May 1, 2024 • 15 mins
Master the art of effective communication and unlock the power of self-care in this thought-provoking episode. Join us as we explore the intricate dynamics of expressing our needs and feelings, even in the face of past traumas that may hold us back. Discover actionable strategies for approaching conversations without taking things personally and learn how to assertively advocate for yourself. Our expert guest shares invaluable insights on the importance of active listening and choosing the right moment for dialogue to reduce defensive reactions. Get ready to confidently navigate challenging conversations and prioritize your own self-advocacy for a healthier and more fulfilling life.
In the second part of this episode, we dive into the principles of personal growth through self-care. Reflect on three pivotal questions that can transform your life and gain a fresh perspective on the importance of surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals who inspire you. Understand that while change is within your control, it is not your responsibility to change others. Embrace the power of shifting your perspective to overcome life's challenges and embark on a journey of transformation. Don't miss this empowering discussion that will leave you motivated to prioritize self-care and pursue your dreams with unwavering determination.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Self-Care Society podcast with
your hosts Celia Williamson,ashley Kuchar, louie Guardiola
and Keri Shaw, a podcast devotedto those whose job it is to
help others get or remainmentally, physically and
emotionally healthy, but whoalso need to take care of
themselves.
And how we're going to do this?
(00:22):
By first showing you thefiltered, pretty version of
success, and then the realstruggles, real work and raw
grit it took to get there, howthey took care of themselves and
also achieved their goals whiledoing it Together.
We will work with you toimprove and maintain your
internal health and growth,while helping you achieve your
(00:42):
external goals and your nextprofessional achievement in life
, and we're excited to show youhow to follow your own
individual and unique path andachieve the dreams you have
while taking good care ofyourself.
So let's get started.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Welcome back everyone to the self-care podcast.
I am LaShonna Alfred and todayI want to talk to you about
effective communication, withkeeping in mind that sometimes
we may tell ourselves that whatwe have to say don't matter.
We may feel like individualsare not listening to us or don't
(01:23):
even care about what it is thatwe have to say, or maybe
sometimes you may find yourselfshutting down Wherever you find
yourself.
As you're listening to thispodcast, I want you to just
notice how your system respondsto what I'm going to share with
you today.
Oftentimes, when we're engagingin a conversation and someone
(01:50):
says something that appearsharsh, if you find yourself
shutting down, that can be aresult of some earlier
unprocessed trauma trauma Ifyou're presently in a present
day conversation with children,spouses, supervisor, whoever it
(02:19):
may be, and their responsetriggers you to shut down.
I want you to pause and reallythink about an earlier time that
you felt your voice didn'tmatter, or earlier time that you
tried to communicate your needsand you didn't get the results
that you have.
A lot of us are walking throughthis thing called life, with
bags, bags, cartons, right Bott,bottles of unprocessed trauma,
(02:45):
unhealed areas in our lives, andsome of us don't even recognize
it.
But today I want to share withyou a couple of steps, some
principles that has helped me inmy own life to effectively
communicate, and number one isnot taking anything personal.
I've learned in my own life thatI'm not in control of how
(03:06):
another person thinks, how theyfeel, how they respond any of
that.
I'm only in control of how Ithink, react and respond and, in
this case, how I communicate.
And so whenever I find myselfgetting ready to deal with or
confront a challenging situation, one of the things or one of
the questions I ask myself iswhat is my motive?
(03:28):
What is my motive for going tomy supervisor about this?
What is my motive for going tomy spouse about this?
What is my motive for talkingto my children about this?
Because if my motive isanything other than what's in my
control, I may find myselftriggered.
I may find myself frustrated,hurt, angry, right.
(03:51):
What do I mean if I go into aconversation, you know, with a
motive of another person'sresponse?
Well, the thing is is that Idon't know how my supervisor
will respond when I go to him orher and ask them about a raise.
I don't know how they're goingto respond, but I do know that
(04:13):
if I go to them about a raise,that they heard my request Now,
whether they give me the raiseor not, does not mean they
didn't hear me, does not meanthey didn't hear me.
And so we have to heal fromother earlier experiences that
may have us putting our voiceson mute, how we feel on mute and
(04:34):
learning how not to assumepeople should know.
So here we are hard worker,coming in early, staying late.
We should just assume, right,we will assume that our
supervisor will recognize ourhard work and say, hey, you
deserve a raise.
Well, that sounds good and thatwould be nice, but oftentimes
it doesn't happen like that.
We have to begin to advocatefor ourselves.
(04:57):
So you know, if you're in arelationship, you may want your
partner to recognize that you'retired and you need some help,
but the reality is, if you don'tcommunicate it, they may not
just willingly offer help indifferent situations.
So today I really want to helpyou with a few strategies on
(05:18):
communicating your need, and thefirst one is clarity.
You want to make sure youclearly state what you need,
right, without any room formisinterpretation.
Be clear about what you need.
I often say to my husband.
I say you don't have to guesswhat I need because I'm going to
communicate it.
(05:39):
You don't have to guess, youdon't have to think that maybe
what I'm saying is not reallywhat I mean, because I'm going
to say what I mean and I meanexactly what I said.
And that may sound harsh butthat came from years of feeling
unheard, years of silence in myvoice, right and going alone
(06:00):
just to get alone.
So number one is clarity Beclear about your need.
Number two is assertive right.
When we're talking aboutassertive is literally
expressing your needsconfidently and respectfully.
Right, not trying to makesomeone see things the way you
see it or make someone do whatyou want them to do, but simply
(06:23):
owning how you see a thing, howyou feel about a thing and what
you think about them.
So assertiveness is number two.
Number four or number three,I'm sorry is timing.
Choose the right moment tocommunicate your needs.
Pay attention, oftentimes Ifind people trying to
communicate a need during a highargument right, where emotions
(06:48):
are high, and that's not thetime to communicate a need
because no one is listening.
So you want to choose the rightmoment to communicate.
And if I know that me and myspouse is in a disagreement and
he's in his corner.
I'm in my corner.
That may not be the time for meto choose to communicate about
(07:10):
something else that irritated me.
He's not listening.
The defenses are going to comeup, so timing is very important.
Number four active listening.
Right, so you want to encourageothers to share their
perspective, right, share theirthoughts and feelings about what
you're bringing to the table,about the situation.
(07:30):
You want to literally be open,actively listen.
Because, again, to literally beopen, actively listen, because,
again, I've learned in my ownlife it's better for me to
listen so I can understandwhat's happening than for me to
really talk and be understood.
Even when I'm doing couplescounseling, one of the things I
realized and I helped thecouples understand is if
(07:53):
everybody's trying to be rightand if everybody is trying to be
heard, nobody is listening.
Did you hear that If everyoneis trying to be right and
everyone is trying to be heard,nobody is listening?
We're not leaving room toactively listen.
So we want to literally listenso we can understand.
(08:15):
That is an art and that has tobe intentional.
Number five is flexibility beingopen to negotiation and
compromise.
Right To meet mutual needs,whatever that is, it can be in
your family, familyrelationships, your business
relationships.
(08:35):
You want to be flexible and notso rigid in your stance, being
adaptable, making sure you'readjusting your communication
style to suit the situation.
Do your volume have to beturned up all the way to max?
What does that look like?
Because remember our cadence,our volume, our tone, all of
(08:59):
that, our body language, ourverbal and nonverbal cues, all
of that play a part in anotherperson's receptivity to what you
have to say.
Remember, depending on how youapproach a situation,
individuals may get defensive.
So really pay attention to whatyou're actually saying, how
(09:25):
you're actually saying it andhow your body is speaking.
In this situation, thosenonverbal cues are very
important.
Pay attention to that andlisten for feedback.
Right, you want to providespace for feedback.
Like, if you're talking for 15,20 minutes, people are going to
shut down.
If you say something and aperson is trying to get clarity
(09:48):
on something you say then andyou get defensive.
Now you feeling like someone isinterrupting you.
Then that's not going to begood healthy communication and
we're not going to be good,healthy communication and we're
not going to get anywhere.
And now I'm arguing about youinterrupting me and I'm not even
dealing with whatever it wasthat I was talking to you about
in the first place.
So now I'm just putting youknow, piling more stuff in my
(10:11):
frustration container or myfrustration box, and so just
being open and flexible whenyou're communicating, empathy,
being sensitive to otherfeelings and viewpoints so I may
not agree with you, but I canacknowledge and appreciate what
you're saying, I can hold whatyou're saying with some
(10:33):
compassion and some sympathy,without necessarily changing my
viewpoint about a matter.
So I believe that as wepractice some of these
principles when we'recommunicating, you'll notice
that your frustration level willminimize.
Will minimize Because oftenwe're interpreting a person's
(10:58):
behavior, a person's response,based on other or past
unprocessed trauma, unprocessedhurt, and so now it's hard for
me to be present because Ihaven't dealt with earlier
situations, earlier things thatmay have hurt me, earlier events
(11:26):
.
And so today, as you're goingthrough and embarking on the
month of May, I just encourageyou to change it up a little bit
.
Make up in your mind thatyou're not taking anything
personal.
Make up in your mind that ifit's something that you want to
change, you will change it.
Notice that if there'ssomething that you want to
(11:50):
change, you will change it andyou won't ask for permission.
I heard someone quote and theysaid change the people around
you or change the people aroundyou.
Change the people around you orchange the people around you
Right, so we know that we can'tchange people Like I can't
(12:13):
literally get inside of my childand make them do whatever it is
I want them to do.
I can't make you know a friendor associate or whatever be who
I think they should be.
But I can change how often I'dbe around them.
I can change my circle ofinfluence.
And so this whole thing of nonew friends will keep you stuck
(12:38):
in the past.
It's me opening myself up tonew friends, new influences,
that helped me in my career, mypersonal development, my
spiritual development and myemotional development.
And so, as you're listening tothis, really do some
self-assessing and ask yourselfa couple of questions.
(13:01):
One, do I like how I respond?
Two, do I like being easilyagitated or frustrated?
Three, am I willing to do whatit takes to make change?
Whatever you answer, whateveryour answer is to those three
(13:22):
questions, it will guide theremainder of your life and the
remainder of this year.
Whatever your answers are tothose three questions and I'm
saying you have the power tomake the change.
You have the power to do what'snecessary in order to protect
(13:43):
your peace, in order to grow upspiritually, emotionally,
mentally, physically,financially.
It's in your control.
I remember working for an agencyand I communicated my need.
(14:04):
They weren't willing to meetthat need, which was their
prerogative, which was in theircontrol.
But then I had a decision tomake Do I stay there or do I
change and look for somethingelse?
And that's what I did.
I had a choice.
It's the power of choice.
I did.
I had a choice.
(14:25):
It's the power of choice.
I made my requests known.
I believe I communicatedeffectively, they shared where
they were and I made a decisionto do what was best for me.
So I encourage you to take theseprinciples and see where you
can apply it in your life.
Ask yourself those threequestions.
(14:52):
Connect with some healthypeople, some individuals who may
be where you desire to be andwatch change take place.
Be encouraged wherever you are,as you're listening to this.
Change is possible and it's inyour control to change.
What's not in your control ischanging others.
(15:13):
You, literally, we can changeour perspective and our
perception about those around usand the things that we may go
through.
So again, happy May, happyself-care day.
Thank you for tuning in.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
That concludes this week's episode.
And remember, it's not selfish,it's self-care.
Welcome to the Self-Care Society podcast with
your hosts Celia Williamson,ashley Kuchar, louie Guardiola
and Keri Shaw, a podcast devotedto those whose job it is to
help others get or remainmentally, physically and
emotionally healthy, but whoalso need to take care of
themselves.
And how we're going to do this?
(00:22):
By first showing you thefiltered, pretty version of
success, and then the realstruggles, real work and raw
grit it took to get there, howthey took care of themselves and
also achieved their goals whiledoing it Together.
We will work with you toimprove and maintain your
internal health and growth,while helping you achieve your
(00:42):
external goals and your nextprofessional achievement in life
, and we're excited to show youhow to follow your own
individual and unique path andachieve the dreams you have
while taking good care ofyourself.
So let's get started.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Welcome back everyone to the self-care podcast.
I am LaShonna Alfred and todayI want to talk to you about
effective communication, withkeeping in mind that sometimes
we may tell ourselves that whatwe have to say don't matter.
We may feel like individualsare not listening to us or don't
(01:23):
even care about what it is thatwe have to say, or maybe
sometimes you may find yourselfshutting down Wherever you find
yourself.
As you're listening to thispodcast, I want you to just
notice how your system respondsto what I'm going to share with
you today.
Oftentimes, when we're engagingin a conversation and someone
(01:50):
says something that appearsharsh, if you find yourself
shutting down, that can be aresult of some earlier
unprocessed trauma trauma Ifyou're presently in a present
day conversation with children,spouses, supervisor, whoever it
(02:19):
may be, and their responsetriggers you to shut down.
I want you to pause and reallythink about an earlier time that
you felt your voice didn'tmatter, or earlier time that you
tried to communicate your needsand you didn't get the results
that you have.
A lot of us are walking throughthis thing called life, with
bags, bags, cartons, right Bott,bottles of unprocessed trauma,
(02:45):
unhealed areas in our lives, andsome of us don't even recognize
it.
But today I want to share withyou a couple of steps, some
principles that has helped me inmy own life to effectively
communicate, and number one isnot taking anything personal.
I've learned in my own life thatI'm not in control of how
(03:06):
another person thinks, how theyfeel, how they respond any of
that.
I'm only in control of how Ithink, react and respond and, in
this case, how I communicate.
And so whenever I find myselfgetting ready to deal with or
confront a challenging situation, one of the things or one of
the questions I ask myself iswhat is my motive?
(03:28):
What is my motive for going tomy supervisor about this?
What is my motive for going tomy spouse about this?
What is my motive for talkingto my children about this?
Because if my motive isanything other than what's in my
control, I may find myselftriggered.
I may find myself frustrated,hurt, angry, right.
(03:51):
What do I mean if I go into aconversation, you know, with a
motive of another person'sresponse?
Well, the thing is is that Idon't know how my supervisor
will respond when I go to him orher and ask them about a raise.
I don't know how they're goingto respond, but I do know that
(04:13):
if I go to them about a raise,that they heard my request Now,
whether they give me the raiseor not, does not mean they
didn't hear me, does not meanthey didn't hear me.
And so we have to heal fromother earlier experiences that
may have us putting our voiceson mute, how we feel on mute and
(04:34):
learning how not to assumepeople should know.
So here we are hard worker,coming in early, staying late.
We should just assume, right,we will assume that our
supervisor will recognize ourhard work and say, hey, you
deserve a raise.
Well, that sounds good and thatwould be nice, but oftentimes
it doesn't happen like that.
We have to begin to advocatefor ourselves.
(04:57):
So you know, if you're in arelationship, you may want your
partner to recognize that you'retired and you need some help,
but the reality is, if you don'tcommunicate it, they may not
just willingly offer help indifferent situations.
So today I really want to helpyou with a few strategies on
(05:18):
communicating your need, and thefirst one is clarity.
You want to make sure youclearly state what you need,
right, without any room formisinterpretation.
Be clear about what you need.
I often say to my husband.
I say you don't have to guesswhat I need because I'm going to
communicate it.
(05:39):
You don't have to guess, youdon't have to think that maybe
what I'm saying is not reallywhat I mean, because I'm going
to say what I mean and I meanexactly what I said.
And that may sound harsh butthat came from years of feeling
unheard, years of silence in myvoice, right and going alone
(06:00):
just to get alone.
So number one is clarity Beclear about your need.
Number two is assertive right.
When we're talking aboutassertive is literally
expressing your needsconfidently and respectfully.
Right, not trying to makesomeone see things the way you
see it or make someone do whatyou want them to do, but simply
(06:23):
owning how you see a thing, howyou feel about a thing and what
you think about them.
So assertiveness is number two.
Number four or number three,I'm sorry is timing.
Choose the right moment tocommunicate your needs.
Pay attention, oftentimes Ifind people trying to
communicate a need during a highargument right, where emotions
(06:48):
are high, and that's not thetime to communicate a need
because no one is listening.
So you want to choose the rightmoment to communicate.
And if I know that me and myspouse is in a disagreement and
he's in his corner.
I'm in my corner.
That may not be the time for meto choose to communicate about
(07:10):
something else that irritated me.
He's not listening.
The defenses are going to comeup, so timing is very important.
Number four active listening.
Right, so you want to encourageothers to share their
perspective, right, share theirthoughts and feelings about what
you're bringing to the table,about the situation.
(07:30):
You want to literally be open,actively listen.
Because, again, to literally beopen, actively listen, because,
again, I've learned in my ownlife it's better for me to
listen so I can understandwhat's happening than for me to
really talk and be understood.
Even when I'm doing couplescounseling, one of the things I
realized and I helped thecouples understand is if
(07:53):
everybody's trying to be rightand if everybody is trying to be
heard, nobody is listening.
Did you hear that If everyoneis trying to be right and
everyone is trying to be heard,nobody is listening?
We're not leaving room toactively listen.
So we want to literally listenso we can understand.
(08:15):
That is an art and that has tobe intentional.
Number five is flexibility beingopen to negotiation and
compromise.
Right To meet mutual needs,whatever that is, it can be in
your family, familyrelationships, your business
relationships.
(08:35):
You want to be flexible and notso rigid in your stance, being
adaptable, making sure you'readjusting your communication
style to suit the situation.
Do your volume have to beturned up all the way to max?
What does that look like?
Because remember our cadence,our volume, our tone, all of
(08:59):
that, our body language, ourverbal and nonverbal cues, all
of that play a part in anotherperson's receptivity to what you
have to say.
Remember, depending on how youapproach a situation,
individuals may get defensive.
So really pay attention to whatyou're actually saying, how
(09:25):
you're actually saying it andhow your body is speaking.
In this situation, thosenonverbal cues are very
important.
Pay attention to that andlisten for feedback.
Right, you want to providespace for feedback.
Like, if you're talking for 15,20 minutes, people are going to
shut down.
If you say something and aperson is trying to get clarity
(09:48):
on something you say then andyou get defensive.
Now you feeling like someone isinterrupting you.
Then that's not going to begood healthy communication and
we're not going to be good,healthy communication and we're
not going to get anywhere.
And now I'm arguing about youinterrupting me and I'm not even
dealing with whatever it wasthat I was talking to you about
in the first place.
So now I'm just putting youknow, piling more stuff in my
(10:11):
frustration container or myfrustration box, and so just
being open and flexible whenyou're communicating, empathy,
being sensitive to otherfeelings and viewpoints so I may
not agree with you, but I canacknowledge and appreciate what
you're saying, I can hold whatyou're saying with some
(10:33):
compassion and some sympathy,without necessarily changing my
viewpoint about a matter.
So I believe that as wepractice some of these
principles when we'recommunicating, you'll notice
that your frustration level willminimize.
Will minimize Because oftenwe're interpreting a person's
(10:58):
behavior, a person's response,based on other or past
unprocessed trauma, unprocessedhurt, and so now it's hard for
me to be present because Ihaven't dealt with earlier
situations, earlier things thatmay have hurt me, earlier events
(11:26):
.
And so today, as you're goingthrough and embarking on the
month of May, I just encourageyou to change it up a little bit
.
Make up in your mind thatyou're not taking anything
personal.
Make up in your mind that ifit's something that you want to
change, you will change it.
Notice that if there'ssomething that you want to
(11:50):
change, you will change it andyou won't ask for permission.
I heard someone quote and theysaid change the people around
you or change the people aroundyou.
Change the people around you orchange the people around you
Right, so we know that we can'tchange people Like I can't
(12:13):
literally get inside of my childand make them do whatever it is
I want them to do.
I can't make you know a friendor associate or whatever be who
I think they should be.
But I can change how often I'dbe around them.
I can change my circle ofinfluence.
And so this whole thing of nonew friends will keep you stuck
(12:38):
in the past.
It's me opening myself up tonew friends, new influences,
that helped me in my career, mypersonal development, my
spiritual development and myemotional development.
And so, as you're listening tothis, really do some
self-assessing and ask yourselfa couple of questions.
(13:01):
One, do I like how I respond?
Two, do I like being easilyagitated or frustrated?
Three, am I willing to do whatit takes to make change?
Whatever you answer, whateveryour answer is to those three
(13:22):
questions, it will guide theremainder of your life and the
remainder of this year.
Whatever your answers are tothose three questions and I'm
saying you have the power tomake the change.
You have the power to do what'snecessary in order to protect
(13:43):
your peace, in order to grow upspiritually, emotionally,
mentally, physically,financially.
It's in your control.
I remember working for an agencyand I communicated my need.
(14:04):
They weren't willing to meetthat need, which was their
prerogative, which was in theircontrol.
But then I had a decision tomake Do I stay there or do I
change and look for somethingelse?
And that's what I did.
I had a choice.
It's the power of choice.
I did.
I had a choice.
(14:25):
It's the power of choice.
I made my requests known.
I believe I communicatedeffectively, they shared where
they were and I made a decisionto do what was best for me.
So I encourage you to take theseprinciples and see where you
can apply it in your life.
Ask yourself those threequestions.
(14:52):
Connect with some healthypeople, some individuals who may
be where you desire to be andwatch change take place.
Be encouraged wherever you are,as you're listening to this.
Change is possible and it's inyour control to change.
What's not in your control ischanging others.
(15:13):
You, literally, we can changeour perspective and our
perception about those around usand the things that we may go
through.
So again, happy May, happyself-care day.
Thank you for tuning in.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
That concludes this week's episode.
And remember, it's not selfish,it's self-care.
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