March 31, 2025 • 22 mins
Have you ever wondered what happens when ancient religious texts and hallucinogenic experiences collide? Our latest deep dive into the Book of Revelation might just convince you that John of Patmos was experiencing something far more chemical than divine.
Taking you straight through heaven's door in Chapter 4, we explore John's fantastical descriptions of beings that shine like precious stones, a floor made of glass "like unto crystal," and creatures covered in eyes with faces of lions, calves, men, and eagles. We compare these vivid visions to documented medical cases of hallucinations, including a fascinating 2022 paper describing patients who see "colourful crystal sheens" during altered states of consciousness. The parallels are undeniable and hilarious.
The biblical connections run deep as we trace John's inspiration to earlier prophets like Ezekiel and Isaiah, showing how he borrowed elements from their visions while adding his own psychedelic twist. We dissect the significance of jasper and sardine stones, analyze the mysterious sea of glass (with at least six competing interpretations), and question whether eternal existence spent repeating "Holy, holy, holy" truly represents paradise.
Our irreverent analysis adds yet another theory to what Revelation might actually be – beyond prophecy, coded rebellion literature, xenophobic propaganda, or incel manifesto, we now must consider "hallucination dream journal" as a strong possibility. Whether you're a skeptic, a believer, or somewhere in between, our comedic breakdown offers fresh insights into this ancient text that continues to fascinate and perplex readers across millennia. Listen now, and remember – as we always say at the end – that's why Satan is my superhero.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Satan Is my Superhero.
So cool, so cool.
In this episode, we continuebreaking down the book of
Revelation.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Previously on Satan Is my Superhero.
We've already learned thatauthor John of Patmos claims to
have been visited by the HolyGhost and has taken dictation
from Jesus himself.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
Now, John, I want you to write down everything I say.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Now, John, I want you to write down everything.
I say no, don't write that part.
No, don't write that part.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
We've also had a glimpse into John's
interpersonal relationships withfellow second century
Christians.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I really like what you've done with your hair,
Jezebel.
Oh really yes, it detracts fromwhat a slut you are.
Speaker 5 (00:57):
John of Patmos.
Report to HR immediately.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
But I didn't say slut was a bad thing, but I didn't
say slut was a bad thing.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
In chapter four, our intrepid explorer of the
imagination, John of Patmos,takes us all the way to heaven.
Don't forget to visit the giftshop.
So now let's get straight intoverse one.
John has just taken theChrist's dictation.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
After this, I looked and behold, a door was opened in
heaven, and the first voicewhich I heard was, as it were,
of a trumpet talking with me,which said Come up hither and I
will shew thee things which mustbe hereafter.
I'm sorry but I like my gods tohave a voice of thunder.
(01:43):
Yahweh, that's your voice, atrumpet you could have chosen
all the sounds in the universe.
and you landed on a trumpet,Verse 2.
And immediately I was in thespirit.
And behold, a throne was set inheaven and one sat on the
(02:03):
throne, Do you?
Speaker 1 (02:04):
think, when John says In the spirit, he means yes,
but let's keep reading and findout.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
Verse 3.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a
sardine stone, and there was arainbow round about the throne
in sight, like unto an emeraldJasper and sardine stone, a
rainbow, who was John'sin-the-spirit dealer.
Speaker 6 (02:36):
I'll have what he's having.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
am I right?
Okay, let's break this down.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So first, and he that sat was to look upon like a
jasper and a sardine stone.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
John saw a sardine sitting on a throne.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
That was a dolphin.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Yeah, I couldn't find a sardine sound effect Like
they don't even.
I don't even think they makethem.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
And you thought the vocalisations of a mammal not
sharing a common ancestor withsardines for at least 400
million years was an adequatereplacement?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Well, I did.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Anywho, there wasn't a sardine or a dolphin sitting
on the throne.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
Boo Dolphin hater.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Jasper is a type of quartz.
While it's not specified here,jasper comes in all colours, but
most commonly green.
Speaker 5 (03:21):
Which one?
The olive one looks nice, yeah,but what if the Lord's rocking
one of the green jaspers?
Does it really matter?
Are you kidding me?
Speaker 3 (03:30):
I don't want to wear the wrong skirt and clash with
Yahweh Sardine stone is a redsemi-precious mineral known
these days as carnelian.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Did they call it sardine?
Because back in John's day itwas packed tightly into cans?
Because back in John's day itwas packed tightly into cans.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
No, it was a major export of the city, sardis, so
no sardines were used in themaking of this Bible passage.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
That was a dolphin.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
So, as mentioned so long ago, while in the spirit,
john saw a being that hedescribed as looking like
precious stones, I'm not sayingI have any experience with
hallucinogens and I'm not sayingthat I've known lots of people
with experience of hallucinogens.
But if I did, I would say thisvision of beings that shine like
(04:17):
precious stones is very common.
I call them gem people, or Iwould, if I had ever seen them.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Yes, this particular hallucination is so common.
I googled common hallucinations.
Speaker 7 (04:28):
That would explain why my feed is now filled with
Russian bots trying to sell memushrooms.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Don't fall for it, TTs.
They're a rip-off.
So I've heard Nothing to seehere.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Look away, look away.
The first academic paper I cameacross was published on the
National Library of Medicine'swebsite in 2022.
Two thousand and twenty-twoTwenty-twenty-two Fuck.
The very first case that paperdetails is a 57-year-old man
(05:01):
with a history of type 2diabetes mellitus presented with
sudden-onset onset, fullyformed visual hallucinations.
The paper then goes on todescribe the man's experience.
He described the appearance ofmultiple normal-sized and
proportioned people standing orsitting in the highway median in
(05:21):
the left visual field.
These people were colourful innature but without otherwise
distinct characteristics, andhis distorted visual perceptions
had evolved and nowincorporated other abnormal
visual phenomena of a colourfulcrystal sheen on the walls.
So so, yeah.
(05:41):
So in response to your earlierquestion, yes, I think we know
exactly what John means when hesays he was.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
In the spirit.
John has type 2 diabetesmellitus.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
I mean maybe.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
And now for a sketch directed by our very own TTs.
Speaker 7 (05:57):
Internal Hospital Day Cue ambient, hospital sounds.
Scene opens on the back of anurse as she enters a critical
care unit.
We follow her to a bed occupiedby a patient who has just
experienced a near-deathexperience NDE.
For those of us in the know,the patient speaks I went to
(06:19):
heaven and met Jesus.
Speaker 5 (06:21):
Did you?
Next time you see the Christ,could you ask him about your
insulin levels?
Because while your spirit wasin paradise, your body was
jerking around on the floor,swallowing your tongue and
shitting itself.
Speaker 7 (06:32):
Fade out ambient hospital sounds.
End scene.
How did I do?
Speaker 1 (06:38):
I have notes.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Okay, now back to Revelation.
Also of note here is the choiceof jasper and sardine stones.
These two stones show up in theOld Testament.
They are the first and the lastof the twelve stones to be worn
on the high priest'sbreastplate, as per the
ridiculous instructions on howYahweh is to be worshipped in
(06:59):
the book of Exodus.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
Excuse me, moses, will Yahweh really turn us all
to ash if the first layer ofcurtains in the tabernacle isn't
exactly 10 curtains each 8 and20 cubits long by 4 cubits wide,
of fine twined, blue, purpleand scarlet linen inlaid with
cherubims?
Or is it just that yourbrother-in-law had exactly 10
(07:23):
curtains, each eight and twentycubits by four cubits wide, of
fine twined, blue, purple andscarlet linen inlaid with
cherubims in stock at his shop?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Did you hear that trumpet?
No, I think Yahweh is callingme Coming Lord.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
No, I think Yahweh is calling me.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Coming Lord.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
And finally, pulling apart, verse 3 gives us and
there was a rainbow round aboutthe throne in sight, like unto
an emerald.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
The rainbow could be taken to represent the rainbow
placed in the sky after theflood to remind Yahweh.
He promised not to wipe outhumanity with a flood again.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
That was Yahweh's post-it note.
Speaker 6 (08:09):
No, Yahweh.
The rainbow means don't wipeout all the humans, Don't kill
everyone.
Remember, I know, but youpromised.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Yeah, but you'll be breaking a promise to yourself
and you don't want to be thatdude, do you?
Most apologists I read agreethat the rainbow is
multi-colored, as one wouldexpect a rainbow to be, but
green is the dominant color see,this is exactly what I was
talking about.
Speaker 5 (08:46):
The olive one looks nice.
You said, Does it really matter?
You said yes, it fuckingmattered.
Now I look like an idiot infront of Yahweh.
Fuck you.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Verse 4.
And round about the throne werefour and twenty seats, and upon
the seats I saw four and twentyelders sitting clothed in white
raiment, and they had on theirheads crowns of gold.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
You might be surprised to learn.
There are many theories aboutwho these 24 elders are.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Many disagree.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
These 24 elders might be the ones handpicked by King
David back in the day.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
Eeny meeny, miny moe.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
In First Chronicles we are fed a story of David
drawing lots to decide the orderin which 24 priests from two
prominent families would serveat the temple.
Speaker 4 (09:42):
Okay, first lie is Jehorib.
Sorry, bruh, looks like you'recleaning the toilets on
Thursdays.
Speaker 6 (09:49):
Oh man, I hate it when we draw lots.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
Hey totes, for real, my guy Hate the game, not the
player.
Fuck you, David.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Verse 5.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
And out of the throne preceded lightnings and
thunderings and voices, andthere were seven lamps of fire
burning before the throne, whichare the seven spirits of God.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
All right lightnings and thunderings and voices.
This is the Yahweh I know andlove Go away trumpet.
Speaker 6 (10:25):
No one wants you here .
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Now these Seven lamps of fire burning before the
throne are reminiscent of theseven candlesticks from chapters
one and two in this very book,but it's more likely John is
referencing Exodus once again,where Moses was given very
explicit instructions fromYahweh on how Yahweh ought best
be worshipped.
He mentioned seven veryspecific and elaborate lamps.
Speaker 5 (10:54):
Excuse me, Moses, Don't you think it's weird that
Yahweh specifically asks forpure gold lamps beaten into the
shape of an almond tree withtrunk, branches, flowers and
buds, and your cousin justhappens to exclusively make pure
gold lamps beaten into theshape of an almond tree with
trunk, branches, flowers andbuds?
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Did you hear that trumpet?
No, I think Yahweh is callingme Coming Lord.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
Verse 6.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
And before the throne there was a sea of glass like
unto crystal, and in the midstof the throne and round about
the throne were four beasts fullof eyes, before and behind.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
Ew, I can see my own butthole.
I can see my own butthole.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
We'll get to the eyes , but first and before the
throne there was a sea of glasslike unto crystal.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Later on in this madness, sea of glass will be
mentioned again.
Those who do not follow theAntichrist in the end times will
get to stand on the sea ofglass.
Speaker 5 (12:06):
So this is the reward for denying temptation.
Standing on glass, I feel a bitripped off.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
I think the sea of glass is pretty simply heaven's
floor.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Is Bob Dylan knocking on it?
Speaker 3 (12:18):
What?
No?
Anyway, my heaven's floortheory is just one of the many,
many explanations for what thesea of glass might be.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
I'm very surprised You've found division among
Christians.
Speaker 3 (12:30):
Here are just the first six expert explanations
I've found.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
It's time for a list.
Oh yeah, it's that list.
Time Screwed you up, yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
One.
This sea represents a sea ofpeople, the whole human race.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Gross.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Two, the blood of Christ.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Why would it be that?
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Three, the wading pool in the OG tabernacle.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Wouldn't it be the other way around?
The wading pool in the OGtabernacle would be the
representation of the sea, ofyou know what, you know what.
Forget about it.
I'm getting drawn into thismadness.
Carry on with your list.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
Four, a medium for all entering heaven to be
baptised.
That's kind of the waiting poolagain.
But whatever Five, the earth'satmosphere, signifying heaven,
sits directly on top of ourworld, which is pretty much my
heaven's floor theory.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Where we can upskirt the angels.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
And six.
It's a metaphor.
Just like the sea under Yahwehexist many mysterious things.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Like dolphins and their very, very close cousins
sardines.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
The list goes on and on.
Speaker 7 (13:37):
Trust me, the list gets dumber.
I had to limit her to six.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
There is one more.
Speaker 7 (13:43):
I failed.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
My favourite was that it is the looking glass through
which Yahweh looks down on theworld.
Speaker 4 (13:49):
And that's why I always masturbate under the
blanket.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Perhaps John just imagined a really well polished
floor, and not that I know fromexperience.
But a polished floor can have apowerful effect on you when
you're tripping balls flaw canhave a powerful effect on you
when you're tripping balls.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
Oh wow, I can see myself in the floor.
It's like I'm looking straightinto my own soul.
I can see everything, like thattime I kissed michael
buckingham's ex on the swings.
I don't think she was even thatinto it.
I'm such a shit person allright.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
In verse seven we get to hear more about these four
beasts.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
And the first beast was like a lion, and the second
beast like a calf, and the thirdbeast had a face as a man and
the fourth beast was like aflying eagle.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
All right, this is what I'm here for.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
These four beasts sound a lot like the ones found
in Ezekiel, except Ezekiel'swere more human-like in their
main body.
Ezekiel calls them livingcreatures.
They have four wings and calffeet that shine like burnished
bronze.
Can I just say, darling, I lovethe wings.
The wings are hot, the wingsare sexy.
(15:03):
The wings are sexy.
The wings are now the littlecalf feet.
What are you going for there?
According to Ezekiel, each ofthese winged living creatures,
according to Ezekiel, each ofthese winged living creatures
had four faces.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
As for the likeness of their faces, they four had
the face of a man and the faceof a lion on the right side, and
they four had the face of an oxon the left side.
They four also had the face ofan ox on the left side.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
They four also had the face of an eagle.
So John has taken Ezekiel'slion, ox man and eagle faces and
spread them over four differentbeasts.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
I feel like that would make relationships easier.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Don't you turn your cow face on me?
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Uh moo.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
Ezekiel also talks about each of his four living
creatures being accompanied by awheel-shaped creature covered
in eyes.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
I'm sorry what.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Yes, a wheel filled with multiple wheels.
The rims of each of thesemultiple wheels is covered in
eyeballs.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
These are the moments when you think Maybe this book
isn't made up, because who wouldmake this up?
Speaker 4 (16:28):
Probably someone who's in the spirit.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
These eye-covered wheels move with the four living
creatures.
And Ezekiel says move with thefour living creatures.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
And Ezekiel says the spirit of the living creature
was in the wheels.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
I've known dudes like that oh love car.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
John simplified Ezekiel's creature design by
losing the wheel andincorporating the eyes into the
four beasts themselves.
Ew, I can see my own butthole.
I can see my own butthole.
Side note, there are also fourbeasts mentioned in Daniel and
Daniel is certainly an influenceon John but those four beasts-
are just not quite the same.
Speaker 6 (17:16):
Suck it, daniel, your beasts suck.
I said suck twice.
I just feel like that couldhave been composed better Is
this a fast draft.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Verse eight and the four beasts had, each of them,
six wings about them and theywere full of eyes within, and
they rest not day and nightsaying Holy, holy, holy Lord,
God Almighty, which was and isand is to come.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
So Ezekiel's living creatures only had four wings,
but in another book from the OldTestament, the seraphim
described by Isaiah have sixwings and buzz around the head
of Yahweh, screeching.
Speaker 6 (17:54):
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
The whole world is filled with glory, which is
pretty much exactly what John ofPatmos just said.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
An eternity of six winged monsters buzzing around
your head, chanting the samething over and over.
Of course, that's how Yahwehspends eternity.
Speaker 6 (18:11):
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts.
The whole world is full of hisglory.
Do you think we can?
Speaker 5 (18:18):
stop now.
Would you like to be turnedinto a pile of ash Holy holy,
holy is the Lord of hosts.
Speaker 6 (18:24):
The whole earth is full of his glory.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
I feel confident making the case.
John's four beasts are acombination of Ezekiel's living
creatures and Isaiah's seraphim.
But just to be aware, as always, Many disagree.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
It's definitely not the obvious and simple thing.
It's actually very obscure andI couldn't possibly explain it
to you.
It's definitely not the obviousand simple thing.
Speaker 5 (18:47):
It's actually very obscure and I couldn't possibly
explain it to you.
It's too complicated.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Is it though?
Yeah, verse 9.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
And when those beasts give glory and honour and
thanks to him that sat on thethrone, who liveth forever and
ever.
Speaker 6 (19:04):
Heaven sounds fun.
Thank you, yahweh, for creatingus to exist forever in this
place Praising you over and overevery moment of every day,
forever and ever.
We totally don't wish for thesweet relief of oblivion, every
single moment of every singleday.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Verses 10 and 11.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
The four and twenty elders fall down before him that
sat on the throne, and worshiphim that liveth forever and ever
, and cast their crowns beforethe throne, saying thou art
worthy, oh lord, to receiveglory and honor and power, for
(19:42):
thou hast created all things Iknow you mentioned it earlier,
but there was way too much otherstuff going on.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
What are priests doing wearing crowns?
Speaker 3 (19:56):
The priestly class wear crowns in the Bible.
When else can they larp it up,if not in their own book?
If I wrote a book about my madeup bullshit, I would have a
crown too.
Speaker 6 (20:06):
Holy, holy holy Lord Alexei, which was, and is and is
to come.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
You don't have to worship us forever.
A simple five star rating willdo.
I mean, maybe a bit ofworshipping would be nice, but
we'll just take the rating fornow Five stars.
Did I mention that?
Five stars?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
What can we take away from Chapter 4 of the Book of
Revelation?
From the start, we've beentracking three main theories as
to what this madness is.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
Prophecy, coded rebellion literature or
xenophobic propaganda.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
In our last chapter we uncovered evidence to suggest
it might also be an incelmanifesto.
Speaker 6 (20:50):
It's called X now.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
I think we have to add yet another option to the
list.
Hallucination Dream Journal.
Speaker 5 (20:59):
But it wasn't a dream .
It was a place and you and you,and you and you were there.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Yeah, and the people who believe this nonsense are in
charge of nuclear weapons?
Surely this is the dream.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Let's close our eyes, click our heels together three
times and repeat after Dorothy.
Speaker 5 (21:21):
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Nope, still here, and that's why Satan is my
superhero.
Thank you so much for listeningRate review.
Subscribe all that podcaststuff, but most of all, please
give us money.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Go to patreoncom Forward slash Satan is my
superhero.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
If you join our Patreon at the third circle of
hell, you'll receive access toexclusive Content like this so
we're doing Part four of thebook of revelations With the
bible, the book of Revelations.
Speaker 6 (22:03):
Sure, sure, sure.
The book of revelations was abible.
The book of revelations, sure,sure, sure, sure, sure.
Oh my god, just say the crystalgems from Steven Universe.
There's no need for all ofthese fancy words.
Speaker 5 (22:17):
I can't make this without me I can't.
There are only two genders beerand livery.
Speaker 6 (22:30):
It's the first openly gay president.
Speaker 5 (22:37):
I'm all credits.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
I'm a check please.
Speaker 6 (22:53):
Oh God, let's cut all that, cut, cut, cut the last 10
minutes from your memory, maybethe real superhero or the satan
we made along the way.
Welcome to Satan Is my Superhero.
So cool, so cool.
In this episode, we continuebreaking down the book of
Revelation.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Previously on Satan Is my Superhero.
We've already learned thatauthor John of Patmos claims to
have been visited by the HolyGhost and has taken dictation
from Jesus himself.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
Now, John, I want you to write down everything I say.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Now, John, I want you to write down everything.
I say no, don't write that part.
No, don't write that part.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
We've also had a glimpse into John's
interpersonal relationships withfellow second century
Christians.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
I really like what you've done with your hair,
Jezebel.
Oh really yes, it detracts fromwhat a slut you are.
Speaker 5 (00:57):
John of Patmos.
Report to HR immediately.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
But I didn't say slut was a bad thing, but I didn't
say slut was a bad thing.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
In chapter four, our intrepid explorer of the
imagination, John of Patmos,takes us all the way to heaven.
Don't forget to visit the giftshop.
So now let's get straight intoverse one.
John has just taken theChrist's dictation.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
After this, I looked and behold, a door was opened in
heaven, and the first voicewhich I heard was, as it were,
of a trumpet talking with me,which said Come up hither and I
will shew thee things which mustbe hereafter.
I'm sorry but I like my gods tohave a voice of thunder.
(01:43):
Yahweh, that's your voice, atrumpet you could have chosen
all the sounds in the universe.
and you landed on a trumpet,Verse 2.
And immediately I was in thespirit.
And behold, a throne was set inheaven and one sat on the
(02:03):
throne, Do you?
Speaker 1 (02:04):
think, when John says In the spirit, he means yes,
but let's keep reading and findout.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
Verse 3.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a
sardine stone, and there was arainbow round about the throne
in sight, like unto an emeraldJasper and sardine stone, a
rainbow, who was John'sin-the-spirit dealer.
Speaker 6 (02:36):
I'll have what he's having.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
am I right?
Okay, let's break this down.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So first, and he that sat was to look upon like a
jasper and a sardine stone.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
John saw a sardine sitting on a throne.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
That was a dolphin.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Yeah, I couldn't find a sardine sound effect Like
they don't even.
I don't even think they makethem.
Speaker 3 (02:57):
And you thought the vocalisations of a mammal not
sharing a common ancestor withsardines for at least 400
million years was an adequatereplacement?
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Well, I did.
Speaker 3 (03:08):
Anywho, there wasn't a sardine or a dolphin sitting
on the throne.
Speaker 4 (03:11):
Boo Dolphin hater.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Jasper is a type of quartz.
While it's not specified here,jasper comes in all colours, but
most commonly green.
Speaker 5 (03:21):
Which one?
The olive one looks nice, yeah,but what if the Lord's rocking
one of the green jaspers?
Does it really matter?
Are you kidding me?
Speaker 3 (03:30):
I don't want to wear the wrong skirt and clash with
Yahweh Sardine stone is a redsemi-precious mineral known
these days as carnelian.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Did they call it sardine?
Because back in John's day itwas packed tightly into cans?
Because back in John's day itwas packed tightly into cans.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
No, it was a major export of the city, sardis, so
no sardines were used in themaking of this Bible passage.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
That was a dolphin.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
So, as mentioned so long ago, while in the spirit,
john saw a being that hedescribed as looking like
precious stones, I'm not sayingI have any experience with
hallucinogens and I'm not sayingthat I've known lots of people
with experience of hallucinogens.
But if I did, I would say thisvision of beings that shine like
(04:17):
precious stones is very common.
I call them gem people, or Iwould, if I had ever seen them.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Yes, this particular hallucination is so common.
I googled common hallucinations.
Speaker 7 (04:28):
That would explain why my feed is now filled with
Russian bots trying to sell memushrooms.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Don't fall for it, TTs.
They're a rip-off.
So I've heard Nothing to seehere.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Look away, look away.
The first academic paper I cameacross was published on the
National Library of Medicine'swebsite in 2022.
Two thousand and twenty-twoTwenty-twenty-two Fuck.
The very first case that paperdetails is a 57-year-old man
(05:01):
with a history of type 2diabetes mellitus presented with
sudden-onset onset, fullyformed visual hallucinations.
The paper then goes on todescribe the man's experience.
He described the appearance ofmultiple normal-sized and
proportioned people standing orsitting in the highway median in
(05:21):
the left visual field.
These people were colourful innature but without otherwise
distinct characteristics, andhis distorted visual perceptions
had evolved and nowincorporated other abnormal
visual phenomena of a colourfulcrystal sheen on the walls.
So so, yeah.
(05:41):
So in response to your earlierquestion, yes, I think we know
exactly what John means when hesays he was.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
In the spirit.
John has type 2 diabetesmellitus.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
I mean maybe.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
And now for a sketch directed by our very own TTs.
Speaker 7 (05:57):
Internal Hospital Day Cue ambient, hospital sounds.
Scene opens on the back of anurse as she enters a critical
care unit.
We follow her to a bed occupiedby a patient who has just
experienced a near-deathexperience NDE.
For those of us in the know,the patient speaks I went to
(06:19):
heaven and met Jesus.
Speaker 5 (06:21):
Did you?
Next time you see the Christ,could you ask him about your
insulin levels?
Because while your spirit wasin paradise, your body was
jerking around on the floor,swallowing your tongue and
shitting itself.
Speaker 7 (06:32):
Fade out ambient hospital sounds.
End scene.
How did I do?
Speaker 1 (06:38):
I have notes.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Okay, now back to Revelation.
Also of note here is the choiceof jasper and sardine stones.
These two stones show up in theOld Testament.
They are the first and the lastof the twelve stones to be worn
on the high priest'sbreastplate, as per the
ridiculous instructions on howYahweh is to be worshipped in
(06:59):
the book of Exodus.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
Excuse me, moses, will Yahweh really turn us all
to ash if the first layer ofcurtains in the tabernacle isn't
exactly 10 curtains each 8 and20 cubits long by 4 cubits wide,
of fine twined, blue, purpleand scarlet linen inlaid with
cherubims?
Or is it just that yourbrother-in-law had exactly 10
(07:23):
curtains, each eight and twentycubits by four cubits wide, of
fine twined, blue, purple andscarlet linen inlaid with
cherubims in stock at his shop?
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Did you hear that trumpet?
No, I think Yahweh is callingme Coming Lord.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
No, I think Yahweh is calling me.
Speaker 3 (07:48):
Coming Lord.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
And finally, pulling apart, verse 3 gives us and
there was a rainbow round aboutthe throne in sight, like unto
an emerald.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
The rainbow could be taken to represent the rainbow
placed in the sky after theflood to remind Yahweh.
He promised not to wipe outhumanity with a flood again.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
That was Yahweh's post-it note.
Speaker 6 (08:09):
No, Yahweh.
The rainbow means don't wipeout all the humans, Don't kill
everyone.
Remember, I know, but youpromised.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Yeah, but you'll be breaking a promise to yourself
and you don't want to be thatdude, do you?
Most apologists I read agreethat the rainbow is
multi-colored, as one wouldexpect a rainbow to be, but
green is the dominant color see,this is exactly what I was
talking about.
Speaker 5 (08:46):
The olive one looks nice.
You said, Does it really matter?
You said yes, it fuckingmattered.
Now I look like an idiot infront of Yahweh.
Fuck you.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Verse 4.
And round about the throne werefour and twenty seats, and upon
the seats I saw four and twentyelders sitting clothed in white
raiment, and they had on theirheads crowns of gold.
Speaker 3 (09:09):
You might be surprised to learn.
There are many theories aboutwho these 24 elders are.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Many disagree.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
These 24 elders might be the ones handpicked by King
David back in the day.
Speaker 4 (09:25):
Eeny meeny, miny moe.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
In First Chronicles we are fed a story of David
drawing lots to decide the orderin which 24 priests from two
prominent families would serveat the temple.
Speaker 4 (09:42):
Okay, first lie is Jehorib.
Sorry, bruh, looks like you'recleaning the toilets on
Thursdays.
Speaker 6 (09:49):
Oh man, I hate it when we draw lots.
Speaker 4 (09:52):
Hey totes, for real, my guy Hate the game, not the
player.
Fuck you, David.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Verse 5.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
And out of the throne preceded lightnings and
thunderings and voices, andthere were seven lamps of fire
burning before the throne, whichare the seven spirits of God.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
All right lightnings and thunderings and voices.
This is the Yahweh I know andlove Go away trumpet.
Speaker 6 (10:25):
No one wants you here .
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Now these Seven lamps of fire burning before the
throne are reminiscent of theseven candlesticks from chapters
one and two in this very book,but it's more likely John is
referencing Exodus once again,where Moses was given very
explicit instructions fromYahweh on how Yahweh ought best
be worshipped.
He mentioned seven veryspecific and elaborate lamps.
Speaker 5 (10:54):
Excuse me, Moses, Don't you think it's weird that
Yahweh specifically asks forpure gold lamps beaten into the
shape of an almond tree withtrunk, branches, flowers and
buds, and your cousin justhappens to exclusively make pure
gold lamps beaten into theshape of an almond tree with
trunk, branches, flowers andbuds?
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Did you hear that trumpet?
No, I think Yahweh is callingme Coming Lord.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
Verse 6.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
And before the throne there was a sea of glass like
unto crystal, and in the midstof the throne and round about
the throne were four beasts fullof eyes, before and behind.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
Ew, I can see my own butthole.
I can see my own butthole.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
We'll get to the eyes , but first and before the
throne there was a sea of glasslike unto crystal.
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Later on in this madness, sea of glass will be
mentioned again.
Those who do not follow theAntichrist in the end times will
get to stand on the sea ofglass.
Speaker 5 (12:06):
So this is the reward for denying temptation.
Standing on glass, I feel a bitripped off.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
I think the sea of glass is pretty simply heaven's
floor.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Is Bob Dylan knocking on it?
Speaker 3 (12:18):
What?
No?
Anyway, my heaven's floortheory is just one of the many,
many explanations for what thesea of glass might be.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
I'm very surprised You've found division among
Christians.
Speaker 3 (12:30):
Here are just the first six expert explanations
I've found.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
It's time for a list.
Oh yeah, it's that list.
Time Screwed you up, yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
One.
This sea represents a sea ofpeople, the whole human race.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Gross.
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Two, the blood of Christ.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Why would it be that?
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Three, the wading pool in the OG tabernacle.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Wouldn't it be the other way around?
The wading pool in the OGtabernacle would be the
representation of the sea, ofyou know what, you know what.
Forget about it.
I'm getting drawn into thismadness.
Carry on with your list.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
Four, a medium for all entering heaven to be
baptised.
That's kind of the waiting poolagain.
But whatever Five, the earth'satmosphere, signifying heaven,
sits directly on top of ourworld, which is pretty much my
heaven's floor theory.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Where we can upskirt the angels.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
And six.
It's a metaphor.
Just like the sea under Yahwehexist many mysterious things.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Like dolphins and their very, very close cousins
sardines.
Speaker 3 (13:35):
The list goes on and on.
Speaker 7 (13:37):
Trust me, the list gets dumber.
I had to limit her to six.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
There is one more.
Speaker 7 (13:43):
I failed.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
My favourite was that it is the looking glass through
which Yahweh looks down on theworld.
Speaker 4 (13:49):
And that's why I always masturbate under the
blanket.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Perhaps John just imagined a really well polished
floor, and not that I know fromexperience.
But a polished floor can have apowerful effect on you when
you're tripping balls flaw canhave a powerful effect on you
when you're tripping balls.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
Oh wow, I can see myself in the floor.
It's like I'm looking straightinto my own soul.
I can see everything, like thattime I kissed michael
buckingham's ex on the swings.
I don't think she was even thatinto it.
I'm such a shit person allright.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
In verse seven we get to hear more about these four
beasts.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
And the first beast was like a lion, and the second
beast like a calf, and the thirdbeast had a face as a man and
the fourth beast was like aflying eagle.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
All right, this is what I'm here for.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
These four beasts sound a lot like the ones found
in Ezekiel, except Ezekiel'swere more human-like in their
main body.
Ezekiel calls them livingcreatures.
They have four wings and calffeet that shine like burnished
bronze.
Can I just say, darling, I lovethe wings.
The wings are hot, the wingsare sexy.
(15:03):
The wings are sexy.
The wings are now the littlecalf feet.
What are you going for there?
According to Ezekiel, each ofthese winged living creatures,
according to Ezekiel, each ofthese winged living creatures
had four faces.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
As for the likeness of their faces, they four had
the face of a man and the faceof a lion on the right side, and
they four had the face of an oxon the left side.
They four also had the face ofan ox on the left side.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
They four also had the face of an eagle.
So John has taken Ezekiel'slion, ox man and eagle faces and
spread them over four differentbeasts.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
I feel like that would make relationships easier.
Speaker 3 (15:59):
Don't you turn your cow face on me?
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Uh moo.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
Ezekiel also talks about each of his four living
creatures being accompanied by awheel-shaped creature covered
in eyes.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
I'm sorry what.
Speaker 3 (16:13):
Yes, a wheel filled with multiple wheels.
The rims of each of thesemultiple wheels is covered in
eyeballs.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
These are the moments when you think Maybe this book
isn't made up, because who wouldmake this up?
Speaker 4 (16:28):
Probably someone who's in the spirit.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
These eye-covered wheels move with the four living
creatures.
And Ezekiel says move with thefour living creatures.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
And Ezekiel says the spirit of the living creature
was in the wheels.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
I've known dudes like that oh love car.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
John simplified Ezekiel's creature design by
losing the wheel andincorporating the eyes into the
four beasts themselves.
Ew, I can see my own butthole.
I can see my own butthole.
Side note, there are also fourbeasts mentioned in Daniel and
Daniel is certainly an influenceon John but those four beasts-
are just not quite the same.
Speaker 6 (17:16):
Suck it, daniel, your beasts suck.
I said suck twice.
I just feel like that couldhave been composed better Is
this a fast draft.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Verse eight and the four beasts had, each of them,
six wings about them and theywere full of eyes within, and
they rest not day and nightsaying Holy, holy, holy Lord,
God Almighty, which was and isand is to come.
Speaker 3 (17:41):
So Ezekiel's living creatures only had four wings,
but in another book from the OldTestament, the seraphim
described by Isaiah have sixwings and buzz around the head
of Yahweh, screeching.
Speaker 6 (17:54):
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
The whole world is filled with glory, which is
pretty much exactly what John ofPatmos just said.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
An eternity of six winged monsters buzzing around
your head, chanting the samething over and over.
Of course, that's how Yahwehspends eternity.
Speaker 6 (18:11):
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts.
The whole world is full of hisglory.
Do you think we can?
Speaker 5 (18:18):
stop now.
Would you like to be turnedinto a pile of ash Holy holy,
holy is the Lord of hosts.
Speaker 6 (18:24):
The whole earth is full of his glory.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
I feel confident making the case.
John's four beasts are acombination of Ezekiel's living
creatures and Isaiah's seraphim.
But just to be aware, as always, Many disagree.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
It's definitely not the obvious and simple thing.
It's actually very obscure andI couldn't possibly explain it
to you.
It's definitely not the obviousand simple thing.
Speaker 5 (18:47):
It's actually very obscure and I couldn't possibly
explain it to you.
It's too complicated.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Is it though?
Yeah, verse 9.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
And when those beasts give glory and honour and
thanks to him that sat on thethrone, who liveth forever and
ever.
Speaker 6 (19:04):
Heaven sounds fun.
Thank you, yahweh, for creatingus to exist forever in this
place Praising you over and overevery moment of every day,
forever and ever.
We totally don't wish for thesweet relief of oblivion, every
single moment of every singleday.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Verses 10 and 11.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
The four and twenty elders fall down before him that
sat on the throne, and worshiphim that liveth forever and ever
, and cast their crowns beforethe throne, saying thou art
worthy, oh lord, to receiveglory and honor and power, for
(19:42):
thou hast created all things Iknow you mentioned it earlier,
but there was way too much otherstuff going on.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
What are priests doing wearing crowns?
Speaker 3 (19:56):
The priestly class wear crowns in the Bible.
When else can they larp it up,if not in their own book?
If I wrote a book about my madeup bullshit, I would have a
crown too.
Speaker 6 (20:06):
Holy, holy holy Lord Alexei, which was, and is and is
to come.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
You don't have to worship us forever.
A simple five star rating willdo.
I mean, maybe a bit ofworshipping would be nice, but
we'll just take the rating fornow Five stars.
Did I mention that?
Five stars?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
What can we take away from Chapter 4 of the Book of
Revelation?
From the start, we've beentracking three main theories as
to what this madness is.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
Prophecy, coded rebellion literature or
xenophobic propaganda.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
In our last chapter we uncovered evidence to suggest
it might also be an incelmanifesto.
Speaker 6 (20:50):
It's called X now.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
I think we have to add yet another option to the
list.
Hallucination Dream Journal.
Speaker 5 (20:59):
But it wasn't a dream .
It was a place and you and you,and you and you were there.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Yeah, and the people who believe this nonsense are in
charge of nuclear weapons?
Surely this is the dream.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
Let's close our eyes, click our heels together three
times and repeat after Dorothy.
Speaker 5 (21:21):
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Nope, still here, and that's why Satan is my
superhero.
Thank you so much for listeningRate review.
Subscribe all that podcaststuff, but most of all, please
give us money.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Go to patreoncom Forward slash Satan is my
superhero.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
If you join our Patreon at the third circle of
hell, you'll receive access toexclusive Content like this so
we're doing Part four of thebook of revelations With the
bible, the book of Revelations.
Speaker 6 (22:03):
Sure, sure, sure.
The book of revelations was abible.
The book of revelations, sure,sure, sure, sure, sure.
Oh my god, just say the crystalgems from Steven Universe.
There's no need for all ofthese fancy words.
Speaker 5 (22:17):
I can't make this without me I can't.
There are only two genders beerand livery.
Speaker 6 (22:30):
It's the first openly gay president.
Speaker 5 (22:37):
I'm all credits.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
I'm a check please.
Speaker 6 (22:53):
Oh God, let's cut all that, cut, cut, cut the last 10
minutes from your memory, maybethe real superhero or the satan
we made along the way.
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