80 | It's Time to Do The Work Now (with Ally) - See You On The Other Side

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
is this the start of something beautiful?
I think so.
Okay, I love that okay welcomeback, ali.

Speaker 3 (00:06):
Oh hi, the intro oh my god, wait, is that?
I'm gonna?
I'm gonna have to figure outwhere to edit that out that
needs to be edited out.

Speaker 1 (00:15):
I can do that.
I'm just gonna be in thebackground the whole time just
wheezing this entire interviewI'll cut that out oh, oh, thank
you.
Okay, so Allie was um one ofour trip reports in season two
and, for those who have notlistened, I I think Leah and I

(00:36):
pretty much peed ourselves theentire interview.
I also cried.
Well, yes, you did make us cry.
I'm so good at that.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
I mean I made up for it.
I mean you did make us cry, I'mso good at that.
I mean you made up for it.
I mean I make my mom cry allthe time Doesn't take much for
me.

Speaker 1 (00:51):
No, it really doesn't , but we are excited to have you
back on season three.
I thought you were just soentertaining and you just make
me laugh, but also you have alot of depth to you as well.

Speaker 3 (01:13):
You're a really great storyteller.
You are a very greatstoryteller and I don't want to
say entertainer, because it'snot like you're here to
entertain us, but like you makesomething, so like boring into
something really fun andinteresting.
Well, I'm a generator.
I don't know if that hasanything to do with it.
Energy, I think it does, maybe,okay.

Speaker 1 (01:37):
Even when she is talking about deep, dark, heavy
stuff, the trauma that you'vebeen through, like you have a
way of like putting this littlefunny bow on it where it's.
Even through the dark, heavyshit it's like easy to palette
yeah, you still find the comedy,you still find the like.

Speaker 3 (01:56):
That's a way to live.

Speaker 1 (01:58):
It is a way to live.

Speaker 2 (01:59):
It really is.
It makes things yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:02):
It's a gift.

Speaker 2 (02:03):
It's sometimes the only way I can get through it.

Speaker 3 (02:05):
Okay, would you say that humor is your coping.
Yes, I don't know, though,because I feel like it's like
that is something that that isjust who you are.

Speaker 1 (02:16):
Oh, for sure it's very.
Oh, she's always been.

Speaker 2 (02:20):
I mean I have clown blood in me.

Speaker 3 (02:23):
I don't.

Speaker 2 (02:26):
DNA.
My family came from the circus.
I am just a funky little dude.

Speaker 3 (02:29):
I can't well, and before you, before we started, I
said I wanted to go intosomething you were like that's
perfect, because that's the kindof one I wanted to talk about.
And I really want to go into,like, where you are now versus
where you were when you had yourvery first mushroom journey,
which was when?
Was the date?
October 2022.

Speaker 2 (02:50):
Okay, so 18 months ago.

Speaker 3 (02:53):
Year and a half.
You've had another one recentlyand we'll get into that one,
but from your first one, whendid we interview her?
Like six months after, maybe, Ithink.
What has happened since then?
What has life looked like sincethen?
Where are you now?
Where?

Speaker 2 (03:13):
are they now?
So I okay, let's see.
So I think right after Iinterviewed with you guys, I
rode that high on that firsttrip for a long time what's a
long time?
Like months?
I mean I was still riding itwhen I interviewed with you guys
and then I microdosed.

(03:33):
I think it was right about afterthat that I started microdosing
and like my first round ofmicrodosing I was doing I think
12 weeks on and four weeks off,or eight weeks on, four weeks
off, something like that, and Iwas just doing it every Monday,
wednesday, friday.
That worked best for me.
And again that first round, itwas like still, I'd come to work
and people are like, oh, my God, you're so fun to be around.

(03:54):
They could even tell when I'dcome to work on Friday versus
coming to work on Thursday.
That I was a little bitdifferent.
Again, just like riding thathigh feeling.
It was like this is the goodlife.
And then I took my break, myfour-week break, and when I went
for round two it was likenothing happened, like I wasn't
feeling the same.
I mean, I was fine in the sensethat I wasn't like hadn't

(04:14):
fallen back into deep depression, but it just was like, okay,
things are back to normal, whichI think is when all of a sudden
it hit and it was like it'swork time, babe, like it's work
time, like you?
gotta stop riding that high yes,like you you did, because I was
kind of like falling back on it, like on, you know it's giving
me a boost and it's you know mylife is great.

(04:35):
It's great and then, yeah, Igot back to all of a sudden it
was like no, like it's not gonnabe, it's not like a one-time
hit and it just works forforever.
Like it's time to do some hardstuff.

Speaker 1 (04:47):
I'm glad you're saying this because we talk a
lot about integration, because Ithink that there can be a lot
of confusion around that wordand what that means.
And there are a lot of peoplewho ride that high.
They have that high for a while, they have this really
wonderful journey or reallyprofound healing journey, and

(05:08):
then they just they think thatthat's it and it's harder if
there's not, if it's not like adark journey, if it's like all
like you feel good, they're like.

Speaker 3 (05:19):
how do you integrate that?

Speaker 2 (05:22):
Yeah, yeah, I literally.
I don't know if we had.

Speaker 3 (05:24):
I can't remember if I said this on the last podcast,
but I, like I did my journey.

Speaker 2 (05:29):
We did my first journey on a Saturday and I
remember I had explained abouthow my big thing was clarity
about whether I should get adivorce and you know, my life
was going to change.
I did that journey on Saturdayand on Sunday was when my ex has
been walked in my room and saidI think it's time for divorce.
So I mean it was like, oh, thisis integration.
Like it happened like that, andI was like everything that I
was looking for happened 24hours later and so it was kind

(05:54):
of like, yeah, it was so greatand what I wanted happened, and
then you didn't even have to doanything do anything.
And I turned into this like,except for that first round of
microdosing, all of a sudden Iwas like what is?
What is it literally?
What am I supposed to do?
Like, what is integration?

Speaker 3 (06:12):
what were you saying about?

Speaker 1 (06:14):
what were you saying I'm sorry, I'm really sorry,
you're okay, you're okay, um, Idon't remember what I was saying
, but I think a good maybelesson in this is integration
never really stops, no, evenwhen.
Okay, so you did get thedivorce and you did that, but
it's like there's always stillwork to do, there's always still

(06:36):
healing to do, and not sayingthat healing has to be always
heavy and hard and dark, buthealing can also be light and
laughter and fun and all of that, but like it never ends.

Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah, and healing for me was honestly just a lot of
letting go of these like thishad for myself that it just and
I think I had told you too how,when I feel the need to work on

(07:10):
things, like because I'm veryself-aware, like when I go into
therapy, I'm like I tell mytherapist, I'm like this is
what's wrong with me and this iswhere it comes from and this is
what I need to do.
And she's like okay, why areyou paying?
Carol ann?
Yeah, it's carol ann, I lovecarol ann, I love carolyn.
And so she's like okay, but areyou doing it?
And that's the problem.
I sit here and I can analyzeeverything and she's like you

(07:31):
intellectualize everything yes,are you doing it, alissa?
and I'm like I mean I'll get toit, like maybe, eventually,
eventually.
And so I just had all theserules for myself and this, I
can't do this and I can't dothis.
And so it it turned into this.
Okay, I like I need tointegrate, I need to do the work
, I need to, you know, get thisfigured out.

(07:53):
And I went into like a hole.
I don't mean like a bad hole, Imean like a like nobody touched
me.
I'm like having enrichment timein my enclosure, like this is.

Speaker 3 (08:04):
I love that TikTok.

Speaker 2 (08:05):
Nobody mess with me.
I didn't go out, I didn't.
I mean I barely talked on thephone.
I mean I don't even think,Christina, I don't think we
hardly texted.
I mean I was not.
I mean, every like month my momwas like is your phone turned
off?
Are you really busy?
You don't talk to anybody.
I mean I wasn't hardly talkingto my sister, I went full hermit

(08:27):
mode and then it turned intothis kind of shell of protection
where then I started gettinglike oh, I've been.
I mean I was literally just inmy house, Like every day that I
wasn't at work I was just in myhouse.
And then it turned into likeit's so comfortable and it's so
nice and like now I don't wantto go back out, and like it's
safe and I don't want people tomess up the safe, Like I'm

(08:50):
working on it, Cause, you know,my sister and I are very um, I
do that cracking my knuckles Um,we're very open and honest with
each other and we are verythere's no holds barred with us.
Like, we tell it like it is.
And she, you know, I'd saysomething like oh, I can't do
that.
And she was like, yes, you can.
I was like bitch, no, I can'tand I would sit there.

(09:11):
I can't go out, I can just goout to a bar with your friend,
like no intention of going homewith a guy or no intention, just
do.

Speaker 1 (09:30):
And I was like no, no , the bubble says no, I'm
working on myself still well,and to add to that, so for for
those who have not listened toher, the episode about her first
journey.
You got married, married veryyoung.
Yeah, you went to a Christiancollege where you weren't able
to like associate with theopposite sex off campus, like

(09:50):
there were very, very, verystrict rules.
So the religious trauma that inyou is very strong.
Yes, and this is the.
You're 34 years old.
This is the first time in yourlife you've ever really been
single, had the opportunity todate.
So been allowed, just beenallowed to be so right, right.

(10:13):
So that that's a big likehurdle to overcome and dating is
hard.
Dating now is so hard.

Speaker 3 (10:22):
I could not even imagine.

Speaker 1 (10:24):
Dating post-divorce.
Speaking from experience, it'sincredibly hard to put yourself
out there because it's it's.
It's different than when you'redating somebody in high school
or you're dating somebody incollege, and they're just there
and you're drinking and whatever, where it's like you're
actually like dating and havingactively conversation, like it's

(10:45):
.
It's just a weird andeverything's on the internet and
Tinder and hinge and all thethings it's.
It's a whole different, fuckingball game.

Speaker 2 (10:54):
I mean, and it was so nuanced for me to like, even to
the point where I was like,okay, the last time I had to
actively get a person to like me, like with the intention of
dating, I was 22, right.
So I'm thinner and I have, youknow, better skin and my hair is
longer and I'm this and I'mthis and all these things, and
I'm like it was easy at 22.

(11:15):
You know, you walk into aDenny's and raise your hand and
there's a line of 15 peopleready to go, like Denny's is so
random what the fuck.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
Like there's, no, there's no, there's no trying,
you go out, you get numbers, youget, there's nothing you don't
have to do and you just it'slike oh, you go out, I go out
too oh you're in college, me too.
What's your major?

Speaker 3 (11:36):
right like there's not depth really at that age
like a guy would come up to thebar and be like, oh, you're
having a drink me, me too, yeah.

Speaker 1 (11:44):
That was it, and now?

Speaker 2 (11:45):
I'm like, okay, now I'm 34.
What's your trauma?
And?
I had to like it was like Ican't.
I couldn't put in my headtogether that someone could like
me as I am now.
Like cause even you know myex-husband I thought, well, he
started liking me when I was 22and it just grew and so he
didn't recognize.
You know what I mean.

(12:05):
I felt this sense of like.
You know, he didn't notice thatI'd gained weight and he didn't
notice that I looked a littledifferent, because we had both
grown for 11 years together andso I still looked very similar.
But just coming out of the gatelike this, I just was, I mean,
convinced that I was going towalk into a bar and they're
going to be like get out, youcan't come in here, you monster,

(12:26):
you gay.

Speaker 1 (12:28):
You ornate Loving monster.

Speaker 2 (12:30):
Yes, you went to Blockbuster how old are you Get
out of here?
I just, I mean had absolutely,I mean morphed into my brain
Like there's no way someonecould like 34 year old Alyssa
brain, like there's no waysomeone could like 34 year old
Alyssa.
And so it was like I had wasintegrating all these things
with getting over trauma from,you know, marriage, from divorce

(12:51):
, and then of course there wasthe mother wound that I did
finally, um, that actually gotkind of resolved, um, and so I
finally come over all thesethings and then like there's a
whole new set of problems andI'm like, I'm tired.

(13:14):
I worked on this, I worked onthis for a long time and now I
got new things and I mean, andit got to the point, you know, I
even Carol Ann, my therapist,all last year, every therapy
session I'm doing EMDR Everytherapy session was mainly about
my mother.
It was either about religioustrauma or my mother, and you
know how all that kind of shapedmy life.
It was literally in December ofthis last year where it just
dawned on me, where I was likeyou know what I'm not going to

(13:36):
get from her, the relationshipthat I need it's, it's just not
going to happen, but she's notgoing to get the daughter that
she wants.
You know she wants me to go tochurch and she wants me to you
know, whatever get married againand all this nonsense.
So neither one of us are goingto be what the other one needs.
So that's fine.
I've accepted it and now it'skind of just.

(13:58):
Ever since I stopped trying toperform for her, she's a little
bit easier to talk to.
We still I mean, we don't talkevery day, we're not like best
friends, but we still talk everynow and again.
It's easier going home and Ijust fully released that, like
I'm not going to get the motherthat I think I need.

(14:19):
You see, and accept her for kindof where she's at, for where
she's at, and I know I thinkI've said this before, but she
did the best with what she wasgiven and I have just realized
that it's not how she thinksabout me and what she wants from
me is really not my business.
Like I am who I am, she canwant what she wants, but that's
it.
And so I really kind of healedI mean that was like in December

(14:42):
on one of my last sessions inDecember and she ended up, her
and my dad ended up coming uplike a week or so after
Christmas for literally one daywe like just went to dinner and
walked around downtown and thenthey left and it was like the
best four hours I've had inforever.
Like we had conversation and wetalked and I was like, oh, all
I had to do was let go.

(15:02):
Oh, my God, god.

Speaker 3 (15:04):
I just had to like, let go.
You're saying it like it's sofucking easy, but I get it,
because it took me 12 years toget to that with my mom and just
be like I just need to stopexpecting her to show up for me
the way that I would like her to, because she's not capable of

(15:24):
that and I may never get thatand I'm okay with it.

Speaker 2 (15:30):
Yes, that was that level of acceptance.

Speaker 3 (15:33):
It's wild, it was, and I also feel like and correct
me if I'm wrong but like,energetically, without me even
saying a word about it.
I feel like she gets that, likeshe understands that there is
this.
Yes, like it's.
It's hard to explain, but I'mlike she doesn't do the things
to me that she used to, shedoesn't push the way that she

(15:55):
used to, she doesn't seem asjudgmental as she used to, and
maybe it's all in my fuckinghead, but I swear to God,
there's this like energeticexchange between us.
Now that's reciprocated.
Yes, because it's the samething.
I don't.
I think she's okay with who I amand and if she's not, she's
doing a really fucking good jobof hiding it, because she never

(16:17):
would have been able to hide itbefore yeah, it feels less like
I get cause this is what how Idescribe it.

Speaker 2 (16:24):
I used to get this all the time.
That's what I get all the timewhen I talk about things, or I
just get this big sigh and Ihaven't gotten one of those in a
while, and so I do.
I agree with you.
It feels like I think she'spicked up on what you're putting
out, yeah, what I'm laying down, that I that she's really not
going to change me, that I justthat this is who I am now.

(16:47):
And then I am confident in itbecause even when I you know, I
just went back a weekend or soago and I get the you just look
so good because this is.
She says this a lot to me nowand I know that she can't fix,
she can't figure out what itmeans.
But she'll say your skin is soclear, your hair is growing so
long and healthy, and I'm like,I know because I'm healing on

(17:09):
the inside.
That's why like I, because Igot divorced and because I'm
happy doing the work.
Yes, you're doing the work mybody is not like you're glowing
yes, it's not eating itself fromthe inside out.
Like I move better, I feelbetter.
My hair is not like you'reglowing yes, it's not eating
itself from the inside out.
Like I move better, I feelbetter.
My hair is growing, like allthese things, and I don't think

(17:30):
she can equate that, but I thinkshe's getting there.
She's at least acknowledginglike you're different and I'm
like yes, thank you.

Speaker 3 (17:38):
It reminds me of the first time you and I met after
mushrooms and you were likesomething's different.
You're different, yeah, andit's like something's different.
You're different, yeah, andit's like it's.
It's just an energy that you'relike putting out.

Speaker 2 (17:50):
I mean, that was why I contacted her in the first
place.
You know, we hadn't talked inhowever long and then, all of a
sudden, I kept seeing her onInstagram and I was like you're
different.
What is that bitch doing?
Cause there's something.
You, glowy bitch, got somethingand I want it.

Speaker 3 (18:05):
What are you?
What are you?

Speaker 2 (18:06):
doing yes and I just it.
It just that was in decemberand it was like, oh, it's just
such a big breath of fresh,fresh air that I could just kind
of put that on the back burnerand not have to put all my
energy into it.
So then I go back to therapy injanuary and is like, okay, so
time to uh start talking aboutsex and intimacy.

(18:27):
I was like man, fuck you.

Speaker 3 (18:30):
I just let me sit in this wind.

Speaker 2 (18:34):
And it was like I just spent a year, a year
battling this and then all Icould think about was what if
this doesn't take me a year toovercome?
What if this takes me longer?
What if I am sitting here intwo years of therapy and EMDR
and I'm still talking about?
I mean, I had a full fledgedpanic attack in the office, just
talking about sex.
Just talking about it.
She brought it up and I was.

(18:55):
She was like I think that's,we're going to stop right there.
Oh yeah, you did tell me that.
I mean it wasn't just like a Idon't really know if I can I
mean it was a fear, like anactual fear of the thought of
someone touching me or seeing me.
I mean, I was frozen.
I am in shock, right now.

Speaker 3 (19:17):
After the conversation After the
conversation we had earlier.
I know, I know, I am in shock,I know.

Speaker 1 (19:22):
I also want to apologize For what.
I know.
I am in shock, I know.
I also want to apologizebecause I feel like there have
been times where I unknowinglyput pressure on you because I
think you and I have just suchthis great banter back and forth
.
I love it.
I love it too, but when it comesto like dating, I've been like

(19:44):
go out, just put yourself outthere just put yourself out
there, go on a date, like youknow, hook up with somebody if
you want to, if that's whatfeels right for you.
Where you really weren't readyand it took time and I didn't
necessarily realize that so, butI didn't use my words so yes,

(20:05):
but I apologize.
You don't have to apologize Ilove you.

Speaker 2 (20:08):
You're forgiven anyway oh my god, I love what
just happened.
It was so.
I just had this conversationlast night.
This is the weird thing is thatI don't like being told what to
do.
That's my biggest thing.
Don't tell me what to do, so.
But then there's it's morphedwith this if I don't get
somebody to push me sometimes,I'll never do anything, right,
right.
And so there's such this fineline of like I need people to

(20:31):
push me, but don't tell me whatto do.
How fucking confusing is that.

Speaker 1 (20:34):
No, I 100 you guys are very alike in the sense
because when you guys get intodark places, you guys isolate.
Oh, like yeah bad and for likea long time.
Yes, yeah, yeah well.

Speaker 2 (20:46):
So that's where I was kind of riding this line of
like and I knew and this isn't,you know, to say anything
against you.
I knew people had goodintentions with it, but I was
getting it from work too oh, I'msure.

Speaker 3 (20:56):
So yeah, your sister, and so you date my mom.

Speaker 2 (20:59):
You think you'll ever get married again.
So are you dating?
Is there anybody out there?
Pressure, yeah, and it was likenot that people were like, hey,
I have a blind date for you orhey, you need to, whatever, but
it just, it was very casual, butI was.
So something inside of me waslike quit fucking asking me,
like I'm just, I couldn't and Icouldn't put my finger on.

(21:20):
This is the other problem thatI have is, a lot of times I
can't like people, like how areyou feeling?
Like I don't like.
People are like how are youfeeling?
Like I don't know, and they'relike no, how do you?
I'm like, no, I really I don'tknow, like I can't.
I have a hard time like lockingdown what my feelings are and I
couldn't, I couldn't pinpointwhat it was that had me so
scared, whether it was justphysical intimacy, whether it
was vulnerability, whether itwas like just being perceived,

(21:41):
whether there was a sense ofguilt, probably it was all of it
it was.
It was this whole mixture oflike I felt even though you know
we're getting divorced, wehadn't signed the papers yet but
like we're getting divorced andit was like a couple months ago
and I thought I can't go on adate until the papers are signed
Like there was some sense ofbetrayal with Mac's husband,
even though he's like man, getout there, I mean, he's you know

(22:03):
cause he's giving youpermission to yeah.
Cause I give him permission.
I was like, yeah, go dowhatever you want to do, get
after it, boy.
And he's like, yeah, you do thesame.
And I'm like, no, no, that onlystands for you, that's not for
me, like there's a sense of Ican't betray him I.
And it was just this wholemixture and then, like I said,
it just sometimes it just has tobreak, it just has to come from

(22:27):
me.

Speaker 1 (22:29):
Well, and you texted me and you said something about
like OK, stephen, is like legitdating, so like I, your ex, yes,
yeah, yeah, her ex-husband.

Speaker 2 (22:52):
So she's like I, ok, I think I'm like ready to to do
something about this.
Yeah, yeah, her ex husband.
So she's like I, okay, I thinkI'm like ready to to do
something about this.
Yeah, because when he told methat and you know, he told me
with full intention of beingrespectful, absolutely yeah,
cause we, you know, and he hadpromised me that for it, like he
said, I'll tell you out ofrespect, cause I don't want you
to get blindsided by something.
I would never want you to likesomebody be like hey, did you
see him blindsided by something?
I would never want you to likesomebody be like hey, did you
see him he's with?
And I, he was like I will tellyou out of respect for you,
which I fully appreciate.
So he calls me and he tells meone night and I thought because
I knew that it was going tohappen one day, yeah, and I was

(23:14):
expecting this like to hang upthe phone and just have this,
you know, go into my hole forthe next three days, isolate, be
so upset, and it was like theoverwhelming joy that I felt for
him, like, oh, my god, I was sohappy, I was so happy for him

(23:34):
because he, for the longest timewould say I'll never be with
anybody else.
I'll never be with anybody elseand I was like I hate that.
Like he's such a good guy and hewants to be a dad and that
wasn't something I could givehim.
And I was like, go out thereand find some hot mom with some
kids, oh my God, like you'd besuch a good father.
And so for him to say I'm goingon a date, I, oh my God, I'm so

(23:58):
happy.
And it was like I'm so happy Ican have that too.
Like I cause.
Then all of a sudden it hit me,he's not going to be mad at me.
Like if I were to turn aroundand call him and say, hey, I
have a date.
He's not going to be.
Like, are you serious?
He's going to feel the same.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
Be happy for you Be happy for me, and it was.
I really loved the love thatyou guys still have for each
other I was just gonna say thatlike they met at such a young
age and like they both have.
You guys are like divorce goals.
You kind of are, you guysshould have kind of had a kid.
You guys probably would havebeen great co-parents.

(24:36):
I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2 (24:37):
They're shit out of that.
Kid like this is literally likelook how much love you're
getting.

Speaker 3 (24:45):
This is such a good example of like a divorce and
still remaining friends andrespectful of each other.
And I don't even know the guy,but I'm like he sounds like such
a good guy and it's even.
It's OK that you guys weren'tright for each other Once upon a
time.
Maybe you were, yeah, and Iknow that like it's different,

(25:07):
but like I don't know, there wasprobably some lessons in that
that.

Speaker 1 (25:10):
Yeah and like, but I didn't see it at the time.
Lessons too Like I think he sawthe lessons when you guys
separated the things that heneeded to work on and this is
their thing.

Speaker 2 (25:23):
That you know it's a lot of like, well, you know,
cause some people that know meand don't know him are like you
know, well, you deserve this andyou deserve someone who does
this.
And you blah, blah and I can't.
I think it was maybe my sister,I can't remember and I said he
deserves that too, because,let's be real, I wasn't some
like shining Stepford wife forhim.
Yeah, he deserves what's betterfor him too.

(25:45):
He deserves someone who's goingto give him the things that I
couldn't or didn't and that's he.
He needs that.
I don't want him to be, you know, withheld from the love that is
right for him.
Well, I'm sitting over heregoing oh, it was a piece of shit
on my end, but I need to getback Like he needs it too.
And I think he's seen that likein such a like because we've

(26:07):
said before, you know he, at thevery beginning is he'd said
something like well, I'm sorrythat it failed, and I was like
11 years of marriage is notfailure to me, wow, like this is
.
I don't see it as a failure.
I see it as 11 years that wegot to spend together, learning
about each other, learning whatwe like and what we don't like,
and it just sometimes thingsjust go separate ways.

(26:28):
You just they just do and like,especially growing up in the
religious, you know communityright like divorce is bad.
Divorce is bad, no matter what,no matter what happens right,
you stay yes, it was, and Ithink I might have talked about
this in the last podcast too.
Is that for a long time Ithought to myself I'm going to

(26:48):
say this and you're probablygoing to cry, and I've told my
therapist this too.
Try not to.
I wish he would have, for whenpeople would say you know, I'd
say I'm getting a divorce andthey would say what happened?
What happened?
What happened?
I almost wish he would havejust abused me so I could have
had an excuse, because Icouldn't fathom, like I couldn't

(27:11):
admit, that we're gettingdivorced and he's a great guy.
What's best for me?
Holy fuck.
Like no, I understand exactlywhat you're saying.
I needed there to be something.

Speaker 1 (27:24):
We were just talking about this not in a relationship
standpoint about how Leah and Iboth struggle with people
pleasing and we struggle withletting people down, and we feel
like we need to.
I literally just did it.
I feel like I need to have anexcuse to say no to that person.
Yes, I feel like this is morecommon an excuse to say no to

(27:44):
that person.

Speaker 3 (27:45):
Yes, I feel like this is more common than it isn't.
Yes, it's even with myhairdresser like she wants to
cut her hours but won't be, andshe is like banking on her
husband to get another job, towork a different set of hours,
because then she's like, becausethen I can tell my clients I
can't work these hours anymore.

(28:06):
Instead of instead of justtelling them you're not working
those hours anymore.
And I get that.
Like I was the same way, like Iwanted to cut back on my hours
and I didn't, until my husbandwent back to school and it was
like, well, he's going back toschool.
So it's like I have this excuseyes, not because I wanted to,
because, but I did.

Speaker 2 (28:24):
I wanted to for years and it I mean even at work.
Hey, can you stay extra?
Well, I can't, because I thisor this, when all I have to do
is go no, no, I can't yeah, no,and like I needed, I needed some
.
Not that I wanted to make himout to be a bad guy, no, but I
couldn't admit that I'm doing itbecause I want to and because

(28:45):
it's what's best for me, that'sa really big.

Speaker 3 (28:50):
Thing to admit to yeah.

Speaker 2 (28:52):
Well, and now I am fully like that's another thing
that ever came.
Now, when people say, oh, yougot divorced, I'm so sorry, and
I go no, don't be, it's good forboth of us.
We're amicable, we're friends.
Yeah, it's good.
We for both of us, we'reamicable, we're friends.
Yeah, it's good, we're good.
And some people will still didsomething.
No, nothing happened.

Speaker 3 (29:09):
it's just what was best for the both of us I feel
like failure is such a fuckingscam it is.
It is such a scam like you trysomething and it fails.
It wasn't a failure becausethen you tried the thing that
worked.
Yeah, like so it was just astep.
You're so right, like thatshould be one of those things.
It's so it was just a step.
You're so right, like thatshould be one of those things.
It's like it's not a flex, butlike failure is a fucking scam.

Speaker 2 (29:30):
Yeah, and I just I've morphed into this kind of like.
I think people come into yourlife when you need the most and
I think they leave when they Idon't want to say serve their
purpose.
I believe that.

Speaker 3 (29:44):
But they've fulfilled their soul contract in your
life, your karmic lessons and Iknow that's a little woo woo and
out there.
But like I fully believe that,like we are all here to serve a
purpose and sometimes thatpurpose is in someone's life for
a short period of time, yes,and it doesn't mean you have to
stay.

Speaker 2 (30:04):
And like bittersweet to me is such like that feeling
of that bittersweetness, like mybest friend from high school, I
mean we inseparable, right.
I mean we couldn't.
We finished each other'ssentences, people could hardly
tell us apart.
I mean it was just, and thatwas one of those things when
you're in high school, you thinkit's going to last for forever.
High school, you think it'sgoing to last for forever.

(30:25):
Well, now, you know, I wenthome this last weekend and I see
her and I think we said hello,how are you doing?
And she's got two beautifulchildren, and we talked for
maybe five minutes.
We didn't speak again, huggedeach other, goodbye, and that
was that and that was.
You know, my mom was a littlebit like well, you know, you
know you guys didn't really talkand I was like, because that's
not who we are anymore.
We had this great friendship.
Now it's over, and I don't meanover, I mean it's one of those.

Speaker 1 (30:48):
I wish the best right there wasn't a falling out,
there wasn't anything crazy yeah.

Speaker 2 (30:53):
I mean, I don't if every single person that we meet
, that we become friends with,is supposed to be in our lives
forever, like I would not beable to keep up and it just it
for that and it just it's.
There's so many of these small,little nuanced things that have
been coming out in the last likemonth or so of just, you know,
enjoying the people that I'maround now instead of being so

(31:16):
stuck in this nostalgia or thisoh, I used to do this and who I
used to be.
And then, like I said earlier,that's who I was when I was 22
and people won't like me whenI'm 34.
It's who I was when I was 22and who I was when I was 25.
And, um, there was something.
There's a, there's a girl onInstagram I cannot remember her
name, but she does spoken wordpoetry.
She was talking about how everyphase of you is a good phase,

(31:38):
and one of them was, um, shesaid something along I hope I I
get this right Something aboutwhen you look at old pictures
and you wish you looked likethat physically, but you don't
want to be there mentally and Ithought, cause, I used to do
that scroll through my picturesand go just three years ago I
was 30 pounds lighter.
Just two years ago I fit inthose jeans and I don't wear
them anymore.

(31:58):
And then I sit there and I lookat that picture and I go.
You were a miserable bitch.

Speaker 3 (32:09):
You were wearing a smaller size jeans and you were
miserable.
Yeah, and like it doesn'tequate to happiness, no, and I'm
just so.

Speaker 2 (32:13):
This, this I know I said to you earlier, but, like,
your second life begins when youstop giving a fuck about
everything.

Speaker 3 (32:21):
do you want to know?
I feel like we've probablyheard older people saying that
for years.
I swear to God, they've beensaying it for years.
Your second life begins whenyou stop giving a fuck.
Yes, we didn't get it, becausewe still gave a fuck.

Speaker 1 (32:40):
But I think you have to go through it and you have to
have the experiences and youhave to like, you have to live
it, to embody it.

Speaker 3 (32:50):
Yeah, and you have to have those lessons.
Um, I think it was you that Isent something to the other day
where it was like, if I lookback on pictures of me 10 years
ago, I mean, like God, I stillwish I looked like that.
Like, wasn't it you that I sentthat?
Something like that too?
And it was like and then thephotos of me now, in 10 years,
I'm going to look back at and belike God, I still wish I looked
like that.
So that's not it.

(33:11):
That's not.
It doesn't end if you're, ifthat's what you're looking at,
but like if you're looking atlike how you felt and how
authentic you were and your lifeand your purpose, and your like
the people around you, like Iwouldn't go back to that versus
now for anything in the world,no.

Speaker 2 (33:31):
I was sitting there, thinking, laying in bed last
night, thinking as one does, asI always do, and I thought to
myself you know, in the lastjust five years, I mean I was an
actual zombie, like I was, sonumb I was, was, so I mean I
couldn't think straight, Icouldn't, even last night.
So I went out with my friendlast night and we were having a

(33:51):
good time and I told you I wasum texting someone and uh, he
had texted me and said something.
And I came back with the quickwit and of course you know, as
girls do, she's reading over myshoulder every time and she said
you're really quick with it.
And I said, yeah, I'm going tobe honest.
It's coming back to me becausefor a while there, when I was in

(34:12):
full zombie mode, I couldn'thardly string sentences together
.
I mean, I couldn't, it's comingback.
It's coming back because I wasreal sharp in high school.

Speaker 1 (34:22):
Yeah, you got that, possessed I got a groove.
Yeah, you got that, possessed Igot a little sparkle, well, and
here's the thing.
So how long have we known eachother?
Ten years.

Speaker 2 (34:32):
I started.
Nine years I started going tothe gym in 2016.
Okay, I can't do math bitch.

Speaker 1 (34:38):
Eight years, okay, so we've known each other for
eight years and I've alwaysthought that you are funny, but
there is now much more, andmaybe it's because it's in me
too.
There's much more of like alightness to you.
There was like a hesitancy.

Speaker 2 (35:00):
I was so hesitant about everything, everything.

Speaker 1 (35:02):
Everything.
You were much more rigid.
You were still funny, stillwitty, but there was there was
like a little bit of a darkcloud, like a barrier.

Speaker 2 (35:14):
Yes, yeah, and even when I would let it out
sometimes you know what I'dimmediately do when I'd say
something kind of weird orsomething out there, did you
retract it.
Sorry, sorry, that was weird.
Sorry, I mean like immediately,yeah, and so it was like, cause
it just again so concerned ofwhat?
If I say something totallygoofy and they don't laugh at my
joke, like people have to thinkI'm funny, not me.

(35:36):
If I'm not funny, I'll funny.

Speaker 3 (35:37):
So, okay, I want to backtrack a little bit because I
know that you have done anotherjourney since then.
But I want to talk about howyou knew it was time for another
journey.
Because here's the thing you'veyou the way that you explained
like you were riding that highand then you realize like, oh
shit, now I have to do the work.
Um, a lot of people don't getto that part of like now I have

(36:03):
to do the work, like they'rejust like life is good, and then
they like fall back into adepression and they're like, oh
well, it didn't work.
I guess it didn't work.
But it's like no, no, no, no,it did, you just didn't do
anything with it.
And now you're right back whereyou started.
So you're going to have to putin double the effort.
But, I think, a lot of sorry.
Sorry, I guess what I wastrying to say is like, for me it

(36:27):
was a long time before I didanother journey, because I just
kept saying, but like, whydidn't that last one work?
Like I shouldn't have to bereaching to do another journey,
to to like live life or to getthrough this next chapter.
But I think it's important tobe honest with yourself and say
like no, now it's onto the nextthing.
Honest with yourself and saylike no, now it's onto the next

(36:49):
thing.
And now I've worked on ABC frommy last journey.
But that doesn't mean I'mfucking fixed, that's never
going to happen.
But I need a little push, likewe were talking about earlier.
You sometimes you need thatpush, but you don't want to be
told what to do.
No, you need that push to getover or to get clarity on the
next step, like all right, whatam I ready for now?

Speaker 2 (37:10):
Well, that's exactly what happened.
Okay, I just kept sitting thereand I kept thinking I, like you
, were stuck, I'm stuck.
I think I might have used thatword with you.
Well, I'm stuck.

Speaker 1 (37:21):
That's what it feels like is stuck.
It was that text.
It was like okay, my ex is outdating and doing all right.

Speaker 3 (37:27):
I'm ready.

Speaker 1 (37:28):
I'm ready to do something about this now.

Speaker 3 (37:31):
Yes, but there's this block there.

Speaker 2 (37:33):
Yes, and it was again .
It came back to I can't figureout why.
And so, and I needed somethingto open.

Speaker 3 (37:42):
Can I say something that that, oh God Indora said OK
.
That, um, oh God, indora saidokay, how to know when you're
ready for another journey.
Figure out your question andwhat you need and then let the
mushrooms assist you in your why.
Yeah, do you remember that?
That's how you know if youcan't do it on your own.
And there's no, that's not evensaying like you didn't try.

(38:04):
You were fucking trying.
You were trying with every toolyou had to get there.
You're like I know what it is,I know what I need to do, I just
can't get there.
I need to figure out why Ican't get there.

Speaker 2 (38:18):
And I had you know I had started um, I had increased
like uh, exercising right, likeso me and my friend walk every
Wednesday.
We call it walkie talkieWednesday, love that.
Go walk at Beckley Creek andpretty much just talk shit about
our coworkers and likeeverything else.
We like mental health walkietalkie Wednesday and we just you

(38:38):
just yabber for like threehours.

Speaker 1 (38:40):
Oh, you are a yibber yabber.
Yes, I am.
You are a yibber yabber, yes.

Speaker 2 (38:44):
I am.
You are so yappy, I love that,I love that, I love to talk.
And so we deal on Wednesday andwe, both her and I, were very
intentional about eating betterand eating breakfast and lunch.
So I'm eating so much better.
You know my sister is, she's sohippy dippy and I love it.
You know she's over here, Ilove it.
Yes, and it.

(39:07):
You know she's over here, Ilove it.
Yes, and you know she's overhere with um, her herbs and her
tea and I'm taking some chineseyou know chinese herbal medicine
, and again, it's these things.
And I had good intentions and Iwas doing some yoga and I was
meditating and then at the endof it, I just go the fuck, none
of it's working, like it's still.
I felt so blocked and Icouldn't figure out where, where
I was blocked, whether it wasmy, couldn't figure out where,
where it was blocked, whether itwas my head, whether it was my

(39:29):
heart, whether it was.
And so that's why I thought,man, I just need something to
just blow my mind open and saythis this, this is what it is,
this is what we need.
And I thought, god, what betterway than drugs, man.

Speaker 3 (39:53):
Work for me last time it worked.
Last time medicine, and that'sthe thing you weren't like well,
clearly it didn't work.
Yeah, like you were like no, itdid work it did.

Speaker 2 (39:58):
It did what it needed to do, and that's where I
thought this is.
It was.
To me it wasn't.
Oh, I gotta go back and fixthis problem.
It was.
This is a new was.
This is a new problem.
So this is a new journey for aseparate journey, for a separate
problem, and I thought it'salmost like it's not a line to
me.

Speaker 3 (40:16):
It's just not linear.

Speaker 2 (40:17):
It's the second, like here's my first journey and I'm
working on the things and it'sstill ongoing, but I didn't tack
on my journey.
I hit enter and I started asecond journey, and now I have
two journeys that are going onand maybe one day I'll have to
come down and I'll have to do athird journey.

Speaker 3 (40:30):
I forgot that.
You're like a very visualperson.

Speaker 2 (40:33):
Yeah then I talk with my hands.

Speaker 3 (40:34):
No, but like I remember you saying, like in the
last episode, that you did,like you talk about, like,
seeing things.
Yes, and I, I freaking loveyeah, because I see it as like
maybe I like that better becauseyou're not going up, because
you're never, ever, ever, ever,ever going to reach the top.
But the way that I used tovisualize it is like, well, this

(40:55):
is just the first step, and inorder to get to the second step,
I had to learn this one.
And then, when I'm up here, Icouldn't have made it here
without these lessons before.
Like it's like every lesson issomething that you're going to
take with you.

Speaker 2 (41:11):
You're building on on the next journey yeah, yeah,
that's the way I visualize it.

Speaker 3 (41:16):
Yeah, but I like yours, how it's like, not like
up it's, it's like it's justthis and every time you do one,
you're taking the tools that youlearned the time before into
the next one, and they're stillongoing.

Speaker 2 (41:29):
I don't put a period at the end of them, like there's
no period at the end of this,they're all ongoing, yeah, and
I'm just feel like I'm kind ofexpanding and so cause, you know
, it was like, well, you know, Idid this whole journey and I'm
learning.
You know how am I going tolearn more things?
Well, I'm going to expand likemy mind and the way I learn all
these things, it's going to I'mjust going to take in more and

(41:49):
it's kind of, you know, youstart something, you start
playing the piano and it'sreally difficult.
Well then, eventually, you know, you learn to play the piano
and then you learn to play theguitar and then you learn to
play the trumpet.
I mean, how do people speak six, seven, eight languages?
Expand languages, you expand,you just expand and you just
keep shoving a little bit morein there.
And that's kind of what thisjourney was.
I thought this is a new issue,I need a new journey, I need new

(42:16):
tools and I'm going to takewhat I've learned, but I'm going
to just expand on it and I'mgoing to confront this specific
issue that I'm having and thenwe're going to go from there.
And so my first journey, um, Ithink my word was clarity, right
.
I kept saying I needed clarityon decisions that I needed to
make and really I just needed.
The thing is, when I thinkabout it now, I knew what I
wanted to do.

Speaker 3 (42:36):
Right, we said that I swear to God in our last
episode.

Speaker 2 (42:39):
I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

Speaker 3 (42:40):
People were like I don't want to.
What if I do this and I feellike and I divorce my husband
and we're like you alreadywanted to.
You want to you don't needmushrooms to tell you you want
to.

Speaker 2 (42:56):
I needed something and or someone or whatever, to
just say you know what?
You want and you can do it,cause I.
For a long time, I was like Ican't, I can't live on my own, I
can't pay my own bills, I can'tdo all this.
And then, literally, I did thatjourney.
It was like, yes, you can.
It was like, yes, you can.
And I was like, oh, like I'mnot the first woman who's ever
been single and like paying myown mortgage.

Speaker 3 (43:13):
Okay, do you ever feel like to?
You said like you woke up thenext morning and your husband
came in and said like I think weshould get a divorce or
something like that, or you guyswere already separated.
Yeah, sometimes, though, I dofeel like, even though you
learned that in your journey andyou got the clarity you needed,
sometimes I feel like theuniverse throws you a bone and

(43:36):
is like she gets it.
Now We'll make it a little biteasier on her We'll take pity on
her.
Yeah, like, right, right Likethis time we're going to like
let him come in and say he wantsthe divorce, so she can like
rest in this for a little bit.
She did a really good jobyesterday.

Speaker 2 (43:51):
I honestly think, because sometimes I sit back and
I think if he had never come inand said that to me, would I
have gone to him the next day?
And I'm like I don't know,Maybe not the next day.

Speaker 1 (44:01):
We tell people to not make any drastic decisions for
like the first month.
Yeah, let we tell people to notmake any drastic decisions for
like the first month yeah, letthe medicine sit yes, but it was
you know I needed that to mewas the universe throwing you a
bone.

Speaker 2 (44:11):
Yeah, I needed clarity.
I need clarity.
So when we came um for my nextjourney, and Christine sat with
me.
Um connection was the word thatI had and I needed because I I
think I had told her to in textmessages.
I feel so disconnected from mybody to the point where I'd look
in the mirror and I was likenot that I hated it, but it just

(44:32):
was like it didn't feel likewhat you felt I didn't feel like
what I felt like, and it justfelt it's almost like my body
was like can you love me?
And I was like, can you not?
No, and I just feltdisconnected and I mean I was to
the point.
Your body's like please you'relike?

Speaker 3 (44:51):
no, not like that, I have other things to do right
now.

Speaker 1 (44:54):
Yeah, why are you so obsessed with me?

Speaker 2 (44:55):
Like I was taking showers in the dark.
Stop, yes, because it just waslike I didn't say it all the
time, like I just don't.
Sometimes I don't want to beperceived Like just don't
perceive me.

Speaker 3 (45:07):
You didn't even want to perceive yourself.

Speaker 2 (45:08):
No, I don't perceive myself Like I wouldn't go out
and I'm like nobody.
I don't need anybody to knowthat I'm a human, like don't
look at me.

Speaker 3 (45:14):
I'm shocked.
You have mirrors in your house.

Speaker 2 (45:16):
Honestly, I have a lot, but what I will say is they
come in use at post journeyRight she turned into like the
fucking baddest bitch.

Speaker 1 (45:29):
Who, like I mean?

Speaker 3 (45:31):
I feel like she, if what, maybe that's what I need.
That's what I need To journeywith me.
No, we can journey together.
I'm just like to like we weresaying like I am not that sexy
sexual deviant person and wewere saying like there's a block

(45:51):
with me and I don't know whatit is, but that's just and I'm
you know, I don't know.
I'm just saying maybe thatcould be an intention one day.

Speaker 1 (45:57):
I think I need to, I think I need to guide you.
Oh, you got the magic touch.

Speaker 3 (46:02):
Hey, we'll get into that.
Don't even start.

Speaker 1 (46:06):
Oh.

Speaker 3 (46:08):
God.
I don't even know where this isgoing.
Well, I knew that this?

Speaker 2 (46:18):
here's the other thing.
I was excited for my firstjourney, right, I mean, she
walked in.
She's like you nervous.
I was like, no man, let's go,let's get this done, this one.
She came in and I was like,like I mean, the night before I
was having some wicked anxietybecause I knew this is going to.
I'm gonna have to face my shit,and this is something I don't
want to.
I don't want to look at itbecause I knew it was going to
hurt.
And then there was also thismixture of I know what to expect
, but it's not going to be whatI expect.

(46:40):
You know, I knew that I wasgoing to the things I was going
to see and some things I wasgoing to feel, but then at the
same time, like it's going, tobe different, Because you're
like I've already done this.
Yeah, I've already done this,but at the same time I know it's
going to be different.
So then now I'm like I know howit could be, but it's not going
to be.
Oh, and I was so twisted upabout it.
I mean she came over in.
I wake up at 1015.
We'll go back.
Hey, it was my bathroom, wipingdown the baseboards in my
bathroom, cause I was like whatif Christine comes in here and

(47:07):
says ew, look at this, I'm likemopping and vacuuming and like
it was, cause I was so twistedup.

Speaker 3 (47:18):
I was so anxious.
I'm really glad we sucked upall those spiders in the corner
before she got here.

Speaker 2 (47:23):
Yeah, I totally would't know.
I know you would have totallyjudged me and I just was.
I mean, I was so.

Speaker 3 (47:29):
But think about that, though, like you would never
judge someone else and you werelike so worried about being
hardcore judged.

Speaker 2 (47:36):
Yes, and I just I was trying to get my mind off of it
and at one point I was like Ithink I might just call and
cancel, Like I was really,really anxious.
So then, of course, you know,the little tiny voice in the
back of my head goes soobviously you need it, Obviously
you need it.
Like this, you're avoiding.
Like ball up and do it.

(47:57):
Okay, this is what.

Speaker 3 (47:59):
I wanted to talk about anxiety with you about
earlier.
Keep going, sorry.
Well, so we get into it aboutearlier Keep going, sorry, well,
so we get in.

Speaker 2 (48:05):
put a pin in that, put a pin in that we get into it
and um, kind of the same thingas last time, you know, started
feeling things, whatever, layingdown, um, put my eye mask on
turnover and all I remember,cause I kept saying connect.
I just want to connect to mybody, I want to feel the things
that I feel.
I want some sort of you know, Iknow it takes sometimes forever

(48:25):
, sometimes never, to actuallylove your body and that's
ongoing.
But I just thought I just don't.
I just want to feel connected.
I just want to feel her.
And we get.
I get deep into the journey andall of a sudden I just kept
thinking I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this.
And now, when I think about it,I like at the time I thought I
don't want to do this, I don'twant to do this.
And now, when I think about it,like at the time, I thought I

(48:47):
don't want to do this and Idon't want to do this journey,
like my mind was going.
I want to get out of this.
I want to get, because I wasreal deep and I'm seeing weird
things and that stupid playlistoh my God, yes, it sounds
something in my brain.
The playlist that plays itmakes it repeat.
Even though I know it's playingdifferent music the entire time
, it's repeating over and overand over again, it was the Johns

(49:10):
Hopkins playlist.

Speaker 3 (49:11):
The one with no lyrics, or the classical music,
one Classical.

Speaker 2 (49:17):
Okay, but the yes, but there's something about it.
I don't know why my brain getshooked.
It literally just loops, loopsand loops and loops.

Speaker 3 (49:23):
Some of those songs, though, are 15 minutes long yeah
.
I know, so you might not bewrong about that repetitive Some
of those songs when you hearthem, you're like oh God,
fucking change it Like.
It sounds dark and ominous.

Speaker 1 (49:35):
I don't listen to that one I know, and that's
after that I texted you.
I was like, can you send mesome new?

Speaker 3 (49:40):
playlists yeah, that was, that was hard Cause it's
got like that March music.

Speaker 1 (49:45):
I'm always scared to work.
Well, I'm always scared toexperiment with something
different because it's musicmatters so much.

Speaker 3 (49:53):
It does so like the one.
I say, though it's not, it'snot lyrics either, and I think
it like works really well.
It's a little bit softer.

Speaker 2 (50:03):
I got in this loop and it was like I don't want to
do this, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this, and I
kept thinking I just want towake up.
All I want to do is wake up.
I want the trip to be over, Iwant out of this, I want out of
this, and then it would gothrough.

(50:30):
I could feel myself going backinto it again.
And I think I cycled four orfive times doing that.
At one point I kept thinking I'mso warm and safe.
I'm so warm and safe the waythat I am Cause, of course, the
way that curled all the way up,you know, got my hands
underneath my chin, got my feetpulled all the way up in the
fetal position, and I just keptthinking I am so warm and safe.
And then, when the dark,ominous part came around for
that cycle, the only thing Ikept hearing was somebody else
is going to take that away.
I just kept thinking somebody'sgoing to take it away, like if

(50:53):
I, if I were to date, you're notgoing to be warm and safe
anymore, they're going to takeit from you.
And I got really freaked outbecause I just was like no no, I
want to stay, I want to like, Ijust want to stay right here, I
don't want to get out of mybubble.
And I freaked out a little bitand cycled through that for a

(51:14):
while and then, um, all Iremember is that because I think
we talked about this too therewasn't as much specific stuff in
this one.
It was a little more kind ofvague feeling as opposed to very
obvious things.
But one of the very obviousthings that came out of it is,
after I went through this you'rewarm and safe and someone's
going to take it from you.
It's was something about, um,not, it was specifically not

(51:37):
everybody's going to hurt you,and we talked about this a lot
after.
Um I came out of it was that Itend to put the things that had
that my ex-husband did to me orthat my mother did to me.
I put those things on otherpeople and I mean like strangers
, like absolutes, like I takeone, look at him and I'm like,

(51:58):
oh, he would think that likethis, like I see, like a really
hot guy, and someone be like, oh, go talk to him, like, no, he
probably thinks I'm too fat.
Where did that come from?
I'm judging this guy fromacross the room.
He could be the nicest,sweetest guy in the whole wide
world.
He could just be fucking gay,who knows.
And I'm sitting here going, no,he's going to think I'm too fat
.
But it's like I put all of myinsecurities and the trauma that

(52:20):
other people and the thingsthat people have said to me.
I've stored them all up in mylife and I put them on other
people.
Yeah, and it's, you know, it'snot fair to them.

Speaker 3 (52:29):
Like, that's not cool .

Speaker 2 (52:30):
And so you know, I'm cycling through this and all I
kept getting was not everybody'sgoing to hurt you, not
everybody's going to hurt you.
And then I sat there and I'mthinking and I'm like, obviously
I mean, look at you guys, lookat my friends that I have, look
at you guys, look at my friendsthat I have, look at my sister,
not, not everybody's going tohurt me.
And you know, I've always been avery pessimistic, sort of

(52:52):
nihilistic, but covering it withhumor kind of a person and I
you know how sometimes you'relike that person's so peppy,
it's so annoying.
There's a part of me thatthought I don't want to be peppy
all the time, I don't want toalways be like life's great, and
I thought I don't know if itwas like the cool girl in me
that thought like I need to berealistic, I need to be, like

(53:15):
you know, level-headed and alittle pessimistic.
Well then, after that journey Imean this is I might be going
off script a little bit, but inthe last like couple weeks I
have just made it a point to seethe good in everyone and
everything.
Holy shit when I tell you ithas I mean in literally just the
last two weeks Transformed yourlife In the last two weeks.

(53:35):
The way it has transformed that.
I just look at people as ifthey are not out to get me, that
they're not out, like if I talkto a guy or I talk to a girl
they're not sitting there thewhole time thinking about all my
flaws, because if they were,they wouldn't be sitting there
talking to me you've had toswitch to like what's the worst

(53:57):
that could happen to what's thebest that could happen that
could happen, or like not evenwhat's the worst that could
happen, but almost like theworst is probably going to
happen.
And I even say to my friends allthe time what if it doesn't?
Sometimes I'll say to my friendall the time what's the worst?
The worst I could say is no.
I applied for a new job.
You know, like I got really,you know, worked up about going

(54:20):
and applying for a new job andgo on an interview and I was
like I need to wear a power suitand I need to go get dress
pants and everyone's like justwear scrubs.
And I was like what if I don'tget the job Cause I'm wearing
scrubs?
And they were like okay, that'son them.

Speaker 3 (54:32):
Like it wasn't for you.

Speaker 2 (54:34):
And I've just said, in the last two weeks I just
morphed around to this.
Like I mean, if I don't thinkthose things about other people,
when I look at someone I'm notsitting there going oh God,
their ears are crooked or oh myGod they're heavy, they could
use a little extra dry shampoo.
I've never thought those thingsabout the people that I love or
even strangers that I talked to, and it was like why can I not

(54:55):
a lot those feelings that otherpeople couldn't feel the same
way about me?
Like I was just making, I wasmaking everybody out to be cruel
in my head, like I'm walkingaround because you were, because
you were cruel to yourself.
Yes, as if I'm this, like super,I'm the nicest person and I
wouldn't think about that.
But everybody else is mean Iwas like okay, like I don't know

(55:16):
what, whether that'snarcissistic or whatever but you
weren't nice to yourself.
It wasn't nice to myself no, andso you know this journey.
I only tripped for like an hour, I think.
Like I said, I only cycled forfour or five times and once I
hit that where it was like noteverybody is going to be mean to
you, I remember going.
I was going into another cycleand I went God, I don't want to

(55:38):
do this.
And I heard my stupid voice inthe back of my head say well,
you better get it right thistime, and maybe you won't have
to.
I went, okay, and that was thelast cycle that I did.

Speaker 3 (55:50):
So I want to say, the first time I've only been stuck
in a loop once and it was myvery first journey, and it is
absolutely terrifying whenyou're in it because you feel
like it's never going to stop.
And then I'm just now realizingit was very similar to that, in
that I was repeating this cycleand I was just like, oh my God,
okay, I get it, okay, I get it.

(56:10):
I didn't get it, I didn't getit, and it was the moment that I
let go, was the moment that Iwas like, oh, oh, no, I get it.
This is what letting go feelslike.
And then the cycle stopped, theloop stopped and I was like oh
my God, that's what it feelslike, this is what letting go

(56:33):
feels like.
So for you, it was like this iswhat it feels like to let go of
these ideas that other peopleare talking, these having these
thoughts about me, that I'mhaving what if they weren't?
But you don't like.

Speaker 2 (56:46):
You know that realistically, but feeling it,
yes completely different andthat's where I go with the
disconnection I could say myfeelings versus reality.
I knew I can look in there andsay reality, but my feelings are
different and I had that'swhere I felt this disconnect and
I needed to connect them.
To take what people say to youas at face value is what they

(57:12):
say If someone says you lookreally pretty really pretty
today.
I think I told you about this.
I had oh, cause this happenedbefore before this journey at
the bar, my friend and I shewanted we were gonna go out and
with no intentions of, like youknow, one night stands, it was
just me and her going out.
Because of the way that I wasraised and you know, being

(57:34):
married, I never did the barhopping thing.
I never bounced around a bunchof bars, never went out drinking
with my girlfriends literallynever done that.
She was like we're going tobardstown road, put a sexy dress
on, we're just gonna go havefun.
So I did like, did my hair, didmy makeup, we both put our
little mini skirt, sexy outfits,sexy outfits on and we go

(57:55):
walking to new o'shea's.
Never been to o'shea's beforein my life, right?
So we go waltzing in there,walk in the door, we walk right
up to the bar and the bartenderwalks up to me.
His name's Kev.
Hey, kev, if you're listening.
He walks everybody knows Kevinfrom.
O'Shea's.
He walks up to the bar, helooks at me, he goes hey, oh,
you look really pretty tonight,shut the fuck up.

(58:15):
And I was like, oh, thank you.
And he was like you look reallygood.
I was like, oh, thanks.
And of course I'm like, oh,you've never been here.
He's like who kept you trapped?
And I was like I just kind ofhold up for a little, you know.
So we, whatever, we chit chat,and he's like I'm Kev, I'm
Alyssa, and then we walk awayand that's it, you know.
And then we wander out.
We have such a good night.

(58:35):
We wander around, nothinghappens.
Me and her have so much fun, wehave a blast.
She came home, we pillow talktill 4 am.
Like god, I love that girl.
And so I'm telling christineabout this story, you know,
because of course everybody'sreally excited.
This is the first time alissahas literally left her house,
like people at work knew someoneout.

(58:57):
Yes, yes, they literally it wasjust like big event.
They're like will you text mewhen?
What happens?
And I was like, okay, alyssa'sgoing to a bar, yes, and so
Christine goes over and I'm likeyou know, I think I told her
I'd go in the bar, and so I tellher this story and I'm like,
yeah, and you know, thebartender says you look really
pretty tonight.

Speaker 1 (59:23):
And what's, but they get paid to say that.
So it didn't mean anything.
Mm-mm, Mm-mm.
And I'm like will you shut thefuck up?

Speaker 3 (59:25):
They don't get paid to tell you that you look hot.

Speaker 2 (59:26):
I was a bartender and I was not that, but that in my
head there was no way.
I couldn't fathom that Kevthought I was pretty, that he
needed to say that, and I putthat on him.

Speaker 3 (59:46):
I put all of my insecurities on poor kev at
o'shea's.
Sorry kev, and he's like I wasjust being nice he did.
He was just like.
I just said what I thought hejust said you look really pretty
he didn't have to say that, no,you were gonna tip him.

Speaker 2 (59:53):
Anyway, I was, and that was everything.
I had said the same thing to mysister because I was like oh
yeah, I got hit by the bartender, but they're paid to do that.
She said, bitch, no, theyaren't.

Speaker 3 (01:00:02):
And I was like okay, but like I would never like I
would say that to somebody if Ireally genuinely thought that,
but like I was just nice toeverybody else.

Speaker 2 (01:00:12):
You're just kind, I was just nice, yeah, I was a
nice bartender and that, butthat was the thing.
That's what I was doing.
Is I just?
I'm not taking people at facevalue for someone Because, like
I said, I would never sit hereand say, like you know, like
when I told Christine I love you, like my?

Speaker 3 (01:00:31):
line.

Speaker 2 (01:00:31):
No, I mean it, but I love you Like I would never lie
about things like that and I'm.
I think people are a lot morehonest than we give them credit
for and we just don't want tobelieve.
And so that was a big thing.
You know, I come out of thisjourney and it was like I need
to just take people, take whatthey're giving me pretty much,
because you know, on the flipside, you know, then we have

(01:00:53):
people that are very blatantlyobviously like disrespecting you
or red flags right sitting heremorphing our brains and trying
to come up.
Well, they didn't mean it thatway and they didn't mean that,
right, yeah.
So why do we make excuses forthe bad behavior but then the
good behavior we can't just takeit?
You know what I mean?
Yeah, just take it at facevalue, yeah.
And so all I remember is it waslike an hour I was under and I

(01:01:16):
wake up.
I finally come out of thatcycle and she's sitting over by
my window and I go christine,christine, and she goes yeah, do
you need to go pee?
I said turn that off.
And I pointed to the littlespeaker that was right there my
bedside.
I said turn that off.

(01:01:38):
She said do you not like thatmusic?
I said no, turn it off.
So she turns it off.
She was like are you done?
I said yep, I'm done.
It was an hour, I think myfirst one.

Speaker 1 (01:01:50):
I think I tripped for like four or five oh, I would
four, I would say two, three,maybe like underneath, and yeah,
well then I came out and satthere like this one was just now
.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You sat and literally lookedlike a drooling zombie for a
solid hour and then you turnedinto like you were trying to

(01:02:15):
have sex with me.
Yes, so there's that so okaythis one.

Speaker 2 (01:02:19):
You have to listen to part one to fully understand
that context so finally I'm justlike I gotta go pee, so I go
pee, and I just was out of itand then I went back into my and
when you say out of it, I feellike we need to clarify.

Speaker 3 (01:02:32):
Like you're still high on mushrooms, but you're
just not in the peak of it, thepeak of the experience, like
once that is out of the way.
After that you're just kind oflike in and out of feeling.
I feel like.

Speaker 1 (01:02:43):
The best comparison is like you're awake, you're
talking, you feel a little drunk.

Speaker 2 (01:02:49):
Yes.

Speaker 3 (01:02:49):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:02:50):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:02:51):
It's the only thing to compare it to.
Yeah, yeah.
Cause I always say, when I Iwould say I was, I was in deep,
yeah, you were you were in it asin like, and we say that where
we, when we were in it and thenwhen we came out of it, doesn't
mean like we're automaticallylike able to fully drive a
fucking car like absolutely not.
You're still fucking trippingballs.
Oh, I was absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:03:09):
You're just not in your subconscious anymore, yeah
it was still pretty heavybecause even I've still sat
there and I'm like because herand I talked for hours after
that later on talked.
I can't remember half of it.
I have no idea what we'retalking about.
I know I turned back into alittle.

Speaker 1 (01:03:26):
You turn into like so the first journey, you like
take your sweatpants off, you'rein your you know spandex shorts
.
This time the same thing.
And she does this like littlejiggle when, like she like walks
around the room and she likechecks herself out in the mirror

(01:03:46):
and she like I could hit, Icould have handed her a fucking
g string and that bitch wouldhave been like doing the splits
handstands in the air.

Speaker 2 (01:03:56):
If she would open my front door, my neighbors would
have gotten a show like I don'tknow what it is.
I just yeah, she's so free onher.

Speaker 1 (01:04:05):
Yes she is.
She like dances around.
She'll, like you know, slam herhands on like her bed sheets
and, like like, claw her handsthrough the sheets.
She like a little sexual shedoes?

Speaker 3 (01:04:18):
she turns in, I get a little predatory she just gets
a little prim prowler.

Speaker 1 (01:04:20):
She does, she turns into like I get a little
predatory.
She gets a little primal.
That's where it's going.
Both times I've been like shecould easily try to finger bite
me.
I'm not sure.

Speaker 3 (01:04:34):
Well, I did tell her I need to be fully prepared.
We like cuddled.

Speaker 1 (01:04:39):
Hold on, yeah, she was like I think she was like um
, can we cuddle?
So I, you know, it was like Iwas like the dude holding her in
my arms and she would just liketickle my forearm and she'd

(01:05:00):
like rub my hair.
It felt really good, but I'mlike I feel like with all the
books she reads, like thefucking monster, gay monster
books.
Like I'm like this could goweird, like so fucking quick and
I'm not sure you know, ally,I'm not a lizard, okay I do love
a tail, show me what you got.

(01:05:25):
I do have a little whale tailtoday.

Speaker 2 (01:05:29):
I remember at one point I said something about I
don't want to make youuncomfortable, and she was like
what I said.
Well, christine, I kind oftried to fuck you last time and
I said, because this journey wasspecifically about sexuality
and intimacy I know I was.

Speaker 3 (01:05:47):
You were scared.

Speaker 2 (01:05:48):
I said I was scared because I thought, if I come out
of this feeling myself and shegoes, are you afraid you're
gonna rape me?
And I was like no, oh my god.
No, I said.
But I was afraid that I wasgonna be, you were gonna make a
move, that I was gonna make heruncomfortable I said I didn't I
didn't want to be Like you weregoing to make a move that I was
going to make her uncomfortable.
I said I didn't.
I didn't want to be so handsyand flirty that Christine's over
there like where's my chastitybelt.

Speaker 3 (01:06:11):
Leah, I need you to come pick me up right now.

Speaker 2 (01:06:14):
Yes, I just because even when I get like I mean I
haven't been drunk very oftenbut if I get buzzed or get, the
first thing I want to do is likeI want to make out with my
girlfriends.

Speaker 3 (01:06:27):
I was literally just going to say that's one of the
reasons I stopped drinking isbecause I became a makeout queen
when I drank.

Speaker 2 (01:06:32):
I can't help it.
Girls have such soft lips.

Speaker 3 (01:06:35):
Oh, I would make out with anybody Like girls, guys,
anybody.
Why don't you come?

Speaker 2 (01:06:38):
over here and give me a kiss.

Speaker 3 (01:06:42):
Now I'm scared, just kidding.
But I'm like I quit drinkingbecause I'm like I'm going to
end up going home with someoneand I'm married Because I don't
know what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 (01:06:52):
No, I like girls.

Speaker 3 (01:06:54):
I like kissing.

Speaker 2 (01:06:54):
They're just so soft and they're just so pretty and
like.
I like them when I'm sober too,I like them when I when I'm
sober too.

Speaker 3 (01:07:03):
I like furry outfits I have just I'm just throwing
that out there, I'm just kiddingI'm.

Speaker 1 (01:07:07):
I do have a lot of you, do you mean?

Speaker 3 (01:07:09):
fuzzy we should probably clarify.
I know it's not real furry, butI have a lot of animal onesies.
I like have animal onesie.
They're cute.
That's what we did.
We did it for my birthday.

Speaker 1 (01:07:21):
I was like I went for my birthday, okay animal
pajamas I think animal onesies Imade everybody pick out, maybe.
Maybe you haven't dove intothat as much as you should have
I know I'm like there'ssomething is there something
there?
I don't think, I don't thinkI'm a furry.

Speaker 3 (01:07:35):
I those I did look up a furry outfit once though, and
they are expensive as fuck.
They're expensive as fuck.

Speaker 2 (01:07:40):
Yeah, man up a furry outfit once though, and they are
expensive as fuck.
She loves a furry.
They're expensive as fuck.
Yeah, man, Like a furry, like.

Speaker 3 (01:07:46):
One time, jason, like SNM outfit, picked out like a
butt plug that had like a tailon it.
We didn't get it, but I waslike you would, you would, you
would like that.
He's like I mean, yeah, it'skind of cool and I'm like, oh,
oh, it's like a rainbow tail.

Speaker 2 (01:08:04):
Can we edit that part out.
Please leave it in.
Please leave it in.
Did I just blow your?

Speaker 3 (01:08:11):
mind a little bit.
There might be something therethat was the kinkiest thing
you've ever told me.

Speaker 2 (01:08:19):
Did she not just say I'm not a sexual deviant at all?
I don't really get intoanything, okay.
Rainbow tail butt plug.

Speaker 3 (01:08:32):
We didn't get it oh they didn't get it Not that one,
not that one.
They got the neon green andstriped one one the matching
ears oh shit, I'm gonna have tohave a conversation with jason

(01:08:53):
oh my god, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 (01:08:54):
Sorry for that little side track.
I don't even remember whatwe're talking about.
Oh, I just was talking aboutmaking out with people, but but
yeah, you get very like sexualand you're like lying on the bed
and like rubbing your body likeI'm I'm worried you're gonna

(01:09:17):
masturbate um the first journey,I was worried myself about that
.

Speaker 2 (01:09:24):
I thought is she still in here?
Would it be weird to ask her toleave?
This one wasn't as bad, I willtell you no no, it was.

Speaker 1 (01:09:34):
It was much more pg and it was almost like you just
wanted that connection yeah, Idid, I needed connection I need
like just touch connection, likeuh I was just like holding her
like a little, like a littlebaby, please tell them what I
did to you.

Speaker 2 (01:09:53):
What did you do?

Speaker 3 (01:09:54):
was it the foot with your foot?
I remember.
Oh, my god.
Okay, she texted me as ithappened.
I'm so sorry to out you likethat, but she texted me after
you did it like sos, sos, sos.

Speaker 1 (01:10:08):
So not like that she wasn't like she was like.

Speaker 3 (01:10:12):
I was just like keep me posted on how ali's doing
like she said, she saidsomething about no, I leah wants
to be here and I said, where isI?

Speaker 2 (01:10:21):
know I it.

Speaker 3 (01:10:22):
I would love to be there right now.
I would love to like.

Speaker 1 (01:10:25):
I'm not yelling, yelling your name at her phone
Next time I'm going to likerecord it, you should.

Speaker 2 (01:10:31):
I'm not going to.
You said can.

Speaker 1 (01:10:32):
I record you.
I said, yes, yeah, cause you,yes, and that was off the bed.
And like, did you record methough?
Yes, oh, I never saw it.
Yeah, I'll send it to you.
And then like, like you know,again throwing her hands on the
bed and like, oh my god, like,look at me, I have such a cute
butt.
Like, oh my god, I love my legs.
I'm so juicy and delicious andI'm like sitting there and I'm

(01:10:57):
like this fucking bitch, she allhere, I love her because my
brain is loud and all I hear iscould you please sit down?

Speaker 2 (01:11:04):
can you please sit down before you hurt yourself,
ellie?

Speaker 1 (01:11:07):
lay on the bed well, that's another thing too.
Like she has a bad back andshe's, like you know, whipping
and weaving and like twistingand turning and I'm like, girl,
you're gonna like throw yourback out, like sit down, you
geriatric millennial.
So she texts me, so I'm likeher room is like nice and cozy,

(01:11:27):
but it's cold and I get coldeasily.
So I'm like you know, likenuzzling in underneath her
comforter her bed's so comfy andlike my feet are sticking out
and she's like, oh, what's that?
And I was like it's my feet,they're so tiny.
And she literally like likethrows the comforter down, grabs

(01:11:47):
my foot and fucking bites it,not just like a little nipple, a
little nipple, it was like.
And I was like ali, I don'tknow where that came from.
Well, and then she goes oh,that was something that like I
thought that was an insidethought.
Yeah, that was an inside thought, but it it came outside.

Speaker 2 (01:12:09):
I'm really sorry and I'm like did I bite you hard?
And she was like yeah, I waslike.
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 3 (01:12:16):
I just couldn't help it.
That's when I texted it.
I was just like I really wish Icould be there right now just
to witness it.

Speaker 1 (01:12:22):
But that was an inside thought that accidentally
went outside.

Speaker 3 (01:12:25):
I'm so sorry, they look so they're so tiny, they're
so easy to crunch on oh my god,I need to create an only fans
for fucking real, just for yourfeet, for real, no like that's
it, yeah, that's it for real.
Just for your feet, for real.
No, like that's it, yeah that'sit for real I mean people.

Speaker 1 (01:12:46):
There's a guy, dash cam 365.
He does comment on our youtubeand he's like often about our
fucking dude.

Speaker 2 (01:12:53):
I'm not wearing socks today.
I gotta put that oh, he's gonna.
He's gonna leave in thecomments and he's gonna to say
tell her there you go, there yougo.

Speaker 3 (01:13:01):
Dash cam, three, six, five, you're welcome.
Yeah, he's always like can youguys wiggle your feet more?

Speaker 1 (01:13:08):
And we're like he likes it.
He likes it when we do the fasttoe shakes.
So weird.

Speaker 3 (01:13:13):
We're going to need some money.

Speaker 1 (01:13:16):
Watch dash cam three, six five is Kevin from O'Shea's
this episode.
Dash cam 365 is kevin fromo'shea's this, this episode.

Speaker 2 (01:13:27):
He's gonna hear it and be like oh shit, that's me,
those are her toes.
Like those are her toes, I'vebeen missing this this entire
time.
Put my venmo in the bottom ofthis okay, totally, totally, um.

Speaker 3 (01:13:37):
So also, before we sat down, you said something
about this journey and thelessons not being as obvious.
Yeah, and I think we shouldtalk about that a little bit,
because that happens often.
And those are the journeys thatI think people really have a
hard time integrating, becauseyou come out of it and you don't

(01:13:59):
know what to do with it.
Integrating because you comeout of it and you don't know
what to do with it.
So I usually tell people, like,if it felt good in it, anything
that doesn't feel like thatoutside of it is where you need
to move, where you need to takeaction.
So, like, remember that feelingof like connection with that
you had with yourself and focuson that and anything that takes

(01:14:23):
away from that is where youshould be, like, putting your
focus on changing.

Speaker 2 (01:14:29):
So honestly, even so, at the end of this journey.
So after you know I I came outof the deep part and I get a
little frisky and whatever Icrashed like instant.
I mean I don't even know whatit was, but like I was flitting
around the room and we werehaving a good time and then,
yeah, you got exhausted and Iwent and laid down and that's
where I mean I she goes.

(01:14:50):
Okay, you were here and you areall the way down here now and it
just came out of nowhere and Isat there and then that's where
we talked a lot and some of it Iremember, and I, because I
remember I kept bringing up myex and she was like again, gotta
let it go, like, and I was likeI have, and she's like you
haven't, yeah, keep.

(01:15:12):
Everything relates back to him.
And I always thought of it aslike well, that's the easiest
thing that I've known.
You know, I've known him for solong, like that's the easiest
thing.
But then again I was like, wait, I don't think I actually have
let go.
I don't think I have, because Ido.
I keep still bringing him upand you know, we sat there and
we talked about a lot of stuffand about doing instead of just,
you know, taking this and goingfrom there, and I mean I can't

(01:15:35):
remember how long we laid thereand talked.

Speaker 1 (01:15:37):
You are also someone who is very all and it's perfect
or it's nothing.

Speaker 2 (01:15:43):
Yeah, I am very black and white and all or nothing
Like.
I'm one of those people where,you know, they say like, oh,
just go for a walk for 10minutes.
And I'm like, 10 minutes isn'tgoing to do anything, I'm not
going to do it.
And then you know, I haven'ttaken a walk for four years now.

Speaker 3 (01:15:58):
Think of all those 10 minutes and how much that would
have added up.

Speaker 2 (01:16:00):
Yes, instead of like.
In my mind it's like you haveto work out for 60 minutes and
be sweaty.

Speaker 3 (01:16:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:16:05):
So I that's kind of everywhere in my life I'm like
that, which is another thingthat I'm working on, and so you
know, I crashed for a little bit.
We talked a lot.
We talked about my human design, about how I'm a generator and
these types to leave.
And I remember in the firstjourney, when she left, I mean I
was still like I said, ridingthis high, floating around, went
outside.
Well, after she left, I mean Ihaven't told you this, but I got

(01:16:29):
angry, like angry, and I wentand I sat on my back porch and I
was sitting there because Ilike to at least be in nature
afterwards Just makes me feel alot better and I just kept
sitting there thinking and Ihadn't really dug through it yet
and I thought, okay, nothingcame up, did it even do anything
?
I feel like all it did waspretty much just reiterate that

(01:16:49):
like, yeah, you're a littlefucked up when it comes to
intimacy, babe.
I guess that is what it is.
And I just sat there likestewing on my back porch for
another probably two hours, ohwow, and came back in, went and
laid on the couch for a longtime.
Same thing the next.
So then I thought, you knowwhat we'll go to bed and like

(01:17:10):
the next couple days will bebetter.
I'll get that high back.
No, never got it, not the waythat.
It was the first time.
And I started getting mad and Iwas like, and I even went
through a phase where I was like, well, that was pointless, oh,
shit, yeah, and I even.
So, it's a couple of people atwork, um knew that I was doing
it again and I had come back towork and I was there for two or

(01:17:30):
three days and then I was lateron, I was telling one of the
girls about it and she goes, I'mnot going to lie, something a
little different.
She said, especially after yourfirst one, the way you were, I
was expecting more and it's notthere.
I said, yeah, and I don't knowwhy.
I don't know why.
And so then that's where youknow we had talked about that.
That's where then it hit me.

(01:17:51):
It was like, okay, you can't,there's nothing for you to hide
behind.
You can't hide behind the high,you can't hide behind the goofy
and the funny that there's.
There's nothing, there's nobarrier, there's nothing there
that you are that deal with it.
This is it.
Deal with it.
Like it almost was like theshrooms this time saying like,

(01:18:12):
hey, we threw you a bone lasttime.
Hey, you know, we gave you that, we, we eased you into it.
It's over, babe, this time yougot to do it.
Yeah, no more spoon feedingthis time.
It's you time, time to do it.
And that's really how it felt.
And so we had talked, christineand I had talked about how I
was a generator, and so Ithought, okay, first step, let

(01:18:32):
me just see what that entailslike for my human design.
And I'm reading there and itsays that generators are ruled
by their sacral chakra.
So I thought, okay, I don'treally know anything, just where
all that?

Speaker 3 (01:18:44):
sexual stuff is.

Speaker 2 (01:18:45):
Yeah.
So I start looking into mysacral chakra and it's like if
your sacral chakra is blocked,you experience loss of intimacy,
fear of intimacy, like issueswith creativity.
And I even had to tell her likeI had painted my front door
months ago.
I'm talking like six months ago.
Did I send this to tell herlike I had painted my front door
months ago?
I'm talking like six months ago.
Did I send this to you?

(01:19:05):
No, oh, it's horrendous, so bad.
It's the inside of my frontdoor, like six or seven months
ago.
I just was like 1130 at nightand I thought I'm going to paint
that.
And so I got the bright idea.
I was going to paint it pinkwith clouds on it, because I
thought that would be so pretty,like with clouds on it, because
I thought that would be sopretty, like I had an idea in my
head.
It's miserable, right?
It's so bad, so so bad.

Speaker 1 (01:19:24):
It just looks like white.

Speaker 2 (01:19:25):
She has like white blobs on her door.
It's bad, it doesn't look likeclouds and it's the wrong shade
of pink.
So for literally six or sevenmonths, every time I walk by my

(01:19:46):
front door, I mean it still hasthe green painter's tape on it.
Every time I go just paint itback white and deal with it
later.
Like you're just staring atthis, I just paint, but like I'm
even my creativity like blocked, it's blocked, and so you know
it's like your sacral chakra nocreativity, loss of intimacy, um
, sexual dysfunction,irregularity in your
menstruating, and I'll have youknow not to get too in depth.
I've always been a regular.
I've had one period this year,one Damn.
I just had it like the weekbefore my birthday, march.

(01:20:08):
It was like a 97-day cycle.
I'd gone three months withoutone.
Your regular periods Tight hipswhich is me Lower back pain, I
mean all of these things, andI'm like motherfucker, oh shit,
okay, so at least it was likeall right, I have a plan now.
I'm going to work on my sacralchakra.

(01:20:30):
I'm going to open some stuff updown in the nether regions.
So I started doing a sacralchakra meditation.
It's a lot of humming, chanting, chanting, and I mean I just
found it on youtube and, youknow, even doing things like hip
, more hip openers, because Iwas so focused on my lower back

(01:20:51):
and oh, my lower back hurts allthe time and I thought, well,
let's do some hip openers, let'seven things as simple as like
uh, chakral, your sacral chakrais uh orange, the energy is
orange eating my fucking carrotsout of my pitcher carrots.
Sweet potatoes.
Uh citrus, like increased allmy orange foods like little tiny

(01:21:14):
steps like that?

Speaker 3 (01:21:15):
did you send her the chakra book that you and I have,
like the workbook I?

Speaker 2 (01:21:19):
think I did.
Yeah, the one you were workingon when you were there.

Speaker 1 (01:21:21):
Yes, yeah, I literally did it while she was
in.

Speaker 3 (01:21:26):
Yeah, because I don't think people think it's that
You're making it sound easy andit kind of is.
It really is.
It's like no, you can work onyour throat chakra by eating
more blue foods and you know,yeah, yeah, anyway, it's wild
how.

Speaker 1 (01:21:41):
It is simple.
It sounds pause.
What time is it?

Speaker 2 (01:21:44):
255 okay how much time you got like 15 20 minutes
okay, okay, I can rein it in.
Yeah, yeah it, it is simple,but it was like again, I just
had to do it.
Yeah, because then of course,my goes into this like well,

(01:22:05):
you're not going to healyourself by eating carrots,
you're not going to healyourself by just doing a
10-minute meditation, Likeyou've meditated before, Okay,
but I haven't done this onespecifically that focuses on,
like you know, that orange ballof energy and your sacrum.
I mean again to sound hippie woo.
I don't know if it's just aplacebo, whatever, but like

(01:22:26):
after three days of it feltbetter, Like felt a change, Holy
shit Already, and like even Imean I just I don't do enough of
that type of stuff.

Speaker 1 (01:22:37):
You really should do my root chakra journal, or sorry
, chakra journal.
Yeah, chakra journal.

Speaker 3 (01:22:48):
And that's the thing.
Like I'm like the one who, like, introduced you to the chakras
and the chakra book and I've gotthe bracelets and all the shit.
But like I have that book yeah,I've read the books.
I don't dive into it, andthat's what I was telling you
earlier.
Like the way that I've beendrawn to blues lately, like the
way that you've been drawn toreds, I'm like there's something
there and I literally just saidthat this morning I'm gonna,
I'm gonna buy it for you.
When I get home, buy what for me.

(01:23:09):
That journal, it's not the onethat I sent you.
I don't think so.

Speaker 1 (01:23:14):
Okay, okay okay, it might be different.
I don't know, maybe it is okay,well, what's?

Speaker 3 (01:23:19):
what's funny is that I quote, unquote put it in our
bio, put, put it.
Put the link in our bio.
Send it to me on Amazon below.

Speaker 2 (01:23:28):
I always quote unquote believed this stuff I
shouldn't say always, I meanrecently, you know but then I
don't know that I fully believedit would work and again went
back to I believes that Ibelieved it worked for others.
When my sister talks about itand I go, yeah, I told I get it.
For others, when my sistertalks about it and I go, yeah, I
get it, I don't think you'recrazy, I totally get it.

(01:23:49):
When I hear you guys talk aboutit, I'm like, yeah, man, I get
it.
But again it went back to it'snot going to work for me and it
was like I just believed ithappened, but I'm not going to
do it right.
So if I'm not doing it right andthen so it has morphed into,
like I said, in the last twoweeks, intention for me has been

(01:24:13):
so and I think part of it was,you know, when I was growing up
religious.
You know there was prayer and Ialways was under the impression
I had to get my words right.
You have to ask for thingscorrectly and you have to make
sure you're in the right mindsetand blah, blah, blah.
And if I don't say it exactlythe way that I need, then God's
not going to provide that Damn.
And so for now, when we talk,you know, whenever I think about

(01:24:36):
manifestation or intention oranything like that, I have
always thought, oh crap, if Idon't word this exactly
correctly I could do, maybe Icould get get the wrong thing.
And then it was like it'sintention, it's energy, it's,
it's being open to things.
You know, instead of being solike, sometimes I'm really
really specific in my intentions.

(01:24:58):
You know, I wanted a new.
I got a new job recently and itwas like I wanted a certain
hours and I wanted this bonusand I wanted a certain pay.
And I went in and interviewedand some of those things were up
in the air and I kept thinking,well, I was trying to do some
intentions and I thought, well,I'll be okay if it's not this
and I'll take less pay and I'lltake the, it'll be, that's

(01:25:20):
enough.
And then finally I went what?
Why can't I ask for exactlywhat I want?
Oh, why can't I?
Why can't I do that?
And so I like, at the end ofthe interview I was like, uh,
they said, what hours do youwant?
I want these hours and I wouldreally like if I could get a
bonus and I would really like tomake this much money.
I got everything, everythingeverything.

Speaker 1 (01:25:44):
So you texted me this and you said this was just like
a week and a half ago, week ago, whatever.
And you said like we need tomeet up soon.
I have been manifesting thefuck out of my life.
I got a new job, thirtythousand dollar,000 bonus, you

(01:26:05):
know, whatever.
And then you said somethingabout your personal, like
romantic stuff and I was likeholy shit, bitch.
And then I texted Leah theother night and I was like we
should have her on because Iwant to hear it and I want to

(01:26:25):
hear about it while she's on airbecause I just I feel like
she's such a great storytellerand I just but also because you
have been doing the fucking workand now you know what that
looks like and being open todoing new things.

Speaker 3 (01:26:44):
And you know what that looks like and being open
to doing new things and you knowwhat that looks like, and it's
like it's kind of like beforeyou got into the woo and you
would like hear me talking aboutit and be like, oh my, this
bitch is crazy but then, likeyou did it, I didn't think you
were crazy I know I didn't thinkI would experience.

Speaker 1 (01:26:59):
That's what I meant.

Speaker 3 (01:27:00):
That's what I meant to say like you were, like
seeing it and like that's greatthat it works for you.
I believed you.
I've just never had thatexperience and I didn't believe
I could yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:27:10):
Until I did.

Speaker 3 (01:27:11):
Yep, that's exactly to me.
That is what spirituality iswhen you experience it yourself,
and I hate to.
I can say this in front of you,because like you have the same
type of religious trauma that Ihave.
I never experienced anythingreligious, they were just.
My mom would always be like youjust have to have faith and I'm

(01:27:34):
like I don't know what thatmeans.
So I didn't.

Speaker 1 (01:27:38):
I never felt or experienced anything from
religion, because it was alwaysoutside of you.

Speaker 2 (01:27:45):
Yeah, where spirituality is what's inside of
you, because there was no, Iwasn't allowed to explore or
question or any of that.
The religion that we grew up inwas.
We were told that this is whatit is and this is what you need
to believe and this is what youshould feel, and this is this.
And I kept sitting therethinking I don't.

(01:28:06):
So I must be a bad Christianbecause you know you go to some
kind of service and you know Ican feel God move and I'm like
where?

Speaker 3 (01:28:16):
Or like I can't, I think it's a breeze, Like I know
a lot of Christians who arelike, oh, I could never go see a
medium that goes against myreligion, that type of stuff.
But then I'm like but you'relistening to a man say he talked
to God last night and is havingdreams and prophecies, and what
do you think a medium is?

Speaker 2 (01:28:39):
It just like you said , spirituality is so it's so
personal.
Like you said, spirituality isso it's so personal, it's so and
that's why, like that, if youwant to be buddhist, taoist,
that's.
That's the other thing about itis I thought.

Speaker 1 (01:28:52):
because of growing up in religion, I thought but I
didn't have the religious traumalike you guys, but it's still
conditioning, yeah, but Ithought spirituality, I'm not
like you.
I don't fit into this box oflike these people who come on
social media and they're like,um, this is the profound thing
I'm going to say to you on myreel.

(01:29:14):
Like I'm goofy and I'm funnyand so I didn't think that I
would fit in that.

Speaker 3 (01:29:19):
Oh, you didn't think you would fit into that Right.

Speaker 1 (01:29:22):
Because I was like I'm silly and I watched Bravo.

Speaker 3 (01:29:25):
There's no box.
With religion I meanspirituality.
There's no box.

Speaker 1 (01:29:28):
Now I know that, yeah , I can be whatever I want to be
.
You can be whatever you want tobe, and believe whatever you
want to believe, as long as Iget to just be and you're not
wrong, right In, whatever you'rethinking or feeling or doing.
But that's too.
What I love about this podcastis I think there is that thought
that I'm not this, I'm not her,I'm not her, I'm not this whole

(01:29:53):
thing.
You don't have to be.
I can't be that, but I thinkthat we do a good job of showing
people they don't have to be.

Speaker 3 (01:30:03):
Remember I said that before I was like I think
sometimes people saw how Istarted getting into crystals
and getting into and they werelike if I do mushrooms, I'm
going to turn into that and I'mlike, no, you won't, you'll just
be more.

Speaker 1 (01:30:15):
I thought I had to do the sage.
I still don't do the sage.
I still don't do the crystals.
I don't do do all that.
I do my own thing.

Speaker 2 (01:30:21):
Yeah, I think spirituality meets you where you
are.
Yeah, it doesn't say I'm overhere, come to me, come to me.
I think it says I'm going to goand I'm going to meet you
exactly where you are.
Clip, and it's that's what.
That's what it is to me andthat's when I finally started
finding things that weremeaningful to me.
And finding myself is when Iwas trying to like force myself

(01:30:42):
over here and go over here andmaybe I'll to me.
And finding myself Is when Iwas trying to like Force myself
over here and go over here andmaybe I'll try this, and instead
I was like why don't I just sithere and see what happens and
Love that?
This is?
It has found me and it hasconnected me With like minded
people that I can share mythoughts with and like it has

(01:31:10):
been the best thing.

Speaker 3 (01:31:11):
You guys, I'm vibing so hard right now and this I can
feel it did it just hit you.
How long has it been?
Yeah, it's been about an hour40 minutes.
Her eyes behind her glasses.
You took the amanita, I did not.
You and your thc.
I can't.
That's why I said I was like Iam so in alignment with the both

(01:31:31):
of you right now I'm like Idon't want to be that you don't
have to.

Speaker 1 (01:31:37):
I'm so weird and I didn't think I was spiritual
come on, just Just give me some,you are in your own way.
Just give me some Amanita and Iam Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:31:49):
Remember that pin we put in earlier and I said I want
to come back to it.
I'm not really Okay.
Yeah, the anxiety, when you weretalking about how, before this
journey, you had so much anxietyand we have touched on this I
don't think people I thinkpeople try so hard to get rid of

(01:32:10):
their anxiety and they're likeI just want it to be gone, I
don't want to have it anymore.
And I see it in a different way.
I think that anxiety is aninvitation to move.
I think that anxiety is aninvitation to move and the way
that you said that earlier, howyou had so much anxiety building
up before this journey I willadmit, I have anxiety before

(01:32:34):
every journey because you don'tknow what's going to happen, but
you're trusting the processYou're in a very vulnerable
state, yeah, so I think it'snormal to have anxiety.
And then you said and then thisvoice in the back of my head
said that's exactly why you needit.

Speaker 2 (01:32:54):
Yes, because I don't think anxiety is a base level
emotion, the same way that Idon't think that anger is a base
level emotion.
Right, when someone's angry,they say I'm angry.
It's like no, you're not,there's something under there
there's something there.
Either you're sad or you feellike you're out of control.

Speaker 3 (01:33:09):
Anxiety is not a feeling or an emotion.
It's a feeling it's not anemotion.

Speaker 2 (01:33:13):
Yeah, it's to me, it's a response to something
else.

Speaker 3 (01:33:16):
Yes, and mine was.
I was feeling a little bit outof control.
That makes perfect sense,because this is what I was
trying to say.
Like we say all the time, likeyou know people who start
microdosing and they're likewell, then I started feeling
more anxious and I'm like well,take a look at when and where
you're feeling anxious and andtry to understand why it's

(01:33:38):
making you feel that way.
Is it because is it at work?
Do you feel anxious when you'renot putting up boundaries, or
you're not saying what you needto say, or you're taking on too
much?
Or do you feel anxious around acertain person?

Speaker 2 (01:33:50):
Because anxiety is not always bad.

Speaker 1 (01:33:52):
Right, you need anxiety.
You need it.
Let's just survive.

Speaker 2 (01:33:55):
To me.
I think we've morphed this gutfeeling into anxiety and I need
to tamp it down and it's like no.
That's your intuition andyou're like you know you go out
to the bar and you're like, oh,sleaze over there in the corner
has given me the ick Like you'regood.
Sometimes you just get anxietyand that's good.
Your body's saying you maybeyou need to move away.

Speaker 1 (01:34:15):
Be friends with that.

Speaker 2 (01:34:16):
Yes, be friends with that.

Speaker 3 (01:34:29):
I need you to, not with the creep in the corner,
but the anxiety that's coming up.
It's there for a reason, but Ithink a lot of times drinking
numbs that anxiety until thenext day and then you're like
even more highly anxious.
And another thing that likeamplifies anxiety is caffeine.
And I don't think peoplerealize that, like if you are
already an anxious person andyou're drinking caffeine every
day is only going to make youmore anxious, literally.

Speaker 2 (01:34:41):
I work with a guy who is the most anxious person.
He walks in the door andimmediately he like, takes a
look at our board and it's likeI can't do this, what about this
?
And then he walks into thebreak room and starts shoving a
monster and it's like my dudebless him.
No, we don't like him but, youknow that that's not making you

(01:35:01):
feel better.
I don't know that.

Speaker 3 (01:35:03):
People know that I've had people say to me before,
like when microdosing, and I tryto explain, like try not to
microdose and drink coffee,because if you're already
anxious about microdosing you'regonna be even more anxious and
it's gonna amplify that.
They're like I didn't knowcaffeine caused anxiety and I'm
like I thought everybody knewthat.
But okay, maybe it's just thebubble that I live in, but okay,

(01:35:24):
but yes, it causes anxiety.
But to your point, like it'snecessary.
And I was telling her, likethere have been people in my
life who brought me so muchanxiety.
I would have the anxiety if Isaw their number pop up or I saw
them calling me and I'd be like, oh my God, I don't want to do
this and it was there for areason.
They weren't, they weren't forme and I had to put up

(01:35:50):
boundaries.
And then there are times when Ihave anxiety.
And this is where I was saying,where my 16 year old son is
driving and I'm in the passengerseat and I'm like, and I'm like
that I'm not trying to get ridof that, that's going to be
there, because my kid islearning how to drive.

Speaker 1 (01:36:03):
And you want to be safe and you want him to be safe
.

Speaker 2 (01:36:05):
Yes, and I think there are levels of anxiety.
Where they there, it's becauseof nothing.
I mean, there's even been timeswhere I've said I feel anxious,
there's no, I'm sitting in mybed and like to me, but I think
facing it is when you then learnto pull the two of them apart.

(01:36:26):
Yes, am I actually anxiousabout something?
Am I anxious about work?
Am I anxious about this?
Or am I just having anxietybecause I'm laying in bed and
that's where I go?
Because I still think, you know, I'm off of all of my
pharmaceutical drugs, off of allmy antidepressants and
anti-anxiety meds.
I don't think it's a problem ifpeople still take them.
I think some people do need totake anti-anxiety medication.

(01:36:48):
It's fine, but I still Maybethey don't have tools to.
They might not have tools, butI still think it is obviously
beneficial for you to learn tosay this is the type of anxiety
that my medication can handle,because it has no source, it has
no meaning, it's just, that'sjust an imbalance, and that's a
highly anxious person and that'sthe anxiety that my medication

(01:37:12):
needs to take care of, orthere's the anxiety that I need
to dig in and I need to tear thetwo apart.
Like situational anxietysituational anxiety, where it's
a job or a person or whatever,and that's where you need to
take action on it and I need toget away from that.
And that's where, before thisjourney, when I was having this
anxiety, I thought it hadnothing, I thought it was
sourceless and I'm going oh, whyis my heart rate going, why?

(01:37:34):
And then that's where I satdown and it was like what are we
feeling?
Are you afraid?
Are you?
Do you really not want to do it?
Are you like what?
Where is this?
Why are you cleaning yourbathroom?
You never clean your bathroom.
Why are you cleaning yourbathroom?
And that's where I had to sitdown and say what is the source
of you freaking out right now?
And it was fear, because I knewthat my shit was going to be

(01:37:57):
shown and I wasn't quite sure Iwanted to face it.
And so the anxiety was sayingyou need to run away.
You need to run away, becausewho wants to see all the crap?
Who wants to sit there for anhour and go?
These are all the problems thatare wrong with you and you need
to fix this.
Nobody wants to see that.
Yeah, but the more that I havethese journeys and the more that

(01:38:17):
I tack on to the end and Iexpand the things that my tools
and the things that I need tolearn.
That's where I go.
The end and I expand the thingsthat, my tools and the things
that I need to learn.
That's where I go.
Who wants to be shown theirshit?
And now I'm going, I do, Showme my shit, I do, I want to know
.
I don't want to hide anymore.
I want them to show me.
I, like I need to know, and Ibecause, show me what to do next

(01:38:41):
, show me what you do next,because each little minuscule
kind of mountain that I'veovercome with my mother, with my
ex, with my divorce, with this,every time I deal with this
anxiety and this and I get shownmy shit, it's so much better on
the other side, dude it's somuch better.

Speaker 1 (01:38:59):
Therapist Carol Ann is crushing it at her job.

Speaker 2 (01:39:06):
Like therapist, carol ann is crushing it at her job.

Speaker 3 (01:39:07):
Like god, carol ann, you are one of her real name
literally I was like you werelike I love carol and I'm like
do you know, carol?

Speaker 1 (01:39:12):
the whole time she was saying that I was like I
love carol ann would be so proudof these words I love carol ann
yes, I do.

Speaker 2 (01:39:19):
She's a good one and she's a good one and she dresses
so well.
Okay, she's so cute.
I don't know if she's out therelistening, but I do love her.
She's great.
We do EMDR together.

Speaker 1 (01:39:30):
Love that and she's wonderful, but that was all.
But that it does, it's justbeautiful.
It was it just feels.

Speaker 2 (01:39:37):
It feels so much better and I keep that in mind
every single time I think it'sreally crappy it's going to feel
better.
And you know, some people mightsay that's really basic and if
that's what it takes to get methere, then that's fine, it
doesn't matter how simple itdoesn't matter how basic, but
just to remind myself that onthe other side of this I'm going

(01:39:58):
to be happier more welladjusted.

Speaker 3 (01:40:00):
How many times have we said that, though Like we're,
like we go through shit, thoughOur lives aren't perfect, we
just go through it in adifferent way and we don't get
stuck in it because we know thatthere is another side to it and
it seems like the more practiceyou have, the easier it is to
handle when you're in the throesof it and in the thick of it.

(01:40:22):
So I wanted to say that becauseI was like setting the table up
for our new setup, by the way,that we did just for you, I love
it To our creepers out there.
I like being the center ofattention and I found this set
of cards that I bought, like howlong ago, like a year ago,
never opened the box.

Speaker 2 (01:40:40):
Hold on.

Speaker 3 (01:40:43):
Where are they at?
Oh, there's my fingernail.
I lost a fingernail, notfingernail, it's just gel.
It's polish, it's polish.
I lost a gel polish.
I went down at the beginning ofthe episode.
I was like what happened to myfinger?
um okay cards against anxietyand I'm I'm actually going to

(01:41:05):
gift this to a friend whomessaged me and was just like,
when you are feeling like thisway, what do you do?
And I was like I have a timeoutcorner in my bedroom and I go
in there and I like watch mytrashy tv because I don't want
to blow up on my kids and myhusband, and I feel my feels and
I'm in timeout.
I go to my corner.
I was like find a safe place inyour home and go to your corner

(01:41:27):
, go to my mind palace, my mindpalace, my safe place.
But it's a book, but it comeswith these cards and I want to.
I'm going to gift them to herbecause I'm like put these cards
in your timeout corner and justpull one.
And each one is a way to likemove through anxiety.
So there's square breathing,love your belly, which is like

(01:41:48):
rest a hand on your belly,breathe in deeply through the
nose and fill your belly, expandoutwards, then breathe out
through your mouth as the bellyrelaxes back.
There's like all these littletricks and tips in here that
like do a body scan, sit or, andthen it tells you on the back
of it exactly what to do youneed to link that for people who
want it for sure will.
I'm like totally want to buy it.
I bought it because thepackaging is so fucking pretty

(01:42:11):
obvi never opened it until todayand I was like oh, that could
not scream leah more right if Icould just like dip myself in
this.
Yeah, yeah, you're like a likea sherbert cone or something.

Speaker 1 (01:42:24):
She's totally sherbert.

Speaker 2 (01:42:25):
She is very sherbert oh, and I love her what's that
movie?

Speaker 1 (01:42:37):
silence of the lambs like hello, like I think that
guy's sexy, yeah, but like in abut in a like, in a tearing way
oh in a non-cannibalistic wayokay and like

Speaker 3 (01:42:50):
yeah, you're cool, much kinder, I would be okay
with you doing it.

Speaker 1 (01:42:55):
I'd be okay with you locking me in your basement.

Speaker 2 (01:42:59):
Girly pop hannibal.

Speaker 3 (01:43:00):
Hannibal, the millennial Hannibal.

Speaker 2 (01:43:06):
You know Hannibal with bows in his hair, Jesus.

Speaker 3 (01:43:10):
Christ, that went weird.

Speaker 2 (01:43:11):
It's okay, we're here for it, she made it weird she
always makes it weird.

Speaker 3 (01:43:15):
I love that you said that about me?

Speaker 2 (01:43:17):
You do, you do.

Speaker 3 (01:43:19):
We're all so fucking weird, like the conversations we
had before we hit record like Iwish we had been recording then
, but kind of glad we weren't.
All right, I am loving thiswhole journey.
I've loved this journey for youfrom the beginning, but like I
think it also goes to show thatthis journey is not a one and

(01:43:40):
done.
You're not healed.
Each step is a step to anotherstep, each lesson is a lesson
for another lesson and you'reconstantly building your tools
up and you're constantlybuilding up your tolerance to
the shit that we call life.

Speaker 2 (01:43:59):
And I think it can be overwhelming to go.
The healing is never ending.
It's never ending and you gofor a while there.
I went seriously.
It's never going to be done.
And now I go it's never going tobe done.
I get to do this, I get, I getto keep doing it because again,
it's just one more thing I getto learn, and then like, maybe

(01:44:22):
if I learn it, I get to learn,and then like, maybe if I learn
it I get to tell somebody else,and then maybe they get to tell
somebody else, and so now it'smore.
I see it as this gift.
I don't like the word blessing,yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:44:32):
We'll go with gift.

Speaker 2 (01:44:33):
I see it as a gift that I get to.
I get to keep doing it, becausewhat's the other option?

Speaker 1 (01:44:38):
And we are just spiritual beings here to have a
human experience, and so we gotto do the human shit while we're
here.

Speaker 3 (01:44:46):
Do you know?
I've said before like there arepeople in my life who I like
look at and I'm like why didthey get the easy way?
Like, why don't they have to dothe work?

Speaker 1 (01:44:55):
And.

Speaker 3 (01:44:55):
I remember feeling like this my first year doing
the work, being like why do Ihave to be the one that has to
do this?
And that person gets to do thisand this and this and they
don't have to do any of thisinner self work or self
reflection.
And now I'm like, oh, that'stheir karma.
They aren't doing this and theyare miserable on the inside.

(01:45:16):
They would never admit to that,but I know they are because I
used to be that.
I know they are, so that is whyI'd look at it as a gift now
instead of a curse.
I think a lot of times peoplein the beginning of this work
feel like it's daunting and Ithink maybe I've told you, maybe

(01:45:37):
we've talked about it, jason inthe beginning was like I wish
I'd never known.
I think a lot of people thinkthat in the beginning like life
was easier before I knew thisshit.
And then you get over that humpof that and you're like, oh,
but I wouldn't go back now.
There's no way I would go back.
Oh God, no.

Speaker 1 (01:45:54):
Yep.

Speaker 3 (01:45:55):
I'm really happy that you're on the other side.
Thank you, me too Any closingstatements, any life lessons or
anything we want to put outthere for anybody before we go.
I feel like you said it all butI'm going to try.
What's your favorite monsterporn book?

Speaker 2 (01:46:13):
Oh God.

Speaker 1 (01:46:14):
We'll link it, you'll never leave me alone.

Speaker 3 (01:46:18):
I kind of want to read one.

Speaker 2 (01:46:19):
I'm just saying like it's a curiosity thing, for me
it's not a judgment, it's acuriosity.

Speaker 3 (01:46:22):
Do you want male?
I'm just saying I'm going toread one.
It's a curiosity thing for me.
It's not a judgment, it's acuriosity.
I'm going to read one.

Speaker 2 (01:46:25):
Do you want male male , or do you want male female?

Speaker 3 (01:46:27):
I want male, female Is there female, female.

Speaker 2 (01:46:28):
I need, like there's some female female.

Speaker 3 (01:46:30):
I haven't read a lot I'll do, male, female.
Let's start with that.

Speaker 2 (01:46:40):
Yeah, I don't even know what that is, but I want it
.
I don't know.
I don't even know what that is,I don't know.

Speaker 1 (01:46:49):
if you do because you don't know what it means, I
don't know, that's my life motto.

Speaker 3 (01:46:52):
I don't know what it is, but I want it.
I don't know what the Peggy'sthough.

Speaker 1 (01:46:55):
I'm not sure.

Speaker 2 (01:46:57):
We're going to find out.
It's hot, okay, it's hot.

Speaker 3 (01:47:00):
It's hot, okay, hey, don't knock it till you, try it.
And it's real short, real, realshort.
Okay, perfect read.
All right, I'll read it thisweekend and on that note, and on
that note um, I hope you guysenjoy Allie as much as we do.
And her footsies Tell me I'mfunny.

Speaker 2 (01:47:19):
Tell all your friends I'm so funny.
I thought you meant like rightnow, I'm like you are funny.

Speaker 3 (01:47:23):
Yeah, tell me, I'm funny, you're so funny.

Speaker 2 (01:47:24):
Oh, my God thanks, oh my God Believe that.

Speaker 3 (01:47:27):
Believe that?
Okay, I believe it.
Okay, stay curious, be open.
We'll see you guys on the otherside.

Speaker 2 (01:47:33):
Bye.

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80 | It's Time to Do The Work Now (with Ally)

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}80 | It's Time to Do The Work Now (with Ally)