The Hidden Reason Students Compete Over Everything

Why does everything at school seem to turn into a competition... 
and why does it so often become a school counseling issue?

In this episode of the School for School Counselors Podcast, we explore what’s really happening when students compete over small moments and why school counselors are frequently asked to intervene even when there’s no clear behavior problem. 

We look at the neurological and social drivers behind competitive behavior, how these moments get misread by adults, and how that misinterpretation quietly increases the workload and pressure placed on school counselors.

This episode isn’t about strategies, tools, or interventions.
It’s about understanding the pattern beneath the referrals.

If you’re a school counselor who feels pulled into situations that don’t quite make sense- but still feel urgent- this conversation will help you see what’s actually happening before the response gets triggered.

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Join the next-level conversation in my Substack.

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Want support with real-world strategies that actually work on your campus? We’re doing that every day in the School for School Counselors Mastermind. Come join us! 

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All names, stories, and case studies in this episode are fictionalized composites drawn from real-world circumstances. Any resemblance to actual students, families, or school personnel is coincidental. Details have been altered to protect privacy.

This work is part of the School for School Counselors body of work developed by Steph Johnson, LPC, which centers role authority over role drift, consultative practice over fix-it culture, adult-designed systems and environments as primary drivers of student behavior, clinical judgment over compliance, and school counselor identity as leadership within complex systems.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
You know that kid who is always first in line.
Before the teacher even sayslineup, they're halfway to the
door, right?
Eyes locked, ready to win.
Or you know the cafeteria milkcarton athletes.
One kid flips it, it landsright, and all of a sudden it
becomes a full-on tournament.

(00:29):
Half the table's chanting,somebody's filming, and you're
just trying to keep the meleeunder control for lunch duty.
So maybe you can go eat your ownlunch in peace in a little
while.
And the weird part about thesesituations is that nobody really
decided to compete.
It just happened, right?

(00:51):
One flip or one run becomes ahierarchy.
And because schools arebasically social petri dishes,
this kind of competition leaksinto everything else.
Who's talking to who?
Who has the better boyfriend?
Who gets the most laughs or themost likes or the most eyes?

(01:12):
It is absolutely constant.
The scoreboard never shuts off.
And the most interesting partabout this is that most kids
don't even realize the gamethey're playing.
They just know what it feelslike to lose.

(01:33):
Hey school counselor, welcomeback.
In this episode of our Why DoThey Do That series, we're
moving one layer deeper.
Last episode, we talked aboutburn culture, how humor becomes
currency and connection canbecome competitive.
Today we're looking at theengine underneath it all: the
scoreboard brain.

(01:55):
Why everything turns into acompetition, why validation
starts to matter more thanlearning, and why this isn't
about ego, it's about wiring.
So if you're ready for somestraight talk, my friend, some
clarity on your work and maybe alittle bit of rebellion, you're
in the right place.

(02:16):
I'm Steph Johnson, and this isthe School for School Counselors
podcast.
So let's talk about theaddiction we tend to reward.
We talk about things like screenaddiction all the time in
schools, but maybe the realaddiction that we should have
our eye on, and the one thatwe're actually rewarding the

(02:39):
most is winning.
Because every time they say, I'mfirst, every flipped milk
carton, every he likes me lightsup the same dopamine circuit
that drives craving.
Only these also get applause.
And teachers will call itmotivation, parents call it

(03:01):
drive, friends call itconfidence, but strip away all
of the labels and you're leftwith chemistry.
It's like a mental scoreboardthat never stops tallying.
It's constantly updating who'sahead and who's falling behind.
These little brains are wired tochase the next hit of you

(03:24):
matter.
And when that hit starts todepend on who's watching or
who's losing, the game gets intoa cycle that never ends.
So let's talk about what thatscoreboard brain looks like in
action.
Because you can almost see it inreal time.

(03:45):
A student cracks a joke,everyone laughs, maybe harder
than the joke deserved.
And then the jokester'sshoulders pull back, they have a
half-smile that kind of flickersacross their face.
And, you know, if you listen tothe last episode about burn
culture, this is going to soundfamiliar because it's the same

(04:07):
moment we talked about then,when humor stops being
connection and becomes a form ofcurrency.
That laugh isn't just approval,it's relief and it's actually
safety.
So neurologically, socialapproval briefly lowers threat

(04:28):
and it stabilizes the stressresponse.
So essentially, that laugh isgiving the nervous system a
break, even if it lasts half asecond.
And in that time, you can almostsee their body settle a little
bit.
Right before the chase beginsagain.
The scoreboard lights up, theyget the feedback, and they're

(04:51):
off to the races.
So roasting, bragging, littleone-ups, these aren't just
jokes.
They're social tests.
And each one is asking, am Istill seen?
And do I still belong?
Research shows that whenbelonging feels uncertain,

(05:14):
people monitor social feedbackmore closely.
And they tend to use saferstrategies like humor to try to
stay included as part of thegroup.
So if you've ever watched someof these things and thought,
God, why does everything have tobe a competition?
Or even better, why can't theyjust let it go?

(05:35):
You're not missing anything, andit's not just them.
You're seeing the loop.
Social approval activates thesame reward systems as risk
taking.
You pull the lever, you wait forthe laugh, and you repeat.
It's like slot machinechemistry, only the price is
laughter and affirmation.

(05:57):
But this is where we as adultson campuses start to misread
things.
We think it's arrogance.
Sometimes we label it attitude.
Sometimes we say that they arebeing aggressive.
But often it's anxiety dressedup as confidence, because being
invisible to them hurts worsethan being wrong.

(06:23):
And you really don't even haveto wait for adolescence to see
this kind of competition andsocial approval kick into gear.
Go watch a group ofkindergartners line up for
recess.
Someone always wants to befirst, and someone always yells,
I got there first, even if theydidn't.
And if another kid beats them byeven just a hair, you can

(06:47):
practically see the world end.
At this stage, it's not aboutsocial dominance, it's more
about mastery andpredictability.
These little ones are learningthat effort leads to outcomes.
And that I'm first momentdelivers a reward that teaches I

(07:07):
did it right.
Psychologists call this masterymotivation, the drive to solve
problems, complete challenges,and feel effective.
Each I did it moment releasesdopamine and reinforces
persistence.
So early on, being first feelslike competence.

(07:29):
It's the brain saying, I havecontrol, I can do this.
But when we shift toadolescence, the feedback loop
widens out.
And by upper elementary, kidsstart noticing who's watching.
That I did it moment nowrequires an audience.

(07:53):
Motivation becomes social.
And that's where things start toshift.
Because that I did it first thatthey had in childhood is now
evolving into I am first.
I did it.
I am.

(08:13):
And that shift matters way morethan we realize.
By adolescence, that rewardsystem is getting louder and
louder, and then peers just turnthe volume up.
At the same time,self-regulation systems are
still catching up.

(08:35):
So things like lining up,turning in work, even picking up
a pencil off the floor can turninto this huge contest.
They're not being defiant ordisruptive or too boisterous.
They're operating inside a braincircuit that lights up when
they're noticed.
And really, the interestingthing about it is even silent

(08:59):
peers can change other students'behavior.
Just knowing someone mightnotice increases risk taking.
That's the scoreboard brain.
It is always on, it is alwaysscanning, and it is always
looking for the next pointopportunity.

(09:21):
Now, here's a part of this wedon't talk about enough.
And this might land a little tooclose to home because this
doesn't stop with kids.
You see this same kind ofcircuitry with adults.
Think about your school staffmeetings.
Who gets praised publicly?

(09:43):
Whose work gets spotlighted andwhose doesn't?
And how that affects the adultsin the room.
Or in our neck of the woods,think about things like National
School Counseling Week.
Who gets the shout-outs?
Who gets the accolades oncampus?
Who gets the gifts and whodoesn't?

(10:04):
National School Counseling Weekjust makes the scoreboard louder
for us.
But y'all, we're running onejust like these kids are.

(10:52):
When competition shifts frommastery to performance, anxiety
rises and persistence drops.
Because the brain stops focusingon improvement and starts just
tracking approval.
And once that associationsticks, the scoreboard doesn't

(11:12):
even need to be posted anymore.
Because kids start carrying itin their heads just like we do.
And there's a cost to this thatwe don't always name.
Because when students learn thatbeing seen requires performance,
resting starts to feel unsafe.

(11:34):
Quiet begins to feel risky.
And being neutral sort of feelslike disappearing.
So they start to seek to fillthe silence.
They manufacture moments ofrecognition.
They create competition wherenone really existed, not because

(11:54):
they love winning so much, butbecause losing track of the
scoreboard feels like they arelosing themselves.
And that's not immaturity.
That's actually the nervoussystem doing exactly what we
taught it to do.
So kids aren't just chasingattention, they're avoiding
stillness.

(12:14):
And that begins to shape howthey move through school, how
they move through relationships,and eventually how they move
through adulthood.
So now that we understand thecost, we need to understand what
happens next.
So we know, we feel it in everyhallway.

(12:37):
There's that quiet, competitivehum, there's a raised eyebrow
here or there, a whispered brag,a shouted, I was first.
Those milk carton flips andshouts aren't just about being
impressive or really even aboutwinning, it's about being seen.

(12:57):
Competition among peers isn'tthe enemy, it's human.
The problem is what we'veattached it to.
Because for many students,competition isn't about growing
stronger, it's just about notdisappearing.
And the social scoreboardbecomes the proof that they

(13:17):
exist.
And when we start to look at itthat way, the behavior that once
looked arrogant or tooaggressive or too out of control
sometimes starts to look likesurvival.
And the goal here really isn'tto shut that competitive see me
drive off.

(13:38):
It's to widen the field.
Being first can mean helpingsomeone else succeed.
Winning can mean recovering froma mistake.
And success could be quiet andstill count.
You know, someday they're notgoing to remember who won the
majority of the milk cartonflips, right?

(14:01):
But they will remember whetherschool felt like a place where
they had to perform to belong,or a place where they could just
exist and still know that theymatter.
That's how we're going to startrewiring some of these
scoreboard brains.
We need to show kids thatbelonging doesn't require a

(14:23):
leaderboard, that they can bestill and still be significant.
And for us, the hardest part ofthat is learning when something
actually needs intervention andwhen everybody just needs a
little space to settle.
You're still going to see racesto the door.

(14:43):
You're still going to hear someroasting around.
That's all normal.
But when we stop calling it egoand start seeing it as wiring,
and when we start to help kidsfind a way out of the endless
scoreboard, we help them feelthe difference between chasing
recognition and finding meaning,between competition and

(15:07):
competence, between the rush ofbeing seen and the peace of
being sure.
A competition isn't going to goanywhere, but we can teach kids
how to compete differently.
And really, that's the realrebellion in this world and
culture that is obsessed withscoreboards.

(15:29):
Now, talking about it is theeasy part.
But making these calls in realtime is not.
Some situations need a litmustest.
Others, you got to go back andwatch the replay, right?
And run it back later and seewhat you missed.
And most of us, frankly, werenever taught how to do either

(15:51):
one.
These are the kinds of thingsthat I wish someone had taught
me how to do earlier in myschool counseling career.
Because a lot of times you don'tneed another strategy.
You need a place to slow yourthinking down.
So if this episode left youwanting to kind of mull these
ideas over just a little bitlonger, I want you to know I've

(16:13):
written a short companion pieceover on Substack.
I'm trying to publish a littlebit over there for some deeper
thinking.
So this piece is not a recap ofthe podcast episode.
If you read it, you are notgoing to get a regurgitation of
what you heard here.
It's going to be a place wherethis episode kind of finishes

(16:36):
percolating a little bit.
I'm going to round out mythinking about this a little
more.
You'll find the link to this inthe show notes.
But then if what you really needare people and a space where you
don't constantly have to explainthe context or defend your

(16:57):
decisions and a place where wecan talk through the patterns
underneath behaviors together,that's why I built the School
for School CounselorsMastermind.
Because it's not just another PDrequirement to check off,
another certificate to file awaywith the hundreds of others you
have, or even one of thoseworthless online freebie

(17:18):
workshops you see all the time.
This is the space I createdbecause I couldn't find it when
I needed it.
So if either one of these feelssupportive to you right now, you
can find links to both of themin the show notes or at
schoolforschoolcounselors.com.
Hey, I'm Steph Johnson.

(17:38):
I'll be back soon with anotherepisode of the School for School
Counselors podcast.
In the meantime, notice whatyour own scoreboard has been
tracking lately.
Be gentle with yourself and giveyourself permission to slow it
down.
Take care.
I'll see you soon.