Selfed 61: There is Nothing Wrong with Me

What if I told you our nervous system functions metaphorically the same way the solar system does? As I’m leaning into this Atomic Living model, I’m recognizing the world “out there” in space is quite synchronous to the world within us.

In this episode I process my last therapy session in a way that I can equate to wringing out a wet rag of emotional clean up from the aftermath of my relationship with my ex. I intend for this to be the last I need to speak about it because now 6 months after the breakup, nothing I say is reactive or in response to anything shared with me since and this is fully an expression of how I feel and naming things that happened to contribute to what I feel.

All that said, therapy and my people have held me beautifully through my lowest of lows as I’ve been witnessed through the rising to the sustained regulation I’m at now, finding my rhythm in New York City, living my life in a way that aligns rather than forcing myself to find out what’s “wrong” with me.

Reality is that who I was never aligned with who she wanted me to be and as painful as it is to say, I was emotionally manipulated . . . again and with recognition of that pattern, and the aftermath of how I saw her respond to the breakup led me to see the value of boundaries. If I had them, we wouldn’t have even been in the relationship and I’d have been on the trajectory I was on, but the lesson on this path was an invaluable side quest away from what I’m supposed to be doing and toward what I let myself be convinced I should do.

All of this was a choice and I take accountability for the path to get to this new center of gravity for my own nervous system, allowing aligned bodies of people and experiences to orbit by orienting themselves to my presence rather than me forcing myself into their orbit or them into mine. The important thing here is that I be myself and continue to transmute my trauma into healing the same way the sun transmutes hydrogen to helium and in the process radiates light and heat and gravity for other things to be born out of.