November 26, 2025 • 58 mins
Holidays bring glitter and gravity at the same time. We’re laughing about hot coffee and bulldogs one minute, then staring down the second anniversary of my dad’s passing the next. That’s real life at our place: farm chores, craft fairs, small business hustle, and the quiet question that keeps chasing me—am I still making him proud?
We walk through the messy middle. I talk about avoiding my to-do list because I’m afraid of its size, watching the fences Dad and I built sag, and feeling like I don’t stack up to the man who seemed to do everything. Then Mom gets a surprise video reading from a trusted medium, and detail after detail lands with impossible precision—first dates, favorite songs, a Christmas stocking we’d bought hours earlier, even the TV volume quirks she never mentioned. That validation cracks something open. We finally watch the tribute video I made for his service. It wrecks me in the best possible way.
That night a dream arrives with steel-toe boots and an unshakable presence. I’m overwhelmed by bills and fear, and Dad walks up the stairs like he used to, hands me a look that burns brighter than words, and tells me everything without saying a thing: get up. From there we talk about practical hope—naming grief without feeding it, writing the list, accepting help, honoring signs without needing to control them, and choosing to live a life worthy of the people who loved us into being. If you’ve lost someone and still scan the sky for a sign, this conversation is for you.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
The holiday season has begun with episode 281.
On the eve of Thanksgiving, wefind ourselves grateful,
nostalgic, and optimistic.
It's a powerful encounter.
Two years after my father'spassing shakes me to my core.
All that and more on this week'sepisode of Share the Struggle
(00:25):
Podcast.
Let me tell you something.
Everybody struggles.
The difference is some peoplechoose to go through it and some
choose to grow through it.
The choice is completely yours.
Which one you choose will have avery profound effect on the way
you live your life.
(01:38):
Almighty am I so excited to beback with you?
Oh, it is true.
It is damn true.
Why?
Because I love you, Boo.
Episode 281, the holiday seasonhas officially begun.
I think it's already begunaround here.
As y'all know, I've been doingcraft fairs for a couple of
weeks already.
(01:59):
So uh, you know, I'm I'm feelingI'm feeling quite festive.
I'm like Uncle Festive overhere, okay?
But uh for everybody else, ithas begun.
This episode of the podcastdrops on the eve of
Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving Eve, boys andgirls, chipmunks and squirrels.
You know the holiday where weall gather around, give thanks,
(02:19):
and fill ourselves up till weabout throw up, okay?
That wasn't the great analogythere, but it is what it is.
And then it's also it's it's themajor holiday for me.
It is food and football, givingthanks, counting blessings,
enjoying Thanksgiving dinner,and watching the Dallas Cowboys
who for years have been ruiningholidays for me.
(02:41):
But I'm gonna hope and pray fora good year this year.
Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.
Before we get rocking androlling, I must give thanks to
each and every one of youbecause of you.
We continue to line up weekafter week and keep this
consecutive streak, 281 episodesin the books.
(03:02):
You can find them all onShareTheStruggle Podcast.com or
on all major podcastingplatforms and providers.
But I truly, truly want to saythank you.
It's because of each and everyone of you that we continue to
do this show.
So as I gather around my familytable, I will certainly be
counting y'all as some blessingsand giving thanks for each and
(03:23):
every one of you.
It means so much to me that youcontinue to dial in, to tune in,
to listen in, and so many of youcheck in often and just kind of
share thoughts and recaps onepisodes and all those good
things.
So thank you to each and everyone of you.
Also, welcome a few newlisteners.
I want to welcome into the clubPence in Alabama.
Roll tide?
(03:43):
Pence in Alabama in the houseand Hitchin Headfortshire.
I don't even know.
Hertfordshire.
Hitchin Hertfordshire.
I'm an idiot.
And um, when you hear mepronounce where you're from, you
might second guess yourself onthe decision to tune in and
(04:04):
listen to me.
But I truly hope that my publiceducation that went only as far
as my parents' taxpaying dollarswould take me doesn't offend you
from sticking around.
The fact that I can't read andpronounce your home town
hopefully doesn't keep you fromsticking around because I've
been through it, I've grownthrough it, and I have overcome
(04:25):
all of it.
And uh I'm not saying that mystory or my journey is greater
than anybody else's, but what Iam saying is I'm bold enough and
transparent enough to gatherhere week after week and to
share it because I know whateverit is I'm going through,
whatever it is you are growingthrough, and we have the
courage, boys and girls,chipmunk and squirrels, to say
it, to share it, to put it outthere into the universe, then
(04:47):
there is growth from thosestories, from those struggles.
We can all find a way out.
Success leaves clues.
That's a power trip for y'allright there.
That's a that's a power,powerful, powerful opening to
the show because I'm drinkinghot coffee, which uh man, my
(05:08):
wife hates it when I do that,which is probably why I do it.
Don't tell her.
Oh, wait, she's probably gonnalisten to this.
I say hot coffee because I don'tdrink hot coffee very much.
I only do it in the winterseason or if I find myself uh
either cold or desperate duringthe during the you know peak
months.
But uh it feels like theholidays when I start dipping
(05:31):
into some hot coffee.
So y'all ever change yourcaffeine and then it just hits
different, you know what I mean?
Mix up what you're having, uhswitching to a hot coffee, it's
bringing the heat, no punintended.
So anyway, here I am, folks.
Um we've got kind of a let'scall it a in the in the theme of
Thanksgiving.
Let's call it a cornucopia ofepisodes today.
(05:52):
We got ourselves a realcornucopia of a show today.
Because um I have some heartfeltthings, some funny things, and
just uh random things to sharewith each and every one of you.
And it starts with my dog beingan idiot.
Would you just find a home foryourself?
Good lord.
These dogs will sleep all dayuntil I try to do anything, and
(06:14):
then bada bing, bada boom,they're the loudest two in the
room.
Okay, so I'm gonna go down onthis tangent because this is a
big part of my day today.
We uh we have two dogs.
If y'all don't know the scenariohere, we have uh a horse,
Spirit, and we have a pig,Winston, we have uh two
bulldogs.
(06:34):
We have a French Bulldog,Presley, we have a um English
Bulldog, Folsom, we have a catnamed Cassius, and my mom here
on the property has a yellow labnamed Maggie and a French
Bulldog named Tater.
That's our that's our crop here,okay?
That's the herd that we haveassembled.
And over the past few years, Ihave said, being, mind you,
(06:57):
disclosure, full disclosure,being somebody that has always
grown up with dogs.
I don't remember a moment intime of my life we didn't have
at least one dog.
Actually, there was a goodportion of my my childhood where
me and my father raised huntingdogs.
So I've come accustomed to therealways being dogs around.
And me and my wife came to thedecision listen, when these two
(07:17):
see their way out of here, we'renot bringing another one in
here.
This is it for me.
I'm done with dogs.
Well, that has been my steadfastdecision.
I have not wavered from saiddecision.
I do not regret putting thatstatement out into the universe.
Now, that brings you to today.
Because last week, a greatfriend of mine, somebody that uh
(07:38):
I love and appreciate and holddear to myself and my family,
feels that same way about him.
He will give the shirt off hisback to help someone.
He stopped living the life thathe wanted to live and uprooted
himself from down south to upnorth to take care of one of his
best friends, probably hisactually I could say best
friend, who was dying withcancer.
(08:00):
He put his life on hold to comeup here and take care of him.
And he's been here the entiretime since.
And uh it's time for him to gohome, and um, he really wants to
leave, and he's not sure theexact direction and what his
plan is, but he wants to go backdown south, rightfully so.
That's where he that's where hewas living before his friend got
(08:20):
sick.
And um, with that said, he has avery beautiful English bulldog
that um we've we've met himsince he was a pup, right?
He's come over here and playedon the lawn and hung out since
he was a pup.
Um he sat in the parking lotwith me selling t-shirts at
Bentley Saloon, and um my friendreached out and said, Listen,
(08:44):
man, um I gotta do somelife-changing, I gotta make some
moves, and I would really liketo know if uh your daughter can
have my dog.
You son of a bitch.
You low blow son of a bitch.
Your daughter?
I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
So after a lot of debate, massdebate, shall I say, uh, a lot
(09:08):
of in-depth conversation overthis.
And uh I gotta be honest, man.
We have a modest livingscenario.
We live in an in-law above agarage.
My mom has the big farmhousenext door.
So there's my wife, my baby, andtwo dogs here right now.
Welcoming a third is gonna makethis rather difficult.
But after a lot of uh thoughtand consideration, we really
(09:29):
want to be there for our friendbecause he would always be there
for us.
And uh, I truly do honestly knowthat he really wants this to be
um little Paisley's dog.
So what we're gonna do is ourold English bulldog, our our
he's not old English, he'sEnglish, but he's old.
You know what I'm saying?
He's having a hard time gettingup and down the stairs.
We're gonna relocate his kennelto our heated garage, which is
(09:52):
our basement, and uh he's gonnaspend days up here and stuff,
but it's getting tougher for himto go up and down the stairs.
He likes hanging out in thegarage.
We're gonna set up a uh a boys'pad down there.
They've already got TVs andcouches and uh all that good
stuff and uh and heat, andthey're gonna hang out down
there.
And um, to prevent the fightsand um the jealousy, I think the
(10:15):
the lady of the group, um,Presley the Frenchie is gonna
kind of roam around upstairs atnight.
We're gonna have the two boyssleep together.
That'll help the young one getacclimated to surroundings.
This all sounds good in theory.
I don't really know how this isall gonna go, but the truth is,
as soon as I'm done recordinghere with y'all today, uh we're
loading the family up, and uhwe're heading to a few towns
(10:38):
south to uh welcome a new memberto the family.
So uh going to cook up anotherEnglish bowl.
I said I would never do it, butuh what do they say about kids?
They always get what they want.
Have they ever said that, or amI just saying that so that I can
justify what's happening here?
But that's what's happening.
So, man, that's a confessional.
(11:00):
What is the Cavela's catalog?
I just put my left hand on thatcatalog, beat the little eyes of
this guy, the truth from thisguy.
I've lost all control of myhouse.
Okay?
I've lost all control of myhouse.
It's true.
It's damn true.
I don't know what the hell I'mgonna do.
Man.
And I'm rambling at this point.
(11:20):
I know I have a lot of things inmy on my mind that I want to put
out there today, but I'mactually well over caffeinated
and um under a timeline, under acrunch, and um looking forward
to a holiday brunch.
You know what I'm saying?
Everything's everything's goingcrazy.
We uh had there's been a lot ofmoving parts here at the Liberty
(11:41):
Ponderosa.
I'm gonna have the wife join menext week and share some of that
with you.
But there's been a lot of movingparts over here, and Loud Pride
America in the business istrying to prepare for the
holiday season, getting readyfor Black Friday, getting ready
for uh small business Saturday.
I'm gonna put this out there toyou guys right now.
Please, please, please payattention to our socials.
(12:02):
Take advantage of some greatdeals and help provide Christmas
for my family over here, okay?
Just uh get out there andsupport Loud Proud American.
Don't forget the best gifts youcan give this holiday season are
proudly made in the US of A.
Okay?
Find all those things over toloudproudamerican.shop.
Get yourself something reallynice.
(12:23):
But look, look for some activitycoming up there um for the end
of the week.
So be ready.
You're gonna be pounded in theface with information for me in
the next coming weeks over LoudProud American and uh as we try
to position ourselves for thebest holiday season we could
possibly have.
So looking forward to that.
But those are some of the movingparts in the background, getting
(12:44):
a lot of farm stuff doneoutside.
Um, again, I want to say somethings that have been happening
around here, but I'm gonna waitto share those with the wife.
But what I am gonna say to y'allis that last week, after I
recorded um last week's episode,episode 280, uh, the very next
day, actually, was my father'sanniversary.
It was my father's death dateanniversary, two years later.
(13:08):
Um, if you guys have beenlistening along, then you know
it's also the anniversary ofEllie's grandmother's passing.
Um same date, different years,but it's um it's a difficult day
for all of us here for multiplereasons.
And um, this year happens to beuh year two, the second year
(13:29):
since my father's passing.
And I really feel like now thatI look back on it, and as I
always like to say, when yousprinkle time and distance on
it, things kind of make sense,right?
Things start to come clear, thepicture starts to make sense,
and um I didn't realize this,but last year I felt the same
(13:49):
way, not even realizing the dateas it built up and got closer
and closer.
I found myself struggling.
I found myself doing things thatmy father would do, but I found
myself struggling to add up towhat my father used to do.
I find myself with a lot of umimposter syndrome, I find myself
self-sabotaging, I find myselffull of self-doubt.
(14:12):
And um lo and behold, here I amagain, folks, because I really
went through um some difficulttimes of struggle and and deep
thought.
And I spent a lot of time justreally assessing who I am and
where I am.
(14:32):
And you guys have been listeningalong, you know that I'm proud
of the business, and all thosethings are great, and we're
having those conversations.
But in the background, there'ssomething else, it's not just
the business, it's just life,right?
It's looking around at all thethings me and my father built.
We built so much horse fencearound here, and it's all
starting to collapse.
Um, we used hardwood, but we'vehad a lot of wet seasons, and
(14:55):
our fences are starting to cavein, and there's a lot of overall
maintenance out there.
There's barn maintenance thatneeds to happen, driveway
maintenance, lawn, fields, allthese different things, and
stuff that me and my dad used todo, but it's also a painful
symbol when days before yourfather's anniversary, his death
anniversary, days before thelast time, two years ago that
(15:17):
you held your father's hand, youlook outside and you see a
project that you spent so muchtime together on, tipped over in
the field, and you gotta run outthere and pick it back up before
you can even let the horse out.
That symbolism of those thingsdying has really picked away at
me.
It shooed away at me.
(15:37):
And I'm also somebody that isnormally, I will say this, I'm
not a real organized individual,but I am pretty efficient when
it comes to getting my thingsdone.
And part of the way of doingthat is being organized and
having my task list, my to-dolist.
If you guys have been listeningthrough all the years, you know
that I like to write everythingdown and I get a real kick out
(15:58):
of taking that highlighter andcrossing it off the list.
That real dopamine kick, thatsatisfaction breakdown that I
get as soon as I can scrubsomething off the list.
And I have all these differenthighlighters for different
colors for different days, so Ican look down at that at that
sheet of paper and go, well,buddy, that's a lot of yellow
today.
Okay?
Not a lot of pink tomorrow, andif it's not a lot of pink, then
(16:19):
I better get back to work.
You know what I'm saying?
So what I just realized in aconversation with one of my best
friends the other day is that umI'm feeling rather overwhelmed
with my to-do list and all thethings that I have to do, but I
haven't written them down.
I have not put them, I have notput pen to paper, pencil to pad,
I have not structured things outlike I normally would.
(16:41):
And I realized you're notwriting all these things down
because you're preparing forbeing overwhelmed by the size of
the list.
And I guess in my mind, the fearof the size of the list has
created this uh ball of anxietyinside myself that says, if you
(17:01):
don't worry about it and youjust knock something out, cross
this off, get that done.
And you just keep putting onefoot forward one in front of the
other, and you try to get thatone thing done, then you know,
when you take the time to writethat list, it ain't gonna be so
long.
But in actuality, it's beencounterproductive because then
all these things which areswirling on the back of my mind
that needs to be done.
(17:21):
This has all led to me comparingmyself to my father.
This has all led me to doubtingwhether I can lead this family
the way my father did.
It leaves me wondering how inthe ever loving world he ever
did it.
When I think about him runninghis own business, raising his
family, taking care of this landand all the tasks at hand, and I
(17:43):
remember all the times he saidto me, Just wait, boy.
You just wait till you gotta dothis shit yourself.
It ain't that easy.
And Lord have mercy, he was notwrong.
It ain't easy.
And um I've gotten to the pointof being overwhelmed, and I got
to the point of asking myself ifI will ever live up to my
(18:05):
father's footsteps, if I willever live up to his
expectations, and if I make himproud.
Now, if you know me and you knowthis story, and if you go back
to two years ago and you listento the eulogy I gave from my
father, you know that I know howproud he is of me because he
said it to me every single day.
But I guess the lapse that hashappened two years later of not
(18:29):
hearing my father tell me everysingle day how proud he is of me
has created this void in me, avacuum in me, not knowing if I'm
still making my father proud,always questioning, always
wondering whether I'm making myfather proud.
Now, my wife and my mother getall these signs from my dad.
I don't know if you guys believein the spiritual side of life.
(18:50):
I don't know if you if youbelieve in this, but um, we
wholeheartedly do.
Those two more so than myself,but I do look for little things.
And um, if you guys, I hate tokeep saying this phrase, but if
you've been listening, if you'vebeen going along with the story,
then you know that my father'ssymbol for us is an eagle.
He comes back as a bald eagle.
(19:11):
It's not something that you canignore because how often do you
see a friggin' bald eagle?
And growing up, all up until mydad passed, so two years ago, so
at up until being 41, I probablysaw two bald eagles in my entire
life.
Since my dad's passing, I'veprobably seen 15 or 20.
Okay?
Think about that, all right?
(19:32):
And I've seen them all over theplace.
I've seen them in Florida, andI've seen them at my house.
I've seen them all over theplace.
When I was traveling to Bangor,one was circling, flying right
alongside me, and a borrowed boxtruck heading to my latest
event.
I see bald eagles.
My family sees bald eagles.
My my mother and and my wife andmy baby were on a trip last
(19:54):
weekend, on a little road trip,to do something important and
special for my wife that we'regonna share with you in the
coming weeks.
And on that trip, they literallyran right next to a bald eagle.
So he's always there, he'salways guiding us.
But they always have thesedifferent interactions and
feelings of his presence that Idon't always get.
(20:16):
I do often feel that my littlegirl knows who my dad is.
And for Christmas last year, Iactually photoshopped a photo of
my father holding my daughter.
And uh the photo was actuallyhim holding a snapping turtle, a
massive 30-pound, 40-poundsnapping turtle.
And uh the way he was holdingthat turtle, I was like, he
(20:37):
would hold a baby the same way.
So I photoshopped uh my baby, mylittle girl, into this picture
and uh had it printed to lookand designed more like a like a
painting, like an oil painting.
And I made a custom frame forit, and I gave it to my mother
on Christmas.
And now she hangs that in mylittle girl's nursery at my
mom's house, and it's right overher crib in her changing area.
(21:00):
And when you bring Paisley inthere to change her, she'll look
and stare a bit at that picture.
And when you get up to leave,she will say papa.
She'll say it.
She doesn't have very many wordsright now, folks, and she can
say papa without us reallyteaching it.
Because my dad's not here,right?
And she'll say papa, and she'llpoint to that photo and she'll
(21:23):
laugh and she'll giggle.
And um there's certain timeswhere I'm like, man, this little
girl's talking to my dad.
I know it.
And there's expressions that shegives, there's these facial
expressions that she gives,there's these different
animations that she does thatare my dad.
That's what my dad would do.
The there's so many things thatI remember my dad doing to
(21:47):
babies, like the smoochy kissface that he would do, she does
it.
Um the little way that shewrinkles her nose and scowls
with her eyes, these things thatshe does, they're playful things
that my dad would do.
So I know, without physicallybeing there, without him
physically being here or mephysically being there when they
(22:07):
met, I know they've met, and Iknow that that she somehow,
someway feels him, sees him, andknows him.
So those are my experiences, butmy my my mother and my wife keep
having these different thesedifferent feelings and and and
validations that I don't reallyhave.
And it leads to that void in me.
It leads to me asking if he'sstill proud of me.
(22:33):
It leads to me wondering if he'swatching me and saying, Buck,
what the F are you doing, man?
What are you doing down there?
Get your shit together,straighten out and figure this
out.
I taught you better than this.
You shouldn't be struggling likethis.
My dad was a no take no shitkind of guy.
And I often wonder if he sitsback and just says, Boy, you
(22:56):
ain't given enough.
And not being able to have theconversation with him um makes
it tough.
It makes me wonder even more.
So that's my side of the story.
But the other side of the storyis my mother, and I don't want
to speak too much for her, but Ican say that my mother is
(23:19):
hurting, and I can say that itpains me to see her hurt, and
she's doing the best she can tobe the best she can, and she's
an amazing meme moda littlePaisley, and she's been a
tremendous blessing to thisfamily, and she's um literally
kept us together.
And my mom's doing the absolutebest she can, but I know she's
(23:40):
lonely and I know she's hurt,and um, I know she has
questions, and I know thatthere's things that she needs
and and answers that she wants,and I just don't know, and I
just can't do.
As we peel back this onion evenmore, I will tell you guys that
(24:01):
my wife loves being on TikTok.
My wife uh has this littlecommunity on TikTok, and she has
become a moderator for people onTikTok.
And what that means is she willget into your feed and they
will, you know, invite her inand she will monitor the chat
and she'll kick out any of thetrolls and the nonsense, and she
(24:21):
delegates the right questionsand you know, and just takes
care of the feed, and she's doneit for me when I'm live, and it
makes a tremendous difference.
So I know the people that shedoes it for uh really appreciate
it.
One lady in particular, Kato,who's a medium, and um, you
know, she's had manyconversations and readings with
Kato, and we've shared some ofthose on here.
(24:43):
And there's another lady that II really feel bad at this moment
that I don't remember her name,and uh I'm gonna have to get
that and share that on here andmaybe send a little push in case
you guys are on TikTok and youwant to find her and you want to
check her out.
Um she did a reading for my wifea couple weeks ago, and um she
(25:06):
did this reading for my wife forfree for all the work that she
does.
And um my wife validated that itwas real by the stories that
were told about the messagesthat came forward from her
grandmother and from her mother.
It was validated and it was itwas truthful, so she knew that
it was right.
And to my wife's credit, withher big heart, she had a
(25:29):
conversation with this lady andshe said, I lost my
father-in-law two years ago.
The anniversary of his death isnext week, and I think it would
be tremendous if you could do areading for his wife.
So we didn't tell my mother, andon my dad's anniversary, we
(25:55):
planned this special call, thisum FaceTime video call, and we
didn't tell my mother, and mymom, as luck would have it, she
was sick and she was feelingdown and obviously depressed
like all of us.
And she uh she spent a lot oftime with the baby that day and
(26:16):
uh just trying to cheer herselfup, and then we dragged her out
of the house, brought her to thestore just to get out of the
house, and then we went and gotChinese food takeout, and we
came home and we had this bigChinese takeout poo-poo platter
extravaganza with the family.
My wife and my baby, my motherand myself, that unit, that
tribe that we formed.
(26:36):
And at the end of dinner, mywife gets a FaceTime call, and
she comes down the hallway to mymom and she says, This calls for
you.
My mom says, What?
And she doesn't know what'sgoing on, and she goes to sit
down, and the lady says to mymom, she says, This calls for
(26:56):
you because we're gonna talk toArthur today.
Today we're gonna talk to Art.
My mom started gettingemotional, she didn't know what
to think.
I left the room.
I was sitting in the living roomholding my baby, and I could
listen and hear both sides ofthe conversation, everything
(27:18):
that lady was saying, and howtrue it was.
My dad started by talking abouthis two boys.
My dad has seven kids.
It's a very um difficult and uhinteresting group with a unique
history, let's say.
(27:39):
But there's two boys that my dadheld true to that were always
there for him, and he was alwaysthere for, and that's me, my
brother David.
David has passed, but my dad'ssaying that I knew instantly
that's my dad.
Like I I know.
And they started talking, andshe started describing my dad
and his his attitude and hispersonality and his build, his
(28:03):
stature.
And um she kept talking abouthim being outside on the woods,
and and she was talking aboutthe size of his hands and the
calluses on his hands, and shestarted sharing things about his
personality that nobody wouldknow, and she started talking
about the fact that he could bereally abrasive and come off as
(28:23):
a real asshole to most people,except my mother.
And that to my mother he alwaysshowed her his softer side, and
that he was a teddy bear forher, and he continued to talk
about how much he loved her, andhe started to share things to
validate that this was real.
He started to share things andsay about their first dates,
(28:47):
going roller skating.
I never even envisioned my dadroller skating.
But talking about their firstdate, they were married for 42
years, I want to say.
This stuff can't be made up.
You're not gonna research this.
My mom is not on Facebook shestarts talking about the small,
intimate wedding that they hadand how special it was, and that
(29:09):
it was just a real tiny, tinywedding.
But she started talking aboutthose things.
She started mentioning my dad'sfavorite song that he used to
play for my mother.
All these things she justwouldn't get anywhere else.
And she also shared so manyspecial things for my mother,
and um I can't remember how longthis reading went, but halfway
(29:33):
through I just sat on the chairhugging my baby girl and bawling
my eyes out.
I was so grateful, I was sohopeful, I was so content for my
mother having that conversation.
All of her her thoughts, all ofum her emotions, the times that
she thinks, I really think yourfather was here to see me last
(29:55):
night.
I felt your father here today.
It was all validated.
It was all validated.
The lady started asking mymother certain things like, do
you all of a sudden hear the TVramp up at random hours, the
volume going all the way up andcoming all the way down?
That's him messing with you.
When you're sitting in bedwatching TV and you're talking
(30:17):
to him and you're feelingstressed out, he's next to you.
He knows those conversations.
Have you ever felt the mattressmove?
That's him sitting at the footof the bed.
And she started talking aboutall these things and asked my
mother, have you ever felt this?
Have you ever seen this?
Have you ever experienced this?
My mom said yes to those things,and she would describe those
(30:38):
things and say, This isvalidation.
He wants you to know that thatis him.
He wants you to know that he isalways around.
He wants you to know that he'salways around, all of you.
He also wants you to know thathe comes back as a bird of great
significance.
And she started discussing allthese things.
And she started talking about,she started mentioning a um a
(30:58):
Christmas sock.
She was talking about how tightwe were as a family, as a unit,
how tight we've become sincehe's passed.
And he was talking about thisChristmas sock.
Well, what I gotta tell youfolks is about an hour or two
before this conversation, wewere at Walmart, and my mother
(31:21):
was on the hunt to find a newChristmas sock for Paisley.
And she wanted her to have abluey Christmas sock.
And she'd been hunting around atall these stores saying she
couldn't find it, and shefinally found it, and she was so
excited to buy Paisley a blueythemed Christmas sock.
How would this lady know this?
And how would my dad know thisif he wasn't there in the store
(31:44):
with us?
All of these things, hementioned a tree.
He my mom he started asking mymom about a tree and um what the
significance is and what theplan was with a tree.
And my dad's friends pitched inand sent some money, and
together we wanted to gettogether and and and buy my dad
(32:05):
a tree, plant a nice new treefor him as a monument.
And he was giddy about that, andhe kept talking about that, and
he kept saying, you know, Ithink that you should um put it
in a place where you can sitwith it and you can talk to and
you can hang out.
And then he also kept mentioningthis tree off the side of our
deck, off the side of mymother's porch.
(32:26):
There's no tree off the side ofmy mother's porch, but what
there is off the side of mymother's porch is a tree that
was cut down, that was carvedinto a totem pole that we bought
as a tribute to my dad, and thatI'm staining and working on, and
I'm gonna put at the end of ourdriveway.
Right before this phone call,previous to the you know,
(32:46):
previously uh that day in theafternoon, I was out there with
a small chainsaw carving intothis totem pole, adding some
finishing touches to it.
How would any of this be known?
It was crazy to me.
But hearing him say to my motherhow he's always there with her,
(33:10):
and that he's always loved her,and he will always love her, and
how proud he is of her, andhearing him say how great she is
with her granddaughter.
And the lady said, Do you do youhave her a lot?
And she says, Yes, and she says,Do you play with her a lot?
And she says, Yes.
She said, Do you sit on thefloor and play with her a lot?
And she says, Yes.
I was today, and she said, hewas sitting next to you.
(33:34):
He wants you to know he wassitting there playing with both
of you.
And he also wants you guys toknow that he met her and that he
knows her.
And she knows him.
(33:56):
And he said, I want you to knowthat I held her first.
I held that little girl first.
Before she came to you.
I was there, I met her, I heldher.
(34:19):
I'm crying now, so you canimagine I was crying then.
So many things were said, somany things were validated.
And she asked my mother, shesaid, Do you dream of him a lot?
And she said, Yes, and she said,Those are real.
(34:40):
That's him.
He likes to come to you indreams.
That's absolutely real.
He goes to all of you in dreams.
And my mother said, um Keithsees him once in a while, but
not much.
He doesn't he doesn't come tosee him very much.
And she said, Oh no.
(35:00):
He does.
He goes to see him all the time.
He just might not remember it,but he goes to him all the time.
He told us that he wanted us tocelebrate today.
He didn't want us to be sadtoday.
He wanted us to do something, hewanted us to celebrate.
(35:22):
And we mentioned that, you know,we just had a big Chinese dinner
and and and um he was saying,like, he wants you to put your
feet up and he wants you toreminisce and he wants you to
remember.
And he said, Do you rememberthat song?
That song used to always playfor you.
I want you to listen to thatsong today, and I want you to
think of me.
(35:43):
So after this call was done, weall came over to my house, and
um there's a tribute that I madefor my father.
It's a slideshow with video.
Um, all the different years offootage I put together and songs
that remind me of my father, thesong he wants my mother to
listen to, so many um funnythings, but powerful things.
(36:07):
I made this amazing tribute formy dad.
I played it at his service, andI haven't watched it since.
I haven't been able to do it.
I've come close to doing it, butI haven't been able to do it.
We came home, we put it on thebig screen, and we watched that
(36:27):
tribute just like my fatherasked me to do.
And I don't know if I've triedthat hard ever in my life.
I was having such a physical andmental breakdown at my emotional
(36:50):
wit's end.
Legitimately feeling like abreaking point.
For 20 minutes or half an hourafter that video, I just had the
urge to throw up.
I didn't know what to do withmyself, I didn't know how to
move, how to think.
And I realized that you mightnot have ever really grieved.
(37:11):
You certainly aren't over this.
I in that moment realize you'realways comparing yourself to
him.
You're telling yourself thatyou're not stacking up next to
him.
It was it was good and it wasdifficult, right?
Great memories, tremendoussadness.
(37:38):
That night I went to sleep andmy father came to me in a dream.
Nothing nothing crazy.
I got up at five in the morning,brought my mother to work, and
on the way to work, my mom saidto me, So?
Did your father come see you?
I said, Yeah, actually he cut meoff in line at Dunkin' Donuts.
And she was like, What?
(37:59):
And I said, Yeah, I was waitingin line at Dunkin' Donuts.
He was in front of me, and allof a sudden he turned around,
looked at me, and said, Huh,thought I'd pop in.
And he paid for his coffee andit was ten dollars and
seventy-nine cents.
I said.
That's all there was, but it'dbe like my dad to say, I thought
I'd pop in.
(38:22):
Well, I dropped my mother off atwork and I came home and I did
the chores outside and I did afew things, and uh, I was just
dragging and I was emotionallybeat, and Paisley and Allie were
still asleep.
So I went back upstairs and Icrawled back into bed, and I
just laid there thinking andstressing and agonizing and
(38:47):
wondering.
And about fifteen or twentyminutes before my wife's alarm
went off, I fell asleep.
And while I was sleeping, I hadthe most realistic dream that I
could ever remember.
(39:12):
In my dream, I was laying in bedwith my wife and my baby, just
like everything was justhappening.
My baby's in the crib, my wife'sright next to me, I'm laying in
bed.
And it's early morning, sun'sup.
Maybe not too early, maybe Iliterally get the feeling it's
(39:32):
nine or ten o'clock in themorning, and the question is,
why are you still in bed?
And while I'm laying in bed, I'mfeeling sorry for myself, and
time's ticking away.
And while I'm laying there, Ihear this beeping, I hear this
backing up.
There's a large truck comingdown the driveway, and I
(39:52):
instantly in my mind hear thebeeping, and I know that's a
propane truck.
I'm getting a delivery today.
And I I get out of bed and Iopen the window, like I open the
blinds, and I look, and there'sthe propane truck.
And for some reason, at thistime, I have this overwhelming
(40:15):
sense of being broke.
I have this overwhelming feelingthat there's no money in my bank
account, that I can't pay mybills, that I don't have enough
money for the mortgage, and thatthat propane tank is dry, and I
have two tanks back there.
And that load of propane isgonna be$800 or$1,000 to pay for
the bill to heat my family'shome.
(40:37):
And I don't have it.
And I ain't gonna have themortgage, and I ain't gonna have
all these other bills.
That's what I'm feeling.
And I turn around and I starthaving a meltdown, and my wife
says, What's the matter?
What's the matter?
And I'm on my knees and I've gotmy my head in my hands on the
mattress, and I'm telling her,I'm sorry.
(40:57):
I'm sorry.
I just can't do it anymore.
And she says, What?
And I said, I'm broke.
I can't afford to take care ofthis family, and there's a bill
outside that I ain't gonna beable to pay.
And I crawl back in bed and I'mcrying, and my wife's holding
me.
I'm having this mentalbreakdown.
(41:20):
And I have all these feelings,I'm experiencing all these
feelings, and I hear my dad yelloutside to the propane delivery
guy.
He yells to him, he walks over,he grabs the bill, and he comes
around and he opens the door tomy house, which goes into my
garage.
And while my dad used to openthe door to my garage, it opened
(41:42):
it so so fast and so hard and soforceful.
You could feel the house shake.
If you're sitting on the couch,it was above the garage, like
door into the garage, and youcould feel it.
You could feel the house shake.
Only my father can move the doorthat way.
I'm laying in bed and I feelthat door.
I feel the house shake.
(42:04):
I can hear his work bootswalking across my garage floor.
I hear the door from the garageinto my house open.
My dad would always open thatdoor, and then from the bottom
of my stairway, he would yell upthe stairs.
Bach! He didn't want to walk thewhole stairs.
(42:27):
He would yell to me, and I wouldgo to the stairs and ask him
what he wanted or what he neededhelp with.
So he's yelling my name, and Iknow at this moment that my
father has the bill from thepropane delivery truck, but I'm
having this meltdown, I'm havingthis breakdown, and I can't
stomach the thought of my dadseeing me this week.
(42:48):
I can't stomach the actual ideathat he's gonna come up here and
see me weeping like a child,broken and defeated, failing his
entire family.
I can't live with it, I can'thandle it.
So I'm trying to yell to him,yeah, yeah, I got it.
And he doesn't hear me becausehe never heard me.
Then I hear his boots coming upthe stairs.
(43:10):
Buck, buck.
And I'm laying in bed and I'mlike, yeah, I know, I'll be
right out.
And I'm trying to get my wife toget up to go to go talk to him.
I'm trying to get Allie to go,but he's moving too fast.
All of a sudden I hear the doorin my kitchen open up.
My dad walks in, and I hearthose big heavy construction
(43:32):
steel-toe boots come walkingacross my kitchen floor.
And I hear him coming into theliving room and I'm yelling,
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
I'll be right out.
And he walks from the kitchen tothe living room, and then he
walks into the doorway into mybedroom, and he stands at the
foot of my bed and he sees melying in bed, crying, broken,
(43:56):
like a defeated child.
And I have to turn around andlook at him and face him.
The one man that I never wantedto let down.
I had to face him and let himsee me for failing.
(44:17):
And I looked at my father, andhe was there and he was real.
He was probably twenty,twenty-five years younger than
when he left this world.
He was a strong masculinehandsome redneck.
(44:48):
I don't believe that I rememberand he looks at me.
Embarrassed.
(45:17):
My dad kneels down at my bedsideand he holds my hand.
And I can feel the calluses.
I can feel his leathery stronghands.
Two or three times the size ofmine.
(45:43):
I hold his hand.
And I say, I'm sorry.
And I just start bawling.
And I say, Dad, I'm sorry.
And I said to him, I don't knowif I can do it anymore.
(46:07):
Dad, I don't think I can dothis.
I'm not you.
I can't do this as good as you,Dad.
I don't think I can do thisanymore.
I can't do this.
And I look over to him and Istart begging and weeping like a
(46:30):
child, and I say, Daddy, tellme.
Can I do this?
And then I looked up and he wasstaring at me, he was staring
into my soul, and his eyes werethese bright white lights.
(46:50):
This amazingly bright, piercingwhite light coming from his
eyes, looking right through me,as if to call my bluff, as if to
calm me out.
As if he was saying with thatone look, Are you kidding me?
(47:11):
Get up.
Of course you can do this.
Get up.
Just like that, without anywords, just a look.
The dream is over.
And I woke up with tearsstreaming down my face.
Going right back to that samereaction I had while watching
(47:32):
the video.
My wife was laying next to me inbed playing on her phone because
she was getting ready to get upto get ready for work.
Saying, wow, didn't reallyexpect that.
So think about this for aminute.
Let's just kind of dig intothis.
Let's uh let's get to the centerof the onion here.
Obviously, an embarrassingdream, not one that you want to
(47:55):
share with everyone, but I'msaying these things to prove a
few things.
Number one, I'm struggling withcomparing myself to my father.
I'm struggling with holding upmy list and his list and
supporting and carrying thisfamily.
I'm struggling with thosethings.
(48:16):
This dream with my father was meas vulnerable as possible.
It was me at my weakest, at abreaking point.
It was me just overcome withemotion, defeated, depleted,
facing all my fears, having totell the man that uh opinion I
(48:36):
valued most in life, saying, I'msorry, I F this up.
I'm gonna lose everything youever built.
I'm at a point right now where Ican't even take care of my
family.
I can't even heat my own home.
That's the dream I was having.
I'm not saying that that'swhat's happening.
I'm saying that's the dream thatI was having.
(48:57):
And those emotions and the way Iwas handling myself, it was
embarrassing.
That dream broke me down to apoint of weakness.
And it forced me to have aconversation with my father that
I was always scared to have.
A conversation to say, I failed.
There's many times in my lifewhere I've sat down with my
(49:19):
father and I've told him, I'msorry, I effed up, I failed, I
screwed this up, I lost this, Ilost the career, I lost the job,
I lost the girl, whatever.
I've had all thoseconversations.
This was me yet again having oneof those conversations.
And as I think back and Irealize, man, all these
(49:39):
emotions, all these doubts, theyall came out right around the
anniversary of my father'spassing.
That's not coincidential.
That's that's fate.
And hearing the conversationfrom the median that said he's
gonna come to you in a dream,and then sure enough, there he
(50:03):
is.
All those those things, theconversations that I had been
scared to have, that I I'm notable to have, I had.
Having the conversation, mymother having that conversation
with the median before my dreamvalidated that these things are
(50:25):
real.
Those conversations prepared mefor the fact that I could have
one of these experiences, andthen having it, it feels more
real because it was validatedbefore whatever happened by the
conversations, by the the minutedetails that came out.
All of it was validated, all ofit was true.
(50:46):
I'm willing to share thisembarrassing dream.
I'm willing to share theseembarrassing, difficult
struggles because I know there'sa massive portion of you
listening right now that are toostruggling.
I know that there's so many ofyou dealing with similar issues
(51:08):
that I have.
You feel like there's some waysyou don't stack up.
There's ways that you're notfulfilling your purpose.
You feel like you're struggling.
If you've lost somebodyextremely close to you that you
love, you're longing for them.
You're earning, you're, you're,you're just spending countless
(51:28):
hours and time wondering whatthey're thinking, what they're
doing, what they would say, howthey would feel.
I'm saying these things becausethere's so many of you that are
in the same shoes that I'm in.
If I'm struggling, then I knowothers are struggling too.
I share these things with you toprovide and to hopefully create
hope.
Hope.
(51:48):
I want today's message to be agreat, massive dose of hopium.
I want everybody to be filledwith hope, to be optimistic.
I want you to know that there islife after this.
I want you to know that ifyou've lost someone close to
you, they're still here withyou.
They're still always there foryou.
(52:11):
Talk to them, put the thingsout, get them out, let them know
how you feel.
I understand it's not going tomake all things better because
it certainly doesn't makeeverything better.
But there's some hope there,there's some comfort there.
If anybody is interested in umspeaking with uh a median, the
(52:34):
lady that we talked to wasgreat, and uh, I would highly
recommend her, and I will giveyou her information.
I don't um have it right nowbecause she's my wife's friend,
but my wife has two people thatshe um has formed a great
relationship with, one of thembeing Kato, and she will get you
that information if you are atall interested.
But I shared this message aftermy father's anniversary to
(52:58):
hopefully highlight a fewthings.
Number one, don't run from yourfeelings, and I know that that's
a Chris Farley line, but don'trun from your your mourning,
like don't run from yourgrieving, but also don't let
(53:19):
that grief swallow you up, don'tlet that grief overcome you.
Acknowledge it, experience it,overcome it.
If you run from it, it's alwaysgonna be there.
Eventually, you're gonna relapseto it.
You understand?
And even if you deal with griefthe best you possibly can,
there's gonna be good days andbad, there's gonna be difficult
days and sad.
It's gonna happen.
(53:40):
I thought I did the best I couldwith grieving.
If you guys have been listening,you'll hear some of those
stories.
But the fact that I couldn'twatch a video for two years, it
brought me back.
The fact that I've been longingfor his approval and I haven't
gotten it.
The fact that I've spent twoyears not hearing somebody say
(54:01):
I'm proud of you, I didn'trealize the difficulty it caused
for me.
We can't run from grief, but wealso can't let it overtake us.
I'm hoping that somewhere intoday's story, somewhere in
today's dream, somewhere intoday's struggle, you realize
(54:22):
that you're not alone.
You're never alone.
I hope there's a great lesson ofhopium here.
Over the past few weeks, we'vetalked about some difficult
things here.
We've talked about Allie'smother committing suicide.
We talked about the young manplaying for the Dallas Cowboys
at 24 years old, could not getover the grief of that he was
(54:43):
suffering with, that he wasstruggling with of his mother's
passing.
In turn, he took his life.
Allie's mother lived so manyyears of her life struggling
with the grief of her father'spassing, and ultimately it was
part of the reason for herdecisions.
I say these things because Istruggle too.
I live with grief too for myfather's past.
(55:04):
And I know so many of youlistening have those same
struggles.
I want y'all to know no matterhow dark it is, there is light.
I want to know, I want y'all toknow no matter how far away they
seem to you, they can be rightby your side tonight.
Talk to them, love them, and doknow that someday, some way you
(55:28):
will be together again.
But today you owe it to them tolive.
Today you owe it to them to liveup to their expectations.
Today you owe it to them to liveup to their hopes and dreams and
aspirations that they have foryou, and you owe it to yourself
to live and fulfill this life ofpurpose that you've been given,
to fulfill and live andexperience all of your dreams.
(55:54):
You owe it to you.
I beg of you, I implore you, Iempower you.
On this day of giving thanks aswe approach Thanksgiving Day,
when you sit down at your dinnertable, give thanks for this life
you live.
All things you have gonethrough, all things you have
(56:14):
grown through, they areblessings given to you.
We are given in this life onlythings that we can handle.
Whatever difficulty it is, thistoo shall pass.
If you are like me and you lostsomeone close to you, count the
blessings for the memories thatyou have.
Count the blessings for thelegacy and the lessons that were
(56:36):
learned and all that history,and be grateful for the fact
that someday, somehow, you'll betogether again.
And know that as you sit down atyour table and you're looking
for ways to feel thankful andblessed, please do know I will
be sitting at mine, counting youas one of my ways of being
(56:58):
thankful and blessed.
Thank you for supporting myAmerican dream.
Have a great effingThanksgiving, everybody.
That's it, and that's all,Biggie Smalls.
(57:25):
If you're allowed proud Americanand you find yourself just
watching or find me on YouTube,Facebook, and Loud Proud
American, Facebook, I'm calledif you're fancy Raman, you want
to find me on Instagram,probably, tickety socket, I'm a
tickety talking, you can find meon all of those loud underscore
(57:50):
underscore things on the gunstructure on the background.
You are joining what you'rehearing.
(58:40):
Now go wash your fucking hands,you filthy savage.
The holiday season has begun with episode 281.
On the eve of Thanksgiving, wefind ourselves grateful,
nostalgic, and optimistic.
It's a powerful encounter.
Two years after my father'spassing shakes me to my core.
All that and more on this week'sepisode of Share the Struggle
(00:25):
Podcast.
Let me tell you something.
Everybody struggles.
The difference is some peoplechoose to go through it and some
choose to grow through it.
The choice is completely yours.
Which one you choose will have avery profound effect on the way
you live your life.
(01:38):
Almighty am I so excited to beback with you?
Oh, it is true.
It is damn true.
Why?
Because I love you, Boo.
Episode 281, the holiday seasonhas officially begun.
I think it's already begunaround here.
As y'all know, I've been doingcraft fairs for a couple of
weeks already.
(01:59):
So uh, you know, I'm I'm feelingI'm feeling quite festive.
I'm like Uncle Festive overhere, okay?
But uh for everybody else, ithas begun.
This episode of the podcastdrops on the eve of
Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving Eve, boys andgirls, chipmunks and squirrels.
You know the holiday where weall gather around, give thanks,
(02:19):
and fill ourselves up till weabout throw up, okay?
That wasn't the great analogythere, but it is what it is.
And then it's also it's it's themajor holiday for me.
It is food and football, givingthanks, counting blessings,
enjoying Thanksgiving dinner,and watching the Dallas Cowboys
who for years have been ruiningholidays for me.
(02:41):
But I'm gonna hope and pray fora good year this year.
Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.
Before we get rocking androlling, I must give thanks to
each and every one of youbecause of you.
We continue to line up weekafter week and keep this
consecutive streak, 281 episodesin the books.
(03:02):
You can find them all onShareTheStruggle Podcast.com or
on all major podcastingplatforms and providers.
But I truly, truly want to saythank you.
It's because of each and everyone of you that we continue to
do this show.
So as I gather around my familytable, I will certainly be
counting y'all as some blessingsand giving thanks for each and
(03:23):
every one of you.
It means so much to me that youcontinue to dial in, to tune in,
to listen in, and so many of youcheck in often and just kind of
share thoughts and recaps onepisodes and all those good
things.
So thank you to each and everyone of you.
Also, welcome a few newlisteners.
I want to welcome into the clubPence in Alabama.
Roll tide?
(03:43):
Pence in Alabama in the houseand Hitchin Headfortshire.
I don't even know.
Hertfordshire.
Hitchin Hertfordshire.
I'm an idiot.
And um, when you hear mepronounce where you're from, you
might second guess yourself onthe decision to tune in and
(04:04):
listen to me.
But I truly hope that my publiceducation that went only as far
as my parents' taxpaying dollarswould take me doesn't offend you
from sticking around.
The fact that I can't read andpronounce your home town
hopefully doesn't keep you fromsticking around because I've
been through it, I've grownthrough it, and I have overcome
(04:25):
all of it.
And uh I'm not saying that mystory or my journey is greater
than anybody else's, but what Iam saying is I'm bold enough and
transparent enough to gatherhere week after week and to
share it because I know whateverit is I'm going through,
whatever it is you are growingthrough, and we have the
courage, boys and girls,chipmunk and squirrels, to say
it, to share it, to put it outthere into the universe, then
(04:47):
there is growth from thosestories, from those struggles.
We can all find a way out.
Success leaves clues.
That's a power trip for y'allright there.
That's a that's a power,powerful, powerful opening to
the show because I'm drinkinghot coffee, which uh man, my
(05:08):
wife hates it when I do that,which is probably why I do it.
Don't tell her.
Oh, wait, she's probably gonnalisten to this.
I say hot coffee because I don'tdrink hot coffee very much.
I only do it in the winterseason or if I find myself uh
either cold or desperate duringthe during the you know peak
months.
But uh it feels like theholidays when I start dipping
(05:31):
into some hot coffee.
So y'all ever change yourcaffeine and then it just hits
different, you know what I mean?
Mix up what you're having, uhswitching to a hot coffee, it's
bringing the heat, no punintended.
So anyway, here I am, folks.
Um we've got kind of a let'scall it a in the in the theme of
Thanksgiving.
Let's call it a cornucopia ofepisodes today.
(05:52):
We got ourselves a realcornucopia of a show today.
Because um I have some heartfeltthings, some funny things, and
just uh random things to sharewith each and every one of you.
And it starts with my dog beingan idiot.
Would you just find a home foryourself?
Good lord.
These dogs will sleep all dayuntil I try to do anything, and
(06:14):
then bada bing, bada boom,they're the loudest two in the
room.
Okay, so I'm gonna go down onthis tangent because this is a
big part of my day today.
We uh we have two dogs.
If y'all don't know the scenariohere, we have uh a horse,
Spirit, and we have a pig,Winston, we have uh two
bulldogs.
(06:34):
We have a French Bulldog,Presley, we have a um English
Bulldog, Folsom, we have a catnamed Cassius, and my mom here
on the property has a yellow labnamed Maggie and a French
Bulldog named Tater.
That's our that's our crop here,okay?
That's the herd that we haveassembled.
And over the past few years, Ihave said, being, mind you,
(06:57):
disclosure, full disclosure,being somebody that has always
grown up with dogs.
I don't remember a moment intime of my life we didn't have
at least one dog.
Actually, there was a goodportion of my my childhood where
me and my father raised huntingdogs.
So I've come accustomed to therealways being dogs around.
And me and my wife came to thedecision listen, when these two
(07:17):
see their way out of here, we'renot bringing another one in
here.
This is it for me.
I'm done with dogs.
Well, that has been my steadfastdecision.
I have not wavered from saiddecision.
I do not regret putting thatstatement out into the universe.
Now, that brings you to today.
Because last week, a greatfriend of mine, somebody that uh
(07:38):
I love and appreciate and holddear to myself and my family,
feels that same way about him.
He will give the shirt off hisback to help someone.
He stopped living the life thathe wanted to live and uprooted
himself from down south to upnorth to take care of one of his
best friends, probably hisactually I could say best
friend, who was dying withcancer.
(08:00):
He put his life on hold to comeup here and take care of him.
And he's been here the entiretime since.
And uh it's time for him to gohome, and um, he really wants to
leave, and he's not sure theexact direction and what his
plan is, but he wants to go backdown south, rightfully so.
That's where he that's where hewas living before his friend got
(08:20):
sick.
And um, with that said, he has avery beautiful English bulldog
that um we've we've met himsince he was a pup, right?
He's come over here and playedon the lawn and hung out since
he was a pup.
Um he sat in the parking lotwith me selling t-shirts at
Bentley Saloon, and um my friendreached out and said, Listen,
(08:44):
man, um I gotta do somelife-changing, I gotta make some
moves, and I would really liketo know if uh your daughter can
have my dog.
You son of a bitch.
You low blow son of a bitch.
Your daughter?
I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
So after a lot of debate, massdebate, shall I say, uh, a lot
(09:08):
of in-depth conversation overthis.
And uh I gotta be honest, man.
We have a modest livingscenario.
We live in an in-law above agarage.
My mom has the big farmhousenext door.
So there's my wife, my baby, andtwo dogs here right now.
Welcoming a third is gonna makethis rather difficult.
But after a lot of uh thoughtand consideration, we really
(09:29):
want to be there for our friendbecause he would always be there
for us.
And uh, I truly do honestly knowthat he really wants this to be
um little Paisley's dog.
So what we're gonna do is ourold English bulldog, our our
he's not old English, he'sEnglish, but he's old.
You know what I'm saying?
He's having a hard time gettingup and down the stairs.
We're gonna relocate his kennelto our heated garage, which is
(09:52):
our basement, and uh he's gonnaspend days up here and stuff,
but it's getting tougher for himto go up and down the stairs.
He likes hanging out in thegarage.
We're gonna set up a uh a boys'pad down there.
They've already got TVs andcouches and uh all that good
stuff and uh and heat, andthey're gonna hang out down
there.
And um, to prevent the fightsand um the jealousy, I think the
(10:15):
the lady of the group, um,Presley the Frenchie is gonna
kind of roam around upstairs atnight.
We're gonna have the two boyssleep together.
That'll help the young one getacclimated to surroundings.
This all sounds good in theory.
I don't really know how this isall gonna go, but the truth is,
as soon as I'm done recordinghere with y'all today, uh we're
loading the family up, and uhwe're heading to a few towns
(10:38):
south to uh welcome a new memberto the family.
So uh going to cook up anotherEnglish bowl.
I said I would never do it, butuh what do they say about kids?
They always get what they want.
Have they ever said that, or amI just saying that so that I can
justify what's happening here?
But that's what's happening.
So, man, that's a confessional.
(11:00):
What is the Cavela's catalog?
I just put my left hand on thatcatalog, beat the little eyes of
this guy, the truth from thisguy.
I've lost all control of myhouse.
Okay?
I've lost all control of myhouse.
It's true.
It's damn true.
I don't know what the hell I'mgonna do.
Man.
And I'm rambling at this point.
(11:20):
I know I have a lot of things inmy on my mind that I want to put
out there today, but I'mactually well over caffeinated
and um under a timeline, under acrunch, and um looking forward
to a holiday brunch.
You know what I'm saying?
Everything's everything's goingcrazy.
We uh had there's been a lot ofmoving parts here at the Liberty
(11:41):
Ponderosa.
I'm gonna have the wife join menext week and share some of that
with you.
But there's been a lot of movingparts over here, and Loud Pride
America in the business istrying to prepare for the
holiday season, getting readyfor Black Friday, getting ready
for uh small business Saturday.
I'm gonna put this out there toyou guys right now.
Please, please, please payattention to our socials.
(12:02):
Take advantage of some greatdeals and help provide Christmas
for my family over here, okay?
Just uh get out there andsupport Loud Proud American.
Don't forget the best gifts youcan give this holiday season are
proudly made in the US of A.
Okay?
Find all those things over toloudproudamerican.shop.
Get yourself something reallynice.
(12:23):
But look, look for some activitycoming up there um for the end
of the week.
So be ready.
You're gonna be pounded in theface with information for me in
the next coming weeks over LoudProud American and uh as we try
to position ourselves for thebest holiday season we could
possibly have.
So looking forward to that.
But those are some of the movingparts in the background, getting
(12:44):
a lot of farm stuff doneoutside.
Um, again, I want to say somethings that have been happening
around here, but I'm gonna waitto share those with the wife.
But what I am gonna say to y'allis that last week, after I
recorded um last week's episode,episode 280, uh, the very next
day, actually, was my father'sanniversary.
It was my father's death dateanniversary, two years later.
(13:08):
Um, if you guys have beenlistening along, then you know
it's also the anniversary ofEllie's grandmother's passing.
Um same date, different years,but it's um it's a difficult day
for all of us here for multiplereasons.
And um, this year happens to beuh year two, the second year
(13:29):
since my father's passing.
And I really feel like now thatI look back on it, and as I
always like to say, when yousprinkle time and distance on
it, things kind of make sense,right?
Things start to come clear, thepicture starts to make sense,
and um I didn't realize this,but last year I felt the same
(13:49):
way, not even realizing the dateas it built up and got closer
and closer.
I found myself struggling.
I found myself doing things thatmy father would do, but I found
myself struggling to add up towhat my father used to do.
I find myself with a lot of umimposter syndrome, I find myself
self-sabotaging, I find myselffull of self-doubt.
(14:12):
And um lo and behold, here I amagain, folks, because I really
went through um some difficulttimes of struggle and and deep
thought.
And I spent a lot of time justreally assessing who I am and
where I am.
(14:32):
And you guys have been listeningalong, you know that I'm proud
of the business, and all thosethings are great, and we're
having those conversations.
But in the background, there'ssomething else, it's not just
the business, it's just life,right?
It's looking around at all thethings me and my father built.
We built so much horse fencearound here, and it's all
starting to collapse.
Um, we used hardwood, but we'vehad a lot of wet seasons, and
(14:55):
our fences are starting to cavein, and there's a lot of overall
maintenance out there.
There's barn maintenance thatneeds to happen, driveway
maintenance, lawn, fields, allthese different things, and
stuff that me and my dad used todo, but it's also a painful
symbol when days before yourfather's anniversary, his death
anniversary, days before thelast time, two years ago that
(15:17):
you held your father's hand, youlook outside and you see a
project that you spent so muchtime together on, tipped over in
the field, and you gotta run outthere and pick it back up before
you can even let the horse out.
That symbolism of those thingsdying has really picked away at
me.
It shooed away at me.
(15:37):
And I'm also somebody that isnormally, I will say this, I'm
not a real organized individual,but I am pretty efficient when
it comes to getting my thingsdone.
And part of the way of doingthat is being organized and
having my task list, my to-dolist.
If you guys have been listeningthrough all the years, you know
that I like to write everythingdown and I get a real kick out
(15:58):
of taking that highlighter andcrossing it off the list.
That real dopamine kick, thatsatisfaction breakdown that I
get as soon as I can scrubsomething off the list.
And I have all these differenthighlighters for different
colors for different days, so Ican look down at that at that
sheet of paper and go, well,buddy, that's a lot of yellow
today.
Okay?
Not a lot of pink tomorrow, andif it's not a lot of pink, then
(16:19):
I better get back to work.
You know what I'm saying?
So what I just realized in aconversation with one of my best
friends the other day is that umI'm feeling rather overwhelmed
with my to-do list and all thethings that I have to do, but I
haven't written them down.
I have not put them, I have notput pen to paper, pencil to pad,
I have not structured things outlike I normally would.
(16:41):
And I realized you're notwriting all these things down
because you're preparing forbeing overwhelmed by the size of
the list.
And I guess in my mind, the fearof the size of the list has
created this uh ball of anxietyinside myself that says, if you
(17:01):
don't worry about it and youjust knock something out, cross
this off, get that done.
And you just keep putting onefoot forward one in front of the
other, and you try to get thatone thing done, then you know,
when you take the time to writethat list, it ain't gonna be so
long.
But in actuality, it's beencounterproductive because then
all these things which areswirling on the back of my mind
that needs to be done.
(17:21):
This has all led to me comparingmyself to my father.
This has all led me to doubtingwhether I can lead this family
the way my father did.
It leaves me wondering how inthe ever loving world he ever
did it.
When I think about him runninghis own business, raising his
family, taking care of this landand all the tasks at hand, and I
(17:43):
remember all the times he saidto me, Just wait, boy.
You just wait till you gotta dothis shit yourself.
It ain't that easy.
And Lord have mercy, he was notwrong.
It ain't easy.
And um I've gotten to the pointof being overwhelmed, and I got
to the point of asking myself ifI will ever live up to my
(18:05):
father's footsteps, if I willever live up to his
expectations, and if I make himproud.
Now, if you know me and you knowthis story, and if you go back
to two years ago and you listento the eulogy I gave from my
father, you know that I know howproud he is of me because he
said it to me every single day.
But I guess the lapse that hashappened two years later of not
(18:29):
hearing my father tell me everysingle day how proud he is of me
has created this void in me, avacuum in me, not knowing if I'm
still making my father proud,always questioning, always
wondering whether I'm making myfather proud.
Now, my wife and my mother getall these signs from my dad.
I don't know if you guys believein the spiritual side of life.
(18:50):
I don't know if you if youbelieve in this, but um, we
wholeheartedly do.
Those two more so than myself,but I do look for little things.
And um, if you guys, I hate tokeep saying this phrase, but if
you've been listening, if you'vebeen going along with the story,
then you know that my father'ssymbol for us is an eagle.
He comes back as a bald eagle.
(19:11):
It's not something that you canignore because how often do you
see a friggin' bald eagle?
And growing up, all up until mydad passed, so two years ago, so
at up until being 41, I probablysaw two bald eagles in my entire
life.
Since my dad's passing, I'veprobably seen 15 or 20.
Okay?
Think about that, all right?
(19:32):
And I've seen them all over theplace.
I've seen them in Florida, andI've seen them at my house.
I've seen them all over theplace.
When I was traveling to Bangor,one was circling, flying right
alongside me, and a borrowed boxtruck heading to my latest
event.
I see bald eagles.
My family sees bald eagles.
My my mother and and my wife andmy baby were on a trip last
(19:54):
weekend, on a little road trip,to do something important and
special for my wife that we'regonna share with you in the
coming weeks.
And on that trip, they literallyran right next to a bald eagle.
So he's always there, he'salways guiding us.
But they always have thesedifferent interactions and
feelings of his presence that Idon't always get.
(20:16):
I do often feel that my littlegirl knows who my dad is.
And for Christmas last year, Iactually photoshopped a photo of
my father holding my daughter.
And uh the photo was actuallyhim holding a snapping turtle, a
massive 30-pound, 40-poundsnapping turtle.
And uh the way he was holdingthat turtle, I was like, he
(20:37):
would hold a baby the same way.
So I photoshopped uh my baby, mylittle girl, into this picture
and uh had it printed to lookand designed more like a like a
painting, like an oil painting.
And I made a custom frame forit, and I gave it to my mother
on Christmas.
And now she hangs that in mylittle girl's nursery at my
mom's house, and it's right overher crib in her changing area.
(21:00):
And when you bring Paisley inthere to change her, she'll look
and stare a bit at that picture.
And when you get up to leave,she will say papa.
She'll say it.
She doesn't have very many wordsright now, folks, and she can
say papa without us reallyteaching it.
Because my dad's not here,right?
And she'll say papa, and she'llpoint to that photo and she'll
(21:23):
laugh and she'll giggle.
And um there's certain timeswhere I'm like, man, this little
girl's talking to my dad.
I know it.
And there's expressions that shegives, there's these facial
expressions that she gives,there's these different
animations that she does thatare my dad.
That's what my dad would do.
The there's so many things thatI remember my dad doing to
(21:47):
babies, like the smoochy kissface that he would do, she does
it.
Um the little way that shewrinkles her nose and scowls
with her eyes, these things thatshe does, they're playful things
that my dad would do.
So I know, without physicallybeing there, without him
physically being here or mephysically being there when they
(22:07):
met, I know they've met, and Iknow that that she somehow,
someway feels him, sees him, andknows him.
So those are my experiences, butmy my my mother and my wife keep
having these different thesedifferent feelings and and and
validations that I don't reallyhave.
And it leads to that void in me.
It leads to me asking if he'sstill proud of me.
(22:33):
It leads to me wondering if he'swatching me and saying, Buck,
what the F are you doing, man?
What are you doing down there?
Get your shit together,straighten out and figure this
out.
I taught you better than this.
You shouldn't be struggling likethis.
My dad was a no take no shitkind of guy.
And I often wonder if he sitsback and just says, Boy, you
(22:56):
ain't given enough.
And not being able to have theconversation with him um makes
it tough.
It makes me wonder even more.
So that's my side of the story.
But the other side of the storyis my mother, and I don't want
to speak too much for her, but Ican say that my mother is
(23:19):
hurting, and I can say that itpains me to see her hurt, and
she's doing the best she can tobe the best she can, and she's
an amazing meme moda littlePaisley, and she's been a
tremendous blessing to thisfamily, and she's um literally
kept us together.
And my mom's doing the absolutebest she can, but I know she's
(23:40):
lonely and I know she's hurt,and um, I know she has
questions, and I know thatthere's things that she needs
and and answers that she wants,and I just don't know, and I
just can't do.
As we peel back this onion evenmore, I will tell you guys that
(24:01):
my wife loves being on TikTok.
My wife uh has this littlecommunity on TikTok, and she has
become a moderator for people onTikTok.
And what that means is she willget into your feed and they
will, you know, invite her inand she will monitor the chat
and she'll kick out any of thetrolls and the nonsense, and she
(24:21):
delegates the right questionsand you know, and just takes
care of the feed, and she's doneit for me when I'm live, and it
makes a tremendous difference.
So I know the people that shedoes it for uh really appreciate
it.
One lady in particular, Kato,who's a medium, and um, you
know, she's had manyconversations and readings with
Kato, and we've shared some ofthose on here.
(24:43):
And there's another lady that II really feel bad at this moment
that I don't remember her name,and uh I'm gonna have to get
that and share that on here andmaybe send a little push in case
you guys are on TikTok and youwant to find her and you want to
check her out.
Um she did a reading for my wifea couple weeks ago, and um she
(25:06):
did this reading for my wife forfree for all the work that she
does.
And um my wife validated that itwas real by the stories that
were told about the messagesthat came forward from her
grandmother and from her mother.
It was validated and it was itwas truthful, so she knew that
it was right.
And to my wife's credit, withher big heart, she had a
(25:29):
conversation with this lady andshe said, I lost my
father-in-law two years ago.
The anniversary of his death isnext week, and I think it would
be tremendous if you could do areading for his wife.
So we didn't tell my mother, andon my dad's anniversary, we
(25:55):
planned this special call, thisum FaceTime video call, and we
didn't tell my mother, and mymom, as luck would have it, she
was sick and she was feelingdown and obviously depressed
like all of us.
And she uh she spent a lot oftime with the baby that day and
(26:16):
uh just trying to cheer herselfup, and then we dragged her out
of the house, brought her to thestore just to get out of the
house, and then we went and gotChinese food takeout, and we
came home and we had this bigChinese takeout poo-poo platter
extravaganza with the family.
My wife and my baby, my motherand myself, that unit, that
tribe that we formed.
(26:36):
And at the end of dinner, mywife gets a FaceTime call, and
she comes down the hallway to mymom and she says, This calls for
you.
My mom says, What?
And she doesn't know what'sgoing on, and she goes to sit
down, and the lady says to mymom, she says, This calls for
(26:56):
you because we're gonna talk toArthur today.
Today we're gonna talk to Art.
My mom started gettingemotional, she didn't know what
to think.
I left the room.
I was sitting in the living roomholding my baby, and I could
listen and hear both sides ofthe conversation, everything
(27:18):
that lady was saying, and howtrue it was.
My dad started by talking abouthis two boys.
My dad has seven kids.
It's a very um difficult and uhinteresting group with a unique
history, let's say.
(27:39):
But there's two boys that my dadheld true to that were always
there for him, and he was alwaysthere for, and that's me, my
brother David.
David has passed, but my dad'ssaying that I knew instantly
that's my dad.
Like I I know.
And they started talking, andshe started describing my dad
and his his attitude and hispersonality and his build, his
(28:03):
stature.
And um she kept talking abouthim being outside on the woods,
and and she was talking aboutthe size of his hands and the
calluses on his hands, and shestarted sharing things about his
personality that nobody wouldknow, and she started talking
about the fact that he could bereally abrasive and come off as
(28:23):
a real asshole to most people,except my mother.
And that to my mother he alwaysshowed her his softer side, and
that he was a teddy bear forher, and he continued to talk
about how much he loved her, andhe started to share things to
validate that this was real.
He started to share things andsay about their first dates,
(28:47):
going roller skating.
I never even envisioned my dadroller skating.
But talking about their firstdate, they were married for 42
years, I want to say.
This stuff can't be made up.
You're not gonna research this.
My mom is not on Facebook shestarts talking about the small,
intimate wedding that they hadand how special it was, and that
(29:09):
it was just a real tiny, tinywedding.
But she started talking aboutthose things.
She started mentioning my dad'sfavorite song that he used to
play for my mother.
All these things she justwouldn't get anywhere else.
And she also shared so manyspecial things for my mother,
and um I can't remember how longthis reading went, but halfway
(29:33):
through I just sat on the chairhugging my baby girl and bawling
my eyes out.
I was so grateful, I was sohopeful, I was so content for my
mother having that conversation.
All of her her thoughts, all ofum her emotions, the times that
she thinks, I really think yourfather was here to see me last
(29:55):
night.
I felt your father here today.
It was all validated.
It was all validated.
The lady started asking mymother certain things like, do
you all of a sudden hear the TVramp up at random hours, the
volume going all the way up andcoming all the way down?
That's him messing with you.
When you're sitting in bedwatching TV and you're talking
(30:17):
to him and you're feelingstressed out, he's next to you.
He knows those conversations.
Have you ever felt the mattressmove?
That's him sitting at the footof the bed.
And she started talking aboutall these things and asked my
mother, have you ever felt this?
Have you ever seen this?
Have you ever experienced this?
My mom said yes to those things,and she would describe those
(30:38):
things and say, This isvalidation.
He wants you to know that thatis him.
He wants you to know that he isalways around.
He wants you to know that he'salways around, all of you.
He also wants you to know thathe comes back as a bird of great
significance.
And she started discussing allthese things.
And she started talking about,she started mentioning a um a
(30:58):
Christmas sock.
She was talking about how tightwe were as a family, as a unit,
how tight we've become sincehe's passed.
And he was talking about thisChristmas sock.
Well, what I gotta tell youfolks is about an hour or two
before this conversation, wewere at Walmart, and my mother
(31:21):
was on the hunt to find a newChristmas sock for Paisley.
And she wanted her to have abluey Christmas sock.
And she'd been hunting around atall these stores saying she
couldn't find it, and shefinally found it, and she was so
excited to buy Paisley a blueythemed Christmas sock.
How would this lady know this?
And how would my dad know thisif he wasn't there in the store
(31:44):
with us?
All of these things, hementioned a tree.
He my mom he started asking mymom about a tree and um what the
significance is and what theplan was with a tree.
And my dad's friends pitched inand sent some money, and
together we wanted to gettogether and and and buy my dad
(32:05):
a tree, plant a nice new treefor him as a monument.
And he was giddy about that, andhe kept talking about that, and
he kept saying, you know, Ithink that you should um put it
in a place where you can sitwith it and you can talk to and
you can hang out.
And then he also kept mentioningthis tree off the side of our
deck, off the side of mymother's porch.
(32:26):
There's no tree off the side ofmy mother's porch, but what
there is off the side of mymother's porch is a tree that
was cut down, that was carvedinto a totem pole that we bought
as a tribute to my dad, and thatI'm staining and working on, and
I'm gonna put at the end of ourdriveway.
Right before this phone call,previous to the you know,
(32:46):
previously uh that day in theafternoon, I was out there with
a small chainsaw carving intothis totem pole, adding some
finishing touches to it.
How would any of this be known?
It was crazy to me.
But hearing him say to my motherhow he's always there with her,
(33:10):
and that he's always loved her,and he will always love her, and
how proud he is of her, andhearing him say how great she is
with her granddaughter.
And the lady said, Do you do youhave her a lot?
And she says, Yes, and she says,Do you play with her a lot?
And she says, Yes.
She said, Do you sit on thefloor and play with her a lot?
And she says, Yes.
I was today, and she said, hewas sitting next to you.
(33:34):
He wants you to know he wassitting there playing with both
of you.
And he also wants you guys toknow that he met her and that he
knows her.
And she knows him.
(33:56):
And he said, I want you to knowthat I held her first.
I held that little girl first.
Before she came to you.
I was there, I met her, I heldher.
(34:19):
I'm crying now, so you canimagine I was crying then.
So many things were said, somany things were validated.
And she asked my mother, shesaid, Do you dream of him a lot?
And she said, Yes, and she said,Those are real.
(34:40):
That's him.
He likes to come to you indreams.
That's absolutely real.
He goes to all of you in dreams.
And my mother said, um Keithsees him once in a while, but
not much.
He doesn't he doesn't come tosee him very much.
And she said, Oh no.
(35:00):
He does.
He goes to see him all the time.
He just might not remember it,but he goes to him all the time.
He told us that he wanted us tocelebrate today.
He didn't want us to be sadtoday.
He wanted us to do something, hewanted us to celebrate.
(35:22):
And we mentioned that, you know,we just had a big Chinese dinner
and and and um he was saying,like, he wants you to put your
feet up and he wants you toreminisce and he wants you to
remember.
And he said, Do you rememberthat song?
That song used to always playfor you.
I want you to listen to thatsong today, and I want you to
think of me.
(35:43):
So after this call was done, weall came over to my house, and
um there's a tribute that I madefor my father.
It's a slideshow with video.
Um, all the different years offootage I put together and songs
that remind me of my father, thesong he wants my mother to
listen to, so many um funnythings, but powerful things.
(36:07):
I made this amazing tribute formy dad.
I played it at his service, andI haven't watched it since.
I haven't been able to do it.
I've come close to doing it, butI haven't been able to do it.
We came home, we put it on thebig screen, and we watched that
(36:27):
tribute just like my fatherasked me to do.
And I don't know if I've triedthat hard ever in my life.
I was having such a physical andmental breakdown at my emotional
(36:50):
wit's end.
Legitimately feeling like abreaking point.
For 20 minutes or half an hourafter that video, I just had the
urge to throw up.
I didn't know what to do withmyself, I didn't know how to
move, how to think.
And I realized that you mightnot have ever really grieved.
(37:11):
You certainly aren't over this.
I in that moment realize you'realways comparing yourself to
him.
You're telling yourself thatyou're not stacking up next to
him.
It was it was good and it wasdifficult, right?
Great memories, tremendoussadness.
(37:38):
That night I went to sleep andmy father came to me in a dream.
Nothing nothing crazy.
I got up at five in the morning,brought my mother to work, and
on the way to work, my mom saidto me, So?
Did your father come see you?
I said, Yeah, actually he cut meoff in line at Dunkin' Donuts.
And she was like, What?
(37:59):
And I said, Yeah, I was waitingin line at Dunkin' Donuts.
He was in front of me, and allof a sudden he turned around,
looked at me, and said, Huh,thought I'd pop in.
And he paid for his coffee andit was ten dollars and
seventy-nine cents.
I said.
That's all there was, but it'dbe like my dad to say, I thought
I'd pop in.
(38:22):
Well, I dropped my mother off atwork and I came home and I did
the chores outside and I did afew things, and uh, I was just
dragging and I was emotionallybeat, and Paisley and Allie were
still asleep.
So I went back upstairs and Icrawled back into bed, and I
just laid there thinking andstressing and agonizing and
(38:47):
wondering.
And about fifteen or twentyminutes before my wife's alarm
went off, I fell asleep.
And while I was sleeping, I hadthe most realistic dream that I
could ever remember.
(39:12):
In my dream, I was laying in bedwith my wife and my baby, just
like everything was justhappening.
My baby's in the crib, my wife'sright next to me, I'm laying in
bed.
And it's early morning, sun'sup.
Maybe not too early, maybe Iliterally get the feeling it's
(39:32):
nine or ten o'clock in themorning, and the question is,
why are you still in bed?
And while I'm laying in bed, I'mfeeling sorry for myself, and
time's ticking away.
And while I'm laying there, Ihear this beeping, I hear this
backing up.
There's a large truck comingdown the driveway, and I
(39:52):
instantly in my mind hear thebeeping, and I know that's a
propane truck.
I'm getting a delivery today.
And I I get out of bed and Iopen the window, like I open the
blinds, and I look, and there'sthe propane truck.
And for some reason, at thistime, I have this overwhelming
(40:15):
sense of being broke.
I have this overwhelming feelingthat there's no money in my bank
account, that I can't pay mybills, that I don't have enough
money for the mortgage, and thatthat propane tank is dry, and I
have two tanks back there.
And that load of propane isgonna be$800 or$1,000 to pay for
the bill to heat my family'shome.
(40:37):
And I don't have it.
And I ain't gonna have themortgage, and I ain't gonna have
all these other bills.
That's what I'm feeling.
And I turn around and I starthaving a meltdown, and my wife
says, What's the matter?
What's the matter?
And I'm on my knees and I've gotmy my head in my hands on the
mattress, and I'm telling her,I'm sorry.
(40:57):
I'm sorry.
I just can't do it anymore.
And she says, What?
And I said, I'm broke.
I can't afford to take care ofthis family, and there's a bill
outside that I ain't gonna beable to pay.
And I crawl back in bed and I'mcrying, and my wife's holding
me.
I'm having this mentalbreakdown.
(41:20):
And I have all these feelings,I'm experiencing all these
feelings, and I hear my dad yelloutside to the propane delivery
guy.
He yells to him, he walks over,he grabs the bill, and he comes
around and he opens the door tomy house, which goes into my
garage.
And while my dad used to openthe door to my garage, it opened
(41:42):
it so so fast and so hard and soforceful.
You could feel the house shake.
If you're sitting on the couch,it was above the garage, like
door into the garage, and youcould feel it.
You could feel the house shake.
Only my father can move the doorthat way.
I'm laying in bed and I feelthat door.
I feel the house shake.
(42:04):
I can hear his work bootswalking across my garage floor.
I hear the door from the garageinto my house open.
My dad would always open thatdoor, and then from the bottom
of my stairway, he would yell upthe stairs.
Bach! He didn't want to walk thewhole stairs.
(42:27):
He would yell to me, and I wouldgo to the stairs and ask him
what he wanted or what he neededhelp with.
So he's yelling my name, and Iknow at this moment that my
father has the bill from thepropane delivery truck, but I'm
having this meltdown, I'm havingthis breakdown, and I can't
stomach the thought of my dadseeing me this week.
(42:48):
I can't stomach the actual ideathat he's gonna come up here and
see me weeping like a child,broken and defeated, failing his
entire family.
I can't live with it, I can'thandle it.
So I'm trying to yell to him,yeah, yeah, I got it.
And he doesn't hear me becausehe never heard me.
Then I hear his boots coming upthe stairs.
(43:10):
Buck, buck.
And I'm laying in bed and I'mlike, yeah, I know, I'll be
right out.
And I'm trying to get my wife toget up to go to go talk to him.
I'm trying to get Allie to go,but he's moving too fast.
All of a sudden I hear the doorin my kitchen open up.
My dad walks in, and I hearthose big heavy construction
(43:32):
steel-toe boots come walkingacross my kitchen floor.
And I hear him coming into theliving room and I'm yelling,
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
I'll be right out.
And he walks from the kitchen tothe living room, and then he
walks into the doorway into mybedroom, and he stands at the
foot of my bed and he sees melying in bed, crying, broken,
(43:56):
like a defeated child.
And I have to turn around andlook at him and face him.
The one man that I never wantedto let down.
I had to face him and let himsee me for failing.
(44:17):
And I looked at my father, andhe was there and he was real.
He was probably twenty,twenty-five years younger than
when he left this world.
He was a strong masculinehandsome redneck.
(44:48):
I don't believe that I rememberand he looks at me.
Embarrassed.
(45:17):
My dad kneels down at my bedsideand he holds my hand.
And I can feel the calluses.
I can feel his leathery stronghands.
Two or three times the size ofmine.
(45:43):
I hold his hand.
And I say, I'm sorry.
And I just start bawling.
And I say, Dad, I'm sorry.
And I said to him, I don't knowif I can do it anymore.
(46:07):
Dad, I don't think I can dothis.
I'm not you.
I can't do this as good as you,Dad.
I don't think I can do thisanymore.
I can't do this.
And I look over to him and Istart begging and weeping like a
(46:30):
child, and I say, Daddy, tellme.
Can I do this?
And then I looked up and he wasstaring at me, he was staring
into my soul, and his eyes werethese bright white lights.
(46:50):
This amazingly bright, piercingwhite light coming from his
eyes, looking right through me,as if to call my bluff, as if to
calm me out.
As if he was saying with thatone look, Are you kidding me?
(47:11):
Get up.
Of course you can do this.
Get up.
Just like that, without anywords, just a look.
The dream is over.
And I woke up with tearsstreaming down my face.
Going right back to that samereaction I had while watching
(47:32):
the video.
My wife was laying next to me inbed playing on her phone because
she was getting ready to get upto get ready for work.
Saying, wow, didn't reallyexpect that.
So think about this for aminute.
Let's just kind of dig intothis.
Let's uh let's get to the centerof the onion here.
Obviously, an embarrassingdream, not one that you want to
(47:55):
share with everyone, but I'msaying these things to prove a
few things.
Number one, I'm struggling withcomparing myself to my father.
I'm struggling with holding upmy list and his list and
supporting and carrying thisfamily.
I'm struggling with thosethings.
(48:16):
This dream with my father was meas vulnerable as possible.
It was me at my weakest, at abreaking point.
It was me just overcome withemotion, defeated, depleted,
facing all my fears, having totell the man that uh opinion I
(48:36):
valued most in life, saying, I'msorry, I F this up.
I'm gonna lose everything youever built.
I'm at a point right now where Ican't even take care of my
family.
I can't even heat my own home.
That's the dream I was having.
I'm not saying that that'swhat's happening.
I'm saying that's the dream thatI was having.
(48:57):
And those emotions and the way Iwas handling myself, it was
embarrassing.
That dream broke me down to apoint of weakness.
And it forced me to have aconversation with my father that
I was always scared to have.
A conversation to say, I failed.
There's many times in my lifewhere I've sat down with my
(49:19):
father and I've told him, I'msorry, I effed up, I failed, I
screwed this up, I lost this, Ilost the career, I lost the job,
I lost the girl, whatever.
I've had all thoseconversations.
This was me yet again having oneof those conversations.
And as I think back and Irealize, man, all these
(49:39):
emotions, all these doubts, theyall came out right around the
anniversary of my father'spassing.
That's not coincidential.
That's that's fate.
And hearing the conversationfrom the median that said he's
gonna come to you in a dream,and then sure enough, there he
(50:03):
is.
All those those things, theconversations that I had been
scared to have, that I I'm notable to have, I had.
Having the conversation, mymother having that conversation
with the median before my dreamvalidated that these things are
(50:25):
real.
Those conversations prepared mefor the fact that I could have
one of these experiences, andthen having it, it feels more
real because it was validatedbefore whatever happened by the
conversations, by the the minutedetails that came out.
All of it was validated, all ofit was true.
(50:46):
I'm willing to share thisembarrassing dream.
I'm willing to share theseembarrassing, difficult
struggles because I know there'sa massive portion of you
listening right now that are toostruggling.
I know that there's so many ofyou dealing with similar issues
(51:08):
that I have.
You feel like there's some waysyou don't stack up.
There's ways that you're notfulfilling your purpose.
You feel like you're struggling.
If you've lost somebodyextremely close to you that you
love, you're longing for them.
You're earning, you're, you're,you're just spending countless
(51:28):
hours and time wondering whatthey're thinking, what they're
doing, what they would say, howthey would feel.
I'm saying these things becausethere's so many of you that are
in the same shoes that I'm in.
If I'm struggling, then I knowothers are struggling too.
I share these things with you toprovide and to hopefully create
hope.
Hope.
(51:48):
I want today's message to be agreat, massive dose of hopium.
I want everybody to be filledwith hope, to be optimistic.
I want you to know that there islife after this.
I want you to know that ifyou've lost someone close to
you, they're still here withyou.
They're still always there foryou.
(52:11):
Talk to them, put the thingsout, get them out, let them know
how you feel.
I understand it's not going tomake all things better because
it certainly doesn't makeeverything better.
But there's some hope there,there's some comfort there.
If anybody is interested in umspeaking with uh a median, the
(52:34):
lady that we talked to wasgreat, and uh, I would highly
recommend her, and I will giveyou her information.
I don't um have it right nowbecause she's my wife's friend,
but my wife has two people thatshe um has formed a great
relationship with, one of thembeing Kato, and she will get you
that information if you are atall interested.
But I shared this message aftermy father's anniversary to
(52:58):
hopefully highlight a fewthings.
Number one, don't run from yourfeelings, and I know that that's
a Chris Farley line, but don'trun from your your mourning,
like don't run from yourgrieving, but also don't let
(53:19):
that grief swallow you up, don'tlet that grief overcome you.
Acknowledge it, experience it,overcome it.
If you run from it, it's alwaysgonna be there.
Eventually, you're gonna relapseto it.
You understand?
And even if you deal with griefthe best you possibly can,
there's gonna be good days andbad, there's gonna be difficult
days and sad.
It's gonna happen.
(53:40):
I thought I did the best I couldwith grieving.
If you guys have been listening,you'll hear some of those
stories.
But the fact that I couldn'twatch a video for two years, it
brought me back.
The fact that I've been longingfor his approval and I haven't
gotten it.
The fact that I've spent twoyears not hearing somebody say
(54:01):
I'm proud of you, I didn'trealize the difficulty it caused
for me.
We can't run from grief, but wealso can't let it overtake us.
I'm hoping that somewhere intoday's story, somewhere in
today's dream, somewhere intoday's struggle, you realize
(54:22):
that you're not alone.
You're never alone.
I hope there's a great lesson ofhopium here.
Over the past few weeks, we'vetalked about some difficult
things here.
We've talked about Allie'smother committing suicide.
We talked about the young manplaying for the Dallas Cowboys
at 24 years old, could not getover the grief of that he was
(54:43):
suffering with, that he wasstruggling with of his mother's
passing.
In turn, he took his life.
Allie's mother lived so manyyears of her life struggling
with the grief of her father'spassing, and ultimately it was
part of the reason for herdecisions.
I say these things because Istruggle too.
I live with grief too for myfather's past.
(55:04):
And I know so many of youlistening have those same
struggles.
I want y'all to know no matterhow dark it is, there is light.
I want to know, I want y'all toknow no matter how far away they
seem to you, they can be rightby your side tonight.
Talk to them, love them, and doknow that someday, some way you
(55:28):
will be together again.
But today you owe it to them tolive.
Today you owe it to them to liveup to their expectations.
Today you owe it to them to liveup to their hopes and dreams and
aspirations that they have foryou, and you owe it to yourself
to live and fulfill this life ofpurpose that you've been given,
to fulfill and live andexperience all of your dreams.
(55:54):
You owe it to you.
I beg of you, I implore you, Iempower you.
On this day of giving thanks aswe approach Thanksgiving Day,
when you sit down at your dinnertable, give thanks for this life
you live.
All things you have gonethrough, all things you have
(56:14):
grown through, they areblessings given to you.
We are given in this life onlythings that we can handle.
Whatever difficulty it is, thistoo shall pass.
If you are like me and you lostsomeone close to you, count the
blessings for the memories thatyou have.
Count the blessings for thelegacy and the lessons that were
(56:36):
learned and all that history,and be grateful for the fact
that someday, somehow, you'll betogether again.
And know that as you sit down atyour table and you're looking
for ways to feel thankful andblessed, please do know I will
be sitting at mine, counting youas one of my ways of being
(56:58):
thankful and blessed.
Thank you for supporting myAmerican dream.
Have a great effingThanksgiving, everybody.
That's it, and that's all,Biggie Smalls.
(57:25):
If you're allowed proud Americanand you find yourself just
watching or find me on YouTube,Facebook, and Loud Proud
American, Facebook, I'm calledif you're fancy Raman, you want
to find me on Instagram,probably, tickety socket, I'm a
tickety talking, you can find meon all of those loud underscore
(57:50):
underscore things on the gunstructure on the background.
You are joining what you'rehearing.
(58:40):
Now go wash your fucking hands,you filthy savage.
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