February 27, 2022 • 14 mins
In this episode, we're going to talk about how you can have a meaningful and important sex life no matter how old you are.
The idea that seniors aren't interested in sex or stop having sex is a lie. Older adults and older couples are very interested in sex. Sex, emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy are important parts of our lives and our relationships no matter what your age.
For many older adults feel a deep sense of shame about their aging bodies, and they find it very difficult to talk openly and honestly with their partner about sex. For many, it's easier to give up on sex than to talk about it.
My name is Jacob Brown and I'm a Couples Therapist in San Francisco. To learn more you can visit:
My Blog
My Website
Article on When Couples Stop Having Sex
Make sure to subscribe to my Podcast and leave us a rating. Thanks!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's
therapist in San Francisco.
I wanna welcome you to sex loveand couple's therapy.
We all want to feel loved.
That's a universal desire, butsometimes instead of feeling
loving our relationships, feelconfusing, frustrating, and a
(00:27):
little crazy making The purposeof this podcast is to help you
clear up some of that confusionso that you and your partner can
find ways to make yourrelationship feel closer, more
connect, to do more loving.
So stay tuned.
We've got a lot of great stuffto talk about, and now let's go
talk about my three favoritetopics, sex love, and couples
(00:52):
therapy.
Hi, and today we're gonna talk alittle, little bit about senior
sex.
What I mean about by that is sexfor people who are, let's say in
their sixties or seventies oreighties, or I've had clients in
their nineties that are stillsexually active.
(01:14):
So we're gonna talk about thechallenges of senior sex and
dealing with changing bodies.
Okay.
I think it's a reallyinteresting topic and it may not
be relevant to you today, butone of these days you two are
gonna be a senior wanting tohave sex.
So listen in now the truth isthe world doesn't like to talk
(01:37):
about senior sex.
You know, people just get thatfeeling that used to have when
you were a, and you thoughtabout your parents having sex,
that just kind of, Ugh, andthat's just the way it is the
world doesn't like to talk aboutor think about older adults.
Having sex people would preferto pretend that older couples
(02:00):
don't have sex.
They don't want sex.
They don't even want to think,think about sex, but for those
of us who are 65 or older, weknow that's just not the truth.
Older couples think about sex.
They want sex.
They miss sex.
If they're not having it, theyneed sex.
Sex remains an important part oftheir lives of everyone's life.
(02:23):
No matter what their age,whether you're having sex or
not.
The idea of sex is a part ofevery relationship, every
intimate relationship that youmight be in no matter what your
age, but we, the truth is welive in, in an age of society.
That means we live in a kind ofa, a youth oriented beauty
(02:46):
oriented society.
And it makes it hard for peoplewho are older to talk about sex,
but we're gonna do that now forcouples in their sixties,
seventies, eighties, and beyondthe desire for sex.
Doesn't just disappear.
Men and women want and need toexperience a physical expression
(03:07):
of intimacy, close closeness andlove, no matter what, their age
on another podcast.
I talked about sex being kind ofa language of the relat it's the
vehicle or one of the vehiclesthat the partners use to both
express love and connection andcloseness, and to receive or
(03:28):
experience love, and connectionand closeness.
And that language of lovedoesn't go away just because
you've gotten older and the needfor physical and emotional
intimacy is central to whatmakes us human.
It's literally hardwired intoour DNA to have relationships
(03:49):
and to feel connected and closeand sex for older couples is
just as important as it is foryounger couples.
It's different, absolutelydifferent, but is important.
But while the desire for someform of physical connection, is
there older couples also have toaccept and adjust to the reality
(04:09):
that their bodies have changedwith age senior sex is different
from sex in your twenties andthirties.
It's just the truth.
And as we move from running towalking or from singles tennis
to doubles tennis, as we age,the way we experience sex has to
reflect how our bodies work orin some case don't work today.
(04:33):
And one of the biggest problemsis people feel a deep sense of
shame that they can't have sexthe way they used to, maybe not
as often or not that same kindof level of passion or
physically, they can't do whatthey used to be able to do.
And instead of seeing that as apart of the aging process and
(04:54):
accepting it, they experiencethat as shame and that shame men
that really gets in the way ofhaving and enjoy a sex life at
every age, younger or older,talking about sex is the gateway
to having better sex.
But unfortunately talking aboutsex can be really difficult for
people.
(05:14):
You know, the other day, I sawan article on the best positions
for senior sex, and I thinkthat's just a pretty stupid in
ridiculous article as if havinggood sex is just about the
physical position you're in.
You know, and also it's kind ofages because I guarantee they'd
never write an article about thebest position for sex in your
thirties, such that they justwouldn't even think about that.
(05:37):
And it assumes that somehow allseniors and senior bodies and
senior attitudes are the same,you know, and there's no such
thing as the best position forolder couples to have sex.
There's only what works for youas a couple.
And the most important part offinding out what works for you
as a couple is a willingness totalk about sex and talk about
(05:59):
what's working and what isn'twhat's happening.
And what's is what isn't andwhat it's like to be together.
But talking about sex is mucheasier, said than done.
We've all grown up with so manytaboos around our bodies and
said X, that it can really behard to communicate.
(06:20):
It's sad, but many oldercouples, actually many couples
of all ages have stopped havingsex, even though both partners
want to have sex.
And the barrier isn't physicalit's that one or both partners
are just too embarrassed or feeltoo much shame to admit to their
partner, that things havechanged and they can't perform
(06:41):
the way they used to perform, orthey don't feel the way they
used to feel.
Instead of talking about it.
They'll just say, I don't wantto, I can't, we're too old.
I've given up that part of mylife deeper and more
conversation is too scary, toorisky, too vulnerable, and
(07:03):
brings up too much shame whenyou're younger, sex is all about
intercourse.
Everything else is justforeplay.
But as we age, traditionalintercourse may no longer be an
option.
Many, a postmenopausal womenexperience, painful intercourse
that just can't be solvedmedically, no matter how much
(07:24):
lube they use.
And many older men have troublemaintaining, even with
medication, they can't maintainan erection.
And it's the same for orgasmswhen you're younger, good sex
means everybody has an orgasmthat may not always be the case
for older men and women, manyolder men and women have trouble
reaching orgasm.
(07:45):
It's just a physiologicalchange.
So while sex for older couplesis different.
That doesn't mean it can't begood sex.
And it doesn't mean it's notimportant and meaningful for
both partners and for therelationship.
You know, I don't believe theseclaims.
I sometimes read that sex after60 is better than sex in your
(08:05):
twenties.
Eh, I'm not sure I buy that, butI do know that older couples can
have an active, meaningful, andsatisfying sex life, but it
requires that they open theirmind, let go.
Of some of their prejudice says,let go of some of the shame and
share their feelings with theirpartner.
(08:27):
And I also know that that's noteasy.
It's just not easy, but thatopening of feelings and sharing
with your partner about sex isreally the gateway to better sex
or more, or feeling closer andmore connected.
One of the ways I look at thatis that senior sex is about
(08:49):
shifting from sexual intercourseto sexual intimacy.
So what does sex mean ifintercourse can't happen or
orgasms aren't assure things, orsometimes it works or sometimes
it doesn't.
So what is sex then if you'reolder?
Well, that is the core questionthat every older CU couple must
(09:10):
do their best to address openlyhonestly, and leveling lovingly.
And the answer will be differentfor each couple.
There's no such thing as theright kind of sex or the, what
is the good sex versus bad sex.
This is something that thecouple works out together, and
it comes through a discussion inwhich each person must find
(09:34):
compassion themselves, theirbody, as well as for their
partner, cuz it's only throughcompassion for ourselves and our
partner that we can truly acceptthe changes that have been
taking place in our bodies.
And until we accept the waythings are now, we can't really
(09:54):
enjoy this sex that we're havingnow to its fullest.
Cuz we're always thinking thatit's bad sex or not as good sex,
or I wish I had the old kind ofsex and man, that's just a waste
of time by accepting what is nowwe can enjoy what is now to, to
its fullest.
So depending on how the couple'sbodies and attitudes and how
(10:16):
they operate, some couples maymove from defining sex as sexual
intercourse to sexual intimacy.
Sexual intimacy is physicalintimacy that may or may not
include intercourse or orgasmsholding stroking, touching,
kissing, loving.
These are at the core of sexualcloseness and sexual intimacy.
(10:38):
These are the elements that therelationship can't live without
this closeness actuallygenerates a hormonal response
called oxytocin that changesbrain chemistry and makes us
feel happier and more content.
We don't need to be havingintercourse and orgasms to get
that, but we do have to havesexual and emotional intimacy
(11:01):
and often our shame over the waywe can or can't operate sexually
gets in the way and prevents usfrom being able to have sexual
and emotional intimacy.
And if we can't have that, welose so much physical intimacy
is vital to the health of therelationship, whether it has
(11:25):
sexual intercourse in it or notthat physical intimacy, that
emotional intimacy is a corepart of the relationship.
It is a meaningful, intimate anddeeply satisfying experience.
Whether either partner has anorgasm or not, we all love
orgasms, but as human beings, wecrave closeness and connection
(11:49):
that closeness and connectionthat need for that emotional
intimacy is way beyond the needfor actual intercourse, but
adapting our sex life to be insync with our older bodies
requires courage.
The courage to change thecourage, to be open the courage,
to accept the courage, to behonest and vulnerable with our
(12:12):
partner to open up and talkabout this, we have to open our
minds and get away from the ideathat if it's not traditional
intercourse, then it's notreally sex.
That path only leads todissatisfaction and loneliness.
The evolution of sexuality isnot really a glass half fuller
glass, half empty issue.
(12:32):
It's except thing that it's adifferent kind of glass and this
new glass is full and wonderfulas it is.
It's true that we may feelsadness or grief over the loss
of what our sex lives used to belike, but we can't let that loss
get in the way of being open toa new sexual life that is
different, but the important,vibrant and satisfying talking
(12:58):
to your partner about what sexis like today, what you would
like, what you can do, what youwanna do, what it feels like to
be together.
That's the gateway to having awonderful, intimate, emotionally
connected relationship.
It's not about how big theerection, how many times you do
(13:18):
it or what kind of sex you'rehaving.
It's about forming that intimateconnection.
That's what makes therelationship meaningful.
I hope you found that.
Interesting.
I hope you found it useful.
I really would appreciate if youleave me a comment or some
thoughts.
Thanks so much.
(13:42):
Well, that's our episode fortoday.
I hope we found it interestingand useful, but most of all, I'd
like to thank you for listening.
If you have a minute, please hitthe subscribe button and give us
a rating.
And I hope to see you againsoon.
On another episode, episode ofsex, love and couples therapy.
Hi, my name is Jacob Brown and I'm a couple's
therapist in San Francisco.
I wanna welcome you to sex loveand couple's therapy.
We all want to feel loved.
That's a universal desire, butsometimes instead of feeling
loving our relationships, feelconfusing, frustrating, and a
(00:27):
little crazy making The purposeof this podcast is to help you
clear up some of that confusionso that you and your partner can
find ways to make yourrelationship feel closer, more
connect, to do more loving.
So stay tuned.
We've got a lot of great stuffto talk about, and now let's go
talk about my three favoritetopics, sex love, and couples
(00:52):
therapy.
Hi, and today we're gonna talk alittle, little bit about senior
sex.
What I mean about by that is sexfor people who are, let's say in
their sixties or seventies oreighties, or I've had clients in
their nineties that are stillsexually active.
(01:14):
So we're gonna talk about thechallenges of senior sex and
dealing with changing bodies.
Okay.
I think it's a reallyinteresting topic and it may not
be relevant to you today, butone of these days you two are
gonna be a senior wanting tohave sex.
So listen in now the truth isthe world doesn't like to talk
(01:37):
about senior sex.
You know, people just get thatfeeling that used to have when
you were a, and you thoughtabout your parents having sex,
that just kind of, Ugh, andthat's just the way it is the
world doesn't like to talk aboutor think about older adults.
Having sex people would preferto pretend that older couples
(02:00):
don't have sex.
They don't want sex.
They don't even want to think,think about sex, but for those
of us who are 65 or older, weknow that's just not the truth.
Older couples think about sex.
They want sex.
They miss sex.
If they're not having it, theyneed sex.
Sex remains an important part oftheir lives of everyone's life.
(02:23):
No matter what their age,whether you're having sex or
not.
The idea of sex is a part ofevery relationship, every
intimate relationship that youmight be in no matter what your
age, but we, the truth is welive in, in an age of society.
That means we live in a kind ofa, a youth oriented beauty
(02:46):
oriented society.
And it makes it hard for peoplewho are older to talk about sex,
but we're gonna do that now forcouples in their sixties,
seventies, eighties, and beyondthe desire for sex.
Doesn't just disappear.
Men and women want and need toexperience a physical expression
(03:07):
of intimacy, close closeness andlove, no matter what, their age
on another podcast.
I talked about sex being kind ofa language of the relat it's the
vehicle or one of the vehiclesthat the partners use to both
express love and connection andcloseness, and to receive or
(03:28):
experience love, and connectionand closeness.
And that language of lovedoesn't go away just because
you've gotten older and the needfor physical and emotional
intimacy is central to whatmakes us human.
It's literally hardwired intoour DNA to have relationships
(03:49):
and to feel connected and closeand sex for older couples is
just as important as it is foryounger couples.
It's different, absolutelydifferent, but is important.
But while the desire for someform of physical connection, is
there older couples also have toaccept and adjust to the reality
(04:09):
that their bodies have changedwith age senior sex is different
from sex in your twenties andthirties.
It's just the truth.
And as we move from running towalking or from singles tennis
to doubles tennis, as we age,the way we experience sex has to
reflect how our bodies work orin some case don't work today.
(04:33):
And one of the biggest problemsis people feel a deep sense of
shame that they can't have sexthe way they used to, maybe not
as often or not that same kindof level of passion or
physically, they can't do whatthey used to be able to do.
And instead of seeing that as apart of the aging process and
(04:54):
accepting it, they experiencethat as shame and that shame men
that really gets in the way ofhaving and enjoy a sex life at
every age, younger or older,talking about sex is the gateway
to having better sex.
But unfortunately talking aboutsex can be really difficult for
people.
(05:14):
You know, the other day, I sawan article on the best positions
for senior sex, and I thinkthat's just a pretty stupid in
ridiculous article as if havinggood sex is just about the
physical position you're in.
You know, and also it's kind ofages because I guarantee they'd
never write an article about thebest position for sex in your
thirties, such that they justwouldn't even think about that.
(05:37):
And it assumes that somehow allseniors and senior bodies and
senior attitudes are the same,you know, and there's no such
thing as the best position forolder couples to have sex.
There's only what works for youas a couple.
And the most important part offinding out what works for you
as a couple is a willingness totalk about sex and talk about
(05:59):
what's working and what isn'twhat's happening.
And what's is what isn't andwhat it's like to be together.
But talking about sex is mucheasier, said than done.
We've all grown up with so manytaboos around our bodies and
said X, that it can really behard to communicate.
(06:20):
It's sad, but many oldercouples, actually many couples
of all ages have stopped havingsex, even though both partners
want to have sex.
And the barrier isn't physicalit's that one or both partners
are just too embarrassed or feeltoo much shame to admit to their
partner, that things havechanged and they can't perform
(06:41):
the way they used to perform, orthey don't feel the way they
used to feel.
Instead of talking about it.
They'll just say, I don't wantto, I can't, we're too old.
I've given up that part of mylife deeper and more
conversation is too scary, toorisky, too vulnerable, and
(07:03):
brings up too much shame whenyou're younger, sex is all about
intercourse.
Everything else is justforeplay.
But as we age, traditionalintercourse may no longer be an
option.
Many, a postmenopausal womenexperience, painful intercourse
that just can't be solvedmedically, no matter how much
(07:24):
lube they use.
And many older men have troublemaintaining, even with
medication, they can't maintainan erection.
And it's the same for orgasmswhen you're younger, good sex
means everybody has an orgasmthat may not always be the case
for older men and women, manyolder men and women have trouble
reaching orgasm.
(07:45):
It's just a physiologicalchange.
So while sex for older couplesis different.
That doesn't mean it can't begood sex.
And it doesn't mean it's notimportant and meaningful for
both partners and for therelationship.
You know, I don't believe theseclaims.
I sometimes read that sex after60 is better than sex in your
(08:05):
twenties.
Eh, I'm not sure I buy that, butI do know that older couples can
have an active, meaningful, andsatisfying sex life, but it
requires that they open theirmind, let go.
Of some of their prejudice says,let go of some of the shame and
share their feelings with theirpartner.
(08:27):
And I also know that that's noteasy.
It's just not easy, but thatopening of feelings and sharing
with your partner about sex isreally the gateway to better sex
or more, or feeling closer andmore connected.
One of the ways I look at thatis that senior sex is about
(08:49):
shifting from sexual intercourseto sexual intimacy.
So what does sex mean ifintercourse can't happen or
orgasms aren't assure things, orsometimes it works or sometimes
it doesn't.
So what is sex then if you'reolder?
Well, that is the core questionthat every older CU couple must
(09:10):
do their best to address openlyhonestly, and leveling lovingly.
And the answer will be differentfor each couple.
There's no such thing as theright kind of sex or the, what
is the good sex versus bad sex.
This is something that thecouple works out together, and
it comes through a discussion inwhich each person must find
(09:34):
compassion themselves, theirbody, as well as for their
partner, cuz it's only throughcompassion for ourselves and our
partner that we can truly acceptthe changes that have been
taking place in our bodies.
And until we accept the waythings are now, we can't really
(09:54):
enjoy this sex that we're havingnow to its fullest.
Cuz we're always thinking thatit's bad sex or not as good sex,
or I wish I had the old kind ofsex and man, that's just a waste
of time by accepting what is nowwe can enjoy what is now to, to
its fullest.
So depending on how the couple'sbodies and attitudes and how
(10:16):
they operate, some couples maymove from defining sex as sexual
intercourse to sexual intimacy.
Sexual intimacy is physicalintimacy that may or may not
include intercourse or orgasmsholding stroking, touching,
kissing, loving.
These are at the core of sexualcloseness and sexual intimacy.
(10:38):
These are the elements that therelationship can't live without
this closeness actuallygenerates a hormonal response
called oxytocin that changesbrain chemistry and makes us
feel happier and more content.
We don't need to be havingintercourse and orgasms to get
that, but we do have to havesexual and emotional intimacy
(11:01):
and often our shame over the waywe can or can't operate sexually
gets in the way and prevents usfrom being able to have sexual
and emotional intimacy.
And if we can't have that, welose so much physical intimacy
is vital to the health of therelationship, whether it has
(11:25):
sexual intercourse in it or notthat physical intimacy, that
emotional intimacy is a corepart of the relationship.
It is a meaningful, intimate anddeeply satisfying experience.
Whether either partner has anorgasm or not, we all love
orgasms, but as human beings, wecrave closeness and connection
(11:49):
that closeness and connectionthat need for that emotional
intimacy is way beyond the needfor actual intercourse, but
adapting our sex life to be insync with our older bodies
requires courage.
The courage to change thecourage, to be open the courage,
to accept the courage, to behonest and vulnerable with our
(12:12):
partner to open up and talkabout this, we have to open our
minds and get away from the ideathat if it's not traditional
intercourse, then it's notreally sex.
That path only leads todissatisfaction and loneliness.
The evolution of sexuality isnot really a glass half fuller
glass, half empty issue.
(12:32):
It's except thing that it's adifferent kind of glass and this
new glass is full and wonderfulas it is.
It's true that we may feelsadness or grief over the loss
of what our sex lives used to belike, but we can't let that loss
get in the way of being open toa new sexual life that is
different, but the important,vibrant and satisfying talking
(12:58):
to your partner about what sexis like today, what you would
like, what you can do, what youwanna do, what it feels like to
be together.
That's the gateway to having awonderful, intimate, emotionally
connected relationship.
It's not about how big theerection, how many times you do
(13:18):
it or what kind of sex you'rehaving.
It's about forming that intimateconnection.
That's what makes therelationship meaningful.
I hope you found that.
Interesting.
I hope you found it useful.
I really would appreciate if youleave me a comment or some
thoughts.
Thanks so much.
(13:42):
Well, that's our episode fortoday.
I hope we found it interestingand useful, but most of all, I'd
like to thank you for listening.
If you have a minute, please hitthe subscribe button and give us
a rating.
And I hope to see you againsoon.
On another episode, episode ofsex, love and couples therapy.
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