March 4, 2025 • 40 mins
In this episode of the School of Midlife podcast, we dive into one of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself: What do you truly want in life?
If you’ve spent years following the success checklist—graduate, get a job, buy a house, raise kids, climb the career ladder—this episode is for you. It’s time to stop living on autopilot and reflect on whether the life you’ve built is aligned with your true desires or if it’s time to redefine what success looks like for you.
In this episode, your host Laurie Reynoldson shares her personal journey from thriving in a successful legal career to realizing that despite external achievements, she wasn’t fulfilled. Through her own story and experience, she sheds light on why knowing what you want is the foundational step to living an authentic and meaningful life.
Key Takeaways:
- Why many of us get caught in autopilot mode, following a life checklist that doesn’t reflect our true desires.
- Laurie’s personal journey from being a successful commercial real estate attorney to realizing that career success didn’t equate to happiness.
- How to reflect on what your younger self wanted versus what you truly want now.
- The importance of dreaming big, even in midlife, and differentiating dreams from goals.
- Practical advice for redefining your vision of success and crafting a life you actually want.
If you’ve ever wondered if there’s more to life than the goals you’ve been checking off, this episode will inspire you to reconnect with your true self, rediscover what lights you up, and take meaningful steps toward creating the life you desire.
LINKS + MENTIONS:
- Want to watch the video? Click here!
- If you want to dive deeper into exploring what you truly want and how to design a life that reflects your unique desires, Laurie offers coaching and retreats. Click here to inquire about 1:1 coaching.
- Interested in learning more about the Gap Year? Click here!
Connect with Laurie:
- Website: https://schoolofmidlife.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/schoolofmidlife
One More Thing! Enjoyed today’s episode? Don’t forget to subscribe to the School of Midlife podcast and leave us a review! Share this episode with a friend who might need a little midlife inspiration.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This week's episode of theSchool of Midlife podcast, we're
(00:03):
talking about a realization thatI recently had that completely
blew my mind.
It is something that only tookme, as it turns out, 40 years to
figure out.
I can't wait to share it to you.
Suffice it to say, it hassomething to do with, maybe it's
time to start dreaming someadult dreams.
Even if that sounds a little woowoo for you, I promise you're
(00:23):
going to get a lot out of thisepisode.
So stick around.
Welcome to the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm your host, LaurieReynoldson.
This is the podcast for themidlife woman who's starting to
ask herself big life questionslike, what do I want?
Is it too late for me?
And what's my legacy beyond myfamily and my work?
(00:46):
Each week, we're answering thesequestions and more.
At the School of Midlife, we'relearning all of the life lessons
they didn't teach us in school.
And we're figuring out, finally,What it is we want to be when we
grow up.
Let's make midlife your bestlife.
Well, Hey there friends.
Welcome back to another episodeof the School of Midlife
(01:08):
podcast.
For the first time ever, we areactually recording the podcast
in video form.
There have been some requestsfor video form.
Others of you prefer to justlisten to the audio like we've
always done, and that's totallycool.
But for those of you who want a.
weekly dose of a little midlifevideo, um, this one's for you.
(01:32):
So if you like it, let me knowif you'd prefer not to have the
video.
Let me know that too.
It takes a little bit more timeto maybe curl my hair and throw
on some makeup and be cameraready, which is why for the
longest time we have always donejust audio.
In fact, we're coming up on ourtwo year anniversary of the
(01:53):
School of Midlife podcast, whichis.
Bananas.
I can't even believe that, butbe that as it may, we are very
close to two years.
I think we're about two weeksaway.
Maybe, I don't know.
I've got to look it up, butreally interesting and, um, just
grateful that you have been herethrough some of it, all of it,
(02:14):
always, always thrilled to haveyou here and so grateful that
you.
Spend part of your week with meevery week that I don't, that's
something I don't take lightly.
I, I'm, I'm so grateful for it.
In today's episode, I want totalk about living a life that
you want, a life that youactually want.
(02:36):
Not that you've been conditionedto want, not what your parents
raised you to want, not whatsociety tells you to want, but
what it is it that you genuinelywant.
And if you've been around herefor a while, or you've been
involved in any of my one on onecoaching or group coaching or
retreats, then you know, wespend a.
Decent chunk of time trying tofigure out what it is we want
and it sure it sounds simpleenough and it's an easy concept
(02:58):
But for most of us, we reallydon't know what we want We're
more on autopilot just kind ofdoing the things that we think
we should want the things thatwe Are supposed to want the
things that society tells usThat we will be in success when
(03:19):
we achieve them.
And the interesting thing abouttalking about this today is I
recently had an epiphany.
And, and I've been talking aboutthis for the better part of five
years.
Like this is the foundationalstuff.
If you're concerned that you'rehaving a midlife crisis or
you're worried about I've beenso successful in my life up
(03:43):
until now.
What is next for me before wecan even move on into the what's
next for me?
You know, I've got the 401k andI've, I've, I've had huge
success in my career.
And then the kids are grown andflown and my parents are in a
good situation.
We spend so much time doing allthe things for so many other
(04:04):
people in our life.
And then we get to midlife and,and it's this idea that.
We finally made it and we'regoing to be rewarded with this
wonderful midlife experience andIf we don't know what we want,
then we're just going to findourselves in this sort of in
(04:24):
between state.
And maybe that's why it's calledmidlife, right?
But we can continue to keepdoing the things that we have
always done.
We know that that's not going togive us any new or different
Outcomes if we're just doing thesame thing that we've always
done then we should we'll end upwith the exact same experiences
(04:45):
but what I realized recently wasI I finally understood Why?
Knowing what you want Is thefoundational piece.
Like, I've been teaching thisfor five years.
I've been coaching on it forfive years.
It's, it's such a cornerstonepiece of the entire curriculum
that all of my coaching clientsgo through.
(05:08):
And I finally figured out whyit's so important.
I knew.
You know how you just, you havethis innate understanding.
This knowing.
I, I knew it was important.
And I finally figured out why.
So, you know, it's taken me 53years to figure this out.
I coach on it, so it's taken mea good five years to even figure
(05:29):
that out.
But I'm gonna break it down toyou in really simple terms.
But I'll tell you what, I, like,it occurred to me a couple of
weeks ago and it blew my mind.
Because I, I just, I hadn'tthought about it that way before
and, and I think that's, that'swhat I hope I'm doing in this
podcast and other pieces of theSchool of Midlife.
(05:51):
Which is giving you things tothink about in maybe a different
way than you thought about thembefore.
I'm, I'm asking you to consideror think about or imagine or
experience almost everything inyour life in a different way
than you have before.
Because so many of us have beenon this.
This autopilot, we set our livesin motion a very long time ago.
(06:16):
And that was because we weredoing what we thought we were
supposed to do.
Right?
We were following the successchecklist to a tee.
Go to school, get a job, getmarried, buy a house, have some
kids, raise them up.
Get promoted in our career,climb the corporate ladder.
I mean, we, we have been reallylockstep following this
(06:39):
checklist, this to do list that.
Was, was given to us.
It's not something that we satdown with a pen and paper and
said, Okay, and, and, and thenI'm gonna do this and then I'm
gonna do that and that.
I mean, maybe we did becausecertainly, you know, you don't
just go to school and, And willynilly end up with a career that
you didn't put any thought into.
(07:00):
But for the most part, We'rejust sort of blindly following
this, This is what it means tobe a good girl.
This is what it means to be asuccessful girl.
And we've been doing that ourwhole lives.
I'm no stranger to that myself.
Some of you are newer to thepodcast than others, so for many
(07:21):
of you, you may not know mybackstory.
But I was a commercial realestate attorney for the first 20
years of my career.
And I was really damn good atit.
You know, award winning, myclients loved me.
I, I, I was really, really goodat it.
I kinda used to joke, though,that I was a little bit of a job
whore because It seemed like,especially in the beginning of
(07:45):
my career, I would change jobslike every two years.
Because I, I would get in aposition and I'd be working for
a firm or in corporate orwherever I was working and I
would just get really, I don'tknow if bored is the right word,
but I could just feel like thenewness had worn off.
(08:07):
The excitement was gone, and Ijust felt like I was kind of
going through the motions.
Like, I wasn't being challenged,it was like suffering through a
case of the Sundays every singleSunday.
And some people call those theSunday scaries, I have always
called them the Sundays.
And they're that day long dreadon Sunday, all day on Sunday,
(08:29):
where you just think toyourself, I gotta go to work
tomorrow.
And I suffered through an acutecase of the Sundays.
every Sunday for years.
I mean, I'm not even beingdramatic.
It's just, I, I never, never, Imean, absolutes are tough, but
for most of my career, I didn'twant to go back to work on
(08:51):
Monday.
And I spent all day Sunday.
Just dreading it.
I, I would always bring mybriefcase or my messenger bag,
whatever I was using at thatpoint, with my laptop in it.
I would always cart that homefull of tons of work.
I would sit it at a certain spotnear the garage door.
(09:11):
And I would walk by that thingevery freaking day.
And every time I would walk bythat bag and I hadn't picked it
up and I hadn't opened it, itwas just this feeling of dread
inside of me.
Like, I know what I'm supposedto be doing, but I sure as hell
don't want to spend my weekenddoing that.
And I did that every weekendand, and for those of you who
(09:34):
are more skilled at the Sundays,like myself, you might also
recognize that there does come apoint on Sunday night, usually
at about eight 30 or nineo'clock at night, when most
people are winding down andyou're like, holy shit, I got to
actually do some work becausethis is either due Monday
morning, or I've got to make acall, or for some reason I had
(09:56):
to get the work done.
So.
So.
Yeah.
I would finally like buckledown, sit down, start the work
at like 9 o'clock on a Sundaynight.
And as you might imagine, thatis a terrible recipe for getting
a good night's sleep.
But I did that for 20 years.
I was routinely building 40, 50,usually between 50 and 60 hours
(10:18):
a week.
So if you do the math on howmany hours I was actually
working, I mean, it, it, it, I,I don't even like to think about
it because it was not a good wayto live.
And I did that for years.
I did that for decades.
Until I realized that, you knowwhat?
The law isn't for me.
(10:38):
I've told this story on thepodcast before, but again, there
are several of you who are new.
I did not plan to leave the law.
In fact, I was on the verge ofjoining the partnership of a
large super regional firm, thething that I had literally
worked my entire life to get.
The job that was kind of thecherry on top, the creme de la
(11:00):
creme, the thing that allattorneys in private practice,
that's what they work for.
To earn a partnership in a largefirm.
And I had been, I'd been apartner in a, in a small
boutique firm before I had, Iwas running a part of a
corporate legal departmentduring the global recession, I
(11:21):
actually had my own practice fora while, so I had experienced
all sorts of different ownershipand management situations
through my career.
So yeah, I'd been there for 20years doing practicing law,
commercial real estate, and I'deven been in ownership and
management positions.
But this one was different.
This was, this was the bigcheese, right?
(11:43):
When I was going to law school,this is how I expected I would
end my career.
As a partner at a large firm.
To become a partner in a largefirm, you spend almost, it's
almost a two year process, wherethey look at everything about
your legal practice up to thatpoint to figure out if You are
(12:05):
worthy of being considered tojoin the partnership.
So, you know, they look at howmany hours are you billing?
How much work are you bringingin?
Who are you working with in thefirm?
I mean, are you just working onprojects that they give you or
are you seeking outopportunities to work with other
partners in different offices?
Are you mentoring associates?
(12:26):
Who are under you?
Are you mentoring paralegalsthat are on your team?
It's, it's a, it's a large scopeof information and, and they
collect it obviously all throughyour career, but they really
focus on the last two yearsprior to the partnership vote.
And the last step before goingto vote is this partnership
(12:48):
admission interview.
It's exactly like you wouldexpect it to be in a corner
conference room in a high risebuilding in a large city.
You know, floor to ceilingwindows, large mahogany table in
the middle.
Fifteen of those black, highbacked, leather conference room
chairs around them full ofpartners.
(13:11):
And then me.
And you go to the partnershipadmission interview and, and by
this time they know so muchabout you, I swear to God.
I think they're just trying tomake sure that you're not an
asshole, that you can answer asimple question.
You know, like, they want to layeyes on you so that they can
vouch for you when it goes tothe partnership.
(13:31):
Vote.
The last question they asked mewas, How will your job change if
you are lucky enough to beinvited to join the partnership?
And because I'm a verbalprocessor, which is why
podcasting works so great forme.
I, I was kind of, I, one, Iwasn't expecting the question
and, you know, it wasn't likeone of those standard interview
(13:53):
questions that, you know, whatis your greatest weakness?
Oh, well, I'm a perfectionist.
For some reason, I wasn'tprepared for it.
And I hadn't really thoughtabout it, so I'm working my way
through an answer, which is Idon't think my job is going to
change that much.
I'm already mentoring theassociates on my team.
I'm already bringing in a ton ofbusiness.
(14:15):
I'm co chairing the marketingdepartment for the Boise office.
I'm co chairing the foundationcommittee for the Boise office.
I mean, I was already acting asif I was a partner.
So I said, I didn't think my jobwould change that much.
Really.
The only thing that would changeis my title would go from of
counsel to partner and ofcounsel just means that you're a
(14:36):
senior attorney who is not apartner and is not really on the
partnership track.
Unless you're in the legalfield, nobody knows what that
is.
So being a partner helps withbusiness development because
everyone wants to work with apartner.
Um, so I told him, you know, I,I think it'll be easier for me
to bring in business because my,my title will change.
(14:57):
And then the only other thingthat I could think of that would
change is I'd be making moremoney.
So the way I was compensated.
And with that, the meeting wasover and I flew back to Boise.
And there was something aboutthat question that did just this
little niggle that I could notget it out of my head for, for
weeks.
(15:17):
I just kept thinking about it,not because I hadn't answered it
correctly, because I startedthinking, When have you ever
done anything for money?
And I, I hadn't up until thatpoint.
I mean, there were points in mycareer where because I had a
really good opportunity, I wouldactually take a pay cut if I was
making a job change.
(15:37):
So money, money is great, butfor me it was never the, the
highest motivating factor onwhether I was going to take a
job or not.
The other thing that I justcouldn't move past was this
whole idea that I've beensuffering from a case of the
Sundays for years.
How did I think that that wasgoing to go away just because I
(16:01):
was a partner?
In fact, I'd already told them,and truthfully, rightfully so,
that my job wasn't going tochange at all.
I mean, if I really thoughtabout it, it would probably get
a little more political, right?
Because I'd be going to moremeetings, uh, involved in more
leadership, which always hasgood and bad with it, right?
(16:22):
You certainly have to play thepolitics game a little bit more.
But, did I want to still carrythat Sunday shit with me every
week?
Did I want to live a futurewhere I was billing 40, 50, 60
hours a week?
Is that what I really hadenvisioned for my life?
(16:45):
After thinking about it for acouple of weeks, I went into the
administrative partner's officeand I waited until the last part
of the day to walk into hisoffice.
And there were a couple oftimes, because, you know, I'm
pretty anxious about it.
Like, this is, this is a bigdecision.
And I, I was really nervousabout it.
(17:06):
And I would walk by his office acouple of times and the door was
closed, or he was in a meeting,or he was on the phone.
I was like, oh, thank God.
I don't have to do it right now.
But I waited until the very lastminute after work hours that
day.
And I still remember, you know,I had my navy blue, it was the
middle of summer.
So it was, it was July and I hadthis sleeveless, um, navy blue
(17:30):
poplin mini dress on, veryattorney, but also summer,
whatever.
And I walk in and I sit down andI say, I'm going to make this
really easy on the partnershipadmission committee.
I'm withdrawing my name fromconsideration for partnership.
He takes off his glasses andjust kind of rubs his eyes a
(17:53):
little bit.
Like, this, this is not what Iwas hoping for you to come in
here and tell me.
Puts his glasses back on, looksat me, and I, and then I just
continued and I said, and I'mleaving the firm.
I'm leaving the law.
And it was, I'm not gonna sayangels sang at that moment, but
I could just feel this weight onmy shoulders.
(18:15):
Dissipate.
That, yes, I was anxious to goin and essentially walk away
from the career that I had goneto college for for four years,
spent three years in law school,graduated with 130, 000 of law
school debt in 1998.
So that was, that was more thanpeople paid for their mortgage
(18:38):
on their first house.
Some of them had even on theirsecond house, right?
It was a big chunk of money.
But for the first time ever.
Even though I still had loans topay back because yeah, I was, I
was I was in it 20 years, butthe interest rates were high,
and I had a lot of debt to payback.
But I just, I figured there wassome way that I could figure
(19:01):
this out.
And there was some way that Icould do something that I
wouldn't dread going to workevery week.
I didn't know what that wasthen.
I know that was the rightchoice.
At the time, I did not know why.
And this is where the whole mindblowing realization that I
(19:23):
recently had came in to be.
And I think it's exactly why somany high performing women
experience this sort of midlifeangst, or this midlife
questioning, or this feeling ofwhat's next for me, or I'm
running out of time, or how canI, How can I do what I want to
do when I don't even know whatthat is?
(19:45):
So, however you label it, Ithink a lot of us find ourselves
in that spot.
And what occurred to me justrecently was I had said in fifth
grade I was going to become anattorney.
5th grade when I was tapped toplay the part of an attorney in
(20:11):
my history class in 5th grade.
My client lost because I hadspent the better part of the
night before worrying about wasthe clothing that I was wearing,
did it look attorney enough?
Um, so actually I wore a brownherringbone tweed blazer.
(20:31):
This cream ruffled front blousewith a, with a bow on it.
Probably had a skirt on.
But I remember the blazer andthe blouse.
And I spent a lot of timepicking that out because I
wanted to look just right.
I spent so much time thinkingabout my wardrobe that I started
(20:52):
panicking the night beforebecause I didn't have my
argument written out.
And I was kind of talking backand forth with my dad about it.
And we were sussing out what theargument could be and how I
could best represent my client.
And, and I begged him toessentially distill our
conversation, which, which weremy comments and, and my
(21:14):
thoughts.
But dad, can you please writethem on the little index cards
so that when I go up to thefront and I deliver it.
Like, it'll be written insentences, and instead of just
this, all this, whatever's goingon in my head.
And he did, he wrote it down inhis perfectly printed
(21:34):
penmanship.
And so it's time to go up.
It's my time to shine, it's mytime to present.
I get up, and the cards,unbeknownst to me, fall out of
my peachy as I'm walking to thefront of the room.
I get to the front, and I'msearching through the peachy,
and I cannot find my cards.
(21:55):
And of course my whole braingoes blank because I, I, I don't
even know what I'm going to say.
Because I hadn't rehearsed it.
I was, I had talked about itjust very loosely with my dad.
I had read the cards after hehad distilled it and I had no
idea what I was going to say.
My client lost.
But from that point forward, Iwas like, I'm going to be an
(22:16):
attorney.
Like, I declared it at thatpoint.
And I did it because lookingback, I did it for two reasons.
Number one, it seemed like animportant job to me.
It seemed like somethingsomebody smart and successful
would do.
They would be an attorney.
And for those of you who areabout my age, you know that when
(22:38):
we When I went to school, there,it felt like there were only so
many jobs that so many careersthat were available to us, you
know, attorney, doctor, teacher,engineer, nurse, it was a much
different environment,especially in fifth grade.
No one should be choosing theircareer in fifth grade, but I
(23:01):
did.
But I chose it for two reasons.
Number one, because it seemedlike an important career.
And two, it also seemed like itwas a stable career that I could
support my family.
Why was a stable careerimportant?
Important to me because I grewup very middle class.
(23:21):
No one was worrying about, youknow, is, is there gonna be food
on the table this week?
But my parents fought aboutmoney a lot, especially, you
know, if it wasn't paydayFriday, it just felt like there
was a lot of tension in thehouse about how much money there
was and was there enough tospend.
(23:41):
And I.
At least in fifth grade, I wasaware enough of it to realize
that I wanted somethingdifferent for my life.
That if I could have a careerwhere I wasn't living paycheck
to paycheck, that sounded great.
And for my little fifth grademind, I was like an attorney.
(24:01):
It's important.
It's stable.
I won't be living paycheck topaycheck.
Perfect.
And what's so interesting, andthis is the part that I realized
just recently, was like, holyshit.
I decided in fifth grade I wasgoing to be an attorney.
And so I did it.
Right?
Fifth grade Laurie said, this iswhat your life is going to look
(24:24):
like.
And so, because I'm a woman ofmy word, even In, when I'm 10
years old, I did the damn thing.
From that point on, it was like,okay, well, how do I become an
attorney?
I, I, I went to college.
I even made sure that therewasn't any special pre law
(24:46):
course of study.
You could, you could really endup with any sort of degree and
go to law school.
So I picked a major that wasinteresting to me, that was fun.
It was design and planningstudies in the College of
Architecture and Urban Planning,so I could flex that kind of
creative muscle that I have, andI got to build things and draw
(25:09):
things, and it was great.
I loved it.
But with this idea, you know,I'm never gonna do that for a
job.
I just, I'm gonna go to lawschool.
And then I went to law schooland every decision I made
growing up was how do I becomean attorney?
And then once I became anattorney, once I graduated and
(25:32):
had my first job, it was asthough I was searching for this
Attorney job that would bring methe fulfillment and satisfaction
that I was craving because I wasdoing exactly what I was
expected to do.
What, what was I, I was doingexactly what I had told myself I
(25:53):
was going to do, which was I'mgoing to become an attorney.
And I never once from that pointon.
Questioned whether that was theright thing for me until I'd
been doing it for 20 fuckingyears, right?
I, I may be the slowest learnerever.
Or maybe it was just my blindoptimism that thought, you know
(26:14):
what, if I just stick with this.
Someday it's gonna all feelright.
I'm going to find the perfectjob as an attorney that finally
lights me up.
That I don't have a case of theSundays anymore.
I love going to work.
I love what I do.
And I never found it.
(26:34):
Because it wasn't what I wanted.
And that's what I recentlyfigured out, was no wonder being
an attorney wasn't filling meup, wasn't making me happy,
wasn't, sure it was paying thebills, but from a mental
standpoint, from an emotionalstandpoint, it was not what I
(26:58):
wanted.
And when I look back, I wonderif I would have been a little
bit more self aware.
Would you have actually done allthat to become an attorney when
it's probably not what youwanted?
It might have been what 5thgrade Laurie wanted, it's not
what midlife Laurie wanted.
(27:19):
And that's the part that I thinkso many of us Have gotten to
midlife on this path that weenvisioned at some point in our
life.
Well, either we envisioned it orsomeone envisioned it for us.
Like we were kind of given the,the, this is what you're going
to do.
(27:41):
But I think more and more ashigh performing midlife women,
we have to stop and we have toask ourselves.
Is the life that we're living,is that what our younger self
wanted?
Or is that what we actually wantin life?
And it's okay that that changes.
(28:01):
I mean, maybe it was what yearold you wanted.
Or 30 year old you wanted.
Or maybe even 40 year old youwanted.
But what do you want now?
What do you want for the secondhalf of your life?
And that's the, that, that's thecrux.
That's the thing that youactually have to figure out.
Because that fulfillment Thesatisfaction, the happiness that
(28:26):
we are all seeking, thatsometimes feels like, like we're
never gonna get there.
We just keep adding more to ourto do list.
We just keep pushing off our owndreams.
We, we think, I will finallyfeel The way I expected to feel
once I get the next promotion,once I earn the next
(28:48):
achievement, once I retire, oncethe kids graduate.
I mean, we keep pushing out ourown personal satisfaction and
happiness until someday.
Because we don't know what wewant.
And when we don't know what wewant, we can't, one, we can't
put together a plan to make thatwant, that wanting.
We, we don't know how to bringthat and make that a reality.
(29:10):
We don't know how to bring it tolife.
But because we don't know whatwe want, we also just stay doing
what it is that we have alwaysdone with this expectation that
at some point, we're going tofeel the way we think we should
feel.
At some point, we'll be able todo something different.
At some point, if the time isright and everyone else is
(29:33):
settled and the timing isperfect, Everything else is
going swimmingly and the livesof everyone around me, then,
then I'll be able to do what Iwant to do.
But it all starts with what doyou want?
What do you actually want?
Not, not what your parentstaught you would want.
(29:55):
Not what society tells you towant.
Not what your friends say youshould want.
Not what social media says youshould want.
But what is it you actuallywant?
That's where you need to start.
And then once you know that, andthere are plenty of ways that,
that we drill down into thatanswer.
Because if, if it were as easyto figure out by just saying,
(30:19):
what do I want?
Then we would all know it's notthat easy.
So there are ways that I workwith my coaching clients to
really tease that out, to drilldown and get to the kernel of
what it is you actually want.
And once we know that, then wecan take it a step further,
which is.
Okay, now I know what I wantwhen I think about living a
(30:42):
successful life, when I thinkabout what does success mean to
me, that's the second step iswe, we figure out, well, the
definition of success that weare taught from a very young age
is what is your job title andhow much money do you make that
hasn't been working for usbecause so many of us are
successful and yet we still wantfor more.
(31:05):
We don't know why.
Okay.
Well, it's because we areliving, not only a life that
maybe we want, maybe we don't,but we've been conditioned to
want it.
We're, we're living by someoneelse's definition of success.
So we need to just do somereprogramming.
We don't have to throw the babyout with the bathwater.
We don't have to start all over.
We don't have to burn down ourexisting life.
(31:28):
We don't have to press therestart button and start over.
I mean, some of you might, butfor the most part, it's just
some really small tweaks.
What do you want?
How do you define success?
And then once you know theanswer, your personal answer to
those two things, then we getreally clear on Man, if I could
(31:49):
wave a magic wand right now andgive you your dream life, your
best life, what does that evenlook like?
Because if you're like me, formost of us, we stopped dreaming
a very long time ago.
And I'm not talking about likeprincess and unicorn type of
dreams.
(32:10):
I'm talking about Well, fifthgrade Laurie wanted to be an
attorney.
That was her dream.
She made that her reality.
And then she finally realized,this is, this is weird that I'm
talking about myself in thethird person, but, but then I
finally realized, you know what?
That's not my dream anymore.
And for a lot of us, it's timeto actually dream some adult
(32:32):
dreams.
A dream is just an aspiration.
It's a, it's a vision ofsomething you want.
It's, it's a way of, of being.
It's, it's open ended.
So many of us have reallygotten, confused isn't the right
word, but we mix up goals anddreams.
(32:55):
Where goals are these actionablesteps, they're detailed plans,
there's timelines involved.
And we seem to think that if weare accomplishing a lot of
goals, then we're accomplishinga lot of dreams, and we're
making those dreams a reality.
But dreams are bigger than that.
They're more Undefined, theyrequire you to step back and
(33:17):
actually imagine some thingsinstead of constantly being in
the doing dreams actually makeyou step back and think about
how do I want to be?
How do I want to show up?
How do I want to live my life?
And then once we know that, oncewe know what your best life
looks like, once we know whatthat best life dream is, then we
(33:38):
can create some goals thatsupport that, some milestones to
actually make that your reality.
But it all starts with what doyou want?
And for so many high performingwomen, we have been focused on
creating the reality that wedreamed when we were young.
(33:58):
And because we've been sofocused on that, because we've
been so focused on doing thethings that we said we would do,
we thought we wanted, we're juston the, we're on the plan.
It's, it's on the plan.
It's on the checklist.
It's on autopilot for a lot ofus.
Because we've been doing that,we have Forgotten to, neglected
(34:20):
to, we have not stopped to takea step back and think is this
still what I want?
Because just like dreams, thosewants can change over time.
And that doesn't mean thatyou're not successful, or you've
done something wrong, or you'rea bad person.
But we, we have to be able tochange our mind.
(34:43):
Because we've got moreexperience, we've got more life
behind us.
We've done.
More things and when we wereyoung and we set those, uh,
initial dreams for our life.
And so it's time to check in andsay, Is this still working for
me?
Is this still what I want?
And if the answer is no, thenlet's do something about it
(35:06):
before it's too late.
And again, I'm not saying let'sstart all over.
You don't have to end yourmarriage and move to a new town
and give up your career.
It's very possible that somepieces of your life just aren't
working for you anymore.
And that's okay.
There's nothing wrong with that.
You 100 percent will not have tostart from zero, but at least
(35:27):
you'll be living a life that isauthentic to you.
One that is what you want.
One that is the definition thatyou give of success.
One that is, when you close youreyes and you think about your
best life, that is the life Iwant you to be living.
If that sounds like somethingthat you would be interested in,
(35:50):
there are a couple of coachingopportunities that are coming up
in March that you should beaware of.
I am opening up just a smallhandful of one on one coaching
spots.
Uh, I, I don't do this veryoften, so there are some spots
to work one on one with me.
There will also be a new intakeof the GAP here, which is the
(36:14):
School of Midlife SignatureGroup Pro Group Coaching
Program.
It's been completely retooled.
Um, I'm very excited about howthat is being rolled out.
Instead of a year long program,you get all of the information,
all of the modules, all of thecoaching the minute you sign up.
And it's a self paced programwith a six week accelerator.
(36:36):
I, I'll, I'll, I'll tell youmore about that as we, as we get
closer, but, um, If that'ssomething that's interesting to
you, then, then I'll drop aclickable link in the show notes
and you can get yourself signedup on the priority list so that
you are aware of when the intakeis happening.
But I'm gonna leave you withthis.
We can one shot at this life.
(36:57):
And most of us are living prettydamn good lives.
It just feels like something'smissing.
And it's time to find out whatthat is.
It's time to start living a lifethat is meaningful to adult you.
That makes sense with the dreamsthat adult you is dreaming.
(37:19):
It's, it's so great that littleus, you know, that are, that
little girl who had all of thesedreams and aspirations, many of
which we have already fulfilled,we have already achieved, now
it's time to do somethingdifferent.
It's time to figure out how wewant to spend the second half of
our life.
It's time to dream some adultdreams so that we can make the
(37:40):
second half of our life our verybest life yet.
Make, make midlife your bestlife, right?
I'm curious, what is thisbringing up for you?
When you think about your liferight now, and you think about
the dreams that you weredreaming as little you Is your
life that you're living rightnow, is it closer to the dreams
(38:01):
you were dreaming when you werelittle, or has it changed?
Do you, do you find that youhave actually become an adult
dreamer?
I, I know that a lot of peoplefeel like dreams are really
wishy washy, but you can'tcreate the life you want to live
if you don't have the picture ofwhat that looks like.
And what that takes is some timeto actually Again, think about
(38:22):
what you want, how you definesuccess, what your best life
looks like.
And that is going to require youto take a step back, take a
pause, and really, if you don'tlike dream, but think big
picture, think pie in the sky.
Think if you could wave a magicwand and live the life that of
your dreams.
(38:43):
Your best life.
What would that look like?
Is that a closer to what adultyou thinks for her life?
Or are you still living like Iwas living for so long?
Are you still living accordingto those dreams that little you
dreamed?
I'd love to know.
Let me know.
Take a screenshot of whereveryou're listening to the podcast
(39:03):
today, screenshot that, tag me,let me know.
I would love to hear from you.
Thank you so much for being heretoday.
Like I said, I am alwaysthrilled to have you here to
spend some time with me eachweek.
And will you let me know Do youlike the video format?
Do you prefer the audio?
Will you ever watch the video?
(39:24):
Are you just going to stick toaudio?
Shoot me a DM or send me anemail because I would just love
to hear what you think.
Have a great week.
I will see you back here nextweek when the School of Midlife
is back in session.
Until then, take good care.
Thank you so much for listeningto the School of Midlife
podcast.
It means so much to have youhere each week.
(39:45):
If you enjoyed this episode,could you do me the biggest
favor and help us spread theword to other midlife women?
There are a couple of easy waysfor you to do that.
First, and most importantly, Ifyou're not already following the
show, would you pleasesubscribe?
That helps you because you'llnever miss an episode, and it
helps us because you'll nevermiss an episode.
(40:08):
Second, if you'd be so kind toleave us a five star rating,
that would be absolutelyincredible.
And finally, I personally readeach and every one of your
reviews, so if you'd take aminute and say some nice things
about the podcast, well, that'sjust good karma.
Thanks again for listening.
I'll see you right back herenext week, when the School and
Midlife is back in session.
(40:29):
Until then, take good care.
This week's episode of theSchool of Midlife podcast, we're
(00:03):
talking about a realization thatI recently had that completely
blew my mind.
It is something that only tookme, as it turns out, 40 years to
figure out.
I can't wait to share it to you.
Suffice it to say, it hassomething to do with, maybe it's
time to start dreaming someadult dreams.
Even if that sounds a little woowoo for you, I promise you're
(00:23):
going to get a lot out of thisepisode.
So stick around.
Welcome to the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm your host, LaurieReynoldson.
This is the podcast for themidlife woman who's starting to
ask herself big life questionslike, what do I want?
Is it too late for me?
And what's my legacy beyond myfamily and my work?
(00:46):
Each week, we're answering thesequestions and more.
At the School of Midlife, we'relearning all of the life lessons
they didn't teach us in school.
And we're figuring out, finally,What it is we want to be when we
grow up.
Let's make midlife your bestlife.
Well, Hey there friends.
Welcome back to another episodeof the School of Midlife
(01:08):
podcast.
For the first time ever, we areactually recording the podcast
in video form.
There have been some requestsfor video form.
Others of you prefer to justlisten to the audio like we've
always done, and that's totallycool.
But for those of you who want a.
weekly dose of a little midlifevideo, um, this one's for you.
(01:32):
So if you like it, let me knowif you'd prefer not to have the
video.
Let me know that too.
It takes a little bit more timeto maybe curl my hair and throw
on some makeup and be cameraready, which is why for the
longest time we have always donejust audio.
In fact, we're coming up on ourtwo year anniversary of the
(01:53):
School of Midlife podcast, whichis.
Bananas.
I can't even believe that, butbe that as it may, we are very
close to two years.
I think we're about two weeksaway.
Maybe, I don't know.
I've got to look it up, butreally interesting and, um, just
grateful that you have been herethrough some of it, all of it,
(02:14):
always, always thrilled to haveyou here and so grateful that
you.
Spend part of your week with meevery week that I don't, that's
something I don't take lightly.
I, I'm, I'm so grateful for it.
In today's episode, I want totalk about living a life that
you want, a life that youactually want.
(02:36):
Not that you've been conditionedto want, not what your parents
raised you to want, not whatsociety tells you to want, but
what it is it that you genuinelywant.
And if you've been around herefor a while, or you've been
involved in any of my one on onecoaching or group coaching or
retreats, then you know, wespend a.
Decent chunk of time trying tofigure out what it is we want
and it sure it sounds simpleenough and it's an easy concept
(02:58):
But for most of us, we reallydon't know what we want We're
more on autopilot just kind ofdoing the things that we think
we should want the things thatwe Are supposed to want the
things that society tells usThat we will be in success when
(03:19):
we achieve them.
And the interesting thing abouttalking about this today is I
recently had an epiphany.
And, and I've been talking aboutthis for the better part of five
years.
Like this is the foundationalstuff.
If you're concerned that you'rehaving a midlife crisis or
you're worried about I've beenso successful in my life up
(03:43):
until now.
What is next for me before wecan even move on into the what's
next for me?
You know, I've got the 401k andI've, I've, I've had huge
success in my career.
And then the kids are grown andflown and my parents are in a
good situation.
We spend so much time doing allthe things for so many other
(04:04):
people in our life.
And then we get to midlife and,and it's this idea that.
We finally made it and we'regoing to be rewarded with this
wonderful midlife experience andIf we don't know what we want,
then we're just going to findourselves in this sort of in
(04:24):
between state.
And maybe that's why it's calledmidlife, right?
But we can continue to keepdoing the things that we have
always done.
We know that that's not going togive us any new or different
Outcomes if we're just doing thesame thing that we've always
done then we should we'll end upwith the exact same experiences
(04:45):
but what I realized recently wasI I finally understood Why?
Knowing what you want Is thefoundational piece.
Like, I've been teaching thisfor five years.
I've been coaching on it forfive years.
It's, it's such a cornerstonepiece of the entire curriculum
that all of my coaching clientsgo through.
(05:08):
And I finally figured out whyit's so important.
I knew.
You know how you just, you havethis innate understanding.
This knowing.
I, I knew it was important.
And I finally figured out why.
So, you know, it's taken me 53years to figure this out.
I coach on it, so it's taken mea good five years to even figure
(05:29):
that out.
But I'm gonna break it down toyou in really simple terms.
But I'll tell you what, I, like,it occurred to me a couple of
weeks ago and it blew my mind.
Because I, I just, I hadn'tthought about it that way before
and, and I think that's, that'swhat I hope I'm doing in this
podcast and other pieces of theSchool of Midlife.
(05:51):
Which is giving you things tothink about in maybe a different
way than you thought about thembefore.
I'm, I'm asking you to consideror think about or imagine or
experience almost everything inyour life in a different way
than you have before.
Because so many of us have beenon this.
This autopilot, we set our livesin motion a very long time ago.
(06:16):
And that was because we weredoing what we thought we were
supposed to do.
Right?
We were following the successchecklist to a tee.
Go to school, get a job, getmarried, buy a house, have some
kids, raise them up.
Get promoted in our career,climb the corporate ladder.
I mean, we, we have been reallylockstep following this
(06:39):
checklist, this to do list that.
Was, was given to us.
It's not something that we satdown with a pen and paper and
said, Okay, and, and, and thenI'm gonna do this and then I'm
gonna do that and that.
I mean, maybe we did becausecertainly, you know, you don't
just go to school and, And willynilly end up with a career that
you didn't put any thought into.
(07:00):
But for the most part, We'rejust sort of blindly following
this, This is what it means tobe a good girl.
This is what it means to be asuccessful girl.
And we've been doing that ourwhole lives.
I'm no stranger to that myself.
Some of you are newer to thepodcast than others, so for many
(07:21):
of you, you may not know mybackstory.
But I was a commercial realestate attorney for the first 20
years of my career.
And I was really damn good atit.
You know, award winning, myclients loved me.
I, I, I was really, really goodat it.
I kinda used to joke, though,that I was a little bit of a job
whore because It seemed like,especially in the beginning of
(07:45):
my career, I would change jobslike every two years.
Because I, I would get in aposition and I'd be working for
a firm or in corporate orwherever I was working and I
would just get really, I don'tknow if bored is the right word,
but I could just feel like thenewness had worn off.
(08:07):
The excitement was gone, and Ijust felt like I was kind of
going through the motions.
Like, I wasn't being challenged,it was like suffering through a
case of the Sundays every singleSunday.
And some people call those theSunday scaries, I have always
called them the Sundays.
And they're that day long dreadon Sunday, all day on Sunday,
(08:29):
where you just think toyourself, I gotta go to work
tomorrow.
And I suffered through an acutecase of the Sundays.
every Sunday for years.
I mean, I'm not even beingdramatic.
It's just, I, I never, never, Imean, absolutes are tough, but
for most of my career, I didn'twant to go back to work on
(08:51):
Monday.
And I spent all day Sunday.
Just dreading it.
I, I would always bring mybriefcase or my messenger bag,
whatever I was using at thatpoint, with my laptop in it.
I would always cart that homefull of tons of work.
I would sit it at a certain spotnear the garage door.
(09:11):
And I would walk by that thingevery freaking day.
And every time I would walk bythat bag and I hadn't picked it
up and I hadn't opened it, itwas just this feeling of dread
inside of me.
Like, I know what I'm supposedto be doing, but I sure as hell
don't want to spend my weekenddoing that.
And I did that every weekendand, and for those of you who
(09:34):
are more skilled at the Sundays,like myself, you might also
recognize that there does come apoint on Sunday night, usually
at about eight 30 or nineo'clock at night, when most
people are winding down andyou're like, holy shit, I got to
actually do some work becausethis is either due Monday
morning, or I've got to make acall, or for some reason I had
(09:56):
to get the work done.
So.
So.
Yeah.
I would finally like buckledown, sit down, start the work
at like 9 o'clock on a Sundaynight.
And as you might imagine, thatis a terrible recipe for getting
a good night's sleep.
But I did that for 20 years.
I was routinely building 40, 50,usually between 50 and 60 hours
(10:18):
a week.
So if you do the math on howmany hours I was actually
working, I mean, it, it, it, I,I don't even like to think about
it because it was not a good wayto live.
And I did that for years.
I did that for decades.
Until I realized that, you knowwhat?
The law isn't for me.
(10:38):
I've told this story on thepodcast before, but again, there
are several of you who are new.
I did not plan to leave the law.
In fact, I was on the verge ofjoining the partnership of a
large super regional firm, thething that I had literally
worked my entire life to get.
The job that was kind of thecherry on top, the creme de la
(11:00):
creme, the thing that allattorneys in private practice,
that's what they work for.
To earn a partnership in a largefirm.
And I had been, I'd been apartner in a, in a small
boutique firm before I had, Iwas running a part of a
corporate legal departmentduring the global recession, I
(11:21):
actually had my own practice fora while, so I had experienced
all sorts of different ownershipand management situations
through my career.
So yeah, I'd been there for 20years doing practicing law,
commercial real estate, and I'deven been in ownership and
management positions.
But this one was different.
This was, this was the bigcheese, right?
(11:43):
When I was going to law school,this is how I expected I would
end my career.
As a partner at a large firm.
To become a partner in a largefirm, you spend almost, it's
almost a two year process, wherethey look at everything about
your legal practice up to thatpoint to figure out if You are
(12:05):
worthy of being considered tojoin the partnership.
So, you know, they look at howmany hours are you billing?
How much work are you bringingin?
Who are you working with in thefirm?
I mean, are you just working onprojects that they give you or
are you seeking outopportunities to work with other
partners in different offices?
Are you mentoring associates?
(12:26):
Who are under you?
Are you mentoring paralegalsthat are on your team?
It's, it's a, it's a large scopeof information and, and they
collect it obviously all throughyour career, but they really
focus on the last two yearsprior to the partnership vote.
And the last step before goingto vote is this partnership
(12:48):
admission interview.
It's exactly like you wouldexpect it to be in a corner
conference room in a high risebuilding in a large city.
You know, floor to ceilingwindows, large mahogany table in
the middle.
Fifteen of those black, highbacked, leather conference room
chairs around them full ofpartners.
(13:11):
And then me.
And you go to the partnershipadmission interview and, and by
this time they know so muchabout you, I swear to God.
I think they're just trying tomake sure that you're not an
asshole, that you can answer asimple question.
You know, like, they want to layeyes on you so that they can
vouch for you when it goes tothe partnership.
(13:31):
Vote.
The last question they asked mewas, How will your job change if
you are lucky enough to beinvited to join the partnership?
And because I'm a verbalprocessor, which is why
podcasting works so great forme.
I, I was kind of, I, one, Iwasn't expecting the question
and, you know, it wasn't likeone of those standard interview
(13:53):
questions that, you know, whatis your greatest weakness?
Oh, well, I'm a perfectionist.
For some reason, I wasn'tprepared for it.
And I hadn't really thoughtabout it, so I'm working my way
through an answer, which is Idon't think my job is going to
change that much.
I'm already mentoring theassociates on my team.
I'm already bringing in a ton ofbusiness.
(14:15):
I'm co chairing the marketingdepartment for the Boise office.
I'm co chairing the foundationcommittee for the Boise office.
I mean, I was already acting asif I was a partner.
So I said, I didn't think my jobwould change that much.
Really.
The only thing that would changeis my title would go from of
counsel to partner and ofcounsel just means that you're a
(14:36):
senior attorney who is not apartner and is not really on the
partnership track.
Unless you're in the legalfield, nobody knows what that
is.
So being a partner helps withbusiness development because
everyone wants to work with apartner.
Um, so I told him, you know, I,I think it'll be easier for me
to bring in business because my,my title will change.
(14:57):
And then the only other thingthat I could think of that would
change is I'd be making moremoney.
So the way I was compensated.
And with that, the meeting wasover and I flew back to Boise.
And there was something aboutthat question that did just this
little niggle that I could notget it out of my head for, for
weeks.
(15:17):
I just kept thinking about it,not because I hadn't answered it
correctly, because I startedthinking, When have you ever
done anything for money?
And I, I hadn't up until thatpoint.
I mean, there were points in mycareer where because I had a
really good opportunity, I wouldactually take a pay cut if I was
making a job change.
(15:37):
So money, money is great, butfor me it was never the, the
highest motivating factor onwhether I was going to take a
job or not.
The other thing that I justcouldn't move past was this
whole idea that I've beensuffering from a case of the
Sundays for years.
How did I think that that wasgoing to go away just because I
(16:01):
was a partner?
In fact, I'd already told them,and truthfully, rightfully so,
that my job wasn't going tochange at all.
I mean, if I really thoughtabout it, it would probably get
a little more political, right?
Because I'd be going to moremeetings, uh, involved in more
leadership, which always hasgood and bad with it, right?
(16:22):
You certainly have to play thepolitics game a little bit more.
But, did I want to still carrythat Sunday shit with me every
week?
Did I want to live a futurewhere I was billing 40, 50, 60
hours a week?
Is that what I really hadenvisioned for my life?
(16:45):
After thinking about it for acouple of weeks, I went into the
administrative partner's officeand I waited until the last part
of the day to walk into hisoffice.
And there were a couple oftimes, because, you know, I'm
pretty anxious about it.
Like, this is, this is a bigdecision.
And I, I was really nervousabout it.
(17:06):
And I would walk by his office acouple of times and the door was
closed, or he was in a meeting,or he was on the phone.
I was like, oh, thank God.
I don't have to do it right now.
But I waited until the very lastminute after work hours that
day.
And I still remember, you know,I had my navy blue, it was the
middle of summer.
So it was, it was July and I hadthis sleeveless, um, navy blue
(17:30):
poplin mini dress on, veryattorney, but also summer,
whatever.
And I walk in and I sit down andI say, I'm going to make this
really easy on the partnershipadmission committee.
I'm withdrawing my name fromconsideration for partnership.
He takes off his glasses andjust kind of rubs his eyes a
(17:53):
little bit.
Like, this, this is not what Iwas hoping for you to come in
here and tell me.
Puts his glasses back on, looksat me, and I, and then I just
continued and I said, and I'mleaving the firm.
I'm leaving the law.
And it was, I'm not gonna sayangels sang at that moment, but
I could just feel this weight onmy shoulders.
(18:15):
Dissipate.
That, yes, I was anxious to goin and essentially walk away
from the career that I had goneto college for for four years,
spent three years in law school,graduated with 130, 000 of law
school debt in 1998.
So that was, that was more thanpeople paid for their mortgage
(18:38):
on their first house.
Some of them had even on theirsecond house, right?
It was a big chunk of money.
But for the first time ever.
Even though I still had loans topay back because yeah, I was, I
was I was in it 20 years, butthe interest rates were high,
and I had a lot of debt to payback.
But I just, I figured there wassome way that I could figure
(19:01):
this out.
And there was some way that Icould do something that I
wouldn't dread going to workevery week.
I didn't know what that wasthen.
I know that was the rightchoice.
At the time, I did not know why.
And this is where the whole mindblowing realization that I
(19:23):
recently had came in to be.
And I think it's exactly why somany high performing women
experience this sort of midlifeangst, or this midlife
questioning, or this feeling ofwhat's next for me, or I'm
running out of time, or how canI, How can I do what I want to
do when I don't even know whatthat is?
(19:45):
So, however you label it, Ithink a lot of us find ourselves
in that spot.
And what occurred to me justrecently was I had said in fifth
grade I was going to become anattorney.
5th grade when I was tapped toplay the part of an attorney in
(20:11):
my history class in 5th grade.
My client lost because I hadspent the better part of the
night before worrying about wasthe clothing that I was wearing,
did it look attorney enough?
Um, so actually I wore a brownherringbone tweed blazer.
(20:31):
This cream ruffled front blousewith a, with a bow on it.
Probably had a skirt on.
But I remember the blazer andthe blouse.
And I spent a lot of timepicking that out because I
wanted to look just right.
I spent so much time thinkingabout my wardrobe that I started
(20:52):
panicking the night beforebecause I didn't have my
argument written out.
And I was kind of talking backand forth with my dad about it.
And we were sussing out what theargument could be and how I
could best represent my client.
And, and I begged him toessentially distill our
conversation, which, which weremy comments and, and my
(21:14):
thoughts.
But dad, can you please writethem on the little index cards
so that when I go up to thefront and I deliver it.
Like, it'll be written insentences, and instead of just
this, all this, whatever's goingon in my head.
And he did, he wrote it down inhis perfectly printed
(21:34):
penmanship.
And so it's time to go up.
It's my time to shine, it's mytime to present.
I get up, and the cards,unbeknownst to me, fall out of
my peachy as I'm walking to thefront of the room.
I get to the front, and I'msearching through the peachy,
and I cannot find my cards.
(21:55):
And of course my whole braingoes blank because I, I, I don't
even know what I'm going to say.
Because I hadn't rehearsed it.
I was, I had talked about itjust very loosely with my dad.
I had read the cards after hehad distilled it and I had no
idea what I was going to say.
My client lost.
But from that point forward, Iwas like, I'm going to be an
(22:16):
attorney.
Like, I declared it at thatpoint.
And I did it because lookingback, I did it for two reasons.
Number one, it seemed like animportant job to me.
It seemed like somethingsomebody smart and successful
would do.
They would be an attorney.
And for those of you who areabout my age, you know that when
(22:38):
we When I went to school, there,it felt like there were only so
many jobs that so many careersthat were available to us, you
know, attorney, doctor, teacher,engineer, nurse, it was a much
different environment,especially in fifth grade.
No one should be choosing theircareer in fifth grade, but I
(23:01):
did.
But I chose it for two reasons.
Number one, because it seemedlike an important career.
And two, it also seemed like itwas a stable career that I could
support my family.
Why was a stable careerimportant?
Important to me because I grewup very middle class.
(23:21):
No one was worrying about, youknow, is, is there gonna be food
on the table this week?
But my parents fought aboutmoney a lot, especially, you
know, if it wasn't paydayFriday, it just felt like there
was a lot of tension in thehouse about how much money there
was and was there enough tospend.
(23:41):
And I.
At least in fifth grade, I wasaware enough of it to realize
that I wanted somethingdifferent for my life.
That if I could have a careerwhere I wasn't living paycheck
to paycheck, that sounded great.
And for my little fifth grademind, I was like an attorney.
(24:01):
It's important.
It's stable.
I won't be living paycheck topaycheck.
Perfect.
And what's so interesting, andthis is the part that I realized
just recently, was like, holyshit.
I decided in fifth grade I wasgoing to be an attorney.
And so I did it.
Right?
Fifth grade Laurie said, this iswhat your life is going to look
(24:24):
like.
And so, because I'm a woman ofmy word, even In, when I'm 10
years old, I did the damn thing.
From that point on, it was like,okay, well, how do I become an
attorney?
I, I, I went to college.
I even made sure that therewasn't any special pre law
(24:46):
course of study.
You could, you could really endup with any sort of degree and
go to law school.
So I picked a major that wasinteresting to me, that was fun.
It was design and planningstudies in the College of
Architecture and Urban Planning,so I could flex that kind of
creative muscle that I have, andI got to build things and draw
(25:09):
things, and it was great.
I loved it.
But with this idea, you know,I'm never gonna do that for a
job.
I just, I'm gonna go to lawschool.
And then I went to law schooland every decision I made
growing up was how do I becomean attorney?
And then once I became anattorney, once I graduated and
(25:32):
had my first job, it was asthough I was searching for this
Attorney job that would bring methe fulfillment and satisfaction
that I was craving because I wasdoing exactly what I was
expected to do.
What, what was I, I was doingexactly what I had told myself I
(25:53):
was going to do, which was I'mgoing to become an attorney.
And I never once from that pointon.
Questioned whether that was theright thing for me until I'd
been doing it for 20 fuckingyears, right?
I, I may be the slowest learnerever.
Or maybe it was just my blindoptimism that thought, you know
(26:14):
what, if I just stick with this.
Someday it's gonna all feelright.
I'm going to find the perfectjob as an attorney that finally
lights me up.
That I don't have a case of theSundays anymore.
I love going to work.
I love what I do.
And I never found it.
(26:34):
Because it wasn't what I wanted.
And that's what I recentlyfigured out, was no wonder being
an attorney wasn't filling meup, wasn't making me happy,
wasn't, sure it was paying thebills, but from a mental
standpoint, from an emotionalstandpoint, it was not what I
(26:58):
wanted.
And when I look back, I wonderif I would have been a little
bit more self aware.
Would you have actually done allthat to become an attorney when
it's probably not what youwanted?
It might have been what 5thgrade Laurie wanted, it's not
what midlife Laurie wanted.
(27:19):
And that's the part that I thinkso many of us Have gotten to
midlife on this path that weenvisioned at some point in our
life.
Well, either we envisioned it orsomeone envisioned it for us.
Like we were kind of given the,the, this is what you're going
to do.
(27:41):
But I think more and more ashigh performing midlife women,
we have to stop and we have toask ourselves.
Is the life that we're living,is that what our younger self
wanted?
Or is that what we actually wantin life?
And it's okay that that changes.
(28:01):
I mean, maybe it was what yearold you wanted.
Or 30 year old you wanted.
Or maybe even 40 year old youwanted.
But what do you want now?
What do you want for the secondhalf of your life?
And that's the, that, that's thecrux.
That's the thing that youactually have to figure out.
Because that fulfillment Thesatisfaction, the happiness that
(28:26):
we are all seeking, thatsometimes feels like, like we're
never gonna get there.
We just keep adding more to ourto do list.
We just keep pushing off our owndreams.
We, we think, I will finallyfeel The way I expected to feel
once I get the next promotion,once I earn the next
(28:48):
achievement, once I retire, oncethe kids graduate.
I mean, we keep pushing out ourown personal satisfaction and
happiness until someday.
Because we don't know what wewant.
And when we don't know what wewant, we can't, one, we can't
put together a plan to make thatwant, that wanting.
We, we don't know how to bringthat and make that a reality.
(29:10):
We don't know how to bring it tolife.
But because we don't know whatwe want, we also just stay doing
what it is that we have alwaysdone with this expectation that
at some point, we're going tofeel the way we think we should
feel.
At some point, we'll be able todo something different.
At some point, if the time isright and everyone else is
(29:33):
settled and the timing isperfect, Everything else is
going swimmingly and the livesof everyone around me, then,
then I'll be able to do what Iwant to do.
But it all starts with what doyou want?
What do you actually want?
Not, not what your parentstaught you would want.
(29:55):
Not what society tells you towant.
Not what your friends say youshould want.
Not what social media says youshould want.
But what is it you actuallywant?
That's where you need to start.
And then once you know that, andthere are plenty of ways that,
that we drill down into thatanswer.
Because if, if it were as easyto figure out by just saying,
(30:19):
what do I want?
Then we would all know it's notthat easy.
So there are ways that I workwith my coaching clients to
really tease that out, to drilldown and get to the kernel of
what it is you actually want.
And once we know that, then wecan take it a step further,
which is.
Okay, now I know what I wantwhen I think about living a
(30:42):
successful life, when I thinkabout what does success mean to
me, that's the second step iswe, we figure out, well, the
definition of success that weare taught from a very young age
is what is your job title andhow much money do you make that
hasn't been working for usbecause so many of us are
successful and yet we still wantfor more.
(31:05):
We don't know why.
Okay.
Well, it's because we areliving, not only a life that
maybe we want, maybe we don't,but we've been conditioned to
want it.
We're, we're living by someoneelse's definition of success.
So we need to just do somereprogramming.
We don't have to throw the babyout with the bathwater.
We don't have to start all over.
We don't have to burn down ourexisting life.
(31:28):
We don't have to press therestart button and start over.
I mean, some of you might, butfor the most part, it's just
some really small tweaks.
What do you want?
How do you define success?
And then once you know theanswer, your personal answer to
those two things, then we getreally clear on Man, if I could
(31:49):
wave a magic wand right now andgive you your dream life, your
best life, what does that evenlook like?
Because if you're like me, formost of us, we stopped dreaming
a very long time ago.
And I'm not talking about likeprincess and unicorn type of
dreams.
(32:10):
I'm talking about Well, fifthgrade Laurie wanted to be an
attorney.
That was her dream.
She made that her reality.
And then she finally realized,this is, this is weird that I'm
talking about myself in thethird person, but, but then I
finally realized, you know what?
That's not my dream anymore.
And for a lot of us, it's timeto actually dream some adult
(32:32):
dreams.
A dream is just an aspiration.
It's a, it's a vision ofsomething you want.
It's, it's a way of, of being.
It's, it's open ended.
So many of us have reallygotten, confused isn't the right
word, but we mix up goals anddreams.
(32:55):
Where goals are these actionablesteps, they're detailed plans,
there's timelines involved.
And we seem to think that if weare accomplishing a lot of
goals, then we're accomplishinga lot of dreams, and we're
making those dreams a reality.
But dreams are bigger than that.
They're more Undefined, theyrequire you to step back and
(33:17):
actually imagine some thingsinstead of constantly being in
the doing dreams actually makeyou step back and think about
how do I want to be?
How do I want to show up?
How do I want to live my life?
And then once we know that, oncewe know what your best life
looks like, once we know whatthat best life dream is, then we
(33:38):
can create some goals thatsupport that, some milestones to
actually make that your reality.
But it all starts with what doyou want?
And for so many high performingwomen, we have been focused on
creating the reality that wedreamed when we were young.
(33:58):
And because we've been sofocused on that, because we've
been so focused on doing thethings that we said we would do,
we thought we wanted, we're juston the, we're on the plan.
It's, it's on the plan.
It's on the checklist.
It's on autopilot for a lot ofus.
Because we've been doing that,we have Forgotten to, neglected
(34:20):
to, we have not stopped to takea step back and think is this
still what I want?
Because just like dreams, thosewants can change over time.
And that doesn't mean thatyou're not successful, or you've
done something wrong, or you'rea bad person.
But we, we have to be able tochange our mind.
(34:43):
Because we've got moreexperience, we've got more life
behind us.
We've done.
More things and when we wereyoung and we set those, uh,
initial dreams for our life.
And so it's time to check in andsay, Is this still working for
me?
Is this still what I want?
And if the answer is no, thenlet's do something about it
(35:06):
before it's too late.
And again, I'm not saying let'sstart all over.
You don't have to end yourmarriage and move to a new town
and give up your career.
It's very possible that somepieces of your life just aren't
working for you anymore.
And that's okay.
There's nothing wrong with that.
You 100 percent will not have tostart from zero, but at least
(35:27):
you'll be living a life that isauthentic to you.
One that is what you want.
One that is the definition thatyou give of success.
One that is, when you close youreyes and you think about your
best life, that is the life Iwant you to be living.
If that sounds like somethingthat you would be interested in,
(35:50):
there are a couple of coachingopportunities that are coming up
in March that you should beaware of.
I am opening up just a smallhandful of one on one coaching
spots.
Uh, I, I don't do this veryoften, so there are some spots
to work one on one with me.
There will also be a new intakeof the GAP here, which is the
(36:14):
School of Midlife SignatureGroup Pro Group Coaching
Program.
It's been completely retooled.
Um, I'm very excited about howthat is being rolled out.
Instead of a year long program,you get all of the information,
all of the modules, all of thecoaching the minute you sign up.
And it's a self paced programwith a six week accelerator.
(36:36):
I, I'll, I'll, I'll tell youmore about that as we, as we get
closer, but, um, If that'ssomething that's interesting to
you, then, then I'll drop aclickable link in the show notes
and you can get yourself signedup on the priority list so that
you are aware of when the intakeis happening.
But I'm gonna leave you withthis.
We can one shot at this life.
(36:57):
And most of us are living prettydamn good lives.
It just feels like something'smissing.
And it's time to find out whatthat is.
It's time to start living a lifethat is meaningful to adult you.
That makes sense with the dreamsthat adult you is dreaming.
(37:19):
It's, it's so great that littleus, you know, that are, that
little girl who had all of thesedreams and aspirations, many of
which we have already fulfilled,we have already achieved, now
it's time to do somethingdifferent.
It's time to figure out how wewant to spend the second half of
our life.
It's time to dream some adultdreams so that we can make the
(37:40):
second half of our life our verybest life yet.
Make, make midlife your bestlife, right?
I'm curious, what is thisbringing up for you?
When you think about your liferight now, and you think about
the dreams that you weredreaming as little you Is your
life that you're living rightnow, is it closer to the dreams
(38:01):
you were dreaming when you werelittle, or has it changed?
Do you, do you find that youhave actually become an adult
dreamer?
I, I know that a lot of peoplefeel like dreams are really
wishy washy, but you can'tcreate the life you want to live
if you don't have the picture ofwhat that looks like.
And what that takes is some timeto actually Again, think about
(38:22):
what you want, how you definesuccess, what your best life
looks like.
And that is going to require youto take a step back, take a
pause, and really, if you don'tlike dream, but think big
picture, think pie in the sky.
Think if you could wave a magicwand and live the life that of
your dreams.
(38:43):
Your best life.
What would that look like?
Is that a closer to what adultyou thinks for her life?
Or are you still living like Iwas living for so long?
Are you still living accordingto those dreams that little you
dreamed?
I'd love to know.
Let me know.
Take a screenshot of whereveryou're listening to the podcast
(39:03):
today, screenshot that, tag me,let me know.
I would love to hear from you.
Thank you so much for being heretoday.
Like I said, I am alwaysthrilled to have you here to
spend some time with me eachweek.
And will you let me know Do youlike the video format?
Do you prefer the audio?
Will you ever watch the video?
(39:24):
Are you just going to stick toaudio?
Shoot me a DM or send me anemail because I would just love
to hear what you think.
Have a great week.
I will see you back here nextweek when the School of Midlife
is back in session.
Until then, take good care.
Thank you so much for listeningto the School of Midlife
podcast.
It means so much to have youhere each week.
(39:45):
If you enjoyed this episode,could you do me the biggest
favor and help us spread theword to other midlife women?
There are a couple of easy waysfor you to do that.
First, and most importantly, Ifyou're not already following the
show, would you pleasesubscribe?
That helps you because you'llnever miss an episode, and it
helps us because you'll nevermiss an episode.
(40:08):
Second, if you'd be so kind toleave us a five star rating,
that would be absolutelyincredible.
And finally, I personally readeach and every one of your
reviews, so if you'd take aminute and say some nice things
about the podcast, well, that'sjust good karma.
Thanks again for listening.
I'll see you right back herenext week, when the School and
Midlife is back in session.
(40:29):
Until then, take good care.
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