October 22, 2025 • 63 mins
Grief doesn’t keep a tidy calendar. After months of waiting, closed doors, and a family pulled in different directions, we finally laid a mother to rest beside her dad and felt the first real breath of relief. The next morning, we did something brand new together: we walked into church as a family, not for ceremony or obligation, but for hope. What unfolded was honest and unscripted—tears in the first song, our toddler dancing through worship, and a message that hit like a key turning in a lock.
We talk openly about addiction, suicide, and the strange ways grief lingers—like driving the old routes, searching faces you know you won’t find. Then we share how a TikTok live, a warm voice, and a simple prayer sparked a commitment to read the Bible in a year and pursue baptism. Faith wasn’t a dramatic conversion moment so much as a series of small, brave yeses: ordering tabs for a new Bible, choosing a church with a strong children’s program, and realizing that godparents should be a calling, not just a title.
Inside the service, one image reframed everything: empty the cup. You can’t mix coffee, wine, vinegar, and salt water and expect something good. In the same way, you can’t fill a crowded heart with peace. We explore what it means to pour out distraction, fear, and resentment so there’s room for healing, presence, and purpose. We also wrestle with feeling “behind” in faith and offer a gentler goal—know a little more about Jesus today than yesterday. That simple benchmark turns intimidation into momentum.
If you’re navigating loss, craving a restart, or trying to raise a family with intention, this conversation offers practical hope, clear language, and a reminder that closure and renewal can live side by side. Listen, share with someone who needs it, and if this resonated, follow the show, leave a review, and tell us one small habit that’s helping you heal.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
On this week's episode of Share Other Struggle
Podcast, Ali Steeks Closure, andtogether we embrace faith as we
do something for the very firsttime as a family.
Let me tell you something.
Everybody struggles.
The difference is some peoplechoose to go through it and some
choose to grow through it.
(00:23):
The choice is completely yours.
Which one you choose will have avery profound effect on the way
you live your life.
Find the strength and thestruggle.
And this podcast is forrelationship that is comfortable
(00:44):
with uncomfortableconversations.
Uncomfortable conversations.
(01:24):
What it do?
What it ha did it do?
Glord almighty.
Am I so excited to be back withyou?
Oh, it is true.
It is damn true.
Episode 276, and I am back withyour weekly fix.
I say weekly because y'all knowwe do this every damn week.
(01:45):
276 consecutive weeks.
Share the struggle podcast.
Don't forget to find all thingspodcast related at www.share the
struggle podcast.com.
Also available on all majorplatforms.
Thank you to all our newlisteners and our day one loyal
listeners.
Get your ones up.
(02:06):
We acknowledge you.
And we love you.
And I say we because I'd bejoined by somebody today.
SPEAKER_03 (02:15):
That's me.
Our baby loves to put her onesup.
SPEAKER_00 (02:18):
She does.
Our little one loves to put herones up.
Absolutely loves it.
SPEAKER_02 (02:24):
She is a day one.
SPEAKER_00 (02:26):
Faux show.
SPEAKER_02 (02:27):
Of her life.
SPEAKER_00 (02:28):
Right.
Yeah, exactly.
So we needed to do this episodetogether because uh we did
something together, and I wantto discuss that.
But more importantly, this iskind of a um a finale of
something that you've been uhgoing through, growing through,
(02:51):
having to deal with, um, havingto, you know, handle and process
some unfortunate things thathappened.
It's kind of the hopefully theclosure portion of that.
As I said in the beginning ofthe podcast, this week you are
seeking closure and we areembracing faith.
And um I just think it was agreat time for you to come on
(03:13):
here and really just hopefullybe able to close that chapter
out with our listeners.
There's something that you'vebeen sharing over the past few
months, and uh, just wanted togive you the time and
opportunity to talk about talkabout that.
SPEAKER_02 (03:31):
Yeah, we um finally put together we I was invited, I
should say, to the closure oflaying my mom to rest.
Um, if you're new here, um mymom uh took her own life uh back
(03:57):
in April.
Um she was battling addictionand unfortunately the demons in
her closet won.
Um it has been a little bit of along, drawn-out process based on
the circumstances um of what shedid and uh investigation on
(04:18):
that, along with trying to comeup with the funds, um because
this was very unexpected um formy brother and I.
And so with that being said, uhit's now October and um the
plans were um set in place by mybrother uh to make sure that she
(04:43):
laid to rest where she wanted tobe more than she wanted to be
here on earth, and that was withher dad.
Um, so we took the opportunityto uh join family and friends.
Um and on Saturday we laid herwith her dad.
(05:04):
And it was a very small umgathering, but it was people
that actually mattered uh thatwere there, and everyone reached
out and tried to help my mom insome way, shape, or form.
And um it was it was a lot ofclosure for all of us.
(05:25):
Uh we all took the time to kindof said something nice um or
said our piece, whatever we hadto say, um, surrounding her
ashes.
Uh and then we all kind of wentour separate ways and some of us
joined up for for lunch after.
But um this has been a long,drawn-out process, and I know
(05:50):
that I've said that a coupletimes already, but it has been.
Um more times than I can count.
I constantly just said I justwant it to be over.
I just want it to be ever olderso that I can close this chapter
and start my healing journey.
Um, because this has not uh beenable to I haven't been able to
(06:17):
heal, to be honest.
Um I constantly find myselfgoing downtown, still looking
for her.
Um, if I see, you know, a bunchof homeless people or or you
know, where I normally would seeher kind of um hanging out.
Um so I prayed that by going tothis ceremony gathering, um, it
(06:44):
would give me the closure tokind of uh let go and and move
on.
Um and I don't want to like letgo of like my mom.
That's not what I'm saying, andI don't want that to be taken
that way.
I just want to let go of uh herdeath and anything um toxic that
I'm still holding on to based onthose circumstances.
(07:06):
She's my mom, and obviously,like I, you know, will hold that
in my heart.
We didn't have the bestrelationship, but you know, she
was my mom, and that's how Iwant to remember her.
I want to remember her on, youknow, the good times that we
shared.
Unfortunately for me, therethere wasn't as many good times
(07:28):
as there was bad, but I stillwant to hold those close to me.
Um, and I think that um afterSaturday I felt a quite large
breath of fresh air.
Um a huge weight has been liftedoff of my shoulders.
(07:49):
Um, I don't necessarily feelbogged down anymore because
there was just a little bit ofsomething lingering that was
just kind of holding me down andum not allowing me to get out of
my own way, I guess you couldsay.
SPEAKER_00 (08:11):
I think it's tough when when you lose somebody no
matter what the circumstance is,and you go through that
prescribed grieving time, right?
Where the shock of thesituation, a family gets
together, and then traditionallyfamily kind of huddles together
(08:35):
and they're there for eachother, and they work through
three things together, and thenyou plan the service, and you
have those those times wherelike everybody's together and
you're all trying to um you knowjust offer strength and support
and healing for each other.
And if anybody's ever beenthrough this, you know that one
(08:58):
of the most difficult days comeswhen you have the service and
then you get that behind you,like the reality of it being
over and then the closure that'sthere.
Like, that's the prescribedgrieving that comes from like
modern civilization and howthings typically work, right?
(09:20):
Oftentimes you can have adisturbance in that where maybe
it's the winter time andsomebody wants to be buried, and
um you know, so you might go allwinter without having those
things.
It was different circumstancesfor you, but that
pre-prescribed, predeterminedlike time of grieving, which
(09:41):
everybody grieves differently.
And I'm not saying you're evergonna get over it in a week, but
I'm just saying traditionally,that's what we're used to,
right?
Used to family all gettingtogether for you.
This was a time that didn'tunite a family, it in fact
divided a family.
It wasn't a time that broughtanybody really together.
There wasn't a lot of umpositive support, and and um
(10:04):
there was no like, hey, I'm herefor you, let's heal together
scenario.
And then you have to then put onthe fact that now we're talking
months without any answers,months without you know, when is
this gonna happen?
How's this gonna happen?
What's gonna happen, all thosethings.
So, because of that, a lot hasbeen left open for you.
(10:26):
Where I think that maybe yourheart or your mind starts to
wander, wondering, like like yousaid, I'm downtown and I'm
looking I'm looking for her, youknow, I'm thinking about all
these things.
So I think that you reallyneeded that closure um to
happen, you know.
If anybody wants to know moreabout your journey uh through
(10:46):
all of this, because I think thebiggest thing about all of this
is the fact that you've beenstrong and brave and courageous
enough to share your story inhopes that it helps somebody and
um maybe either helps somebodythat is addicted or helps family
and friends get through thebattle of having a loved one
(11:07):
that's addicted.
But the episodes in which youhad these discussions, um
episode 250, Loving an Addict, ADaughter's Journey to Healing,
Episode 251, Breaking Free, AJourney Through Shamanic Reiki,
and Episode 252, FindingFreedom, A Daughter's Final
Conversation.
I think all of those episodesreally help um people to get
(11:29):
through their own grief, youknow, maybe how to respond to
things, different alternativeways to heal.
And all those things were great,but I still think that you
needed this service, even thoughit was short, like to be
something to kind of make like auh I don't know, a symbol of
(11:50):
finality, right?
It had to be something that putan end to like your your mind
and heart always searching.
SPEAKER_02 (11:57):
Yeah, it had to be like their final destination,
not the movie, but like me goingto the to the grave side and
like seeing seeing there was ahole and that her urn was gonna
go in it is just for real andit's just it's just
(12:26):
heartbreaking because like herand I didn't have a good
relationship as much as I tried.
And I have no regrets um of allthe amount of time that I've
tried.
Um but I prayed day in and dayout that I could have a
(12:48):
mother-daughter relationship andto see her earn there and to see
her pictures, to know thatthere's never gonna be an
opportunity for me to try againfor her to get sober and do the
(13:12):
right thing, and maybe we mendour relationship, or maybe we
start from scratch.
That's not an option.
And that sucks.
Um because if you've been herelong enough, you know that this
(13:40):
isn't the first time that I'velost my mom.
Um, so this brings back a wholelot of a whole lot of memories.
Um I was raised by mygrandmother, um, and she passed
away when I was 17.
(14:00):
Um, so this is bringing up awhole lot of emotions and a
whole lot of hurt all overagain.
Um, and I think the hardestthing for me is knowing that I'm
a mom.
I'm a mom now.
(14:23):
And I never, ever want mydaughter to feel that she can
ever have a relationship withme.
And seeing those the poster ofpictures of me and my mom where
she was happy and she wasn'tthere was no addiction at our
(14:44):
wedding was just probably thelast time that I remember um her
in a good mood.
Uh and we had a good time.
And I try to remember that timeat our wedding.
Our wedding day specifically,because she certainly let her
(15:07):
hair down and had a good time.
Which is really hard.
But it's okay.
It's easier now.
(15:29):
I know that she's not hurting.
I know that she's not searchingfor food.
Um, I know that she's where sheneeds to be.
No longer No pain of any sort.
And not begging to be with herdad in heaven.
(15:50):
So um I have since the serviceuh drove around town and didn't
look for her because I knew shewas where she needed to be.
Um and she was at her restingplace.
(16:14):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:16):
I think that or we know that everybody heals
different, and we all grievedifferently, and I do feel like
healing and grieving are they'rethey're lifelong battles, you
know.
It doesn't get answeredovernight, but everybody's
different, and there's certainthings everybody needs to do and
(16:37):
experience for um that thatclosure to to come.
And I know that this um theservice, this this burial, you
needed that to happen to kind ofclose this chapter on many
things in your life, but to puta lot of things in the past and
say, you know, from this pointon, like I'm gonna do right for
(17:02):
me and my daughter and myfamily.
And there's a lot of decisionsand choices that you've made,
and this really signifies thebeginning of a lot of things for
you, yeah, and hopefully theopening of new chapters and and
a rebirth of yourselfessentially, and part of that is
(17:23):
a commitment that you've made toyourself um over the course of
the year, and I know that you'vekind of talked about this, but I
really think that this quest wasramped up for you when you
learned about the passing ofyour mother.
If you want to share um thesecond kind of portion of this
with everybody, I think that'sanother major major important
(17:47):
thing.
SPEAKER_02 (17:50):
So, following the information that I had heard
about my mom's passing, um it'slike you said, shock.
Like you don't know what you'resupposed to be doing, what's the
right answer?
Do I answer my phone?
Do I not?
That sort of thing.
(18:10):
Um so at one point directlyafter after the news, I had
found myself doom scrolling umon TikTok trying to just clear
my mind, and I had actually comeacross a TikTok live.
(18:30):
Um, the lady's name is Michelle,and we've talked about it
briefly.
Um and she was on there talkingabout um scripture and
devotionals, and was readingfrom the Bible, they were
reading a specific uh chapter,and she was going over that.
(18:52):
And I for whatever reason I wasscrolling, like I said, and it
had stopped me dead in mytracks.
And Michelle's warm voice on theTikTok was really just what I
needed.
It was like a motherly,nurturing voice that I needed to
(19:13):
soothe my heart at the moment.
Um, and she had mentioned duringher live that if anyone was
willing to give their life toGod, that she would pray with
(19:33):
them and she would recite thesavior's prayer.
And at that time I didn't knowwhat that meant.
Um, but if but she said, ifyou're ready, write I'm ready in
the comments.
I had just found out that my momhad taken her own life hours
(19:56):
before this.
My mind is not right.
I am doom scrolling on TikToktrying to keep my mind right.
And it was like word vomit.
My hands typed, I'm ready.
I don't know what I'm ready for.
But apparently I was ready.
(20:19):
And at that moment, I went aheadand recited the Savior's prayer
with Michelle, and at that timeshe explained, you know, it when
you're ready, we'll go throughthis, and this is your time to
(20:41):
give it to God.
Anything that you're uncertainof, now's the chance.
Give it to God, and that rightthere is where I was at.
I was in the moment that I wasso uncertain of what to do next
and where to go that I was inthe moment of give it to God
(21:05):
because I don't know.
And following that prayer,Michelle and I had kind of a
conversation back and forth umin the comment section, and she
asked me if I had a Bible, anduh I said no, I didn't.
She sent me one, and from thatmoment I received the Bible, I
(21:30):
got tabs for it, I got a bindercover.
Um, and I made the commitment tomyself that I was gonna read the
Bible in a year.
Uh, my friend, um, a friend ofours, um, Shannon, she shared
with me an app that you candownload on your phone and you
(21:52):
can pick the Bible that you wantto read, and they go through um
a chapter a day.
Um, and I have decided that onceI've finished that Bible in a
year, I want to become baptized.
Um and I think that this is myway of making a commitment to
(22:16):
changing my life and leaningmore towards my faith.
And honestly, I I can't thankMichelle enough for having that
live.
I've actually taken the time,and she's asked me to share my
testimony on her live, and I didthat probably um about a month
(22:37):
ago at this point.
And it's just so amazing.
She had no idea that her livewould have changed me, um, or at
least uh pointed me towards Godin more ways.
Would I have gotten there?
(22:57):
I'm sure of it.
But it was her live thatactually was like, you're you're
ready, do this.
And so I've been reading myBible.
Um I I'm not gonna lie, I listento my Bible.
I can't read.
I mean, I can read, but I don'tknow what I'm reading, I can't
retain what I'm reading.
(23:19):
So I'm I'm holding strong onthis, and uh following the
service, I said to you that Iwant to go to church.
I had done some research on acouple of local churches, um
(23:39):
church shopping, I guess youcould say.
SPEAKER_00 (23:44):
I think um it's a great time here to say that you
know, both of us over the pastcouple years.
Well, I guess just to say likeover the past couple years, I've
always talked about trying tolean into my faith more, and I
try to make the commitment toreading the Bible, and I always
end up losing my way, and everyyear I start the new year off
(24:05):
with trying to um make thecommitment to myself to lean
into it more, and then by themiddle of the year I'm right off
track again, you know.
And um, it's time for me to takethat serious in my life as well.
And um you being on this journeyhas been a motivator to me
(24:26):
because I felt like for thelongest time I was the only one
on that journey, and um, I thinkit's just anything in life is
easier with support, and um Ihave been curious about finding
a church and finding the rightone as well, as you say, church
(24:48):
shopping, because you want tofit, right?
You just you want to fit, youwant to feel comfortable, and
you also want to be inspired andand motivated.
And there's I just think back towhen I was a little kid in
certain like church situationswhere you're like I don't know,
I don't even know the right wayto explain it, but maybe getting
(25:09):
lost and confused and notknowing what was going on, and I
need somebody to break thingsdown and relate to them um in
today's life and time so I canunderstand it, you know.
And um I've never I've been Iwas baptized and I've been to
church, but traditionally I onlygo to church for weddings and
(25:30):
funerals, right?
And um I've always talked aboutjoining a church, or at least I
shouldn't say always over thepast couple years, but I've also
been slightly afraid to do so aswell, you know.
Um and it can be intimidating,and I think that religion itself
(25:51):
can be intimidating for so manyfolks because you know there's
all these things like what do Ido?
Like what's what's asked of me,you know.
Um everything just seems to haveso much tradition, and you know,
it's you build this thing up inyour in your mind of like kind
of being overwhelmed.
(26:12):
And um, so when we first startedtalking about this, um
originally started because wemet um Father Neto and we wanted
to be able to go to some of hisservices, yeah, but it's just
turned into a whole differentjourney that we've been on.
And um when you came to me andsaid I want to go to church on
(26:34):
Sunday, I was I don't think Ioriginally even gave a thought.
I said, Yeah, I'm in.
And then after I kind of gave ita lot of thought and said, like,
now's the time.
Now's the time.
And for me, I had to really calltruths with myself and say,
you've been proclaiming yourfaith for years, but in reality,
(26:59):
you're not committing to it atthe level in which you should.
And um, you know, you can feelhypocritical in in doing that.
So I said, call yourself to thecarpet, the time is now.
And when I look at myself and Ithink about some of the episodes
and conversations we've had overthe past couple of months, and
(27:20):
really leaning into our faith,and and you think about Charlie
Kirk and the movement that'shappened with Charlie Kirk, the
revival in this country, and howmany people started going to
church because of that.
And last week we talked about atribute and honoring honoring
the man and the family and thelegacy and the things that he's
(27:42):
done.
I also felt there couldn't be abetter tribute or way for me to
honor somebody that I feel likehas had a positive impact on on
my life than by bucking up andgoing to church as well, right?
So I thought for me that wasalso a good way and a great time
for me to honor him and myself.
And then I really put morethought into it and said, if I
(28:05):
am a loving, supporting husband,then this is absolutely the time
to go because you're on thisjourney and I can't let you go
on that alone.
And the service that happenedfor your mother, I was home with
our daughter during that time.
We didn't think it was a time ora place for Paisley.
Right.
And um, this is something thatyou wanted to handle, and um, I
(28:30):
respected your wishes, and and Ialso had the assumption that the
spiritual guidance, the faiththat you needed wasn't gonna
come from that service at agraveside.
It was gonna come from a full-onchurch service.
(28:50):
And that's how I knew we had togo on Sunday.
Like this had to be you'reyou're creating closure on on
Saturday, but you're you'recreating opportunity and you're
rewriting you on Sunday.
And um, I know you said thatlike the actual service that you
(29:11):
guys had on Saturday was therewas no there was no preacher
there, there was no no church uhprayer there, it was just you
know friends and family.
And um, so I think it wascompletely fitting that the next
day we decided to to go tochurch.
So I will emphasize the factthis is the first time in my
(29:34):
adult life that I walked into achurch when it wasn't a wedding
or a funeral.
It's also the first time as afamily that we went to church,
and when I say family, it wasyou, me, and our daughter that
went to church.
SPEAKER_02 (29:50):
Yep, we brought Miss Paisley and she had the
opportunity to go to her littleBible study, and it was awesome.
They were very welcoming and Andyou know, from the moment that
we walked into the church, theywere uh super warm.
There was a little old lady, Ithink her name was Sharon.
(30:11):
Maybe Sandra, something likethat, at the desk.
She had a little name badge onand massive church, by the way.
Massive church.
Yeah.
If you're from the area.
SPEAKER_00 (30:21):
What do they took over?
Like a Bob's furniture orsomething.
They took over a massivefurniture outlet and turned it
into a church.
So when you go in, there's a youknow, big entryway, greeting
counter, like you're walkinginto a hotel room, you know,
like a hotel lobby, I shouldsay.
Turf.
Uh Astro Turf field in themiddle.
(30:41):
There's play yard for the kids.
Um looks like a cafeteria,coffee shop scenario to the
right of you.
To the left is a two-level storyto the auditorium that seats
1,400 people for a service.
And then there's also like aplay zone for kids with like I
mean, we're talking fall-onjungle gym chucky cheese stuff.
(31:02):
Literally.
And you go over and check inyour child there, and then you
go through this um securitygate, and it turns into uh a
school.
SPEAKER_02 (31:12):
Beautiful schoolhouse.
Yeah, like literally the wallsare painted like a old town.
SPEAKER_00 (31:18):
And it's literally like third grade, second grade,
they get all lined all the wayup.
And um, you know, we broughtMiss Paisley in there, and um
the lady that that you knowreceived us was super, super
warm and welcoming.
SPEAKER_02 (31:31):
And little Southern grandma.
SPEAKER_00 (31:33):
I mean, she did Little Mima.
Yeah, she did great for 40, 45minutes.
SPEAKER_02 (31:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (31:39):
When we went to the city.
SPEAKER_02 (31:40):
And then I got a text message and it said, Miss
Paisley's having a hard time.
If you wouldn't mind comegrabbing her, and I said,
Absolutely.
And when I went down to receiveher, she uh literally was just
like, please, please bring herback.
She did so wonderful.
And I was like, Well, this isthe first time.
And so she was so nice and sokind um with Miss Paisley.
(32:02):
And when I walked over there,she was sitting on her lap and
um she was crying, but you know,I was so proud of her for doing
40 minutes in a new environment.
Like she's usually with us andnot away from us.
So to get 40 minutes out of her,that was great.
That was great.
SPEAKER_00 (32:20):
It was um this was a different type of church
service, especially for ourfirst service, because I don't
really know what they call this,but this was more of a musical
service.
I guess they do this a coupletimes a year, and it was
incredible.
Um, I've never heard Christianmusic like this live.
It was incredible.
When you go in, we went to thetop deck to kind of blend in a
(32:43):
little bit, and um there's awhole band set up, and they took
turns.
Um, they like had differentsingers for different songs, and
it was incredible, and thelyrics were on the wall, so you
can you can sing along and thechurch is broadcast live, so you
can never miss a service if youeven can't make it to uh to
church.
They're also broadcast live atum for the main mariners
(33:06):
maritime academy, they're alsobroadcast live at the Cumberland
County Jail.
SPEAKER_02 (33:10):
It's actually called um worship, yes.
SPEAKER_00 (33:13):
It was a it was a full-on worship session.
It was um just along with mass.
Along with mass, it wasincredible.
Um but like we talked aboutblending in, and um, it's kind
of funny because when youstarted talking to these um
different churches and stuff, Iwas off at a fair and I got a
text message from um an old bossof mine, actually the owner of
(33:36):
Reynolds Motorsports, and hereached out to me and said,
Keith, did you and your familyattend church on Sunday?
And I said, actually, no, I'm ata fair, but my wife's been
calling churches, and he said,Well, your name's on a prayer
list here, so you know, I justkind of wanted to talk to you
and you wanted to welcome me tothe church and encourage us to
show up.
SPEAKER_02 (33:54):
I was actually the only church that I reached out
to.
SPEAKER_00 (33:56):
Was it?
SPEAKER_02 (33:57):
Yeah, because I wanted to know more about it.
I had looked up a few other onesum specifically that were very
similar, uh, but never actuallyreached out to get any
information except for this onein particular.
SPEAKER_00 (34:12):
When we got there and that lady said, Well, you
know, we see 1400, and I said,I'm never gonna find Scott in
this place.
And we went upstairs and I satdown and I looked to the left,
and it's like an aisle away,because I strategically try to
find aisles when I'm in placeslike this.
SPEAKER_03 (34:27):
And uh your exact words are yeah, let's sit here.
I can kick my leg out.
SPEAKER_00 (34:31):
Yeah.
And it's just easier to get outand move and do whatever you
have to do if you're in anaisle.
I always, given the opportunity,even before the world got crazy,
and even more so now that it iscrazy, I always consider an exit
strategy and I'm always lookingfor um an aisle situation.
And as the world gets crazy, Ithink it's more important to
(34:52):
think about those things in thesense of if something were to
ever happen somewhere, if I'm inthe middle, it's hard to do
anything, right?
Um, and I'm just being a bigguy, so I need to stretch out
and and take advantage of everyinch that there's possibly can
be found.
But I looked across the aisle,and right next to me was Scott,
and uh I went over to him, anduh I don't think I've ever seen
(35:14):
him happier to see me in mylife.
And um we I started off as oneof his employees, and I feel
like I was probably one of themost successful salespeople he's
ever had.
I definitely made him uh quite abit of money in my time there,
and then I grew up to end upbeing a business partner with
him.
Uh so he's always been a uh rolemodel type mentor to me, a
(35:37):
business mentor, and uh it wasreally fitting to have the full
circle moment of him welcomingme to church and then him being
there sitting next to me on myfirst time ever walking into
church.
But I say this also to say thatyou went down and got Paisley
and you brought her in, and umthere was no distraction,
nobody, nobody was flustered,you know what I mean?
(36:00):
Everybody was welcoming, andbecause it was a worship
service, because it was musical,she loved it.
SPEAKER_03 (36:07):
She did love it.
Yeah, brought her right back tous, like right towards the
scene.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (36:12):
And we sat there as a family taking turns, holding
her and watching the service,and um towards the end, she was
starting to have a hard timeholding on.
But um, this is like what anhour and a half service
altogether, right?
So she spent 40 minutes 15minutes, I think.
They they went long, yeah.
Um, and she um spent about 40minutes in that little Bible
(36:33):
school scenario, so then she hadanother 40 minutes or so with
us, you know.
And um, like just taking on herown little concert, you know,
and um I don't remember um whichsong or which um verses or or or
what we were into, but um therewas a time when I was just
(36:57):
holding her so close and I couldjust see her intently taking
everything in, and I just restedmy head on her and um and was
just praying with her and takingand receiving the entire message
and realizing that this is theimportance of life, and this is
this makes it all worth it, youknow.
And when we were there, it was Iwas having a hard time staying
(37:23):
focused because there was somuch going on, and we talked
about it.
It was like yeah, you're walkinginto a concert, a 1400-seat
concert for the first time, andthere's people moving around and
dancing, and there's all thesethings going on, and then you're
trying to, you know, take on anactual church service, and then
you're worried about your littlekid, your you know, your
one-year-old, and in in theschool room.
(37:43):
So there's so much going on thatum it was hard to be focused at
all times, but in that momentthere was pure clarity, and and
um that in itself made it allworth it.
And I think we were there forfive minutes when I looked over
and saw your face.
SPEAKER_02 (38:03):
And I mean, you were already bawling and you were we
were there for five minutes, andthat was like the first song,
and I was already crying becauseit was just like so cleansing.
Like I was like, this is what Ineeded, like it was I I don't
even I I don't honestly don'teven remember the song.
I just remember the message thatjust hit home.
(38:26):
Like I was like, this is what Ineeded.
Um this is the closure of onechapter and starting a new one.
And at that moment I just I saidto myself, like this is your
season and your season ofhealing and growing and being
the best mom you can be, becausethat's that's what we're here
(38:49):
for.
That's the whole uh reason we'rehere at church today is to let
go and let God and the serviceum couldn't have been planned
out any better when it comes tothe message that they were
coming across and you know theywere talking about like making
(39:11):
sure that you uh empty your cupbecause you're never gonna fill
one cup with coffee, vinegar,and wine all at the same time.
So if you don't empty your cup,you're mixing all these
different things, it becomes achemical fire.
SPEAKER_00 (39:28):
Yeah, the the main message of it was if you're here
and you're here to receive God,then you need to open yourself
up, you need to empty the cupand receive God.
And it's hard to receive God andwhen you're filling your cup
with so many other things, likethe wine of indulgence, you
(39:51):
know, and or the you know, theand they had all these examples
but like the coffee of like youryour habits, you know what I
mean?
Like the um the salt water ofyour sins, all these different
things.
But you just think about imagineputting all these things in a
cup, and the analogy is we usecups for everything, and you
have a cup addiction.
(40:11):
You have so many cups aroundhere.
SPEAKER_02 (40:12):
I do have a problem.
SPEAKER_00 (40:14):
But you have this great, amazing coffee cup, but
maybe you were drinking waterout of it.
Maybe you were you had water andthen you added uh Mio flavoring
to it.
Maybe you had some soda in it.
You're not gonna just pour yourcoffee on top of that cup and
drink it.
You need to empty it out, youneed to wash out that cup before
you put coffee in it.
And he's really made the examplethat that's us, that's us as
(40:36):
human beings on the day-to-day.
We fill our our cups, we fillourselves with these
distractions, with these sins,with these problems, with these
concerns.
When ultimately, if we want toreceive God and live a more
fulfilled life, then we justhave to empty our cups and empty
ourselves.
And I thought for me that it wasit was hitting home because I
(40:58):
feel I felt hypocritical and Ifelt that like I've always
filled my cup with distractions.
I allow myself to be distracted.
I fill my cup with concerns,with worries, with frustrations,
with doubt, with fear.
I fill my cup with all thesethings, being a small business
owner and a first-time dad, andhaving these financial
responsibilities that I've neverhad before, and the financial
(41:22):
difficulties and restraints thatI've never had before.
And I fill all these things upand you ask yourself, how can I
receive anything positive?
How can I make any positivechanges if I don't empty this
cup?
Right.
And for you, I think it was howdo you move forward and receive
God if you don't, you know, havethat closure that you had, if
you don't, you know, say goodbyeto some of these things and some
(41:44):
of these people that areclouding your judgment that are
filling your cup.
SPEAKER_02 (41:47):
Yeah.
Um if you don't let go of thethings that are no longer
serving you, how can you acceptthe things that can serve you?
SPEAKER_00 (41:55):
Yeah.
It was a great message.
I know they were also coveringthe book of John, and um, but
just the whole point of it was areal message about being willing
to receive God and to the stepsto take and and the effort that
(42:16):
needs to be made.
And uh it was like they werespeaking right directly to us,
um both on the same path butwith different roads, you know,
like we're both looking for thesame thing, um, but coming from
different stories and differentreasons, and uh it definitely
landed in the right spot, youknow.
SPEAKER_02 (42:37):
Yeah, God's timing is impeccable.
Sometimes we're anticipatingsomething to happen a little bit
sooner than um He's ready foryou to say that there was a few
weeks ago um you were actuallyat Freiburg and it was I think
(43:02):
it was Freiburg, it was theother Freiburg or winter.
I was like, woke up and I waslike, I wanna go to church.
You weren't even here.
And I was like, I'm just gonnago.
I'm gonna go by myself.
And a tune in, I'm just gonna goby myself.
Like it's gonna be fine.
Me and the baby, we're gonna dothis.
And I got up and I was like, I'mnot going.
I'm not going.
Like it was that night itsounded like a great plan.
(43:25):
But for whatever reason, theplan was not it was not my plan.
And there was a reason for that.
Because I wasn't meant to goalone.
I wasn't meant to do this bymyself without you.
And so, um, you know, and it wasthe same exact mindset for me.
(43:46):
Then as it was on Saturday whenI came home from the service and
I said, We're go I'm going tochurch.
SPEAKER_00 (43:53):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (43:54):
The look on your face was priceless.
You're like, Wait Wait, what?
unknown (43:57):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (43:58):
People that don't understand, like, you've never
shown an interest in any ofthis, right?
Like, you're the one that uhlike I'm reading up, like I
haven't done this in a while,and I'm gonna confess here.
But when I made the quest, likeI'm reading my Bible and I got
my Bible for Christmas, I wouldread a chapter at night or as
many pages as I could.
You're scrolling TikToks, you'rewatching trashy TV, you're not
(44:23):
creating a level playing fieldand platform for how you're
learning, okay?
Let's just say that.
SPEAKER_02 (44:30):
Um I think it's because before this all
happened, I constantly had themindset of church from when I
was a kid.
SPEAKER_01 (44:45):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (44:45):
And that was very no disrespect, but very stuffy.
Like you go in, you sit in thepews, they read the Bible at
you, they don't break it down,you eat your bread, drink your
wine, go out to breakfast.
SPEAKER_00 (45:01):
Okay, yeah.
And and and our interpretationof those things too, being a
little kid is also differenttoo, right?
You know, but it also createsthat image in your mind of like,
oh, this is what it's alwayslike.
And then even when you go tolike a funeral service or a
drawn-out church service for awedding, which isn't common
anymore, but you can get lost inthe luster and not really know
(45:22):
what's going on.
So exactly.
And and I always it's crazy tosay this, but you also create
this feeling of like um, I don'teven know how to how to really
put this out there and notsounding too cheesy, but like
you're walking as a walking inas an outsider into the cool
(45:44):
girls club.
You know what I'm saying?
Like when you go into church,and like I always felt like what
what when am I supposed to oneknee, two knees, up, down?
That's what you asked me.
You know what I mean?
Like, when when do I do this?
When do I do that?
And um, some of that wasintimidating for me because like
I remember as a kid, like thisis now you do this, now you do
that, now you do this.
I don't know that prayer, butyou're expecting me to say it.
(46:06):
Like, and it's so much moremodernized, is the way we're
going to church, where there'sit's it's on the wall, you can
say the prayer with them, likeyou can, you know, and it's it's
a whole different thing.
And and one of the great thingsabout um finding a church, and
one of the great things aboutthe Bible for me that I always
(46:27):
went to is it also reallyconnects with one of my favorite
things in life, which iscoaching and leadership, and and
I love great speeches and I lovemotivation, and I love great
leaders, and like the greatestleader is Jesus Christ, right?
(46:48):
So, like this it learning all ofthose things, it's just it
really um plays on the thingsthat I enjoy in life.
And um, I love a goodmotivational speech.
And when you find pastors thatare motivated and they're
passionate and they know how toconvey the message and being a
(47:08):
part of that, like it'sexciting, it's and it's
invigorating, right?
Like we left there feelingrejuvenated.
SPEAKER_02 (47:13):
And the night before, like you're like, all
right, so we're going to church,but like, where are we going?
Like, what are we doing?
And I was like, well, let meshow you, because both churches
that um I was interested in umdid an online service so you
could watch last week's, and Ishowed you one um and then I
showed you the other one, and wefelt more connected to this one.
(47:37):
Um, and we watched a few oftheir um services just to kind
of get a vibe on um, you know,what it's like.
Um and I think we ended upwatching all the way to so they
had three different pastors,yeah.
Um, and then we got to one andwe both were like locked in.
(47:58):
We're like, okay, who is thisguy?
Like, what is this guy allabout?
Is he there often?
And he ended up being like, Ithink they called him like the
leader.
I'm not sure.
I didn't really read the title.
I think is what the title said.
Um, so he's like head honcho,like he does most of them.
So it was really awesome that weactually walked in to worship
(48:19):
and we didn't see him at first,and then he walked out.
Um, so we're like, oh, sweet,yes, okay, because we really
enjoyed his presence, like juston the the live stream, because
you can watch it live stream aswell, like you said.
Um and I remember you're like,Oh, look, there's the guy,
that's the guy you like, and Iwas like, Yes, perfect.
(48:40):
Like I almost already felt likea connection.
Like, I was like, perfect,supposed to be here.
This is it.
SPEAKER_00 (48:46):
It's like there's certain um like church services
that I would watch on YouTubewhen I was in my office, and um
like uh I would put a mass onfrom these different churches,
and it felt to me like it was acombination of a church and a
motivational speaker, you know,and uh like a life coach and a
(49:12):
pastor all at the same time.
And I thought, and with somemusic in there too, because I do
like music, but I just don'tneed it to be all music.
Yeah, there was a lot of music,and when I saw that, I was like,
man, if there was church likethis in my my home state, I'd
I'd go because I didn't evenknow that we had this, you know.
And I think we're gonna figureyour research and the things
(49:33):
that you've come up with, andit's like, well, this makes
sense.
And there's probably peoplelistening that are gonna say,
like, that's not a real church,you know what I mean?
Like it's gonna be people thatsay that you know we're happy
for you and this and that, butyou should be in a traditional
church.
I don't I don't know, I don'tknow the difference, really.
SPEAKER_02 (49:51):
You know, I just know that we're finding what's
comfortable and where we fit in,and um and it's not just about
us feeling comfortable and fitin, like it's very important,
like when I'm doing my research,that they had a very good
children's program.
Um, because if we're doing this,we're doing this as a family.
And so to be honest, Paisley hadno problems with us dropping her
(50:16):
off.
Like, it was such a breath offresh air that I like handed her
over and she kind of like lookedand like whimpered a little bit,
but then was like totallycontent.
And we walked away and went toservice.
And then 40 minutes later I got,you know, one of the things that
was very important for me tomake this journey and to start
(50:42):
this journey is we havegodparents picked out for
Paisley and they are very activein her life, and I want to make
sure, God forbid, somethinghappens to us that it is on
paper.
And here in our state, it's notthat way unless she's actually
(51:03):
baptized.
So, with that being said, I onlyfelt that it was right for me to
get baptized with her.
You've already been baptized,I've never been baptized, I've
been to the church, I've doneall the things.
Never once have I physicallybeen baptized.
Sure, it was probably thrown uhholy water at me because I was a
(51:23):
terrible child, but never was Iactually baptized.
So I said, listen, this is gonnabe my opportunity to do what's
right.
And I looked into it to see likeif we can make Lance and Jen her
godparents without actuallygetting baptized, and in our
state it's not a thing.
(51:44):
It's you know, being baptizedhere in the state of Maine is
actually like a bindingdocument.
Um, and so for for hergodparents to be here to sign
the paper, it's legal and it'syou know, if something is to
happen they have the rights toher.
And for me, I feel like that'sappropriate to set her up for
(52:07):
success in case of an emergency.
SPEAKER_00 (52:13):
Yeah, I I think just not even the thought process of
the emergency scenario, likewe're not even thinking about
any of that.
SPEAKER_02 (52:26):
That's just my anxiety.
SPEAKER_00 (52:28):
I understand.
But it's the the symbolism, thereality of this is our gift and
tribute and honor to her God.
Absolutely, right?
Absolutely.
So you just mentioned that withyour mother there was like the
like it became final and therewas closure that was there.
(52:51):
Until these these you know thesethings are done, like the
baptism and the embracing offaith, until those things are
done, then the meaning ofgodparents could be irrelevant
because in theory, if you don'tbelieve in God, if you're not
committed to God, then how doesit make sense for you to name
(53:12):
somebody godparents, right?
And um people toss that aroundall the time, right?
And I want it to mean more forLance and Jen because they she
means more to them.
Absolutely, you know, it's morethan just a name and it's not
just a title.
So I think the seriousness andthe appreciation makes it all
(53:39):
worth the accountability ofmaking it real, if that makes
sense to me.
Oh, what I mean.
You know what I mean?
Um we didn't ask them this justto throw a name around.
We asked them because we loveand value them and we know that
she will too.
SPEAKER_02 (53:55):
Absolutely.
So she loves she loves herlands.
SPEAKER_00 (53:59):
She loves gent.
SPEAKER_03 (54:00):
She does love gentlemen.
SPEAKER_00 (54:01):
But my my point is is that it's it's the greatest
and largest gift that we couldgive to two people.
Absolutely, and I want to makethat as legitimized as possible
for them, right?
SPEAKER_02 (54:16):
100%.
SPEAKER_00 (54:17):
Now, when I get back to the whole church intimidation
thing, there's always beensomething in me where I don't
want to go to church and getinto a Bible measuring contest.
And what I mean by that is thisthere's a lot of people that
have lived in their Bible,there's a lot of people that
(54:40):
have grown up living in theirBible.
I don't like getting into aconversation or a discussion
where I feel threatened by howlittle I know of my own Bible.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Like, there's certain things inlife where you can get into a
conversation, be in over yourhead, and it's not a good
(55:01):
conversation, right?
Like right now we're trying tosell a tractor that me and my
dad purchased together.
I don't know enough about it.
I don't like getting intoconversations about technical
stuff on this tractor because Idon't know enough about it.
Makes me feel uncomfortable,right?
When I sold things for a living,if I didn't know what I was
selling, it made meuncomfortable.
(55:21):
When it comes to spirituality,when it comes to your faith, not
knowing enough about it, I wouldshy away from conversations
because I always felt like, ah,the true professional is going
to sniff me out.
The true Bible reader is gonnaknow that I've only perused
pages.
You know what I mean?
And I never want to get into afaith argument with somebody,
(55:41):
and I've always been threatenedby that to the point of like you
create this false wall of wow,you're just you're just starting
to do this now and you're 40.
Like, what have you what's wrongwith you?
You know what I mean?
And um those things have alwayskind of made me nervous, and
it's kind of made meapprehensive about joining the
church.
But there's something that umthat I heard either at the
(56:05):
service on Sunday or in some oftheir videos as we were uh
preparing to go to our firstchurch service when they I made
a comment that went somethingroughly along the lines of this
when someone's asking you aboutyour faith and how much you
might know about the Bible orall these things, like wherever
(56:27):
they however they said it, thecomment that was made is all I
want from you is that today youknow a little bit more about
Jesus than you did yesterday.
All I want from you is thewillingness to want to know a
little bit more about Jesustoday than yesterday.
(56:48):
All that matters to me is thatyou feel closer to him today
than you did yesterday.
SPEAKER_01 (56:54):
That's good.
SPEAKER_00 (56:55):
Hearing that eased all my apprehension.
And it gave me something thatwhen I'm in those conversations
where I don't feel comfortableand people want to question me
about my faith, that I can say,the only important thing to me
is that I know him more todaythan yesterday.
Yeah.
And that's the end of it.
And that in itself gave me like,you gave me the armor to go to
(57:19):
church and because you don'tknow what to expect.
It's the great wide unknown,right?
And you don't want to walk inthere and have somebody started
pounding you with aquestionnaire like you get when
you bring your daughter to thedoctor's for the first time and
they're asking you all thesequestions.
Like, is there a gun in thehouse?
Does she do this?
Can you afford food?
Do you have heat?
All these questions.
When I go to church, I don'tknow what I'm gonna be asked for
(57:40):
questions, but I knew that ifyou came at me hard and fast and
the thing that I threw at you isI just want to know him more
today than yesterday.
You're gonna say, Let the manin.
SPEAKER_03 (57:48):
Hallelujah.
SPEAKER_00 (57:49):
Hallelujah.
He watched our service, let himin.
That's right.
Let him in.
So I just I felt like I'm gonnause that line and I'm gonna
continue to um use that's goodalso as a motivator.
That's powerful.
Because to be at a point in theday and say to yourself, like
you're like if you think aboutit this way, you've made the
(58:09):
commitment to uh read a chaptera day.
If you're at a point in your daywhen you have not read that
chapter and you ask yourself, AmI any closer to God today?
Do I know any more about Jesustoday than I did yesterday?
No, I'm behind.
And the answer is no, then youcan get back on it.
And um I think that if you wejust can make the the conscious
effort to just know a little bitmore and to get a little bit
(58:32):
closer each day, I think thatthat in turn will help us live
the life we want.
SPEAKER_03 (58:38):
You want to join me?
What I'm so far behind.
Well, yeah, you might evenlisten every day together.
SPEAKER_00 (58:48):
I don't I don't know if I'll listen or if I'll just
continue to read.
Um and it's one of the onlythings that I actually read.
SPEAKER_02 (58:56):
Well, I listen every day and it tells me like and it
does the countdown.
SPEAKER_00 (59:00):
Like I'm on day, like you can go in and like give
your the nice thing about theapp is that it allows you to
listen to it and then at the endof it it breaks it down in like
today's Which is all great, andI and maybe I can try to do that
too, but the difference for meis I've been reading it and I'm
just been trying to go front toback, and I feel like that's
probably the toughest thing todo.
(59:21):
But um That's what this isdoing.
Yeah, so like I'm old Testamentjust reading straight through.
SPEAKER_02 (59:26):
I haven't gotten to the New Testament yet.
Like I let you pick your Bibleand then it starts on page one
and then goes.
SPEAKER_00 (59:32):
Maybe we might even be based off of my reading from
a year ago, we're probably atthe same spot.
SPEAKER_02 (59:37):
Maybe.
But um if we do it together,then we can always talk about
the specific Well, I thoughtthat was the whole reason why
you made two study Bibles thatwe haven't opened.
I do.
So But I don't I usually listento mine like when I'm driving.
SPEAKER_00 (59:54):
But I think if we're going with a study bible, then
you can put pen to paper andstart making things happen, and
I think that might be thedifference.
Mm-hmm.
That will help with theabsorption rate a little bit
more than listening.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:02):
Yeah, you're probably right.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:04):
People that are listening to me right now, they
ain't absorbing.
Because they ain't writingnotes.
You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:08):
No, they're probably driving to work.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:10):
Probably driving to work.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:11):
And they're like, when's this guy gonna stop
talking?
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:13):
This guy's gonna be about done.
But you should be actuallybecause it's almost midnight.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:17):
Kevin's saying, Stop labbing, I need to turn off the
treadmill.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:22):
I think Kevin quit the podcast.
I think I've lost him.
SPEAKER_02 (01:00:25):
My heart is broken.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:26):
I think I've lost him.
But um it's almost midnight.
This episode needs to drop in afew hours.
So I think on that note Iprobably gotta speed this
process up here.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:37):
Really?
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:38):
It's almost twelve.
We are twelve of twelve.
Twelve of twelve.
Is it tweety bird?
You're impressed by my mathskills.
SPEAKER_02 (01:00:49):
No, I thought you were telling me it was twelve
twelve, and I was like, that'safter.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:53):
And this podcast drops at five in the morning, so
gotta get on it.
I guess that means that's it forme and you.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:02):
Well done.
Well, y'all.
That's it.
That's all.
That's the end of my road here.
You'll never hear from me againon this podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:13):
I can't make bodily harm threats to you at the end
of this episode when we aretrying to turn a new spiritual
leaf here.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:20):
In the words of Keith.
That's it, and that's all,folks.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:25):
That's all, folks.
You just literally added like acartoon to the end of that.
That's not the story goes.
These are the days of our lives,like sands through the
hourglass.
Nope, that's not it.
Thank you for supporting ourAmerican dream.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:41):
Eat your mashed potatoes and say your prayers.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:47):
That's it, and that's all, Biggie Smalls.
If you're a Loud Proud Americanand you find yourself just
(01:02:08):
wanting more, find me on YouTubeand Facebook at Loud Proud
American or the Face page, as mymama calls it.
If you're a fan of the GrahamCracker, you want to find me on
Instagram or all the kids byTickety Talkin on the TikTok.
You can find me on both of thoseat Loud underscore Proud
(01:02:29):
underscore American Big oldthank you to the boys from the
Gut Truckers for the backgroundbeats and the theme song to Mr.
Podcast.
If you are enjoying what you'rehearing, track down the gut
(01:02:50):
truckers on Facebook, Just SirGut Truckers.
Give that motherfucker a liketoo.
(01:03:15):
I truly thank you for supportingmy American dream.
Now go wash your fucking hands,you filthy savage.
On this week's episode of Share Other Struggle
Podcast, Ali Steeks Closure, andtogether we embrace faith as we
do something for the very firsttime as a family.
Let me tell you something.
Everybody struggles.
The difference is some peoplechoose to go through it and some
choose to grow through it.
(00:23):
The choice is completely yours.
Which one you choose will have avery profound effect on the way
you live your life.
Find the strength and thestruggle.
And this podcast is forrelationship that is comfortable
(00:44):
with uncomfortableconversations.
Uncomfortable conversations.
(01:24):
What it do?
What it ha did it do?
Glord almighty.
Am I so excited to be back withyou?
Oh, it is true.
It is damn true.
Episode 276, and I am back withyour weekly fix.
I say weekly because y'all knowwe do this every damn week.
(01:45):
276 consecutive weeks.
Share the struggle podcast.
Don't forget to find all thingspodcast related at www.share the
struggle podcast.com.
Also available on all majorplatforms.
Thank you to all our newlisteners and our day one loyal
listeners.
Get your ones up.
(02:06):
We acknowledge you.
And we love you.
And I say we because I'd bejoined by somebody today.
SPEAKER_03 (02:15):
That's me.
Our baby loves to put her onesup.
SPEAKER_00 (02:18):
She does.
Our little one loves to put herones up.
Absolutely loves it.
SPEAKER_02 (02:24):
She is a day one.
SPEAKER_00 (02:26):
Faux show.
SPEAKER_02 (02:27):
Of her life.
SPEAKER_00 (02:28):
Right.
Yeah, exactly.
So we needed to do this episodetogether because uh we did
something together, and I wantto discuss that.
But more importantly, this iskind of a um a finale of
something that you've been uhgoing through, growing through,
(02:51):
having to deal with, um, havingto, you know, handle and process
some unfortunate things thathappened.
It's kind of the hopefully theclosure portion of that.
As I said in the beginning ofthe podcast, this week you are
seeking closure and we areembracing faith.
And um I just think it was agreat time for you to come on
(03:13):
here and really just hopefullybe able to close that chapter
out with our listeners.
There's something that you'vebeen sharing over the past few
months, and uh, just wanted togive you the time and
opportunity to talk about talkabout that.
SPEAKER_02 (03:31):
Yeah, we um finally put together we I was invited, I
should say, to the closure oflaying my mom to rest.
Um, if you're new here, um mymom uh took her own life uh back
(03:57):
in April.
Um she was battling addictionand unfortunately the demons in
her closet won.
Um it has been a little bit of along, drawn-out process based on
the circumstances um of what shedid and uh investigation on
(04:18):
that, along with trying to comeup with the funds, um because
this was very unexpected um formy brother and I.
And so with that being said, uhit's now October and um the
plans were um set in place by mybrother uh to make sure that she
(04:43):
laid to rest where she wanted tobe more than she wanted to be
here on earth, and that was withher dad.
Um, so we took the opportunityto uh join family and friends.
Um and on Saturday we laid herwith her dad.
(05:04):
And it was a very small umgathering, but it was people
that actually mattered uh thatwere there, and everyone reached
out and tried to help my mom insome way, shape, or form.
And um it was it was a lot ofclosure for all of us.
(05:25):
Uh we all took the time to kindof said something nice um or
said our piece, whatever we hadto say, um, surrounding her
ashes.
Uh and then we all kind of wentour separate ways and some of us
joined up for for lunch after.
But um this has been a long,drawn-out process, and I know
(05:50):
that I've said that a coupletimes already, but it has been.
Um more times than I can count.
I constantly just said I justwant it to be over.
I just want it to be ever olderso that I can close this chapter
and start my healing journey.
Um, because this has not uh beenable to I haven't been able to
(06:17):
heal, to be honest.
Um I constantly find myselfgoing downtown, still looking
for her.
Um, if I see, you know, a bunchof homeless people or or you
know, where I normally would seeher kind of um hanging out.
Um so I prayed that by going tothis ceremony gathering, um, it
(06:44):
would give me the closure tokind of uh let go and and move
on.
Um and I don't want to like letgo of like my mom.
That's not what I'm saying, andI don't want that to be taken
that way.
I just want to let go of uh herdeath and anything um toxic that
I'm still holding on to based onthose circumstances.
(07:06):
She's my mom, and obviously,like I, you know, will hold that
in my heart.
We didn't have the bestrelationship, but you know, she
was my mom, and that's how Iwant to remember her.
I want to remember her on, youknow, the good times that we
shared.
Unfortunately for me, therethere wasn't as many good times
(07:28):
as there was bad, but I stillwant to hold those close to me.
Um, and I think that um afterSaturday I felt a quite large
breath of fresh air.
Um a huge weight has been liftedoff of my shoulders.
(07:49):
Um, I don't necessarily feelbogged down anymore because
there was just a little bit ofsomething lingering that was
just kind of holding me down andum not allowing me to get out of
my own way, I guess you couldsay.
SPEAKER_00 (08:11):
I think it's tough when when you lose somebody no
matter what the circumstance is,and you go through that
prescribed grieving time, right?
Where the shock of thesituation, a family gets
together, and then traditionallyfamily kind of huddles together
(08:35):
and they're there for eachother, and they work through
three things together, and thenyou plan the service, and you
have those those times wherelike everybody's together and
you're all trying to um you knowjust offer strength and support
and healing for each other.
And if anybody's ever beenthrough this, you know that one
(08:58):
of the most difficult days comeswhen you have the service and
then you get that behind you,like the reality of it being
over and then the closure that'sthere.
Like, that's the prescribedgrieving that comes from like
modern civilization and howthings typically work, right?
(09:20):
Oftentimes you can have adisturbance in that where maybe
it's the winter time andsomebody wants to be buried, and
um you know, so you might go allwinter without having those
things.
It was different circumstancesfor you, but that
pre-prescribed, predeterminedlike time of grieving, which
(09:41):
everybody grieves differently.
And I'm not saying you're evergonna get over it in a week, but
I'm just saying traditionally,that's what we're used to,
right?
Used to family all gettingtogether for you.
This was a time that didn'tunite a family, it in fact
divided a family.
It wasn't a time that broughtanybody really together.
There wasn't a lot of umpositive support, and and um
(10:04):
there was no like, hey, I'm herefor you, let's heal together
scenario.
And then you have to then put onthe fact that now we're talking
months without any answers,months without you know, when is
this gonna happen?
How's this gonna happen?
What's gonna happen, all thosethings.
So, because of that, a lot hasbeen left open for you.
(10:26):
Where I think that maybe yourheart or your mind starts to
wander, wondering, like like yousaid, I'm downtown and I'm
looking I'm looking for her, youknow, I'm thinking about all
these things.
So I think that you reallyneeded that closure um to
happen, you know.
If anybody wants to know moreabout your journey uh through
(10:46):
all of this, because I think thebiggest thing about all of this
is the fact that you've beenstrong and brave and courageous
enough to share your story inhopes that it helps somebody and
um maybe either helps somebodythat is addicted or helps family
and friends get through thebattle of having a loved one
(11:07):
that's addicted.
But the episodes in which youhad these discussions, um
episode 250, Loving an Addict, ADaughter's Journey to Healing,
Episode 251, Breaking Free, AJourney Through Shamanic Reiki,
and Episode 252, FindingFreedom, A Daughter's Final
Conversation.
I think all of those episodesreally help um people to get
(11:29):
through their own grief, youknow, maybe how to respond to
things, different alternativeways to heal.
And all those things were great,but I still think that you
needed this service, even thoughit was short, like to be
something to kind of make like auh I don't know, a symbol of
(11:50):
finality, right?
It had to be something that putan end to like your your mind
and heart always searching.
SPEAKER_02 (11:57):
Yeah, it had to be like their final destination,
not the movie, but like me goingto the to the grave side and
like seeing seeing there was ahole and that her urn was gonna
go in it is just for real andit's just it's just
(12:26):
heartbreaking because like herand I didn't have a good
relationship as much as I tried.
And I have no regrets um of allthe amount of time that I've
tried.
Um but I prayed day in and dayout that I could have a
(12:48):
mother-daughter relationship andto see her earn there and to see
her pictures, to know thatthere's never gonna be an
opportunity for me to try againfor her to get sober and do the
(13:12):
right thing, and maybe we mendour relationship, or maybe we
start from scratch.
That's not an option.
And that sucks.
Um because if you've been herelong enough, you know that this
(13:40):
isn't the first time that I'velost my mom.
Um, so this brings back a wholelot of a whole lot of memories.
Um I was raised by mygrandmother, um, and she passed
away when I was 17.
(14:00):
Um, so this is bringing up awhole lot of emotions and a
whole lot of hurt all overagain.
Um, and I think the hardestthing for me is knowing that I'm
a mom.
I'm a mom now.
(14:23):
And I never, ever want mydaughter to feel that she can
ever have a relationship withme.
And seeing those the poster ofpictures of me and my mom where
she was happy and she wasn'tthere was no addiction at our
(14:44):
wedding was just probably thelast time that I remember um her
in a good mood.
Uh and we had a good time.
And I try to remember that timeat our wedding.
Our wedding day specifically,because she certainly let her
(15:07):
hair down and had a good time.
Which is really hard.
But it's okay.
It's easier now.
(15:29):
I know that she's not hurting.
I know that she's not searchingfor food.
Um, I know that she's where sheneeds to be.
No longer No pain of any sort.
And not begging to be with herdad in heaven.
(15:50):
So um I have since the serviceuh drove around town and didn't
look for her because I knew shewas where she needed to be.
Um and she was at her restingplace.
(16:14):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:16):
I think that or we know that everybody heals
different, and we all grievedifferently, and I do feel like
healing and grieving are they'rethey're lifelong battles, you
know.
It doesn't get answeredovernight, but everybody's
different, and there's certainthings everybody needs to do and
(16:37):
experience for um that thatclosure to to come.
And I know that this um theservice, this this burial, you
needed that to happen to kind ofclose this chapter on many
things in your life, but to puta lot of things in the past and
say, you know, from this pointon, like I'm gonna do right for
(17:02):
me and my daughter and myfamily.
And there's a lot of decisionsand choices that you've made,
and this really signifies thebeginning of a lot of things for
you, yeah, and hopefully theopening of new chapters and and
a rebirth of yourselfessentially, and part of that is
(17:23):
a commitment that you've made toyourself um over the course of
the year, and I know that you'vekind of talked about this, but I
really think that this quest wasramped up for you when you
learned about the passing ofyour mother.
If you want to share um thesecond kind of portion of this
with everybody, I think that'sanother major major important
(17:47):
thing.
SPEAKER_02 (17:50):
So, following the information that I had heard
about my mom's passing, um it'slike you said, shock.
Like you don't know what you'resupposed to be doing, what's the
right answer?
Do I answer my phone?
Do I not?
That sort of thing.
(18:10):
Um so at one point directlyafter after the news, I had
found myself doom scrolling umon TikTok trying to just clear
my mind, and I had actually comeacross a TikTok live.
(18:30):
Um, the lady's name is Michelle,and we've talked about it
briefly.
Um and she was on there talkingabout um scripture and
devotionals, and was readingfrom the Bible, they were
reading a specific uh chapter,and she was going over that.
(18:52):
And I for whatever reason I wasscrolling, like I said, and it
had stopped me dead in mytracks.
And Michelle's warm voice on theTikTok was really just what I
needed.
It was like a motherly,nurturing voice that I needed to
(19:13):
soothe my heart at the moment.
Um, and she had mentioned duringher live that if anyone was
willing to give their life toGod, that she would pray with
(19:33):
them and she would recite thesavior's prayer.
And at that time I didn't knowwhat that meant.
Um, but if but she said, ifyou're ready, write I'm ready in
the comments.
I had just found out that my momhad taken her own life hours
(19:56):
before this.
My mind is not right.
I am doom scrolling on TikToktrying to keep my mind right.
And it was like word vomit.
My hands typed, I'm ready.
I don't know what I'm ready for.
But apparently I was ready.
(20:19):
And at that moment, I went aheadand recited the Savior's prayer
with Michelle, and at that timeshe explained, you know, it when
you're ready, we'll go throughthis, and this is your time to
(20:41):
give it to God.
Anything that you're uncertainof, now's the chance.
Give it to God, and that rightthere is where I was at.
I was in the moment that I wasso uncertain of what to do next
and where to go that I was inthe moment of give it to God
(21:05):
because I don't know.
And following that prayer,Michelle and I had kind of a
conversation back and forth umin the comment section, and she
asked me if I had a Bible, anduh I said no, I didn't.
She sent me one, and from thatmoment I received the Bible, I
(21:30):
got tabs for it, I got a bindercover.
Um, and I made the commitment tomyself that I was gonna read the
Bible in a year.
Uh, my friend, um, a friend ofours, um, Shannon, she shared
with me an app that you candownload on your phone and you
(21:52):
can pick the Bible that you wantto read, and they go through um
a chapter a day.
Um, and I have decided that onceI've finished that Bible in a
year, I want to become baptized.
Um and I think that this is myway of making a commitment to
(22:16):
changing my life and leaningmore towards my faith.
And honestly, I I can't thankMichelle enough for having that
live.
I've actually taken the time,and she's asked me to share my
testimony on her live, and I didthat probably um about a month
(22:37):
ago at this point.
And it's just so amazing.
She had no idea that her livewould have changed me, um, or at
least uh pointed me towards Godin more ways.
Would I have gotten there?
(22:57):
I'm sure of it.
But it was her live thatactually was like, you're you're
ready, do this.
And so I've been reading myBible.
Um I I'm not gonna lie, I listento my Bible.
I can't read.
I mean, I can read, but I don'tknow what I'm reading, I can't
retain what I'm reading.
(23:19):
So I'm I'm holding strong onthis, and uh following the
service, I said to you that Iwant to go to church.
I had done some research on acouple of local churches, um
(23:39):
church shopping, I guess youcould say.
SPEAKER_00 (23:44):
I think um it's a great time here to say that you
know, both of us over the pastcouple years.
Well, I guess just to say likeover the past couple years, I've
always talked about trying tolean into my faith more, and I
try to make the commitment toreading the Bible, and I always
end up losing my way, and everyyear I start the new year off
(24:05):
with trying to um make thecommitment to myself to lean
into it more, and then by themiddle of the year I'm right off
track again, you know.
And um, it's time for me to takethat serious in my life as well.
And um you being on this journeyhas been a motivator to me
(24:26):
because I felt like for thelongest time I was the only one
on that journey, and um, I thinkit's just anything in life is
easier with support, and um Ihave been curious about finding
a church and finding the rightone as well, as you say, church
(24:48):
shopping, because you want tofit, right?
You just you want to fit, youwant to feel comfortable, and
you also want to be inspired andand motivated.
And there's I just think back towhen I was a little kid in
certain like church situationswhere you're like I don't know,
I don't even know the right wayto explain it, but maybe getting
(25:09):
lost and confused and notknowing what was going on, and I
need somebody to break thingsdown and relate to them um in
today's life and time so I canunderstand it, you know.
And um I've never I've been Iwas baptized and I've been to
church, but traditionally I onlygo to church for weddings and
(25:30):
funerals, right?
And um I've always talked aboutjoining a church, or at least I
shouldn't say always over thepast couple years, but I've also
been slightly afraid to do so aswell, you know.
Um and it can be intimidating,and I think that religion itself
(25:51):
can be intimidating for so manyfolks because you know there's
all these things like what do Ido?
Like what's what's asked of me,you know.
Um everything just seems to haveso much tradition, and you know,
it's you build this thing up inyour in your mind of like kind
of being overwhelmed.
(26:12):
And um, so when we first startedtalking about this, um
originally started because wemet um Father Neto and we wanted
to be able to go to some of hisservices, yeah, but it's just
turned into a whole differentjourney that we've been on.
And um when you came to me andsaid I want to go to church on
(26:34):
Sunday, I was I don't think Ioriginally even gave a thought.
I said, Yeah, I'm in.
And then after I kind of gave ita lot of thought and said, like,
now's the time.
Now's the time.
And for me, I had to really calltruths with myself and say,
you've been proclaiming yourfaith for years, but in reality,
(26:59):
you're not committing to it atthe level in which you should.
And um, you know, you can feelhypocritical in in doing that.
So I said, call yourself to thecarpet, the time is now.
And when I look at myself and Ithink about some of the episodes
and conversations we've had overthe past couple of months, and
(27:20):
really leaning into our faith,and and you think about Charlie
Kirk and the movement that'shappened with Charlie Kirk, the
revival in this country, and howmany people started going to
church because of that.
And last week we talked about atribute and honoring honoring
the man and the family and thelegacy and the things that he's
(27:42):
done.
I also felt there couldn't be abetter tribute or way for me to
honor somebody that I feel likehas had a positive impact on on
my life than by bucking up andgoing to church as well, right?
So I thought for me that wasalso a good way and a great time
for me to honor him and myself.
And then I really put morethought into it and said, if I
(28:05):
am a loving, supporting husband,then this is absolutely the time
to go because you're on thisjourney and I can't let you go
on that alone.
And the service that happenedfor your mother, I was home with
our daughter during that time.
We didn't think it was a time ora place for Paisley.
Right.
And um, this is something thatyou wanted to handle, and um, I
(28:30):
respected your wishes, and and Ialso had the assumption that the
spiritual guidance, the faiththat you needed wasn't gonna
come from that service at agraveside.
It was gonna come from a full-onchurch service.
(28:50):
And that's how I knew we had togo on Sunday.
Like this had to be you'reyou're creating closure on on
Saturday, but you're you'recreating opportunity and you're
rewriting you on Sunday.
And um, I know you said thatlike the actual service that you
(29:11):
guys had on Saturday was therewas no there was no preacher
there, there was no no church uhprayer there, it was just you
know friends and family.
And um, so I think it wascompletely fitting that the next
day we decided to to go tochurch.
So I will emphasize the factthis is the first time in my
(29:34):
adult life that I walked into achurch when it wasn't a wedding
or a funeral.
It's also the first time as afamily that we went to church,
and when I say family, it wasyou, me, and our daughter that
went to church.
SPEAKER_02 (29:50):
Yep, we brought Miss Paisley and she had the
opportunity to go to her littleBible study, and it was awesome.
They were very welcoming and Andyou know, from the moment that
we walked into the church, theywere uh super warm.
There was a little old lady, Ithink her name was Sharon.
(30:11):
Maybe Sandra, something likethat, at the desk.
She had a little name badge onand massive church, by the way.
Massive church.
Yeah.
If you're from the area.
SPEAKER_00 (30:21):
What do they took over?
Like a Bob's furniture orsomething.
They took over a massivefurniture outlet and turned it
into a church.
So when you go in, there's a youknow, big entryway, greeting
counter, like you're walkinginto a hotel room, you know,
like a hotel lobby, I shouldsay.
Turf.
Uh Astro Turf field in themiddle.
(30:41):
There's play yard for the kids.
Um looks like a cafeteria,coffee shop scenario to the
right of you.
To the left is a two-level storyto the auditorium that seats
1,400 people for a service.
And then there's also like aplay zone for kids with like I
mean, we're talking fall-onjungle gym chucky cheese stuff.
(31:02):
Literally.
And you go over and check inyour child there, and then you
go through this um securitygate, and it turns into uh a
school.
SPEAKER_02 (31:12):
Beautiful schoolhouse.
Yeah, like literally the wallsare painted like a old town.
SPEAKER_00 (31:18):
And it's literally like third grade, second grade,
they get all lined all the wayup.
And um, you know, we broughtMiss Paisley in there, and um
the lady that that you knowreceived us was super, super
warm and welcoming.
SPEAKER_02 (31:31):
And little Southern grandma.
SPEAKER_00 (31:33):
I mean, she did Little Mima.
Yeah, she did great for 40, 45minutes.
SPEAKER_02 (31:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (31:39):
When we went to the city.
SPEAKER_02 (31:40):
And then I got a text message and it said, Miss
Paisley's having a hard time.
If you wouldn't mind comegrabbing her, and I said,
Absolutely.
And when I went down to receiveher, she uh literally was just
like, please, please bring herback.
She did so wonderful.
And I was like, Well, this isthe first time.
And so she was so nice and sokind um with Miss Paisley.
(32:02):
And when I walked over there,she was sitting on her lap and
um she was crying, but you know,I was so proud of her for doing
40 minutes in a new environment.
Like she's usually with us andnot away from us.
So to get 40 minutes out of her,that was great.
That was great.
SPEAKER_00 (32:20):
It was um this was a different type of church
service, especially for ourfirst service, because I don't
really know what they call this,but this was more of a musical
service.
I guess they do this a coupletimes a year, and it was
incredible.
Um, I've never heard Christianmusic like this live.
It was incredible.
When you go in, we went to thetop deck to kind of blend in a
(32:43):
little bit, and um there's awhole band set up, and they took
turns.
Um, they like had differentsingers for different songs, and
it was incredible, and thelyrics were on the wall, so you
can you can sing along and thechurch is broadcast live, so you
can never miss a service if youeven can't make it to uh to
church.
They're also broadcast live atum for the main mariners
(33:06):
maritime academy, they're alsobroadcast live at the Cumberland
County Jail.
SPEAKER_02 (33:10):
It's actually called um worship, yes.
SPEAKER_00 (33:13):
It was a it was a full-on worship session.
It was um just along with mass.
Along with mass, it wasincredible.
Um but like we talked aboutblending in, and um, it's kind
of funny because when youstarted talking to these um
different churches and stuff, Iwas off at a fair and I got a
text message from um an old bossof mine, actually the owner of
(33:36):
Reynolds Motorsports, and hereached out to me and said,
Keith, did you and your familyattend church on Sunday?
And I said, actually, no, I'm ata fair, but my wife's been
calling churches, and he said,Well, your name's on a prayer
list here, so you know, I justkind of wanted to talk to you
and you wanted to welcome me tothe church and encourage us to
show up.
SPEAKER_02 (33:54):
I was actually the only church that I reached out
to.
SPEAKER_00 (33:56):
Was it?
SPEAKER_02 (33:57):
Yeah, because I wanted to know more about it.
I had looked up a few other onesum specifically that were very
similar, uh, but never actuallyreached out to get any
information except for this onein particular.
SPEAKER_00 (34:12):
When we got there and that lady said, Well, you
know, we see 1400, and I said,I'm never gonna find Scott in
this place.
And we went upstairs and I satdown and I looked to the left,
and it's like an aisle away,because I strategically try to
find aisles when I'm in placeslike this.
SPEAKER_03 (34:27):
And uh your exact words are yeah, let's sit here.
I can kick my leg out.
SPEAKER_00 (34:31):
Yeah.
And it's just easier to get outand move and do whatever you
have to do if you're in anaisle.
I always, given the opportunity,even before the world got crazy,
and even more so now that it iscrazy, I always consider an exit
strategy and I'm always lookingfor um an aisle situation.
And as the world gets crazy, Ithink it's more important to
(34:52):
think about those things in thesense of if something were to
ever happen somewhere, if I'm inthe middle, it's hard to do
anything, right?
Um, and I'm just being a bigguy, so I need to stretch out
and and take advantage of everyinch that there's possibly can
be found.
But I looked across the aisle,and right next to me was Scott,
and uh I went over to him, anduh I don't think I've ever seen
(35:14):
him happier to see me in mylife.
And um we I started off as oneof his employees, and I feel
like I was probably one of themost successful salespeople he's
ever had.
I definitely made him uh quite abit of money in my time there,
and then I grew up to end upbeing a business partner with
him.
Uh so he's always been a uh rolemodel type mentor to me, a
(35:37):
business mentor, and uh it wasreally fitting to have the full
circle moment of him welcomingme to church and then him being
there sitting next to me on myfirst time ever walking into
church.
But I say this also to say thatyou went down and got Paisley
and you brought her in, and umthere was no distraction,
nobody, nobody was flustered,you know what I mean?
(36:00):
Everybody was welcoming, andbecause it was a worship
service, because it was musical,she loved it.
SPEAKER_03 (36:07):
She did love it.
Yeah, brought her right back tous, like right towards the
scene.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (36:12):
And we sat there as a family taking turns, holding
her and watching the service,and um towards the end, she was
starting to have a hard timeholding on.
But um, this is like what anhour and a half service
altogether, right?
So she spent 40 minutes 15minutes, I think.
They they went long, yeah.
Um, and she um spent about 40minutes in that little Bible
(36:33):
school scenario, so then she hadanother 40 minutes or so with
us, you know.
And um, like just taking on herown little concert, you know,
and um I don't remember um whichsong or which um verses or or or
what we were into, but um therewas a time when I was just
(36:57):
holding her so close and I couldjust see her intently taking
everything in, and I just restedmy head on her and um and was
just praying with her and takingand receiving the entire message
and realizing that this is theimportance of life, and this is
this makes it all worth it, youknow.
And when we were there, it was Iwas having a hard time staying
(37:23):
focused because there was somuch going on, and we talked
about it.
It was like yeah, you're walkinginto a concert, a 1400-seat
concert for the first time, andthere's people moving around and
dancing, and there's all thesethings going on, and then you're
trying to, you know, take on anactual church service, and then
you're worried about your littlekid, your you know, your
one-year-old, and in in theschool room.
(37:43):
So there's so much going on thatum it was hard to be focused at
all times, but in that momentthere was pure clarity, and and
um that in itself made it allworth it.
And I think we were there forfive minutes when I looked over
and saw your face.
SPEAKER_02 (38:03):
And I mean, you were already bawling and you were we
were there for five minutes, andthat was like the first song,
and I was already crying becauseit was just like so cleansing.
Like I was like, this is what Ineeded, like it was I I don't
even I I don't honestly don'teven remember the song.
I just remember the message thatjust hit home.
(38:26):
Like I was like, this is what Ineeded.
Um this is the closure of onechapter and starting a new one.
And at that moment I just I saidto myself, like this is your
season and your season ofhealing and growing and being
the best mom you can be, becausethat's that's what we're here
(38:49):
for.
That's the whole uh reason we'rehere at church today is to let
go and let God and the serviceum couldn't have been planned
out any better when it comes tothe message that they were
coming across and you know theywere talking about like making
(39:11):
sure that you uh empty your cupbecause you're never gonna fill
one cup with coffee, vinegar,and wine all at the same time.
So if you don't empty your cup,you're mixing all these
different things, it becomes achemical fire.
SPEAKER_00 (39:28):
Yeah, the the main message of it was if you're here
and you're here to receive God,then you need to open yourself
up, you need to empty the cupand receive God.
And it's hard to receive God andwhen you're filling your cup
with so many other things, likethe wine of indulgence, you
(39:51):
know, and or the you know, theand they had all these examples
but like the coffee of like youryour habits, you know what I
mean?
Like the um the salt water ofyour sins, all these different
things.
But you just think about imagineputting all these things in a
cup, and the analogy is we usecups for everything, and you
have a cup addiction.
(40:11):
You have so many cups aroundhere.
SPEAKER_02 (40:12):
I do have a problem.
SPEAKER_00 (40:14):
But you have this great, amazing coffee cup, but
maybe you were drinking waterout of it.
Maybe you were you had water andthen you added uh Mio flavoring
to it.
Maybe you had some soda in it.
You're not gonna just pour yourcoffee on top of that cup and
drink it.
You need to empty it out, youneed to wash out that cup before
you put coffee in it.
And he's really made the examplethat that's us, that's us as
(40:36):
human beings on the day-to-day.
We fill our our cups, we fillourselves with these
distractions, with these sins,with these problems, with these
concerns.
When ultimately, if we want toreceive God and live a more
fulfilled life, then we justhave to empty our cups and empty
ourselves.
And I thought for me that it wasit was hitting home because I
(40:58):
feel I felt hypocritical and Ifelt that like I've always
filled my cup with distractions.
I allow myself to be distracted.
I fill my cup with concerns,with worries, with frustrations,
with doubt, with fear.
I fill my cup with all thesethings, being a small business
owner and a first-time dad, andhaving these financial
responsibilities that I've neverhad before, and the financial
(41:22):
difficulties and restraints thatI've never had before.
And I fill all these things upand you ask yourself, how can I
receive anything positive?
How can I make any positivechanges if I don't empty this
cup?
Right.
And for you, I think it was howdo you move forward and receive
God if you don't, you know, havethat closure that you had, if
you don't, you know, say goodbyeto some of these things and some
(41:44):
of these people that areclouding your judgment that are
filling your cup.
SPEAKER_02 (41:47):
Yeah.
Um if you don't let go of thethings that are no longer
serving you, how can you acceptthe things that can serve you?
SPEAKER_00 (41:55):
Yeah.
It was a great message.
I know they were also coveringthe book of John, and um, but
just the whole point of it was areal message about being willing
to receive God and to the stepsto take and and the effort that
(42:16):
needs to be made.
And uh it was like they werespeaking right directly to us,
um both on the same path butwith different roads, you know,
like we're both looking for thesame thing, um, but coming from
different stories and differentreasons, and uh it definitely
landed in the right spot, youknow.
SPEAKER_02 (42:37):
Yeah, God's timing is impeccable.
Sometimes we're anticipatingsomething to happen a little bit
sooner than um He's ready foryou to say that there was a few
weeks ago um you were actuallyat Freiburg and it was I think
(43:02):
it was Freiburg, it was theother Freiburg or winter.
I was like, woke up and I waslike, I wanna go to church.
You weren't even here.
And I was like, I'm just gonnago.
I'm gonna go by myself.
And a tune in, I'm just gonna goby myself.
Like it's gonna be fine.
Me and the baby, we're gonna dothis.
And I got up and I was like, I'mnot going.
I'm not going.
Like it was that night itsounded like a great plan.
(43:25):
But for whatever reason, theplan was not it was not my plan.
And there was a reason for that.
Because I wasn't meant to goalone.
I wasn't meant to do this bymyself without you.
And so, um, you know, and it wasthe same exact mindset for me.
(43:46):
Then as it was on Saturday whenI came home from the service and
I said, We're go I'm going tochurch.
SPEAKER_00 (43:53):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (43:54):
The look on your face was priceless.
You're like, Wait Wait, what?
unknown (43:57):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (43:58):
People that don't understand, like, you've never
shown an interest in any ofthis, right?
Like, you're the one that uhlike I'm reading up, like I
haven't done this in a while,and I'm gonna confess here.
But when I made the quest, likeI'm reading my Bible and I got
my Bible for Christmas, I wouldread a chapter at night or as
many pages as I could.
You're scrolling TikToks, you'rewatching trashy TV, you're not
(44:23):
creating a level playing fieldand platform for how you're
learning, okay?
Let's just say that.
SPEAKER_02 (44:30):
Um I think it's because before this all
happened, I constantly had themindset of church from when I
was a kid.
SPEAKER_01 (44:45):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (44:45):
And that was very no disrespect, but very stuffy.
Like you go in, you sit in thepews, they read the Bible at
you, they don't break it down,you eat your bread, drink your
wine, go out to breakfast.
SPEAKER_00 (45:01):
Okay, yeah.
And and and our interpretationof those things too, being a
little kid is also differenttoo, right?
You know, but it also createsthat image in your mind of like,
oh, this is what it's alwayslike.
And then even when you go tolike a funeral service or a
drawn-out church service for awedding, which isn't common
anymore, but you can get lost inthe luster and not really know
(45:22):
what's going on.
So exactly.
And and I always it's crazy tosay this, but you also create
this feeling of like um, I don'teven know how to how to really
put this out there and notsounding too cheesy, but like
you're walking as a walking inas an outsider into the cool
(45:44):
girls club.
You know what I'm saying?
Like when you go into church,and like I always felt like what
what when am I supposed to oneknee, two knees, up, down?
That's what you asked me.
You know what I mean?
Like, when when do I do this?
When do I do that?
And um, some of that wasintimidating for me because like
I remember as a kid, like thisis now you do this, now you do
that, now you do this.
I don't know that prayer, butyou're expecting me to say it.
(46:06):
Like, and it's so much moremodernized, is the way we're
going to church, where there'sit's it's on the wall, you can
say the prayer with them, likeyou can, you know, and it's it's
a whole different thing.
And and one of the great thingsabout um finding a church, and
one of the great things aboutthe Bible for me that I always
(46:27):
went to is it also reallyconnects with one of my favorite
things in life, which iscoaching and leadership, and and
I love great speeches and I lovemotivation, and I love great
leaders, and like the greatestleader is Jesus Christ, right?
(46:48):
So, like this it learning all ofthose things, it's just it
really um plays on the thingsthat I enjoy in life.
And um, I love a goodmotivational speech.
And when you find pastors thatare motivated and they're
passionate and they know how toconvey the message and being a
(47:08):
part of that, like it'sexciting, it's and it's
invigorating, right?
Like we left there feelingrejuvenated.
SPEAKER_02 (47:13):
And the night before, like you're like, all
right, so we're going to church,but like, where are we going?
Like, what are we doing?
And I was like, well, let meshow you, because both churches
that um I was interested in umdid an online service so you
could watch last week's, and Ishowed you one um and then I
showed you the other one, and wefelt more connected to this one.
(47:37):
Um, and we watched a few oftheir um services just to kind
of get a vibe on um, you know,what it's like.
Um and I think we ended upwatching all the way to so they
had three different pastors,yeah.
Um, and then we got to one andwe both were like locked in.
(47:58):
We're like, okay, who is thisguy?
Like, what is this guy allabout?
Is he there often?
And he ended up being like, Ithink they called him like the
leader.
I'm not sure.
I didn't really read the title.
I think is what the title said.
Um, so he's like head honcho,like he does most of them.
So it was really awesome that weactually walked in to worship
(48:19):
and we didn't see him at first,and then he walked out.
Um, so we're like, oh, sweet,yes, okay, because we really
enjoyed his presence, like juston the the live stream, because
you can watch it live stream aswell, like you said.
Um and I remember you're like,Oh, look, there's the guy,
that's the guy you like, and Iwas like, Yes, perfect.
(48:40):
Like I almost already felt likea connection.
Like, I was like, perfect,supposed to be here.
This is it.
SPEAKER_00 (48:46):
It's like there's certain um like church services
that I would watch on YouTubewhen I was in my office, and um
like uh I would put a mass onfrom these different churches,
and it felt to me like it was acombination of a church and a
motivational speaker, you know,and uh like a life coach and a
(49:12):
pastor all at the same time.
And I thought, and with somemusic in there too, because I do
like music, but I just don'tneed it to be all music.
Yeah, there was a lot of music,and when I saw that, I was like,
man, if there was church likethis in my my home state, I'd
I'd go because I didn't evenknow that we had this, you know.
And I think we're gonna figureyour research and the things
(49:33):
that you've come up with, andit's like, well, this makes
sense.
And there's probably peoplelistening that are gonna say,
like, that's not a real church,you know what I mean?
Like it's gonna be people thatsay that you know we're happy
for you and this and that, butyou should be in a traditional
church.
I don't I don't know, I don'tknow the difference, really.
SPEAKER_02 (49:51):
You know, I just know that we're finding what's
comfortable and where we fit in,and um and it's not just about
us feeling comfortable and fitin, like it's very important,
like when I'm doing my research,that they had a very good
children's program.
Um, because if we're doing this,we're doing this as a family.
And so to be honest, Paisley hadno problems with us dropping her
(50:16):
off.
Like, it was such a breath offresh air that I like handed her
over and she kind of like lookedand like whimpered a little bit,
but then was like totallycontent.
And we walked away and went toservice.
And then 40 minutes later I got,you know, one of the things that
was very important for me tomake this journey and to start
(50:42):
this journey is we havegodparents picked out for
Paisley and they are very activein her life, and I want to make
sure, God forbid, somethinghappens to us that it is on
paper.
And here in our state, it's notthat way unless she's actually
(51:03):
baptized.
So, with that being said, I onlyfelt that it was right for me to
get baptized with her.
You've already been baptized,I've never been baptized, I've
been to the church, I've doneall the things.
Never once have I physicallybeen baptized.
Sure, it was probably thrown uhholy water at me because I was a
(51:23):
terrible child, but never was Iactually baptized.
So I said, listen, this is gonnabe my opportunity to do what's
right.
And I looked into it to see likeif we can make Lance and Jen her
godparents without actuallygetting baptized, and in our
state it's not a thing.
(51:44):
It's you know, being baptizedhere in the state of Maine is
actually like a bindingdocument.
Um, and so for for hergodparents to be here to sign
the paper, it's legal and it'syou know, if something is to
happen they have the rights toher.
And for me, I feel like that'sappropriate to set her up for
(52:07):
success in case of an emergency.
SPEAKER_00 (52:13):
Yeah, I I think just not even the thought process of
the emergency scenario, likewe're not even thinking about
any of that.
SPEAKER_02 (52:26):
That's just my anxiety.
SPEAKER_00 (52:28):
I understand.
But it's the the symbolism, thereality of this is our gift and
tribute and honor to her God.
Absolutely, right?
Absolutely.
So you just mentioned that withyour mother there was like the
like it became final and therewas closure that was there.
(52:51):
Until these these you know thesethings are done, like the
baptism and the embracing offaith, until those things are
done, then the meaning ofgodparents could be irrelevant
because in theory, if you don'tbelieve in God, if you're not
committed to God, then how doesit make sense for you to name
(53:12):
somebody godparents, right?
And um people toss that aroundall the time, right?
And I want it to mean more forLance and Jen because they she
means more to them.
Absolutely, you know, it's morethan just a name and it's not
just a title.
So I think the seriousness andthe appreciation makes it all
(53:39):
worth the accountability ofmaking it real, if that makes
sense to me.
Oh, what I mean.
You know what I mean?
Um we didn't ask them this justto throw a name around.
We asked them because we loveand value them and we know that
she will too.
SPEAKER_02 (53:55):
Absolutely.
So she loves she loves herlands.
SPEAKER_00 (53:59):
She loves gent.
SPEAKER_03 (54:00):
She does love gentlemen.
SPEAKER_00 (54:01):
But my my point is is that it's it's the greatest
and largest gift that we couldgive to two people.
Absolutely, and I want to makethat as legitimized as possible
for them, right?
SPEAKER_02 (54:16):
100%.
SPEAKER_00 (54:17):
Now, when I get back to the whole church intimidation
thing, there's always beensomething in me where I don't
want to go to church and getinto a Bible measuring contest.
And what I mean by that is thisthere's a lot of people that
have lived in their Bible,there's a lot of people that
(54:40):
have grown up living in theirBible.
I don't like getting into aconversation or a discussion
where I feel threatened by howlittle I know of my own Bible.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Like, there's certain things inlife where you can get into a
conversation, be in over yourhead, and it's not a good
(55:01):
conversation, right?
Like right now we're trying tosell a tractor that me and my
dad purchased together.
I don't know enough about it.
I don't like getting intoconversations about technical
stuff on this tractor because Idon't know enough about it.
Makes me feel uncomfortable,right?
When I sold things for a living,if I didn't know what I was
selling, it made meuncomfortable.
(55:21):
When it comes to spirituality,when it comes to your faith, not
knowing enough about it, I wouldshy away from conversations
because I always felt like, ah,the true professional is going
to sniff me out.
The true Bible reader is gonnaknow that I've only perused
pages.
You know what I mean?
And I never want to get into afaith argument with somebody,
(55:41):
and I've always been threatenedby that to the point of like you
create this false wall of wow,you're just you're just starting
to do this now and you're 40.
Like, what have you what's wrongwith you?
You know what I mean?
And um those things have alwayskind of made me nervous, and
it's kind of made meapprehensive about joining the
church.
But there's something that umthat I heard either at the
(56:05):
service on Sunday or in some oftheir videos as we were uh
preparing to go to our firstchurch service when they I made
a comment that went somethingroughly along the lines of this
when someone's asking you aboutyour faith and how much you
might know about the Bible orall these things, like wherever
(56:27):
they however they said it, thecomment that was made is all I
want from you is that today youknow a little bit more about
Jesus than you did yesterday.
All I want from you is thewillingness to want to know a
little bit more about Jesustoday than yesterday.
(56:48):
All that matters to me is thatyou feel closer to him today
than you did yesterday.
SPEAKER_01 (56:54):
That's good.
SPEAKER_00 (56:55):
Hearing that eased all my apprehension.
And it gave me something thatwhen I'm in those conversations
where I don't feel comfortableand people want to question me
about my faith, that I can say,the only important thing to me
is that I know him more todaythan yesterday.
Yeah.
And that's the end of it.
And that in itself gave me like,you gave me the armor to go to
(57:19):
church and because you don'tknow what to expect.
It's the great wide unknown,right?
And you don't want to walk inthere and have somebody started
pounding you with aquestionnaire like you get when
you bring your daughter to thedoctor's for the first time and
they're asking you all thesequestions.
Like, is there a gun in thehouse?
Does she do this?
Can you afford food?
Do you have heat?
All these questions.
When I go to church, I don'tknow what I'm gonna be asked for
(57:40):
questions, but I knew that ifyou came at me hard and fast and
the thing that I threw at you isI just want to know him more
today than yesterday.
You're gonna say, Let the manin.
SPEAKER_03 (57:48):
Hallelujah.
SPEAKER_00 (57:49):
Hallelujah.
He watched our service, let himin.
That's right.
Let him in.
So I just I felt like I'm gonnause that line and I'm gonna
continue to um use that's goodalso as a motivator.
That's powerful.
Because to be at a point in theday and say to yourself, like
you're like if you think aboutit this way, you've made the
(58:09):
commitment to uh read a chaptera day.
If you're at a point in your daywhen you have not read that
chapter and you ask yourself, AmI any closer to God today?
Do I know any more about Jesustoday than I did yesterday?
No, I'm behind.
And the answer is no, then youcan get back on it.
And um I think that if you wejust can make the the conscious
effort to just know a little bitmore and to get a little bit
(58:32):
closer each day, I think thatthat in turn will help us live
the life we want.
SPEAKER_03 (58:38):
You want to join me?
What I'm so far behind.
Well, yeah, you might evenlisten every day together.
SPEAKER_00 (58:48):
I don't I don't know if I'll listen or if I'll just
continue to read.
Um and it's one of the onlythings that I actually read.
SPEAKER_02 (58:56):
Well, I listen every day and it tells me like and it
does the countdown.
SPEAKER_00 (59:00):
Like I'm on day, like you can go in and like give
your the nice thing about theapp is that it allows you to
listen to it and then at the endof it it breaks it down in like
today's Which is all great, andI and maybe I can try to do that
too, but the difference for meis I've been reading it and I'm
just been trying to go front toback, and I feel like that's
probably the toughest thing todo.
(59:21):
But um That's what this isdoing.
Yeah, so like I'm old Testamentjust reading straight through.
SPEAKER_02 (59:26):
I haven't gotten to the New Testament yet.
Like I let you pick your Bibleand then it starts on page one
and then goes.
SPEAKER_00 (59:32):
Maybe we might even be based off of my reading from
a year ago, we're probably atthe same spot.
SPEAKER_02 (59:37):
Maybe.
But um if we do it together,then we can always talk about
the specific Well, I thoughtthat was the whole reason why
you made two study Bibles thatwe haven't opened.
I do.
So But I don't I usually listento mine like when I'm driving.
SPEAKER_00 (59:54):
But I think if we're going with a study bible, then
you can put pen to paper andstart making things happen, and
I think that might be thedifference.
Mm-hmm.
That will help with theabsorption rate a little bit
more than listening.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:02):
Yeah, you're probably right.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:04):
People that are listening to me right now, they
ain't absorbing.
Because they ain't writingnotes.
You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:08):
No, they're probably driving to work.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:10):
Probably driving to work.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:11):
And they're like, when's this guy gonna stop
talking?
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:13):
This guy's gonna be about done.
But you should be actuallybecause it's almost midnight.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:17):
Kevin's saying, Stop labbing, I need to turn off the
treadmill.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:22):
I think Kevin quit the podcast.
I think I've lost him.
SPEAKER_02 (01:00:25):
My heart is broken.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:26):
I think I've lost him.
But um it's almost midnight.
This episode needs to drop in afew hours.
So I think on that note Iprobably gotta speed this
process up here.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:37):
Really?
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:38):
It's almost twelve.
We are twelve of twelve.
Twelve of twelve.
Is it tweety bird?
You're impressed by my mathskills.
SPEAKER_02 (01:00:49):
No, I thought you were telling me it was twelve
twelve, and I was like, that'safter.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:53):
And this podcast drops at five in the morning, so
gotta get on it.
I guess that means that's it forme and you.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:02):
Well done.
Well, y'all.
That's it.
That's all.
That's the end of my road here.
You'll never hear from me againon this podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:13):
I can't make bodily harm threats to you at the end
of this episode when we aretrying to turn a new spiritual
leaf here.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:20):
In the words of Keith.
That's it, and that's all,folks.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:25):
That's all, folks.
You just literally added like acartoon to the end of that.
That's not the story goes.
These are the days of our lives,like sands through the
hourglass.
Nope, that's not it.
Thank you for supporting ourAmerican dream.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:41):
Eat your mashed potatoes and say your prayers.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:47):
That's it, and that's all, Biggie Smalls.
If you're a Loud Proud Americanand you find yourself just
(01:02:08):
wanting more, find me on YouTubeand Facebook at Loud Proud
American or the Face page, as mymama calls it.
If you're a fan of the GrahamCracker, you want to find me on
Instagram or all the kids byTickety Talkin on the TikTok.
You can find me on both of thoseat Loud underscore Proud
(01:02:29):
underscore American Big oldthank you to the boys from the
Gut Truckers for the backgroundbeats and the theme song to Mr.
Podcast.
If you are enjoying what you'rehearing, track down the gut
(01:02:50):
truckers on Facebook, Just SirGut Truckers.
Give that motherfucker a liketoo.
(01:03:15):
I truly thank you for supportingmy American dream.
Now go wash your fucking hands,you filthy savage.
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