May 26, 2025 • 42 mins
Live from the Baltimore Story Fest, Ansa Edim shares how storytelling helped her reclaim her voice after a divorce, explores personal freedom, and builds a life in fun, truth, and agency. Her vulnerability and humor reveal how owning your narrative can be deeply healing.Key Themes:
- Storytelling as a tool for self-healing
- Releasing validation-seeking behavior
- Embracing rest, boundaries, and joy
- Living a life that feels authentically yours
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
What's driving my life is that every day just has
to feel okay. And that's really not extravagant, not these
huge accomplishments.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
But did I make someone smile? I love making people say,
It's my favorite pastime.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
So that's what's driving my life is the usual ambition
and all of those things. But really, am I at
peace with everything I've done today? But the answer is yes,
then I've succeeded.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Welcome to the Shaping Freedom podcast, where we dive into
conversations that inspire personal growth, transformation and clarity and challenging times.
I'm your host, Lysan Bosquier. Welcome to Shaping Freedom with
Lisan Bosqua podcast. We are broadcasting from the Baltimore Story
Fests in Baltimore, Maryland. We're at the Baltimore Theater Project
(00:59):
and very honored to be one of this year's presenting
sponsors for the story fest coming up next. Please enjoy
my interview with one of the festival's dynamics storytellers. This
is an episode you're not going to want to miss. Today,
I'm honored to welcome Ansa Edam, an award winning storyteller
(01:21):
and vibrant voice from Washington, d C. Ansa's stories are
more than just captivating. They're deeply human. They're fearlessly authentic
and filled with the kind of wisdom that stays with
you long after the telling. With a keen ability to
illuminate life's pivotal moments, Ansa reminds us of the power
(01:41):
that lies within our own narratives. In this episode, Ansa
joins us to explore storytelling as a profound vehicle for
personal transformation, legacy building, and for embracing our fullest selves.
(02:02):
Welcome to the podcast. So happy you're here. Thank you,
Thank you for having me. What an introduction. You're welcome,
you know, a shipping free and we talk a lot
about reclaiming our narratives and rewriting our family's legacy through
owning the power of our ability to create our story.
(02:26):
How has storytelling empowered you personally to reclaim and reshape
parts of your journey? Amazing question, And it's it's been
a journey.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
What started out as something that was just fun because
I was living kind of what I didn't realize was
a silly life. But I was asking people like, oh,
is this normals? And people usually do this? And I
just started storytelling and it turned into what is now
a one woman show about me reclaiming my own agency,
(03:00):
and every time I do the show it's a catharsis.
I realized in storytelling over the years that I was
letting everyone else have agency over what my life looked like.
I was following someone to Hawaii, I was going over here.
I was just kind of saying yes to whatever, and
(03:21):
then looking back really disappointed that I wasn't driving my life.
I felt like I wasn't claiming any agency. Now when
I'm storytelling, it's just a reminder every.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Day that this is my story.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Yeah, and that telling it is something that I and
only I have the power to do.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
It's very empowering to do storytelling. Wow, how what got
you into this? It's a funny story. So I was.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Married for some time and then after I got divorced
around the age of twenty eight, so I was with
that person for ten years since I was eighteen, So
I'd never dated anyone else.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I had.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Really my whole life was just kind of following this
person around and being a military wife and everything. And
when that fell apart, I had no idea what the
world was like. There were dating apps and everyone had
spent their twenties dating and learning about themselves, and I
skipped all that because I found a husband pretty early,
so I thought I didn't have to do any of that,
and I just started saying yes to everything, going on
(04:27):
seven eight dates a week.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Wow croud. I had a spreadsheet. I couldn't remember people's names.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
I had a spreadsheet of memes and identifiable characteristics because
I couldn't remember people because I was like trying to
catch up.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
And then I would call my.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Friends and say, hey, you know, this guy asked me
out on a date, but he wants to meet up
at midnight.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Is that like a thing that people do? They are like,
what's wrong with you? And I'd say, I don't know, okay,
so I guess that's a yes. And I would go
on and it would go.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Crazy, and I would just start being in bar. I'm saying,
you know, yeah, this happened to me yesterday, and I
would end up standing on tables. I was abandoned by
an irishman in Iceland, and I just spent the rest
of the weekend standing on tables telling everyone how I
was abandoned by it.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Irish really islet. So that's how it started.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
I went to I saw them off had something and
I didn't know you were supposed to prepare for a story.
I just saw the theme and I got on stage
and I won.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
And I hadn't told anyone I was doing this for
maybe two or three years. And when I started winning
is when I started saying, Hey, do you want to
come see me at this thing? And I just went
from there Wow.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
So what I love is your vulnerability and your openness,
and your willingness to stand on a table at a
bar right after having been abandoned by an irishman in Ireland,
which is an amazing story in itself. But the fact
that you are able to share so much much of
(06:00):
yourself and who you are, I would imagine that that's
part of what makes this such an important part of
your life. Is your ability to process. I guess yes.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
I am processing out loud every time I'm on stage.
And the fact that people walk up to me afterwards
and say that was so relatable. This reminded me of
something with my grandmother. I didn't realize that everyone was
having the same experiences as I was.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
I didn't know.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
I thought I was living this crazy, crazy life and
to some extent. Yes, I'm kind of wild, but the
themes I wasn't putting together. And if no one tells
your story, then no one hears your story, right, Andy,
telling my story is a reminder that this happened, This's
really happened. Yeah, I just I don't think I could
(06:54):
live without just yapping to people about the craziest things
in the world.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
It's fun.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
It unites me with other people, as someone who felt
very sheltered for a number of years, trapped in a
relationship that I was too young to kind of understand
that I should leave. Now, I feel like I'm part.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Of the world.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, and that's the vulnerability. I don't fear judgment. I
don't fear anyone saying well. People often ask like, well,
how did your mom feel about that? My mom is
front row center, screaming, cheering me on. You know, my
parents have seen the show. I don't lose anything by
being vulnerable.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I only have something to gain. You need to say
that again for the people. And I don't lose anything
by being vulnerable. I only have something to gain, absolutely,
because there's truth that comes behind vulnerability. You can't deal
with what is hidden. No, No, it took me a
(07:55):
long time.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
To pause and say, you've been running for a long time.
And when I started telling the story, actually I had
to end it at some point because I was just
I was writing this show, I was writing this book.
And my editor finally said, okay, so this is the end, right,
this is the moment where you realize everything. And then
(08:17):
I would say, ooh, a guy just text me in
Iceland and he wants to know if I can see
him this weekend. So I'm going to get on a
flight right now. And then I would go, I left,
and then I came back and I said.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Okay, this is the end.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Because I was on the plane and I realized you're crazy.
You're doing things you know. You need to slow down.
And then I met someone and I said, okay, so
the story's not over. I need to do so at
some point I had to stop and look back. Yeah,
and I can pause and look forward, but I had to.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Stop and look back. And how did that help you?
Speaker 1 (08:47):
I am processing things so much more efficiently, I would say,
as my therapist might say, looking at life and themes
instead of unique points. I was able to bring it
all together and see, oh wait a second, you've done
this like three different times.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
There's a pattern here.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Yeah, I'm laughing and everyone's kicking, But when I get home,
I really, oh, I've told that story in three different
ways and three different points in my life. I'm doing
the same thing over and over. Have I learned anything?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
And now I think I have.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
But it took me saying over and over to say
this is a pattern. And I had the first I've
been in therapy the whole life, and I had the
first breakthrough, first breakthrough I've ever had very recently, because
I recognized that that there.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Were patterns going on for you, because you're telling you,
because I'm telling you.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
As a performer, I originally felt a little detached from
the from the show, like this is someone else on
stage doing this performance. And as I continue to do it,
it became more and more like me just talking to
friends at a bar and getting emotional at my own
stories and me realizing in real time that was really,
(10:03):
really rough.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
I can't believe you survived that storytelling.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Without storytelling, I don't know that I would have gotten
as far in my journey and my healing journey.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
You know. I think one of the things that's also
beautiful and unique about claiming yourself as a storyteller in
your own life is that so often the stories are told.
We allow other people to tell a story from us
for us. We allow other people to tell us who
(10:34):
we are and how we're supposed to approach things and
how we're supposed to respond to the things that are
happening in our lives. And it's such an act of
bravery for you to make the decision that you're going
to own that you're going to tell it yourself. You know,
from your own perspective, I would say.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
I an oral history or exactly, and the history is me.
I don't have kids or anything like that. This is
my legacy, is that I existed. And saying that, writing it,
telling people while I'm here on earth is deeky, fulfilling.
It makes me feel. It reminds me I exist.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Yeah, you're here in a beautiful way. So let's talk
about all this dating what you learn, which, for those
folks who are listening who are on the dating journey,
I okay, what did that or what is that teaching?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I am thirty seven, and for someone who started dating
a decade ago, less than a decade ago, I think
I finally learned that dating is not it. And I
mean that to say that my life was very validation centered.
I noticed I was chasing I was clinging to anyone
(11:55):
who validated my existence as a woman, as a person,
as a beautiful and now my life is so fulfilling
that anyone who wants to date me has to be
able to add to my already fulfilling life for you,
and that bar is so high that I actually haven't
been on dates in a long time because I'm not
(12:16):
looking for a partner. I'm looking for someone who might
sprinkle some fun on top of my life. And if
they can't do that, if it turns into any type
of work at all, I'm not telling anyone to take
the trash out.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
They can just leave. It's gotten to that point, that's
where you are.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
I'd spent so much time just hearing people talk about
women being bitter because I can't find anyone, and I
was part of that conversation, defending people, and it finally
occurred to me, there's so much more to life than
chasing this. I've spent my whole life because I was
told this is what you need to do, and I
(12:57):
truly believed when I was younger, that I would be
lucky if anyone looked my way, and that I never
I would never find anyone. And when two husbands fell
out of a tree, it just it was easier than
I thought it would be.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
And I like a challenge, so I let it go.
It was easier to be married than you thought it was.
It was easier to find someone to marry. That's the
easiest thing. That's not the thing. That's not that they were.
And I think so oft when we're running around and
it's like, you know, I the word validation that you
just mentioned, uh ah, reminded me that very often we,
(13:38):
especially as women, were looking to be chosen and I
this beautiful thing, and and I do think that it's
it's wonderful to allow men to be men in the
pursuit of a woman. But at the same time, uh,
we're choosing to Yeah, it's a two way interview, you know.
And I think it's so important that we remember that.
(14:01):
I think sometimes we get, you know, so caught up
that we're chasing after someone that maybe is rejecting us,
for abandoning us. That's not the person for you. You
don't have to do that. What is for you will
never pass you by, absolutely. And that's something that I
learned in all of this processing was that I'm not
after a breakup, I will look back and say, what
(14:22):
did I even like about them? And what I liked
was that they liked me right, and that's not sustainable.
I don't know. That's not enough. I need to like them.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
And I was so desperate for someone to like me
in a way that was fulfilling to me. So they
get my jokes, they get to be silly with me,
you know, they prop me up and they're encouraging. But
I am abandoning myself every single day to make sure
that they stay right.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
And at the end of it.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I'm so drained because I don't know who I am anymore.
I've just listed however long, and I've given up that validation.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
I have myself.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
I have the mirror for validation and I have friends, family, community.
That is what the priority is. And if a partner
comes along, maybe, but I'm not.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Lucky, that's great. You know. One of the things through
Shaping Freedom that I talked to people about is the
relationship that we're with ourselves. That is the most important
(15:31):
relationship because it's from that relationship that everything else flows.
So I'm so happy that that's where you've decided to
lean in, you know, to you what's happening with you.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Absolutely, this might sound weird, but there was a moment
where I caught my reflection in the mirror and I thought,
she's really cute.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
And I said, does everyone have a moment where you
find yourself attractive? That's hute? Don't like that I had.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
It had never occurred to me that that was something
that people might think about, because I and stop and
go back a couple of secs. Oh, like, oh, and
my friends are always talking about you know, oh, you're
such a great storyteller, so this, and they say, why
don't you believe us? But if a man said it,
then maybe I'd be like, oh, yeah, right way. And
now I'm you know, I got compliments on my eyes recently,
(16:24):
and so I like googled, like why would I Why
would people like my eyes? And I put a picture
in chattypt or something, and now I can't un see
it and I see it in every everyone I see
the same like shape eyes. I'm like, oh, those are
such beautiful eyes. I think storytelling and coming into myself
has really allowed me to truly participate in the world
and not just in my own bubble of pity, pity, loneliness.
(16:51):
And I'm nothing to pity. I'm having such a great
time in my life because I'm the one who's driving it.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
I think you're such an inspiration. Thank you, such and
such a beautiful inspiration, truly, And the courage that it takes,
again to share what's happening in your life in real
time without procrastinating about it, to edit and filter, but
just to tell it is an incredible gift and uh
(17:18):
and very inspirational. Thank you to me personally, and I
know to a lot of folks who are also watching
and listening. Stories have an ancient power to teach and
to heal. Can you share an experience where telling your
story helped you to gain clarity or healing around a
significant life moment for you?
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Yes, I think you heard the story I told on
mind your own about being get out of I was.
I might have been hypnotized against my will in the
woods of upstate New York.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
I did not hear that story. I heard the story
of the Shaman. That's the same that's the.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Same story, okay, And in that story, I didn't tell
anyone that I missed that part of it. Oh, okay,
so quick recap. I was engaged and I called it
off during the pandemic, but I was engaged. We went
up to upstate New York to a cabin in the woods,
to his uncle's property just for a weekend, and his
(18:24):
aunt ended up, you know, having me in one of
the buildings and she said she was a shaman, and yes,
so that's what happened.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Well when I came home.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
When we came home from that trip, I had had
doubts and I had told him like, I don't think
I want to do this, and he had convinced me,
over and over cold.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Feat is normal.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
If you can't do this with anyone else, if you
can't do this with me, you're not going to be
able to do it with anyone else.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
And I was like, well, maybe he's right. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
And then finally I just had this moment where I said,
I don't care if he's right, I don't want to
do this, and I called off the wedding. So in
my despair that my life was just changing dramatically yet again,
I was watching Flea Bag and there's a fox motif,
and I looked up the fox motif if I saw
a fox when the shot and the vision, the shan.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
And the show.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
If you see a fox in your vision or dream,
it tells you. It points you to something that might
be bad for you, to remind you to trust your instincts.
I completely broke down crying. I called my sister, I
told her what happened. I was like, no one would
ever believe me.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
She said, I believe you. She said we met that Phil.
I believe you. But just telling someone else.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Made me really look deeper into how did I even
get in that position where I was in the woods,
in this cabin with this woman. What led me to
be in a posited place I didn't want to be,
but I was there anyway because that's what I thought
I was supposed to do. It led me to question
a lot of things that I find myself in a
(19:58):
lot of predicaments. I don't want to live like that.
I want to put myself in in predicaments that might
be fun. But that was the biggest predicament I had
ever found myself in, and it made me question, what's
what's driving my life? So the healing that came from.
That is last is so profound, it's lasting to this day.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
What is driving your life? Funny today? Fun?
Speaker 1 (20:23):
It's that simple. I decorate my house like it's a
dopemine house. It's silly. I'm silly. I do whatever. It's clever.
If I need to rest, I rest. What's driving my
life is.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
That every day just has to feel okay.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Yeah, and that's really not extravagant, not these huge accomplishments.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
But did I make someone smile? I love making people.
It's my favorite pastime.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
So that's what's what's driving my life is the usual
ambition and all of those things. But really, am I
at peace with everything I've done today? If the answer
is yes, then I've succeeded.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Wow. So you talk about wanting to be and positioning
yourself as the person telling the story, the storyteller. If
you were to look forward a couple of decades, Oh,
(21:20):
what is the story that you would want to tell?
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I have a vision of myself living in the UK,
a very quiet, simple life where I had written a
note to myself that I found recently and it said
cute flat with a cat, warm socks, nice walks. The
first time I went to the UK was on a whim.
(21:46):
I was in Berlin looking for a place to live
because I was ready to just up and try something new.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
I was between jobs.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
I'd been laid off and I hadn't had any luck
finding a new job. And I said, I've never been
to Scotland.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
That's weird.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
I'd solo travel every year. So I popped up to
Scotland and as soon as I got off the trolley,
there was a castle right here, and an H and
M right here, and I said, I'm home.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
It was just perfect.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
It was beautiful and there was a I just kept saying,
there's a castle. No one is stopping and looking at
this castle, and it was I love history. I'm oddly
a World War two history buff. I just like history,
especially European history. I know my history, but there's something
interesting about how there are places older, like the United
(22:39):
States is not old enough as a country, right, So
if I'm going to go somewhere, yeah, I want to
go somewhere that's old. But there's thousands of years of
history that's documented. I just find it so fascinating that
I could just be standing somewhere where someone stood. I
do this for that I have a dream speech at
the Lincoln Memorial. I love standing exactly where la Martin
stood and I could just be like, oh, I just
(23:01):
feel like you could feel it.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
So I'm in Scotland. I'm loving Edinburgh. It's walkable, it's
everyone's nice. I didn't feel this is complicated for me
and for I know a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I didn't feel very black in a good way.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
I've traveled all over and you can feel black in
other places, and I've felt black in Europe before in
the UK, but I just felt like me just kind
of wandering around. Yeah, and I said, this is it.
Forget Berlin, this is it. And then I met someone
and we dated for the next six months or so.
So I was going back and forth, and every time
(23:43):
I've felt further and further in love. And then when
that relationship ended, I'm still moving here, by the way.
So's that's the plan. I spent last August there, I'm
spending this August again there.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
It's just Pete.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
It's the peace I think that I've been looking for,
where it's quiet and I could live a slow, quiet life.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
What does a slow quiet life look like for you?
Because I get the impression just in this short amount
of time that you're absolutely courageous, braver than most. You
have this incredible ability to process out loud, and through
that processing to help those folks that are within your earshot.
(24:30):
It's pretty clear that you love adventure and fun, and
so what would a slow life look like for you
as a woman who is up to so much.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
It's interesting you say that because I think I might
be processing.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Out loud right now.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
I haven't given myself the chance to live a slow,
quiet life that is not full of adventure. That I'm
chasing something all the time. I'm building something all the time.
I'm going from this project to that project, or this
hobby to that hobby. On away, I joined the our
I audition for the Washington National Gospel Choir, and that
(25:11):
year I was in the Gospel choir. So I just
do whatever's fun, and I get burnt out very easily.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
So it'll be a high of.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Three months and then I'm just like so drained, and
then a high of three months and then I'm so drained.
I have no idea what life looks like when it's
slow and quiet, and I want to see, so I
don't know that I have an answer to what it
looks like, but I know that I want to find out,
and that's what packing up. Going to find a nice
one bedroom flat where I can walk to the corner
(25:44):
the corner co op whenever I need groceries. I'm imagining
lighting a candle, warm fuzzy socks.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
And just reading.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
That's something I could probably do now, but there's too
much weight in my life now. In my home is
a house I bought for my ex fiance, Like, I
just want to try something new, and I wonder if
peace will look good on me.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
So I don't know what it looks like, but i'd
like to find out. Okay, that's an adventure. It's a
new adventure. I'm packing up. You said that do you
burn out easily? But what makes you say that?
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Well, so, I have a full time job on top
of storytelling, and it got to the point where my
bosses were like, hey, you haven't taken a vacation in
a while, and I'm like, nope, you can't take vacation.
Don't have time. And I've realized that I would close
my laptop at five pm, and then I would close
(26:50):
the work laptop, open my personal laptop and be writing
stories or I'm rehearsing until ten pm or designing at like.
I was so tired and I would go to bed
at around one o'clock and wake up the next morning
and do it over again for months, and I noticed that.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
I was getting snippy with people. I noticed I was
so run down.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
I was losing a lot of weight, which I'm a
big girl, and I really I like it.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
So I was like, I don't. I don't like this.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
And I was really tired all the time, and I
wasn't seeing anyone socially. I was just like, nope, I
need to sleep any spare moment I have. And it
got to the point where I just broke down at
work and was crying and I was quiet, I crying.
I was just that tired and I wasn't giving myself
the opportunity to rest.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
And it was my boss, who I love. She's going
to be so happy I did this podcast.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
But she said, if you don't give yourself time, your
body's going to take it for you.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
That's right. And I after I was crying and I.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
Said I need to take two days off right now,
and I did, and she said two days, No, you
need to take three weeks, and I said, I can't
do that, that's not possible.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
So I took this week off.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Actually, but yeah, I just get tired.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Well, why do you say that you burn out easily? Easily?
Is the part that i'm a little I think it's
because it sounds like you're doing a lot of things. Yeah,
burning out is appropriate, the energy that you're putting out.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
I hear a lot of like you're doing too much
or are you doing too much? Nobody has told me
I'm doing too much, but they imply. I think I
burn out easily because storytelling is so personal. It's draining.
It's after the show. I do my show. Now, I'm
drained because I just laid my entire soul bear to
a room full of strangers. Then they want to talk
(28:47):
about the show because they have questions and they relate,
and I'm so grateful. But I'm tired because I just,
you know, let all this out, and then I need
to As I'm leaving, my director has some notes for.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Like okay, yeah, and then I'd go home.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
And sleep, and then I have to wake up and
go to work. So I think I burn out easily
because it's hard for me to separate me performing a
story from me telling my story.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Yeah, I'm not performing, and I don't know you very well,
but I will say that it doesn't sound like you're
burning out easily. It sounds really okay. Maybe my standards
for myself are very high. Well they are, ye, right,
because that, you know, burning out easily, there's some it
sounds like there's some judgment in that. And I think
it's perfectly understandable that if you're doing the things you're doing,
(29:35):
and you're exerting and exuding that kind of personal energy
on stage and then everything that happens afterwards, where folks
are lining up, you know, and doing that, I mean,
it's perfectly understandable that you would be feeling burnt out.
You didn't ask me. This is totally unsolicited.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
I feel No, I feel much better hearing that, especially
because it doesn't give me time to absorb and enjoy
kind of the fruits of my labor. I just won
Best Storytelling at the New York City French Festival, and
I wasn't even thank you graduations. I wasn't even there
to accept the award because I went home.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
You were doing something else.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
No, I was tired. I just went home. So my
show was my last show of the festival. Was that
Saturday night. I caught an early train back home to
DC and I was I slept until Monday.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
And I got an Instagram message from another storyteller saying,
you just won this big award and no one's here
to clean.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
I said, there's an award ceremony.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
Yeah, And that was This is fairly recently in the
last few weeks that I started to realize, like, I
need to figure out a way to balance my life, because.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
That's a that's a great moment.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
I could have been on stage, I could have It
took me until telling.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
Other people, yeah, I won this award and they were like,
wait what.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
I was like, yeah, yeah, I won this award. I
would like to slow down a little bit, but I
don't know how.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
I don't know how. Yeah, I don't know. As the
founder of Shaping Freedom, I'm going to share something with
you that I think what can be helpful. And I'm
(31:22):
smiling because I've been through this myself. Right, I am,
I go. I do a lot of different things. I
love that feeling of challenging myself to do new things
and what I found in the past is that I
would go through these cycles of like up up, up,
up up, and then I'm crashed for the weekend, and
(31:46):
then I get just enough rest to get me back
on my feet and I do the same thing. And
I was on that cycle for a really long time.
And what I discovered over time and recognized is that
I needed to accept my lifestyle. Oh right, because I
(32:09):
was still mentally seeing my life three lifestyles ago. And
then once I decided, once I decided that, or once
I recognized that, oh wait a minute, my life is different. Yeah,
my life is different. So let me take a step back, like,
(32:30):
what does this version of my life need from me
in order for me to not feel like I'm constantly
in this pendulum swing of high and then crashing out
in cocooning and laying on the couch all weekend or
sleeping or whatever. And it really for me came down
to accepting my lifestyle wow, and interjecting care along the way.
(32:58):
Because one of the things, and again I know this
is completely unsolicited, you are a storyteller. You're a storyteller.
You are a pioneer. What I view of you is,
you're a pioneer. You understand the importance of oral history,
and you're telling it and that's a legacy building activity
(33:21):
and you want to be able to do it over time,
and you want to get the same joy and fun
out of it. So maybe there's some integration between fun
and work. I need to figure that out and finding
some harmony in it. But really looking at your life,
and I'm saying that only because you said burnout easily.
(33:42):
You're not burning out easily. You're burning out because you're
burning out because you're doing the thing you know. You're
working hard to burn out, right, And so it's like,
what can you do to be able to make it
more sustainable for yourself.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
That's really profound for me because I go, go, go,
and I don't slow down. I see that, and another
storyteller friend, he said, I think you're feeling the tension
between your storytelling is going up, up up. You're booking
all these things, you're winning all these awards, but you
still have a job and a home and pets and
(34:20):
family and friends. And if I'm focusing on storytelling, the
job is maybe struggling. If I'm focusing on the job,
maybe I'm not booking any storytelling gigs. And he said
something like, at some point, you're going to have to
decide what your life is. Yea, And that's what it
sounds like. That's what I'm hearing from you. And that's
a scary challenge for me because I.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Should just tell a story about it.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
And I've been going, I've been going, like a story
that I'm working on our show. I'm working on as
call lessons in spite because every accomplishment of my life
has been because I was trying to make someone mad.
I looked back and I tell you every single thing
I've done, whether it was going to business school, whether
it was writing the show This is Normal? It was
(35:06):
too because I was like, oh, I'll show you. But
when the show was over the first time I did
a run of is this normal, Everyone's like, what's next?
Speaker 2 (35:16):
What sucks? And I was like nothing, I did it.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
I did the thing, and they were like, well you
you kind of like should keep going right, And it's like, oh,
I guess I could. That's just another version of me
not driving my own life.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Yeah, was it?
Speaker 1 (35:33):
Would I have ever written a one woman's show if
I wasn't pissed at somebody, you know, I don't know,
I don't know that I would have had the kind
of drive the motivation to do it. And it's hard
for me sometimes to motivate myself, to remember myself in
the story and to slow down and say, Okay, maybe
you should hire a producer or pr because I'm the
(35:56):
one writing and pitching myself and doing all of this,
and maybe I need help.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
I think that's kind of That's what's coming up for
me in the after this New York Fringe Festival. I
just remember my show premiered in New York in January
and my dog passed away two days before, and I said,
if he passes away, if he doesn't pass away this week,
I'm not doing the show.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
I said, I'm sorry, I have to be here because
when his brother passed away, I was leaving.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Two days later as well, and I said, if.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
He doesn't he's sick. If he doesn't pass away, I'm
not going. And I think they knew I needed to
be released, but I didn't have time to grieve either
of them. I had shows to do. And when I'm
alone at home is when I finally.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
I'm like, my dog died.
Speaker 1 (36:50):
You know, I'm not giving myself the grace that I
think I should the space and the grace, and I
forget about myself as a character of the story. So
it also think about myself sometimes as a character in
the story because I'm the main character. I'm not the
funny fat friend, which I am that person, but that
(37:12):
person is the main character. And I had never envisioned
myself as the main character. And I'm struggling.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
Now you are the main character. You are creating this
incredible platform for yourself. Thank you, and you're being validated
along the way for you for who you are. And
when our lives start to evolve into something different, we
(37:46):
have to evolve right alongside it. And we also have
to evolve again our lifestyle. There's an evolution to your
lifestyle and the way that you're approaching your life on
a day to day basis that could probably use some
looking at. Probably.
Speaker 1 (38:05):
I mean I was thinking when Phil said, are you
staying for the show tonight? I was like, Oh, I
guess I could. I was just going to go home.
It's a two hour job. It's going to turn around
and go back home because I have things to do. Yeah,
but this is the slow life. This is the thing
I'm building is me it's the evolution of myself. And
(38:27):
I really liked that you used the word that that
was two lifestyles ago. I used to joke to people,
Oh that was like ten lives ago, you know, because
a neighbor would say.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
Yeah, that house on the corner and I say, oh, yeah,
I owned that house and she's how old are you?
Was like ten life times ago, you know.
Speaker 1 (38:46):
And I've been thinking of this version of me, this
version of me, this version of me, but it's me
throughout the whole story, and I keep forgetting that. I'm
really inspired by this conversation to really challenge myself to
remember myself.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
Please. I have to please, I have to please. You're
up to huge things and please, so how can we
support you? Wow?
Speaker 1 (39:18):
My show Is This Normal is doing a second run
at the Edinburgh Fine Festival this summer.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Okay, congratulations, thank.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
You, after a four star debut last summer. And I'm
really just wanting to immerse myself in this space a
little bit more and with more purpose. Every opportunity I've
had has been something I've either stumbled upon or like,
oh this looks interesting.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
But I'm so inspired by everyone or around me.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
They're all celebrities to me and I just want to
build more community.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
And so how you can help me, I don't know.
I don't know. I don't That's okay, I'm going to
say something. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Or
you just offered help and.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
I have no idea how to how to tell you
to help me because I'm.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Thinking, no, I have that, I got that. I don't
need that. So let me ask you this, are you
first generation? I am well. I was born in the
first generation born in the US. My parents are Nigerian. Yeah,
I first generation born in the US. My father was Haitian.
And learning how to ask for help was when it
has been one of my biggest challenges in life. But
(40:32):
I've gotten there because there's no way that you can
there's a cap on what you can do by yourself.
I want to thank you so much. I could actually
sit here and chat with you for hours.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
I'm sure I could talk to you for hours as well,
because I'm healing in real time right.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
Now, for hours. But I know that we have to
clear this so then folks can get ready for the
story fest tonight, the Baltimore story Fest tonight, where you
will be speaking tomorrow I will I'll be performing Is
This Normal, my one woman's storytelling show about my dating life.
Speaker 1 (41:13):
It's a journey to self acceptance and it starts off
when I'm nine years old and goes through today, and
so I'll be performing that tomorrow evening here at the
Baltimore story Fest at eight pm. And yeah, any recommendations
for learning how to ask for help? I think that's
(41:34):
the help I need right now.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
Okay, I will send you a Shaping Freedom link or
for any lessons. Plenty of lessons around that. But thank you.
Thank you so much for your time. I know that,
I know you traveled a way to get here, so
I'm absolutely grateful for that and appreciative. And thank you
so much for bringing yourself into this conversation and for
sharing so vulnerably, both on the stage as you always
(41:59):
do and here chatting with me. I look forward to
us continuing to chat and to get to know each other.
And thank you for joining me, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
I'm so honored to be here, and this was amazing
for me as a performer and as a person, So
thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
Excellent, excellent,
What's driving my life is that every day just has
to feel okay. And that's really not extravagant, not these
huge accomplishments.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
But did I make someone smile? I love making people say,
It's my favorite pastime.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
So that's what's driving my life is the usual ambition
and all of those things. But really, am I at
peace with everything I've done today? But the answer is yes,
then I've succeeded.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Welcome to the Shaping Freedom podcast, where we dive into
conversations that inspire personal growth, transformation and clarity and challenging times.
I'm your host, Lysan Bosquier. Welcome to Shaping Freedom with
Lisan Bosqua podcast. We are broadcasting from the Baltimore Story
Fests in Baltimore, Maryland. We're at the Baltimore Theater Project
(00:59):
and very honored to be one of this year's presenting
sponsors for the story fest coming up next. Please enjoy
my interview with one of the festival's dynamics storytellers. This
is an episode you're not going to want to miss. Today,
I'm honored to welcome Ansa Edam, an award winning storyteller
(01:21):
and vibrant voice from Washington, d C. Ansa's stories are
more than just captivating. They're deeply human. They're fearlessly authentic
and filled with the kind of wisdom that stays with
you long after the telling. With a keen ability to
illuminate life's pivotal moments, Ansa reminds us of the power
(01:41):
that lies within our own narratives. In this episode, Ansa
joins us to explore storytelling as a profound vehicle for
personal transformation, legacy building, and for embracing our fullest selves.
(02:02):
Welcome to the podcast. So happy you're here. Thank you,
Thank you for having me. What an introduction. You're welcome,
you know, a shipping free and we talk a lot
about reclaiming our narratives and rewriting our family's legacy through
owning the power of our ability to create our story.
(02:26):
How has storytelling empowered you personally to reclaim and reshape
parts of your journey? Amazing question, And it's it's been
a journey.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
What started out as something that was just fun because
I was living kind of what I didn't realize was
a silly life. But I was asking people like, oh,
is this normals? And people usually do this? And I
just started storytelling and it turned into what is now
a one woman show about me reclaiming my own agency,
(03:00):
and every time I do the show it's a catharsis.
I realized in storytelling over the years that I was
letting everyone else have agency over what my life looked like.
I was following someone to Hawaii, I was going over here.
I was just kind of saying yes to whatever, and
(03:21):
then looking back really disappointed that I wasn't driving my life.
I felt like I wasn't claiming any agency. Now when
I'm storytelling, it's just a reminder every.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Day that this is my story.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Yeah, and that telling it is something that I and
only I have the power to do.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
It's very empowering to do storytelling. Wow, how what got
you into this? It's a funny story. So I was.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Married for some time and then after I got divorced
around the age of twenty eight, so I was with
that person for ten years since I was eighteen, So
I'd never dated anyone else.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I had.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Really my whole life was just kind of following this
person around and being a military wife and everything. And
when that fell apart, I had no idea what the
world was like. There were dating apps and everyone had
spent their twenties dating and learning about themselves, and I
skipped all that because I found a husband pretty early,
so I thought I didn't have to do any of that,
and I just started saying yes to everything, going on
(04:27):
seven eight dates a week.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Wow croud. I had a spreadsheet. I couldn't remember people's names.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
I had a spreadsheet of memes and identifiable characteristics because
I couldn't remember people because I was like trying to
catch up.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
And then I would call my.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Friends and say, hey, you know, this guy asked me
out on a date, but he wants to meet up
at midnight.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Is that like a thing that people do? They are like,
what's wrong with you? And I'd say, I don't know, okay,
so I guess that's a yes. And I would go
on and it would go.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Crazy, and I would just start being in bar. I'm saying,
you know, yeah, this happened to me yesterday, and I
would end up standing on tables. I was abandoned by
an irishman in Iceland, and I just spent the rest
of the weekend standing on tables telling everyone how I
was abandoned by it.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Irish really islet. So that's how it started.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
I went to I saw them off had something and
I didn't know you were supposed to prepare for a story.
I just saw the theme and I got on stage
and I won.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
And I hadn't told anyone I was doing this for
maybe two or three years. And when I started winning
is when I started saying, Hey, do you want to
come see me at this thing? And I just went
from there Wow.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
So what I love is your vulnerability and your openness,
and your willingness to stand on a table at a
bar right after having been abandoned by an irishman in Ireland,
which is an amazing story in itself. But the fact
that you are able to share so much much of
(06:00):
yourself and who you are, I would imagine that that's
part of what makes this such an important part of
your life. Is your ability to process. I guess yes.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
I am processing out loud every time I'm on stage.
And the fact that people walk up to me afterwards
and say that was so relatable. This reminded me of
something with my grandmother. I didn't realize that everyone was
having the same experiences as I was.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
I didn't know.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
I thought I was living this crazy, crazy life and
to some extent. Yes, I'm kind of wild, but the
themes I wasn't putting together. And if no one tells
your story, then no one hears your story, right, Andy,
telling my story is a reminder that this happened, This's
really happened. Yeah, I just I don't think I could
(06:54):
live without just yapping to people about the craziest things
in the world.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
It's fun.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
It unites me with other people, as someone who felt
very sheltered for a number of years, trapped in a
relationship that I was too young to kind of understand
that I should leave. Now, I feel like I'm part.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
Of the world.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, and that's the vulnerability. I don't fear judgment. I
don't fear anyone saying well. People often ask like, well,
how did your mom feel about that? My mom is
front row center, screaming, cheering me on. You know, my
parents have seen the show. I don't lose anything by
being vulnerable.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I only have something to gain. You need to say
that again for the people. And I don't lose anything
by being vulnerable. I only have something to gain, absolutely,
because there's truth that comes behind vulnerability. You can't deal
with what is hidden. No, No, it took me a
(07:55):
long time.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
To pause and say, you've been running for a long time.
And when I started telling the story, actually I had
to end it at some point because I was just
I was writing this show, I was writing this book.
And my editor finally said, okay, so this is the end, right,
this is the moment where you realize everything. And then
(08:17):
I would say, ooh, a guy just text me in
Iceland and he wants to know if I can see
him this weekend. So I'm going to get on a
flight right now. And then I would go, I left,
and then I came back and I said.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Okay, this is the end.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Because I was on the plane and I realized you're crazy.
You're doing things you know. You need to slow down.
And then I met someone and I said, okay, so
the story's not over. I need to do so at
some point I had to stop and look back. Yeah,
and I can pause and look forward, but I had to.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Stop and look back. And how did that help you?
Speaker 1 (08:47):
I am processing things so much more efficiently, I would say,
as my therapist might say, looking at life and themes
instead of unique points. I was able to bring it
all together and see, oh wait a second, you've done
this like three different times.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
There's a pattern here.
Speaker 1 (09:06):
Yeah, I'm laughing and everyone's kicking, But when I get home,
I really, oh, I've told that story in three different
ways and three different points in my life. I'm doing
the same thing over and over. Have I learned anything?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
And now I think I have.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
But it took me saying over and over to say
this is a pattern. And I had the first I've
been in therapy the whole life, and I had the
first breakthrough, first breakthrough I've ever had very recently, because
I recognized that that there.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Were patterns going on for you, because you're telling you,
because I'm telling you.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
As a performer, I originally felt a little detached from
the from the show, like this is someone else on
stage doing this performance. And as I continue to do it,
it became more and more like me just talking to
friends at a bar and getting emotional at my own
stories and me realizing in real time that was really,
(10:03):
really rough.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
I can't believe you survived that storytelling.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Without storytelling, I don't know that I would have gotten
as far in my journey and my healing journey.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
You know. I think one of the things that's also
beautiful and unique about claiming yourself as a storyteller in
your own life is that so often the stories are told.
We allow other people to tell a story from us
for us. We allow other people to tell us who
(10:34):
we are and how we're supposed to approach things and
how we're supposed to respond to the things that are
happening in our lives. And it's such an act of
bravery for you to make the decision that you're going
to own that you're going to tell it yourself. You know,
from your own perspective, I would say.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
I an oral history or exactly, and the history is me.
I don't have kids or anything like that. This is
my legacy, is that I existed. And saying that, writing it,
telling people while I'm here on earth is deeky, fulfilling.
It makes me feel. It reminds me I exist.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Yeah, you're here in a beautiful way. So let's talk
about all this dating what you learn, which, for those
folks who are listening who are on the dating journey,
I okay, what did that or what is that teaching?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I am thirty seven, and for someone who started dating
a decade ago, less than a decade ago, I think
I finally learned that dating is not it. And I
mean that to say that my life was very validation centered.
I noticed I was chasing I was clinging to anyone
(11:55):
who validated my existence as a woman, as a person,
as a beautiful and now my life is so fulfilling
that anyone who wants to date me has to be
able to add to my already fulfilling life for you,
and that bar is so high that I actually haven't
been on dates in a long time because I'm not
(12:16):
looking for a partner. I'm looking for someone who might
sprinkle some fun on top of my life. And if
they can't do that, if it turns into any type
of work at all, I'm not telling anyone to take
the trash out.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
They can just leave. It's gotten to that point, that's
where you are.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
I'd spent so much time just hearing people talk about
women being bitter because I can't find anyone, and I
was part of that conversation, defending people, and it finally
occurred to me, there's so much more to life than
chasing this. I've spent my whole life because I was
told this is what you need to do, and I
(12:57):
truly believed when I was younger, that I would be
lucky if anyone looked my way, and that I never
I would never find anyone. And when two husbands fell
out of a tree, it just it was easier than
I thought it would be.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
And I like a challenge, so I let it go.
It was easier to be married than you thought it was.
It was easier to find someone to marry. That's the
easiest thing. That's not the thing. That's not that they were.
And I think so oft when we're running around and
it's like, you know, I the word validation that you
just mentioned, uh ah, reminded me that very often we,
(13:38):
especially as women, were looking to be chosen and I
this beautiful thing, and and I do think that it's
it's wonderful to allow men to be men in the
pursuit of a woman. But at the same time, uh,
we're choosing to Yeah, it's a two way interview, you know.
And I think it's so important that we remember that.
(14:01):
I think sometimes we get, you know, so caught up
that we're chasing after someone that maybe is rejecting us,
for abandoning us. That's not the person for you. You
don't have to do that. What is for you will
never pass you by, absolutely. And that's something that I
learned in all of this processing was that I'm not
after a breakup, I will look back and say, what
(14:22):
did I even like about them? And what I liked
was that they liked me right, and that's not sustainable.
I don't know. That's not enough. I need to like them.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
And I was so desperate for someone to like me
in a way that was fulfilling to me. So they
get my jokes, they get to be silly with me,
you know, they prop me up and they're encouraging. But
I am abandoning myself every single day to make sure
that they stay right.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
And at the end of it.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I'm so drained because I don't know who I am anymore.
I've just listed however long, and I've given up that validation.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
I have myself.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
I have the mirror for validation and I have friends, family, community.
That is what the priority is. And if a partner
comes along, maybe, but I'm not.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Lucky, that's great. You know. One of the things through
Shaping Freedom that I talked to people about is the
relationship that we're with ourselves. That is the most important
(15:31):
relationship because it's from that relationship that everything else flows.
So I'm so happy that that's where you've decided to
lean in, you know, to you what's happening with you.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Absolutely, this might sound weird, but there was a moment
where I caught my reflection in the mirror and I thought,
she's really cute.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
And I said, does everyone have a moment where you
find yourself attractive? That's hute? Don't like that I had.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
It had never occurred to me that that was something
that people might think about, because I and stop and
go back a couple of secs. Oh, like, oh, and
my friends are always talking about you know, oh, you're
such a great storyteller, so this, and they say, why
don't you believe us? But if a man said it,
then maybe I'd be like, oh, yeah, right way. And
now I'm you know, I got compliments on my eyes recently,
(16:24):
and so I like googled, like why would I Why
would people like my eyes? And I put a picture
in chattypt or something, and now I can't un see
it and I see it in every everyone I see
the same like shape eyes. I'm like, oh, those are
such beautiful eyes. I think storytelling and coming into myself
has really allowed me to truly participate in the world
and not just in my own bubble of pity, pity, loneliness.
(16:51):
And I'm nothing to pity. I'm having such a great
time in my life because I'm the one who's driving it.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
I think you're such an inspiration. Thank you, such and
such a beautiful inspiration, truly, And the courage that it takes,
again to share what's happening in your life in real
time without procrastinating about it, to edit and filter, but
just to tell it is an incredible gift and uh
(17:18):
and very inspirational. Thank you to me personally, and I
know to a lot of folks who are also watching
and listening. Stories have an ancient power to teach and
to heal. Can you share an experience where telling your
story helped you to gain clarity or healing around a
significant life moment for you?
Speaker 1 (17:40):
Yes, I think you heard the story I told on
mind your own about being get out of I was.
I might have been hypnotized against my will in the
woods of upstate New York.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
I did not hear that story. I heard the story
of the Shaman. That's the same that's the.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Same story, okay, And in that story, I didn't tell
anyone that I missed that part of it. Oh, okay,
so quick recap. I was engaged and I called it
off during the pandemic, but I was engaged. We went
up to upstate New York to a cabin in the woods,
to his uncle's property just for a weekend, and his
(18:24):
aunt ended up, you know, having me in one of
the buildings and she said she was a shaman, and yes,
so that's what happened.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Well when I came home.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
When we came home from that trip, I had had
doubts and I had told him like, I don't think
I want to do this, and he had convinced me,
over and over cold.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Feat is normal.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
If you can't do this with anyone else, if you
can't do this with me, you're not going to be
able to do it with anyone else.
Speaker 2 (18:48):
And I was like, well, maybe he's right. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
And then finally I just had this moment where I said,
I don't care if he's right, I don't want to
do this, and I called off the wedding. So in
my despair that my life was just changing dramatically yet again,
I was watching Flea Bag and there's a fox motif,
and I looked up the fox motif if I saw
a fox when the shot and the vision, the shan.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
And the show.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
If you see a fox in your vision or dream,
it tells you. It points you to something that might
be bad for you, to remind you to trust your instincts.
I completely broke down crying. I called my sister, I
told her what happened. I was like, no one would
ever believe me.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
She said, I believe you. She said we met that Phil.
I believe you. But just telling someone else.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
Made me really look deeper into how did I even
get in that position where I was in the woods,
in this cabin with this woman. What led me to
be in a posited place I didn't want to be,
but I was there anyway because that's what I thought
I was supposed to do. It led me to question
a lot of things that I find myself in a
(19:58):
lot of predicaments. I don't want to live like that.
I want to put myself in in predicaments that might
be fun. But that was the biggest predicament I had
ever found myself in, and it made me question, what's
what's driving my life? So the healing that came from.
That is last is so profound, it's lasting to this day.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
What is driving your life? Funny today? Fun?
Speaker 1 (20:23):
It's that simple. I decorate my house like it's a
dopemine house. It's silly. I'm silly. I do whatever. It's clever.
If I need to rest, I rest. What's driving my
life is.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
That every day just has to feel okay.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
Yeah, and that's really not extravagant, not these huge accomplishments.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
But did I make someone smile? I love making people.
It's my favorite pastime.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
So that's what's what's driving my life is the usual
ambition and all of those things. But really, am I
at peace with everything I've done today? If the answer
is yes, then I've succeeded.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Wow. So you talk about wanting to be and positioning
yourself as the person telling the story, the storyteller. If
you were to look forward a couple of decades, Oh,
(21:20):
what is the story that you would want to tell?
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I have a vision of myself living in the UK,
a very quiet, simple life where I had written a
note to myself that I found recently and it said
cute flat with a cat, warm socks, nice walks. The
first time I went to the UK was on a whim.
(21:46):
I was in Berlin looking for a place to live
because I was ready to just up and try something new.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
I was between jobs.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
I'd been laid off and I hadn't had any luck
finding a new job. And I said, I've never been
to Scotland.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
That's weird.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
I'd solo travel every year. So I popped up to
Scotland and as soon as I got off the trolley,
there was a castle right here, and an H and
M right here, and I said, I'm home.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
It was just perfect.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
It was beautiful and there was a I just kept saying,
there's a castle. No one is stopping and looking at
this castle, and it was I love history. I'm oddly
a World War two history buff. I just like history,
especially European history. I know my history, but there's something
interesting about how there are places older, like the United
(22:39):
States is not old enough as a country, right, So
if I'm going to go somewhere, yeah, I want to
go somewhere that's old. But there's thousands of years of
history that's documented. I just find it so fascinating that
I could just be standing somewhere where someone stood. I
do this for that I have a dream speech at
the Lincoln Memorial. I love standing exactly where la Martin
stood and I could just be like, oh, I just
(23:01):
feel like you could feel it.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
So I'm in Scotland. I'm loving Edinburgh. It's walkable, it's
everyone's nice. I didn't feel this is complicated for me
and for I know a lot of people.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I didn't feel very black in a good way.
Speaker 1 (23:21):
I've traveled all over and you can feel black in
other places, and I've felt black in Europe before in
the UK, but I just felt like me just kind
of wandering around. Yeah, and I said, this is it.
Forget Berlin, this is it. And then I met someone
and we dated for the next six months or so.
So I was going back and forth, and every time
(23:43):
I've felt further and further in love. And then when
that relationship ended, I'm still moving here, by the way.
So's that's the plan. I spent last August there, I'm
spending this August again there.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
It's just Pete.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
It's the peace I think that I've been looking for,
where it's quiet and I could live a slow, quiet life.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
What does a slow quiet life look like for you?
Because I get the impression just in this short amount
of time that you're absolutely courageous, braver than most. You
have this incredible ability to process out loud, and through
that processing to help those folks that are within your earshot.
(24:30):
It's pretty clear that you love adventure and fun, and
so what would a slow life look like for you
as a woman who is up to so much.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
It's interesting you say that because I think I might
be processing.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Out loud right now.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
I haven't given myself the chance to live a slow,
quiet life that is not full of adventure. That I'm
chasing something all the time. I'm building something all the time.
I'm going from this project to that project, or this
hobby to that hobby. On away, I joined the our
I audition for the Washington National Gospel Choir, and that
(25:11):
year I was in the Gospel choir. So I just
do whatever's fun, and I get burnt out very easily.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
So it'll be a high of.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Three months and then I'm just like so drained, and
then a high of three months and then I'm so drained.
I have no idea what life looks like when it's
slow and quiet, and I want to see, so I
don't know that I have an answer to what it
looks like, but I know that I want to find out,
and that's what packing up. Going to find a nice
one bedroom flat where I can walk to the corner
(25:44):
the corner co op whenever I need groceries. I'm imagining
lighting a candle, warm fuzzy socks.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
And just reading.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
That's something I could probably do now, but there's too
much weight in my life now. In my home is
a house I bought for my ex fiance, Like, I
just want to try something new, and I wonder if
peace will look good on me.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
So I don't know what it looks like, but i'd
like to find out. Okay, that's an adventure. It's a
new adventure. I'm packing up. You said that do you
burn out easily? But what makes you say that?
Speaker 1 (26:29):
Well, so, I have a full time job on top
of storytelling, and it got to the point where my
bosses were like, hey, you haven't taken a vacation in
a while, and I'm like, nope, you can't take vacation.
Don't have time. And I've realized that I would close
my laptop at five pm, and then I would close
(26:50):
the work laptop, open my personal laptop and be writing
stories or I'm rehearsing until ten pm or designing at like.
I was so tired and I would go to bed
at around one o'clock and wake up the next morning
and do it over again for months, and I noticed that.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
I was getting snippy with people. I noticed I was
so run down.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
I was losing a lot of weight, which I'm a
big girl, and I really I like it.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
So I was like, I don't. I don't like this.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
And I was really tired all the time, and I
wasn't seeing anyone socially. I was just like, nope, I
need to sleep any spare moment I have. And it
got to the point where I just broke down at
work and was crying and I was quiet, I crying.
I was just that tired and I wasn't giving myself
the opportunity to rest.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
And it was my boss, who I love. She's going
to be so happy I did this podcast.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
But she said, if you don't give yourself time, your
body's going to take it for you.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
That's right. And I after I was crying and I.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
Said I need to take two days off right now,
and I did, and she said two days, No, you
need to take three weeks, and I said, I can't
do that, that's not possible.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
So I took this week off.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Actually, but yeah, I just get tired.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Well, why do you say that you burn out easily? Easily?
Is the part that i'm a little I think it's
because it sounds like you're doing a lot of things. Yeah,
burning out is appropriate, the energy that you're putting out.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
I hear a lot of like you're doing too much
or are you doing too much? Nobody has told me
I'm doing too much, but they imply. I think I
burn out easily because storytelling is so personal. It's draining.
It's after the show. I do my show. Now, I'm
drained because I just laid my entire soul bear to
a room full of strangers. Then they want to talk
(28:47):
about the show because they have questions and they relate,
and I'm so grateful. But I'm tired because I just,
you know, let all this out, and then I need
to As I'm leaving, my director has some notes for.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Like okay, yeah, and then I'd go home.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
And sleep, and then I have to wake up and
go to work. So I think I burn out easily
because it's hard for me to separate me performing a
story from me telling my story.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Yeah, I'm not performing, and I don't know you very well,
but I will say that it doesn't sound like you're
burning out easily. It sounds really okay. Maybe my standards
for myself are very high. Well they are, ye, right,
because that, you know, burning out easily, there's some it
sounds like there's some judgment in that. And I think
it's perfectly understandable that if you're doing the things you're doing,
(29:35):
and you're exerting and exuding that kind of personal energy
on stage and then everything that happens afterwards, where folks
are lining up, you know, and doing that, I mean,
it's perfectly understandable that you would be feeling burnt out.
You didn't ask me. This is totally unsolicited.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
I feel No, I feel much better hearing that, especially
because it doesn't give me time to absorb and enjoy
kind of the fruits of my labor. I just won
Best Storytelling at the New York City French Festival, and
I wasn't even thank you graduations. I wasn't even there
to accept the award because I went home.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
You were doing something else.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
No, I was tired. I just went home. So my
show was my last show of the festival. Was that
Saturday night. I caught an early train back home to
DC and I was I slept until Monday.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
And I got an Instagram message from another storyteller saying,
you just won this big award and no one's here
to clean.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
I said, there's an award ceremony.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
Yeah, And that was This is fairly recently in the
last few weeks that I started to realize, like, I
need to figure out a way to balance my life, because.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
That's a that's a great moment.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
I could have been on stage, I could have It
took me until telling.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
Other people, yeah, I won this award and they were like,
wait what.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
I was like, yeah, yeah, I won this award. I
would like to slow down a little bit, but I
don't know how.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
I don't know how. Yeah, I don't know. As the
founder of Shaping Freedom, I'm going to share something with
you that I think what can be helpful. And I'm
(31:22):
smiling because I've been through this myself. Right, I am,
I go. I do a lot of different things. I
love that feeling of challenging myself to do new things
and what I found in the past is that I
would go through these cycles of like up up, up,
up up, and then I'm crashed for the weekend, and
(31:46):
then I get just enough rest to get me back
on my feet and I do the same thing. And
I was on that cycle for a really long time.
And what I discovered over time and recognized is that
I needed to accept my lifestyle. Oh right, because I
(32:09):
was still mentally seeing my life three lifestyles ago. And
then once I decided, once I decided that, or once
I recognized that, oh wait a minute, my life is different. Yeah,
my life is different. So let me take a step back, like,
(32:30):
what does this version of my life need from me
in order for me to not feel like I'm constantly
in this pendulum swing of high and then crashing out
in cocooning and laying on the couch all weekend or
sleeping or whatever. And it really for me came down
to accepting my lifestyle wow, and interjecting care along the way.
(32:58):
Because one of the things, and again I know this
is completely unsolicited, you are a storyteller. You're a storyteller.
You are a pioneer. What I view of you is,
you're a pioneer. You understand the importance of oral history,
and you're telling it and that's a legacy building activity
(33:21):
and you want to be able to do it over time,
and you want to get the same joy and fun
out of it. So maybe there's some integration between fun
and work. I need to figure that out and finding
some harmony in it. But really looking at your life,
and I'm saying that only because you said burnout easily.
(33:42):
You're not burning out easily. You're burning out because you're
burning out because you're doing the thing you know. You're
working hard to burn out, right, And so it's like,
what can you do to be able to make it
more sustainable for yourself.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
That's really profound for me because I go, go, go,
and I don't slow down. I see that, and another
storyteller friend, he said, I think you're feeling the tension
between your storytelling is going up, up up. You're booking
all these things, you're winning all these awards, but you
still have a job and a home and pets and
(34:20):
family and friends. And if I'm focusing on storytelling, the
job is maybe struggling. If I'm focusing on the job,
maybe I'm not booking any storytelling gigs. And he said
something like, at some point, you're going to have to
decide what your life is. Yea, And that's what it
sounds like. That's what I'm hearing from you. And that's
a scary challenge for me because I.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Should just tell a story about it.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
And I've been going, I've been going, like a story
that I'm working on our show. I'm working on as
call lessons in spite because every accomplishment of my life
has been because I was trying to make someone mad.
I looked back and I tell you every single thing
I've done, whether it was going to business school, whether
it was writing the show This is Normal? It was
(35:06):
too because I was like, oh, I'll show you. But
when the show was over the first time I did
a run of is this normal, Everyone's like, what's next?
Speaker 2 (35:16):
What sucks? And I was like nothing, I did it.
Speaker 1 (35:18):
I did the thing, and they were like, well you
you kind of like should keep going right, And it's like, oh,
I guess I could. That's just another version of me
not driving my own life.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Yeah, was it?
Speaker 1 (35:33):
Would I have ever written a one woman's show if
I wasn't pissed at somebody, you know, I don't know,
I don't know that I would have had the kind
of drive the motivation to do it. And it's hard
for me sometimes to motivate myself, to remember myself in
the story and to slow down and say, Okay, maybe
you should hire a producer or pr because I'm the
(35:56):
one writing and pitching myself and doing all of this,
and maybe I need help.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
I think that's kind of That's what's coming up for
me in the after this New York Fringe Festival. I
just remember my show premiered in New York in January
and my dog passed away two days before, and I said,
if he passes away, if he doesn't pass away this week,
I'm not doing the show.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
I can't.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
I said, I'm sorry, I have to be here because
when his brother passed away, I was leaving.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Two days later as well, and I said, if.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
He doesn't he's sick. If he doesn't pass away, I'm
not going. And I think they knew I needed to
be released, but I didn't have time to grieve either
of them. I had shows to do. And when I'm
alone at home is when I finally.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
I'm like, my dog died.
Speaker 1 (36:50):
You know, I'm not giving myself the grace that I
think I should the space and the grace, and I
forget about myself as a character of the story. So
it also think about myself sometimes as a character in
the story because I'm the main character. I'm not the
funny fat friend, which I am that person, but that
(37:12):
person is the main character. And I had never envisioned
myself as the main character. And I'm struggling.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
Now you are the main character. You are creating this
incredible platform for yourself. Thank you, and you're being validated
along the way for you for who you are. And
when our lives start to evolve into something different, we
(37:46):
have to evolve right alongside it. And we also have
to evolve again our lifestyle. There's an evolution to your
lifestyle and the way that you're approaching your life on
a day to day basis that could probably use some
looking at. Probably.
Speaker 1 (38:05):
I mean I was thinking when Phil said, are you
staying for the show tonight? I was like, Oh, I
guess I could. I was just going to go home.
It's a two hour job. It's going to turn around
and go back home because I have things to do. Yeah,
but this is the slow life. This is the thing
I'm building is me it's the evolution of myself. And
(38:27):
I really liked that you used the word that that
was two lifestyles ago. I used to joke to people,
Oh that was like ten lives ago, you know, because
a neighbor would say.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
Yeah, that house on the corner and I say, oh, yeah,
I owned that house and she's how old are you?
Was like ten life times ago, you know.
Speaker 1 (38:46):
And I've been thinking of this version of me, this
version of me, this version of me, but it's me
throughout the whole story, and I keep forgetting that. I'm
really inspired by this conversation to really challenge myself to
remember myself.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
Please. I have to please, I have to please. You're
up to huge things and please, so how can we
support you? Wow?
Speaker 1 (39:18):
My show Is This Normal is doing a second run
at the Edinburgh Fine Festival this summer.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Okay, congratulations, thank.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
You, after a four star debut last summer. And I'm
really just wanting to immerse myself in this space a
little bit more and with more purpose. Every opportunity I've
had has been something I've either stumbled upon or like,
oh this looks interesting.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
But I'm so inspired by everyone or around me.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
They're all celebrities to me and I just want to
build more community.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
And so how you can help me, I don't know.
I don't know. I don't That's okay, I'm going to
say something. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Or
you just offered help and.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
I have no idea how to how to tell you
to help me because I'm.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Thinking, no, I have that, I got that. I don't
need that. So let me ask you this, are you
first generation? I am well. I was born in the
first generation born in the US. My parents are Nigerian. Yeah,
I first generation born in the US. My father was Haitian.
And learning how to ask for help was when it
has been one of my biggest challenges in life. But
(40:32):
I've gotten there because there's no way that you can
there's a cap on what you can do by yourself.
I want to thank you so much. I could actually
sit here and chat with you for hours.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
I'm sure I could talk to you for hours as well,
because I'm healing in real time right.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
Now, for hours. But I know that we have to
clear this so then folks can get ready for the
story fest tonight, the Baltimore story Fest tonight, where you
will be speaking tomorrow I will I'll be performing Is
This Normal, my one woman's storytelling show about my dating life.
Speaker 1 (41:13):
It's a journey to self acceptance and it starts off
when I'm nine years old and goes through today, and
so I'll be performing that tomorrow evening here at the
Baltimore story Fest at eight pm. And yeah, any recommendations
for learning how to ask for help? I think that's
(41:34):
the help I need right now.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
Okay, I will send you a Shaping Freedom link or
for any lessons. Plenty of lessons around that. But thank you.
Thank you so much for your time. I know that,
I know you traveled a way to get here, so
I'm absolutely grateful for that and appreciative. And thank you
so much for bringing yourself into this conversation and for
sharing so vulnerably, both on the stage as you always
(41:59):
do and here chatting with me. I look forward to
us continuing to chat and to get to know each other.
And thank you for joining me, Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (42:09):
I'm so honored to be here, and this was amazing
for me as a performer and as a person, So
thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
Excellent, excellent,
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.