"Are the straights okay? - ARNOLD (1973) - ScreamQueenz: Where Horror Gets GAY!

Episode Transcript
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(01:31):
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Hello, my name's Patrick, andI'm a scream queen. I'm a scream
queen, and so are you. Helloagain, my beautiful screamers, and

(02:07):
welcome to another episode ofScream Queens. It's the podcast where
horror gets gay. This isepisode 1512, and tonight we are
traveling back to the fabulousyear of 1973 for a delightful yet
unaWP[;'/-=pologetically weirdhorror comedy that somehow time forgot.

(02:28):
We are talking about the olddark house horror comedy of Arnold,
starring Stella Stevens andRoddy McDowell and a cast of fabulously
kitschy character actors the1970s ever assembled in one place
that wasn't the Love Boat.It's a timeless tale of love and
marriage and money and murder.You know, all the good stuff. But
wait now. Hold your horses,everybody, because before we do any

(02:52):
of that, please, please,please allow the old queen to introduce
herself. My name is PatrickWalsh, and For the past 16 years,
it has been my honor to beyour guide through the weird and
wonderful world of horrormovies. Except I make you see them
through my very, very gaylittle eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hey,
everybody, welcome. Welcomeback to Scream Queens. I'm so glad

(03:15):
that you're able to be herewith me today of all days, it being
a very special day at all. Butyou know what? You know it's the
last episode of Scream Queens.I know it's the last episode of Scream
Queensland, but I have startedand restarted recording this segment
so many times now that I thinkwhat I'm gonna have to do is call

(03:36):
upon my Irish Catholicupbringing and repress everything
for as long as humanlypossible just so I can get through.
So we're gonna pretend likeit's any normal show and there's
absolutely nothing differentabout it at all. We all know it's
a special party, right? So letme tell you a little secret. For
this party, I got somethingextra special. Because what going

(03:58):
away party would be completewithout your very own poseable corpse?
What do you mean, whatposeable corpse? I'm talking about
Arnold. What do you mean?Who's Arnold? Arnold, the title character
from today's movie. What,you've never heard of Arnold? Well,
that's actuallyunderstandable, because as fabulous

(04:19):
as today's movie is, it's beenforgotten. It has slipped through
the cracks and the floorboardof time up until a few months ago
when Vinegar's fidden decided,you know what this batshit crazy
little movie needs? A gorgeousBlu Ray Release. And now here we
are. Because remember lasttime I told you that I wanted to
dedicate these final episodesto doing the kind of episodes I loved

(04:39):
best to do. And my absolutelyfavorite thing to do for the past
16 years started with thecrapshoot episodes. When I would
be out there hunting throughthose, through that massive shit
pile of direct to video horrormovie releases in search of that
diamond, that little piece ofgold. I could say, look, I found
something great that nobody'sheard of and it's just for us. Now

(05:02):
normally that meantdiscovering a new movie, but however,
I think it's totallyapplicable here. So I am ending my
run as the queen of screamqueens with one last crapshoot recommendation
from the bottom of my cold,dead little heart. That is Arnold
from 1973. But Patrick, Ihaven't seen it. Yes, yes, I know
you haven't seen it. I knowyou haven't seen it. Most people
haven't. You need to checkyour show notes. In the show notes

(05:25):
there is a link to a gorgeousprint on YouTube. It is free. Go
over there and watch it. Watchit before you listen to the rest
of the episode because Iguarantee you are going to love Arnold.
Because if you. Because ifyou're the kind of person who likes
a classic, spooky old darkhouse style gothic horror comedy,

(05:46):
but you also love tacky 1970skitsch, well then you, my friend,
are gonna have the biggest,weirdest movie boner for Arnold.
And I don't want you sittingthrough this episode without that
boner. So you go watch thatmovie right now and you come back
with that boner and then wecan proceed. Okay, this got weird.
But you know what? I'msticking to it. Did you really think
I was gonna have a going awayparty for myself without a boner

(06:08):
check? Well, you thoughtwrong. But you better hurry because
now the end is near. It's timeto face my final curtain. And it's
a funny thing, right here,right now, at this very moment in
time, I can see what is behindmy final curtain. Do you know what
waits behind the final curtainfor me? Stella Stevens in a push

(06:30):
up bra. That doesn't sound sobad. Let's do this. Bring on Trey.
Bring on. And let's talk aboutArnold from 1973.
Arnold, piece of scream. Hereally took care of his family.
Arnold gave his bride ahoneymoon she'd never forget. May
heaven have mercy on my soul.

(06:50):
All it takes, I suppose, is abit of dusting off now and then.
Arnold gave his widow somevanishing cream.
That goo was a Real wrinkleremover indeed.
Arnold gave his brother abrand new suit.
Says buttons is all that wasleft of him.
Porter Arnold gave his sistera room of her own.

(07:11):
When you're a skilledcriminologist like myself, it's as
plain as a nose on your prettylittle face.
Arnold gave his unfaithfulwife and her handsome lover togetherness.
See Stella Stevens, RoddyMcDowell and Arnold.
In Arnold, you'll die laughing.
So here we are, it's the finalepisode of Scream Queens. And, you

(07:34):
know, it was a really harddecision, like, how am I going to
go out? How am I going to endof this show? And as many of you
know, for a while I was like,it's gotta be the biggest razzle
dazzle, hotsy, totsy, flashy,splashy finale ever. And then I'm
like, you know what? I don'thave the energy for that anymore.
I don't know if my brain isgonna be able to keep up with that.
So I said, sid, I think I justwanna spend these last few episodes

(07:54):
hanging out with some of myfavorite people. And whatever we
talk about is totally cool.It's the final episode and so I have
faved two of my favoriteguests and I found the perfect movie
for both of them. So I'm veryexcited. One of the reasons they're
my favorite guest, but they'retwo people that I adore in real life
anyway, but also they've beenhugely influential on the show since
the beginning and beensupportive and as listeners and his

(08:18):
fans. And one of them is likemy cheerleader in real life every
goddamn day anyway, so itwould be, it would be, it would be
such a non mitzvah to have himon the show. I'm babbling, so I think
it's time to bring him on. Youknow him, you love him. One is that
sexy man, formerly from Texas,who's also my co host on Damn You,
Uncle Lewis! And the other iseverybody's favorite fraidy Cat.

(08:39):
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andGirls and my GNCs, wherever you may
be, please welcome back to theScream Queenz Studio Trae Dean and
Doug Shapiro.

(08:59):
I love you.
Hail, hail, the gang's all here.
I love you.
I'm so excited. The reason Iwanted these two back for the episode
start with the fact that Ilove them. This is the first time
I matched guests and all of asudden, when I put these two together,
the episode wind up beinggreater than the sum of his parts.
Trey's got great parts, he'sgot fabulous parts.
I made a good Yenta match. Itwas a good yenta match. You guys

(09:22):
clicked, and it was magic. Andevery time I put you guys together,
it's fabulous. And so this isa great way to go up.
Aw, Be fun. You get to go outalong with Stella Stevens and Roddy
McDowell.
Yeah. With the goofiest,gayest gay as possible. But we. Trading,
trading, trading, trading. Youknow, what's going on with you? Who's

(09:42):
mining the store? Who's miningthe very curious curio shop over
at Dammy Wonka Lewis? Becauseif I'm here and you're here, then
who's mining the store?
I left a message with Maya. Imade sure she has the access code.
She should be able to get inthe store. Vita will let her in.
Vita's a night shift.
Well, those two have been incahoots for a while now, ever since
the wedding. But that's notthe point right now. Yeah. So, yeah,
Trey is my co host over atDamian Wonka Lewis, the Friday the

(10:03):
13th, the series podcast,which will be continuing on. Which
has been moving to themainstream and going public later
on in the year. But that's.We're not talking about that now.
Trey, what's going on withyou? Tell me something exciting.
Tell the listeners somethingcool. What's going on in the life
of Trey Dane right now?
Well, it's a joke between allof us before is an old Elvira joke,
because you and I loveourselves. Elvira. So I work at a

(10:25):
hospital, and I was walkingthrough the ER and I just heard a
doctor walk up to a patientright as I passed him by, and he
looks down at her and goes,oh, how's your head? Pauses. I walk
past him, and I'm very proudthat I did not yell out. I haven't
had any complaints yet.
Trey, we have enough problemswith you and hr. We don't need it
at the new hospital as well.You could have answered severed.

(10:47):
That would have been a properanswer for the emergency room.
True. But just. That was just.The timing was perfect. He asked
that and nothing else, just asI passed by.
Oh, that was all he needed toknow about you, Trey. That was all
he needed to know.
Oh, he was sending me a signal.
Apparently, he has not beenreading the writing on the bathroom
wall, because everybody elseknows in the hospital.

(11:08):
I've only been there fivemonths. I have to.
Well, you know what? Oh, wow.Only me.
I was gonna get a job in thistown somehow.
Whose voice is that? Oh, myGod. Hi, Doug Shapiro. How are you?
I love you.
It's been A thousand yearssince you've.
Been here and I love you athousand more.
I know. But you're worth,you're worth the wait. You're worth
the wait. What, what, what hasbeen going on in the life of Doug

(11:29):
Shapiro? Tell, tell the peoplewhat has been happening. Exciting.
Fill them in on the live.
Please don't make me talkabout Peru. God, I just don't want
to talk about Peru.
Oh, my God. That's right. God.You just got back from Peru. How
was your trip to Peru?
Oh, yes, that's right. I didjust get back from Peru. I did a
2 week Spanish in spentintense. I lost my English, but I

(11:50):
got my espanol. It was great.It was. Yeah, of course the food's
wonderful, but like for twoweeks I was just doing one thing,
just studying Spanish. And theteachers were so cool because they'd
find out what I was a geekabout and they'd like flex the lessons
towards that. I'll give you asmall example. So I had like a one

(12:10):
on one teacher. She wasamazing. Towards the end of the day,
there was grammar, thenconversation, then one on one. So
she found like, I started offon like this sort of tangent. Shoebox,
soapbox. The soapbox that Iget on of. If you want to be a good
actor, you really need to knowwhat people in other fields are doing.
So you got to make sure thatyou want to know what's going to

(12:31):
the costume shop. So if theyspent like an hour on a certain costume
piece that you're showing itoff when you're on stage, et cetera.
So she clocks out. The nextday I come in, she's got a whole
PowerPoint made up and eachslide has the job of someone in theater
in Spanish. And she goes, allright, talk about it. And like, you
know, the scene designer says,jesseiro Escenario. And I fought

(12:55):
my way to the end of thesentence because I was such a geek
about it. It was really,really neat. So I approve of Peru.
It can stay.
I also approve of approval,but I prefer more of dessert. You
know, after you serve yourfranch bread, Franche fries, France
fries for dessert. Peru.
But I couldn't find Coco Peruanywhere I looked.

(13:17):
Oh, well, you know what, shegot kicked off that show. So, you
know, never mind. Anyway,we're not talking about Coco Peru.
We're not talking about PaddyTiber. We're not talking about any
of these things. We're here toactually talk about a movie. We're
talking about a mo that waslost in time, that had Been forgotten
about until Vinegar syndrome.Like burst it back out on the scene.
We're talking about the movieArnold from 1973. Doug Shapiro, it
has been a thousand yearssince you've been here. Hence it

(13:39):
is your job. Nay, it is yourduty. It's your secret duty to give
me a nice tight 30 second plotsummary of the movie. Arnold, don't
panic. Fuck says no. Ah, mother.
Okay, so here we are. Sothere's a funeral, and then you find
out it's also a wedding. Sothe body of Arnold ends up married
to his mistress. There are abunch of suspects that aren't happy

(14:02):
about it. And it goes througha whole thing of wanting to be murdered
by death, but doesn't quiteget there. People die. There's a
song.
There is. There's a song.There's a song. No, he can't. He's
called me like five timestoday, singing the song. It's a true
story. Yes, that's good. Iwill accept all that trading. Is
there anything that you'd liketo add to that?
Yeah, actually, I have a longhistory with this movie. This was

(14:24):
a movie where I remembered apiece of it as a kid. Never knew
what it was for. So for yearsand years I remembered some movie
with people like a who done itthing. And it had a woman being driven
onto a cemetery and she wasriding on the top of the car singing
a song. And it was like theguy's name, which was the name of

(14:45):
the movie. And that's all Icould remember forever until something
happened. And then I saw theVinegar syndrome trailer with that
and I was like, that is. It'sArnold. So I finally, after like
decades of wondering what thefuck this movie was, now I know.
And like I said, my memory wasnot exactly accurate, but still say,
thank you, Patrick.
Well, he already owned it.

(15:06):
He already owned it.
He owned it before I saw it.We had a conversation. So he found
it before I did. My summary isStella Stevens plays Karen. She's
a nice girl who, well, shecomes down with a sudden case of
gold digging. So she marries adead guy in a crazy get rich quick

(15:28):
scheme to swindle hisrelatives out of their will. But
it turns out this movie is oneof my favorite conceits. It's a house
full of rich, eccentric cuntswho cannot stand each other and spend
the whole movie conniving eachother and trying to kill each other.
And they all do. And it allhappened. And I'm happy. It's a great.
It's a wow. It's a Wild film.It's wild.

(15:48):
It is.
I found myself many times likea comedy. And you guys are going
to know the names of thesecharacters better than I, but, like
a combination of, like, thewoman from Poltergeist who screams,
what's happening? And sassygay friend who's like, what? What?
What are you doing? Andthere's one where I was, like, standing
up, like, walking, because Imade my husband watch it with me

(16:09):
the first time. Like,standing, walking around in a circle.
Like, I don't know what'sgoing on. What? What?
What? There's a lot going onin this movie, and it's not just
the plot, because the cast isbananas. This cast is bananas. The
cast is also gay. Heaven.
Oh, yeah.
Everything going on here isgreat. Why are we the cast? Who's
the cast? Tell me some greatthings. The cast. Tell me great people

(16:29):
in the cast.
I forgot. I kept forgetting.Farley Granger is in it. Farley Granger.
Oh, you have Jamie Farr from mash.
Oh, poor Jamie Farr. Howunfortunate you can't do that on
television anymore.
Oh, but you have. You haveRoddy McDowell, Elsa Lancaster, the
writer. Frankenstein, Dingdong Patrick from the future.

(16:50):
Here, of course, the actress'sname is Elsa Lanchester, not Elsa
Lancaster. No, of course I'mcorrecting Trey's mistake in post.
However, I knew it was wrongwhen he said it on the show. Yet
for whatever reason, I chosenot to correct him. And years later,
when I look back at thismoment, I'll say that was the moment

(17:13):
that it all began to go wrong.If only I just said Trey. That's
not correct. This is how yousay her name. Then maybe I could
have fixed things, because bynot correcting the mistake then I
allowed Trey to plant a seedin my head, a seed that would grow

(17:36):
into an editing nightmare. Butdon't worry, it's not going to affect
you. This tale of terror isplaying out behind the scenes. And
a little ditty that I like tocall the Unnaming of Elsa. What's
her name? Bing Bong. Back tothe show.
Stella Stevens.
Ronnie goddamn McDowell.
Roddy McDowell.
Roddy McDowell. What reallymatters? And Victor Buon was there

(17:57):
with Elsa Lancaster.
Bing Bong. See, now Doug'sdoing it, too. How quickly the infection
spreads. Bing Bong. So thecast is bananas, the plot is bananas,
the design is bananas, and thewhole thing, it's. It's a classic
gothic, old, dark house horrorcomedy. It's that classic feel, but
everything's off. I feel likethis was influenced by Dr. Phibes

(18:18):
yes, because it's got that.It's got that craziness just for
Doug, because I know he wentblank. It's one of. Educate Me, Vincent
Price's most famous roleswhere he plays this guy who comes
back from the dead, so tospeak, to avenge the death of his
wife. And he gets revenge onthe surgeons who let her die on the
operating table. There's 10 ofthem. He kills them off according

(18:39):
to the 10 plagues of Egypt,frogs, and. Yeah, crazy things like
that too. It had that kind ofa feel to it. But on the other hand,
I also saw the like. I alsosee that saw pulled a lot from this
too.
Definitely saw. Arnold keptthe cassette. Local cassette tape
manufacturer in business.
Yeah. At some point we got totalk about the sound system.
Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. He hasa coffin that's also a boombox, which

(19:02):
I think is fabulous. It'sgreat for the beach.
Yeah.
But it is very saw.
I never saw sore.
It's just. It's just thatit's. Because it's. It's the tapes
and also that he has somebodyhelping him from the. Like, from
beyond the. He's. He has alive person helping him.
Yeah. Well, that's it. Becauseall the deaths are sort of seem to
be engineered by Arnold. Andthe disjointedness of it was that

(19:26):
you could almost likeinterchange so many scenes together
as just people dying with verylittle narrative thread a through
line. So it felt like youcould just kind of randomly shuffle
this around and it wouldn'tmake a damn difference.
No, no, not really. But whatelse are we gonna say? The other
thing that I think isfabulous. The whole thing is produced
by Bing Crosby.
Yes, I noticed that.
This makes no sense.

(19:47):
Well, it doesn't. It doesn't.It doesn't. It doesn't. It's not
directly produced by BingCrosby. It was produced by Bing Crosby.
They took. Here's the thingthat's fun. They said, I was watching
on the Blu Ray. They have thelittle commentary. They said, well,
they changed the name of thecompany from Bing Crosby Productions
to bcp because whenever peoplesaw Bing Crosby Productions, they

(20:07):
thought it was gonna be amusical. I said, you know what else
really helps people think thatyour movie's not gonna be a musical?
Not opening it with a musical number.
How do I love thee? Just youwait and see.
Arnold.
Arnold.
And let me count the waysthrough the nights and days Arnold,

(20:30):
you and me, darling Arnold.Warm, sweet Arnold.
Especially musical where thepeople aren't singing.
Because why not? Because. Why not?
So Many questions.
So many questions. And alsothe fact that I thought it was Stella
Stevens singing, since she'sthe focus of the scene. It's not.

(20:53):
It's Jocelyn.
Shani Willis.
Yeah. Who played Nancy in Oliver.
That's how I know her, becauseI love Oliver as a little kid, I
was like, that's Nancy. I knowher. The movie.
And you're gonna find that thetheme song of this movie goes really,
really well into as Long As HeNeeds Me.
Trey doesn't know hismusicals, but he loves his orphan
kid musicals. He loves Annie,and he loves Oliver.

(21:17):
Y. Yeah. So those are themovies I know. So if you. If you
talk about all of the movie, Iwas like, shannon, I learned something
today.
I can't wait to tell my newthings to pull from on the other
show. We drive Drake crazy.One of the things I love about this
movie right off the bat is,like, the opening shots when we're
in this graveyard church yardset, we are clearly not in reality.

(21:40):
We are clearly on a sound set.Like, they've gone out of their way
to make it a cartoon. So wealready know the vibe of the movie.
And what I love about the wayhow cartoonish everything looks,
it feels not just like it wasmade for TV. It feels like it was
made for 1970s Saturdaymorning TV. Like, if witchy Poo or
the Sleestacks had shown up, Iwould have been like, aha. That totally

(22:03):
works.
Yeah. And also thecinematography kept changing, but,
like, the first major questionI have is, is this where climate
change started? Because theweather system. There's fog on the
ground. There's no rain. Butthe cop comes in and he's totally
drenched in wet. But the suncomes out when she. Like when the
bride shows up and the musicalnumber begins. And then there's thunder

(22:26):
outside and lightning outsidethe window.
There's thunder constantly.There's perfectly timed conversational
thunder throughout the film.Never any rain. I love all. No, it's
all classic. It's all classicold dark house stuff.
But even that in the middle,someone goes, do you think they built
a cemetery here becausethere's always fog around, or is
it always fog around because.
There'S a cemetery here?

(22:47):
With my horrible accent.
That was pretty horrible.
But there's wasn't better.
No.
Well, you know, they made thechoice, but they've decided to clearly
not set this in reality, butmake everything really cartoonish.
But we're specifically inYorkshire because those Yorkshire
accents are a choice. Choice.

(23:09):
Yeah. Some of the scenes had,like, a little hammer, not quite
Hammer feel to them, but itdefinitely had a very staged look.
Well, here's the thing that Ialso found out. The thing is these
guys, this was directed andproduced by the Hackity brothers,
George and Arthur Hackity,who, by the way, are lifelong friends
with Jamie Farr. They grew upnext door to each other, so they

(23:31):
pop up.
That's what Jamie Farr agreedto do.
They pop up in each otherprojects all the time. Yeah. So that's
how that happened. Yeah. Sothey're mostly TV people. They're
mostly TV people. And the twoscreenwriters were mostly TV people.
One, one. Oh, hold on, let meget his name. Prop Jameson Brewer
wrote a whole bunch of theScooby Doo movies. Not the Scooby

(23:53):
Doo episodes, but the movieslike the ones with Don Knotts. And
also wrote the incredible Mr. Limpet.
Oh, wow.
Okay, this makes a lot moresense connection right there. And
the other one, John FentonMurray, did tons and tons and tons
of exactly the kind of 70s TVshow that I felt like this felt like
Lost Saucer, Sigmund, the SeaMonsters, Brady Bunch, all of them.

(24:16):
He wrote specifically forSaturday morning tv.
Well, George Tuning of music,he did Billbok and Candle. He adapted
Pal Joey, the Rogers in Heartand he did a bunch for like Star
Trek and things like that.
Okay, walk me through theopening of this film. What is happening
at the opening? I don't know.

(24:37):
We start off though, with. Ithink it's. It's the. The constable
comes in with a grave diggertalking about Bernard Fox.
Bernard Fox, Bernard Fox, who?Private Eyes connection.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's the butler in Private Eyes.
And talking about the death ofArnold and how sad it is and how
tragic it is.
It's a sad day, Jonesydwelling manor will never be the

(25:00):
same now his lordship is deadand buried. No, no, no, no.
And then they hear music inthe church thinking, well, something's
going on right now. The wrongpeople have the church room because
it's a funeral. Cute.
They mixed up the Marion andthe Burying, right?
It's been horrible mistake.They've mixed up the Marian with

(25:24):
the.
Berryen and then all of asudden Stella Stevens runs in.
It's a Las Vegas musicalnumber. And could we. We need. We
need to talk about thebridesmaids dresses.
Oh. Oh, dear. So she's gottwo. Two bridesmaids who never appear
again, both in Elvira wigs andtwo flower girls who never appear

(25:46):
again, who are basically Lindain the Agatha Christie multiverse.
The most unhappy lookingflower girls.
Oh, they were not. Yeah. Theywere scowling.
No, but man, that. The colorchoices on both of them, that green,
that not quite green, notquite brown, not quite yellow of
the bridesmaids dresses wasjust right. Was such a 70s choice.

(26:10):
Like that color does not existanywhere except 1973. And the fact
that they paired it. Theflower girls are in this pale, pale,
washed out pink. And I saidthat color combination was so 1970s.
I remember we had sheets withthat pattern, paisley sheets with
that pattern on it. Thosecolors, they reminded me of ham.
Like, like olive loaf. Which,which Beautiful, beautiful for wedding.

(26:33):
I think that was the name ofthe older flower girl.
I. I wanted a whole cold cutscene for my wedding.
I think she had the spam labelon the back of her dress.
Yeah. So, yeah. The initialconceit of the film is that Stella
Stevens is marrying thiscorpse. It's the biggest hurdle to

(26:53):
get over. What is going on?Why is this happening? Can anybody
explain? Why is she marryingthis corpse? Why is everybody okay
with it?
Okay, this is consensual fromArnold that he agreed because he's
married to another woman. Shewas his mistress. So he dies then
saying that he's going tomarry her.
And that.
And then explain that thelawyers have a precedent of women

(27:14):
going to battlefields andmarrying men on the fields who may
already be dead.
You won't get away with it.You know, it's quite illegal to marry
a corpse. Well, Mr. Whiteheadfeels that he can prove our marriage
valid. He intends to establisha precedent using the analogy of
women who marry soldiers atthe front by proxy. Men who might

(27:38):
already have died in battlebefore the wedding ceremony was performed.
And then that's like a oneline throwaway. Everyone else just
kind of runs with this.
And that was one of themoments where, like the actors just
acting the pants off ofsomething that is pure exposition.
And I think the piece thatalso needs to be noted is like. Because
he's dead, that means thefirst, like till death you part.

(28:00):
That means the marriage to thefirst wife doesn't count anymore.
I never saw no last rites likethat before. I never. It wasn't a
funeral, it was a wedding.That's it. That's it exactly. That's
exactly how it looked to me. Isaid to myself, henry Hook, I said,
his lordship may be lyingthere as cold as a cod, I said, but
he's taken himself a bride. Heis. Then quick as a flash, I answers

(28:21):
myself, how can that be? HenryOak. His lordship's already got himself
a wife. Lady Jocelyn. No, no,no. She's a Widow. Now, Cousin Arnold
is dead, you know. Oh, well,that explains everything. You see,
with his lordship dead, LadyJocelyn's a widow, and that leaves
him free to.

(28:44):
She's a widow now, which meanshe's free to marry somebody else.
Oh, sure. Wait, what? But he'sdead, and it seems like.
The whole mistress thing iskind of news to her. Or it's sort
of an introduction.
No, it went. No, it went onfor a year. We know this went on
for a year because the wifewas offered a million dollars.
Oh, you're right.
You're right to let thedivorce go through. And she said,

(29:05):
no, I'm gonna make you suffertill you die because I know you got
a disease. You'll never bemarried. You'll never be together.
Now look at this. Now we'retogether forever in the afterlife.
It's a whole weird conceitjust to get this whole ball rolling
and really. But the importantthing. Who's the corpse? Tell me
about Arnold. What do we knowabout Arnold?
He's got a great theme song.
He's got a great theme song.There's only 32 parts of it, but

(29:29):
it's a great song.
But he runs like, oh, how do Ilove thee? Just you wait and see,
Arnold.
Even better after death.
I've been waiting to get Dougto sing.
Oh, it's so good.
Oh, sure. Doug's allowed tosing. I see how it is. He yells at
us when we sing on our show.

(29:50):
Well, I've heard enough fromyou. But he's a guest.
Actually, I don't remember.Like, he's. He's the owner of, like,
a major, major business ofwhich the, you know, the first wife
gets one share.
Chemical company and cosmetic company.
Oh.
Well, that explains the first.The first things.

(30:13):
Yeah.
But the other.
Great.
If I could backtrack to that.When both of them are being. The
worthy thing. Ross. The worthything of exposition. They are, you
know, talking about. Becauseof this obscure law. It works. That's
also when not Nancy. Jocelyngets in two of her best one liners

(30:33):
because she may be the firstdeath, but she's got some great zingers.
Yeah. I want to come back to.I want to go get specific in a bit,
but I just want to, like, setup this thing I talk about. Arnold
is for what we're learning. Heseems to be this wonderful, controlling
genius. He knows everybodyreally well. He's done. He knows
everybody, his family. Heknows everybody's weaknesses. He
knows everybody's flaws. Heknows everybody's patterns and everybody's

(30:54):
habits. He's going to use itagainst them in the afterlife.
Ours too.
On all of them. Yeah. Yeah.Because he made us watch this whole
movie. No, it's a wonderful.It's a wonderful thing. One of the
things that I love aboutArnold, the guy playing Arnold. What
a trooper. What a trooper.
Yeah.
He's stuck in this coffin thewhole movie.
He got to move during the dream.
Sequence to the dream ballet.That's the other thing. If you. If

(31:15):
you don't want people to thinkyou're doing a musical, maybe don't
put a dream ballet in it. I'mnot complaining. I was very happy
about all that.
Oh, my God, you're right.
No, the corpse has a smirk onits face. This shit eating smirk
on the whole movie. What'salso unique about his corpse?
He's dressed in like a dig.Like almost like a dignitary's uniform.

(31:37):
Well, he's a lord. He's a lord.
Oh. Oh. It's in a coffin, Agiant coffin that has a tape cassette
apparatus on the side.
And his joints have beenarranged so that his joints can move
and he could be. This is RoddyMcDowell's worthy faint of exposition
mom moment where he's actingthe pants off of it while explaining
for everyone. It's like, justso you know, his joints move. It

(31:59):
can be put in differentpositions just in case he shows up
somewhere else.
He's posable. He made himself posable.
Well, you must admit that is afancy piece of marinating. Can you
imagine devising a method tohave the joints of your corpse articulated
so you could be moved into inposition you like? Just like a bloody

(32:20):
puppet. I know. Let's dresshim up in his shorts and stand him
out on the croquet court.
Ravi, that's sacrilegious.
Look who's getting squeamish.You married him.
I wish we explored that more.I wanted more posable corpse fun.
But we didn't get a lot ofthat. We just got a little bit of
that.
You're right. It never didlead to anything.

(32:41):
Even though he's not in themovie much, Victor Buono is great
as the minister. And thewedding. He's so over all this and
has no idea how to handle anything.
Dearly beloved, we aregathered together to pay our last
resp.
No.
I. To join in holy wedlock,this man. To join in holy wedlock,

(33:18):
this man and this woman. Holywedlock. For inasmuch as this man
and this woman have consentedto live as one, sharing joys, sharing
sorrows, sharing burdens. Ifthere be anyone present who can show

(33:41):
just cause why these twoshould not be joined in holy matrimony,
let him speak now forever.Holy speech.
He's our window into it.
Yes.
He's sweating.
If anyone objects to this,Anyone, Anyone.

(34:05):
Let them speak now.
It's basically all of us right now.
For better or for worse, till death.
Karen and Arnold, do youfreely enter into wedded bliss and
forsaking all others, promiseto love, honor and cherish, for better,

(34:29):
for worse, for richer, forpoorer, in sickness and in health,
until destined?
No.
Well, it also says, the thingis such a ridiculous premise to swallow,
they're immediately making ajoke out of it. So it kind of makes

(34:50):
it easy to kind of yada yadathrough it a little bit.
Well, that's the other thingthat I think is fun about this movie
is that the premise isridiculous. Everything about this
movie is ridiculous.Everybody's playing it straight.
Nobody's playing comedy, whichmakes it really fun. And as a comedy,
it's not laugh out loud funny,but yet at the.
Same time, it's hilarious.

(35:10):
A lot of times you just don't.I don't know how to react to any
of this. That's a great.That's a great place to be, especially
for jaded cunts like myself. Isaid it. I said it. All right, so
the plot has been set. Oh,whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. After, after, after thewedding comes the will reading, and
we get to meet. We get to meetthe other shitty members of the family.

(35:30):
My dear family and faithfulfriends, thank you for attending
the ceremony today and sharingwith me my happiest hour. I know
you're most anxious to learnhow you fare in my will, and I assure
you, I've gone to some painsto see that each of you receives
exactly what he deserves.

(35:53):
You wanted to talk aboutJocelyn? Let's talk about Jocelyn.
Jocelyn, I loved. Jocelyn isthe widow. I loved everything out
of her mouth. And she couldhave been recast as Sylvia Miles.
Oh, yes. Oh, well, no onereally out Sylvia Miles. Sylvia Miles.
But she was a close. She hadsome great singers.
Was it. Was Sylvia Miles notavailable Like, I love this woman.
I love. I love what ShawneeWallace did with this, and I love

(36:16):
that it's the girl fromOliver, but I think it would have
been even better with SylviaMiles. But no one would have believed
Sylvia Miles is the firstvictim. Sylvia Miles would have been
like, I'm not dead yet. I'mfine. Sticking pieces of her face
back on.
To my bereaved and grievingWidow Jocelyn. I leave that which

(36:37):
she has always treasured morethan me, her title, Lady Dwellin,
and the Rolls Royce to helpher maintain the facade of nobility
she cherishes. Please remain seated.
My dear.
Since you refused the £1million I offered for a divorce,

(36:57):
money quite obviously meansnothing to you. So as a loving remembrance,
a little gesture of affection,I give you one share in the Lady
D cosmetic company.
One share? What about the restof the estate?
As for the rest of the estate,which everyone knows is monumental,

(37:18):
I leave it all to my lovely,adorable bride, Karen. Sole ownership
of Dwelling Chemicals and allsubsidiary companies, stocks, bonds,
and an enormous hoard of cashwhich is safely deposited in a vault,
the location of which I shallreveal in the near future.

(37:41):
We don't get to spend a lot oftime with Jocelyn, but what we do
get is fantastic. Doug, youwere starting to say something before
I cut you off. Please tell mewhat you love so much about Jocelyn.
Because when she's in thatworthy faint of exposition scene,
when they're, you know, she'swith. The two wives are coming at
each other and you know, atthis point the Stella Stevens is

(38:03):
still like wide eyed Bambi,all innocent about everything and.
No, we just love each otherand you know, but. But Jocelyn refers
to her as an oversex airlinehostess. And then like. And then
when Cell Siemens like, oh, wenever discussed money. And then in
something worthy of an aircigarette, she just said. What did

(38:24):
he do? Just leave it on themantle each night?
Jocelyn, I hope you and yourbridegroom, my dead husband, will
be very happy together in thismedieval mausoleum. I can understand
your bitterness. If only you'dgiven Arnold more love and affection.

(38:45):
You gave him enough affectionfor both of us. All he wanted was
a. I know what he wanted. Whatis your going rate, Lady Dwellin?
You are mistaken. Arnold and Inever, never discussed money. What
did he do, just leave it onthe mantle each night?

(39:06):
Can't you hear Sylvie saythat? What did he do to leave it
on the mantel each night? Odell.
Oh my God, Odell. I'm soenvious because I only think of things
like that three days afterthey occur. And then I want to call
up and be like, and another thing.
Yeah. Oh, and what an exitline. What an exit line. When she's
at the bottom of this andshe's finally walking out, she's
like, I am the rightful heirand I am the widow and the wife and

(39:33):
everything will be mine. Happyhoneymoon, you bitch.
I love that line.
Happy honeymoon, you.
The courts will award me theentire estate. I am the rightful
heir. Arnold's one and onlywife and widow. Happy honeymoon,

(39:54):
you bitch.
But. Oh, but all with thatdignified British class. Now I'm
not raising my voice. Thething is so nice and controlled and
absolutely cunty. And I lovedevery second of it. She was thinking
she was gone. Everybody wasgone too soon. Everybody was gone
too soon.
She was giving a lot of AlexisCarrington from Dynasty. This kind
of little Joan Collins kind ofjust heads up high.

(40:17):
I just feel like she's sittingthere going, you all think that she's
saying the theme song. Thatwas me. That was me. That was me.
That was me. At the same. Itwas me. And song that's in your head
right now. That was me. Nother. Me. Bitch.
But you're right, because alsothe time Stella Stevens is still
acting like, oh, as far as weknow, they were in love and they
kind of planned. She reallycared for him. I was like, okay,
so what's.

(40:37):
She's playing the part. Butthe thing that. The thing is that
not surprisingly, everybodygets fucked in the will. When the
will. I was gonna say not whenthe will is read, when the will is
dictated. Because it's all ontape. By the way, the fact that this
is 1973 and he's usingcassette tapes and not reel to reel
is really kind of forward thinking.
That's true.

(40:58):
Arnold was ahead of his time.
Can we talk about the soundsystem yet or do we gotta wade?
I really. I really wish it wasan A track. The only thing I just
wanted to say about thewaiting of the will is that the thing
that Stella Stevens Karen wasnot expecting is that the codicil
that he's added to the wheelis like, you have to keep me with
you forever.
Dear, sweet Karen. Even thoughfrustrated by the knowledge that

(41:21):
my heartless wife would nevergrant a divorce, and knowing that
for the past two years Isuffered a terminal illness which
might bring the end at anymoment. You remain my warm and tender
lover, just as I know you willabide lovingly by the terms of this
will and our premaritalagreement to keep me with you always.

(41:45):
Just as you see me now.
For.
As long as you shall live.
You can't bury me. I have tostay in the house with you forever.
As long as you shall live.

(42:08):
Fine.
Put him in.
Put him in the corner.
Yeah, well, that'd be fine ifhe wouldn't keep talking and killing
people. He refuses to letpeople forget that he's there.
But also they keep doing allthe scenes in his Room.
It's a whole house.
Go. Go to the bathroom. Go.
Thank you. It's true. It'strue. There's only so many sets.

(42:32):
What are we made of money?
Go to the Four Year.
Did you see all the fog we hadto bring in? You think we could have
extra rooms? You're crazy.
We only had enough fog for the.
Floor, the outside floor, theground, the floor. Visual thing.
This is Maya Murphy speakingwith me now. Maya Murphy's been teaching

(42:54):
me all about visualstorytelling, and there's some fun.
One of the things that Ithought was really fun here was that
Stel Stevens outfits for thefirst half of the movie. The house
is all, like, somber gothytones. It's like the deep, deep red
and deep, dark browns andblacks. It's somber colors. She's
always in, like Daphne parkpurple. She clashes with everything

(43:14):
in the house. She doesn't fit.But the more frightened she gets
as the movie goes on, shestarts to blend more at the house
because she's scared. She'slike, I'm not gonna be the. I'm gonna
be the person he wants me tobe. I'm gonna wear browns and whites
and yellows, and I'm gonnablend in the rest of the house. So
it's just a cool thing.
A very, very scanty white. But yeah.
No, well, she's in a fullwhite gown when she's dealing with.

(43:37):
With the Farley Granger.
True.
Not in the shower. Yeah, butyou see, anyway, nobody cares. I'm
just kissing up to my Murphyright now because she's cooler than
I am. Anyway, he's awesome.There's so many characters to introduce.
I feel like we kind of have toget some of them out of the way here.
Can we talk about the.
Can we talk.
Can we talk about the. Thankyou. The family. Let's talk about
the siblings. Tell me aboutArnold's beloved siblings.

(44:01):
Elsa Lancaster is a sister.
Ding Dong. No, she's not. ButElsa Lanchester is.
No.
Annie, let big sister fix yourtie. Tidy your hair before the guests
arrive.
Hester, don't you think weshould keep it closed for now?
No.
Ani loves to go to parties.

(44:25):
And she played the Bride ofFrankenstein. And she has the most
amazing chin dimple.
And Miss Marbles.
And Miss Marbles. And Murderby Death.
The woman has one character.She's got one character, and it's
a great one.
Well, tell you she has two,because she did do the Bride of Frankenstein
then. She did everything sincethen, and she's just like the loving.

(44:48):
Oh, Arnie. And she talks. Andshe's just the dotty old aunt who
just seems.
She talks about howeverything's beautiful. Oh, it's
a wedding. I'll leave youalone for your honeymoon. Like she's
the one that's really thevoiceover. This is exactly right.
There's nothing wrong withthis arrangement, 100%.
First, to Hester, my darlingsister whom I cherish, who has tended

(45:10):
and cared for me so lovingly,I leave a lifetime trust of £100amonth
and the incontestable right toreside in this house for as long
as she shall live.
Thank you, Amelie.
You're quite welcome, Hester.
Blah, blah, blah performance.And it's just your standard Elsa

(45:35):
Lanchester. Lanchester.Lancaster Lanchester.
Lanchester.
Lanchester.
Okay.
Ding dong Patrick from thefuture here, my beautiful, beautiful
screamers. I just wanted totake a moment and let you know that
we are now 38 minutes and 15seconds into this episode. That means

(45:55):
it took me 38 minutes and 15seconds to realize that I have been
massacring Elsa Lanchester'sname. That is nearly 40 minutes of
non stop incorrectinformation. Well, Patrick, I only
heard you guys make thatmistake a couple of times. It doesn't
seem like that big a deal. Itseems like you're making a mountain

(46:15):
out of a hole. Okay, listen,you. The fact that you were hearing
about it at all indicates howbig a problem this became during
this episode, okay? Becausethis is what fix it and post means
in a normal episode. If I hadmade a mistake like that, I would
have just edited it out. Iwould have just re recorded it. I
would have just edited arandom. But these mistakes became

(46:38):
so frequent and so entwinedwith the rest of the episode that
there was no way to editaround it anymore. So while. So you
can sit there and think, thisseems like smooth sailing, honey.
I have edited a dozenmistakes. At this point, we're not
even halfway done with theshow. I don't know if you noticed,
but as I was recording thisvery segment that I'm doing right
now, I'm pretty sure I saidher name wrong at least two more

(47:02):
times. Because what's happenedin the interim while I've been editing
this and realizing how deepthis mistake was? It's kind of like
in the 90s. Remember back inthe 90s when George W. Bush didn't
know how to say nuclear? Healways said nuclear because back
then they became sointertwined in my head. I couldn't.
I was just stopped and think,which is the right one? And I was

(47:24):
never sure and now it'shappening to Elsa Lanchester and
it's my own goddamn fault. Ohwell, ding dong, back to the show.
Sustainable is Elsa Lanchesterperformer. But the manic on it is
cranked up. Oh yeah, not up to11, but up to 7.
I do hope you don't think illof me for not attending the ceremony.
Oh, of course not.
I simply had to. Had to stayand prepare for the guests, you know.

(47:49):
Besides, I'm afraid I wouldhave embarrassed too terribly.
I'm sure you wouldn't have.
Oh yes. I always weep so. Sohysterically at weddings. Oh, I'm
sorry. Here I stand chatteringaway and I'm sure that you too, you

(48:09):
two lovebirds will wish to bealone for a bit before the others
start dropping in.
I just love that every timeshe leaves the scene, she leaves
singing la.
La la la la la la.
I don't see anything wrongwith that. That's my life.
Everything's totally normal,honey. You two have fun on your honeymoon.

(48:31):
That's really, really creepily good.
I know, I know. I got my Elsadown, girl. So that's Hester. That's
Hester. She's been the devotedsister that Arnie loved, that had
been his sidekick and likealways, always there by his side
and never done anything wrongin her entire life, ever. Who's the
other sibling?
Roddy McDowell, who's done.Who's done nothing right his entire

(48:54):
life.
But yet has done everything right.
My condolences on the death ofyour husband, lady Dwellin.
I don't need any condolences.I need a stiff drink.
I love, I love when Roddyplays cads like absolute cats. The
absolute shit he'll cats. Ilove it because they're still qu.

(49:16):
Next to my younger brotherRobbie, who has apparently never
wished for anything, obviouslynever worked for anything, consequently
has nothing, I bequeath nothing.
But he's always a deliciousvillain and he's just so over everything.
And he's just exactly what youwant from Ronnie McDowell in his

(49:39):
role. And he's been. And itturns out. Yeah, well, it turns out
the blushing bride ain't thatblushing anyway because she's been
fucking Ronnie McDonald for.Yeah, behind Arnold. Arnold's back.
I haven't had a chance tocongratulate the bride yet. Now that
old Arnie's dead, we don'thave to hide anymore.

(50:02):
Come on.
Sure, but not in front of Arnie.
Why?
I get the creepy feeling he'swatching us.
Oh, come on.
Old Arnie can't see a thing.
See?
Dead as A sausage.
Oh, but he looks so alive.
I must say, he never looked better.
Those eyes, that smile, theymake my flesh creep.

(50:27):
And. And they think, okay, nowwe're going to be free.
But no, then all the money beours. And there's also some hidden
money in the house as well, aswe discover in the will. So that's
when it's established thatRoddy wants that money as well. When
she's like, let's just leaveit. We've got the house. She's like,
no, we can't just leave itsitting there.
There's $100,000 in doubloons.

(50:47):
Doubloons.
It was in doubloons when wefinally stated at the end. It was
in dollar bills. Doubloons.
Diversified.
Thank you. You know what? I'mnot complaining. Very important.
Okay, so that's them. And alsoin the mix are the. Are the lawyers.
Yeah. So there. There's his cousin.

(51:08):
Mr. Whitehead, about the.
Money Arnold mentioned in some vault.
I'm afraid I haven't thefoggiest notion.
Oh, well, it's really notimportant. I was just curious.
I'm sure you'll be informed ofits whereabouts soon enough. Arnold
always provided for everycontingency, and this time he seems

(51:29):
to have outdone himself.
So he is a cousin. And, youknow, for the whole first part, he's
extremely responsible.
To cousin Douglas, a distantrelative, nonetheless, dear to us
all, I entrust the settlementof my estate and certain other affairs
attendant upon my late demiseand current marriage. His retainer

(51:50):
shall continue at its morethan generous level.
Now, is that Farley Granger? Ikeep thinking. Which one's Farley?
No, Farley Granger is the hot,younger lawyer.
Cousin Douglas, the olderlawyer, is played by Patrick Knowles.
Farley Granger is the youngerlawyer. Mr. Lyons, I think.
Okay.
For a long time, I thoughtFarley Granger's mustache was going
to turn out to be the killerbecause it was a whole entity onto

(52:11):
itself. Yeah. And again, not acomplaint. Complaint. It was just
right. No, because everybody.Everybody's shitty. There are no
good characters. Of course,the lawyers are scared. Yeah, he's.
Yeah, the guy, the older guy,Whitehead, that's the cousin. He's
always done right by thefamily. But also, you can tell he's

(52:31):
a total scheme. The family hasasked him to do anything right for
anybody ever. You know,they've been fucking people forever
and he's really good at it.
But the thing is that he getsthese sort of like. I usually think
of this as like playing AgathaChristie. When you're doing the play,
you play it as if you arecompletely innocent. You don't need
to arch an eyebrow at anypoint, except for that one thing

(52:53):
to make the audience thinkthat maybe you're a suspect. But
he played it absolutelystraight until. Until it was time
for fringe benefits.
Yes.
Then the eyebrows startedwaggling and we're in villain territory.
Which is why. Because youdon't know they're bastards. Early
on, like, everyone even, like,the smaller characters reveal themselves

(53:13):
to be bastards, which. Becausethen you also have the. Well, anyway,
we'll get to them.
Tell me about the servants.
All right, well, there's JBFarr playing a role you can't do
anymore.
Yeah.
Oh, it's okay. Because he'sLebanese. He's Lebanese, Blanche.
Well, referred to by RoddyMcDowell as that damn him do Zombie.
He's a perfect houseboy for acorpse. I'm like, oh, oh, no, no.

(53:39):
I mean, he's. He's very browned.
Makeup and different shadesdepending on.
Yeah.
I think this is where the blueway transfer, like, hurts things.
I think maybe it wasn't as bad.
Yeah.
On film. But that. That makeuplooks. It's. It's. It's caked on.
It's caked on.
I want cake.
Yeah. He's. He's the silentIndian servant with a hook.

(54:03):
Hook for him. Scar on his face.
Yeah. Yeah. And there's thegravedigger, Jonesy.
They say when a raven sits ona tombstone, another death is about
to happen. Who says? They say.Oh, they. It's a very old saying.
If there's one thing we don'tneed, it's a ruddy raven helping
out Jonesy. Well, there hasbeen a lot of dying around here lately,

(54:26):
and that's a fact.
Yes.
Jonesy.
Jonesy, Jonesy, Jonesy. Andour constable, Constable Hook, they
kind of serve as the Greekchorus for a lot of this stuff. They're
often standing off on theside, commenting on what's going
on. Yeah. A Constable Hook.
I'm gonna have someGravedigger questions in a bit when
it's time. I got questionsabout a few topics on this one.

(54:50):
Ding dong Patrick from thefuture here. The conversation is
about to get derailed on atangent and unfortunately, we completely
forgot to talk about the mostimportant character in the film.
This character is the gluethat holds everything together. He
is the Hercule Poirot who isgoing to get to the heart of this
crime and solve everything andsave the day. Just kidding. It's

(55:11):
Constable Hook, played byBernard Fox. Who is as inept a fool
as you could possibly get.He's like something out of a French
forest. And he's fabulous.
Jonesy, I've been wondering.Yes, Constable Luke? Did they make
it a cemetery down herebecause it's always foggy, or is
it always foggy down herebecause they made it a cemetery?
I give up. What you mean, yougive up? I don't know. What's the

(55:34):
answer? I don't know. I'masking you. I just told you, I don't
know. Well, there's no need tobe patched on his ass. I don't know.
Everybody's so sensitive.
I mean, this guy can't evenkeep his bicycle from falling over.
It's a running gag that's notparticularly funny when you watch
it. But on frequent viewings,it gets funnier and funnier. Every
time this guy tries to make.He's a bicycle cops. So every time

(55:56):
he tries to make a dramaticexit or say something profound, his
bicycle just falls overspontaneously. Nobody's near it.
Just falls over. It's. It'sdumb, it's slapsticky, but it gets
funnier the more you see. Butmy favorite thing about Constable
Hook is we mentioned. Imentioned before that him and Jonesy
the caretaker serve as sort ofa Greek chorus. Because every time
somebody dies, they have agraveside button to the scene where

(56:17):
they have some conversation,which streams. Goes streaming off
in some weird direction, likeyou just heard about the fog. It's
not just like Greek chorus. Irealized. It's more like Statler
and Waldorf from the MuppetShow. It's like they're just commenting
on the whole scene, like, boo.But it's very funny. Anyway, back
to the show. Nothing was goingto get solved. I feel like everything
is so perfectly schemed out.Like, Arnold picked this place because

(56:39):
this place has the worstconstable ever. He's so stupid. No
one will ever catch us doinganything here because he's absolutely
an idiot. He can't even keep it.
Before we get to the shieldand Rhino, we do need to discuss
four other actors in thepiece. The pallbearers who are mugging
for the gods. Each one of themtrying for their egot in one movie.

(57:02):
Look, you got one scene, yougot one scene. One or the other.
When you see Partners is dead.If you can't steal the scene, you're
nobody. You're never gonnamake it.
As they were all trying. Youknow, there's that.
You will never work on Land ofthe Lost again.
Oh, my God. They're allholding. They're holding the coffin
as. As Elsa Lanchester's like,just chatting about things, and they're

(57:24):
all just, like. They'resweating and mugging about how, hey,
everyone, this is what heavylook looks like.
To be fair, that was 1970stereo equipment. It was probably
17, 000 pounds plus a dead guyin it.
That's true. Because equipmentin the coffin. That's a good point.
Yeah.
All the machinery in it.
Yeah.

(57:44):
I'm just jealous because theystole my acting technique.
Ham and cheese.
Kosher ham and cheese.
Tits and teeth.
Are we going to the Shield and Rhino?
The Shield and Plume.
Shield and Plume.
Shield and Rhino.
Shield and Plume.
I will fight you. I thought itwas shielded rhino.
Shield and Plume. I don't knowwhere you get the rhino from. You

(58:05):
have those British rhinos.It's the Shield and Plume.
All right, I'll meet you atthe Shield and Plume before midnight.
Whenever we go to the Shieldand Plume, it's a completely different
movie.
It is.
Yeah. It's Benny Hill. Sothese are Benny Hill sketch.
All of a sudden, it. Well,whenever we go to the Shield and
Plume, which is the localtavern where we meet the locals,

(58:29):
I'm reminded of something thatDoug said during the first nudie
musical session where he said,this is the kind of movie where you
don't even need a joke becausethe boobs are the joke. Like, you
could just have someone owningboobs. And that's the punchline of
the joke, and it's also thesetup of the joke. We're in the same

(58:52):
kind of weird, innocent worldwhere just boobs were funny. You
didn't need to do anythingelse with them. They were just boobs.
And they're great and they're funny.
Airplane. Yeah.
Yep.
What's my before? Boobs.What's my intention? Boobs. What's
my through line? Boobs.
Three horrible deaths, oneafter the other, and all in the same
family. Don't that lead you tosuspect a bit of foul play, Henry?

(59:16):
No, no, no.
Fl.
Nasty accidents. It was rashof accidents. Rather localized, you
might say.
But how can you be sure?
Oh, when you're a skilledcriminologist like myself, it's as
plain as a nose on your prettylittle chest face.

(59:37):
What's the focus of the scene? Boobs.
They weren't egregious boobs.There was just the right amount.
They weren't, like, overdone,like, it was. It was classy amount
of cleavage. Okay, maybe not.
Well, with an unnerving amountof vocaling. It was an uncomfortable
amount of vocal from a modernperspective, but, you know, what

(59:58):
are you going to do? It's theseventies, and it was. This is exactly
what you expect when you gofrom a movie like this in a setting
like this.
In all fairness, we did getthe. The incredible butt of one of
the dart players.
And also, by the way, theowner of the boobs float. The owner
of the. Of the.

(01:00:18):
You mean the boobs with the owner?
Sure. She's the smartestperson in the movie.
Oh, yeah, she is.
Absolutely.
Outside of Arnold, she's thesmartest person in the movie. So
I thought that was smart because.
She never monologued at apicture of Arnold, which is why she
survived to the end of the movie.

(01:00:39):
Well, she could nevermonologue to anybody because she
always had that old guylooking at her tits, like, right
six inches away.
But the reason she died, sheleft the country so Arnold couldn't
get to her. So that's whythey're the only ones in the cast
who probably survived the movie.
Oh, but, Trey, what I do loveis right when we're talking about
the way the old man wasbehaving around Boob girl, was that
your dogs were sniffing eachother's butts.

(01:00:59):
Oh, exactly. There you go.They know what it was.
Boob girl is Wanda Bailey. Andher big claim to fame was that she
was a laughing dancer likeGoldie Hawn.
Okay, I can see that.
Nice.
That's why they call it theboob tube.
But we have. So we. So I guessthis is where the constable goes

(01:01:19):
to hang out. And now it's likea sitcom with a constable. And you've
got the bartender, and you gother the bartenders. And then you
have the constable's dad,who's just always off on the corner,
kind of like observingeverything and making little comments.
I'm perfect on flow.
Oh, perfect on flow. Big timestorm and everything.
I. I thought you mightfancier. I'd open my handlebars.

(01:01:43):
Oh, that's sweet of you, Henry.
And then perhaps we could popup to your flat and watch the television
with your mother. Ah, listento him. A ruddy sex fiend.
But like I said, it becomeslike a whole different movie where
he gives exposition, but thenyou got, like, these little side

(01:02:03):
characters, but the moviekeeps coming back to them throughout
the whole.
Whole.
The whole thing.
If the killer wasn't going tobe Farley Granger's mustache, I really
wanted to be Flow. I wanted tobe Flow standing at the end. I. Y',
all, she got hers. She gother. She Got. She won her own. Right.
She got exactly what shewanted. I just wish she wasn't so
mean to her. She's so mean.

(01:02:24):
I forgot to tell you that I'vegot other plans for this evening.
Oh, putting me off again, areyou? Listen, a man can take putting
up just so often. And I'masking you straight out, are you
and me engaged or not?
Oh, of course, Henry.
Well, that's more like itthen. Have a lovely evening and I'll

(01:02:46):
see you tomorrow.
She's playing our constablelike a fool the whole movie. That's
not nice. You know, you're hisdad behind your back.
And then because they'reengaged but they haven't been to.
Oh, you're right. Yeah, I keepforgetting that.
Yeah, because I love Bernard.And you see, this is why I think
Bernard Fox, like thatcharacter, like, retired from being

(01:03:09):
a constable and like, became abutler in. In the.
Oh, the Private Eyes.
His whole thing was that hiswife was everybody or just his dad?
I don't know. Anyway, Anyway,anyway, all right, I think. I mean,
we're going to get bogged in.Otherwise we're just gonna. Let's
kill people. Yes, let's killoff Jocelyn. Let's kill off Jocelyn.
Tell me how Jocelyn gets it.

(01:03:33):
Death by schmacting. God, itwas great. She took everything with
her. So she. So she made themistake. She. For some reason, this
woman who is now. She's got apicture of Arnold in her room at
the Shield and Plume. Rhinoand. And Plumerian rhino. I don't

(01:03:55):
know, but she's got like. The picture.
It's not funny. My grandmotherdied of rhino plumes. The rhino plumes.
She had a rhino plumesty.
Rhino plumesty. Please, apicture. She had a picture of Arnold.
She's monologuing at thepicture, which. Don't do that because
that's how you die in this movie.
What an idiotic man you were,Lord Arnold Dwemon and that bizarre

(01:04:20):
and ridiculous marriage. Yousimply couldn't bear to think of
losing your sweet youngmistress, could you? Well, I have
a surprise for you too. Myyears with you weren't all as dreary
and barren and loveless as youimagined. I also had a lover, someone

(01:04:46):
you never even knew. He'll behere shortly to keep me company and
to talk about breaking yourludicrous will. You can simply sit
there and watch.
And she's putting on this facecream as she's talking to him. And
turns out he does makeup, hedoes chemicals. He puts something

(01:05:10):
in her face cream.
Because you're Dead Arnold.And I'm your widow, not your ex wife,
despite that farce of awedding you stage today.

(01:05:44):
So she starts to feel it, andher face starts peeling off. And
she took. She smashed theglass. She pulled down the bed clothes.
That was a death upon a deathupon a death, and I was here for
it. She chewed that sceneryand never got her teeth. Never got

(01:06:33):
anything in her teeth.
As Cindy and Stacy from CreepyKitchen say, she died to death.
Yes.
No. It's a great little scene.No. And the gimmick is what Doug
is referring to everybody.It's either. It's either to a picture
or they get a great coffinmonologue before they die. Everybody's
got a great monologue withArnold before they die. And they're

(01:06:54):
playing it for keeps. It'slike not a comic monologue. They
are playing for keeps withthese monologues. And Doug's like,
why does she have a picture?It's in the model. She's like, by
the way, I haven't had a loverthis whole time. And we're gonna.
And you're gonna watch. That'swhat. The picture's there.
Oh, all right. Yeah. Okay, good.
And he's like, who's gonna get.

(01:07:15):
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you're gonna get fucked.And I'm gonna get. I'm gonna watch.
But it's not gonna be the wayyou think, honey. And one of the
things that I just love isthat this Constable Hook is just
so incompetent every time heassesses the crime scene. It's just
so funny. I mean, just withhow stupid it is with the Yorkshire

(01:07:36):
accent. It just makes it also delicious.
Her ladyship was putting a bitof goo on her face just before bedtime
when this. This dreadful thinghappened all of a sudden, like, bits
and pieces of her face felloff. Oh, peel like a ruddy onion.
She was.
Yes.
If you don't mind my sayingso, that goo was a real wrinkle remover

(01:07:56):
indeed.
The lady was. Was smeared somegoop on her face when all of a sudden
this terrible thing happenedall of a sudden, like, little bits
and pieces of her face.
And it's a little degree grossand goes on for too long.
She looked like a peeledonion. She looked like a peeled onion.
No class, no coon, no justexcuse. Everything's just like. Well,

(01:08:22):
I think it had a lot to dowith heat and brandy or something.
Like, too much. Too much.
But he always like. He's like,it's all that matterport. But you
see what I think happened? Shewas doing this. And then something
else happened. Somethingridiculous. You know how it is.
A real wrinkle remover.
Yeah. Like he is just likeshoe. Shoeing the whole thing away.
Like, ah, you know how it is.It's all in my reports.

(01:08:45):
Yeah. So the whole thing withJocelyn was like she was going to
be interfered. She was goingto be the interference. She was going
to sue. She's got. I'm goingto sue and I'm going to make sure
that this does not work. I'mthe rightful heir and I'm going to
take you out. So now she'sremoved. Now the money's all theirs,
Right? Rodney? Roddy. They getthe money, they're going to live
happily ever thereafter. Right.
But. But also the. The. Thelover shows up at. In her room.
Oh yeah.

(01:09:05):
Sees what's happening, seesher dead and then gets out.
Yeah. Farley Granger, the.The. Is the other lawyer she's been
fucking. The assistant lawyer.
Well, darling, what do you think?
I think the entire estate willend up precisely where it belongs.
Really?

(01:09:25):
If I couldn't outwit drearyold whitehead, I'd pack up my Blackstone.
How will you do it?
After I take care of theFerguson man, I'll tell you, my sweet.
How long will it be?
I'll meet you at the Shieldand Plume before midnight. He takes
his mustache and leaves.

(01:09:46):
I can't deal with this rightnow. I'm too hot for this. This.
I'm an American. I'm gonna go.Seems unpleasant. Yeah. So. So. So
Roddy. Roddy and Karen thinkthey've got it made now, but they
don't.
Arnold is sending cassette tapes.
Thank you.
Intermittently this wholetime. Because he's the one who set
up the murder of the wife.Because you know, she has the toxic

(01:10:09):
face cream that he sent. Hesends it to her.
Or she just had it.
Okay, she had it.
It was there on the bureau.
Okay.
But I think it's time to talkabout the sound system.
Yeah. Okay.
So. So not only does thecoffin have cassette tapes, like
for every. You know, everyone.For the reading of the will was on
a cassette tape. Cassettetapes randomly arrived to be like,

(01:10:32):
ah. Like she's like. Like tolike start dialogue with. With the
person that's being accused.Like they say something and then
the cassette tape doesn't oneup on them. The.
And he leaves pauses. Heleaves perfectly timed pauses for
them to respond.
Exactly, exactly. I'm playingexamples of this to accuse. I know

(01:10:53):
the two of you are having anaffair. The whole thing. But also
in the Sound system. First ofall, they. There are four buttons
on the side of the coffin thatyou don't depress when you touch
them. So they had, like, ipodtechnology already, where you just.
You can press the one on theleft if you're. Or you can press
the one on the right. They alldo the same thing. It doesn't matter.
They just leave your fingerthere for a moment. And also, the

(01:11:16):
whole house is rigged up withthat incredible sound system that
doesn't sound like it's comingfrom a specific place.
Little Robbie, you disgracefulblot on the dweller. Nascutcheon.
You've always covetedeverything I owned. And now you hope
to take my lovely bride awayfrom me.
He knows about us.
Oh, yes. I know how you feelabout dear Karen.

(01:11:37):
What are we going to do? He'salways been so damn jealous.
You must be rational. He madethis tape before he died.
If he really is dead, it wastimed so perfectly. How could he
know you would be here when itarrived? Coincidence?
Oh, no, no, no.
Of course not. Arnie knew meso well, he could anticipate my.

(01:12:02):
Then who sent the tape?
That is the interesting question.
This is where the movie shiftsover to Roddy McDowell. It's all
focusing on Roddy McDowell andStella story now and how they're
going to make this work. Andshe wants to flee. He's like, no,
no, we got to find that money.How are we going to get around this?
Well, we. We don't have tofuck here. We can go fuck at my apartment.
All right, Arnie. Who istrying to drive us bonkers, hmm?

(01:12:33):
Did you make an agreement withCousin Douglas? I mean, he'd do anything
for money. Or is doddering oldHester. She always did anything you
wanted. Or is it that Hinduspook that you picked up in India
all those years ago when helost his arm trying to save your
miserable life that heworshipped. We are forgetting someone.

(01:13:00):
Who?
The poor, grieving widow, Jocelyn.
But first, before he does,he's got to do that. The acting the
heck out of the exposition.Monologuing to. Monologuing to him.
About. About the. How you canadjust his joints so that he's posable.

(01:13:25):
And then off they go to, youknow, to his apartment. And they're
having fun on the couch.They're dressing. She looks up and
surprise. Arnold's in the chair.
We would be much morecomfortable in the bedroom.
Comfort.

(01:13:46):
Much.
What the hell is.

(01:14:14):
Why have we stopped?
We were idiots running outlike that. That's just what Arnie
wanted.
Robbie.
How did he get there?
Somebody brought him. Andwhoever it was is moving him back
to the manor house right now.If we hurry, we can catch them.
Roddy thinks he can outsmarthim. He's like, basically says, listen.

(01:14:35):
He seems to know all of ourmoves. He seems to have done this
intricate study. He knows allof our faults. He knows all of our
weakness. But everything he'sdone is pre. He's got a fixed plot.
He can't change the plot.
It is apparent that old Arniemade a very deep psychological study
of us.
Her face.

(01:14:55):
Don't worry.
We can box him.
How?
He has a fixed plot. He can'tchange it now, but we can.
So you think, oh, we could. Wecould run away. We could do anything.
We're just gonna pack our bagsand go.
Well, obviously the money isnot in the coffin, but I know it's

(01:15:18):
in this house here somewhere.And if he doesn't tell us about it
pretty soon, I tell you, I.I'm going to tear this damn place
apart.
Well, I'm not spending anotherminute here.
All right.
You can go to my flat.
No, I'm not going there again either.
Good God, girl. All right,then. I'll take you to an inn.
What inn?

(01:15:39):
What?
In some. In an inn. I mean,that should calm your supernatural
fears. How the hell can heknow where you're going if you don't
know?
I'll change my clothes andpack a bag.
I know I need something too. Ithink I'll borrow one of your suits,
Arnie. I mean, you're notgoing out again tonight, are you?

(01:15:59):
Old Chapter A Deliveryarrives. What? What arrives? It's
not a cassette this time.
A nice, gorgeous, gorgeous suit.
Great suit.
Oh, Robbie, look. This parcelarrived by messenger tonight while
we were out. Diabe accepted it.
Oh, thank heavens. It's toobig to be another tape.

(01:16:22):
It's for Arnie from London. Itmay be a wedding gift.
Let's see.
Oh, well, look at that. Now,that is very elegant.
Old Arnie must have ordered anew suit.
At least I won't have to weara. Hand me down.
Oh, Robbie, you always werewell to sample Arnie's goodies.

(01:16:43):
Maybe that is because Arniealways had so many more goodies than
I did. Come along, Mr. Old Thing.
Time to go. That suit isamazing. The color's amazing. The
cut is amazing. Where do youwear that? Apparently, yeah. Apparently
Arnold. Arnold commissioned asuit before he died, but didn't get

(01:17:05):
there in time. So it's onlyarriving now. So what happens? So
they. They're gonna. They'regonna Dress up Arnie in his new suit.
Oh, Ronnie McDowell is like,I'm taking this. He's like, this
is mine.
Can you blame him? That is.That is a pimping ass suit. Is a
pimping purple suit. It's amazing.
It's like this dark purple,just. Just like monochromatic. It

(01:17:27):
looks great. But he puts it onand monologues at the corpse. No,
no, you.
Lots of rooms in the house.
Well, honey, your suit fits meperfectly. Just the way your whole

(01:17:48):
life is going to fit me. Youenjoyed seeing me penniless and disowned
while you built up your ownmiserable fortune ninja and spit
on me in.
Your will, you bastard.
I'm going to get everythingthat you hoarded in your whole miserable

(01:18:10):
life. And by the simple anddelightful device of stealing your
sweet little bride.
Oh.
She never was really yours,you know. Not even when you were

(01:18:34):
alive. What's the matter,Arnie? Nothing to say?
All of this stuff was great.All this stuff was great. She was
never really yours, you know.Yeah, he's rubbing it in your face.

(01:18:55):
Well, what are you gonna do?Cat got your tongue? Arnold?
Yeah.
You got nothing to say?
Oh, by the way, before this,they've opened up the great. Because
they get back there and he'snot in the chair anymore. Now he's
back in the coffin. Like,seems to have outrun them. And they
open up the coffin, they seesod and mud on his shoes.
Yes, right, right. And theother thing that I want to point

(01:19:17):
out that they figured out atthis point, like, he can't be doing
this on his own. He's dead.Somebody is sending these tapes.
Right, but she.
But the wife, otherwise,Stella still thinks that he's alive
and doing it.
Yes, yes, But. But she also isagreeing with wife. She's like, right,
but he can't be doing thisalone, so there must be an accomplice.
Someone is trying to drive us crazy.

(01:19:39):
And we believe that becausein. Because for some reason there's
a portrait of him in everyroom in the house. And an eye keeps
popping out and another eyekeeps looking around through it.
Oh, yes.
At nothing in particular.
You can't have an old darkhouse movie without a whole bunch
of sneaker passages andpeekaboo portraits. That's what,
that's the whole reason youbuy an old dark house is for that

(01:20:00):
sneaker passage and peekaboo portrait.
And they keep showing thatthey'll peekaboo portrait. Every
so often someone's looking in,looking at them, so you know someone's
watching them.
But they're not looking atanything in particular. The eye is
just going all over the place.
It's like mad. Ey. Very. Yougot. You got a very limited range
of motion sight when you'reone of those things, It's. It's very
disorienting. You know, whatare you gonna eye shame people in

(01:20:22):
this film? Really?
But then what?
They're probably looking forthe girl with, like. Is that girl
with the boobs here? No. No.Well, I mean, we had Stella Stevens
walking around with her boobsout most of the time anyway, but
there's always, like, oneabout to fall out.
Look, if you're a Playboymodel, just go with it.
Do it.
Do what? You know, all threeof us have been there.

(01:20:44):
She's supposed to be anoversexed airline stewardess. This
is exactly what she should bewearing in a movie like this.
She plays the character really well.
Yeah, but. But, yeah, okay,so, right, what happens, Roddy? What
happens right in this suit?
He starts to kind of get alittle Color starts to get a little
stiff, and his suit starts tosuction up into him like. Like it

(01:21:05):
starts to tighten around him.And it has this great shot of him,
like, laying flat as a plankpropped up against a chair with his
suit. That's like, you know,suction to him, and it's slowly squeezing
him.
Mugging for the gods.
No tape for that, huh? Thingsthat. Things aren't turning out the

(01:21:36):
way you.

(01:22:03):
You son of.

(01:22:31):
This is where I had anotherproblem. It's going to be a gay thing.
It. If you have Roddy McDowelland you have him in an extremely
tight suit. Can we please seethe butt?
You know what? There's a greatshot of his butt when he falls when
he's running away from thecorpse. When they. When the corpse
pops up in his room, he fallsover the fireplace poker set after
rewatch and his butt coochet.He looks great. But also just because

(01:22:54):
I know now that from ElizabethTaylor's autobiography that Rodney
Mattel had the biggest dick inHollywood. So I'm like, he did. He's
got to bust through, right?Apparently, yeah.
Apparently.
It was huge. Apparently. Itwas gigantic. According to Elizabeth
Taylor. And I think ElizabethTaylor knows.
She would know. She's one ofthe boys.
Thank you.
But he eventually blows up,explodes in the suit.

(01:23:18):
It makes no sense. It'scompletely impossible. And I don't
care, because it's like.
Those are amazing buttons.
How could you believe that?Master Robbie popping his buttons.
Right, right, right in herface. God, everybody's got so Much
go. You know, it's. Yeah, hegets. He gets killed by the suit.
It doesn't make any sense andI don't care. It's. It's wonderfully

(01:23:39):
ridiculous. But again, it'sall about his vanity because, like,
I knew. I knew exactly whatyou're going to do. You've always
wanted my things, including mywomen. So, of course you're going
to take this suit. It's goingto be the last thing you ever wear.
You're going to find it alittle uncomfortable. The. The. Bro.
I had to play the. All theaudio for this because this was all
great. It's like. Well, Ifound bits and pieces of scattered

(01:24:00):
higgledy.
I found the assorted bits andpieces here in the drawing room.
Yes, There. There was thishead on a mantelpiece. All blue,
it was. And blown up like aruddy circus balloon.
Yes.
But I made out Master Robertright enough.

(01:24:21):
Yes, yes, I understand vividly.
Oh, it's cleaned up verynicely, that. Yes. And nestling over
here in a corner was this pairof shoes. And scattered about higgledy
piggledy was wee bits andpieces of what goes between the head
on the shoes. Sort of like ajigsaw puzzle, you might say.

(01:24:44):
Please get to your question.
Right you are.
I'm sorry, man. Now all I wantto clear up my report is this was
all them various components,Master Robert, or might they have
been Master Robert and someother person? And one of them.
There was only Robert.

(01:25:06):
Thank you, Mum. That saves alot of further fuss and poking about.
Odd sort of accident, really.Very odd, yes. Combination of too
much heat and too much brandy,I suppose.
His head was over here, blownup like a circus balloon at the burial.

(01:25:26):
Are just.
The best part of this was thatafter he had this horrific description
of Roddy Modell's death andshe said, he's like. Do you understand
what I'm talking about? Do yousee what I'm saying? She's like,
yes, vividly. But he goes, Ihave a question for you, lady dwelling.
Do you think all those remainswere just so Robbie. Might have been

(01:25:49):
Sir Robbie and also a midget.Okay, that'll make my paperwork so
much easier. Thank you,ladies. It's so good.
They just let him go.
Yeah.
They didn't write a thing forhim. They're like, and you'll fill
that in.

(01:26:10):
And it's all. It's so. It'shorrific, but it's adorable. He's
so adorable in this role. I love.
Well, like Doug was saying,every time someone dies, we cut to
like their gravestone with,like, a raven on top of it. And then
you see the gravedigger, andthen you see the sheriff or the officer,
so you can kind of let it in.
They have their. Yeah, theyhave the little Greek chorus commentary
on whatever's going on. Theyhave a joke that doesn't work every

(01:26:31):
time they try to do a joke,and it doesn't work.
On time. Scraping up enough ofM. Robert to fill this hole in proper.
Well, rest in peace, as thesaying goes. I'm rest in pieces too,
I suppose.
Like the whole thing youmentioned earlier with the fog.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you think it's foggy herebecause they put a cemetery here?

(01:26:53):
Or did they put a cemeteryhere because it's always foggy and
the character is like, I don'tknow, what's the answer? No, it's
not a riddle. Every one oftheir scenes ends with them walking
away frustrated because nobodyknows. They don't know what the other
one's talking about, which Ithink is very cute. It's cute. Like
nothing's hilarious, but it's cute.
Karen, my dear, don't yourealize by now I mean to hold you

(01:27:16):
to our agreement? I gaveRobbie ample warning he was headed
for disaster. He didn'tlisten. So I designed that suit especially
for him. I'm afraid it willnever be a popular model. There is
no escape, Karen. You and Iwill always be together. And from

(01:27:43):
now on, I'm sure you'll findit much easier to devote all your
attention.
Well. Cause I think. I mean,they get rid of the lawyer of the.
I mean, he does say it'sraining puppies and pussies and that's
great, but the. No, but it'slike. And then it's just a series
of people that then want herand are willing to do stuff for her

(01:28:04):
until they all die.
Well. Well, yeah. Anotherperson will come in to take advantage
of Stella Stevens, which she'smore than okay with.
Yeah.
And the Arnold seems to have,like, preordained every. Or, you
know, anticipated everythingand has every contingency planned,
including for the cat.
He never liked yet.
The shitty lawyer. The shittylawyer who. The older one that we

(01:28:25):
thought was gonna be okay,he's like, yeah, okay, I can help
you out for 50%, but fringebenefits do.
Oh, Douglas, I'm sofrightened. Please help me. Please.
Of course.
Yes, of course I will, my dear.
If I have to go on living withthat thing, I'll go mad. There must
be some way to free me fromthat sadistic agreement. I'VE signed.

(01:28:48):
Hmm.
Would require a good deal ofclever legal manipulation.
I'll pay a generous fee and ifyou're successful, 10% of my share
in the estate.
I rather think 50% would bemore fitting, my dear. Plus fringe
benefits.

(01:29:09):
50% plus fringe benefits. Iwon't pay it.
Well, I rather think thatcompletes our business. Good night,
lady dwellin. Do remember meto Arnold, please.
Douglas. 50%. Plus fringe benefits.

(01:29:40):
Plus fringe benefits.
Yeah. Eyebrows. Eyebrows.Waggling. I love that she said no.
At first. I love to listen shesaid no, and then she's like, you
know what? Okay, you know, ifthis is going to get me out of here
a lot. What the fuck?
Oh, yeah. She's game for itafter that.
Well, I don't know if she'sgame for it, but she's on board.
Even though nothing reallyhappens. I love this dude, that this

(01:30:02):
guy's so cocky that Arthurknows I know that this guy's gonna
steal my whiskey at some pointbecause he always does. He's always
gonna steal my cognac. And Ilove. Even the tape is like, hey,
so did you enjoy that cognac?
I was never overly fond ofyou, Douglas. For one thing, you're
an ungrateful wretch. If Ihadn't kept you on lavish retainer

(01:30:23):
all these years, you'dscarcely have any practice at all.
That's a damn lie.
Yet like all the other greedymembers of this family, you feel
cheated.
Of course. I dedicated my lifeto serving you and you threw me crumbs.
By the way, did you enjoy myexcellent and very expensive vintage
cognac or chap. You have ahabit of helping yourself to it.

(01:30:47):
I was certain you would again.
Oh, good Lord.
Oh, don't be alarmed, dearboy. The cognac isn't lethal. It
will merely help you enjoy avery long, very deep and restful
sleep.

(01:31:12):
Hey, guess what? It's okay.Okay, okay. It's not gonna kill you.
It's all right. It's justgonna give you a nice nap. And I
also love that. I love to lovethat. Okay. He winds up getting doped.
He passes out and we see hisbody has been moved to the garbage
tip wrapped. And the garbage gets.
Yeah, wrapped.
Him wrapped in plastic andgets thrown into a garbage truck

(01:31:34):
to get compacted. But his bodyis sitting right on top of the garbage,
so that means the garbage binhad to. They could not. Not see the
dead body in the. But it'sokay. I don't care.
We never hear him wake up. Soit's like he's compacted, but you
never hear him be like, what'sgoing on? It's just.
Well, it's okay. He never. Henever woke up. Yeah, he never woke,
but he left his. His footbehind. So if the kitty drags any
more body parts, just let him.Let him.

(01:31:56):
Oh, yeah, the kitty justdrags. Drags in the boot.
Let Jonesy know it. He'll tipin the pit, the rest of them.
Seems a waste of preciousspace just to bury one foot, Mom.
Yes.
Pitifully small remains. Areyou certain that it was cousin Douglas?

(01:32:16):
Oh, yes, yes. All in myreport, Mom.
The.
The foot wasn't a great dealof help. Man's foot, it was size
10 AA. Well kept. And the. Thesock was in rather nice taste, but
the. The leg suspender was alittle garish for my liking. No identifying

(01:32:38):
marks or wounds. Unless, ofcourse, he was to. To count where
the ankle was cut off. No, no,Real puzzler it was. And then I put
my investigative skills towork. Traced a boat to a firm in
London. They made this precisefootgear up special for solicitor
White Ed.
Yeah.
Seems he had some sort ofinverted instep, you know.
Very clever, Constable. How doyou suppose that dear Douglas met

(01:33:05):
with such an unfortunate accident?
Plain and simple, ma'.
Am.
Yes, it's all in my report.You see, the trail of blood went
from the boot out into thestreet. Hit and run. It was dead
of night. Dark street, black suit.
Oh.
Never knew what hit him. No,no, no, no. Poor chap. I should think
they'd be picking up bits andpieces of. In between here and Liverpool

(01:33:27):
for some time. I shouldwonder. Oh, if the cat drags in any
new bits and pieces, Jonesycan dump them in the pit as they
pop up.
No couth, no class.
Well, crikey. Many's the timeI've heard the expression of having
one foot in the grave. But.But what? But what? It's an expression.

(01:33:52):
One foot.
It.
Oh, never mind.
But then. Yeah, but. So thenit gets to where ultimately we. Stella
Stevens gets killed off. And Iwas actually kind of surprised when
that happened. I wasn't expecting.
I was.
I was too.
Yeah, I was. I thought shewould have been protected by that
enormous shower cap that shehad on. That was insane. That thing

(01:34:13):
was. That thing was like aVegas headdress. She does have a
big wig on to balance off herbig movies. Yes. So she. She winds
up hooking up with the otherlawyer. The hotter lawyer. Yeah.
Farley Granger.
Yep.
Farley Granger from Strangerson a Train.
Yeah. And the prowler Hitch Hitchcock?
Yes.

(01:34:35):
You're so young, so attractive.
You can't go on with a macabrearrangement like this.
But I have to. It's the onlyway I can stay alive.
Well, I wouldn't call thisstaying alive. Don't you worry. Now

(01:34:56):
that I'm taking over your affairs.
We'Ll get you out of this in a hurry.
You mustn't talk like that.Can't you see Arnold is lying right
here watching and listening toevery word.
Now you see him. No, you don't.

(01:35:20):
Now, about your arrangementwith Mr. Whitehead.
Oh, Douglas was going to getme out of my agreement and help me
dispose of Arnold for 50% ofthe estate plus fringe.

(01:35:40):
Benedict.
Well, they're very happy tomake the same arrangement.
Oh, no, you can't. Don't youunderstand? He'll kill you too.
No, no, he doesn't know aboutme, remember?
Besides, Karen, he's notdealing with musty old Whitehead
now.
Oh, that predictable fop. Robbie.

(01:36:03):
Maybe you can do something.
I think our first objectiveshould be all that cash your husband
is supposed.
To have hidden somewhere.
But yeah. So they're in theshower together and it goes up. Pans
up and you see the walls cometogether. Crush.

(01:36:26):
Closing it very clumsily, yes.
Evan, what if Hester saw you?
Nobody saw me. I thought itwas only decent to come scrub your
back before we went out this evening.
Oh, no, no, no.
Ah, this way's better.

(01:36:47):
Evan, I guess you were close to.

(01:37:15):
Doug. It was very Jekyll andHyde Club, that death.
Oh, was it cool?
Well, no, I mean the Jekylland Hyde Club. I thought you might
have been there because it wassuch a neurostaple. Whatever.
You would.
When you would go to theJekyll and Hydra up. You had to go
to this room at the beginningwhere you got an introductory speech
from Dr. Jekyll, blah, blah,blah. But then all of a sudden the
lights would go out and theceiling would start.
Nice.

(01:37:36):
And you had to find the wayout. So. And it was about. And it
looked as. About as effectiveas the tv. But no, I was shocked.
And again. Again, I was.Nevermind. I disproved my point.
But. But yeah, there's anothertime the bodies are getting moved
because we find out. Yeah, thebodies were found like in.

(01:37:56):
A car that went over like.Wait a minute. What?
Yeah, so somebody's doing alot. Somebody's doing a lot of behind
the scenes.
And one character left thecleaning and. Yes.
Oh, well, yeah. Jamie Farrgets his head cut off. Jamie Farr
is such a disappointment inthis movie. I mean, aside from the
racist character like this, hegives so much nothing. Well, his

(01:38:17):
character, I understand thischaracter is a mute that nobody can
understand and never. Nobodyknows what he's doing. But it's so
blank that I keep forgettinghe's there and I don't care about
him. So when he gets his headcut off, which is kind of a cool
death.
It is a cool death.
Slip. It was nice. And I alsolike that there's no blood in the
movie.
Yeah.

(01:38:37):
Yeah.
But it's also like thecleaning job in this house because
I mean like all the thingsthat need to be cleaned up after
all the death. It'simmaculate. And I don't know this.
That his character was doingit. Except the lab downstairs where
he dies. That's all cobwebsand mice randomly standing on barrels
in a scary way.
Well, it was. It was thesecret. It was the secret laboratory

(01:38:59):
that was only for Arnold. Noone else was allowed down there.
No one else knew about it.
And no one's been cleaning.
Somebody should have cleaned.My husband was horrified.
Couldn't you hire some of themCinderella mice to do the cleaning
and make me.
Make us really long union?
They were. They were barrelfucking lazy Brits. But yeah, it

(01:39:21):
turns out that the. The secretkiller, the secret system, the whole
time has been gloriouslychipper. Elsa Lanchester.
Well done. My dear, devotedHester. The playing of this tape
means that you carried outyour final assignment with all the
devotion you displayed in alifetime of caring for me. And as
I planned so brilliantly, wecan now be together, you and me,

(01:39:45):
forever. Jocelyn would neverhave agreed to it. Karen did agree,
but I knew she was asfaithless as Jocelyn. And now each
is disposed of.
I got two this last time. Oneyou never even counted on.
I think I may be forgiven atouch of immodesty if I say my scheme

(01:40:05):
was simply masterful. Mypsychological skill, my ability to
outwit and outguess easilyprevailed over all those greedy little
people.
Shut up, Arnie. Your skill,your wits, your genius. Without me,
your plot would be nothing butyards of ridiculous tape. I timed

(01:40:32):
the arrival of the tapes andthe suit and I told Jonesy how to
get Karen and the solicitorinto the car and Cousin Douglas into
the trash box and all theother detailed. Did you really imagine

(01:40:54):
that I'd keep you aroundforever like some monstrous stuffed
animal?
I only used you, Arnie, justas you used me.
Nighty night, Arnie. I'm goingto tuck you in. Nice and warm.

(01:41:29):
Happy. Yes, she's the one. Andwe find out she's actually kind of
bloodthirsty herself whenthey're date, when it's the gravedigger
digging a grave and.
She'S like, oh, pinafore.
Yeah. Can you go down in therea little bit and just, you know,
he goes in there and she'slike, this grave isn't free. Isn't
for Arnold.
It's free.

(01:41:52):
Isn't that nice, Jonesy?You've got it all finished. You've
been a big help to me and I do appreciate.
Well, would you mind showingyour appreciation with a bit of cold
cash, Mum, like you promised?After all, I put in a lot of extra
hours.
Yes, yes, of course. As soonas we dispose of Arnie.

(01:42:16):
Oh, well, I don't see the box. Mom.
Arnie is right here. I had him cremated.
My goodness, is Lord ship cookright down to nothing, doesn't he?
Yeah. Oh.
Oh, Jonesy, there's a nastybig rock down there. Would you move

(01:42:37):
it, please? We want it allcomfy cosy ahoy.
Yes, I'm all comfy cosy forLord Arnold, eh?
Brave is not for Arnie. No.
It'S for you, Jonesy. It's foryou. Jonesy was such a great moment

(01:43:04):
and she looks deranged. It's agreat scary moment. The goose people
moment of the movie. But Ilove her whole coffin monologue too,
because when we're finding outthat it's her, it's the big reveal.
She's so happy. She's sopleased with herself. She's. She's
done. I've helped my brother.We've done the good thing. We've
done this together. I got. Igot two last time and I got one you
didn't even think about. Buthe's not giving her any credit. He's
like, I am the greatest. Ihave every day. I am the most amazing

(01:43:28):
person. She's like, you didn'tthink about this? You didn't think
about this. I've been takingcare of all the little minor details
that you didn't think of, youson of a bitch. And we realized that
all this repressed rage comesout in this coffin monologue. And
it's a wonderful thing. It's awonderful moment. She's like, fuck
you. You think I'm keeping youaround. Are you crazy? You're going
to crematory. Bye bye. Fucker.I'm out of here. I'm going to Rome

(01:43:50):
more.
Yep. So like everyone else.
But yeah, yeah. And then when,when she Then we find that she's.
Jonesy has also been helpingJones. The caretaker has been helping
her move bodies and thingslike that. So she's had. There's
been two killer assistants.
So she does take the. So shegets him. So he's cremated, and she

(01:44:11):
then takes him to the familycrypt. Here's why. I have another
question. If they have thishuge, wonderful crypto, why have
they been burying all thebodies in the backyard? Like, when
they know that there's no space?
Because they're not theimportant ones. Like this. This.

(01:44:31):
This is for the importantfamily. I think that the crypt is
for the important family.That's for Arnold. That's for the
people that Arnold. All theother people. You go in the. You
go in the yard.
They're not going to desecrateit with the bodies of the help.
Huh? He murdered them. Hedoesn't like them. You could go sit
in the yard.
The brother probably shouldhave been in the cr. At least. There
was no room left in the yard.

(01:44:52):
You know what? There wasbarely anything left of him. They
said there was this. Like, wehad. We said we had barely enough.
We could barely find enough tofill up the coffin. We're not even
sure we got all the parts. Wecan't put him in the coffin. He's.
He's a mess. He's a mess. Andplus, if you keep putting people
in the crypt, they might findthe money.
That's true.
We can't have people findingthe money because that's where the
money is. Yeah.

(01:45:13):
This catch 22 bothered mebecause she. She finds the money
in the crypto, and of course,you know, goes in there and, like,
has her wonderful monologue asshe's, like, derangedly moving the
bills around and looking at a notebook.
Scrooge. Been ducking it inthe doubloons.
You've been helping. Well, Iwas like. And she's been helping

(01:45:35):
Arnold with every motherfuckerand their vices, and she's, like,
walking into a trap. Like,she's hasn't set it up for all these
other people. Maybe if hefound her spot.
Hubris. Hubris. This is allabout hubris?
Oh, yeah.
My dear, devoted Hester. I wasso sure you were the one person who
loved me for myself alone,with no thought of monetary rewards.

(01:45:59):
Yes. Honey, do you know howclose we've always been?
But, dear sister, just in theterrible event you should prove me
wrong, I devised this finalmoment of reckoning.
No, no, not Annie.
I did everything.
Everything, just as you said.

(01:46:21):
I know. I couldn't be hereunless you had disposed of me against
my wishes. And you wouldn't behere unless you had placed me here.
I leave the money right here.
Arnie.
What could it.
Molly, esri, really, no needfor tears or recriminations. We both
have what we most want.
Honey, you're teasing me.

(01:46:42):
Honey, you have that hoard ofmoney at your fingertips. And I have
you with me here for all eternity.
Eternity.
Eternity. Eternity. And thenit, you know, the door close, shuts

(01:47:04):
her in, and then there's likea perfect sound system in the room.
Of course.
Gorgeous, smooth voiceover,surround sound.
Yeah, she's. She's just beenburied alive and she doesn't know
it yet. And I love that ittakes her a while to even believe
it. And she's like, please,she's not panic. It takes her a long
time to start panicking. Ithought that was so wonderfully grizzly.

(01:47:26):
And then we just panningaround going, well, everybody's dead.
Everybody's dead. Everybody'sdead. And when I watch it with my
group, Tara Gardner goes, oh,at least the cat survive.
Oh, oh, yeah. The cat doesn't.
There's one more death.
There's been a running.There's been a running gag with the
cat trying to get the. The raven.
Well, there. There are other,like the other way around.

(01:47:48):
The raven got the raven gotthe cat.
Well, there was in thebeginning, there was like, oh, well,
he and Arie have never been onthe best of terms and I guess that
was the setup. But that catlooked a lot like my Ricky and was
very upset.
You know, I'm just going tosay, if that cat was in that house,
that cat was a dick.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. It was a dick by association.
That's a cunty kitty. Yeah, yeah.

(01:48:09):
But everybody that did poorlittle Barnard F is like, well, everybody's
gone. And I guess she's off onher trip that she so greatly deserves.
Smell cat runs off and then araven goes for the cat and just kills
the cat. Behind. Behind.
Well, pussycat, it appearsnobody home up at the manor. Lady
Esther must have gone off onthat long trip she always dreamed

(01:48:31):
of. Yes. Yes. Well, after allshe's been through, she deserves
it.
And. And then Shani singsArnold Blaring, blaring, jarring
reprise and I'm there for it.It was.

(01:48:52):
Yeah, it's such a camp. It'salways moving. It loses a little
steam when they're, like,wandering in, like, little corridors,
secret corridors. But otherthan that, it was. It picks up.
But you need that in an olddark house movie. That, that's the
core of an older. You can't.You can't yell. You always have to
have somebody in a diaphanousnightgown wandering around with a

(01:49:13):
candelabra at some point. Youneed that.
Oh, we also have the dreamsequences. The dream sequences.
Oh, yeah, the dream ballet.
That was dumb.
You know what?
Her. The. I don't. I don't. Ithought it was a waste of time and
I thought it needed to comelater. So there were more bodies,
more corpses.
Yeah.
Because there's only two. Itwas just Jocelyn and only two at

(01:49:34):
the time.
But some great eye crossing acting.
But her makeup, Jocelyn's faceguard makeup is horrific in that
scene. It's really greatconsidering how goofy the rest of
the movie is. Is. Her scarredface is terrifying. She's got that,
like the one eye that'sboiled. That is.
Yeah.
That is grim.
But just her running in slowmotion in diaphanous gowns. Gowns

(01:49:57):
and fog and. And Arnoldactually gets to move around and
did he actually talk? The dream?
No.
Okay. I thought there was.
Okay, I. I thought, like, his,you know, his mouth is closed, but
his laugh is happening.
Yeah. Or at least he's.
Even the voiceover soundsystem in the dream is. Is on full
tilt.
Yeah.
Yeah. And it. That's. That'snot. That wasn't the actor doing

(01:50:18):
the voiceover. Oh. It wasn'ttwo different people.
Damn.
Yeah. It's a crazy littlemovie. But I. I saw it and I said,
this is perfect for us becauseit's got that privatized feel to
it and it doesn't go too farwith anything to scare Doug.
No. I was a little scaredwatching it.
And it's goofy enough and it'sgay enough that there's lots to talk

(01:50:39):
about and people don't knowabout it. It's been lost for a long
time. And I think I thought itwas good. It was a good movie. But
when I screened it the othernight for my group and there's like
seven or eight people watchingit with a crowd, it played really
well. They loved it. They ateit up like candy.
I can see that.
And especially. Especiallynow, like, people were like, people.

(01:51:00):
This is me and the show. Likethe way things are right now. I'm
having trouble watching horrormovies, so it's just as well I'm.
I'm wrapping up because it's.If I don't know how they end, I get
stressed out. I don't like it.And plus, everything's so dark. These
Days. So there's always atrepidation when we have movie next.
Be like, is this gonna be,like, really creepy and sad and depressing?
But people were just sodelighted by the whole thing. Like,
that was such wicked fun.Yeah, that was wicked. We get to

(01:51:22):
see. We get to see A plusactors taking this bullshit material
at an A plus level. Nobody isslacking in this movie because it's
a goofy film. And. And it pays off.
I feel that way about theimposters. I mean, the imposters.
It is my favorite movie of all time.
I know.
Is an A plus film. But it's.But is also just like actors that

(01:51:43):
never get to do these roleshaving the time in their life when
you said.
I mean, it very much is likeDr. Phibes in the theater of blood.
And because there's a littlescene where it's just a murder thong.
It's just an excuse to killpeople in weird ways. And once it
gets the plot going, that'sall this movie is. It's just, let's
just kill a person. Someoneelse. Okay. Let's kill someone else.

(01:52:03):
Let's kill else.
Well, that's what thisdiscussion boiled down to. Because
we're running out of time.Okay. We go about the plot forever.
But ultimately that's not whatis important. It's the bizarro ways
people die. Yes. Is whatyou're gonna remember. And the musical
numbers, of course. Yeah.
Yeah.
And if you're a certain kind.Stella Stevens. Because she is. She's
really beautiful in this.

(01:52:24):
She is. She is. She's. I don'tknow if she was. I'm torn with her
because at certain points I'mlike. I didn't feel like she played
it right. But on the otherhand, I'm like, she played it to
match what everybody else wasdoing. Wasn't playing a cartoon.
Right.
Of. Of. Of the bimbo.
But when she saw Jamie Farr'sdeath, she did get to do across your
eyes and faint.

(01:52:45):
I was very pleased for her.
Good job. That was like RodneyMcDowell level. I was very proud
of her because he also die.
Look, I went to Stella Adlerfor an extra four years to learn
how to cross my eyes. And I amgoing to do it in this goddamn movie.
I didn't get to do it. Thegoddamn design adventure. I'm gonna
do it now.
Stella Adler. I was supposedto go to Stella Adler to learn to

(01:53:06):
act up. Which is StellaStevens. That explains my career.
That explains why you can'twalk up a ladder in high heels. I
knew it.
It Was down the street across a.
Little less so close. But youknow what? The gays love you. That's
why the gays love you.
By the way, here's who the Jewhad a problem with the movie. There
were funerals, there wereburials, there were weddings. Nothing

(01:53:29):
to eat. I don't rememberanybody eating in this movie. I was
dying for them. Eating the catat the end.
Well, Arnold like to tortureeveryone. That's why. Make sure no
one has fun at his funeral.
Not a cake, not a cookie, nota cracker you don't put out. No,
that's the horror in thismovie. Not the good kind of horror.

(01:53:50):
The horror.
The horror.
I mean, what is a good. Whatis a good act app for will reading?
I don't know. What. What youput out for that sort of. I don't
know. I don't. Cheetos, WheatThins, I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
What kind of dip. What kind ofdip you.
Carrots.

(01:54:11):
What kind of dip. What kind ofdip do you serve at the seventh funeral
we've had this week?
The. The French onion mix.Powder out of some sour cream. There's
always some in the category.
There always is. There alwaysis. And you know what? What, are
you gonna complain? Nevermind.There's only one of you here. There's
only one person here at thisfuneral because everyone else is

(01:54:32):
dead. All right, boys, I thinkwe've done this crazy movie.
Can we talk about all theamazing work that you've done?
Patrick, we can do that.
It has been such an honorplaying with you and thank you for
making the space for me in arealm that I can never have anything
to do with. It is such a joy,like seeing everything that you create

(01:54:53):
and bring into the world. AndI am honored to know you.
Here's the thing, folks. Thisis one of the ironic things I don't
think I've ever brought up toDoug before. Doug, Doug, what's an
actor statement?
An actor statement?
Yeah, yeah.
A branding statement.
Branding statement. Yes.
So as an actor, what is that?You get to choose what it is you

(01:55:15):
sell. And if you coulddescribe it for your buyers, then
it makes it clear to them byusing already successful references.
So for me, I'd say that I'm abass baritone down to a low C with
the intelligent charm of KevinKlein, the physical wit of Groucho
Marx, and the sensitive souland hair of Patrick Dempsey.
Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Maybeit wasn't what I was asking for.

(01:55:37):
Oh, no, that little. No, no,that's. That is actually. Yes, but
Then you also. You also have alittle thing where you, like, you
try to condense it intosomething that's even smaller. Like,
like, like. Like a model.
Like. So for me, it'd befearless mensch. Or Alex is. Looks
like hair. Sounds like showboat.

(01:55:58):
He's a fearless mensch. Exceptwhen he comes on my show that he's
afraid of everything. So he'snot. He's not that fearless. He's
not that fearless. So yourbranding statement is a lie, Doug.
It's a lie.
I'm afraid to let you down.That's why I showed you.
Oh, okay. Yes, I know. Yeah.It has been a long, strange trip.
And one of the things that Ididn't mention. Started to mention
before, and I. Sorry, I'mgorgeous. Yes. I mentioned how you

(01:56:26):
guys shaped the show when youweren't around. Oh, Trey.
Yes.
You are a very direct person.Yes. I am one of your most prominent
characters. One of your most.I'm sorry, I'm having trouble with
words because my brain fog iskicking in, but I'm going to work
through it and not getstressed about it. Yeah. It's one

(01:56:50):
of the most, for me, admirablequalities. And over time, I'd be
like, back when the show firststarted, I would just, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah. And over time, I'd just be
like, could you make this moredirect? Could you make this more
direct? Like, people are like,trey. Would Trey care about this
part? Or Trey wanted themovie. And Doug, you always inspired

(01:57:15):
me on how to make the showkinder. When I first started, the
show was mean because that'swhat was in. Huh. I thought, you
know, because that's whatevery other movie podcast would do.
You take a show, take a movie,and you'd rip it apart because that's
what people wanted to hear.And that is the easy way to get ratings
is to just shit on everything.Yeah. But working with Doug, you
know what? This. This hundredsof people that worked in this film.

(01:57:37):
People put these films, evenif they suck. People that. It's a
life's dream. Some of thesepeople, they. They gave everything
they had to make this shitty,shitty movie. Find something to like
about it.
Those four find something goodabout it.
There's got to be somethingabout. Thank you. And yeah. So just.
Yes. The ongoing influence youtwo had on the show, and it's been

(01:58:00):
big shaping in the second halfof, like, in the latter years past
summer.
Oh, you hear that?
Yeah. And your love for thisPatrick has shaped like countless
podcasts that have come after you.
Yes, I know the ones that allmake the money. But you know what?
Go with God.
There's always someone youngerand prettier coming up behind you

(01:58:22):
on the staircase. That's whatI've learned from loaming alone.
And it's totally true how they get.
A part in this town.
Not bad. I'm not absolutely.But. All right, boys, I think that's
all I'm going to be able to dotonight. I would love to stay and
talk to you more, but mybody's saying no, that's fine. I'm
sorry, boys.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
I love you both. Thank you somuch for being on this crazy journey
with me.
Thank you for letting us join.This is always. I've. I've loved

(01:58:44):
always being on your show.
No, thank you. All right.
And I love listening to it, soI didn't have to watch it.
Until we meet again. Staysafe, stay healthy, and stay fantastic.
Love you.
Mean it.
Love you.

(01:59:06):
Ray. That was wild. Woo. Thankyou so much to my very special guest,
Tradeine and Doug Shapiro forcoming on and classing up this episode
with their unique blend ofjoie de vivre and rugged masculinity.
Now, if you're like me and youadore Trey and you adore Doug, and

(01:59:29):
you just can't get enough ofthem into your life, remember Trey
Dean is my co host over atDamienClewis, which is the Friday
the 13th the seriesretrospective podcast that we've
been doing with Maya Murphyfor the past couple of years. But
Patrick, isn't that a Patreonexclusive podcast? I'm not a Patreon
subscriber. Up until now. Now,Damian Wonka Lewis has been only

(01:59:51):
available to those who supportthe Scream quiz universe on Patreon.
However, the show will begoing public in October. But even
though technically DamianWonka Lewis is on hiatus until then,
we're still put. We're puttingout very Special Friday the 13th
the series spectacularepisodes between now and then to

(02:00:12):
tide you over. What does thatmean? Well, it's like a Friday the
13th the series particular,but for Friday the 13th the series.
I don't have time to explaineverything because he'll be here
all night. If you want moretrading, you can find him there.
But I also want Doug Shapiro.I'm getting to Doug Shapiro. Would
you calm down? If you alsowant Doug Shapiro in your life, you
are very lucky because inaddition to being a sexy voice in
your ears on A podcast. DougShapiro is a professional stage actor,

(02:00:35):
which means if you are in theNew Hampshire area, you can see him
doing his thing live and onstage at the fabulous Barnstormers
Theater in Tamworth, NewHampshire, where right now, now Doug
is starring in the worldpremiere of a brand new murder mystery
play called Fred Murder.Following that, he's in Agatha Christie's
the mousetrap starting onAugust 2nd. I heard he plays the
mouse. He's very cute in it.And I was trying to get in touch

(02:00:58):
with Doug because we recordedthis episode so long ago. I wanted
to confirm this, but he mightbe performing in the 25th annual
Putnam County Spelling Beestarting on August 21st. But I'm
not sure because, listen, Iknow the adults played the children
in that show, but Doug, honey,the makeup's only gonna do so much.
How big is this theater? Is itlike stadium seating? I'm not saying

(02:01:21):
you're old. I'm just sayingit's theater magic, Doug, not theater
sorcery. I mean, Lucille Ballthought she could pull off Mame,
but you do you, honey. Now, Iknow some of you guys are thinking,
Patrick, what a mean thing tosay to Doug after he was just on
your final episode. That'swhat you get for not returning my
phone calls. Trying to confirmyour schedule. Anyway, links for

(02:01:43):
more information aboutDamewonka Lewis and the Barnstormers
Theater summer schedule. Allright. Down there in your show notes.
So I highly recommend lookingdown there and going clickety click.
All right, my beautiful,beautiful screamers. I suppose I've
put off the inevitable for aslong as I can, and it's time to start
saying goodbye. But like theold disco song said, I never can

(02:02:07):
say goodbye, Boy. No, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And
the best part is, I don't haveto say goodbye to you. Today is not
a goodbye. It's a see youlater. Okay. Okay, I know you're
confused, and you're probablyangry. Like, was this all an emotional
fake out? No, no, no. It isnot an emotional fake out. Scream
Queens, the podcast wherehorror gets gay, is now officially

(02:02:31):
over. It has run its course.Long live the course Queen. And while
today marks the end of ScreamQueens, the podcast where horror
gets gay, it also marks thebeginning of the Scream Queens podcasting
network. One of the thingsabout Scream Queens, the podcast
that I have been wrestlingwith for years is, is the fact that

(02:02:53):
it's enormous. The amount oftime I put into the show is enormous.
But also everything else thatcomes with it is enormous is the
Fact that it was the firsthorror podcast made by and for the
gay community, that's a hugething. But also. But now it's not
just the first queer horrorpodcast, it's the longest running
queer horror podcast. And forthe past few years, every time I

(02:03:16):
sat down to record an episode,the same questions would keep nagging
at me. Patrick, are youcontinuing to do this show year after
year after year because youlove, love it or because you really
don't want to give up thattitle of being the longest running
podcast? Are you doing theshow because you love it or because

(02:03:37):
you don't know what to dowithout it? Because without it, you'll
have this huge empty void inyour life that you won't know how
to deal with. It's probably nosurprise to you, my wise listener,
that my answer to all three ofthose questions was yes, yes, yes,
Yes, I love doing ScreamQueens. It changed my life. Yes,
I don't know what I'd dowithout Scream Queen. It changed

(02:03:59):
my life. It's transformed whoI am, and I don't know who I am without
it. And yes, I'm a pettybitch. I want all the fucking titles
and accolades that I can get.I've earned them. And you can, you
can take my trophy for thelongest running queer horror podcast
out of my dead, gay,fabulously manicured hands. But it
turns out that was the easypart of the problem. What took me

(02:04:19):
a long time to accept was thatit was okay that all three of those
answers were yes. It took me areally long time to be able to say
yes. Scream Queens has notonly changed my life and redefined
my life, it's a part of me.It's like an organ. It's a living,
breathing part of who I am.And that's. And saying that isn't

(02:04:41):
a corny conceit. It's notesoteric woo woo bullshit, and it's
not ego driven either. It'sjust fact. And that's okay. Now you're
probably thinking, wow,Patrick, what an inspiring, empowering
conclusion to finally come to.That must have been so freeing and
shockingly. No, it wasn't.Because I realized, bear with me.
This will all make sense soon.I hope. Scream Queens is a part of

(02:05:02):
me. It's a living, breathingthing. However, living, breathing
things need to be able tochange and grow in order to survive.
But scream queens can't dothat. Because scream queens, by definition,
is bound to stay the samething forever. It's right there in
the show title. What's ScreamQueens? It's the podcast where horror
gets gay. That's all it cando. That's all it can be. With that

(02:05:25):
show, all I could do is makehorror gay. That's it. And that's
a great thing to do. It's keptme busy for 16 years now. But you
can't just turn it intosomething else, can you, Patrick?
No. Or can I? I realized I hadto think bigger. I had to think differently
on a different, different,different angle. I realized in order
to keep growing and changingand not becoming stagnant, I had

(02:05:48):
to think past the show. I hadto think about what drove the show,
the spirit behind the show.That and the. Not just the spirit,
but also not the Everythingthat came with it. All the baggage,
all the. All the. Okay, I'mnot doing this. I was doing this
properly, let's say just amessage. Imagine that I spent 16

(02:06:09):
years building this hugetheater in which I perform Scream
Queen as a show twice a monthfor you. And we got all the lavish
reviews and we got all theaccolades and all that stuff that
all went into this building.It was this whole huge space that
was created for this onething. I had to think, okay, what
else can I use? This spacethat I've created for this one show?

(02:06:30):
What else can I do with this?Using all these sets and props and
costumes that I've hosted andcollected over the years. What can
I do to keep moving forward,to keep growing, to keep changing,
but also still honoring thespirit that made me do Scream Queens
in the first place. And thelittle Doug Shapiro in my head just
started screaming, this is abranding statement. It's not a branding

(02:06:52):
statement, Doug. I don't knowwhat it is, but basically I realized
that it was this network tobecome a podcast network, creating
new shows of my own and alsonurturing other people's shows, giving
them a home. So that's whatI'm going to do. Scratch that. That's
what I'm doing now. This isnot going to be an instant process.
Not going to be. All of asudden I'm going to. Come October,

(02:07:13):
November, I'm going to havethis lavish grand opening. It's going
to be this huge, glisteningmonstrosity of a queer, hard network.
But these are the firstthings. And I have a go. I have.
And right now I've just mappedout a few series of baby steps getting
me to this new goal. The firstis, of course, getting damn you,
Uncle Lewis public by Octoberor November. Within the next, within

(02:07:36):
the next year, I would like itcame from the 70s to join them on
the network, off of Patreonand Public. I've had a great time
making horror movies gay foryou for 16 years. But I kind of want
to stop talking about movies.I want to talk about the people that
make make them. I've reallyenjoyed the couple of sit downs that
I've done with filmmakers likeBart Mastronardi and Alan o' Kelly

(02:07:56):
and Chris Moore. So ScreamQueens, where Hargitsuki is going
to be coming. Scream Queenscolon, behind the scenes. And the
fun thing is you won't have togo anywhere. You won't have to change
anything. You just stay rightwhere you are and these shows will
all be appearing on the feedwhere you already. You don't have
to go anywhere or subscribe toanything new. They'll all be coming
to this one place. And the funthing is too, that I realized and

(02:08:20):
the safety net under all ofthis is the fact that I have enough
classic episodes of ScreamQueens, this whole catalog, 16 years
worth of Scream Queensepisodes, that I could basically
syndicate myself forever. Ihad to pull 10 years worth of classic
Scream Queens episodes frompublic consumption a few years back
because of possible musiccopyright issues, potential music

(02:08:42):
copyright issues. When theselaws change. And so they've gone
unheard for a while, there'sno place to get them. But now I've
started re editing them. I'mtaking the music mistakes out and
so they'll have a place to be.So in the Scream Queens Podcasting
network, we will be honoringthe new, we will be encouraging the
new and also honoring the old.This has not been an easy decision.

(02:09:02):
It's not been a fun decision,but it's the right decision. And
I'm feeling good aboutleaving, leaving us here for now.
Because this isn't goodbye.It's a see you later. And there you
have it. That is my businessplan for the future of Scream Queen.
It's the Scream Queen PodcastNetwork. I hope that you're excited

(02:09:25):
for it because I don't know ifyou can tell how excited I was to
get that information out toyou that I have a plan for the future
of the show. Because, youknow, it's so important for me to
do that because as long as Iwas talking business, I would not
have to deal with how muchthis hurts or how scared I am right

(02:09:49):
now. The answer, it's a lot.And since I don't know what else
to do, it's time to wrap thispuppy up. So until next time, my

(02:10:12):
beautiful, beautifulscreamers, please continue to make
the world a more fabulouslycreepy place. And you do that by
following the Scream Queen'sgolden rule. Roll. Hey. Indulge in
old queen. Which one? Lasttime. Recite it with me. Fight or

(02:10:37):
flight. Survive the night.Make it to the final real. Stay safe,
my beauties. Stay healthy. Andmost of all, stay fabulous. Never
forget how much I love you.All of the music for tonight's show,

(02:11:03):
unless otherwise specified,has been written by Sam Haynes. You
can find all of his music@www.bandcamp.com.

(02:11:24):
Ew.
Oh, how do I love thee Just.Oh, wait, no. The. Oh, the. The final
one. Love has found away onthis, our wedding day. Arnold.
Arnold.
Arnold.
Arnold.
And in a moment now we'll takeour vow Arnold, darling, darling,

(02:11:46):
are you tender?
Way more than I do I just.
Know because it's so good.

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"Are the straights okay? - ARNOLD (1973)

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}"Are the straights okay? - ARNOLD (1973)