Unlock Your Desire: Day 1 - The Sexual Desire Matrix
Welcome to Day 1 of the 'Unlock Your Desire' challenge! In this session, Tarisha introduces the Sexual Desire Matrix, a powerful framework she developed to help women reclaim their sexual desire and enhance their lives. This training is ideal for women wanting to break free from restricted lives, connect with their sensuality, and experience fulfilling intimacy. Tarisha shares insights on the profound impact of sexual desire on self-esteem, body image, and relationships. Join this transformative journey to unlock the power and beauty of your sexuality.
00:00 Introduction to the Unlock Your Desire Challenge
00:53 Understanding the Sexual Desire Matrix
01:18 The Profound Impact of Sexual Desire
02:13 Real-Life Transformations and Testimonials
02:58 Common Struggles with Sexuality
03:50 Consequences of Lack of Sexual Desire
04:59 Statistics on Sexual Dissatisfaction
05:46 Connecting to Your Deepest Desires
06:35 The Benefits of Igniting Sexual Desire
07:08 Special Connections and Emotional Intimacy
07:47 Empowering Women in Relationships and Single Life
09:31 About Tarisha
Your host:
Tarisha Tourok is the founder of the Sexually Empowered Radiant Woman movement where women learn how to become radiant, confident and own the power and beauty of their sexuality no matter their size, shape, age or race.
FREE MINI COURSE: Unlock Your Sexual Confidence - Learn 5 Practices to Heal Your Relationship with Your Body & Your Sexuality
https://radiantwoman.xperiencify.io/tarishatourokbody/mini-course/
FREE WEBINAR: Women Over 40: Discover 5 Keys to Unlock Your Desire So You Enjoy Heart-Melting Intimacy
This is perfect for women who are in a relationship and feel frustrated with their love life, are single and don't want to repeat past hurtful patterns where they lose themselves and their voice, and women who want to feel confident expressing their longings and desires
Join Free Online where you'll learn 5 obstacles to your desire and 5 actionable strategies to activate your desire so you stop feeling frustrated with your love life www.shedesires.live
Visit our website at https://www.sexualempowermentforwomen.com to join the Sexually Empowered Radiant Woman movement.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome, welcome to Unlock your Desire Challenge.
Today we're gonna go into dayone of the sexual desire matrix.
By the end of this training, myintention for you to understand
the powerful sexual desirematrix and how to apply it in
your life.
Then you can get deep insightsinto your sexual desire and how
you can enhance it, what you cando for yourself so you feel
(00:23):
more desire.
When I talk about sexual desire, it's desire for life, desire
for love.
This training is for women whowant to reclaim the power and
beauty of their sexuality, whoare done living small and
restricted lives where theirto-do list takes the joy out of
their life.
So if you want to bring yourbigness, your fullness, to the
world, this is for you, and it'sfor women who want to connect
(00:45):
to their radiance, who want tobring your bigness, your
fullness, to the world, this isfor you.
And it's for women who want toconnect to their radiance, who
want to shine brightly, even ifyou have past negative
experiences, even if yourcurrent circumstances are less
than ideal.
Today's the day one.
We're going to unlock the powerof the sexual desire matrix.
Tomorrow we're going to look athow to awaken your desire.
Then we're going to look at howto overcome the barriers to
your desire.
On day four, we're talkingabout creating heart-melting and
(01:07):
spirit-infused intimacy.
Day five we're going to talkabout how to sustain our desire
and fulfilling intimacy.
Today, we're going to look atwhy it's important to unlock our
sexual desire.
We're going to get clear on howlack of sexual desire affects
women.
(01:27):
I've done a lot of researcharound this.
It affects us very profoundly,even though we might think
sexual desire I might have it ornot and it's okay but actually
does affect how we feel aboutourselves as women.
We're gonna understand thesexual desire matrix and that's
what I've developed myself, soyou can't find this information
anywhere else.
Sexual desire is our innatedrive that fuels passion,
connection and intimacy.
It's not just about sex.
Sexual desire is our innatedrive that fuels passion,
connection and intimacy.
It's not just about sex.
It's a fundamental aspect ofbeing a human.
(01:49):
It's not just about sexuality,but it's about being fully alive
, being connected to ourselves,to nature, and to become amazing
lovers.
All we need to do is becomeresponsive to love, to pleasure,
to touch, to human connection.
The impact of sexual desire onwomen's lives it's big.
It does contribute so much tohow we feel about ourselves, to
(02:10):
how we feel in our bodies.
That's one of my clients,brianna.
She was saying that prior tolearning the sexual, impotent
and woman myth, everything feltlike a pretense.
She was going through themotions, but there was not much
joy.
She felt like a big part ofherself was missing.
When I've done my research, ithappens again and again that we
feel like a part of us ismissing when we're not connected
(02:32):
to our sensuality, to oursexuality.
Then she said, so much hasshifted for her that she was
able to connect to her divinefeminine self, to her source of
power, and now everything feelsincredible and ability to speak
up and understand herself reallychanged her relationship with
her partner.
That's what women say thatsense of sensuality, sexuality
(02:55):
is so connected to our power aswomen.
Maybe you had enough judgingyourself.
Maybe you had enough of feelingguilt and shame around your
sexuality.
I see it again and again.
It happens so often.
Maybe you had enough of feelingguilt and shame around your
sexuality.
I see it again and again.
It happens so often.
Maybe you had enough feelingdull, feeling disconnected from
pleasure or being sexuallyunfulfilled.
When women start to feel sex isa chore so painful and
(03:15):
frustrating for me becausesexuality is such a beautiful
part of us but when we feel it'sa chore it's for our to-do list
, something I have to give to mypartner it really takes away
the joy, the pleasure.
I hope you do feel my big, warmheart coming your way now, and
I really know how much womenstruggle with this and some
women don't right, but from theresearch I've done, at least 30%
(03:36):
of us struggle with oursexuality.
I know that you are herebecause you want to experience
something different.
You want to experience thepower, the beauty of who you are
as a woman.
I celebrate you for that.
So this is how lack of sexualdesire affects women.
It's that we have reducedself-esteem and our body image
(03:56):
suffers and we feel emotionallydisconnected with our partners
and we might feel emotionallydisconnected with ourselves as
well.
It brings stress and anxiety.
Lack of intimacy reallydestroys relationships and I
work with couples and I see howwe might think it's about
something else, but if there isno fulfilling sexuality and no
emotional connection,relationships fall apart.
(04:18):
Too many women I work with theyfeel that emotional gap between
them and their partner, butsometimes they just come for
help too late and it's toopainful.
Quite often partners alreadygot so frustrated without the
lack of intimacy, sexualintimacy, so they might have
left.
Emotionally, then it's moredifficult to actually bring that
connection back.
I know that also.
(04:38):
Lack of desire crushes ourconfidence.
It crushes our self-esteembecause our desire for love, for
life, is just so crucial tofeeling happy.
It's crucial to feelingfulfilled and feeling whole.
Also, lack of affection.
When we don't have sexualdesire, women might start
avoiding their partners, butthen they miss on the affection,
because all of us want thataffection, want to feel held,
want to feel cherished, and wemiss on that.
(04:59):
The research I've done is that43% of women reported sexual
dissatisfaction.
That's a big number.
Right, it's half of us, and I'msure it's more than that and
it's according to some studiesthat are different researchers,
but that's quite a big number.
Then, 30 women report lowsexual desire right, it's one
third of us.
91% of women reporteddissatisfaction with at least
(05:21):
one aspect of their physicalappearance.
So we judge ourselves sostrongly.
I know that you are here becauseyou're ready to feel confident
and attractive and radiant inyour own skin.
You're ready to feel desiredand desirable.
Do you want to experienceecstatic, heart-melting intimacy
with a partner?
I know that to be true, that'sdeeply when I talk to women and
(05:42):
we go to the depth of what theywant.
All of us just so wantaffection.
I wonder, even right now maybeyou can close your eyes or just
lower your gaze, but feelingwhat is my deepest desire?
Why am I here?
What is it that I want?
What is it that I'm missing inmy life that feels?
Oh, this longing, connecting toyour longing, and what is it to
(06:11):
your longing and what is it youcan post in the comments?
I'm seeing your comments.
What is your deepest desire?
Why are you actually here?
Why are you spending this hourhere with me?
What's in it for you?
What do you feel you're missing?
And so your mission, should youchoose to accept it, is to
understand the sexual desirematrix and learn how to apply it
in your life so you unlock thepower of your sexual desire and
(06:31):
enjoy heart-melting andspirit-infused intimacy.
These are the benefits ofigniting our desire is that we
start living life to the fullest, we start to feel confident,
free and desirable and we canbring that spark back.
It's just so beautiful whenpartners start to look at each
other with that spark right,with that affection, with the
(06:54):
love, and then you canexperience emotionally connected
sexuality and heart-meltingintimacy.
For me it's such an importantpiece.
It's not just about sexuality,but it's sexuality connected to
the heart, and then you'll bereally feeling adored by your
partner.
That's what's possible becauseit's such a special connection.
Right, we can be friends, wecan be emotionally connected and
(07:14):
loving and intimate with otherpeople, but with our sexual
partner it's such a specialconnection.
It opens us so much more inphysical, emotional sense.
Yeah, and thank you, ria, I seethat yeah, missing feeling
desire.
And it's not just about, yes,it's not just about physicality.
It's really all to do with howmuch love we can open our hearts
(07:36):
, our bodies to and how much wecan allow our partners to be
there with us.
Then I totally believe andthat's when I started this work
is that we become great rolemodel for our children.
So, specifically, this is forwomen who are in a relationship,
who want to feel desired anddesirable and enjoy
heart-melting intimacy.
Also, for single women who areready to let go of all the
(07:57):
relational patterns where theykeep on feeling unfulfilled and
unloved.
I actually think being singleis such a good time to do this
work, because then you're goingto attract someone, you're going
to choose someone who's so muchbetter for you, because if we
don't do this work, I see timeand time again that we pick up
someone who's quite similar orreminds us of our previous
partners.
(08:17):
Once we do this work and Inotice in myself who am I
attracted to is so different,then the relationship can be so
much more fulfilling.
Also, this is for women who gothrough separation, and I have
these women.
I'm doing my course.
They go through separation andthey want to find their power as
a woman, and so it's such agood place to use your current
situation to let go of hurtfulrelational patterns, because
(08:39):
when we're going throughseparation, there's so much
openness and it's painful andthere's so much more energy
that's painful and there's somuch more energy that we can
really shift things much quicker.
So I love working with womenwho go through separation
because there's so much moreopenness and there's so much
more ready to embrace somethingnew.
Also, this is for women who hadenough playing different roles,
(09:00):
right.
They want to find themselves.
They want to know who is.
Who am I when I don't take careof my kids anymore?
What do I actually want out ofmy life?
What kind of sex and intimacydo I want to create in my life?
I don't just want to function,I want joy, I want pleasure, I
want fulfillment, I want timefor me, and also women who sense
the power and they feel like onthe brink of sexual awakening.
They earn to experiencespiritual dimensions of sex.
(09:23):
Most of all, this is for womenwho are done just having sex but
desire deep, emotionallyconnected lovemaking instead.
Now, just a little bit.
If I say a little bit aboutmyself, just why should you
listen to me?
I'm Tarisha and I started thiswork in 2010.
I'm trained in Hakomi somaticpsychotherapy, emotionally
focused therapy for couples,breath work, trauma therapy,
(09:46):
sacred sexuality andwomen-centered coaching and
facilitation.
I've got two degrees inpsychotherapy and counseling, so
I've done quite a lot on thispath.
As much as now, our society isso much more trauma-informed.
We need to do so much more tonot carry the load, because
there's such a heavy load and Isee it in women when we play all
(10:06):
the roles.
We have past negativeexperiences and most of us had
some negative experiences in oursexuality traumatic experiences
.
There's still so much more workneeds to be done to just let go
of all of that.
I love to do it in a group ofwomen.
I find that when we do it in agroup of women, we have so much
more power to let go of thatload and just start to feel
(10:28):
lighter, start to feel morejoyful, start to feel more
playful.
Working with groups of women ismy favorite way of doing it, and
I actually used to be anaccountant.
I'm trained as a charteredaccountant and I worked for
Grand Thornton, one of the bigfirms, and through my journey
when I was working as anaccountant, I really felt so
restricted, I felt like I was ina straitjacket and I felt
(10:51):
everything was just useless whatI was doing.
I've done it for four years andthen my body started to feel
really in pain.
My back was so painful.
I've resigned and I was marriedand I've divorced and I went to
travel to find what makes metick, what brings me joy.
I'm so grateful to that versionof me when I was 26 that I
(11:11):
could live everything and Ididn't want to settle.
That's what I'd love to give towomen that please don't settle.
There's so much more that'spossible for us and sometimes we
have to do tough choices, butFor me, traveling around the
world and learning from experts,from different coaches from
(11:31):
different meditation teachers,how to actually connect to my
body, how to connect back tomyself and how to find my desire
switch so I could turn myselfon to life right and to my
partner.
But I understood that it was myinside job, that I had to find
the disaster switch inside of meand instead of going for safety
(11:52):
being an accountant was allabout safety that I can provide
for myself I had to break thatand start my own business,
travel around and really findwhat makes me tick.
I know, when we break thingssometimes, that's such a good
time to start to build somethingnew, and you don't have to
break things in a big's.
Such a good time to start tobuild something new, and you
don't have to break things in abig way, right, you don't have
(12:13):
to leave the family andeverything, but to actually
start to see what doesn't work,where do I feel restricted and
what do I need to do to find myfreedom.
That's how I started to do whatI'm doing now, because at a
certain point, when I waslearning so much, I had to give
(12:36):
back to other people to be ableto take more knowledge, to be
able to take more wisdom, more,start to feel more of myself.
I was so full with everythingthat I started to give to people
, to women, and now I see howbeautiful this work is, so I'm
very happy for you to be here.
How beautiful this work is, soI'm very happy for you to be
here.
And I wonder where are you at?
What is actually happening inyour life as it relates to your
sexuality and to your body image?
(12:57):
Maybe you can take a journaland just journal a bit.
Are you frustrated with yoursex life?
Maybe you've lost your desire.
Maybe you see sex as a chore.
Maybe you have sex to keeppeace.
What's happening for you inyour life?
What brings you here?
Maybe you lack confidence.
Maybe you feel inexperienced,maybe embarrassed, maybe
(13:19):
confused in the bedroom.
Sometimes women tell me I feellike a little girl in the
bedroom.
Maybe you don't feel sexy andattractive.
Maybe you feel disconnectedfrom your body and you live more
in your head and, as a result,maybe you lack joy in life.
Or maybe you had past negativesexual experiences.
(13:39):
That takes away the joy andpleasure.
Maybe you sense that this ismore possible.
So reflect just for a moment towrite down where am I at?
It's so important to know wherewe're at to be able to go
forward, and you can post incomments as well when are you at
(13:59):
, what's happening for you, whatbrings you here?
Today, we're going to discoverhow to feel desired and
desirable, how to feel confidentand how to feel at home in your
body and how to enjoysoul-fulfilling sexual intimacy.
Yes, they say yes.
And that's when I say stacysays she's got an artistic kid
(14:21):
and there's not a lot of privatetime.
And yes, that's true, right,our circumstances quite often
are less than ideal.
It's really difficult, um, whenyou have a child who needs a
lot of attention, and let's seewhat's through.
That's true, right, ourcircumstances quite often are
less than ideal.
It's really difficult when youhave a child who needs a lot of
attention.
And let's see what's throughthis challenge.
Let's see what we can do,stacey, because I still think
that you could find and what Iask my women to do is to have at
least a minute or five minutepractice every day.
(14:42):
There are so many of us.
We live so much more in ourhead than in our bodies, and
then we feel frustrated and wedon't feel as alive, and so this
is not just about sex.
It's about reclaiming yourdesire for life and love,
finding your passion, living ajoyful and fulfilling life.
Women that I've worked withthey talk about this.
(15:05):
How claim my sexuality.
For myself, it's mine.
I totally believe that it's nowa full power to open our bodies
and hearts to love, to find oursexual voice.
Then, once we do that, we caninvite our partners into
authentic, heart-milting andspirit-infused sexual intimacy.
I can't stress this enough, butI totally believe we need to
open our bodies to love.
It's our job.
In my experience that throughlovemaking we physically create
love in our bodies.
(15:25):
We create more love in thisworld.
That's the gift of open-heartedlovemaking.
It's either for yourself youcan do it with yourself, you can
do it with your partner butcreating more love in our bodies
.
I know that we're frustratedwith our sex life.
It's not because of otherpeople, but because we need to
connect to the ecstatic sexualenergy in our bodies.
Quite often women tell me likeI was disconnected from my
(15:48):
sexual energy and now that's notworking for me anymore because
I don't know where it is.
Even I don't have any sexualdesire and all the solution is
in radical self-responsibility.
It's up to us to change oursexual experience.
I'm so happy you're herebecause that's what we're doing
here, taking self-responsibility.
And, like Faye, she felt sothat being a straitjacket right,
(16:10):
so restricted in her life andlack desire, actually finding
that sexual desire, finding herdesire switch what.
It helped her also to open upto her creativity more, because
our sexuality is so connected toour creativity.
So it's not just about sex butit's about being fully expressed
in life.
So the challenge is am Iwilling?
I know that there are a lot ofwomen who stay frustrated, but
(16:32):
somehow it makes them feelcomfortable.
They feel like I don't need totake responsibility, it's all
about others, it's because I'mnot attracted to my partner
anymore.
Or they say I don't have timenow, or I just can't change this
.
Or maybe they say when kidsgrow up, then I'll have time.
I really get it because it'slike standing in front of the
tunnel and you don't know what'son the other side.
So even if it's not good rightnow, sometimes women decide I'll
(16:55):
stay here because at least Iknow, at least that's familiar.
The problem I see is that we'renot getting any younger.
I work with too many women latein life where they tell me I
wish I knew this before, I wishI met you in my 20s.
There's still something thatstops women to step forward.
So the time to awaken the powerand beauty of our sexuality is
now.
I'm so happy you're here,because it's enough of putting
(17:18):
our fulfillment, intimacy,connection on the back burner.
The time is now.
We're not getting any youngerand I totally believe that every
day that passes without usfeeling empowered and fulfilled
is just another day wasted andfeeling dissatisfied, stuck,
feeling miserable.
And if you're single, as I said, it's a perfect time to look at
(17:40):
this.
Yes, stacey, and that's whathappened that sometimes we use
weight as a protection, quiteoften because if we're not
connected to our body, we don'teven know how to look after our
body.
We don't know what to give toour body.
Once we start connecting to ourbody, it becomes so easy for us
to take care of ourselves.
And thank you.
And yes, it's a process and I'mso happy.
(18:01):
Yes, it does take courage to dothis work.
So this is the sexual desirematrix and five aspects, and
they're all interconnected.
We'll just go aspect by aspectnow, and my invitation for you
is to just start writing andjournaling which one feels like
the one you really need to focuson.
I invite you to just pick one,maximum two.
(18:23):
Ideally you want to go throughall fives of them, but it'll be
overwhelming, so it's muchbetter if you just pick one or
two to start with.
So first one which is not firstright.
They're all in circle andthey're all interrelated.
This is the one we start withself-intimacy.
That's the aspect where I seemyself.
So this pillar focuses onunderstanding your own body,
(18:43):
your own emotions, your sexualdesires.
It's about cultivating a deepconnection with yourself to
understand personal needs,preferences in intimate
relationships.
Check out is this the one thatyou need to focus on?
Self-intimacy?
This is a very important aspectbecause unless I know myself, I
can't really tell the otherperson what I need.
Unless I know my deeper desires, I can't express them.
(19:07):
Often, women who were sofocused on nurturing other
people our kids, parents, olderparents, our partners we lose a
sense of actually what do I want.
Often I ask women and they go.
I don't even know what I want.
So how can I express it to mypartner or to other people
around me if I don't know what Ideeply want and desire?
(19:28):
This is so important.
This is foundational Developingself-intimacy, seeing ourselves
, what do I need, what do I want.
Let me know if anyone realizedthis one.
Next one is we need to find ourerotic voice.
What it means is that I know mydesires, I've connected to
myself and then I'm willing andable and I'm taking the courage
(19:50):
to speak them out loud,unapologetically.
That's really the ability toarticulate our needs, our
desires, our boundaries clearlyand confidently.
This involves open, honestdialogues with yourself, with
your partner.
Lots of women I work with wherewe go, we're so used to
suppressing our desires,disconnecting from them in order
(20:12):
to be in service of otherpeople, that the words get stuck
in our throat.
We feel the tension, like wefeel something, we really want
to say it, but then it getsstuck in our throat and we can't
express ourselves.
Often, if we head past negativesexual experiences in order to
protect ourselves, we shut ourvoice down, we swallow and we
(20:33):
suppress it.
And I wonder if anyone relatesto this one that actually it's
difficult for me to express myvoice, to find my erotic voice,
because so many of us head pastsexual traumas.
It's just no wonder that weactually can't speak it out loud
.
We can't share with ourpartners what we need, what we
want.
But then, if we're notconnected to ourselves, we don't
(20:54):
even know.
Can you see how it's allrelated here?
We need to have all fiveaspects opened up in us and then
we can create fulfilling sexualintimacy and find our desire.
Now we're going to intimateresonance.
Intimate resonance is therewhen I see you and I get you and
I trust you.
I feel like we can playtogether and feel safe with each
(21:15):
other.
Then that knowing that you getme and it's all about the
importance of emotional intimacyand it can be emotional
intimacy with ourselves and withour partners and finding that
resonance so we meet each other.
That does include developingemotional intelligence, empathy
(21:36):
towards yourself, towards yourpartner.
It does require focusing ondeeper emotional alignment and
connection felt with anotherhuman, and also about alignment
with yourself and respectingyour own boundaries.
Sometimes I see what happens isthat we feel I know myself and
this is my desires, this is whatI need.
I'm just going to say it, andif you don't want to fulfill it,
then it doesn't work for me.
(21:58):
What's important here to findis actually finding the
resonance.
Where can we meet each other?
Not that I overpower you, notthat I'm presenting my desires
and needs as a to-do list, right, but actually how can we find
resonance and start playingtogether.
It's a process.
Yeah, we really need to feelourselves and we need to feel
(22:19):
the other person.
When we really find thatresonance, that's when the
lovemaking becomes so beautiful,because I feel myself, I feel
you feeling me.
We're doing this together andit creates a sense of
togetherness, that beauty,that's what becomes this deep,
emotionally connected lovemaking.
My invitation for you would bestart checking in.
(22:41):
How do you find resonance withother people?
We're not talking about sexualresonance, but just any
resonance.
When I meet someone, do I findresonance with them or do I just
connect them, them or do I justconnect into myself?
Or do I connect more to them,like I'm more on their side or
more on my side, or do I findthat space in between of us
where we can right, connect andflow and play together?
It's a beautiful practice to do.
(23:02):
I see some of us go more intothe other person and I'm just
really there with the otherperson.
I forget myself and some of usstay with ourselves and,
whatever the other person saying, I'm not feeling them.
So important to feel myself andfeel the other person and find
that place of resonance.
So I wonder if this makes sense.
Could you please post incomments if this makes sense?
(23:23):
Nice Mil, tell me what makessense about the resonance?
I know that also.
More in a mainstream world it'smore I'm focusing on others.
And then there's this morespiritual world where people
start to focus more onthemselves and say, no, I just
know myself, this is who I amand you have to accept me the
way I am.
But then it really disregardsthe effect we're having on other
(23:45):
people and not finding thatresonance Today.
Maybe just start noticing wheream I?
Where am I?
Do I go to the sight of others,to myself?
How do I find resonance?
Start becoming curious aboutthe space in between.
It's such a powerful space.
As women, we tend to merge withothers.
Yeah, because and actually wehad to learn that, because to
(24:06):
feel our children right, we gofully towards our children and
we forget ourselves.
It's important, it's not a badthing.
That happens.
It's part of who we are aswomen.
The gift with us getting olderwe come to a place actually, oh,
I can be with myself as wellnow, and then I can find that
resonance with others.
(24:26):
So the next step of the sexualdesire matrix, aspect number
four, is body appreciation.
When we feel that my body is myhome, that I feel safe in my
body and I appreciate everythingthat my body does for me, then
it's all about encouraging thislove and accepting the
relationship with your body.
This aspect is so crucial forfeeling comfortable, confident
(24:48):
in our sexuality.
So I wonder, if we reflect, howdo you relate to your body?
How do you talk to yourself?
Do you judge yourself?
When you look in the mirror,what happens?
How do you relate to yourself,to your body?
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Maybe journal a bit?
How do you talk to yourself?
Is it with love, withappreciation, or is it like, oh,
this part needs to change and Ineed to lose weight here and I
need to change there?
It's not to say that we don'twant to change things about our
bodies.
We might want to be healthier,but it comes from a different
(25:33):
place.
When it's from a place ofappreciation and love, it's
because I want to take care ofmyself.
It's not because I'm judgingmyself and I don't like it.
It's quite a different place.
Through this course we'll dosome practice.
But actually, how do I start tolove myself and change myself
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from that place, from takingcare of myself and thank you,
joyce.
And that's what quite oftenhappens.
Right After we have kids, ourbody changes and when we get
older, our body changes and westart attacking ourselves.
We start to become our worstcritic and, of course, if I'm
criticizing myself, I can'tfully relax in my body.
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Then how can I fully relax andbe intimate and sexual with
another human being?
Because I don't want them tosee part of myself right, I'm
trying to hide it.
Then we can't have deeplyfulfilling intimacy.
When we're hiding becausethere's a constriction, we start
to constrict, we start to hideourselves.
And to be fully open to anotherhuman or to even ourselves, to
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be open to love, we need torelax, we need to open up our
bodies.
So, check in right now.
If you criticize yourself,notice what happens inside, what
happens to your body.
If you say something criticalto yourself, notice where
constriction happens.
That'll be another invitation,yeah, for you.
(27:01):
Start noticing how you talk toyourself and notice what happens
inside.
Yeah, there's a thought andquite often we don't even notice
what happens, how it affectsour body.
But when you think negativelyto yourself, check in, okay.
What happens inside?
Is there constriction in mybelly, in my heart?
What actually happens with me?
Aspect number five is creativeexploration.
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I find as adults we stopplaying, we start to become so
serious, we lose that creativeexploration.
It's just so important forfulfilling sexual life.
When I play with others, Ishare my joy, I share my
playfulness with other peopleand it's all about our
willingness to explore andexperiment with our sexuality in
a safe way, right, safe,consensual ways.
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It's about learning new ways toexperience pleasure, to
experience intimacy, because ashuman beings, we have two needs
right.
We have a need for safety andwe have a need for variety, for
something new, for somethingexciting, for adventure.
So how can I, am I willing toexplore?
How can I bring moreplayfulness, more adventure into
my life with my partner bymyself, with my partner by
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myself?
Check out, like now withyourself Am I being playful?
How do I play?
How do I share my playfulnesswith others?
What I do when I do my 10-weekcourse, what I invite women is
to start flirting in a safe way,but flirting in a way of just
sharing my joy with other people, sharing the joy of being me
with other people, smiling topeople and being playful.
(28:35):
And, of course, quite often,when we're disconnected from our
body, when we judge ourselves,when we have past intimacy.
Traumas, that heaviness killsour playfulness.
That's when life becomes boring, that's when sexual intimacy
becomes more an effort than ajoy and playfulness.
So I wonder how you relate tothis one creative exploration,
if you can comment.
So these are the five aspectsof the sexual desire matrix
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Self-intimacy, erotic voice,intimate resonance, body
appreciation and creativeexploration.
I invite you to choose oneaspect that you want to focus on
that you feel will be the keyfor you.
That can unlock lots of otherdoors.
Later you can do the other onesright, all of them are very
important and they're allinterconnected.
(29:18):
I do invite you in the commentsin the group to share which
pillar you feel like you need towork on and maybe, if you can
respond to at least three womenso we can keep that
communication connection goingon with the group, you can send
them a sense of support, becauseit's so nice to be supported
when we're talking about oursexuality and I know for some of
us it's a painful subject.
(29:39):
Anyone wants to focus on thecreative exploration and it
doesn't need to be scary, right,it's just one little step.
How can I play a bit more?
That's what Julia right.
She really said that doing thepractices helped her immensely
to improve her relationship withher body and then the sexuality
, sexual desire starts to flow.
Also, she says I feel like Ihave made a big step from
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feeling like a little girltowards being a powerful woman.
That's inside of me, that's thepiece that I see happen so
often is when somehow, when wego into the bedroom, we drop
into being a little girl ratherthan an adult woman.
It's not appropriate for littlegirls to feel sexual right and
then we feel lost.
What we need to do is to startconnecting to the adult woman in
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us, so the adult can take careof the inner child, but actually
to be sexual, connect to ouradult woman and that's the one
who goes forward, that's the onewho connects with another.
And Joe, yes, that's the piece.
When we feel more confident,then we can be more playful and
more fun.
So that's how it allinterrelates.
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What can you do today to createmore play in your life?
If you've got any questions, ifyou post them in the comments.
To create more play in yourlife?
If you've got any questions, ifyou post them in the comments,
my invitation for you that don'twait for heart-melting sex, but
cause it to happen in your lifeand going through the sexual
desire matrix and looking at allfive aspects.
That's what's really going tochange the way you relate to
yourself sexually and to others.
Tomorrow we're going to go moreinto how do we actually awaken
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our desire.
We're going to create a newstory for your sex life.
We're going to start awakeningthe power and beauty of your
desire and we're going to startbringing more love, more beauty
into your sexuality andconnecting your sexuality to
your heart.
On day three, we're going tolook at the barriers to our
desire, which is a reallyimportant aspect, because if
we've got the barriers, we can'tfeel playful and joyful and
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sexual and confident.
We really need to look at thebarriers.
We can't feel playful andjoyful and sexual and confident.
We really need to look at thebarriers.
And then we're going to look athow to create heart milty and
spirit infused intimacy.
If I want to focus, like Milsays, on the logic voice, what
would it look like?
What actually am I doing?
Is it that I'm reallyconnecting to my desires and
just trying to voice at leastone desire a day with resonance?
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What am I going to do?
Is it that anyone I meet?
I'm going to just check out?
Where is that space in betweenus?
What is the next step?
What can I do?
How can I practice that?
Please post your questions.
The more questions you ask me,the more I can design something
that really helps you.
Welcome, welcome to Unlock your Desire Challenge.
Today we're gonna go into dayone of the sexual desire matrix.
By the end of this training, myintention for you to understand
the powerful sexual desirematrix and how to apply it in
your life.
Then you can get deep insightsinto your sexual desire and how
you can enhance it, what you cando for yourself so you feel
(00:23):
more desire.
When I talk about sexual desire, it's desire for life, desire
for love.
This training is for women whowant to reclaim the power and
beauty of their sexuality, whoare done living small and
restricted lives where theirto-do list takes the joy out of
their life.
So if you want to bring yourbigness, your fullness, to the
world, this is for you, and it'sfor women who want to connect
(00:45):
to their radiance, who want tobring your bigness, your
fullness, to the world, this isfor you.
And it's for women who want toconnect to their radiance, who
want to shine brightly, even ifyou have past negative
experiences, even if yourcurrent circumstances are less
than ideal.
Today's the day one.
We're going to unlock the powerof the sexual desire matrix.
Tomorrow we're going to look athow to awaken your desire.
Then we're going to look at howto overcome the barriers to
your desire.
On day four, we're talkingabout creating heart-melting and
(01:07):
spirit-infused intimacy.
Day five we're going to talkabout how to sustain our desire
and fulfilling intimacy.
Today, we're going to look atwhy it's important to unlock our
sexual desire.
We're going to get clear on howlack of sexual desire affects
women.
(01:27):
I've done a lot of researcharound this.
It affects us very profoundly,even though we might think
sexual desire I might have it ornot and it's okay but actually
does affect how we feel aboutourselves as women.
We're gonna understand thesexual desire matrix and that's
what I've developed myself, soyou can't find this information
anywhere else.
Sexual desire is our innatedrive that fuels passion,
connection and intimacy.
It's not just about sex.
Sexual desire is our innatedrive that fuels passion,
connection and intimacy.
It's not just about sex.
It's a fundamental aspect ofbeing a human.
(01:49):
It's not just about sexuality,but it's about being fully alive
, being connected to ourselves,to nature, and to become amazing
lovers.
All we need to do is becomeresponsive to love, to pleasure,
to touch, to human connection.
The impact of sexual desire onwomen's lives it's big.
It does contribute so much tohow we feel about ourselves, to
(02:10):
how we feel in our bodies.
That's one of my clients,brianna.
She was saying that prior tolearning the sexual, impotent
and woman myth, everything feltlike a pretense.
She was going through themotions, but there was not much
joy.
She felt like a big part ofherself was missing.
When I've done my research, ithappens again and again that we
feel like a part of us ismissing when we're not connected
(02:32):
to our sensuality, to oursexuality.
Then she said, so much hasshifted for her that she was
able to connect to her divinefeminine self, to her source of
power, and now everything feelsincredible and ability to speak
up and understand herself reallychanged her relationship with
her partner.
That's what women say thatsense of sensuality, sexuality
(02:55):
is so connected to our power aswomen.
Maybe you had enough judgingyourself.
Maybe you had enough of feelingguilt and shame around your
sexuality.
I see it again and again.
It happens so often.
Maybe you had enough of feelingguilt and shame around your
sexuality.
I see it again and again.
It happens so often.
Maybe you had enough feelingdull, feeling disconnected from
pleasure or being sexuallyunfulfilled.
When women start to feel sex isa chore so painful and
(03:15):
frustrating for me becausesexuality is such a beautiful
part of us but when we feel it'sa chore it's for our to-do list
, something I have to give to mypartner it really takes away
the joy, the pleasure.
I hope you do feel my big, warmheart coming your way now, and
I really know how much womenstruggle with this and some
women don't right, but from theresearch I've done, at least 30%
(03:36):
of us struggle with oursexuality.
I know that you are herebecause you want to experience
something different.
You want to experience thepower, the beauty of who you are
as a woman.
I celebrate you for that.
So this is how lack of sexualdesire affects women.
It's that we have reducedself-esteem and our body image
(03:56):
suffers and we feel emotionallydisconnected with our partners
and we might feel emotionallydisconnected with ourselves as
well.
It brings stress and anxiety.
Lack of intimacy reallydestroys relationships and I
work with couples and I see howwe might think it's about
something else, but if there isno fulfilling sexuality and no
emotional connection,relationships fall apart.
(04:18):
Too many women I work with theyfeel that emotional gap between
them and their partner, butsometimes they just come for
help too late and it's toopainful.
Quite often partners alreadygot so frustrated without the
lack of intimacy, sexualintimacy, so they might have
left.
Emotionally, then it's moredifficult to actually bring that
connection back.
I know that also.
(04:38):
Lack of desire crushes ourconfidence.
It crushes our self-esteembecause our desire for love, for
life, is just so crucial tofeeling happy.
It's crucial to feelingfulfilled and feeling whole.
Also, lack of affection.
When we don't have sexualdesire, women might start
avoiding their partners, butthen they miss on the affection,
because all of us want thataffection, want to feel held,
want to feel cherished, and wemiss on that.
(04:59):
The research I've done is that43% of women reported sexual
dissatisfaction.
That's a big number.
Right, it's half of us, and I'msure it's more than that and
it's according to some studiesthat are different researchers,
but that's quite a big number.
Then, 30 women report lowsexual desire right, it's one
third of us.
91% of women reporteddissatisfaction with at least
(05:21):
one aspect of their physicalappearance.
So we judge ourselves sostrongly.
I know that you are here becauseyou're ready to feel confident
and attractive and radiant inyour own skin.
You're ready to feel desiredand desirable.
Do you want to experienceecstatic, heart-melting intimacy
with a partner?
I know that to be true, that'sdeeply when I talk to women and
(05:42):
we go to the depth of what theywant.
All of us just so wantaffection.
I wonder, even right now maybeyou can close your eyes or just
lower your gaze, but feelingwhat is my deepest desire?
Why am I here?
What is it that I want?
What is it that I'm missing inmy life that feels?
Oh, this longing, connecting toyour longing, and what is it to
(06:11):
your longing and what is it youcan post in the comments?
I'm seeing your comments.
What is your deepest desire?
Why are you actually here?
Why are you spending this hourhere with me?
What's in it for you?
What do you feel you're missing?
And so your mission, should youchoose to accept it, is to
understand the sexual desirematrix and learn how to apply it
in your life so you unlock thepower of your sexual desire and
(06:31):
enjoy heart-melting andspirit-infused intimacy.
These are the benefits ofigniting our desire is that we
start living life to the fullest, we start to feel confident,
free and desirable and we canbring that spark back.
It's just so beautiful whenpartners start to look at each
other with that spark right,with that affection, with the
(06:54):
love, and then you canexperience emotionally connected
sexuality and heart-meltingintimacy.
For me it's such an importantpiece.
It's not just about sexuality,but it's sexuality connected to
the heart, and then you'll bereally feeling adored by your
partner.
That's what's possible becauseit's such a special connection.
Right, we can be friends, wecan be emotionally connected and
(07:14):
loving and intimate with otherpeople, but with our sexual
partner it's such a specialconnection.
It opens us so much more inphysical, emotional sense.
Yeah, and thank you, ria, I seethat yeah, missing feeling
desire.
And it's not just about, yes,it's not just about physicality.
It's really all to do with howmuch love we can open our hearts
(07:36):
, our bodies to and how much wecan allow our partners to be
there with us.
Then I totally believe andthat's when I started this work
is that we become great rolemodel for our children.
So, specifically, this is forwomen who are in a relationship,
who want to feel desired anddesirable and enjoy
heart-melting intimacy.
Also, for single women who areready to let go of all the
(07:57):
relational patterns where theykeep on feeling unfulfilled and
unloved.
I actually think being singleis such a good time to do this
work, because then you're goingto attract someone, you're going
to choose someone who's so muchbetter for you, because if we
don't do this work, I see timeand time again that we pick up
someone who's quite similar orreminds us of our previous
partners.
(08:17):
Once we do this work and Inotice in myself who am I
attracted to is so different,then the relationship can be so
much more fulfilling.
Also, this is for women who gothrough separation, and I have
these women.
I'm doing my course.
They go through separation andthey want to find their power as
a woman, and so it's such agood place to use your current
situation to let go of hurtfulrelational patterns, because
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when we're going throughseparation, there's so much
openness and it's painful andthere's so much more energy
that's painful and there's somuch more energy that we can
really shift things much quicker.
So I love working with womenwho go through separation
because there's so much moreopenness and there's so much
more ready to embrace somethingnew.
Also, this is for women who hadenough playing different roles,
(09:00):
right.
They want to find themselves.
They want to know who is.
Who am I when I don't take careof my kids anymore?
What do I actually want out ofmy life?
What kind of sex and intimacydo I want to create in my life?
I don't just want to function,I want joy, I want pleasure, I
want fulfillment, I want timefor me, and also women who sense
the power and they feel like onthe brink of sexual awakening.
They earn to experiencespiritual dimensions of sex.
(09:23):
Most of all, this is for womenwho are done just having sex but
desire deep, emotionallyconnected lovemaking instead.
Now, just a little bit.
If I say a little bit aboutmyself, just why should you
listen to me?
I'm Tarisha and I started thiswork in 2010.
I'm trained in Hakomi somaticpsychotherapy, emotionally
focused therapy for couples,breath work, trauma therapy,
(09:46):
sacred sexuality andwomen-centered coaching and
facilitation.
I've got two degrees inpsychotherapy and counseling, so
I've done quite a lot on thispath.
As much as now, our society isso much more trauma-informed.
We need to do so much more tonot carry the load, because
there's such a heavy load and Isee it in women when we play all
(10:06):
the roles.
We have past negativeexperiences and most of us had
some negative experiences in oursexuality traumatic experiences
.
There's still so much more workneeds to be done to just let go
of all of that.
I love to do it in a group ofwomen.
I find that when we do it in agroup of women, we have so much
more power to let go of thatload and just start to feel
(10:28):
lighter, start to feel morejoyful, start to feel more
playful.
Working with groups of women ismy favorite way of doing it, and
I actually used to be anaccountant.
I'm trained as a charteredaccountant and I worked for
Grand Thornton, one of the bigfirms, and through my journey
when I was working as anaccountant, I really felt so
restricted, I felt like I was ina straitjacket and I felt
(10:51):
everything was just useless whatI was doing.
I've done it for four years andthen my body started to feel
really in pain.
My back was so painful.
I've resigned and I was marriedand I've divorced and I went to
travel to find what makes metick, what brings me joy.
I'm so grateful to that versionof me when I was 26 that I
(11:11):
could live everything and Ididn't want to settle.
That's what I'd love to give towomen that please don't settle.
There's so much more that'spossible for us and sometimes we
have to do tough choices, butFor me, traveling around the
world and learning from experts,from different coaches from
(11:31):
different meditation teachers,how to actually connect to my
body, how to connect back tomyself and how to find my desire
switch so I could turn myselfon to life right and to my
partner.
But I understood that it was myinside job, that I had to find
the disaster switch inside of meand instead of going for safety
(11:52):
being an accountant was allabout safety that I can provide
for myself I had to break thatand start my own business,
travel around and really findwhat makes me tick.
I know, when we break thingssometimes, that's such a good
time to start to build somethingnew, and you don't have to
break things in a big's.
Such a good time to start tobuild something new, and you
don't have to break things in abig way, right, you don't have
(12:13):
to leave the family andeverything, but to actually
start to see what doesn't work,where do I feel restricted and
what do I need to do to find myfreedom.
That's how I started to do whatI'm doing now, because at a
certain point, when I waslearning so much, I had to give
(12:36):
back to other people to be ableto take more knowledge, to be
able to take more wisdom, more,start to feel more of myself.
I was so full with everythingthat I started to give to people
, to women, and now I see howbeautiful this work is, so I'm
very happy for you to be here.
How beautiful this work is, soI'm very happy for you to be
here.
And I wonder where are you at?
What is actually happening inyour life as it relates to your
sexuality and to your body image?
(12:57):
Maybe you can take a journaland just journal a bit.
Are you frustrated with yoursex life?
Maybe you've lost your desire.
Maybe you see sex as a chore.
Maybe you have sex to keeppeace.
What's happening for you inyour life?
What brings you here?
Maybe you lack confidence.
Maybe you feel inexperienced,maybe embarrassed, maybe
(13:19):
confused in the bedroom.
Sometimes women tell me I feellike a little girl in the
bedroom.
Maybe you don't feel sexy andattractive.
Maybe you feel disconnectedfrom your body and you live more
in your head and, as a result,maybe you lack joy in life.
Or maybe you had past negativesexual experiences.
(13:39):
That takes away the joy andpleasure.
Maybe you sense that this ismore possible.
So reflect just for a moment towrite down where am I at?
It's so important to know wherewe're at to be able to go
forward, and you can post incomments as well when are you at
(13:59):
, what's happening for you, whatbrings you here?
Today, we're going to discoverhow to feel desired and
desirable, how to feel confidentand how to feel at home in your
body and how to enjoysoul-fulfilling sexual intimacy.
Yes, they say yes.
And that's when I say stacysays she's got an artistic kid
(14:21):
and there's not a lot of privatetime.
And yes, that's true, right,our circumstances quite often
are less than ideal.
It's really difficult, um, whenyou have a child who needs a
lot of attention, and let's seewhat's through.
That's true, right, ourcircumstances quite often are
less than ideal.
It's really difficult when youhave a child who needs a lot of
attention.
And let's see what's throughthis challenge.
Let's see what we can do,stacey, because I still think
that you could find and what Iask my women to do is to have at
least a minute or five minutepractice every day.
(14:42):
There are so many of us.
We live so much more in ourhead than in our bodies, and
then we feel frustrated and wedon't feel as alive, and so this
is not just about sex.
It's about reclaiming yourdesire for life and love,
finding your passion, living ajoyful and fulfilling life.
Women that I've worked withthey talk about this.
(15:05):
How claim my sexuality.
For myself, it's mine.
I totally believe that it's nowa full power to open our bodies
and hearts to love, to find oursexual voice.
Then, once we do that, we caninvite our partners into
authentic, heart-milting andspirit-infused sexual intimacy.
I can't stress this enough, butI totally believe we need to
open our bodies to love.
It's our job.
In my experience that throughlovemaking we physically create
love in our bodies.
(15:25):
We create more love in thisworld.
That's the gift of open-heartedlovemaking.
It's either for yourself youcan do it with yourself, you can
do it with your partner butcreating more love in our bodies
.
I know that we're frustratedwith our sex life.
It's not because of otherpeople, but because we need to
connect to the ecstatic sexualenergy in our bodies.
Quite often women tell me likeI was disconnected from my
(15:48):
sexual energy and now that's notworking for me anymore because
I don't know where it is.
Even I don't have any sexualdesire and all the solution is
in radical self-responsibility.
It's up to us to change oursexual experience.
I'm so happy you're herebecause that's what we're doing
here, taking self-responsibility.
And, like Faye, she felt sothat being a straitjacket right,
(16:10):
so restricted in her life andlack desire, actually finding
that sexual desire, finding herdesire switch what.
It helped her also to open upto her creativity more, because
our sexuality is so connected toour creativity.
So it's not just about sex butit's about being fully expressed
in life.
So the challenge is am Iwilling?
I know that there are a lot ofwomen who stay frustrated, but
(16:32):
somehow it makes them feelcomfortable.
They feel like I don't need totake responsibility, it's all
about others, it's because I'mnot attracted to my partner
anymore.
Or they say I don't have timenow, or I just can't change this
.
Or maybe they say when kidsgrow up, then I'll have time.
I really get it because it'slike standing in front of the
tunnel and you don't know what'son the other side.
So even if it's not good rightnow, sometimes women decide I'll
(16:55):
stay here because at least Iknow, at least that's familiar.
The problem I see is that we'renot getting any younger.
I work with too many women latein life where they tell me I
wish I knew this before, I wishI met you in my 20s.
There's still something thatstops women to step forward.
So the time to awaken the powerand beauty of our sexuality is
now.
I'm so happy you're here,because it's enough of putting
(17:18):
our fulfillment, intimacy,connection on the back burner.
The time is now.
We're not getting any youngerand I totally believe that every
day that passes without usfeeling empowered and fulfilled
is just another day wasted andfeeling dissatisfied, stuck,
feeling miserable.
And if you're single, as I said, it's a perfect time to look at
(17:40):
this.
Yes, stacey, and that's whathappened that sometimes we use
weight as a protection, quiteoften because if we're not
connected to our body, we don'teven know how to look after our
body.
We don't know what to give toour body.
Once we start connecting to ourbody, it becomes so easy for us
to take care of ourselves.
And thank you.
And yes, it's a process and I'mso happy.
(18:01):
Yes, it does take courage to dothis work.
So this is the sexual desirematrix and five aspects, and
they're all interconnected.
We'll just go aspect by aspectnow, and my invitation for you
is to just start writing andjournaling which one feels like
the one you really need to focuson.
I invite you to just pick one,maximum two.
(18:23):
Ideally you want to go throughall fives of them, but it'll be
overwhelming, so it's muchbetter if you just pick one or
two to start with.
So first one which is not firstright.
They're all in circle andthey're all interrelated.
This is the one we start withself-intimacy.
That's the aspect where I seemyself.
So this pillar focuses onunderstanding your own body,
(18:43):
your own emotions, your sexualdesires.
It's about cultivating a deepconnection with yourself to
understand personal needs,preferences in intimate
relationships.
Check out is this the one thatyou need to focus on?
Self-intimacy?
This is a very important aspectbecause unless I know myself, I
can't really tell the otherperson what I need.
Unless I know my deeper desires, I can't express them.
(19:07):
Often, women who were sofocused on nurturing other
people our kids, parents, olderparents, our partners we lose a
sense of actually what do I want.
Often I ask women and they go.
I don't even know what I want.
So how can I express it to mypartner or to other people
around me if I don't know what Ideeply want and desire?
(19:28):
This is so important.
This is foundational Developingself-intimacy, seeing ourselves
, what do I need, what do I want.
Let me know if anyone realizedthis one.
Next one is we need to find ourerotic voice.
What it means is that I know mydesires, I've connected to
myself and then I'm willing andable and I'm taking the courage
(19:50):
to speak them out loud,unapologetically.
That's really the ability toarticulate our needs, our
desires, our boundaries clearlyand confidently.
This involves open, honestdialogues with yourself, with
your partner.
Lots of women I work with wherewe go, we're so used to
suppressing our desires,disconnecting from them in order
(20:12):
to be in service of otherpeople, that the words get stuck
in our throat.
We feel the tension, like wefeel something, we really want
to say it, but then it getsstuck in our throat and we can't
express ourselves.
Often, if we head past negativesexual experiences in order to
protect ourselves, we shut ourvoice down, we swallow and we
(20:33):
suppress it.
And I wonder if anyone relatesto this one that actually it's
difficult for me to express myvoice, to find my erotic voice,
because so many of us head pastsexual traumas.
It's just no wonder that weactually can't speak it out loud
.
We can't share with ourpartners what we need, what we
want.
But then, if we're notconnected to ourselves, we don't
(20:54):
even know.
Can you see how it's allrelated here?
We need to have all fiveaspects opened up in us and then
we can create fulfilling sexualintimacy and find our desire.
Now we're going to intimateresonance.
Intimate resonance is therewhen I see you and I get you and
I trust you.
I feel like we can playtogether and feel safe with each
(21:15):
other.
Then that knowing that you getme and it's all about the
importance of emotional intimacyand it can be emotional
intimacy with ourselves and withour partners and finding that
resonance so we meet each other.
That does include developingemotional intelligence, empathy
(21:36):
towards yourself, towards yourpartner.
It does require focusing ondeeper emotional alignment and
connection felt with anotherhuman, and also about alignment
with yourself and respectingyour own boundaries.
Sometimes I see what happens isthat we feel I know myself and
this is my desires, this is whatI need.
I'm just going to say it, andif you don't want to fulfill it,
then it doesn't work for me.
(21:58):
What's important here to findis actually finding the
resonance.
Where can we meet each other?
Not that I overpower you, notthat I'm presenting my desires
and needs as a to-do list, right, but actually how can we find
resonance and start playingtogether.
It's a process.
Yeah, we really need to feelourselves and we need to feel
(22:19):
the other person.
When we really find thatresonance, that's when the
lovemaking becomes so beautiful,because I feel myself, I feel
you feeling me.
We're doing this together andit creates a sense of
togetherness, that beauty,that's what becomes this deep,
emotionally connected lovemaking.
My invitation for you would bestart checking in.
(22:41):
How do you find resonance withother people?
We're not talking about sexualresonance, but just any
resonance.
When I meet someone, do I findresonance with them or do I just
connect them, them or do I justconnect into myself?
Or do I connect more to them,like I'm more on their side or
more on my side, or do I findthat space in between of us
where we can right, connect andflow and play together?
It's a beautiful practice to do.
(23:02):
I see some of us go more intothe other person and I'm just
really there with the otherperson.
I forget myself and some of usstay with ourselves and,
whatever the other person saying, I'm not feeling them.
So important to feel myself andfeel the other person and find
that place of resonance.
So I wonder if this makes sense.
Could you please post incomments if this makes sense?
(23:23):
Nice Mil, tell me what makessense about the resonance?
I know that also.
More in a mainstream world it'smore I'm focusing on others.
And then there's this morespiritual world where people
start to focus more onthemselves and say, no, I just
know myself, this is who I amand you have to accept me the
way I am.
But then it really disregardsthe effect we're having on other
(23:45):
people and not finding thatresonance Today.
Maybe just start noticing wheream I?
Where am I?
Do I go to the sight of others,to myself?
How do I find resonance?
Start becoming curious aboutthe space in between.
It's such a powerful space.
As women, we tend to merge withothers.
Yeah, because and actually wehad to learn that, because to
(24:06):
feel our children right, we gofully towards our children and
we forget ourselves.
It's important, it's not a badthing.
That happens.
It's part of who we are aswomen.
The gift with us getting olderwe come to a place actually, oh,
I can be with myself as wellnow, and then I can find that
resonance with others.
(24:26):
So the next step of the sexualdesire matrix, aspect number
four, is body appreciation.
When we feel that my body is myhome, that I feel safe in my
body and I appreciate everythingthat my body does for me, then
it's all about encouraging thislove and accepting the
relationship with your body.
This aspect is so crucial forfeeling comfortable, confident
(24:48):
in our sexuality.
So I wonder, if we reflect, howdo you relate to your body?
How do you talk to yourself?
Do you judge yourself?
When you look in the mirror,what happens?
How do you relate to yourself,to your body?
(25:12):
Maybe journal a bit?
How do you talk to yourself?
Is it with love, withappreciation, or is it like, oh,
this part needs to change and Ineed to lose weight here and I
need to change there?
It's not to say that we don'twant to change things about our
bodies.
We might want to be healthier,but it comes from a different
(25:33):
place.
When it's from a place ofappreciation and love, it's
because I want to take care ofmyself.
It's not because I'm judgingmyself and I don't like it.
It's quite a different place.
Through this course we'll dosome practice.
But actually, how do I start tolove myself and change myself
(25:53):
from that place, from takingcare of myself and thank you,
joyce.
And that's what quite oftenhappens.
Right After we have kids, ourbody changes and when we get
older, our body changes and westart attacking ourselves.
We start to become our worstcritic and, of course, if I'm
criticizing myself, I can'tfully relax in my body.
(26:16):
Then how can I fully relax andbe intimate and sexual with
another human being?
Because I don't want them tosee part of myself right, I'm
trying to hide it.
Then we can't have deeplyfulfilling intimacy.
When we're hiding becausethere's a constriction, we start
to constrict, we start to hideourselves.
And to be fully open to anotherhuman or to even ourselves, to
(26:39):
be open to love, we need torelax, we need to open up our
bodies.
So, check in right now.
If you criticize yourself,notice what happens inside, what
happens to your body.
If you say something criticalto yourself, notice where
constriction happens.
That'll be another invitation,yeah, for you.
(27:01):
Start noticing how you talk toyourself and notice what happens
inside.
Yeah, there's a thought andquite often we don't even notice
what happens, how it affectsour body.
But when you think negativelyto yourself, check in, okay.
What happens inside?
Is there constriction in mybelly, in my heart?
What actually happens with me?
Aspect number five is creativeexploration.
(27:22):
I find as adults we stopplaying, we start to become so
serious, we lose that creativeexploration.
It's just so important forfulfilling sexual life.
When I play with others, Ishare my joy, I share my
playfulness with other peopleand it's all about our
willingness to explore andexperiment with our sexuality in
a safe way, right, safe,consensual ways.
(27:42):
It's about learning new ways toexperience pleasure, to
experience intimacy, because ashuman beings, we have two needs
right.
We have a need for safety andwe have a need for variety, for
something new, for somethingexciting, for adventure.
So how can I, am I willing toexplore?
How can I bring moreplayfulness, more adventure into
my life with my partner bymyself, with my partner by
(28:07):
myself?
Check out, like now withyourself Am I being playful?
How do I play?
How do I share my playfulnesswith others?
What I do when I do my 10-weekcourse, what I invite women is
to start flirting in a safe way,but flirting in a way of just
sharing my joy with other people, sharing the joy of being me
with other people, smiling topeople and being playful.
(28:35):
And, of course, quite often,when we're disconnected from our
body, when we judge ourselves,when we have past intimacy.
Traumas, that heaviness killsour playfulness.
That's when life becomes boring, that's when sexual intimacy
becomes more an effort than ajoy and playfulness.
So I wonder how you relate tothis one creative exploration,
if you can comment.
So these are the five aspectsof the sexual desire matrix
(28:56):
Self-intimacy, erotic voice,intimate resonance, body
appreciation and creativeexploration.
I invite you to choose oneaspect that you want to focus on
that you feel will be the keyfor you.
That can unlock lots of otherdoors.
Later you can do the other onesright, all of them are very
important and they're allinterconnected.
(29:18):
I do invite you in the commentsin the group to share which
pillar you feel like you need towork on and maybe, if you can
respond to at least three womenso we can keep that
communication connection goingon with the group, you can send
them a sense of support, becauseit's so nice to be supported
when we're talking about oursexuality and I know for some of
us it's a painful subject.
(29:39):
Anyone wants to focus on thecreative exploration and it
doesn't need to be scary, right,it's just one little step.
How can I play a bit more?
That's what Julia right.
She really said that doing thepractices helped her immensely
to improve her relationship withher body and then the sexuality
, sexual desire starts to flow.
Also, she says I feel like Ihave made a big step from
(30:00):
feeling like a little girltowards being a powerful woman.
That's inside of me, that's thepiece that I see happen so
often is when somehow, when wego into the bedroom, we drop
into being a little girl ratherthan an adult woman.
It's not appropriate for littlegirls to feel sexual right and
then we feel lost.
What we need to do is to startconnecting to the adult woman in
(30:22):
us, so the adult can take careof the inner child, but actually
to be sexual, connect to ouradult woman and that's the one
who goes forward, that's the onewho connects with another.
And Joe, yes, that's the piece.
When we feel more confident,then we can be more playful and
more fun.
So that's how it allinterrelates.
(30:42):
What can you do today to createmore play in your life?
If you've got any questions, ifyou post them in the comments.
To create more play in yourlife?
If you've got any questions, ifyou post them in the comments,
my invitation for you that don'twait for heart-melting sex, but
cause it to happen in your lifeand going through the sexual
desire matrix and looking at allfive aspects.
That's what's really going tochange the way you relate to
yourself sexually and to others.
Tomorrow we're going to go moreinto how do we actually awaken
(31:04):
our desire.
We're going to create a newstory for your sex life.
We're going to start awakeningthe power and beauty of your
desire and we're going to startbringing more love, more beauty
into your sexuality andconnecting your sexuality to
your heart.
On day three, we're going tolook at the barriers to our
desire, which is a reallyimportant aspect, because if
we've got the barriers, we can'tfeel playful and joyful and
(31:26):
sexual and confident.
We really need to look at thebarriers.
We can't feel playful andjoyful and sexual and confident.
We really need to look at thebarriers.
And then we're going to look athow to create heart milty and
spirit infused intimacy.
If I want to focus, like Milsays, on the logic voice, what
would it look like?
What actually am I doing?
Is it that I'm reallyconnecting to my desires and
just trying to voice at leastone desire a day with resonance?
(31:46):
What am I going to do?
Is it that anyone I meet?
I'm going to just check out?
Where is that space in betweenus?
What is the next step?
What can I do?
How can I practice that?
Please post your questions.
The more questions you ask me,the more I can design something
that really helps you.
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