February 27, 2022 • 16 mins
Have you ever gone on a great vacation with your partner and ended up having a fight? Or worse, every conversation turns into an argument? It's a common problem. But it's so frustrating and confusing.
In this episode, I'll explain why that happens and how to avoid it on your next vacation. So instead of fighting, you can spend your time having fun, being together, and having some great vacation sex.
My name is Jacob Brown, and I'm a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. To learn more, visit:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's
therapist in San Francisco.
I wanna welcome you to sex loveand couple's therapy.
We all want to feel loved.
That's a universal desire, butsometimes instead of feeling
loving our relationships, feelconfusing, frustrating, and a
(00:28):
little crazy making the purposeof this podcast is to help you
clear up some of that confusionso that you and your partner can
find ways to make yourrelationship feel closer, more
connect in, more loving.
So stay tuned.
We've got a lot of great stuffto talk about, and now let's go
talk about my three favoritetopics, sex love and couples
(00:52):
therapy.
Today's topic is why did couplesfight on vacation?
Now that may seem kind offrivolous, but in fact, this is
a really big issue and I see itall the time in my, uh, couple's
therapy practice couples reallylook forward to going out on
(01:16):
vacation together without thekids.
They dream about all the stressfree time, just hanging out by
the pool, spending time with the, our partners, romance, sex,
intimacy, fun.
It just sounds great.
And yet, somehow for somereason, so many couples come
back from these wonderfulvacations feeling disappointed
(01:38):
and unhappy.
And today we're gonna try andfigure out why is that that
happens and how we can avoid it.
So your next couple vacation isa wonderful experience instead
of a bad memory.
I wanna start by talking about aconcept that may seem a little
(01:59):
counterintuitive, which is theidea that closeness, that
emotional intimacy can really behard couples often talk about
their desire to feel closer andmore connected, more emotionally
intimate, but while they saythey wanna be more emotionally
close, all that intimacy cansometimes just be difficult to
(02:22):
handle.
Some of us are very acomfortable and open to
closeness while others may feelmore comfortable with a little
distance, neither approach isright or wrong.
These are just different styles.
Simply reflect who we are as aperson, our personality, the
experiences good and bad thatwe've had in our life and how we
(02:45):
feel about being in a, but theproblem comes when you view your
style as the right one and yourpartner style as the wrong one,
then instead of accepting andembracing your partner for who
they are, the two of you engagein an ongoing battle to convince
(03:06):
the other that they need to bedifferent, that they need to
change their style, to be morelike your style.
And all I can say about that isgood luck.
How you accept deal with yourpartner, having a different
relationship style than you do.
It's interesting, but nowhere isthat struggle to adapt or accept
(03:27):
each other's relationship stylemore in your face than when the
two of you are on vacation.
And that's because when you'reat home in your usual routine,
you don't is the conflict andstyles nearly as much.
You've worked out how to balancethe time when you feel close in
(03:48):
the times, when you feel moreindependent, separate time is
built into your life.
Already.
You go to work to the gym, outwith a friend, spend time on
your hobbies.
And at the same time, youremotionally and physically
intimate time is also wellestablished.
You have sex on Saturdaymornings.
You go out to dinner on Fridaynights, you stay home and watch
movies on Wednesdays.
(04:10):
You cook a special dinner onSunday and you check in with
each other in the afternoonevery day at work.
So you've kind of worked outthis balance close time,
intimate time and separate time,a little distance, but when
you're on vacation, all thatstructure falls away.
And it's just the two of you.
(04:31):
There are no guardrails to helpyou or your partner stay in your
own lane, nor is there anyscaffolding to help you be more
connected.
So instead of easily movingbetween kind of these wonderful
opportunities to do some thingsalone, maybe you go off on a spa
day and other things together,afternoon sex, or you go to a
(04:53):
concert.
Instead, the vacation becomes anendless series of discussions,
debates, and negotiations abouthow you're gonna spend time and
that inevitably results in hardfeelings.
And that leads to fights.
And these fights feel sosurprising because all you're
trying to do is get closer toyour partner.
(05:15):
All you wanna do is feel closeand have a good time together.
But somehow when they don'trespond, the way hoped you end
up feeling hurt or abandoned oralone, and this happens over and
over and over again.
(05:46):
So let's give an example of afight that might happen.
I'll call this fighting whilesitting by the pool.
So you can imagine a couple whoare on vacation in Hawaii.
They wake up on their firstmorning.
They have that famous Polynesianbreakfast buffet, and then they
head out to sit by the pool andread their books.
Sounds like heaven, but afterabout an hour or so, Charlie
(06:09):
starts to feel restless andmakes noises about going on a
hike together or doing somethingon his let's get going.
Charlie says, I don't wannawaste the whole day doing
nothing.
Alex, either ignores Charlie orpushes back and says something
like we're in Hawaii.
Why can't you just relax andenjoy yourself like a normal
(06:30):
person within five minutes.
They're then deep into a fight afew minutes after that, Charlie
either storms off all by himselfor drags an unhappy Alex on a
hike and neither of them arehappy.
And neither of them quiteunderstand what just happened.
(06:54):
So this is not an unusual scene.
If you hang out at the pool, youwill see this happen time.
And again, throughout the dayand scenes like this reflect the
difficulty couples havemaintaining a loving connection
while also feeling independent.
Here are three examples of howthis might play out.
(07:15):
The first one, the first exampleis feeling different couples
like to think that they're all,they're like two peas in a pod,
comfortable and compatible, butin many relationships, the
partners have differentrelationship styles.
Just like we talked aboutearlier.
And these styles reflect whothey are as people and their
attachment styles, you know,kind of how they attach to each
(07:37):
other, how they deal with, withloving relationships.
One may seem to always be tryingto get closer to the other while
the partner feels morecomfortable with a little
distance and that tug of warbetween getting closer and
establishing distance really hasa tendency to create fights.
And then when you have someevent like reading of the pool
(08:00):
highlights this difference, itis the replay of so many
previous fights and it reallykind of stimulates them.
And it one reminds them of allthe ways in which the two of
your them are different.
Two, the feeling of beingdifferent from your partner
makes them feel a little anxiousor hurt.
And when you become anxiousabout your primary relationship,
(08:23):
naturally feel less connected.
You sense that something iswrong.
And then depending on yourrelationship style, you either
clamor for more closeness or youpull away either way, both
strategies of, of trying to getcloser or pulling away result in
your partner, feeling furtheraway.
(08:43):
And when you feel disconnectedfrom your partner, anything, and
I mean, anything can turn into afight.
Now, the next way that this showitself is in the idea of feeling
left or feeling left out, Alextalks about how much he enjoys
reading by the pool.
(09:04):
But what Alex really enjoys themost is the feeling of being
close and connected with Charlieas they sit there together, the
book is nice, but what's reallygreat for Alex is sitting with
Charlie.
So sitting by the pool reallymakes a much bigger, has a much
bigger meaning to Alex.
(09:25):
And when Charlie wants to leavethe pool, Alex feels hurt on an
attachment level.
Alex interprets this as Charlienot valuing at the connection
they're having at the pool.
Alex feels unloved and notimportant to Charlie.
What Alex really wants to sayis, Hey, I'm really enjoying
(09:48):
sitting here with you.
It makes me happy.
And, but it really makes me feelhurt that you don't want spend
time here sitting with me, butyou know, that's a really kind
of vulnerable and risky thing tosay.
So instead of saying thatvulnerable and risky and open
(10:08):
statement about how much heenjoys sitting with Charlie,
Alex sends Charlie a zinger andhe criticizes Charlie for not
knowing as he puts it, how torelax like a normal person.
Okay?
So instead of being open andsaying, it hurts my feelings
that you wanna leave, hecriticizes the way Charlie or
(10:31):
Charlie is really very common.
Then lastly, it's the idea offeeling unseen.
Charlie relaxes by being activeand sitting by the pool is not
Charlie's idea of fun.
Charlie does it for a while tomake Alex happy and to feel
(10:52):
close to Alex.
Cuz Charlie wants to feel closeto Alex too.
But after about an hour, it'sbeen enough sitting and enough
closeness and Charlie needs abreak.
What Charlie really wants to sayis, honey, I love you, but I
need some alone time.
Or I need for us to go dosomething more active.
But Charlie, doesn't say thisout of fear of hurting Alex's
(11:13):
feelings and Charlie startsbecoming anxious and a little
upset.
He doesn't know how to deal withhis conflict.
You know, he doesn't know how tocommunicate this with Alex.
So instead of communicatingthese confusing and vulnerable
feelings, Al comes a zinged andhe accuses Alex of wasting the
(11:35):
whole day.
What Charlie really wants is forAlex to see Charlie's distress
to that, he's different toaccept their different styles
and still feel how much Charlieloves Alex.
That's what he wants, but hedoesn't know how to ask for it.
So instead he sends the zinger.
(11:59):
So what we're really talkingabout is how to be different,
how to accept being differentand still stay close and stay
together, accepting you and yourpartners.
Different relationship style canbe challeng.
It is the primary issue thatbrings couples into couple
(12:19):
therapy.
Here are a few techniques tohelp you navigate these waters
on your next vacation.
One, talk about it before youleave.
Talk about how you each have adifferent need for being
together in separate time.
You know, you can say, I reallylove you, but sometimes I need
to go off and do things on myown.
(12:41):
I really look forward to gettingback together and telling you
what I've done.
You know, that's talking aboutboth how you need some separate
time and how you want to betogether.
Number two, get specific, talkabout when you're gonna be
together.
And when you'll be exploring onyour own, decide what activities
(13:03):
you want to do together andwhich activities are better as
solo adventures.
So kind of work through that alittle before you go next, be
flexible.
I mean, this is sounds easy, butit's actually hard.
Don't get locked into yourplans.
Try to stay open to changingthings up.
When you get to the destination,recognize things are gonna be
(13:27):
different.
You know, you're gonna seesomething that you hadn't
anticipated.
Try to be as open and flexibleas you can to trying new things
next.
Share one of the great thingsabout doing some activities
separately is that you can, theneach of you can bring something
new back to the relationship toput it simply it's something to
(13:50):
talk about.
That's different over dinner orover lunch.
So make sure that you did that.
You take the time to tell yourpartner about what you've done
while you've been a part.
This lets them share in yourexperience and brings you closer
together.
So it's so that's the importantthing to remember go off and do
something, but bring thatexperience back to the
(14:12):
relationship by telling yourpartner about it and then focus
on each other.
When are together, when you'retogether, be together.
There's a wonderful quote from aZen monk named Han and the
quote.
I, I love this quote.
(14:32):
When you love someone, the bestthing you offer is your
presence.
How can you love if you are notthere, this doesn't mean that
you need to be together all thetime.
Not at all.
It does mean that when you aretogether, Be fully together, be
(14:53):
there with your partner.
That makes all the difference.
And the last thing I'd like totalk about is how to manage this
process a little better.
And just how to talk about yourfeelings.
(15:15):
Vacation arguments may seem likethey're about pool time versus
shopping or visiting a museumversus taking a hike.
But that's not really what theargument is about in reality.
They're about our need for bothintimacy and independence.
Both partners want to feel alldis deeply connected, but they
(15:37):
need to connect in their ownway.
These are hard things to talkabout.
It can feel very risky to talkabout your need for closeness
and your need for independence,but it's a risk worth taking.
You may be surprised at howtalking about your differences
(16:00):
can actually make you feelcloser together.
Well, that's our episode fortoday.
I hope we found it interestingand useful, but most of all, I'd
like to thank you for listening.
If you have a minute, please hitthe ride button and give us a
rating.
(16:20):
And I hope to see you again soonon another episode of sex, love
and couples therapy.
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's
therapist in San Francisco.
I wanna welcome you to sex loveand couple's therapy.
We all want to feel loved.
That's a universal desire, butsometimes instead of feeling
loving our relationships, feelconfusing, frustrating, and a
(00:28):
little crazy making the purposeof this podcast is to help you
clear up some of that confusionso that you and your partner can
find ways to make yourrelationship feel closer, more
connect in, more loving.
So stay tuned.
We've got a lot of great stuffto talk about, and now let's go
talk about my three favoritetopics, sex love and couples
(00:52):
therapy.
Today's topic is why did couplesfight on vacation?
Now that may seem kind offrivolous, but in fact, this is
a really big issue and I see itall the time in my, uh, couple's
therapy practice couples reallylook forward to going out on
(01:16):
vacation together without thekids.
They dream about all the stressfree time, just hanging out by
the pool, spending time with the, our partners, romance, sex,
intimacy, fun.
It just sounds great.
And yet, somehow for somereason, so many couples come
back from these wonderfulvacations feeling disappointed
(01:38):
and unhappy.
And today we're gonna try andfigure out why is that that
happens and how we can avoid it.
So your next couple vacation isa wonderful experience instead
of a bad memory.
I wanna start by talking about aconcept that may seem a little
(01:59):
counterintuitive, which is theidea that closeness, that
emotional intimacy can really behard couples often talk about
their desire to feel closer andmore connected, more emotionally
intimate, but while they saythey wanna be more emotionally
close, all that intimacy cansometimes just be difficult to
(02:22):
handle.
Some of us are very acomfortable and open to
closeness while others may feelmore comfortable with a little
distance, neither approach isright or wrong.
These are just different styles.
Simply reflect who we are as aperson, our personality, the
experiences good and bad thatwe've had in our life and how we
(02:45):
feel about being in a, but theproblem comes when you view your
style as the right one and yourpartner style as the wrong one,
then instead of accepting andembracing your partner for who
they are, the two of you engagein an ongoing battle to convince
(03:06):
the other that they need to bedifferent, that they need to
change their style, to be morelike your style.
And all I can say about that isgood luck.
How you accept deal with yourpartner, having a different
relationship style than you do.
It's interesting, but nowhere isthat struggle to adapt or accept
(03:27):
each other's relationship stylemore in your face than when the
two of you are on vacation.
And that's because when you'reat home in your usual routine,
you don't is the conflict andstyles nearly as much.
You've worked out how to balancethe time when you feel close in
(03:48):
the times, when you feel moreindependent, separate time is
built into your life.
Already.
You go to work to the gym, outwith a friend, spend time on
your hobbies.
And at the same time, youremotionally and physically
intimate time is also wellestablished.
You have sex on Saturdaymornings.
You go out to dinner on Fridaynights, you stay home and watch
movies on Wednesdays.
(04:10):
You cook a special dinner onSunday and you check in with
each other in the afternoonevery day at work.
So you've kind of worked outthis balance close time,
intimate time and separate time,a little distance, but when
you're on vacation, all thatstructure falls away.
And it's just the two of you.
(04:31):
There are no guardrails to helpyou or your partner stay in your
own lane, nor is there anyscaffolding to help you be more
connected.
So instead of easily movingbetween kind of these wonderful
opportunities to do some thingsalone, maybe you go off on a spa
day and other things together,afternoon sex, or you go to a
(04:53):
concert.
Instead, the vacation becomes anendless series of discussions,
debates, and negotiations abouthow you're gonna spend time and
that inevitably results in hardfeelings.
And that leads to fights.
And these fights feel sosurprising because all you're
trying to do is get closer toyour partner.
(05:15):
All you wanna do is feel closeand have a good time together.
But somehow when they don'trespond, the way hoped you end
up feeling hurt or abandoned oralone, and this happens over and
over and over again.
(05:46):
So let's give an example of afight that might happen.
I'll call this fighting whilesitting by the pool.
So you can imagine a couple whoare on vacation in Hawaii.
They wake up on their firstmorning.
They have that famous Polynesianbreakfast buffet, and then they
head out to sit by the pool andread their books.
Sounds like heaven, but afterabout an hour or so, Charlie
(06:09):
starts to feel restless andmakes noises about going on a
hike together or doing somethingon his let's get going.
Charlie says, I don't wannawaste the whole day doing
nothing.
Alex, either ignores Charlie orpushes back and says something
like we're in Hawaii.
Why can't you just relax andenjoy yourself like a normal
(06:30):
person within five minutes.
They're then deep into a fight afew minutes after that, Charlie
either storms off all by himselfor drags an unhappy Alex on a
hike and neither of them arehappy.
And neither of them quiteunderstand what just happened.
(06:54):
So this is not an unusual scene.
If you hang out at the pool, youwill see this happen time.
And again, throughout the dayand scenes like this reflect the
difficulty couples havemaintaining a loving connection
while also feeling independent.
Here are three examples of howthis might play out.
(07:15):
The first one, the first exampleis feeling different couples
like to think that they're all,they're like two peas in a pod,
comfortable and compatible, butin many relationships, the
partners have differentrelationship styles.
Just like we talked aboutearlier.
And these styles reflect whothey are as people and their
attachment styles, you know,kind of how they attach to each
(07:37):
other, how they deal with, withloving relationships.
One may seem to always be tryingto get closer to the other while
the partner feels morecomfortable with a little
distance and that tug of warbetween getting closer and
establishing distance really hasa tendency to create fights.
And then when you have someevent like reading of the pool
(08:00):
highlights this difference, itis the replay of so many
previous fights and it reallykind of stimulates them.
And it one reminds them of allthe ways in which the two of
your them are different.
Two, the feeling of beingdifferent from your partner
makes them feel a little anxiousor hurt.
And when you become anxiousabout your primary relationship,
(08:23):
naturally feel less connected.
You sense that something iswrong.
And then depending on yourrelationship style, you either
clamor for more closeness or youpull away either way, both
strategies of, of trying to getcloser or pulling away result in
your partner, feeling furtheraway.
(08:43):
And when you feel disconnectedfrom your partner, anything, and
I mean, anything can turn into afight.
Now, the next way that this showitself is in the idea of feeling
left or feeling left out, Alextalks about how much he enjoys
reading by the pool.
(09:04):
But what Alex really enjoys themost is the feeling of being
close and connected with Charlieas they sit there together, the
book is nice, but what's reallygreat for Alex is sitting with
Charlie.
So sitting by the pool reallymakes a much bigger, has a much
bigger meaning to Alex.
(09:25):
And when Charlie wants to leavethe pool, Alex feels hurt on an
attachment level.
Alex interprets this as Charlienot valuing at the connection
they're having at the pool.
Alex feels unloved and notimportant to Charlie.
What Alex really wants to sayis, Hey, I'm really enjoying
(09:48):
sitting here with you.
It makes me happy.
And, but it really makes me feelhurt that you don't want spend
time here sitting with me, butyou know, that's a really kind
of vulnerable and risky thing tosay.
So instead of saying thatvulnerable and risky and open
(10:08):
statement about how much heenjoys sitting with Charlie,
Alex sends Charlie a zinger andhe criticizes Charlie for not
knowing as he puts it, how torelax like a normal person.
Okay?
So instead of being open andsaying, it hurts my feelings
that you wanna leave, hecriticizes the way Charlie or
(10:31):
Charlie is really very common.
Then lastly, it's the idea offeeling unseen.
Charlie relaxes by being activeand sitting by the pool is not
Charlie's idea of fun.
Charlie does it for a while tomake Alex happy and to feel
(10:52):
close to Alex.
Cuz Charlie wants to feel closeto Alex too.
But after about an hour, it'sbeen enough sitting and enough
closeness and Charlie needs abreak.
What Charlie really wants to sayis, honey, I love you, but I
need some alone time.
Or I need for us to go dosomething more active.
But Charlie, doesn't say thisout of fear of hurting Alex's
(11:13):
feelings and Charlie startsbecoming anxious and a little
upset.
He doesn't know how to deal withhis conflict.
You know, he doesn't know how tocommunicate this with Alex.
So instead of communicatingthese confusing and vulnerable
feelings, Al comes a zinged andhe accuses Alex of wasting the
(11:35):
whole day.
What Charlie really wants is forAlex to see Charlie's distress
to that, he's different toaccept their different styles
and still feel how much Charlieloves Alex.
That's what he wants, but hedoesn't know how to ask for it.
So instead he sends the zinger.
(11:59):
So what we're really talkingabout is how to be different,
how to accept being differentand still stay close and stay
together, accepting you and yourpartners.
Different relationship style canbe challeng.
It is the primary issue thatbrings couples into couple
(12:19):
therapy.
Here are a few techniques tohelp you navigate these waters
on your next vacation.
One, talk about it before youleave.
Talk about how you each have adifferent need for being
together in separate time.
You know, you can say, I reallylove you, but sometimes I need
to go off and do things on myown.
(12:41):
I really look forward to gettingback together and telling you
what I've done.
You know, that's talking aboutboth how you need some separate
time and how you want to betogether.
Number two, get specific, talkabout when you're gonna be
together.
And when you'll be exploring onyour own, decide what activities
(13:03):
you want to do together andwhich activities are better as
solo adventures.
So kind of work through that alittle before you go next, be
flexible.
I mean, this is sounds easy, butit's actually hard.
Don't get locked into yourplans.
Try to stay open to changingthings up.
When you get to the destination,recognize things are gonna be
(13:27):
different.
You know, you're gonna seesomething that you hadn't
anticipated.
Try to be as open and flexibleas you can to trying new things
next.
Share one of the great thingsabout doing some activities
separately is that you can, theneach of you can bring something
new back to the relationship toput it simply it's something to
(13:50):
talk about.
That's different over dinner orover lunch.
So make sure that you did that.
You take the time to tell yourpartner about what you've done
while you've been a part.
This lets them share in yourexperience and brings you closer
together.
So it's so that's the importantthing to remember go off and do
something, but bring thatexperience back to the
(14:12):
relationship by telling yourpartner about it and then focus
on each other.
When are together, when you'retogether, be together.
There's a wonderful quote from aZen monk named Han and the
quote.
I, I love this quote.
(14:32):
When you love someone, the bestthing you offer is your
presence.
How can you love if you are notthere, this doesn't mean that
you need to be together all thetime.
Not at all.
It does mean that when you aretogether, Be fully together, be
(14:53):
there with your partner.
That makes all the difference.
And the last thing I'd like totalk about is how to manage this
process a little better.
And just how to talk about yourfeelings.
(15:15):
Vacation arguments may seem likethey're about pool time versus
shopping or visiting a museumversus taking a hike.
But that's not really what theargument is about in reality.
They're about our need for bothintimacy and independence.
Both partners want to feel alldis deeply connected, but they
(15:37):
need to connect in their ownway.
These are hard things to talkabout.
It can feel very risky to talkabout your need for closeness
and your need for independence,but it's a risk worth taking.
You may be surprised at howtalking about your differences
(16:00):
can actually make you feelcloser together.
Well, that's our episode fortoday.
I hope we found it interestingand useful, but most of all, I'd
like to thank you for listening.
If you have a minute, please hitthe ride button and give us a
rating.
(16:20):
And I hope to see you again soonon another episode of sex, love
and couples therapy.
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