May 6, 2025 • 14 mins
What you do for yourself, any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself, will…transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you’re doing for others, and what you do for others, you’re doing for yourself.
—Pema Chodron
This episode discusses the transformative concept of gentleness as a core principle of inner work.
Discover how being gentle with yourself can heal wounds, reduce self-judgment, and create profound personal growth. Learn about the origins of gentleness, how to practice self-compassion, and why being a "gentle warrior" is a sign of true strength.
Timeline:
0:00-1:22 - Introduction to gentleness as the third core principle of inner work
1:23-3:53 - Etymology and historical meanings of "gentleness"
4:04-5:31 - Exploring self-reflection and softening personal judgments
5:45-9:34 - Addressing fears about being gentle and transforming negative self-talk
9:55-11:29 - The importance of gentleness in personal growth and collective consciousness
11:40-13:36 - Gentleness as strength, not weakness, with examples from the Gentle Warrior Program
13:55-14:22 - Closing thoughts and invitation to be gentle with oneself
•• Correction: The Bible quote on gentleness is from Galatians 5:22-23 ••
Got a question about your self?
Send it to me at rachel@selftalkpodcast.com and it may be featured on a future episode.
• Subscribe here, at youtube.com/@selftalkpodcast, or wherever you get podcasts. •
Music:
"Ave Marimba"
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What you do for yourself.
Any gesture of kindness, anygesture of gentleness, any
gesture of honesty and clearseeing toward yourself will
transform how you experience theworld.
What you do for yourself,you're doing for others, and
what you do for others, you'redoing for yourself.
(00:22):
Pema Chodron.
Welcome to Self Talk.
(00:47):
I'm Rachel Estarte.
Thank you for being here so far.
In this series on the foundationof self, we've defined what it
means to do inner work and whyit's important to us and to our
extended communities.
We've covered non-judgment,which is the lifeblood that runs
through our practice of innerwork.
Last episode we talked aboutawareness, the first tool we use
to become conscious of where weare on the journey of our
(01:10):
awakened lives and what we mightwant to shift or change.
We apply non-judgment to whatwe find, some of which we may
find distasteful, some of whichwe may find distasteful.
The third and final coreprinciple of foundation of self
is gentleness.
Gentleness is the practice weapply when these two primary
(01:35):
elements of non-judgment andawareness come together.
What is gentleness?
Gentleness is softness,receptivity, allowing in action.
Society celebrates action, butin the way of doing, not being
(02:04):
Gentleness is the great exhale,the putting down of heavy bags,
the picking up of grace.
The origins of the word gentleare fascinating, at least to me.
I hope you think so too.
Gentle has the Proto-IndianEuropean root gene, which means
to give birth or beget.
It's where we get the medievalLatin gens referring to race or
clan.
Later, in the early 13thcentury, the word gentile meant
(02:28):
to be well-born or of noble rankand family.
In modern French, gentile meanssomeone whose general
presentation is nice and kindand friendly.
Here's where it getsinteresting.
Here's where it getsinteresting.
If you add the suffix ness,n-e-s-s, connoting a state of
(02:49):
being to gentle, you get aslightly different meaning which
first arose around the year1300.
Gentleness means inheritednature.
Fun fact in Middle English theword gentle sometimes meant
pagan or heathen of nature, andin the Jewish tradition someone
(03:11):
who is a Gentile is someone whois not of the Jewish faith.
In the 1610s, the definition ofgentleness evolved to mean
freedom from harshness orviolence.
That's broadly how weunderstand the word today.
In the Bible, galatians 5.12,gentleness is described as the
(03:34):
fruit of the Spirit.
Isn't that beautiful.
Gentleness is the fruit of theSpirit.
Now, it's in reference to theHoly Spirit, but since we hold
the divine within us, go visitepisode two of this podcast.
We can apply it to ourindividual selves as well.
The fruit of our spirit is whatwe feast on as we do inner work
(03:59):
free from harshness or violence.
From harshness or violence.
What does it mean to be gentlewith oneself?
Using these definitions, youcan come to the answer yourself.
What would it be like to treatyourself without harshness?
What would it be like to feaston the fruit of your spirit?
(04:24):
Take a moment to think of onearea of your life where you are
particularly hard on yourself.
We all have them.
I know I do.
Maybe you're a chronicprocrastinator, or you're down
on yourself for not having thewillpower to stop snacking at
night, or something like that.
Now, just for a moment, can youimagine softening your feelings
(04:49):
about that aspect or situation?
Just softening those feelings?
What comes up as you do that?
Do you feel relief?
A little anxiety, maybe, or alot of anxiety?
Maybe there's a combination ofboth A little relief, and then
(05:09):
something kicks in and you feelanxious.
Write a few of those feelingsdown.
These are the nuggets of goldyou've been panning for.
What opens you to a clearer wayof being with yourself is the
gold, because those resonanttruths in you form your solid
foundation of self.
(05:29):
Likewise, what keeps you stuckis the gold, because now you
know exactly what needs yourloving and gentle attention.
How can we be gentle withourselves?
Some of us may bristle when weconsider being gentle with
ourselves.
There may be a fear we'll slipinto complacency or get lazy If
(05:54):
we procrastinate, for example.
Wouldn't it mean that beinggentle with ourselves means we
would just keep procrastinatingor giving ourselves a pass to
eat snacks at night?
Whatever the issue is, beinggentle is not about the topic
itself, in other words,procrastination or snacking.
It's about our reaction to it.
(06:16):
I'll say that again beinggentle is not about the thing.
It's about our reaction to thething.
This is the gold we're talkingabout.
So go back to your list offeelings that you have when you
think about being gentle withyourself rather than being hard
on yourself.
For the feelings of relief,really feel that in your body
(06:44):
Like oh, how nice it is to putthat weight down and be kinder
to myself.
Where is that feeling in yourbody?
Lock it in.
Create a body memory so thatyou can recognize it again when
you're in alignment with yourtrue self.
For the more anxious feelingsdo the same thing.
(07:05):
Where are they in your body.
Don't try to change them, justnotice them.
Now turn your attention to thethoughts that arise about being
gentle with yourself.
It could be they soundsomething like this Others
(07:30):
deserve my gentleness more thanI do.
It feels uncomfortable toaccept this bad behavior.
I expect more from myself.
I have to be the best atwhatever I do.
Here's your gold the parts ofyou that need loving attention.
Take each one of those thoughtsand hold them tenderly, like
(07:54):
birds with broken wings.
This is where non-judgmentcomes in so powerfully in our
inner work.
Take the statement othersdeserve my gentleness more than
I do.
Man, that should break yourheart.
By your heart, I mean yourhighest self's heart, the heart
of your pure consciousness self,the one that knows that
(08:16):
ultimately, there is noseparation between others and
you.
Anything else is just a story,and that story comes from
childhood wounding.
The true self sees that yourindividual suffering.
Whatever happened that made youthink you don't deserve
gentleness, is something thatneeds love to heal.
(08:36):
It takes gentleness to callupon that love.
We can't shame or blame our wayinto correcting a misalignment.
Maybe you've tried to do it andgenerally it doesn't work.
That's how we become gentlewith ourselves.
We see how our life experienceshave caused us to create
(09:00):
stories that we believe protectus, like I have to be the best
at whatever I do, because havinghigh expectations means we're
good.
In reality, this harshnesscauses pain.
When we are gentle, we can sayI see that you've been suffering
from this story, let's changeit.
(09:21):
Then the statement othersdeserve my gentleness more than
I do becomes gentleness belongsto all beings, myself included.
I have to be the best atwhatever I do becomes whatever I
do.
I do it fully and consciously.
That is my best in that moment.
(09:43):
Can you hear the difference?
Can you feel the difference inyour body?
Why is being gentle important?
Let's look again at the processof being on the awakened path,
building our foundation of self.
It is very much the hero'sjourney.
(10:06):
Non-judgment is the magic elixirwe carry with us at all times.
We know we're going toencounter some pretty hairy
stuff as we look deeply at ourlives and begin to see where we
are misaligned.
Awareness is the tool we use tocut away the dense overgrowth
of persona that we've developedover the years in order to
(10:27):
survive and we look objectivelyat our wounded thought patterns,
behaviors and actions.
Gentleness is the salve weapply to the wounds we uncover,
we can become aware of anunhelpful thought or belief and
refrain from judging ourselvesfor that unhelpful thought or
belief.
(10:47):
But if we don't apply the salveof gentleness, we don't heal.
Being gentle with ourselvesmeans to wrap ourselves in a
state of grace.
It's a reminder of ouruniversal connection to Great
Spirit, great Mystery, to God,godhead, holy Spirit.
When we give ourselves grace,we heal, but we also strengthen
(11:13):
the muscle of awareness of ourinterconnectedness with all
beings, just like that openingquote from Pema Chodron
illustrates right.
She says what you do foryourself, you're doing for
others, and what you do forothers, you're doing for
yourself.
Our fully human individuallives, rich with experience,
(11:34):
become a vital contribution tocollective consciousness.
Now I'm anticipating a littlepushback about what it means to
be gentle.
Being gentle does not meanbeing weak.
Some of you might remember DrLove from the 1980s.
That was motivational speakerLeo Buscaglia.
(11:57):
He really got this idea ofgentleness being the opposite of
weakness.
He said With this in mind, Iinvite you to consider yourself
a gentle warrior.
Now, as we know, a warriorfiercely defends the values and
(12:23):
virtues by which they live.
The sword the gentle warriorwields is tenderness, compassion
and connection.
There was a study done in Topeka, kansas, around 2008.
The report came out in 2008.
I'm not exactly sure when theydid this experiment, but it was
part of the Peaceful SchoolsProject.
(12:45):
Over 200 children in gradesthree through five participated
in a martial arts-basedintervention that was designed
to reduce aggression andbullying, and it was called the
Gentle Warrior Program.
The boys who participateddisplayed less aggression and
more helpful behavior towardvictims of bullying.
(13:07):
There were not significantresults found for girls, but
there could be many reasons forthat.
That would be to talk about foranother time.
But what's really interesting isthat the overriding cause for
this shift in those boys was thepractice of empathy.
The boys learned self-controland peaceful strategies to
(13:30):
resolve conflicts by empathizingwith other students.
To resolve conflicts byempathizing with other students.
Imagine what you couldaccomplish by showing empathy
toward yourself, by being thegentle warrior when, in internal
conflict, not the shamer orblamer.
Think of how far along yourawakened path that could take
(13:53):
you right.
Speaking of the awakened path,what does that mean?
When we talk about awakening,what does that have to do with
our inner work?
That's what we're going to talkabout next time.
Until then, be gentle withyourself.
You.
What you do for yourself.
Any gesture of kindness, anygesture of gentleness, any
gesture of honesty and clearseeing toward yourself will
transform how you experience theworld.
What you do for yourself,you're doing for others, and
what you do for others, you'redoing for yourself.
(00:22):
Pema Chodron.
Welcome to Self Talk.
(00:47):
I'm Rachel Estarte.
Thank you for being here so far.
In this series on the foundationof self, we've defined what it
means to do inner work and whyit's important to us and to our
extended communities.
We've covered non-judgment,which is the lifeblood that runs
through our practice of innerwork.
Last episode we talked aboutawareness, the first tool we use
to become conscious of where weare on the journey of our
(01:10):
awakened lives and what we mightwant to shift or change.
We apply non-judgment to whatwe find, some of which we may
find distasteful, some of whichwe may find distasteful.
The third and final coreprinciple of foundation of self
is gentleness.
Gentleness is the practice weapply when these two primary
(01:35):
elements of non-judgment andawareness come together.
What is gentleness?
Gentleness is softness,receptivity, allowing in action.
Society celebrates action, butin the way of doing, not being
(02:04):
Gentleness is the great exhale,the putting down of heavy bags,
the picking up of grace.
The origins of the word gentleare fascinating, at least to me.
I hope you think so too.
Gentle has the Proto-IndianEuropean root gene, which means
to give birth or beget.
It's where we get the medievalLatin gens referring to race or
clan.
Later, in the early 13thcentury, the word gentile meant
(02:28):
to be well-born or of noble rankand family.
In modern French, gentile meanssomeone whose general
presentation is nice and kindand friendly.
Here's where it getsinteresting.
Here's where it getsinteresting.
If you add the suffix ness,n-e-s-s, connoting a state of
(02:49):
being to gentle, you get aslightly different meaning which
first arose around the year1300.
Gentleness means inheritednature.
Fun fact in Middle English theword gentle sometimes meant
pagan or heathen of nature, andin the Jewish tradition someone
(03:11):
who is a Gentile is someone whois not of the Jewish faith.
In the 1610s, the definition ofgentleness evolved to mean
freedom from harshness orviolence.
That's broadly how weunderstand the word today.
In the Bible, galatians 5.12,gentleness is described as the
(03:34):
fruit of the Spirit.
Isn't that beautiful.
Gentleness is the fruit of theSpirit.
Now, it's in reference to theHoly Spirit, but since we hold
the divine within us, go visitepisode two of this podcast.
We can apply it to ourindividual selves as well.
The fruit of our spirit is whatwe feast on as we do inner work
(03:59):
free from harshness or violence.
From harshness or violence.
What does it mean to be gentlewith oneself?
Using these definitions, youcan come to the answer yourself.
What would it be like to treatyourself without harshness?
What would it be like to feaston the fruit of your spirit?
(04:24):
Take a moment to think of onearea of your life where you are
particularly hard on yourself.
We all have them.
I know I do.
Maybe you're a chronicprocrastinator, or you're down
on yourself for not having thewillpower to stop snacking at
night, or something like that.
Now, just for a moment, can youimagine softening your feelings
(04:49):
about that aspect or situation?
Just softening those feelings?
What comes up as you do that?
Do you feel relief?
A little anxiety, maybe, or alot of anxiety?
Maybe there's a combination ofboth A little relief, and then
(05:09):
something kicks in and you feelanxious.
Write a few of those feelingsdown.
These are the nuggets of goldyou've been panning for.
What opens you to a clearer wayof being with yourself is the
gold, because those resonanttruths in you form your solid
foundation of self.
(05:29):
Likewise, what keeps you stuckis the gold, because now you
know exactly what needs yourloving and gentle attention.
How can we be gentle withourselves?
Some of us may bristle when weconsider being gentle with
ourselves.
There may be a fear we'll slipinto complacency or get lazy If
(05:54):
we procrastinate, for example.
Wouldn't it mean that beinggentle with ourselves means we
would just keep procrastinatingor giving ourselves a pass to
eat snacks at night?
Whatever the issue is, beinggentle is not about the topic
itself, in other words,procrastination or snacking.
It's about our reaction to it.
(06:16):
I'll say that again beinggentle is not about the thing.
It's about our reaction to thething.
This is the gold we're talkingabout.
So go back to your list offeelings that you have when you
think about being gentle withyourself rather than being hard
on yourself.
For the feelings of relief,really feel that in your body
(06:44):
Like oh, how nice it is to putthat weight down and be kinder
to myself.
Where is that feeling in yourbody?
Lock it in.
Create a body memory so thatyou can recognize it again when
you're in alignment with yourtrue self.
For the more anxious feelingsdo the same thing.
(07:05):
Where are they in your body.
Don't try to change them, justnotice them.
Now turn your attention to thethoughts that arise about being
gentle with yourself.
It could be they soundsomething like this Others
(07:30):
deserve my gentleness more thanI do.
It feels uncomfortable toaccept this bad behavior.
I expect more from myself.
I have to be the best atwhatever I do.
Here's your gold the parts ofyou that need loving attention.
Take each one of those thoughtsand hold them tenderly, like
(07:54):
birds with broken wings.
This is where non-judgmentcomes in so powerfully in our
inner work.
Take the statement othersdeserve my gentleness more than
I do.
Man, that should break yourheart.
By your heart, I mean yourhighest self's heart, the heart
of your pure consciousness self,the one that knows that
(08:16):
ultimately, there is noseparation between others and
you.
Anything else is just a story,and that story comes from
childhood wounding.
The true self sees that yourindividual suffering.
Whatever happened that made youthink you don't deserve
gentleness, is something thatneeds love to heal.
(08:36):
It takes gentleness to callupon that love.
We can't shame or blame our wayinto correcting a misalignment.
Maybe you've tried to do it andgenerally it doesn't work.
That's how we become gentlewith ourselves.
We see how our life experienceshave caused us to create
(09:00):
stories that we believe protectus, like I have to be the best
at whatever I do, because havinghigh expectations means we're
good.
In reality, this harshnesscauses pain.
When we are gentle, we can sayI see that you've been suffering
from this story, let's changeit.
(09:21):
Then the statement othersdeserve my gentleness more than
I do becomes gentleness belongsto all beings, myself included.
I have to be the best atwhatever I do becomes whatever I
do.
I do it fully and consciously.
That is my best in that moment.
(09:43):
Can you hear the difference?
Can you feel the difference inyour body?
Why is being gentle important?
Let's look again at the processof being on the awakened path,
building our foundation of self.
It is very much the hero'sjourney.
(10:06):
Non-judgment is the magic elixirwe carry with us at all times.
We know we're going toencounter some pretty hairy
stuff as we look deeply at ourlives and begin to see where we
are misaligned.
Awareness is the tool we use tocut away the dense overgrowth
of persona that we've developedover the years in order to
(10:27):
survive and we look objectivelyat our wounded thought patterns,
behaviors and actions.
Gentleness is the salve weapply to the wounds we uncover,
we can become aware of anunhelpful thought or belief and
refrain from judging ourselvesfor that unhelpful thought or
belief.
(10:47):
But if we don't apply the salveof gentleness, we don't heal.
Being gentle with ourselvesmeans to wrap ourselves in a
state of grace.
It's a reminder of ouruniversal connection to Great
Spirit, great Mystery, to God,godhead, holy Spirit.
When we give ourselves grace,we heal, but we also strengthen
(11:13):
the muscle of awareness of ourinterconnectedness with all
beings, just like that openingquote from Pema Chodron
illustrates right.
She says what you do foryourself, you're doing for
others, and what you do forothers, you're doing for
yourself.
Our fully human individuallives, rich with experience,
(11:34):
become a vital contribution tocollective consciousness.
Now I'm anticipating a littlepushback about what it means to
be gentle.
Being gentle does not meanbeing weak.
Some of you might remember DrLove from the 1980s.
That was motivational speakerLeo Buscaglia.
(11:57):
He really got this idea ofgentleness being the opposite of
weakness.
He said With this in mind, Iinvite you to consider yourself
a gentle warrior.
Now, as we know, a warriorfiercely defends the values and
(12:23):
virtues by which they live.
The sword the gentle warriorwields is tenderness, compassion
and connection.
There was a study done in Topeka, kansas, around 2008.
The report came out in 2008.
I'm not exactly sure when theydid this experiment, but it was
part of the Peaceful SchoolsProject.
(12:45):
Over 200 children in gradesthree through five participated
in a martial arts-basedintervention that was designed
to reduce aggression andbullying, and it was called the
Gentle Warrior Program.
The boys who participateddisplayed less aggression and
more helpful behavior towardvictims of bullying.
(13:07):
There were not significantresults found for girls, but
there could be many reasons forthat.
That would be to talk about foranother time.
But what's really interesting isthat the overriding cause for
this shift in those boys was thepractice of empathy.
The boys learned self-controland peaceful strategies to
(13:30):
resolve conflicts by empathizingwith other students.
To resolve conflicts byempathizing with other students.
Imagine what you couldaccomplish by showing empathy
toward yourself, by being thegentle warrior when, in internal
conflict, not the shamer orblamer.
Think of how far along yourawakened path that could take
(13:53):
you right.
Speaking of the awakened path,what does that mean?
When we talk about awakening,what does that have to do with
our inner work?
That's what we're going to talkabout next time.
Until then, be gentle withyourself.
You.
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