Schizophrenia and the Temptation Of Solitude

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The struggle between solitude and connection can be a profound one, especially when navigating life with paranoid schizophrenia. Join me, Diana Dirkby, as I share the allure of solitude before finding the love and support of my caregiver spouse, and how it continues to shape my journey through the challenges of absence epilepsy and a recent compression fracture. This episode, 'Schizophrenia and the Temptation of Solitude,' offers a window into the delicate balance of managing mental health with the support of those who truly understand.

In our conversation, discover how solitude can serve as both a refuge and a hurdle, and why it’s crucial to strike harmony between alone time and social engagement. I open up about my transition from a research mathematician to a successful writing career, highlighting the flexibility that helped manage my symptoms. We also tackle the often-overlooked stigma surrounding weight, mental health, and medication, advocating for compassion and understanding in these areas. Whether you're on a similar path or supporting a loved one, find encouragement and insights waiting in this episode.

#DianaDirkby #TheOverlife #ATaleofSchizophrenia #Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #FamilyDynamics #CaregiverBurden #Resilience #Hope #MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealthStigma #Strength #Love #Compassion #SecondChance #Transformation #Fiction #MentalHealthPortrayal #FamilyStruggles #EmotionalTurmoil #PoignantStory #GrippingNarrative #UnforgettableCharacters #MustReadBook #Amazon #Solitude

Pastime With Good Company by King Henry VIII, played by The Chestnut Brass Company 

Pastime With Good Company, composed by King Henry VIII, played by The Chestnut Brass Company

Episode Transcript

I (00:00):
Hello, my name is Diana Dirkby and I live with paranoid
schizophrenia.
You are listening to my podcastSchizophrenia as I Live it.
This episode is entitled TTemptation of Solitude.
It's been about a month sincemy last podcast.
The reason is that I again hada severe fall and am living with

(00:22):
a compression fracture in myback.
My doctors are still workingout its exact status.
If you have been following thepodcast, you'll know that falls
have plagued me this year.
Recently, my doctors concludedthat my absence epilepsy is the
likely culprit, as it can causeme to miss a beat and lose

(00:45):
control of where I am stepping.
It's expected that the dosageof my anti-seizure medication
will be higher.
Now, in addition to this audiopodcast, I will eventually begin
a video podcast on YouTube.
The theme will be differentthere, as I will focus on my
writing and the lessons I havelearned from life.

(01:07):
Of course, my schizophreniawill be among the aspects of my
identity that I discuss, but thetheme will be broader than my
schizophrenia.
I will keep you updated aboutthe video podcast on this audio
podcast.
Today, I wanted to discuss thesolitude many people living with

(01:27):
schizophrenia feel tempted by.
I am one such person.
These days, solitude means justme and my spouse.
My love for my spouse and hisfor me have made us a unit and
his for me have made us a uni.
Almost like one person Beforemy marriage, I was strongly

(01:51):
tempted by solitude and would golong without talking to anyone,
despite having a job.
I was in mathematics research,which can be a solitary activity
, if you wish it.
The symptoms of schizophreniacan be so overwhelming that it
can take all your energy tocombat them and try to stabilize
them, even with the help ofdoctors.

(02:13):
Dealing with other people whenyou are struggling often makes
your perceptions more confused,especially as most people don't
know how to deal with someoneundergoing a mental health
emergency.
You are faced with the effortof compensating for your
symptoms as well as fieldingstigma from some of the people

(02:34):
you meet outside your home.
Schizophrenia symptoms caninclude psychosis, which brings
a loss of touch with reality.
Some people with schizophreniaknow when this rupture is
getting severe, and others don'trecognize it at all.
In my case, I start by notrealizing I am losing touch with

(02:55):
the real world, but past acertain point, self-doubt takes
over and I question myperceptions.
This turnaround is eitherimmediate or relatively rapid -
within a few days, say, if mymedication is doing its job.
If my medication isn't working,the turnaround can take weeks.
Here my caregiver spouse is sohelpful.

(03:18):
He can tell if I am beginningto struggle and he tells me
outright that I need to connectwith my doctors.
He never pushes me into socialinteraction that I don't welcome
, even if it means he is missingout too.
My fear that he may beisolating himself because of me
motivates me to work harder onwhat I can do for my symptoms so

(03:42):
his situation is normalized.
Yes, having a caregiver withwhom you have an honest
relationship can be so important.
Like many people living withschizophrenia, even when my
symptoms are well under control,they nonetheless present
themselves.
Still, edication and therapygive me the objectivity I need

(04:05):
to identify what is real andwhat isn't.
So in talking about thetemptation of solitude at its
strongest, I need to think backto the long period after I left
home, but before I married.
I had several severe relapsesduring those years, despite
consulting doctors.

(04:25):
It took me a long time to finda psychiatrist and psychologist
who was genuinely effective atcontrolling my symptoms.
Years of my life were spentdoing my job as best I could.
Being a research mathematicianwas an excellent choice due to
its flexibility.

(04:45):
I could work while feeling mybest and rest when I couldn't
work well.
My career was a success beforeI retired early to become a
writer.
My debut novel is he Overlife ATale of Schizophrenia, by Diana
Dirkby, my pen name.
I have discussed it extensivelyin previous podcasts and you

(05:07):
can find information on myInstagram account a dianadirkby,
under slash writings.
The detailed account of themain character, arah, is close
to telling what it's like for meto live with paranoid
schizophrenia.
I lived mainly in France when Iwas single, where research
mathematicians aren't paid wellby American standards.

(05:28):
However, I did not feel poor,as I had enough to buy what I
needed and pay rent for my smallstudio.
I even eventually purchased atwo-room apartment.
During a relapse what is alsocalled a psychotic break, though
that description invites a lotof stigmas I would have visual
and auditory distortions thatmade it impossible for me to

(05:52):
interact with people in anymeaningful way, and a challenge
to do much else, even at home.
The best pastime for me duringsuch periods was to listen to
music.
I mainly listened to classicalmusic, a consequence of my
upbringing.
My love of films brought me tolove a lot of film music and my

(06:12):
marriage brought me my husband'slove of old-fashioned country
music.
So I would steep myself inclassical music in my studio and
only go out to watch a movieand shop.
I had no TV.
I often forgot to eat, which Icould ill afford as I am
chronically thin.
Even antipsychotics, which areknown for putting on weight,

(06:36):
have not affected my waistline.
My fellow mathematiciansnoticed this change and that's
how many of them realized I mustbe sick in some way.
Their comments about my weightloss were helpful, as they
motivated me to eat moreregularly, aiding my eventual
recovery.
In passing, let me comment thatthere is a lot of stigma against

(06:59):
people who are overweight orobese.
People often say they aregreedy and that is why they are
fat.
There can be many reasons aperson gains weight, from
psychological problems tomedications like antipsychotics.
Everyone's body has its way ofreacting to food.
There should be no shame orguilt attached to someone, thin

(07:22):
or fat.
If fat people overeat, thenit's a mental health problem and
should be treated as such.
Hollywood doesn't help by oftenemploying actresses and actors
who are unnaturally thin or fat.
Hollywood doesn't help peopleliving with schizophrenia either
, as they usually portray suchpeople as dangerous villains who

(07:43):
commit crimes in their shows.
During those periods when I wassingle and fighting stigma, what
was the attraction of solitude?
In my novel, the Overlife, Idescribe a period when S was
sick and afraid to be at home.
That was the most dangerousperiod for a eventual recovery

(08:03):
outside a mental institution.
I have never spent a period inthe psych ward, even though that
may have helped me at times.
Following my fear of my home wasthe conviction that it was a
safe place.
I didn't particularlyappreciate sleeping in the
streets of Paris, rance.
The alternative was stayinghome.
My home, a studio in Paris,rance, at the time of my first

(08:27):
big psychotic break, became mybrain.
I was undergoing many of thesymptoms of schizophrenia,
including auditory and visualhallucinations, but I felt that
they were confined to my studio,hence the temptation to isolate
myself there was powerful.
I was able to muster up thecourage to shop for food and I

(08:48):
did mathematics during my bettermoments.
Despite the apparent concern ofsome of my colleagues, no one
visited me in my studio to checkon my health.
They viewed my confinement tomy studio as the best location
for continuing my mathematicsresearch and staying out of
trouble.
No one needed to know more.

(09:10):
The temptation of solitude atthis stage was my feeling of
control over myself.
In my studio, I avoided anyoneelse who might throw me off
balance, sending me backwardfrom my attempt to recover.
In my studio I could go throughthe paces of my psychosis with
no audience to judge me.
If I wanted to listen to musicall day, I could do so.

(09:32):
When I woke up with a clearermind, I could do some
mathematics without anyonejudging that I hadn't done
enough to earn my salary.
So avoiding judgment of my bestefforts was a significant
factor in tempting solitude.
My studio also offered a placewith few external stimuli and no

(09:53):
person to cope with.
I did try a few psychiatristsand psychologists, but they were
not effective.
There was too much Freud intheir approach and not enough
science.
I was quizzed about my sex life, which was zero at the time,
and was told I married my motherjust because I had cared for
her for so long.
I was insulted and left theappointments feeling worse than

(10:16):
when I started.
I eventually found a good fitfor doctors in the USA after I
married my American spouse andmoved to the USA because of him.
There is much to love aboutFrance and I still miss it, but
the medical care for me wasbetter in the USA, albeit much
more expensive.
Also, I was married when Imoved to the USA, which was a

(10:38):
huge factor in my getting well.
My strong temptation to be alone, or alone with my spouse, comes
from my ability to control myenvironment.
If I am struggling, I do notview this as a bad thing, but as
a powerful tool for regulatingmy relationships with people
outside my marriage.
If you know someone withschizophrenia who is

(11:01):
self-isolating, you should treadvery carefully in trying to
convince them to socialize more.
I would recommend the supportgroups of a mental health
advocacy group like NAMI.
They are usually held weeklyand are not judgmental and are
run by trained mental healthexperts.
They have support groups formental health consumers and

(11:22):
caregivers.
You can also encourageself-isolating mental health
consumers to engage with thetremendous number of similar
people who are active online.
I came late to social media,but I have found Instagram, for
example, to be a great companionduring a day when I can't face
going out.

A word of warning (11:42):
don't overdo social media.
A few hours a day is enough.
If you are having a psychoticbreak, be careful about how long
you spend on social media andwhat you post.
The safest is to scroll, enjoyand leave short comments that
could offend no one.

(12:03):
The solitude of the personliving with schizophrenia may be
a tool they are using ratherthan an indication of how sick
they are.
It becomes dangerous only whenthe consumer of mental health
sees no way out of it.
No one's home should be aprison.
They can begin with socialmedia i.
f they cannot physically changetheir situation, they can

(12:25):
graduate by physically attendinga mental health support group.
Those around them who love themcan propose simple outings
where they will not be expectedto do anything but enjoy them.
For example, they will not beexpected to speak to anyone.
I use solitude as a valuabletool to moderate the symptoms of
schizophrenia that I still havedespite my great medication.

(12:49):
My spouse knows by now that Iwill often say I am not going
out today, but he never forcesthe issue.
Through my love for him, I'llmake sure I confront trips away
from home at least a few times aweek for his sake.
We have reached a good balancebetween my days at home and the

(13:10):
days we go out together.
If you know a consumer of mentalhealth who is self-isolating,
try to visit them and say somekind words while you are there.
Never criticize them or tellthem their lifestyle is not
acceptable.
Leave your phone number andaddress and tell them they can
contact you if they so desire.
Please mention that you'd behappy to go shopping with them

(13:34):
or share some other activity,like a walk to encourage them to
get out and about.
Solitude is a great servant forsomeone living with a psychotic
disorder, but it is a badmaster.
Please help the isolatedconsumers of mental health that
you know to employ the servantbut defy the master.

(13:54):
Thank you for listening.