February 27, 2022 • 13 mins
Why do couples stop having sex? It can feel like a mystery. You get along great, you have a good relationship, but for some reason, your sex life has slowly disappeared. What is really happening when sex stops in your relationship?
When the intimacy stops in a relationship couples often seek therapy. Young couples, middle-aged, and old couples, unhappy that they've stopped having sex and can't seem to find a way back.
In this episode, I'll explain how losing a sense of trust and intimacy leads to losing a sex life. And how building trust and intimacy will rekindle your sex life much better than a date night or any articles on "spicing up your sex life".
My name is Jacob Brown, and I'm a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. To learn more, visit:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's
therapist in San Francisco.
I wanna welcome you to sex loveand couple's therapy.
We all want to feel loved.
That's a universal desire, butsometimes instead of feeling
loving our relationships, feelconfusing, frustrating, and a
(00:27):
little crazy making The purposeof this podcast is to help you
clear up some of that confusionso that you and your partner can
find ways to make yourrelationship feel closer, more
connect, to do more loving.
So stay tuned.
We've got a lot of great stuffto talk about, and now let's go
talk about my three favoritetopics, sex love and couple's
(00:52):
therapy.
One of the most common problemsthat couples therapists see is a
couples come in complaining thatthey've stopped having sex or
that the frequency of sex hasdropped way, way, way down.
And sometimes that condition canhave lasted for weeks or months
(01:15):
or years or in some cases, evendecades.
And this is something thatcouples therapists see all the
time.
It's much more common than youmight think, but when a couple
stops having sex or sex is veryinfrequent, they typically talk
about it in terms of a change insexual desire, they try to
(01:36):
explain the change in theirsexual relationship with cliches
like, oh, well I guess thethrill is gone or the sex has
gotten dull or we're not kidsanymore.
What do you expect?
Things like that.
They frame it as a change anddesire.
And as we're gonna talk aboutnine times outta 10, that's not
(01:56):
really what's going on, but yousee for many couples talking
about sex is incrediblydifficult and this change in
their sex life.
So alarms them and so mystifiesthem that anytime they try to
talk about it, it only leads toa fight.
So instead of talking aboutwhat's going on in their
(02:17):
relationship, they try to fixit.
And naturally the first step intrying to fix their sex life is
they'd think they have to spiceit up, you know, spice it up is
the advice that screams out atyou from all the talk shows and
the supermarket magazines andthe websites.
The message is very clear.
If your sex life is in thedumps, all you need to do is
(02:41):
reignite the flame with datenights or role playing or sex
toys, or maybe even an openmarriage.
They make it sound so simple, soclear and so incredibly easy.
And it's not, it's a lot morecomplex than that.
In my experience, a decline insexual activity is rarely about
(03:03):
a decline and desire and sextoys and role playing are rarely
the cure, sex toys and fantasiesand role playing are great for
couples who have a happy andhealthy and active sex life.
And they just want to span it.
They want to add new things tothe sex life they already have.
(03:23):
In contrast for couples who feelsexually disconnected or who sex
life is, you know, on the rocks,these same solutions can
actually make them feel evenmore disconnected, more unhappy
and more alone.
In my experience, the mostcommon reason that sex starts to
(03:44):
slip away is not a loss ofdesire, but a loss of emotional
intimacy in the beginning of arelationship or when you're just
hooking up or you're justdating.
Sex is primarily fueled bydesire.
You know, at the, at thosestages, you don't need a deep
emotional connection to feelsexual and enjoy sex, but that
(04:08):
really changes in a long termrelationship in a long term
relationship, sexual desire ispowered by the couple's
emotional connection, not theirhormones.
And that's a really differentway of looking at it and takes a
little thought.
But I'm gonna say it again in along term relationship, sexual
(04:29):
desire is powered by thecouple's emotional connection.
Not the hormones in anestablished relationship.
Sex becomes the way I look at itas a form of community.
It is one of the many ways inwhich each partner both
expresses their love andexperiences.
Their partner's love for them.
(04:50):
It's the language through whichthe couple experiences, their
emotional connection.
If for whatever reason, a couplebegins to feel less emotionally
connected, that intimate form ofcommunication begins to wane.
And then over time, their senseof sexual desire will start to
fade.
(05:11):
The way I express this to myclients is that in a long term,
relationship, sex cannot thrivewithout emotional intimacy, more
intimacy leads to more sex, butmore sex does not lead to more
intimacy.
But what happens when sexualactivity disappears?
The couple, usually look at eachother and ask, why aren't we
(05:34):
having sex?
Why don't you desire me anymore?
Why don't you want me anymore?
But those are exactly the wrongquestion.
The real question is not whydon't you desire me, but why are
we feeling less emotionallyconnected?
It's easy to understand why theygravitate toward this quick fix.
(05:55):
Like we're all playing infantasy.
That's because trying tounderstand that loss of
emotional intimacy is so muchmore confusing, more vulnerable
and riskier.
So what might happen thatinterferes with a couple's sense
of emotional intimacy?
Well, there are a lot of thingsthat come can impact the
(06:17):
emotional connection and thatintimate connection between a
couple it's different from everycouple.
But here I'm gonna go throughfive things that I see most
commonly in my couple's therapypractice.
The first and by far, the mostcommon issue is shame for many P
people.
(06:37):
A deep sense of shame gets inthe way of their ability to talk
about sex.
The topic feels in incrediblyuncomfortable that it can be
easier for them to just rollover and go to sleep and give up
on sex than to have an open,loving, and intimate discussion.
The shame is experienced as thisdeep and profound fee feeling
(07:02):
and fear that I'm not enough.
I'm not enough for my partner.
I'm not enough.
This fear that they are notenough can increase as they age,
as people age and their bodieschange.
This sense of shame canincrease.
They worry about that.
They are no longer desirable orthat their partner is
disappointed by their physicallimitations of their aging body.
(07:26):
But that shame can also bepresent in young relationships
where that sense of not enoughis just as strong and gets in
the way of open and lovingcommunication around sex.
Shame is an incredible killer tosexual desire and emotional
(07:46):
intimacy.
The second issue is resentments.
Every couple, no matter howcomfortable and compatible has
some issues or areas ofconflict, if they haven't been
able to work through theseissues, the pain is never
resolved and CR can create longterm resentments.
(08:08):
It can be from a painfulinteraction last week or from 50
years ago.
But if the issue remainsunresolved, then the pain still
feels fresh re and alive.
The couple may still get alonggreat.
They enjoy being married.
The household functions well,they take care of the kids.
(08:29):
It feels like a goodpartnership, but that deep
loving connection will start toshow cracks and they'll move
from being married to beingroommates.
The third issue is a loss oftrust.
Trust is a vital precursor ofintimacy.
(08:49):
And I can't tell you howimportant this is.
So I'm gonna say it again.
Trust is a vital precursor ofintimacy.
You can't have intimacy.
If you don't have trust.
If a partner loses the sensethat they trust their partner,
they will not feel emotionallyor physically safe.
And this will create a barrierto intimacy.
(09:10):
The loss of trust can come froma major event like an
infidelity, or it may buildslowly because of a series of
small issues in which onepartner feels that their partner
doesn't have their back.
The fourth issue is feelingunheard or unseen to feel truly
(09:31):
connected.
You must feel that your partnersees you and understands who you
are.
You need to feel that you don'thave to put on a false front
with that person that you loveand to whom you are closest.
And who's so important to you,and that you want to really hear
what you want them to reallyhear what you have to say and to
know what you are feelinginside.
(09:52):
How can you give yourself fullyto your partner if you don't
think they really see you asthey are, or they're not
interested in hearing who youare.
And the last issue is unresolvedgrief.
As you age, you experience manytypes of grief.
The death of friends and familydreams are shattered illness or
(10:16):
injury, financial distress, lossof employment, friends drift
away and so on.
And so on.
As we grieve, we often turninward and pull away from the
people around us.
And that's a natural part of thegrieving process.
And generally people are able towork through those losses and
reengage with the, of people intheir lives.
(10:39):
But sometimes the deep sadnessof grief remains trapped inside
and creates a barrier betweenthem and the world.
And until the loss could befully expressed and processed,
it may feel impossible to regainthat sense of connection and
intimacy with your partner.
In my experience, the best wayto rekindle a couple's sexual
(11:02):
connection is to work onrebuilding their emotional
connection.
Once the barriers to intimacyhave been diminished, the couple
feels more emotionallyconnected, and they are
naturally drawn closer to eachother.
This increased and trustgenerates an increased interest
in sex.
(11:23):
This is just a natural process.
You don't have to do anything tomake them feel more sexually
connected.
What you have to do is make helpthem to become more emotionally
connected until they can open upabout their feelings, fears,
shame, and confusion.
They can't really feel close,but once the connection is
stronger, they can begin to seetheir partner as a source of
(11:45):
strength and support rather thana source of conflict and pain.
It is that emotional connectionthat enables them to be
vulnerable and really talk aboutwhat's happening or not
happening in the bedroom.
Sex toys, and role playing anddate nights can be great
enhancements for couples whowanna expand their sex life and
(12:06):
who are having a good sex life,but just want more.
But for couples who have lostthat sex connection, these toys
can't rebuild the trust andintimacy that really powers
sexual desire.
The answer is not sex toys.
The answer is feeling moreintimately connected with your
(12:26):
partner and that intimateconnection fuels your sexual
desire.
Well, that's our episode fortoday.
I hope we found it interestingand useful, but most of all, I'd
like to thank you for listening.
If you have a minute, please hitthe subscribe button and give us
(12:49):
a rating.
And I hope to see you again soonon another episode of sex, love
and couples therapy.
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's
therapist in San Francisco.
I wanna welcome you to sex loveand couple's therapy.
We all want to feel loved.
That's a universal desire, butsometimes instead of feeling
loving our relationships, feelconfusing, frustrating, and a
(00:27):
little crazy making The purposeof this podcast is to help you
clear up some of that confusionso that you and your partner can
find ways to make yourrelationship feel closer, more
connect, to do more loving.
So stay tuned.
We've got a lot of great stuffto talk about, and now let's go
talk about my three favoritetopics, sex love and couple's
(00:52):
therapy.
One of the most common problemsthat couples therapists see is a
couples come in complaining thatthey've stopped having sex or
that the frequency of sex hasdropped way, way, way down.
And sometimes that condition canhave lasted for weeks or months
(01:15):
or years or in some cases, evendecades.
And this is something thatcouples therapists see all the
time.
It's much more common than youmight think, but when a couple
stops having sex or sex is veryinfrequent, they typically talk
about it in terms of a change insexual desire, they try to
(01:36):
explain the change in theirsexual relationship with cliches
like, oh, well I guess thethrill is gone or the sex has
gotten dull or we're not kidsanymore.
What do you expect?
Things like that.
They frame it as a change anddesire.
And as we're gonna talk aboutnine times outta 10, that's not
(01:56):
really what's going on, but yousee for many couples talking
about sex is incrediblydifficult and this change in
their sex life.
So alarms them and so mystifiesthem that anytime they try to
talk about it, it only leads toa fight.
So instead of talking aboutwhat's going on in their
(02:17):
relationship, they try to fixit.
And naturally the first step intrying to fix their sex life is
they'd think they have to spiceit up, you know, spice it up is
the advice that screams out atyou from all the talk shows and
the supermarket magazines andthe websites.
The message is very clear.
If your sex life is in thedumps, all you need to do is
(02:41):
reignite the flame with datenights or role playing or sex
toys, or maybe even an openmarriage.
They make it sound so simple, soclear and so incredibly easy.
And it's not, it's a lot morecomplex than that.
In my experience, a decline insexual activity is rarely about
(03:03):
a decline and desire and sextoys and role playing are rarely
the cure, sex toys and fantasiesand role playing are great for
couples who have a happy andhealthy and active sex life.
And they just want to span it.
They want to add new things tothe sex life they already have.
(03:23):
In contrast for couples who feelsexually disconnected or who sex
life is, you know, on the rocks,these same solutions can
actually make them feel evenmore disconnected, more unhappy
and more alone.
In my experience, the mostcommon reason that sex starts to
(03:44):
slip away is not a loss ofdesire, but a loss of emotional
intimacy in the beginning of arelationship or when you're just
hooking up or you're justdating.
Sex is primarily fueled bydesire.
You know, at the, at thosestages, you don't need a deep
emotional connection to feelsexual and enjoy sex, but that
(04:08):
really changes in a long termrelationship in a long term
relationship, sexual desire ispowered by the couple's
emotional connection, not theirhormones.
And that's a really differentway of looking at it and takes a
little thought.
But I'm gonna say it again in along term relationship, sexual
(04:29):
desire is powered by thecouple's emotional connection.
Not the hormones in anestablished relationship.
Sex becomes the way I look at itas a form of community.
It is one of the many ways inwhich each partner both
expresses their love andexperiences.
Their partner's love for them.
(04:50):
It's the language through whichthe couple experiences, their
emotional connection.
If for whatever reason, a couplebegins to feel less emotionally
connected, that intimate form ofcommunication begins to wane.
And then over time, their senseof sexual desire will start to
fade.
(05:11):
The way I express this to myclients is that in a long term,
relationship, sex cannot thrivewithout emotional intimacy, more
intimacy leads to more sex, butmore sex does not lead to more
intimacy.
But what happens when sexualactivity disappears?
The couple, usually look at eachother and ask, why aren't we
(05:34):
having sex?
Why don't you desire me anymore?
Why don't you want me anymore?
But those are exactly the wrongquestion.
The real question is not whydon't you desire me, but why are
we feeling less emotionallyconnected?
It's easy to understand why theygravitate toward this quick fix.
(05:55):
Like we're all playing infantasy.
That's because trying tounderstand that loss of
emotional intimacy is so muchmore confusing, more vulnerable
and riskier.
So what might happen thatinterferes with a couple's sense
of emotional intimacy?
Well, there are a lot of thingsthat come can impact the
(06:17):
emotional connection and thatintimate connection between a
couple it's different from everycouple.
But here I'm gonna go throughfive things that I see most
commonly in my couple's therapypractice.
The first and by far, the mostcommon issue is shame for many P
people.
(06:37):
A deep sense of shame gets inthe way of their ability to talk
about sex.
The topic feels in incrediblyuncomfortable that it can be
easier for them to just rollover and go to sleep and give up
on sex than to have an open,loving, and intimate discussion.
The shame is experienced as thisdeep and profound fee feeling
(07:02):
and fear that I'm not enough.
I'm not enough for my partner.
I'm not enough.
This fear that they are notenough can increase as they age,
as people age and their bodieschange.
This sense of shame canincrease.
They worry about that.
They are no longer desirable orthat their partner is
disappointed by their physicallimitations of their aging body.
(07:26):
But that shame can also bepresent in young relationships
where that sense of not enoughis just as strong and gets in
the way of open and lovingcommunication around sex.
Shame is an incredible killer tosexual desire and emotional
(07:46):
intimacy.
The second issue is resentments.
Every couple, no matter howcomfortable and compatible has
some issues or areas ofconflict, if they haven't been
able to work through theseissues, the pain is never
resolved and CR can create longterm resentments.
(08:08):
It can be from a painfulinteraction last week or from 50
years ago.
But if the issue remainsunresolved, then the pain still
feels fresh re and alive.
The couple may still get alonggreat.
They enjoy being married.
The household functions well,they take care of the kids.
(08:29):
It feels like a goodpartnership, but that deep
loving connection will start toshow cracks and they'll move
from being married to beingroommates.
The third issue is a loss oftrust.
Trust is a vital precursor ofintimacy.
(08:49):
And I can't tell you howimportant this is.
So I'm gonna say it again.
Trust is a vital precursor ofintimacy.
You can't have intimacy.
If you don't have trust.
If a partner loses the sensethat they trust their partner,
they will not feel emotionallyor physically safe.
And this will create a barrierto intimacy.
(09:10):
The loss of trust can come froma major event like an
infidelity, or it may buildslowly because of a series of
small issues in which onepartner feels that their partner
doesn't have their back.
The fourth issue is feelingunheard or unseen to feel truly
(09:31):
connected.
You must feel that your partnersees you and understands who you
are.
You need to feel that you don'thave to put on a false front
with that person that you loveand to whom you are closest.
And who's so important to you,and that you want to really hear
what you want them to reallyhear what you have to say and to
know what you are feelinginside.
(09:52):
How can you give yourself fullyto your partner if you don't
think they really see you asthey are, or they're not
interested in hearing who youare.
And the last issue is unresolvedgrief.
As you age, you experience manytypes of grief.
The death of friends and familydreams are shattered illness or
(10:16):
injury, financial distress, lossof employment, friends drift
away and so on.
And so on.
As we grieve, we often turninward and pull away from the
people around us.
And that's a natural part of thegrieving process.
And generally people are able towork through those losses and
reengage with the, of people intheir lives.
(10:39):
But sometimes the deep sadnessof grief remains trapped inside
and creates a barrier betweenthem and the world.
And until the loss could befully expressed and processed,
it may feel impossible to regainthat sense of connection and
intimacy with your partner.
In my experience, the best wayto rekindle a couple's sexual
(11:02):
connection is to work onrebuilding their emotional
connection.
Once the barriers to intimacyhave been diminished, the couple
feels more emotionallyconnected, and they are
naturally drawn closer to eachother.
This increased and trustgenerates an increased interest
in sex.
(11:23):
This is just a natural process.
You don't have to do anything tomake them feel more sexually
connected.
What you have to do is make helpthem to become more emotionally
connected until they can open upabout their feelings, fears,
shame, and confusion.
They can't really feel close,but once the connection is
stronger, they can begin to seetheir partner as a source of
(11:45):
strength and support rather thana source of conflict and pain.
It is that emotional connectionthat enables them to be
vulnerable and really talk aboutwhat's happening or not
happening in the bedroom.
Sex toys, and role playing anddate nights can be great
enhancements for couples whowanna expand their sex life and
(12:06):
who are having a good sex life,but just want more.
But for couples who have lostthat sex connection, these toys
can't rebuild the trust andintimacy that really powers
sexual desire.
The answer is not sex toys.
The answer is feeling moreintimately connected with your
(12:26):
partner and that intimateconnection fuels your sexual
desire.
Well, that's our episode fortoday.
I hope we found it interestingand useful, but most of all, I'd
like to thank you for listening.
If you have a minute, please hitthe subscribe button and give us
(12:49):
a rating.
And I hope to see you again soonon another episode of sex, love
and couples therapy.
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