April 29, 2025 • 29 mins
Topics Discussed: Midlife success, redefine success, fulfillment in midlife, chasing goals, personal satisfaction, self-worth
✨ Show Notes:
In midlife, many high-achieving women realize something startling: they’ve checked all the boxes—but still feel unfulfilled.
In this thoughtful and powerful episode of The School of Midlife podcast, Laurie Reynoldson explores a critical question: What does success actually mean to you?
Spoiler: it’s not your job title. It’s not your paycheck. And it’s definitely not keeping up with the neighbors on Instagram.
Laurie shares:
- Why societal definitions of success are keeping women stuck in a cycle of chasing and disappointment
- How moving the goalposts keeps you from ever feeling "enough"
- The deep importance of creating your own definition of success
- How self-worth and fulfillment are inside jobs—not tied to accolades or approval
- The story of the fisherman and the businessman (and why it perfectly illustrates the trap we fall into)
If you’ve ever wondered “Shouldn’t I feel happier by now?” or “Is this all there is?”, this episode will help you stop chasing someone else’s version of success—and start living life on your own terms.
🛑 Key Takeaways:
- Success is an inside job, not an external validation.
- If you don't define success for yourself, society will—and you'll never feel "done."
- Simplicity is powerful: true success is often living the life you already have (but on purpose).
- Stop moving the goalposts and start celebrating what already makes you fulfilled.
📌 LINKS + MENTIONS:
💬 Listener Love:
“This episode changed how I see my life. I already had what I was chasing.”
“Laurie’s fisherman story was a gut-punch. So good.”
“A must-listen if you feel stuck chasing success that never feels like enough.”
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
But the problem is.
(00:02):
We'll never get there because wejust keep moving the mark
because we don't actually knowwhat it is that we're working
towards.
And if you don't know how youdefine success.
Then here's a question I havefor you.
How will, you know, when youachieve it?
Welcome to the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm your host, LaurieReynoldson.
(00:23):
This is the podcast for themidlife woman who starting to
ask herself big life questions.
Like, what do I want?
Is it too late for me?
And what's my legacy beyond myfamily and my work.
Each week we're answering thesequestions and more.
At the School of Midlife, we'relearning all of the life lessons
(00:44):
they didn't teach us in schooland we're figuring out finally
what it is we want to be when wegrow up.
Let's make midlife your bestlife.
Hey there.
Welcome back to the School ofMidlife podcast.
I am so excited that you arehere today.
(01:05):
we are talking about.
Success.
I've had a lot of conversationswith women lately.
And it just, it feels like.
Very successful women are stillgrappling with this idea of.
Why don't I feel like I'msuccessful.
I mean, I, I feel like I've doneall the things that were
(01:25):
expected of me.
But I just feel like something'smissing.
So in order to get to the bottomof.
Some of those feelings becausethey, they really seem.
I don't know if it's the time ofthe year.
But they seem very pervasivethat there are a lot of women
(01:48):
right now who are worried about.
Getting back on track or theyjust, you know, They feel like
they, they took some of the timeof the summer off.
And they want to get back intothe new routine.
So they talk about getting backon track.
Maybe it is that they're lookingat the, the rest of the year.
I mean, at the time his episodesdrops.
(02:09):
It is October.
And there are.
Three months left in the year.
So.
I'm not sure what's in thewater, but.
I feel like there are a lot ofwomen right now who are talking
about success and what it meansto them and, and feeling like
they're not measuring up.
Trying to figure out how theyneed to double down and get back
(02:31):
on track and, you know, You getback on the success train.
So that's what we're talkingabout today.
I'm going to start with one ofmy favorite quotes by Maya
Angelou.
And she says that success isliking yourself.
Liking what you do and likinghow you do it.
(02:54):
Notice there is nothing in thatquote that talks about.
Your job title or your salary?
And what's so interesting to meis that is how we are taught to
measure success.
Isn't it.
What is your job title?
What is your salary?
So this idea of success isintegrally tied to what we do
(03:21):
and how we're compensated.
And that's, that's also similarto, if you, if you will look up
success in a dictionary.
There are a number of differentdefinitions.
But they all kind of relate tothis idea of it's an
accomplishment of an aim oraccomplishment of a purpose.
(03:42):
Or some sort of satisfactorycompletion or outcome of a task.
So it's very externally.
Driven.
You know, things that, thatother people can see and we'll
circle back to this.
The difference between externalvalidation and internal
(04:03):
validation.
But suffice it to say.
We have been taught.
Pretty much our whole life tomeasure success by.
Our job title and our salary.
And.
I would submit that.
Those, those should only bereally a small piece of how we
(04:25):
define success.
I mean, what about.
shouldn't our mental health andour physical health and
relationships, growthopportunities, job satisfaction,
just kind of all of those.
Pieces of our life.
Shouldn't those also be includedin a definition of success.
(04:49):
I think that they should.
What's what's interesting to methough, is as mid-life women.
Most of us.
Have.
Grown up with this idea that inorder to be successful, We need
to check all of the, what I,what I like to call the success
boxes right there on achecklist.
(05:11):
They, they are things like go toschool, check, get a job, check,
buy a house, get married, havekids check, check, check.
So they are things that people.
Expect us to do that.
We have been conditioned towant.
And conditioned to definesuccess in that way.
(05:32):
But let me, let me ask you this.
I mean, I don't have kids.
Sure.
I went to school and I got a joband I got married and I bought a
house, but I don't have kids.
So does that make me.
Unsuccessful.
I don't think so.
Similarly, what about thestay-at-home mom?
(05:52):
Who gets married and, you know,goes to school, gets married.
And stays home.
I mean, never really gets a jobor if she does get a job.
Leaves the workforce to raiseher children.
I don't think anyone would saythat she's not successful.
So the question then becomes.
How do you define success?
(06:13):
And I think it's probablydifferent for everyone.
Um, But it's, it's very hard.
If you ask.
Of midlife woman.
Are you successful?
It's hard for them to answer.
Yes.
Because.
(06:35):
They have been programmed tobelieve that success is.
Invariably measured.
By the next thing.
That we're chasing.
Right.
Because.
We've been conditioned up tothis point.
We've been conditioned by ourparents.
(06:57):
And society who have told us.
What we should want and whatsuccess looks like.
So instead of trying to getquiet and listen to the inner
voice inside.
Of all of us.
We.
Succumb to some of the noise.
That we can only be successful.
(07:17):
If.
We are successful by theparameters that society gives
us.
And what's interesting aboutthat.
Is then success.
Is this yardstick by which weuse to compare ourselves to
everyone else around us.
Right.
it can become this dangerousunproductive loop that.
(07:41):
We can only be successful ifwe're successful by what society
values or how society.
Define success.
And again, that's a lot of timesearn the degree, get the job,
get married, have kids.
By the house.
Have the cars have the vacationhome.
(08:02):
It's this, this constant keepingup with the Joneses, this, this
constant comparison, you know,how are you doing compared to
your parents?
How are you doing compared toyour siblings or your neighbors?
Or your friends or even yourfrenemies.
It's so interesting to me that.
(08:23):
with social media.
We are finding ourselves whetherwe are consciously do it.
Or not, but we're comparingourselves to.
People from high school, evenpeople we didn't even talk to in
high school, but because socialmedia.
(08:44):
Puts all of it out there for usto see.
Now, not only are we comparingourselves by our, are we
successful by every societalmeasure?
But.
Are we as successful or moresuccessful or less successful?
Then the people that we went tohigh school with that we didn't
even talk to.
(09:05):
Right.
I mean.
Who cares about their opinionsof us, who cares if they think
that we're successful?
But by and large, we do it allthe time.
I mean, Why, why do we care thatthe cheerleader from high
school, the one that, you know,we had nothing in common with
and who wasn't particularly niceto us.
(09:26):
Why do we care that she has anew car?
Or that she has a new vacationhome or that she's got, you
know, she just got divorced andshe's got this huge rock on her
finger.
Think about it.
I mean, We tend as women, wetend to use comparison.
(09:47):
So that we feel.
Better about ourselves.
You know, maybe we don't lovethe way our body looks.
But it looks much better thanthis woman or a much better than
that woman, or maybe we'refeeling a little under
appreciated at home, but wow.
I mean, we're doing a muchbetter job parenting our child
(10:08):
than say this person or thatperson.
And there's probably some guiltmom, guilt.
Is is totally a thing.
I.
I obviously haven't experienced,but I know my friends who are
mothers and work outside of thehome.
They feel terrible and guiltythat, maybe they miss a game or.
(10:30):
Um, they're not home in time tohelp with the math homework.
And so somebody else has to helptheir child figure that out.
But whatever it is, there's,there's always this.
Guilt associated with, should Ibe home more?
Should, you know, should I stopworking?
But I, I like working and isn'tthat setting a good example for
(10:52):
my daughter.
And my children that, that theirmother is.
Employed outside of the homedoing something for her that
brings her a lot ofsatisfaction.
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, Until we know how wedefine success.
(11:13):
Then we will never be able tostop that constant comparison.
Right.
We'll always be trying to figureup.
How are we measuring up?
Are we doing better than ourparents did.
Our 401k's bigger than oursiblings.
You know that the neighborsmoved in, in the big brand new
(11:35):
house.
Are they financially better offthan we are.
Instead of.
Figuring out what's important tous and how we define success,
We're stuck on this constantcomparison.
How am I doing compared toeveryone else around me,
everyone else in my life.
Everyone else that I see onsocial media.
(11:59):
And here's another problem withnot knowing how we individually
define success.
We are super good at moving thegoalpost.
And what I mean by that.
Is.
When we finally achievesomething big, something that
(12:20):
we've been working towards.
So maybe we finally earned thepromotion at work.
Or we train and finish our firstmarathon or we finally make
partner or we celebrate theanniversary or some other big
milestone.
Most people would think thatthat would be a cornerstone or a
(12:45):
mark of success.
And, and it is, and you shouldthink you are successful when
you get that promotion or runthe marathon or celebrate the
milestone.
But here's the thing.
Because.
You are chasing success.
(13:05):
In the way that society has toldyou, you should want to receive
it.
Right?
So you are.
successful by the societalmeasure, not necessarily how you
define success.
The problem with that is onceyou achieve whatever the thing
is that you thought would makeyou successful.
(13:26):
You're going to get to thatsuccess.
Marker.
And you won't feel like youthought you would.
You.
Might have a fleeting moment offeeling successful.
But the problem is.
It won't stick.
Because.
Your.
Again, in this comparison.
(13:47):
Your doing things to look goodto other people, to earn their
approval, to get theirvalidation.
And so it's not going toactually fill you up internally
in the way that you hoped itwould.
So to combat that.
The assumption.
(14:09):
Is naturally, well, I just, Ineed to do more.
I won't be successful until I domore.
And so.
The cycle starts again, right.
We double down and add more tothe to-do list and busy up the
calendar.
And.
Internally, whether we realizeit or not, we are telling
(14:33):
ourselves, well, if this didn'tmake me successful, I need to
keep going until I do.
I need to set my sights higher.
I need to move that goalpostfarther away.
And just keep working until Iget there.
But the problem is.
We'll never get there because wejust keep moving the mark
(14:56):
because we don't actually knowwhat it is that we're working
towards.
And if you don't know how youdefine success.
Then here's a question I havefor you.
How will, you know, when youachieve it?
Because if we don't know.
What it is.
That.
Would make us feel successful.
(15:19):
If we don't know how weindividually define success.
Then we're just going to keepchasing success.
Most of this is tied to a lot ofexternal validation and approval
that.
We were raised to crave when wewere little We can go into
(15:43):
internal family system someother time or inner child trauma
and coping mechanisms, becausethis all relates back to that.
But.
The truth is if, If you weretrying to succeed in other areas
of your life, because you werechasing that external validation
or that approval that you sodesperately want.
(16:04):
You're never going to feelsuccessful.
Because.
Truth is that externalvalidation in that approval?
You.
You're not going to find it.
If that's the only thing thatyou're searching for.
And.
I might add that I.
(16:25):
Don't think.
It's the external validation andapproval.
you're looking for.
Yeah, that might feel good for ahot minute.
When somebody around, you sayshow I'm really impressed by what
you did there, orcongratulations.
That that was incredible.
You really did a great job onthat presentation.
(16:46):
You knocked it out of the park.
That feels good.
Right?
When somebody sees us doingsomething good and they
compliment a sonnet, they rewardus for it.
But.
Until you.
They get busy correcting.
Gosh, how do I want to say this?
(17:09):
Most of us are.
Working.
Seeking.
Trying to find.
The feeling that makes us feellike we finally have everything
we always thought we everwanted.
Right.
Because then we'll feelfulfilled, then we'll be
(17:30):
successful.
But.
Here's the hard truth.
That's an inside job.
It's completely tied to knowingwhat you want and not what
you've been conditioned towatch.
But what you actually want.
And why you want it.
(17:50):
And.
Knowing believing.
Understanding that you'realready enough.
Right now.
Just as you are.
Even if you never accomplishedor achieved anything else.
You have to believe on somelevel and not just surface
(18:11):
level, but actually deep downbelieve that.
Your enough.
And you're worthy right now.
Even if you don't.
Succeed at anything else in yourlife?
I know from conversations withhigh achieving mid-life women,
that they are so damn tired ofpeople.
(18:34):
posting things about, oh, I amenough or hashtag I am worthy.
things along those lines,because.
They feel like it placateswomen, you know, it's kinda
talking down to them.
I mean, these are highachieving, very successful
women.
So, of course they're enough.
Of course they're worthy.
(18:55):
But interestingly enough.
While they're saying that on onehand, they don't necessarily
believe it on the other.
So.
It's important.
No, in fact, it's imperative.
That.
If you really are chasingsuccess.
If you really want to feel thatway.
(19:19):
You need to start at home.
You've got to figure out what isgoing to make you feel worthy
and make you feel enough.
And no.
That right now.
You are, and no one can do thatfor you.
That is a internal belief.
That, that you absolutely needto embrace and take it as.
(19:42):
Fact.
Believe it as fact.
The you don't need anythingelse.
To make you more successful ormake you feel more successful.
I want to share with you thestory of a fishermen.
This one has gone around before.
So you may have heard it before,or at least some version of it.
(20:04):
But I think it beautifullyillustrates what I'm talking
about today.
So here's the story of thefishermen.
And American investment bankerwho was at the pier of a small
coastal Greek village when asmall boat with, with just one
fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat wereseveral large tuna the fishermen
(20:29):
had just caught.
The American, complimented theman on the quality of his fish
and asked how long it took himto catch them.
The fishermen replied.
Well only a little while.
And then the American asked,well then why didn't you stay
out longer and catch more fish?
The fishermen said he had enoughto support his family's
immediate needs.
(20:50):
The American men asks.
But what do you do with the restof your time?
The fishermen said, well, Isleep late.
I fish a little during the day.
I go home and I play with mychildren.
I take naps with my wife.
Then I stroll into the villageeach evening where I sip wine
and play guitar with my friends.
(21:10):
And he sat back for a moment.
He smiled and he said, I have avery full and busy life.
And the American scoffed.
I am a wealthy and successfulbusinessman.
I have a Harvard MBA and I couldhelp you.
You know what.
You should spend more timefishing.
(21:32):
And with those proceeds buy abigger boat.
And then with the proceeds, fromthe bigger boat, you could buy
several boats.
And eventually you would own anentire fleet of fishing boats.
So instead of selling your catchto a middleman, you could then
sell directly to the processor.
(21:53):
And eventually opened your owncannery.
Then you could control theproduct, the processing, the
distribution.
You, I mean, You would need toleave this small coastal fishing
village and move to Athens.
Of course.
Because you need to be there torun your expanding enterprise.
(22:14):
Fishermen thought for a minuteand asked.
But how long will all of thistake?
The American replied.
15 to 20 years.
And then what asked thefishermen?
The American laughed and said,that's the best part.
When the time is right.
(22:34):
You could then announce an IPOand sell your company stock to
the public and become very rich.
You would make millions.
Millions asked the fishermen.
Then what.
The American said, well, thenyou could retire.
You can move to a small coastal.
(22:54):
Fishing village, where you wouldsleep late, fish, a little play
with your kids.
Take naps with your wife strollto the village in the evenings
where you could sip wine andplay guitar with your friends.
Seeing the problem here.
I mean the fishermen had, healready had everything he ever
wanted.
He already was successful by hisdefinition of success.
(23:16):
Why then would he change?
The way he was living because hew because someone else.
Told him that he would be moresuccessful if he did something.
A different way.
And that in my opinion is thebiggest reason to figure out.
How you define success?
(23:38):
Because you're probably alreadymore successful than you think.
Hear me when I say this.
If your definition of success isa job you love.
A spouse or a partner you love.
Taking time off to take avacation each year, raising
healthy children.
(23:59):
And you already have thosethings.
Then your already successful.
You're already a success.
It doesn't matter what yourtitle is or what your salary is.
If you define success as a job,you love.
A partner.
You love.
(24:19):
Some time to take a vacationevery year.
Raising healthy children.
And you already have those.
You're already a success.
You don't have to live thisexorbitant life to be
successful.
In fact, in my opinion, thesimpler, your definition of
success, the more likely you areto be successful.
(24:43):
And, and don't get me wronghere.
I'm not saying that you shouldlower your standards.
You don't need to settle for alife that doesn't.
Doesn't make you feel the feel.
Doesn't make you feel the feel.
Oh my gosh.
That is hard.
That is a tongue twister.
Doesn't make you feel fulfilled.
(25:06):
Third.
Time's the charm there.
You don't have to beunfulfilled.
Let's say it that way.
You don't have to settle forthat.
You don't have to settle forsomething that.
Isn't ultimately what you want.
But if you take inventory ofyour life right now and realize
that you already have everythingthat you want and it makes you
(25:28):
happy.
Then the next question is, doyou really need to take on more
responsibilities at work?
Do you need to buy the newestcar?
Or move to the bigger house orconstantly be trading up for the
latest and greatest.
I mean.
(25:48):
Are you only working harder?
To eventually have what youalready have, like the
fishermen, right?
If he were to work harder.
Using the American's plan.
And isn't that just so Americanof the businessman to impart
(26:08):
his.
Unsolicited advice on thefishermen who was living the
best, most successful life.
Uh, on his own terms.
But.
It doesn't make sense for thefishermen to work any harder.
Spend more time and moneybuilding this fishing.
(26:29):
Enterprise.
Only two.
Be able to sell it in the futureand make enough money to live
the life that he was alreadyliving.
Success can be simple.
It doesn't have to be hard.
Success can be an internal job.
(26:51):
When I quit practicing law.
I realized that my definition ofsuccess was not whether I was
partner.
Or how I was compensated or ifmy name was going to be on the
letterhead with the titlepartner afterwards, or The big
salary that would accompany byit.
(27:11):
Took me awhile, but what I, whatI realized was the way I define
success is.
Doing what I want to do withpeople.
I want to do it with.
When and where I want to bedoing it.
It's simple.
And yeah, there's no big titleassociated with it.
(27:33):
There's no big paycheck thatcomes and runs with it.
But.
I'm okay with that.
I mean.
If I already have everything Iwant to feel whole and
successful.
Then why do I need to spend abunch of years?
(27:53):
Uh, amassing more.
Money and more.
Title.
So that I can simply retire.
And do the things I'm alreadydoing.
It's like the fishermen, right?
I know, it sounds simple.
(28:15):
But.
How do you define success?
Are you a success by your owndefinition?
If not.
What is it going to take you toget you there?
And if you are.
Do you need to keep chasing.
All of the other externalsocietal measures of success,
(28:38):
just so that you can feel betterabout yourself.
Those are questions that onlyyou can answer.
I can't answer them for you.
But in my opinion, there arequestions.
You absolutely have to figureout how to answer for yourself.
And remember when you are comingup with your answer, simpler is
better.
With that thank you so much forbeing here today make it a great
(29:00):
week and i will see you backhere next week when the School
of Midlife is back in session.
Thank you so much for listeningto the School of Midlife
podcast.
It means so much to have youhere each week.
If you enjoyed this episode,could you do me the biggest
favor and help us spread theword to other midlife women?
There are a couple of easy waysfor you to do that first.
(29:23):
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That helps you because you'llnever miss an episode.
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(29:45):
reviews.
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Thanks again for listening.
I'll see you right back here.
Next week when the School ofMidlife is back in session until
then take good care.
But the problem is.
(00:02):
We'll never get there because wejust keep moving the mark
because we don't actually knowwhat it is that we're working
towards.
And if you don't know how youdefine success.
Then here's a question I havefor you.
How will, you know, when youachieve it?
Welcome to the School of Midlifepodcast.
I'm your host, LaurieReynoldson.
(00:23):
This is the podcast for themidlife woman who starting to
ask herself big life questions.
Like, what do I want?
Is it too late for me?
And what's my legacy beyond myfamily and my work.
Each week we're answering thesequestions and more.
At the School of Midlife, we'relearning all of the life lessons
(00:44):
they didn't teach us in schooland we're figuring out finally
what it is we want to be when wegrow up.
Let's make midlife your bestlife.
Hey there.
Welcome back to the School ofMidlife podcast.
I am so excited that you arehere today.
(01:05):
we are talking about.
Success.
I've had a lot of conversationswith women lately.
And it just, it feels like.
Very successful women are stillgrappling with this idea of.
Why don't I feel like I'msuccessful.
I mean, I, I feel like I've doneall the things that were
(01:25):
expected of me.
But I just feel like something'smissing.
So in order to get to the bottomof.
Some of those feelings becausethey, they really seem.
I don't know if it's the time ofthe year.
But they seem very pervasivethat there are a lot of women
(01:48):
right now who are worried about.
Getting back on track or theyjust, you know, They feel like
they, they took some of the timeof the summer off.
And they want to get back intothe new routine.
So they talk about getting backon track.
Maybe it is that they're lookingat the, the rest of the year.
I mean, at the time his episodesdrops.
(02:09):
It is October.
And there are.
Three months left in the year.
So.
I'm not sure what's in thewater, but.
I feel like there are a lot ofwomen right now who are talking
about success and what it meansto them and, and feeling like
they're not measuring up.
Trying to figure out how theyneed to double down and get back
(02:31):
on track and, you know, You getback on the success train.
So that's what we're talkingabout today.
I'm going to start with one ofmy favorite quotes by Maya
Angelou.
And she says that success isliking yourself.
Liking what you do and likinghow you do it.
(02:54):
Notice there is nothing in thatquote that talks about.
Your job title or your salary?
And what's so interesting to meis that is how we are taught to
measure success.
Isn't it.
What is your job title?
What is your salary?
So this idea of success isintegrally tied to what we do
(03:21):
and how we're compensated.
And that's, that's also similarto, if you, if you will look up
success in a dictionary.
There are a number of differentdefinitions.
But they all kind of relate tothis idea of it's an
accomplishment of an aim oraccomplishment of a purpose.
(03:42):
Or some sort of satisfactorycompletion or outcome of a task.
So it's very externally.
Driven.
You know, things that, thatother people can see and we'll
circle back to this.
The difference between externalvalidation and internal
(04:03):
validation.
But suffice it to say.
We have been taught.
Pretty much our whole life tomeasure success by.
Our job title and our salary.
And.
I would submit that.
Those, those should only bereally a small piece of how we
(04:25):
define success.
I mean, what about.
shouldn't our mental health andour physical health and
relationships, growthopportunities, job satisfaction,
just kind of all of those.
Pieces of our life.
Shouldn't those also be includedin a definition of success.
(04:49):
I think that they should.
What's what's interesting to methough, is as mid-life women.
Most of us.
Have.
Grown up with this idea that inorder to be successful, We need
to check all of the, what I,what I like to call the success
boxes right there on achecklist.
(05:11):
They, they are things like go toschool, check, get a job, check,
buy a house, get married, havekids check, check, check.
So they are things that people.
Expect us to do that.
We have been conditioned towant.
And conditioned to definesuccess in that way.
(05:32):
But let me, let me ask you this.
I mean, I don't have kids.
Sure.
I went to school and I got a joband I got married and I bought a
house, but I don't have kids.
So does that make me.
Unsuccessful.
I don't think so.
Similarly, what about thestay-at-home mom?
(05:52):
Who gets married and, you know,goes to school, gets married.
And stays home.
I mean, never really gets a jobor if she does get a job.
Leaves the workforce to raiseher children.
I don't think anyone would saythat she's not successful.
So the question then becomes.
How do you define success?
(06:13):
And I think it's probablydifferent for everyone.
Um, But it's, it's very hard.
If you ask.
Of midlife woman.
Are you successful?
It's hard for them to answer.
Yes.
Because.
(06:35):
They have been programmed tobelieve that success is.
Invariably measured.
By the next thing.
That we're chasing.
Right.
Because.
We've been conditioned up tothis point.
We've been conditioned by ourparents.
(06:57):
And society who have told us.
What we should want and whatsuccess looks like.
So instead of trying to getquiet and listen to the inner
voice inside.
Of all of us.
We.
Succumb to some of the noise.
That we can only be successful.
(07:17):
If.
We are successful by theparameters that society gives
us.
And what's interesting aboutthat.
Is then success.
Is this yardstick by which weuse to compare ourselves to
everyone else around us.
Right.
it can become this dangerousunproductive loop that.
(07:41):
We can only be successful ifwe're successful by what society
values or how society.
Define success.
And again, that's a lot of timesearn the degree, get the job,
get married, have kids.
By the house.
Have the cars have the vacationhome.
(08:02):
It's this, this constant keepingup with the Joneses, this, this
constant comparison, you know,how are you doing compared to
your parents?
How are you doing compared toyour siblings or your neighbors?
Or your friends or even yourfrenemies.
It's so interesting to me that.
(08:23):
with social media.
We are finding ourselves whetherwe are consciously do it.
Or not, but we're comparingourselves to.
People from high school, evenpeople we didn't even talk to in
high school, but because socialmedia.
(08:44):
Puts all of it out there for usto see.
Now, not only are we comparingourselves by our, are we
successful by every societalmeasure?
But.
Are we as successful or moresuccessful or less successful?
Then the people that we went tohigh school with that we didn't
even talk to.
(09:05):
Right.
I mean.
Who cares about their opinionsof us, who cares if they think
that we're successful?
But by and large, we do it allthe time.
I mean, Why, why do we care thatthe cheerleader from high
school, the one that, you know,we had nothing in common with
and who wasn't particularly niceto us.
(09:26):
Why do we care that she has anew car?
Or that she has a new vacationhome or that she's got, you
know, she just got divorced andshe's got this huge rock on her
finger.
Think about it.
I mean, We tend as women, wetend to use comparison.
(09:47):
So that we feel.
Better about ourselves.
You know, maybe we don't lovethe way our body looks.
But it looks much better thanthis woman or a much better than
that woman, or maybe we'refeeling a little under
appreciated at home, but wow.
I mean, we're doing a muchbetter job parenting our child
(10:08):
than say this person or thatperson.
And there's probably some guiltmom, guilt.
Is is totally a thing.
I.
I obviously haven't experienced,but I know my friends who are
mothers and work outside of thehome.
They feel terrible and guiltythat, maybe they miss a game or.
(10:30):
Um, they're not home in time tohelp with the math homework.
And so somebody else has to helptheir child figure that out.
But whatever it is, there's,there's always this.
Guilt associated with, should Ibe home more?
Should, you know, should I stopworking?
But I, I like working and isn'tthat setting a good example for
(10:52):
my daughter.
And my children that, that theirmother is.
Employed outside of the homedoing something for her that
brings her a lot ofsatisfaction.
Well, here's the thing.
I mean, Until we know how wedefine success.
(11:13):
Then we will never be able tostop that constant comparison.
Right.
We'll always be trying to figureup.
How are we measuring up?
Are we doing better than ourparents did.
Our 401k's bigger than oursiblings.
You know that the neighborsmoved in, in the big brand new
(11:35):
house.
Are they financially better offthan we are.
Instead of.
Figuring out what's important tous and how we define success,
We're stuck on this constantcomparison.
How am I doing compared toeveryone else around me,
everyone else in my life.
Everyone else that I see onsocial media.
(11:59):
And here's another problem withnot knowing how we individually
define success.
We are super good at moving thegoalpost.
And what I mean by that.
Is.
When we finally achievesomething big, something that
(12:20):
we've been working towards.
So maybe we finally earned thepromotion at work.
Or we train and finish our firstmarathon or we finally make
partner or we celebrate theanniversary or some other big
milestone.
Most people would think thatthat would be a cornerstone or a
(12:45):
mark of success.
And, and it is, and you shouldthink you are successful when
you get that promotion or runthe marathon or celebrate the
milestone.
But here's the thing.
Because.
You are chasing success.
(13:05):
In the way that society has toldyou, you should want to receive
it.
Right?
So you are.
successful by the societalmeasure, not necessarily how you
define success.
The problem with that is onceyou achieve whatever the thing
is that you thought would makeyou successful.
(13:26):
You're going to get to thatsuccess.
Marker.
And you won't feel like youthought you would.
You.
Might have a fleeting moment offeeling successful.
But the problem is.
It won't stick.
Because.
Your.
Again, in this comparison.
(13:47):
Your doing things to look goodto other people, to earn their
approval, to get theirvalidation.
And so it's not going toactually fill you up internally
in the way that you hoped itwould.
So to combat that.
The assumption.
(14:09):
Is naturally, well, I just, Ineed to do more.
I won't be successful until I domore.
And so.
The cycle starts again, right.
We double down and add more tothe to-do list and busy up the
calendar.
And.
Internally, whether we realizeit or not, we are telling
(14:33):
ourselves, well, if this didn'tmake me successful, I need to
keep going until I do.
I need to set my sights higher.
I need to move that goalpostfarther away.
And just keep working until Iget there.
But the problem is.
We'll never get there because wejust keep moving the mark
(14:56):
because we don't actually knowwhat it is that we're working
towards.
And if you don't know how youdefine success.
Then here's a question I havefor you.
How will, you know, when youachieve it?
Because if we don't know.
What it is.
That.
Would make us feel successful.
(15:19):
If we don't know how weindividually define success.
Then we're just going to keepchasing success.
Most of this is tied to a lot ofexternal validation and approval
that.
We were raised to crave when wewere little We can go into
(15:43):
internal family system someother time or inner child trauma
and coping mechanisms, becausethis all relates back to that.
But.
The truth is if, If you weretrying to succeed in other areas
of your life, because you werechasing that external validation
or that approval that you sodesperately want.
(16:04):
You're never going to feelsuccessful.
Because.
Truth is that externalvalidation in that approval?
You.
You're not going to find it.
If that's the only thing thatyou're searching for.
And.
I might add that I.
(16:25):
Don't think.
It's the external validation andapproval.
you're looking for.
Yeah, that might feel good for ahot minute.
When somebody around, you sayshow I'm really impressed by what
you did there, orcongratulations.
That that was incredible.
You really did a great job onthat presentation.
(16:46):
You knocked it out of the park.
That feels good.
Right?
When somebody sees us doingsomething good and they
compliment a sonnet, they rewardus for it.
But.
Until you.
They get busy correcting.
Gosh, how do I want to say this?
(17:09):
Most of us are.
Working.
Seeking.
Trying to find.
The feeling that makes us feellike we finally have everything
we always thought we everwanted.
Right.
Because then we'll feelfulfilled, then we'll be
(17:30):
successful.
But.
Here's the hard truth.
That's an inside job.
It's completely tied to knowingwhat you want and not what
you've been conditioned towatch.
But what you actually want.
And why you want it.
(17:50):
And.
Knowing believing.
Understanding that you'realready enough.
Right now.
Just as you are.
Even if you never accomplishedor achieved anything else.
You have to believe on somelevel and not just surface
(18:11):
level, but actually deep downbelieve that.
Your enough.
And you're worthy right now.
Even if you don't.
Succeed at anything else in yourlife?
I know from conversations withhigh achieving mid-life women,
that they are so damn tired ofpeople.
(18:34):
posting things about, oh, I amenough or hashtag I am worthy.
things along those lines,because.
They feel like it placateswomen, you know, it's kinda
talking down to them.
I mean, these are highachieving, very successful
women.
So, of course they're enough.
Of course they're worthy.
(18:55):
But interestingly enough.
While they're saying that on onehand, they don't necessarily
believe it on the other.
So.
It's important.
No, in fact, it's imperative.
That.
If you really are chasingsuccess.
If you really want to feel thatway.
(19:19):
You need to start at home.
You've got to figure out what isgoing to make you feel worthy
and make you feel enough.
And no.
That right now.
You are, and no one can do thatfor you.
That is a internal belief.
That, that you absolutely needto embrace and take it as.
(19:42):
Fact.
Believe it as fact.
The you don't need anythingelse.
To make you more successful ormake you feel more successful.
I want to share with you thestory of a fishermen.
This one has gone around before.
So you may have heard it before,or at least some version of it.
(20:04):
But I think it beautifullyillustrates what I'm talking
about today.
So here's the story of thefishermen.
And American investment bankerwho was at the pier of a small
coastal Greek village when asmall boat with, with just one
fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat wereseveral large tuna the fishermen
(20:29):
had just caught.
The American, complimented theman on the quality of his fish
and asked how long it took himto catch them.
The fishermen replied.
Well only a little while.
And then the American asked,well then why didn't you stay
out longer and catch more fish?
The fishermen said he had enoughto support his family's
immediate needs.
(20:50):
The American men asks.
But what do you do with the restof your time?
The fishermen said, well, Isleep late.
I fish a little during the day.
I go home and I play with mychildren.
I take naps with my wife.
Then I stroll into the villageeach evening where I sip wine
and play guitar with my friends.
(21:10):
And he sat back for a moment.
He smiled and he said, I have avery full and busy life.
And the American scoffed.
I am a wealthy and successfulbusinessman.
I have a Harvard MBA and I couldhelp you.
You know what.
You should spend more timefishing.
(21:32):
And with those proceeds buy abigger boat.
And then with the proceeds, fromthe bigger boat, you could buy
several boats.
And eventually you would own anentire fleet of fishing boats.
So instead of selling your catchto a middleman, you could then
sell directly to the processor.
(21:53):
And eventually opened your owncannery.
Then you could control theproduct, the processing, the
distribution.
You, I mean, You would need toleave this small coastal fishing
village and move to Athens.
Of course.
Because you need to be there torun your expanding enterprise.
(22:14):
Fishermen thought for a minuteand asked.
But how long will all of thistake?
The American replied.
15 to 20 years.
And then what asked thefishermen?
The American laughed and said,that's the best part.
When the time is right.
(22:34):
You could then announce an IPOand sell your company stock to
the public and become very rich.
You would make millions.
Millions asked the fishermen.
Then what.
The American said, well, thenyou could retire.
You can move to a small coastal.
(22:54):
Fishing village, where you wouldsleep late, fish, a little play
with your kids.
Take naps with your wife strollto the village in the evenings
where you could sip wine andplay guitar with your friends.
Seeing the problem here.
I mean the fishermen had, healready had everything he ever
wanted.
He already was successful by hisdefinition of success.
(23:16):
Why then would he change?
The way he was living because hew because someone else.
Told him that he would be moresuccessful if he did something.
A different way.
And that in my opinion is thebiggest reason to figure out.
How you define success?
(23:38):
Because you're probably alreadymore successful than you think.
Hear me when I say this.
If your definition of success isa job you love.
A spouse or a partner you love.
Taking time off to take avacation each year, raising
healthy children.
(23:59):
And you already have thosethings.
Then your already successful.
You're already a success.
It doesn't matter what yourtitle is or what your salary is.
If you define success as a job,you love.
A partner.
You love.
(24:19):
Some time to take a vacationevery year.
Raising healthy children.
And you already have those.
You're already a success.
You don't have to live thisexorbitant life to be
successful.
In fact, in my opinion, thesimpler, your definition of
success, the more likely you areto be successful.
(24:43):
And, and don't get me wronghere.
I'm not saying that you shouldlower your standards.
You don't need to settle for alife that doesn't.
Doesn't make you feel the feel.
Doesn't make you feel the feel.
Oh my gosh.
That is hard.
That is a tongue twister.
Doesn't make you feel fulfilled.
(25:06):
Third.
Time's the charm there.
You don't have to beunfulfilled.
Let's say it that way.
You don't have to settle forthat.
You don't have to settle forsomething that.
Isn't ultimately what you want.
But if you take inventory ofyour life right now and realize
that you already have everythingthat you want and it makes you
(25:28):
happy.
Then the next question is, doyou really need to take on more
responsibilities at work?
Do you need to buy the newestcar?
Or move to the bigger house orconstantly be trading up for the
latest and greatest.
I mean.
(25:48):
Are you only working harder?
To eventually have what youalready have, like the
fishermen, right?
If he were to work harder.
Using the American's plan.
And isn't that just so Americanof the businessman to impart
(26:08):
his.
Unsolicited advice on thefishermen who was living the
best, most successful life.
Uh, on his own terms.
But.
It doesn't make sense for thefishermen to work any harder.
Spend more time and moneybuilding this fishing.
(26:29):
Enterprise.
Only two.
Be able to sell it in the futureand make enough money to live
the life that he was alreadyliving.
Success can be simple.
It doesn't have to be hard.
Success can be an internal job.
(26:51):
When I quit practicing law.
I realized that my definition ofsuccess was not whether I was
partner.
Or how I was compensated or ifmy name was going to be on the
letterhead with the titlepartner afterwards, or The big
salary that would accompany byit.
(27:11):
Took me awhile, but what I, whatI realized was the way I define
success is.
Doing what I want to do withpeople.
I want to do it with.
When and where I want to bedoing it.
It's simple.
And yeah, there's no big titleassociated with it.
(27:33):
There's no big paycheck thatcomes and runs with it.
But.
I'm okay with that.
I mean.
If I already have everything Iwant to feel whole and
successful.
Then why do I need to spend abunch of years?
(27:53):
Uh, amassing more.
Money and more.
Title.
So that I can simply retire.
And do the things I'm alreadydoing.
It's like the fishermen, right?
I know, it sounds simple.
(28:15):
But.
How do you define success?
Are you a success by your owndefinition?
If not.
What is it going to take you toget you there?
And if you are.
Do you need to keep chasing.
All of the other externalsocietal measures of success,
(28:38):
just so that you can feel betterabout yourself.
Those are questions that onlyyou can answer.
I can't answer them for you.
But in my opinion, there arequestions.
You absolutely have to figureout how to answer for yourself.
And remember when you are comingup with your answer, simpler is
better.
With that thank you so much forbeing here today make it a great
(29:00):
week and i will see you backhere next week when the School
of Midlife is back in session.
Thank you so much for listeningto the School of Midlife
podcast.
It means so much to have youhere each week.
If you enjoyed this episode,could you do me the biggest
favor and help us spread theword to other midlife women?
There are a couple of easy waysfor you to do that first.
(29:23):
And most importantly, if you'renot already following the show,
would you please subscribe?
That helps you because you'llnever miss an episode.
And it helps us because you'llnever miss an episode.
Second, if you'd be so kind toleave us a five-star rating,
that would be absolutelyincredible.
And finally, I personally readeach and every one of your
(29:45):
reviews.
So if you take a minute and saysome nice things about the
podcast, well, that's just goodkarma.
Thanks again for listening.
I'll see you right back here.
Next week when the School ofMidlife is back in session until
then take good care.
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