problem becomes
that person's character, andthat's a line we don't want to
cross.
Or if we do cross it, we wantto repair it.
(10:29):
But to avoid that, to beproactive in our approach, we
want to pause.
We want to remove ourselvesfrom the situation to help
regulate.
Now in my own relationship it'swe need to take a time out, and
when I say that word, it meansI'm leaving the conversation.
I'm going to go do things thatare going to help me regulate
(10:53):
Glass of cold water, rub icecubes on my neck or on my wrists
, cry, take a shower.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Yeah, these are really good Wow.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Go for a walk.
You know simple things, butreally help us regulate.
Now that I'm feeling regulated,I come back to the conversation
.
Help me understand.
I want to see your perspective.
So do not underestimate thepower of the pause, because we
say stuff in the heat of themoment and it creates ruptures
(11:26):
and of course we can alwaysrepair.
But why get to that point if wecan just remove ourself from
the situation until we can comeback and say it in a kinder,
softer, more curious tone?
Speaker 1 (11:41):
A lot of what you're saying reminds me a lot of the
things that we talked about in aprevious episode, when we
talked about mindfulness, aboutyou know, pausing, about being
in the moment, about I supposeit provides an immediate state
change and kind of snaps you outof that headspace.
(12:10):
I really like that one.
I'm probably going to steal it,if that's okay.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, please, please do, Because you know, when
you're rubbing ice on the backof your neck, that's where your
vagus nerve is.
That's how you activate theparasympathetic, so it's one of
the fastest ways.
If you don't have ice, takelike frozen peas from the
freezer and just put it on yourback and you'll notice.
You'll notice within a coupleof slow, deep breaths, you start
(12:36):
to feel more grounded and atease, and the same happens here
with your wrists.
So or just put your face in thefreezer.
That's powerful too.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
I wanted to touch on something you said earlier.
I didn't want to get, I didn'twant to lose what you were
saying, but it was a smalllittle thing, but it just struck
me.
You said set your partner upfor success.
You know, give them the toolsto succeed.
And I just I thought that waswonderful.
I mean, it's such a goodreminder that, like you're a
(13:09):
team, you're not trying to win.
The point is you want themto-compassion and not just, you
know, shame ourselves for it andthen you go back and repair,
like you said.
But I just I thought that wasgreat.
(13:30):
Are there any other ways thatwe can set our partners up for
success?
Give them the tools, like yousaid.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, definitely so.
You know in your previousepisode with the five languages,
that's a great way to setyourself up and your
relationship, becauserelationship wins, you win.
Exactly as you said, we are ateam.
It's never me versus you, it'sus versus the problem.
Whatever challenge comes, wewill figure it out together.
(14:01):
So five languages is great, fivelove languages this is how I
like to be loved.
So you're kind of letting theperson know, and the whole
premise of the love languages isyou want to love your partner
how they want to be loved, nothow you want to be loved.
So it's like if this personloves quality time, making sure
(14:22):
I do that, even if my lovelanguage is not quality time,
but I want to be, even if mylove language is not quality
time, but I want to beintentional with their love
language.
So you've already covered that.
I love that.
It's a great tool.
So I highly recommend everyoneto go back to that episode and
listen to it for a refresher.
Love languages Another great wayis to really learn how to
(14:43):
express your needs and to bevocal about it and say, like you
know, I feel and this is one ofmy favorite sentences I feel X
when Y happens.
So I feel so loved when youpump the gas for me without me
having to ask, right?
(15:05):
So you're kind of telling theperson when you do this, this is
how I feel.
And guess what?
Everyone inside of them lovesit when they make someone else
happy.
It's just an innate nature ofpeople.
Why?
Because it makes me feel likemy presence matters, right, that
(15:25):
there's value of mine in thisdynamic.
So when you're telling theperson, thank you so much for
doing that, it made me feel soseen.
Or when you do this, I feel thatI've spoken to many men and
they've always told me and I'mspeaking from a woman's
(15:46):
perspective, but I have a lot ofmale clients and they tell me
it's so powerful for them whenthey know what makes them happy,
because it's very simple, like,okay, they've created a formula
, if I do this, she'll be happy,so I'll do more of this, she'll
be happier, and it's like apositive loop that we'll get
into.
So you don't want toovercomplicate things, it's
(16:10):
really just.
You know, when you do X, I feelY and gratitude, appreciation.
We want to step outside ofexpectation and realize that,
the way my partner is showing up, they don't have to do that,
they want to do that, and so Iwant to acknowledge that and I
want to honor that.
(16:31):
And honoring is not submission.
Honoring is the most powerfulthing you can do for your
partner.
I see you, I see what you'redoing for us and I appreciate it
and it makes me feel a certainway, and I want you to know how
that makes me feel.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Wow, yeah, no, just really really great stuff.
So we touched on some reallypowerful things, some tactics,
some overall approaches that wecan take towards our
relationships.
Going into Valentine's Day, butnot everyone is in the midst of
(17:10):
a romantic relationship.
Different people are indifferent seasons of their lives
and for the individuals whomaybe aren't in the middle of a
romantic relationship, I thinkValentine's Day can feel a
little bit daunting, or evenlonely or alienating.
What advice would you give tothose individuals?
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Thank you for asking that and I completely agree with
you.
I think also the way it's beingmarketed like the way
Valentine's Day is beingmarketed plays a big role in
that trigger.
But you know, if we can reframethe way we look at Valentine's
Day, if we can look atValentine's Day as just honoring
the energy of love, now thatcan be love of self, that can be
(17:56):
love of sisterhood orbrotherhood.
You know that, friendships,those safe spaces where you feel
seen, love of community, loveof family, and just leaning into
that energetic frequency oflove.
It's not necessarily aboutromantic love, but it's how can
(18:19):
I tap into that frequency?
How can I cultivate that?
Even in my own life?
One of my favorite things to askmy clients and I love to
remember to do this every day aswell is when I wake up in the
morning and I ask myself how canI make love to my life?
And you know, in a veryromantic way of how can I enjoy
(18:41):
every moment of today?
So when I'm having my coffee, Idon't want to be mindlessly
scrolling, I want to enjoy thatcoffee.
When I'm sitting with mypartner for breakfast, I want to
be present with them.
When I'm at work, I want to befully immersed in that zone of
genius.
For me, that is love.
For me, that is how can I loveevery moment of my life, how can
(19:04):
I bring joy, inject intentionaljoy, and if we can just take
this reminder and apply it tothat specific day as well,
whether we're with our friendsor with ourselves, or with our
family or with our partner, it'snot about the gifts, it's about
how can I inject that energeticfrequency into every second of
(19:27):
that 24 hours and, of course,beyond, but let's specifically
for that day.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yeah, one day at a time, one step at a time.
We often stereotype love toonly be romantic love and there
are so many other types, likeyou said.
You've got familial love,platonic love, self-love, love
of a hobby or of life, andValentine's Day, like you said.
(19:54):
As you know, the cynical willcall it a Hallmark holiday.
But you know, some of that doeshave an effect because it's
very, very marketed, as this iscouples day, you know, and if
it's really about love, then wecan express that in so many
different ways.
So I've heard you talk aboutthe concept of fighting fair and
(20:22):
I would love to touch on that.
I think it could provide a lotof value to everyone listening.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, fighting fair.
Fighting fair has a lot ofelements.
So you know, when it comes tojust any type of relationship, I
always tell people it's 50% theinner work that you've done, so
it's your past conditioningyour beliefs, your baggage, your
wounds, and it's 50% relationalskills, learning the skills,
(20:52):
and these are not skills that wewere taught in school.
No one told us how tocommunicate, no one told us how
to fight.
If anything, fighting has sucha negative connotation.
Conflict has a negativeconnotation, and if there's a
couple that comes to me and sayswe never fight, that's never a
good sign.
It just means that someone isabandoning their needs,
(21:14):
abandoning themselves, to pleasethe other person.
And so I want to encouragepeople to have arguments.
But how can we have argumentsin a way that feels fair, in a
way that feels respectful?
And even if we cross thatboundary, can we learn how to
repair the art of repairing?
(21:35):
So it's such a big concept but,to summarize it, fighting fear
is a few things.
One, I am going to keep thefocus on the problem and not
make it about you, and that'sone of the four horsemen that
the Gottman Institute talksabout.
(21:56):
So these are the fourcommunication faux pas that you
shouldn't do, because, again,research shows that if we do
engage in them, relationshipwill end most likely in divorce,
especially with the last one,contempt being over 90%
predictor of divorce.
So the first one is criticism.
So, again, the problem is notyou now, the problem is not the
(22:19):
dirty dishes.
The problem is you are a messyperson, you are dirty, you are
selfish, it's very you, you, youoriented.
And guess what, if you keeptelling someone you are this,
you are that, they're going toget defensive, which is the
second horseman.
Now, if I'm getting defensive,I'm going to show up in two ways
Either I'm going to say I'mdirty, you are this.
(22:43):
So now I'm going to becomecritical back to you and we're
going to ping pong until it'sworld war three.
Or I'm going to say going intomartyr mode you don't care about
me, I was doing this all day.
You're going into thatvictimhood.
(23:03):
Consciousness doesn't reallyresolve the problem because you
haven't acknowledged the otherperson's pain or dilemma.
So criticism and defensivenessare two things we want to avoid.
The third one is we brieflytalked about it it's
stonewalling.
So what is stonewalling?
And men tend to stonewall moreit means my body is in a state
(23:28):
of physiological flooding.
I want to say something, butnothing comes out.
And oftentimes, you know, awoman will be like hello, am I
talking to a wall?
Like where are you?
It's not that he's not payingattention, it's just the speed
at which the information came tohim is much faster than he can
(23:48):
process.
And I'm using he because, again, more men experience it.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Yeah, statistically totally.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Yeah, and the reason being is, as women, we've always
been around circles where we'retalking about our emotions.
We're much more familiar withthe process of expressing
emotions because it wasnormalized as kids, whereas it
wasn't normalized for men.
So physiological flooding whenit happens, no matter what you
say, it goes in one ear and goesout the other.
(24:16):
Your partner doesn't have thecapacity to process it in that
moment.
In that moment you need to givethat person a timeout.
If you're noticing themexperiencing that.
You express a timeout If theperson who's experiencing the
physiological flooding, thenalso the onus is on them to say
you know T, or stop or pause,because they know that they
(24:41):
don't have the capacity and thenervous system to continue this
conversation.
So fighting fair is if I see mypartner experiencing that, I'm
going to take a step back.
That's the third one, and thefourth one is contempt, and
contempt is what the GottmanInstitute sees as the biggest
(25:02):
predictor of divorce, and that'swhere there's no more respect
present in the relationship.
There's nonverbal contempt andverbal.
Verbal is sarcasm, belittling.
Were you raised in a barn thatyou're this dirty?
Um, you know what kind offamily were you in this?
like holier than thou attitudeyeah yes, and nonverbal is
(25:29):
rolling your eyes, sig, sighing,smirking at that moment, you
know, and I also want to becreate space for grace because
I've done all four.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I was going to say everyone does some of these.
Sometimes we're human.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Yes, and you know we all have a go-to horseman, so
it's the one that we tend tograsp for during conflict.
And again, it's because of howwe were conditioned, the
environment we grew up in whereone parent was very critical, we
(26:14):
tend to pick up on thatlanguage.
So you are who you are becauseof what you've been through.
But when you know better, youcan do better.
So knowing these four horsemenis so powerful because awareness
is key.
Like hearing me, oh, maybe mygo-to horseman is defensiveness
Great.
So what's the antidote ofdefensiveness?
It's taking accountability.
I understand.
Let's work on a solutiontogether.
(26:35):
I can understand howfrustrating that is when you
come home and this part of thehouse is a mess.
Let's figure out a way that wecan, you know, figure like, fix
it together, solve it together.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Like you said, us versus the problem solve it
together.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Like you said, us versus the problem.
Yes, us versus the problemAgain.
Oh, I noticed that I, you know,my go-to is stonewalling.
Okay, maybe I need to figureout a sign language that I can
tell my partner to go for apause.
If my go-to is criticism, Ineed to learn how to express
myself without attacking thecharacter.
So, hey, when I come home andthe dishes are unwashed, I feel
(27:16):
so anxious.
Can we figure out a solution?
So this is fighting fear.
Fighting fear is recognizingwhat your go-to horseman is,
learning the antidote andpracticing it and practicing
methods of repair.
So that when I messed up, hey,I noticed I was really critical
early on with you.
I want to apologize.
(27:38):
Can we try this conversationagain?
Accountability is one of thesexiest traits that any partner
can bring with them into arelationship.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Wow, the way you laid it out is just so good.
There were so many differentthings that were going off in my
head as I was hearing all ofthat.
Often, two people think thatthey're communicating, but
really neither of them actuallygot across what they were trying
to say.
So did a communication trulytake place if neither of them
(28:10):
accomplished it?
I noticed how clearly youbrought up the you statements
and then you kind of subtlyshowed in your example I
statements.
I feel this way, when you know,and how that subtle shift made
such a big difference in itbrain on this, one I've been
trying to use and I've seen somepretty good success with I
(28:39):
actually got it from Brene Brownwas, instead of saying you're
doing this, if I catch myselfjumping to a conclusion saying
either an I statement or thestory I'm telling myself is that
you are upset with me aboutthis.
Do you feel that that's helpful?
Should I tweak it a little bit?
Is that a helpful approach?
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Thank you, david, for sharing that Such a good
approach, because it's ourstories of each other that are
in the playing field.
Right, the story I'm tellingmyself?
This is how I'm perceiving it.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
This is how I'm understandingit, and I want to use an example
related to Valentine's Day.
(29:20):
If you have this belief again,everything goes back to beliefs.
If I have a belief that ifsomeone loves you, they'll spend
money on you, okay, this is abelief that I have my partner
comes and says oh, I planned apicnic for us.
Okay, so, because they have abelief that when you love
someone, you plan experiencesfor them.
(29:41):
So these are two differentbeliefs that are coming into a
relationship, very, very common.
Now, in that moment, it wouldmake the world of a difference
if one partner goes.
Listen, the story I'm making upin my mind is you don't love me.
That's why you didn't get me anexpensive gift.
Help me understand, tell memore about your beliefs, show me
(30:06):
what was your thought process.
And again, we're being verycurious.
It's like you know, the wholepoint of a relationship is every
single day, you want to set anintention, to get to know the
internal state of your partner.
What's going on in their mind.
Your sentence was so powerfulLike.
This is the story I'm makingand guess what the partner is
going to be like?
No, no, no, that's not at all.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
In fact, I thought if I do this experience?
Speaker 2 (30:32):
you know, I thought if I do this experience, you're
going to think I love you more.
It's more thoughtful thanbuying you a gift.
Oh great, yes, but I actuallyvalue gifts.
I love that.
What can we do to meet eachother halfway?
Maybe for Valentine's Day wecould do material stuff, and
then maybe for our anniversarywe can do experiences.
This is compromise, but you arenot going to get to that point
(30:55):
unless you have that veryvulnerable.
Share of this is the story thatis in my mind.
Correct me if I'm wrong, helpme understand.
So thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Okay, so I'm going to flip it around on myself,
because I shared something thatI thought would be helpful, but
I wanted to see if you had anyyou know tweaks or feedback, so
I'm glad that that's a good one.
I'll keep using it.
I think sometimes I havetrouble letting something go,
(31:55):
not like from an angrystandpoint, but just like I feel
what it needs to be as a resultof this drive, and it's
something I'd like to work on.
(32:21):
And oftentimes you know there'scontext for everything but
oftentimes, when we have a hardtime letting something go, it's
because we don't feel heard forwhy we feel the way we feel.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Yeah, that's yep.
I want to feel heard, I want tofeel validated.
And here is the nuance it'speople think if I validate you,
it means I agree with you.
No, you can validate someoneand not agree with them, that's
okay.
I see you the way you want tobe seen.
I hear you the way you want tobe heard.
(32:54):
Tell me more about that.
Tell me more about yourexperience.
Right, and I understand why youfeel the way you feel Doesn't
mean I agree with it, but Iunderstand it.
And just you know, when someonefeels understood that hey, I'm
not crazy for feeling this wayor there's not something wrong
(33:15):
with me for feeling this way,then I have more willingness,
more openness to moving forwardfrom it.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
But if I feel judged, judgment keeps us stuck usually
, Okay, that makes a lot ofsense and, for the record,
hannah is a very good listener.
It's not so much there.
I think I just need to do abetter job of embracing the
difference between understandingand agreement.
(33:49):
And I think just that subtlemindset shift would definitely
help me let go, because I thinkthere are times where she
understands and I am not makingthat distinction.
So, um, thank you, I appreciatethat there was.
There was some really goodinsight there.
Um, I noticed you were talkingabout the nervous system a good
(34:10):
amount before, especially withthe Ice Cube hack and the vagus
nerve, and I'd like to dive intothat a little more.
How would you say that nervoussystem and regulation of it or
how it overall works, plays intoour relationships?
Do you feel that it's a majoraspect or do you feel that it's
(34:32):
not that related?
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Nervous system regulation is the foundation of
every relationship you have withevery area of your life from
money.
So the amount of money thatshows up in your life equates to
how safe your body feelsreceiving that amount Meaning
the more Interesting.
(34:57):
I need to feel safe to receivethat.
Sometimes people think likesometimes we're scared of our
wishes coming true because wedon't know how we're going to
respond to it.
Will this amount feel safe?
And remember, anything that'sunfamiliar does not feel safe to
our body.
That's why we repeat unhealthypatterns in relationships and
(35:22):
unhealthy habits.
It's familiar, but familiardoesn't always mean good.
So with money, it's how muchfeels safe for me to hold, for
me to have?
Or do I think that if I get alot of money, people are going
to use me?
You know I'm going to change mycharacter, all these different
(35:43):
beliefs that we might have.
So even with money, it's theroot of it.
But with relationships, thereason is, the foundation of it
is I cannot be myself if I'mdysregulated.
I cannot be graceful as much asI'd like to be, I cannot be
compassionate as much as I'dlike to be, and in conflict I
(36:04):
literally cannot hear anything.
So again, there's so muchresearch on when someone is
dysregulated, when you'respeaking to them, they cannot
process it.
The part of their brain thatprocesses information shuts down
.
So I can't communicate, wecan't have conflict resolution
and that's more and moreruptures happening.
(36:26):
So that's in terms ofrelationship with someone else.
Same applies with yourcoworkers.
You know, when you're in likethat stressed out mood, I notice
it.
I'm like when I'm in thatfrustrated, dysregulated state,
someone breathes loud next to me.
I'm like staring at them.
I'm like why are you breathing?
So it really does impact ourcapacity, our window of
(36:51):
tolerance.
So our window of tolerance isour ability to handle challenges
.
The smaller it gets, the lesswe're able to navigate it and
handle it.
And again, window of tolerancebecomes smaller.
The more dysregulated we are,the less proactive we are with
(37:14):
regulation work.
So think of it this way themore you work on nervous system
regulation, the more proactiveyou become with it.
So, just reminding yourselftake slow, deep breaths
throughout the day, do sometapping, do some grounding, do
some shaking, some grounding, dosome shaking.
(37:35):
Regulate yourself, the moreyou're able to navigate life's
inevitable challenges with alittle bit more grace, with a
little bit more ease.
So it really does impact everyarea of your life.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
I'm just kind of reflecting.
We've talked about this conceptof filling up your inner cup so
that you can some of thepositive psychology six human
needs mindfulness but it soundslike nervous system regulation
(38:18):
is really a big one for that.
If you don't have your nervoussystem under that regulation,
it's very hard to show up forother people.
Very hard to show up for otherpeople Because, like you said,
certain parts of your brain areliterally turned off during that
, making you not show up in theway that you wish you would in
those situations, givenhindsight, 2020.
(38:40):
And I know it's been talkedabout more recently in the
public, but I still feel thatthat is really an
underappreciated and undertalked about issue, especially
because and not that we're goingto get super deep into that but
trauma can have a huge effecton your nervous system.
(39:04):
Yes, and many of us have capitalT, like big T trauma and little
t traumas, and those all haveeffects on our nervous system
that often make us, like yousaid, act in ways that aren't
how we want to, and a lot oftimes, those things can explain
why you're like why did theyjust do that?
That makes no sense.
Well, you don't know what elsehappened in their life that you
(39:26):
know causes them to react thatway in that specific situation.
Life that you know causes themto react that way in that
specific situation.
Getting a little off topic here, but I just really wanted to
hammer home that, like you and Iagree wholeheartedly on this
one that nervous systemregulation is such a huge factor
(39:47):
.
At different points in theconversation we've talked about
expressing our needs, so I kindof want to touch on that for a
little bit, if you're cool withit.
How does the topic ofvulnerability, especially in the
context of a relationship witha partner, relate to getting
(40:10):
your needs met, and are thereimportant things people should
know about how or when and ifyou should share your needs with
your partner?
Speaker 2 (40:24):
Loved.
If Relational safety is thenumber one prerequisite for
vulnerability, meaning I feelsafe to share, knowing that what
I share you will not useagainst me in the future.
So this is so important and thebody is so wise.
(40:47):
Pay attention to how your bodyfeels in that moment.
Do you notice yourself?
You know closing your hands.
Do you notice your shoulders?
You know being hunched?
Because you will feel if youfeel safe with this person or
not.
Right Again, body is thesmartest entity to go.
(41:09):
Right again, body is thesmartest entity to go, although
sometimes the body can.
You know, the body holds score,so previous trauma can manifest
in different ways.
So, yes, there are exceptions,but generally speaking, body is
smart.
So pay attention to how yourbody is feeling with that person
.
Do I feel safe with this person?
Do I feel emotionally safe?
Meaning, is this person anonjudgmental person?
(41:31):
When I've shared with thembefore, have they been receptive
to receiving it?
Because if I keep sharing andyou keep pushing it off, I'm not
going to want to share anymore,because my sharing is not
understood, is not valued, isnot seen.
So relational safety is key.
Ask yourself do I feel safe Now?
(41:52):
If I feel safe, when is when weboth have the capacity and the
time.
This is really important.
People think just because theirpartner has time, it means that
they have the capacity to hearyou out.
So just ask like, hey, do youhave the capacity right now to
have a serious conversation?
Or hey, I want to talk to youabout something.
(42:14):
When is a right time?
When is a good time for you?
I have a lot on my platetonight.
Do you want to grab lunchtomorrow?
Do you want to talk over dinner?
So really asking that person,getting an invitation to when
you want to share.
We don't want to just dump onour partners, because if your
partner had a really shitty dayat work and they come home and
(42:38):
you dump it on them becausethey've had a shitty day at work
, they might snap at you rightand they're like, ah, or they
might respond in a different way.
Now, in that moment you feelthat this person doesn't care
for me, they don't love therelationship, they're not
invested.
Now there's a rupture from bothends and it kind of turns into
(43:00):
a lose-lose situation.
But if the partner comes homeand you're like, hey, honey, can
we talk about something?
They're like I had a reallyshitty day at work, can we do
this tomorrow?
That's how you're settingyourself up for success.
You're setting each other upfor success, yourself and the
relationship.
So that's the when and then thehow.
Again we go back to the Ilanguage.
(43:22):
I feel this way.
I feel so seen, I feel sovalued, I feel so appreciated
when you do that, can we have alittle bit more of that?
So, like when you plan datenights, I feel so valued.
(43:42):
Can you schedule some more ofthat for us, please?
That versus you don't careabout me.
You never plan anything.
You don't love me Because yousay that the person's like no, I
do love you, but now I'mgetting defensive.
Nothing I do for you is enough.
I give up.
So language is so powerful.
(44:04):
And two things I would sayavoid when expressing your needs
, two words that are like justthrow it out of your vocabulary
always, ever.
Speaker 1 (44:16):
Yeah, infinitives.
Speaker 2 (44:19):
You always do this.
They're going to remember theone time they didn't do it.
I always do that.
Do not remember that, or younever do this.
They're going to remember thetime they did do it.
You're not grateful, don't youremember X, y and Z?
Speaker 1 (44:33):
Every time that I, yeah, no, dangerous.
Speaker 2 (44:35):
Dangerous.
Stay away from those two words.
Speaker 1 (44:38):
We talk a lot about shades of gray on this podcast.
I have these kind of five corefundamentals.
Not that I'm going to gothrough all of them, but that is
a big part of them because ithelps you see things with
balance.
It helps you have someflexibility and not see things
in extremes and infinitivesforce you into an extreme, even
(44:59):
if that's not how it actually is.
So I want to point out a nuance.
You made a very cleardistinction between the I and
the you again, and it was verypowerful.
But it wasn't just the switchof the I and the you.
I noticed that you actuallyswitched from pointing out the
lack, because you could alwayssay I feel underappreciated when
(45:26):
this doesn't happen.
I noticed that you reframed itto getting the same point across
, but with a positive, with theI statement.
When this happens, I feelappreciated, which is trying to
incentivize more of the goodthing as opposed to bringing
down the hammer on the bad thingand shaming the person, because
(45:49):
shame is often a prettyterrible long-term motivator.
If somebody feels like crapabout themselves, they don't
have a lot of mental energy togo do the things, and I've just
had light bulb after light bulb.
Having this conversation withyou has just been fantastic.
I have learned so much Everyonelistening to this.
(46:11):
There is so much value.
If you didn't get it all, goback and listen to this one
again.
You have just been wonderfulthroughout this whole podcast.
But I want to touch on a couplethings.
You actually have your ownpodcast.
It's called Minutes on Growth,right, and that's been around
for far longer than we've beenaround here at the sage
(46:32):
solutions podcast 2017.
So well, pre-pandemic, um.
So yeah, you are a verywell-established podcast with uh
community around it and, um, doyou have anything else you
would like to share?
Any, any nuggets of wisdom orlike small, little specific
(46:53):
things for Valentine's Dayspecifically?
Speaker 2 (46:57):
Okay.
So one thing I would like tosay is really over.
You know well two things.
One is set boundaries foryourself around social media,
because what you see on socialmedia isn't necessarily you know
the true experience of whatyou're seeing.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Yeah, so set some boundaries around that.
Speaker 2 (47:18):
Just remind yourself that you know, not everything
you see is exactly as it is.
So and don't, because you know,when we go on social media, the
inner critic creates somecomparisons which then, you know
, negative thoughts lead tonegative feelings, negative
feelings lead to negativeactions and this loop kind of
continues.
So have those boundaries andreally just spend some time with
(47:41):
your inner child.
Even if you're in arelationship, like every day I
like to ask myself what do youwant to do Like?
What do you want right now?
What do you want to do Likewhat do you want right now?
What do you want to eat?
Just kind of really cultivatinga strong connection with
yourself.
Because again, as cliche as itsounds, the relationship you
(48:01):
have with yourself is thefoundation of the relationship
you have with others, and therelationship you have with your
nervous system is a foundationof the relationship you have
with yourself.
Relationship you have with yournervous system is a foundation
of the relationship you havewith yourself.
Speaker 1 (48:12):
So it's like you know the Russian dolls.
You pull one out and there'sanother one inside of it.
Speaker 2 (48:15):
It all comes around, yeah, just taking some time this
week.
You know, it's self-care isn'tjust bubble baths.
It's you sitting down andtaking slow, deep breaths.
It's you putting your feet ongrass.
If you're somewhere that's warm, it's you drinking water.
It's you splashing cold wateron your face.
It's these small moments, it'snot the grand gestures and I
(48:41):
think I could link this toValentine's Day as well.
The health of a relationship isnot determined by the big like
grand gestures, right?
Those like once-a-year gestures.
No, it's accumulation of thesmall, consistent gestures.
(49:02):
It's the same with ourself.
We don't suddenly heal andchange by going to, you know,
that one class or reading thatone book.
It's that accumulation, thatconsistent action and effort
that we put into ourselves.
So I know the marketing ofViolent High Stay wants you to
(49:26):
focus on that one big gesture.
But notice the small ways yourpartner is showing up for you,
that you are showing up for you,that your friends are showing
up for you.
Show appreciation and cultivatethose.
It's a better investment in thelong term if you focus on the
small gestures, consistentgestures.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
No, that makes a lot of sense.
So for that day too, you knowyou might have a bigger thing
planned, but don't only focus onthat bigger thing Throughout
the day.
Send those little texts, thoselittle reminders.
Do little things touch allthose different love languages.
That makes a lot of sense andthe consistency that is so big.
(50:07):
Don't just immediately drop allof that the day after
Valentine's Day and have it notmean anything.
So I have two more questionsfor you.
First of all, do you have anyquestions for me before we wrap
it up here?
Speaker 2 (50:22):
So, since it's Valentine's Day, and I know how
much you honor your wife, I'dlove for you to share with us
one thing that you're gratefulfor in your marriage.
Speaker 1 (50:36):
I am grateful that I get to spend every day with my
best friend, with somebody thatmakes me feel so loved and who
is just so fun to just do sillythings with it's not always
about the serious stuff.
(50:57):
I am so grateful that I canjust be a goofball with her and
that she feels safe enough to dothe same with me.
I've got to say that'ssomething I'm incredibly
grateful for.
I've got to say that'ssomething I'm incredibly
grateful for.
Speaker 2 (51:11):
I love that, the safety you touched on,
relational safety.
You touched on acceptance.
You touched on, you know,feeling comfortable being
yourself.
The other person Touched on somany of those elements.
I love that.
Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 1 (51:27):
Yeah, no, thank you.
So, Tanaz, you do relationshipcoaching.
You do a lot of different stuff.
I heard eBooks.
Where can somebody find you?
Where can somebody connect withyou if they were interested in
maybe looking into some of yourservices or some of the material
that you produce, or yourpodcast?
How can people connect with you?
Speaker 2 (51:49):
Thanks for asking so everywhere on Minutes on Growth.
So website isminutesongrowthcom, instagram,
tiktok all of those are Minuteson Growth.
If you go on my website,there's an ebook on 11 Tools for
Nervous System Regulation.
They're simple, reallypractical tools that you can try
out, see what works for you,you know, create your toolbox,
(52:16):
put all of these differentmodalities and tools in there so
you're always prepared and youcan reach out for the one that
resonates most in that moment oftrigger.
So I have that ebook.
Podcast is the same and, yeah,just all platforms minutes on
growth and you know, feel free,DM me.
I love connecting with people,hearing their stories, and I
(52:37):
hope the content serves you andreally enables you to build
healthier relationships, becausethe Harvard research shows that
our experience of reality ismost impacted by the quality of
our relationships.
So we can create betterrelationships.
We can enjoy life more.
We can be better friends.
We can be better partners.
(52:58):
We can be better.
You know siblings and childrenand parents and everything.
Speaker 1 (53:06):
Well, thank you for coming on today and sharing so
much free value right before atime of love and connection with
our loved ones.
It's been a real pleasurehaving you on.
Thank you once again, Taniz.
Speaker 2 (53:20):
Thank you, David.
Speaker 1 (53:23):
And remember you are enough and you deserve to fill
up your inner cup with happiness, confidence and self-compassion
.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad you choose to learn and
(53:46):
grow here with me.
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
miss out on more sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
(54:09):
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed.
It is not intended as asubstitute for the personalized
advice of a physician,professional coach,
psychotherapist or otherqualified professional.
The opinions of guests aretheir own and may not
necessarily reflect the opinionsof the podcast.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I'm aself-worth and confidence coach
with Sage Coaching Solutions.
In today's episode, we arelucky enough to have a really
(00:27):
wonderful guest on our podcast.
With Valentine's coming up, Ithought that having a guest on
who is really an expert when itcomes to relationships would
provide a whole nother level ofvalue, so we are so happy to
have her here on the SageSolutions podcast.
(00:49):
Everyone, please welcome TanezHosampour.
She is an establishedrelationship coach who works
with both individuals andcouples on enhancing their
relationships, both withthemselves and in all areas of
their lives, so that they canhave better relationships with
their co-workers, friends,family members and, especially,
(01:13):
romantic partners.
And correct me if I'm wrong,but you're actually in training
to become a relationshiptherapist as well, correct?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Yes, in training.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
In training Okay, awesome.
And one thing that reallycaught my eye was that you have
a little bit of a legalbackground, which I do as well,
so I thought that that provideskind of an interesting insight,
especially the area of law.
But before we get into it, ourgoal with this podcast is to
share free, helpful tools withyou and anyone you know who is
(01:47):
looking to improve their life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
Tanez also has her ownestablished podcast and
community that she started in2017, where she interviews
leading experts to shareinsights on relational wellness
and self-growth.
But, frankly, you're going todo a much better job introducing
(02:11):
yourself than I will, soeveryone, please welcome Tanez.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Thank you, I'm so excited to be on, david.
And yeah, I do have a backgroundin law, in dispute resolution
law and family mediation, andthat's kind of what led me to
relationship coaching eightyears ago, because I was really
confused as to why or how we endup at a place where we're
fighting over you know who getsa plate and who gets a cup, but
(02:39):
we're always, you know, when weget married, we're so in love.
So what happens in between thatgets us to this point?
I didn't like being on thereactive side Kind of made me do
a 180 and say I want to be onthe proactive side of
relationships, which led me torelationship coaching, getting
my certifications.
And over the past eight yearsI've been working with hundreds
(02:59):
of clients and couples andsingle people who want to enter
into relationships and Irealized, okay, I'd like to take
it a step further and startedmy third master's degree in
counseling psychotherapy so thatI could have more tools to help
couples navigate relationships,because relationships are not
(03:21):
what Disney promised us.
It's not, it looks nothing likethat.
It actually requires work andeffort and learning relational
skills.
So, yeah, that's how I ended uphere.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Well, thank you for sharing that with us.
It's interesting becausethere's a little bit of a
parallel.
When I was working in elder law, I saw how the death of a loved
one could really bring a familytogether or could really split
them apart, especially oversmall petty things.
And it's kind of another areawhere love and connection and
(03:59):
relationships come in, but justin a little bit of a different
way in, but just in a little bitof a different way.
And it always struck me as veryI don't know how else to say it
but just bizarre or crazy thatpeople would let small amounts
of money or small specific itemsbreak up 50 years of family.
And I'm sure it was to an evengreater degree when you're
(04:21):
working with dispute resolutionand even divorce.
So I wanted to ask, withValentine's Day coming up, we
just did an episode on the fivelove languages.
I was happy to do that with mywife and I was wondering if you
had any advice for a newrelationship, a long-standing
(04:45):
relationship.
What is the number one thingthat you would recommend people
focus on coming into this time?
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Okay.
So I think I would say and Isay this often to my clients
your partner is not a mindreader.
Express your expectations, donot make assumptions.
And the reason for this is wehave five fingers on each hand
(05:13):
they're not identical.
Siblings in the same householdare not identical.
So people from differenthouseholds, different
backgrounds, different family oforigins, different belief
systems, they are not like you,and so what they think you're
going to want might be sodifferent from what you actually
(05:35):
want.
And unless you express yourneeds in a respectful, loving,
invitational, warm way and I saythis part in an asterisk,
because it's not we don't wantto dictate, we don't want to
demand.
We want to express and say likethis is how I want to be loved.
(05:58):
And the Gottman Institute, drJohn Gottman, does such a great
work on teaching uscommunication skills and he has
this idea which he calls lovemaps.
And what is a love map?
It's you're literally givingyour partner a map of how you
want to be valued, how you wantto be spoken to, how you want to
be celebrated, and so we wantto set our partner up for
(06:22):
success.
But oftentimes I notice thatthey're like no, he should just
know, he should know that I wantX, y and Z.
Has he been living under a rock?
I hear this often and I alwayshave to remind people no,
because he might have grown up,for example, seeing his dad buy
(06:46):
his mom a cup of coffee and thatwas their love language and
that meant something for them.
And he'll come and he'll do thesame thing for you, but that
doesn't hold the same meaningfor you.
It doesn't hold the same valuefor you.
So now you're disappointed,thinking my partner doesn't love
me, and your partner's thinkingwhen my mom got that coffee,
(07:06):
she felt so loved.
So it's like a huge questionmark of like, what am I doing
wrong?
And we get stuck in this loopof like, so you don't love me
enough.
And then there's like this wego into different dynamics of
like, pursuing, withdrawing.
A lot can happen.
But to simplify it, expressyour needs, express your
(07:26):
expectations, let your partnerknow what you would like.
This is how I want to be loved.
This is how I want to becelebrated.
This is how I want us tocelebrate Valentine's Day.
Have a conversation around that.
Give your partner the tools towin.
Set them up for success.
That's what I would say.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
That is incredibly good advice.
Just thinking through everyword that you said and how, in
my own relationship there aredefinitely times where it's so
easy to fall into this.
We're like how do you not know?
And we just get so caught up inour own perspective that we
(08:10):
assume the rest of the world hasthat same perspective.
But that perspective has amillion things that make it
different than everyone else's,and I think the most interesting
part of that is how muchstronger we feel that when it's
somebody that we are reallyclose to and connected with.
You know, with a coworkeryou're not nearly as upset if
(08:33):
they're not understanding whatyou're thinking, but with your
partner it's almost like you putthese totally unfair
expectations, like you said, onthem.
How would you recommend goingabout catching yourself or
helping yourself through thatprocess in the moment, If you
feel that emotion welling upwithin yourself of like how
(08:54):
could they do this?
What would you recommend for,like a in the moment strategy or
tactic?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Pause, remove yourself from the situation
because again, um, I love toalways bring science into what
I'm, what I'm sharing.
So when we're feeling triggeredand if that trigger is really
strong and it creates thisphysiological flooding.
So physiological flooding iswhen I want to say something but
(09:23):
no words are coming out.
So my body is in a veryheightened sympathetic state,
heart rate's going up, like youjust feel that it's like the
heat inside getting more andmore.
Science shows us that you knowit takes a minimum of 20 minutes
to regulate yourself, tobalance the nervous system, and
(09:43):
nothing good comes out of thattriggered state.
So when your partner doessomething like, let's say, you
had expectations for flowers andhe shows up with the coffee
let's use that same example of acoffee or a tea and you're
noticing something is coming upand I'm feeling really triggered
.
We know that, okay, the rightway to approach this is saying
(10:08):
this was what my expectation was.
Can you like getting curiouswith each other?
Like tell me what made you getthe coffee?
But in that moment, if you'reangry, these words are not
coming out, you're going tobecome critical, you're going to
attack the person's character.
The problem is no longer theproblem, the problem becomes
that person's character, andthat's a line we don't want to
cross.
Or if we do cross it, we wantto repair it.
(10:29):
But to avoid that, to beproactive in our approach, we
want to pause.
We want to remove ourselvesfrom the situation to help
regulate.
Now in my own relationship it'swe need to take a time out, and
when I say that word, it meansI'm leaving the conversation.
I'm going to go do things thatare going to help me regulate
(10:53):
Glass of cold water, rub icecubes on my neck or on my wrists
, cry, take a shower.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Yeah, these are really good Wow.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Go for a walk.
You know simple things, butreally help us regulate.
Now that I'm feeling regulated,I come back to the conversation
.
Help me understand.
I want to see your perspective.
So do not underestimate thepower of the pause, because we
say stuff in the heat of themoment and it creates ruptures
(11:26):
and of course we can alwaysrepair.
But why get to that point if wecan just remove ourself from
the situation until we can comeback and say it in a kinder,
softer, more curious tone?
Speaker 1 (11:41):
A lot of what you're saying reminds me a lot of the
things that we talked about in aprevious episode, when we
talked about mindfulness, aboutyou know, pausing, about being
in the moment, about I supposeit provides an immediate state
change and kind of snaps you outof that headspace.
(12:10):
I really like that one.
I'm probably going to steal it,if that's okay.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, please, please do, Because you know, when
you're rubbing ice on the backof your neck, that's where your
vagus nerve is.
That's how you activate theparasympathetic, so it's one of
the fastest ways.
If you don't have ice, takelike frozen peas from the
freezer and just put it on yourback and you'll notice.
You'll notice within a coupleof slow, deep breaths, you start
(12:36):
to feel more grounded and atease, and the same happens here
with your wrists.
So or just put your face in thefreezer.
That's powerful too.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
I wanted to touch on something you said earlier.
I didn't want to get, I didn'twant to lose what you were
saying, but it was a smalllittle thing, but it just struck
me.
You said set your partner upfor success.
You know, give them the toolsto succeed.
And I just I thought that waswonderful.
I mean, it's such a goodreminder that, like you're a
(13:09):
team, you're not trying to win.
The point is you want themto-compassion and not just, you
know, shame ourselves for it andthen you go back and repair,
like you said.
But I just I thought that wasgreat.
(13:30):
Are there any other ways thatwe can set our partners up for
success?
Give them the tools, like yousaid.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, definitely so.
You know in your previousepisode with the five languages,
that's a great way to setyourself up and your
relationship, becauserelationship wins, you win.
Exactly as you said, we are ateam.
It's never me versus you, it'sus versus the problem.
Whatever challenge comes, wewill figure it out together.
(14:01):
So five languages is great, fivelove languages this is how I
like to be loved.
So you're kind of letting theperson know, and the whole
premise of the love languages isyou want to love your partner
how they want to be loved, nothow you want to be loved.
So it's like if this personloves quality time, making sure
(14:22):
I do that, even if my lovelanguage is not quality time,
but I want to be, even if mylove language is not quality
time, but I want to beintentional with their love
language.
So you've already covered that.
I love that.
It's a great tool.
So I highly recommend everyoneto go back to that episode and
listen to it for a refresher.
Love languages Another great wayis to really learn how to
(14:43):
express your needs and to bevocal about it and say, like you
know, I feel and this is one ofmy favorite sentences I feel X
when Y happens.
So I feel so loved when youpump the gas for me without me
having to ask, right?
(15:05):
So you're kind of telling theperson when you do this, this is
how I feel.
And guess what?
Everyone inside of them lovesit when they make someone else
happy.
It's just an innate nature ofpeople.
Why?
Because it makes me feel likemy presence matters, right, that
(15:25):
there's value of mine in thisdynamic.
So when you're telling theperson, thank you so much for
doing that, it made me feel soseen.
Or when you do this, I feel thatI've spoken to many men and
they've always told me and I'mspeaking from a woman's
(15:46):
perspective, but I have a lot ofmale clients and they tell me
it's so powerful for them whenthey know what makes them happy,
because it's very simple, like,okay, they've created a formula
, if I do this, she'll be happy,so I'll do more of this, she'll
be happier, and it's like apositive loop that we'll get
into.
So you don't want toovercomplicate things, it's
(16:10):
really just.
You know, when you do X, I feelY and gratitude, appreciation.
We want to step outside ofexpectation and realize that,
the way my partner is showing up, they don't have to do that,
they want to do that, and so Iwant to acknowledge that and I
want to honor that.
(16:31):
And honoring is not submission.
Honoring is the most powerfulthing you can do for your
partner.
I see you, I see what you'redoing for us and I appreciate it
and it makes me feel a certainway, and I want you to know how
that makes me feel.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Wow, yeah, no, just really really great stuff.
So we touched on some reallypowerful things, some tactics,
some overall approaches that wecan take towards our
relationships.
Going into Valentine's Day, butnot everyone is in the midst of
(17:10):
a romantic relationship.
Different people are indifferent seasons of their lives
and for the individuals whomaybe aren't in the middle of a
romantic relationship, I thinkValentine's Day can feel a
little bit daunting, or evenlonely or alienating.
What advice would you give tothose individuals?
Speaker 2 (17:35):
Thank you for asking that and I completely agree with
you.
I think also the way it's beingmarketed like the way
Valentine's Day is beingmarketed plays a big role in
that trigger.
But you know, if we can reframethe way we look at Valentine's
Day, if we can look atValentine's Day as just honoring
the energy of love, now thatcan be love of self, that can be
(17:56):
love of sisterhood orbrotherhood.
You know that, friendships,those safe spaces where you feel
seen, love of community, loveof family, and just leaning into
that energetic frequency oflove.
It's not necessarily aboutromantic love, but it's how can
(18:19):
I tap into that frequency?
How can I cultivate that?
Even in my own life?
One of my favorite things to askmy clients and I love to
remember to do this every day aswell is when I wake up in the
morning and I ask myself how canI make love to my life?
And you know, in a veryromantic way of how can I enjoy
(18:41):
every moment of today?
So when I'm having my coffee, Idon't want to be mindlessly
scrolling, I want to enjoy thatcoffee.
When I'm sitting with mypartner for breakfast, I want to
be present with them.
When I'm at work, I want to befully immersed in that zone of
genius.
For me, that is love.
For me, that is how can I loveevery moment of my life, how can
(19:04):
I bring joy, inject intentionaljoy, and if we can just take
this reminder and apply it tothat specific day as well,
whether we're with our friendsor with ourselves, or with our
family or with our partner, it'snot about the gifts, it's about
how can I inject that energeticfrequency into every second of
(19:27):
that 24 hours and, of course,beyond, but let's specifically
for that day.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Yeah, one day at a time, one step at a time.
We often stereotype love toonly be romantic love and there
are so many other types, likeyou said.
You've got familial love,platonic love, self-love, love
of a hobby or of life, andValentine's Day, like you said.
(19:54):
As you know, the cynical willcall it a Hallmark holiday.
But you know, some of that doeshave an effect because it's
very, very marketed, as this iscouples day, you know, and if
it's really about love, then wecan express that in so many
different ways.
So I've heard you talk aboutthe concept of fighting fair and
(20:22):
I would love to touch on that.
I think it could provide a lotof value to everyone listening.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, fighting fair.
Fighting fair has a lot ofelements.
So you know, when it comes tojust any type of relationship, I
always tell people it's 50% theinner work that you've done, so
it's your past conditioningyour beliefs, your baggage, your
wounds, and it's 50% relationalskills, learning the skills,
(20:52):
and these are not skills that wewere taught in school.
No one told us how tocommunicate, no one told us how
to fight.
If anything, fighting has sucha negative connotation.
Conflict has a negativeconnotation, and if there's a
couple that comes to me and sayswe never fight, that's never a
good sign.
It just means that someone isabandoning their needs,
(21:14):
abandoning themselves, to pleasethe other person.
And so I want to encouragepeople to have arguments.
But how can we have argumentsin a way that feels fair, in a
way that feels respectful?
And even if we cross thatboundary, can we learn how to
repair the art of repairing?
(21:35):
So it's such a big concept but,to summarize it, fighting fear
is a few things.
One, I am going to keep thefocus on the problem and not
make it about you, and that'sone of the four horsemen that
the Gottman Institute talksabout.
(21:56):
So these are the fourcommunication faux pas that you
shouldn't do, because, again,research shows that if we do
engage in them, relationshipwill end most likely in divorce,
especially with the last one,contempt being over 90%
predictor of divorce.
So the first one is criticism.
So, again, the problem is notyou now, the problem is not the
(22:19):
dirty dishes.
The problem is you are a messyperson, you are dirty, you are
selfish, it's very you, you, youoriented.
And guess what, if you keeptelling someone you are this,
you are that, they're going toget defensive, which is the
second horseman.
Now, if I'm getting defensive,I'm going to show up in two ways
Either I'm going to say I'mdirty, you are this.
(22:43):
So now I'm going to becomecritical back to you and we're
going to ping pong until it'sworld war three.
Or I'm going to say going intomartyr mode you don't care about
me, I was doing this all day.
You're going into thatvictimhood.
(23:03):
Consciousness doesn't reallyresolve the problem because you
haven't acknowledged the otherperson's pain or dilemma.
So criticism and defensivenessare two things we want to avoid.
The third one is we brieflytalked about it it's
stonewalling.
So what is stonewalling?
And men tend to stonewall moreit means my body is in a state
(23:28):
of physiological flooding.
I want to say something, butnothing comes out.
And oftentimes, you know, awoman will be like hello, am I
talking to a wall?
Like where are you?
It's not that he's not payingattention, it's just the speed
at which the information came tohim is much faster than he can
(23:48):
process.
And I'm using he because, again, more men experience it.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Yeah, statistically totally.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Yeah, and the reason being is, as women, we've always
been around circles where we'retalking about our emotions.
We're much more familiar withthe process of expressing
emotions because it wasnormalized as kids, whereas it
wasn't normalized for men.
So physiological flooding whenit happens, no matter what you
say, it goes in one ear and goesout the other.
(24:16):
Your partner doesn't have thecapacity to process it in that
moment.
In that moment you need to givethat person a timeout.
If you're noticing themexperiencing that.
You express a timeout If theperson who's experiencing the
physiological flooding, thenalso the onus is on them to say
you know T, or stop or pause,because they know that they
(24:41):
don't have the capacity and thenervous system to continue this
conversation.
So fighting fair is if I see mypartner experiencing that, I'm
going to take a step back.
That's the third one, and thefourth one is contempt, and
contempt is what the GottmanInstitute sees as the biggest
(25:02):
predictor of divorce, and that'swhere there's no more respect
present in the relationship.
There's nonverbal contempt andverbal.
Verbal is sarcasm, belittling.
Were you raised in a barn thatyou're this dirty?
Um, you know what kind offamily were you in this?
like holier than thou attitudeyeah yes, and nonverbal is
(25:29):
rolling your eyes, sig, sighing,smirking at that moment, you
know, and I also want to becreate space for grace because
I've done all four.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
I was going to say everyone does some of these.
Sometimes we're human.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Yes, and you know we all have a go-to horseman, so
it's the one that we tend tograsp for during conflict.
And again, it's because of howwe were conditioned, the
environment we grew up in whereone parent was very critical, we
(26:14):
tend to pick up on thatlanguage.
So you are who you are becauseof what you've been through.
But when you know better, youcan do better.
So knowing these four horsemenis so powerful because awareness
is key.
Like hearing me, oh, maybe mygo-to horseman is defensiveness
Great.
So what's the antidote ofdefensiveness?
It's taking accountability.
I understand.
Let's work on a solutiontogether.
(26:35):
I can understand howfrustrating that is when you
come home and this part of thehouse is a mess.
Let's figure out a way that wecan, you know, figure like, fix
it together, solve it together.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Like you said, us versus the problem solve it
together.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Like you said, us versus the problem.
Yes, us versus the problemAgain.
Oh, I noticed that I, you know,my go-to is stonewalling.
Okay, maybe I need to figureout a sign language that I can
tell my partner to go for apause.
If my go-to is criticism, Ineed to learn how to express
myself without attacking thecharacter.
So, hey, when I come home andthe dishes are unwashed, I feel
(27:16):
so anxious.
Can we figure out a solution?
So this is fighting fear.
Fighting fear is recognizingwhat your go-to horseman is,
learning the antidote andpracticing it and practicing
methods of repair.
So that when I messed up, hey,I noticed I was really critical
early on with you.
I want to apologize.
(27:38):
Can we try this conversationagain?
Accountability is one of thesexiest traits that any partner
can bring with them into arelationship.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
Wow, the way you laid it out is just so good.
There were so many differentthings that were going off in my
head as I was hearing all ofthat.
Often, two people think thatthey're communicating, but
really neither of them actuallygot across what they were trying
to say.
So did a communication trulytake place if neither of them
(28:10):
accomplished it?
I noticed how clearly youbrought up the you statements
and then you kind of subtlyshowed in your example I
statements.
I feel this way, when you know,and how that subtle shift made
such a big difference in itbrain on this, one I've been
trying to use and I've seen somepretty good success with I
(28:39):
actually got it from Brene Brownwas, instead of saying you're
doing this, if I catch myselfjumping to a conclusion saying
either an I statement or thestory I'm telling myself is that
you are upset with me aboutthis.
Do you feel that that's helpful?
Should I tweak it a little bit?
Is that a helpful approach?
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Thank you, david, for sharing that Such a good
approach, because it's ourstories of each other that are
in the playing field.
Right, the story I'm tellingmyself?
This is how I'm perceiving it.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
This is how I'm understandingit, and I want to use an example
related to Valentine's Day.
(29:20):
If you have this belief again,everything goes back to beliefs.
If I have a belief that ifsomeone loves you, they'll spend
money on you, okay, this is abelief that I have my partner
comes and says oh, I planned apicnic for us.
Okay, so, because they have abelief that when you love
someone, you plan experiencesfor them.
(29:41):
So these are two differentbeliefs that are coming into a
relationship, very, very common.
Now, in that moment, it wouldmake the world of a difference
if one partner goes.
Listen, the story I'm making upin my mind is you don't love me.
That's why you didn't get me anexpensive gift.
Help me understand, tell memore about your beliefs, show me
(30:06):
what was your thought process.
And again, we're being verycurious.
It's like you know, the wholepoint of a relationship is every
single day, you want to set anintention, to get to know the
internal state of your partner.
What's going on in their mind.
Your sentence was so powerfulLike.
This is the story I'm makingand guess what the partner is
going to be like?
No, no, no, that's not at all.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
In fact, I thought if I do this experience?
Speaker 2 (30:32):
you know, I thought if I do this experience, you're
going to think I love you more.
It's more thoughtful thanbuying you a gift.
Oh great, yes, but I actuallyvalue gifts.
I love that.
What can we do to meet eachother halfway?
Maybe for Valentine's Day wecould do material stuff, and
then maybe for our anniversarywe can do experiences.
This is compromise, but you arenot going to get to that point
(30:55):
unless you have that veryvulnerable.
Share of this is the story thatis in my mind.
Correct me if I'm wrong, helpme understand.
So thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Okay, so I'm going to flip it around on myself,
because I shared something thatI thought would be helpful, but
I wanted to see if you had anyyou know tweaks or feedback, so
I'm glad that that's a good one.
I'll keep using it.
I think sometimes I havetrouble letting something go,
(31:55):
not like from an angrystandpoint, but just like I feel
what it needs to be as a resultof this drive, and it's
something I'd like to work on.
(32:21):
And oftentimes you know there'scontext for everything but
oftentimes, when we have a hardtime letting something go, it's
because we don't feel heard forwhy we feel the way we feel.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Yeah, that's yep.
I want to feel heard, I want tofeel validated.
And here is the nuance it'speople think if I validate you,
it means I agree with you.
No, you can validate someoneand not agree with them, that's
okay.
I see you the way you want tobe seen.
I hear you the way you want tobe heard.
(32:54):
Tell me more about that.
Tell me more about yourexperience.
Right, and I understand why youfeel the way you feel Doesn't
mean I agree with it, but Iunderstand it.
And just you know, when someonefeels understood that hey, I'm
not crazy for feeling this wayor there's not something wrong
(33:15):
with me for feeling this way,then I have more willingness,
more openness to moving forwardfrom it.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
But if I feel judged, judgment keeps us stuck usually
, Okay, that makes a lot ofsense and, for the record,
hannah is a very good listener.
It's not so much there.
I think I just need to do abetter job of embracing the
difference between understandingand agreement.
(33:49):
And I think just that subtlemindset shift would definitely
help me let go, because I thinkthere are times where she
understands and I am not makingthat distinction.
So, um, thank you, I appreciatethat there was.
There was some really goodinsight there.
Um, I noticed you were talkingabout the nervous system a good
(34:10):
amount before, especially withthe Ice Cube hack and the vagus
nerve, and I'd like to dive intothat a little more.
How would you say that nervoussystem and regulation of it or
how it overall works, plays intoour relationships?
Do you feel that it's a majoraspect or do you feel that it's
(34:32):
not that related?
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Nervous system regulation is the foundation of
every relationship you have withevery area of your life from
money.
So the amount of money thatshows up in your life equates to
how safe your body feelsreceiving that amount Meaning
the more Interesting.
(34:57):
I need to feel safe to receivethat.
Sometimes people think likesometimes we're scared of our
wishes coming true because wedon't know how we're going to
respond to it.
Will this amount feel safe?
And remember, anything that'sunfamiliar does not feel safe to
our body.
That's why we repeat unhealthypatterns in relationships and
(35:22):
unhealthy habits.
It's familiar, but familiardoesn't always mean good.
So with money, it's how muchfeels safe for me to hold, for
me to have?
Or do I think that if I get alot of money, people are going
to use me?
You know I'm going to change mycharacter, all these different
(35:43):
beliefs that we might have.
So even with money, it's theroot of it.
But with relationships, thereason is, the foundation of it
is I cannot be myself if I'mdysregulated.
I cannot be graceful as much asI'd like to be, I cannot be
compassionate as much as I'dlike to be, and in conflict I
(36:04):
literally cannot hear anything.
So again, there's so muchresearch on when someone is
dysregulated, when you'respeaking to them, they cannot
process it.
The part of their brain thatprocesses information shuts down
.
So I can't communicate, wecan't have conflict resolution
and that's more and moreruptures happening.
(36:26):
So that's in terms ofrelationship with someone else.
Same applies with yourcoworkers.
You know, when you're in likethat stressed out mood, I notice
it.
I'm like when I'm in thatfrustrated, dysregulated state,
someone breathes loud next to me.
I'm like staring at them.
I'm like why are you breathing?
So it really does impact ourcapacity, our window of
(36:51):
tolerance.
So our window of tolerance isour ability to handle challenges
.
The smaller it gets, the lesswe're able to navigate it and
handle it.
And again, window of tolerancebecomes smaller.
The more dysregulated we are,the less proactive we are with
(37:14):
regulation work.
So think of it this way themore you work on nervous system
regulation, the more proactiveyou become with it.
So, just reminding yourselftake slow, deep breaths
throughout the day, do sometapping, do some grounding, do
some shaking, some grounding, dosome shaking.
(37:35):
Regulate yourself, the moreyou're able to navigate life's
inevitable challenges with alittle bit more grace, with a
little bit more ease.
So it really does impact everyarea of your life.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
I'm just kind of reflecting.
We've talked about this conceptof filling up your inner cup so
that you can some of thepositive psychology six human
needs mindfulness but it soundslike nervous system regulation
(38:18):
is really a big one for that.
If you don't have your nervoussystem under that regulation,
it's very hard to show up forother people.
Very hard to show up for otherpeople Because, like you said,
certain parts of your brain areliterally turned off during that
, making you not show up in theway that you wish you would in
those situations, givenhindsight, 2020.
(38:40):
And I know it's been talkedabout more recently in the
public, but I still feel thatthat is really an
underappreciated and undertalked about issue, especially
because and not that we're goingto get super deep into that but
trauma can have a huge effecton your nervous system.
(39:04):
Yes, and many of us have capitalT, like big T trauma and little
t traumas, and those all haveeffects on our nervous system
that often make us, like yousaid, act in ways that aren't
how we want to, and a lot oftimes, those things can explain
why you're like why did theyjust do that?
That makes no sense.
Well, you don't know what elsehappened in their life that you
(39:26):
know causes them to react thatway in that specific situation.
Life that you know causes themto react that way in that
specific situation.
Getting a little off topic here, but I just really wanted to
hammer home that, like you and Iagree wholeheartedly on this
one that nervous systemregulation is such a huge factor
(39:47):
.
At different points in theconversation we've talked about
expressing our needs, so I kindof want to touch on that for a
little bit, if you're cool withit.
How does the topic ofvulnerability, especially in the
context of a relationship witha partner, relate to getting
(40:10):
your needs met, and are thereimportant things people should
know about how or when and ifyou should share your needs with
your partner?
Speaker 2 (40:24):
Loved.
If Relational safety is thenumber one prerequisite for
vulnerability, meaning I feelsafe to share, knowing that what
I share you will not useagainst me in the future.
So this is so important and thebody is so wise.
(40:47):
Pay attention to how your bodyfeels in that moment.
Do you notice yourself?
You know closing your hands.
Do you notice your shoulders?
You know being hunched?
Because you will feel if youfeel safe with this person or
not.
Right Again, body is thesmartest entity to go.
(41:09):
Right again, body is thesmartest entity to go, although
sometimes the body can.
You know, the body holds score,so previous trauma can manifest
in different ways.
So, yes, there are exceptions,but generally speaking, body is
smart.
So pay attention to how yourbody is feeling with that person
.
Do I feel safe with this person?
Do I feel emotionally safe?
Meaning, is this person anonjudgmental person?
(41:31):
When I've shared with thembefore, have they been receptive
to receiving it?
Because if I keep sharing andyou keep pushing it off, I'm not
going to want to share anymore,because my sharing is not
understood, is not valued, isnot seen.
So relational safety is key.
Ask yourself do I feel safe Now?
(41:52):
If I feel safe, when is when weboth have the capacity and the
time.
This is really important.
People think just because theirpartner has time, it means that
they have the capacity to hearyou out.
So just ask like, hey, do youhave the capacity right now to
have a serious conversation?
Or hey, I want to talk to youabout something.
(42:14):
When is a right time?
When is a good time for you?
I have a lot on my platetonight.
Do you want to grab lunchtomorrow?
Do you want to talk over dinner?
So really asking that person,getting an invitation to when
you want to share.
We don't want to just dump onour partners, because if your
partner had a really shitty dayat work and they come home and
(42:38):
you dump it on them becausethey've had a shitty day at work
, they might snap at you rightand they're like, ah, or they
might respond in a different way.
Now, in that moment you feelthat this person doesn't care
for me, they don't love therelationship, they're not
invested.
Now there's a rupture from bothends and it kind of turns into
(43:00):
a lose-lose situation.
But if the partner comes homeand you're like, hey, honey, can
we talk about something?
They're like I had a reallyshitty day at work, can we do
this tomorrow?
That's how you're settingyourself up for success.
You're setting each other upfor success, yourself and the
relationship.
So that's the when and then thehow.
Again we go back to the Ilanguage.
(43:22):
I feel this way.
I feel so seen, I feel sovalued, I feel so appreciated
when you do that, can we have alittle bit more of that?
So, like when you plan datenights, I feel so valued.
(43:42):
Can you schedule some more ofthat for us, please?
That versus you don't careabout me.
You never plan anything.
You don't love me Because yousay that the person's like no, I
do love you, but now I'mgetting defensive.
Nothing I do for you is enough.
I give up.
So language is so powerful.
(44:04):
And two things I would sayavoid when expressing your needs
, two words that are like justthrow it out of your vocabulary
always, ever.
Speaker 1 (44:16):
Yeah, infinitives.
Speaker 2 (44:19):
You always do this.
They're going to remember theone time they didn't do it.
I always do that.
Do not remember that, or younever do this.
They're going to remember thetime they did do it.
You're not grateful, don't youremember X, y and Z?
Speaker 1 (44:33):
Every time that I, yeah, no, dangerous.
Speaker 2 (44:35):
Dangerous.
Stay away from those two words.
Speaker 1 (44:38):
We talk a lot about shades of gray on this podcast.
I have these kind of five corefundamentals.
Not that I'm going to gothrough all of them, but that is
a big part of them because ithelps you see things with
balance.
It helps you have someflexibility and not see things
in extremes and infinitivesforce you into an extreme, even
(44:59):
if that's not how it actually is.
So I want to point out a nuance.
You made a very cleardistinction between the I and
the you again, and it was verypowerful.
But it wasn't just the switchof the I and the you.
I noticed that you actuallyswitched from pointing out the
lack, because you could alwayssay I feel underappreciated when
(45:26):
this doesn't happen.
I noticed that you reframed itto getting the same point across
, but with a positive, with theI statement.
When this happens, I feelappreciated, which is trying to
incentivize more of the goodthing as opposed to bringing
down the hammer on the bad thingand shaming the person, because
(45:49):
shame is often a prettyterrible long-term motivator.
If somebody feels like crapabout themselves, they don't
have a lot of mental energy togo do the things, and I've just
had light bulb after light bulb.
Having this conversation withyou has just been fantastic.
I have learned so much Everyonelistening to this.
(46:11):
There is so much value.
If you didn't get it all, goback and listen to this one
again.
You have just been wonderfulthroughout this whole podcast.
But I want to touch on a couplethings.
You actually have your ownpodcast.
It's called Minutes on Growth,right, and that's been around
for far longer than we've beenaround here at the sage
(46:32):
solutions podcast 2017.
So well, pre-pandemic, um.
So yeah, you are a verywell-established podcast with uh
community around it and, um, doyou have anything else you
would like to share?
Any, any nuggets of wisdom orlike small, little specific
(46:53):
things for Valentine's Dayspecifically?
Speaker 2 (46:57):
Okay.
So one thing I would like tosay is really over.
You know well two things.
One is set boundaries foryourself around social media,
because what you see on socialmedia isn't necessarily you know
the true experience of whatyou're seeing.
Speaker 1 (47:15):
Yeah, so set some boundaries around that.
Speaker 2 (47:18):
Just remind yourself that you know, not everything
you see is exactly as it is.
So and don't, because you know,when we go on social media, the
inner critic creates somecomparisons which then, you know
, negative thoughts lead tonegative feelings, negative
feelings lead to negativeactions and this loop kind of
continues.
So have those boundaries andreally just spend some time with
(47:41):
your inner child.
Even if you're in arelationship, like every day I
like to ask myself what do youwant to do Like?
What do you want right now?
What do you want to do Likewhat do you want right now?
What do you want to eat?
Just kind of really cultivatinga strong connection with
yourself.
Because again, as cliche as itsounds, the relationship you
(48:01):
have with yourself is thefoundation of the relationship
you have with others, and therelationship you have with your
nervous system is a foundationof the relationship you have
with yourself.
Relationship you have with yournervous system is a foundation
of the relationship you havewith yourself.
Speaker 1 (48:12):
So it's like you know the Russian dolls.
You pull one out and there'sanother one inside of it.
Speaker 2 (48:15):
It all comes around, yeah, just taking some time this
week.
You know, it's self-care isn'tjust bubble baths.
It's you sitting down andtaking slow, deep breaths.
It's you putting your feet ongrass.
If you're somewhere that's warm, it's you drinking water.
It's you splashing cold wateron your face.
It's these small moments, it'snot the grand gestures and I
(48:41):
think I could link this toValentine's Day as well.
The health of a relationship isnot determined by the big like
grand gestures, right?
Those like once-a-year gestures.
No, it's accumulation of thesmall, consistent gestures.
(49:02):
It's the same with ourself.
We don't suddenly heal andchange by going to, you know,
that one class or reading thatone book.
It's that accumulation, thatconsistent action and effort
that we put into ourselves.
So I know the marketing ofViolent High Stay wants you to
(49:26):
focus on that one big gesture.
But notice the small ways yourpartner is showing up for you,
that you are showing up for you,that your friends are showing
up for you.
Show appreciation and cultivatethose.
It's a better investment in thelong term if you focus on the
small gestures, consistentgestures.
Speaker 1 (49:47):
No, that makes a lot of sense.
So for that day too, you knowyou might have a bigger thing
planned, but don't only focus onthat bigger thing Throughout
the day.
Send those little texts, thoselittle reminders.
Do little things touch allthose different love languages.
That makes a lot of sense andthe consistency that is so big.
(50:07):
Don't just immediately drop allof that the day after
Valentine's Day and have it notmean anything.
So I have two more questionsfor you.
First of all, do you have anyquestions for me before we wrap
it up here?
Speaker 2 (50:22):
So, since it's Valentine's Day, and I know how
much you honor your wife, I'dlove for you to share with us
one thing that you're gratefulfor in your marriage.
Speaker 1 (50:36):
I am grateful that I get to spend every day with my
best friend, with somebody thatmakes me feel so loved and who
is just so fun to just do sillythings with it's not always
about the serious stuff.
(50:57):
I am so grateful that I canjust be a goofball with her and
that she feels safe enough to dothe same with me.
I've got to say that'ssomething I'm incredibly
grateful for.
I've got to say that'ssomething I'm incredibly
grateful for.
Speaker 2 (51:11):
I love that, the safety you touched on,
relational safety.
You touched on acceptance.
You touched on, you know,feeling comfortable being
yourself.
The other person Touched on somany of those elements.
I love that.
Thank you for sharing.
Speaker 1 (51:27):
Yeah, no, thank you.
So, Tanaz, you do relationshipcoaching.
You do a lot of different stuff.
I heard eBooks.
Where can somebody find you?
Where can somebody connect withyou if they were interested in
maybe looking into some of yourservices or some of the material
that you produce, or yourpodcast?
How can people connect with you?
Speaker 2 (51:49):
Thanks for asking so everywhere on Minutes on Growth.
So website isminutesongrowthcom, instagram,
tiktok all of those are Minuteson Growth.
If you go on my website,there's an ebook on 11 Tools for
Nervous System Regulation.
They're simple, reallypractical tools that you can try
out, see what works for you,you know, create your toolbox,
(52:16):
put all of these differentmodalities and tools in there so
you're always prepared and youcan reach out for the one that
resonates most in that moment oftrigger.
So I have that ebook.
Podcast is the same and, yeah,just all platforms minutes on
growth and you know, feel free,DM me.
I love connecting with people,hearing their stories, and I
(52:37):
hope the content serves you andreally enables you to build
healthier relationships, becausethe Harvard research shows that
our experience of reality ismost impacted by the quality of
our relationships.
So we can create betterrelationships.
We can enjoy life more.
We can be better friends.
We can be better partners.
(52:58):
We can be better.
You know siblings and childrenand parents and everything.
Speaker 1 (53:06):
Well, thank you for coming on today and sharing so
much free value right before atime of love and connection with
our loved ones.
It's been a real pleasurehaving you on.
Thank you once again, Taniz.
Speaker 2 (53:20):
Thank you, David.
Speaker 1 (53:23):
And remember you are enough and you deserve to fill
up your inner cup with happiness, confidence and self-compassion
.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad you choose to learn and
(53:46):
grow here with me.
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
miss out on more sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
(54:09):
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed.
It is not intended as asubstitute for the personalized
advice of a physician,professional coach,
psychotherapist or otherqualified professional.
The opinions of guests aretheir own and may not
necessarily reflect the opinionsof the podcast.
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