March 28, 2025 • 33 mins
Fear of "backsliding" in pageant placement haunts even the most accomplished contestants. That nagging anxiety—what if I don't do as well as last year? What will people think if I was first runner-up and don't even make top five this time? As a former Miss Wisconsin who lived this exact experience, I understand this pressure intimately.
When we've tasted success in pageantry, we often create impossible expectations for ourselves. We compare ourselves not just to other contestants but to previous versions of ourselves, forgetting how much we've grown in a year. This mindset trap attaches our self-worth to placement results, creating a pressure cooker of anxiety that can sabotage our performance.
The truth? Every competition brings a completely different playing field. New judges with different preferences. New contestants with unique strengths. And most importantly—a new you with additional life experience and personal growth. Your placement changes don't define your value; they simply reflect the inherently subjective nature of pageantry in constantly changing circumstances.
Breaking free requires a fundamental shift in perspective. Instead of focusing on factors beyond your control (judges' opinions, other contestants' performances), direct your energy toward what you can influence: your mindset work, preparation quality, and connection to your "why." When you focus on personal growth rather than placement, you never truly "backslide"—you simply evolve.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everyone, welcome back to Sash and Soul.
I hope you're doing well.
I hope that everything is goingamazingly in your life right
now, that competition prep isfantastic, that if you're on
spring break, you're reallyenjoying yourself, that if
you've got midterms going on,that you are killing it.
I just hope you're in a reallygood spot, because we all
(00:23):
deserve to be feeling reallygood right now.
And if you're not feeling greatright now, I hope that you are
taking care of yourself andreally taking that extra time
for self-care, because youdeserve it.
You should feel good.
I want you to feel good.
We deserve to feel good ashuman beings.
So I hope that's where you're.
At Me, I'm in the zone of kindof so-so, like there's a lot of
(00:47):
things that are going well, andthen there are other things that
are kind of eating me up insidea little bit, just some like
personal life things, so reallytrying to practice all of the
skills that I have to maintainjust my overall wellness.
So there's never like realconsistency, I don't think, in
terms of what's happening to usin our lives, but there can be
(01:10):
consistency in how we take careof ourselves and how we show up.
So with that, let's dive intothe episode today.
Today I want to talk aboutbacksliding in pageant placement
.
How do we overcome the anxietyand the fear of potentially not
placing as well as we did lastyear or not winning if we were
(01:32):
first runner up last year?
How do we overcome that anxietyand completely reframe this
journey to competition and sothat we show up at our very best
?
So this is stemming fromconversations with clients this
past week, because I have ahandful of clients that did very
well competition-wise in termsof placement last year some
(01:55):
overall interviews, some topfive placements and they're
coming back this year with everyhope and dream and goal of
becoming the title holder andgoing to the national level with
that title and experiencing theentire year the wonderful year
that it is full of its ups anddowns as a state title holder.
(02:15):
For many of my clients thatlooks like being in the Miss
America organization.
Others are in Miss USA, butwe're all kind of in that boat
of we've been successful.
How do we maintain this energy?
How do we come back as good orbetter and stay focused on being
prepared for the statecompetition?
(02:36):
This is also stemming from myown personal experience.
So if you're new, let me justgive you the rundown of my
experience competing my thirdyear at Miss Wisconsin.
I placed first runner up, so Ihad that experience holding
hands.
Final, to being told, the firstrunner up has the
(02:57):
responsibility of taking over if, for any reason, the new title
holder cannot fulfill the dutiesfor the rest of the year.
And I just happened to be afirst runner up to Miss
Wisconsin 2011, laura Kepler,who went on to win Miss America
2012.
So, for me, I actually lived outthat experience of being
(03:18):
approached by the Miss WisconsinBoard of Directors asking if I
was willing and able to takeover the title of Miss Wisconsin
that year.
And so I had questions.
But those questions wereanswered and one of the biggest
questions was I'm young enoughwhere I have a few more years
left of eligibility.
Can I come back and competeagain, even if I were to take
over this title?
Because I would love to havethe entire year and I would love
(03:41):
the opportunity to compete atMiss America.
That has been my dream sincestarting in this organization.
And when would love theopportunity to compete at Miss
America?
That has been my dream sincestarting in this organization,
and when they said that thenational rule stated that since
I hadn't competed at MissAmerica, that I was eligible to
come back and compete for thestate title again.
I was all in.
I was nervous but excited forthis whirlwind.
That was six months of my lifeof taking over the title of Miss
(04:03):
Wisconsin for Laura, and so Ihad hands-on experience of doing
the job of Miss Wisconsin andalso just a very humbling,
overwhelming experience offilling some really big shoes
and the kind of the pressurethat came with that too.
(04:25):
So I took over as MissWisconsin for six months.
I gave up the title, I took thenext couple of years to finish
my college degree and then Icame back to compete as a local
title holder at Miss Wisconsinfor my fourth and final
opportunity to win the title andto go to Miss America.
And so coming back to competewith that experience and that
(04:47):
level of pressure, that internalpressure that I was placing on
myself, but also understandingthat there were a certain level
of expectations of me from otherpeople and other various
pressures, it was a lot, and soI really had to work through a
lot of the mindset glitches thatwe all work through and that
(05:09):
all of you struggle with, evenwithout having been a former
title holder at that levelbefore.
There's always that pressurethat we feel, but for some
reason we tend to exaggerate itinternally because we do this
thing of like comparing againstlike ourselves, of who we were
(05:30):
last year, or the fear of notdoing as well this time, or fear
of what other people will thinkif you don't place as high and
if you don't place as well asyou did the year before, does
that mean that there's somethingwrong with you?
Did you fail?
Are you not good enough?
It's also hard because, likeyou, hate the idea of others
(05:50):
feeling sorry for you if youdon't win or if you don't place
as high, and I completelyunderstand that when you've been
to that level, when you've beena top five finisher or first
runner up, like the scariestpart of coming back this is
something that one of my clientssaid the scariest part of
coming back is the crowningmoment, otherwise known as the
(06:10):
unknown, because when you get tothat crowning moment, nobody
really knows what the outcome isgoing to be, except for,
probably, the MC that is lookingat the results in their hands
at that moment and thetabulators that just got done,
writing it down on the piece ofpaper for the MC to read out
loud, right?
So it's like that scary part ofthe unknown and it happens so
quickly and yet feels like it'staking forever to find out the
(06:33):
results and then, once theresults are stated, like it's
done right.
I remember when I was firstrunner up and they called Laura
as the winner and I don'tactually remember they may have
called me as first runner upfirst and then her as the winner
after that.
When that happened, it was soquickly, like okay, I'm done,
like I'm out of the running.
It wasn't me and I took.
(06:53):
I don't remember if I huggedher I don't quite remember I'd
have to look at the videohonestly but took the flowers,
waved, walked away to the sideof the stage and I remember
distinctly standing therewatching her have the sash
placed on her, have the crownput on and take her runway walk
as the new Miss Wisconsin andfeeling like it all happened so
(07:15):
fast, it was so final, but alsoknowing like I'm okay, like this
is okay, I'm exactly where I'msupposed to be, and there's a
myriad of feelings that you feelin that moment.
Right, if you're standing therein the top 10 and your name
isn't called into the top five,it's very much like, oh, sudden
doneness, like it's just over,right.
Or if you're standing there inthe top five and they call you
(07:37):
as fourth runner up, like I'vebeen there too and it's just
like, oh, this is it Like done,there's nothing I can do about
this, this is over.
I had that feeling at MissAmerica, where I wasn't called
as a top 15 finalist and I waslike, oh my gosh, like this is
it, this is, it's so final.
And so we know, like that, thatis so final, it's so done and
we've worked so hard and so longand we poured our heart into
(07:58):
this and it's that final momentand it feels like it took
forever to get there, but thenit happens and it's over so
quickly.
So I know that that's like thescariest part.
So we have all of that in ourmind as well as we're preparing
to go into competition again.
So, having said all of that andunderstanding just like the
depths and intricacies of thatanxiety that you may be feeling,
(08:20):
the goal of this episode is towork on reframing our
perspective of any kind ofplacement changes that may or
may not occur this year.
I mean, you may go and placethe exact same as you did last
year.
Or you may go and place higher,or you may go and not place at
all, like there is just so muchunknown.
So we need to reframe this, whyplacement changes may happen,
(08:43):
so that we can look at it alittle bit more objectively and
stop attaching our worth to theoutcome of the competition.
I also want to focus on in thisepisode, focusing on what we
can control, because there is somuch angst and anxiety that
becomes that much larger andcontinues to grow when we're
(09:07):
focusing on all the thingsoutside of our control.
Because, as humans, we just havethis need to focus on the
things, this need to controlthings so that we feel some
semblance of security.
And when you're going into anytype of competition, whether
it's sports or it's anintellectual competition or it's
a pageant competition there'sso much unknown, which is all
(09:30):
the things that we can't control.
So, focusing on what we cancontrol instead to try and keep
your sanity and to show up asyour best self, and then keeping
your eyes on the big picturewhy are we competing in the
first place?
Okay, that is always like thego-to If you're struggling with
reframing your thoughts onplacement, if you're struggling
(09:50):
to focus on what you can control, then we need to shift
completely away from all of thatand focus on why you're doing
this in the first place.
Get back to the basicfoundational perspective of if
it's your service initiative, ifit's to prove something to
yourself or to your younger self, if it is to make a difference,
(10:12):
if it is to earn scholarshipmoney, like, whatever your big
picture is like, pictureyourself in that place of being
the title holder or of achievingyour goal.
Focus on that and that cansometimes kind of lift you out
of that yuck and that darknessthat is focusing on the things
that we can't control.
Okay, so let's get into it.
That was a really long intro andlet's dive in.
(10:33):
First of all, let's talk aboutwhy we backslide in placement in
the first place, and I have totell you that backsliding came
out of my mouth during acoaching call recently because I
didn't quite know how else toexplain it and I think it has a
really negative connotation andI don't mean for it to, but all
of a sudden I just startedcalling it backsliding, and it's
(10:55):
also in part because there is aNew Girl episode.
If you watch New Girl withZooey Deschanel, my husband and
I are kind of obsessed with it.
It's one of those shows that wejust have on in the background
as a feel-good show, and there'san episode where they talk
about dating people that theyhad broken up with in the past
and they call it backsliding,and so, for some reason, that's
(11:15):
just where my head went.
So that's where the termbackslide came from, in case you
were wondering but why do webackslide in placement?
So there are a lot of internalfactors and then there are some
external factors.
So the internal factors areactually things that, arguably,
we have a little bit morecontrol over, and the external
factors are the things that wedon't have any control over.
(11:36):
So internal factors would beyour mindset, the anxiety that
you're feeling or performancechanges.
External factors would be thejudges, other contestants and
the fact that pageants aresubjective.
So with internal factors,there's a lot of increased
pressure.
So when I say that, the moresuccess that we've had, the more
(12:00):
pressure that we put onourselves, so it may just be
that you have this additionalpressure on yourself as a
returning contestant because youwant to place this year, you
want to perform better than youdid last year, so you don't even
have to have been like arunner-up last year for you to
have increased pressure.
If you're a returningcontestant, the more success
we've had, we tend to like havehigher expectations of ourselves
(12:24):
, and so that pressure is reallycoming from inside of us.
We also can fall victim to thiscomparison trap, and so
frequently we're talking aboutcomparison and we're usually
talking about it in terms ofcomparing ourselves to other
contestants or other people.
But when we're coming back andwe're competing against an old
version of ourselves and howwell we did in the past, now
(12:47):
we're measuring ourselvesagainst past versions of
ourselves, and the problem withthat is when we are comparing
ourselves to past versions ofourselves is that we're not
embracing our own growth.
There's a lot that has happenedto you in the last 12 months
since you last competed for thisdang title, and you have to
keep that in mind that you'regrowing in your preparation for
(13:10):
becoming and being the titleholder and succeeding in this
competition and succeeding inthis job.
A lot of that comes from yourlived experiences throughout
that year and the processingthat you've done since the last
time you've competed.
There's so much of thatpersonal growth and so
oftentimes oftentimes I amtelling my clients remember that
your preparation for this job,for this role, is coming from
(13:35):
primarily, your livedexperiences and the things that
you are pursuing, outside ofpageantry.
That makes you who you are andthat develops the skills that
you're bringing to the table.
Yes, of course we grow in otherareas too that are pageant
specific.
Of course we do, but when we'retalking about doing the job and
winning the title and going onto a national competition, so
(13:55):
much of that actually comes fromyour lived experience.
So don't fall into thatcomparison trap of comparing
yourself to who you were lastyear, especially if you're
thinking for some reason you'renot as good as you were last
year, because that's just a flatout lie.
And finally, these internalfactors are performance
differences, things that you mayhave changed from last year in
(14:17):
your preparation.
So this can be like nerves aregoing to get in the way of the
way that you perform, yourmindset will influence the way
that you perform, and yourpreparation is going to play a
role each and every year Withthat.
It's important to remember thatyou may be a little bit rusty
(14:38):
from where you were last year,whether that's your talent or
walking or interview or onstagequestion but again, remember
that you have grown in this pastyear as well.
So you're going to be bringinga lot of those new tools and
insights to the table and sothat when you dive back into
practice that is, mockinterviews or working with a
coach it's going to come back toyou like riding a bike and in
(15:01):
so many ways it's going to bebetter than you were last year.
So keep that in mind.
It's your mindset of feeling,of telling yourself that you're
not as prepared as you were lastyear.
You're not as good as you werelast year.
You're more rusty than you werelast year.
That's actually what's going tocause performance changes, more
so than your actual skillset.
So don't let yourself tell youthat you're not ready.
(15:23):
Remind yourself that, yes,preparation is key to your
success, but also knowing thatyou have personally grown and
developed and you have new goalsand aspirations and value that
you're bringing to the tablethis year.
So all of that stuff isimportant to remember that these
internal factors play a role,and probably play a role
(15:45):
arguably more than the externalfactors, but at the end of the
day, they're also the thingsthat you have a lot more control
over, which can also beintimidating and overwhelming.
That's why you need to workwith someone that's an awesome
mentor or a coach that helps youwith mindset, or stay close to
those friends that keep buildingyou up and reminding you of the
value that you bring to thetable.
(16:06):
There's lots of different toolsand skills that you can use to
support your success on theinternal front.
Next, the external front thejudges, the contestants, the
fact that pageants aresubjective Bottom line every
single competition.
Every year at state competition, there is a new judging panel.
(16:27):
This new judging panel iscoming to the table with
different opinions, differentpreferences and they're going to
be scoring a little bitdifferent because of those
different opinions, differentpreferences, different
experiences and just the factthat they're completely
different people.
So this new judging panel isgoing to be completely out of
your control.
You cannot control what thejudges think to it or say.
(16:47):
You cannot control what theyask you in interview.
All you control is, again, yourpreparation, your mindset and
the way that you show up at theend of the day, what you bring
to the table.
So this external factor of thenew judging panel may influence
and I'm not saying it will, butmay influence where you place
differently at competition thisyear.
(17:07):
Next, there is a whole new groupof contestants.
That means brand new dynamics,brand new strengths and values
that they're bringing to thetable and a completely different
competition level.
Sometimes you go to state andit's a whole lot of newbies.
That doesn't mean that they arenot as skillful or capable or
competitive, because you've seenit, I'm sure you have of the
newbies coming in and sweepingeverything.
(17:29):
They're fresh, they areprepared, they have something
excitable in them that thejudges just gravitate towards
and that has nothing to do withanything other than it's just
who they are and what they'rebringing to the table.
And maybe they don't have someof these mindset glitches that
others that have been there yearafter year after year have,
that have been ingrained inlimiting beliefs and are
(17:51):
actually affecting theirperformance.
Because when you're new and youhave no expectations of
yourself, sometimes it's easierto have a lot more fun and just
show up and show out.
Finally, as we know, pageantsare subjective.
A different year does not meanthat you're less worthy, it's
just a completely differentplaying field.
So keep that in mind, right?
So these external factors arethings that we cannot control.
(18:13):
All we can control is how weshow up and what we are focusing
all of our attention on.
So try not to focus yourattention on the things that you
can't control.
Those are all reasons why wemay backslide in placement, but
they also may be reasons why youwin it this year.
Maybe you have an incrediblemindset, maybe you've let go of
(18:33):
all of these things that haveheld you back in the past.
Maybe you are completelyindifferent about who else is
competing and who the judges are, and you just show up lighter
and better this year.
So all of these factors may bewhy you backslide, but they
could also be reasons that yousucceed as well.
Keep that in mind, all right.
Next, how do we break free fromthis fear of placing lower?
(18:58):
This is so essential.
Number one and I recentlytalked about it in an episode, I
don't remember the number in anepisode, I don't remember the
number detaching your self-worthfrom placement.
Oh, this is so hard to do, butwe have to remind ourselves over
and over and over again, untilit becomes a habit of thought,
(19:19):
that placing lower does not meanthat you are less than it means
that the results just playedout differently.
This time, your value is notdefined by a placement or by a
title.
This is one of the mostdifficult lessons that we need
to learn in pageantry.
I'm also afraid that this is oneof the reasons that we struggle
with mental health issues aspageant women that because we
(19:44):
put ourselves out there and, yes, like there's all these
wonderful, valuable things.
From competing, we gainvaluable skills, we do gain
confidence, we gain friendships,we gain opportunities, all of
these things.
But at the same time that we'regaining all of these, there's
something that we do toourselves, whether it's a
combination of things or not,but it could be the pressure, it
(20:05):
could be being angry atourselves for not succeeding, it
could be fear of what otherpeople think of us.
All of these things likecompound into creating a lack of
self-worth for ourselves,rather than what we're in it for
is to create and build astronger sense of self.
Next, we have to shift thefocus from the external to the
(20:28):
internal.
So we just got done talkingabout what all the external
factors are and what all theinternal factors are.
We spend so much energystressing out about what's out
of our control.
We do it every single day.
So instead of focusing on allthe things that are outside of
our control, we have to focus onour performance, regardless of
the outcome, our feelings aboutour growth, how we use this
(20:52):
experience to improve.
We have to focus on the thingsthat mean something to us.
If we are doing this for fun,let's focus on the fun.
What is fun about this?
It's fun to get dressed up.
It's fun to do your makeup.
It's fun to meet new people.
It's fun to be able to perform.
It's fun to get flowers fromyour friends and family.
It's fun to do your makeup.
It's fun to meet new people.
It's fun to be able to perform.
It's fun to get flowers fromyour friends and family.
It's fun to be on stage.
It's fun to be in heels, likeit's the whole process.
(21:15):
There's so much that's funabout it.
So focus on the fun and focuson the opportunities that you
have and focus on the growththat you've experienced.
Focus on all of these thingsthat uplift you, and I've been
talking about that recently too.
When you're focusing on thethings that are outside of your
(21:35):
control, the things that bringyou down, the things that
frustrate you, when you just sitthere in this like echo chamber
of anger, frustration,irritability, complaining, all
you're going to do is feel thosethings.
That's it, and that's nothelping you, because what you
think influences the way youfeel, influences the way you
behave, influences the actionthat you take, influences the
(21:56):
outcome.
So if you don't want a negativeoutcome, then you got to go way
back to the start of that andstart focusing on the way that
you're thinking.
If your thoughts are negative,if your thoughts are critical,
if your thoughts are that ofirritability and just reacting
to things, then your thoughtsare ultimately going to be
influencing the outcome.
(22:17):
So if your thoughts influencethe outcome, how easy is it for
you to just start thinking aboutsomething different?
It's easier than having to dealwith the negative outcome.
It's easier than feeling crappyall the time.
So instead, let's focus on thethings that build us up.
Let's focus on the things thatfeel good.
Let's change our perspectiveson things.
(22:37):
Let's reframe how we seecompetition.
Let's reframe how we see womenthat intimidate us.
Let's reframe how we seeinterview and our fear of
talking to the judges oranything else that's kind of
eating you up inside.
Let's reframe those things intomore of a neutral perspective
or into something that ispositive and uplifting to you,
(22:59):
because when you can shift yourfocus to internally thinking
better thoughts and havingbetter feelings, then you will
have a better outcome periodHands down.
There's no argument about that.
Come at me if you disagree andI would love to chat with you
(23:21):
about it, but that's where Istand.
Next, after we've figured outthat we need to shift our
attention away from the thingsthat we can't control, now we
have to take action on thethings that we can control.
So there's a few things that wecan take action on.
Number one mindset work.
Number two preparation.
Number three reconnecting withyour why.
All three of those things arethings that you can control and
take action on.
Mindset work.
This is not something that youcan just do overnight.
(23:43):
I promise you you cannot.
It's not something that you canjust tell yourself nope, I'm
not going to do those things.
Done Cool.
No, that was my mistake at MissAmerica.
That was the reason that Ichoked and didn't have a great
experience because I didn't dothe work beforehand.
So mindset work includesreframing any setbacks as
learning opportunities.
Focus on what you've gained,not on what you've lost, and
(24:06):
develop the mantras for yourselfthat are actually going to help
you stay focused.
I'm competing to grow, not justto win.
Mindset work includeseliminating some of the habits
that have kept us where we areand kept us from growing and
developing new habits that helpus launch into our best versions
(24:26):
of ourselves.
Mindset work is not somethingthat you can just do for a week
before you go to competition.
This is something that you needto work on long-term.
Resources for you includetherapy, which is different than
mindset work.
It's deeper than mindset workand still incredibly beneficial
If you can do both at the sametime.
Great.
(24:46):
Also working with a coach.
If you don't have the financesor the budget to work with a
coach, then I would say leaninto as many free resources as
you can possibly find.
We've got the Sash and Soulpodcast.
There are other podcasts outthere.
There are lots of books thatyou can read, audio books that
you can listen to that arehelpful.
(25:08):
We've got the FearlesslyAuthentic app.
That has resources in it aswell and a monthly membership
subscription that has even moreresources for you on a budget.
So access those resources anddo the work, and I'm telling you
it will make a world ofdifference, not only in your
performance but, moreimportantly, in your experience
(25:30):
Next preparation.
I mean, I feel like that goeswithout saying.
If you are struggling withmindset around your interview
because you're afraid thatyou're rusty, then practice.
Hone your message, get clear onyour why, know your talking
points, stage precedence Havingthat confidence is so key.
So that goes back to mindset,of course.
But you got to own your energy,you got to work it, you got to
(25:52):
practice until that is musclememory and you could walk in
your sleep across that stage andstill feel good about it.
Finally, reconnecting with yourwhy.
Why did you start competing inthe first place?
How has your why evolved overtime?
Have you allowed it to grow andevolve?
What excites you about theprocess of preparing for a
(26:15):
competition, about actuallycompeting?
What excites you about the ideaof winning and doing the job
and going to that next level ofcompetition?
Winning is not just aboutplacement.
Winning is about the impact,the growth and the experience
that you have afterwards.
The crowning moment is such abrief moment in the journey.
There's so much that comesbefore it and there's way more
that comes after it.
(26:35):
So don't just be focused onthat crowning moment.
Get focused on your biggerpicture.
Focus on your why.
When I went to Miss Wisconsin tocompete as a former Miss
Wisconsin, as a former firstrunner up for my very last year,
this was an all or nothing.
Experience for me I was eitherwinning or I was done and never
(26:57):
would have the opportunity to goto Miss America.
There were a lot of internalthings that I was struggling
with.
I was struggling with the fearof not achieving my goal.
I was struggling with thepressure that I was putting on
myself about backsliding andplacement.
What if I didn't even make topfive this time?
As a former Miss Wisconsin,that's crazy.
(27:17):
Oh, and also as first runner up, I went to a national
competition that I was invitedto a few years before that and I
was a top five finalist andoverall interview winner there.
What if I did that and was MissWisconsin and didn't even make
top five at Miss Wisconsin in2014?
These are all very real fears.
Those are things that I couldactually work through, though.
(27:38):
The things that I couldn'tcontrol, that I had to let go of
, were what other people thought, because there was a lot of
opinions floating around aboutwhether or not I even deserved
to be there as a former MissWisconsin coming back to compete
again, and there were peoplethat just flat out didn't like
me for one reason or another.
(27:59):
Those are things that we can'tcontrol, you guys.
I couldn't control what thejudges thought of me coming back
as a former title holder andany mock interview that I did
that year preparing forcompetition.
That was kind of drilled, likewhat if the judges ask you about
this?
And so I really had to beprepared to talk about it.
But more than that, I needed tobe prepared mentally to own it,
(28:20):
to be okay with the fact that Iwas a former Miss Wisconsin
coming back and to be able to bevulnerable about what that
meant for me and why this was soimportant for me.
It wasn't about, it wasn'tselfishness, as I mean, yeah, no
, I'm going to say it.
You guys competing forcompetition yes, there is such a
huge community servicecomponent.
But let's say the real thing,let's just say it.
(28:44):
We do it because we want it.
We want it, it's our dream,it's nobody else's dream.
If it's somebody else's dreamand it's not your dream, don't
do it.
It should be your dream, youshould want this for you, and
that's why I'm talking aboutlike this, why I wanted it for
me, like I wanted to live thisdream.
I wanted to earn the title formyself and not be walking in
(29:04):
Laura Kepler's shoes anymore asMiss Wisconsin.
Like I wanted it and I had amessage to share and I hit the
ground running with my messageand I accomplished those goals
that I set out for myself.
But ultimately, like I came backfor me period, you got to own
that, you got to know that andyou got to not be ashamed of
that.
That may be step one in helpingyou get past some of this fear
(29:27):
of backsliding.
You're back because you want it, so focus on why you want it.
You are not defined by yourplacement.
Every competition is a brandnew opportunity for you to learn
and grow and when you focus onyour growth, you never actually
backslide, you just evolve, yougrow, you change, you become a
bigger, better, stronger personthat has so much more to offer
(29:48):
our society.
So if you're in that place thatI was in, you guys a decade ago,
I've had a lot of time toprocess this and think about
this and actually get real aboutwhat I was feeling back then.
If you're in that space, do thework, do the inner work,
because that's the only thingthat you really can do to help
you overcome this fear so thatyou are setting yourself up for
(30:11):
success.
And at the end of the day, ifyou do backslide or if you don't
win when you were a firstrunner up last year, it's okay
because that's not connected toyour worth at all, and it's
going to be hard and it's goingto be a grieving process.
There's going to be a lot foryou to work through afterwards,
but I think the number one pieceof advice that I can give you,
(30:32):
if you're in this space rightnow, is don't let yourself be
disappointed in something thathasn't happened yet.
It's been a minute since I'vesaid that.
Don't let yourself bedisappointed in something that
hasn't even happened yet.
You haven't backslid yet, youhaven't lost yet, you haven't
(30:53):
even won yet.
Don't let yourself bedisappointed in hopes that
that's going to somehow protectyou from being disappointed.
If, in fact, you do experiencethat disappointment, it's not
going to.
It's still going to be painful,it's still going to suck and
that's just something that youreally can't control.
So don't let yourself worryabout it right now.
Focus on the things in yourcontrol, focus on the fun, focus
on the joy, focus on your whyperiod.
(31:15):
All right, you guys with that.
If this resonated with you,please share your thoughts with
me, message me.
I want to know if you agree ordisagree.
If this helped you.
What else do you wanna hearabout?
Right, like you, guys are inthe throes of it right now,
especially if you are in MissAmerica organization.
We've got state competitionscoming up.
I see you.
(31:36):
I see you on Instagram sharingyour official headshot and
celebrating that your paperworkis officially in and preparing
for orientations or being donewith orientations already.
Like I see you.
So let me know.
What do you wanna hear?
What's gonna be most helpfulfor you as you prepare for
competition this year, join thecommunity and for deeper
coaching on mindset andcompetition prep?
(31:58):
Of course, I'm always gonnainvite you to schedule a
consultation with me just tolearn a little bit more and see
how this can help youspecifically on your journey to
reaching your goals.
With that, I will talk with youagain next week.
I may have a guest on next week, so stay tuned.
All right, guys, take care Bye.
Hey everyone, welcome back to Sash and Soul.
I hope you're doing well.
I hope that everything is goingamazingly in your life right
now, that competition prep isfantastic, that if you're on
spring break, you're reallyenjoying yourself, that if
you've got midterms going on,that you are killing it.
I just hope you're in a reallygood spot, because we all
(00:23):
deserve to be feeling reallygood right now.
And if you're not feeling greatright now, I hope that you are
taking care of yourself andreally taking that extra time
for self-care, because youdeserve it.
You should feel good.
I want you to feel good.
We deserve to feel good ashuman beings.
So I hope that's where you're.
At Me, I'm in the zone of kindof so-so, like there's a lot of
(00:47):
things that are going well, andthen there are other things that
are kind of eating me up insidea little bit, just some like
personal life things, so reallytrying to practice all of the
skills that I have to maintainjust my overall wellness.
So there's never like realconsistency, I don't think, in
terms of what's happening to usin our lives, but there can be
(01:10):
consistency in how we take careof ourselves and how we show up.
So with that, let's dive intothe episode today.
Today I want to talk aboutbacksliding in pageant placement
.
How do we overcome the anxietyand the fear of potentially not
placing as well as we did lastyear or not winning if we were
(01:32):
first runner up last year?
How do we overcome that anxietyand completely reframe this
journey to competition and sothat we show up at our very best
?
So this is stemming fromconversations with clients this
past week, because I have ahandful of clients that did very
well competition-wise in termsof placement last year some
(01:55):
overall interviews, some topfive placements and they're
coming back this year with everyhope and dream and goal of
becoming the title holder andgoing to the national level with
that title and experiencing theentire year the wonderful year
that it is full of its ups anddowns as a state title holder.
(02:15):
For many of my clients thatlooks like being in the Miss
America organization.
Others are in Miss USA, butwe're all kind of in that boat
of we've been successful.
How do we maintain this energy?
How do we come back as good orbetter and stay focused on being
prepared for the statecompetition?
(02:36):
This is also stemming from myown personal experience.
So if you're new, let me justgive you the rundown of my
experience competing my thirdyear at Miss Wisconsin.
I placed first runner up, so Ihad that experience holding
hands.
Final, to being told, the firstrunner up has the
(02:57):
responsibility of taking over if, for any reason, the new title
holder cannot fulfill the dutiesfor the rest of the year.
And I just happened to be afirst runner up to Miss
Wisconsin 2011, laura Kepler,who went on to win Miss America
2012.
So, for me, I actually lived outthat experience of being
(03:18):
approached by the Miss WisconsinBoard of Directors asking if I
was willing and able to takeover the title of Miss Wisconsin
that year.
And so I had questions.
But those questions wereanswered and one of the biggest
questions was I'm young enoughwhere I have a few more years
left of eligibility.
Can I come back and competeagain, even if I were to take
over this title?
Because I would love to havethe entire year and I would love
(03:41):
the opportunity to compete atMiss America.
That has been my dream sincestarting in this organization.
And when would love theopportunity to compete at Miss
America?
That has been my dream sincestarting in this organization,
and when they said that thenational rule stated that since
I hadn't competed at MissAmerica, that I was eligible to
come back and compete for thestate title again.
I was all in.
I was nervous but excited forthis whirlwind.
That was six months of my lifeof taking over the title of Miss
(04:03):
Wisconsin for Laura, and so Ihad hands-on experience of doing
the job of Miss Wisconsin andalso just a very humbling,
overwhelming experience offilling some really big shoes
and the kind of the pressurethat came with that too.
(04:25):
So I took over as MissWisconsin for six months.
I gave up the title, I took thenext couple of years to finish
my college degree and then Icame back to compete as a local
title holder at Miss Wisconsinfor my fourth and final
opportunity to win the title andto go to Miss America.
And so coming back to competewith that experience and that
(04:47):
level of pressure, that internalpressure that I was placing on
myself, but also understandingthat there were a certain level
of expectations of me from otherpeople and other various
pressures, it was a lot, and soI really had to work through a
lot of the mindset glitches thatwe all work through and that
(05:09):
all of you struggle with, evenwithout having been a former
title holder at that levelbefore.
There's always that pressurethat we feel, but for some
reason we tend to exaggerate itinternally because we do this
thing of like comparing againstlike ourselves, of who we were
(05:30):
last year, or the fear of notdoing as well this time, or fear
of what other people will thinkif you don't place as high and
if you don't place as well asyou did the year before, does
that mean that there's somethingwrong with you?
Did you fail?
Are you not good enough?
It's also hard because, likeyou, hate the idea of others
(05:50):
feeling sorry for you if youdon't win or if you don't place
as high, and I completelyunderstand that when you've been
to that level, when you've beena top five finisher or first
runner up, like the scariestpart of coming back this is
something that one of my clientssaid the scariest part of
coming back is the crowningmoment, otherwise known as the
(06:10):
unknown, because when you get tothat crowning moment, nobody
really knows what the outcome isgoing to be, except for,
probably, the MC that is lookingat the results in their hands
at that moment and thetabulators that just got done,
writing it down on the piece ofpaper for the MC to read out
loud, right?
So it's like that scary part ofthe unknown and it happens so
quickly and yet feels like it'staking forever to find out the
(06:33):
results and then, once theresults are stated, like it's
done right.
I remember when I was firstrunner up and they called Laura
as the winner and I don'tactually remember they may have
called me as first runner upfirst and then her as the winner
after that.
When that happened, it was soquickly, like okay, I'm done,
like I'm out of the running.
It wasn't me and I took.
(06:53):
I don't remember if I huggedher I don't quite remember I'd
have to look at the videohonestly but took the flowers,
waved, walked away to the sideof the stage and I remember
distinctly standing therewatching her have the sash
placed on her, have the crownput on and take her runway walk
as the new Miss Wisconsin andfeeling like it all happened so
(07:15):
fast, it was so final, but alsoknowing like I'm okay, like this
is okay, I'm exactly where I'msupposed to be, and there's a
myriad of feelings that you feelin that moment.
Right, if you're standing therein the top 10 and your name
isn't called into the top five,it's very much like, oh, sudden
doneness, like it's just over,right.
Or if you're standing there inthe top five and they call you
(07:37):
as fourth runner up, like I'vebeen there too and it's just
like, oh, this is it Like done,there's nothing I can do about
this, this is over.
I had that feeling at MissAmerica, where I wasn't called
as a top 15 finalist and I waslike, oh my gosh, like this is
it, this is, it's so final.
And so we know, like that, thatis so final, it's so done and
we've worked so hard and so longand we poured our heart into
(07:58):
this and it's that final momentand it feels like it took
forever to get there, but thenit happens and it's over so
quickly.
So I know that that's like thescariest part.
So we have all of that in ourmind as well as we're preparing
to go into competition again.
So, having said all of that andunderstanding just like the
depths and intricacies of thatanxiety that you may be feeling,
(08:20):
the goal of this episode is towork on reframing our
perspective of any kind ofplacement changes that may or
may not occur this year.
I mean, you may go and placethe exact same as you did last
year.
Or you may go and place higher,or you may go and not place at
all, like there is just so muchunknown.
So we need to reframe this, whyplacement changes may happen,
(08:43):
so that we can look at it alittle bit more objectively and
stop attaching our worth to theoutcome of the competition.
I also want to focus on in thisepisode, focusing on what we
can control, because there is somuch angst and anxiety that
becomes that much larger andcontinues to grow when we're
(09:07):
focusing on all the thingsoutside of our control.
Because, as humans, we just havethis need to focus on the
things, this need to controlthings so that we feel some
semblance of security.
And when you're going into anytype of competition, whether
it's sports or it's anintellectual competition or it's
a pageant competition there'sso much unknown, which is all
(09:30):
the things that we can't control.
So, focusing on what we cancontrol instead to try and keep
your sanity and to show up asyour best self, and then keeping
your eyes on the big picturewhy are we competing in the
first place?
Okay, that is always like thego-to If you're struggling with
reframing your thoughts onplacement, if you're struggling
(09:50):
to focus on what you can control, then we need to shift
completely away from all of thatand focus on why you're doing
this in the first place.
Get back to the basicfoundational perspective of if
it's your service initiative, ifit's to prove something to
yourself or to your younger self, if it is to make a difference,
(10:12):
if it is to earn scholarshipmoney, like, whatever your big
picture is like, pictureyourself in that place of being
the title holder or of achievingyour goal.
Focus on that and that cansometimes kind of lift you out
of that yuck and that darknessthat is focusing on the things
that we can't control.
Okay, so let's get into it.
That was a really long intro andlet's dive in.
(10:33):
First of all, let's talk aboutwhy we backslide in placement in
the first place, and I have totell you that backsliding came
out of my mouth during acoaching call recently because I
didn't quite know how else toexplain it and I think it has a
really negative connotation andI don't mean for it to, but all
of a sudden I just startedcalling it backsliding, and it's
(10:55):
also in part because there is aNew Girl episode.
If you watch New Girl withZooey Deschanel, my husband and
I are kind of obsessed with it.
It's one of those shows that wejust have on in the background
as a feel-good show, and there'san episode where they talk
about dating people that theyhad broken up with in the past
and they call it backsliding,and so, for some reason, that's
(11:15):
just where my head went.
So that's where the termbackslide came from, in case you
were wondering but why do webackslide in placement?
So there are a lot of internalfactors and then there are some
external factors.
So the internal factors areactually things that, arguably,
we have a little bit morecontrol over, and the external
factors are the things that wedon't have any control over.
(11:36):
So internal factors would beyour mindset, the anxiety that
you're feeling or performancechanges.
External factors would be thejudges, other contestants and
the fact that pageants aresubjective.
So with internal factors,there's a lot of increased
pressure.
So when I say that, the moresuccess that we've had, the more
(12:00):
pressure that we put onourselves, so it may just be
that you have this additionalpressure on yourself as a
returning contestant because youwant to place this year, you
want to perform better than youdid last year, so you don't even
have to have been like arunner-up last year for you to
have increased pressure.
If you're a returningcontestant, the more success
we've had, we tend to like havehigher expectations of ourselves
(12:24):
, and so that pressure is reallycoming from inside of us.
We also can fall victim to thiscomparison trap, and so
frequently we're talking aboutcomparison and we're usually
talking about it in terms ofcomparing ourselves to other
contestants or other people.
But when we're coming back andwe're competing against an old
version of ourselves and howwell we did in the past, now
(12:47):
we're measuring ourselvesagainst past versions of
ourselves, and the problem withthat is when we are comparing
ourselves to past versions ofourselves is that we're not
embracing our own growth.
There's a lot that has happenedto you in the last 12 months
since you last competed for thisdang title, and you have to
keep that in mind that you'regrowing in your preparation for
(13:10):
becoming and being the titleholder and succeeding in this
competition and succeeding inthis job.
A lot of that comes from yourlived experiences throughout
that year and the processingthat you've done since the last
time you've competed.
There's so much of thatpersonal growth and so
oftentimes oftentimes I amtelling my clients remember that
your preparation for this job,for this role, is coming from
(13:35):
primarily, your livedexperiences and the things that
you are pursuing, outside ofpageantry.
That makes you who you are andthat develops the skills that
you're bringing to the table.
Yes, of course we grow in otherareas too that are pageant
specific.
Of course we do, but when we'retalking about doing the job and
winning the title and going onto a national competition, so
(13:55):
much of that actually comes fromyour lived experience.
So don't fall into thatcomparison trap of comparing
yourself to who you were lastyear, especially if you're
thinking for some reason you'renot as good as you were last
year, because that's just a flatout lie.
And finally, these internalfactors are performance
differences, things that you mayhave changed from last year in
(14:17):
your preparation.
So this can be like nerves aregoing to get in the way of the
way that you perform, yourmindset will influence the way
that you perform, and yourpreparation is going to play a
role each and every year Withthat.
It's important to remember thatyou may be a little bit rusty
(14:38):
from where you were last year,whether that's your talent or
walking or interview or onstagequestion but again, remember
that you have grown in this pastyear as well.
So you're going to be bringinga lot of those new tools and
insights to the table and sothat when you dive back into
practice that is, mockinterviews or working with a
coach it's going to come back toyou like riding a bike and in
(15:01):
so many ways it's going to bebetter than you were last year.
So keep that in mind.
It's your mindset of feeling,of telling yourself that you're
not as prepared as you were lastyear.
You're not as good as you werelast year.
You're more rusty than you werelast year.
That's actually what's going tocause performance changes, more
so than your actual skillset.
So don't let yourself tell youthat you're not ready.
(15:23):
Remind yourself that, yes,preparation is key to your
success, but also knowing thatyou have personally grown and
developed and you have new goalsand aspirations and value that
you're bringing to the tablethis year.
So all of that stuff isimportant to remember that these
internal factors play a role,and probably play a role
(15:45):
arguably more than the externalfactors, but at the end of the
day, they're also the thingsthat you have a lot more control
over, which can also beintimidating and overwhelming.
That's why you need to workwith someone that's an awesome
mentor or a coach that helps youwith mindset, or stay close to
those friends that keep buildingyou up and reminding you of the
value that you bring to thetable.
(16:06):
There's lots of different toolsand skills that you can use to
support your success on theinternal front.
Next, the external front thejudges, the contestants, the
fact that pageants aresubjective Bottom line every
single competition.
Every year at state competition, there is a new judging panel.
(16:27):
This new judging panel iscoming to the table with
different opinions, differentpreferences and they're going to
be scoring a little bitdifferent because of those
different opinions, differentpreferences, different
experiences and just the factthat they're completely
different people.
So this new judging panel isgoing to be completely out of
your control.
You cannot control what thejudges think to it or say.
(16:47):
You cannot control what theyask you in interview.
All you control is, again, yourpreparation, your mindset and
the way that you show up at theend of the day, what you bring
to the table.
So this external factor of thenew judging panel may influence
and I'm not saying it will, butmay influence where you place
differently at competition thisyear.
(17:07):
Next, there is a whole new groupof contestants.
That means brand new dynamics,brand new strengths and values
that they're bringing to thetable and a completely different
competition level.
Sometimes you go to state andit's a whole lot of newbies.
That doesn't mean that they arenot as skillful or capable or
competitive, because you've seenit, I'm sure you have of the
newbies coming in and sweepingeverything.
(17:29):
They're fresh, they areprepared, they have something
excitable in them that thejudges just gravitate towards
and that has nothing to do withanything other than it's just
who they are and what they'rebringing to the table.
And maybe they don't have someof these mindset glitches that
others that have been there yearafter year after year have,
that have been ingrained inlimiting beliefs and are
(17:51):
actually affecting theirperformance.
Because when you're new and youhave no expectations of
yourself, sometimes it's easierto have a lot more fun and just
show up and show out.
Finally, as we know, pageantsare subjective.
A different year does not meanthat you're less worthy, it's
just a completely differentplaying field.
So keep that in mind, right?
So these external factors arethings that we cannot control.
(18:13):
All we can control is how weshow up and what we are focusing
all of our attention on.
So try not to focus yourattention on the things that you
can't control.
Those are all reasons why wemay backslide in placement, but
they also may be reasons why youwin it this year.
Maybe you have an incrediblemindset, maybe you've let go of
(18:33):
all of these things that haveheld you back in the past.
Maybe you are completelyindifferent about who else is
competing and who the judges are, and you just show up lighter
and better this year.
So all of these factors may bewhy you backslide, but they
could also be reasons that yousucceed as well.
Keep that in mind, all right.
Next, how do we break free fromthis fear of placing lower?
(18:58):
This is so essential.
Number one and I recentlytalked about it in an episode, I
don't remember the number in anepisode, I don't remember the
number detaching your self-worthfrom placement.
Oh, this is so hard to do, butwe have to remind ourselves over
and over and over again, untilit becomes a habit of thought,
(19:19):
that placing lower does not meanthat you are less than it means
that the results just playedout differently.
This time, your value is notdefined by a placement or by a
title.
This is one of the mostdifficult lessons that we need
to learn in pageantry.
I'm also afraid that this is oneof the reasons that we struggle
with mental health issues aspageant women that because we
(19:44):
put ourselves out there and, yes, like there's all these
wonderful, valuable things.
From competing, we gainvaluable skills, we do gain
confidence, we gain friendships,we gain opportunities, all of
these things.
But at the same time that we'regaining all of these, there's
something that we do toourselves, whether it's a
combination of things or not,but it could be the pressure, it
(20:05):
could be being angry atourselves for not succeeding, it
could be fear of what otherpeople think of us.
All of these things likecompound into creating a lack of
self-worth for ourselves,rather than what we're in it for
is to create and build astronger sense of self.
Next, we have to shift thefocus from the external to the
(20:28):
internal.
So we just got done talkingabout what all the external
factors are and what all theinternal factors are.
We spend so much energystressing out about what's out
of our control.
We do it every single day.
So instead of focusing on allthe things that are outside of
our control, we have to focus onour performance, regardless of
the outcome, our feelings aboutour growth, how we use this
(20:52):
experience to improve.
We have to focus on the thingsthat mean something to us.
If we are doing this for fun,let's focus on the fun.
What is fun about this?
It's fun to get dressed up.
It's fun to do your makeup.
It's fun to meet new people.
It's fun to be able to perform.
It's fun to get flowers fromyour friends and family.
It's fun to do your makeup.
It's fun to meet new people.
It's fun to be able to perform.
It's fun to get flowers fromyour friends and family.
It's fun to be on stage.
It's fun to be in heels, likeit's the whole process.
(21:15):
There's so much that's funabout it.
So focus on the fun and focuson the opportunities that you
have and focus on the growththat you've experienced.
Focus on all of these thingsthat uplift you, and I've been
talking about that recently too.
When you're focusing on thethings that are outside of your
(21:35):
control, the things that bringyou down, the things that
frustrate you, when you just sitthere in this like echo chamber
of anger, frustration,irritability, complaining, all
you're going to do is feel thosethings.
That's it, and that's nothelping you, because what you
think influences the way youfeel, influences the way you
behave, influences the actionthat you take, influences the
(21:56):
outcome.
So if you don't want a negativeoutcome, then you got to go way
back to the start of that andstart focusing on the way that
you're thinking.
If your thoughts are negative,if your thoughts are critical,
if your thoughts are that ofirritability and just reacting
to things, then your thoughtsare ultimately going to be
influencing the outcome.
(22:17):
So if your thoughts influencethe outcome, how easy is it for
you to just start thinking aboutsomething different?
It's easier than having to dealwith the negative outcome.
It's easier than feeling crappyall the time.
So instead, let's focus on thethings that build us up.
Let's focus on the things thatfeel good.
Let's change our perspectiveson things.
(22:37):
Let's reframe how we seecompetition.
Let's reframe how we see womenthat intimidate us.
Let's reframe how we seeinterview and our fear of
talking to the judges oranything else that's kind of
eating you up inside.
Let's reframe those things intomore of a neutral perspective
or into something that ispositive and uplifting to you,
(22:59):
because when you can shift yourfocus to internally thinking
better thoughts and havingbetter feelings, then you will
have a better outcome periodHands down.
There's no argument about that.
Come at me if you disagree andI would love to chat with you
(23:21):
about it, but that's where Istand.
Next, after we've figured outthat we need to shift our
attention away from the thingsthat we can't control, now we
have to take action on thethings that we can control.
So there's a few things that wecan take action on.
Number one mindset work.
Number two preparation.
Number three reconnecting withyour why.
All three of those things arethings that you can control and
take action on.
Mindset work.
This is not something that youcan just do overnight.
(23:43):
I promise you you cannot.
It's not something that you canjust tell yourself nope, I'm
not going to do those things.
Done Cool.
No, that was my mistake at MissAmerica.
That was the reason that Ichoked and didn't have a great
experience because I didn't dothe work beforehand.
So mindset work includesreframing any setbacks as
learning opportunities.
Focus on what you've gained,not on what you've lost, and
(24:06):
develop the mantras for yourselfthat are actually going to help
you stay focused.
I'm competing to grow, not justto win.
Mindset work includeseliminating some of the habits
that have kept us where we areand kept us from growing and
developing new habits that helpus launch into our best versions
(24:26):
of ourselves.
Mindset work is not somethingthat you can just do for a week
before you go to competition.
This is something that you needto work on long-term.
Resources for you includetherapy, which is different than
mindset work.
It's deeper than mindset workand still incredibly beneficial
If you can do both at the sametime.
Great.
(24:46):
Also working with a coach.
If you don't have the financesor the budget to work with a
coach, then I would say leaninto as many free resources as
you can possibly find.
We've got the Sash and Soulpodcast.
There are other podcasts outthere.
There are lots of books thatyou can read, audio books that
you can listen to that arehelpful.
(25:08):
We've got the FearlesslyAuthentic app.
That has resources in it aswell and a monthly membership
subscription that has even moreresources for you on a budget.
So access those resources anddo the work, and I'm telling you
it will make a world ofdifference, not only in your
performance but, moreimportantly, in your experience
(25:30):
Next preparation.
I mean, I feel like that goeswithout saying.
If you are struggling withmindset around your interview
because you're afraid thatyou're rusty, then practice.
Hone your message, get clear onyour why, know your talking
points, stage precedence Havingthat confidence is so key.
So that goes back to mindset,of course.
But you got to own your energy,you got to work it, you got to
(25:52):
practice until that is musclememory and you could walk in
your sleep across that stage andstill feel good about it.
Finally, reconnecting with yourwhy.
Why did you start competing inthe first place?
How has your why evolved overtime?
Have you allowed it to grow andevolve?
What excites you about theprocess of preparing for a
(26:15):
competition, about actuallycompeting?
What excites you about the ideaof winning and doing the job
and going to that next level ofcompetition?
Winning is not just aboutplacement.
Winning is about the impact,the growth and the experience
that you have afterwards.
The crowning moment is such abrief moment in the journey.
There's so much that comesbefore it and there's way more
that comes after it.
(26:35):
So don't just be focused onthat crowning moment.
Get focused on your biggerpicture.
Focus on your why.
When I went to Miss Wisconsin tocompete as a former Miss
Wisconsin, as a former firstrunner up for my very last year,
this was an all or nothing.
Experience for me I was eitherwinning or I was done and never
(26:57):
would have the opportunity to goto Miss America.
There were a lot of internalthings that I was struggling
with.
I was struggling with the fearof not achieving my goal.
I was struggling with thepressure that I was putting on
myself about backsliding andplacement.
What if I didn't even make topfive this time?
As a former Miss Wisconsin,that's crazy.
(27:17):
Oh, and also as first runner up, I went to a national
competition that I was invitedto a few years before that and I
was a top five finalist andoverall interview winner there.
What if I did that and was MissWisconsin and didn't even make
top five at Miss Wisconsin in2014?
These are all very real fears.
Those are things that I couldactually work through, though.
(27:38):
The things that I couldn'tcontrol, that I had to let go of
, were what other people thought, because there was a lot of
opinions floating around aboutwhether or not I even deserved
to be there as a former MissWisconsin coming back to compete
again, and there were peoplethat just flat out didn't like
me for one reason or another.
(27:59):
Those are things that we can'tcontrol, you guys.
I couldn't control what thejudges thought of me coming back
as a former title holder andany mock interview that I did
that year preparing forcompetition.
That was kind of drilled, likewhat if the judges ask you about
this?
And so I really had to beprepared to talk about it.
But more than that, I needed tobe prepared mentally to own it,
(28:20):
to be okay with the fact that Iwas a former Miss Wisconsin
coming back and to be able to bevulnerable about what that
meant for me and why this was soimportant for me.
It wasn't about, it wasn'tselfishness, as I mean, yeah, no
, I'm going to say it.
You guys competing forcompetition yes, there is such a
huge community servicecomponent.
But let's say the real thing,let's just say it.
(28:44):
We do it because we want it.
We want it, it's our dream,it's nobody else's dream.
If it's somebody else's dreamand it's not your dream, don't
do it.
It should be your dream, youshould want this for you, and
that's why I'm talking aboutlike this, why I wanted it for
me, like I wanted to live thisdream.
I wanted to earn the title formyself and not be walking in
(29:04):
Laura Kepler's shoes anymore asMiss Wisconsin.
Like I wanted it and I had amessage to share and I hit the
ground running with my messageand I accomplished those goals
that I set out for myself.
But ultimately, like I came backfor me period, you got to own
that, you got to know that andyou got to not be ashamed of
that.
That may be step one in helpingyou get past some of this fear
(29:27):
of backsliding.
You're back because you want it, so focus on why you want it.
You are not defined by yourplacement.
Every competition is a brandnew opportunity for you to learn
and grow and when you focus onyour growth, you never actually
backslide, you just evolve, yougrow, you change, you become a
bigger, better, stronger personthat has so much more to offer
(29:48):
our society.
So if you're in that place thatI was in, you guys a decade ago,
I've had a lot of time toprocess this and think about
this and actually get real aboutwhat I was feeling back then.
If you're in that space, do thework, do the inner work,
because that's the only thingthat you really can do to help
you overcome this fear so thatyou are setting yourself up for
(30:11):
success.
And at the end of the day, ifyou do backslide or if you don't
win when you were a firstrunner up last year, it's okay
because that's not connected toyour worth at all, and it's
going to be hard and it's goingto be a grieving process.
There's going to be a lot foryou to work through afterwards,
but I think the number one pieceof advice that I can give you,
(30:32):
if you're in this space rightnow, is don't let yourself be
disappointed in something thathasn't happened yet.
It's been a minute since I'vesaid that.
Don't let yourself bedisappointed in something that
hasn't even happened yet.
You haven't backslid yet, youhaven't lost yet, you haven't
(30:53):
even won yet.
Don't let yourself bedisappointed in hopes that
that's going to somehow protectyou from being disappointed.
If, in fact, you do experiencethat disappointment, it's not
going to.
It's still going to be painful,it's still going to suck and
that's just something that youreally can't control.
So don't let yourself worryabout it right now.
Focus on the things in yourcontrol, focus on the fun, focus
on the joy, focus on your whyperiod.
(31:15):
All right, you guys with that.
If this resonated with you,please share your thoughts with
me, message me.
I want to know if you agree ordisagree.
If this helped you.
What else do you wanna hearabout?
Right, like you, guys are inthe throes of it right now,
especially if you are in MissAmerica organization.
We've got state competitionscoming up.
I see you.
(31:36):
I see you on Instagram sharingyour official headshot and
celebrating that your paperworkis officially in and preparing
for orientations or being donewith orientations already.
Like I see you.
So let me know.
What do you wanna hear?
What's gonna be most helpfulfor you as you prepare for
competition this year, join thecommunity and for deeper
coaching on mindset andcompetition prep?
(31:58):
Of course, I'm always gonnainvite you to schedule a
consultation with me just tolearn a little bit more and see
how this can help youspecifically on your journey to
reaching your goals.
With that, I will talk with youagain next week.
I may have a guest on next week, so stay tuned.
All right, guys, take care Bye.
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