May 23, 2025 • 43 mins
What happens when those who protect our communities struggle to safeguard their own marriages? Aaron Groves, retired Jasper County deputy and director of Impact Iowa's Heroes, returns to the Shared Voices podcast to tackle the unique challenges facing first responder marriages and offer practical paths to restoration.
"Most people go into a first responder marriage assuming it's going to be like any other normal marriage, and that couldn't be further from the truth," Groves shares from personal experience. The conversation dives deep into how the professional requirement to suppress emotions during crisis situations creates unintended consequences at home. "You really can't select which emotions you shut down and which ones you turn back on," he explains, revealing how this impacts not just processing trauma, but experiencing joy and love with family.
The heart of many marital struggles lies in communication breakdowns and unresolved conflict. Groves details how understanding different conflict styles—his wife processes verbally while he tends toward avoidance—transformed their relationship. "Until you close that loop of conflict, you won't be able to connect with each other emotionally, physically, or spiritually," he notes, offering insight into how couples can break destructive patterns and build healthier communication.
Perhaps most powerful is the discussion around vulnerability. Many first responders, particularly men, view asking for help as a weakness rather than a strength. Daniel challenges this mindset: "The uncomfortableness of not doing stuff like this is a heck of a lot worse... let that uncomfortableness be to something that leads to life and not to divorce." Through Impact Iowa's Heroes marriage events, couples find not just tools but community with others who understand their unique lifestyle challenges.
Whether your marriage is in crisis or you simply want to strengthen your connection, this conversation offers hope and practical steps forward. Register for upcoming Impact Iowa's Heroes marriage events at impactiowasheroes.org and discover how intentional investment in your relationship can transform "just roommates" into genuine partners for life.
Register for the one-day marriage event on Saturday, June 28th, with special guests Jeff & Shaunti Feldhahn. Register at https://subsplash.com/theway-ia/lb/ev/+kv7vz4h
Register for the powerful 2025 Marriage Getaway at https://givebutter.com/h1IHcC
Fri, Nov 14 5:00 PM – Sat, Nov 15 4:00 PM CST
If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline.
To contact us directly send an email to Dan@10-42project.org or call 515-350-6274
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to another episode of the Shared Voices
podcast by the 1042 Project.
We're excited today we gotAaron Groves back with us.
He's been on our podcast before.
He is out of the Jasper Countyarea, retired Jasper County
deputy.
He's also the director ofImpact Iowa's Heroes, one of the
(00:22):
most fruitful organizations inthe state of Iowa that is
restoring marriages, equippingmarriages, saving marriages.
That a lot of relationships.
They didn't think that theycould save it but they've been
able to come to Impact Iowa'sHeroes get some healing and to
learn how to be a married firstresponder couple.
(00:43):
Aaron, we go into this careerand we think we're just supposed
to know how to be the perfecthusband, the perfect wife,
especially in a job that's fullof trauma.
That's hard.
So thank you for joining us.
You want to give us a littlequick bit about you?
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Yeah, actually, let's see, I grew up in a law
enforcement family.
My dad was 30 plus years withNewton Police Department and it
was in my blood, so I decided tojoin the Jasper County
Sheriff's Office and clear backin 2003 and then developed a
lung disease from a mold sporeexposure and that took me out of
(01:20):
it in 2020.
But I met my wife while I wasworking at the sheriff's office
and we got married in 2007.
And, yeah, as you said, I thinkpeople go into a marriage in a
first responder marriageassuming that it's going to be
like any other quote, unquote,normal marriage, and that
(01:44):
couldn't be further from thetruth.
And so, yeah, we learned.
We made a lot of mistakes alongthe way and learned what not to
do, and you know it took us along time to get to a healthy
place in our marriage, but nowwe get to help others and that's
it's a blessing to us to beable to pass on what we've
(02:05):
learned.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
You know I talk about this a lot, but so many of us,
especially men, we think there'sshame in asking for help.
But, listeners, you have neverbeen a first responder before.
Who's been married, who's beendealing with trauma, and even if
you have the call you hadyesterday, is the first time
(02:26):
you've ever dealt with it thatexact call.
There's new things that comealong.
You are not intended to do thisalone.
You were never intended to tryto figure it out on your own.
Um, that leads to death,destruction and divorce.
I can testify to that.
But being able to have anorganization like yours, aaron,
(02:48):
where you guys are equipping andrestoring marriages and I know
and correct me if I'm wrong, butyou and your wife's marriage
wasn't always sunshines andrainbows and you guys went to
Impact Iowa's Heroes to get somehelp Is that how it started?
And then it impacted yourmarriages so much that you
started to volunteer your time,and now you get some help.
Is that how it started, andthen it impacted your marriages
so much that you started tovolunteer your time and now you
(03:08):
are the director?
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Mostly, our marriage really got better and took off
when we got plugged into a goodchurch and we started focusing
on each other instead ofourselves, as far as how we
could best serve one another.
Because it was all about what Iwant and what I should get out
(03:32):
of the marriage and you know,our relationship with Christ
kind of reverses that and it'sabout, you know, serving our
spouses, serving God and servingour spouses.
And so our marriage was in apretty good place.
When we went to Impact, I washere, but we have three kids and
we heard about this marriagegetaway event.
It was overnight.
They put you up in a hotel roomand they give you marriage
(03:53):
coaching and we were like, man,we don't even care if this sucks
, we get a weekend away from ourkids, we have grandparents in
town that can watch the kids andit's just an opportunity for us
to get away and focus on eachother.
(04:13):
And the reality of it is is wewe don't do it enough.
Married couples just do not doit enough.
Um, and some of that's apriority issue.
You know we prioritize otherthings above our marriage, um,
and that's that's out ofpriority order.
Um, and, and you know we justget busy too and we don't put it
on the calendar or we're justnot intentional.
And so we try to create impactI was heroes tries to create a
(04:35):
intentional time and space forpeople to connect in their
marriage and to strengthen theirmarriage, where they really get
to just focus on each other,and we and we don't do that
enough.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
And a healthy marriage doesn't happen by
accident.
I've never met anybody thatsaid man, I don't know.
We just woke up someday and ourmarriage has been perfect from
day one.
You have to be intentionalabout it, you have to put time
and effort into it, you have tohumble yourself, you have to be
willing to learn.
You have to be willing to learn, you have to be willing to to
(05:07):
listen, and I know part of whatyou guys do.
Besides, equipping is restoringand it comes along with
marriage coaching.
Can you kind of explain alittle bit what impact iowa's
heroes mission is for coaching,why you have have that and how
can that help a couple that'sstruggling and kind of caught
(05:30):
into this cycle of suck?
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Yeah, so the coaching aspect, and there's a
difference between coaching andcounseling.
You know, counseling is more ofdigging into your past, finding
out why you are the way you are, and we do some of that in
coaching.
But it's more about OK, this iswhere you're at.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Where do you?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
want to move forward to, and we will help you move
forward.
If you want a great marriage,we can help you get there.
It doesn't mean it's going tobe easy.
It doesn't mean we're going toask you or suggest to you to do
everything that you want to do,but we're going to help you get
to a place where your marriageis enjoyable.
(06:11):
And you know and God gave usmarriage as a gift and it truly
is a blessing to be able to dolife together with someone else,
with Christ at the center of itand man, it's so much fun when
marriage is done right.
It's so much fun, it's soenjoyable.
(06:33):
Again doesn't mean hard timesare going to come, but you can
work through those hard times,and that's part of what we do,
too, is we help couples workthrough conflict in a healthy
way.
And I don't know about you, dan,but like what I was shown in
marriage, or what my perceptionwas, was essentially to avoid
(06:55):
conflict and then, until it cameboiling out in me as anger,
that's when it got dealt with,and that's not healthy and you
end up saying things that arehurtful and that you regret, or
doing things that are hurtfuland that you regret, and so we
try to help couples learntactics or techniques to deal
(07:20):
with conflict in a healthy way,so controlled pouring out, so it
doesn't come squirting out, asmy pastor says.
And so, yeah, and and andconflict is the biggest thing.
Conflict resolution and and DrGary and Barb Rosberg, who are
the founders of our organization, marriage coaches, have been
(07:41):
doing it for, you know, 50 plusyears and are amazing at it and
have traveled the world.
They talk about this open loopof conflict.
Like there is this open loop ofconflict when you have an issue
with your spouse.
Until you close that loop, youwon't be able to connect with
each other emotionally,physically or spiritually, like
(08:02):
God intended Again, until thatloop is closed.
And so how do you do that?
Well, it's different foreverybody, but the main thing is
is you talk about it and you doit in a healthy way.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Yeah, and I think in marriages a lot of times.
I know for me in my firstmarriage there was no talking
about it.
I was not a confrontationperson.
I was.
I'll get my car and I'll godrive for two hours and when I
get back I'll keep my mouth shutand I'll probably make some
snooty comments Enough to hurt,right?
(08:34):
Because it seems like, aaron,when we're struggling we hurt
the ones so closest to us.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
And a lot of times we don't mean to, but it comes out
and words matter and the tongueis the most strongest muscle in
the body that can destroysomebody.
And not having control overyour tongue is it talks about
that in the Bible as well andwith coaching you can learn to
not only get out of the conflictloop, but probably not get
(09:05):
yourself in the loop to beginwith, and to be able to process
some of those emotions thatyou're feeling in a healthy way.
So they're not coming out andand like mine would be anger, I
would disconnect.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Just shut her down, make her feel unloved, and a lot
of times we want to.
We want people to forgive usfor what we do based on our
intentions, not our actions.
Although we never give otherpeople that grace, we always
just judge them on their actions, even if they didn't mean to,
(09:41):
and I hear that a lot with firstresponders I work with and I
can relate to that.
She's just, she won't get overit because I did this, this and
this, and it's Aaron.
Probably 70 to 80% of the firstresponders our organization
works with are having maritalissues as well and a lot of
(10:03):
those those marriage issues thecommon thing I hear is we're
just roommates yeah justroommates.
Do you deal with that as well?
And when you get to theroommate phase, everybody thinks
the marriage is over.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Um, but it's not, it's not yeah, I, I think I
think, um, you know, from frompersonal experience, I didn't
share things with my wife.
I didn't.
Some of it was she didn't talkmy lingo right, she didn't talk
(10:38):
the cop lingo.
So I didn't want to have toexplain what was going on in my
day.
Have to explain what was goingon in my day, but as soon as and
she would ask me like how wasyour day?
I was fine, you know, you know,just avoid it.
And because I didn't want todeal with it.
But then my coworker recall thatwas on the scene with me and we
would process it together andthat was very hurtful to her and
(11:03):
it wasn't because she wantedgossip, it's because she cared
about, she knew something wasoff, she cared about me and you
know, the narrative in her headwas he doesn't love me.
He doesn't love me because hewon't talk to me about these
things.
And you know, for some peopleit's protection they don't want,
they don't want their spouse tohave to go through and feel
(11:25):
what they felt For others.
For, like me, I needed toprocess with someone else first.
But that caused a lot ofdisconnect in our marriage and
it was because one I wasn'tbeing open and honest and
truthful with her about whathappened in my day.
And number two, I wasn't eventelling her how I needed to
process, and it was really alack of communication.
(11:49):
I think that's where a lot ofyou know marriages get hung up
is.
There's just a lack ofcommunication and a lack of
understanding how each spouseprocesses.
Um, and for me, I'm an internalprocessor, I like to think
about things before I process it, and you know, dan, you talked
about taking off in a car anddriving.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
When it comes to conflict.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Reverting back to conflict, I'm an avoider Like on
the job.
I was not an avoider Like bringit on right.
I had the law behind me, Iwould win the conflict because I
was on the side of the law.
But when it came to my spouseand those closest to me and even
those that I love, I hateconflict and so I would avoid it
(12:31):
with the thought that it wouldjust take care of itself or
eventually go away.
But it never did.
And it wasn't until my wifefinally would get fed up enough
where she would force me to sitdown, talk about it and close
that loop of conflict.
And she is what they call avacillator.
So so when, when conflictarises, like she wants to talk
(12:53):
about it right now, she'sgetting out every thought in her
brain.
There is no processing exceptwhat's coming out of her mouth.
The dump, what's?
Speaker 1 (13:00):
that she's dumping it all.
She wants it all.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
And I took offense to that early on in our marriage.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Like that was offensive.
Her mouth, the dump.
What's that she's?
She's dumping it all.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
She wants it all yeah yeah, and I took offense to
that early on in her marriage,like that was offensive, like
she was attacking me.
Well, no, as I learned, likethat's how she processes and
it's not, I got to put myself ina position or a place like
don't be offended by it.
She's processing just like youprocess internally.
You need space, she needs toget it out, otherwise it's going
(13:26):
to tear her up inside and shewon't be able to think about or
do anything else until sheprocesses that.
And then, in the midst of herprocessing out loud, a lot of
times she's like that doesn'teven make sense, like, but it's
her speaking it out, and she'slike that doesn't even make
sense, but it's her speaking itout.
And so I had to come to a place.
Again, we had to learn abouteach other.
We had to learn how each otherprocess.
We had to learn how we processconflict effectively.
(13:50):
And then, if I can sit thereand let her process out loud and
she can give me the time orspace if I need it, because now
I've kind of worked through thisprocess of I'm going to let her
process out loud and then I'mgoing to share my thoughts and
feelings as I process whileshe's processing and that loop
(14:17):
of conflict gets closed so muchfaster and we get understanding
of each other's perspective.
But it's also about being openand honest and truthful too.
And you know, early on in mycareer, if I'd come home and
said you know what?
I had a bad day and I don'teven have to share details with
her, but I had a bad day and Ijust need a time to process with
someone else, one of mycoworkers, I need time to
process by myself, give me acouple hours Like that went such
(14:41):
a long way with her andeventually we got to that place
when I was still working and hermarriage was like hey, I just I
need a few hours.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
And she's like, okay, but that shut down the
narrative Like he doesn't loveme, you know he won't talk to me
and it's probably not just love.
Did she probably feel like youdidn't trust her?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Yeah, and as a spouse , that's a hurtful thing.
Right, that's what we have.
The biggest thing we have isour trust and our love, and I
think I've talked to you aboutthis before.
I don't remember who taught methis, but one of the things I
wish I would have done during mycareer and I like to teach
people about it is when you gethome from work.
You don't have to tell yourspouse everything right away,
but I like the number systemeither zero to five or zero to
(15:27):
10, where you can come home,walk in the door, give your
spouse a hug and say, hey, todaywas an eight or a nine, and
then let them know right away.
Or today was a three, it waseight or nine.
Then go, get out of youruniform, do your prayer, do your
pushups, go for your jog,whatever it may be something
healthy and then when you comeback, then have a little, have a
(15:48):
discussion about it and again,you don't have to go into all
the guts and glory, but let herknow a little bit.
You know, what would you say tothat?
And everybody always asks methis how much should I share
with my spouse?
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Do you know the answer to that?
I would say as much as she'scomfortable with and that you're
comfortable with.
You know there is such a thingand you probably know about this
than I do but like secondarytrauma, and you know when I
would share with my wife, Iwouldn't.
I wouldn't share the details.
You know, if I was on the sceneof a homicide or a suicide or,
(16:24):
um, you know, a bad car, Iwouldn't share the gory details
but I would.
I would speak in generalitiesof just like you know I was on
the scene of this accident andit it was not pretty, like the
person was mangled and like.
I'm thinking about that.
That's in my mind right now andI just I don't like it and I
need to process it and I'm notgoing to share all the details
(16:45):
with you.
And you know my wife, my wife,was at the point, she, she
wouldn't pry for anything else.
I think that's a healthy placefor spouses to be is just like
hey, I'm here, Like, if you wantto talk more about it, I'm here
, um, but also, if there's alimitation, like, hey, I, I
don't think I can take any moreof like the details, like, um,
(17:07):
but can I get you, you know, canwe get you to a counselor.
Can we get you to peer support?
You know, um, can we get you to1042 project to talk to them?
Um, you know and and knowingagain limitations.
But um, you know and andknowing again limitations.
But you know, as a firstresponder I wouldn't share
detail like the gory details.
I would just speak ingeneralities.
(17:28):
And again, my wife was goodwith that and like and that and
it was healing to me to to lether know what was going on in my
brain.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Yeah, and most spouses don't want to know the
nastiness of the job.
What they want to know is, youknow, honestly, they want to
know more of the emotional side,how you did Like hey, babe, I
was in shock, I cried for awhile.
I mean, this kid was dead and Ireally struggled.
(17:57):
It made me think about our ownkids.
It's kind of stuff like that,not so much of which way the
body was laying and that kind ofstuff.
Most spouses don't care aboutthat.
They care more about theemotional side, because I would
say this is coming to my headright now.
I would say they're moreworried about the state of mind
that you're in and what they cando to help you with that.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Yeah Well, most women connect on an emotional level.
Men connect on a physical level.
Right when we connect with ourspouse, most men spell intimacy,
sex, right.
Sex is how we experienceintimacy with women.
It's talking.
That's like they get chemicals.
When they get in a deep,emotional, intimate conversation
with someone, they get oxytocinreleased in the brain, like
(18:41):
that is a you know, a bondingchemical that's released and
that's done through talking forthem.
So they do care about thatemotion because they want to
connect with you on an emotionallevel.
And I'll tell you this too, formen who are first responders and
I and I am a walking testimonyof this we're really good at
shutting down emotions on thejob.
(19:02):
Right, we keep it together, wehold it together on the scene
because we have to.
We have to bring peace in themidst of chaos and we can't be
freaking out with everybody else.
That's freaking out.
The problem with that is youreally can't select which
emotions you shut down and whichones you turn back on.
(19:22):
It's like all or nothing, in asense.
And what I found was like I wasshutting down even my good
emotions, like love and joy andhappiness, and like that was
shutting down at home too, likeI wasn't flipping anything back
on when I got home and thereforemy wife wasn't connecting with
(19:43):
me on an emotional level.
So I think you're exactly right.
Women want to connect with menon an emotional level because
that's how they experienceintimacy, experienced trauma,
and we're not able to processthat and share things with our
(20:04):
spouse, we're going to bemissing an opportunity to
connect with them on anemotional level, which is what
they desire.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Yes, and even in trying to switch that switch on
when you go home, it's not aswitch that goes from zero to a
hundred and you're right back toyour normal self.
it takes time and that's why youthere's tools and stuff that
you can do to help decompress,get some of those um I'm not a
psychologist by any mean theendorphins or those, those, the
(20:32):
cortisol, some of that stuff outof your body.
You know, going for a run andstuff like that can get you to a
calmer place.
Prayer, obviously get yourselfto a calmer place to where that
switch can be turned back on,and turned back on in a healthy
way.
A lot of times we're trying toslam that switch up and down,
like our kids playing with thelight switch up and down and it
doesn't work like that, butthere are ways you can learn to
(20:54):
to get that switch turned backon in a healthy way and yeah
good, you said that I was justgoing to say when you were
talking about turning off aswitch to just one emotion.
You can't turn it off to youknow, you can't just turn it off
to select emotions.
Same thing with numbing invices, drinking and stuff like
that.
You can't just numb one of theemotions, right, you're numbing
(21:16):
everything.
You're numbing your joy, you'renot just numbing your sadness,
you're numbing your everything.
And it's kind of the same thing.
We can't selectively controlwhat emotion we have control
over at that moment.
It'd be cool if we did, but wedon't.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah, going back to your number system you're
talking about.
I think that's a great idea.
And one of the things my wifeand I tell new recruits in the
law enforcement world is and oneof the things my wife and I
tell new recruits in the lawenforcement world is you know,
process your day as you go home.
So, if you get off shift, getout of your uniform, process
your day as you're driving home,think about your shift, you
(21:52):
know.
And then when you get to thathalfway point, think about OK,
when I walk in the door, how amI going to greet my spouse, how
am I going to greet my kids?
And if you've had a bad day,you know, technology is
wonderful.
Like you can, you can text voiceto text, you know, I'm not, I'm
not promoting texting whiledriving, but you know, voice to
text.
Or a phone call to your spouse,say, hey, like, uh, I had a
(22:15):
really hard day.
Um, I worked today.
Like I'm going to come in, Ijust need some time.
Can you just take the kids inthe basement or get them in the
backyard, play with them?
Let me get in and get for a hotshower.
Let me get in and get changed,go for a run and come back home.
I just can't.
I just need some space and then, you know, I think that'll help
me be more present when I gethome after my jog or my shower
(22:35):
or whatever.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Yeah, and that's not disrespectful to her.
That's an honest way where sheknows that you're not avoiding
her.
It's not that you don't trusther, it's not that you don't
want to be around her, it's justyou need a moment and they
understand that.
It comes back to communication.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Yeah, absolutely man.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
So let's get into what Impact Iowa's Heroes is
doing and what they got comingup, because that's one of the
big reasons I wanted to have youon, because so many of our
listeners, so many of our firstresponders, their marriages are
not doing well.
Like I said, they're becomingroommates.
Of course, a lot of what thingsI hear from the guys is she
(23:16):
doesn't want to have sex with me, she don't love me, and then
that gets back to.
We got to connect emotionallyfirst and as men, we have to
learn how to communicate.
We may not know how tocommunicate successfully with
our wife, but again, weshouldn't.
We don't inherently.
We're not boring with thatdownloaded in us.
(23:38):
We're not a computer, butthere's ways that you can learn
to connect with your spouseemotionally.
There's a way you can learn toprocess trauma with your spouse,
not away from your spouse.
There's a way you can bring herin or him in, regardless if
you're male or female.
Bring him in, her in and allowher to be part of your healing
journey.
And allow her to be part ofyour healing journey, because if
(23:59):
you're intentional aboutincluding your spouse in your
healing, a lot of times when yougo through conflict, when you
go through trauma.
It can divide a couple or itcan bring them closer and closer
than ever, yeah, but it doesn'tgrow closer and to together.
(24:20):
In those times, if you're notintentional, it will go the
opposite way and it'll divideyou, it will separate you, you
will become numb to each other.
But you can intentionally getyourself prepared to know how to
be a healthy spouse and that'swhat you guys focus on.
And I'm going to go and pull upyour guys's website here and, if
you don't mind, I'm going toshare my screen and while I'm
(24:43):
doing this, if you want to talkabout because you have two major
events coming up- yeah, yep,we've got one coming up
immediately in June, june 28th,in Newton at Newton Church of
the Way.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
We're partnering with them, which I'm actually a
pastor at that church as well.
We are hosting a marriageconference there with Jeff and
Shanti Feldhahn.
And Jeff and Shanti we had themlast November at a marriage
getaway event for firstresponders and military couples
(25:20):
in West Des Moines and they areamazing speakers and amazing
researchers.
I mean, they've done a lot ofmarriage research and have come
up with tools and haveidentified things the way that
men and women are wired and howwe can better connect with one
another and they are just anamazing couple that love Jesus
(25:44):
and want to see marriagesstrengthened.
But, yeah, June 28th, from 9 amto 3 pm, we're going to be
having that conference and thatconference is actually open to
anyone the whole general public,anyone can come and be a part
of that.
The way Impact Hour Heroes ispartnering is we are paying for
half the registration fee.
The whole general public,anyone can come and be a part of
that.
Um, the way impact I was heroesis partnering is we are paying
for half the registration feefor that event.
(26:06):
So if you go into, uh, theregistration.
For that there's a discountcode you can enter and if you
are active duty, uh, retired ormilitary veteran, uh, and in the
first responder world, if youenter in the discount code hero
H-E-R-O, that'll give you halfoff for that event.
(26:28):
And that's just our way ofsaying thank you for your
service, whether you have servedor are currently serving, but
we know if you come to thisevent, you will be blessed by it
Again.
It's that intentional time,like we talked about earlier, of
just get out there and and getwith your spouse and um work on
(26:48):
each other jeff and shanti.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
You introduced them to me.
Um they're.
They're writing a new book Igot to sit down with them and
they interviewed me.
Um, you know, we've since had ahave a relationship now where
we talk to each other, and theyinterviewed me on their podcast
and I'm telling you they're someof the most loving, amazing
people who have dedicated theirwhole life to healthy marriages.
They live it out, they are somuch fun they're I mean, they're
(27:17):
entertaining um amazing stories.
They've written my gosh aaron.
They've written't know how manybooks.
Do you even know?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Oh, I bet it's seven, eight, ten books around there.
They've just done a number andactually my wife and I are
leading one of their books, abook study at our church.
We've got, I think, 25 or 26couples, but for men only, for
women only.
25 or 26 couples, but for menonly, for women only.
Listen, if you want to takeyour marriage from good to great
, or even if you want to learnmore about your spouse and you
(27:47):
know nothing about them, readthe books for men only and for
women only, and it's amazingwhat you'll learn about your
spouse.
I've been married for 17 yearsand I learned things about my
wife, even like how womenprocess emotions, how fast they
process emotions compared to tomen, and it was just fascinating
(28:09):
.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
I love that.
They're just man, they'reamazing people and I will tell
you this.
So one of my, one of myfavorite books I like and it's
not from them, but theirs aregreat too.
But just thinking out loud here, uh, the wild at heart series
by john eldridge, um, that's formen.
Well, his wife wrote one that'scalled um captivating, and it's
for women, and my wife and Iare.
(28:33):
We've read the men's one andshe's read the women's one.
What we're doing, I'm readingthe women's one, she's reading
the men's one and she we've hadsome of the best conversations
because she's learning a lotabout me, a lot about men, a lot
about the stuff that Godinherently put in us that
sometimes the world tries tosquash.
So I would say that was Jeffand Shanti's book.
(28:56):
I mean, would you agree thatmaybe read the wife ones too, if
you want to learn a little bitmore about your wife?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
So Jeff and Shanti actually gave Trish and I this
advice and we've passed it on toeveryone we've talked to about
those books.
So there's the book for menonly, but what you need to do is
you need to read, as a man, thefor women only book first,
because it's about men and men.
When you go through that bookfor them, you highlight what
(29:22):
applies to you and you bracketwhat doesn't apply to you, and
so cause, cause.
I mean Not everything theywrite about applies to me.
It's generalities like 70 to80% of men think this way or
feel this way.
Well, I don't feel that way, soI bracket it.
Or I do feel that way, so Ihighlight it.
(29:42):
And then when my wife goes toread the book for women only,
she sees oh wow, that applies toAaron.
I didn't know that, or it'sgood to know that this doesn't
apply to Aaron.
And she did the same thing forme for men, for men only.
We went on vacation lastDecember and first time we've
done that without kids in a longtime, but we wanted to take
(30:04):
intentional time just to focuson each other and we went
through those books and we didthat exact thing and it was just
so much fun on that vacation tolearn about each other, and so,
yeah, highly recommend readingthe book meant for the other and
saying this applies to me andthis doesn't.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Yeah.
So you guys listening, I'mtelling you do not miss out on
this opportunity.
Take time and I know there's amillion excuses in the world why
you can't be there.
Invest in your marriage.
I promise you you'll beentertained, you will, you will
have there.
Invest in your marriage.
I promise you you'll beentertained, you will.
You will have.
There will be joy, you willlearn, it'll be fun.
It's a powerful thing.
I wish I could be at that one.
(30:44):
But my son is getting marriedthat day.
Aaron, I can't believe I got akid getting married already.
It's holy.
Yeah, you know, you and I werein high school at the same time,
and to think that I got one.
It's man.
I'm telling you these grayhairs, come in quick.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
So this one again.
So this one is for firstresponder militaries, but it's
also for anybody outside of thatif they want to come, because I
know I don't know if all yourevents are like that.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
But no, typically most of our events are just for
active duty first responder andmilitary couples.
But we felt like you know, lastyear we put on our first event
for veterans and retired firstresponders.
But we feel like we're good athosting conferences.
That's one of our giftings, orone of the things we've become
proficient at, and we're likeyou know what.
Why not impact as manymarriages as possible?
You know, yeah, we have ourmission field in our our lane
(31:38):
that we try to stay in, butlet's impact as many marriages
as possible and it helps.
It helps civilians or peopleoutside of our first responder
world know that we exist.
So if they have a neighbor or afamily member that's struggling
in their marriage, they can sayhey well, we went to a
conference, you know, put on bythis organization that's there
(31:58):
for you.
Why don't you go check them out?
Speaker 1 (32:00):
And so yeah, part of the reason we're doing this is
for more exposure.
So, for those of you listeningon YouTube, you can look at the
screen here.
I've got it pulled up.
You can see the flyer that'sbeen made with Jeff and Shantae.
There's a QR code.
I'm going to scroll down here alittle bit more.
You'll be able to see there's aregister now button on the
(32:25):
Impact High West Heroes website.
Click on that and that's whereyou can type in your
registration and Aaron and histeam will get that Yep and you
will be ready for a powerful dayof sharpening your marriage
yeah man.
So we got about eight minutesleft here.
Let's dive into your youryearly big event, the large yeah
the one where you really bringpeople in and allow them to get
(32:47):
away from their kids in Jesus.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
Yeah, yeah, so we every November, every fall, we
host an annual marriage getawayevent for active duty, first
responder and military couples.
The last I think three eventswe've had have been at Valley
Church in West Des Moines.
You know, a shout out to them.
(33:10):
They've allowed us to use theirspace at no cost and so what a
blessing that is to ourorganization to be able to host
it there.
So we bring you in on a Fridaynight.
On that Friday night we feedyou a dinner, we cater in a
dinner from Litterdale where wehave tables and chairs set up
(33:30):
where you can sit with friends,other first responder couples or
military couples and justinteract, have fellowship with
them.
And then after dinner we gointo an honoring ceremony where
we actually take the time torecognize and honor line of duty
deaths from the previous year,and every year we've had to
(33:51):
honor families and agencies, butthis year we don't have any
line of duty deaths.
What a good thing right.
What a blessing that we didn'thave any line of duty deaths
over the past year and so-.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Especially for the amount of shootings we had.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, you know not to say that you
know others didn't pass awayfrom an illness or you know
other circumstances.
So we will take a time to justremember everyone who served um,
but we're not going to have anyfamilies or agencies on the
stage, and so I think what we'lldo, maybe this year and we're
still in the planning stages wemight do just a a first session
(34:29):
where Trisha and I will, uh,incorporate some marriage
strengthening early on and getget things flowing early.
But we're also we're going toon Friday night, we're going to
take some time to, to have somefun.
We usually bring in a comedian.
We're kind of flirting with theidea of maybe doing some sort
of newlywed game show orsomething.
You know not necessarilynewlywed, but you know have a
(34:52):
little competition between fire,police and military, and each
each organization will have arepresentation on stage.
But but we'll also take thetime to honor you guys currently
serving.
We usually do a challenge coinevery year just to give you guys
, and last year we gave out someChristmas ornaments to women to
(35:15):
hang on their Christmas tree,just to remember the time that
you get to come in and just beblessed.
And so that's Friday night, andthen at the end of Friday night
we send everybody off to eithertheir hotels or we've rented
out Smash Park in the past andcouples have gone over there and
just had continued fellowshipof just hanging out getting food
together.
(35:35):
They have all kinds of gamesyou can play over there, even
pickleball, if you want to bringyour shorts and T-shirt and
play some pickleball.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
I'll wreck you, bro.
I'll wreck you with pickleball.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
Yeah, I'm not great at pickleball, I'm not either.
But, yeah, just a time forfellowship, and then we get you
a hotel room.
So there is a I think it's a$50 registration fee for the
whole weekend.
Um, we have food, drink thewhole weekend, we feed you, we
bring in marriage coaching, likeI said, entertainment, um, and
(36:08):
then your hotel rooms paid forby us as well in that
registration fee.
And so, um, yeah, and thenSaturday you come back and we're
bringing in Gary Thomas, whowrote the book Sacred Marriage,
and he's also written a bookrecently called Making your
Marriage a Fortress.
And he's going to be teaching onthat and we're so excited, so
(36:31):
excited to bring him in and havehim lead our couples throughout
the weekend for marriagestrengthening.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
I'm looking through your guys' website.
Y'all have been at this for awhile.
I'm going clear back to 2017.
If you're watching on YouTube,you're seeing what I'm going
through.
If you're on Spotify, apple,itunes, you can go to their
website and see this Every year.
When I'm scrolling throughthese pictures, man, there
iTunes, you can go to theirwebsite and see this Every year.
When I'm scrolling throughthese pictures, man, there is
laughter.
I mean some people are laughingso hard they're crying.
There's people.
(37:00):
I mean it's joy, it's happiness, it's not darkness, it's not
argument.
I mean this is.
If you watch, if you lookthrough these clips, you can't
help but smile.
Aaron, what an environment tobring people in, to get them out
of what I call the cycle ofsuck and to be around
like-minded couples.
And there's power in that.
(37:21):
There's power in being able tomeet people who inherently
understand you and the struggles, who don't need to ask you all
the silly questions.
They can just give you a hugand say, hey, I'm sorry you're
going through that.
I know, I know what that's like.
I'll be praying for you.
Um, what a powerful thing.
Man, this looks.
I mean, yeah, get a chance, goto the website, look, and they
(37:43):
have a if you click on the learnmore.
I'm assuming this is where youcan register.
Yep, yep.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
At least, yeah, it should be there.
There you go.
You know one of the things wehear commonly.
So we send out a survey at theend of every event and ever
since I've been involved, 100%of people that take that survey
say their marriage has beenstrengthened.
And 100% of the people thatcame said they would come again.
(38:14):
And so you're right.
It's like-minded people.
It's people all differentstages in their marriage right.
We get feedback that mymarriage was saved because of
this event.
Stages in their marriage right.
We get feedback that mymarriage was saved because of
this event or my marriage was ina good place, but now it's in a
great place and so it's just.
But again, people thatunderstand you, that get you,
(38:34):
that have been where you've beenand it is.
It's just joyful and a way toconnect with your spouse, that
deliberate, intentional time toconnect with your spouse and
it's just to connect with yourspouse.
It's just such a good weekend.
My wife came away from thatevent feeling like we were so
blessed.
We felt honored too.
We've had spouses come up to usthat have said this is the
(38:56):
first time I've ever beenrecognized for being a spouse
With tears in their eyes sayingwe felt honored, thank you.
They felt heard.
Yeah, let us bless you and theyfelt, heard, they felt heard
yeah, so let us bless you.
Let us bless you.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Yes, this is you guys .
This is amazing what you getwhen you get to go to this.
Go to the websiteimpactiowasheroesorg.
There's a registration button.
You can get your tickets.
Like Aaron said, this is room.
Once you pay, aaron, that'sroom and board and food.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
And again we feed you , we give you swag, we give you
giveaways, we give you resources, we take care of you.
I think we invest $600 to $700per couple.
I commend that.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
And what a great investment.
You are restoring lives, you'rerestoring marriages and men,
men, that's right, men, listenyou can restore your intimacy in
your marriage, too.
Things like this help to connectwith our wives in a new way.
I'm not saying, do it becauseof that, but what I'm saying is
the fruits of feeding into yourmarriage, to humbling yourself,
(40:05):
to sit with your wife and yourarm around her and listening to
some amazing teachers.
Good things come out of that,and a lot of the things that you
men complain to me about.
This is a good way that you canallow you and your wife to
learn and grow together.
And, aaron, I can't thank youenough for doing this, for
(40:25):
running your organization.
I've known you for a long time.
I know how passionate you andyour wife both are about this.
Thank you, and is there anylast words that you would like
to say to our first responders?
That may be like.
I still feel a little tooscared to go there.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Yeah, I had a first responder, a man reach out to me
, a law enforcement officer,recently about getting involved
in a marriage class and theyweren't comfortable.
And I said listen, dude, it'sjust like working out.
The only way you make gains isyou get uncomfortable.
(41:02):
You have to push through theuncomfortableness, the hurt, the
pain and you know what, butthat's where you experience
growth.
And so, for men, you know,going to a marriage conference,
you know, reaching out for help,it's uncomfortable, yeah, but
when you push through it, man,the things that you gain on the
(41:22):
backside of it are so worth it.
And do it, do it.
I can't just stress it enoughdo it and and you'll have every
excuse of things you got goingon.
But I have yet to say someoneto say to me this was a complete
waste of my time, to investtime and energy into my marriage
(41:44):
.
You just don't hear it.
So do it and you'll be blessed.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
And you guys heard me say this before it may be
uncomfortable to go therebecause it can.
You know it won't be once youget there but the
uncomfortableness of not doingstuff like this is a heck of a
lot worse.
So you may need to getuncomfortable, because on the
other side of uncomfortable isgrowth, but let's let that
uncomfortableness be tosomething that leads to life and
(42:12):
not to divorce, because it'sgoing to be uncomfortable either
way.
We have to invest time in thisand it's only uncomfortable.
The first time is what I'venoticed when you go to things
like this, the enemy lies to you.
The fear is fake.
You get in there, you feel thelove, you feel the joy, you feel
the restoration.
Aaron, thank you.
(42:33):
I'm just going to say a quickprayer before you leave.
I just feel called to pray forour married couples, our first
responders.
So, dear Heavenly Father, god,we thank you for our listeners,
we thank you for our heroes, wethank you for their spouses,
because they are heroes as well.
We thank you for their family.
God, we just you're such a Godof restoration, a God of healing
, a God of relationship, and wejust pray a blessing over all of
(42:53):
our first responders andlisteners.
God, we just ask you to bringyour peace beyond all
understanding.
Tear down those hardened walls,those hardened hearts that have
been built over year after year.
God, break those walls down.
Bring in new peace, new love,new understanding.
God, allow their hurt to beturned into purpose.
(43:17):
God, we just ask for healingover them, a blessing over them,
a restoration over theirmarriage, a restoring of their
love.
God, to remove them from theroommate phase and back to the
relationship phase.
Holy Spirit, we just ask you tomove.
Do what you do.
We thank you for every listenerand every first responder, in
Jesus' name.
(43:38):
Amen, amen, thanks brother.
Thank you, brother.
I appreciate you.
Keep up the good work and Iwill see you at the fall retreat
, because we will be at that one.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
Right on All right man Love you.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
Buddy, take care, love you too, see you.
Welcome to another episode of the Shared Voices
podcast by the 1042 Project.
We're excited today we gotAaron Groves back with us.
He's been on our podcast before.
He is out of the Jasper Countyarea, retired Jasper County
deputy.
He's also the director ofImpact Iowa's Heroes, one of the
(00:22):
most fruitful organizations inthe state of Iowa that is
restoring marriages, equippingmarriages, saving marriages.
That a lot of relationships.
They didn't think that theycould save it but they've been
able to come to Impact Iowa'sHeroes get some healing and to
learn how to be a married firstresponder couple.
(00:43):
Aaron, we go into this careerand we think we're just supposed
to know how to be the perfecthusband, the perfect wife,
especially in a job that's fullof trauma.
That's hard.
So thank you for joining us.
You want to give us a littlequick bit about you?
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Yeah, actually, let's see, I grew up in a law
enforcement family.
My dad was 30 plus years withNewton Police Department and it
was in my blood, so I decided tojoin the Jasper County
Sheriff's Office and clear backin 2003 and then developed a
lung disease from a mold sporeexposure and that took me out of
(01:20):
it in 2020.
But I met my wife while I wasworking at the sheriff's office
and we got married in 2007.
And, yeah, as you said, I thinkpeople go into a marriage in a
first responder marriageassuming that it's going to be
like any other quote, unquote,normal marriage, and that
(01:44):
couldn't be further from thetruth.
And so, yeah, we learned.
We made a lot of mistakes alongthe way and learned what not to
do, and you know it took us along time to get to a healthy
place in our marriage, but nowwe get to help others and that's
it's a blessing to us to beable to pass on what we've
(02:05):
learned.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
You know I talk about this a lot, but so many of us,
especially men, we think there'sshame in asking for help.
But, listeners, you have neverbeen a first responder before.
Who's been married, who's beendealing with trauma, and even if
you have the call you hadyesterday, is the first time
(02:26):
you've ever dealt with it thatexact call.
There's new things that comealong.
You are not intended to do thisalone.
You were never intended to tryto figure it out on your own.
Um, that leads to death,destruction and divorce.
I can testify to that.
But being able to have anorganization like yours, aaron,
(02:48):
where you guys are equipping andrestoring marriages and I know
and correct me if I'm wrong, butyou and your wife's marriage
wasn't always sunshines andrainbows and you guys went to
Impact Iowa's Heroes to get somehelp Is that how it started?
And then it impacted yourmarriages so much that you
started to volunteer your time,and now you get some help.
Is that how it started, andthen it impacted your marriages
so much that you started tovolunteer your time and now you
(03:08):
are the director?
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Mostly, our marriage really got better and took off
when we got plugged into a goodchurch and we started focusing
on each other instead ofourselves, as far as how we
could best serve one another.
Because it was all about what Iwant and what I should get out
(03:32):
of the marriage and you know,our relationship with Christ
kind of reverses that and it'sabout, you know, serving our
spouses, serving God and servingour spouses.
And so our marriage was in apretty good place.
When we went to Impact, I washere, but we have three kids and
we heard about this marriagegetaway event.
It was overnight.
They put you up in a hotel roomand they give you marriage
(03:53):
coaching and we were like, man,we don't even care if this sucks
, we get a weekend away from ourkids, we have grandparents in
town that can watch the kids andit's just an opportunity for us
to get away and focus on eachother.
(04:13):
And the reality of it is is wewe don't do it enough.
Married couples just do not doit enough.
Um, and some of that's apriority issue.
You know we prioritize otherthings above our marriage, um,
and that's that's out ofpriority order.
Um, and, and you know we justget busy too and we don't put it
on the calendar or we're justnot intentional.
And so we try to create impactI was heroes tries to create a
(04:35):
intentional time and space forpeople to connect in their
marriage and to strengthen theirmarriage, where they really get
to just focus on each other,and we and we don't do that
enough.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
And a healthy marriage doesn't happen by
accident.
I've never met anybody thatsaid man, I don't know.
We just woke up someday and ourmarriage has been perfect from
day one.
You have to be intentionalabout it, you have to put time
and effort into it, you have tohumble yourself, you have to be
willing to learn.
You have to be willing to learn, you have to be willing to to
(05:07):
listen, and I know part of whatyou guys do.
Besides, equipping is restoringand it comes along with
marriage coaching.
Can you kind of explain alittle bit what impact iowa's
heroes mission is for coaching,why you have have that and how
can that help a couple that'sstruggling and kind of caught
(05:30):
into this cycle of suck?
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Yeah, so the coaching aspect, and there's a
difference between coaching andcounseling.
You know, counseling is more ofdigging into your past, finding
out why you are the way you are, and we do some of that in
coaching.
But it's more about OK, this iswhere you're at.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Where do you?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
want to move forward to, and we will help you move
forward.
If you want a great marriage,we can help you get there.
It doesn't mean it's going tobe easy.
It doesn't mean we're going toask you or suggest to you to do
everything that you want to do,but we're going to help you get
to a place where your marriageis enjoyable.
(06:11):
And you know and God gave usmarriage as a gift and it truly
is a blessing to be able to dolife together with someone else,
with Christ at the center of itand man, it's so much fun when
marriage is done right.
It's so much fun, it's soenjoyable.
(06:33):
Again doesn't mean hard timesare going to come, but you can
work through those hard times,and that's part of what we do,
too, is we help couples workthrough conflict in a healthy
way.
And I don't know about you, dan,but like what I was shown in
marriage, or what my perceptionwas, was essentially to avoid
(06:55):
conflict and then, until it cameboiling out in me as anger,
that's when it got dealt with,and that's not healthy and you
end up saying things that arehurtful and that you regret, or
doing things that are hurtfuland that you regret, and so we
try to help couples learntactics or techniques to deal
(07:20):
with conflict in a healthy way,so controlled pouring out, so it
doesn't come squirting out, asmy pastor says.
And so, yeah, and and andconflict is the biggest thing.
Conflict resolution and and DrGary and Barb Rosberg, who are
the founders of our organization, marriage coaches, have been
(07:41):
doing it for, you know, 50 plusyears and are amazing at it and
have traveled the world.
They talk about this open loopof conflict.
Like there is this open loop ofconflict when you have an issue
with your spouse.
Until you close that loop, youwon't be able to connect with
each other emotionally,physically or spiritually, like
(08:02):
God intended Again, until thatloop is closed.
And so how do you do that?
Well, it's different foreverybody, but the main thing is
is you talk about it and you doit in a healthy way.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Yeah, and I think in marriages a lot of times.
I know for me in my firstmarriage there was no talking
about it.
I was not a confrontationperson.
I was.
I'll get my car and I'll godrive for two hours and when I
get back I'll keep my mouth shutand I'll probably make some
snooty comments Enough to hurt,right?
(08:34):
Because it seems like, aaron,when we're struggling we hurt
the ones so closest to us.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
And a lot of times we don't mean to, but it comes out
and words matter and the tongueis the most strongest muscle in
the body that can destroysomebody.
And not having control overyour tongue is it talks about
that in the Bible as well andwith coaching you can learn to
not only get out of the conflictloop, but probably not get
(09:05):
yourself in the loop to beginwith, and to be able to process
some of those emotions thatyou're feeling in a healthy way.
So they're not coming out andand like mine would be anger, I
would disconnect.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Just shut her down, make her feel unloved, and a lot
of times we want to.
We want people to forgive usfor what we do based on our
intentions, not our actions.
Although we never give otherpeople that grace, we always
just judge them on their actions, even if they didn't mean to,
(09:41):
and I hear that a lot with firstresponders I work with and I
can relate to that.
She's just, she won't get overit because I did this, this and
this, and it's Aaron.
Probably 70 to 80% of the firstresponders our organization
works with are having maritalissues as well and a lot of
(10:03):
those those marriage issues thecommon thing I hear is we're
just roommates yeah justroommates.
Do you deal with that as well?
And when you get to theroommate phase, everybody thinks
the marriage is over.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Um, but it's not, it's not yeah, I, I think I
think, um, you know, from frompersonal experience, I didn't
share things with my wife.
I didn't.
Some of it was she didn't talkmy lingo right, she didn't talk
(10:38):
the cop lingo.
So I didn't want to have toexplain what was going on in my
day.
Have to explain what was goingon in my day, but as soon as and
she would ask me like how wasyour day?
I was fine, you know, you know,just avoid it.
And because I didn't want todeal with it.
But then my coworker recall thatwas on the scene with me and we
would process it together andthat was very hurtful to her and
(11:03):
it wasn't because she wantedgossip, it's because she cared
about, she knew something wasoff, she cared about me and you
know, the narrative in her headwas he doesn't love me.
He doesn't love me because hewon't talk to me about these
things.
And you know, for some peopleit's protection they don't want,
they don't want their spouse tohave to go through and feel
(11:25):
what they felt For others.
For, like me, I needed toprocess with someone else first.
But that caused a lot ofdisconnect in our marriage and
it was because one I wasn'tbeing open and honest and
truthful with her about whathappened in my day.
And number two, I wasn't eventelling her how I needed to
process, and it was really alack of communication.
(11:49):
I think that's where a lot ofyou know marriages get hung up
is.
There's just a lack ofcommunication and a lack of
understanding how each spouseprocesses.
Um, and for me, I'm an internalprocessor, I like to think
about things before I process it, and you know, dan, you talked
about taking off in a car anddriving.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
When it comes to conflict.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Reverting back to conflict, I'm an avoider Like on
the job.
I was not an avoider Like bringit on right.
I had the law behind me, Iwould win the conflict because I
was on the side of the law.
But when it came to my spouseand those closest to me and even
those that I love, I hateconflict and so I would avoid it
(12:31):
with the thought that it wouldjust take care of itself or
eventually go away.
But it never did.
And it wasn't until my wifefinally would get fed up enough
where she would force me to sitdown, talk about it and close
that loop of conflict.
And she is what they call avacillator.
So so when, when conflictarises, like she wants to talk
(12:53):
about it right now, she'sgetting out every thought in her
brain.
There is no processing exceptwhat's coming out of her mouth.
The dump, what's?
Speaker 1 (13:00):
that she's dumping it all.
She wants it all.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
And I took offense to that early on in our marriage.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Like that was offensive.
Her mouth, the dump.
What's that she's?
She's dumping it all.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
She wants it all yeah yeah, and I took offense to
that early on in her marriage,like that was offensive, like
she was attacking me.
Well, no, as I learned, likethat's how she processes and
it's not, I got to put myself ina position or a place like
don't be offended by it.
She's processing just like youprocess internally.
You need space, she needs toget it out, otherwise it's going
(13:26):
to tear her up inside and shewon't be able to think about or
do anything else until sheprocesses that.
And then, in the midst of herprocessing out loud, a lot of
times she's like that doesn'teven make sense, like, but it's
her speaking it out, and she'slike that doesn't even make
sense, but it's her speaking itout.
And so I had to come to a place.
Again, we had to learn abouteach other.
We had to learn how each otherprocess.
We had to learn how we processconflict effectively.
(13:50):
And then, if I can sit thereand let her process out loud and
she can give me the time orspace if I need it, because now
I've kind of worked through thisprocess of I'm going to let her
process out loud and then I'mgoing to share my thoughts and
feelings as I process whileshe's processing and that loop
(14:17):
of conflict gets closed so muchfaster and we get understanding
of each other's perspective.
But it's also about being openand honest and truthful too.
And you know, early on in mycareer, if I'd come home and
said you know what?
I had a bad day and I don'teven have to share details with
her, but I had a bad day and Ijust need a time to process with
someone else, one of mycoworkers, I need time to
process by myself, give me acouple hours Like that went such
(14:41):
a long way with her andeventually we got to that place
when I was still working and hermarriage was like hey, I just I
need a few hours.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
And she's like, okay, but that shut down the
narrative Like he doesn't loveme, you know he won't talk to me
and it's probably not just love.
Did she probably feel like youdidn't trust her?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Yeah, and as a spouse , that's a hurtful thing.
Right, that's what we have.
The biggest thing we have isour trust and our love, and I
think I've talked to you aboutthis before.
I don't remember who taught methis, but one of the things I
wish I would have done during mycareer and I like to teach
people about it is when you gethome from work.
You don't have to tell yourspouse everything right away,
but I like the number systemeither zero to five or zero to
(15:27):
10, where you can come home,walk in the door, give your
spouse a hug and say, hey, todaywas an eight or a nine, and
then let them know right away.
Or today was a three, it waseight or nine.
Then go, get out of youruniform, do your prayer, do your
pushups, go for your jog,whatever it may be something
healthy and then when you comeback, then have a little, have a
(15:48):
discussion about it and again,you don't have to go into all
the guts and glory, but let herknow a little bit.
You know, what would you say tothat?
And everybody always asks methis how much should I share
with my spouse?
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Do you know the answer to that?
I would say as much as she'scomfortable with and that you're
comfortable with.
You know there is such a thingand you probably know about this
than I do but like secondarytrauma, and you know when I
would share with my wife, Iwouldn't.
I wouldn't share the details.
You know, if I was on the sceneof a homicide or a suicide or,
(16:24):
um, you know, a bad car, Iwouldn't share the gory details
but I would.
I would speak in generalitiesof just like you know I was on
the scene of this accident andit it was not pretty, like the
person was mangled and like.
I'm thinking about that.
That's in my mind right now andI just I don't like it and I
need to process it and I'm notgoing to share all the details
(16:45):
with you.
And you know my wife, my wife,was at the point, she, she
wouldn't pry for anything else.
I think that's a healthy placefor spouses to be is just like
hey, I'm here, Like, if you wantto talk more about it, I'm here
, um, but also, if there's alimitation, like, hey, I, I
don't think I can take any moreof like the details, like, um,
(17:07):
but can I get you, you know, canwe get you to a counselor.
Can we get you to peer support?
You know, um, can we get you to1042 project to talk to them?
Um, you know and and knowingagain limitations.
But um, you know and andknowing again limitations.
But you know, as a firstresponder I wouldn't share
detail like the gory details.
I would just speak ingeneralities.
(17:28):
And again, my wife was goodwith that and like and that and
it was healing to me to to lether know what was going on in my
brain.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Yeah, and most spouses don't want to know the
nastiness of the job.
What they want to know is, youknow, honestly, they want to
know more of the emotional side,how you did Like hey, babe, I
was in shock, I cried for awhile.
I mean, this kid was dead and Ireally struggled.
(17:57):
It made me think about our ownkids.
It's kind of stuff like that,not so much of which way the
body was laying and that kind ofstuff.
Most spouses don't care aboutthat.
They care more about theemotional side, because I would
say this is coming to my headright now.
I would say they're moreworried about the state of mind
that you're in and what they cando to help you with that.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Yeah Well, most women connect on an emotional level.
Men connect on a physical level.
Right when we connect with ourspouse, most men spell intimacy,
sex, right.
Sex is how we experienceintimacy with women.
It's talking.
That's like they get chemicals.
When they get in a deep,emotional, intimate conversation
with someone, they get oxytocinreleased in the brain, like
(18:41):
that is a you know, a bondingchemical that's released and
that's done through talking forthem.
So they do care about thatemotion because they want to
connect with you on an emotionallevel.
And I'll tell you this too, formen who are first responders and
I and I am a walking testimonyof this we're really good at
shutting down emotions on thejob.
(19:02):
Right, we keep it together, wehold it together on the scene
because we have to.
We have to bring peace in themidst of chaos and we can't be
freaking out with everybody else.
That's freaking out.
The problem with that is youreally can't select which
emotions you shut down and whichones you turn back on.
(19:22):
It's like all or nothing, in asense.
And what I found was like I wasshutting down even my good
emotions, like love and joy andhappiness, and like that was
shutting down at home too, likeI wasn't flipping anything back
on when I got home and thereforemy wife wasn't connecting with
(19:43):
me on an emotional level.
So I think you're exactly right.
Women want to connect with menon an emotional level because
that's how they experienceintimacy, experienced trauma,
and we're not able to processthat and share things with our
(20:04):
spouse, we're going to bemissing an opportunity to
connect with them on anemotional level, which is what
they desire.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Yes, and even in trying to switch that switch on
when you go home, it's not aswitch that goes from zero to a
hundred and you're right back toyour normal self.
it takes time and that's why youthere's tools and stuff that
you can do to help decompress,get some of those um I'm not a
psychologist by any mean theendorphins or those, those, the
(20:32):
cortisol, some of that stuff outof your body.
You know, going for a run andstuff like that can get you to a
calmer place.
Prayer, obviously get yourselfto a calmer place to where that
switch can be turned back on,and turned back on in a healthy
way.
A lot of times we're trying toslam that switch up and down,
like our kids playing with thelight switch up and down and it
doesn't work like that, butthere are ways you can learn to
(20:54):
to get that switch turned backon in a healthy way and yeah
good, you said that I was justgoing to say when you were
talking about turning off aswitch to just one emotion.
You can't turn it off to youknow, you can't just turn it off
to select emotions.
Same thing with numbing invices, drinking and stuff like
that.
You can't just numb one of theemotions, right, you're numbing
(21:16):
everything.
You're numbing your joy, you'renot just numbing your sadness,
you're numbing your everything.
And it's kind of the same thing.
We can't selectively controlwhat emotion we have control
over at that moment.
It'd be cool if we did, but wedon't.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah, going back to your number system you're
talking about.
I think that's a great idea.
And one of the things my wifeand I tell new recruits in the
law enforcement world is and oneof the things my wife and I
tell new recruits in the lawenforcement world is you know,
process your day as you go home.
So, if you get off shift, getout of your uniform, process
your day as you're driving home,think about your shift, you
(21:52):
know.
And then when you get to thathalfway point, think about OK,
when I walk in the door, how amI going to greet my spouse, how
am I going to greet my kids?
And if you've had a bad day,you know, technology is
wonderful.
Like you can, you can text voiceto text, you know, I'm not, I'm
not promoting texting whiledriving, but you know, voice to
text.
Or a phone call to your spouse,say, hey, like, uh, I had a
(22:15):
really hard day.
Um, I worked today.
Like I'm going to come in, Ijust need some time.
Can you just take the kids inthe basement or get them in the
backyard, play with them?
Let me get in and get for a hotshower.
Let me get in and get changed,go for a run and come back home.
I just can't.
I just need some space and then, you know, I think that'll help
me be more present when I gethome after my jog or my shower
(22:35):
or whatever.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Yeah, and that's not disrespectful to her.
That's an honest way where sheknows that you're not avoiding
her.
It's not that you don't trusther, it's not that you don't
want to be around her, it's justyou need a moment and they
understand that.
It comes back to communication.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Yeah, absolutely man.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
So let's get into what Impact Iowa's Heroes is
doing and what they got comingup, because that's one of the
big reasons I wanted to have youon, because so many of our
listeners, so many of our firstresponders, their marriages are
not doing well.
Like I said, they're becomingroommates.
Of course, a lot of what thingsI hear from the guys is she
(23:16):
doesn't want to have sex with me, she don't love me, and then
that gets back to.
We got to connect emotionallyfirst and as men, we have to
learn how to communicate.
We may not know how tocommunicate successfully with
our wife, but again, weshouldn't.
We don't inherently.
We're not boring with thatdownloaded in us.
(23:38):
We're not a computer, butthere's ways that you can learn
to connect with your spouseemotionally.
There's a way you can learn toprocess trauma with your spouse,
not away from your spouse.
There's a way you can bring herin or him in, regardless if
you're male or female.
Bring him in, her in and allowher to be part of your healing
journey.
And allow her to be part ofyour healing journey, because if
(23:59):
you're intentional aboutincluding your spouse in your
healing, a lot of times when yougo through conflict, when you
go through trauma.
It can divide a couple or itcan bring them closer and closer
than ever, yeah, but it doesn'tgrow closer and to together.
(24:20):
In those times, if you're notintentional, it will go the
opposite way and it'll divideyou, it will separate you, you
will become numb to each other.
But you can intentionally getyourself prepared to know how to
be a healthy spouse and that'swhat you guys focus on.
And I'm going to go and pull upyour guys's website here and, if
you don't mind, I'm going toshare my screen and while I'm
(24:43):
doing this, if you want to talkabout because you have two major
events coming up- yeah, yep,we've got one coming up
immediately in June, june 28th,in Newton at Newton Church of
the Way.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
We're partnering with them, which I'm actually a
pastor at that church as well.
We are hosting a marriageconference there with Jeff and
Shanti Feldhahn.
And Jeff and Shanti we had themlast November at a marriage
getaway event for firstresponders and military couples
(25:20):
in West Des Moines and they areamazing speakers and amazing
researchers.
I mean, they've done a lot ofmarriage research and have come
up with tools and haveidentified things the way that
men and women are wired and howwe can better connect with one
another and they are just anamazing couple that love Jesus
(25:44):
and want to see marriagesstrengthened.
But, yeah, June 28th, from 9 amto 3 pm, we're going to be
having that conference and thatconference is actually open to
anyone the whole general public,anyone can come and be a part
of that.
The way Impact Hour Heroes ispartnering is we are paying for
half the registration fee.
The whole general public,anyone can come and be a part of
that.
Um, the way impact I was heroesis partnering is we are paying
for half the registration feefor that event.
(26:06):
So if you go into, uh, theregistration.
For that there's a discountcode you can enter and if you
are active duty, uh, retired ormilitary veteran, uh, and in the
first responder world, if youenter in the discount code hero
H-E-R-O, that'll give you halfoff for that event.
(26:28):
And that's just our way ofsaying thank you for your
service, whether you have servedor are currently serving, but
we know if you come to thisevent, you will be blessed by it
Again.
It's that intentional time,like we talked about earlier, of
just get out there and and getwith your spouse and um work on
(26:48):
each other jeff and shanti.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
You introduced them to me.
Um they're.
They're writing a new book Igot to sit down with them and
they interviewed me.
Um, you know, we've since had ahave a relationship now where
we talk to each other, and theyinterviewed me on their podcast
and I'm telling you they're someof the most loving, amazing
people who have dedicated theirwhole life to healthy marriages.
They live it out, they are somuch fun they're I mean, they're
(27:17):
entertaining um amazing stories.
They've written my gosh aaron.
They've written't know how manybooks.
Do you even know?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Oh, I bet it's seven, eight, ten books around there.
They've just done a number andactually my wife and I are
leading one of their books, abook study at our church.
We've got, I think, 25 or 26couples, but for men only, for
women only.
25 or 26 couples, but for menonly, for women only.
Listen, if you want to takeyour marriage from good to great
, or even if you want to learnmore about your spouse and you
(27:47):
know nothing about them, readthe books for men only and for
women only, and it's amazingwhat you'll learn about your
spouse.
I've been married for 17 yearsand I learned things about my
wife, even like how womenprocess emotions, how fast they
process emotions compared to tomen, and it was just fascinating
(28:09):
.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
I love that.
They're just man, they'reamazing people and I will tell
you this.
So one of my, one of myfavorite books I like and it's
not from them, but theirs aregreat too.
But just thinking out loud here, uh, the wild at heart series
by john eldridge, um, that's formen.
Well, his wife wrote one that'scalled um captivating, and it's
for women, and my wife and Iare.
(28:33):
We've read the men's one andshe's read the women's one.
What we're doing, I'm readingthe women's one, she's reading
the men's one and she we've hadsome of the best conversations
because she's learning a lotabout me, a lot about men, a lot
about the stuff that Godinherently put in us that
sometimes the world tries tosquash.
So I would say that was Jeffand Shanti's book.
(28:56):
I mean, would you agree thatmaybe read the wife ones too, if
you want to learn a little bitmore about your wife?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
So Jeff and Shanti actually gave Trish and I this
advice and we've passed it on toeveryone we've talked to about
those books.
So there's the book for menonly, but what you need to do is
you need to read, as a man, thefor women only book first,
because it's about men and men.
When you go through that bookfor them, you highlight what
(29:22):
applies to you and you bracketwhat doesn't apply to you, and
so cause, cause.
I mean Not everything theywrite about applies to me.
It's generalities like 70 to80% of men think this way or
feel this way.
Well, I don't feel that way, soI bracket it.
Or I do feel that way, so Ihighlight it.
(29:42):
And then when my wife goes toread the book for women only,
she sees oh wow, that applies toAaron.
I didn't know that, or it'sgood to know that this doesn't
apply to Aaron.
And she did the same thing forme for men, for men only.
We went on vacation lastDecember and first time we've
done that without kids in a longtime, but we wanted to take
(30:04):
intentional time just to focuson each other and we went
through those books and we didthat exact thing and it was just
so much fun on that vacation tolearn about each other, and so,
yeah, highly recommend readingthe book meant for the other and
saying this applies to me andthis doesn't.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Yeah.
So you guys listening, I'mtelling you do not miss out on
this opportunity.
Take time and I know there's amillion excuses in the world why
you can't be there.
Invest in your marriage.
I promise you you'll beentertained, you will, you will
have there.
Invest in your marriage.
I promise you you'll beentertained, you will.
You will have.
There will be joy, you willlearn, it'll be fun.
It's a powerful thing.
I wish I could be at that one.
(30:44):
But my son is getting marriedthat day.
Aaron, I can't believe I got akid getting married already.
It's holy.
Yeah, you know, you and I werein high school at the same time,
and to think that I got one.
It's man.
I'm telling you these grayhairs, come in quick.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
So this one again.
So this one is for firstresponder militaries, but it's
also for anybody outside of thatif they want to come, because I
know I don't know if all yourevents are like that.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
But no, typically most of our events are just for
active duty first responder andmilitary couples.
But we felt like you know, lastyear we put on our first event
for veterans and retired firstresponders.
But we feel like we're good athosting conferences.
That's one of our giftings, orone of the things we've become
proficient at, and we're likeyou know what.
Why not impact as manymarriages as possible?
You know, yeah, we have ourmission field in our our lane
(31:38):
that we try to stay in, butlet's impact as many marriages
as possible and it helps.
It helps civilians or peopleoutside of our first responder
world know that we exist.
So if they have a neighbor or afamily member that's struggling
in their marriage, they can sayhey well, we went to a
conference, you know, put on bythis organization that's there
(31:58):
for you.
Why don't you go check them out?
Speaker 1 (32:00):
And so yeah, part of the reason we're doing this is
for more exposure.
So, for those of you listeningon YouTube, you can look at the
screen here.
I've got it pulled up.
You can see the flyer that'sbeen made with Jeff and Shantae.
There's a QR code.
I'm going to scroll down here alittle bit more.
You'll be able to see there's aregister now button on the
(32:25):
Impact High West Heroes website.
Click on that and that's whereyou can type in your
registration and Aaron and histeam will get that Yep and you
will be ready for a powerful dayof sharpening your marriage
yeah man.
So we got about eight minutesleft here.
Let's dive into your youryearly big event, the large yeah
the one where you really bringpeople in and allow them to get
(32:47):
away from their kids in Jesus.
Speaker 2 (32:49):
Yeah, yeah, so we every November, every fall, we
host an annual marriage getawayevent for active duty, first
responder and military couples.
The last I think three eventswe've had have been at Valley
Church in West Des Moines.
You know, a shout out to them.
(33:10):
They've allowed us to use theirspace at no cost and so what a
blessing that is to ourorganization to be able to host
it there.
So we bring you in on a Fridaynight.
On that Friday night we feedyou a dinner, we cater in a
dinner from Litterdale where wehave tables and chairs set up
(33:30):
where you can sit with friends,other first responder couples or
military couples and justinteract, have fellowship with
them.
And then after dinner we gointo an honoring ceremony where
we actually take the time torecognize and honor line of duty
deaths from the previous year,and every year we've had to
(33:51):
honor families and agencies, butthis year we don't have any
line of duty deaths.
What a good thing right.
What a blessing that we didn'thave any line of duty deaths
over the past year and so-.
Speaker 1 (34:05):
Especially for the amount of shootings we had.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, you know not to say that you
know others didn't pass awayfrom an illness or you know
other circumstances.
So we will take a time to justremember everyone who served um,
but we're not going to have anyfamilies or agencies on the
stage, and so I think what we'lldo, maybe this year and we're
still in the planning stages wemight do just a a first session
(34:29):
where Trisha and I will, uh,incorporate some marriage
strengthening early on and getget things flowing early.
But we're also we're going toon Friday night, we're going to
take some time to, to have somefun.
We usually bring in a comedian.
We're kind of flirting with theidea of maybe doing some sort
of newlywed game show orsomething.
You know not necessarilynewlywed, but you know have a
(34:52):
little competition between fire,police and military, and each
each organization will have arepresentation on stage.
But but we'll also take thetime to honor you guys currently
serving.
We usually do a challenge coinevery year just to give you guys
, and last year we gave out someChristmas ornaments to women to
(35:15):
hang on their Christmas tree,just to remember the time that
you get to come in and just beblessed.
And so that's Friday night, andthen at the end of Friday night
we send everybody off to eithertheir hotels or we've rented
out Smash Park in the past andcouples have gone over there and
just had continued fellowshipof just hanging out getting food
together.
(35:35):
They have all kinds of gamesyou can play over there, even
pickleball, if you want to bringyour shorts and T-shirt and
play some pickleball.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
I'll wreck you, bro.
I'll wreck you with pickleball.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
Yeah, I'm not great at pickleball, I'm not either.
But, yeah, just a time forfellowship, and then we get you
a hotel room.
So there is a I think it's a$50 registration fee for the
whole weekend.
Um, we have food, drink thewhole weekend, we feed you, we
bring in marriage coaching, likeI said, entertainment, um, and
(36:08):
then your hotel rooms paid forby us as well in that
registration fee.
And so, um, yeah, and thenSaturday you come back and we're
bringing in Gary Thomas, whowrote the book Sacred Marriage,
and he's also written a bookrecently called Making your
Marriage a Fortress.
And he's going to be teaching onthat and we're so excited, so
(36:31):
excited to bring him in and havehim lead our couples throughout
the weekend for marriagestrengthening.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
I'm looking through your guys' website.
Y'all have been at this for awhile.
I'm going clear back to 2017.
If you're watching on YouTube,you're seeing what I'm going
through.
If you're on Spotify, apple,itunes, you can go to their
website and see this Every year.
When I'm scrolling throughthese pictures, man, there
iTunes, you can go to theirwebsite and see this Every year.
When I'm scrolling throughthese pictures, man, there is
laughter.
I mean some people are laughingso hard they're crying.
There's people.
(37:00):
I mean it's joy, it's happiness, it's not darkness, it's not
argument.
I mean this is.
If you watch, if you lookthrough these clips, you can't
help but smile.
Aaron, what an environment tobring people in, to get them out
of what I call the cycle ofsuck and to be around
like-minded couples.
And there's power in that.
(37:21):
There's power in being able tomeet people who inherently
understand you and the struggles, who don't need to ask you all
the silly questions.
They can just give you a hugand say, hey, I'm sorry you're
going through that.
I know, I know what that's like.
I'll be praying for you.
Um, what a powerful thing.
Man, this looks.
I mean, yeah, get a chance, goto the website, look, and they
(37:43):
have a if you click on the learnmore.
I'm assuming this is where youcan register.
Yep, yep.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
At least, yeah, it should be there.
There you go.
You know one of the things wehear commonly.
So we send out a survey at theend of every event and ever
since I've been involved, 100%of people that take that survey
say their marriage has beenstrengthened.
And 100% of the people thatcame said they would come again.
(38:14):
And so you're right.
It's like-minded people.
It's people all differentstages in their marriage right.
We get feedback that mymarriage was saved because of
this event.
Stages in their marriage right.
We get feedback that mymarriage was saved because of
this event or my marriage was ina good place, but now it's in a
great place and so it's just.
But again, people thatunderstand you, that get you,
(38:34):
that have been where you've beenand it is.
It's just joyful and a way toconnect with your spouse, that
deliberate, intentional time toconnect with your spouse and
it's just to connect with yourspouse.
It's just such a good weekend.
My wife came away from thatevent feeling like we were so
blessed.
We felt honored too.
We've had spouses come up to usthat have said this is the
(38:56):
first time I've ever beenrecognized for being a spouse
With tears in their eyes sayingwe felt honored, thank you.
They felt heard.
Yeah, let us bless you and theyfelt, heard, they felt heard
yeah, so let us bless you.
Let us bless you.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Yes, this is you guys .
This is amazing what you getwhen you get to go to this.
Go to the websiteimpactiowasheroesorg.
There's a registration button.
You can get your tickets.
Like Aaron said, this is room.
Once you pay, aaron, that'sroom and board and food.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
And again we feed you , we give you swag, we give you
giveaways, we give you resources, we take care of you.
I think we invest $600 to $700per couple.
I commend that.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
And what a great investment.
You are restoring lives, you'rerestoring marriages and men,
men, that's right, men, listenyou can restore your intimacy in
your marriage, too.
Things like this help to connectwith our wives in a new way.
I'm not saying, do it becauseof that, but what I'm saying is
the fruits of feeding into yourmarriage, to humbling yourself,
(40:05):
to sit with your wife and yourarm around her and listening to
some amazing teachers.
Good things come out of that,and a lot of the things that you
men complain to me about.
This is a good way that you canallow you and your wife to
learn and grow together.
And, aaron, I can't thank youenough for doing this, for
(40:25):
running your organization.
I've known you for a long time.
I know how passionate you andyour wife both are about this.
Thank you, and is there anylast words that you would like
to say to our first responders?
That may be like.
I still feel a little tooscared to go there.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Yeah, I had a first responder, a man reach out to me
, a law enforcement officer,recently about getting involved
in a marriage class and theyweren't comfortable.
And I said listen, dude, it'sjust like working out.
The only way you make gains isyou get uncomfortable.
(41:02):
You have to push through theuncomfortableness, the hurt, the
pain and you know what, butthat's where you experience
growth.
And so, for men, you know,going to a marriage conference,
you know, reaching out for help,it's uncomfortable, yeah, but
when you push through it, man,the things that you gain on the
(41:22):
backside of it are so worth it.
And do it, do it.
I can't just stress it enoughdo it and and you'll have every
excuse of things you got goingon.
But I have yet to say someoneto say to me this was a complete
waste of my time, to investtime and energy into my marriage
(41:44):
.
You just don't hear it.
So do it and you'll be blessed.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
And you guys heard me say this before it may be
uncomfortable to go therebecause it can.
You know it won't be once youget there but the
uncomfortableness of not doingstuff like this is a heck of a
lot worse.
So you may need to getuncomfortable, because on the
other side of uncomfortable isgrowth, but let's let that
uncomfortableness be tosomething that leads to life and
(42:12):
not to divorce, because it'sgoing to be uncomfortable either
way.
We have to invest time in thisand it's only uncomfortable.
The first time is what I'venoticed when you go to things
like this, the enemy lies to you.
The fear is fake.
You get in there, you feel thelove, you feel the joy, you feel
the restoration.
Aaron, thank you.
(42:33):
I'm just going to say a quickprayer before you leave.
I just feel called to pray forour married couples, our first
responders.
So, dear Heavenly Father, god,we thank you for our listeners,
we thank you for our heroes, wethank you for their spouses,
because they are heroes as well.
We thank you for their family.
God, we just you're such a Godof restoration, a God of healing
, a God of relationship, and wejust pray a blessing over all of
(42:53):
our first responders andlisteners.
God, we just ask you to bringyour peace beyond all
understanding.
Tear down those hardened walls,those hardened hearts that have
been built over year after year.
God, break those walls down.
Bring in new peace, new love,new understanding.
God, allow their hurt to beturned into purpose.
(43:17):
God, we just ask for healingover them, a blessing over them,
a restoration over theirmarriage, a restoring of their
love.
God, to remove them from theroommate phase and back to the
relationship phase.
Holy Spirit, we just ask you tomove.
Do what you do.
We thank you for every listenerand every first responder, in
Jesus' name.
(43:38):
Amen, amen, thanks brother.
Thank you, brother.
I appreciate you.
Keep up the good work and Iwill see you at the fall retreat
, because we will be at that one.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
Right on All right man Love you.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
Buddy, take care, love you too, see you.
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