Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:13):
You know all about
this.
It's 324 in the afternoon.
The buses are humming.
And just as you're thinkingabout escaping and finally going
home, you hear, hey, do you havea minute?
Or I don't want to go home.
And you freeze because yoususpect this is not going to be
(00:36):
just a quick chat.
You know that feeling thatshoots through you in that
moment.
It's like a jolt, right?
And the instant alert.
And your brain startscalculating, what am I up
against?
And what do I do now?
And your heart is going, please,not today.
(00:58):
You've probably felt that mix inyour career before.
Compassion mixed with panic,with a little frustration and
maybe even some guilt.
And they all swirl together likea tornado all at once.
It is the school counselor'sversion of emotional whiplash.
(01:18):
But here's the thing that nobodytalks about.
Those moments aren't random.
That timing, those last fewminutes of the day, those
disclosures aren't coincidence.
They're perfectly timed bystudents' nervous systems
themselves.
And here's what I'll tell youthat nobody else will.
(01:40):
Sometimes the best thing thatyou can do in these situations
is not to jump into action, butto say, hey, we'll get to this
tomorrow morning and mean itwith your entire heart.
Because not all of those 324confessions are emergencies.
They're neurobiology.
(02:02):
And once you understand thescience, everything changes.
(02:23):
It has less to do with youravailability and a whole lot
more to do with their biology.
So if you're ready for somestraight talk, my friend, some
clarity on your work and maybe alittle bit of rebellion, you're
gonna be in the right place.
I'm Steph Johnson, and this isthe School for School Counselors
(02:43):
podcast.
All right, so why do they alwayswait until the last possible
second?
You've been there, you've hadyour backpack on your shoulder,
your keys are in your hand, andthen you see a student
lingering, and they say, Can Ijust tell you something real
(03:04):
quick?
And you just know it is notgoing to be quick.
That timing is a form ofself-protection.
Adolescents live in a constanttug of war between wanting to
tell and being terrified totell.
Blakemore and Mills describethis as a neurological conflict.
(03:28):
The limbic system fuels urgency,but the prefrontal cortex
manages foresight.
During the chaos of the schoolday, the emotion usually wins.
But by the final bell, when thenoise starts dissipating, when
the people start filing out ofthe building, their body quiets
(03:48):
just enough for reason to catchup.
And that's when their brainsays, okay, you can do this now.
So when you hear, hey, do youhave a second at 324?
Understand this.
It's not manipulation.
It sometimes feels like it, butwhat it really is is biology.
(04:10):
It's because their nervoussystem has finally given them
the permission to speak.
So remember in the hoodieepisode, which was the last one
before this, when we talkedabout polyvagal theory and how
the nervous system has to feelsafe before it can connect.
This is the same principle,different timing.
(04:33):
Stephen Porgis explains thatunder stress, our body stays in
fight, flight, or freeze.
For many students, that's thewhole school day, right?
Crowded halls, loud cafeterias,constant social navigation, and
academic pressures.
But when the building starts toquiet, something shifts.
(04:55):
Their body slips toward whatPorgis calls ventral vagal calm,
the state that allows connectionand vulnerability.
And when that calm finallyappears, so does the truth.
That's why disclosures tend tocluster either in the last
minutes of the day or rightbefore an extended break,
(05:18):
because their body is finallysaying it is safe enough now.
For trauma-exposed students,this may be the only daily
window where vulnerability iseven possible.
I remember I had a student oncewho hovered at my doorway every
day while everyone else waswalking out the doors.
(05:39):
She wasn't waiting for me.
She was waiting for her nervoussystem to let her speak.
And as Dan Siegel teaches, thebrain has to feel safe before it
can engage, even in curiosity.
And at 324, it finally can.
So if safety is the key, whydon't students show up earlier?
(06:04):
Like lunch or a free block or apassing period.
Because safety isn't just aboutyou.
Safety is about the context.
Porgis calls this neurosception.
It's our body's unconscious scanfor safety or danger.
During the day, even if you'resafe, the context may not be.
(06:28):
Someone might overhear, right?
Someone might question where thestudent is, the bell might
interrupt them, or a peer mightsee them walk into your office.
But at 324, the buildingempties, the witnesses
disappear, and the day endsanyway.
So the situation finally feelssafe enough.
(06:48):
And here's the part of all ofthis that is fascinating but
also frustrating.
Students don't choose thismoment despite your limited
time.
They choose it because of it.
If they provide a disclosure at10 a.m., there's still time for
(07:09):
meetings and calls andconsequences and follow-up, and
they might not be ready forthat.
But at 324, there is a built-inexit.
It's disclosure, but with asafety net.
They can unburden themselveswithout losing control over what
comes next.
Lisa Damore calls this testingthe temperature of the water, a
(07:33):
toe dip before they dive on in.
So this limited window isn't abug.
Self-determination theory showsthat even small choices enhance
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well-being and reduce stress.
And choosing the timing of aconfession is one of the few
things that students cancontrol.
I had a student once who waiteduntil the very end of the day to
tell me that her family wasmoving.
She had relief as well as regreton her face.
(08:16):
She shared her information withme on her terms.
And honestly, that was herright.
And for many students, this isalso a test because attachment
research shows that adolescentsdon't stop seeking connection.
They just seek it indirectly.
They don't walk up to you andask, do you care about me?
(08:39):
They ask, what happens if I tellyou something at the worst
possible time?
So if you stay regulated andresponsive, they learn, hey, I
matter even when it's notconvenient.
So they may not necessarily betrying to make your day harder.
They may be checking to seewhether you are still safe.
(09:02):
Hey, you know what's wild?
When I teach this inside theSchool for School Counselors
Mastermind, counselors alwayssay, I thought I was the only
one dealing with this.
Good news, you're not.
Hundreds of counselors insidethe mastermind are navigating
these same 324 disclosures, thetests, the patterns.
(09:25):
And when you're with people whoget all of that, everything
starts to change.
So if you're tired of figuringthis out alone, come join us.
Schoolforschoolcounselors.comslash mastermind.
All right, so let's talk aboutpatterns too.
Because when studentsconsistently show up at the same
(09:48):
time, that timing tells yousomething.
Kids with anxious attachmentmight test urgency, like, will
you still help me when it'sinconvenient?
Kids with avoidant attachmentuse time limits as protection.
I'll tell you, but I need anescape route.
Kids with disorganizedattachment may swing between
(10:11):
both of those.
Ever had a kid that shows up thesame day every week, and then
later you find out at some sortof a custody exchange?
Yeah, I've had several of thosein my career, and I figured out
that once I check in with themearlier in the day, the
end-of-day drive-by stop.
Timing tells the storyunderneath the story.
(10:34):
But then what about the ones whonever tell?
We also need to think aboutthose students who never
disclose.
Because for every student whodrops a confession at 324, many
more stay silent.
And it's not because they don'tneed help, but because their
nervous system never signalssafety.
(10:57):
Vanderkolk writes about this.
Some students stay in survivalmode so long that vulnerability
really never feels like anoption.
They're the kids who seem fine,who fly under the radar, and who
only come to the surface whensomething breaks wide open.
You didn't miss all that stuff.
(11:20):
It was their body protectingthem.
So we go to those kids with alow pressure presence.
Hey, how's it going?
Or I noticed you were kind ofquiet today.
Giving check-ins withoutexpectation.
Some students are gonna need 50moments of I see you before they
(11:42):
can risk one moment of I needyou.
And your job isn't to force thedoor open, it's just to stand
next to it.
So we've talked about theseend-of-day disclosures.
We've talked about the scienceof safety and why students wait
until the absolute last minuteto tell you, and how students'
(12:05):
bodies and brains determinewhat's safe enough.
But we also need to acknowledgethat when these situations
happen, and they will, you feelit too.
Your chest probably tightens,your thoughts start to race, and
sometimes you leave campusfeeling absolutely wired.
D City and Lamb found thatwitnessing distress activates
(12:29):
some of the same neural circuitsas experiencing distress.
Your body jumps into that stormbefore you even realize it.
So when you get these end-of-daydisclosures, make sure you pause
and breathe out slowly, dropyour shoulders, maybe even name
one feeling for yourself.
(12:50):
You can't co-regulate anybodyfrom a flooded nervous system,
right?
So protecting your peace isn'tselfish.
It's very, very strategic,especially in moments like
these.
Because here's what's happeningin your body at 324.
Your amygdala pops off, yourheart rate spikes, your
(13:13):
breathing shortens, and yourprefrontal cortex, that's the
clear thinking part of yourbrain, it kind of goes offline a
little bit.
And that urge to fix everythinginstantly is your nervous system
mirroring theirs.
If you respond from that state,you will not be co-regulating,
(13:34):
you'll be co-escalating.
Dan Siegel calls this catchingsomeone's emotional state.
So before you respond, take abreath.
In for four, hold for four, andout for six.
It brings your thinking brainback online and creates just
(13:56):
enough space to respond insteadof react.
So don't skip that.
Now we've been trained to treatevery 324 disclosure like it's a
crisis, haven't we?
But the urgency that we feel inthese situations is often ours.
It's not theirs.
Students are not showing upasking for a six-minute miracle.
(14:20):
They're asking you to be awitness to what is heavy.
And when we start rushingthrough these situations, we
undermine what they're reallytesting, which is can you stay
calm when I can't?
So here's your reminder thatsometimes the most therapeutic
(14:40):
thing that you can say istomorrow morning.
Containing the problem is notneglect, it's professionalism.
And care does not have to equalchaos.
Let's get tactical for a minuteand talk about what you actually
(15:01):
do when one of these momentsshows up in your doorway.
So first, make sure you can tellthe difference between
disclosure and crisis.
And I know that sounds silly,but in the moment it is very
hard to do.
A disclosure means I need you toknow this exists.
A crisis is I need you to dosomething right now.
(15:26):
Disclosure feels like relief,but crisis feels like
escalation.
It gets bigger as it unfolds.
Trust your nervous system.
Y'all, it knows the difference.
Secondly, you can contain thesituation without closing the
loop.
So you could say something like,I'm so glad you felt safe enough
(15:48):
to tell me this.
And I want to make sure we havetime to do it right.
Can we talk about this firstthing tomorrow?
It validates their couragewithout overextending your
bandwidth.
Third, make sure you documentbefore you leave.
Even just a quick note toyourself.
Time, date, brief summary keepsthe continuity secure and allows
(16:10):
you to let it go until youreturn to campus.
It kind of helps keep you fromstewing over it all night long.
And then fourth, make sure thatyou are reassuring, creating a
plan, and that you actuallyreconnect.
You did the right thing.
Here's what happens next.
I'll find you tomorrow to checkin.
(16:31):
It grounds them inpredictability.
And then again, remember they'regoing to take their cue from
your tone.
So slow your speech.
Keep your body language openbecause your calm is contagious.
And here's a professional sanitysaver.
(16:52):
I often encourage schoolcounselors in my mastermind to
block off small pockets of timeat the end of the week and right
before and after long breaks.
Because that's when these kindsof disclosures tend to spike.
When things slow down, safetyrises, and all the unspoken
stories start coming up to thesurface.
(17:13):
So instead of being blindsided,plan for it.
Give yourself a buffer of graceand time to be able to handle
them.
All right.
So out of all of this, here'swhat I hope you remember.
The last-minute confession isnot designed to ruin your day.
(17:35):
It's courage.
They are not trying to make yourday harder.
They're just proving to you thatyour presence matters.
And every time you're able topause and stay grounded, you
teach them and show them whatsafety really feels like.
You gotta know they're notdumping their problems on you at
(17:56):
the last minute.
They are delivering proof oftrust.
All right, my friend, those areyour 11th hour moments decoded.
And one last thing.
If you're thinking of a timethat you did not handle one of
these situations, well, let itgo.
You're human, you're doing hardwork in impossible conditions,
(18:19):
and repair is always possible.
Next time, we're gonna talkabout another student mystery.
Why does every ding dang thinghave to turn into a competition?
But until then, remember, evenat 3 24 p.m., you're exactly who
(18:41):
your students need most.
Take care.