February 21, 2025 • 67 mins
Cierra Nalani Richards, Miss Royal United States, joins us for an engaging discussion on mental health and wellness, sharing her compelling journey from military life to the world of pageantry. She opens up about her experience in the Air Force, offering a candid look into the emotional challenges she faced, including her hospitalization for mental health issues.
Her story of resilience and the support she received along the way is both powerful and inspiring, shedding light on the importance of setting personal goals and maintaining mental wellness.
About Cierra:
Cierra Nalani Richards is a doctoral student, United States Air Force veteran, and current Miss United Universe. With over two decades of dedicated service to the American Cancer Society, she exemplifies a mission-minded and servant-hearted approach in all endeavors. Her background reflects a lifelong commitment to leadership, service, and community impact, consistently driven by her passion for making a difference.
Instagram: @uniteduniverseprod and @missroyaluniteduniverse
Facebook: Royal United Universe Pageants (United Universe Productions) and Miss Royal United Universe
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Socials: @sashandsoul | @fearlesslyauthenticcoach | @raeannajohnson
Websites: www.fearlesslyauthentic.com | www.sashandsoul.com
Email: info@fearlesslyauthenticcoach.com
If you’re looking for more than just surface-level prep—and you’re ready to prepare with strategy, support, and confidence that actually lasts—I’d love to be part of your process.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, sash and Soul Fam.
Before we dive into today'sepisode, I want to give you a
quick heads up.
We'll be discussing mentalhealth, which may include
conversations about anxiety,depression and suicide.
If you or someone you know isstruggling, help is available.
You can call or text 988 toreach the Suicide and Crisis
(00:20):
Lifeline, or visit988lifelineorg for free
confidential support 24-7.
Take care of yourself and ifthis episode feels too heavy,
it's okay to pause or skip.
You're not alone and yourwell-being matters.
Now let's get into it.
Hello everyone, welcome back toSash and Soul.
(00:41):
I am so excited to welcome aguest today on the podcast.
Sierra Richards is Miss RoyalUnited States.
She has graciously said shewould join me to talk about like
a really powerful topic.
Today we're going to talk aboutmental health, mental wellness
(01:02):
and receiving treatment for yourmental health and wellness, no
matter what goal you're goingfor.
So let me give you a littlebackground before I officially
introduce Sierra here.
I hosted the January masterclassat the end of January and
Sierra was one of the attendeesin the masterclass, and during
the masterclass, we were talkingabout our 2025 vision and
(01:24):
setting goals.
I talked about some of theexperiences that I've had in the
past that have led me to whereI'm at today and really
influence my vision for myself,no matter what goals I'm setting
, and one of the things thatI've experienced is being
hospitalized for mental health,and so, after sharing that story
in the masterclass year, I hadreached out to me.
(01:45):
We connected just in a DM and Istarted going down the rabbit
hole of looking at her Facebookpage or Instagram and everything
, and she had a pinned postabout her experience with mental
health treatment and beinghospitalized, and so we hopped
on a call and had a reallybeautiful conversation and
decided, like this is such avaluable topic that we wanted to
(02:08):
bring it to all of you as well.
So, with that, welcome, sierra.
Thank you for joining me.
I'm super excited to dive intothis with you today, just to
have a really genuine, authenticconversation about, kind of a
serious and stigmatized topic.
So why don't you go ahead andintroduce yourself?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Thank you so much for having me.
Yes, as you said, my name isSierra Nalani Richards.
I was born in Hawaii, but Igrew up in Washington State and
currently I hold the title ofMiss United Universe.
And I actually have this titlefor two years.
So this is my second year andit's been a really beautiful
experience because my directorhas been so supportive
(02:50):
throughout the hospitalizationand the different things that I
faced being in the Air Force,where I wasn't able to do some
of the appearances I wanted toor be as involved as I've been
in the past, so she has beenwonderful in working with me
through all of this.
I'm currently a doctoralstudent and just really my
(03:12):
biggest thing is being missionminded and servant hearted, so
anything I can do to help others, that's why I'm going into
medical, that's what I did inthe Air Force and I just really
want people to feel better.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
So, okay, let's dive into a little bit.
How did you get to the militaryto begin with?
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Of course.
So it started out when I was inhigh school.
Of course the recruiters werecoming into the lunchroom and
everyone had always had thisstereotype that the most
intelligent people go into theAir Force right, just like how
the strongest people go into theMarines.
So I always wanted to go intothe Air Force and it was
something that I was trying topursue, but it wasn't
(03:53):
wholeheartedly at that pointbecause I didn't know what
career path I wanted to go into.
At that point I was like a lotof people where I kind of
assumed that the military wasjust going to be more of that
almost infantry style job.
I didn't realize that there'sso many career opportunities in
the military.
So everyone was telling me getyour degrees first and then go
(04:16):
in.
So within those nine years fromhigh school and joining because
I joined- much later than mostpeople.
I earned my master's and I hadall of these wonderful
opportunities, studying abroadand having all this vast career
experience.
And then it was right beforeCOVID that I thought okay, this
is a dream that I had and I wantto fulfill it.
(04:39):
And so the Air Force,unfortunately, wasn't calling me
back, and so I tried to sign upfor active guard and reserve.
And of course, there is thestereotype that the Air Force
isn't the most communicativebecause it's one of the harder
branches to get into.
And so at this point I knewthat there was a Navy recruiting
station just about 30 minutesaway and I put in an interest
(05:03):
form online and I was just soeager that I ended up calling
them right after I put theinterest form in and I told them
ship me for anything, I don'tmind what job, just whatever
leaves the soonest.
I'm so excited to join.
I think this is really the nextstep for me.
And we went in there.
We spent hours, me and my dad,talking with my recruiter and
(05:25):
they were just very fun, lovingand real, and that's what I
think I love so much about theNavy side is it's so authentic.
And so I ended up going througha bunch of tests.
I think it ended up being like22 tests.
I was qualifying for everythingthat I possibly want to do and
it was the I believe he's achief petty officer.
(05:47):
He told me oh, why don't youtry aviation?
And at that point I wasterrified to fly so I thought,
absolutely not, I have nointerest in that.
But he really encouraged me,saying well, you have really
excelled in all these othercategories, don't cut yourself
off from an opportunity.
And so I started studyingaviation and just absolutely
(06:09):
fell in love with it.
And so it was three days beforeI was about to ship for Naval
flight officer and the Air Forcefinally calls me back after
nine years, that's so wild.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
To me it's so wild and like, and two, I just I keep
thinking like man, like it'slike the second, that you kind
of release the thing that youwant the most and you start kind
of going in a differentdirection, exploring other
options.
It's like that opportunity popsup.
It's like when you lost yourkeys and you feel like you've
searched everywhere, and it'slike when you finally give up
(06:43):
and stop looking, then they justlike show up on the countertop.
It's like when you lost yourkeys and you feel like you've
searched everywhere, and it'slike when you finally give up
and stop looking, then they justlike show up on the countertop.
It's like.
To me it's that kind of aconcept and I don't know if that
sounds crazy, but for me that'slike law of attraction,
manifestation, kind of energy oflike.
Let it go, release it, it'llcome to you.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Absolutely.
And I think that with peopletoo like if we have that anxious
energy trying to attach toanything, that's when we're
going to have that oppositemagnetic repelling right, you
really want to just say if it'sfor me, it'll come to me Going
into the Air Force side.
Really, I didn't want.
(07:17):
My biggest fear was that Iwould feel that I was settling
if I didn't go for what I wantedfirst, and so I didn't want to
have whether it be a great or anegative Navy experience.
I didn't want to constantly becomparing it to what my Air
Force experience would have been.
So I went into it thinking, okay, the Air Force is giving me a
chance, let's go Air Force.
If I don't like the Air Force,I can always join another branch
(07:39):
after.
And so I switched to Air Forcethree days before shipping for
the job that I really wanted,and I just told them I want to
go open general, whatever youwant to ship me for.
And so I actually went throughall of training and by
graduation day I think itmight've been maybe the day
before graduation, because theywere supposed to tell us a
(08:00):
couple of weeks beforehand, butthey didn't know, so it was like
the day before graduation, theyfinally told me my job and they
told me I'd be going intoaerospace medical services and I
thought that sounds amazing.
Of course I want to do that,like this is great.
And of course there again isall these stereotypes about how
medical is the best job.
Everyone wants medical and so Iwas excited, but it was also, I
(08:25):
would say, almost serendipitousthat I had avoided medical my
entire education leading up tothat, because I have so many
friends and family members thatare nurses in the medical field
and I think I just had thatthought that like I wanted to be
different, right, like I didn'twant to do what everyone else
was doing, I wanted to forge myown path, and so I really
(08:49):
avoided medical and then the airforce brought it to me, which,
like we're saying, once yourelease it, it'll come to you.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Yes, a hundred percent.
Well, and it just, I think,from the short time that I've
known you and the just, you know, brief conversations that we've
had, like this desire to bedifferent definitely seems like
it is, is a part of who you areand it's such a beautiful aspect
of who you are and probablywe're going to dive into this
(09:17):
too but like, probably one ofthe reasons that you dove into
pageantry and continue to, youknow, strive for that
self-improvement and, like yousaid, like forging different
pathways for yourself on yourjourney.
So I, yeah, I think that'sbeautiful, I think you, you
definitely need to like own that, that part of who you are.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
And I appreciate you saying that, because of course
it can be very hard when youfeel like you're not necessarily
fitting in like that perfectpuzzle piece, right?
And that was one of my struggles, I would say, in the Air Force
is I became such a peoplepleaser because I wanted to fit
in so much and I feel like mypersonality almost changed 180
from who I was before themilitary just because, even
(09:59):
though in certain aspects I feellike I was supported, for
example, when I was in trainingyou're not supposed to be able
to take leave for anything butthey allowed me to compete at
nationals.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
And so there yes, right, okay.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
So there was certain aspects of great support and
wonderful people that I met thatof course, wanted the best for
me.
But then there was also a lotof fighting the negative pageant
stereotypes.
I mean, when I came into myfirst station I wasn't going to
tell anyone of my title becauseof course I didn't want them to
(10:34):
think that I wouldn't bestereotypically not strong
enough or you know that I'm justhere almost as maybe here not
for the right reasons is what Iwas scared of.
And so I came in.
I was just trying to be thisvery humble, people pleasing
(10:55):
nurse and what happened was, Ithink a lot of people once they
saw, like my social media or Iwas open about what I had done
and what I was really.
I think in pageantry we areexcited to talk about what we've
accomplished because we knowhow hard we work for it.
But on the outside people justsee, maybe, the crown and they
(11:16):
think we just get theseopportunities Right.
But the truth is we have to workso hard.
So of course I'm going to be soexcited to share these things
and I think there was thatdisconnect there in that if I
was coming in being so excitedabout something I'd accomplished
, people were seeing it more asarrogance or seeing it as me
(11:39):
trying to distinguish myselffrom them.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
And so then I would backtrack and try to people
please and try to really justfit the mold and try to hide all
the parts of myself that mademe who I was before the Air
Force is so crazy that you aretalking about this right now,
because last week's episode wasabout humility versus confidence
, and no, yes and like and trytrying to figure out how do we
(12:05):
disconnect our our perception ofwhat we think other people
might be thinking of us or theway that they react to us and
and then have to, like, changeourselves and change the way
that we are talking aboutourselves and and like becoming
more of that like, I don't know.
It goes beyond humility when youhave to really close off
(12:26):
specific parts of who you areand, yeah, that's super
unfortunate.
I wanted to ask you do youexperience the reverse not
reverse stereotypes, but viceversa stereotypes as a pageant
title holder being military atthe same time, like within the
world of pageantry, do you feelthe same level of stereotypes
(12:48):
against you as a military memberthat you did as a pageant girl
in the military?
Speaker 2 (12:54):
I would say like when I went to nationals during
training, I was so proud to bein the Air Force.
I wanted every single aspect ofmy pageant journey to really
highlight that, because not onlydid I think that it made me a
little different in a standouttype way because of course we've
had Deshauna Barber, we've hadmany military pageant title
(13:16):
holders at this point but Ithink I was so proud going into
the pageant side to be military,but I didn't have that
opportunity on the military sideto be proud of being the
pageant side to be military, butI didn't have that opportunity
on the military side to be proudof being a pageant girl
Interesting.
Yeah, I think that really camedown to.
I put a lot into what is myidentity and what makes me
(13:38):
worthy.
And of course you know, ifyou're trying to earn your worth
, it's never going to work out.
But I thought, okay, if I canget this job, if I can get this
rank, if I can get this title,then I'll finally be worthy.
And of course it never worksout like that and I think that's
honestly what led to everythingthat led to my 104 day
hospitalization.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Right right, because, oh my gosh, there's such a
contrast between the two.
In pageantry, you arecelebrated for the uniqueness
that you bring and you'recelebrated for these other
experiences that you bring tothe table that make you dynamic
and diverse in your experiences.
But in the military, from whatI understand, you are in many
(14:24):
ways another number and youruniqueness is not celebrated in
the military, because you areall there for this very humble
purpose to be a team in defenseof our country and our freedoms.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Yes, I would say that is probably the biggest thing
I've struggled with in the AirForce is I came in with so many
aspirations, like when I was infamily medicine I wanted to be
in pediatrics.
When I was in pediatrics Iwanted to be in immunizations
and I was going to like,hopefully, go to immunizations.
I was also wanting to put inthis package for the rated
(15:02):
preparatory program so I couldfly, and it's because I knew
from my pageant experiences thatI could do everything right.
Like I'm very, I would say Idon't stop myself from any
opportunity because, even if itdoesn't go how I hoped, at least
I know right.
So I'm not saying that I'mextremely talented or anything
(15:26):
like that.
I just know that once you trythings that you may not have,
that's where you find yourpassion, and that's exactly what
happened with aviation, that'sexactly what happened with
medical, and so I think my yeah,biggest struggle was when I was
on the civilian side.
I could always make thingshappen right, like I could work
(15:47):
for it and I could attain it,but in the military it's really
tough having just a bunch ofno's with no explanation.
It's like I have thisopportunity.
I lived about three hours fromLA and I told my supervisor I
have this opportunity to do thisamazing photo shoot in LA and
it was just a no, noconversation, no explanation,
(16:10):
and that was always, I think,the hardest part for me because,
coming from the pageant side, Ithink we're just movers and
shakers and we make thingshappen.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
That had to have been such an exhausting and daunting
experience for you, and theother thing that I remember you
mentioning was that you werebunking with a lot of people
that were younger than you.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Air Force journey, joining later because of course
I'm in a spot where I want towork on my doctorate and I'm
just at a different spot in lifeand not to shame or blame
anyone else for their differentspots that they may be in but I
didn't want to be partying lateinto the night.
That was never my scene.
I wanted to go home and read abook and go to sleep at eight
because I knew I was going towake up at four.
I was not the kind that wantedto constantly be going out with
(17:12):
people and there would always bethese barbecues, these loud
barbecues, outside my window.
And it was a challenge becauseI could appreciate why people
wanted that more social and funatmosphere.
But my mindset was I havethings to accomplish and I need
to stay focused.
So if I'm coming home, I wantnot complete silence, but I want
(17:35):
a peaceful environment so thatI can study and so that I can
learn, so that I can be betterfor my patients.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
So you're in the Air Force Feels like Groundhog's Day
.
You are, you know, trying sohard to climb the ranks and to
be the best that you can bewithin the Air Force and for the
Air Force.
What happened?
Like what?
How did things kind of start tohead towards that?
The hospitalization.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yes, absolutely so.
I think that, because my worthhas always been based in
achievement, I doubled down andburnt the candle at both ends,
because for every no that Ireceived, I would just try to
find a new avenue to accomplishsomething else.
So if I was told, oh, you can'tbe an immunizations backup
(18:25):
technician at this time, totallyfine, I'll come back to it.
But I still have to be workingtowards something, because
that's just my personality.
I can't stay stagnant, becausethat's when I get in my head.
But as long as I'm constantlyworking towards something,
that's when I'm really able tojust put all of that, what could
potentially be negative energy,into something productive.
(18:45):
And so, goodness.
I think that what went wrong wasbecause I wanted to fly,
because that was my main goalcoming out of medical to fly,
going back to my Navy roots wasI didn't want anything to be
(19:05):
charted.
So when I started feeling veryanxious or started to experience
those depression symptoms, whathappened was I doubled down on.
We're just going to internalizethat and we're going to try to
be productive in other ways.
And what I found was, the moreI ignored it, the worse it got,
(19:29):
and I tried to do everything Iknew to do?
I would be watching all kindsof self-help videos, listening
to every podcast I could find onself-love, reading every
self-compassion book, just doingeverything I could.
That wouldn't alert the AirForce that I was having issues,
because I didn't want them tothink that I wasn't in a
(19:51):
duty-ready condition justbecause I was working so hard to
be the best that I could be.
It was during that time thatI'm still trying to do some of
the things I love, like I wouldgo flying all the time, not
through the Air Force, but juston my own time civilian side.
(20:11):
But what I do when I'm doublingdown on achievement and
productivity is I really do puteverything that would make me
happy or feel fulfilled to theside and just hone all in on
being as productive as Ipossibly can.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
And it was a recipe for disaster.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yes, absolutely.
I know.
That's even how I am now beingin school.
I will tell myself things likewell, if I watch 30 lectures a
day, then I can be ahead and Ican take the test by this date.
And it's not realistic.
But in my head it's all aboutgetting to that finish line and
(20:57):
I really struggle with beingmindful in the present moment.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Yeah, I think that's such a common, common experience
for anyone that is driven,anyone that is goal oriented,
anyone that you know valuesachievement so much for
themselves, like that makesperfect sense.
I don't think there's any shamein that by any means.
It's just a matter of reallyunderstanding that aspect of
yourself and figuring out how tofind that balance and
(21:23):
prioritizing that balance, whichis just something you know we
all learn as we go through it.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Yes.
So I started speaking with thechaplain and it was mainly
because there was supposed to befull confidentiality and so,
again, I didn't want anythingcharted.
So I figured, great, let's geta spiritual perspective.
And, and so I figured, great,let's get a spiritual
perspective and let's findalmost a counseling type service
, but not in a way where it'sgoing to be marked on my record
(21:51):
oh, she was seen by mentalhealth, because then of course
they would assume that you're aflight risk, and then why would
they send you to a ratedpreparatory program or anything
of the like?
So it was actually a day, it wasa Sunday, because I had went to
church that morning.
I had just messaged thechaplain and I told him like I'm
just feeling completelyhopeless, I don't know what to
(22:14):
do, like I feel like everythingthat's worked for me for 26
years before that wasn't working, where I doubled down on
working harder or just tryingnew avenues.
And his idea was okay, well,let's meet up, let's talk, and
we did.
And then he said why don't wejust go to the ER?
(22:35):
We'll see if there's a physicalreason that you're feeling this
way, and then you can go backto work tomorrow.
It was a Sunday night, and soat that time I was thinking, yes
, of course that makes totalsense.
Like my labs could be off oranything that would be causing
this, like I trustedwholeheartedly that I was going
(22:57):
to go to work that next day andit did not turn out that way.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
What influenced like your decision to go along with
going to the ER.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
He actually brought up like what if this was
physical?
I don't think that I was reallythinking that that could be the
reason.
I really did think that it wasmore mental health.
But when he said what ifthere's a physical reason, I
thought this is perfect.
If I'm getting checked out fora physical reason, it doesn't
stop me from doing what I wantto going forward.
(23:29):
There's no line across myapplication of oh, we can't have
her because she has a historyof mental illness or anything
like that, which is still sostigmatized in the military.
Of course we talk about howit's gotten better on the
civilian side, but there's a lotof problems that I guess
(23:51):
snowball once you start seeingmental health in the military.
But that's the other side ofthat is.
It stopped me in the way ofokay, now I can't fly.
But it also is something thatif you need that help, you need
to seek that help and I thinkthat's the best thing is keeping
(24:12):
yourself safe and healthy overanything, because I was
completely ready to just give upmy health completely for the
opportunity to fly and thatwouldn't have been beneficial.
Even if I would have earnedthat opportunity, I wouldn't
have been in the proper healthyspace to thrive like I wanted to
(24:32):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
So so your, your trip to the ER had everything to do
with.
Let's look at everything youknow from the inside out of what
could be causing you know theelevated stress, the you know
other you know mental healththings that you were
experiencing.
My experience going to the ERhad everything to do with I was
(24:55):
suicidal and I was in a verydangerous space for, you know,
being at risk to myself.
And so it's just, it'sfascinating to me the
differences in the urgencybetween our two stories, that it
was dire that that I receivesupport immediately.
But when I hear your story Ijust get brokenhearted because
(25:21):
it just adds to the stigma andthe fear of talking to someone
to seek that help.
And I can understand andappreciate if you know, within
the military that just it's alot of well, this could be
really catastrophic because ofthe rates of PTSD and suicide
(25:44):
that we see amongst veteransthat you know the response is,
you know, maybe a littleheightened because of that, but
for the circumstance that youwere in, I just that's so
disheartening to me that thatwas your experience.
So, okay, let's dive back in.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
So you go to the ER yes, and at this point I had no
reason to believe that I wouldbe having this extended stay.
So I asked the chaplain to staywith me the entire time, and he
did.
He was wonderful, and whereeverything changed was I
(26:21):
remember him telling me that hewas finally going to go home,
because like I said, it was aSunday night.
He had to work the next day andit was late, it was probably
around midnight or something, Ican't really remember and so I
thought like, okay, yeah,totally fine, I'll be home soon
or in a couple hours.
I'll be going to work the nextday too.
And then, as soon as he leaves,they're escorting me out and
(26:46):
I'm thinking my car is this way.
I brought my car because I'mthinking I'm going to work.
They're escorting me out theother side of the building and
what they're telling me is thatfor any mental health concerns
military side, not only are yougoing to have this 72 hour hold,
the 5150, but you also have togo into basically an inpatient
(27:12):
program.
And so it's not like thecivilian side where it's just
like the stabilization and thenyou get to go home and be with
friends and family.
Like I was absolutely shockedthat when I went in I'm
absolutely shocked that when Iwent in I didn't feel like I was
exhibiting any signs of needingimmediate help.
(27:35):
I mean, I knew that it was moreof a chronic thing at that
point.
It wasn't an acute that I'mlike, like you said,
disassociation or anything thatwas very like.
In this moment we need tostabilize.
It wasn't critical you weren'tin a state of crisis, you
(27:56):
weren't at risk to yourself orto anybody else.
Yeah, it was just this, I don'teven know how to describe it.
It was a whirlwind because, yes, I knew that I was not in a
healthy place, but I didn'tthink that the action they took
was beneficial, in that it wasmore traumatizing to me to be
(28:18):
taken away from my car.
Of course, when you're goinginto inpatient, like your strip
search, you have no access toyour phone.
You don't have anything,anything.
They put us in um scrubs, whichwas funny, because I thought
like, oh, okay, well, I guessthis kind of lends to my job,
(28:40):
right?
I was trying to make any kindof connection familiar, yeah,
and I just kept thinking like,okay, so I'm fully compliant,
I'm fully emotionally regulated,they're going to let me go.
This is just like gone way toofar.
There was a misunderstanding,and so basically what happened
(29:00):
was when I first received careat dignity, it was going to be a
72 hour hold and they told methat they would speak.
I would speak with the doctorin the morning and then they
would decide what happened.
At this point I still didn'tknow the whole inpatient side of
things, so I just thought, okay, I'll speak with the doctor,
then I go to work.
(29:21):
I just wanted to get to work, Iwanted to see my patients.
I really just did not want tobe in that situation anymore.
And so when I spoke with thedoctor, I was very, very, very
surprised how curt he was withme, because I was thinking, if
you're speaking with a patientthat is struggling more than
(29:41):
anything, why would you be soharsh and critical and just the
absolute opposite of empatheticand I remember calling the
chaplain and I was sobbing.
It was the first time I hadshown emotion throughout this
entire thing, and it hadprobably been I don't even know
just a day at that point and Itold him like I got to get out
(30:06):
of here.
This isn't what I wanted, thisisn't helpful, this is making
things worse.
And basically what I was toldwas you're going to be sent to a
place called Rio Vista and it'sgoing to be like a vacation,
it's going to be someplace whereyou can relax and recuperate
and learn skills.
And I did not want to go, but Ialso thought, okay, I'll trust
(30:30):
the process.
This is terrifying, this is notwhat I wanted, but let's see
how it is.
And I get there.
And again, just the immediacy ofit was, I think, the most
traumatizing, because you'regetting searched again, you're
having I didn't even get to packmy bag my first sergeant packed
(30:52):
my bag, so I didn't even reallynecessarily know what was in my
bag and, of course, you canonly have your three outfits and
like one book, that's it.
And so I'm in Rio Vista and Iremember just going into this
big day room because throughoutthe day, we were only allowed to
(31:13):
be in the day room for safetyreasons, and I was just beyond
shocked, sad, confused, likejust so much fear, and I didn't
know what to expect.
And I just remember again, thiswas the second time throughout
this whole process I juststarted sobbing.
So I was at this lunch table,surrounded by everyone.
(31:36):
My first impression was mesobbing, and I don't remember a
lot of specifics from when I wasinpatient and I think that's
just because it was sooverwhelming and the issue I had
was it was a higher level ofcare than I felt like I needed,
(31:57):
and so we I was in a space wherepeople were detoxing or
experiencing active psychosis orthese other issues that I
wasn't suffering from, and so itwas really scary to be put in a
situation that I had never beenin before, because maybe if I
(32:17):
had worked more on the mentalhealth side of things, I would
have understood more, because Ithink I did learn a lot.
Like before I went to Rio Vista, I knew absolutely nothing
about psychosis, and now I havejust the most immense empathy
because I would be speaking withthese patients and they would
be just as sad and frustratedbecause they're saying I'm here
(32:38):
for this issue, but I don'tbelieve I have this issue.
But then you're almost feelinglike you're being gaslit to a
certain extent because everyoneelse is telling you what your
problem is, when you don't feellike it is.
And then, yeah, they're tellingyou like, basically, that
you're in denial if you don'tjust take the diagnosis.
And that was really frustratingfor me because it felt like
(32:59):
there was no agency or autonomy.
It was just we're telling youthere's something wrong with you
.
And so at that point they hadjust said that I had an
adjustment disorder, which wasfrustrating to me mainly because
, yes, at this point I do thinkI did to a certain extent,
(33:21):
because I wasn't fitting themold of, maybe, the person who
came straight out of high schooland, you know, I didn't really
fit the key, like the keyfactors that would have maybe
made me mesh better.
But what was frustrating to mewas I didn't feel like the
issues that I was facing were myfault and I I always wanted to
(33:43):
take almost too much how wouldyou say I wanted to take the
blame for things, because then Ifelt like I could fix it.
Right, right, right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
Take ownership, you take accountability and then
somehow that that gives you thesense of having some kind of
control over it, kind of controlover it.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Yeah, so I was thinking like, okay, even though
I don't feel like my at thispoint, my sleep was interrupted
because of the environment Iwasn't eating as much Like there
was a lot of other concernsthat were compounding, and I
think that that's something thatI've always struggled with was
(34:25):
when I, if you think of Maslow'shierarchy of needs, when I'm
focusing on those top levels, Icompletely neglect the basic
levels I'm not focused on.
Did I eat today, or did I getadequate sleep to watch all
these lectures I'm just focusedon.
We're going to accomplish Right, right, yeah, and I think
that's that's a common conflict.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Right, right, yeah, and I think that's that's a
common common thing.
Right, like I could.
If I'm really zoned in onsomething, I hours will go by
without realizing it.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
Absolutely yeah.
So I spent my time at Rio Vista.
Unfortunately, I felt like itmade things a lot worse just
because I didn't feel like Ireceived necessarily therapeutic
care there.
I felt like in that specificsituation they were more focused
on heavily sedating people thanactually helping them with the
issues that may have broughtthem there.
And so I came back to base.
(35:25):
And so I came back to base andat this point they were having
me go to the hospital in SantaMaria, about 30 minutes away up
there, like Monday throughFriday, just to make sure that
everything was good.
They didn't want me going backto work because they said that
would be more traumatizing.
But I don't think that theyunderstood again, because I
didn't fit that stereotypicalmold that going back to work
(35:48):
would have been the most healthything that could have happened
to me, because it would havegiven me some semblance of
normalcy.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
Yeah, and the stability.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Yeah, Instead of something happened and now
everything's changed.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
So so this program that you were in was like an
intensive outpatient program.
Okay, yes.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
So that's when I was going to Balanced Treatment
Center and I met some of themost incredible people there.
I can't even say enough aboutthe patients there, because most
of them were actually from mybase.
We had like maybe two civilians, but I was just shocked at that
point on how everyone that Imet throughout that situation
(36:33):
they felt the same as me wherethey're saying this was taken
way too far.
Yes, there are concerns andthey should be addressed, but it
really didn't need to be tothis level.
And so, at this point, need tobe to this level.
And so at this point, most ofthem were saying that they were
getting med boarded, and thatwas my biggest fear.
I didn't want to get out of theAir Force at all.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
That was not my goal.
Okay, define what that means inlayman's terms for those of us
that don't understand what medboard is.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Yes, Basically, it's just the military's way of
saying that you have a medicalcondition that makes you not
necessarily fit to fight.
So if they're saying and itcould be physical, it could be
mental, it could be any kind ofmedical condition that basically
will impact your service.
And so my whole goal, of course, was to get back to work.
(37:24):
I did not want to get out ofthe Air Force, so it really
scared me hearing all thesepeople, but it also, oppositely,
gave me peace in the sense thatthey were very pro getting out
because of all of the thingsthey had suffered throughout
their service.
That it did give me for thefirst time the perspective that
(37:46):
getting out wouldn't be the endof the world, right, that even
that if it wasn't what youwanted, there were benefits,
like you would still get your GIbill, you would still get all
of these benefits, but it wouldjust be very different than
being active duty.
And so it wasn't even a monthinto being into balance
(38:12):
treatment center.
That again I spoke with thechaplain.
He knew everything thathappened at Rio Vista and I told
him like I'm experiencing, likethese flashbacks I'm
experiencing where just certainthings are so overwhelming, like
I would walk into thecommissary, and everything would
be too colorful and it wouldjust literally take my breath
(38:32):
away, like I was justoverstimulated, overwhelmed, and
I kept thinking that I wasstill in Rio Vista and I was
going to wake up and still betrapped if you can yeah?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Yeah, so basically in a, in a space that didn't feel
safe or helpful to you but thatyou had no opportunity to to get
out of it.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Yeah, and I mean being medical, I knew about AMA,
so leaving against medicaladvice, and so of course, when I
was at Rio Vista, I asked like,can I leave?
What do I need to sign, whatcan I do?
And basically I was told youdon't have agency here, because
you are government property.
They decide when you leave.
And so I just had thisreoccurring fear, because I
(39:18):
wasn't in that normal space ofbeing back to work like that.
I didn't know where I was.
It was such a limbo and sobasically I had, just how we
were talking aboutdisassociation, just this moment
where all the like sadness andanger and fear and everything, I
just shut off.
I felt nothing, I was just Idon't even know how to describe
(39:43):
it.
I think it's almost worse thanwhen I was sobbing or anything
like that, because when you'rein those moments I feel like
there's a greater chance, thatyou feel like you'll get through
them, but when you're shut down, you just think there's nothing
you can do, there's no logicalthinking, because it's all
(40:04):
emotional even though you feelno emotion.
You're so far on the emotionalside exactly.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
You're so, so dysregulated that, yeah, it
doesn't when, yeah, when you're,when you're sobbing, when
you're sad, when you're angry,there's still some semblance of
power in that, that sense ofautonomy in your sense of self.
But yeah, when, when you, whenyou are in that dissociative
state, it can very much feeljust kind of stuck.
Speaker 2 (40:33):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
And empty.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
And so it was about one week until my birthday and
my mom was going to fly down.
We were going to watch Miss USAin person because it was in LA,
and I was so excited because,again, I was like this is some
semblance of normalcy, like Ican go into this, like I love
pageants, this is something Iwant to do, this is fun.
(40:55):
And so this whole entire timethey had approved my leave,
saying that this would be goodfor me because this was
something I loved before themilitary.
And then what happened was Iwent up to my first sergeant's
office thinking, yes, things areturning around, I'm going to
get to go back to work, andbasically they said that there
was a concerned coworker andthat this person had said that
(41:18):
they believed that I was goingto take my life Not something
that I had told any concernedco-worker.
They wouldn't tell me who madethis comment, they wouldn't tell
me necessarily why this wascoming up now.
Like I thought that things weregoing in a positive direction
and then I got hit with this andthere was a lot of things that
(41:41):
I feel like the Air Forcehandled extremely poorly in that
situation, because if theytruly believed that that was the
case.
I don't think that I shouldhave just been sent off on my
way to go to balance that day,and they did.
They just told me that theysaid my leave was retracted, my
mom can't come, I'm not going tomiss USA because of this
(42:03):
comment by someone that theywon't tell me who said it.
And basically they just told mego to balance.
Like it is what it is, I wentinto that complete overwhelmed
state and for about the nextfour hours I don't remember
anything that happened.
I find myself in Monterey,which is very far from
(42:26):
Vandenberg, and I remembercalling the chaplain and I told
him like oh, my goodness, doesthis mean that I'm AWOL?
Like what does this mean?
I'm like so freaked out Like Idon't know what's happening,
like this is just gone.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
You drove yourself there.
Speaker 2 (42:44):
Yes, okay, yes, yes, yes, yes, in this complete state
of overwhelm where I just Idon't even remember it.
I wasn't I mean, it might'vebeen racing thoughts, but I just
feel like I wasn't eventhinking honestly.
And so, basically, that wholesituation again was handled so
(43:05):
poorly because they were like,well, you have to come back.
And so, rationally, I wasthinking, of course, yes, I have
to come back, but the fear inme kept me from wanting to go
back because I was so scared ofthe consequences, so they
weren't telling me what wasgoing to happen.
When I came back and of courseI'm already in this state of
(43:27):
overwhelm my mind is going amillion miles per hour.
That anything could happenbecause of what just occurred,
like things were only going toget worse, was my just spiraling
thoughts.
And so anytime I would start todrive back to Vandenberg, I
would either stop or I'd turnaround, just because I was so
(43:48):
fearful, just absolutelyovercome with fear.
And so at one point I rememberI did start driving back.
I was about halfway home, I hadbeen up there most of the day,
and so I was driving home, andthat's when they actually had
California Highway Patrol detainme and sent me to Navidad for
(44:12):
treatment, and that was scarywithin itself because, of course
, I've never had any kind ofexperience with law enforcement
or anything like that.
So I went to Navidad and I justkept asking like can I call my
first sergeant?
Can I call my mom?
Can I call like anyone Like canI just speak with someone?
(44:32):
And they kept saying not.
Until I was seen by theprovider.
That took about 24 hours whereI was just sitting in a
completely empty room withnothing.
It was just a bed, nothing else.
And so, um, finally they said,like you'll be transported back
to Santa Maria.
So I actually ended up back indignity, which was the place
that started it all, and theytold me that they were going to
(44:56):
send me to Utah.
And I just kept telling them Ican't go inpatient again.
I can't.
That experience made things somuch worse.
I cannot go back.
And they're like telling methat this place is so much
different and so much better.
But cannot go back.
And they're like telling methat this place is so much
different and so much better.
But at that point I had noreason to believe it and I go
into strong hope.
So they had someone from basecome and fly with me and I go to
(45:20):
Utah, and my first couple ofdays were really rough, very,
very rough.
It was, I would say, a 180 fromRio Vista, in that it cost less
but the impact was so muchgreater and I don't know.
It was just the difference ofbeing in a place for what you
actually needed that, I think,made all the difference, because
(45:43):
Rio Vista was so different thanwhat I needed at that time.
And then Strong Hope I foundjust, oh my goodness, the most
amazing curriculum, the mostamazing people.
So we were able to do thisamazing programming.
We'd go to the National AbilityCenter where you could do
(46:04):
anything from hiking to archeryor obstacle courses.
It was incredible.
We would do CrossFit every week, we would do yoga, we had, I
think, like five textbooks thatwe would work through and we
would have these lectures,lectures with therapists, and we
would have homework.
It was amazing.
We're actually doing the workand I actually voluntarily
(46:26):
extended when I was at StrongHope because I just loved it so
much and I felt like I wasgetting so much out of it.
But unfortunately it was on mybirthday that the Air Force
called to tell me that they haddecided my condition was too bad
to be rectified and so theywere going to be separating me
(46:48):
and so, as much as I wanted touse my last amount of time at
Strong Hope, just like lovingthe girls and learning as much
as I could, I was again in thatlike state of panic and
overwhelm and sadness andeverything, because I was just
trying to fight this discharge,because it was never my goal to
leave the Air Force.
I just wanted to be the best Icould be for the Air Force, and
(47:10):
so do you think if you had goneto Strong Hope right off the bat
, things would have beendifferent.
I think that it's easy to sayyes, but I also think that
knowing how horrible it was tobe at Rio Vista made me
appreciate Strong Hope more,because there were people at
Strong Hope that, of course,it's their first time not having
(47:32):
any of their belongings andhaving to be watched while
they're in the restroom, and allthese things that come with
being in an inpatientpsychiatric facility while
they're in the restroom, and allthese things that come with
being in an inpatientpsychiatric facility, and they
didn't have the sameappreciation for it that I did,
because they didn't really knowhow much worse it could be.
And so in that case, I wouldsay I am grateful for Rio Vista
(47:53):
for that, because I feel like Ireally saw the worst and the
best.
Speaker 1 (47:57):
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, I think that just goesto show for for any situation
that you're in.
When you're going through it itcould be absolutely horrific,
but at some point you reach astate where you can look back
and find some appreciation forwhat you went through, whether
it is expanding your, yourperspectives, if it's, you know,
(48:19):
providing you opportunity todevelop more empathy for people,
to develop a greaterunderstanding for the world, to
build relationships that younever would have had, to gain a
deeper understanding about whoyou are and how you handle
stress and how you handle change.
It's from those places whereit's, you know, feels like
(48:42):
catastrophe.
It feels so dark, feels lonely,feels traumatizing.
It's those experiences that,once we get to the other side,
we realize how much we've gainedfrom that experience, whereas
you know, if you know whenyou're going through something
that feels easy to you, you'reyou're not growing as much.
(49:06):
I think there's a time and placefor both.
We need to have thoseexperiences where we are
learning and growing and we needto have the respite of those
times when it's calm and that wecan just heal and recover and
appreciate everything that we'vegone through in the past and
where we are at now.
So, yeah, it's a wild journeythat you went through and I
(49:28):
really appreciate you beingvulnerable and transparent to
share these experiences thatyou've had.
How I mean looking back now onthe other side, how do you think
you will approach experiencesin the future that come with
really big lifestyle change orchallenges, or being in a space
(49:53):
where you're kind of stuck,where you're not able to have
that forward motion, thatdevelopment, that aspirational
climb that you thrive on?
Having been through this, Imean, what do you think that
experience would be like in thefuture?
Speaker 2 (50:14):
I know that I still need to work on self-compassion
a lot.
I would say when I was atStrong Hope, my therapist
actually gave me a book onself-compassion a lot.
I would say when I was atStrong Hope, my therapist
actually gave me a book onself-compassion and I told him I
didn't even know that that wasa concept I know about
compassion for others.
I didn't know aboutself-compassion, and so I think
it is all about balance, havingthat grace for yourself, because
(50:38):
of course you're going to beoverwhelmed if you're trying to
go a hundred miles per hourevery single day.
And I think that there's like alot of value in when you are
driven, having those momentswhere you're going a hundred
miles per hour, because that'swhen you feel most productive
and excited and you're makingprogress towards this big goal.
But it can't be all the time,and I think that's something
(51:00):
that now I realize more, so thatif I give up on the things that
I love to try to focus in on agoal so much, I'm going to be in
so much more stress, I'm notgoing to enjoy the process
whatsoever.
But if you can find thatbalance where it's like, okay, I
just took this really big test,but maybe I'll go flying for an
(51:24):
hour, because it's kind of likea reward, it makes things fun,
it gives you something to lookforward to.
I mean, I know, even when wewould take our PT tests, a
former chaplain that I had inTexas he would tell me that he
would always schedule a massagefor right after the PT test,
because the entire PT test, hewould just be thinking about
that massage.
And I think we do need to focuson that reward aspect.
(51:47):
When you're so driven becausewe live in a culture of treat
yourself right and some peopletake it overboard but I think
when you're so driven you'relike well, I can't treat myself
until I get the doctorate andthen you're for five years just
so stressed out and burnt out.
But finding those small winswhere you can say, wow, that
cardiology exam was so hard, I'mgoing to take a break because
(52:10):
it's well-earned.
Speaker 1 (52:11):
Yeah, absolutely Finding the things to celebrate
along the way, not just, youknow, the the award at the very,
very end, because, as we know,like there's so much joy in the
journey and once you get to thatend it's like, okay, what's
next?
Like it's so short lived toexperience the joy of
(52:33):
accomplishment before now we'reonto the next thing, because
it's not about theaccomplishment itself, it's
about the journey, getting thereand the experiences that you
have along the way.
So, taking those moments topause and to celebrate and
reward yourself it's like sopowerful to help you maintain
that momentum so that you don'tburn out and fizzle out.
(52:54):
For sure, this wholeconversation and the negative
experiences of behavioral health, mental health treatment can
perpetuate stigma and canperpetuate the fear of actually
getting help, and it's somethingthat I've called like treatment
fatigue, when, when trying tofind a therapist that works for
(53:15):
you, it can be daunting and tothe point where, like, you
procrastinate or you completelyavoid because it feels so
overwhelming.
And then you know, in thosemoments when, like I remember
being in such a state ofdepression that I had no energy
or interest or willingness toeven start looking for help for
(53:36):
myself, even though those werethe times that I needed it the
most, looking for help formyself, even though those were
the times that I needed it themost.
Avoiding treatment is you'reputting off.
Feeling better is ultimatelywhat's happening, and so, for me
, getting into treatment andmaintaining that treatment and
(53:57):
keeping up with my appointmentshas been everything for me in
order to maintain my ability todo everything that I love in
this life.
So what would be your advice,having been through everything
that you have and the trauma ofit, the stigma of it, even the
shame of it, like not wanting toshare with other people what
you've been through, and nowyou're sitting here with me
(54:19):
sharing your entire story insuch a powerful way?
What is your advice to someonethat may be in a space where
they know they should probablyseek treatment, but don't really
know what to do, or they havethat fear?
Speaker 2 (54:36):
Absolutely.
I think you make a great pointwith finding your right
therapist, because I would saymy first therapist what I
struggled with was that even ifshe was mid-sentence, if our
time was up, she'd cut off muchas I could before the time ran
(55:02):
out.
And you need to find atherapist that really is going
to make you feel better, notmake you feel like you have to
even be a certain way.
I know with my last therapistwhen I was in the Air Force,
when he would give me all thispraise for getting better, I
felt like I couldn't be honestabout the moments where it was
worse, because I didn't want tomaybe let him down or seem like
there was any backsliding,because up until the day that I
(55:24):
was separated, I still had hopethat my rebuttal would mean that
I was still in.
So I would always go intomental health like everything's
great, there are no problems,and I think that my best
therapist was actually at StrongHope and I honestly hate is a
(55:44):
strong word but I hated this manin the beginning.
I think what I really came tojust absolutely love about him
was he challenged me in a waythat others didn't and I think a
lot of time when you're highachieving people feel like they
maybe can't challenge you.
I don't know if that makessense, but he would tell me like
(56:08):
no, you're wrong.
Or he would just be very bluntwith me.
And for some people of coursethat wouldn't work, but for me
it kind of got me out of myperfectionistic mindset where
it's like, whoa, hold up, okay,wait, why?
And then I would want to gointo that inquiry with him
instead of.
I never felt supported by, likeat Balance, the therapist.
(56:30):
They're very much, yes,therapists.
So you could say anything andit would be just validating it,
but you weren't gettingdifferent perspectives or
feeling like you were growing.
It was weren't gettingdifferent perspectives or
feeling like you were growing.
It was just kind of honestly tome, feeling like I was talking
to a wall.
So I think you need to findwhat kind of therapist is best
for you Because, like I said, Idon't think that everyone would
(56:54):
want that direct kind ofcommunication like I had at
Strong Hope.
That could be very traumatizingif you're already in a bad
space, but that's what workedfor me.
A lot of the psychologists Ilisten to they say there's
different kinds of therapy, ofcourse, but there's different
ways to be a therapist.
Are you going to just listen tothem because they need someone
to speak to, because that's veryvalid.
(57:15):
Maybe you don't want the advice.
Or are you like me, where youwant an action plan, like if I
can tell you my problems and youcan give me a one, two, three.
That's what I want.
So it's gonna be a process.
You can't just assume that thefirst one's going to be the
right one and you really need tofind what works best for you.
(57:35):
And if you think of it, like wewere saying, as a journey, it's
actually kind of excitingbecause you get to think, okay,
this didn't work for me, why?
And this is great, but why do Iresonate with it?
And why did this other thingmake me feel worse?
Or I think it's just a veryinteresting, almost like a study
(57:57):
on yourself of.
Of course, I'm coming like froman educational perspective, but
I always want to know the whymore than anything.
I want to know, okay, so ifwhat is this?
Emdr works for some people, butthe one time I did it I felt so
uncomfortable and I just reallydidn't like it.
(58:20):
And so there's different thingslike that where I would say
don't just go with somethingbecause maybe it's popular, like
you heard about DBT, so you'regoing to try it and you think
that's the only way.
I love DBT, so do I.
Speaker 1 (58:34):
DBT works for me because it is the type of
therapy that is specificallytargeted towards the issues that
I have with the most emotionaldysregulation and and things.
So, yeah, you know, there arecertain therapies that work,
based off of whatever yourcircumstances are, and the thing
that I find interesting is like, yeah, like wanting to dive
(58:55):
into the why and how powerfulthat can be, because you learn
so much about yourself.
But what I also learned andgravitate towards is not just
the why and how powerful thatcan be, because you learn so
much about yourself, but what Ialso learned and gravitate
towards is not just the why butthe how.
Okay, so, understanding why Iexperienced this or why I may
react this way is helpful to anextent, but what's more helpful
(59:16):
is how do I cope?
How do I build skills?
How do I recognize which toolsI need to be using in certain
situations?
The how has been the mostimpactful aspect for me when it
comes to therapy is having atherapist that literally said to
(59:38):
me yeah, the why is intriguingand yeah, we could sit here and
do a nosedive into your historyand your trauma and like why you
are quote, unquote the way youare today, but that's not going
to actually help you live thelife that you want to live.
It's all about the how.
What is it that we need to bedoing to be moving forward?
And I just thought that thatwas the most empowering thing
(01:00:00):
for me in that time.
And I'm still with thattherapist.
But yeah, I went through a lotof therapists.
I think, too.
The other downfall and thingthat I would advise against is
sticking with a therapist ifthey're not working for you.
Speaker 2 (01:00:14):
Absolutely.
You need to find your match.
It's like I think of it almostlike a friendship.
Don't stick with someone justbecause they're in proximity,
right.
Really find the person that'sgoing to click with you and
they're going to make you better, because they're going to make
you think differently, or noteven that they're changing your
(01:00:36):
perspective, but they're givingyou different insights.
And there's just so much powerin finding the person that you
feel comfortable with, becauseif you're going to a therapist
you're not comfortable with,you're not going to make
progress.
Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
Yes, okay.
So, as we're wrapping up here,I need to know what's next for
you in the pageant world and inlife.
Speaker 2 (01:00:55):
Yes, so my title, miss Royal United Universe.
We will be having our pageantthis summer, and so I'm so
excited to be crowning the newgirls.
I'm just, I'm so proud of thework they've done.
We're such a small system stilland just these girls are so
incredible and I think I go intomom mode because I just want to
(01:01:18):
give them everything.
Like I'm just so proud of them.
Like when you see the mom atthe sports game taking 100
photos that's me with our girlsI think I'm really, really
excited to finally meet peoplein person and just I haven't
been on a stage.
In goodness, by the time summercomes, it'll be three years.
So, even though I won't becompeting, I think it's going to
(01:01:48):
be just wonderful, wonderful tobe in front of an audience
again, of just being aroundthese girls that are so highly
motivated to be not only betterfor themselves but for their
community, like they're justdoing so much for the world and
I'm just so proud of them.
Speaker 1 (01:01:57):
Yeah, absolutely, for sure.
Okay, and then are you planningon competing again after you
give up your title?
Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
Goodness, I would say after, most likely, I earn my
doctorate, I will be competingagain.
But it's just such a heavyworkload and of course there
comes a lot, I think, ofinternalized shame, of always
feeling like I'm not doingenough, and so I want to be able
to be in that place where I'mable to give everything to my
(01:02:24):
title because I love it and notout of a sense of obligation so
much as like, with this system,I would do anything for this
system.
They've been so good to me.
But of course I want to be ableto do more and I feel like,
because of my experience withbeing hospitalized and being in
the Air Force and holding thistitle the next title I have I
really want to be in a placewhere I can give more of myself
(01:02:46):
to it.
Speaker 1 (01:02:47):
Sure yeah, and in giving yourself more to it,
you're also receiving so muchfrom the experience too.
Ok, so you said that thisorganization is pretty small, so
tell us a little bit more aboutit and how you know how to find
out more information or to getinvolved as a participant.
Speaker 2 (01:03:05):
Absolutely, so you can connect with me, miss Royal
United Universe, on Instagram orFacebook.
Or, of course, you can add me,sienna Lonnie Richards, on
Instagram or Facebook.
Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
And I will add those links to the show description so
you can click right there.
Speaker 2 (01:03:20):
Thank you, and you can also just look up United
Universe Productions.
It talks all about what wereally stand for.
And I think what drew me tothis pageant in the first place
was there was such a broad rangeof categories.
It wasn't just necessarily theage divisions that you expect.
It was really a system wherethey said you can be anyone and
(01:03:44):
we want to support you in that.
Oh, I love that At a time thatwe need that the most.
Speaker 1 (01:03:49):
We need so much more inclusion and opportunity for
people of diverse backgrounds.
So so cool.
Well, sierra, I'm so excited tosee where you know your
doctorate journey takes you andyour future in pageantry and in
leadership opportunities andservice opportunities, because
you absolutely do have so muchto give, and I know you've been
(01:04:10):
told no quite a few times in thepast, but it's just making you
stronger and you clearly havegained so much wisdom about
yourself and about the worldthrough that.
So thank you so much for beinghere, for sharing your heart and
your story.
I know that it's not an easything to talk about I absolutely
know that but you share it soeloquently and it's in a way
(01:04:33):
that helps others learn andnavigate and empower themselves
as well in their own mentalhealth journey.
So thank you so much for that.
I appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (01:04:42):
Thank you and I appreciate you.
Thank you for being open andvulnerable, because I would not
have been had I not been on yourZoom call that day.
Speaker 1 (01:04:50):
Yeah, absolutely.
Which, speaking of Zoom calls?
I would be remiss if I didn'tremind everyone that our next
masterclass is coming up onTuesday, the 25th, from 7 to 8
pm Central Time.
Click the link to register.
This masterclass is onconfidence and mindset, so we're
going to be talking all aboutthe skills and tools that you
(01:05:12):
need to develop that winningmindset as you head into
whatever next venture you aregoing towards, whatever your
goals might be for this year, toreally set you up for success.
If you can't make it, I will besending out the recording of it
so you can at least access itlater.
With that, that's all I got.
All right, sierra.
Thank you again for joining usand to my beautiful Sash and
(01:05:34):
Soul community, thank you forlistening, for tuning in and for
your continued support.
I'm pretty sure this episodemay bring us to 5,000 downloads,
which is incredible.
I know I'm so excited.
Like, just keep hitting some ofthese aspirational
accomplishments, just oh, itjust gives you so much
motivation to keep going.
(01:05:55):
So thanks for listening.
Everyone, be well, take care ofyourselves and until next time,
bye.
Hey, sash and Soul Fam.
Before we dive into today'sepisode, I want to give you a
quick heads up.
We'll be discussing mentalhealth, which may include
conversations about anxiety,depression and suicide.
If you or someone you know isstruggling, help is available.
You can call or text 988 toreach the Suicide and Crisis
(00:20):
Lifeline, or visit988lifelineorg for free
confidential support 24-7.
Take care of yourself and ifthis episode feels too heavy,
it's okay to pause or skip.
You're not alone and yourwell-being matters.
Now let's get into it.
Hello everyone, welcome back toSash and Soul.
(00:41):
I am so excited to welcome aguest today on the podcast.
Sierra Richards is Miss RoyalUnited States.
She has graciously said shewould join me to talk about like
a really powerful topic.
Today we're going to talk aboutmental health, mental wellness
(01:02):
and receiving treatment for yourmental health and wellness, no
matter what goal you're goingfor.
So let me give you a littlebackground before I officially
introduce Sierra here.
I hosted the January masterclassat the end of January and
Sierra was one of the attendeesin the masterclass, and during
the masterclass, we were talkingabout our 2025 vision and
(01:24):
setting goals.
I talked about some of theexperiences that I've had in the
past that have led me to whereI'm at today and really
influence my vision for myself,no matter what goals I'm setting
, and one of the things thatI've experienced is being
hospitalized for mental health,and so, after sharing that story
in the masterclass year, I hadreached out to me.
(01:45):
We connected just in a DM and Istarted going down the rabbit
hole of looking at her Facebookpage or Instagram and everything
, and she had a pinned postabout her experience with mental
health treatment and beinghospitalized, and so we hopped
on a call and had a reallybeautiful conversation and
decided, like this is such avaluable topic that we wanted to
(02:08):
bring it to all of you as well.
So, with that, welcome, sierra.
Thank you for joining me.
I'm super excited to dive intothis with you today, just to
have a really genuine, authenticconversation about, kind of a
serious and stigmatized topic.
So why don't you go ahead andintroduce yourself?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
Thank you so much for having me.
Yes, as you said, my name isSierra Nalani Richards.
I was born in Hawaii, but Igrew up in Washington State and
currently I hold the title ofMiss United Universe.
And I actually have this titlefor two years.
So this is my second year andit's been a really beautiful
experience because my directorhas been so supportive
(02:50):
throughout the hospitalizationand the different things that I
faced being in the Air Force,where I wasn't able to do some
of the appearances I wanted toor be as involved as I've been
in the past, so she has beenwonderful in working with me
through all of this.
I'm currently a doctoralstudent and just really my
(03:12):
biggest thing is being missionminded and servant hearted, so
anything I can do to help others, that's why I'm going into
medical, that's what I did inthe Air Force and I just really
want people to feel better.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
So, okay, let's dive into a little bit.
How did you get to the militaryto begin with?
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Of course.
So it started out when I was inhigh school.
Of course the recruiters werecoming into the lunchroom and
everyone had always had thisstereotype that the most
intelligent people go into theAir Force right, just like how
the strongest people go into theMarines.
So I always wanted to go intothe Air Force and it was
something that I was trying topursue, but it wasn't
(03:53):
wholeheartedly at that pointbecause I didn't know what
career path I wanted to go into.
At that point I was like a lotof people where I kind of
assumed that the military wasjust going to be more of that
almost infantry style job.
I didn't realize that there'sso many career opportunities in
the military.
So everyone was telling me getyour degrees first and then go
(04:16):
in.
So within those nine years fromhigh school and joining because
I joined- much later than mostpeople.
I earned my master's and I hadall of these wonderful
opportunities, studying abroadand having all this vast career
experience.
And then it was right beforeCOVID that I thought okay, this
is a dream that I had and I wantto fulfill it.
(04:39):
And so the Air Force,unfortunately, wasn't calling me
back, and so I tried to sign upfor active guard and reserve.
And of course, there is thestereotype that the Air Force
isn't the most communicativebecause it's one of the harder
branches to get into.
And so at this point I knewthat there was a Navy recruiting
station just about 30 minutesaway and I put in an interest
(05:03):
form online and I was just soeager that I ended up calling
them right after I put theinterest form in and I told them
ship me for anything, I don'tmind what job, just whatever
leaves the soonest.
I'm so excited to join.
I think this is really the nextstep for me.
And we went in there.
We spent hours, me and my dad,talking with my recruiter and
(05:25):
they were just very fun, lovingand real, and that's what I
think I love so much about theNavy side is it's so authentic.
And so I ended up going througha bunch of tests.
I think it ended up being like22 tests.
I was qualifying for everythingthat I possibly want to do and
it was the I believe he's achief petty officer.
(05:47):
He told me oh, why don't youtry aviation?
And at that point I wasterrified to fly so I thought,
absolutely not, I have nointerest in that.
But he really encouraged me,saying well, you have really
excelled in all these othercategories, don't cut yourself
off from an opportunity.
And so I started studyingaviation and just absolutely
(06:09):
fell in love with it.
And so it was three days beforeI was about to ship for Naval
flight officer and the Air Forcefinally calls me back after
nine years, that's so wild.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
To me it's so wild and like, and two, I just I keep
thinking like man, like it'slike the second, that you kind
of release the thing that youwant the most and you start kind
of going in a differentdirection, exploring other
options.
It's like that opportunity popsup.
It's like when you lost yourkeys and you feel like you've
searched everywhere, and it'slike when you finally give up
(06:43):
and stop looking, then they justlike show up on the countertop.
It's like when you lost yourkeys and you feel like you've
searched everywhere, and it'slike when you finally give up
and stop looking, then they justlike show up on the countertop.
It's like.
To me it's that kind of aconcept and I don't know if that
sounds crazy, but for me that'slike law of attraction,
manifestation, kind of energy oflike.
Let it go, release it, it'llcome to you.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Absolutely.
And I think that with peopletoo like if we have that anxious
energy trying to attach toanything, that's when we're
going to have that oppositemagnetic repelling right, you
really want to just say if it'sfor me, it'll come to me Going
into the Air Force side.
Really, I didn't want.
(07:17):
My biggest fear was that Iwould feel that I was settling
if I didn't go for what I wantedfirst, and so I didn't want to
have whether it be a great or anegative Navy experience.
I didn't want to constantly becomparing it to what my Air
Force experience would have been.
So I went into it thinking, okay, the Air Force is giving me a
chance, let's go Air Force.
If I don't like the Air Force,I can always join another branch
(07:39):
after.
And so I switched to Air Forcethree days before shipping for
the job that I really wanted,and I just told them I want to
go open general, whatever youwant to ship me for.
And so I actually went throughall of training and by
graduation day I think itmight've been maybe the day
before graduation, because theywere supposed to tell us a
(08:00):
couple of weeks beforehand, butthey didn't know, so it was like
the day before graduation, theyfinally told me my job and they
told me I'd be going intoaerospace medical services and I
thought that sounds amazing.
Of course I want to do that,like this is great.
And of course there again isall these stereotypes about how
medical is the best job.
Everyone wants medical and so Iwas excited, but it was also, I
(08:25):
would say, almost serendipitousthat I had avoided medical my
entire education leading up tothat, because I have so many
friends and family members thatare nurses in the medical field
and I think I just had thatthought that like I wanted to be
different, right, like I didn'twant to do what everyone else
was doing, I wanted to forge myown path, and so I really
(08:49):
avoided medical and then the airforce brought it to me, which,
like we're saying, once yourelease it, it'll come to you.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Yes, a hundred percent.
Well, and it just, I think,from the short time that I've
known you and the just, you know, brief conversations that we've
had, like this desire to bedifferent definitely seems like
it is, is a part of who you areand it's such a beautiful aspect
of who you are and probablywe're going to dive into this
(09:17):
too but like, probably one ofthe reasons that you dove into
pageantry and continue to, youknow, strive for that
self-improvement and, like yousaid, like forging different
pathways for yourself on yourjourney.
So I, yeah, I think that'sbeautiful, I think you, you
definitely need to like own that, that part of who you are.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
And I appreciate you saying that, because of course
it can be very hard when youfeel like you're not necessarily
fitting in like that perfectpuzzle piece, right?
And that was one of my struggles, I would say, in the Air Force
is I became such a peoplepleaser because I wanted to fit
in so much and I feel like mypersonality almost changed 180
from who I was before themilitary just because, even
(09:59):
though in certain aspects I feellike I was supported, for
example, when I was in trainingyou're not supposed to be able
to take leave for anything butthey allowed me to compete at
nationals.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
And so there yes, right, okay.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
So there was certain aspects of great support and
wonderful people that I met thatof course, wanted the best for
me.
But then there was also a lotof fighting the negative pageant
stereotypes.
I mean, when I came into myfirst station I wasn't going to
tell anyone of my title becauseof course I didn't want them to
(10:34):
think that I wouldn't bestereotypically not strong
enough or you know that I'm justhere almost as maybe here not
for the right reasons is what Iwas scared of.
And so I came in.
I was just trying to be thisvery humble, people pleasing
(10:55):
nurse and what happened was, Ithink a lot of people once they
saw, like my social media or Iwas open about what I had done
and what I was really.
I think in pageantry we areexcited to talk about what we've
accomplished because we knowhow hard we work for it.
But on the outside people justsee, maybe, the crown and they
(11:16):
think we just get theseopportunities Right.
But the truth is we have to workso hard.
So of course I'm going to be soexcited to share these things
and I think there was thatdisconnect there in that if I
was coming in being so excitedabout something I'd accomplished
, people were seeing it more asarrogance or seeing it as me
(11:39):
trying to distinguish myselffrom them.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
And so then I would backtrack and try to people
please and try to really justfit the mold and try to hide all
the parts of myself that mademe who I was before the Air
Force is so crazy that you aretalking about this right now,
because last week's episode wasabout humility versus confidence
, and no, yes and like and trytrying to figure out how do we
(12:05):
disconnect our our perception ofwhat we think other people
might be thinking of us or theway that they react to us and
and then have to, like, changeourselves and change the way
that we are talking aboutourselves and and like becoming
more of that like, I don't know.
It goes beyond humility when youhave to really close off
(12:26):
specific parts of who you areand, yeah, that's super
unfortunate.
I wanted to ask you do youexperience the reverse not
reverse stereotypes, but viceversa stereotypes as a pageant
title holder being military atthe same time, like within the
world of pageantry, do you feelthe same level of stereotypes
(12:48):
against you as a military memberthat you did as a pageant girl
in the military?
Speaker 2 (12:54):
I would say like when I went to nationals during
training, I was so proud to bein the Air Force.
I wanted every single aspect ofmy pageant journey to really
highlight that, because not onlydid I think that it made me a
little different in a standouttype way because of course we've
had Deshauna Barber, we've hadmany military pageant title
(13:16):
holders at this point but Ithink I was so proud going into
the pageant side to be military,but I didn't have that
opportunity on the military sideto be proud of being the
pageant side to be military, butI didn't have that opportunity
on the military side to be proudof being a pageant girl
Interesting.
Yeah, I think that really camedown to.
I put a lot into what is myidentity and what makes me
(13:38):
worthy.
And of course you know, ifyou're trying to earn your worth
, it's never going to work out.
But I thought, okay, if I canget this job, if I can get this
rank, if I can get this title,then I'll finally be worthy.
And of course it never worksout like that and I think that's
honestly what led to everythingthat led to my 104 day
hospitalization.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Right right, because, oh my gosh, there's such a
contrast between the two.
In pageantry, you arecelebrated for the uniqueness
that you bring and you'recelebrated for these other
experiences that you bring tothe table that make you dynamic
and diverse in your experiences.
But in the military, from whatI understand, you are in many
(14:24):
ways another number and youruniqueness is not celebrated in
the military, because you areall there for this very humble
purpose to be a team in defenseof our country and our freedoms.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Yes, I would say that is probably the biggest thing
I've struggled with in the AirForce is I came in with so many
aspirations, like when I was infamily medicine I wanted to be
in pediatrics.
When I was in pediatrics Iwanted to be in immunizations
and I was going to like,hopefully, go to immunizations.
I was also wanting to put inthis package for the rated
(15:02):
preparatory program so I couldfly, and it's because I knew
from my pageant experiences thatI could do everything right.
Like I'm very, I would say Idon't stop myself from any
opportunity because, even if itdoesn't go how I hoped, at least
I know right.
So I'm not saying that I'mextremely talented or anything
(15:26):
like that.
I just know that once you trythings that you may not have,
that's where you find yourpassion, and that's exactly what
happened with aviation, that'sexactly what happened with
medical, and so I think my yeah,biggest struggle was when I was
on the civilian side.
I could always make thingshappen right, like I could work
(15:47):
for it and I could attain it,but in the military it's really
tough having just a bunch ofno's with no explanation.
It's like I have thisopportunity.
I lived about three hours fromLA and I told my supervisor I
have this opportunity to do thisamazing photo shoot in LA and
it was just a no, noconversation, no explanation,
(16:10):
and that was always, I think,the hardest part for me because,
coming from the pageant side, Ithink we're just movers and
shakers and we make thingshappen.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
That had to have been such an exhausting and daunting
experience for you, and theother thing that I remember you
mentioning was that you werebunking with a lot of people
that were younger than you.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Air Force journey, joining later because of course
I'm in a spot where I want towork on my doctorate and I'm
just at a different spot in lifeand not to shame or blame
anyone else for their differentspots that they may be in but I
didn't want to be partying lateinto the night.
That was never my scene.
I wanted to go home and read abook and go to sleep at eight
because I knew I was going towake up at four.
I was not the kind that wantedto constantly be going out with
(17:12):
people and there would always bethese barbecues, these loud
barbecues, outside my window.
And it was a challenge becauseI could appreciate why people
wanted that more social and funatmosphere.
But my mindset was I havethings to accomplish and I need
to stay focused.
So if I'm coming home, I wantnot complete silence, but I want
(17:35):
a peaceful environment so thatI can study and so that I can
learn, so that I can be betterfor my patients.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
So you're in the Air Force Feels like Groundhog's Day
.
You are, you know, trying sohard to climb the ranks and to
be the best that you can bewithin the Air Force and for the
Air Force.
What happened?
Like what?
How did things kind of start tohead towards that?
The hospitalization.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yes, absolutely so.
I think that, because my worthhas always been based in
achievement, I doubled down andburnt the candle at both ends,
because for every no that Ireceived, I would just try to
find a new avenue to accomplishsomething else.
So if I was told, oh, you can'tbe an immunizations backup
(18:25):
technician at this time, totallyfine, I'll come back to it.
But I still have to be workingtowards something, because
that's just my personality.
I can't stay stagnant, becausethat's when I get in my head.
But as long as I'm constantlyworking towards something,
that's when I'm really able tojust put all of that, what could
potentially be negative energy,into something productive.
(18:45):
And so, goodness.
I think that what went wrong wasbecause I wanted to fly,
because that was my main goalcoming out of medical to fly,
going back to my Navy roots wasI didn't want anything to be
(19:05):
charted.
So when I started feeling veryanxious or started to experience
those depression symptoms, whathappened was I doubled down on.
We're just going to internalizethat and we're going to try to
be productive in other ways.
And what I found was, the moreI ignored it, the worse it got,
(19:29):
and I tried to do everything Iknew to do?
I would be watching all kindsof self-help videos, listening
to every podcast I could find onself-love, reading every
self-compassion book, just doingeverything I could.
That wouldn't alert the AirForce that I was having issues,
because I didn't want them tothink that I wasn't in a
(19:51):
duty-ready condition justbecause I was working so hard to
be the best that I could be.
It was during that time thatI'm still trying to do some of
the things I love, like I wouldgo flying all the time, not
through the Air Force, but juston my own time civilian side.
(20:11):
But what I do when I'm doublingdown on achievement and
productivity is I really do puteverything that would make me
happy or feel fulfilled to theside and just hone all in on
being as productive as Ipossibly can.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
And it was a recipe for disaster.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Yes, absolutely.
I know.
That's even how I am now beingin school.
I will tell myself things likewell, if I watch 30 lectures a
day, then I can be ahead and Ican take the test by this date.
And it's not realistic.
But in my head it's all aboutgetting to that finish line and
(20:57):
I really struggle with beingmindful in the present moment.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Yeah, I think that's such a common, common experience
for anyone that is driven,anyone that is goal oriented,
anyone that you know valuesachievement so much for
themselves, like that makesperfect sense.
I don't think there's any shamein that by any means.
It's just a matter of reallyunderstanding that aspect of
yourself and figuring out how tofind that balance and
(21:23):
prioritizing that balance, whichis just something you know we
all learn as we go through it.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
Yes.
So I started speaking with thechaplain and it was mainly
because there was supposed to befull confidentiality and so,
again, I didn't want anythingcharted.
So I figured, great, let's geta spiritual perspective.
And, and so I figured, great,let's get a spiritual
perspective and let's findalmost a counseling type service
, but not in a way where it'sgoing to be marked on my record
(21:51):
oh, she was seen by mentalhealth, because then of course
they would assume that you're aflight risk, and then why would
they send you to a ratedpreparatory program or anything
of the like?
So it was actually a day, it wasa Sunday, because I had went to
church that morning.
I had just messaged thechaplain and I told him like I'm
just feeling completelyhopeless, I don't know what to
(22:14):
do, like I feel like everythingthat's worked for me for 26
years before that wasn't working, where I doubled down on
working harder or just tryingnew avenues.
And his idea was okay, well,let's meet up, let's talk, and
we did.
And then he said why don't wejust go to the ER?
(22:35):
We'll see if there's a physicalreason that you're feeling this
way, and then you can go backto work tomorrow.
It was a Sunday night, and soat that time I was thinking, yes
, of course that makes totalsense.
Like my labs could be off oranything that would be causing
this, like I trustedwholeheartedly that I was going
(22:57):
to go to work that next day andit did not turn out that way.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
What influenced like your decision to go along with
going to the ER.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
He actually brought up like what if this was
physical?
I don't think that I was reallythinking that that could be the
reason.
I really did think that it wasmore mental health.
But when he said what ifthere's a physical reason, I
thought this is perfect.
If I'm getting checked out fora physical reason, it doesn't
stop me from doing what I wantto going forward.
(23:29):
There's no line across myapplication of oh, we can't have
her because she has a historyof mental illness or anything
like that, which is still sostigmatized in the military.
Of course we talk about howit's gotten better on the
civilian side, but there's a lotof problems that I guess
(23:51):
snowball once you start seeingmental health in the military.
But that's the other side ofthat is.
It stopped me in the way ofokay, now I can't fly.
But it also is something thatif you need that help, you need
to seek that help and I thinkthat's the best thing is keeping
(24:12):
yourself safe and healthy overanything, because I was
completely ready to just give upmy health completely for the
opportunity to fly and thatwouldn't have been beneficial.
Even if I would have earnedthat opportunity, I wouldn't
have been in the proper healthyspace to thrive like I wanted to
(24:32):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
So so your, your trip to the ER had everything to do
with.
Let's look at everything youknow from the inside out of what
could be causing you know theelevated stress, the you know
other you know mental healththings that you were
experiencing.
My experience going to the ERhad everything to do with I was
(24:55):
suicidal and I was in a verydangerous space for, you know,
being at risk to myself.
And so it's just, it'sfascinating to me the
differences in the urgencybetween our two stories, that it
was dire that that I receivesupport immediately.
But when I hear your story Ijust get brokenhearted because
(25:21):
it just adds to the stigma andthe fear of talking to someone
to seek that help.
And I can understand andappreciate if you know, within
the military that just it's alot of well, this could be
really catastrophic because ofthe rates of PTSD and suicide
(25:44):
that we see amongst veteransthat you know the response is,
you know, maybe a littleheightened because of that, but
for the circumstance that youwere in, I just that's so
disheartening to me that thatwas your experience.
So, okay, let's dive back in.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
So you go to the ER yes, and at this point I had no
reason to believe that I wouldbe having this extended stay.
So I asked the chaplain to staywith me the entire time, and he
did.
He was wonderful, and whereeverything changed was I
(26:21):
remember him telling me that hewas finally going to go home,
because like I said, it was aSunday night.
He had to work the next day andit was late, it was probably
around midnight or something, Ican't really remember and so I
thought like, okay, yeah,totally fine, I'll be home soon
or in a couple hours.
I'll be going to work the nextday too.
And then, as soon as he leaves,they're escorting me out and
(26:46):
I'm thinking my car is this way.
I brought my car because I'mthinking I'm going to work.
They're escorting me out theother side of the building and
what they're telling me is thatfor any mental health concerns
military side, not only are yougoing to have this 72 hour hold,
the 5150, but you also have togo into basically an inpatient
(27:12):
program.
And so it's not like thecivilian side where it's just
like the stabilization and thenyou get to go home and be with
friends and family.
Like I was absolutely shockedthat when I went in I'm
absolutely shocked that when Iwent in I didn't feel like I was
exhibiting any signs of needingimmediate help.
(27:35):
I mean, I knew that it was moreof a chronic thing at that
point.
It wasn't an acute that I'mlike, like you said,
disassociation or anything thatwas very like.
In this moment we need tostabilize.
It wasn't critical you weren'tin a state of crisis, you
(27:56):
weren't at risk to yourself orto anybody else.
Yeah, it was just this, I don'teven know how to describe it.
It was a whirlwind because, yes, I knew that I was not in a
healthy place, but I didn'tthink that the action they took
was beneficial, in that it wasmore traumatizing to me to be
(28:18):
taken away from my car.
Of course, when you're goinginto inpatient, like your strip
search, you have no access toyour phone.
You don't have anything,anything.
They put us in um scrubs, whichwas funny, because I thought
like, oh, okay, well, I guessthis kind of lends to my job,
(28:40):
right?
I was trying to make any kindof connection familiar, yeah,
and I just kept thinking like,okay, so I'm fully compliant,
I'm fully emotionally regulated,they're going to let me go.
This is just like gone way toofar.
There was a misunderstanding,and so basically what happened
(29:00):
was when I first received careat dignity, it was going to be a
72 hour hold and they told methat they would speak.
I would speak with the doctorin the morning and then they
would decide what happened.
At this point I still didn'tknow the whole inpatient side of
things, so I just thought, okay, I'll speak with the doctor,
then I go to work.
(29:21):
I just wanted to get to work, Iwanted to see my patients.
I really just did not want tobe in that situation anymore.
And so when I spoke with thedoctor, I was very, very, very
surprised how curt he was withme, because I was thinking, if
you're speaking with a patientthat is struggling more than
(29:41):
anything, why would you be soharsh and critical and just the
absolute opposite of empatheticand I remember calling the
chaplain and I was sobbing.
It was the first time I hadshown emotion throughout this
entire thing, and it hadprobably been I don't even know
just a day at that point and Itold him like I got to get out
(30:06):
of here.
This isn't what I wanted, thisisn't helpful, this is making
things worse.
And basically what I was toldwas you're going to be sent to a
place called Rio Vista and it'sgoing to be like a vacation,
it's going to be someplace whereyou can relax and recuperate
and learn skills.
And I did not want to go, but Ialso thought, okay, I'll trust
(30:30):
the process.
This is terrifying, this is notwhat I wanted, but let's see
how it is.
And I get there.
And again, just the immediacy ofit was, I think, the most
traumatizing, because you'regetting searched again, you're
having I didn't even get to packmy bag my first sergeant packed
(30:52):
my bag, so I didn't even reallynecessarily know what was in my
bag and, of course, you canonly have your three outfits and
like one book, that's it.
And so I'm in Rio Vista and Iremember just going into this
big day room because throughoutthe day, we were only allowed to
(31:13):
be in the day room for safetyreasons, and I was just beyond
shocked, sad, confused, likejust so much fear, and I didn't
know what to expect.
And I just remember again, thiswas the second time throughout
this whole process I juststarted sobbing.
So I was at this lunch table,surrounded by everyone.
(31:36):
My first impression was mesobbing, and I don't remember a
lot of specifics from when I wasinpatient and I think that's
just because it was sooverwhelming and the issue I had
was it was a higher level ofcare than I felt like I needed,
(31:57):
and so we I was in a space wherepeople were detoxing or
experiencing active psychosis orthese other issues that I
wasn't suffering from, and so itwas really scary to be put in a
situation that I had never beenin before, because maybe if I
(32:17):
had worked more on the mentalhealth side of things, I would
have understood more, because Ithink I did learn a lot.
Like before I went to Rio Vista, I knew absolutely nothing
about psychosis, and now I havejust the most immense empathy
because I would be speaking withthese patients and they would
be just as sad and frustratedbecause they're saying I'm here
(32:38):
for this issue, but I don'tbelieve I have this issue.
But then you're almost feelinglike you're being gaslit to a
certain extent because everyoneelse is telling you what your
problem is, when you don't feellike it is.
And then, yeah, they're tellingyou like, basically, that
you're in denial if you don'tjust take the diagnosis.
And that was really frustratingfor me because it felt like
(32:59):
there was no agency or autonomy.
It was just we're telling youthere's something wrong with you
.
And so at that point they hadjust said that I had an
adjustment disorder, which wasfrustrating to me mainly because
, yes, at this point I do thinkI did to a certain extent,
(33:21):
because I wasn't fitting themold of, maybe, the person who
came straight out of high schooland, you know, I didn't really
fit the key, like the keyfactors that would have maybe
made me mesh better.
But what was frustrating to mewas I didn't feel like the
issues that I was facing were myfault and I I always wanted to
(33:43):
take almost too much how wouldyou say I wanted to take the
blame for things, because then Ifelt like I could fix it.
Right, right, right, yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
Take ownership, you take accountability and then
somehow that that gives you thesense of having some kind of
control over it, kind of controlover it.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Yeah, so I was thinking like, okay, even though
I don't feel like my at thispoint, my sleep was interrupted
because of the environment Iwasn't eating as much Like there
was a lot of other concernsthat were compounding, and I
think that that's something thatI've always struggled with was
(34:25):
when I, if you think of Maslow'shierarchy of needs, when I'm
focusing on those top levels, Icompletely neglect the basic
levels I'm not focused on.
Did I eat today, or did I getadequate sleep to watch all
these lectures I'm just focusedon.
We're going to accomplish Right, right, yeah, and I think
that's that's a common conflict.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Right, right, yeah, and I think that's that's a
common common thing.
Right, like I could.
If I'm really zoned in onsomething, I hours will go by
without realizing it.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
Absolutely yeah.
So I spent my time at Rio Vista.
Unfortunately, I felt like itmade things a lot worse just
because I didn't feel like Ireceived necessarily therapeutic
care there.
I felt like in that specificsituation they were more focused
on heavily sedating people thanactually helping them with the
issues that may have broughtthem there.
And so I came back to base.
(35:25):
And so I came back to base andat this point they were having
me go to the hospital in SantaMaria, about 30 minutes away up
there, like Monday throughFriday, just to make sure that
everything was good.
They didn't want me going backto work because they said that
would be more traumatizing.
But I don't think that theyunderstood again, because I
didn't fit that stereotypicalmold that going back to work
(35:48):
would have been the most healthything that could have happened
to me, because it would havegiven me some semblance of
normalcy.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
Yeah, and the stability.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Yeah, Instead of something happened and now
everything's changed.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
So so this program that you were in was like an
intensive outpatient program.
Okay, yes.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
So that's when I was going to Balanced Treatment
Center and I met some of themost incredible people there.
I can't even say enough aboutthe patients there, because most
of them were actually from mybase.
We had like maybe two civilians, but I was just shocked at that
point on how everyone that Imet throughout that situation
(36:33):
they felt the same as me wherethey're saying this was taken
way too far.
Yes, there are concerns andthey should be addressed, but it
really didn't need to be tothis level.
And so, at this point, need tobe to this level.
And so at this point, most ofthem were saying that they were
getting med boarded, and thatwas my biggest fear.
I didn't want to get out of theAir Force at all.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
That was not my goal.
Okay, define what that means inlayman's terms for those of us
that don't understand what medboard is.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Yes, Basically, it's just the military's way of
saying that you have a medicalcondition that makes you not
necessarily fit to fight.
So if they're saying and itcould be physical, it could be
mental, it could be any kind ofmedical condition that basically
will impact your service.
And so my whole goal, of course, was to get back to work.
(37:24):
I did not want to get out ofthe Air Force, so it really
scared me hearing all thesepeople, but it also, oppositely,
gave me peace in the sense thatthey were very pro getting out
because of all of the thingsthey had suffered throughout
their service.
That it did give me for thefirst time the perspective that
(37:46):
getting out wouldn't be the endof the world, right, that even
that if it wasn't what youwanted, there were benefits,
like you would still get your GIbill, you would still get all
of these benefits, but it wouldjust be very different than
being active duty.
And so it wasn't even a monthinto being into balance
(38:12):
treatment center.
That again I spoke with thechaplain.
He knew everything thathappened at Rio Vista and I told
him like I'm experiencing, likethese flashbacks I'm
experiencing where just certainthings are so overwhelming, like
I would walk into thecommissary, and everything would
be too colorful and it wouldjust literally take my breath
(38:32):
away, like I was justoverstimulated, overwhelmed, and
I kept thinking that I wasstill in Rio Vista and I was
going to wake up and still betrapped if you can yeah?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Yeah, so basically in a, in a space that didn't feel
safe or helpful to you but thatyou had no opportunity to to get
out of it.
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Yeah, and I mean being medical, I knew about AMA,
so leaving against medicaladvice, and so of course, when I
was at Rio Vista, I asked like,can I leave?
What do I need to sign, whatcan I do?
And basically I was told youdon't have agency here, because
you are government property.
They decide when you leave.
And so I just had thisreoccurring fear, because I
(39:18):
wasn't in that normal space ofbeing back to work like that.
I didn't know where I was.
It was such a limbo and sobasically I had, just how we
were talking aboutdisassociation, just this moment
where all the like sadness andanger and fear and everything, I
just shut off.
I felt nothing, I was just Idon't even know how to describe
(39:43):
it.
I think it's almost worse thanwhen I was sobbing or anything
like that, because when you'rein those moments I feel like
there's a greater chance, thatyou feel like you'll get through
them, but when you're shut down, you just think there's nothing
you can do, there's no logicalthinking, because it's all
(40:04):
emotional even though you feelno emotion.
You're so far on the emotionalside exactly.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
You're so, so dysregulated that, yeah, it
doesn't when, yeah, when you're,when you're sobbing, when
you're sad, when you're angry,there's still some semblance of
power in that, that sense ofautonomy in your sense of self.
But yeah, when, when you, whenyou are in that dissociative
state, it can very much feeljust kind of stuck.
Speaker 2 (40:33):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
And empty.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
And so it was about one week until my birthday and
my mom was going to fly down.
We were going to watch Miss USAin person because it was in LA,
and I was so excited because,again, I was like this is some
semblance of normalcy, like Ican go into this, like I love
pageants, this is something Iwant to do, this is fun.
(40:55):
And so this whole entire timethey had approved my leave,
saying that this would be goodfor me because this was
something I loved before themilitary.
And then what happened was Iwent up to my first sergeant's
office thinking, yes, things areturning around, I'm going to
get to go back to work, andbasically they said that there
was a concerned coworker andthat this person had said that
(41:18):
they believed that I was goingto take my life Not something
that I had told any concernedco-worker.
They wouldn't tell me who madethis comment, they wouldn't tell
me necessarily why this wascoming up now.
Like I thought that things weregoing in a positive direction
and then I got hit with this andthere was a lot of things that
(41:41):
I feel like the Air Forcehandled extremely poorly in that
situation, because if theytruly believed that that was the
case.
I don't think that I shouldhave just been sent off on my
way to go to balance that day,and they did.
They just told me that theysaid my leave was retracted, my
mom can't come, I'm not going tomiss USA because of this
(42:03):
comment by someone that theywon't tell me who said it.
And basically they just told mego to balance.
Like it is what it is, I wentinto that complete overwhelmed
state and for about the nextfour hours I don't remember
anything that happened.
I find myself in Monterey,which is very far from
(42:26):
Vandenberg, and I remembercalling the chaplain and I told
him like oh, my goodness, doesthis mean that I'm AWOL?
Like what does this mean?
I'm like so freaked out Like Idon't know what's happening,
like this is just gone.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
You drove yourself there.
Speaker 2 (42:44):
Yes, okay, yes, yes, yes, yes, in this complete state
of overwhelm where I just Idon't even remember it.
I wasn't I mean, it might'vebeen racing thoughts, but I just
feel like I wasn't eventhinking honestly.
And so, basically, that wholesituation again was handled so
(43:05):
poorly because they were like,well, you have to come back.
And so, rationally, I wasthinking, of course, yes, I have
to come back, but the fear inme kept me from wanting to go
back because I was so scared ofthe consequences, so they
weren't telling me what wasgoing to happen.
When I came back and of courseI'm already in this state of
(43:27):
overwhelm my mind is going amillion miles per hour.
That anything could happenbecause of what just occurred,
like things were only going toget worse, was my just spiraling
thoughts.
And so anytime I would start todrive back to Vandenberg, I
would either stop or I'd turnaround, just because I was so
(43:48):
fearful, just absolutelyovercome with fear.
And so at one point I rememberI did start driving back.
I was about halfway home, I hadbeen up there most of the day,
and so I was driving home, andthat's when they actually had
California Highway Patrol detainme and sent me to Navidad for
(44:12):
treatment, and that was scarywithin itself because, of course
, I've never had any kind ofexperience with law enforcement
or anything like that.
So I went to Navidad and I justkept asking like can I call my
first sergeant?
Can I call my mom?
Can I call like anyone Like canI just speak with someone?
(44:32):
And they kept saying not.
Until I was seen by theprovider.
That took about 24 hours whereI was just sitting in a
completely empty room withnothing.
It was just a bed, nothing else.
And so, um, finally they said,like you'll be transported back
to Santa Maria.
So I actually ended up back indignity, which was the place
that started it all, and theytold me that they were going to
(44:56):
send me to Utah.
And I just kept telling them Ican't go inpatient again.
I can't.
That experience made things somuch worse.
I cannot go back.
And they're like telling methat this place is so much
different and so much better.
But cannot go back.
And they're like telling methat this place is so much
different and so much better.
But at that point I had noreason to believe it and I go
into strong hope.
So they had someone from basecome and fly with me and I go to
(45:20):
Utah, and my first couple ofdays were really rough, very,
very rough.
It was, I would say, a 180 fromRio Vista, in that it cost less
but the impact was so muchgreater and I don't know.
It was just the difference ofbeing in a place for what you
actually needed that, I think,made all the difference, because
(45:43):
Rio Vista was so different thanwhat I needed at that time.
And then Strong Hope I foundjust, oh my goodness, the most
amazing curriculum, the mostamazing people.
So we were able to do thisamazing programming.
We'd go to the National AbilityCenter where you could do
(46:04):
anything from hiking to archeryor obstacle courses.
It was incredible.
We would do CrossFit every week, we would do yoga, we had, I
think, like five textbooks thatwe would work through and we
would have these lectures,lectures with therapists, and we
would have homework.
It was amazing.
We're actually doing the workand I actually voluntarily
(46:26):
extended when I was at StrongHope because I just loved it so
much and I felt like I wasgetting so much out of it.
But unfortunately it was on mybirthday that the Air Force
called to tell me that they haddecided my condition was too bad
to be rectified and so theywere going to be separating me
(46:48):
and so, as much as I wanted touse my last amount of time at
Strong Hope, just like lovingthe girls and learning as much
as I could, I was again in thatlike state of panic and
overwhelm and sadness andeverything, because I was just
trying to fight this discharge,because it was never my goal to
leave the Air Force.
I just wanted to be the best Icould be for the Air Force, and
(47:10):
so do you think if you had goneto Strong Hope right off the bat
, things would have beendifferent.
I think that it's easy to sayyes, but I also think that
knowing how horrible it was tobe at Rio Vista made me
appreciate Strong Hope more,because there were people at
Strong Hope that, of course,it's their first time not having
(47:32):
any of their belongings andhaving to be watched while
they're in the restroom, and allthese things that come with
being in an inpatientpsychiatric facility while
they're in the restroom, and allthese things that come with
being in an inpatientpsychiatric facility, and they
didn't have the sameappreciation for it that I did,
because they didn't really knowhow much worse it could be.
And so in that case, I wouldsay I am grateful for Rio Vista
(47:53):
for that, because I feel like Ireally saw the worst and the
best.
Speaker 1 (47:57):
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, I think that just goesto show for for any situation
that you're in.
When you're going through it itcould be absolutely horrific,
but at some point you reach astate where you can look back
and find some appreciation forwhat you went through, whether
it is expanding your, yourperspectives, if it's, you know,
(48:19):
providing you opportunity todevelop more empathy for people,
to develop a greaterunderstanding for the world, to
build relationships that younever would have had, to gain a
deeper understanding about whoyou are and how you handle
stress and how you handle change.
It's from those places whereit's, you know, feels like
(48:42):
catastrophe.
It feels so dark, feels lonely,feels traumatizing.
It's those experiences that,once we get to the other side,
we realize how much we've gainedfrom that experience, whereas
you know, if you know whenyou're going through something
that feels easy to you, you'reyou're not growing as much.
(49:06):
I think there's a time and placefor both.
We need to have thoseexperiences where we are
learning and growing and we needto have the respite of those
times when it's calm and that wecan just heal and recover and
appreciate everything that we'vegone through in the past and
where we are at now.
So, yeah, it's a wild journeythat you went through and I
(49:28):
really appreciate you beingvulnerable and transparent to
share these experiences thatyou've had.
How I mean looking back now onthe other side, how do you think
you will approach experiencesin the future that come with
really big lifestyle change orchallenges, or being in a space
(49:53):
where you're kind of stuck,where you're not able to have
that forward motion, thatdevelopment, that aspirational
climb that you thrive on?
Having been through this, Imean, what do you think that
experience would be like in thefuture?
Speaker 2 (50:14):
I know that I still need to work on self-compassion
a lot.
I would say when I was atStrong Hope, my therapist
actually gave me a book onself-compassion a lot.
I would say when I was atStrong Hope, my therapist
actually gave me a book onself-compassion and I told him I
didn't even know that that wasa concept I know about
compassion for others.
I didn't know aboutself-compassion, and so I think
it is all about balance, havingthat grace for yourself, because
(50:38):
of course you're going to beoverwhelmed if you're trying to
go a hundred miles per hourevery single day.
And I think that there's like alot of value in when you are
driven, having those momentswhere you're going a hundred
miles per hour, because that'swhen you feel most productive
and excited and you're makingprogress towards this big goal.
But it can't be all the time,and I think that's something
(51:00):
that now I realize more, so thatif I give up on the things that
I love to try to focus in on agoal so much, I'm going to be in
so much more stress, I'm notgoing to enjoy the process
whatsoever.
But if you can find thatbalance where it's like, okay, I
just took this really big test,but maybe I'll go flying for an
(51:24):
hour, because it's kind of likea reward, it makes things fun,
it gives you something to lookforward to.
I mean, I know, even when wewould take our PT tests, a
former chaplain that I had inTexas he would tell me that he
would always schedule a massagefor right after the PT test,
because the entire PT test, hewould just be thinking about
that massage.
And I think we do need to focuson that reward aspect.
(51:47):
When you're so driven becausewe live in a culture of treat
yourself right and some peopletake it overboard but I think
when you're so driven you'relike well, I can't treat myself
until I get the doctorate andthen you're for five years just
so stressed out and burnt out.
But finding those small winswhere you can say, wow, that
cardiology exam was so hard, I'mgoing to take a break because
(52:10):
it's well-earned.
Speaker 1 (52:11):
Yeah, absolutely Finding the things to celebrate
along the way, not just, youknow, the the award at the very,
very end, because, as we know,like there's so much joy in the
journey and once you get to thatend it's like, okay, what's
next?
Like it's so short lived toexperience the joy of
(52:33):
accomplishment before now we'reonto the next thing, because
it's not about theaccomplishment itself, it's
about the journey, getting thereand the experiences that you
have along the way.
So, taking those moments topause and to celebrate and
reward yourself it's like sopowerful to help you maintain
that momentum so that you don'tburn out and fizzle out.
(52:54):
For sure, this wholeconversation and the negative
experiences of behavioral health, mental health treatment can
perpetuate stigma and canperpetuate the fear of actually
getting help, and it's somethingthat I've called like treatment
fatigue, when, when trying tofind a therapist that works for
(53:15):
you, it can be daunting and tothe point where, like, you
procrastinate or you completelyavoid because it feels so
overwhelming.
And then you know, in thosemoments when, like I remember
being in such a state ofdepression that I had no energy
or interest or willingness toeven start looking for help for
(53:36):
myself, even though those werethe times that I needed it the
most, looking for help formyself, even though those were
the times that I needed it themost.
Avoiding treatment is you'reputting off.
Feeling better is ultimatelywhat's happening, and so, for me
, getting into treatment andmaintaining that treatment and
(53:57):
keeping up with my appointmentshas been everything for me in
order to maintain my ability todo everything that I love in
this life.
So what would be your advice,having been through everything
that you have and the trauma ofit, the stigma of it, even the
shame of it, like not wanting toshare with other people what
you've been through, and nowyou're sitting here with me
(54:19):
sharing your entire story insuch a powerful way?
What is your advice to someonethat may be in a space where
they know they should probablyseek treatment, but don't really
know what to do, or they havethat fear?
Speaker 2 (54:36):
Absolutely.
I think you make a great pointwith finding your right
therapist, because I would saymy first therapist what I
struggled with was that even ifshe was mid-sentence, if our
time was up, she'd cut off muchas I could before the time ran
(55:02):
out.
And you need to find atherapist that really is going
to make you feel better, notmake you feel like you have to
even be a certain way.
I know with my last therapistwhen I was in the Air Force,
when he would give me all thispraise for getting better, I
felt like I couldn't be honestabout the moments where it was
worse, because I didn't want tomaybe let him down or seem like
there was any backsliding,because up until the day that I
(55:24):
was separated, I still had hopethat my rebuttal would mean that
I was still in.
So I would always go intomental health like everything's
great, there are no problems,and I think that my best
therapist was actually at StrongHope and I honestly hate is a
(55:44):
strong word but I hated this manin the beginning.
I think what I really came tojust absolutely love about him
was he challenged me in a waythat others didn't and I think a
lot of time when you're highachieving people feel like they
maybe can't challenge you.
I don't know if that makessense, but he would tell me like
(56:08):
no, you're wrong.
Or he would just be very bluntwith me.
And for some people of coursethat wouldn't work, but for me
it kind of got me out of myperfectionistic mindset where
it's like, whoa, hold up, okay,wait, why?
And then I would want to gointo that inquiry with him
instead of.
I never felt supported by, likeat Balance, the therapist.
(56:30):
They're very much, yes,therapists.
So you could say anything andit would be just validating it,
but you weren't gettingdifferent perspectives or
feeling like you were growing.
It was weren't gettingdifferent perspectives or
feeling like you were growing.
It was just kind of honestly tome, feeling like I was talking
to a wall.
So I think you need to findwhat kind of therapist is best
for you Because, like I said, Idon't think that everyone would
(56:54):
want that direct kind ofcommunication like I had at
Strong Hope.
That could be very traumatizingif you're already in a bad
space, but that's what workedfor me.
A lot of the psychologists Ilisten to they say there's
different kinds of therapy, ofcourse, but there's different
ways to be a therapist.
Are you going to just listen tothem because they need someone
to speak to, because that's veryvalid.
(57:15):
Maybe you don't want the advice.
Or are you like me, where youwant an action plan, like if I
can tell you my problems and youcan give me a one, two, three.
That's what I want.
So it's gonna be a process.
You can't just assume that thefirst one's going to be the
right one and you really need tofind what works best for you.
(57:35):
And if you think of it, like wewere saying, as a journey, it's
actually kind of excitingbecause you get to think, okay,
this didn't work for me, why?
And this is great, but why do Iresonate with it?
And why did this other thingmake me feel worse?
Or I think it's just a veryinteresting, almost like a study
(57:57):
on yourself of.
Of course, I'm coming like froman educational perspective, but
I always want to know the whymore than anything.
I want to know, okay, so ifwhat is this?
Emdr works for some people, butthe one time I did it I felt so
uncomfortable and I just reallydidn't like it.
(58:20):
And so there's different thingslike that where I would say
don't just go with somethingbecause maybe it's popular, like
you heard about DBT, so you'regoing to try it and you think
that's the only way.
I love DBT, so do I.
Speaker 1 (58:34):
DBT works for me because it is the type of
therapy that is specificallytargeted towards the issues that
I have with the most emotionaldysregulation and and things.
So, yeah, you know, there arecertain therapies that work,
based off of whatever yourcircumstances are, and the thing
that I find interesting is like, yeah, like wanting to dive
(58:55):
into the why and how powerfulthat can be, because you learn
so much about yourself.
But what I also learned andgravitate towards is not just
the why and how powerful thatcan be, because you learn so
much about yourself, but what Ialso learned and gravitate
towards is not just the why butthe how.
Okay, so, understanding why Iexperienced this or why I may
react this way is helpful to anextent, but what's more helpful
(59:16):
is how do I cope?
How do I build skills?
How do I recognize which toolsI need to be using in certain
situations?
The how has been the mostimpactful aspect for me when it
comes to therapy is having atherapist that literally said to
(59:38):
me yeah, the why is intriguingand yeah, we could sit here and
do a nosedive into your historyand your trauma and like why you
are quote, unquote the way youare today, but that's not going
to actually help you live thelife that you want to live.
It's all about the how.
What is it that we need to bedoing to be moving forward?
And I just thought that thatwas the most empowering thing
(01:00:00):
for me in that time.
And I'm still with thattherapist.
But yeah, I went through a lotof therapists.
I think, too.
The other downfall and thingthat I would advise against is
sticking with a therapist ifthey're not working for you.
Speaker 2 (01:00:14):
Absolutely.
You need to find your match.
It's like I think of it almostlike a friendship.
Don't stick with someone justbecause they're in proximity,
right.
Really find the person that'sgoing to click with you and
they're going to make you better, because they're going to make
you think differently, or noteven that they're changing your
(01:00:36):
perspective, but they're givingyou different insights.
And there's just so much powerin finding the person that you
feel comfortable with, becauseif you're going to a therapist
you're not comfortable with,you're not going to make
progress.
Speaker 1 (01:00:45):
Yes, okay.
So, as we're wrapping up here,I need to know what's next for
you in the pageant world and inlife.
Speaker 2 (01:00:55):
Yes, so my title, miss Royal United Universe.
We will be having our pageantthis summer, and so I'm so
excited to be crowning the newgirls.
I'm just, I'm so proud of thework they've done.
We're such a small system stilland just these girls are so
incredible and I think I go intomom mode because I just want to
(01:01:18):
give them everything.
Like I'm just so proud of them.
Like when you see the mom atthe sports game taking 100
photos that's me with our girlsI think I'm really, really
excited to finally meet peoplein person and just I haven't
been on a stage.
In goodness, by the time summercomes, it'll be three years.
So, even though I won't becompeting, I think it's going to
(01:01:48):
be just wonderful, wonderful tobe in front of an audience
again, of just being aroundthese girls that are so highly
motivated to be not only betterfor themselves but for their
community, like they're justdoing so much for the world and
I'm just so proud of them.
Speaker 1 (01:01:57):
Yeah, absolutely, for sure.
Okay, and then are you planningon competing again after you
give up your title?
Speaker 2 (01:02:03):
Goodness, I would say after, most likely, I earn my
doctorate, I will be competingagain.
But it's just such a heavyworkload and of course there
comes a lot, I think, ofinternalized shame, of always
feeling like I'm not doingenough, and so I want to be able
to be in that place where I'mable to give everything to my
(01:02:24):
title because I love it and notout of a sense of obligation so
much as like, with this system,I would do anything for this
system.
They've been so good to me.
But of course I want to be ableto do more and I feel like,
because of my experience withbeing hospitalized and being in
the Air Force and holding thistitle the next title I have I
really want to be in a placewhere I can give more of myself
(01:02:46):
to it.
Speaker 1 (01:02:47):
Sure yeah, and in giving yourself more to it,
you're also receiving so muchfrom the experience too.
Ok, so you said that thisorganization is pretty small, so
tell us a little bit more aboutit and how you know how to find
out more information or to getinvolved as a participant.
Speaker 2 (01:03:05):
Absolutely, so you can connect with me, miss Royal
United Universe, on Instagram orFacebook.
Or, of course, you can add me,sienna Lonnie Richards, on
Instagram or Facebook.
Speaker 1 (01:03:15):
And I will add those links to the show description so
you can click right there.
Speaker 2 (01:03:20):
Thank you, and you can also just look up United
Universe Productions.
It talks all about what wereally stand for.
And I think what drew me tothis pageant in the first place
was there was such a broad rangeof categories.
It wasn't just necessarily theage divisions that you expect.
It was really a system wherethey said you can be anyone and
(01:03:44):
we want to support you in that.
Oh, I love that At a time thatwe need that the most.
Speaker 1 (01:03:49):
We need so much more inclusion and opportunity for
people of diverse backgrounds.
So so cool.
Well, sierra, I'm so excited tosee where you know your
doctorate journey takes you andyour future in pageantry and in
leadership opportunities andservice opportunities, because
you absolutely do have so muchto give, and I know you've been
(01:04:10):
told no quite a few times in thepast, but it's just making you
stronger and you clearly havegained so much wisdom about
yourself and about the worldthrough that.
So thank you so much for beinghere, for sharing your heart and
your story.
I know that it's not an easything to talk about I absolutely
know that but you share it soeloquently and it's in a way
(01:04:33):
that helps others learn andnavigate and empower themselves
as well in their own mentalhealth journey.
So thank you so much for that.
I appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (01:04:42):
Thank you and I appreciate you.
Thank you for being open andvulnerable, because I would not
have been had I not been on yourZoom call that day.
Speaker 1 (01:04:50):
Yeah, absolutely.
Which, speaking of Zoom calls?
I would be remiss if I didn'tremind everyone that our next
masterclass is coming up onTuesday, the 25th, from 7 to 8
pm Central Time.
Click the link to register.
This masterclass is onconfidence and mindset, so we're
going to be talking all aboutthe skills and tools that you
(01:05:12):
need to develop that winningmindset as you head into
whatever next venture you aregoing towards, whatever your
goals might be for this year, toreally set you up for success.
If you can't make it, I will besending out the recording of it
so you can at least access itlater.
With that, that's all I got.
All right, sierra.
Thank you again for joining usand to my beautiful Sash and
(01:05:34):
Soul community, thank you forlistening, for tuning in and for
your continued support.
I'm pretty sure this episodemay bring us to 5,000 downloads,
which is incredible.
I know I'm so excited.
Like, just keep hitting some ofthese aspirational
accomplishments, just oh, itjust gives you so much
motivation to keep going.
(01:05:55):
So thanks for listening.
Everyone, be well, take care ofyourselves and until next time,
bye.
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