February 4, 2025 • 27 mins
In today's episode of The School of Midlife, we dive into a critical question for high-performing women in midlife: When is enough enough? Many of us find ourselves caught in the cycle of constantly striving for more—more success, more accolades, more achievements—but at what cost?
As high achievers, we often feel like we’re almost there—whether it’s a financial goal, a physical milestone, or even the approval of others—but somehow, that feeling of fulfillment always seems to slip through our fingers. Why is that?
This episode unpacks the internal struggle many women face in midlife as they try to balance ambition and contentment. We'll explore:
- The never-ending pursuit of more: why we keep moving the goalposts and how it impacts our happiness.
- The myth of "doing more" and why adding to your to-do list isn’t the solution.
- The importance of defining your version of success and learning to say "enough" without guilt.
- How we were raised to follow a checklist of societal expectations—and why it’s time to break free.
- Practical advice on how to live the life you actually want, right now, instead of delaying joy and fulfillment for some future date.
We’ll also touch on the game-changing ideas from Die With Zero by Bill Perkins, which challenges us to prioritize experiences over accumulation and how embracing this philosophy has helped many of us in midlife stop living for the next milestone and start living for today.
If you're ready to rethink what success means, let go of the "good girl" checklist, and take control of your midlife, this episode is for you.
LINKS + MENTIONS:
Die with Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life by Bill Perkins
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
In today's episode of the Schoolof Midlife podcast, we're
talking about knowing yournumber.
We're talking about knowing whenenough is enough so that you
don't just keep working for thesake of working with not a lot
to show for it.
So stay tuned.
Welcome to the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm your host, LaurieReynoldson.
(00:21):
This is the podcast for themidlife woman who starting to
ask herself big life questions.
Like, what do I want?
Is it too late for me?
And what's my legacy beyond myfamily and my work.
Each week we're answering thesequestions and more.
At the School of Midlife, we'relearning all of the life lessons
(00:41):
they didn't teach us in schooland we're figuring out finally
what it is we want to be when wegrow up.
Let's make midlife your bestlife.
Hey friends, it's Laurie.
Welcome back to another episodeof the School of Midlife
podcast.
I am so happy to have you backhere today.
In today's episode, we're goingto talk about knowing your
(01:04):
number, understanding whenenough is enough, and
essentially trying to figure outwhat is it that we are striving
for at this point in our lives?
Because if you are like mosthigh performing women, you've
had a pretty damn successfullife up until now.
You've, you've done amazingthings.
In the workplace, you've doneamazing things at home, and
(01:28):
there is still this niggle,there's still this feeling that
for some reason we still need tobe doing a little bit more.
I don't know if you can relateto that or not, but I've been
having a lot of conversationwith friends and clients lately,
and it just feels like there isthis, Ever present need to do
(01:52):
more that, yes, what we havedone to this point is it's
great.
Yay us, but there's this feelingthat we must keep pressing.
We must keep moving forward.
We must keep striving andachieving so that we can
somehow, I guess, arrive at apoint in the future when we will
(02:15):
finally know that enough isenough, right?
That we have finally met thenumber that we think we should
have in our 401k so that we canretire.
We will finally see the numberon the scale that proves to us
that we look good enough to weara bikini on a beach vacation.
We'll receive something fromour, I don't know, our kids
(02:38):
college, or maybe they landtheir first big job.
And that will somehow prove tous that we have been good
parents.
We have, as high performingmidlife women, we have this, I
don't, I'm not going to call ita problem, we have this issue of
Continually thinking that weneed to be better, faster,
(02:58):
smaller, richer, like Everythingthat we have done up until now
is, is fine, but we still havethis internal desire, this
internal drive, this internalvoice that tells us that we have
to keep going, that where we areright now isn't enough for us.
If you're anything like me, youmight think.
(03:20):
Well, in order to figure outwhat I'm supposed to do next, I
just need to add a little bitmore to my to do list.
I mean, for, for years, I usedto think that the life that I
was looking for was on the otherside of another checklist.
Oh, I just have to finish these15 things and then I will
(03:42):
finally feel like I amsuccessful or that I am
fulfilled or I, I will have thatever present happiness that,
that, that kind of settled joythat I expect to find, you know,
that fulfillment, satisfaction.
And I learned a while ago,actually, that That's, that's
(04:03):
not actually how this works.
You don't need to add any moreto your to do list.
I mean, I, I would always tellmyself that I would feel a
certain way after the nextpromotion, or after I reached
the next milestone, or completedthe next endurance event, or
whatever the next thing was inmy head.
(04:23):
And certainly, once I did, Getthat promotion or reach the
milestone or finish the event.
There, there was always thissense of pride and
accomplishment because I, I haddone the damn thing, but I'll
tell you, it was almost alwaysfleeting.
It was never that whole lifecontentment or calm.
(04:45):
The, the joy, the happiness, thefulfillment that I was looking
for.
It was, it was almost like that,those feelings of satisfaction
and fulfillment.
And they, they just continued toescape me, like I couldn't quite
get there.
So in my mind, okay, then I'mjust going to need to add more
to my to do list or I'm going toneed to work harder.
(05:07):
So I was in this constant cycleof.
Working harder, adding more tothe to do list, running further,
taking on more projects.
I, I was living every single daylike I was crazy busy.
And even worse than that, I waswearing that crazy busy as like
a badge of honor.
(05:27):
Kind of like, look at me, lookat how important I am.
Look at how busy I am.
And I was equating my busy nesswith worth.
I was equating that busy nesswith success.
look at me.
Look at how important I am thatno one else can do this job this
way I can't delegate or handthings off because I can do this
(05:51):
the best and on some level Ifeel like I am proving my worth
because look at how much I'vebeen doing and I'll tell you
what I filled my time withpeople And activities, and to
dos, if anybody needed help witha project, I would take it on.
(06:12):
If anybody needed someone tostay late at work, I was always
there to do that.
I had this underlying desire tohave the highest billable hours
every month, which is so stupid.
I mean, yeah, as an attorney.
You are judged at the end ofevery year on the number of
(06:33):
hours you bill, you know,there's, there's a minimum
number that you have to reachand bonuses are, are arguably
tied to the number of hours youbill, but not really.
I mean, yeah, you might get acouple extra thousand dollars if
you overbill, but.
At least in the law firm settingwhere I was, the real cherry on
(06:54):
top, the, where you would getthe most bang for your buck.
That was bringing in newbusiness and it had nothing to
do with how many hours you buildon that file.
It was how much business can youbring in, spread it around and
keep bringing more business inbecause you, you did better with
origination fees than you didactually just doing the rote
legal work.
(07:15):
You certainly, you had to billyour minimum billable hours, but
anything above that, I think it,it felt better to me than it
actually looked on paper.
I mean, I, I wasn't gettinganything out of it.
and I know that I'm not alone inthat because as high performing
midlife women, we seem to thinkthat we're going to find the,
(07:36):
Fulfillment that we're lookingfor, or the satisfaction that
we're looking for, or thefeeling of worthiness or
enoughness.
This kind of ties back to what Italked about in last week's
episode.
Episode number 100.
Yep, we've made it.
100 episodes.
This whole idea that until wechange our mindset, about
(07:57):
ourselves, that it doesn'tmatter how much we do, it will
never be enough.
Women, and I've done it, and myclients do it, my friends do it,
but this, we all have approachedlife with this idea that I'll
finally find that happiness andfulfillment and satisfaction,
(08:17):
all the things that I'm lookingfor, in the next project, or the
next job, or the next marriage,or the next fill in the blank,
because we all have differentlists, and because we haven't
found it yet, then we go back tothat, call it a good girl
checklist, or the successchecklist, or the adulting
(08:38):
checklist, Whatever you want todo, but the, the checklist that
we were raised, that you go toschool and you get a job and you
buy a home and you get marriedand you raise a family and you
get promoted and, and you staythe course and at every
junction, you get to.
Put a little check mark by thething on the checklist, the
thing that we seem to think isthe most important for us to
(09:02):
feel valued, for us to finallyfeel the way we thought we would
feel.
And we're doing that because wethought it was expected of us.
I have a question to ask youthough.
Which is if we've already doneeverything we were supposed to
do, you know, that go to school,get a job, buy a house,
everything on the checklist,then why is it we don't feel
(09:25):
like we expected to feel?
I think one of the biggestmistakes that high performing
midlife women make is we'retrying to figure out how to make
the second half of our liveshappier and more fulfilling, but
we keep repeating the samepatterns of overwork and
overwhelm because we keep addingmore to our to do list.
(09:47):
We keep filling our plate withall of the things for all of the
other people in our lives,whether that's our family, at
work, our friends in thecommunity.
I mean, does any of this soundfamiliar?
I'm sure it does because we doit all the time.
It's also why we keep hittingthe same roadblocks and
(10:07):
plateaus, right?
We Receive another accolade, wehit another career milestone,
achieve the next big thing, andthe first time we do it, we feel
so proud.
And there is some subconsciouslevel that we believe, you know
what, now that we've done this,we'll finally feel like we've
(10:28):
arrived.
We'll finally feel like we'remaking our parents proud.
We will finally feel like wedeserve the promotion or that
what we are doing is worthy ofapproval.
But here's the thing, thatdoesn't happen, right?
I mean, yeah, we, we might getsome small bonus at work.
They might throw a party in ourhonor.
Um, and then when you try andrepeat it the next time, that
(10:58):
feeling of success, that feelingof approval.
Once you reach it, it's goneeven faster than it was the
first time.
So we find ourselves in thisconstant state of state, a
bigger, better goal, and thenwork damn hard to achieve it
and, and, and then actuallyachieve it and then immediately
move on to the next somethingthat's bigger or better.
(11:21):
And we do that not because.
We feel like there's no gettingoff the hamster wheel or the
treadmill, but we believe thatthe life we want is on the other
side of another checklist oranother to do list.
It's just that we haven't doneall the things that we thought
we needed to do.
(11:43):
But here's something that youprobably haven't thought of.
We keep moving the goal line.
And what I mean by that is wekeep moving the finish line.
We keep moving the number thatwe need in our deposit accounts
so that we can retire.
We keep moving the top of thejob ladder.
(12:04):
That we keep climbing becauseevery time we get promoted and
we expect to feel a certain waywhen we reach that goal or
milestone, but we don't, so wethink we need to do more and
it's this constant battle, thisconstant struggle of more, more,
more, and there's no enoughness.
There's no feeling like we'vearrived.
(12:27):
We just keep pushing for more,pushing for better, pushing for
bigger.
I know I've talked about myfavorite quote by Albert
Einstein a lot on this podcast,but remember he said that the
definition of insanity is doingthe same thing over and over and
expecting a different result.
As midlife women, we do that allthe time because we think that
(12:49):
that feeling of enoughness isgoing to show up after the next
promotion, or after we start thenext company, or after we earn
another degree, or morecredentials, or have more more
letters, after our, our name andour signature block.
After we lose the last 15pounds, after the next
milestone, birthday oranniversary, once we retire, we
(13:12):
just keep thinking.
I'll finally get there when.
But because we don't actuallyunderstand what it is we're
working for, we're never goingto feel the way we want and
expect to feel by adding more tothat to do list, to that
checklist.
(13:33):
Here's what I mean by that.
The checklist was never ours.
If we go back to that good girl,success checklist, whatever you
want to call it, that was givento us by our parents and
society.
And as the diligent workers thatwe were, we just got to work on
making that our reality.
We just got to work.
(13:53):
I mean, most of us worked whilewe were in college and worked as
hard as we could to get out ofcollege as soon as we could so
that we could get to work makingmoney because we were expected
to earn a degree and then gomake some money, right?
So we did what we thought wewere supposed to do.
(14:15):
We went to the best school thatwe could get into.
We studied and earned degrees.
We interviewed for a number ofdifferent jobs.
And we took the one that wantedto pay us the most.
So, at that point, we werealready in motion on fulfilling
the success checklist.
But here's the problem withthat.
(14:36):
It was never our checklist tobegin with.
We never took a step back tofigure out, is what I actually
want?
My life to be is anythingrelated to that checklist also
related to what I want?
Because I'm going to tell youthat Knowing what you want and
and that's what you actuallywant Not what you've been
(14:58):
conditioned to want not whatyour parents have told you to
want not what society tells youto want Not what you should
want, but what it is youactually want.
Knowing what you actually wantis the only way that you can
create and live your best life.
It's the only way to get It'sthe only way that you're going
(15:20):
to feel the fulfillment, feelthe satisfaction, feel the
happiness, experience the joyfor the long term.
Yeah, there might be some quickhits of excitement, pride, but
in the long run, doing moreisn't the answer.
In fact, In my opinion, doingless is the key.
(15:41):
So instead of going to thatchecklist and adding more to it,
thinking that you're going tofinally feel what you are
expecting to feel, instead ofdoing that, the key is do, do
things differently.
Figure out what it is youactually want.
Figure out how you definesuccess.
Figure out if you had theopportunity to live your best
(16:04):
life, what does that look like?
And then once you know what youwant, what success means to you,
what your best life looks like,then get busy making that your
reality.
Fill your time with people andactivities that Fill your soul
that, that align with thatdefinition of the life you want
(16:25):
to live.
Make it a priority to takebetter care of yourself and do
that first before taking care ofthe needs of others.
And by all means, stop wearingcrazy busy, like a badge of
honor.
So how do you start doing that?
Uh, last year as part of theYour Next Chapter Book Club, and
(16:45):
yes, the School of Midlife has abook club.
If you don't know about that,I'll drop a clickable link in
the show notes so you can learnmore about it.
But we read books that impactthe way midlife women are living
their life.
And we talk about topics andideas that will help us live
more fully into our purpose andwho we're supposed to be and
(17:07):
make midlife our best life.
but anyway, so last year we readDie With Zero, Getting All You
Can From Your Money and YourLife by Bill Perkins.
And one of the big themes in thebook was that as.
Americans, we have this uniqueability to work longer than we
(17:27):
need to, to save more money thanwe should.
And in the process, we foregomaking experiences, having
experiences, making memories.
It's really experiencing lifeand doing the things that we
want to do.
We put that off because we thinkthat we have to earn more and we
have to save more and we have topass down a lot of money to our
(17:50):
children.
And Bill Perkins idea is.
Everyone's goal should be tomaximize the amount of
experiences that we can have atthe time in our lives when we
can enjoy them, because a lot ofpeople decide, you know what,
I'm going to do all these thingswhen I retire and so when they
are able bodied and they couldactually be going and having
(18:13):
more experiences.
They spend the time behind adesk to make a bunch of money,
to save a bunch of money so thatthey can have this great
retirement.
And then they get to retirementand before they know it, they've
got a physical ailment or theydon't move as well as they used
to, or they find that they'veput off.
All of the things that theywanted to do to save them for
(18:34):
retirement.
And then they don't have theretirement that they expected to
have.
My dad is definitely someone whocould have benefited by reading
Die With Zero.
If you've been around thepodcast for a while, you've
heard me talk about my dadbefore, but for those of you who
haven't, my dad was my person.
He, he was definitely the parentwho I look to for all of the
(18:57):
things.
Retired from his second careeron his 66th birthday because he
wanted to maximize his socialsecurity benefits.
And yes, I said second careerbecause he tried early
retirement in his 40s.
That didn't stick because hedidn't really have an idea of
what he wanted to do inretirement and he got a little
bored so he went back to work.
(19:18):
He retired from his secondcareer on his 66th birthday.
He wanted to maximize thosesocial security benefits for a
couple reasons.
First, because he felt like hehad worked for a lot of years
and, and he had, I mean, hestarted working at 16 and worked
all the way through, except forthat, nine months when the
retirement didn't work for him,but he worked pretty much his
(19:39):
whole life.
And he kind of felt like.
He was owed those socialsecurity checks.
And also he was diagnosed withearly onset Parkinson's in his
early 40s.
So he wanted to make sure thathe had enough.
Money saved up in his retirementinvestments and social security
benefits to make sure that hecould pay his medical bills and
(20:00):
retirement.
So he wanted those socialsecurity payments to be as high
as he could get them and hecould do that by working until
66.
So he postponed retirement.
He absolutely could have retiredearlier from that second career,
but he wanted to wait until hewas 66 so he could get.
the maximum social securitybenefits.
(20:21):
He retired on July 10th andmoved back to Boise at the end
of July and he lived with Mikeand me for about 5 months
because the house that he wasbuilding was not yet.
Completed and we had a greattime living with him for those
five months.
We did all sorts of fun thingsin the summer and the fall.
And we also talked a lot aboutwhat he wanted to do in
(20:42):
retirement.
He was a big golfer, wanted togolf five days a week.
Wanted to get back into snowskiing because he was moving
back to Idaho.
Wanted to take up fly fishing.
He was a drummer in high schooland wanted to join a garage band
with some old time guys andmaybe even write some music for
the band to play.
He wanted to travel to Europe,because he had never made it to
(21:02):
Europe.
And he had all these ideas ofexperiences that he wanted to
have in retirement.
Well, he retired on his birthdayon July 10th of 2015, and then
he had a heart attack and diedon December 26th of 2015.
So those social security checksthat he was so worried about
getting?
Those, those social securitychecks that you wanted them to
be as high as possible.
(21:22):
He received five of them.
And not only did he just receivefive of them, he postponed his
retirement and all the things hewanted to do in retirement.
Learn how to fly fish, golfevery day, travel to Europe,
join a garage band.
Everything he wanted to do inretirement, everything he was
(21:44):
looking forward to.
He didn't get to do any of it.
If he would have taken BillPerkins advice, he could have
actually spent the last, I don'tknow, 10 years probably, having
the experiences that he wantedto have, making the memories
that he wanted to experience.
He could have done all of thatinstead of working full time,
(22:04):
retiring at 66 and then dying 5months later.
And that's the thing.
I mean, none of us really knowif we're going to have a long
retirement.
None of us know what the qualityof our life is going to be at
that point.
And Bill Perkins says, and Iagree with him.
And frankly, many of the womenwho read the book as part of
(22:25):
the, our book club discussionagreed that what he's talking
about in the book.
By reading that book, we havechanged the way that we are
living, that we are trying toinfuse more of those experiences
that we want to have right now,instead of delaying them,
instead of putting them off.
And what I've found with myselfand my coaching clients is once
(22:46):
you figure out what you want andwhat your best life looks like,
then You actually work lessbecause you understand what
you're working for.
You understand when enough isenough.
You understand what the dollarslook like that will support the
type of life that you want tolive.
Because you're already startingto do that right now.
(23:08):
You're not waiting untilretirement.
You're not waiting until thekids leave the house.
You're not waiting until somedayor this perfect idea that, you
know, everything is going to beright and all the stars are
going to align.
And of course, you're going toknow that now is the time to do
the damn thing.
Spoiler alert, there is no suchtime that will ever be the right
time.
(23:29):
You're not going to receive thesign that you're looking for.
So I'm telling you, if you donothing else in 2025, start
figuring out what your best lifelooks like and start living that
right now.
Stop delaying it, stop puttingit off.
And frankly, as high performingmidlife women, you also need to
(23:49):
hear this.
You need to have more fun inyour life.
You need to do things thatexcite you and bring you
fulfillment and joy and thingsyou like to do.
Not because your family wants todo them, not because somebody
expects you to do them, butbecause you want to do them.
So many of us, when, when I askmy clients, what, what do you
(24:11):
want?
They don't know and that's notuncommon.
Most of us don't know causewe've never been asked and
because we've never been asked,we've never actually thought
about it.
We just, we got to work on thatgood girl success checklist
because we thought that was whatwe were expected to do.
And related to that, we justassume that that's what we
(24:33):
should want.
I'm not saying that.
What you've done up until nowthat you haven't wanted to do
it.
But if given the choice, wouldyou want to do everything that's
currently on your plate for thenext five or 10 years?
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe there are some things thatyou have done in your life that
you're grateful to have had theexperience, but you're ready for
(24:54):
something new.
And of course, if you're someonewho is trying to figure out what
you want to do.
Um, with the rest of your life,you know, how do you want to
spend the second half of yourlife?
If you're trying to figure outwhat that looks like, what your
options are, how you can getstarted right now, that's,
that's exactly what I do with mycoaching clients at the school
(25:15):
of midlife, whether that is oneon one coaching or in our group
coaching program, the gap here,there are a number of great
opportunities.
Get the coaching that you need.
And whether you choose to workwith me at the School of
Midlife, or you choose to workwith another coach, what matters
most to me is that you receivethe support that you need.
(25:38):
Because you deserve to live alife that you love.
You deserve to live your verybest life in midlife.
You have been doing all of thethings for everyone else in your
life up until now.
Isn't it time that you camefirst in your own life for a
change.
It's time to figure out whatyour number is, when enough is
(26:00):
enough.
And I'd be honored to help youthrough that process.
As always, I am so grateful foryour time and your support of
the school of midlife podcast.
Thank you so much for being heretoday.
And I will see you right backhere next week when the school
of midlife is back in session..
Until then take good care.
(26:20):
Thank you so much for listeningto the School of Midlife
podcast.
It means so much to have youhere each week.
If you enjoyed this episode,could you do me the biggest
favor and help us spread theword to other midlife women?
There are a couple of easy waysfor you to do that first.
And most importantly, if you'renot already following the show,
(26:41):
would you please subscribe?
That helps you because you'llnever miss an episode.
And it helps us because you'llnever miss an episode.
Second, if you'd be so kind toleave us a five-star rating,
that would be absolutelyincredible.
And finally, I personally readeach and every one of your
reviews.
So if you take a minute and saysome nice things about the
(27:03):
podcast, well, that's just goodkarma.
Thanks again for listening.
I'll see you right back here.
Next week when the School ofMidlife is back in session until
then take good care.
In today's episode of the Schoolof Midlife podcast, we're
talking about knowing yournumber.
We're talking about knowing whenenough is enough so that you
don't just keep working for thesake of working with not a lot
to show for it.
So stay tuned.
Welcome to the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm your host, LaurieReynoldson.
(00:21):
This is the podcast for themidlife woman who starting to
ask herself big life questions.
Like, what do I want?
Is it too late for me?
And what's my legacy beyond myfamily and my work.
Each week we're answering thesequestions and more.
At the School of Midlife, we'relearning all of the life lessons
(00:41):
they didn't teach us in schooland we're figuring out finally
what it is we want to be when wegrow up.
Let's make midlife your bestlife.
Hey friends, it's Laurie.
Welcome back to another episodeof the School of Midlife
podcast.
I am so happy to have you backhere today.
In today's episode, we're goingto talk about knowing your
(01:04):
number, understanding whenenough is enough, and
essentially trying to figure outwhat is it that we are striving
for at this point in our lives?
Because if you are like mosthigh performing women, you've
had a pretty damn successfullife up until now.
You've, you've done amazingthings.
In the workplace, you've doneamazing things at home, and
(01:28):
there is still this niggle,there's still this feeling that
for some reason we still need tobe doing a little bit more.
I don't know if you can relateto that or not, but I've been
having a lot of conversationwith friends and clients lately,
and it just feels like there isthis, Ever present need to do
(01:52):
more that, yes, what we havedone to this point is it's
great.
Yay us, but there's this feelingthat we must keep pressing.
We must keep moving forward.
We must keep striving andachieving so that we can
somehow, I guess, arrive at apoint in the future when we will
(02:15):
finally know that enough isenough, right?
That we have finally met thenumber that we think we should
have in our 401k so that we canretire.
We will finally see the numberon the scale that proves to us
that we look good enough to weara bikini on a beach vacation.
We'll receive something fromour, I don't know, our kids
(02:38):
college, or maybe they landtheir first big job.
And that will somehow prove tous that we have been good
parents.
We have, as high performingmidlife women, we have this, I
don't, I'm not going to call ita problem, we have this issue of
Continually thinking that weneed to be better, faster,
(02:58):
smaller, richer, like Everythingthat we have done up until now
is, is fine, but we still havethis internal desire, this
internal drive, this internalvoice that tells us that we have
to keep going, that where we areright now isn't enough for us.
If you're anything like me, youmight think.
(03:20):
Well, in order to figure outwhat I'm supposed to do next, I
just need to add a little bitmore to my to do list.
I mean, for, for years, I usedto think that the life that I
was looking for was on the otherside of another checklist.
Oh, I just have to finish these15 things and then I will
(03:42):
finally feel like I amsuccessful or that I am
fulfilled or I, I will have thatever present happiness that,
that, that kind of settled joythat I expect to find, you know,
that fulfillment, satisfaction.
And I learned a while ago,actually, that That's, that's
(04:03):
not actually how this works.
You don't need to add any moreto your to do list.
I mean, I, I would always tellmyself that I would feel a
certain way after the nextpromotion, or after I reached
the next milestone, or completedthe next endurance event, or
whatever the next thing was inmy head.
(04:23):
And certainly, once I did, Getthat promotion or reach the
milestone or finish the event.
There, there was always thissense of pride and
accomplishment because I, I haddone the damn thing, but I'll
tell you, it was almost alwaysfleeting.
It was never that whole lifecontentment or calm.
(04:45):
The, the joy, the happiness, thefulfillment that I was looking
for.
It was, it was almost like that,those feelings of satisfaction
and fulfillment.
And they, they just continued toescape me, like I couldn't quite
get there.
So in my mind, okay, then I'mjust going to need to add more
to my to do list or I'm going toneed to work harder.
(05:07):
So I was in this constant cycleof.
Working harder, adding more tothe to do list, running further,
taking on more projects.
I, I was living every single daylike I was crazy busy.
And even worse than that, I waswearing that crazy busy as like
a badge of honor.
(05:27):
Kind of like, look at me, lookat how important I am.
Look at how busy I am.
And I was equating my busy nesswith worth.
I was equating that busy nesswith success.
look at me.
Look at how important I am thatno one else can do this job this
way I can't delegate or handthings off because I can do this
(05:51):
the best and on some level Ifeel like I am proving my worth
because look at how much I'vebeen doing and I'll tell you
what I filled my time withpeople And activities, and to
dos, if anybody needed help witha project, I would take it on.
(06:12):
If anybody needed someone tostay late at work, I was always
there to do that.
I had this underlying desire tohave the highest billable hours
every month, which is so stupid.
I mean, yeah, as an attorney.
You are judged at the end ofevery year on the number of
(06:33):
hours you bill, you know,there's, there's a minimum
number that you have to reachand bonuses are, are arguably
tied to the number of hours youbill, but not really.
I mean, yeah, you might get acouple extra thousand dollars if
you overbill, but.
At least in the law firm settingwhere I was, the real cherry on
(06:54):
top, the, where you would getthe most bang for your buck.
That was bringing in newbusiness and it had nothing to
do with how many hours you buildon that file.
It was how much business can youbring in, spread it around and
keep bringing more business inbecause you, you did better with
origination fees than you didactually just doing the rote
legal work.
(07:15):
You certainly, you had to billyour minimum billable hours, but
anything above that, I think it,it felt better to me than it
actually looked on paper.
I mean, I, I wasn't gettinganything out of it.
and I know that I'm not alone inthat because as high performing
midlife women, we seem to thinkthat we're going to find the,
(07:36):
Fulfillment that we're lookingfor, or the satisfaction that
we're looking for, or thefeeling of worthiness or
enoughness.
This kind of ties back to what Italked about in last week's
episode.
Episode number 100.
Yep, we've made it.
100 episodes.
This whole idea that until wechange our mindset, about
(07:57):
ourselves, that it doesn'tmatter how much we do, it will
never be enough.
Women, and I've done it, and myclients do it, my friends do it,
but this, we all have approachedlife with this idea that I'll
finally find that happiness andfulfillment and satisfaction,
(08:17):
all the things that I'm lookingfor, in the next project, or the
next job, or the next marriage,or the next fill in the blank,
because we all have differentlists, and because we haven't
found it yet, then we go back tothat, call it a good girl
checklist, or the successchecklist, or the adulting
(08:38):
checklist, Whatever you want todo, but the, the checklist that
we were raised, that you go toschool and you get a job and you
buy a home and you get marriedand you raise a family and you
get promoted and, and you staythe course and at every
junction, you get to.
Put a little check mark by thething on the checklist, the
thing that we seem to think isthe most important for us to
(09:02):
feel valued, for us to finallyfeel the way we thought we would
feel.
And we're doing that because wethought it was expected of us.
I have a question to ask youthough.
Which is if we've already doneeverything we were supposed to
do, you know, that go to school,get a job, buy a house,
everything on the checklist,then why is it we don't feel
(09:25):
like we expected to feel?
I think one of the biggestmistakes that high performing
midlife women make is we'retrying to figure out how to make
the second half of our liveshappier and more fulfilling, but
we keep repeating the samepatterns of overwork and
overwhelm because we keep addingmore to our to do list.
(09:47):
We keep filling our plate withall of the things for all of the
other people in our lives,whether that's our family, at
work, our friends in thecommunity.
I mean, does any of this soundfamiliar?
I'm sure it does because we doit all the time.
It's also why we keep hittingthe same roadblocks and
(10:07):
plateaus, right?
We Receive another accolade, wehit another career milestone,
achieve the next big thing, andthe first time we do it, we feel
so proud.
And there is some subconsciouslevel that we believe, you know
what, now that we've done this,we'll finally feel like we've
(10:28):
arrived.
We'll finally feel like we'remaking our parents proud.
We will finally feel like wedeserve the promotion or that
what we are doing is worthy ofapproval.
But here's the thing, thatdoesn't happen, right?
I mean, yeah, we, we might getsome small bonus at work.
They might throw a party in ourhonor.
Um, and then when you try andrepeat it the next time, that
(10:58):
feeling of success, that feelingof approval.
Once you reach it, it's goneeven faster than it was the
first time.
So we find ourselves in thisconstant state of state, a
bigger, better goal, and thenwork damn hard to achieve it
and, and, and then actuallyachieve it and then immediately
move on to the next somethingthat's bigger or better.
(11:21):
And we do that not because.
We feel like there's no gettingoff the hamster wheel or the
treadmill, but we believe thatthe life we want is on the other
side of another checklist oranother to do list.
It's just that we haven't doneall the things that we thought
we needed to do.
(11:43):
But here's something that youprobably haven't thought of.
We keep moving the goal line.
And what I mean by that is wekeep moving the finish line.
We keep moving the number thatwe need in our deposit accounts
so that we can retire.
We keep moving the top of thejob ladder.
(12:04):
That we keep climbing becauseevery time we get promoted and
we expect to feel a certain waywhen we reach that goal or
milestone, but we don't, so wethink we need to do more and
it's this constant battle, thisconstant struggle of more, more,
more, and there's no enoughness.
There's no feeling like we'vearrived.
(12:27):
We just keep pushing for more,pushing for better, pushing for
bigger.
I know I've talked about myfavorite quote by Albert
Einstein a lot on this podcast,but remember he said that the
definition of insanity is doingthe same thing over and over and
expecting a different result.
As midlife women, we do that allthe time because we think that
(12:49):
that feeling of enoughness isgoing to show up after the next
promotion, or after we start thenext company, or after we earn
another degree, or morecredentials, or have more more
letters, after our, our name andour signature block.
After we lose the last 15pounds, after the next
milestone, birthday oranniversary, once we retire, we
(13:12):
just keep thinking.
I'll finally get there when.
But because we don't actuallyunderstand what it is we're
working for, we're never goingto feel the way we want and
expect to feel by adding more tothat to do list, to that
checklist.
(13:33):
Here's what I mean by that.
The checklist was never ours.
If we go back to that good girl,success checklist, whatever you
want to call it, that was givento us by our parents and
society.
And as the diligent workers thatwe were, we just got to work on
making that our reality.
We just got to work.
(13:53):
I mean, most of us worked whilewe were in college and worked as
hard as we could to get out ofcollege as soon as we could so
that we could get to work makingmoney because we were expected
to earn a degree and then gomake some money, right?
So we did what we thought wewere supposed to do.
(14:15):
We went to the best school thatwe could get into.
We studied and earned degrees.
We interviewed for a number ofdifferent jobs.
And we took the one that wantedto pay us the most.
So, at that point, we werealready in motion on fulfilling
the success checklist.
But here's the problem withthat.
(14:36):
It was never our checklist tobegin with.
We never took a step back tofigure out, is what I actually
want?
My life to be is anythingrelated to that checklist also
related to what I want?
Because I'm going to tell youthat Knowing what you want and
and that's what you actuallywant Not what you've been
(14:58):
conditioned to want not whatyour parents have told you to
want not what society tells youto want Not what you should
want, but what it is youactually want.
Knowing what you actually wantis the only way that you can
create and live your best life.
It's the only way to get It'sthe only way that you're going
(15:20):
to feel the fulfillment, feelthe satisfaction, feel the
happiness, experience the joyfor the long term.
Yeah, there might be some quickhits of excitement, pride, but
in the long run, doing moreisn't the answer.
In fact, In my opinion, doingless is the key.
(15:41):
So instead of going to thatchecklist and adding more to it,
thinking that you're going tofinally feel what you are
expecting to feel, instead ofdoing that, the key is do, do
things differently.
Figure out what it is youactually want.
Figure out how you definesuccess.
Figure out if you had theopportunity to live your best
(16:04):
life, what does that look like?
And then once you know what youwant, what success means to you,
what your best life looks like,then get busy making that your
reality.
Fill your time with people andactivities that Fill your soul
that, that align with thatdefinition of the life you want
(16:25):
to live.
Make it a priority to takebetter care of yourself and do
that first before taking care ofthe needs of others.
And by all means, stop wearingcrazy busy, like a badge of
honor.
So how do you start doing that?
Uh, last year as part of theYour Next Chapter Book Club, and
(16:45):
yes, the School of Midlife has abook club.
If you don't know about that,I'll drop a clickable link in
the show notes so you can learnmore about it.
But we read books that impactthe way midlife women are living
their life.
And we talk about topics andideas that will help us live
more fully into our purpose andwho we're supposed to be and
(17:07):
make midlife our best life.
but anyway, so last year we readDie With Zero, Getting All You
Can From Your Money and YourLife by Bill Perkins.
And one of the big themes in thebook was that as.
Americans, we have this uniqueability to work longer than we
(17:27):
need to, to save more money thanwe should.
And in the process, we foregomaking experiences, having
experiences, making memories.
It's really experiencing lifeand doing the things that we
want to do.
We put that off because we thinkthat we have to earn more and we
have to save more and we have topass down a lot of money to our
(17:50):
children.
And Bill Perkins idea is.
Everyone's goal should be tomaximize the amount of
experiences that we can have atthe time in our lives when we
can enjoy them, because a lot ofpeople decide, you know what,
I'm going to do all these thingswhen I retire and so when they
are able bodied and they couldactually be going and having
(18:13):
more experiences.
They spend the time behind adesk to make a bunch of money,
to save a bunch of money so thatthey can have this great
retirement.
And then they get to retirementand before they know it, they've
got a physical ailment or theydon't move as well as they used
to, or they find that they'veput off.
All of the things that theywanted to do to save them for
(18:34):
retirement.
And then they don't have theretirement that they expected to
have.
My dad is definitely someone whocould have benefited by reading
Die With Zero.
If you've been around thepodcast for a while, you've
heard me talk about my dadbefore, but for those of you who
haven't, my dad was my person.
He, he was definitely the parentwho I look to for all of the
(18:57):
things.
Retired from his second careeron his 66th birthday because he
wanted to maximize his socialsecurity benefits.
And yes, I said second careerbecause he tried early
retirement in his 40s.
That didn't stick because hedidn't really have an idea of
what he wanted to do inretirement and he got a little
bored so he went back to work.
(19:18):
He retired from his secondcareer on his 66th birthday.
He wanted to maximize thosesocial security benefits for a
couple reasons.
First, because he felt like hehad worked for a lot of years
and, and he had, I mean, hestarted working at 16 and worked
all the way through, except forthat, nine months when the
retirement didn't work for him,but he worked pretty much his
(19:39):
whole life.
And he kind of felt like.
He was owed those socialsecurity checks.
And also he was diagnosed withearly onset Parkinson's in his
early 40s.
So he wanted to make sure thathe had enough.
Money saved up in his retirementinvestments and social security
benefits to make sure that hecould pay his medical bills and
(20:00):
retirement.
So he wanted those socialsecurity payments to be as high
as he could get them and hecould do that by working until
66.
So he postponed retirement.
He absolutely could have retiredearlier from that second career,
but he wanted to wait until hewas 66 so he could get.
the maximum social securitybenefits.
(20:21):
He retired on July 10th andmoved back to Boise at the end
of July and he lived with Mikeand me for about 5 months
because the house that he wasbuilding was not yet.
Completed and we had a greattime living with him for those
five months.
We did all sorts of fun thingsin the summer and the fall.
And we also talked a lot aboutwhat he wanted to do in
(20:42):
retirement.
He was a big golfer, wanted togolf five days a week.
Wanted to get back into snowskiing because he was moving
back to Idaho.
Wanted to take up fly fishing.
He was a drummer in high schooland wanted to join a garage band
with some old time guys andmaybe even write some music for
the band to play.
He wanted to travel to Europe,because he had never made it to
(21:02):
Europe.
And he had all these ideas ofexperiences that he wanted to
have in retirement.
Well, he retired on his birthdayon July 10th of 2015, and then
he had a heart attack and diedon December 26th of 2015.
So those social security checksthat he was so worried about
getting?
Those, those social securitychecks that you wanted them to
be as high as possible.
(21:22):
He received five of them.
And not only did he just receivefive of them, he postponed his
retirement and all the things hewanted to do in retirement.
Learn how to fly fish, golfevery day, travel to Europe,
join a garage band.
Everything he wanted to do inretirement, everything he was
(21:44):
looking forward to.
He didn't get to do any of it.
If he would have taken BillPerkins advice, he could have
actually spent the last, I don'tknow, 10 years probably, having
the experiences that he wantedto have, making the memories
that he wanted to experience.
He could have done all of thatinstead of working full time,
(22:04):
retiring at 66 and then dying 5months later.
And that's the thing.
I mean, none of us really knowif we're going to have a long
retirement.
None of us know what the qualityof our life is going to be at
that point.
And Bill Perkins says, and Iagree with him.
And frankly, many of the womenwho read the book as part of
(22:25):
the, our book club discussionagreed that what he's talking
about in the book.
By reading that book, we havechanged the way that we are
living, that we are trying toinfuse more of those experiences
that we want to have right now,instead of delaying them,
instead of putting them off.
And what I've found with myselfand my coaching clients is once
(22:46):
you figure out what you want andwhat your best life looks like,
then You actually work lessbecause you understand what
you're working for.
You understand when enough isenough.
You understand what the dollarslook like that will support the
type of life that you want tolive.
Because you're already startingto do that right now.
(23:08):
You're not waiting untilretirement.
You're not waiting until thekids leave the house.
You're not waiting until somedayor this perfect idea that, you
know, everything is going to beright and all the stars are
going to align.
And of course, you're going toknow that now is the time to do
the damn thing.
Spoiler alert, there is no suchtime that will ever be the right
time.
(23:29):
You're not going to receive thesign that you're looking for.
So I'm telling you, if you donothing else in 2025, start
figuring out what your best lifelooks like and start living that
right now.
Stop delaying it, stop puttingit off.
And frankly, as high performingmidlife women, you also need to
(23:49):
hear this.
You need to have more fun inyour life.
You need to do things thatexcite you and bring you
fulfillment and joy and thingsyou like to do.
Not because your family wants todo them, not because somebody
expects you to do them, butbecause you want to do them.
So many of us, when, when I askmy clients, what, what do you
(24:11):
want?
They don't know and that's notuncommon.
Most of us don't know causewe've never been asked and
because we've never been asked,we've never actually thought
about it.
We just, we got to work on thatgood girl success checklist
because we thought that was whatwe were expected to do.
And related to that, we justassume that that's what we
(24:33):
should want.
I'm not saying that.
What you've done up until nowthat you haven't wanted to do
it.
But if given the choice, wouldyou want to do everything that's
currently on your plate for thenext five or 10 years?
Maybe, maybe not.
Maybe there are some things thatyou have done in your life that
you're grateful to have had theexperience, but you're ready for
(24:54):
something new.
And of course, if you're someonewho is trying to figure out what
you want to do.
Um, with the rest of your life,you know, how do you want to
spend the second half of yourlife?
If you're trying to figure outwhat that looks like, what your
options are, how you can getstarted right now, that's,
that's exactly what I do with mycoaching clients at the school
(25:15):
of midlife, whether that is oneon one coaching or in our group
coaching program, the gap here,there are a number of great
opportunities.
Get the coaching that you need.
And whether you choose to workwith me at the School of
Midlife, or you choose to workwith another coach, what matters
most to me is that you receivethe support that you need.
(25:38):
Because you deserve to live alife that you love.
You deserve to live your verybest life in midlife.
You have been doing all of thethings for everyone else in your
life up until now.
Isn't it time that you camefirst in your own life for a
change.
It's time to figure out whatyour number is, when enough is
(26:00):
enough.
And I'd be honored to help youthrough that process.
As always, I am so grateful foryour time and your support of
the school of midlife podcast.
Thank you so much for being heretoday.
And I will see you right backhere next week when the school
of midlife is back in session..
Until then take good care.
(26:20):
Thank you so much for listeningto the School of Midlife
podcast.
It means so much to have youhere each week.
If you enjoyed this episode,could you do me the biggest
favor and help us spread theword to other midlife women?
There are a couple of easy waysfor you to do that first.
And most importantly, if you'renot already following the show,
(26:41):
would you please subscribe?
That helps you because you'llnever miss an episode.
And it helps us because you'llnever miss an episode.
Second, if you'd be so kind toleave us a five-star rating,
that would be absolutelyincredible.
And finally, I personally readeach and every one of your
reviews.
So if you take a minute and saysome nice things about the
(27:03):
podcast, well, that's just goodkarma.
Thanks again for listening.
I'll see you right back here.
Next week when the School ofMidlife is back in session until
then take good care.
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