September 5, 2025 • 45 mins
This episode is a real, unfiltered look at resilience and authenticity... the kind that's forged through life's hardest seasons. In the past year, I've walked through grief, pregnancy loss, medical emergencies, and stepping into the role of caregiver after my dad's stroke. Those moments completely shifted my perspective, not just on pageantry, but on life as a whole.
Stepping back forced me to ask myself why this work matters and what makes it meaningful. And through hundreds of conversations with contestants who are navigating their own storms, I kept hearing the same themes come up, themes I want to unpack with you as we head into this competition season.
We'll talk about how setbacks can actually become your strongest assets when you know how to frame them, why competition fatigue and the infamous "first runner-up club" can mess with your mindset, and how freeing it is to define success on your own terms instead of chasing crowns out of obligation.
One of the biggest shifts? Treating competition like a celebration instead of a test. When you walk into pageant week ready to celebrate your growth, your journey, and the sisterhood around you, you show up from a place of joy - not fear. And that joy doesn’t just feel better, it changes the way you perform.
So many women I coach are hesitant to name what they really want, lowering the bar to avoid disappointment. But I'll never forget a coach once telling me: "Don't set the bar for what you think you can accomplish. Set it for everything you'd ever want to accomplish." Owning your deepest ambitions creates space for you to surprise yourself.
As Miss America week unfolds, these reminders feel more important than ever. Whether you're competing this season or navigating challenges in your own life, know this: your worth has nothing to do with results. Let your nerves come along for the ride, but they don’t get to take the wheel.
I'd love to hear what resonates with you. Come connect with me on Instagram @SashandSoul and tell me what themes you'd like to dive deeper into on future episodes.
Free App Download: Click here to download the Fearlessly Authentic App!
Socials: @sashandsoul | @fearlesslyauthenticcoach | @raeannajohnson
Websites: www.fearlesslyauthentic.com | www.sashandsoul.com
Email: info@fearlesslyauthenticcoach.com
If you’re looking for more than just surface-level prep—and you’re ready to prepare with strategy, support, and confidence that actually lasts—I’d love to be part of your process.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey you guys, welcome back to Sash and Soul.
I am so happy to be back withyou after taking a bit of a
break this summer.
I'm hoping that you are welland that you have also taken the
time to regroup, reground overthe summer and right now it just
kind of feels like a freshstart.
I don't know about you, butlike when school's back in
(00:20):
session, it just kind of feelslike all right, heading into a
brand new season.
I feel that way about spring aswell.
I feel that way about NewYear's.
So I kind of like to take sometime to just reflect on what's
happened where I'm at and takethe time to I don't know make
sure that I'm good, right?
(00:42):
So last year I went through awhirlwind of stuff, so I lost
well, my family lost my babyniece at just two days old in
October, rather in August andthen my husband and I went on
(01:03):
our one-year anniversary trip toItaly, which was amazing and
beautiful and full of sadness,because I literally left two
days after I lost my niece.
And then we got back and Ifound out I was pregnant and so,
of course, overjoyed with that,mixed with a lot of differing
feelings of fear and the unknown.
(01:24):
And then I started having somecomplications early on in my
pregnancy and unfortunatelymiscarried in the end of October
, which followed, of course, alot more grieving and struggling
with where to go from here andwaiting for my body to heal and
recover from that experience.
And then in January I had alife-threatening experience
(01:49):
where I started bleeding and itwouldn't stop.
And so by the end of theweekend it started on a Friday
night and I was in the emergencyon Saturday night they sent me
home and then by Sunday morningit was nonstop and I went back
to the emergency room with myhusband and ended up in the ICU
(02:10):
with an emergency surgery to getit to stop.
So just absolute chaos.
And that happened to be thefinals of Miss America.
So no, I didn't watch MissAmerica last year and I still
haven't gone back to watch ityet because I was in the throes
of recovery after that and justtrying to keep up with my
(02:30):
clients and life and my mentalhealth and all that stuff.
So all that happened in January.
And then in May as you know, ifyou've been listening and
following along my dad had astroke and I became a primary
caregiver.
I became his medical power ofattorney, I was living in his
hospital room for two weeks andthen living in a hotel right
(02:53):
next to the hospital for acouple of weeks after that,
during that time, trying to stayon top of taking care of my
clients who were competing fortheir state competitions and
managing to maintain my Sash andSoul podcast episodes with our
guests through the Crowned andCandid series, and so it was
(03:14):
just like a whole mess of stuff.
So, as you could imagine, bythe time state MAO season was
over, I needed a break, I neededto calm my nervous system, I
needed to heal, I needed tofocus on my own rest and
self-care and recovery and, as Isaid earlier, just really
(03:34):
getting regrounded.
So throughout the summer, Ihave been spending some time for
myself, reassessing my why, whyI do this, why I show up for
you guys, why I show up for myclients, how it inspires and
empowers me to do this work, howI've grown through this and how
I want to continue growing andbuilding.
I've been planning for this nextseason of how I want to
(03:57):
approach my coaching calls, myprogramming, the content that I
want to be pouring into this forall of you, what would be most
beneficial for you and honestlyjust taking time to just be me,
because, let's face it, I spenta lot of time this last year
taking care of other people andhealing from grief, and it was
(04:19):
just one of the most chaotic androller coaster esque years of
my life, and that's sayingsomething, because I've been
through some stuff.
But it's the stuff that I'vebeen through that builds me and
that makes me the person that Iam, the coach, that I am, the
(04:40):
woman, that I am the wife that Iam.
All these things and that's alot of what I want to talk about
today with you actually, islike what I have taken away from
this past season of my life andall of the coaching calls that
I've had throughout the summerand the themes that have come
about from all calls, from justconsultations to pageant
(05:02):
competition debriefs to actualcoaching calls and so I have a
whole list of themes that I wantto share with you today, and
I'm excited to do that because Ireally want to hear from you
what's standing out to you, whatis resonating with you based
off of your experiences in thepast year, and where you want to
go in this next season, thisnext chapter.
And I think it's perfect timingbecause Miss America is this
(05:25):
weekend.
So I've been, you know,following along with what's
going on in Florida and checkingin on my clients, making sure
they're good and it sounds likethings are fantastic.
So we're going to be headinginto a weekend of Miss America's
teen finals and Miss Americafinals, and so I'm really really
(05:50):
excited for that.
So I think this is really goodtiming to just regroup and talk
about some of these major themesthat I've been seeing and
things that maybe you can takewith you as you move into your
competition season this year aswell.
So, again, these are some of thethemes, not even all of them.
I was paging through my notesfrom my client calls and just
(06:11):
kind of pulling out my favoriteones and the ones that really
stuck with me.
So I have a lot more than thisto come in future episodes and
we'll dive in deeper into someof these themes in future
episodes.
But these were some of myfavorite themes that came up
from, like I said, competitiondebriefs, which is where I sit
down with my clients afterthey've competed to talk about
what went well, what do youwanna improve on, and just
(06:34):
really have an opportunity tosit back and reflect, because
that can be a really powerfultool for closure and for growth
moving forward.
These are also from consultsthat I've done throughout the
summer and, of course, coachingcalls.
So the first one was a quotethat I wrote down during a
coaching call, during a debriefrather, it was during a debrief
(06:58):
and it says don't livevicariously through me by
telling me what my dreams shouldbe, through me by telling me
what my dreams should be, and Ifound that to be so inspiring.
It was a client that said thisto me and it was coming from a
space of her talking about howher support system tends to have
(07:19):
ideas of what she should orshouldn't do, or just the
struggle during competition weekof the feedback she was getting
like you need to shine more onstage and it doesn't look like
you're having as much fun as youcould be.
And from her perspective, she'slike I was having a great time
and I felt calm and I felt likeI was pouring everything into
(07:40):
that, but it seemed like it wasmissing the mark according to
other people, and the conclusionthat we kind of came to from
this was other people may befeeling some sort of way and
projecting that onto you whenmaybe what you need is
reinforcement.
They are giving you feedback tobehave differently because
maybe they're feeling some sortof way about it.
(08:01):
So with that, I just want totouch on a couple of points that
are important.
First of all, if you've neverheard this, take this to heart.
Not everyone wants to win.
I think there is amisconception actually, I know
there's a misconception commonlythat if you're competing for a
pageant, people assume thatyou're in it to win it.
(08:22):
And why wouldn't you want towin?
I hear this from girls that areon their way to Miss America,
girls that are on their way tostate competitions, even local
competitions, where they're likeI don't really know that I want
to win.
I've got this going on in mylife.
I've got that going on.
This is the space I'm inemotionally.
I want to go and have a goodtime, but I just don't know if
I'm up for the long-termcommitment that is an entire
(08:43):
year of this, or I've never hadthe dream of becoming Miss
America.
I've always wanted to be thestate title and I never wanted
to go on and be a national titleholder.
All of those are valid thoughtsand experiences and desires or
choices to not take that nextstep.
They're valid, and I have satthrough calls with women that
(09:08):
felt judged by others and werejudging themselves, quite
frankly for not wanting whatother people think that they
should want.
So that just brings it back toother people projecting and
living vicariously through you,whether they have aged out a
long time ago or they nevercompeted in their life and they
(09:29):
think it's the coolest thingever.
They just are new to this andwould just think that it's the
coolest thing and all of it isglamorous.
When those of us that have beencompeting for a while have held
titles, we know it's a lot ofhard work and we're not always
up for it in this season of ourlives.
Or we just got an awesome jobthat we want to focus on, or we
just got into a reallyincredible graduate program and
(09:51):
that's where we need to spendour time and energy.
All these things are valid.
So if you've never heard itbefore, hear it now.
It's okay.
If you don't want to win, it'sokay.
Own that, be confident in thatand don't let other people live
vicariously through you.
We all have different goals.
Own yours and let other peopleown theirs without judgment.
(10:21):
The next is just in generalthemes of ongoing challenges,
challenges like competitionfatigue If you find yourself
competing for local after local,after local after local and not
winning and you are spending anentire season of this.
And this is a very common themebecause the goal in Miss
America, in Miss VolunteerAmerica if there are states with
(10:42):
local competitions for that andvarious different pageants and
county fair pageants, a lot ofdifferent seasons that have like
the precursor to getting to thenext level by winning a local
competition or a preliminarycompetition to get there, and
you just keep competing,competing, competing, competing,
and you know that you'regrowing but yet we keep just
hitting this walls of no, of notwinning, not titling, so that
(11:05):
you have to keep pushing throughfor the entire season.
I mean I'm hearing of girlsdoing like five local
competitions in a year.
Eight local competitions in ayear.
It's a lot.
So competition fatigue is acommon challenge that I've been
hearing from women in especiallyconsultations, because they're
(11:26):
coming to me with like I'mfeeling a little beaten down.
I know I'm struggling withcomparison because I go into a
competition and there's a womanthat's competing that was top
five at such and suchcompetition and I just feel like
I'm not going to win becauseshe's already had so much
success.
So we see comparison, we seeself-doubt of you know, what am
(11:47):
I not doing enough?
What do I need to do more of?
And all of these things aregoing to culminate in more of a
desperation energy when you'recompeting, rather than an energy
of joy and of humble confidence, which is what we want.
Going into local competitions,into state competitions, into
any competition, pageants aresupposed to be fun, and if
(12:09):
you're feeling beaten down by itbecause you keep competing and
not winning, or keep competingand not achieving your goals,
then that's going to majorlyaffect your mindset.
And so if you are findingyourself in a situation where
you're going into another yearof competitions and last year it
took you multiple competitionsto win, or multiple competitions
(12:31):
and you never made your goal ofgetting to state it's time to
take a step back and figure outokay, I've been pushing in this
area, in this area, in this area, maybe I need to be
prioritizing something else, andI would strongly suggest that
you talk to somebody with anoutside perspective to help you
kind of navigate.
That.
That's where a consultationcall with me might be helpful,
(12:55):
or sitting down with someonethat you trust.
That isn't going to do thecomparison game with you or
over-criticize you or give youtoo much feedback for what you
should be doing or shouldn't bedoing.
All of these things are goingto all like you're already
(13:16):
struggling with someself-confidence in this space.
We don't need more criticism ormore feedback at this point.
We need a plan.
We need to set some goals,moving forward, goals of
upliftment of self-empowerment,of confidence boosting.
That's what you need in thatspace.
Same goes if you are in thefirst runner-up club or any
(13:36):
runner-up club.
That is something that I'vebeen hearing a lot I'm sure
you've been seeing it too of thegirls that get so close but
still aren't winning, and that'sgoing to come with a whole new
set of mindset glitches of you.
Know what is it about me thatjust isn't good enough?
My performance was great, myinterview was great.
Maybe I even won overallinterview.
(13:57):
So what is it that's missing?
And this is where we have toremember you guys pageants are a
crapshoot.
It is essentially like apersonality contest.
At the end of the day, youcould all have the same level of
skills great talents, greatinterview, great paperwork,
great initiatives, great walking, great wardrobe, great hair and
(14:17):
makeup all these things you'rechecking off the boxes, but at
the end of the day, it's judgeswith their own perspectives,
their own personalities, theirown values, their own ideas of
what they see as qualifiable forbecoming an exceptional title
holder.
Different day, differentpageant, different outcome
(14:37):
because the judges are all goingto be different people and
that's something that's reallyhard to really lean into and
believe for yourself.
It's not the most comfortingthing.
It's just the truth, and thetruth isn't always comforting.
(14:58):
But if you're finding yourselfin the first runner-up club and
you're struggling yet again withsome of these mindset glitches
that we've been talking about,this might be an opportunity for
you to sit back and be likewhere's my mindset at?
Because the honest truth of itis mindset is 80% of your
success and if your mindset isglitching, then you're not
(15:19):
showing up 100% authentically asyou, because you're a little
bit stuck and caught up in, youknow, overcorrecting some of
these things that your mindsetis telling you or that your
thoughts are telling you youneed to be doing or that you're
not doing good enough.
So Maybe consider some mindsetsupport if you're finding
yourself in that first runner-upclub and honestly getting burnt
(15:41):
out by it because that is soreal.
And then, of course, anotherongoing challenge is the last
chances challenge.
Like this is my last year, I'maging out, and with that last
chance challenge comes somedesperation, and that
desperation energy is going tobe associated with more mindset
(16:02):
glitches, the glitches of am Iworking hard enough?
What the what ifs, all of thewhat ifs, the comparison, even
like the more like oh I hate toput this word on it, it's kind
of too negative for what I meanbut kind of the self-righteous
comparison of what makes mebetter than them that I should
(16:25):
win.
Those are very real thoughtsthat we all have because we're
human.
So the last chances or agingout challenge is a big one
because that desperation energyfuels mindset glitches like
crazy.
So with the last chanceschallenge, I would suggest
(16:46):
staying so focused on your bigpicture, so focused on your why,
and do a lot of extra work withbuilding self-confidence,
building resilience and lovingyourself, appreciating yourself
for exactly who you are, nomatter what the outcome is of
the competition, no matter whatsomebody else says or thinks
(17:07):
about you.
If you can be so grounded androoted in exactly who you are
and have so much appreciationand gratitude for who you are,
then you will have a shield thatwill help protect you from the
fear of not achieving this goal,because the fear of not
achieving this goal, because thefear of not achieving the goal,
usually is tied to your ownsense of self-worth, and we need
to detach that.
Who you are, your worth, yourvalue, is not in any way
(17:32):
affiliated with the outcome of apageant competition period.
The next theme is one that Ilove because it hits home for me
, and that is where you startdoesn't define where you finish,
and this has everything to dowith how our setbacks have
(17:57):
influenced our limiting beliefsand our confidence in ourselves.
Limiting beliefs in pageantryoftentimes are stemming from I
don't have enough money, I don'thave the support system, I
don't have the wardrobe, Ididn't grow up in a super stable
(18:17):
home, in a super stable home,things, that it's all.
It's also stemming fromcomparison, because we see from
our outside perspective, notreally knowing the truth behind
somebody else's life, that youknow someone else has you know
the momager and the funds tosupport her couture wardrobe and
(18:37):
she's got sponsors galore andfor some reason that makes us
feel like she has a leg up.
Now in some ways she may have aleg up, but we do not know what
she struggles with internally.
We do not know if maybe themomager is actually overbearing
behind closed doors and that'sactually causing a lot of
internal pressure that she's notshowing and that's actually
causing a lot of internalpressure that she's not showing.
(18:59):
So we all have our challenges.
We have to stay in our own lanes, stop looking at other people
and envying what we think theyhave, because we have no idea
what they don't have, and wehave to start looking at all the
things that we have, includingflipping the script on our
(19:19):
limiting beliefs that are basedon our circumstances.
We have things in our headsthat we consider to be setbacks,
but what happens if we flip thescript and ask ourselves but
how does that empower me?
How does that setback make me astronger person?
How has that circumstance inwhich I grew up allowed me to be
more compassionate towardsother people?
That's something that I've hadto sit with in quiet spaces for
(19:46):
the past year of.
How has pregnancy loss allowedme to be more compassionate?
How has my experience ofliterally almost bleeding out in
(20:06):
the hospital allowed me to gainperspective on other people's
medical emergencies or even theexperiences that women have in
the ER with doctors that don'tget it and people that say
things that are widelyinappropriate and unhelpful and
often harmful, like these majorcircumstances in my life.
I could easily sit there andfeel like woe is me, and I do.
(20:30):
I have those moments, oh mygosh, like don't think that I
don't have.
The woe is me, pity partymoments I do.
I'm human, but more thananything, I'm looking at this as
an opportunity to grow, becauseempowering myself feels a heck
of a lot better than nose divinginto the yuck of how horrible
(20:56):
my circumstances are and justfeeling sorry for myself.
I can't get anything done thatway and I can't influence other
people in that space, and so Ihave to work through empowering
myself.
And the same thing goes for youwith any setbacks that you've
had in your life.
How do those setbacks supportyour end game rather than
(21:18):
detract from your ability to getthings done to show up to win
that title despite thesecircumstances?
So think about things like, ifyou don't have the financial
support and you've had to hustleto get sponsors to work a
couple of extra jobs, that wasme.
(21:39):
I didn't have any financialsupport from my family.
I was strategic.
I was fortunate that I hadlocal titles that had sponsors
that had a wardrobe for me tochoose from for appearances, so
that I didn't have to go out andbuy a whole bunch of stuff I
borrowed.
I worked with sponsors andshowed them my gratitude and
(22:00):
appreciation so that they wouldcontinue supporting women after
me.
I was working two or three jobsin college, going to school
full-time, paying my own rent,paying for my car, car insurance
, cell phone, my tuition all ofthis while also going after my
dreams.
And there were absolutelymoments not even moments, days,
(22:23):
weeks, like times that I satthere and felt like I'd never be
able to succeed in this becauseother people don't have it this
hard.
What a sad state of mind to bein.
What a state of mind to be in.
(22:45):
What a disempowering, crappyplace to be in your mind.
Because now I look back and I'mlike I did that.
I worked multiple jobs and Iput myself through school and I
paid my own rent and my carinsurance and my cell phone.
I did that.
I built beautiful relationshipsand was truly humbled by the
support that surrounded me, andI took that support and I poured
it back into the community andI do that now as a coach.
(23:08):
Paying it forward is soempowering to take that and look
back at what you didn't havebut what you created out of
nothing.
That's a strength, that is grit, that is resilience, that is a
skill that you can bring as atitle holder, that is a message
that you can bring as a rolemodel that those out there that
(23:30):
have been handed their stuff maynot be able to do, at least not
in the same way that you can.
I'm not saying that people thathave had the financial support
and the backing and all of thiswonderful resources aren't
appreciative and aren't able toalso show up in this same way.
But it's just different whenyou've had to build it with your
(23:50):
own two hands.
So let's flip the script andremember that where you start
does not define where you finish.
Next, speaking of finishing,it's never done.
Let's remember that.
Shall we?
(24:11):
Our goals may end because weage out or circumstances happen
that we are no longer able tocompete for that goal and we
have to say goodbye to it andthere's a grieving process with
that.
But let's remember thatpageants are not our life, and
the reason I'm bringing that upis one of the themes has been
that Miss America increased theage limit.
So to this I say because I havea few clients that had aged out
(24:33):
and now they haven't, or we'regoing to age out this next year,
but now they have two years.
I say chase your dream, but notin sacrifice of your future.
When I was competing, the agelimit was 24.
I just graduated college.
It took me a little bit longerbecause of all the reasons I
just said before and also Ididn't know what I wanted to do
(24:54):
for my degree.
So I took my time.
But I was done competing at age24, gave up my title of Miss
Wisconsin at 25, and then I wentinto my career.
But now, with the age limitbeing 28, it gives amazing
opportunity for women to earnmore scholarships, to have more
chances to win the state title,to go to Miss America, america,
(25:25):
but it also may impede yourability to focus 100% on your
career, on your future endeavorsoutside of pageantry.
So to this I say find balance.
Find balance and remember whereyour priorities are.
Also, remember that the workthat you do outside of pageants
whether you're working afull-time job or you're going to
school full-time or you've gotI don't know, maybe you're
traveling or something theexperiences that you have
(25:46):
outside of pageants elevate yourpresence in competition,
elevate who you are, which willultimately elevate who you are
as a title holder.
And if you show up elevated,like that woman that you would
be as a title holder, then youare going to perform better at
competition.
You're going to see betterresults because you will be able
to more deeply express who youare, what you're about and what
(26:07):
you bring to the table, to thosejudges and on stage.
So remember, pageants are notyour life.
They can excel you, they canbuild you, you can grow, you can
build connections, you cannetwork.
I mean a lot of us get ourfirst full-time career job
because of the connections thatwe've made in pageantry and
(26:27):
because of our interview skills.
Like, I'm not going to say thatit doesn't support you in those
ways, but don't let it hold youback from going after those
dreams that maybe you're puttingoff because you want to focus
your time and energy on thisgoal of winning.
Miss XYZ, maybe shift, you know.
Find a point in your life.
Maybe mid-20s is a good timefor you to start shifting and
(26:50):
being, you know, assessing.
Am I prioritizing my futureover pageants?
Are pageants aiding my future,not being the sole focus of my
future right now, because I willtell you from experience that
there is a weird, weird letdownfrom when you're finally
(27:11):
officially done competing andthen you go into the rest of
your life and you're like what'snext?
Maybe not for everyone, butthat was my experience.
So make sure that you arefinding balance and setting your
priorities in a way that willsupport you long term.
You will often hear me talkabout the big picture, and
frequently we're talking aboutit in terms of what's your big
picture, of what you want to do.
(27:32):
As the title holder, what doesyour year look like?
Well, I'm starting to expandthat to no, no, no.
What is your big picture foryour life?
Expand that to no, no, no.
What is your big picture foryour life and how are you
utilizing pageantry to build upto that big picture experience
that you want to have somedayfar in the future and that may
seem really overwhelming, butjust remember that there's no
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end to what you can dream andthere's no shame or anything
wrong with changing your mindand switching paths.
I did it multiple times.
If I hadn't, I wouldn't betalking to you right now.
So take with that what you willhave a few more here, and I
(28:22):
have no idea how long I've beentalking.
To be honest, I'm just goingoff.
You have more value, more skills, more qualities than you
consciously realize.
Subconsciously, like your soul,your inner self, the core of
who you are, knows how awesomeyou are, knows how worthy you
are.
We don't always consciouslyrealize it, and I find this when
(28:43):
I'm sitting down with clientsand we're talking about what are
your inner qualities, or whenI'm asking practice interview
questions about you know, giveme an example of a time that you
were a leader, and our mindgoes blank because we're like,
oh my gosh, I don't know that.
I can think of a specificexample of a time that I was a
leader.
I've never been a supervisor,I've never held like a political
(29:03):
leadership role, or I've neverbeen, you know, like an
executive in a sorority or Idon't know how that.
I've never been in a sorority.
So don't come at me because Ireally don't know how it works.
But anyway, you get what I'msaying.
Can't think of any specificexamples for a leadership
experience that you've had.
But to this I will say you needto get creative, girl.
(29:25):
You need to pan out yourperspective on what makes you
prepared for the job.
You need to take a step backand look at all the experiences
that you've had in your life andhow those experiences have
shaped you, have helped youdevelop skills, have built value
in what you bring to the table.
You got to get creative becauseour subconscious mind knows
(29:48):
even when our conscious mind isnot fully aware of our
awesomeness.
So lean into the experiencesthat you've had to really hone
in on and culminate a list ofyour value, your skills, your
qualities that you bring to thetable.
The better you know yourselfflaws and all the more
(30:10):
authentically you will show upin every situation, especially
interview.
Next, I have heard of a lot ofyou that have been popping
around and switching from MissAmerica to Miss Volunteer
America, to Miss USA, to variousother programs.
(30:30):
Those are the three thattypically come to mind for me.
You're switching systems.
Maybe you're even switchingstates.
Maybe you're thinking aboutchanging your initiative and
you're having some self-doubtabout any of these things.
To that I will say girl, do it,switch it up, change it, follow
your gut, follow your intuition.
(30:51):
Do it for the sake of your ownexperience, to build on what
you've already gained.
If you've burnt out and you feellike you've gotten everything
you can out of the system thatyou've been competing in and you
need a challenge.
Do it, move into a differentsystem, challenge yourself.
The only way that we willreally grow exponentially is
(31:11):
through challenging ourselves,through switching it up, through
pushing ourselves into brandnew territory.
That is how we will grow.
So if you are thinking aboutswitching systems, I highly
recommend it, especially ifyou're thinking about it for all
the right reasons, not becauseyou're chasing a crown.
So that's my caveat to that.
If you are thinking ofswitching states because you
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have heard really good thingsabout the organization in this
other state that you are alsoqualifying for, or maybe it's
because of school or that'swhere you want to be long term.
Whatever it is, I'm not judgingany of your reasons.
Switch, do it, try somethingnew.
Again, caveat is don't do itjust because you're chasing a
(31:55):
title.
And finally, the angst behindchanging a platform.
I think I did an entire episodeon initiatives and switching it
up and where to start.
So check back on that, becauseI give my whole story of how I
started my initial platform ofdrug use prevention and
awareness, and it was all inhonor of my brother, tyler, who
(32:17):
ended his life and was addictedto methamphetamine, and I did
that for a couple of years andburnt out and I needed something
to refresh, and so I switchedmy platform to Empowering Women
Mind, body and Soul completeopposite of what I had been
doing, but it was everything Ineeded to elevate my sense of
self, to rebuild my confidence,to get healthy again.
And then, when I came back tocompete my very last year, after
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having some time off fromtalking about my brother, I
decided to go back all in onthat, because if I had the
opportunity to bring anyplatform to the national stage,
it was going to be that one.
It was going to be my brother'slegacy, it was going to be how
addiction and suicide hasimpacted my family and my mental
health and grief, so that myvulnerability has the potential
(33:01):
to change lives at a nationallevel.
And I do not regret thatdecision at all.
Was it hard?
Absolutely, but it was the bestdecision that I could have made
for me.
So if you're thinking aboutchanging your initiatives
because your interests havechanged, do it.
You don't win with what you do.
You win with who you are.
So make sure that you are justfollowing the right path of who
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you are, who you want to be.
Let's see.
Wait, where do I want to gonext?
I have a few that I jotted down, but I knew that I wanted to do
it in a certain order.
Oh, I'm going to do this onenext If you're competing soon
(33:43):
for the first time ever, youguys, I had like an 11 year old
client, my youngest client thatI've ever worked with, and she
was adorable.
Oh my gosh, I still think abouther frequently because she just
like every time I got off thecall with her, I just felt
rejuvenated.
So what we came up withtogether is about your nerves.
So just like anxiety beforecompetition and how like your
(34:06):
nerves can just feel reallyoverwhelming and almost
paralyzing.
And so we decided that it'simportant to remember your
nerves are welcome to the party,but they are not allowed to
ruin it, and by this I meanemotions are really not the
enemy.
Emotions serve a purpose.
So we have to try and getcomfortable with the
(34:27):
fluctuations of our emotions andavoid judging ourselves for it.
Get into a space where you canalmost anticipate that you're
going to be nervous, becausethink about it have you ever
gone into an interview withoutbeing nervous?
Have you ever gone out toperform on stage without being
nervous, even if you were doinga warm up interview as the
outgoing title holder or even ifyou were doing just a
(34:50):
performance on stage as avisiting title holder.
The nerves are part of itbecause it's our adrenaline
coursing through us, and so Ithink it's impossible to say I
don't want to be nervous beforeinterview.
I think it's more feasible andhealthy to say I anticipate that
I'm going to be nervous beforeinterview.
I think it's more feasible andhealthy to say I anticipate that
I'm going to be nervous butit's not going to ruin me.
(35:12):
I know I'm going to be nervous,it's going to be welcome at the
table, but I'm not going to letit overpower the conversation.
The nerves are not controllingme, I am controlling myself.
So they're welcome to the party, but they're not allowed to
ruin it.
That is actually one of myfavorite themes and takeaways
(35:33):
from coaching over the summerNext competition day and week.
So recently, when I was workingwith one of my clients that's
currently at Miss America thisweek, we were talking about how
we wanted to approach mindsetfor approaching Miss America
this week, and I remember when Iwas going to Miss America and I
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was really fixated on thecompetition.
I was glitching all over theplace.
My mindset was not it at thattime.
I just wasn't healthy, mymental health wasn't great and I
was burning myself out thatsummer before I went to Atlantic
City to compete.
And what I wish I would havedone was looked at it as a
(36:17):
celebration, as a culmination ofyears of dreaming and working
and crying and fighting for thisgoal to get to this national
stage.
And I wish that I would havejust been there to celebrate
everything that I had done.
And so this particular theme, Ithink, is important because we
often get into again if we goback to competition, fatigue or
(36:39):
last chances or the first runnerup club.
If we were to look at the dayof competition or the week of
competition as a celebration,celebrating ourselves,
celebrating the people that aresupporting us, celebrating our
setbacks and how we've grownthrough it, celebrating the
other women that we're competingwith, celebrating the
(36:59):
organization, what it's done forwomen for decades, whatever
organization it is that you'recompeting in, they are all
valuable.
If we can go in with acelebration mindset, then
everything we're doing is out ofjoy rather than out of
desperation or fear Fear of notwinning, fear of failing, fear
of what other people think of uscomparing ourselves to others,
(37:21):
which equates to fear of notbeing enough or doing enough.
If we can go in instead withthat lighthearted, here I am,
the work is done and now I justget to celebrate everything that
I've poured in.
Imagine how different yourexperience is going to be.
And if your experience isdifferent, imagine how different
the outcome will be, even ifyou don't win.
(37:42):
If you have celebrated thatentire week, you will leave
feeling satisfied witheverything that you poured into
it, because what you poured inwas joy, and I think that is one
of the most beautiful ways toapproach competition.
And finally, all of this beingsaid, my biggest, biggest
encouragement for you is to notbe afraid to say what you really
(38:08):
want.
I sit down every week with newwomen sitting through
consultations, talking about whothey are, what their goals are,
what their setbacks have been,what their mindset glitches are,
what they want to work on andwhy this is important to them.
And one of the questions I askis what is your goal?
(38:30):
What is your competition goal?
What is your ultimate goal?
And oftentimes I hear I want tofeel good, I want to place
higher than I did last year, orwell, I'm really new, so I
really just want to experienceit.
Last year I had a lot of fun andthis year I just like I want to
do better than I did last year,but I don't, I don't know if I
can win, so so that's what I'mlooking to do and I always,
(38:53):
always because I need clarity asa coach.
I need, I need true clarity ofexactly what it is that you want
.
So I will push a little bit notpush push is a harsh word but I
will encourage you to reallydig deep and say out loud do you
want to win, even if it's notthis year, even if it's just
someday?
Like, ultimately, do you wantto go to that national
(39:15):
competition?
Do you want to go to thatinternational competition?
Do you want the ultimate prize,the top prize?
Is that what you want in yourheart, even if it's not
something that you want rightnow?
Is that something you wantsomeday?
Say it out loud.
I mean, this isn't somethingyou need to go to the
(39:37):
mountaintop and shout from themountaintop Like.
Say it out loud to someone thatyou trust.
Say it out loud to yourself.
Be very clear about what it is.
Do not sell yourself short.
Do not set a low bar foryourself.
The higher you set that bar,the more you will achieve, even
if you don't reach that bar.
(39:57):
Think about that.
That was one of the best thingsI ever heard from a coach once
was don't set the bar for whatyou think you can accomplish.
Set the bar for everything youwould ever want to accomplish,
because then you'll gain whatyou think you can accomplish.
Set the bar for everything youwould ever want to accomplish,
because then you'll gain whatyou thought you could accomplish
and more.
And that was one of the mostpowerful insights that I take
with me every single day andthings that I have to challenge
(40:18):
myself on as well, because I amalso guilty of setting the bar
to the place that I feelcomfortable rather than pushing
myself to reach even further.
So this fear of saying what youreally want and then going for
it 100%, because the nextquestion I ask is okay, scale of
one to 10, how bad do you wantto reach that goal?
And oftentimes I'll get, oh,like an eight or a nine.
(40:41):
Okay, why?
Why only an eight or a nine?
Well, because I just I don'tknow if I have the resources to
reach my goal, or you know, Idon't know that it's really
possible for me.
There's all these other girlsthat have been doing this for
such a long time and they'vereally, like, earned their way
here, and to that I say, okay,who cares?
(41:01):
How badly do you want to reachthe goal?
That was my question.
Not on a scale of one to 10,how much do you want to reach
the goal?
That was my question.
Not on a scale of one to 10,how much do you think this could
happen for you?
It's, how bad do you want it?
Because that's what matters.
It's an arbitrary thing tothink of whether or not it could
happen for you, but what's realis knowing how bad you want it,
and that's going to be adriving factor for you.
(41:23):
So with that I'm going to wrapup this whole spiel of
everything that I've taken awayNot even everything, it's just a
portion of what I've taken awayfrom my coaching calls over the
summer from last year and myexperiences.
Ultimately, you guys do the workto get grounded.
(41:44):
Do the work to know exactly whyyou're doing this.
Do the work to set yourpriorities.
Do the work to get grounded.
Do the work to know exactly whyyou're doing this.
Do the work to set yourpriorities, do the work to take
care of you when you are well,when you are thinking the
thoughts that best serve you.
Your outcomes will reflect that.
So don't get caught up in themindset glitches that overpower
you.
(42:04):
Mindset glitches are normal,they're natural, they're real.
But use the skills, or learnthe skills and gain the tools
that you need to overcome thoseso that you can empower yourself
to reach further and to achievebigger, and to honestly just do
it in joy, because that's whatbeing fearlessly authentic is
(42:26):
all about.
So, with that, thanks for tuningin, thanks for having grace for
me as I took a break thissummer to heal and reconnect
with who I am and get groundedin my why.
Thank you for creating a safespace for me to talk about very
openly the issues that I hadthis last year with my health,
(42:48):
for being there this last springwhen my dad was going through
his stroke.
He is on the path to recovery.
By the way, I didn't mentionthat he's doing much better.
His speech is improving everysingle week, and so we're just
navigating it kind of one day ata time, and so am I.
So here's to having a reallyincredible healthy season,
(43:09):
navigating setbacks and triumphswith humble confidence and
grace.
And and good luck to everyonecompeting this weekend and to
all of those that are competingat Miss America's Teen and Miss
America this weekend in Florida.
I'm really excited to see whowho's gonna come out with that
title and represent theseorganizations for the next year,
(43:32):
and really looking forward toto talking with with my clients
about their experiences too, andhearing some of your feedback
as well about what you thoughtof the competition this year.
So with that I will be backnext week, topic to be
determined.
So if there's something thatstood out to you today that you
really want to hear more about,please, please, please, reach
(43:54):
out and let me know.
Shoot me a DM at Sash and Soulon Instagram.
I really want to hear, you knowwhat you want to hear from me,
because this is about you, thisis about empowering you and
pouring my love and light andinsights into you for your
benefit.
So until next time, stay well,my friends.
I'll talk to you then.
Bye.
Hey you guys, welcome back to Sash and Soul.
I am so happy to be back withyou after taking a bit of a
break this summer.
I'm hoping that you are welland that you have also taken the
time to regroup, reground overthe summer and right now it just
kind of feels like a freshstart.
I don't know about you, butlike when school's back in
(00:20):
session, it just kind of feelslike all right, heading into a
brand new season.
I feel that way about spring aswell.
I feel that way about NewYear's.
So I kind of like to take sometime to just reflect on what's
happened where I'm at and takethe time to I don't know make
sure that I'm good, right?
(00:42):
So last year I went through awhirlwind of stuff, so I lost
well, my family lost my babyniece at just two days old in
October, rather in August andthen my husband and I went on
(01:03):
our one-year anniversary trip toItaly, which was amazing and
beautiful and full of sadness,because I literally left two
days after I lost my niece.
And then we got back and Ifound out I was pregnant and so,
of course, overjoyed with that,mixed with a lot of differing
feelings of fear and the unknown.
(01:24):
And then I started having somecomplications early on in my
pregnancy and unfortunatelymiscarried in the end of October
, which followed, of course, alot more grieving and struggling
with where to go from here andwaiting for my body to heal and
recover from that experience.
And then in January I had alife-threatening experience
(01:49):
where I started bleeding and itwouldn't stop.
And so by the end of theweekend it started on a Friday
night and I was in the emergencyon Saturday night they sent me
home and then by Sunday morningit was nonstop and I went back
to the emergency room with myhusband and ended up in the ICU
(02:10):
with an emergency surgery to getit to stop.
So just absolute chaos.
And that happened to be thefinals of Miss America.
So no, I didn't watch MissAmerica last year and I still
haven't gone back to watch ityet because I was in the throes
of recovery after that and justtrying to keep up with my
(02:30):
clients and life and my mentalhealth and all that stuff.
So all that happened in January.
And then in May as you know, ifyou've been listening and
following along my dad had astroke and I became a primary
caregiver.
I became his medical power ofattorney, I was living in his
hospital room for two weeks andthen living in a hotel right
(02:53):
next to the hospital for acouple of weeks after that,
during that time, trying to stayon top of taking care of my
clients who were competing fortheir state competitions and
managing to maintain my Sash andSoul podcast episodes with our
guests through the Crowned andCandid series, and so it was
(03:14):
just like a whole mess of stuff.
So, as you could imagine, bythe time state MAO season was
over, I needed a break, I neededto calm my nervous system, I
needed to heal, I needed tofocus on my own rest and
self-care and recovery and, as Isaid earlier, just really
(03:34):
getting regrounded.
So throughout the summer, Ihave been spending some time for
myself, reassessing my why, whyI do this, why I show up for
you guys, why I show up for myclients, how it inspires and
empowers me to do this work, howI've grown through this and how
I want to continue growing andbuilding.
I've been planning for this nextseason of how I want to
(03:57):
approach my coaching calls, myprogramming, the content that I
want to be pouring into this forall of you, what would be most
beneficial for you and honestlyjust taking time to just be me,
because, let's face it, I spenta lot of time this last year
taking care of other people andhealing from grief, and it was
(04:19):
just one of the most chaotic androller coaster esque years of
my life, and that's sayingsomething, because I've been
through some stuff.
But it's the stuff that I'vebeen through that builds me and
that makes me the person that Iam, the coach, that I am, the
(04:40):
woman, that I am the wife that Iam.
All these things and that's alot of what I want to talk about
today with you actually, islike what I have taken away from
this past season of my life andall of the coaching calls that
I've had throughout the summerand the themes that have come
about from all calls, from justconsultations to pageant
(05:02):
competition debriefs to actualcoaching calls and so I have a
whole list of themes that I wantto share with you today, and
I'm excited to do that because Ireally want to hear from you
what's standing out to you, whatis resonating with you based
off of your experiences in thepast year, and where you want to
go in this next season, thisnext chapter.
And I think it's perfect timingbecause Miss America is this
(05:25):
weekend.
So I've been, you know,following along with what's
going on in Florida and checkingin on my clients, making sure
they're good and it sounds likethings are fantastic.
So we're going to be headinginto a weekend of Miss America's
teen finals and Miss Americafinals, and so I'm really really
(05:50):
excited for that.
So I think this is really goodtiming to just regroup and talk
about some of these major themesthat I've been seeing and
things that maybe you can takewith you as you move into your
competition season this year aswell.
So, again, these are some of thethemes, not even all of them.
I was paging through my notesfrom my client calls and just
(06:11):
kind of pulling out my favoriteones and the ones that really
stuck with me.
So I have a lot more than thisto come in future episodes and
we'll dive in deeper into someof these themes in future
episodes.
But these were some of myfavorite themes that came up
from, like I said, competitiondebriefs, which is where I sit
down with my clients afterthey've competed to talk about
what went well, what do youwanna improve on, and just
(06:34):
really have an opportunity tosit back and reflect, because
that can be a really powerfultool for closure and for growth
moving forward.
These are also from consultsthat I've done throughout the
summer and, of course, coachingcalls.
So the first one was a quotethat I wrote down during a
coaching call, during a debriefrather, it was during a debrief
(06:58):
and it says don't livevicariously through me by
telling me what my dreams shouldbe, through me by telling me
what my dreams should be, and Ifound that to be so inspiring.
It was a client that said thisto me and it was coming from a
space of her talking about howher support system tends to have
(07:19):
ideas of what she should orshouldn't do, or just the
struggle during competition weekof the feedback she was getting
like you need to shine more onstage and it doesn't look like
you're having as much fun as youcould be.
And from her perspective, she'slike I was having a great time
and I felt calm and I felt likeI was pouring everything into
(07:40):
that, but it seemed like it wasmissing the mark according to
other people, and the conclusionthat we kind of came to from
this was other people may befeeling some sort of way and
projecting that onto you whenmaybe what you need is
reinforcement.
They are giving you feedback tobehave differently because
maybe they're feeling some sortof way about it.
(08:01):
So with that, I just want totouch on a couple of points that
are important.
First of all, if you've neverheard this, take this to heart.
Not everyone wants to win.
I think there is amisconception actually, I know
there's a misconception commonlythat if you're competing for a
pageant, people assume thatyou're in it to win it.
(08:22):
And why wouldn't you want towin?
I hear this from girls that areon their way to Miss America,
girls that are on their way tostate competitions, even local
competitions, where they're likeI don't really know that I want
to win.
I've got this going on in mylife.
I've got that going on.
This is the space I'm inemotionally.
I want to go and have a goodtime, but I just don't know if
I'm up for the long-termcommitment that is an entire
(08:43):
year of this, or I've never hadthe dream of becoming Miss
America.
I've always wanted to be thestate title and I never wanted
to go on and be a national titleholder.
All of those are valid thoughtsand experiences and desires or
choices to not take that nextstep.
They're valid, and I have satthrough calls with women that
(09:08):
felt judged by others and werejudging themselves, quite
frankly for not wanting whatother people think that they
should want.
So that just brings it back toother people projecting and
living vicariously through you,whether they have aged out a
long time ago or they nevercompeted in their life and they
(09:29):
think it's the coolest thingever.
They just are new to this andwould just think that it's the
coolest thing and all of it isglamorous.
When those of us that have beencompeting for a while have held
titles, we know it's a lot ofhard work and we're not always
up for it in this season of ourlives.
Or we just got an awesome jobthat we want to focus on, or we
just got into a reallyincredible graduate program and
(09:51):
that's where we need to spendour time and energy.
All these things are valid.
So if you've never heard itbefore, hear it now.
It's okay.
If you don't want to win, it'sokay.
Own that, be confident in thatand don't let other people live
vicariously through you.
We all have different goals.
Own yours and let other peopleown theirs without judgment.
(10:21):
The next is just in generalthemes of ongoing challenges,
challenges like competitionfatigue If you find yourself
competing for local after local,after local after local and not
winning and you are spending anentire season of this.
And this is a very common themebecause the goal in Miss
America, in Miss VolunteerAmerica if there are states with
(10:42):
local competitions for that andvarious different pageants and
county fair pageants, a lot ofdifferent seasons that have like
the precursor to getting to thenext level by winning a local
competition or a preliminarycompetition to get there, and
you just keep competing,competing, competing, competing,
and you know that you'regrowing but yet we keep just
hitting this walls of no, of notwinning, not titling, so that
(11:05):
you have to keep pushing throughfor the entire season.
I mean I'm hearing of girlsdoing like five local
competitions in a year.
Eight local competitions in ayear.
It's a lot.
So competition fatigue is acommon challenge that I've been
hearing from women in especiallyconsultations, because they're
(11:26):
coming to me with like I'mfeeling a little beaten down.
I know I'm struggling withcomparison because I go into a
competition and there's a womanthat's competing that was top
five at such and suchcompetition and I just feel like
I'm not going to win becauseshe's already had so much
success.
So we see comparison, we seeself-doubt of you know, what am
(11:47):
I not doing enough?
What do I need to do more of?
And all of these things aregoing to culminate in more of a
desperation energy when you'recompeting, rather than an energy
of joy and of humble confidence, which is what we want.
Going into local competitions,into state competitions, into
any competition, pageants aresupposed to be fun, and if
(12:09):
you're feeling beaten down by itbecause you keep competing and
not winning, or keep competingand not achieving your goals,
then that's going to majorlyaffect your mindset.
And so if you are findingyourself in a situation where
you're going into another yearof competitions and last year it
took you multiple competitionsto win, or multiple competitions
(12:31):
and you never made your goal ofgetting to state it's time to
take a step back and figure outokay, I've been pushing in this
area, in this area, in this area, maybe I need to be
prioritizing something else, andI would strongly suggest that
you talk to somebody with anoutside perspective to help you
kind of navigate.
That.
That's where a consultationcall with me might be helpful,
(12:55):
or sitting down with someonethat you trust.
That isn't going to do thecomparison game with you or
over-criticize you or give youtoo much feedback for what you
should be doing or shouldn't bedoing.
All of these things are goingto all like you're already
(13:16):
struggling with someself-confidence in this space.
We don't need more criticism ormore feedback at this point.
We need a plan.
We need to set some goals,moving forward, goals of
upliftment of self-empowerment,of confidence boosting.
That's what you need in thatspace.
Same goes if you are in thefirst runner-up club or any
(13:36):
runner-up club.
That is something that I'vebeen hearing a lot I'm sure
you've been seeing it too of thegirls that get so close but
still aren't winning, and that'sgoing to come with a whole new
set of mindset glitches of you.
Know what is it about me thatjust isn't good enough?
My performance was great, myinterview was great.
Maybe I even won overallinterview.
(13:57):
So what is it that's missing?
And this is where we have toremember you guys pageants are a
crapshoot.
It is essentially like apersonality contest.
At the end of the day, youcould all have the same level of
skills great talents, greatinterview, great paperwork,
great initiatives, great walking, great wardrobe, great hair and
(14:17):
makeup all these things you'rechecking off the boxes, but at
the end of the day, it's judgeswith their own perspectives,
their own personalities, theirown values, their own ideas of
what they see as qualifiable forbecoming an exceptional title
holder.
Different day, differentpageant, different outcome
(14:37):
because the judges are all goingto be different people and
that's something that's reallyhard to really lean into and
believe for yourself.
It's not the most comfortingthing.
It's just the truth, and thetruth isn't always comforting.
(14:58):
But if you're finding yourselfin the first runner-up club and
you're struggling yet again withsome of these mindset glitches
that we've been talking about,this might be an opportunity for
you to sit back and be likewhere's my mindset at?
Because the honest truth of itis mindset is 80% of your
success and if your mindset isglitching, then you're not
(15:19):
showing up 100% authentically asyou, because you're a little
bit stuck and caught up in, youknow, overcorrecting some of
these things that your mindsetis telling you or that your
thoughts are telling you youneed to be doing or that you're
not doing good enough.
So Maybe consider some mindsetsupport if you're finding
yourself in that first runner-upclub and honestly getting burnt
(15:41):
out by it because that is soreal.
And then, of course, anotherongoing challenge is the last
chances challenge.
Like this is my last year, I'maging out, and with that last
chance challenge comes somedesperation, and that
desperation energy is going tobe associated with more mindset
(16:02):
glitches, the glitches of am Iworking hard enough?
What the what ifs, all of thewhat ifs, the comparison, even
like the more like oh I hate toput this word on it, it's kind
of too negative for what I meanbut kind of the self-righteous
comparison of what makes mebetter than them that I should
(16:25):
win.
Those are very real thoughtsthat we all have because we're
human.
So the last chances or agingout challenge is a big one
because that desperation energyfuels mindset glitches like
crazy.
So with the last chanceschallenge, I would suggest
(16:46):
staying so focused on your bigpicture, so focused on your why,
and do a lot of extra work withbuilding self-confidence,
building resilience and lovingyourself, appreciating yourself
for exactly who you are, nomatter what the outcome is of
the competition, no matter whatsomebody else says or thinks
(17:07):
about you.
If you can be so grounded androoted in exactly who you are
and have so much appreciationand gratitude for who you are,
then you will have a shield thatwill help protect you from the
fear of not achieving this goal,because the fear of not
achieving this goal, because thefear of not achieving the goal,
usually is tied to your ownsense of self-worth, and we need
to detach that.
Who you are, your worth, yourvalue, is not in any way
(17:32):
affiliated with the outcome of apageant competition period.
The next theme is one that Ilove because it hits home for me
, and that is where you startdoesn't define where you finish,
and this has everything to dowith how our setbacks have
(17:57):
influenced our limiting beliefsand our confidence in ourselves.
Limiting beliefs in pageantryoftentimes are stemming from I
don't have enough money, I don'thave the support system, I
don't have the wardrobe, Ididn't grow up in a super stable
(18:17):
home, in a super stable home,things, that it's all.
It's also stemming fromcomparison, because we see from
our outside perspective, notreally knowing the truth behind
somebody else's life, that youknow someone else has you know
the momager and the funds tosupport her couture wardrobe and
(18:37):
she's got sponsors galore andfor some reason that makes us
feel like she has a leg up.
Now in some ways she may have aleg up, but we do not know what
she struggles with internally.
We do not know if maybe themomager is actually overbearing
behind closed doors and that'sactually causing a lot of
internal pressure that she's notshowing and that's actually
causing a lot of internalpressure that she's not showing.
(18:59):
So we all have our challenges.
We have to stay in our own lanes, stop looking at other people
and envying what we think theyhave, because we have no idea
what they don't have, and wehave to start looking at all the
things that we have, includingflipping the script on our
(19:19):
limiting beliefs that are basedon our circumstances.
We have things in our headsthat we consider to be setbacks,
but what happens if we flip thescript and ask ourselves but
how does that empower me?
How does that setback make me astronger person?
How has that circumstance inwhich I grew up allowed me to be
more compassionate towardsother people?
That's something that I've hadto sit with in quiet spaces for
(19:46):
the past year of.
How has pregnancy loss allowedme to be more compassionate?
How has my experience ofliterally almost bleeding out in
(20:06):
the hospital allowed me to gainperspective on other people's
medical emergencies or even theexperiences that women have in
the ER with doctors that don'tget it and people that say
things that are widelyinappropriate and unhelpful and
often harmful, like these majorcircumstances in my life.
I could easily sit there andfeel like woe is me, and I do.
(20:30):
I have those moments, oh mygosh, like don't think that I
don't have.
The woe is me, pity partymoments I do.
I'm human, but more thananything, I'm looking at this as
an opportunity to grow, becauseempowering myself feels a heck
of a lot better than nose divinginto the yuck of how horrible
(20:56):
my circumstances are and justfeeling sorry for myself.
I can't get anything done thatway and I can't influence other
people in that space, and so Ihave to work through empowering
myself.
And the same thing goes for youwith any setbacks that you've
had in your life.
How do those setbacks supportyour end game rather than
(21:18):
detract from your ability to getthings done to show up to win
that title despite thesecircumstances?
So think about things like, ifyou don't have the financial
support and you've had to hustleto get sponsors to work a
couple of extra jobs, that wasme.
(21:39):
I didn't have any financialsupport from my family.
I was strategic.
I was fortunate that I hadlocal titles that had sponsors
that had a wardrobe for me tochoose from for appearances, so
that I didn't have to go out andbuy a whole bunch of stuff I
borrowed.
I worked with sponsors andshowed them my gratitude and
(22:00):
appreciation so that they wouldcontinue supporting women after
me.
I was working two or three jobsin college, going to school
full-time, paying my own rent,paying for my car, car insurance
, cell phone, my tuition all ofthis while also going after my
dreams.
And there were absolutelymoments not even moments, days,
(22:23):
weeks, like times that I satthere and felt like I'd never be
able to succeed in this becauseother people don't have it this
hard.
What a sad state of mind to bein.
What a state of mind to be in.
(22:45):
What a disempowering, crappyplace to be in your mind.
Because now I look back and I'mlike I did that.
I worked multiple jobs and Iput myself through school and I
paid my own rent and my carinsurance and my cell phone.
I did that.
I built beautiful relationshipsand was truly humbled by the
support that surrounded me, andI took that support and I poured
it back into the community andI do that now as a coach.
(23:08):
Paying it forward is soempowering to take that and look
back at what you didn't havebut what you created out of
nothing.
That's a strength, that is grit, that is resilience, that is a
skill that you can bring as atitle holder, that is a message
that you can bring as a rolemodel that those out there that
(23:30):
have been handed their stuff maynot be able to do, at least not
in the same way that you can.
I'm not saying that people thathave had the financial support
and the backing and all of thiswonderful resources aren't
appreciative and aren't able toalso show up in this same way.
But it's just different whenyou've had to build it with your
(23:50):
own two hands.
So let's flip the script andremember that where you start
does not define where you finish.
Next, speaking of finishing,it's never done.
Let's remember that.
Shall we?
(24:11):
Our goals may end because weage out or circumstances happen
that we are no longer able tocompete for that goal and we
have to say goodbye to it andthere's a grieving process with
that.
But let's remember thatpageants are not our life, and
the reason I'm bringing that upis one of the themes has been
that Miss America increased theage limit.
So to this I say because I havea few clients that had aged out
(24:33):
and now they haven't, or we'regoing to age out this next year,
but now they have two years.
I say chase your dream, but notin sacrifice of your future.
When I was competing, the agelimit was 24.
I just graduated college.
It took me a little bit longerbecause of all the reasons I
just said before and also Ididn't know what I wanted to do
(24:54):
for my degree.
So I took my time.
But I was done competing at age24, gave up my title of Miss
Wisconsin at 25, and then I wentinto my career.
But now, with the age limitbeing 28, it gives amazing
opportunity for women to earnmore scholarships, to have more
chances to win the state title,to go to Miss America, america,
(25:25):
but it also may impede yourability to focus 100% on your
career, on your future endeavorsoutside of pageantry.
So to this I say find balance.
Find balance and remember whereyour priorities are.
Also, remember that the workthat you do outside of pageants
whether you're working afull-time job or you're going to
school full-time or you've gotI don't know, maybe you're
traveling or something theexperiences that you have
(25:46):
outside of pageants elevate yourpresence in competition,
elevate who you are, which willultimately elevate who you are
as a title holder.
And if you show up elevated,like that woman that you would
be as a title holder, then youare going to perform better at
competition.
You're going to see betterresults because you will be able
to more deeply express who youare, what you're about and what
(26:07):
you bring to the table, to thosejudges and on stage.
So remember, pageants are notyour life.
They can excel you, they canbuild you, you can grow, you can
build connections, you cannetwork.
I mean a lot of us get ourfirst full-time career job
because of the connections thatwe've made in pageantry and
(26:27):
because of our interview skills.
Like, I'm not going to say thatit doesn't support you in those
ways, but don't let it hold youback from going after those
dreams that maybe you're puttingoff because you want to focus
your time and energy on thisgoal of winning.
Miss XYZ, maybe shift, you know.
Find a point in your life.
Maybe mid-20s is a good timefor you to start shifting and
(26:50):
being, you know, assessing.
Am I prioritizing my futureover pageants?
Are pageants aiding my future,not being the sole focus of my
future right now, because I willtell you from experience that
there is a weird, weird letdownfrom when you're finally
(27:11):
officially done competing andthen you go into the rest of
your life and you're like what'snext?
Maybe not for everyone, butthat was my experience.
So make sure that you arefinding balance and setting your
priorities in a way that willsupport you long term.
You will often hear me talkabout the big picture, and
frequently we're talking aboutit in terms of what's your big
picture, of what you want to do.
(27:32):
As the title holder, what doesyour year look like?
Well, I'm starting to expandthat to no, no, no.
What is your big picture foryour life?
Expand that to no, no, no.
What is your big picture foryour life and how are you
utilizing pageantry to build upto that big picture experience
that you want to have somedayfar in the future and that may
seem really overwhelming, butjust remember that there's no
(27:56):
end to what you can dream andthere's no shame or anything
wrong with changing your mindand switching paths.
I did it multiple times.
If I hadn't, I wouldn't betalking to you right now.
So take with that what you willhave a few more here, and I
(28:22):
have no idea how long I've beentalking.
To be honest, I'm just goingoff.
You have more value, more skills, more qualities than you
consciously realize.
Subconsciously, like your soul,your inner self, the core of
who you are, knows how awesomeyou are, knows how worthy you
are.
We don't always consciouslyrealize it, and I find this when
(28:43):
I'm sitting down with clientsand we're talking about what are
your inner qualities, or whenI'm asking practice interview
questions about you know, giveme an example of a time that you
were a leader, and our mindgoes blank because we're like,
oh my gosh, I don't know that.
I can think of a specificexample of a time that I was a
leader.
I've never been a supervisor,I've never held like a political
(29:03):
leadership role, or I've neverbeen, you know, like an
executive in a sorority or Idon't know how that.
I've never been in a sorority.
So don't come at me because Ireally don't know how it works.
But anyway, you get what I'msaying.
Can't think of any specificexamples for a leadership
experience that you've had.
But to this I will say you needto get creative, girl.
(29:25):
You need to pan out yourperspective on what makes you
prepared for the job.
You need to take a step backand look at all the experiences
that you've had in your life andhow those experiences have
shaped you, have helped youdevelop skills, have built value
in what you bring to the table.
You got to get creative becauseour subconscious mind knows
(29:48):
even when our conscious mind isnot fully aware of our
awesomeness.
So lean into the experiencesthat you've had to really hone
in on and culminate a list ofyour value, your skills, your
qualities that you bring to thetable.
The better you know yourselfflaws and all the more
(30:10):
authentically you will show upin every situation, especially
interview.
Next, I have heard of a lot ofyou that have been popping
around and switching from MissAmerica to Miss Volunteer
America, to Miss USA, to variousother programs.
(30:30):
Those are the three thattypically come to mind for me.
You're switching systems.
Maybe you're even switchingstates.
Maybe you're thinking aboutchanging your initiative and
you're having some self-doubtabout any of these things.
To that I will say girl, do it,switch it up, change it, follow
your gut, follow your intuition.
(30:51):
Do it for the sake of your ownexperience, to build on what
you've already gained.
If you've burnt out and you feellike you've gotten everything
you can out of the system thatyou've been competing in and you
need a challenge.
Do it, move into a differentsystem, challenge yourself.
The only way that we willreally grow exponentially is
(31:11):
through challenging ourselves,through switching it up, through
pushing ourselves into brandnew territory.
That is how we will grow.
So if you are thinking aboutswitching systems, I highly
recommend it, especially ifyou're thinking about it for all
the right reasons, not becauseyou're chasing a crown.
So that's my caveat to that.
If you are thinking ofswitching states because you
(31:33):
have heard really good thingsabout the organization in this
other state that you are alsoqualifying for, or maybe it's
because of school or that'swhere you want to be long term.
Whatever it is, I'm not judgingany of your reasons.
Switch, do it, try somethingnew.
Again, caveat is don't do itjust because you're chasing a
(31:55):
title.
And finally, the angst behindchanging a platform.
I think I did an entire episodeon initiatives and switching it
up and where to start.
So check back on that, becauseI give my whole story of how I
started my initial platform ofdrug use prevention and
awareness, and it was all inhonor of my brother, tyler, who
(32:17):
ended his life and was addictedto methamphetamine, and I did
that for a couple of years andburnt out and I needed something
to refresh, and so I switchedmy platform to Empowering Women
Mind, body and Soul completeopposite of what I had been
doing, but it was everything Ineeded to elevate my sense of
self, to rebuild my confidence,to get healthy again.
And then, when I came back tocompete my very last year, after
(32:40):
having some time off fromtalking about my brother, I
decided to go back all in onthat, because if I had the
opportunity to bring anyplatform to the national stage,
it was going to be that one.
It was going to be my brother'slegacy, it was going to be how
addiction and suicide hasimpacted my family and my mental
health and grief, so that myvulnerability has the potential
(33:01):
to change lives at a nationallevel.
And I do not regret thatdecision at all.
Was it hard?
Absolutely, but it was the bestdecision that I could have made
for me.
So if you're thinking aboutchanging your initiatives
because your interests havechanged, do it.
You don't win with what you do.
You win with who you are.
So make sure that you are justfollowing the right path of who
(33:22):
you are, who you want to be.
Let's see.
Wait, where do I want to gonext?
I have a few that I jotted down, but I knew that I wanted to do
it in a certain order.
Oh, I'm going to do this onenext If you're competing soon
(33:43):
for the first time ever, youguys, I had like an 11 year old
client, my youngest client thatI've ever worked with, and she
was adorable.
Oh my gosh, I still think abouther frequently because she just
like every time I got off thecall with her, I just felt
rejuvenated.
So what we came up withtogether is about your nerves.
So just like anxiety beforecompetition and how like your
(34:06):
nerves can just feel reallyoverwhelming and almost
paralyzing.
And so we decided that it'simportant to remember your
nerves are welcome to the party,but they are not allowed to
ruin it, and by this I meanemotions are really not the
enemy.
Emotions serve a purpose.
So we have to try and getcomfortable with the
(34:27):
fluctuations of our emotions andavoid judging ourselves for it.
Get into a space where you canalmost anticipate that you're
going to be nervous, becausethink about it have you ever
gone into an interview withoutbeing nervous?
Have you ever gone out toperform on stage without being
nervous, even if you were doinga warm up interview as the
outgoing title holder or even ifyou were doing just a
(34:50):
performance on stage as avisiting title holder.
The nerves are part of itbecause it's our adrenaline
coursing through us, and so Ithink it's impossible to say I
don't want to be nervous beforeinterview.
I think it's more feasible andhealthy to say I anticipate that
I'm going to be nervous beforeinterview.
I think it's more feasible andhealthy to say I anticipate that
I'm going to be nervous butit's not going to ruin me.
(35:12):
I know I'm going to be nervous,it's going to be welcome at the
table, but I'm not going to letit overpower the conversation.
The nerves are not controllingme, I am controlling myself.
So they're welcome to the party, but they're not allowed to
ruin it.
That is actually one of myfavorite themes and takeaways
(35:33):
from coaching over the summerNext competition day and week.
So recently, when I was workingwith one of my clients that's
currently at Miss America thisweek, we were talking about how
we wanted to approach mindsetfor approaching Miss America
this week, and I remember when Iwas going to Miss America and I
(35:57):
was really fixated on thecompetition.
I was glitching all over theplace.
My mindset was not it at thattime.
I just wasn't healthy, mymental health wasn't great and I
was burning myself out thatsummer before I went to Atlantic
City to compete.
And what I wish I would havedone was looked at it as a
(36:17):
celebration, as a culmination ofyears of dreaming and working
and crying and fighting for thisgoal to get to this national
stage.
And I wish that I would havejust been there to celebrate
everything that I had done.
And so this particular theme, Ithink, is important because we
often get into again if we goback to competition, fatigue or
(36:39):
last chances or the first runnerup club.
If we were to look at the dayof competition or the week of
competition as a celebration,celebrating ourselves,
celebrating the people that aresupporting us, celebrating our
setbacks and how we've grownthrough it, celebrating the
other women that we're competingwith, celebrating the
(36:59):
organization, what it's done forwomen for decades, whatever
organization it is that you'recompeting in, they are all
valuable.
If we can go in with acelebration mindset, then
everything we're doing is out ofjoy rather than out of
desperation or fear Fear of notwinning, fear of failing, fear
of what other people think of uscomparing ourselves to others,
(37:21):
which equates to fear of notbeing enough or doing enough.
If we can go in instead withthat lighthearted, here I am,
the work is done and now I justget to celebrate everything that
I've poured in.
Imagine how different yourexperience is going to be.
And if your experience isdifferent, imagine how different
the outcome will be, even ifyou don't win.
(37:42):
If you have celebrated thatentire week, you will leave
feeling satisfied witheverything that you poured into
it, because what you poured inwas joy, and I think that is one
of the most beautiful ways toapproach competition.
And finally, all of this beingsaid, my biggest, biggest
encouragement for you is to notbe afraid to say what you really
(38:08):
want.
I sit down every week with newwomen sitting through
consultations, talking about whothey are, what their goals are,
what their setbacks have been,what their mindset glitches are,
what they want to work on andwhy this is important to them.
And one of the questions I askis what is your goal?
(38:30):
What is your competition goal?
What is your ultimate goal?
And oftentimes I hear I want tofeel good, I want to place
higher than I did last year, orwell, I'm really new, so I
really just want to experienceit.
Last year I had a lot of fun andthis year I just like I want to
do better than I did last year,but I don't, I don't know if I
can win, so so that's what I'mlooking to do and I always,
(38:53):
always because I need clarity asa coach.
I need, I need true clarity ofexactly what it is that you want
.
So I will push a little bit notpush push is a harsh word but I
will encourage you to reallydig deep and say out loud do you
want to win, even if it's notthis year, even if it's just
someday?
Like, ultimately, do you wantto go to that national
(39:15):
competition?
Do you want to go to thatinternational competition?
Do you want the ultimate prize,the top prize?
Is that what you want in yourheart, even if it's not
something that you want rightnow?
Is that something you wantsomeday?
Say it out loud.
I mean, this isn't somethingyou need to go to the
(39:37):
mountaintop and shout from themountaintop Like.
Say it out loud to someone thatyou trust.
Say it out loud to yourself.
Be very clear about what it is.
Do not sell yourself short.
Do not set a low bar foryourself.
The higher you set that bar,the more you will achieve, even
if you don't reach that bar.
(39:57):
Think about that.
That was one of the best thingsI ever heard from a coach once
was don't set the bar for whatyou think you can accomplish.
Set the bar for everything youwould ever want to accomplish,
because then you'll gain whatyou think you can accomplish.
Set the bar for everything youwould ever want to accomplish,
because then you'll gain whatyou thought you could accomplish
and more.
And that was one of the mostpowerful insights that I take
with me every single day andthings that I have to challenge
(40:18):
myself on as well, because I amalso guilty of setting the bar
to the place that I feelcomfortable rather than pushing
myself to reach even further.
So this fear of saying what youreally want and then going for
it 100%, because the nextquestion I ask is okay, scale of
one to 10, how bad do you wantto reach that goal?
And oftentimes I'll get, oh,like an eight or a nine.
(40:41):
Okay, why?
Why only an eight or a nine?
Well, because I just I don'tknow if I have the resources to
reach my goal, or you know, Idon't know that it's really
possible for me.
There's all these other girlsthat have been doing this for
such a long time and they'vereally, like, earned their way
here, and to that I say, okay,who cares?
(41:01):
How badly do you want to reachthe goal?
That was my question.
Not on a scale of one to 10,how much do you want to reach
the goal?
That was my question.
Not on a scale of one to 10,how much do you think this could
happen for you?
It's, how bad do you want it?
Because that's what matters.
It's an arbitrary thing tothink of whether or not it could
happen for you, but what's realis knowing how bad you want it,
and that's going to be adriving factor for you.
(41:23):
So with that I'm going to wrapup this whole spiel of
everything that I've taken awayNot even everything, it's just a
portion of what I've taken awayfrom my coaching calls over the
summer from last year and myexperiences.
Ultimately, you guys do the workto get grounded.
(41:44):
Do the work to know exactly whyyou're doing this.
Do the work to set yourpriorities.
Do the work to get grounded.
Do the work to know exactly whyyou're doing this.
Do the work to set yourpriorities, do the work to take
care of you when you are well,when you are thinking the
thoughts that best serve you.
Your outcomes will reflect that.
So don't get caught up in themindset glitches that overpower
you.
(42:04):
Mindset glitches are normal,they're natural, they're real.
But use the skills, or learnthe skills and gain the tools
that you need to overcome thoseso that you can empower yourself
to reach further and to achievebigger, and to honestly just do
it in joy, because that's whatbeing fearlessly authentic is
(42:26):
all about.
So, with that, thanks for tuningin, thanks for having grace for
me as I took a break thissummer to heal and reconnect
with who I am and get groundedin my why.
Thank you for creating a safespace for me to talk about very
openly the issues that I hadthis last year with my health,
(42:48):
for being there this last springwhen my dad was going through
his stroke.
He is on the path to recovery.
By the way, I didn't mentionthat he's doing much better.
His speech is improving everysingle week, and so we're just
navigating it kind of one day ata time, and so am I.
So here's to having a reallyincredible healthy season,
(43:09):
navigating setbacks and triumphswith humble confidence and
grace.
And and good luck to everyonecompeting this weekend and to
all of those that are competingat Miss America's Teen and Miss
America this weekend in Florida.
I'm really excited to see whowho's gonna come out with that
title and represent theseorganizations for the next year,
(43:32):
and really looking forward toto talking with with my clients
about their experiences too, andhearing some of your feedback
as well about what you thoughtof the competition this year.
So with that I will be backnext week, topic to be
determined.
So if there's something thatstood out to you today that you
really want to hear more about,please, please, please, reach
(43:54):
out and let me know.
Shoot me a DM at Sash and Soulon Instagram.
I really want to hear, you knowwhat you want to hear from me,
because this is about you, thisis about empowering you and
pouring my love and light andinsights into you for your
benefit.
So until next time, stay well,my friends.
I'll talk to you then.
Bye.
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