August 14, 2025 • 43 mins
What happens when the weight of the badge becomes too much to bear? Jake Belay's story captures the harrowing journey from decorated officer to PTSD survivor, revealing the often-hidden psychological toll of law enforcement service.
Jake never imagined himself becoming a police officer. Growing up in Decorah, Iowa, his path to law enforcement was unexpected – from studying psychology to working with troubled youth, he eventually found himself drawn to police work after witnessing an officer's compassionate handling of a juvenile dispute. Within just three years of joining the Iowa City Police Department, Jake was named Officer of the Year, became a specialized Drug Recognition Expert, and achieved his dream position on the street crimes unit.
Then 2020 happened. As riots erupted following George Floyd's death, Jake found himself targeted by online threats, with his family's safety jeopardized. The city council members who once praised his work now advocated for defunding the department. The psychological impact was devastating, though Jake wouldn't recognize his PTSD symptoms until much later.
"I went from Officer of the Year to being told my attitude was terrible," Jake reveals, highlighting how mental health struggles in first responders are often misinterpreted as character flaws. Even after changing departments, the internal battles continued until he eventually left law enforcement altogether in 2023.
Jake's powerful testimony shows how trauma can accumulate silently, with night terrors and flashbacks normalized as "just part of the job." Now working as a trauma recovery coach, he's transforming his painful experiences into purpose by helping other first responders recognize and address their own struggles before reaching crisis.
The 10-42 Project continues this vital work, having helped 22 first responders in suicidal crisis last year alone. Are you a first responder struggling with similar issues, or do you know someone who is? Visit 1042project.org to learn how you can get support or become an ambassador helping others in your department.
If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline.
To contact us directly send an email to Dan@10-42project.org or call 515-350-6274
Visit our website! 10-42project.org
Check us out on social media!
Youtube: @1042project
Facebook: www.facebook.com/1042project
Instagram: 1042_project
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to another episode of the Shared
Voices podcast brought to you bythe 1042 Project.
Welcome back.
I hope you guys had a chance tocheck out the last couple
episodes.
We had New York Nealon what acool guy.
We'll have him on again in thefuture.
And uh, coming up after jake,you guys are going to be hearing
(00:29):
from jessica machado.
Uh, california deputy um,pretty amazing story and uh,
excited to introduce you guys toher.
Um, she's probably going to beon the on the podcast quite a
bit, really bringing a femaleperspective.
And um, she was telling me thather agency in that area like
the few agencies within thatarea south of Fresno, california
(00:49):
, jake, has had like five firstresponder suicides in like the
last year and a half orsomething.
It's been crazy.
But she's going to be on nextweek, but this week we got Jake.
I want to welcome Jake Bile.
Jake, welcome to the on nextweek, but this week we got Jake.
I want to welcome Jake Bile.
Jake, welcome to the podcast.
Buddy, how are you doing?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I'm well Glad to be here, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Yeah, man, excited to hear your story.
I never do a good job ofsharing, jake, the impact we're
having, the people we're helping, the things we're doing, so I
need to get better at that.
So I wanted to just kind ofstart off with a couple of the
victories over the last year.
Sure, and it's pretty cool whatGod's done.
(01:36):
So last year we were able toshare the gospel to over 600
first responders and familymembers over 600, and offer and
hope that doesn't run out.
That's pretty cool.
We've done that in a very shortperiod of time.
That doesn't count the onesthat we speak to at the academy.
(02:02):
Pretty cool to be able to shareGod's word, give people the
healing and love of Christ andlet them know about first
responders and the traumathey're going through.
We also had our first three-dayretreat men's retreat this year
.
That went awesome.
(02:23):
We had three first responders inthe last year that we sent out
of state to get some in-depthinpatient training.
So they were.
They were out there for a while.
Sometimes we don't have all theresources right here in Iowa,
jake, as you know, there's not alot of resources in this area,
but we got three of them.
We were able to get them flownout there and get some help for
long periods of time.
(02:43):
So blessed to be able to helpthose three to get them out of
state.
We had 22 last year, 22 thatcame in in crisis mode meaning
thoughts of suicide, struggling,real bad emergency type stuff,
being able to sit in the cycleof suck.
(03:04):
Be that rescue line for them.
22 in deep crisis of thinkingabout taking their life.
Jake, that's pretty crazy.
That's just right here in Iowa,yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Not surprising to me, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yeah, and it's been a blessing.
We've invested over 640 hourswith our first responders in the
last year, um directly withthem.
Um, we had 24 outdoor outings24, when we had first responders
get together, go fishingtogether, hunting stuff like
(03:40):
that.
24 outdoor where firstresponders get to get together,
break bread, have fun, um, andget to enjoy life.
So 24 that's awesome.
We've had over 30 bible studiesin the last year.
We've got to um sit down withfirst responders coming into the
law enforcement career and dobible studies with them.
(04:01):
So 30 of them saw several liveswho give their life to Christ,
which is what it's all about.
The podcast is reaching 1,500per week when people listen, and
that's climbing rapidly.
We had plans to get that togrow longer, and we also added
six new ambassadors to theorganization.
(04:21):
So a lot of growth.
Pretty amazing what God's doing, especially since it's mainly
just a couple of us that aredoing it, and that's why we
started the ambassador program,jake.
Our ambassador program is wherewe repurpose our first
responders Maybe some people whohave been there, people like
you.
We get them trained up and wehave a little program we put
(04:47):
them through where they can beequipped to go out and be
ambassadors, the light in theirarea, within their department,
where they can be the voice of1042 and be a bridge to getting
people help and treatment andletting them know that there's
no guilt or shame.
So we're growing that out, jake.
So we have people all over thestate eventually all over the US
(05:08):
, but right now all over thestate where there's 1042 people
in every area that can respondand be to our first responders
and their families when theyneed them in a very short period
of time.
So if you're a first responderlistening, or a family member or
somebody who feels called,reach out and let us know if you
want to be part of theambassador program.
(05:29):
Go to our website.
At the front of the website, atthe very bottom of the page,
you will see a get involved.
Click on the get involved, godown to ambassador, click on
that and send your informationand let me know that you want to
(05:50):
be an ambassador for theorganization.
Not a lot goes into it, but Iwill share with you what, what,
what, what it all entails.
And if you decide you want todo it, we'll do it.
We're looking for more people.
The many, the more we can get,the better.
So send me an email call.
But we need some ambassadors.
We need your first respondersthat feel called to help others,
(06:11):
to step up and help the youngergeneration or other ones, our
peers.
Now's your time.
God's been put it on your heart.
Now's your opportunity.
We want to help give you thatchance.
We want to help provide theresources you need to be able to
do that well in your area.
So reach out.
We need you.
God's called you for a reason.
Um, I know it can be scary, buttry to get over that fear,
(06:33):
because there's growth right onthe other side of that.
Um so, yeah, jake, let's get itright to it, buddy.
Um, jake, let's get it right toit, buddy.
Absolutely, I actually just gotto meet you, not too long ago,
yeah.
I had a mutual friend that setup a dinner where we got to meet
.
It was we kind of ended up onthe opposite side of the tables
(06:57):
so I really didn't get to talkto you that night it was a fun
night.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
I had a great conversation.
Shook out, yeah, yeah, butwe've had a great conversation.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Shook out, yeah yeah.
But we've had a good chance totalk since then and once I got
to hear your story and I got tohear your heart and hear what
you're doing, man, I wanted tohave you on the podcast to share
your story.
The podcast is called SharedVoices.
I don't want to just share myvoice, I want to share other
first responders respondersstories and their ups and their
(07:26):
downs, because your story, jake,isn't.
It's not all about the peaks.
There's a lot of valleys inthere too, just like mine, oh
yeah.
And what's cool about you isyou're open, honest and
transparent about it.
You don't hide that.
You went through it.
You don't hide your struggles.
You now use all that pain forpurpose and you now are a voice
(07:47):
and an advocate for firstresponders and their mental
health Pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
So yeah, and now you are a coach, trauma coach,
trauma recovery coach.
So walk us through this journey.
Tell us about little bouncingbaby boy Jake, and how you ended
up to where you are now.
Buddy, it's a good, godly story.
Let's hear it.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Thanks.
I grew up in northeast Iowa.
Decorah is the name of the town.
Decorah has become more popularthese days, so chances are, if
you're from Iowa or if you'veeven heard of Iowa, you've heard
of Decorah.
It's a beautiful area.
Didn't realize that till I left.
Uh, it's not like, not like therest of the state.
(08:33):
It's, uh, there's bluffs and alot of rolling hills and it's,
it's a lot more scenic than alot of the state.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Um, so yeah, I had to .
Speaker 2 (08:43):
You know, I had a a pretty, pretty decent upbringing
there there was.
I grew up in a home environmentwith a lot of turmoil but from
the outside, looking in, itlooked good, materialistically,
had everything I needed.
You know it's a good town, goodplace to grow up.
(09:03):
But you know, within the wallsof my home there's definitely
some some chaos between myparents and and um, you know
they were.
I don't want to spend, I don'treally want to spend a lot of
time, you know, trash talkingthem necessarily, because
they're doing their best.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
But surprise to you on line three, we got your
parents.
No, I'm just kidding, they didtheir best.
But I hear you, buddy, it'stough.
I had a tough childhood too.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
It's tough to talk about they did their best, but
uh, yeah, they were, they wereworkaholics, they were gone a
lot and you know they also.
They basically just devoted alot of what they had to give to
their respective professions andthen, didn't have anything left
at the end of the day and itturned into conflict and and
(09:50):
arguing and not the greatest,but grew up playing sports.
That's kind of where I found myescape.
I played soccer football allthe way through, found an
identity there and graduated andwent to decide to go to the
University of Iowa.
It's an interesting decisionbecause it was between that or a
(10:14):
D3 school to play football andsometimes I wonder what would
have been different if I'd goneand played football as opposed
to go to Iowa City and party.
But that's what I did.
I chose Iowa City just becauseI wanted to go have fun, ended
up picking psychology as a majorbecause it interested me and I
just I don't know, just didn'thave a plan, just picked it,
(10:37):
graduated.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
So no law enforcement vision at this point.
Like you know, no idea of eventhinking about being police.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Oh no, I mean anybody .
Up until really a few yearsbefore I got hired, I think I
would have told you you're crazyto think I was going to be a
cop.
And if, if any, if you'd knownme growing up, you'd have
thought the same thing.
You'd have thought the samething I I did play sports, but I
(11:06):
I mean I also was.
I was constantly getting, youknow, detention and suspended
from school and run-ins with thecops in my hometown and getting
in trouble with my parents.
I was always out trying to getaway with something and you and
I would have been good friends.
We sound like a lot alike livingon the edge, you know out
taking my parents cars out andracing people and drinking in
cornfields.
(11:27):
And yeah, I just was a I'vealways, I've always had a lot of
energy.
I've always had a drive, andit's just a question of whether
I'm putting it towards somethinggood or not so good.
But no, no, no plan to be a copas a kid.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
I was kind of interested.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
I was always kind of interested in the police Most
people are.
You know the car chases and youknow carrying a gun and you
know that they kind of the fastpaced stuff was always
interesting.
But no, no, no early plans.
But studied psychology, end upgraduating and just got a couple
jobs that I could find.
(12:06):
I worked in the social workfield is what I would call it.
I initially was working withadults with disabilities, doing
community-based cares and directsupport is what it's called
entry-level position.
Entry-level position ended upgoing from there and getting
(12:30):
involved in, uh, youthcorrections or youth.
Uh, I worked at a youthemergency shelter through an
organization called four oaks iniowa city and that's where I
kind of was first exposed to lawenforcement.
Because, uh, those, thoseshelters are are emotionally
charged and and full youngadults, young troubled adults,
and so inevitably crimes arecommitted and the police need to
(12:51):
be called.
And I started to interact withthe police there a little bit
and I had one experience inparticular where this officer
just took.
I just couldn't believe howmuch time he gave to these
little girls.
I just couldn't believe howmuch time he gave to these
little girls.
They, they, they were two like13 year old girls that got into
a straight up fist fight andwe're pulling each other's hair
and clawing and scratching eachother and we called and I
(13:12):
assumed the cops to show up andjust haul one of them off or
both of them off.
But this officer, he, he.
I ended up working with himlater but uh, uh, he just took
all the time and he took likeover an hour and talked to these
two and they were bothinitially wanting charges
pressed and they wanted to sueeach other and you know they had
all.
They just had such animosity bythe time he was done talking
(13:33):
with them.
They were friends and theyremained friends and no one was
charged.
I don't even think he I mean,he could have just been a master
at getting out of writing areport too, for all I know, but
I don't even yeah, or I got goodat that, but it was impressive
to me and it just kind of itturned me on to a different side
of law enforcement that Ididn't realize existed, still
(13:56):
didn't decide it's what I wantedto do.
I just was impressed by thatmoment and worked there for a
while, ended up being drawntoward juvenile more of the
correction side of juveniledelinquency, and got a job at
the Lynn County JuvenileDetention Center up in Cedar
Rapids as a tracker a juvenilecourt tracker and so I worked
(14:24):
closely with the juvenile courtofficers to provide
community-based supervision totypically the higher risk kids,
and in Cedar Rapids some ofthese kids are legitimate gang
members and some of their crimesare gun related violence.
You know a lot of violence andso I was going and doing home
visits with these kids, you know, at their, at their house and
(14:46):
in the rough part, roughestparts of Cedar Rapids and Cedar
Rapids is a fairly rough townand I enjoyed it.
But my ability to really doanything to help was very
limited and that becamefrustrating because I would go
and I would see.
You know one kid in particularpops up in my mind because I
(15:09):
would go to his house and hismom, his dad, who knows where
his dad was, and his mom youknow, depending on the day, if
you could even find her and theylived in this big old house,
big old craftsmanship stylehouse that had just fallen into
complete disrepair, and a lot oftimes I'd have to walk into the
house and walk around the housejust even find him, and he'd be
(15:29):
.
He would have been up, you know,all night running around and
doing drugs and a lot of timeshe'd still be sleeping on a, you
know, all night running aroundand doing drugs and a lot of
times he'd still be sleeping ona, you know, just a mattress in
the corner of some room at twoo'clock in the afternoon.
And that was very common, thattype of situation, that type of
experience.
And I always wanted to, youknow, I'd call, I'd contact the
juvenile court and say this is,this living environment is
(15:51):
terrible, his mom's neglectinghim and you, they just nothing
would be done.
And so I started to to reallyhave a desire to want to do more
, and I also interacted with thepolice a lot on that in that
career too.
So I had more and more exposureto law enforcement and more and
more of a desire to have theability to affect change, and I
(16:12):
I realized that as a policeofficer I could do that.
So I became real drawn to itreal fast.
Uh, I applied for andinterviewed with, uh, cedar
rapids police department first Itested with them and, um,
knocked all the testing out ofthe park.
Like this is this is back.
Keep in mind, this is back whena department like that would
(16:35):
have 500 applications at a time?
Speaker 1 (16:37):
yeah, not like it is now where three people show up
yeah, and so I was up against.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Uh, I mean, on testing day there were several
hundred people that showed upjust to test yeah and uh.
So the competition was prettystiff and I had really good
experience and really goodknowledge of the town based on
my job.
But, uh, the interview, thefirst like pre-interview process
, they went through the list ofyou know, have you ever done
this and have you ever done that, you ever done this?
(17:03):
And it came to, came up to haveyou know what, what type of
drugs have you done?
And I'd had, I had done a fewin my in my younger days, and my
, my approach going in was I'mjust going to be honest about it
, cause I, I have that's oneaspect about me.
I have like almost a compulsiveneed to be honest.
Um, sometimes, in times wheresometimes to a fault, I would
(17:27):
say, but that's what, that wasmy take I said, if I, if I can't
be honest and get hired, then Idon't, I don't deserve to do
this job.
And so I was honest and theykicked me out of the process
immediately.
So I mean up against 500 otherapplications.
Nothing incredibly unique aboutme, I don't.
You know.
Looking back, I see why I gotthe boot.
(17:47):
You know, at the time, you'vedone drugs, you're out, and it
hadn't even been very recently,it had been like when I was, you
know, back in the day.
But that was discouraging, butI really wanted to do it and so
I decided maybe I could make aconnection through the juvenile
court.
That would get me a foot in thedoor with some department in
(18:08):
the area and I could overcome myindiscretions of my youth.
And that's exactly what I did.
There was a Iowa city PD at thetime had a uh, a detective
assigned to juvenile casesspecifically and I had gotten to
know him.
His name is Kevin Bailey, andone day I was at the juvenile
court office and he he came inand he said we're hiring and
(18:30):
we're looking for people withjuvenile experience.
And I thought I got juvenileexperience, I want to get hired.
And so I started.
I started talking, got juvenileexperience, I want to get hired
.
And so I started.
I started talking with him.
I went and did a coupleride-alongs with guys on patrol.
I uh, I came and talked to himat his office.
I saw the PDA, it wasintroduced to the chief.
I kind of I did exactly what Iwas hoping when it would happen.
(18:51):
I got a foot in the door and uhso I applied and um, I feel like
I just was about to saysomething, I forgot what it was
but um, I applied and, and youknow, same same hurdles came up.
I also, I should mention, I hadbeen arrested for owi too, when
(19:11):
I was 18 um, and so the samehurdles and roadblocks came up
but because I had establishedthat personal connection, I was
able to overcome it and Kevinactually ended up doing my
background check and he reallyreally wanted me to get hired
because he saw the potential inme and liked my juvenile
experience a lot.
So he he had me write a bunch ofextra like almost essays about
(19:37):
some of the you know about.
How did I get arrested and why.
You know why am I not?
Why is it not an issue anymore?
And you know why did you?
You know how did you end updoing drugs?
How many times did you do it?
You know, did just just had meexplain in writing those things
and that that seemed to do thetrick.
It got me through to the chiefand the chief's interview went
(19:57):
well.
I got hired.
One thing, oh, that's what Iwas going to say On one of the
ride-alongs.
I rode at night, late at night,and I went into the roll call
meeting and I saw these guyssitting in the corner and
weren't dressed in the uniformlike everybody else, they had
beards and they looked, looked,they just kind of looked
important and uh I I said to theguy, the officer I was riding
(20:24):
with, I said what's going onover there, what are those guys
doing?
They were the street crimesunit the street crimes action
team is what it was called, andI found out what they did.
they worked proactive cases,they wrote search warrants, they
kicked doors and in the middleof the night they were after the
worst worst and I justadrenaline, baby adrenaline I
just locked on and I said I'mdoing that, I don't care how
long it takes, I'm doing that.
And so I got hired and just Iwas just all in, went to the
(20:50):
academy.
I wouldn't say I love theacademy, but I I got a lot out
of it, you know, went throughfield training, it all.
It all just felt like secondnature.
It felt like a calling.
I just took to it like a, likea duck to water and put a lot,
of, a lot of effort and energyinto it and my career just took
off by.
So I was hired in 2015 and by2018, I was named officer of the
(21:13):
year for the department.
I was able to become a fieldtraining officer.
I was a DRE and drug recognitionexpert.
I actually went to DRE schooland graduated first in my class,
got an award for academics inthe class, which I don't think
any law enforcement training isparticularly tough, but DRE
(21:34):
school is hard for lawenforcement training is
particularly tough, but dreschool is is hard for a lot of
law enforcement training I thinkit's.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
I think it's one of the.
Yeah, I think most lawenforcement training is kind of
spoon-fed, it's not really thatdifficult, but yeah, um, I was a
dre school.
That that's.
It's a lot of training.
Oh, you went to.
Yeah, I did dre, yeah okay,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
So I was a dr, I had the briefcase, yeah, yeah,
stethoscope and everything ohyeah yeah, so I was a dre and,
uh, I joined the, joined the tacteam.
Uh, we called it srt, a specialresponse team.
Um did that all by 2018 and oneofficer of the year, and so I
knew I was in a in a primeposition to apply for that unit
(22:17):
uh, the street crimes unit thatI wanted to be on, and, sure
enough, um spent most of 2019training uh, training on the
street, being an FTO, and by theend of 2019, there was an
opening.
I applied for it, interviewedand I got.
I got picked for the streetcrimes unit.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Nice Dream come true in your eyes.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Yeah, and I was up against some stiff competition.
I had a couple other guys thatinterviewed for it.
I had two, three times thenumber of years on, and one of
them had been a supervisor at adifferent department.
I put a lot into it and itpanned out and I got selected
for it at the end of 2019.
And so, beginning of 2020, Istart working that job and I
(23:03):
mean it was literally like, ifyou've seen the movie Training
Day, the first day I hopped inthe car with the guy that had
been on the unit for three orfour years and it was.
I mean, it's Iowa City.
It's not a big city, but itfelt like a movie.
He drove me around and he gaveme a hard time and he talked a
lot of trash and he even quotedTraining Day several times.
(23:29):
Are you serious?
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Yeah, was he being real or was he just testing?
Speaker 2 (23:33):
you dude, he was messing with me, okay, which is
exactly what Denzel does intraining day.
Yes, okay, so you caught on toit, though I did, but it's still
like it.
That's an.
That's a pretty unwinnablesituation when you're going into
, because it's a totallydifferent type of policing.
So all of your training out thewindow.
You know this.
(23:54):
You know like you, you don'twear a vest with all of your
tools on it, or a belt with allyour tools on it, and you don't.
You have to learn a whole newset of uh norms and and you know
tactics and how to act, how tocarry yourself, what to look for
.
It's a.
It's like a different jobcompletely, um, but I loved it.
(24:15):
And then, uh, so that's anearly 2020, and then, uh, the
world came to an end.
Uh, actually had.
We had our first kid march 4thof 2020, and then, about five
days later, cove had hit, andthen, a couple months after that
, the george floyd incidenthappened and the riots kicked
off, and every, I'm telling you,2020 changed everything for me.
(24:39):
I had uh good or bad?
it was.
It was an.
It was a crazy year.
It was just crazy.
We had a massive uptick in gunviolence in iowa city and so my
my unit went from beingprimarily proactive, uh, to
being assigned all of theseshootings.
I mean, at one point I had 19shooting cases on my caseload,
(25:01):
golly, and most of them werepeople that don't cooperate with
the police Victims, suspects,witnesses.
Nobody cooperates with thepolice, and so they were the
kind of cases where we knew whodid it, but we couldn't put it.
We couldn't get a chargetogether because we couldn't.
We didn't have anybody tocooperate with it, right, and so
(25:23):
we ended up, uh, we ended upgetting together with the US
attorney's office and coming upwith a plan to build a case
against these guys, because wehad traced we traced a lot of
the guns to the same source,which was some.
Some gang members from chicagohad moved to iowa city and they
had found this lower functioningguy uh in town who they were
(25:49):
manipulating into doing strawpurchases.
They were they were getting himto walk into.
They were giving him moneywalking.
He was walking into shields,buying a gun, coming out and
handed it off to them and hebought we ended up figuring out
he bought like 30 or 40 guns ina couple months, and a lot of
them were directly tied to theshooting incidents so put
together this uh operationcalled operation scarecrow straw
(26:12):
purchases, scarecrow creative,I think ended up with uh six,
six indictments and sixconvictions on this conspiracy
to to uh traffic weapons case,which is pretty cool.
There's a lot of us that wentinto it.
I don't, I can't take creditfor it.
I had a, I had a role in it,you know I didn't it was not the
(26:32):
mastermind of it, but it was.
It was pretty cool, but anyway,through the course of 2020 it
just.
Iowa city had over 30 daysstraight of riots.
After the george floyd thing,the city council members were
actually out leading some of theprotests and riots and
advocating for defunding thepolice, abolishing the police
(26:54):
department, writing articlesabout abolishing the police and
everything just fell apart.
So I'm saying everythingchanged.
I went from officer of the yearon top of the world to
basically to.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
Yeah, and the public hating you.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Yeah, yeah.
For nothing you did yeah, fornothing you did I, I had.
I.
I became very, very paranoid inthe middle of the riots.
Uh, somebody looked me up andcontacted, uh, my parents, my
sister, an aunt, uh and my wife,and and made threats to dox my
(27:36):
address and make it a target forthe rioters and protesters, um,
and called me a war criminal.
Because we had actually one ofthe nights of the riots in Iowa
city, the night I was describingto you earlier, that we
deployed tear gas and OC andeverything on a crowd that was
trying to go and block thefreeway in the middle of the
night.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
Not just a freeway.
We were talking I-80.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yeah, interstate 80.
Yeah, interstate 80 in themiddle of the night and there
was some videos that went viralon Twitter that night in Iowa
City.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
From what I understood.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
At the time, iowa City riots were like the number
three trending topic in theworld on twitter.
Briefly, wow, and so I guess Iguess what happened.
This is the best that I couldpiece it together is this guy
saw something on twitter and sohe looked up the iowa city
police department and probablythere was an article written
about me when I won officer ofthe year.
I'm guessing that popped up andthat's how he targeted me.
(28:35):
Yep, um, I don't really know.
I ended up tracking him down totexas.
He was a guy, just somekeyboard warrior in texas.
It turned out wannabe antifakind of guy, and I had the local
sheriff's office go down thereand talk to him.
I don't, I don't know exactlywhat they did, but they called
back and said I wouldn't behearing from him again and I
(28:56):
didn't, so I didn't ask anyquestions.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Taken care of TCO, taken care of Handled.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
Yeah.
So, anyway, everything changed.
We decided we wanted to leaveIowa City.
We didn't want to raise afamily there.
I didn't want to be working fora department, you know, working
for a city who's kind of citycouncil and city manager trying
to defund and abolish and itjust.
There was an environment ripefor, you know, being an officer
(29:28):
who's made an example of in thename of the movement you know so
I could just picture beingforced to make a split second
decision and then just beinghung out to drive by the city
and, you know, incarcerated,probably arrested, charged,
probably.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, so we decided to move todes moines.
My wife is originally fromankeny and I wanted to.
I really at the time was didn'twant to do, didn't want to be a
(29:50):
cop anymore.
Everything fell apart so fastand I, looking back, how many
years you got there.
I was there like six and a halfyears okay um, so that's about
the burnout phase.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Yeah, six years.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Yeah well, I'm looking and looking back.
I didn't realize my, my mentalhealth was terrible terrible at
that time.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Did everybody else around you know though?
Well, I I sorry, yeah yeah,they did.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
They did um.
My last performance review atthe iowa city pd keep in mind
2018 I'm officer of the year.
Uh, my last performance reviewin would have been in 2021,
right before I left.
Um, it was all about howterrible my attitude was.
I had a lieutenant and asergeant talk to me about how I
(30:38):
had such a bad attitude and howyou know I had.
I don't remember exactlyanything they said, but it was
just over and over and overabout how my attitude was and
how I.
You know, I used to be so drivenand motivated and you know, if
someone gave me a task, I did itright away and I did it to the
best of my ability to just kindof doing the bare minimum.
(31:01):
And you know, sometimes justcalling in sick or just not
showing up, or you know, I justI really there was a stark
difference and, looking back, II wish someone had pulled me
aside and said are you okay?
But right, that just wasn't theculture, it was you.
You know, get your shittogether, figure it out, stop
(31:22):
with your bad attitude.
You know that we don't toleratethat here.
This is on you to figure it out,but anyway it.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
I wish someone had had just stopped to think you
know, officer of the year tothis like right, well, and they,
and the thing is is thatthey've had that same
conversation with you, with 70of the department, like, but yet
we don't have a, we're notrelating what's happening here.
Yeah, like we're just, yeah,we're telling people well,
you're no longer what you usedto be.
(31:50):
You used to be love coming here.
You used to be the extra shiftguy.
You used to do this.
Now you don't.
Well, how about we look at theroots of that?
Yeah, yeah.
Instead of just saying yourattitude sucks.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
I didn't see it either.
I blame.
I was blaming every, everyoneand everything else other than
my own myself or my own mentalhealth or the way I felt, and
you know it was.
there's some leadership issuesthat the department, just like a
lot of departments, and youknow it's easy for me to say all
of my problems are due to poorleadership or all of my problems
(32:25):
are due to what I'veexperienced with these riots and
you know, this invasion ofprivacy of this guy calling me
and, as you know too, when you,when you work in plainclothes on
a street crimes unit or youknow you, you did the narc thing
.
It's a lot more personal whenyou, when you charge somebody,
when you show up at someone'shouse in plainclothes and the
(32:47):
you know, you charge themtypically with felonies instead
of misdemeanors.
I remember that Jake was the onethat did it.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
You went through her underwear drawer.
Yeah, you're going through alltheir private stuff.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
You wear a uniform and a badge and the majority of
people just see a cop, a uniformand a badge.
I got arrested by the police,but when you, when you work
plain clothes, it's Jake or Itold you they had a nickname for
me with the beard golden beard.
You know, golden beard did this.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
That's a legit picture too.
You showed me.
By the way, we're going toshare that, one of these, one of
these episodes.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Yeah, uh, golden beard put this case on me and
sent me to prison, you know, andso I just got real, real
paranoid.
Just because of that too,because people knew my name.
They just didn't know theuniform.
Anyway, decided to move to DesMoines and I didn't want to be a
(33:46):
cop, but I thought I'll give itanother shot, because switching
careers and moving cities atthe same time seems impossible.
And you know, we had to buy ahouse real quick and the
interest rates were so low thatcompetition was sky high.
We got into bidding war overour house and everything.
It just switching careers atthat time was going to be one
too many things.
So, I decided I'll at least gosomewhere very different than
Iowa City.
So I picked West Des Moines,which looked like the picture
(34:10):
perfect place to work.
Very, very different city, verypro-police government and just
the citizens of West Des Moinesvery pro-police, as opposed to
Iowa City, where there's ahealthy mix.
We'll call it it's an eclecticplace, a melting pot.
And so I got hired a.
(34:31):
There was kind of a honeymoonperiod there where I was
reinvigorated.
You know, I was glad to be in aplace that supported the, the
police, you know, and I camefrom iowa city where where, by
the time I left, we couldn'tchase cars, and then I even,
just alone, just being able tochase cars in west des moines,
lit my fire again you know,because it's like we're being
being the police.
(34:52):
But that wore off pretty quicklybecause those problems I had in
iowa city, uh, you know, I justcould distract myself for a
while but they, they were comingback.
My mental health still was notnot good at all and the allure
of the new department beingperfect wore off and they have
just as many problems there andit's just as stressful inside
(35:17):
that building as it was insidethe building in Iowa City.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
It's not always greener on the other side, it's
just grass.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Yeah, and so then I run into it.
I hit this place where I'm likeman, my dream job is not
working out, I don't want to doit.
I don't want to go to workworking out, I don't want to do
it.
I don't want to go to work, Idon't, I just don't want to do
it at all.
And I started getting more andmore depressed, more bitter, and
uh ended up going on paternityleave in uh 2023, july 17th,
(35:46):
2023, and I never went back 2023and I never went back.
At the time, I chalked it up toburnout.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Now.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
I know it was PTSD, severe PTSD, because shortly
after I quit, I started havingpanic attacks, flashbacks, all
of the symptoms of PTSD, all ofthe textbook symptoms, and now,
keep in mind I'd been having alot of those prior, but I just,
I just thought it was the costof doing business In 2019, we
(36:16):
talked about this I I wasn't onscene for an officer involved
shooting, but I responded tohelp an officer who had been
shot in the face several timeswith a CO2 pellet gun.
And when I got there this is aguy I know, this is a friend of
mine and he his face was justcovered in blood and he looked
(36:37):
at me with the most fear I'veever seen on any person's face.
He very obviously thought hewas about to die and I was in
the position of having toreassure him and I didn't.
I didn't know, I didn't know,and I, I, just I.
The only thing I could think todo at the time is just tell me
it was going to be okay.
Uh, because I didn't really seean alternative, and so I checked
(36:58):
him.
I mean, I checked him over.
I could see puncture holes inhis cheeks and and he had, you
know, one right here that wentin through his uh forehead.
Even those CO2 pistols are nojoke, especially at point blank
range.
He got hit with it.
He returned fire and hit thesuspect too.
I showed up.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Unload on his face with the pellet gun.
Did you guys know it was apellet gun at that point?
Speaker 2 (37:26):
No, that's the thing.
I didn't know what he'd beenhit with you.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
just see your buddy there with holes in his face and
a look on his face that he'sabout to die.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
Yeah, I, I knew it was a small caliber, uh, but I
thought it was probably going toend up being a 22.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
Yeah, much kill.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Yeah, pellet guns kill.
Yeah, um, and it was a pelletgun, but they went.
I mean those pellets wentthrough and through his cheeks
and I mean they got lodged inthe back of his throat.
He had one lodged in his sinus.
I mean it very easily couldhave, could have killed him and
the the prosecution agreed withthat.
And they're actually those,those pistols are they meet the
(38:02):
definition of a dangerous weapon?
in the state of iowa due to thevelocity of the projectile.
But yeah, that incident, youknow I looked him over.
He was breathing, he, you knowhe was tracking me with his eyes
.
He, I didn't see any you knownothing on his abdomen and it
(38:25):
was all in his face and I there.
Just there was nothing for meto do because throughout my
entire law enforcement career Inever got any advanced medical
training.
It's like do you need cpr, doyou need a tourniquet or a chest
seal?
The answer is no, we're waitingfor the ambulance, you know.
And so I told him you're goingto be fine.
I, I could hear the ambulancesiren coming, so a little
(38:46):
different siren than you knowother emergency vehicles.
I could hear it.
I said they're almost here.
I got to go check and see if,if I can save the person you
shot because you know I want.
I didn't necessarily care toomuch about that person at that
time, but I didn't want him todeal with everything.
I didn't want him I thought thisin the moment which is wild but
(39:06):
I didn't want him to have todeal with everything he was
clearly already dealing with,plus some, you know, having
killed somebody.
So I wanted to go and try andsave her if I could.
Turns out she's only shot inthe hand.
And so I told you I think turnsout she's only shot in the hand
(39:28):
.
And so I told you I think Itold you this the other day.
I even said out loud, I said oh, you just shot in the hand.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
Who gives a shit?
Yeah, you know, like you,whatever.
But yeah, you just got yourbuddy in the face.
I mean, that's kind of a commonreaction.
Speaker 2 (39:32):
Yeah, yeah, yeah but I checked her over and it was
just in the hand and ambulance.
Two ambulances showed up, onetook her, one took him and I
went him and I went back to I,just went back to patrol, no one
.
No one asked if I was okay orif I wanted to go home or or
anything.
I just went back to patrol andin fact we spent the rest of
that night so short staffed thatI was handling.
(39:55):
I handled pretty much everycall.
I went on myself, domestics bymyself, everything I did that
night night I went by myself andit was a call to call.
Iowa City's got a high callvolume, not uncommon for one
officer to handle 15, 20 callsfor service in an eight hour
shift there.
Yeah, and that's becausethey're understaffed, because
the city doesn't like thedepartment.
(40:16):
But I tell that story just tosay like I started having night
terrors very regularly afterthat incident.
I started having flashbacks, Istarted having panic symptoms,
but I chalked it all up to thecost of doing business.
It's almost a badge of honor tosay that I was having those
(40:36):
symptoms.
I joked about my night terrorsall the time and if I ever found
another officer who who couldrelate, if we just man, we just
bonded.
We just bonded immediately.
Oh, you're dealing with thenight tears and we just laugh
about it.
We didn't do anything to helpright situation, we just laughed
about it yep, well, you'remessed up too, okay, well, yeah
(40:57):
yeah, and so looking back,that's, you know that was that
incident was six years ago today, july 31st 2019.
And that's when my you know Ihad trauma before that,
different experiences on the jobbefore that too.
But that's when a manageableamount of trauma turned into
PTSD.
Looking back, I just didn'tknow it.
Speaker 1 (41:19):
You didn't realize what it slowly turned you into.
Yeah.
And then you have those bigcalls.
You know, we have these callsin our career.
They're like hammer calls.
They kind of hurt a little bitbut it's just like a hammer hit.
But then we have thesesledgehammer calls.
They just take you out at theknees and that's what that call
was.
Right there, man, it's yeah,and today's the anniversary yeah
(41:39):
yeah, you, yeah, you're doingokay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
This is the best I've done on this day since it
happened, and it's because I'vebeen taking care of myself for
the first time.
This is the first year goinginto it that I've, you know,
I've had a therapist and I'vehad a coach and I've, you know,
I've got a psychiatrist and I'vebuilt the community around me
for support and understandingand it's been a very much
(42:11):
different experience today thanit has been the last several
years.
The last several years I justtried my best to numb it out,
ignore it, pretend I didn't knowwhat day it was.
But you can't get away from it.
Speaker 1 (42:24):
Let's go ahead and wrap this episode up.
Will you stick around foranother one?
Pretend I didn't know what dayit was, but you can't, can't get
away from it.
Yep, um, let's go ahead andwrap this episode up.
Will you stick around foranother one?
Sure, we're at that 42 minuteMark.
Um, let's go ahead and stopthere and then we'll pick right
back up with the next episode.
Sure, um, so yeah, you guyslistening.
Um, we'll do the next episode.
Um, stick around here.
More about Jake and his trauma,coaching what he's doing and
(42:45):
how he's turning all of his paininto purpose.
So, jake, thank you for beinghere today, and we will see you
guys next week.
And that wraps up anotherepisode of the 1042 Project
Shared Voices Podcast.
Thank you for tuning in andjust a reminder, we are a 501c3.
If you guys can support us.
(43:06):
You can go to our website or,if you know an organization or a
company or your church may wantto get involved in supporting
1042 Project's mission ofequipping, restoring and
repurposing our first responders, please reach out to us at
10-42projectorg.
There is a giving page on there.
We need your help.
We need your support.
If you can't give financially,please be willing to share the
(43:28):
word of our podcast, of ourorganization and the work that
God's doing.
Thank you and have a blessedweek.
Welcome back to another episode of the Shared
Voices podcast brought to you bythe 1042 Project.
Welcome back.
I hope you guys had a chance tocheck out the last couple
episodes.
We had New York Nealon what acool guy.
We'll have him on again in thefuture.
And uh, coming up after jake,you guys are going to be hearing
(00:29):
from jessica machado.
Uh, california deputy um,pretty amazing story and uh,
excited to introduce you guys toher.
Um, she's probably going to beon the on the podcast quite a
bit, really bringing a femaleperspective.
And um, she was telling me thather agency in that area like
the few agencies within thatarea south of Fresno, california
(00:49):
, jake, has had like five firstresponder suicides in like the
last year and a half orsomething.
It's been crazy.
But she's going to be on nextweek, but this week we got Jake.
I want to welcome Jake Bile.
Jake, welcome to the on nextweek, but this week we got Jake.
I want to welcome Jake Bile.
Jake, welcome to the podcast.
Buddy, how are you doing?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I'm well Glad to be here, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Yeah, man, excited to hear your story.
I never do a good job ofsharing, jake, the impact we're
having, the people we're helping, the things we're doing, so I
need to get better at that.
So I wanted to just kind ofstart off with a couple of the
victories over the last year.
Sure, and it's pretty cool whatGod's done.
(01:36):
So last year we were able toshare the gospel to over 600
first responders and familymembers over 600, and offer and
hope that doesn't run out.
That's pretty cool.
We've done that in a very shortperiod of time.
That doesn't count the onesthat we speak to at the academy.
(02:02):
Pretty cool to be able to shareGod's word, give people the
healing and love of Christ andlet them know about first
responders and the traumathey're going through.
We also had our first three-dayretreat men's retreat this year
.
That went awesome.
(02:23):
We had three first responders inthe last year that we sent out
of state to get some in-depthinpatient training.
So they were.
They were out there for a while.
Sometimes we don't have all theresources right here in Iowa,
jake, as you know, there's not alot of resources in this area,
but we got three of them.
We were able to get them flownout there and get some help for
long periods of time.
(02:43):
So blessed to be able to helpthose three to get them out of
state.
We had 22 last year, 22 thatcame in in crisis mode meaning
thoughts of suicide, struggling,real bad emergency type stuff,
being able to sit in the cycleof suck.
(03:04):
Be that rescue line for them.
22 in deep crisis of thinkingabout taking their life.
Jake, that's pretty crazy.
That's just right here in Iowa,yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Not surprising to me, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yeah, and it's been a blessing.
We've invested over 640 hourswith our first responders in the
last year, um directly withthem.
Um, we had 24 outdoor outings24, when we had first responders
get together, go fishingtogether, hunting stuff like
(03:40):
that.
24 outdoor where firstresponders get to get together,
break bread, have fun, um, andget to enjoy life.
So 24 that's awesome.
We've had over 30 bible studiesin the last year.
We've got to um sit down withfirst responders coming into the
law enforcement career and dobible studies with them.
(04:01):
So 30 of them saw several liveswho give their life to Christ,
which is what it's all about.
The podcast is reaching 1,500per week when people listen, and
that's climbing rapidly.
We had plans to get that togrow longer, and we also added
six new ambassadors to theorganization.
(04:21):
So a lot of growth.
Pretty amazing what God's doing, especially since it's mainly
just a couple of us that aredoing it, and that's why we
started the ambassador program,jake.
Our ambassador program is wherewe repurpose our first
responders Maybe some people whohave been there, people like
you.
We get them trained up and wehave a little program we put
(04:47):
them through where they can beequipped to go out and be
ambassadors, the light in theirarea, within their department,
where they can be the voice of1042 and be a bridge to getting
people help and treatment andletting them know that there's
no guilt or shame.
So we're growing that out, jake.
So we have people all over thestate eventually all over the US
(05:08):
, but right now all over thestate where there's 1042 people
in every area that can respondand be to our first responders
and their families when theyneed them in a very short period
of time.
So if you're a first responderlistening, or a family member or
somebody who feels called,reach out and let us know if you
want to be part of theambassador program.
(05:29):
Go to our website.
At the front of the website, atthe very bottom of the page,
you will see a get involved.
Click on the get involved, godown to ambassador, click on
that and send your informationand let me know that you want to
(05:50):
be an ambassador for theorganization.
Not a lot goes into it, but Iwill share with you what, what,
what, what it all entails.
And if you decide you want todo it, we'll do it.
We're looking for more people.
The many, the more we can get,the better.
So send me an email call.
But we need some ambassadors.
We need your first respondersthat feel called to help others,
(06:11):
to step up and help the youngergeneration or other ones, our
peers.
Now's your time.
God's been put it on your heart.
Now's your opportunity.
We want to help give you thatchance.
We want to help provide theresources you need to be able to
do that well in your area.
So reach out.
We need you.
God's called you for a reason.
Um, I know it can be scary, buttry to get over that fear,
(06:33):
because there's growth right onthe other side of that.
Um so, yeah, jake, let's get itright to it, buddy.
Um, jake, let's get it right toit, buddy.
Absolutely, I actually just gotto meet you, not too long ago,
yeah.
I had a mutual friend that setup a dinner where we got to meet
.
It was we kind of ended up onthe opposite side of the tables
(06:57):
so I really didn't get to talkto you that night it was a fun
night.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
I had a great conversation.
Shook out, yeah, yeah, butwe've had a great conversation.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Shook out, yeah yeah.
But we've had a good chance totalk since then and once I got
to hear your story and I got tohear your heart and hear what
you're doing, man, I wanted tohave you on the podcast to share
your story.
The podcast is called SharedVoices.
I don't want to just share myvoice, I want to share other
first responders respondersstories and their ups and their
(07:26):
downs, because your story, jake,isn't.
It's not all about the peaks.
There's a lot of valleys inthere too, just like mine, oh
yeah.
And what's cool about you isyou're open, honest and
transparent about it.
You don't hide that.
You went through it.
You don't hide your struggles.
You now use all that pain forpurpose and you now are a voice
(07:47):
and an advocate for firstresponders and their mental
health Pretty cool.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
So yeah, and now you are a coach, trauma coach,
trauma recovery coach.
So walk us through this journey.
Tell us about little bouncingbaby boy Jake, and how you ended
up to where you are now.
Buddy, it's a good, godly story.
Let's hear it.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Thanks.
I grew up in northeast Iowa.
Decorah is the name of the town.
Decorah has become more popularthese days, so chances are, if
you're from Iowa or if you'veeven heard of Iowa, you've heard
of Decorah.
It's a beautiful area.
Didn't realize that till I left.
Uh, it's not like, not like therest of the state.
(08:33):
It's, uh, there's bluffs and alot of rolling hills and it's,
it's a lot more scenic than alot of the state.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Um, so yeah, I had to .
Speaker 2 (08:43):
You know, I had a a pretty, pretty decent upbringing
there there was.
I grew up in a home environmentwith a lot of turmoil but from
the outside, looking in, itlooked good, materialistically,
had everything I needed.
You know it's a good town, goodplace to grow up.
(09:03):
But you know, within the wallsof my home there's definitely
some some chaos between myparents and and um, you know
they were.
I don't want to spend, I don'treally want to spend a lot of
time, you know, trash talkingthem necessarily, because
they're doing their best.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
But surprise to you on line three, we got your
parents.
No, I'm just kidding, they didtheir best.
But I hear you, buddy, it'stough.
I had a tough childhood too.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
It's tough to talk about they did their best, but
uh, yeah, they were, they wereworkaholics, they were gone a
lot and you know they also.
They basically just devoted alot of what they had to give to
their respective professions andthen, didn't have anything left
at the end of the day and itturned into conflict and and
(09:50):
arguing and not the greatest,but grew up playing sports.
That's kind of where I found myescape.
I played soccer football allthe way through, found an
identity there and graduated andwent to decide to go to the
University of Iowa.
It's an interesting decisionbecause it was between that or a
(10:14):
D3 school to play football andsometimes I wonder what would
have been different if I'd goneand played football as opposed
to go to Iowa City and party.
But that's what I did.
I chose Iowa City just becauseI wanted to go have fun, ended
up picking psychology as a majorbecause it interested me and I
just I don't know, just didn'thave a plan, just picked it,
(10:37):
graduated.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
So no law enforcement vision at this point.
Like you know, no idea of eventhinking about being police.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
Oh no, I mean anybody .
Up until really a few yearsbefore I got hired, I think I
would have told you you're crazyto think I was going to be a
cop.
And if, if any, if you'd knownme growing up, you'd have
thought the same thing.
You'd have thought the samething I I did play sports, but I
(11:06):
I mean I also was.
I was constantly getting, youknow, detention and suspended
from school and run-ins with thecops in my hometown and getting
in trouble with my parents.
I was always out trying to getaway with something and you and
I would have been good friends.
We sound like a lot alike livingon the edge, you know out
taking my parents cars out andracing people and drinking in
cornfields.
(11:27):
And yeah, I just was a I'vealways, I've always had a lot of
energy.
I've always had a drive, andit's just a question of whether
I'm putting it towards somethinggood or not so good.
But no, no, no plan to be a copas a kid.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
I was kind of interested.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
I was always kind of interested in the police Most
people are.
You know the car chases and youknow carrying a gun and you
know that they kind of the fastpaced stuff was always
interesting.
But no, no, no early plans.
But studied psychology, end upgraduating and just got a couple
jobs that I could find.
(12:06):
I worked in the social workfield is what I would call it.
I initially was working withadults with disabilities, doing
community-based cares and directsupport is what it's called
entry-level position.
Entry-level position ended upgoing from there and getting
(12:30):
involved in, uh, youthcorrections or youth.
Uh, I worked at a youthemergency shelter through an
organization called four oaks iniowa city and that's where I
kind of was first exposed to lawenforcement.
Because, uh, those, thoseshelters are are emotionally
charged and and full youngadults, young troubled adults,
and so inevitably crimes arecommitted and the police need to
(12:51):
be called.
And I started to interact withthe police there a little bit
and I had one experience inparticular where this officer
just took.
I just couldn't believe howmuch time he gave to these
little girls.
I just couldn't believe howmuch time he gave to these
little girls.
They, they, they were two like13 year old girls that got into
a straight up fist fight andwe're pulling each other's hair
and clawing and scratching eachother and we called and I
(13:12):
assumed the cops to show up andjust haul one of them off or
both of them off.
But this officer, he, he.
I ended up working with himlater but uh, uh, he just took
all the time and he took likeover an hour and talked to these
two and they were bothinitially wanting charges
pressed and they wanted to sueeach other and you know they had
all.
They just had such animosity bythe time he was done talking
(13:33):
with them.
They were friends and theyremained friends and no one was
charged.
I don't even think he I mean,he could have just been a master
at getting out of writing areport too, for all I know, but
I don't even yeah, or I got goodat that, but it was impressive
to me and it just kind of itturned me on to a different side
of law enforcement that Ididn't realize existed, still
(13:56):
didn't decide it's what I wantedto do.
I just was impressed by thatmoment and worked there for a
while, ended up being drawntoward juvenile more of the
correction side of juveniledelinquency, and got a job at
the Lynn County JuvenileDetention Center up in Cedar
Rapids as a tracker a juvenilecourt tracker and so I worked
(14:24):
closely with the juvenile courtofficers to provide
community-based supervision totypically the higher risk kids,
and in Cedar Rapids some ofthese kids are legitimate gang
members and some of their crimesare gun related violence.
You know a lot of violence andso I was going and doing home
visits with these kids, you know, at their, at their house and
(14:46):
in the rough part, roughestparts of Cedar Rapids and Cedar
Rapids is a fairly rough townand I enjoyed it.
But my ability to really doanything to help was very
limited and that becamefrustrating because I would go
and I would see.
You know one kid in particularpops up in my mind because I
(15:09):
would go to his house and hismom, his dad, who knows where
his dad was, and his mom youknow, depending on the day, if
you could even find her and theylived in this big old house,
big old craftsmanship stylehouse that had just fallen into
complete disrepair, and a lot oftimes I'd have to walk into the
house and walk around the housejust even find him, and he'd be
(15:29):
.
He would have been up, you know,all night running around and
doing drugs and a lot of timeshe'd still be sleeping on a, you
know, all night running aroundand doing drugs and a lot of
times he'd still be sleeping ona, you know, just a mattress in
the corner of some room at twoo'clock in the afternoon.
And that was very common, thattype of situation, that type of
experience.
And I always wanted to, youknow, I'd call, I'd contact the
juvenile court and say this is,this living environment is
(15:51):
terrible, his mom's neglectinghim and you, they just nothing
would be done.
And so I started to to reallyhave a desire to want to do more
, and I also interacted with thepolice a lot on that in that
career too.
So I had more and more exposureto law enforcement and more and
more of a desire to have theability to affect change, and I
(16:12):
I realized that as a policeofficer I could do that.
So I became real drawn to itreal fast.
Uh, I applied for andinterviewed with, uh, cedar
rapids police department first Itested with them and, um,
knocked all the testing out ofthe park.
Like this is this is back.
Keep in mind, this is back whena department like that would
(16:35):
have 500 applications at a time?
Speaker 1 (16:37):
yeah, not like it is now where three people show up
yeah, and so I was up against.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
Uh, I mean, on testing day there were several
hundred people that showed upjust to test yeah and uh.
So the competition was prettystiff and I had really good
experience and really goodknowledge of the town based on
my job.
But, uh, the interview, thefirst like pre-interview process
, they went through the list ofyou know, have you ever done
this and have you ever done that, you ever done this?
(17:03):
And it came to, came up to haveyou know what, what type of
drugs have you done?
And I'd had, I had done a fewin my in my younger days, and my
, my approach going in was I'mjust going to be honest about it
, cause I, I have that's oneaspect about me.
I have like almost a compulsiveneed to be honest.
Um, sometimes, in times wheresometimes to a fault, I would
(17:27):
say, but that's what, that wasmy take I said, if I, if I can't
be honest and get hired, then Idon't, I don't deserve to do
this job.
And so I was honest and theykicked me out of the process
immediately.
So I mean up against 500 otherapplications.
Nothing incredibly unique aboutme, I don't.
You know.
Looking back, I see why I gotthe boot.
(17:47):
You know, at the time, you'vedone drugs, you're out, and it
hadn't even been very recently,it had been like when I was, you
know, back in the day.
But that was discouraging, butI really wanted to do it and so
I decided maybe I could make aconnection through the juvenile
court.
That would get me a foot in thedoor with some department in
(18:08):
the area and I could overcome myindiscretions of my youth.
And that's exactly what I did.
There was a Iowa city PD at thetime had a uh, a detective
assigned to juvenile casesspecifically and I had gotten to
know him.
His name is Kevin Bailey, andone day I was at the juvenile
court office and he he came inand he said we're hiring and
(18:30):
we're looking for people withjuvenile experience.
And I thought I got juvenileexperience, I want to get hired.
And so I started.
I started talking, got juvenileexperience, I want to get hired
.
And so I started.
I started talking with him.
I went and did a coupleride-alongs with guys on patrol.
I uh, I came and talked to himat his office.
I saw the PDA, it wasintroduced to the chief.
I kind of I did exactly what Iwas hoping when it would happen.
(18:51):
I got a foot in the door and uhso I applied and um, I feel like
I just was about to saysomething, I forgot what it was
but um, I applied and, and youknow, same same hurdles came up.
I also, I should mention, I hadbeen arrested for owi too, when
(19:11):
I was 18 um, and so the samehurdles and roadblocks came up
but because I had establishedthat personal connection, I was
able to overcome it and Kevinactually ended up doing my
background check and he reallyreally wanted me to get hired
because he saw the potential inme and liked my juvenile
experience a lot.
So he he had me write a bunch ofextra like almost essays about
(19:37):
some of the you know about.
How did I get arrested and why.
You know why am I not?
Why is it not an issue anymore?
And you know why did you?
You know how did you end updoing drugs?
How many times did you do it?
You know, did just just had meexplain in writing those things
and that that seemed to do thetrick.
It got me through to the chiefand the chief's interview went
(19:57):
well.
I got hired.
One thing, oh, that's what Iwas going to say On one of the
ride-alongs.
I rode at night, late at night,and I went into the roll call
meeting and I saw these guyssitting in the corner and
weren't dressed in the uniformlike everybody else, they had
beards and they looked, looked,they just kind of looked
important and uh I I said to theguy, the officer I was riding
(20:24):
with, I said what's going onover there, what are those guys
doing?
They were the street crimesunit the street crimes action
team is what it was called, andI found out what they did.
they worked proactive cases,they wrote search warrants, they
kicked doors and in the middleof the night they were after the
worst worst and I justadrenaline, baby adrenaline I
just locked on and I said I'mdoing that, I don't care how
long it takes, I'm doing that.
And so I got hired and just Iwas just all in, went to the
(20:50):
academy.
I wouldn't say I love theacademy, but I I got a lot out
of it, you know, went throughfield training, it all.
It all just felt like secondnature.
It felt like a calling.
I just took to it like a, likea duck to water and put a lot,
of, a lot of effort and energyinto it and my career just took
off by.
So I was hired in 2015 and by2018, I was named officer of the
(21:13):
year for the department.
I was able to become a fieldtraining officer.
I was a DRE and drug recognitionexpert.
I actually went to DRE schooland graduated first in my class,
got an award for academics inthe class, which I don't think
any law enforcement training isparticularly tough, but DRE
(21:34):
school is hard for lawenforcement training is
particularly tough, but dreschool is is hard for a lot of
law enforcement training I thinkit's.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
I think it's one of the.
Yeah, I think most lawenforcement training is kind of
spoon-fed, it's not really thatdifficult, but yeah, um, I was a
dre school.
That that's.
It's a lot of training.
Oh, you went to.
Yeah, I did dre, yeah okay,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
So I was a dr, I had the briefcase, yeah, yeah,
stethoscope and everything ohyeah yeah, so I was a dre and,
uh, I joined the, joined the tacteam.
Uh, we called it srt, a specialresponse team.
Um did that all by 2018 and oneofficer of the year, and so I
knew I was in a in a primeposition to apply for that unit
(22:17):
uh, the street crimes unit thatI wanted to be on, and, sure
enough, um spent most of 2019training uh, training on the
street, being an FTO, and by theend of 2019, there was an
opening.
I applied for it, interviewedand I got.
I got picked for the streetcrimes unit.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Nice Dream come true in your eyes.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Yeah, and I was up against some stiff competition.
I had a couple other guys thatinterviewed for it.
I had two, three times thenumber of years on, and one of
them had been a supervisor at adifferent department.
I put a lot into it and itpanned out and I got selected
for it at the end of 2019.
And so, beginning of 2020, Istart working that job and I
(23:03):
mean it was literally like, ifyou've seen the movie Training
Day, the first day I hopped inthe car with the guy that had
been on the unit for three orfour years and it was.
I mean, it's Iowa City.
It's not a big city, but itfelt like a movie.
He drove me around and he gaveme a hard time and he talked a
lot of trash and he even quotedTraining Day several times.
(23:29):
Are you serious?
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Yeah, was he being real or was he just testing?
Speaker 2 (23:33):
you dude, he was messing with me, okay, which is
exactly what Denzel does intraining day.
Yes, okay, so you caught on toit, though I did, but it's still
like it.
That's an.
That's a pretty unwinnablesituation when you're going into
, because it's a totallydifferent type of policing.
So all of your training out thewindow.
You know this.
(23:54):
You know like you, you don'twear a vest with all of your
tools on it, or a belt with allyour tools on it, and you don't.
You have to learn a whole newset of uh norms and and you know
tactics and how to act, how tocarry yourself, what to look for
.
It's a.
It's like a different jobcompletely, um, but I loved it.
(24:15):
And then, uh, so that's anearly 2020, and then, uh, the
world came to an end.
Uh, actually had.
We had our first kid march 4thof 2020, and then, about five
days later, cove had hit, andthen, a couple months after that
, the george floyd incidenthappened and the riots kicked
off, and every, I'm telling you,2020 changed everything for me.
(24:39):
I had uh good or bad?
it was.
It was an.
It was a crazy year.
It was just crazy.
We had a massive uptick in gunviolence in iowa city and so my
my unit went from beingprimarily proactive, uh, to
being assigned all of theseshootings.
I mean, at one point I had 19shooting cases on my caseload,
(25:01):
golly, and most of them werepeople that don't cooperate with
the police Victims, suspects,witnesses.
Nobody cooperates with thepolice, and so they were the
kind of cases where we knew whodid it, but we couldn't put it.
We couldn't get a chargetogether because we couldn't.
We didn't have anybody tocooperate with it, right, and so
(25:23):
we ended up, uh, we ended upgetting together with the US
attorney's office and coming upwith a plan to build a case
against these guys, because wehad traced we traced a lot of
the guns to the same source,which was some.
Some gang members from chicagohad moved to iowa city and they
had found this lower functioningguy uh in town who they were
(25:49):
manipulating into doing strawpurchases.
They were they were getting himto walk into.
They were giving him moneywalking.
He was walking into shields,buying a gun, coming out and
handed it off to them and hebought we ended up figuring out
he bought like 30 or 40 guns ina couple months, and a lot of
them were directly tied to theshooting incidents so put
together this uh operationcalled operation scarecrow straw
(26:12):
purchases, scarecrow creative,I think ended up with uh six,
six indictments and sixconvictions on this conspiracy
to to uh traffic weapons case,which is pretty cool.
There's a lot of us that wentinto it.
I don't, I can't take creditfor it.
I had a, I had a role in it,you know I didn't it was not the
(26:32):
mastermind of it, but it was.
It was pretty cool, but anyway,through the course of 2020 it
just.
Iowa city had over 30 daysstraight of riots.
After the george floyd thing,the city council members were
actually out leading some of theprotests and riots and
advocating for defunding thepolice, abolishing the police
(26:54):
department, writing articlesabout abolishing the police and
everything just fell apart.
So I'm saying everythingchanged.
I went from officer of the yearon top of the world to
basically to.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
Yeah, and the public hating you.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
Yeah, yeah.
For nothing you did yeah, fornothing you did I, I had.
I.
I became very, very paranoid inthe middle of the riots.
Uh, somebody looked me up andcontacted, uh, my parents, my
sister, an aunt, uh and my wife,and and made threats to dox my
(27:36):
address and make it a target forthe rioters and protesters, um,
and called me a war criminal.
Because we had actually one ofthe nights of the riots in Iowa
city, the night I was describingto you earlier, that we
deployed tear gas and OC andeverything on a crowd that was
trying to go and block thefreeway in the middle of the
night.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
Not just a freeway.
We were talking I-80.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yeah, interstate 80.
Yeah, interstate 80 in themiddle of the night and there
was some videos that went viralon Twitter that night in Iowa
City.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
From what I understood.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
At the time, iowa City riots were like the number
three trending topic in theworld on twitter.
Briefly, wow, and so I guess Iguess what happened.
This is the best that I couldpiece it together is this guy
saw something on twitter and sohe looked up the iowa city
police department and probablythere was an article written
about me when I won officer ofthe year.
I'm guessing that popped up andthat's how he targeted me.
(28:35):
Yep, um, I don't really know.
I ended up tracking him down totexas.
He was a guy, just somekeyboard warrior in texas.
It turned out wannabe antifakind of guy, and I had the local
sheriff's office go down thereand talk to him.
I don't, I don't know exactlywhat they did, but they called
back and said I wouldn't behearing from him again and I
(28:56):
didn't, so I didn't ask anyquestions.
Speaker 1 (29:00):
Taken care of TCO, taken care of Handled.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
Yeah.
So, anyway, everything changed.
We decided we wanted to leaveIowa City.
We didn't want to raise afamily there.
I didn't want to be working fora department, you know, working
for a city who's kind of citycouncil and city manager trying
to defund and abolish and itjust.
There was an environment ripefor, you know, being an officer
(29:28):
who's made an example of in thename of the movement you know so
I could just picture beingforced to make a split second
decision and then just beinghung out to drive by the city
and, you know, incarcerated,probably arrested, charged,
probably.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, so we decided to move todes moines.
My wife is originally fromankeny and I wanted to.
I really at the time was didn'twant to do, didn't want to be a
(29:50):
cop anymore.
Everything fell apart so fastand I, looking back, how many
years you got there.
I was there like six and a halfyears okay um, so that's about
the burnout phase.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Yeah, six years.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Yeah well, I'm looking and looking back.
I didn't realize my, my mentalhealth was terrible terrible at
that time.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Did everybody else around you know though?
Well, I I sorry, yeah yeah,they did.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
They did um.
My last performance review atthe iowa city pd keep in mind
2018 I'm officer of the year.
Uh, my last performance reviewin would have been in 2021,
right before I left.
Um, it was all about howterrible my attitude was.
I had a lieutenant and asergeant talk to me about how I
(30:38):
had such a bad attitude and howyou know I had.
I don't remember exactlyanything they said, but it was
just over and over and overabout how my attitude was and
how I.
You know, I used to be so drivenand motivated and you know, if
someone gave me a task, I did itright away and I did it to the
best of my ability to just kindof doing the bare minimum.
(31:01):
And you know, sometimes justcalling in sick or just not
showing up, or you know, I justI really there was a stark
difference and, looking back, II wish someone had pulled me
aside and said are you okay?
But right, that just wasn't theculture, it was you.
You know, get your shittogether, figure it out, stop
(31:22):
with your bad attitude.
You know that we don't toleratethat here.
This is on you to figure it out,but anyway it.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
I wish someone had had just stopped to think you
know, officer of the year tothis like right, well, and they,
and the thing is is thatthey've had that same
conversation with you, with 70of the department, like, but yet
we don't have a, we're notrelating what's happening here.
Yeah, like we're just, yeah,we're telling people well,
you're no longer what you usedto be.
(31:50):
You used to be love coming here.
You used to be the extra shiftguy.
You used to do this.
Now you don't.
Well, how about we look at theroots of that?
Yeah, yeah.
Instead of just saying yourattitude sucks.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
I didn't see it either.
I blame.
I was blaming every, everyoneand everything else other than
my own myself or my own mentalhealth or the way I felt, and
you know it was.
there's some leadership issuesthat the department, just like a
lot of departments, and youknow it's easy for me to say all
of my problems are due to poorleadership or all of my problems
(32:25):
are due to what I'veexperienced with these riots and
you know, this invasion ofprivacy of this guy calling me
and, as you know too, when you,when you work in plainclothes on
a street crimes unit or youknow you, you did the narc thing
.
It's a lot more personal whenyou, when you charge somebody,
when you show up at someone'shouse in plainclothes and the
(32:47):
you know, you charge themtypically with felonies instead
of misdemeanors.
I remember that Jake was the onethat did it.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
You went through her underwear drawer.
Yeah, you're going through alltheir private stuff.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
You wear a uniform and a badge and the majority of
people just see a cop, a uniformand a badge.
I got arrested by the police,but when you, when you work
plain clothes, it's Jake or Itold you they had a nickname for
me with the beard golden beard.
You know, golden beard did this.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
That's a legit picture too.
You showed me.
By the way, we're going toshare that, one of these, one of
these episodes.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Yeah, uh, golden beard put this case on me and
sent me to prison, you know, andso I just got real, real
paranoid.
Just because of that too,because people knew my name.
They just didn't know theuniform.
Anyway, decided to move to DesMoines and I didn't want to be a
(33:46):
cop, but I thought I'll give itanother shot, because switching
careers and moving cities atthe same time seems impossible.
And you know, we had to buy ahouse real quick and the
interest rates were so low thatcompetition was sky high.
We got into bidding war overour house and everything.
It just switching careers atthat time was going to be one
too many things.
So, I decided I'll at least gosomewhere very different than
Iowa City.
So I picked West Des Moines,which looked like the picture
(34:10):
perfect place to work.
Very, very different city, verypro-police government and just
the citizens of West Des Moinesvery pro-police, as opposed to
Iowa City, where there's ahealthy mix.
We'll call it it's an eclecticplace, a melting pot.
And so I got hired a.
(34:31):
There was kind of a honeymoonperiod there where I was
reinvigorated.
You know, I was glad to be in aplace that supported the, the
police, you know, and I camefrom iowa city where where, by
the time I left, we couldn'tchase cars, and then I even,
just alone, just being able tochase cars in west des moines,
lit my fire again you know,because it's like we're being
being the police.
(34:52):
But that wore off pretty quicklybecause those problems I had in
iowa city, uh, you know, I justcould distract myself for a
while but they, they were comingback.
My mental health still was notnot good at all and the allure
of the new department beingperfect wore off and they have
just as many problems there andit's just as stressful inside
(35:17):
that building as it was insidethe building in Iowa City.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
It's not always greener on the other side, it's
just grass.
Speaker 2 (35:23):
Yeah, and so then I run into it.
I hit this place where I'm likeman, my dream job is not
working out, I don't want to doit.
I don't want to go to workworking out, I don't want to do
it.
I don't want to go to work, Idon't, I just don't want to do
it at all.
And I started getting more andmore depressed, more bitter, and
uh ended up going on paternityleave in uh 2023, july 17th,
(35:46):
2023, and I never went back 2023and I never went back.
At the time, I chalked it up toburnout.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Now.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
I know it was PTSD, severe PTSD, because shortly
after I quit, I started havingpanic attacks, flashbacks, all
of the symptoms of PTSD, all ofthe textbook symptoms, and now,
keep in mind I'd been having alot of those prior, but I just,
I just thought it was the costof doing business In 2019, we
(36:16):
talked about this I I wasn't onscene for an officer involved
shooting, but I responded tohelp an officer who had been
shot in the face several timeswith a CO2 pellet gun.
And when I got there this is aguy I know, this is a friend of
mine and he his face was justcovered in blood and he looked
(36:37):
at me with the most fear I'veever seen on any person's face.
He very obviously thought hewas about to die and I was in
the position of having toreassure him and I didn't.
I didn't know, I didn't know,and I, I, just I.
The only thing I could think todo at the time is just tell me
it was going to be okay.
Uh, because I didn't really seean alternative, and so I checked
(36:58):
him.
I mean, I checked him over.
I could see puncture holes inhis cheeks and and he had, you
know, one right here that wentin through his uh forehead.
Even those CO2 pistols are nojoke, especially at point blank
range.
He got hit with it.
He returned fire and hit thesuspect too.
I showed up.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Unload on his face with the pellet gun.
Did you guys know it was apellet gun at that point?
Speaker 2 (37:26):
No, that's the thing.
I didn't know what he'd beenhit with you.
Speaker 1 (37:28):
just see your buddy there with holes in his face and
a look on his face that he'sabout to die.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
Yeah, I, I knew it was a small caliber, uh, but I
thought it was probably going toend up being a 22.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
Yeah, much kill.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Yeah, pellet guns kill.
Yeah, um, and it was a pelletgun, but they went.
I mean those pellets wentthrough and through his cheeks
and I mean they got lodged inthe back of his throat.
He had one lodged in his sinus.
I mean it very easily couldhave, could have killed him and
the the prosecution agreed withthat.
And they're actually those,those pistols are they meet the
(38:02):
definition of a dangerous weapon?
in the state of iowa due to thevelocity of the projectile.
But yeah, that incident, youknow I looked him over.
He was breathing, he, you knowhe was tracking me with his eyes
.
He, I didn't see any you knownothing on his abdomen and it
(38:25):
was all in his face and I there.
Just there was nothing for meto do because throughout my
entire law enforcement career Inever got any advanced medical
training.
It's like do you need cpr, doyou need a tourniquet or a chest
seal?
The answer is no, we're waitingfor the ambulance, you know.
And so I told him you're goingto be fine.
I, I could hear the ambulancesiren coming, so a little
(38:46):
different siren than you knowother emergency vehicles.
I could hear it.
I said they're almost here.
I got to go check and see if,if I can save the person you
shot because you know I want.
I didn't necessarily care toomuch about that person at that
time, but I didn't want him todeal with everything.
I didn't want him I thought thisin the moment which is wild but
(39:06):
I didn't want him to have todeal with everything he was
clearly already dealing with,plus some, you know, having
killed somebody.
So I wanted to go and try andsave her if I could.
Turns out she's only shot inthe hand.
And so I told you I think turnsout she's only shot in the hand
(39:28):
.
And so I told you I think Itold you this the other day.
I even said out loud, I said oh, you just shot in the hand.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
Who gives a shit?
Yeah, you know, like you,whatever.
But yeah, you just got yourbuddy in the face.
I mean, that's kind of a commonreaction.
Speaker 2 (39:32):
Yeah, yeah, yeah but I checked her over and it was
just in the hand and ambulance.
Two ambulances showed up, onetook her, one took him and I
went him and I went back to I,just went back to patrol, no one
.
No one asked if I was okay orif I wanted to go home or or
anything.
I just went back to patrol andin fact we spent the rest of
that night so short staffed thatI was handling.
(39:55):
I handled pretty much everycall.
I went on myself, domestics bymyself, everything I did that
night night I went by myself andit was a call to call.
Iowa City's got a high callvolume, not uncommon for one
officer to handle 15, 20 callsfor service in an eight hour
shift there.
Yeah, and that's becausethey're understaffed, because
the city doesn't like thedepartment.
(40:16):
But I tell that story just tosay like I started having night
terrors very regularly afterthat incident.
I started having flashbacks, Istarted having panic symptoms,
but I chalked it all up to thecost of doing business.
It's almost a badge of honor tosay that I was having those
(40:36):
symptoms.
I joked about my night terrorsall the time and if I ever found
another officer who who couldrelate, if we just man, we just
bonded.
We just bonded immediately.
Oh, you're dealing with thenight tears and we just laugh
about it.
We didn't do anything to helpright situation, we just laughed
about it yep, well, you'remessed up too, okay, well, yeah
(40:57):
yeah, and so looking back,that's, you know that was that
incident was six years ago today, july 31st 2019.
And that's when my you know Ihad trauma before that,
different experiences on the jobbefore that too.
But that's when a manageableamount of trauma turned into
PTSD.
Looking back, I just didn'tknow it.
Speaker 1 (41:19):
You didn't realize what it slowly turned you into.
Yeah.
And then you have those bigcalls.
You know, we have these callsin our career.
They're like hammer calls.
They kind of hurt a little bitbut it's just like a hammer hit.
But then we have thesesledgehammer calls.
They just take you out at theknees and that's what that call
was.
Right there, man, it's yeah,and today's the anniversary yeah
(41:39):
yeah, you, yeah, you're doingokay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
This is the best I've done on this day since it
happened, and it's because I'vebeen taking care of myself for
the first time.
This is the first year goinginto it that I've, you know,
I've had a therapist and I'vehad a coach and I've, you know,
I've got a psychiatrist and I'vebuilt the community around me
for support and understandingand it's been a very much
(42:11):
different experience today thanit has been the last several
years.
The last several years I justtried my best to numb it out,
ignore it, pretend I didn't knowwhat day it was.
But you can't get away from it.
Speaker 1 (42:24):
Let's go ahead and wrap this episode up.
Will you stick around foranother one?
Pretend I didn't know what dayit was, but you can't, can't get
away from it.
Yep, um, let's go ahead andwrap this episode up.
Will you stick around foranother one?
Sure, we're at that 42 minuteMark.
Um, let's go ahead and stopthere and then we'll pick right
back up with the next episode.
Sure, um, so yeah, you guyslistening.
Um, we'll do the next episode.
Um, stick around here.
More about Jake and his trauma,coaching what he's doing and
(42:45):
how he's turning all of his paininto purpose.
So, jake, thank you for beinghere today, and we will see you
guys next week.
And that wraps up anotherepisode of the 1042 Project
Shared Voices Podcast.
Thank you for tuning in andjust a reminder, we are a 501c3.
If you guys can support us.
(43:06):
You can go to our website or,if you know an organization or a
company or your church may wantto get involved in supporting
1042 Project's mission ofequipping, restoring and
repurposing our first responders, please reach out to us at
10-42projectorg.
There is a giving page on there.
We need your help.
We need your support.
If you can't give financially,please be willing to share the
(43:28):
word of our podcast, of ourorganization and the work that
God's doing.
Thank you and have a blessedweek.
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