February 27, 2022 • 14 mins
How many times have you heard the phrase "Say you're sorry", but when you try to apologize to your partner and it just seems to make things worse. That's because just saying "I'm sorry" isn't a real apology.
In this episode, you'll learn how to make a real apology, an apology that actually makes things better. How to apologize to your boyfriend, and how to apologize to your girlfriend.
And, most important of all, I'll show you how to avoid making the common mistakes that end up undermining your apology.
My name is Jacob Brown, and I'm a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. To learn more, visit:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's
therapist in San Francisco.
I wanna welcome you to sex loveand couple's therapy.
We all want to feel loved.
That's a universal desiresometimes instead of feeling
loving our relationships, feelconfusing, frustrating, and a
(00:27):
little crazy making The purposeof this podcast is to help you
clear up some of that confusionso that you and your partner can
find ways to make yourrelationship feel closer or
connect to do more loving.
So stay tuned.
We've got a lot of great stuffto talk about, and now let's go
talk about my three favoritetopics, sex love in couple's
(00:52):
therapy.
Today.
We're gonna talk a little bitabout how to make an apology.
Now that may seem like a sillything, cuz we all know how to
make an apology.
You say you're sorry, but itturns out that just saying
you're sorry is not a realapology.
And often doesn't do much help.
(01:14):
And in fact sometimes just makesthings even worse.
So today I'm gonna walk youthrough what I see as the five
to making a real apology, anapology that really helps the
situation.
Now it's not surprising that, um, we don't really know how to
make an apology very wellbecause all of us have been
(01:34):
taught from an early age, how togive bad apologies or fake
apologies.
You know, you probably remembersome time, you know, when you're
two or three and you're sittingin the sandbox at some point,
for whatever reason, you pick upyour little plastic shovel and
you Bon the kid next to you onthe head and almost instantly
(01:54):
some nearby parent comes up andsays to you say, you're sorry
and kids aren't stupid kidsreally quickly learn that.
All they have to do is utter themagic words.
I'm sorry, and everything isforgotten.
Then you could get back toplaying.
And if you're lucky, you mighteven get a juice box out of it.
But because that's what we'reraised with this kind of false,
(02:19):
I'm sorry, which everybodyknows.
Nobody means we never reallylearn how to make a real apology
cuz just saying, I'm sorry.
Isn't really enough.
Then when you're older and youbegin to have serious
relationships, either workcolleagues or friends or family
(02:40):
or intimate relationships with apartner, you can't help, but
sometimes hurt the people you'reclosest to.
It's unavoidable.
My wife and I have been togetherfor 41 years and you know, we
get along incredibly well.
And yet we still occasionallysay or do things that hurt the
others feelings.
(03:00):
You can't help it.
We're just human.
But we've learned through hardexperience.
I should add that a realapology, an authentic apology
goes a long way to repair anyinjury to the relationship as
adults.
We discover that the magic wordsaren't helpful anymore.
(03:22):
Even when you regret the actionswith all your heart.
In fact, as I said earlier,instead of making things better,
just saying you're sorry,sometimes seems to make
everything even worse.
And that is so confusing.
You just don't don't know whatto do.
And the problem is that in asense, we have the wrong goal.
(03:46):
The goal of an apology is not toget out of trouble or to have
the other person stop beingangry to you.
But that's what we think we'resupposed to do.
We're supposed to calm themdown, get them to like us again,
you know, get out out oftrouble.
And that's what we're taught asa kid.
But the real goal of an apologyis to mend a rift in your
(04:09):
relationship.
I don't care if it's a workrelationship or with your
partner when something'shappened, there's been a rift.
And the goal of the apology isto mend.
It it's is if the fabric of yourrelationship has been torn and
you are trying to sow it backtogether to make the repair, you
have to craft an apology that isboth authentic to you.
(04:33):
That means you mean it and ismeaningful to the other person.
It's not enough just to sh showthat you're sincere when you
apologize, the goal is to helpmend the rift.
And here, I want to say onething, if you don't mean it,
don't say it.
Okay.
(04:53):
There's nothing that does moredamage to a relationship than an
insincere apology.
So I'm going to walk you throughwhat I see as a five for making
a meaningful apology with mycouple's therapy clients, I
stress that a meaningful apologyhas several parts and each part
is important in helping to healthe damage.
(05:16):
Here are what I believe are thekey steps to an effective
apology.
But I want to remind you,apologies are hard.
They're difficult because youmight be embarrassed.
Um, you might be ashamed of whatyou did.
Um, you're afraid of what'sgonna happen.
You don't want to tell thetruth, cuz it's embarrassing.
(05:38):
Um, you're afraid of how they'regonna react to it.
It leaves you open to make it anhonest apology.
And for all those reasonsthey're hard to do and people
tend to back away from them.
So what I've added is also foreach step, I've also added the
ways that people unconsciouslyundermine their apology.
(06:00):
That's what they do is theyapologize.
And then they kind of snatch itback.
So here we go.
Let's walk through the, the fivesteps of a meaningful apology.
Step number one, I was wrong.
You have to start with a veryclear admission that you made a
mistake.
This is a critical first stepthat shows you understand that
(06:23):
what you did was wrong.
That at this point you, youdon't mention anything that they
did or their participation.
You have to say that you werewrong.
And if you don't think you werewrong, don't apologize.
Cuz that will just make mattersworse.
If you don't think you're wrong,there are lots of other ways to,
(06:45):
to mend the relationship, butmaking a fake apology that you
don't really believe will justcause more damage.
And then here's how peopleundermine that first step.
They try, try to justify theiractions.
They say something like, Ididn't really mean to say it.
I said that because what of whatyou did or I was still angry
(07:08):
over our last fight.
All these statements, tell yourpartner that your, what you
really feel is it wasn't yourfault.
And when you started an apologyby saying, it's not your fault,
it is no longer an apology.
Granted, they may also have somerole in what happened.
That's a separate issue.
(07:30):
This is your apology.
Keep the focus on your behavior.
Step two, I see that I hurt you.
Let them know that you see thatyour actions hurt them and that
you don't blame from them forbeing upset.
That's really important.
(07:51):
You see that what you did hurtthem.
And naturally they're upset bywhat you did and that, that you
understand that.
So how do people undermine thisstep?
It's very painful when you hurtyour partner.
So people naturally try tominimize the impact of what
(08:11):
they've done.
People say things like you'reoverreacting or it wasn't that
bad or you're too sensitive.
These are just ways that peopletry and shift some of the blame,
a onto the partner.
It's essentially saying it'syour own fault for feeling hurt.
(08:31):
You have to recognize that they,that what you did hurt them and
that it's you understand thatwhy they're hurt Step three.
I understand how you feelShowing empathy for your partner
is an important part of anapology.
You show empathy bydemonstrating that you can see
(08:54):
things through their eyes andconnect with how they feel.
It's really important that youcan see things the way they,
they see it.
It doesn't mean you have toagree with them, but you have to
be able to understand the waythey see what happened and why
they're reacting that way.
(09:15):
How do people under mind thisstep?
Well, they argue with how theirpartner is interpreting what
happened instead of trying tosee it through their eyes, they
try to convince their partnerthat they're wrong.
They sing.
They say things like youshouldn't feel that way or I
wasn't trying to hurt you.
Or you always twist the, Andthis is just another way of
(09:40):
telling them that they're wrongto be upset.
Step four.
I feel Fill in the blank Alongwith showing that you understand
how they feel.
You need to communicate pain,that you feel that you
experience when you see howyou've hurt them.
(10:03):
For example, you might say, Ifeel horrible when I see the
pain that I've caused you.
So you have to communicate tothem.
Not just that you're saying,you're sorry, but that you feel
hurt that see their pain and ithas hurt you.
So that, that way they don'tfeel like they're in this all by
(10:26):
themselves, that you're in thistogether.
How do people undermine thisstep?
Well, three things.
One, they make it about theirpain and take the focus of off
the injured partner.
So they really focus on howterrible they feel.
Oh, I feel terrible.
I feel like a piece of trash.
That's all about them and notabout the partner.
(10:49):
They turn it into a play forsympathy for their partner.
So they try to get their partnerto be sympathetic for their
pain.
And lastly, they blame partnerfor making them feel bad.
The partner's not making themfeel bad.
They are feeling bad becausethey've hurt their partner.
And here's the last one.
(11:10):
Step five.
I won't do it again.
That's so clear.
So easy, but something thatpeople forget, Make it clear
that you've learned fromexperience and that you are
making a committed effort to notrepeat your behavior.
You don't have to be perfect,but you have to make it clear
(11:31):
that you're really trying tochange that you're really trying
to not make this happen again.
That is so important and someaningful to know that you're
to change.
And how do people undermine thisstep?
People make empty promises justas a way of appeasing their
(11:51):
partner, but they don't reallymake a sincere effort to change.
Then if you repeat the sameaction, the damage is even worse
because now the partner isdealing with the pain from the
first time and the second timeand feels that you don't think
they're important.
(12:12):
If you wont don't even bother totry to change.
And that is the damage.
The fact that they then feel sounimportant to you, that you're
not even trying to mend yourways and that is a killer.
So those are the five steps.
(12:32):
And I wanna remind you twothings.
One that the goal of the apologyis not to get you out of trouble
or get them to stop being mad.
It's not a get out of jail freecard.
It's a sincere attempt to workwith your partner to mend the
rift that you've caused in therelationship.
(12:55):
And it's important to rememberthat your apology is an effort
to restore your partner'sfeeling of safety and trust in
the relationship.
When you hurt your partner, itmakes him or her feel like it's
not safe to be with you.
The apology is your effort toprove that you can and will take
care of them.
(13:16):
You are telling them that it'simportant to you, that they feel
safe.
I hope that was useful and comesin handy.
The next time as we all do, wemake a mistake with our
partners.
Give it a thought.
Think about that.
You might even share thisbefore.
There's a need with your partnerand talk about what this means
(13:37):
and how you guys might makebetter apologies with each
other.
Well, that's our episode fortoday.
I hope we found it interestingand useful, but most of all, I'd
like to thank you for listening.
If you have a minute, please hitthe subscribe button and give us
a rating.
And I hope to see you again soonon another episode of sex, love
(13:59):
and couples therapy.
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's
therapist in San Francisco.
I wanna welcome you to sex loveand couple's therapy.
We all want to feel loved.
That's a universal desiresometimes instead of feeling
loving our relationships, feelconfusing, frustrating, and a
(00:27):
little crazy making The purposeof this podcast is to help you
clear up some of that confusionso that you and your partner can
find ways to make yourrelationship feel closer or
connect to do more loving.
So stay tuned.
We've got a lot of great stuffto talk about, and now let's go
talk about my three favoritetopics, sex love in couple's
(00:52):
therapy.
Today.
We're gonna talk a little bitabout how to make an apology.
Now that may seem like a sillything, cuz we all know how to
make an apology.
You say you're sorry, but itturns out that just saying
you're sorry is not a realapology.
And often doesn't do much help.
(01:14):
And in fact sometimes just makesthings even worse.
So today I'm gonna walk youthrough what I see as the five
to making a real apology, anapology that really helps the
situation.
Now it's not surprising that, um, we don't really know how to
make an apology very wellbecause all of us have been
(01:34):
taught from an early age, how togive bad apologies or fake
apologies.
You know, you probably remembersome time, you know, when you're
two or three and you're sittingin the sandbox at some point,
for whatever reason, you pick upyour little plastic shovel and
you Bon the kid next to you onthe head and almost instantly
(01:54):
some nearby parent comes up andsays to you say, you're sorry
and kids aren't stupid kidsreally quickly learn that.
All they have to do is utter themagic words.
I'm sorry, and everything isforgotten.
Then you could get back toplaying.
And if you're lucky, you mighteven get a juice box out of it.
But because that's what we'reraised with this kind of false,
(02:19):
I'm sorry, which everybodyknows.
Nobody means we never reallylearn how to make a real apology
cuz just saying, I'm sorry.
Isn't really enough.
Then when you're older and youbegin to have serious
relationships, either workcolleagues or friends or family
(02:40):
or intimate relationships with apartner, you can't help, but
sometimes hurt the people you'reclosest to.
It's unavoidable.
My wife and I have been togetherfor 41 years and you know, we
get along incredibly well.
And yet we still occasionallysay or do things that hurt the
others feelings.
(03:00):
You can't help it.
We're just human.
But we've learned through hardexperience.
I should add that a realapology, an authentic apology
goes a long way to repair anyinjury to the relationship as
adults.
We discover that the magic wordsaren't helpful anymore.
(03:22):
Even when you regret the actionswith all your heart.
In fact, as I said earlier,instead of making things better,
just saying you're sorry,sometimes seems to make
everything even worse.
And that is so confusing.
You just don't don't know whatto do.
And the problem is that in asense, we have the wrong goal.
(03:46):
The goal of an apology is not toget out of trouble or to have
the other person stop beingangry to you.
But that's what we think we'resupposed to do.
We're supposed to calm themdown, get them to like us again,
you know, get out out oftrouble.
And that's what we're taught asa kid.
But the real goal of an apologyis to mend a rift in your
(04:09):
relationship.
I don't care if it's a workrelationship or with your
partner when something'shappened, there's been a rift.
And the goal of the apology isto mend.
It it's is if the fabric of yourrelationship has been torn and
you are trying to sow it backtogether to make the repair, you
have to craft an apology that isboth authentic to you.
(04:33):
That means you mean it and ismeaningful to the other person.
It's not enough just to sh showthat you're sincere when you
apologize, the goal is to helpmend the rift.
And here, I want to say onething, if you don't mean it,
don't say it.
Okay.
(04:53):
There's nothing that does moredamage to a relationship than an
insincere apology.
So I'm going to walk you throughwhat I see as a five for making
a meaningful apology with mycouple's therapy clients, I
stress that a meaningful apologyhas several parts and each part
is important in helping to healthe damage.
(05:16):
Here are what I believe are thekey steps to an effective
apology.
But I want to remind you,apologies are hard.
They're difficult because youmight be embarrassed.
Um, you might be ashamed of whatyou did.
Um, you're afraid of what'sgonna happen.
You don't want to tell thetruth, cuz it's embarrassing.
(05:38):
Um, you're afraid of how they'regonna react to it.
It leaves you open to make it anhonest apology.
And for all those reasonsthey're hard to do and people
tend to back away from them.
So what I've added is also foreach step, I've also added the
ways that people unconsciouslyundermine their apology.
(06:00):
That's what they do is theyapologize.
And then they kind of snatch itback.
So here we go.
Let's walk through the, the fivesteps of a meaningful apology.
Step number one, I was wrong.
You have to start with a veryclear admission that you made a
mistake.
This is a critical first stepthat shows you understand that
(06:23):
what you did was wrong.
That at this point you, youdon't mention anything that they
did or their participation.
You have to say that you werewrong.
And if you don't think you werewrong, don't apologize.
Cuz that will just make mattersworse.
If you don't think you're wrong,there are lots of other ways to,
(06:45):
to mend the relationship, butmaking a fake apology that you
don't really believe will justcause more damage.
And then here's how peopleundermine that first step.
They try, try to justify theiractions.
They say something like, Ididn't really mean to say it.
I said that because what of whatyou did or I was still angry
(07:08):
over our last fight.
All these statements, tell yourpartner that your, what you
really feel is it wasn't yourfault.
And when you started an apologyby saying, it's not your fault,
it is no longer an apology.
Granted, they may also have somerole in what happened.
That's a separate issue.
(07:30):
This is your apology.
Keep the focus on your behavior.
Step two, I see that I hurt you.
Let them know that you see thatyour actions hurt them and that
you don't blame from them forbeing upset.
That's really important.
(07:51):
You see that what you did hurtthem.
And naturally they're upset bywhat you did and that, that you
understand that.
So how do people undermine thisstep?
It's very painful when you hurtyour partner.
So people naturally try tominimize the impact of what
(08:11):
they've done.
People say things like you'reoverreacting or it wasn't that
bad or you're too sensitive.
These are just ways that peopletry and shift some of the blame,
a onto the partner.
It's essentially saying it'syour own fault for feeling hurt.
(08:31):
You have to recognize that they,that what you did hurt them and
that it's you understand thatwhy they're hurt Step three.
I understand how you feelShowing empathy for your partner
is an important part of anapology.
You show empathy bydemonstrating that you can see
(08:54):
things through their eyes andconnect with how they feel.
It's really important that youcan see things the way they,
they see it.
It doesn't mean you have toagree with them, but you have to
be able to understand the waythey see what happened and why
they're reacting that way.
(09:15):
How do people under mind thisstep?
Well, they argue with how theirpartner is interpreting what
happened instead of trying tosee it through their eyes, they
try to convince their partnerthat they're wrong.
They sing.
They say things like youshouldn't feel that way or I
wasn't trying to hurt you.
Or you always twist the, Andthis is just another way of
(09:40):
telling them that they're wrongto be upset.
Step four.
I feel Fill in the blank Alongwith showing that you understand
how they feel.
You need to communicate pain,that you feel that you
experience when you see howyou've hurt them.
(10:03):
For example, you might say, Ifeel horrible when I see the
pain that I've caused you.
So you have to communicate tothem.
Not just that you're saying,you're sorry, but that you feel
hurt that see their pain and ithas hurt you.
So that, that way they don'tfeel like they're in this all by
(10:26):
themselves, that you're in thistogether.
How do people undermine thisstep?
Well, three things.
One, they make it about theirpain and take the focus of off
the injured partner.
So they really focus on howterrible they feel.
Oh, I feel terrible.
I feel like a piece of trash.
That's all about them and notabout the partner.
(10:49):
They turn it into a play forsympathy for their partner.
So they try to get their partnerto be sympathetic for their
pain.
And lastly, they blame partnerfor making them feel bad.
The partner's not making themfeel bad.
They are feeling bad becausethey've hurt their partner.
And here's the last one.
(11:10):
Step five.
I won't do it again.
That's so clear.
So easy, but something thatpeople forget, Make it clear
that you've learned fromexperience and that you are
making a committed effort to notrepeat your behavior.
You don't have to be perfect,but you have to make it clear
(11:31):
that you're really trying tochange that you're really trying
to not make this happen again.
That is so important and someaningful to know that you're
to change.
And how do people undermine thisstep?
People make empty promises justas a way of appeasing their
(11:51):
partner, but they don't reallymake a sincere effort to change.
Then if you repeat the sameaction, the damage is even worse
because now the partner isdealing with the pain from the
first time and the second timeand feels that you don't think
they're important.
(12:12):
If you wont don't even bother totry to change.
And that is the damage.
The fact that they then feel sounimportant to you, that you're
not even trying to mend yourways and that is a killer.
So those are the five steps.
(12:32):
And I wanna remind you twothings.
One that the goal of the apologyis not to get you out of trouble
or get them to stop being mad.
It's not a get out of jail freecard.
It's a sincere attempt to workwith your partner to mend the
rift that you've caused in therelationship.
(12:55):
And it's important to rememberthat your apology is an effort
to restore your partner'sfeeling of safety and trust in
the relationship.
When you hurt your partner, itmakes him or her feel like it's
not safe to be with you.
The apology is your effort toprove that you can and will take
care of them.
(13:16):
You are telling them that it'simportant to you, that they feel
safe.
I hope that was useful and comesin handy.
The next time as we all do, wemake a mistake with our
partners.
Give it a thought.
Think about that.
You might even share thisbefore.
There's a need with your partnerand talk about what this means
(13:37):
and how you guys might makebetter apologies with each
other.
Well, that's our episode fortoday.
I hope we found it interestingand useful, but most of all, I'd
like to thank you for listening.
If you have a minute, please hitthe subscribe button and give us
a rating.
And I hope to see you again soonon another episode of sex, love
(13:59):
and couples therapy.
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