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October 14, 2025 14 mins

Don't Tell Comedy

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1,071,638 views May 10, 2023

Jackie Fabulous - Comedy is at its best when there's a surprise – that's why Don't Tell Comedy puts on events where the performers and location are kept secret until the day of the show. With over 200 cities already in on the joke, you never know where we'll set up shop, or who might pop in. Want to be let in on the secret? Visit our website below to find an upcoming show near you:

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
It's a lot going on. I have a lot of new things I'm
trying to get used to. I I got married six months ago,
and I'm hoping I had something to contribute now to girls who
are younger than me about how tofind your husband.
A lot of single girls out there that are miserable, and I want
to help change the world. How many of you are like living

(00:24):
here, but you were born in another city or state, like a
like a lot of you, right. Yeah.
You know how you you can find your husband?
Just go home. He's home waiting on you, OK?
I lived in LA for 20 years. I moved back to the Bronx, NY,
where I'm from. And my husband, he's in the
Bronx. He was there.
And when I came back home, he's like, are you done with your

(00:45):
little Hollywood dreams? You're back, bitch.
I knew I'd get you. So he's waiting on you.
Just go back. I'm telling you, he's there.
He ain't change at all, you know, same dude.
Trust me, you know, and I like it.
I enjoy it, you know. But I will say this.
I got a guy, he's in shape and I'm a shape and he, I got a hot

(01:08):
dude with muscles and he wants us to be, you know, matching
track suits and jogging every morning in gym life.
And I would rather die because I'm sparing him.
He don't know when I lose any amount of weight, I'll become an
asshole. I look in the mirror, I see
Halle Berry. I'm an actor.
That's where I can confidence run, right?
I joined Weight Watchers two years ago and lost like 80 lbs
on Weight Watchers, right? I gained it back.

(01:29):
Put those hands down. I gained it back.
That's not the point of the story.
The point is when I first joined, I was down 3 lbs right
away. But the problem is I thought I
was Jlo, you know how you lose weight, fat?
I'm like, Oh my God, you can barely say, hey, I'm wasting
away. I look exactly the same.
And I was dating a fat guy. Appetizer doesn't matter.
But I was dating a fatty. I said, look, I'm down to

(01:49):
pounds. I can't be seen with a fat guy.
He's like, what said I can't be with a fat that you're huge.
You really see me? I can't be with a fat guy.
He's like, yeah, I'm a fat guy, but I have a big Dick and I pay
for everything. What else do you need?
Nothing. My bad.
Sorry. Love you.
You know, I talk crazy when I'm hungry.
Hey, he's tripping when I'm hungry.

(02:16):
So here's where I am with my marriage.
It's going great. A lot of sex.
Thank you. God, but if I were to keep it
real, my in shape husband, he's killing me.
The sexist. I'm I'm pretty sure I have a
hernia. Oh, I slipped this at least
asthma. I used to live in LA.
When you go from no fucking to all the fucking, your body kind
of you kind of die a little bit every day before you get used to

(02:37):
it. And if I were to keep it real,
my husband, he's he's fucking me.
I'm not doing anything. I'm just taking it.
And I'm very happy to be there. I have pom poms.
I wrote a song, I made snacks. I'm very happy to be there, but
he's fucking the lifeout of me and I feel guilty.
This is how your athlete husbandhas a heart attack.
I don't want him to die because when men in that shape, when

(02:58):
they make loves you, they're trying to impress you is ego.
You don't ask for it. I'm like, you know what?
I gotta fuck my husband. Back in the day, you know I
could get up there and be up there for a minute, so I did.
I fucked my husband. He had a great time.
I have been in pain for two weeks.
I have been talking shit about how long men last in the bedroom
for years. I apologize.
Any man who will longer than 5 minutes are a fucking stallion.

(03:20):
You guys pump and pump with the goal of completion.
You want somebody to finish, I'mon top trying to pump and get
him there. I'm exhausted.
I needed a granola bar, a Red Bull, 5 minute break.
I'm looking for excuses while I'm bucking him to take a break
in the middle of it. I'm like, you don't hear that
noise downstairs, you don't wantto go check.

(03:44):
You not hot, it's hot. You don't feel hot.
I smell smoke, I don't feel safe.
Take a break, it's not worth dying for.
Go check. You like that?

(04:26):
Let's try this. How about this?
Be like that. Let's try that.
How about this? I'm like, I would like to stand
upright. What the hell are you doing down
there? I want to see my family again.
I want to eat. Check my e-mail.
What day is it? It's dark outside.
I blacked out twice. You don't feel that rich.
And it's dry. It's starting a fire.
I want to call my mommy. This is kidnapping and I want to
go home. Now I want to give advice, OK,

(04:55):
advice when I was in Lai was a happy single girl, right and I I
wasn't dying for a husband When you get when I forgot you when
you get a boyfriend, you're adopting a son.
You forget that, right? All men are projects, right?
I had to buy my husband everything he needs to function
as an adult male. I want to give men here advice,
real advice on how to get a wife.
OK, if you don't have a nice fridge, you have to have ice

(05:17):
trays. You can't just freeze a fucking
bowl of water and then when it'stime for a cocktail, go get a
ice pick and a hammer. And why do you have an ice pick?
Also, he didn't have any garbage.
Can you put the garbage in your plastic bags and hides it on
door knobs around the house? What is the trash can?
Like $3? The amount of water that you men
leave on the bathroom counter. What the fuck is happening in

(05:38):
the bathroom? Are you raising koi fish in
there? Then you got then you got the
hair in the same guessing game Igot to play.
Is that beard hair or ball hair?I don't know texture and it's
always there. And were you were you
masturbating by the microwave? Why is the lotion in the
kitchen? I don't understand why men don't
push it back where they got it. Trying to get used to how much

(06:04):
food men eat daily is my biggesteducation.
Were most of you born with a parasite in your soul?
Were you? Were you in the NFLI?
Didn't see the game? Grocery shopping day is not eat
all the goddamn groceries day. You know that nobody eats 4
bagels in a day. You're not training with the
Olympics. Let me give you a visual, single
lady as you make your lasagna for yourself.

(06:25):
You come home after work, you have a square with a glass of
wine. If you feel fat and sad, you
have two squares. The whole bottle.
We're the same. How long have that lasagna last
you? How long?
Six months exactly? I made I made that lasagna and
put it in front of him. He went to get a fork and a
napkin. You selfish bastard.
That's not yours. I made a picture of lemonade.
He went to get a straw. *** you're dehydrated.

(06:47):
That's for the room. I can't afford to be with this
guy. Sex is different, too. 51
because I'm. I'm 51 years old and I haven't
mentioned that I'm happy and I'malso a divorce.
Clearly. That's why I'm up here and
things are different. I didn't live with the first guy
and here's what sex is like now.51, second husband.

(07:10):
For me to even consider being horny, all the elements got to
be perfect. All the stars got to align.
For me to be horny, I can't be hot, I can't be cold, I can't be
hungry, I can't be full. Who fucks from that fold?
Nobody. Nobody doesn't win anything.
I want the room dark. But are you hiding blood stain?

(07:30):
They can't see shit. You're a black.
I'm black. I'm in a night light.
A lamp, be able to see an escaperoute.
It's dark. I want the room quiet, but not
serial killer quiet. You ain't got no plumbing.
I don't hear your fridge make noise.
Even getting no text. I don't hear no birds.
And don't suggest that we have sex when you know it's about to
rain. We're both 51.
We have one good knee between us.

(07:51):
You know we can't when it's about to rain.
Ready a lot of women are taught to you know, make a list and
you're looking for a guy. I remember that list thing and I
had 1101585 things. Now 51 years old three you have

(08:16):
three things you can die together older you get that list
get shorter and shorter. All of you here are younger than
me. I want to compare my old dash
list and requirements for a young list.
What's your list? One thing on your list you look
for in a guy. One word.
I have a lot of words. Who hurt you?
OK, Take it easy. Money.
You want him to have money? Nice and shallow.
OK. Second word.
Second word. Oh, now you want him to look

(08:38):
good? OK, Handsome Money.
So she wants you rich and ugly. You're in.
OK, Third word. Funny.
OK. Overrated.
What are yours? Real quick.
Yours. 3 words. Emotional intelligence.
Bitch. Are you single?
All right, That was a lot. Here are my 3.
You're gorgeous. You shouldn't be, but you got to

(09:00):
cut down on the answer. That was a lot.
All right, here's here's my three.
Number one on my list. Non negotiable.
Big bit. You're all thinking it.
You're looking at me. But a lot of you can't say
nothing because your man's sitting right there.
I know. You ever lay next to a man who
had a small one and thought to yourself, yeah, that's not gonna
workout. You're not mean to him either.
Stop returning checks for all. You've all been there.

(09:21):
OK. For me to love you, he cannot
have, He must not have #2 sleep apnea or snore.
I don't want to hear shit. Not a goddamn thing.
Nothing. You ever laid next to a man who
dies four times before the sun comes up?
You're a laid next to a man withdemons in the chest with a Game
of Thrones fighting. This God is horrible.
I don't care how hot he is, if you can't sleep, you'll wish him

(09:42):
there. Trust me.
And it's not an old guy, a fat guy.
He's Remember, you want pride, you don't want to wear the CPAP
and you don't get it. We will gladly fuck Darth Vader.
Put that shit on. Turn the noise.
My last requirement to love you.He has to have.
He must have dead parents, dead grandparents, dead family, whole
family dead in the fire, whole family on the Titanic.

(10:05):
No survivors. There is no bigger pain in the
ass than a man's family. Fuck your family, all of you.
Every now and then I tell that joke and he can't be considered
offensive. But the women who don't laugh,
they still look at me and eyeballs always say, but she
right though, she right. I hate that bitch.
No one. Every now and then you'll meet a

(10:26):
mom, you know, a guy, a cute guyraised by a single mom.
That's her husband. She got to die if you didn't get
a ring out of him. And when I said gone, mommy got
to be gone. She can't be in California.
She can't be in Chicago, and shecan't be overseas.
She can only be with Jesus. Some advice for the men.

(10:49):
If you know that a blowjob is not the way you get to the final
frontier, can you please tell a bitch we're suffocating now
they're trying to get you somewhere and you ain't nowhere
close. You don't see that vein and I
forehead about the pop when she began, when she began a blowjob,
she had straight hair. Now she got a curly ass right?
Let her know you wasting money on a blowout.
You know what I mean? Cause man will see you down

(11:11):
there doing it wrong damn near drawing blood.
Don't be like look at her girl. They won't say anything.
They know if they stop you, you'll stop doing it forever,
right? But women, if our guys down
there and he ain't doing it right, we'll tap that ball spot
like, hey, come up here, we don't know what you're doing.
Look at the quarters. There's no change down there.

(11:33):
The fat jokes that make her a defense mechanism.
All that would have to do to me and my husband is just workout
with him. But I would rather have a glass
of urine than workout. I'd rather have a glass of urine
with hair in it than workout. I hate exercise.
Yeah, I've done every weight loss plan.
I tried juicing. Anybody here?
California. I did that.
You know, I tried my first juiceever.

(11:54):
I juice kale and cucumber and spinach and celery, and I would
rather have diabetes. It's the nastiest I've ever had
but for dudes I want you guys toknow stop asking questions.
We only need for you to do a feedback questionnaire during
sex. If inside of her consensually
you want we'll talk tomorrow. I don't want to talk to you

(12:16):
during the ACT. Me and this guy making love pre
marriage. He has three questions.
He's already in me. First question was who fucks you
like I do Derek, Mark, James Ross.
Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.
Next question. Whose pussy is this?
Did you forget where you find it?

(12:36):
It's mine. It belongs to me.
You know why it's mine. We saw a movie.
It went to Applebee's. You didn't do anything, Sir.
Relax. OK, Last question.
Am I the best Dick you've ever had?
That's the wrong time for a survey.
You don't want to hear the answer.
I don't want to see you cry. I don't want to cry.
Shut up. But we'll talk tomorrow.
Here's the lesson, gentlemen. If you're a good man and you
make good money and you have a good job and you take care of

(12:59):
your kids and you take care of your mom and you love God and
you respect women too, then guess what?
You're not the best thing she's ever had 'cause most ladies will
agree. When I say most, I mean all.
Every race, every age, a female agreed the best thing we ever
had. Don't have a driver's license or
a credit card or a debit card ora bank account or a car, or a

(13:22):
full time job or a full size mattress or furniture or food in
the fridge. He thinks marijuana, the food
group. He can't leave the state.
You know why? He has warrants.
He can leave America. He ain't got no passport.
You want a man with a college degree?
You're adorable. He didn't fit in high school.
Fuck school. He's unmarriable, but he's
always available is what lady isthe best Dick we ever had.

(13:42):
And every now and then when I tell that story, it does get
quiet in the room sometimes. But women are like, she's a
wizard, how does she know? But couples and female listen to
me every time. Like bitch, he's my ride.
Mighty goddamn business. Anyway, I'm Jackie Fabulous.
Thanks guys.
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