February 4, 2025 • 26 mins
Unlock the secret to deeper connections in your relationships by understanding the five love languages with us. Have you ever wondered why your partner doesn’t seem to feel loved despite your efforts? Learn how recognizing and speaking your partner's love language can transform your relationship. Together with my co-host and wife, Hannah Sage, we unpack the essence of these unique expressions of love, from words of affirmation to physical touch, and explore the importance of identifying not only how you naturally express love but also how you want to receive it.
We journey through the complexities of love languages, illustrating how personal and familial experiences shape them and their impact on relationship dynamics. By sharing personal anecdotes and insights, we highlight the subtle ways love languages manifest, such as how gift-giving and acts of service can intertwine. With research-backed insights, we discuss how alignment in love languages enhances emotional intimacy, not just in romantic settings but in friendships and family interactions as well. We also provide practical tools like online quizzes to aid in discovering your love language, paving the way for enriched relationships. Tune in to uncover how these revelations can be a game-changer in your connections.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I ama self-worth and confidence
coach with Sage CoachingSolutions.
With Valentine's Day quicklyapproaching, I couldn't think of
(00:25):
a better topic for us to talkabout than the one that we're
talking about today.
In this episode, we're divinginto a topic that transforms the
way people understand love andrelationships the five love
languages and I couldn't thinkof a better person to have here
on with me today than my wifeand co-host, hannah Sage.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Hey guys.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Whether you're looking to strengthen your
romantic relationship, improveyour friendships or simply
understand yourself better,understanding love languages can
be a game changer.
Can be a game changer Before weget into it.
Our goal with this podcast isto share free, helpful tools
with you and anyone you know whois looking to improve their
(01:13):
life.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
So take action subscribe and share this podcast
with them.
So I'm pretty familiar with theconcept of the five love
languages.
But for those of you who arenewer to it or need a refresher,
because a lot of times you'veheard of this concept but
haven't always dug in deeper,where does the concept of the
(01:35):
five love languages come fromand what are they?
Speaker 1 (01:39):
The idea was introduced by Dr Gary Chapman, a
world-renowned marriagecounselor, and was widely
popularized in his best-sellingbook, the Five Love Languages.
According to Chapman, there arefive primary ways that people
give and receive love.
These are number one words ofaffirmation.
(02:01):
This love language is all aboutverbal expressions of love and
appreciation Think compliments,encouraging words or even a
simple I love you.
For people who value words ofaffirmation, hearing kind and
supportive words makes them feeltruly loved.
In practice, this might looklike leaving thoughtful notes or
(02:25):
sending a meaningful textmessage, verbally acknowledging
people's efforts and qualities,or offering sincere and specific
compliments.
The second love language is actsof service.
For those who speak this lovelanguage, actions truly do speak
louder than words.
(02:45):
Whether it's doing the dishes,running an errand or helping
with a project, acts of serviceshow love through effort and
thoughtfulness.
A couple of examples includehelping with chores without
being asked, preparing a mealwhen the person is stressed,
running errands for them andfixing something they've been
(03:07):
meaning to repair.
The third love language isreceiving gifts.
This one isn't really aboutmaterialism, like some may think
.
It's about the thought andeffort behind the gift, not just
getting stuff.
For people with this lovelanguage, a meaningful gift, no
matter how small, is a powerfulsymbol of love and care.
(03:30):
Some key aspects include thatthe gift does not need to be
expensive the thoughtfulnessmatters more than the price
remembering special occasionsand selecting gifts that show a
deep understanding of thatperson.
The fourth love language isquality time.
(03:51):
This love language is all aboutundivided attention, whether
it's a deep conversation, ashared activity or just sitting
together in silence.
Quality time makes theseindividuals feel valued and
connected.
This means active listening,putting away phones and devices,
(04:12):
engaging in meaningfulconversations, shared
experiences and activities, andprioritizing time together.
The fifth and final lovelanguage is physical touch.
For those who resonate withthis love language, physical
affection like hugs, holdinghands or a pat on the back is
(04:35):
like the ultimate way to feelloved and secure.
Some examples of this includehugs holding hands.
Include hugs holding hands,gentle touches, sitting close
together, a good high five orfist bump and comforting
physical presence.
So those are the five lovelanguages, but here's the thing,
no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
A quote from Gary Chapman is we must be willing to
learn our spouse's lovelanguage if we are to be
effective communicators of love.
The quote emphasizes that loveisn't just a feeling and it's a
language that needs to belearned and spoken.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
It's a really good quote and it gets at the heart
of what we're about to talkabout, of what we're about to
talk about, which is theimportant distinction between
the love language that you speak, or the love languages that you
speak and the ones you preferto receive.
For example, you mightnaturally express love through
(05:39):
acts of service Maybe you'realways helping out or doing
things for other people, butwhen it comes to receiving love,
you might feel more appreciatedthrough words of affirmation.
This disconnect can sometimeslead to misunderstandings in
relationships.
Think about it If you'reconstantly doing things for
(06:01):
someone who values quality time,they might not feel as loved as
if you simply sat down and hada meaningful conversation with
them, spent some time and gavethem your full attention.
On the flip side, if yourpartner shows you with gifts,
but what you really crave isphysical touch, you might feel
like something's missing.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I can see where that can get very frustrating for the
person who's receiving the loveand the person who's giving the
love.
Because the giving the love youthink that you are giving it
your all You're like why can'tthey see that I love them?
I'm showering them with gifts,I'm supporting them through acts
of service, I'm telling themhow much I love them, and yet
(06:44):
they're still not receiving it.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
I'm telling them how much I love them and yet they're
still not receiving it, whichis why these different love
languages calling them languagesis pretty spot on.
If I'm trying to communicate tosomebody who only speaks
Spanish, by speaking English,I'm not getting very far.
They might see the intent thatI'm trying to tell them
something, but they're notreceiving it.
Now, it's not to that degree.
(07:06):
Everyone speaks all of theselove languages to some degree,
so there is a little bit ofshades of gray here.
I don't think there's anybodythat hates any of these love
languages.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I kind of always view it as a pie chart.
There's a percentage of whatyou prefer, but every category
will have some sort ofpercentage of that pie chart.
For you it just depends on howmuch or how little.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
The key is recognizing both how you
naturally express love and howyou prefer to receive it, and to
communicate that with thepeople in your life.
I actually have a pretty goodquote by Dr Chapman as well.
I actually have a pretty goodquote by Dr Chapman as well.
We don't give love the way wethink others want to receive it.
We give love the way we want toreceive it.
(07:51):
Now, this isn't always the case, but I think, statistically
speaking, it is most common thatpeople speak and receive the
same love language the most.
That's not always the case, butpsychologically it makes a lot
of sense that if you really wantto receive physical touch, it's
(08:12):
much more likely that you'regoing to show love as physical
touch, because we often projectthat the way that we think about
things is the way everyonethinks about things.
So if we like physical touch,everyone else must right.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
This is why this quote reinforces the core idea
that people often show love inways that reflect how they wish
to receive it, which is whyunderstanding each other's love
language is so important inmaintaining healthy
relationships instead of justassuming.
Another layer to this is theidea of primary and secondary
love languages.
(08:48):
While most of us have onedominant love language, we often
have a secondary one that alsoresonates pretty well with us.
For instance, your primary lovelanguage might be quality time,
but you also appreciate wordsof affirmation quite a bit.
Understanding this can help youand your loved ones create a
more balanced and fulfillingdynamic.
(09:09):
It's also worth noting thatyour love languages can shift
over time, depending on yourlife circumstances or the nature
of your relationships.
This isn't something that isalways the same for you
throughout your entire life.
During a stressful period, youmight find yourself craving more
acts of service, while in along-distance relationship, you
(09:30):
might crave physical touch more,and that might become more
important.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
So, going back to that quote from Gary Chapman
about receiving love, I feellike that's definitely come into
play in our relationship attimes.
My primary love language isacts of service.
I love it, but I tend to bendover backwards with acts of
service to show my love to otherpeople.
(09:58):
But it's kind of funny becauseI don't think that's very high
in importance in your lovelanguages.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
I don't think that's very high in importance in your
love languages.
I know that my primary lovelanguage is words of affirmation
yes, it absolutely is.
And then I think my secondarylove language, the one that is
almost as high, would bephysical touch physical touch.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
But going back to what I said about mine being
acts of service, I can be likecleaning all day, laundry,
getting dinner done, and then Idon't know if you always notice
fully, and that's okay, but inmy mind I'm like, oh, feel all
my love, and you're kind of likedo, do, do, do, do.
And then vice versa, there'sdays where you are telling me
how incredible I am at likeevery moment of the day, how
(10:55):
great you think I am, and I'mjust like do-do-do-do-do, okay,
yeah, yeah, move on, which isgreat, I love it.
But it's cute realizing thatmaybe we're not technically
giving our love to the otherperson in ways that they are
going to notice it as much.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Because we tend to be most fluent in speaking the
same love language that we wishto receive.
So it makes sense that if mynumber one is words of
affirmation, my natural responseis words of affirmation to you.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
And vice versa.
My number one is acts ofservice, but it's funny because,
like I said, words ofaffirmation isn't even in my top
two and acts of service isn'tin your top two.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
Acts of service is actually probably number four
for me.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
I know it's so low down.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Well, to be fair, though, I actually don't think
it's it's that low because it'sout of five, but I don't
actually think it's that low, ifthat makes sense.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
It's just that the other three, because number
three for me would probably bequality time.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Gotcha.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So, yeah, words of affirmation, physical touch,
quality time, then acts ofservice, and for me, gifts is
dead last, but that doesn't meanthat I don't enjoy gifts, you
know.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Going back to what I had said about the pie chart, so
as David's talking about these,you can kind of imagine divided
up into the five quadrants andthey're all just a little bit
different in regards to onemight be a little bit bigger
than the last kind of thing.
So they still have some weight,they're just not as much.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
But it is pretty individualized.
You might have somebody thatlike one piece of their pie is
60%, have somebody that like onepiece of their pie is 60%, and
then another one is like 25%,and then the other three make up
the remaining 15%.
Right, I think mine is a bitmore evenly spread out.
Okay, while words ofaffirmation is definitely the
(13:02):
first one, if we're looking atit as a pie chart, I still
receive the other ones prettywell.
As far as receiving lovelanguages, I'm reasonably
well-rounded.
I do actually feel love fromall of them.
It's just not necessarily inthe same proportions.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
For me, my number one is definitely acts of service.
That's how I show love, that'show I feel the most love.
Second is quality time.
Third is physical touch.
Fourth, words of affirmationand fifth, receiving of gifts.
Currently, though, I have tosay, there have been times
(13:42):
throughout my life andthroughout our relationship that
my love languages and theamount that is in that pie chart
, in those quadrants, haveshifted and changed.
However, earlier on, probablythe first couple years of us
dating, I would say, words ofaffirmation, quality time and
(14:04):
physical touch were higherbecause of the natural ebbs and
flows of dating and wanting tobe desired and wanting to feel
desired and feel appreciated,and we also weren't living
together at the time.
So acts of service itdefinitely came up, but it
wasn't as day-to-day as some ofthe other love languages, so
(14:28):
they just weren't as importantto me in regards of receiving
love.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Now that makes a lot of sense.
Correct me if I'm wrong, butcurrently numbers two, three and
four were quality time,physical touch and Words of
affirmation.
Yeah, words of affirmation Yep.
Touch and words of affirmationyeah, words of affirmation yep.
So you're saying that thosethree, probably still in that
order, were shifted up and actsof service was just somewhere in
there?
Speaker 2 (14:53):
probably, and they've probably been jumbled up at
different times as well no, thatmakes sense, but I mean like if
you were to take a snapshotyeah, but, like I said, I can
literally take a snapshot of thefirst six months of us dating
and I would say physical touch,because everything is new and
exciting, um no that makes sensebut then also quality time,
(15:14):
like you were driving out tomadison to be with me when we
would only end up getting toactually see each other for very
little amount of time right,and you and you were pretty busy
so we didn't get to talk asmuch.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
So then I suppose, words of affirmations yeah, no,
it makes sense Like so thesituation often causes the
changes.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
I think the situation in life changes it a lot, and
then also how long you've beentogether.
I think there's just differentlevels of comfortability, like
now, words of affirmation I lovethem, they're beautiful, but
they're not as high on my list,because I know how you feel
about me and I'm pretty secureand confident in that.
At times when I'm feeling moreinsecure, that does spike up and
(15:57):
I'm going to need that a littlebit more.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
So I'm getting an interesting insight out of this.
I think paradoxically, and notall of the time.
Obviously there's some nuancehere, but paradoxically, I think
, often if you are getting a lotof a certain love language
because that need is being sofulfilled, the importance of it
(16:20):
goes down in your brain.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
And then ones that aren't happening as much tend to
get stronger.
It's almost like there's ahierarchy of needs to them to
some degree.
But people also have kind ofinherent biases.
Your primary one is probablyalmost always going to be up
there.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Right, and I think a lot of times the relationships
that you witness growing up inyour adolescence does shape what
your love languages tend to be.
My dad was really good withacts of service.
That was definitely his primarylove language, so it's
interesting to see how that hasshaped my beliefs of showing how
(17:01):
much I love you is gettingthings done and taking care of
you.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
And, for the record, I do love your acts of service.
That's not something that goesbeyond me.
Just like you said, you stillnotice and hear all of the words
of affirmation.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
But to take the comparison even farther, my
mom's love language is words ofaffirmation, which is cute that
you and I have kind of morphedinto that a little bit as well.
So I've been able to see howthose love languages can
interact and the complexitiesalso that come with that and the
(17:38):
miscommunications that canarise from it when someone's
love languages aren't being met.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
And I think because I'm getting my need for acts of
service as a form of love met sowell by you, kind of like what
you were saying for my words ofaffirmation it actually falls
lower on my list because I don'thave a lack there.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
What's interesting, though, though, is that it does
seem like gifts for both of usare consistently lower than the
others, despite the fact thatyou are actually a very good
gift giver.
Let's talk about not just thelanguages that we understand and
(18:25):
that we hear, but the lovelanguages that we speak the most
.
Now, we've both touched on theprimary one that we desire is
also the one that is the primaryone that we speak, but that
doesn't mean that those are theonly ones that we speak.
Right only ones that we speakRight.
(18:49):
And, like I said, despite thefact that you don't have gifts
very high on your list, you areactually very good at speaking
that love language because youput a lot of thought into your
gifts and when people do havegifts high on their love
languages, it really resonateswith them.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
So it's interesting because in my mind, there's a
little bit of an overlap betweenacts of service and gift giving
.
So, in regards to the giftgiving, I'm thinking about what
I've noticed that they aremissing throughout the year,
before their birthday or beforeChristmas.
I'm thinking about, okay, whatis something that they've
(19:24):
mentioned that they need, thatthey desire, what is something
that I've noticed that ismissing, or what is something
that I know that they would love?
It's all still acts of service.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
So it's almost like you are getting a gift to
provide a service in their life.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Yes, I want them to feel taken care of.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Interesting.
I don't think I ever thoughtabout it that way, but that
makes sense.
I feel like we are both prettygood at giving physical touch as
a love, language and qualitytime Right, which those both
being pretty high for both of us, I think works out really well.
I think where we sometimes havethe disconnect is on acts of
(20:09):
service and words of affirmationacts of service and words of
affirmation.
But I've also noticed that overtime, your words of affirmation
have increased towards me andmy acts of service have
increased towards you as thisrelationship has went on.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
I feel like you don't realize how important it is to
the other person.
It might be something that youhave a conversation about, it's
like oh, you might say, okay,mine is words of affirmation.
I may not fully actuallyregister that until we've been
together for a few years andrealizing, like, where is this
disconnect?
(20:45):
Why doesn't he realize how muchI love him?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
well, I think it also helps that we are aware of this
topic, like of this concept ofthe five love languages, and
that we've had severalconversations and even like
check-ins surrounding them.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
In conflicts.
It's okay, it happens.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Yeah, sure, no, totally.
Definitely conflicts, and Ithink they're between the
conversations, the check-ins,the awareness and the conflicts.
All of those have made us moreaware of each other's love
languages.
So I think it comes to ourconscious thought more.
We think to do those thingsmore, because all of those
(21:24):
things have accumulated inhaving a better awareness of the
other person's preferred lovelanguages.
So we think of it more.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Absolutely so, if someone doesn't have enough time
to read Gary Chapman's book,which it's a very good book.
But if you don't have the timeto read it now, but you still
want to know what your lovelanguage is, or you want to
double check it or refresh whatyour love language is, because
it might've shifted throughoutthe years, david, how would we
(21:55):
find out what our love languageis?
Speaker 1 (21:58):
The easiest way to figure out your love language is
to actually go online and takethe quiz at the5lovelanguagescom
.
If you're not sure what yourlove languages are, there are
plenty of free quizzes onlinethat can help you figure it out,
including the official one byDr Chapman.
In a study called the Influenceof Love Languages on
(22:21):
Relationship Satisfaction in theJournal of Social and Personal
Relationships, they found thatunderstanding and aligning love
languages can lead to greaterrelationship satisfaction and
better emotional intimacy.
We just talked a bunch abouthow the five love languages are
a big factor in our relationshipand pretty much just about any
(22:44):
relationship.
So let's talk about how thelove languages play out
different in different types ofrelationships.
While the concept is oftendiscussed in the context of
romantic partnerships, it'salmost as relevant for
friendships and even familydynamics.
In romantic relationships,understanding your partner's
(23:05):
love language can help you meettheir emotional needs more
effectively.
For example, if your partner'sprimary love language is
physical touch, regularaffection like holding hands or
cuddling can strengthen thatbond.
In friendships, love languagesmight look a little different.
For instance, acts of servicecould mean helping a friend move
or being there for them duringa tough time.
(23:26):
Words of affirmation might looklike sending an encouraging
text or celebrating theirachievements, and physical touch
might be regular high fives,fist bumps or hugs when saying
hello and leaving.
The beauty of love languages isthat they're universal.
They apply to all kinds ofrelationships.
By understanding and speakingthe love languages of the people
(23:49):
in your life, you can builddeeper, more meaningful
connections.
You can build deeper, moremeaningful connections.
All right, let's get practical.
How can you start applying thisknowledge in your own life?
Here's a few tips.
One communicate.
Share your love languages withyour partner, friends or family
(24:11):
members and encourage them to dothe same.
This can open up that whole newlevel of understanding and
bring them to do the same.
This can open up that whole newlevel of understanding and
bring them to your awareness sothat you can meet their needs
better.
2.
Practice flexibility.
Even if someone's love languagedoesn't naturally come to you,
making an effort to speak it canmake a huge difference.
(24:32):
4.
Observe and adapt.
Pay attention to how people inyour life express love.
It can give you clues abouttheir love languages.
5.
Be patient.
Changing the way you give andreceive love takes time, so be
patient with yourself and withothers as you navigate this
(24:54):
journey.
Love is a choice, and it's achoice we make every day.
When you learn someone's lovelanguage, you start to truly see
them for who they are and howthey express their feelings.
Dr Gary Chapman, this quoteemphasizes the intentionality
behind love and how learningsomeone's love language is not
(25:16):
just about recognizing theirneeds, but also making a
conscious decision to love themin the way that resonates most
with them.
Understanding the five lovelanguages isn't just about
improving your relationships.
It's about personal growth.
It encourages you to reflect onhow you give and receive love,
(25:38):
and it challenges you to stepoutside of your comfort zone and
to meet the needs of others.
So, whether you're in aromantic relationship, nurturing
a friendship or simply workingon understanding yourself better
, I hope this episode has givenyou some valuable insights, and
remember you are enough and youdeserve to fill up your inner
(26:04):
cup with happiness, confidenceand self-compassion.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad that you choose to learn
and grow here with me.
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
(26:26):
miss out on more Sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed, it is not intended
(26:47):
as a substitute for thepersonalized advice of a
physician, professional coach,psychotherapist or other
qualified professional.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I ama self-worth and confidence
coach with Sage CoachingSolutions.
With Valentine's Day quicklyapproaching, I couldn't think of
(00:25):
a better topic for us to talkabout than the one that we're
talking about today.
In this episode, we're divinginto a topic that transforms the
way people understand love andrelationships the five love
languages and I couldn't thinkof a better person to have here
on with me today than my wifeand co-host, hannah Sage.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Hey guys.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Whether you're looking to strengthen your
romantic relationship, improveyour friendships or simply
understand yourself better,understanding love languages can
be a game changer.
Can be a game changer Before weget into it.
Our goal with this podcast isto share free, helpful tools
with you and anyone you know whois looking to improve their
(01:13):
life.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
So take action subscribe and share this podcast
with them.
So I'm pretty familiar with theconcept of the five love
languages.
But for those of you who arenewer to it or need a refresher,
because a lot of times you'veheard of this concept but
haven't always dug in deeper,where does the concept of the
(01:35):
five love languages come fromand what are they?
Speaker 1 (01:39):
The idea was introduced by Dr Gary Chapman, a
world-renowned marriagecounselor, and was widely
popularized in his best-sellingbook, the Five Love Languages.
According to Chapman, there arefive primary ways that people
give and receive love.
These are number one words ofaffirmation.
(02:01):
This love language is all aboutverbal expressions of love and
appreciation Think compliments,encouraging words or even a
simple I love you.
For people who value words ofaffirmation, hearing kind and
supportive words makes them feeltruly loved.
In practice, this might looklike leaving thoughtful notes or
(02:25):
sending a meaningful textmessage, verbally acknowledging
people's efforts and qualities,or offering sincere and specific
compliments.
The second love language is actsof service.
For those who speak this lovelanguage, actions truly do speak
louder than words.
(02:45):
Whether it's doing the dishes,running an errand or helping
with a project, acts of serviceshow love through effort and
thoughtfulness.
A couple of examples includehelping with chores without
being asked, preparing a mealwhen the person is stressed,
running errands for them andfixing something they've been
(03:07):
meaning to repair.
The third love language isreceiving gifts.
This one isn't really aboutmaterialism, like some may think
.
It's about the thought andeffort behind the gift, not just
getting stuff.
For people with this lovelanguage, a meaningful gift, no
matter how small, is a powerfulsymbol of love and care.
(03:30):
Some key aspects include thatthe gift does not need to be
expensive the thoughtfulnessmatters more than the price
remembering special occasionsand selecting gifts that show a
deep understanding of thatperson.
The fourth love language isquality time.
(03:51):
This love language is all aboutundivided attention, whether
it's a deep conversation, ashared activity or just sitting
together in silence.
Quality time makes theseindividuals feel valued and
connected.
This means active listening,putting away phones and devices,
(04:12):
engaging in meaningfulconversations, shared
experiences and activities, andprioritizing time together.
The fifth and final lovelanguage is physical touch.
For those who resonate withthis love language, physical
affection like hugs, holdinghands or a pat on the back is
(04:35):
like the ultimate way to feelloved and secure.
Some examples of this includehugs holding hands.
Include hugs holding hands,gentle touches, sitting close
together, a good high five orfist bump and comforting
physical presence.
So those are the five lovelanguages, but here's the thing,
no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
A quote from Gary Chapman is we must be willing to
learn our spouse's lovelanguage if we are to be
effective communicators of love.
The quote emphasizes that loveisn't just a feeling and it's a
language that needs to belearned and spoken.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
It's a really good quote and it gets at the heart
of what we're about to talkabout, of what we're about to
talk about, which is theimportant distinction between
the love language that you speak, or the love languages that you
speak and the ones you preferto receive.
For example, you mightnaturally express love through
(05:39):
acts of service Maybe you'realways helping out or doing
things for other people, butwhen it comes to receiving love,
you might feel more appreciatedthrough words of affirmation.
This disconnect can sometimeslead to misunderstandings in
relationships.
Think about it If you'reconstantly doing things for
(06:01):
someone who values quality time,they might not feel as loved as
if you simply sat down and hada meaningful conversation with
them, spent some time and gavethem your full attention.
On the flip side, if yourpartner shows you with gifts,
but what you really crave isphysical touch, you might feel
like something's missing.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
I can see where that can get very frustrating for the
person who's receiving the loveand the person who's giving the
love.
Because the giving the love youthink that you are giving it
your all You're like why can'tthey see that I love them?
I'm showering them with gifts,I'm supporting them through acts
of service, I'm telling themhow much I love them, and yet
(06:44):
they're still not receiving it.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
I'm telling them how much I love them and yet they're
still not receiving it, whichis why these different love
languages calling them languagesis pretty spot on.
If I'm trying to communicate tosomebody who only speaks
Spanish, by speaking English,I'm not getting very far.
They might see the intent thatI'm trying to tell them
something, but they're notreceiving it.
Now, it's not to that degree.
(07:06):
Everyone speaks all of theselove languages to some degree,
so there is a little bit ofshades of gray here.
I don't think there's anybodythat hates any of these love
languages.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
I kind of always view it as a pie chart.
There's a percentage of whatyou prefer, but every category
will have some sort ofpercentage of that pie chart.
For you it just depends on howmuch or how little.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
The key is recognizing both how you
naturally express love and howyou prefer to receive it, and to
communicate that with thepeople in your life.
I actually have a pretty goodquote by Dr Chapman as well.
I actually have a pretty goodquote by Dr Chapman as well.
We don't give love the way wethink others want to receive it.
We give love the way we want toreceive it.
(07:51):
Now, this isn't always the case, but I think, statistically
speaking, it is most common thatpeople speak and receive the
same love language the most.
That's not always the case, butpsychologically it makes a lot
of sense that if you really wantto receive physical touch, it's
(08:12):
much more likely that you'regoing to show love as physical
touch, because we often projectthat the way that we think about
things is the way everyonethinks about things.
So if we like physical touch,everyone else must right.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
This is why this quote reinforces the core idea
that people often show love inways that reflect how they wish
to receive it, which is whyunderstanding each other's love
language is so important inmaintaining healthy
relationships instead of justassuming.
Another layer to this is theidea of primary and secondary
love languages.
(08:48):
While most of us have onedominant love language, we often
have a secondary one that alsoresonates pretty well with us.
For instance, your primary lovelanguage might be quality time,
but you also appreciate wordsof affirmation quite a bit.
Understanding this can help youand your loved ones create a
more balanced and fulfillingdynamic.
(09:09):
It's also worth noting thatyour love languages can shift
over time, depending on yourlife circumstances or the nature
of your relationships.
This isn't something that isalways the same for you
throughout your entire life.
During a stressful period, youmight find yourself craving more
acts of service, while in along-distance relationship, you
(09:30):
might crave physical touch more,and that might become more
important.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
So, going back to that quote from Gary Chapman
about receiving love, I feellike that's definitely come into
play in our relationship attimes.
My primary love language isacts of service.
I love it, but I tend to bendover backwards with acts of
service to show my love to otherpeople.
(09:58):
But it's kind of funny becauseI don't think that's very high
in importance in your lovelanguages.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
I don't think that's very high in importance in your
love languages.
I know that my primary lovelanguage is words of affirmation
yes, it absolutely is.
And then I think my secondarylove language, the one that is
almost as high, would bephysical touch physical touch.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
But going back to what I said about mine being
acts of service, I can be likecleaning all day, laundry,
getting dinner done, and then Idon't know if you always notice
fully, and that's okay, but inmy mind I'm like, oh, feel all
my love, and you're kind of likedo, do, do, do, do.
And then vice versa, there'sdays where you are telling me
how incredible I am at likeevery moment of the day, how
(10:55):
great you think I am, and I'mjust like do-do-do-do-do, okay,
yeah, yeah, move on, which isgreat, I love it.
But it's cute realizing thatmaybe we're not technically
giving our love to the otherperson in ways that they are
going to notice it as much.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Because we tend to be most fluent in speaking the
same love language that we wishto receive.
So it makes sense that if mynumber one is words of
affirmation, my natural responseis words of affirmation to you.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
And vice versa.
My number one is acts ofservice, but it's funny because,
like I said, words ofaffirmation isn't even in my top
two and acts of service isn'tin your top two.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
Acts of service is actually probably number four
for me.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
I know it's so low down.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Well, to be fair, though, I actually don't think
it's it's that low because it'sout of five, but I don't
actually think it's that low, ifthat makes sense.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
It's just that the other three, because number
three for me would probably bequality time.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Gotcha.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So, yeah, words of affirmation, physical touch,
quality time, then acts ofservice, and for me, gifts is
dead last, but that doesn't meanthat I don't enjoy gifts, you
know.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
Going back to what I had said about the pie chart, so
as David's talking about these,you can kind of imagine divided
up into the five quadrants andthey're all just a little bit
different in regards to onemight be a little bit bigger
than the last kind of thing.
So they still have some weight,they're just not as much.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
But it is pretty individualized.
You might have somebody thatlike one piece of their pie is
60%, have somebody that like onepiece of their pie is 60%, and
then another one is like 25%,and then the other three make up
the remaining 15%.
Right, I think mine is a bitmore evenly spread out.
Okay, while words ofaffirmation is definitely the
(13:02):
first one, if we're looking atit as a pie chart, I still
receive the other ones prettywell.
As far as receiving lovelanguages, I'm reasonably
well-rounded.
I do actually feel love fromall of them.
It's just not necessarily inthe same proportions.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
For me, my number one is definitely acts of service.
That's how I show love, that'show I feel the most love.
Second is quality time.
Third is physical touch.
Fourth, words of affirmationand fifth, receiving of gifts.
Currently, though, I have tosay, there have been times
(13:42):
throughout my life andthroughout our relationship that
my love languages and theamount that is in that pie chart
, in those quadrants, haveshifted and changed.
However, earlier on, probablythe first couple years of us
dating, I would say, words ofaffirmation, quality time and
(14:04):
physical touch were higherbecause of the natural ebbs and
flows of dating and wanting tobe desired and wanting to feel
desired and feel appreciated,and we also weren't living
together at the time.
So acts of service itdefinitely came up, but it
wasn't as day-to-day as some ofthe other love languages, so
(14:28):
they just weren't as importantto me in regards of receiving
love.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Now that makes a lot of sense.
Correct me if I'm wrong, butcurrently numbers two, three and
four were quality time,physical touch and Words of
affirmation.
Yeah, words of affirmation Yep.
Touch and words of affirmationyeah, words of affirmation yep.
So you're saying that thosethree, probably still in that
order, were shifted up and actsof service was just somewhere in
there?
Speaker 2 (14:53):
probably, and they've probably been jumbled up at
different times as well no, thatmakes sense, but I mean like if
you were to take a snapshotyeah, but, like I said, I can
literally take a snapshot of thefirst six months of us dating
and I would say physical touch,because everything is new and
exciting, um no that makes sensebut then also quality time,
(15:14):
like you were driving out tomadison to be with me when we
would only end up getting toactually see each other for very
little amount of time right,and you and you were pretty busy
so we didn't get to talk asmuch.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
So then I suppose, words of affirmations yeah, no,
it makes sense Like so thesituation often causes the
changes.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
I think the situation in life changes it a lot, and
then also how long you've beentogether.
I think there's just differentlevels of comfortability, like
now, words of affirmation I lovethem, they're beautiful, but
they're not as high on my list,because I know how you feel
about me and I'm pretty secureand confident in that.
At times when I'm feeling moreinsecure, that does spike up and
(15:57):
I'm going to need that a littlebit more.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
So I'm getting an interesting insight out of this.
I think paradoxically, and notall of the time.
Obviously there's some nuancehere, but paradoxically, I think
, often if you are getting a lotof a certain love language
because that need is being sofulfilled, the importance of it
(16:20):
goes down in your brain.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
And then ones that aren't happening as much tend to
get stronger.
It's almost like there's ahierarchy of needs to them to
some degree.
But people also have kind ofinherent biases.
Your primary one is probablyalmost always going to be up
there.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Right, and I think a lot of times the relationships
that you witness growing up inyour adolescence does shape what
your love languages tend to be.
My dad was really good withacts of service.
That was definitely his primarylove language, so it's
interesting to see how that hasshaped my beliefs of showing how
(17:01):
much I love you is gettingthings done and taking care of
you.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
And, for the record, I do love your acts of service.
That's not something that goesbeyond me.
Just like you said, you stillnotice and hear all of the words
of affirmation.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
But to take the comparison even farther, my
mom's love language is words ofaffirmation, which is cute that
you and I have kind of morphedinto that a little bit as well.
So I've been able to see howthose love languages can
interact and the complexitiesalso that come with that and the
(17:38):
miscommunications that canarise from it when someone's
love languages aren't being met.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
And I think because I'm getting my need for acts of
service as a form of love met sowell by you, kind of like what
you were saying for my words ofaffirmation it actually falls
lower on my list because I don'thave a lack there.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
What's interesting, though, though, is that it does
seem like gifts for both of usare consistently lower than the
others, despite the fact thatyou are actually a very good
gift giver.
Let's talk about not just thelanguages that we understand and
(18:25):
that we hear, but the lovelanguages that we speak the most
.
Now, we've both touched on theprimary one that we desire is
also the one that is the primaryone that we speak, but that
doesn't mean that those are theonly ones that we speak.
Right only ones that we speakRight.
(18:49):
And, like I said, despite thefact that you don't have gifts
very high on your list, you areactually very good at speaking
that love language because youput a lot of thought into your
gifts and when people do havegifts high on their love
languages, it really resonateswith them.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
So it's interesting because in my mind, there's a
little bit of an overlap betweenacts of service and gift giving
.
So, in regards to the giftgiving, I'm thinking about what
I've noticed that they aremissing throughout the year,
before their birthday or beforeChristmas.
I'm thinking about, okay, whatis something that they've
(19:24):
mentioned that they need, thatthey desire, what is something
that I've noticed that ismissing, or what is something
that I know that they would love?
It's all still acts of service.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
So it's almost like you are getting a gift to
provide a service in their life.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Yes, I want them to feel taken care of.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Interesting.
I don't think I ever thoughtabout it that way, but that
makes sense.
I feel like we are both prettygood at giving physical touch as
a love, language and qualitytime Right, which those both
being pretty high for both of us, I think works out really well.
I think where we sometimes havethe disconnect is on acts of
(20:09):
service and words of affirmationacts of service and words of
affirmation.
But I've also noticed that overtime, your words of affirmation
have increased towards me andmy acts of service have
increased towards you as thisrelationship has went on.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
I feel like you don't realize how important it is to
the other person.
It might be something that youhave a conversation about, it's
like oh, you might say, okay,mine is words of affirmation.
I may not fully actuallyregister that until we've been
together for a few years andrealizing, like, where is this
disconnect?
(20:45):
Why doesn't he realize how muchI love him?
Speaker 1 (20:48):
well, I think it also helps that we are aware of this
topic, like of this concept ofthe five love languages, and
that we've had severalconversations and even like
check-ins surrounding them.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
In conflicts.
It's okay, it happens.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
Yeah, sure, no, totally.
Definitely conflicts, and Ithink they're between the
conversations, the check-ins,the awareness and the conflicts.
All of those have made us moreaware of each other's love
languages.
So I think it comes to ourconscious thought more.
We think to do those thingsmore, because all of those
(21:24):
things have accumulated inhaving a better awareness of the
other person's preferred lovelanguages.
So we think of it more.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Absolutely so, if someone doesn't have enough time
to read Gary Chapman's book,which it's a very good book.
But if you don't have the timeto read it now, but you still
want to know what your lovelanguage is, or you want to
double check it or refresh whatyour love language is, because
it might've shifted throughoutthe years, david, how would we
(21:55):
find out what our love languageis?
Speaker 1 (21:58):
The easiest way to figure out your love language is
to actually go online and takethe quiz at the5lovelanguagescom
.
If you're not sure what yourlove languages are, there are
plenty of free quizzes onlinethat can help you figure it out,
including the official one byDr Chapman.
In a study called the Influenceof Love Languages on
(22:21):
Relationship Satisfaction in theJournal of Social and Personal
Relationships, they found thatunderstanding and aligning love
languages can lead to greaterrelationship satisfaction and
better emotional intimacy.
We just talked a bunch abouthow the five love languages are
a big factor in our relationshipand pretty much just about any
(22:44):
relationship.
So let's talk about how thelove languages play out
different in different types ofrelationships.
While the concept is oftendiscussed in the context of
romantic partnerships, it'salmost as relevant for
friendships and even familydynamics.
In romantic relationships,understanding your partner's
(23:05):
love language can help you meettheir emotional needs more
effectively.
For example, if your partner'sprimary love language is
physical touch, regularaffection like holding hands or
cuddling can strengthen thatbond.
In friendships, love languagesmight look a little different.
For instance, acts of servicecould mean helping a friend move
or being there for them duringa tough time.
(23:26):
Words of affirmation might looklike sending an encouraging
text or celebrating theirachievements, and physical touch
might be regular high fives,fist bumps or hugs when saying
hello and leaving.
The beauty of love languages isthat they're universal.
They apply to all kinds ofrelationships.
By understanding and speakingthe love languages of the people
(23:49):
in your life, you can builddeeper, more meaningful
connections.
You can build deeper, moremeaningful connections.
All right, let's get practical.
How can you start applying thisknowledge in your own life?
Here's a few tips.
One communicate.
Share your love languages withyour partner, friends or family
(24:11):
members and encourage them to dothe same.
This can open up that whole newlevel of understanding and
bring them to do the same.
This can open up that whole newlevel of understanding and
bring them to your awareness sothat you can meet their needs
better.
2.
Practice flexibility.
Even if someone's love languagedoesn't naturally come to you,
making an effort to speak it canmake a huge difference.
(24:32):
4.
Observe and adapt.
Pay attention to how people inyour life express love.
It can give you clues abouttheir love languages.
5.
Be patient.
Changing the way you give andreceive love takes time, so be
patient with yourself and withothers as you navigate this
(24:54):
journey.
Love is a choice, and it's achoice we make every day.
When you learn someone's lovelanguage, you start to truly see
them for who they are and howthey express their feelings.
Dr Gary Chapman, this quoteemphasizes the intentionality
behind love and how learningsomeone's love language is not
(25:16):
just about recognizing theirneeds, but also making a
conscious decision to love themin the way that resonates most
with them.
Understanding the five lovelanguages isn't just about
improving your relationships.
It's about personal growth.
It encourages you to reflect onhow you give and receive love,
(25:38):
and it challenges you to stepoutside of your comfort zone and
to meet the needs of others.
So, whether you're in aromantic relationship, nurturing
a friendship or simply workingon understanding yourself better
, I hope this episode has givenyou some valuable insights, and
remember you are enough and youdeserve to fill up your inner
(26:04):
cup with happiness, confidenceand self-compassion.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad that you choose to learn
and grow here with me.
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
(26:26):
miss out on more Sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed, it is not intended
(26:47):
as a substitute for thepersonalized advice of a
physician, professional coach,psychotherapist or other
qualified professional.
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