February 18, 2025 • 34 mins
Remember when you first started dating? When you'd spend all night on the telephone...talking about everything and nothing at all?
And now that you're in the midlife transition, not only does it feel like you have nothing at all to talk about with your spouse, but it also feels like the intimacy and affection are gone.
In this episode, Laure shares three simple ways to get the affection and intimacy back...even when you're feeling cringey and full of meno-rage, when you're screaming on the inside, but smiling on the outside.
LINKS + MENTIONS:
📩 JOIN MY MAILING LIST
https://www.schoolofmidlife.com/newsletter
👉 CONNECT WITH LAURIE:
📩 Email Laurie
💻 Website
On Instagram
On LinkedIn
Work with Laurie
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Well, hey friends, it's Lauriewelcome back to another episode
of the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm just going to come cleanwith you.
You can probably hear it, but Iprobably sound a little
different today.
And that's because I'm travelingand just having fits and starts
with my podcasting equipment.
So instead of forcing you tosuffer through an episode with
really subpar audio, what Ithought I'd do is post a replay
(00:26):
of one of the most downloadedepisodes that we've ever had at
the School of Midlife.
And since we are fresh off ofValentine's Day last week, this
episode includes so many greatreminders about how we should be
showing up in our relationshipsAll the time and not just on
Valentine's Day.
So enjoy this replay.
It's chock full of informationthat we should be thinking about
(00:50):
all the time.
Enjoy it.
And I will be back with a brandnew fresh episode for you next
week.
Welcome to the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm your host, LaurieReynoldson.
This is the podcast for themidlife woman who starting to
ask herself big life questions.
Like, what do I want?
Is it too late for me?
(01:11):
And what's my legacy beyond myfamily and my work.
Each week we're answering thesequestions and more.
At the School of Midlife, we'relearning all of the life lessons
they didn't teach us in schooland we're figuring out finally
what it is we want to be when wegrow up.
Let's make midlife your bestlife.
(01:34):
Hey friends.
Welcome.
Back to the School of Midlifepodcast in today's episode.
I am going to answer a questionthat was posed over on the,
what?
The menopause social media page.
If you aren't familiar with myfriend, Jessica, over at what?
(01:55):
The menopause you should befollowing her.
She has all sorts of fantastictools and information as it
relates to the menopausaltransition in midlife.
You know, a lot of times here atthe School of Midlife, we, we
don't spend a lot of timetalking about.
Hot flashes and menopausalchange.
And am I having a midlifecrisis?
(02:15):
Because there are so many otherpeople that are doing that
better.
I like to focus on how you cancreate mid-life your best life.
And leave the fitness and theeating and the hot flashes to,
to the experts.
Right.
Um, At the School of Midlife, webelieve that midlife is way more
(02:37):
than menopause and midlifecrises.
So we let the other experts talkabout hormonal transitions and
hot flashes and things likethat.
And.
Over at whatthemenopause Jessicais doing that beautifully.
So I will post a link to hersocial media there.
And if you're not following her,go give her a follow.
(02:57):
Um, anyway, one of her followersasked, how do you keep affection
and connection alive in amarriage when you're feeling all
cringy and menopause?
Ragey when, when you'rescreaming on the inside, but
feeling like you have to force asmile on the outside.
And she wasn't talking aboutsex, but more like, how do you
(03:18):
get the intimacy and theconnection and affection back
when like all your going throughall of this menopause
transition.
And you just want to scream atyour partner.
I thought this question wasfantastic.
So I thought that I would give alittle School of Midlife spin to
it.
Let's start by saying anyone whotells you that marriage is easy,
(03:42):
I think is lying.
In my opinion, the easiest thingis getting to the altar.
And pretty much everything afterthat is difficult or it can be
difficult.
It doesn't have to be, butgetting married is the easy
part.
Um, But Also, can we just offera quick, thanks that Pinterest,
(04:03):
wasn't a thing when most of usgot married.
I don't know if you've spent anytime over there lately, but if
you get married now and some ofyou actually are probably
experiencing this because yourdaughters are getting married,
but.
According to wedding byPinterest, you have to have
matching outfits forbachelorette parties.
And it feels like there's adestination, everything super
(04:26):
expensive, gobs and gobs ofmoney being spent on the
wedding.
And pre-wedding festivities.
You have make sure thateverything is.
Social media ready as far asbeing able to click photos
everywhere, it just.
I for 1:00 AM super glad thatPinterest, wasn't a thing in
2003, when Mike and I married.
(04:47):
Um, Kind of like, I'm alsograteful that social media
didn't exist when we were incollege, but in any way, Let's
just suffice it to say that,getting to the altar: that's the
easy part, because you're still,everything is still new about
your relationship.
You're still in that honeymoonperiod, and everything is so
exciting.
(05:08):
And part of that is becauseyou're learning new things about
your partner.
If you're feeling a littleangsty in your marriage or your
long-term relationship, It'sprobably because you've been in
that marriage relationship for awhile.
Because affection is notgenerally an issue early on in
the relationship.
Do you know what I mean?
I mean, usually there's plentyof physical touch and affection
(05:31):
and oftentimes, we might mistakeor confuse that physicality.
With intimacy.
Now I'm not a relationship orsex coach, but, one I'm gonna
share with you today.
I've learned from coaching, alot of midlife women.
When women think intimacy, theythink deep connection.
(05:53):
They think conversation, theythink feeling seen by their
spouse.
Men on the other hand, when theythink intimacy, they think sex,
or at least some sort ofphysical touch arousal.
I mean, it all pretty much comesback to sex, right?
So there's a physicality pieceto intimacy for men.
(06:15):
But for women, it's more of anemotional connection.
And for women in particular,they generally need to have that
emotional connection before theywant the physical act.
This.
Is especially true after decadesof marriage.
So circling back to the questionat hand is how can you keep the
(06:36):
affection alive in your marriagewhen you're in that menopausal
transition.
And you're feeling all the meno-rage.
And the last thing you want todo is have sex because you don't
feel like there's any affectionor connection with your partner.
I think there are three ways toget back the intimacy and
affection.
(06:56):
And that's what we're going totalk about today.
Okay.
Those three are communication,expectations and focus that's in
no particular order.
Let's just start talking aboutthem.
So we'll start withcommunication.
I would ask yourself if you'renot feeling that there's much
intimacy or affection in yourrelationship.
(07:18):
What are you talking with yourpartner about now?
The longer we're in arelationship with someone, the
less, we seem to talk with them.
We talk to them a lot, butoftentimes not with them.
And there's a difference.
Do you remember when you firststarted dating how those early
(07:40):
dates were centered on talking?
And there were long telephonecall conversations about
everything.
And nothing, you were just happyto talk to him just for the sake
of talking.
And there were some coffee datesthat turned into lunch dates
because you just, you.
You kept talking.
It was like, you could talkabout everything.
(08:02):
Or maybe you had a dinner dateand finally they came over and
they said, you know what, we'reclosing down the restaurant.
You need to move somewhere else.
And so that conversation.
Maybe you took it to a bar.
You just, you, you talked wellafter midnight and there, there
was so much talking.
There was so much communication.
There was so much curiosity.
(08:23):
Like you just couldn't learnenough about one another.
But at some point that changed.
Didn't it.
Like at some point you noticedthat you spent less time talking
to each other.
And that's fun.
Curiosity from early on in therelationship.
It became a little more.
(08:44):
Transactional.
Like, instead of talking withyour partner, you were talking
to your partner because you wereso focused on keeping small
humans alive and the weeklyschedule and who was going to
pick up whom from what activity?
And what work dinner washappening this week.
(09:04):
Instead of the curiosity wemoved to the logistical.
Right.
So instead of talking with ourpartners, then we just started
talking to them about thingsthat had to happen during the
day.
I don't know if you ever sawthat Seinfeld episode where
Kramer was talking aboutmarriage and he was telling
(09:25):
Jerry not to get married.
It's a trap.
I think he said something alongthe lines of it's a prison.
And you cannot eat dinner infront of the TV anymore because
at dinner that's when you haveto talk about your day and you
say things like, how was yourday?
Was it a good day?
Was it a bad day?
I don't know.
(09:45):
How was your day today?
And.
His bit went on like that.
And obviously there's somehyperbole there, but there's
also a little truth in there.
Isn't that?
Right?
I mean.
We move beyond the curiosity tothe familiar.
Or to the mundane.
And we just get to this pointwhere it's so transactional.
(10:09):
And when we lose that curiositywe move to transactional.
And when we'd been married along time.
It also seems like we havetrouble with deeper more
meaningful topics.
We typically avoid having toughconversations.
Because we don't want to hurtsomeone's feelings.
(10:33):
Maybe we don't want to expressour opinions or our preferences,
especially if those have changedover time.
Um, maybe we're not.
Comfortable setting boundariesin the relationships.
Especially where therepreviously haven't been any
boundaries.
Here's an interesting fact.
I've talked to so many women whotell me their spouses think
(10:55):
they're having a midlife crisis.
Not because they are.
And of course, if you're alongtime listener here at the
School of Midlife, you know,that I don't believe that
there's any such thing as amidlife crisis.
But their spouses think they'rehaving a midlife crisis because
finally.
Maybe for the first time ever inthe relationship.
She's finally setting andholding boundaries in the
(11:18):
relationship.
And those are typically hardthings to talk about.
So instead of talking aboutthem, We just chalk it up to our
spouses, not being supportive,which kills trust and intimacy
in the relationship.
And then you have no affection.
So.
You can pretty easily see thethrough line there.
(11:39):
That if you want to bringintimacy and affection back into
the marriage, you have to startwith communication.
Let's move on to expectations.
You've been together for a longtime.
And over that amount of time,you've developed certain
expectations.
Like we don't need to say thingsout loud anymore.
(12:00):
They should just know.
Anyone guilty of this.
They should just know or.
How many times do I have toremind you to do something?
Like you can see I'm stressed.
You've asked to help out andtake some things off my plate.
But you're not fucking doingthem.
(12:20):
And that's making me morestressed out because I feel like
I have to keep reminding you todo the damn thing.
Why can't you just do it?
Or you said you were going to dothe thing.
You did it.
And you did it wrong.
Which might be that they did itwrong, but it also could be that
(12:40):
they did it differently than howyou would have done it.
If your expectation is.
It needs to be done and they didit then who really cares how
they did it.
If you start noticing that thisis.
A habit or a practice where youasked to have something done and
(13:02):
it's not done the way that youwant.
So you get kind of pissed offabout it.
You might.
Notice, uh, you might strugglewith this at work too, right?
So delegation might not be yourthing.
Personally for me, I have spenta lot of time trying to get
comfortable with delegating.
I'm much better than I used tobe.
(13:22):
But it took me a lot of years.
I mean, I was convinced that noone could do anything as well as
I could.
But here's, what's interestingthat I learned that is if you
give the people the freedom tocome up with a solution.
Don't be surprised if it's justas efficient works just as well,
solves Exactly the same problemas how you would do it.
(13:45):
But they just have done it in adifferent way, so they can still
take some things off your plateand get the thing done.
And it will still be fine.
Even if it's different than whatyou would have done.
I want to bring this back toexpectations.
So our spouses are not mindreaders, so we have to talk to
(14:09):
them.
We have to let them know howwe're feeling.
We have to talk with them aboutwhat they said and what we
heard, because sometimes thosecan be two different things.
They aren't privy to all of thethoughts that we're thinking.
Uh, less, we share them withthem.
(14:31):
And I have to say, we also needto share them at a time when
they're open to receiving them.
Like if his favorite team isplaying for the national
championship, it's probably nota good time to start a
conversation about how he letyou down last week when you had
a fight with your boss at work.
And when you came home thatnight and you were venting to
(14:52):
your husband, He asked you aquestion that made it seem like
he was siding with your boss.
That that did not make you feelhappy.
Couple of things here, though.
If he's watching the game andhis team's playing for the
national championship, he'sprobably not opening to having
this conversation.
When he's watching the game,right.
(15:12):
So don't expect him to stop whathe's doing, because you want to
have a deep, long conversation.
Instead have the conversationwhen you both have time and when
you're both able to focus on theconversation, Sometimes that,
that you might have to put itdown on your calendar, get it
scheduled so that you can havehis full attention and you can
(15:33):
devote your own full attention.
Here's here's another thing.
If you want to talk about aquestion he asked from a week
ago.
Think about this, thatconversations.
You've probably been playingthat in your head on repeat.
You've probably also argued bothsides of that conversation for a
(15:56):
week now.
Right.
I mean, maybe you don't do this.
So many of us do it.
We've replayed this conversationad nauseum, we're ready to
challenge every single responsehe will give us because we've
rehearsed it.
And when I say we, I mean, me.
But, but I don't think I'm alonehere and it's not just because I
(16:16):
was an attorney and I'm used toproviding backup support for all
of my arguments.
It's not just me.
Right?
I mean, women do this.
Men do this too, but not to thesame extent that women do.
Mainly because of ourconditioning.
We were raised to believe, youknow, we're supposed to be the
peacekeepers.
Let's not rock the boat, couchyour opinions in ways that are
(16:40):
easy for people to hear.
If he can't say something niceabout someone, don't say
anything at all.
I mean, I've even been part ofsome organizations that the way
you give feedback is saysomething complimentary first,
then you can add up to twonegatives, but you have to end
on a positive note.
So at work that could look like.
(17:03):
You really dress the part.
You are chronically late.
You missed an important pitchdeadline and you have a nice
smile.
That's dumb.
Right?
I mean, why can't we just saythe thing.
You're not meeting expectations.
You blew that pitch that wouldcover your salary for the year.
You're done.
But instead, that message isburied in an almost passive
(17:25):
aggressive way.
You dress nice.
Your work product sucks, but youhave a nice smile.
We're midlife women.
Can we agree that we no longerneed to bury the message, to
wrap it up with a pretty littlebow that we can just say the
damn thing?
Whether that's at work.
(17:47):
Or like we're talking about hereat home in the most important
relationship in our lifebecause.
You know, when things aren'tgoing well at home that spills
over into every other part ofyour life.
If you are avoidingconversations at home, You feel
(18:08):
it everywhere else and youcannot get it out of your head.
It's constantly on repeat So, soback to the conversation that
you wanted to have.
I'm not saying don't have theconversation, but maybe don't
wait a week to have it.
If you can hash it out in themoment, but.
(18:30):
If, if that, if the moment istoo heated, If it's not a good
time to talk about it, maybetake a time out.
Come back to it in an hour or sowhen the emotions are less
charged.
Maybe sleep on it.
But rehashing it over and overagain.
Especially if you were the onlyone in the conversation and it's
(18:52):
happening in your head.
It's not doing either of you anygood.
And here's the thing.
He probably doesn't even knowthat it's an issue.
He hasn't paid it any moreattention and he has moved on.
So hear me when I say this.
You have to verbalize yourexpectations.
(19:12):
You have to tell your spousewhat you want from them.
What you expect from them?
How you're feeling.
They cannot read your mind, eventhough you've been married a
long time, even though you'vebeen in this long-term
relationship.
Maybe, especially because you'vebeen in such a long-term
relationship.
(19:33):
There is a lot that has happenedsince you first got married.
You have personally grown up andchanged.
He has probably changed alsosince you first got together.
You've likely had differentexperiences, but also some
similar experiences.
But you cannot keep expectingyour spouse to know what you
(19:56):
haven't told them.
And telling them once probablywon't make it stick.
So for the sake of the marriageand your sanity.
And to up the level of affectionand intimacy, talk about your
expectations.
Be clear.
Be open, be honest.
It will help tremendously.
(20:18):
Finally, let's talk about focus.
We've talked about this beforeon the podcast that whatever you
are looking for, you will find.
So, what that means here is ifyou are looking for ways that
your partner is pissing you offor not showing up for you, you
will find them.
If you are keeping score.
(20:41):
And any scorekeepers out there,you know, you are, you're
constantly making note of whatyou've done versus what your
spouse has done.
And you're tallying it all up atthe end of the day or the end of
the week.
Let's see.
I did the grocery shopping.
I paid the bills.
I made sure that all the travelarrangements were made to take
the kids back to college.
(21:01):
I ordered flowers for yourmother's birthday.
Those were all on my list.
On your list.
Take out the garbage mow, thelawn and order flowers for your
mother's birthday.
But then you forgot.
And I had to do it.
But keeping score.
That doesn't actually makeanyone feel better.
(21:23):
It's a zero sum game.
There are no winners.
They're just a bunch of losersin that game.
So we need to change the waythat we are focusing on our
marriage and our long-termrelationship.
The whole idea of what we get iswhat we've been looking for.
(21:44):
That's that's confirmation bias.
You might've heard ofconfirmation bias before, but
it's this tendency to seek out.
Or interpret.
Or remember information orevents, things that were said
that confirm our existingbeliefs or expectations.
(22:04):
So what we're thinking.
And it confirms those thingswhile dismissing or overlooking
or sometimes forgetting.
Uh, Other contradictory evidenceor evidence that doesn't support
what we think.
So how does this work in ourmarriage?
Well, we selectively noticebehaviors that align with our
(22:25):
current thinking about ourspouse.
And those can be positive.
Or they can be negative.
Interestingly, the longer we'remarried, the more likely it is
that our default filter, thething that we fall back on most
often.
As we look for the negative.
(22:46):
How are you letting me down?
How are you not showing up forme?
Here are a couple of examples.
Why do you want to go spend timewith your buddies at a fantasy
football draft instead of goingto To dinner with me?
And then all the sudden thisbecomes, you Always choose your
friends over me.
And if that's the lens we'reoperating from, then guaranteed,
(23:07):
there will be countless bits ofother evidence that we can find
to support what we're talkingabout, we can make our case,
like.
You get a text from a friend,you always respond immediately.
I texted you and it takes youhours to respond.
If you respond at all.
Your bodies want to grab a drinkon Friday night after work, and
(23:29):
I want to go to dinner onFriday.
You tell me you have a meeting,air-quotes meeting.
Which is I already know is justbeer with your friends.
You tell me you're going to dothat and meet me after.
So if my confirmation biasesthat you always put me last,
then it's going to be super easyfor me to find examples of that
(23:50):
in our lives.
I'm taking the responsibility inthis marriage, your having more
fun than I am, because I'm theone that has to take all of the
responsibility.
Here's another thing.
When we talk about.
What our spouse is doing or notdoing.
Pay careful attention to thelanguage that you use.
(24:11):
If you start using words likealways or never, or all the time
or all the responsibilities.
Whatever I start talking inabsolutes, even if I'm not
saying it out loud.
So I'm thinking this alwayshappens or you never do this.
Then that is a trigger for methat I know I'm going to start
(24:32):
spiraling.
I'm creating a situation whereone may or may not exist.
Most of the time, it's what Ibuilt up in my head.
It's a story I'm telling myselfabout what's really going on.
And it might be true.
But it also might not be truebecause how often do things
always happen?
Or never happen or happen allthe time.
(24:56):
I'm the one who takes on all theresponsibilities.
Is that true?
Probably not, but because I'vespent so much time telling
myself that and working myselfup in my head about that, then
that is what I become tobelieve.
It's this perfect.
Example right of the adage.
(25:16):
Don't believe everything youthink.
Because our thoughts areoftentimes the stories we tell
ourselves to make sense of ourown world, the situation around
us.
We start believing thosethoughts.
We're just believing the storiesthat we're telling ourselves.
And.
They may not be true.
(25:37):
I have to do everything aroundhere.
Well, that's not true, right?
I mean.
For most of us, that's not true.
Your spouse is doing thingsaround here.
You just maybe are choosing notto look at them.
While you're in this spun upmeno-rage feeling.
(25:58):
Here's a real life example.
Mike should know by now that Ihate babies breath.
We've been married 21 years Iasked him a couple of weeks ago
to pick up some flowers at thegrocery store.
I always have cut flowers on mykitchen counter.
It's this lovely indulgence thatmakes me happy.
I have been doing it since evenbefore we got married.
(26:21):
I, I usually buy them.
I pick them out.
I arrange them.
But we were having his parentsover for dinner on a Saturday.
Totally last minute decision.
And garbage day is on Friday andI had thrown away last week's
flowers the day.
before.
his parents were coming over fordinner.
(26:43):
And he needed to go to thegrocery store and grab a couple
of things to finish up what weneeded to cook dinner.
And I said, Hey, can you, canyou pick me up some flowers?
And he comes home with fuckingbaby's breath.
what we needed to cook.
Daddy And I'm thinking tomyself, how is it?
We've been married 21 years.
We have fresh flowers in thekitchen every week.
(27:05):
Not once, has he seen me bringhome?
Baby's breath.
And I started thinking shouldn'the know by now that I don't like
baby's breath.
And I'm thinking about what isit?
But here are my options.
flowers in I can thank him forgoing to the store, an activity
that I don't particularly enjoy.
He did the shopping, grabbed allof the things we needed for
(27:27):
dinner, including the flowersthat I asked him to buy.
So that's one thing I could havedone, been grateful for it.
Thanked him for doing it.
Or I could dwell on the factthat he bought me baby's breath.
Not mentioning it to him.
Creating a story in my headabout how, if he really loved
(27:47):
me.
He would have bought me tulips,which are my favorite, the Or
white lilies.
I love those because they smelllovely and they last at least a
week.
So a lot of white lilies thatare house.
But.
No baby's breath.
I chose to thank him for goingto the store.
(28:08):
For getting the things that weneeded for dinner.
Including flowers that I wouldnever buy for myself.
We did have a conversationabout, Hey, next time, can you
not get baby's breath?
Not my favorite.
Um, kind of messy, just don'treally like it.
And he said, no problem.
It's as simple as that.
week.
So a I could've built it up intothis, you know, created this big
(28:32):
story.
About him not valuing me or notloving me or, but I didn't.
It's so often we can just nip itin the bud.
And it's so much easier.
Here's Something that you canactually do put into practice
that if you're feeling that.
(28:52):
meno-rage, that.
angsty feeling, you know, likeyou're not being seen like the
affection and intimacy you'regone.
Try this.
Each day.
I want you to write down fivethings that your spouse is doing
right.
It could be anything, a biggesture.
Like he surprised With ananniversary trip to Europe that
(29:15):
he booked himself.
W w wait a minute that that'sprobably two grand of gesture,
um, for most of our spouses,because we understand that
planning an entire trip withoutneeding our help to navigate
flights and hotels and tours.
That that doesn't seemreasonable.
If you've got a spouse like thatthen you should be, that should
(29:36):
be number one on your list everyday, you are grateful for the
time and attention that he takesto create something amazing for
you.
But.
Maybe he went ahead and madedinner reservations for your
anniversary.
The dinner or bought you a newapple watch or that beautiful
bracelet that you've beenthinking about.
(29:57):
So grand gestures put that onthe list.
But also put the little thingson the list.
Like maybe he sent you a text,Big presentation at work.
he sends you a text, wishing yougood luck.
Or maybe a text came in.
After you landed the big picturework and it just says, I'm proud
of you.
(30:17):
Or maybe he took out the garbageand the recycling without being
asked or reminded.
Can you imagine?
The list can be big things.
The list can be small things,but the goal is really in the
small things.
But five things that.
your spouse is doing right.
on your I promise you that willchange your focus from how is my
(30:38):
spouse letting me down to thisis what he's doing, right.
And that focus change willremind you why you used to think
he was a good person.
Why you fell in love with him tobegin with.
Why it's important to you torekindle the spark in your
marriage?
All from a little list of fivethings every day.
(31:01):
But don't tell him you're doingthis at least not at first.
And I'll get to that in aminute.
Just keep track on your own.
Five things every day, you'llget to the point where you start
noticing them without having towrite them down.
And you can either keep going atthat point, or you can just
decide, you know what, I've gotthis habit.
Um, I, I'm looking for the Goodthings.
I'm looking for, the things I'mgrateful for.
(31:22):
I'm looking for the ways thathe's showing up for me.
I'll have to do this anymore.
So do it for as long as you needto, or want to.
And then someday, if you'rewilling, Share some of the
things on the list with him.
Tell him how it made you feel.
Tell him why you were gratefulfor it.
And here's what sneaky.
(31:43):
This is, This is incorporatingthe things that we're talking
about today (31:46):
Communication expectations focus.
So when you're talking to him,all three of those.
And the typical outcome here.
right.
Is, he does something for you.
You tell him that you.
like it or appreciate it.
He does it more because he wantsTo make you happy.
(32:07):
It's like this great littlemerry-go-round of goodness.
And you feel more seen andappreciated, which leads to
stronger feelings of intimacyand affection and round and
round.
It goes.
What if it can be that easy?
What if all it Takes to.
add the affection and theintimacy back in your marriage.
(32:29):
What If it's just talking withone another.
And keeping your expectations incheck.
And focusing on the good.
All doable.
Right.
Easy things.
Talk with one another.
Keep your expectations in check.
focus.
on the good.
I'd love to hear how.
Keeping track of five thingsevery day.
(32:49):
I'd love to hear how thatchanges your relationship.
Shoot me a text find me onInstagram, DM me there.
Let me know.
It can be that easy.
I promise.
Here's to putting the affectionand the intimacy back into your
marriage.
I hope you make it a fantasticweek and I will see right back
here next week when the Schoolof Midlife is back in session.
(33:12):
Until then take good care.
Thank you so much for listeningto the School of Midlife
podcast.
It means so much to have youhere each week.
If you enjoyed this episode,could you do me the biggest
favor and help us spread theword to other midlife women?
There are a couple of easy waysfor you to do that first.
(33:32):
And most importantly, if you'renot already following the show,
would you please subscribe?
That helps you because you'llnever miss an episode.
And it helps us because you'llnever miss an episode.
Second, if you'd be so kind toleave us a five-star rating,
that would be absolutelyincredible.
And finally, I personally readeach and every one of your
(33:54):
reviews.
So if you take a minute and saysome nice things about the
podcast, well, that's just goodkarma.
Thanks again for listening.
I'll see you right back here.
Next week when the School ofMidlife is back in session until
then take good care.
Well, hey friends, it's Lauriewelcome back to another episode
of the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm just going to come cleanwith you.
You can probably hear it, but Iprobably sound a little
different today.
And that's because I'm travelingand just having fits and starts
with my podcasting equipment.
So instead of forcing you tosuffer through an episode with
really subpar audio, what Ithought I'd do is post a replay
(00:26):
of one of the most downloadedepisodes that we've ever had at
the School of Midlife.
And since we are fresh off ofValentine's Day last week, this
episode includes so many greatreminders about how we should be
showing up in our relationshipsAll the time and not just on
Valentine's Day.
So enjoy this replay.
It's chock full of informationthat we should be thinking about
(00:50):
all the time.
Enjoy it.
And I will be back with a brandnew fresh episode for you next
week.
Welcome to the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm your host, LaurieReynoldson.
This is the podcast for themidlife woman who starting to
ask herself big life questions.
Like, what do I want?
Is it too late for me?
(01:11):
And what's my legacy beyond myfamily and my work.
Each week we're answering thesequestions and more.
At the School of Midlife, we'relearning all of the life lessons
they didn't teach us in schooland we're figuring out finally
what it is we want to be when wegrow up.
Let's make midlife your bestlife.
(01:34):
Hey friends.
Welcome.
Back to the School of Midlifepodcast in today's episode.
I am going to answer a questionthat was posed over on the,
what?
The menopause social media page.
If you aren't familiar with myfriend, Jessica, over at what?
(01:55):
The menopause you should befollowing her.
She has all sorts of fantastictools and information as it
relates to the menopausaltransition in midlife.
You know, a lot of times here atthe School of Midlife, we, we
don't spend a lot of timetalking about.
Hot flashes and menopausalchange.
And am I having a midlifecrisis?
(02:15):
Because there are so many otherpeople that are doing that
better.
I like to focus on how you cancreate mid-life your best life.
And leave the fitness and theeating and the hot flashes to,
to the experts.
Right.
Um, At the School of Midlife, webelieve that midlife is way more
(02:37):
than menopause and midlifecrises.
So we let the other experts talkabout hormonal transitions and
hot flashes and things likethat.
And.
Over at whatthemenopause Jessicais doing that beautifully.
So I will post a link to hersocial media there.
And if you're not following her,go give her a follow.
(02:57):
Um, anyway, one of her followersasked, how do you keep affection
and connection alive in amarriage when you're feeling all
cringy and menopause?
Ragey when, when you'rescreaming on the inside, but
feeling like you have to force asmile on the outside.
And she wasn't talking aboutsex, but more like, how do you
(03:18):
get the intimacy and theconnection and affection back
when like all your going throughall of this menopause
transition.
And you just want to scream atyour partner.
I thought this question wasfantastic.
So I thought that I would give alittle School of Midlife spin to
it.
Let's start by saying anyone whotells you that marriage is easy,
(03:42):
I think is lying.
In my opinion, the easiest thingis getting to the altar.
And pretty much everything afterthat is difficult or it can be
difficult.
It doesn't have to be, butgetting married is the easy
part.
Um, But Also, can we just offera quick, thanks that Pinterest,
(04:03):
wasn't a thing when most of usgot married.
I don't know if you've spent anytime over there lately, but if
you get married now and some ofyou actually are probably
experiencing this because yourdaughters are getting married,
but.
According to wedding byPinterest, you have to have
matching outfits forbachelorette parties.
And it feels like there's adestination, everything super
(04:26):
expensive, gobs and gobs ofmoney being spent on the
wedding.
And pre-wedding festivities.
You have make sure thateverything is.
Social media ready as far asbeing able to click photos
everywhere, it just.
I for 1:00 AM super glad thatPinterest, wasn't a thing in
2003, when Mike and I married.
(04:47):
Um, Kind of like, I'm alsograteful that social media
didn't exist when we were incollege, but in any way, Let's
just suffice it to say that,getting to the altar: that's the
easy part, because you're still,everything is still new about
your relationship.
You're still in that honeymoonperiod, and everything is so
exciting.
(05:08):
And part of that is becauseyou're learning new things about
your partner.
If you're feeling a littleangsty in your marriage or your
long-term relationship, It'sprobably because you've been in
that marriage relationship for awhile.
Because affection is notgenerally an issue early on in
the relationship.
Do you know what I mean?
I mean, usually there's plentyof physical touch and affection
(05:31):
and oftentimes, we might mistakeor confuse that physicality.
With intimacy.
Now I'm not a relationship orsex coach, but, one I'm gonna
share with you today.
I've learned from coaching, alot of midlife women.
When women think intimacy, theythink deep connection.
(05:53):
They think conversation, theythink feeling seen by their
spouse.
Men on the other hand, when theythink intimacy, they think sex,
or at least some sort ofphysical touch arousal.
I mean, it all pretty much comesback to sex, right?
So there's a physicality pieceto intimacy for men.
(06:15):
But for women, it's more of anemotional connection.
And for women in particular,they generally need to have that
emotional connection before theywant the physical act.
This.
Is especially true after decadesof marriage.
So circling back to the questionat hand is how can you keep the
(06:36):
affection alive in your marriagewhen you're in that menopausal
transition.
And you're feeling all the meno-rage.
And the last thing you want todo is have sex because you don't
feel like there's any affectionor connection with your partner.
I think there are three ways toget back the intimacy and
affection.
(06:56):
And that's what we're going totalk about today.
Okay.
Those three are communication,expectations and focus that's in
no particular order.
Let's just start talking aboutthem.
So we'll start withcommunication.
I would ask yourself if you'renot feeling that there's much
intimacy or affection in yourrelationship.
(07:18):
What are you talking with yourpartner about now?
The longer we're in arelationship with someone, the
less, we seem to talk with them.
We talk to them a lot, butoftentimes not with them.
And there's a difference.
Do you remember when you firststarted dating how those early
(07:40):
dates were centered on talking?
And there were long telephonecall conversations about
everything.
And nothing, you were just happyto talk to him just for the sake
of talking.
And there were some coffee datesthat turned into lunch dates
because you just, you.
You kept talking.
It was like, you could talkabout everything.
(08:02):
Or maybe you had a dinner dateand finally they came over and
they said, you know what, we'reclosing down the restaurant.
You need to move somewhere else.
And so that conversation.
Maybe you took it to a bar.
You just, you, you talked wellafter midnight and there, there
was so much talking.
There was so much communication.
There was so much curiosity.
(08:23):
Like you just couldn't learnenough about one another.
But at some point that changed.
Didn't it.
Like at some point you noticedthat you spent less time talking
to each other.
And that's fun.
Curiosity from early on in therelationship.
It became a little more.
(08:44):
Transactional.
Like, instead of talking withyour partner, you were talking
to your partner because you wereso focused on keeping small
humans alive and the weeklyschedule and who was going to
pick up whom from what activity?
And what work dinner washappening this week.
(09:04):
Instead of the curiosity wemoved to the logistical.
Right.
So instead of talking with ourpartners, then we just started
talking to them about thingsthat had to happen during the
day.
I don't know if you ever sawthat Seinfeld episode where
Kramer was talking aboutmarriage and he was telling
(09:25):
Jerry not to get married.
It's a trap.
I think he said something alongthe lines of it's a prison.
And you cannot eat dinner infront of the TV anymore because
at dinner that's when you haveto talk about your day and you
say things like, how was yourday?
Was it a good day?
Was it a bad day?
I don't know.
(09:45):
How was your day today?
And.
His bit went on like that.
And obviously there's somehyperbole there, but there's
also a little truth in there.
Isn't that?
Right?
I mean.
We move beyond the curiosity tothe familiar.
Or to the mundane.
And we just get to this pointwhere it's so transactional.
(10:09):
And when we lose that curiositywe move to transactional.
And when we'd been married along time.
It also seems like we havetrouble with deeper more
meaningful topics.
We typically avoid having toughconversations.
Because we don't want to hurtsomeone's feelings.
(10:33):
Maybe we don't want to expressour opinions or our preferences,
especially if those have changedover time.
Um, maybe we're not.
Comfortable setting boundariesin the relationships.
Especially where therepreviously haven't been any
boundaries.
Here's an interesting fact.
I've talked to so many women whotell me their spouses think
(10:55):
they're having a midlife crisis.
Not because they are.
And of course, if you're alongtime listener here at the
School of Midlife, you know,that I don't believe that
there's any such thing as amidlife crisis.
But their spouses think they'rehaving a midlife crisis because
finally.
Maybe for the first time ever inthe relationship.
She's finally setting andholding boundaries in the
(11:18):
relationship.
And those are typically hardthings to talk about.
So instead of talking aboutthem, We just chalk it up to our
spouses, not being supportive,which kills trust and intimacy
in the relationship.
And then you have no affection.
So.
You can pretty easily see thethrough line there.
(11:39):
That if you want to bringintimacy and affection back into
the marriage, you have to startwith communication.
Let's move on to expectations.
You've been together for a longtime.
And over that amount of time,you've developed certain
expectations.
Like we don't need to say thingsout loud anymore.
(12:00):
They should just know.
Anyone guilty of this.
They should just know or.
How many times do I have toremind you to do something?
Like you can see I'm stressed.
You've asked to help out andtake some things off my plate.
But you're not fucking doingthem.
(12:20):
And that's making me morestressed out because I feel like
I have to keep reminding you todo the damn thing.
Why can't you just do it?
Or you said you were going to dothe thing.
You did it.
And you did it wrong.
Which might be that they did itwrong, but it also could be that
(12:40):
they did it differently than howyou would have done it.
If your expectation is.
It needs to be done and they didit then who really cares how
they did it.
If you start noticing that thisis.
A habit or a practice where youasked to have something done and
(13:02):
it's not done the way that youwant.
So you get kind of pissed offabout it.
You might.
Notice, uh, you might strugglewith this at work too, right?
So delegation might not be yourthing.
Personally for me, I have spenta lot of time trying to get
comfortable with delegating.
I'm much better than I used tobe.
(13:22):
But it took me a lot of years.
I mean, I was convinced that noone could do anything as well as
I could.
But here's, what's interestingthat I learned that is if you
give the people the freedom tocome up with a solution.
Don't be surprised if it's justas efficient works just as well,
solves Exactly the same problemas how you would do it.
(13:45):
But they just have done it in adifferent way, so they can still
take some things off your plateand get the thing done.
And it will still be fine.
Even if it's different than whatyou would have done.
I want to bring this back toexpectations.
So our spouses are not mindreaders, so we have to talk to
(14:09):
them.
We have to let them know howwe're feeling.
We have to talk with them aboutwhat they said and what we
heard, because sometimes thosecan be two different things.
They aren't privy to all of thethoughts that we're thinking.
Uh, less, we share them withthem.
(14:31):
And I have to say, we also needto share them at a time when
they're open to receiving them.
Like if his favorite team isplaying for the national
championship, it's probably nota good time to start a
conversation about how he letyou down last week when you had
a fight with your boss at work.
And when you came home thatnight and you were venting to
(14:52):
your husband, He asked you aquestion that made it seem like
he was siding with your boss.
That that did not make you feelhappy.
Couple of things here, though.
If he's watching the game andhis team's playing for the
national championship, he'sprobably not opening to having
this conversation.
When he's watching the game,right.
(15:12):
So don't expect him to stop whathe's doing, because you want to
have a deep, long conversation.
Instead have the conversationwhen you both have time and when
you're both able to focus on theconversation, Sometimes that,
that you might have to put itdown on your calendar, get it
scheduled so that you can havehis full attention and you can
(15:33):
devote your own full attention.
Here's here's another thing.
If you want to talk about aquestion he asked from a week
ago.
Think about this, thatconversations.
You've probably been playingthat in your head on repeat.
You've probably also argued bothsides of that conversation for a
(15:56):
week now.
Right.
I mean, maybe you don't do this.
So many of us do it.
We've replayed this conversationad nauseum, we're ready to
challenge every single responsehe will give us because we've
rehearsed it.
And when I say we, I mean, me.
But, but I don't think I'm alonehere and it's not just because I
(16:16):
was an attorney and I'm used toproviding backup support for all
of my arguments.
It's not just me.
Right?
I mean, women do this.
Men do this too, but not to thesame extent that women do.
Mainly because of ourconditioning.
We were raised to believe, youknow, we're supposed to be the
peacekeepers.
Let's not rock the boat, couchyour opinions in ways that are
(16:40):
easy for people to hear.
If he can't say something niceabout someone, don't say
anything at all.
I mean, I've even been part ofsome organizations that the way
you give feedback is saysomething complimentary first,
then you can add up to twonegatives, but you have to end
on a positive note.
So at work that could look like.
(17:03):
You really dress the part.
You are chronically late.
You missed an important pitchdeadline and you have a nice
smile.
That's dumb.
Right?
I mean, why can't we just saythe thing.
You're not meeting expectations.
You blew that pitch that wouldcover your salary for the year.
You're done.
But instead, that message isburied in an almost passive
(17:25):
aggressive way.
You dress nice.
Your work product sucks, but youhave a nice smile.
We're midlife women.
Can we agree that we no longerneed to bury the message, to
wrap it up with a pretty littlebow that we can just say the
damn thing?
Whether that's at work.
(17:47):
Or like we're talking about hereat home in the most important
relationship in our lifebecause.
You know, when things aren'tgoing well at home that spills
over into every other part ofyour life.
If you are avoidingconversations at home, You feel
(18:08):
it everywhere else and youcannot get it out of your head.
It's constantly on repeat So, soback to the conversation that
you wanted to have.
I'm not saying don't have theconversation, but maybe don't
wait a week to have it.
If you can hash it out in themoment, but.
(18:30):
If, if that, if the moment istoo heated, If it's not a good
time to talk about it, maybetake a time out.
Come back to it in an hour or sowhen the emotions are less
charged.
Maybe sleep on it.
But rehashing it over and overagain.
Especially if you were the onlyone in the conversation and it's
(18:52):
happening in your head.
It's not doing either of you anygood.
And here's the thing.
He probably doesn't even knowthat it's an issue.
He hasn't paid it any moreattention and he has moved on.
So hear me when I say this.
You have to verbalize yourexpectations.
(19:12):
You have to tell your spousewhat you want from them.
What you expect from them?
How you're feeling.
They cannot read your mind, eventhough you've been married a
long time, even though you'vebeen in this long-term
relationship.
Maybe, especially because you'vebeen in such a long-term
relationship.
(19:33):
There is a lot that has happenedsince you first got married.
You have personally grown up andchanged.
He has probably changed alsosince you first got together.
You've likely had differentexperiences, but also some
similar experiences.
But you cannot keep expectingyour spouse to know what you
(19:56):
haven't told them.
And telling them once probablywon't make it stick.
So for the sake of the marriageand your sanity.
And to up the level of affectionand intimacy, talk about your
expectations.
Be clear.
Be open, be honest.
It will help tremendously.
(20:18):
Finally, let's talk about focus.
We've talked about this beforeon the podcast that whatever you
are looking for, you will find.
So, what that means here is ifyou are looking for ways that
your partner is pissing you offor not showing up for you, you
will find them.
If you are keeping score.
(20:41):
And any scorekeepers out there,you know, you are, you're
constantly making note of whatyou've done versus what your
spouse has done.
And you're tallying it all up atthe end of the day or the end of
the week.
Let's see.
I did the grocery shopping.
I paid the bills.
I made sure that all the travelarrangements were made to take
the kids back to college.
(21:01):
I ordered flowers for yourmother's birthday.
Those were all on my list.
On your list.
Take out the garbage mow, thelawn and order flowers for your
mother's birthday.
But then you forgot.
And I had to do it.
But keeping score.
That doesn't actually makeanyone feel better.
(21:23):
It's a zero sum game.
There are no winners.
They're just a bunch of losersin that game.
So we need to change the waythat we are focusing on our
marriage and our long-termrelationship.
The whole idea of what we get iswhat we've been looking for.
(21:44):
That's that's confirmation bias.
You might've heard ofconfirmation bias before, but
it's this tendency to seek out.
Or interpret.
Or remember information orevents, things that were said
that confirm our existingbeliefs or expectations.
(22:04):
So what we're thinking.
And it confirms those thingswhile dismissing or overlooking
or sometimes forgetting.
Uh, Other contradictory evidenceor evidence that doesn't support
what we think.
So how does this work in ourmarriage?
Well, we selectively noticebehaviors that align with our
(22:25):
current thinking about ourspouse.
And those can be positive.
Or they can be negative.
Interestingly, the longer we'remarried, the more likely it is
that our default filter, thething that we fall back on most
often.
As we look for the negative.
(22:46):
How are you letting me down?
How are you not showing up forme?
Here are a couple of examples.
Why do you want to go spend timewith your buddies at a fantasy
football draft instead of goingto To dinner with me?
And then all the sudden thisbecomes, you Always choose your
friends over me.
And if that's the lens we'reoperating from, then guaranteed,
(23:07):
there will be countless bits ofother evidence that we can find
to support what we're talkingabout, we can make our case,
like.
You get a text from a friend,you always respond immediately.
I texted you and it takes youhours to respond.
If you respond at all.
Your bodies want to grab a drinkon Friday night after work, and
(23:29):
I want to go to dinner onFriday.
You tell me you have a meeting,air-quotes meeting.
Which is I already know is justbeer with your friends.
You tell me you're going to dothat and meet me after.
So if my confirmation biasesthat you always put me last,
then it's going to be super easyfor me to find examples of that
(23:50):
in our lives.
I'm taking the responsibility inthis marriage, your having more
fun than I am, because I'm theone that has to take all of the
responsibility.
Here's another thing.
When we talk about.
What our spouse is doing or notdoing.
Pay careful attention to thelanguage that you use.
(24:11):
If you start using words likealways or never, or all the time
or all the responsibilities.
Whatever I start talking inabsolutes, even if I'm not
saying it out loud.
So I'm thinking this alwayshappens or you never do this.
Then that is a trigger for methat I know I'm going to start
(24:32):
spiraling.
I'm creating a situation whereone may or may not exist.
Most of the time, it's what Ibuilt up in my head.
It's a story I'm telling myselfabout what's really going on.
And it might be true.
But it also might not be truebecause how often do things
always happen?
Or never happen or happen allthe time.
(24:56):
I'm the one who takes on all theresponsibilities.
Is that true?
Probably not, but because I'vespent so much time telling
myself that and working myselfup in my head about that, then
that is what I become tobelieve.
It's this perfect.
Example right of the adage.
(25:16):
Don't believe everything youthink.
Because our thoughts areoftentimes the stories we tell
ourselves to make sense of ourown world, the situation around
us.
We start believing thosethoughts.
We're just believing the storiesthat we're telling ourselves.
And.
They may not be true.
(25:37):
I have to do everything aroundhere.
Well, that's not true, right?
I mean.
For most of us, that's not true.
Your spouse is doing thingsaround here.
You just maybe are choosing notto look at them.
While you're in this spun upmeno-rage feeling.
(25:58):
Here's a real life example.
Mike should know by now that Ihate babies breath.
We've been married 21 years Iasked him a couple of weeks ago
to pick up some flowers at thegrocery store.
I always have cut flowers on mykitchen counter.
It's this lovely indulgence thatmakes me happy.
I have been doing it since evenbefore we got married.
(26:21):
I, I usually buy them.
I pick them out.
I arrange them.
But we were having his parentsover for dinner on a Saturday.
Totally last minute decision.
And garbage day is on Friday andI had thrown away last week's
flowers the day.
before.
his parents were coming over fordinner.
(26:43):
And he needed to go to thegrocery store and grab a couple
of things to finish up what weneeded to cook dinner.
And I said, Hey, can you, canyou pick me up some flowers?
And he comes home with fuckingbaby's breath.
what we needed to cook.
Daddy And I'm thinking tomyself, how is it?
We've been married 21 years.
We have fresh flowers in thekitchen every week.
(27:05):
Not once, has he seen me bringhome?
Baby's breath.
And I started thinking shouldn'the know by now that I don't like
baby's breath.
And I'm thinking about what isit?
But here are my options.
flowers in I can thank him forgoing to the store, an activity
that I don't particularly enjoy.
He did the shopping, grabbed allof the things we needed for
(27:27):
dinner, including the flowersthat I asked him to buy.
So that's one thing I could havedone, been grateful for it.
Thanked him for doing it.
Or I could dwell on the factthat he bought me baby's breath.
Not mentioning it to him.
Creating a story in my headabout how, if he really loved
(27:47):
me.
He would have bought me tulips,which are my favorite, the Or
white lilies.
I love those because they smelllovely and they last at least a
week.
So a lot of white lilies thatare house.
But.
No baby's breath.
I chose to thank him for goingto the store.
(28:08):
For getting the things that weneeded for dinner.
Including flowers that I wouldnever buy for myself.
We did have a conversationabout, Hey, next time, can you
not get baby's breath?
Not my favorite.
Um, kind of messy, just don'treally like it.
And he said, no problem.
It's as simple as that.
week.
So a I could've built it up intothis, you know, created this big
(28:32):
story.
About him not valuing me or notloving me or, but I didn't.
It's so often we can just nip itin the bud.
And it's so much easier.
Here's Something that you canactually do put into practice
that if you're feeling that.
(28:52):
meno-rage, that.
angsty feeling, you know, likeyou're not being seen like the
affection and intimacy you'regone.
Try this.
Each day.
I want you to write down fivethings that your spouse is doing
right.
It could be anything, a biggesture.
Like he surprised With ananniversary trip to Europe that
(29:15):
he booked himself.
W w wait a minute that that'sprobably two grand of gesture,
um, for most of our spouses,because we understand that
planning an entire trip withoutneeding our help to navigate
flights and hotels and tours.
That that doesn't seemreasonable.
If you've got a spouse like thatthen you should be, that should
(29:36):
be number one on your list everyday, you are grateful for the
time and attention that he takesto create something amazing for
you.
But.
Maybe he went ahead and madedinner reservations for your
anniversary.
The dinner or bought you a newapple watch or that beautiful
bracelet that you've beenthinking about.
(29:57):
So grand gestures put that onthe list.
But also put the little thingson the list.
Like maybe he sent you a text,Big presentation at work.
he sends you a text, wishing yougood luck.
Or maybe a text came in.
After you landed the big picturework and it just says, I'm proud
of you.
(30:17):
Or maybe he took out the garbageand the recycling without being
asked or reminded.
Can you imagine?
The list can be big things.
The list can be small things,but the goal is really in the
small things.
But five things that.
your spouse is doing right.
on your I promise you that willchange your focus from how is my
(30:38):
spouse letting me down to thisis what he's doing, right.
And that focus change willremind you why you used to think
he was a good person.
Why you fell in love with him tobegin with.
Why it's important to you torekindle the spark in your
marriage?
All from a little list of fivethings every day.
(31:01):
But don't tell him you're doingthis at least not at first.
And I'll get to that in aminute.
Just keep track on your own.
Five things every day, you'llget to the point where you start
noticing them without having towrite them down.
And you can either keep going atthat point, or you can just
decide, you know what, I've gotthis habit.
Um, I, I'm looking for the Goodthings.
I'm looking for, the things I'mgrateful for.
(31:22):
I'm looking for the ways thathe's showing up for me.
I'll have to do this anymore.
So do it for as long as you needto, or want to.
And then someday, if you'rewilling, Share some of the
things on the list with him.
Tell him how it made you feel.
Tell him why you were gratefulfor it.
And here's what sneaky.
(31:43):
This is, This is incorporatingthe things that we're talking
about today (31:46):
Communication expectations focus.
So when you're talking to him,all three of those.
And the typical outcome here.
right.
Is, he does something for you.
You tell him that you.
like it or appreciate it.
He does it more because he wantsTo make you happy.
(32:07):
It's like this great littlemerry-go-round of goodness.
And you feel more seen andappreciated, which leads to
stronger feelings of intimacyand affection and round and
round.
It goes.
What if it can be that easy?
What if all it Takes to.
add the affection and theintimacy back in your marriage.
(32:29):
What If it's just talking withone another.
And keeping your expectations incheck.
And focusing on the good.
All doable.
Right.
Easy things.
Talk with one another.
Keep your expectations in check.
focus.
on the good.
I'd love to hear how.
Keeping track of five thingsevery day.
(32:49):
I'd love to hear how thatchanges your relationship.
Shoot me a text find me onInstagram, DM me there.
Let me know.
It can be that easy.
I promise.
Here's to putting the affectionand the intimacy back into your
marriage.
I hope you make it a fantasticweek and I will see right back
here next week when the Schoolof Midlife is back in session.
(33:12):
Until then take good care.
Thank you so much for listeningto the School of Midlife
podcast.
It means so much to have youhere each week.
If you enjoyed this episode,could you do me the biggest
favor and help us spread theword to other midlife women?
There are a couple of easy waysfor you to do that first.
(33:32):
And most importantly, if you'renot already following the show,
would you please subscribe?
That helps you because you'llnever miss an episode.
And it helps us because you'llnever miss an episode.
Second, if you'd be so kind toleave us a five-star rating,
that would be absolutelyincredible.
And finally, I personally readeach and every one of your
(33:54):
reviews.
So if you take a minute and saysome nice things about the
podcast, well, that's just goodkarma.
Thanks again for listening.
I'll see you right back here.
Next week when the School ofMidlife is back in session until
then take good care.
Popular Podcasts
Boysober
Have you ever wondered what life might be like if you stopped worrying about being wanted, and focused on understanding what you actually want? That was the question Hope Woodard asked herself after a string of situationships inspired her to take a break from sex and dating. She went "boysober," a personal concept that sparked a global movement among women looking to prioritize themselves over men. Now, Hope is looking to expand the ways we explore our relationship to relationships. Taking a bold, unfiltered look into modern love, romance, and self-discovery, Boysober will dive into messy stories about dating, sex, love, friendship, and breaking generational patterns—all with humor, vulnerability, and a fresh perspective.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com