November 21, 2025 • 40 mins
In this week's episode, I'm breaking down the recent Miss Universe controversy and the bigger conversation it sparks about conflict, mistreatment, and emotional maturity in pageant culture. I'm sharing my own experiences as a former titleholder, the lessons I learned the hard way, and what Miss Mexico's response can teach all of us about grace under pressure. Whether you're a new competitor, a seasoned titleholder, or someone who supports the industry, this episode offers a real, grounded look at how to advocate for yourself, navigate difficult dynamics, and protect your peace without hurting your reputation. Let's talk about what pageantry should look like, where we can do better, and how you can stay empowered every step of the way.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:28):
Hey, what's up you guys?
Welcome back to Sash and Soul.
I am sorry that I've been MIAfor the last couple of weeks.
I just haven't been at my best.
So unfortunately, that justmeant me taking a little bit
more time for myself.
And so I'm really sorry to leaveyou hanging.
But I really try and practicewhat I preach.
(00:49):
So when I look at the thingsthat I need to get done in the
day-to-day and my priorities, Imake sure that I prioritize the
calls that I have with clientsand any consultations that I
have.
But then after that, it's kindof like social media is kind of
the first thing to go.
And then sometimes the podcastunfortunately goes to the back
(01:10):
burner as well.
So I apologize.
I do really like to be hereconsistently with you guys every
week on Fridays with a newepisode for you.
So I apologize that that hasbeen lacking in the last couple
of weeks, but we're back.
And today we are going to talkabout something that's super
timely.
We've got the Miss UniverseFinals going on tonight.
(01:35):
So today I want to kind of justgo off.
I really don't have a script.
I don't really have a any bulletpoint list of things that I want
to cover today.
I just have a lot of thoughtsand feelings about just the
pageant industry in general thatthe controversy within the Miss
Universe organization for thepast few weeks has really been
(01:58):
bringing up for me.
And it's not something I haven'ttalked about before.
There are lots of Sash and Soulepisodes where I share very
openly about my criticism forsome of the practices in the
pageant industry.
And I that's important for me.
I want to keep it real.
I never want to sway someonefrom getting involved, but I do
(02:20):
think it's important that ifyou're serious about succeeding
in pageantry, to know, to have arealistic job expectation for
yourself of what it actuallylooks like to hold the title,
who you're working with.
And one of my biggest goals as acoach is to provide the tools to
help you empower yourself and toprotect yourself because
(02:43):
conflict happens.
Even if you have the bestdirectors ever and it's a super
healthy relationship, conflictcan still happen.
So how do you manage that?
How do you navigate that?
How do you handle yourself whenmaybe your emotions are high?
And what do you do within thatspace?
So that's a lot of what I kindof want to talk about today.
(03:05):
That's what it's bringing up forme.
Cause when I look back at myexperience competing, I was
really, really blessed andprivileged to have some of the
best local directors.
Truly, I held four local titlesin the Miss Merrick
organization.
And the directors orco-directors that I had with
(03:28):
each title poured into me andwere there for me in ways that
some of my family memberscouldn't be.
And I will never forget or yeah,like I'll just there's no way
that I can ever repay them forwhat that meant to me and what
(03:48):
that did for me at that time.
Because when I first startedcompeting, I was 17, I was
struggling with depression.
I was in the throes of griefafter losing my brother to
suicide and still like trying tonavigate the trauma that I
experienced growing up.
And um I was just taken in withopen arms and accept accepted
(04:11):
for who I was and encouraged toput myself out there and uh
praised for success and justcelebrated in ways that that I
had maybe never been celebratedbefore.
Um and that's not to say that Ihad like a terrible upbringing
or anything.
I had supportive parents andeverything as well, but it's
(04:34):
complicated.
And so the the support that Ihad in pageantry early on was
incredible.
And I'm so grateful for it.
When I was Miss Wisconsin,however, as a state title
holder, there was a lot moreconflict at that level.
And I didn't have the samerelationship with the directors
(04:54):
or with the board of directorsthat I had with my local
directors.
So it was kind of a almost likea culture shock for me that I
wasn't quite expecting.
And I learned a lot throughnavigating that, through making
mistakes and through, you know,multiple misunderstandings and
(05:14):
communication that now I use inmy life and with my clients to
help them better understand howto navigate these things without
honestly looking like theasshole.
Excuse my language.
But how do you stand up foryourself when you're dealing
with difficult people withoutlooking like the jerk?
So if we take this back towhat's been happening with Miss
(05:38):
Universe and the controversythat happened a couple of weeks
ago at the sashing ceremonywhere Miss Mexico was berated by
one of the executives and thenchose to walk out and then was
followed by other title holdersthat walked out after her,
including the outgoing MissUniverse 2024.
(06:00):
I think that is a great examplefor us to look at of okay, how
do we, how do we navigatesituations like that?
Because any job that you have,any industry that you're in will
not be perfect.
There will be conflict and therewill be people that are in it
for the wrong reasons, or thattreat people poorly, or that
disrespect you, or that havereally terrible bias, um, biases
(06:24):
that that can be prejudiced andpainful and horrible to undergo.
And in this particularsituation, let's just label it
as bullying because Miss Mexicowas truly bullied in that
situation.
If you have no idea what I'mtalking about, feel free to look
it up.
(06:44):
There's like I saw it was likeevery other TikTok was about the
situation in Thailand a coupleof weeks ago.
So you can find it.
I'm not gonna like go throughall of the nitty-gritty details.
I have it all written out infront of me as if I was going to
just like report the news to youas to what happened, but I'm not
gonna do that.
Um, so but if we look at thatsituation, there's a very clear
(07:08):
lesson that can be learned fromhow Miss Mexico handled herself.
And that is having grace underpressure.
Knowing that in life, we can'talways control what happens to
us or around us, but we do havethe capability to control how we
(07:31):
respond.
One of the problems withcontrolling how we respond is if
we are highly emotional, it'sgonna be really, really
difficult to reasonably expectourselves to respond in the most
appropriate way.
Because when we're highlyemotional, and I'm gonna use the
(07:52):
term dysregulated, when youremotions are dysregulated, when
you have inflicted your fight,flight, or freeze response, we
go into a very primitive spacein our brain and we are no
longer in a very wise state ofmind to be able to respond
(08:14):
respectfully or in ways that inour best state of mind, we would
typically handle ourselves.
That's why I think we get a lotof like outside perspectives
telling us how we should orshouldn't have behaved.
Because yeah, it's easy from anoutside perspective from someone
that isn't in that emotionalfight or flight space to have
like a rational perspective asto how you should have or could
(08:35):
have responded.
But when you're in that space offight, flight, or freeze, it's a
lot harder for you to navigatethe best way to respond.
So we have options though.
If you find yourself in conflictand you are struggling with some
level, any level of emotionaldysregulation, one of the best
(08:56):
things you can do is pause andchoose not to confront it right
then and there.
And that's something that Iactually recently practiced for
myself.
It was about a week ago, andthere was a conflict with a
family member, and I wasincredibly emotional.
(09:17):
I was, I really was just tryingto express how I felt about
something, and it didn't comeacross apparently in the way
that I thought it did.
And they then responded as suchand were clearly upset with me,
and I triggered them in someway, and then I was kind of
(09:37):
being attacked for that, andthen emotions just kind of went
haywire.
And we ended the conversation,and I took hours.
Like I'm still even nowreflecting on it and trying to
navigate and figure out like howI best want to move forward.
We don't always have thatoption, and I understand that.
(10:14):
If you can, on the other side,use some of those skills to get
ahead of that fight, flight, orfreeze response, which can be
really tricky, but it's thingsthat we practice of taking a
deep breath, doing someself-talk, like trying to calm
our nervous system.
That's always step one is like,how can we maintain a level of
(10:36):
calm in the midst of conflict?
How can we maintain our calmnervous system at a healthy
level in the midst of conflictby telling ourselves that we're
safe, we're okay, we can handlethis, we've handled conflict
before, it's going to be okay.
In that space, you can moreappropriately respond to the
(11:00):
conflict.
And I think like watching MissMexico, and I watched her
statement from when she left theroom immediately after, after,
after the um the the conflicthappened with the Thai
executive.
Um when she left and she choseto s to pause and make a
(11:22):
statement.
It was obviously verypassionate, but she managed to
keep her composure.
She found a way to groundherself rather than reacting
emotionally.
And it was so impressive to melistening to her words and what
she had to say, like quotablestatements that she said that I
(11:46):
think we could all take toheart.
And and then going back to likestand up for yourself when you
are being mistreated.
And in the pageant industry,that's that's a difficult thing
to do.
And I'm gonna get to that about,you know, how we're kind of told
to just be grateful for what wehave.
This is an opportunity for us,and that somehow negates the
(12:09):
mistreatment that we mayexperience with that title.
I mean, that was something thatthat was a message that I
certainly received as MissWisconsin, especially, was that
I sounded entitled or ungratefulwhen I was voicing my concerns
or when I was trying to makechanges so that it wasn't as
difficult for the next MissWisconsin.
Um, and we'll dive into thatlater.
(12:30):
But for for Miss Mexico and hercomposure, the way that she was
able to regulate her emotions,even under that stress, shows me
that she's done the work, totruly know who she is, truly
know what that she's worthy andwhere her value lies, and that
(12:54):
no crown is worth her beingtreated that way.
And I think we're seeing that somuch in the pageant industry,
and I'm absolutely here for it.
Especially like if we look atthe last five years, even the
last decade in various differentpageant systems.
(13:14):
Like, look at Miss America andhow we went from, you know, the
original Miss America to 2.0,and all of that was coming out
because of mistreatment of MissAmericas at that level.
And then we were seeing upheavalon the state levels of directors
being basically fired or let gofrom their positions or um
taking licenses away fromdifferent state organizations
(13:38):
because of the way that theywere treating their girls or
running the organization orwhatever it was.
So we saw a lot of that dramagoing underway with the Miss
America organization.
And then, of course, within MissUSA and Miss Universe, we've
been seeing title holders stepdown and being very vocal that
they are stepping down for thesake of their mental health and
they are putting themselvesfirst.
(13:59):
It is to me a movement and it isa force of empowerment for us to
be seeing other women in thatspace do that, to actually step
down.
Because, okay, I think I thinkit would be really hard for
someone that that maybe doesn'tunderstand the experience of a
(14:24):
title holder.
But when you've held a title,when you've competed at a state
or a national level, you developan ongoing bond with these other
women.
And you develop a sisterhood notonly with the women that you
directly compete with, but youdevelop a sisterhood with women
(14:44):
in pageantry everywhere.
Because we have similarexperiences.
We are all putting ourselves outthere to be judged.
We are all putting ourselves outthere to challenge ourselves, to
make a difference in ourcommunities and states and
countries and potentially theworld, if you're, you know,
going for an internationaltitle.
(15:06):
We are all receiving feedbackand criticism from perfect
strangers and from peopleclosest to us.
The expectations are high.
We're navigating a lot of stressin the midst of all of this for
the sake of reaching our goalsand reaching this level of
(15:26):
excellence and uh potentially acrown and an opportunity to do
so much more and receive so muchmore in return in terms of
scholarship and opportunity andnetwork and everything that
comes with the crown.
So this sisterhood buildsbecause we have a mutual
understanding and respect formaybe not complete understanding
(15:51):
of what the other person isgoing through because we're not
walking in their shoes, but arespect and understanding of the
difficulty that comes with doingthis really cool and unique
thing that is putting on yourpageant shoes and competing in a
competition.
And so I think it's incrediblyempowering for us to be seeing
(16:13):
women coming out of the woodworkand voicing their experiences
and standing up for themselvesand stepping down or not showing
up for the crowning of the newtitle holder, like what we just
saw at Miss USA, where theoutgoing Miss USA chose not to
come.
And we're seeing women decidefor themselves that they're not
(16:37):
going to be told to just sitdown, look pretty, and be
grateful anymore, that weactually deserve so much more.
And I'm hoping that this isgoing to produce an incredible
change in the industry.
I think the only way that we cancreate meaningful, ongoing,
(17:00):
long-lasting change where we'renot just all talk in pageants,
that we say that we're here toempower women and provide all
these incredible opportunities,but then behind the scenes
belittle them and dismiss themand break them down, that we
actually can find a way toconnect what we say to the
(17:24):
reality of the experience.
That's how it should be.
And I think the only way that wecan do that is as women coming
out and having conversationsjust like this one, like the one
that I'm having with you rightnow, talking about the reality
behind the scenes, not todissuade you from participating,
but to empower you to know thatyou are worthy of being treated
(17:48):
well, no matter where you are,no matter what space you're in.
That just because you have thisincredible opportunity to wear a
crown and a sash does not meanthat somehow your autonomy is
gone now and you just have to bepretty and say what they want
you to say.
That is not what pageantry wasever supposed to be, from my
(18:09):
perspective.
And I think the future ofpageantry, if we want this to be
a relevant industry, if we wantwomen to participate, if we want
donors to contribute, if we wantpeople to invest in competing
for themselves, then we actuallyhave to walk the walk and not
(18:31):
just talk the talk.
And that's, I guess, where youcome in really is by not being
afraid to speak your mind.
However, I'm gonna go back towhat I said early on.
How do we do this without beingthe asshole?
Because this has been an issuethat I've seen with clients and
with title holders that Ihaven't worked with, but just
(18:52):
kind of see from the outsidelooking in, that something
happens and they speak out, butthey speak out in a way that
sounds disrespectful orunprofessional.
And then all of a sudden,because of the powers that be
(19:12):
and the reputation of MissAmerica, now all of a sudden
they look bad.
And it's pretty easy to turn andblame the person that looks like
an emotional wreck rather thanturning and blaming someone.
It it's gonna be a lot harder toturn and blame someone that is
(19:35):
speaking eloquently and holdsthemselves well under pressure
and brings receipts and isn'tjust bashing someone because
they're angry.
Because that's that's what Ihave seen a lot of that, you
know, title holders speaking outbecause of poor treatment, but
(19:57):
they're speaking out in a waythat really is just bashing
their director, and that's nevergonna come across well.
There are steps to be taken inways that you can take action
that will have much morelong-lasting impact and will
also make you look moreprofessional in the long run as
(20:20):
well.
So to wrap up just this part ofthe conversation, this like
having grace under pressure.
If you are being mistreated andwant to speak up, remember that
your power isn't gonna come fromlike dominating, isn't gonna
come from being really loud andmaking people listen.
(20:43):
It's going to come from a levelof self-control and a level of
planning and mindfulness in yourcommunication and how you handle
yourself will actually result inthe outcome that you want to see
so much more than honestly whatit's gonna look like is throwing
(21:06):
a tantrum if you come at it froma different way.
And I say that with love.
Um been there, done that, butyou do have the opportunity to
control how you respond.
And like I said earlier,sometimes that means taking a
step back, breathing, gettingyour um emotional regulation
(21:29):
back under control, um,centering your nervous system,
grounding yourself, and thenfiguring out where to go and how
to take action from there.
And truthfully, one of the bestthings you could probably do is
to speak to someone that youconsider trustworthy and
consider a problem solver.
My sister and I have been havinga lot of conversations lately
(21:52):
about just stressors that wehave.
And she said that, especiallyrecently, in the last few
months, she's really experiencedsome great conversations with me
in that she'll call me andshe'll she'll vent about things.
And um, I'll listen and validateand relate and all the things.
(22:13):
But the thing that I won't do issit there in it with her and I
won't perpetuate the distress.
And I don't do that with myclients either.
And I have to really practicenot doing that for myself
either.
Because venting can be helpful,but venting for too long or
venting too much is not helpfulbecause what feels better than
(22:35):
just venting is solutions andtaking some kind of action.
Feeling empowered is so muchbetter than venting and having
people tell you that, like,yeah, you're so right, like that
person is crazy.
Like it might feel goodmomentarily, but long term, that
(22:57):
just weighs heavy and nothing'sgonna change from that.
So my sister and I, when we getinto this role where we're like
venting, we've got like bigproblems.
We have been really trying to bethere for each other to
validate, to understand, butthen also find an opportunity
when the momentum starts toshift to calming down,
regulating, and figuring out,okay, where do we go from here?
(23:19):
What do I want out of this?
How can I take action herethat's gonna make this better?
And I want for you to have theexact same thing.
I want you for you to have arelationship with someone,
whether that is a mentor or abest friend or your mom or a
coach or a director, some or atherapist, honestly.
(23:41):
Oh, my therapist.
I had an emergency conversationwith her last week, too, um, so
that she could help me calm andrela regulate and get to a space
where I'm like thinking with mywise mind instead of my overly
emotional, dysregulated mind.
Like, use your resources, iswhat I'm saying.
Like, ask for help, reach out tosomebody.
I want that for you because itis that's emotional maturity.
(24:06):
Emotional maturity isn't likeyou never having a fit or you
never getting, you know,emotionally overwhelmed or angry
or lashing out.
That's like having emotionalintelligence doesn't mean that
you never do those things.
Having emotional intelligencejust means that you're better
able to navigate through bigemotions and you're better able
(24:30):
to navigate where to go fromthere.
Who to ask for help, um, theresources that you might need to
calm yourself down, to get tothe other side of things, to be
solution focused.
That's emotional maturity, andthat's what I think we should
all be working towards.
We're not victims here.
Um maybe we're we can be victimof circumstance, but but you are
(24:56):
not victim because you can takeaction.
At the end of the day, you don'thave to stay the victim, I guess
is what I'm saying.
You may be victim to somebodyberating you or bullying you,
like Miss New Mexico was, butshe didn't act like a victim.
She stood up and took action.
And that is why I'm saying likeI would not label her as a
(25:18):
victim because she is in totalcontrol of her choices and how
she's moving through this.
So that is my message for you ifyou are a title holder.
Again, I want to be very clearthat if you are new to
competing, which I know a lot ofyou are, and I do know this for
(25:39):
a fact because I recently had aconversation with someone that
has been listening for quitesome time, but is, you know,
officially participating intheir first competition here
pretty soon.
So they actually haven't been ona pageant stage yet as a
competitor.
So I know you are all on a wholespectrum of different levels of
experience in this.
And some of you may not even becompetitors.
(26:01):
Maybe you are supporters, ormaybe you are just, you know,
big fans of pageantry.
All of that is great.
But speaking directly to thewomen listening that are
competing, but in the earlystages of competing.
I think it's important for youto have a realistic perspective,
of course, of what you'regetting into.
(26:22):
Um, but I don't want you to gettoo far ahead of yourself
either.
And I think that's a life lessonfor everyone.
But specifically speaking, tothose of you that are new, you
have so much to learn.
And it'll take some time.
You do not learn need to learneverything overnight.
You shouldn't learn everythingovernight.
You should take everything witha grain of salt.
You should listen to my episodesand really just look for okay,
(26:45):
how can I better myself throughthat frame of mind and not not
be scared away from it.
Because at the end of the day,pageantry has given me so much
in my life.
Um I can't even, it's a laundrylist of things that I took away
from pageantry.
(27:06):
And I would never tell someonenot to participate ever, ever,
ever, ever.
Like I said, I had the bestexperiences with my local
directors.
But I know the reality that it'snot always great.
So try to understand the best ofyour ability to know what you're
getting yourself into at thislevel.
If you're competing for a localcompetition, try to best
(27:29):
understand what's expected ofyou as a title holder.
What does the year of serviceactually look like?
Right?
Educate yourself in that way.
If you are getting ready tocompete for a state title, and
this is your third or fourth orfifth time competing, and you
are serious about winning thatcrown and doing the job, try to
(27:49):
learn what that job actuallylooks like.
And you can interview the peoplethat are actually in the job or
have had the job right now.
Or, you know, you can go backand use other resources like I
have the Crowned and Candidseries that I that I put out
there on Sash and Soul lastspring that has like, I don't
know, close to 15 differentstate title holders that are
talking very realistically abouttheir experience as state title
(28:11):
holders.
So you can get a better idea ofwhat that job looks like.
Same thing for a national level,same thing for an international
title.
The best thing that you can dofor yourself is to have a very
realistic perspective on the jobthat you are competing for right
now.
Don't get caught up in the weedsof the complaints of other
people.
I was in a situation when I wasMiss Wisconsin once, and there
(28:35):
was a former title holderbackstage with a bunch of local
title holders that was going offabout her experiences in a
negative, excuse me, in anegative way.
And I pulled her aside andpolitely asked her to tone it
(28:57):
down quite a bit.
Because the women that werecompeting that day didn't need
to be thinking about what theexperience is as Miss Wisconsin.
They needed to be thinking abouthow to best put themselves out
there on stage at this localcompetition and what they want
to accomplish as a local titleholder.
And to not, as my therapistsays, not kick the can too far
(29:18):
down the road.
One thing at a time.
Do not overwhelm yourself withall the things, stay focused.
And she didn't really like thatI said that because she
obviously was like just reallywanting to be honest.
And I said, please, please behonest, always be honest.
I will always be honest.
However, there's a time and aplace.
And so my message for you is ifyou want a realistic
(29:42):
perspective, then sit down withsomeone that can give you a
realistic perspective, ask themkey questions about it so that
you can best understand, andtake things with a grain of salt
because we are all differenthuman beings that handle things
differently.
Something that stresses me outmight not be even close to
stressing you out.
You might think it's thesilliest thing ever, even though
like it bothers me to no end.
(30:02):
And it's the same thing withanyone that holds the title.
Every single woman is adifferent person.
Their experience is going to bedifferent.
And everyone's always learningtoo.
The leadership is alwayslearning, and we hopefully are
always trying to improve basedon the things that we've learned
and the mistakes that we'vemade.
(30:23):
So that's my message to any ofyou that are relatively new,
because I don't want This veryhonest conversation to scare you
away by any means.
Um because for the most part, Iwould say that pageantry is
majority amazing.
(30:44):
And then there are some yuckyplaces too that exist within the
industry.
And I think it's just importantto be aware of those and to be
mindful of how you would handleyourself in those situations.
So that being said, I want toshift gears and talk now
directly to those of you thatare listening that might be
(31:04):
directors or volunteers orowners of pageant systems.
Because I think I I think weshould never be done trying to
improve.
We should never be donelearning.
And I would actually encourageyou to consider doing like an
(31:29):
exit interview with your titleholder that may be handing off
the crown and ask them, youknow, what went well and how can
we improve for the next titleholder?
And be very open-minded to theirfeedback.
That is the best way to improveand the best way to understand
(31:50):
somebody else's perspective isto ask them about it and sit and
listen.
No defensiveness, no projection,no judgment, none of that, but
truly just sitting down andlistening.
Because I know as a coach that Imay have an intention, but the
(32:13):
perception and the experiencethat the other person may have
may be completely different thanwhat I had intended.
I experienced that in mypersonal life and personal
conflict.
That was part of the problem, Ithink, last week with a family
member that I was strugglingwith was that I had an intention
and what I thought I wasprojecting.
And then there was a perceptionand an experience on the other
(32:36):
end of it.
And I think takingaccountability for how we affect
other people and takingaccountability for our setbacks
and our mistakes, or the areaswhere we didn't show up to the
best of our ability, or we dropthe ball, taking accountability
(32:57):
for that and working to improveis the best thing that you can
do for your organization.
If you are truly in this for theright reasons, if you are truly
in this to empower young women,to help them grow, to help them
succeed, to help them live outtheir dreams, to help them make
a difference in their community,then you need to be a lot less
(33:21):
focused on yourself and yourself-preservation and be a lot
more focused on how you can bethe best person to help them
accomplish those things.
That's not to say that youshould let someone be rude to
you either.
Like that is part of your job, Ithink, as a director or, you
(33:44):
know, a mentor or whatever itis, is to help your client learn
how to handle themselves.
Um, but do so in a way thatdoesn't tear them apart or break
them down.
Like there are ways to educate,to teach, to coach that can
still be uplifting andempowering.
(34:07):
Um, we're not the military.
This is not the military.
This is not a like break themdown to nothing and then build
them up to what we want them tobe.
No, this is an outlet for womenof all backgrounds to come out
and be themselves, become moreof who they are, and do
incredible things to theirunique perspectives and passions
(34:30):
and talents and intellect.
And we should just be a vesselto allow them to do that.
And we can always be improvingthere.
I think that that's just marketfeedback at its finest.
And if you treat yourorganization, whether that's
local, state, national, whathave you, as a business, then
(34:52):
you should every single year belooking for opportunities to
improve.
And the best way to do that isby getting market feedback.
And in this case, one of thebest areas of market feedback
would be from your titleholders.
What was their experience?
What could be improved?
Would they be willing to stayand help with any of these
things that they they want tosee improved?
(35:14):
You know, can they volunteertheir time?
Where are you having some gaps?
Can you bring in other people tofill those gaps?
And honestly, to take a take areally like deep breath and ask
yourself, have I been doing thistoo long and maybe it's time for
me to take a step back?
Am I causing more harm thangood?
Like, that's gonna be a reallypainful question for you to hear
(35:37):
from me.
But truly, truly, truly, like,are you doing more harm than
good?
Are you making this about youinstead of about empowering
women?
Uh because sometimes usoutsiders looking in and we see,
(35:58):
you know, what happens in MissUniverse, and we hear about
women stepping down from mentalhealth issues.
And I work with clients thatcall me sobbing because of
something that their directorsaid to them, or I have
conversations with someone brandnew during a consult, and they
tell me about some of the thingsthat previous coaches have said
to them.
Like I am heartbroken, andhonestly, it leads me to a level
(36:20):
of burnout.
I literally sit back and wonder,why do I keep doing this?
I feel like I'm spinning mywheels.
I feel like I'm fightingsomething that I'm never gonna
win.
So please don't be part of theproblem.
Truly.
Like it's okay to say you'veyou've you're burnt out.
(36:42):
It's okay to say you're gonnatake a step back and do a little
bit less volunteering.
Maybe you're not gonna be at adirector level anymore.
Like, don't be a martyr ifyou're causing more pain than
good.
I think that's all I have fortoday.
I think I feel like I forgotabout something, something that
I said I was gonna talk aboutearlier.
(37:04):
Um, but I don't remember.
And honestly, at this point, Ikind of just feel like my heart
has poured out everything thatit needed to for today.
So I guess with that, like takeall of this, like I said, with a
grain of salt.
These are my personal opinionsand my perspective as a coach,
(37:26):
as a former title holder, as aformer judge, as a fan of
pageantry, as a supporter ofpageantry.
Like this is just my uniqueperspective.
And um I think at the end of theday, if we all just show up
trying to do good for others andtrying to live out our morals
(37:46):
and values in the best way thatwe know how, and if we always
show up striving to be betterthan we were yesterday,
learning, developing moreemotional maturity, then I think
we are on the path to thisindustry looking more like what
we say it actually is, ratherthan it being something
(38:06):
different.
Because y'all, that's falseadvertising, and I'm not here
for it.
So, with that, enjoy the MissUniverse finals tonight.
I am gonna enjoy some familytime.
So, unfortunately, I will not bewatching it live, and I'm not
quite sure where or how to watchthe recording.
So I'm just gonna have to watchsome, some uh, some clips of it,
(38:28):
some highlights of itafterwards.
Um, but my mom and stepdad arein town for some holiday
festivities this weekend.
So I'm gonna enjoy that.
You all take care of yourselves.
I will be back, I promise, nextweek with another episode of
Sash and Soul.
Next week, we're gonna focus ongratitude and truly like the
power of gratitude in your lifeevery single day, how it builds
(38:54):
confidence and helps youmaintain that level of humble
confidence in everything thatyou do.
So we're gonna talk about thatnext week.
I feel like obviously, if Ididn't talk about gratitude, the
week of Thanksgiving, like whatam I doing here?
Um, and then moving into nextmonth, um, we're gonna talk a
lot more about reflection onthis past year, um, growing from
(39:18):
that and setting ourselves upfor success in 2026, no matter
what your goals look like forthe new year.
So stay tuned for more, myfriends.
Reach out if you need anything,of course.
Follow on Instagram at Sash andSoul, and I'm on TikTok at
Fearlessly Authentic Coach aswell.
So I will talk with you nextweek.
Stay well, be well, and I'll seeyou then.
(39:42):
Bye.
Hey, what's up you guys?
Welcome back to Sash and Soul.
I am sorry that I've been MIAfor the last couple of weeks.
I just haven't been at my best.
So unfortunately, that justmeant me taking a little bit
more time for myself.
And so I'm really sorry to leaveyou hanging.
But I really try and practicewhat I preach.
(00:49):
So when I look at the thingsthat I need to get done in the
day-to-day and my priorities, Imake sure that I prioritize the
calls that I have with clientsand any consultations that I
have.
But then after that, it's kindof like social media is kind of
the first thing to go.
And then sometimes the podcastunfortunately goes to the back
(01:10):
burner as well.
So I apologize.
I do really like to be hereconsistently with you guys every
week on Fridays with a newepisode for you.
So I apologize that that hasbeen lacking in the last couple
of weeks, but we're back.
And today we are going to talkabout something that's super
timely.
We've got the Miss UniverseFinals going on tonight.
(01:35):
So today I want to kind of justgo off.
I really don't have a script.
I don't really have a any bulletpoint list of things that I want
to cover today.
I just have a lot of thoughtsand feelings about just the
pageant industry in general thatthe controversy within the Miss
Universe organization for thepast few weeks has really been
(01:58):
bringing up for me.
And it's not something I haven'ttalked about before.
There are lots of Sash and Soulepisodes where I share very
openly about my criticism forsome of the practices in the
pageant industry.
And I that's important for me.
I want to keep it real.
I never want to sway someonefrom getting involved, but I do
(02:20):
think it's important that ifyou're serious about succeeding
in pageantry, to know, to have arealistic job expectation for
yourself of what it actuallylooks like to hold the title,
who you're working with.
And one of my biggest goals as acoach is to provide the tools to
help you empower yourself and toprotect yourself because
(02:43):
conflict happens.
Even if you have the bestdirectors ever and it's a super
healthy relationship, conflictcan still happen.
So how do you manage that?
How do you navigate that?
How do you handle yourself whenmaybe your emotions are high?
And what do you do within thatspace?
So that's a lot of what I kindof want to talk about today.
(03:05):
That's what it's bringing up forme.
Cause when I look back at myexperience competing, I was
really, really blessed andprivileged to have some of the
best local directors.
Truly, I held four local titlesin the Miss Merrick
organization.
And the directors orco-directors that I had with
(03:28):
each title poured into me andwere there for me in ways that
some of my family memberscouldn't be.
And I will never forget or yeah,like I'll just there's no way
that I can ever repay them forwhat that meant to me and what
(03:48):
that did for me at that time.
Because when I first startedcompeting, I was 17, I was
struggling with depression.
I was in the throes of griefafter losing my brother to
suicide and still like trying tonavigate the trauma that I
experienced growing up.
And um I was just taken in withopen arms and accept accepted
(04:11):
for who I was and encouraged toput myself out there and uh
praised for success and justcelebrated in ways that that I
had maybe never been celebratedbefore.
Um and that's not to say that Ihad like a terrible upbringing
or anything.
I had supportive parents andeverything as well, but it's
(04:34):
complicated.
And so the the support that Ihad in pageantry early on was
incredible.
And I'm so grateful for it.
When I was Miss Wisconsin,however, as a state title
holder, there was a lot moreconflict at that level.
And I didn't have the samerelationship with the directors
(04:54):
or with the board of directorsthat I had with my local
directors.
So it was kind of a almost likea culture shock for me that I
wasn't quite expecting.
And I learned a lot throughnavigating that, through making
mistakes and through, you know,multiple misunderstandings and
(05:14):
communication that now I use inmy life and with my clients to
help them better understand howto navigate these things without
honestly looking like theasshole.
Excuse my language.
But how do you stand up foryourself when you're dealing
with difficult people withoutlooking like the jerk?
So if we take this back towhat's been happening with Miss
(05:38):
Universe and the controversythat happened a couple of weeks
ago at the sashing ceremonywhere Miss Mexico was berated by
one of the executives and thenchose to walk out and then was
followed by other title holdersthat walked out after her,
including the outgoing MissUniverse 2024.
(06:00):
I think that is a great examplefor us to look at of okay, how
do we, how do we navigatesituations like that?
Because any job that you have,any industry that you're in will
not be perfect.
There will be conflict and therewill be people that are in it
for the wrong reasons, or thattreat people poorly, or that
disrespect you, or that havereally terrible bias, um, biases
(06:24):
that that can be prejudiced andpainful and horrible to undergo.
And in this particularsituation, let's just label it
as bullying because Miss Mexicowas truly bullied in that
situation.
If you have no idea what I'mtalking about, feel free to look
it up.
(06:44):
There's like I saw it was likeevery other TikTok was about the
situation in Thailand a coupleof weeks ago.
So you can find it.
I'm not gonna like go throughall of the nitty-gritty details.
I have it all written out infront of me as if I was going to
just like report the news to youas to what happened, but I'm not
gonna do that.
Um, so but if we look at thatsituation, there's a very clear
(07:08):
lesson that can be learned fromhow Miss Mexico handled herself.
And that is having grace underpressure.
Knowing that in life, we can'talways control what happens to
us or around us, but we do havethe capability to control how we
(07:31):
respond.
One of the problems withcontrolling how we respond is if
we are highly emotional, it'sgonna be really, really
difficult to reasonably expectourselves to respond in the most
appropriate way.
Because when we're highlyemotional, and I'm gonna use the
(07:52):
term dysregulated, when youremotions are dysregulated, when
you have inflicted your fight,flight, or freeze response, we
go into a very primitive spacein our brain and we are no
longer in a very wise state ofmind to be able to respond
(08:14):
respectfully or in ways that inour best state of mind, we would
typically handle ourselves.
That's why I think we get a lotof like outside perspectives
telling us how we should orshouldn't have behaved.
Because yeah, it's easy from anoutside perspective from someone
that isn't in that emotionalfight or flight space to have
like a rational perspective asto how you should have or could
(08:35):
have responded.
But when you're in that space offight, flight, or freeze, it's a
lot harder for you to navigatethe best way to respond.
So we have options though.
If you find yourself in conflictand you are struggling with some
level, any level of emotionaldysregulation, one of the best
(08:56):
things you can do is pause andchoose not to confront it right
then and there.
And that's something that Iactually recently practiced for
myself.
It was about a week ago, andthere was a conflict with a
family member, and I wasincredibly emotional.
(09:17):
I was, I really was just tryingto express how I felt about
something, and it didn't comeacross apparently in the way
that I thought it did.
And they then responded as suchand were clearly upset with me,
and I triggered them in someway, and then I was kind of
(09:37):
being attacked for that, andthen emotions just kind of went
haywire.
And we ended the conversation,and I took hours.
Like I'm still even nowreflecting on it and trying to
navigate and figure out like howI best want to move forward.
We don't always have thatoption, and I understand that.
(10:14):
If you can, on the other side,use some of those skills to get
ahead of that fight, flight, orfreeze response, which can be
really tricky, but it's thingsthat we practice of taking a
deep breath, doing someself-talk, like trying to calm
our nervous system.
That's always step one is like,how can we maintain a level of
(10:36):
calm in the midst of conflict?
How can we maintain our calmnervous system at a healthy
level in the midst of conflictby telling ourselves that we're
safe, we're okay, we can handlethis, we've handled conflict
before, it's going to be okay.
In that space, you can moreappropriately respond to the
(11:00):
conflict.
And I think like watching MissMexico, and I watched her
statement from when she left theroom immediately after, after,
after the um the the conflicthappened with the Thai
executive.
Um when she left and she choseto s to pause and make a
(11:22):
statement.
It was obviously verypassionate, but she managed to
keep her composure.
She found a way to groundherself rather than reacting
emotionally.
And it was so impressive to melistening to her words and what
she had to say, like quotablestatements that she said that I
(11:46):
think we could all take toheart.
And and then going back to likestand up for yourself when you
are being mistreated.
And in the pageant industry,that's that's a difficult thing
to do.
And I'm gonna get to that about,you know, how we're kind of told
to just be grateful for what wehave.
This is an opportunity for us,and that somehow negates the
(12:09):
mistreatment that we mayexperience with that title.
I mean, that was something thatthat was a message that I
certainly received as MissWisconsin, especially, was that
I sounded entitled or ungratefulwhen I was voicing my concerns
or when I was trying to makechanges so that it wasn't as
difficult for the next MissWisconsin.
Um, and we'll dive into thatlater.
(12:30):
But for for Miss Mexico and hercomposure, the way that she was
able to regulate her emotions,even under that stress, shows me
that she's done the work, totruly know who she is, truly
know what that she's worthy andwhere her value lies, and that
(12:54):
no crown is worth her beingtreated that way.
And I think we're seeing that somuch in the pageant industry,
and I'm absolutely here for it.
Especially like if we look atthe last five years, even the
last decade in various differentpageant systems.
(13:14):
Like, look at Miss America andhow we went from, you know, the
original Miss America to 2.0,and all of that was coming out
because of mistreatment of MissAmericas at that level.
And then we were seeing upheavalon the state levels of directors
being basically fired or let gofrom their positions or um
taking licenses away fromdifferent state organizations
(13:38):
because of the way that theywere treating their girls or
running the organization orwhatever it was.
So we saw a lot of that dramagoing underway with the Miss
America organization.
And then, of course, within MissUSA and Miss Universe, we've
been seeing title holders stepdown and being very vocal that
they are stepping down for thesake of their mental health and
they are putting themselvesfirst.
(13:59):
It is to me a movement and it isa force of empowerment for us to
be seeing other women in thatspace do that, to actually step
down.
Because, okay, I think I thinkit would be really hard for
someone that that maybe doesn'tunderstand the experience of a
(14:24):
title holder.
But when you've held a title,when you've competed at a state
or a national level, you developan ongoing bond with these other
women.
And you develop a sisterhood notonly with the women that you
directly compete with, but youdevelop a sisterhood with women
(14:44):
in pageantry everywhere.
Because we have similarexperiences.
We are all putting ourselves outthere to be judged.
We are all putting ourselves outthere to challenge ourselves, to
make a difference in ourcommunities and states and
countries and potentially theworld, if you're, you know,
going for an internationaltitle.
(15:06):
We are all receiving feedbackand criticism from perfect
strangers and from peopleclosest to us.
The expectations are high.
We're navigating a lot of stressin the midst of all of this for
the sake of reaching our goalsand reaching this level of
(15:26):
excellence and uh potentially acrown and an opportunity to do
so much more and receive so muchmore in return in terms of
scholarship and opportunity andnetwork and everything that
comes with the crown.
So this sisterhood buildsbecause we have a mutual
understanding and respect formaybe not complete understanding
(15:51):
of what the other person isgoing through because we're not
walking in their shoes, but arespect and understanding of the
difficulty that comes with doingthis really cool and unique
thing that is putting on yourpageant shoes and competing in a
competition.
And so I think it's incrediblyempowering for us to be seeing
(16:13):
women coming out of the woodworkand voicing their experiences
and standing up for themselvesand stepping down or not showing
up for the crowning of the newtitle holder, like what we just
saw at Miss USA, where theoutgoing Miss USA chose not to
come.
And we're seeing women decidefor themselves that they're not
(16:37):
going to be told to just sitdown, look pretty, and be
grateful anymore, that weactually deserve so much more.
And I'm hoping that this isgoing to produce an incredible
change in the industry.
I think the only way that we cancreate meaningful, ongoing,
(17:00):
long-lasting change where we'renot just all talk in pageants,
that we say that we're here toempower women and provide all
these incredible opportunities,but then behind the scenes
belittle them and dismiss themand break them down, that we
actually can find a way toconnect what we say to the
(17:24):
reality of the experience.
That's how it should be.
And I think the only way that wecan do that is as women coming
out and having conversationsjust like this one, like the one
that I'm having with you rightnow, talking about the reality
behind the scenes, not todissuade you from participating,
but to empower you to know thatyou are worthy of being treated
(17:48):
well, no matter where you are,no matter what space you're in.
That just because you have thisincredible opportunity to wear a
crown and a sash does not meanthat somehow your autonomy is
gone now and you just have to bepretty and say what they want
you to say.
That is not what pageantry wasever supposed to be, from my
(18:09):
perspective.
And I think the future ofpageantry, if we want this to be
a relevant industry, if we wantwomen to participate, if we want
donors to contribute, if we wantpeople to invest in competing
for themselves, then we actuallyhave to walk the walk and not
(18:31):
just talk the talk.
And that's, I guess, where youcome in really is by not being
afraid to speak your mind.
However, I'm gonna go back towhat I said early on.
How do we do this without beingthe asshole?
Because this has been an issuethat I've seen with clients and
with title holders that Ihaven't worked with, but just
(18:52):
kind of see from the outsidelooking in, that something
happens and they speak out, butthey speak out in a way that
sounds disrespectful orunprofessional.
And then all of a sudden,because of the powers that be
(19:12):
and the reputation of MissAmerica, now all of a sudden
they look bad.
And it's pretty easy to turn andblame the person that looks like
an emotional wreck rather thanturning and blaming someone.
It it's gonna be a lot harder toturn and blame someone that is
(19:35):
speaking eloquently and holdsthemselves well under pressure
and brings receipts and isn'tjust bashing someone because
they're angry.
Because that's that's what Ihave seen a lot of that, you
know, title holders speaking outbecause of poor treatment, but
(19:57):
they're speaking out in a waythat really is just bashing
their director, and that's nevergonna come across well.
There are steps to be taken inways that you can take action
that will have much morelong-lasting impact and will
also make you look moreprofessional in the long run as
(20:20):
well.
So to wrap up just this part ofthe conversation, this like
having grace under pressure.
If you are being mistreated andwant to speak up, remember that
your power isn't gonna come fromlike dominating, isn't gonna
come from being really loud andmaking people listen.
(20:43):
It's going to come from a levelof self-control and a level of
planning and mindfulness in yourcommunication and how you handle
yourself will actually result inthe outcome that you want to see
so much more than honestly whatit's gonna look like is throwing
(21:06):
a tantrum if you come at it froma different way.
And I say that with love.
Um been there, done that, butyou do have the opportunity to
control how you respond.
And like I said earlier,sometimes that means taking a
step back, breathing, gettingyour um emotional regulation
(21:29):
back under control, um,centering your nervous system,
grounding yourself, and thenfiguring out where to go and how
to take action from there.
And truthfully, one of the bestthings you could probably do is
to speak to someone that youconsider trustworthy and
consider a problem solver.
My sister and I have been havinga lot of conversations lately
(21:52):
about just stressors that wehave.
And she said that, especiallyrecently, in the last few
months, she's really experiencedsome great conversations with me
in that she'll call me andshe'll she'll vent about things.
And um, I'll listen and validateand relate and all the things.
(22:13):
But the thing that I won't do issit there in it with her and I
won't perpetuate the distress.
And I don't do that with myclients either.
And I have to really practicenot doing that for myself
either.
Because venting can be helpful,but venting for too long or
venting too much is not helpfulbecause what feels better than
(22:35):
just venting is solutions andtaking some kind of action.
Feeling empowered is so muchbetter than venting and having
people tell you that, like,yeah, you're so right, like that
person is crazy.
Like it might feel goodmomentarily, but long term, that
(22:57):
just weighs heavy and nothing'sgonna change from that.
So my sister and I, when we getinto this role where we're like
venting, we've got like bigproblems.
We have been really trying to bethere for each other to
validate, to understand, butthen also find an opportunity
when the momentum starts toshift to calming down,
regulating, and figuring out,okay, where do we go from here?
(23:19):
What do I want out of this?
How can I take action herethat's gonna make this better?
And I want for you to have theexact same thing.
I want you for you to have arelationship with someone,
whether that is a mentor or abest friend or your mom or a
coach or a director, some or atherapist, honestly.
(23:41):
Oh, my therapist.
I had an emergency conversationwith her last week, too, um, so
that she could help me calm andrela regulate and get to a space
where I'm like thinking with mywise mind instead of my overly
emotional, dysregulated mind.
Like, use your resources, iswhat I'm saying.
Like, ask for help, reach out tosomebody.
I want that for you because itis that's emotional maturity.
(24:06):
Emotional maturity isn't likeyou never having a fit or you
never getting, you know,emotionally overwhelmed or angry
or lashing out.
That's like having emotionalintelligence doesn't mean that
you never do those things.
Having emotional intelligencejust means that you're better
able to navigate through bigemotions and you're better able
(24:30):
to navigate where to go fromthere.
Who to ask for help, um, theresources that you might need to
calm yourself down, to get tothe other side of things, to be
solution focused.
That's emotional maturity, andthat's what I think we should
all be working towards.
We're not victims here.
Um maybe we're we can be victimof circumstance, but but you are
(24:56):
not victim because you can takeaction.
At the end of the day, you don'thave to stay the victim, I guess
is what I'm saying.
You may be victim to somebodyberating you or bullying you,
like Miss New Mexico was, butshe didn't act like a victim.
She stood up and took action.
And that is why I'm saying likeI would not label her as a
(25:18):
victim because she is in totalcontrol of her choices and how
she's moving through this.
So that is my message for you ifyou are a title holder.
Again, I want to be very clearthat if you are new to
competing, which I know a lot ofyou are, and I do know this for
(25:39):
a fact because I recently had aconversation with someone that
has been listening for quitesome time, but is, you know,
officially participating intheir first competition here
pretty soon.
So they actually haven't been ona pageant stage yet as a
competitor.
So I know you are all on a wholespectrum of different levels of
experience in this.
And some of you may not even becompetitors.
(26:01):
Maybe you are supporters, ormaybe you are just, you know,
big fans of pageantry.
All of that is great.
But speaking directly to thewomen listening that are
competing, but in the earlystages of competing.
I think it's important for youto have a realistic perspective,
of course, of what you'regetting into.
(26:22):
Um, but I don't want you to gettoo far ahead of yourself
either.
And I think that's a life lessonfor everyone.
But specifically speaking, tothose of you that are new, you
have so much to learn.
And it'll take some time.
You do not learn need to learneverything overnight.
You shouldn't learn everythingovernight.
You should take everything witha grain of salt.
You should listen to my episodesand really just look for okay,
(26:45):
how can I better myself throughthat frame of mind and not not
be scared away from it.
Because at the end of the day,pageantry has given me so much
in my life.
Um I can't even, it's a laundrylist of things that I took away
from pageantry.
(27:06):
And I would never tell someonenot to participate ever, ever,
ever, ever.
Like I said, I had the bestexperiences with my local
directors.
But I know the reality that it'snot always great.
So try to understand the best ofyour ability to know what you're
getting yourself into at thislevel.
If you're competing for a localcompetition, try to best
(27:29):
understand what's expected ofyou as a title holder.
What does the year of serviceactually look like?
Right?
Educate yourself in that way.
If you are getting ready tocompete for a state title, and
this is your third or fourth orfifth time competing, and you
are serious about winning thatcrown and doing the job, try to
(27:49):
learn what that job actuallylooks like.
And you can interview the peoplethat are actually in the job or
have had the job right now.
Or, you know, you can go backand use other resources like I
have the Crowned and Candidseries that I that I put out
there on Sash and Soul lastspring that has like, I don't
know, close to 15 differentstate title holders that are
talking very realistically abouttheir experience as state title
(28:11):
holders.
So you can get a better idea ofwhat that job looks like.
Same thing for a national level,same thing for an international
title.
The best thing that you can dofor yourself is to have a very
realistic perspective on the jobthat you are competing for right
now.
Don't get caught up in the weedsof the complaints of other
people.
I was in a situation when I wasMiss Wisconsin once, and there
(28:35):
was a former title holderbackstage with a bunch of local
title holders that was going offabout her experiences in a
negative, excuse me, in anegative way.
And I pulled her aside andpolitely asked her to tone it
(28:57):
down quite a bit.
Because the women that werecompeting that day didn't need
to be thinking about what theexperience is as Miss Wisconsin.
They needed to be thinking abouthow to best put themselves out
there on stage at this localcompetition and what they want
to accomplish as a local titleholder.
And to not, as my therapistsays, not kick the can too far
(29:18):
down the road.
One thing at a time.
Do not overwhelm yourself withall the things, stay focused.
And she didn't really like thatI said that because she
obviously was like just reallywanting to be honest.
And I said, please, please behonest, always be honest.
I will always be honest.
However, there's a time and aplace.
And so my message for you is ifyou want a realistic
(29:42):
perspective, then sit down withsomeone that can give you a
realistic perspective, ask themkey questions about it so that
you can best understand, andtake things with a grain of salt
because we are all differenthuman beings that handle things
differently.
Something that stresses me outmight not be even close to
stressing you out.
You might think it's thesilliest thing ever, even though
like it bothers me to no end.
(30:02):
And it's the same thing withanyone that holds the title.
Every single woman is adifferent person.
Their experience is going to bedifferent.
And everyone's always learningtoo.
The leadership is alwayslearning, and we hopefully are
always trying to improve basedon the things that we've learned
and the mistakes that we'vemade.
(30:23):
So that's my message to any ofyou that are relatively new,
because I don't want This veryhonest conversation to scare you
away by any means.
Um because for the most part, Iwould say that pageantry is
majority amazing.
(30:44):
And then there are some yuckyplaces too that exist within the
industry.
And I think it's just importantto be aware of those and to be
mindful of how you would handleyourself in those situations.
So that being said, I want toshift gears and talk now
directly to those of you thatare listening that might be
(31:04):
directors or volunteers orowners of pageant systems.
Because I think I I think weshould never be done trying to
improve.
We should never be donelearning.
And I would actually encourageyou to consider doing like an
(31:29):
exit interview with your titleholder that may be handing off
the crown and ask them, youknow, what went well and how can
we improve for the next titleholder?
And be very open-minded to theirfeedback.
That is the best way to improveand the best way to understand
(31:50):
somebody else's perspective isto ask them about it and sit and
listen.
No defensiveness, no projection,no judgment, none of that, but
truly just sitting down andlistening.
Because I know as a coach that Imay have an intention, but the
(32:13):
perception and the experiencethat the other person may have
may be completely different thanwhat I had intended.
I experienced that in mypersonal life and personal
conflict.
That was part of the problem, Ithink, last week with a family
member that I was strugglingwith was that I had an intention
and what I thought I wasprojecting.
And then there was a perceptionand an experience on the other
(32:36):
end of it.
And I think takingaccountability for how we affect
other people and takingaccountability for our setbacks
and our mistakes, or the areaswhere we didn't show up to the
best of our ability, or we dropthe ball, taking accountability
(32:57):
for that and working to improveis the best thing that you can
do for your organization.
If you are truly in this for theright reasons, if you are truly
in this to empower young women,to help them grow, to help them
succeed, to help them live outtheir dreams, to help them make
a difference in their community,then you need to be a lot less
(33:21):
focused on yourself and yourself-preservation and be a lot
more focused on how you can bethe best person to help them
accomplish those things.
That's not to say that youshould let someone be rude to
you either.
Like that is part of your job, Ithink, as a director or, you
(33:44):
know, a mentor or whatever itis, is to help your client learn
how to handle themselves.
Um, but do so in a way thatdoesn't tear them apart or break
them down.
Like there are ways to educate,to teach, to coach that can
still be uplifting andempowering.
(34:07):
Um, we're not the military.
This is not the military.
This is not a like break themdown to nothing and then build
them up to what we want them tobe.
No, this is an outlet for womenof all backgrounds to come out
and be themselves, become moreof who they are, and do
incredible things to theirunique perspectives and passions
(34:30):
and talents and intellect.
And we should just be a vesselto allow them to do that.
And we can always be improvingthere.
I think that that's just marketfeedback at its finest.
And if you treat yourorganization, whether that's
local, state, national, whathave you, as a business, then
(34:52):
you should every single year belooking for opportunities to
improve.
And the best way to do that isby getting market feedback.
And in this case, one of thebest areas of market feedback
would be from your titleholders.
What was their experience?
What could be improved?
Would they be willing to stayand help with any of these
things that they they want tosee improved?
(35:14):
You know, can they volunteertheir time?
Where are you having some gaps?
Can you bring in other people tofill those gaps?
And honestly, to take a take areally like deep breath and ask
yourself, have I been doing thistoo long and maybe it's time for
me to take a step back?
Am I causing more harm thangood?
Like, that's gonna be a reallypainful question for you to hear
(35:37):
from me.
But truly, truly, truly, like,are you doing more harm than
good?
Are you making this about youinstead of about empowering
women?
Uh because sometimes usoutsiders looking in and we see,
(35:58):
you know, what happens in MissUniverse, and we hear about
women stepping down from mentalhealth issues.
And I work with clients thatcall me sobbing because of
something that their directorsaid to them, or I have
conversations with someone brandnew during a consult, and they
tell me about some of the thingsthat previous coaches have said
to them.
Like I am heartbroken, andhonestly, it leads me to a level
(36:20):
of burnout.
I literally sit back and wonder,why do I keep doing this?
I feel like I'm spinning mywheels.
I feel like I'm fightingsomething that I'm never gonna
win.
So please don't be part of theproblem.
Truly.
Like it's okay to say you'veyou've you're burnt out.
(36:42):
It's okay to say you're gonnatake a step back and do a little
bit less volunteering.
Maybe you're not gonna be at adirector level anymore.
Like, don't be a martyr ifyou're causing more pain than
good.
I think that's all I have fortoday.
I think I feel like I forgotabout something, something that
I said I was gonna talk aboutearlier.
(37:04):
Um, but I don't remember.
And honestly, at this point, Ikind of just feel like my heart
has poured out everything thatit needed to for today.
So I guess with that, like takeall of this, like I said, with a
grain of salt.
These are my personal opinionsand my perspective as a coach,
(37:26):
as a former title holder, as aformer judge, as a fan of
pageantry, as a supporter ofpageantry.
Like this is just my uniqueperspective.
And um I think at the end of theday, if we all just show up
trying to do good for others andtrying to live out our morals
(37:46):
and values in the best way thatwe know how, and if we always
show up striving to be betterthan we were yesterday,
learning, developing moreemotional maturity, then I think
we are on the path to thisindustry looking more like what
we say it actually is, ratherthan it being something
(38:06):
different.
Because y'all, that's falseadvertising, and I'm not here
for it.
So, with that, enjoy the MissUniverse finals tonight.
I am gonna enjoy some familytime.
So, unfortunately, I will not bewatching it live, and I'm not
quite sure where or how to watchthe recording.
So I'm just gonna have to watchsome, some uh, some clips of it,
(38:28):
some highlights of itafterwards.
Um, but my mom and stepdad arein town for some holiday
festivities this weekend.
So I'm gonna enjoy that.
You all take care of yourselves.
I will be back, I promise, nextweek with another episode of
Sash and Soul.
Next week, we're gonna focus ongratitude and truly like the
power of gratitude in your lifeevery single day, how it builds
(38:54):
confidence and helps youmaintain that level of humble
confidence in everything thatyou do.
So we're gonna talk about thatnext week.
I feel like obviously, if Ididn't talk about gratitude, the
week of Thanksgiving, like whatam I doing here?
Um, and then moving into nextmonth, um, we're gonna talk a
lot more about reflection onthis past year, um, growing from
(39:18):
that and setting ourselves upfor success in 2026, no matter
what your goals look like forthe new year.
So stay tuned for more, myfriends.
Reach out if you need anything,of course.
Follow on Instagram at Sash andSoul, and I'm on TikTok at
Fearlessly Authentic Coach aswell.
So I will talk with you nextweek.
Stay well, be well, and I'll seeyou then.
(39:42):
Bye.
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