May 6, 2025 • 22 mins
Ever wonder how all those personal growth concepts actually fit together? In this illuminating episode, I'm connecting the dots between the key topics we've explored in the holiday months, revealing how they form a powerful framework for becoming your best self.
I start by unpacking the importance of social skills and relationships, explaining why success and fulfillment inevitably require working effectively with others. Whether you're an introvert or extrovert, we're all hardwired for connection—it's literally in our DNA. The magic happens when we develop genuine interest in others, practice vulnerability at appropriate times, and maintain healthy boundaries. I share practical approaches for navigating difficult relationships while protecting your energy.
Diving deeper, I revisit my conversation with relationship expert Tanez Hosimpour on the "holy grail" of relationship dynamics. We explore how nervous system regulation affects our interactions, the power of small consistent acts over grand gestures, and Gottman's four horsemen that predict relationship destruction: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Understanding these patterns is transformative for every relationship in your life.
The latter half tackles discipline, grit, and goal achievement. Grit—that magical combination of discipline, perseverance, and patience—functions like a super-muscle that strengthens with use. I outline a practical approach to building this quality: thinking systematically, reflecting thoughtfully, setting clear intentions, and taking massive action. When obstacles inevitably arise, stoic principles help us maintain perspective and focus on what we can control. The result? A compound effect of personal growth that builds momentum over time.
No matter where you are on your journey, these interconnected concepts provide a roadmap to greater confidence, fulfillment, and self-compassion. Ready to see how these pieces fit together in your own life? Listen now, subscribe, and share this episode with someone who's working to improve their life.
We would love to hear your feedback! Click here to tell us what you think.
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The Sage Solutions Podcast and content posted by David Sage is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. No coaching client relationship is formed by listening to this podcast. No Legal, Medical or Financial advice is being given. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a psychotherapist, physician, professional coach, Lawyer or other qualified professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I ama self-worth and confidence
coach with Sage CoachingSolutions.
Several episodes ago, we did anepisode that reflected on a
(00:25):
number of the differentfoundational concepts that we
covered at the start of thispodcast, and today I'm kind of
doing the second half of that bycovering the next set of
episodes and going back toreflect on, clarify, talk about
how some of them combine and,just overall, double down on
(00:46):
some of these important conceptsthat we talked about.
But before we get into it, ourgoal with this podcast is to
share free, helpful tools withyou and anyone you know who is
looking to improve their life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
(01:09):
Many of the episodes that we'retalking about today happened
during a seasonal stretch rightaround the holidays, and we
shaped a number of thosedifferent episodes around the
fact that they were occurringduring the holidays and
therefore we gave them someseasonal holiday influences and
made them relevant to the timeframe that they were happening.
(01:31):
But I think it's important thatwe clarify all of those topics
are relevant all year round,even reflections, intentions and
New Year's resolutions.
Whether it be discipline duringthe holidays, unwrapping
expectations, how to win familyand deal with difficult people
(01:53):
all of these things come up allyear round.
They might just be a little bitmore elevated during the
holidays, so I figured it wouldbe helpful to extract some of
these topics from that holidaycontext and talk about how they
interlap with a number of theother topics that we've talked
about in this podcast.
So let's start with socialdynamics and relationships.
(02:14):
My episode, how to Win Familyand Deal with Difficult People,
is really just a play on thetitle of Dale Carnegie's seminal
book how to Win Friends andInfluence People, and I drew
heavily from that book for thatepisode, as well as several
other books, but also a lot ofmy own personal experience and
(02:38):
the things that I teach myclients.
Oftentimes, but not always,people who are severely lacking
self-esteem commonly lack socialskills because they didn't have
the confidence to go out andbuild them up in the first place
.
So it's pretty common that Ialso work with them on their
social skills as they'rebuilding up their confidence.
This helps prevent them fromcoming off as obnoxious or
(03:01):
missing the social cues that canmake confident people come off
as annoying.
But in order to do this, youhave to actually start changing
your philosophy or your way ofthinking about social
interactions.
We're all social animals.
A large reason why humans arethe dominant species on the
(03:22):
planet is because we developedlanguage and the ability to
communicate, cooperate, trade,barter and specialize.
The development of languageallowed us to communicate more
complex ideas than many of theother animals, or even hominids,
that were on the planet beforeus.
But what does that mean for now?
(03:43):
What it means is that we arehardwired to be social, whether
you're an introvert or anextrovert.
Pure, 100% social isolation isnot good for you.
We all need people in our livesand our society would not
function without the complexsocial ties and cooperation and
(04:03):
specialization that come fromour modern times.
Like it or not, you exist inthe world with other people.
If you want to succeed in thisworld, you have to learn how to
work with other people.
It's really one of thefoundations of maturity.
A two-year-old is really justtrying to get their own needs
met and doesn't care that muchabout others.
(04:25):
They're primarily at the whimsof their impulses.
But as we mature, we getsocialized.
We understand that pure egoismjust trying to get our needs met
and not caring about or eventhinking about other people at
all tends to get us sociallyostracized.
We don't succeed very well inthis hyper-social world if we
(04:47):
can't work with other people.
In the grand scheme of things,if you want to get your needs
met and have a good life, youhave to be able to work with
other people.
It's just the reality that welive in.
Psychopaths who don't care aboutother people really at all and
I'm talking about clinicallydiagnosed psychopaths often
(05:08):
still find ways to use people ormake people happy, because even
they understand to some degreethat it helps them get what they
need.
In fact, social isolation isstill a punishment for a
psychopath, which is kind ofcrazy.
It's so ingrained in ourpsychology that it's still a
punishment to them to besocially isolated.
(05:30):
Now I understand that I've wentoff on a tangent here.
What does this have to do withanything?
It's just the backdrop to saythat we all need to accept and
optimize for being in a socialworld and frankly I'm assuming
just about everyone listening tothis podcast is not a
psychopath.
If you're not a psychopath, youcare about other people
(05:52):
Rightfully so you should.
It's part of our inherentmorals and it's good to care
about other people, not just foryourself but because it's the
right thing to do.
But I think if you're going tobe good with people, you have to
become genuinely interested inthem and their well-being.
You have to actually care abouthow you make them feel.
Talk about things that they'reinterested in, listen to them
(06:16):
actively, ask real questions.
And when you foster this skill,which we build like a muscle,
of genuinely caring about otherpeople and genuinely taking an
interest in other people, youwill find that your social
interactions go so much better.
And one of the best ways for usto embrace this is by being of
(06:37):
service to other people, butfostering the skill of
hospitality, meaning if you careabout somebody, you should also
care about the way that youmake them feel right.
You want to treat them withhospitality.
If you like somebody, take careof them, care about them, go
out of your way to do nicethings for them, think about how
(06:59):
your actions and your wordswill make them feel.
I'm not saying this from amanipulative sense.
I'm saying genuinely want tomake people feel good.
Being good socially is making apositive impact in other
people's lives, and you canlearn skills to help do that.
It's not about influence.
It's not about getting ahead.
(07:21):
Those are actually just sideeffects of being a good person
and practicing your socialskills and, frankly, generating
more influence, if you're usingit for good, is a good thing.
But it's not all just about theway that you make people feel
or the social skills that youuse with people.
(07:41):
If you really want to connectwith somebody, you're going to
have to be vulnerable.
People connect when they feelsimilar.
Trying to be perfect whennobody is perfect doesn't
connect you to other people.
In fact, it makes you seem tooperfect.
It makes you alienated fromthem.
Now, vulnerability isn'tcomfortable.
(08:03):
It takes courage.
But if you really want toconnect with other people,
you'll have to use somevulnerability Now.
This is where we develop oursocial intelligence and social
awareness so that we use theright amount of vulnerability in
the right proportions at theright time.
We don't want to emotionallyunload on people.
(08:26):
We want to show vulnerabilityprogressively, at the pace that
feels right, as a relationshipgrows.
Not every social interactionyou're going to have is going to
be this light, fluffy thing.
Sometimes you're going to haveto deal with difficult people
and in those situations it'sbest to protect your own energy,
(08:46):
not necessarily by leaving thatinteraction, but by focusing on
your locus of control.
And another way is by loweringyour expectations of other
people so that you don't getfrustrated with them for not
meeting them.
Let them live their lives.
You don't have to control them,just let go.
Set boundaries where necessary,but boundaries are to protect
(09:09):
you, not to punish them.
But how do expectations andboundaries interlock?
Well, it's not always going towork out perfect.
You're going to have to giveyourself some grace here and
find some shades of gray.
But ideally you want toeliminate your expectations as
much as possible in yourinteractions with other people,
(09:30):
while maintaining or holdingyour own boundaries or standards
for yourself.
A boundary isn't putting abunch of expectations on others,
but holding standards foryourself.
You can hope for yourinteractions with people to go
in a very positive light withoutexpecting it, while holding
(09:51):
boundaries to not let peopletake advantage of or walk all
over you.
Now back on the positive sideof interactions.
Another way to make people feelgenuinely cared for is by using
the five love languages.
Now, this tends to apply morein romantic relationships, but
(10:12):
understanding people's lovelanguages can help you make them
feel loved.
Not all love is about romanticlove.
Familial love matters too, loveof a friend.
Give that friend a high five ora hug when you greet them if
you know their love language isphysical touch.
But you have to keep thatsocial awareness of what's
(10:34):
socially acceptable and what'snot for different types of
relationships.
One of the best things you cando is work on your social skills
while taking this genuineinterest in other people.
Understand your own lovelanguages and try to understand
the love languages of others.
And, frankly, we got the holygrail of relationships in our
(10:55):
episode with Tanez Hosimpour.
We talked about a myriad ofdifferent things, including
concepts like us versus theproblem and fighting fair in a
relationship, whether it's afriendship or a relationship
don't take those low blows andwhenever you can, try not to
view it as a combative thing.
(11:16):
You're both probably justfrustrated.
As she said, oftentimes ournervous systems get dysregulated
and then we're not showing upas who we intend to be, and if
you and your friend or you andyour spouse are both having this
interaction with dysregulatednervous systems, you're doing
yourself a huge disservice.
(11:36):
She also talked about how it'simportant to use forgiveness and
to repair when you don't showup the way that you mean to in
any form of relationship,oftentimes because your nervous
system was dysregulated In someways.
With the people that we'reclosest to, we're able to be the
most open and the mostvulnerable and the most honest
(11:59):
with them, but this can lead tosaying or doing things that are
even more hurtful, and we bothcare more about what they think
and they care more about what wethink than someone that we're
not as close with.
We talked about the importanceof the stories that we tell
ourselves and how oftentimes,when we're upset with someone,
it's actually just because we'retelling ourselves a story about
(12:22):
how they feel or what theirintentions were.
She talked about the smallmoments of gratitude and doing
things to show people that youcare about them in small,
consistent ways are often whatmakes the big difference in a
relationship as opposed to thebig grand gestures.
One of the other things that wediscussed was John Gottman's
(12:44):
four horsemen criticism,defensiveness, stonewalling and
contempt.
These behaviors are destructiveand very often lead to the
demise of a relationship.
Now listen, don't freak out andthink, oh my gosh, I've done
these in X relationship.
We're all human and we all dothem sometimes.
(13:05):
It's okay, but we want to indexagainst these things.
Criticizing people almostalways gets them defensive.
So two of these directly goagainst each other.
We need to, whenever possible,avoid criticism of people that
we want to have strongrelationships with, and, on the
(13:25):
flip side, it's generally bestto avoid defensiveness whenever
possible.
Assume positive intent Rememberit might just be the story that
we're telling ourselves and,whenever possible, try not to
take things personally.
Now the other two— stonewalling, which can make one person
(13:46):
freeze up.
The person who is stonewallingis having a very unpleasant
experience, and the person whois being stonewalled is feeling
completely neglected, unheardand ignored.
The dichotomy of this situationon both sides can be very
destructive to relationships.
If the stonewalling person cantry to communicate that they are
(14:09):
freezing up and that they needtime.
And then, of course, the personwho is being stonewalled must
give the person who is freezingup the space to take some time
and re-regulate their nervoussystem to get to a point where
they can talk again.
This can undo a huge portion ofthe damage done by stonewalling
(14:29):
.
And the last one, the mostdestructive of the four horsemen
contempt.
The feeling of contempt towardsanother individual is often
like the vultures circling thedying animal.
Let me take a pause here to usea caveat it is very hard to
fully control your feelings andif you're going to shame and
(14:52):
beat yourself up for having thefeeling of contempt, that is
probably just going to fuel moreof it.
But catch yourself if you arefeeling contempt, especially if
you're going to wallow in anddwell on and fester in contempt
at someone.
You don't want to sit therewith that relationship.
(15:14):
If it's a relationship you careabout, we need to take a pause.
Recognize that we're tellingourself a story.
Reframe, get our nervous systemunder regulation.
Do whatever you need to do.
Get our nervous system underregulation.
Do whatever you need to do.
Change your state, have aconversation, take a breath,
come back to the present moment.
(15:34):
Use the mindful approach,curiosity and non-judgment.
Show them some compassion.
Maybe have some empathy.
Do whatever you need to do tonot allow that resentment to
just build and fester and grow,because having interactions
(15:54):
where you're thinking about howmuch contempt you have for that
person is almost never going togo well.
Two more topics that we coveredduring the holidays through this
seasonal lens were maintainingdiscipline during the holidays.
Through this seasonal lens,we're maintaining discipline
during the holidays, andreflections, intentions and New
Year's resolutions.
I'm going to start here.
(16:15):
Life is like a muscle, so buildit, or, even better, build grit
.
The ultimate super muscle thatwe can use to improve our lives
is to become grittier.
It's the number one predictorof success.
It combines discipline,self-control, patience,
(16:37):
perseverance, consistency andpersistence.
It's persevering when thingsget hard.
It's staying consistent andpersistent even when you don't
feel like doing it, or usingdiscipline and self-control,
having patience to do it overthe long haul.
And taking action even when youdon't feel like it.
(16:59):
And all of these sub-skillsthat make up grit can be built
just like a muscle over time.
The more you use them, thestronger they get.
And just like a muscle overtime, it's use it or lose it.
So this is where we combine aseries of different, a series of
(17:20):
the different topics that wetalked about and, surprisingly
enough, I'm going to start withthink like a lawyer.
Understand what you're trying todo.
Learn the system so that youcan work within it.
Understand its weak points, itsstrong points, its intricacies,
so that it becomes secondnature to you.
Don't overthink it.
(17:42):
Take a little time tounderstand it and then take
action.
Lawyers have a lot of work todo.
They don't have time to justponder and sit.
They Lawyers have a lot of workto do.
They don't have time to justponder and sit.
They learn the law so that theycan work within the law.
Next, reflect on where you're atand where the situation or
whatever you're trying toaccomplish is at.
Figure out your intentions andset a resolution or a goal.
(18:04):
We talked about SMART goals.
Set a resolution or a goal.
We talked about SMART goals,which I'm not going to get into
here.
It's an acronym for settinggood, achievable goals that have
a deadline.
Now that you've laid thegroundwork and I want to be
clear don't take too much timedoing this.
This is just getting anunderstanding for a large goal,
(18:24):
not for taking a simple actionThen we're going to start taking
all-out, massive action.
We're going to start buildingthese muscles like discipline
and persistence to keep going,by having patience and
understanding that it's aboutthe slight edge.
How we're going to have acompound effect by doing things
(18:46):
consistently over time andbuilding these skills and
eventually they become habits,making it easier and easier and
requiring less discipline, whichmeans we can now shift our
discipline to other areas and asour discipline gets stronger
and we keep accumulating betterhabits, so now we have a
stronger discipline muscle touse towards other areas and
(19:09):
eventually we're building all ofthese peripheral muscles that
build the super compound musclegrit, because we took a little
bit of time to understand thelandscape and the system and the
person being us who's trying toaccomplish it before
immediately going at a largergoal and actually setting a goal
so that we have something tostrive towards.
(19:31):
We've removed a lot of theobstacles that are in our way,
but inevitably obstacles arestill going to come up, and this
is where we can use stoicism.
Let the obstacles motivate you.
Do hard things, because hardthings are worth doing.
Don't get too caught up in youremotions over the obstacles
(19:51):
that come in your way.
We can use some of the stoicprinciples that also happen to
be two of my core fundamentalsFocus on your locus of control.
Stop worrying about the thingsthat are out of your control,
like most obstacles, and figureout what we can do about them,
as well as take control of yourconscious perspective of reality
(20:14):
.
The way that you perceive theworld changes the way you
experience it.
By taking control of the areawhere we have the most agency
our perspective we can see ourchallenges in a whole different
light when we apply these stoicmindset changes to this
compounding grit filled roadmap,to our goal, which is
(20:37):
ever-changing and flexible, tomake sure that we can achieve it
and pivot as needed, we cansimultaneously build up the
muscles of our life and achievethe goals that we want.
We've talked about and blendedtogether a bunch of different
topics today in this reflectionon past episodes, primarily
(20:59):
highlighting some of our holidayepisodes.
Hopefully the synthesis of allthese different topics has
helped bring some clarity intohow they all fit together and
remember you are enough and youdeserve to fill up your inner
(21:20):
cup with happiness, confidenceand self-compassion.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast,
(21:41):
confidence and self-compassion.
Don't forget to subscribe soyou don't miss out on more sage
advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed.
(22:03):
It is not intended as asubstitute for the personalized
advice of a physician,professional coach,
psychotherapist or otherqualified professional.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I ama self-worth and confidence
coach with Sage CoachingSolutions.
Several episodes ago, we did anepisode that reflected on a
(00:25):
number of the differentfoundational concepts that we
covered at the start of thispodcast, and today I'm kind of
doing the second half of that bycovering the next set of
episodes and going back toreflect on, clarify, talk about
how some of them combine and,just overall, double down on
(00:46):
some of these important conceptsthat we talked about.
But before we get into it, ourgoal with this podcast is to
share free, helpful tools withyou and anyone you know who is
looking to improve their life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
(01:09):
Many of the episodes that we'retalking about today happened
during a seasonal stretch rightaround the holidays, and we
shaped a number of thosedifferent episodes around the
fact that they were occurringduring the holidays and
therefore we gave them someseasonal holiday influences and
made them relevant to the timeframe that they were happening.
(01:31):
But I think it's important thatwe clarify all of those topics
are relevant all year round,even reflections, intentions and
New Year's resolutions.
Whether it be discipline duringthe holidays, unwrapping
expectations, how to win familyand deal with difficult people
(01:53):
all of these things come up allyear round.
They might just be a little bitmore elevated during the
holidays, so I figured it wouldbe helpful to extract some of
these topics from that holidaycontext and talk about how they
interlap with a number of theother topics that we've talked
about in this podcast.
So let's start with socialdynamics and relationships.
(02:14):
My episode, how to Win Familyand Deal with Difficult People,
is really just a play on thetitle of Dale Carnegie's seminal
book how to Win Friends andInfluence People, and I drew
heavily from that book for thatepisode, as well as several
other books, but also a lot ofmy own personal experience and
(02:38):
the things that I teach myclients.
Oftentimes, but not always,people who are severely lacking
self-esteem commonly lack socialskills because they didn't have
the confidence to go out andbuild them up in the first place
.
So it's pretty common that Ialso work with them on their
social skills as they'rebuilding up their confidence.
This helps prevent them fromcoming off as obnoxious or
(03:01):
missing the social cues that canmake confident people come off
as annoying.
But in order to do this, youhave to actually start changing
your philosophy or your way ofthinking about social
interactions.
We're all social animals.
A large reason why humans arethe dominant species on the
(03:22):
planet is because we developedlanguage and the ability to
communicate, cooperate, trade,barter and specialize.
The development of languageallowed us to communicate more
complex ideas than many of theother animals, or even hominids,
that were on the planet beforeus.
But what does that mean for now?
(03:43):
What it means is that we arehardwired to be social, whether
you're an introvert or anextrovert.
Pure, 100% social isolation isnot good for you.
We all need people in our livesand our society would not
function without the complexsocial ties and cooperation and
(04:03):
specialization that come fromour modern times.
Like it or not, you exist inthe world with other people.
If you want to succeed in thisworld, you have to learn how to
work with other people.
It's really one of thefoundations of maturity.
A two-year-old is really justtrying to get their own needs
met and doesn't care that muchabout others.
(04:25):
They're primarily at the whimsof their impulses.
But as we mature, we getsocialized.
We understand that pure egoismjust trying to get our needs met
and not caring about or eventhinking about other people at
all tends to get us sociallyostracized.
We don't succeed very well inthis hyper-social world if we
(04:47):
can't work with other people.
In the grand scheme of things,if you want to get your needs
met and have a good life, youhave to be able to work with
other people.
It's just the reality that welive in.
Psychopaths who don't care aboutother people really at all and
I'm talking about clinicallydiagnosed psychopaths often
(05:08):
still find ways to use people ormake people happy, because even
they understand to some degreethat it helps them get what they
need.
In fact, social isolation isstill a punishment for a
psychopath, which is kind ofcrazy.
It's so ingrained in ourpsychology that it's still a
punishment to them to besocially isolated.
(05:30):
Now I understand that I've wentoff on a tangent here.
What does this have to do withanything?
It's just the backdrop to saythat we all need to accept and
optimize for being in a socialworld and frankly I'm assuming
just about everyone listening tothis podcast is not a
psychopath.
If you're not a psychopath, youcare about other people
(05:52):
Rightfully so you should.
It's part of our inherentmorals and it's good to care
about other people, not just foryourself but because it's the
right thing to do.
But I think if you're going tobe good with people, you have to
become genuinely interested inthem and their well-being.
You have to actually care abouthow you make them feel.
Talk about things that they'reinterested in, listen to them
(06:16):
actively, ask real questions.
And when you foster this skill,which we build like a muscle,
of genuinely caring about otherpeople and genuinely taking an
interest in other people, youwill find that your social
interactions go so much better.
And one of the best ways for usto embrace this is by being of
(06:37):
service to other people, butfostering the skill of
hospitality, meaning if you careabout somebody, you should also
care about the way that youmake them feel right.
You want to treat them withhospitality.
If you like somebody, take careof them, care about them, go
out of your way to do nicethings for them, think about how
(06:59):
your actions and your wordswill make them feel.
I'm not saying this from amanipulative sense.
I'm saying genuinely want tomake people feel good.
Being good socially is making apositive impact in other
people's lives, and you canlearn skills to help do that.
It's not about influence.
It's not about getting ahead.
(07:21):
Those are actually just sideeffects of being a good person
and practicing your socialskills and, frankly, generating
more influence, if you're usingit for good, is a good thing.
But it's not all just about theway that you make people feel
or the social skills that youuse with people.
(07:41):
If you really want to connectwith somebody, you're going to
have to be vulnerable.
People connect when they feelsimilar.
Trying to be perfect whennobody is perfect doesn't
connect you to other people.
In fact, it makes you seem tooperfect.
It makes you alienated fromthem.
Now, vulnerability isn'tcomfortable.
(08:03):
It takes courage.
But if you really want toconnect with other people,
you'll have to use somevulnerability Now.
This is where we develop oursocial intelligence and social
awareness so that we use theright amount of vulnerability in
the right proportions at theright time.
We don't want to emotionallyunload on people.
(08:26):
We want to show vulnerabilityprogressively, at the pace that
feels right, as a relationshipgrows.
Not every social interactionyou're going to have is going to
be this light, fluffy thing.
Sometimes you're going to haveto deal with difficult people
and in those situations it'sbest to protect your own energy,
(08:46):
not necessarily by leaving thatinteraction, but by focusing on
your locus of control.
And another way is by loweringyour expectations of other
people so that you don't getfrustrated with them for not
meeting them.
Let them live their lives.
You don't have to control them,just let go.
Set boundaries where necessary,but boundaries are to protect
(09:09):
you, not to punish them.
But how do expectations andboundaries interlock?
Well, it's not always going towork out perfect.
You're going to have to giveyourself some grace here and
find some shades of gray.
But ideally you want toeliminate your expectations as
much as possible in yourinteractions with other people,
(09:30):
while maintaining or holdingyour own boundaries or standards
for yourself.
A boundary isn't putting abunch of expectations on others,
but holding standards foryourself.
You can hope for yourinteractions with people to go
in a very positive light withoutexpecting it, while holding
(09:51):
boundaries to not let peopletake advantage of or walk all
over you.
Now back on the positive sideof interactions.
Another way to make people feelgenuinely cared for is by using
the five love languages.
Now, this tends to apply morein romantic relationships, but
(10:12):
understanding people's lovelanguages can help you make them
feel loved.
Not all love is about romanticlove.
Familial love matters too, loveof a friend.
Give that friend a high five ora hug when you greet them if
you know their love language isphysical touch.
But you have to keep thatsocial awareness of what's
(10:34):
socially acceptable and what'snot for different types of
relationships.
One of the best things you cando is work on your social skills
while taking this genuineinterest in other people.
Understand your own lovelanguages and try to understand
the love languages of others.
And, frankly, we got the holygrail of relationships in our
(10:55):
episode with Tanez Hosimpour.
We talked about a myriad ofdifferent things, including
concepts like us versus theproblem and fighting fair in a
relationship, whether it's afriendship or a relationship
don't take those low blows andwhenever you can, try not to
view it as a combative thing.
(11:16):
You're both probably justfrustrated.
As she said, oftentimes ournervous systems get dysregulated
and then we're not showing upas who we intend to be, and if
you and your friend or you andyour spouse are both having this
interaction with dysregulatednervous systems, you're doing
yourself a huge disservice.
(11:36):
She also talked about how it'simportant to use forgiveness and
to repair when you don't showup the way that you mean to in
any form of relationship,oftentimes because your nervous
system was dysregulated In someways.
With the people that we'reclosest to, we're able to be the
most open and the mostvulnerable and the most honest
(11:59):
with them, but this can lead tosaying or doing things that are
even more hurtful, and we bothcare more about what they think
and they care more about what wethink than someone that we're
not as close with.
We talked about the importanceof the stories that we tell
ourselves and how oftentimes,when we're upset with someone,
it's actually just because we'retelling ourselves a story about
(12:22):
how they feel or what theirintentions were.
She talked about the smallmoments of gratitude and doing
things to show people that youcare about them in small,
consistent ways are often whatmakes the big difference in a
relationship as opposed to thebig grand gestures.
One of the other things that wediscussed was John Gottman's
(12:44):
four horsemen criticism,defensiveness, stonewalling and
contempt.
These behaviors are destructiveand very often lead to the
demise of a relationship.
Now listen, don't freak out andthink, oh my gosh, I've done
these in X relationship.
We're all human and we all dothem sometimes.
(13:05):
It's okay, but we want to indexagainst these things.
Criticizing people almostalways gets them defensive.
So two of these directly goagainst each other.
We need to, whenever possible,avoid criticism of people that
we want to have strongrelationships with, and, on the
(13:25):
flip side, it's generally bestto avoid defensiveness whenever
possible.
Assume positive intent Rememberit might just be the story that
we're telling ourselves and,whenever possible, try not to
take things personally.
Now the other two— stonewalling, which can make one person
(13:46):
freeze up.
The person who is stonewallingis having a very unpleasant
experience, and the person whois being stonewalled is feeling
completely neglected, unheardand ignored.
The dichotomy of this situationon both sides can be very
destructive to relationships.
If the stonewalling person cantry to communicate that they are
(14:09):
freezing up and that they needtime.
And then, of course, the personwho is being stonewalled must
give the person who is freezingup the space to take some time
and re-regulate their nervoussystem to get to a point where
they can talk again.
This can undo a huge portion ofthe damage done by stonewalling
(14:29):
.
And the last one, the mostdestructive of the four horsemen
contempt.
The feeling of contempt towardsanother individual is often
like the vultures circling thedying animal.
Let me take a pause here to usea caveat it is very hard to
fully control your feelings andif you're going to shame and
(14:52):
beat yourself up for having thefeeling of contempt, that is
probably just going to fuel moreof it.
But catch yourself if you arefeeling contempt, especially if
you're going to wallow in anddwell on and fester in contempt
at someone.
You don't want to sit therewith that relationship.
(15:14):
If it's a relationship you careabout, we need to take a pause.
Recognize that we're tellingourself a story.
Reframe, get our nervous systemunder regulation.
Do whatever you need to do.
Get our nervous system underregulation.
Do whatever you need to do.
Change your state, have aconversation, take a breath,
come back to the present moment.
(15:34):
Use the mindful approach,curiosity and non-judgment.
Show them some compassion.
Maybe have some empathy.
Do whatever you need to do tonot allow that resentment to
just build and fester and grow,because having interactions
(15:54):
where you're thinking about howmuch contempt you have for that
person is almost never going togo well.
Two more topics that we coveredduring the holidays through this
seasonal lens were maintainingdiscipline during the holidays.
Through this seasonal lens,we're maintaining discipline
during the holidays, andreflections, intentions and New
Year's resolutions.
I'm going to start here.
(16:15):
Life is like a muscle, so buildit, or, even better, build grit
.
The ultimate super muscle thatwe can use to improve our lives
is to become grittier.
It's the number one predictorof success.
It combines discipline,self-control, patience,
(16:37):
perseverance, consistency andpersistence.
It's persevering when thingsget hard.
It's staying consistent andpersistent even when you don't
feel like doing it, or usingdiscipline and self-control,
having patience to do it overthe long haul.
And taking action even when youdon't feel like it.
(16:59):
And all of these sub-skillsthat make up grit can be built
just like a muscle over time.
The more you use them, thestronger they get.
And just like a muscle overtime, it's use it or lose it.
So this is where we combine aseries of different, a series of
(17:20):
the different topics that wetalked about and, surprisingly
enough, I'm going to start withthink like a lawyer.
Understand what you're trying todo.
Learn the system so that youcan work within it.
Understand its weak points, itsstrong points, its intricacies,
so that it becomes secondnature to you.
Don't overthink it.
(17:42):
Take a little time tounderstand it and then take
action.
Lawyers have a lot of work todo.
They don't have time to justponder and sit.
They Lawyers have a lot of workto do.
They don't have time to justponder and sit.
They learn the law so that theycan work within the law.
Next, reflect on where you're atand where the situation or
whatever you're trying toaccomplish is at.
Figure out your intentions andset a resolution or a goal.
(18:04):
We talked about SMART goals.
Set a resolution or a goal.
We talked about SMART goals,which I'm not going to get into
here.
It's an acronym for settinggood, achievable goals that have
a deadline.
Now that you've laid thegroundwork and I want to be
clear don't take too much timedoing this.
This is just getting anunderstanding for a large goal,
(18:24):
not for taking a simple actionThen we're going to start taking
all-out, massive action.
We're going to start buildingthese muscles like discipline
and persistence to keep going,by having patience and
understanding that it's aboutthe slight edge.
How we're going to have acompound effect by doing things
(18:46):
consistently over time andbuilding these skills and
eventually they become habits,making it easier and easier and
requiring less discipline, whichmeans we can now shift our
discipline to other areas and asour discipline gets stronger
and we keep accumulating betterhabits, so now we have a
stronger discipline muscle touse towards other areas and
(19:09):
eventually we're building all ofthese peripheral muscles that
build the super compound musclegrit, because we took a little
bit of time to understand thelandscape and the system and the
person being us who's trying toaccomplish it before
immediately going at a largergoal and actually setting a goal
so that we have something tostrive towards.
(19:31):
We've removed a lot of theobstacles that are in our way,
but inevitably obstacles arestill going to come up, and this
is where we can use stoicism.
Let the obstacles motivate you.
Do hard things, because hardthings are worth doing.
Don't get too caught up in youremotions over the obstacles
(19:51):
that come in your way.
We can use some of the stoicprinciples that also happen to
be two of my core fundamentalsFocus on your locus of control.
Stop worrying about the thingsthat are out of your control,
like most obstacles, and figureout what we can do about them,
as well as take control of yourconscious perspective of reality
(20:14):
.
The way that you perceive theworld changes the way you
experience it.
By taking control of the areawhere we have the most agency
our perspective we can see ourchallenges in a whole different
light when we apply these stoicmindset changes to this
compounding grit filled roadmap,to our goal, which is
(20:37):
ever-changing and flexible, tomake sure that we can achieve it
and pivot as needed, we cansimultaneously build up the
muscles of our life and achievethe goals that we want.
We've talked about and blendedtogether a bunch of different
topics today in this reflectionon past episodes, primarily
(20:59):
highlighting some of our holidayepisodes.
Hopefully the synthesis of allthese different topics has
helped bring some clarity intohow they all fit together and
remember you are enough and youdeserve to fill up your inner
(21:20):
cup with happiness, confidenceand self-compassion.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast,
(21:41):
confidence and self-compassion.
Don't forget to subscribe soyou don't miss out on more sage
advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed.
(22:03):
It is not intended as asubstitute for the personalized
advice of a physician,professional coach,
psychotherapist or otherqualified professional.
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