June 24, 2024 • 54 mins
Why do people choose to broadcast their personal dramas to the world? Join us, Smillee B and Eva G, as we grapple with this bewildering trend of social media oversharing in our latest episode. We dive deep into the motivations behind such behavior, questioning whether it's a mere cry for validation or a result of lacking a real support system. From personal anecdotes to thoughtful discussions, we highlight the potential pitfalls of this habit, including its impact on one's image, relationships, and even children's futures. We also explore healthier ways of processing emotions, advocating for a more private and mindful approach.
Have you ever felt unworthy or lost due to your past? In our introspective segment, we shift gears to address faith, personal growth, and the journey toward salvation. Reflecting on our own pasts, including struggles with parental addiction and instability, we unravel the intricate ways these experiences influence our present faith and decision-making. We share heartfelt stories of seeking divine guidance, striving for stability, and confronting feelings of unworthiness. This segment serves as a testament to how our past shapes our spiritual and emotional growth, offering a beacon of hope for those on similar journeys.
Family dynamics are never straightforward, and our final chapters focus on the complexities of parental forgiveness, setting boundaries, and navigating expectations. Through honest and raw conversations, we share our personal journeys of healing, overcoming trauma, and the difficult task of balancing duty with personal well-being. We discuss the importance of resilience, the role of faith in healing, and the necessity of self-empowerment. By reflecting on our experiences, we hope to provide valuable insights into fostering healthier relationships and prioritizing mental health. Tune in for an episode filled with raw honesty, personal reflections, and invaluable lessons on family and faith.
Hey SBC supporters! Want to connect with us ? You can send us a text message.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
She Vogue, she Real, and she's definitely ready.
Hey guys, welcome back toanother episode of the she Vogue
Crew Podcast.
It's your girl, smiley B andEva G, and we are back with
(00:23):
another boat episode.
So, guys, today I have a WTHmoment.
I feel like it's been a minutesince I've had a WTH moment?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
What's it giving?
Why the hell when?
Speaker 1 (00:35):
there where the hell it's giving.
Why the hell do people get onsocial media and scream and blur
all their business to theinternet and be?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
looking crazy and are you speaking just statuses
period, where people are pouringout too much information, or
lives, because lives, that'swhat get me.
People get on lives and just dothe most.
Yeah, like I have never beenmad enough to get on, live and
run it down.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
I feel like the Lord just put this message on my
heart.
But I feel like and we talkedabout this but I feel like some
things are better said or talkedabout in past tense, are better
said or talked about in pasttense.
You know the very commonstatement that you know
(01:34):
hindsight is 20 20.
It's just, most of the time, 99of the time better to talk
about, to visit, to deal withcertain things a certain way
after some time has passed.
We are emotional beings ashumans.
That is one fact that we allknow.
(01:55):
We all have emotions.
Whether we all know how tocontrol our emotions, understand
our emotions or express ouremotions, that is totally
different.
But we understand that we allhave emotions.
So I'm not saying that peopledon't feel a way and I'm not
saying that as humans, we don'tslip up every now and again and
(02:19):
do something out of emotion.
But I'm talking about therepetitive yes, repetitive
behavior of getting on socialmedia live and just spruing all
your business all over theinternet but not even thinking
(02:40):
of how you're making yourselflook, you don't do stuff like.
You don't do stuff like that inthe moment you don't do stuff
like that and, like I said, evenif you do it once or twice, you
know that should be enough tolook back and look at it and be
like, ooh, I look goofy, I soundgoofy or whatever.
But when you do it multipletimes now, I'm like concerned,
like what's the issue?
(03:01):
So, just to be you know Frank,like there's a girl that I
follow on social media and I'vefollowed her for some time on
you know Facebook and she goeslive a lot with drama surrounded
around her baby dad and theirrelationship and then his
relationship with another younglady and it's just like at first
(03:24):
it was like okay, she's upset,she's in her emotions, she's
probably, you know, a scornedwoman.
But then it's like okay, likeenough is enough, like this is
the things that you're saying.
It just sounds crazy.
You're saying you know, the mandoesn't do for your kid and
this is not.
(03:44):
He's not even being the fatherthat he needs to be.
He wasn't the greatest man wheny'all was together.
So why are you taking the timeand the effort to go on the
internet to display this to?
Probably 80% of the people inthere don't really know you
personally, don't care about youpersonally, don't care to lift
you up or care about youremotions.
(04:04):
They're just there to look atthe drama and like what type of
relief?
I kind of just want tounderstand, like what type of
relief is it providing like?
is it really providing you sometype of relief?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
because it makes me wonder if people like this, do
you not have friends that youcan vent to?
Is it because you're not likingthe response that you're
getting from your family andfriends that are hearing the
story firsthand or witnessing it?
Do you not like their response?
So you feel like let me go onthe internet and get other
people's response, Like I'mconfused.
And then they don't realize howfoolish it makes you.
(04:37):
Look, you're on live running itdown about a baby, dad, a
boyfriend or whoever that you'remad at, and this is what he's
been doing.
But you sound foolish Becausewhy are you dad, a boyfriend or
whoever that you're mad at, andthis is what he's been doing and
this, but you're?
You sound foolish because whyare you accepting that?
Speaker 1 (04:47):
correct and then getting on here and telling the
world.
And you know, the crazy thingabout it is people will say all
the time, because my thing islike to like your kids, like
your kids in futurerelationships correct if they're
seeing you and hearing you dothese things and act like this?
what type of example are youshowing your kids if future
relationships correct?
If they're seeing you andhearing you do these things and
act like this, what type ofexample are you showing your
(05:08):
kids that that's okay becauseyou can't control your emotions
to go and react this way, or youknow I?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
wonder all the time like how it affects people with
in their dating situations.
Because first thing I know I doand I'm sure anybody do
whenever you start talking tosomebody or something or you
meet somebody, first thing I'mdoing is looking up their social
media how you gonna meet a newman and he see you running it
down like this about your kid'sdad yeah, and it just I don't
(05:36):
think it's healthy.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
But you know, hey, I could be wrong talk to a
therapist.
I just want to understand whatis the outcome that you're
getting of this.
Sometimes it's okay.
I feel like we, as human beings, we have to normalize, being
able to, you know, feel ouremotions, sit in our emotions,
reflect on our emotions, talkabout it and then come back to
(05:58):
it and sometimes, once you doall the other steps, sometimes
you don't even need to revisitit and the conversation doesn't
even need to be had, because nowyou're like okay, I understand
where I went wrong, or Iunderstand what I could have did
different or what I can domoving forward to avoid this
type of hurt or pain orconfusion or whatever, and now I
(06:19):
can move on with my life.
You get what I'm saying and Ifeel like that in my life too.
I can't.
I can't think of multiple timeswhere I have been in situations
or done things and I'm likelater on, like, oh, you know
what I'm saying, I could havedid this, or I wish I would have
said that it wasn't even thatserious you know what I'm saying
(06:41):
, but sometimes you react sofast or you do certain things
out of emotion.
You can't come back from that,regardless of how much
self-reflecting andself-awareness you got in the
house.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Because sometimes you done did so much damage.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
There ain't no repair to it.
You get what I'm saying, so youjust got to take it and you
just got to move on with that.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
But I just like I'm like See, you're that person for
me.
I don't have to go on live andspew it all out, because I
caught you and you just stoppedme from making some terrible
decisions, and you know what.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
It's so crazy?
Because people kill me with the.
I don't care what people thinkabout me, everybody cares.
If you didn't care about whatpeople think about you, half the
things that you did you wouldnot do.
You would not get up out of thebed and take that extra 30
minutes in the mirror to makesure your edges is laid.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
You would not put on them lashes so you don't believe
that people do that to makethemselves?
Speaker 1 (07:37):
I do think that people do that to make
themselves look good, but I alsothink that people think about
what other people don't think aswell, because how many times
have you been somewhere andsomebody came to you and was
like oh, don't mind me, I know Ilook a mess.
You get what I'm saying.
That's a sign of care.
You wouldn't even havementioned it to them Because
you're in your mind, or if it'sin your, you know what I'm
(08:01):
trying to say.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I'm trying to help you and I'm trying to say I'm
trying to help you and I'mtrying to pull it from you
because I'm trying back in themind yeah, like, what is it
called?
Speaker 1 (08:11):
what's the name?
Conscious, that's not.
You know what I'm trying to say.
Got you.
Y'all know what I'm trying tosay subconscious teamwork y'all,
that's what I'm saying.
Subconscious, damn, she can helpme down a bit, like over, like,
(08:32):
uh, if y'all can see me overhere, like help me out here,
cause god damn, yeah, yoursubconscious, you either see
your subconscious or not.
You you think that you said it.
You know what I'm saying.
So sometimes we don't even knowwhat we're thinking until we
say something or do something acertain way.
But everybody cares, even ifit's just a little bit what
(08:52):
somebody else thinks.
I don't give a damn and I'mjust.
That's just a part again ofbeing a human.
That is just a part of it.
You know what I'm saying.
Some people care a little lessbecause they are a little bit
more confident.
Some people care less becausethey pray about it.
Lord, please you know, I know Ido, I pray Lord, please remove
any type of self-doubt, any typeof insecurities or any type of
(09:17):
worries, like I pray that off ofme.
You know what I'm saying.
But some people that it comesnatural to them.
But, like I said, everybodycares just a little bit.
So when I say that, I say whenpeople get on you know social
media and people do be trying tohelp them out or say something
like hey, maybe you shouldn't dothis on live or get off live,
because I've seen those commentsunder people's lives like get
(09:39):
off live like put your phonedown baby just take some time to
yourself.
you're not emotionally stablestable Right now.
Just take some time.
We understand you hurt, butjust don't do this.
Don't do this.
You're going to regret it andpeople get offended and they get
defensive.
I don't give a damn.
Get off my life.
I don't care what y'all think.
I don't care what nobody think.
I'm getting my point across.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
So who you need to get across to?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
You're not thinking about what you're saying Cause,
if you are, it makes no damnsense.
Nine Like it, just it's notmaking no type of sense.
You get what I'm saying.
Then you talking basically toyourself, you talking to people,
but at the same time somepeople ain't responding.
So you really just sayingthings to you know to the
screens.
You talking to your phone.
(10:21):
You know to the screen, you'retalking to your phone, you know
what I'm saying.
So it's like you're not gettingthat feedback or you're not
getting any type of productive.
You know, conversation going, soit's really like you know what
I'm saying and then you deleteit later.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
So you do care, correct, you did look at it and
say you were just in the heat ofthe moment and you were mad and
went on and vented that is notwhere you're supposed to vent.
Correct social media is not theplace to vent.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
so regardless embarrassing that's, I'll say
all that to say sometimes thingsare better talked about and
said and past tense, and whatthat means is that it's okay to
go through things in real timebut react later or discuss it
later.
There's so much wisdom and somuch understanding that comes
(11:10):
later.
You get what I'm saying andthat's what people mean by
hindsight is 20-20.
In the moment you don't seethings for the full scope of
what it is, but after you'vehealed and after you've
reflected and after you'vetalked about it and after you've
cried and screamed and prayed,then you have more clarity, you
(11:31):
have more understanding and nowyou're able to move forward.
That's a word, amen, okay, butyes.
So to get into the main topicof today me and Cuz was talking
the other day because we do weget in our deep conversations.
We talk a lot about our livesand God.
(12:02):
If you are a God, you knowfeeling person, if you're living
a faith-based life, um, I thinkit's fair to say that the end
goal is to salvation, um, and weall know that you know, if
you've read the Bible, that youknow what that means is that you
make it into eternal life withthe Lord and you get your final
(12:24):
job well done.
And I thought that would begood to talk on today.
And I think it kind of just goesinto the WTH moment too,
because, um, myself have been insituations and I've made
decisions in the moment withouttaking the time to reflect or
(12:44):
pray on it and consult with theLord first.
And now I'm looking back like,wow, probably should have made
that decision, probably shouldhave made that call, didn't
consult with the Lord on thatone, and I'm looking at the
outcome of those decisions andthose things.
And then it may.
It brings concern and worry tome, because then I start to
(13:05):
worry.
Well, lord, I want to make surethat I get my job well done,
right you know, because I don'twant to do all of this just to
be turned away.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
That'll be the worst thing to get to those gates and
god say I don't know who are youwhat?
Speaker 1 (13:19):
what are you saying?
Baby boy?
he said I don't want to get tohim and what he said.
What he said turn your assaround.
So you know, that's how it issaid.
I don't want to get to him andit'll be what he said turn your
ass around.
You know, that's how it is.
Like you don't, at some pointin life, you, you start thinking
about that and I know well, forme that's, you know, true, and
I always, you know, think aboutthat.
I'm like lord, but you know, inthe moment I'm not necessarily
(13:41):
thinking about it, but then,after the fact, I'm like wow,
you know what I'm saying.
And so with that, you know,I've just been thinking like,
okay, well, every good thingthat I do, or good deed that I
do may not be a God deed or aGod thing, or you know what I'm
(14:04):
saying sometimes we think youknow we might be helping a
situation or helping a person.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Maybe God don't want us to be helping that person or
the situation, maybe he needsthem to feel what they're going
through.
And here you come, intruding,doing what you think is best for
somebody else, and really it'sinterfering with God's plan,
interfering with God's plan.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
And so then you look back and you're like well damn,
how much help did I do?
Because that person ain't evenreally much better off than
where they was when I helpedthem, you know.
And so then that's when thereflection comes in and it's
like oh lord, what I done didyou know exactly and so you know
a couple episodes.
We talked a couple episodes ago.
(14:44):
We talked about, um, you know,similar to this on the Can I
Vent and in that moment I wasgoing through something and I
was like stuck in between a rockand a hard place with decision
making and y'all I was tellingbecause, like, I feel like I
have been as transparent withthe podcast.
So today, guys, I'm going toopen up a little bit more and,
(15:04):
you know, go more detail becauseI felt like I have been as
transparent with the podcast.
So today, guys, I'm going toopen up a little bit more and,
you know, go more detail,because I felt like I was very
vague.
You know before, but before Ihave talked about before on the
podcast, how I grew up with twodrug and alcohol addicted
parents.
Most of my life, majority of mylife, all of my childhood,
really, um, yeah, my dad gotclean.
(15:26):
I was already grown at the time, um, so, yeah, my dad got clean
and gave his life to Christ,maybe about 10, uh, 10, 12 years
ago or whatnot.
So, yeah, pretty much all of mychildhood, my parents have
struggled with their own demonsand, um, it was very rough for
me growing up.
You know, pillar to post andhere living here I've lived,
(15:48):
moved around a lot, lived with alot of different family members
and never necessarily felt likeI was, you know, stable or
where I was supposed to be.
I never just was 100%comfortable with you know with
my life in that, in that time,you know, but I just kind of was
(16:13):
just going with the flow andjust going with the motion of
life.
Honestly, um, when I look back,that's kind of how I feel like
I feel like I was a numb, a lot.
I feel like I was kind of likein a fog.
I feel like when I look back atmy life in the movie it would be
like in slow motion.
It seemed like like things werejust going probably really fast
(16:33):
.
But to me it was like slowmotion, like watching something
in slow motion, and so, um, alot of things were just
uncertain for me growing up,like, um, just who I was
supposed to be and how my lifewas supposed to be.
And if you know, this wasreally just my life.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
You know what I'm saying and you know I just
doubted a lot of things and Ijust didn't did you ever feel
like I know you said you didn'treally feel comfortable did you
ever feel like not wanted?
Speaker 1 (17:02):
oh, for sure, I felt.
I don't know I don't know ifit's not wanted, but I felt not
worthy, like I wasn't worth.
You know, I felt like myparents wanted me in a sense,
but I felt like I wasn't worthyof having good parents or stable
(17:23):
parents.
I wasn't worthy of havingcomfort.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I wasn't worthy of having stability, because or
having parents that madesacrifices for you and went out
their way for you Correct,Correct, Correct.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
So I felt, like you know, I just didn't feel worthy
in that time of my life and itwas a struggle.
It was a struggle.
I mean.
It took a lot of therapy and alot of stuff for me to work
through and I'm still workingthrough it.
I mean it's a lifelong journey.
It's a lot of years ofdysfunction and things like that
you know.
So, yeah, of course you know,but I got older, you know.
(18:02):
I got through life, Thank God,and you excelled a lot For you
to have you know went througheverything that you went through
.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Like anybody who didn't know what you were going
through.
I mean, you always had a smile.
You're always into sports, youknow, always into activities,
always laughing.
Smile, you're always intosports, you know, always into
activities, always laughing.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, and you know and that when I reflect, I think
like that was just God.
You know, that was just the guyin me at that time and I wasn't
even necessarily in covenantwith God.
I wasn't in relationship withGod at that time.
I wasn't really praying as likeas much or really.
Where there wasn't any faithbehind my prayer is what I'll
say.
Um, but you know, I just wasjust going through life and I
(18:39):
just knew what I wanted to be asa person, so that I just kind
of held on to that.
But a lot of people that knowme, they say like, if you know,
when I let them in on a littlebit of my life or whatever
they're like no, there's no wayyou've been there.
There's no way you come fromthat Like there's no way.
You come from that like there'sno way you know.
I'm saying you are who you areand you've been through these
(19:00):
things.
Like they just can't believe itand um, and that I don't talk
about it, or that it doesn'tshow, or like you know as much
as we are.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
So the opposite when it comes to that, because I talk
shit about it every chance.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
I get.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
You did Every chance I get.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
And you know I just what I learned that you know I
had to really work through andunderstand that.
That does not define me.
Those things that I've beenthrough, the traumas that I've
experienced, those things do notdefine me.
Those are things that I wentthrough but those are not me.
You know that's not who I amRight, you know I am worthy, I'm
(19:42):
worthy of love, I'm worthy ofprotection, I'm worthy of
consistency, I'm worthy ofstability, I'm worthy for
somebody to show up for me.
You know I am and I am love andI know how to love.
You know what I'm saying and Ifeel like it took a lot of me,
you know doing that work to getthere.
But it was a struggle.
(20:03):
You know what I'm saying.
But I felt like, once again, Ididn't know how to talk about it
and really I wasn't.
I didn't really know thesethings yet.
I didn't really understandthese things yet.
So that's why I say it kind ofgoes hand in hand with the WCH
moment, because it's like now.
It's like now, years later, nowthat I've done the healing,
I've done the work, I feel moreconfident to talk about it.
(20:27):
Yeah, as to then and the hurtand the pain, and just being
like Because you owe that toyourself and to your kids too.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Yeah, because I feel like my kids need to understand
why I am the way that I amcorrect.
So I need to explain, you know,my life, my childhood, what
I've been through, what I'veexperienced.
So then you know, they can giveme a little grace sometimes or,
you know, talk to me maybeabout ways to, you know,
navigate things in a better way,and stuff like that yeah, and
it's not to shame anybody.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
You know that was another thing I had to worry I
always worried about too.
It's like I don't want myparents or people who have done
me wrong or anything, Like Idon't want to shame them because
that's not my job, cause you'reso crazy.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
I want to shame them.
I do.
I'm okay with it, because youshouldn't have did it.
You shouldn't have said it.
Yeah, that's how I feel, no.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
And that's why I'm okay, we get it off my chest and
um.
But I had to realize that too,I, and I felt like the lord was
telling me that, like you, don'towe it to nobody to, to holding
your truth.
And your, you know your story,like you know what I'm saying
because I know my heart.
I am, I'm, I don't, I don'thave to shame you, you're gonna
yeah, I see that you're wearingthat.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
I don't have to put that.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
You're going to shame yourself.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I see that you're wearing that.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
I don't have to put that on you Because you know,
like I know what it was.
You get what I'm saying.
But you know, sometimes, likeyou know how and I've heard this
from people before like youknow people who feel like their
(21:59):
parents are delusional or theysay you know, because a lot of
times parents don't realize thatwe did see and hear or they'll
create knowledge, thealternative, uh, you know
situation, or their alternativetruth, like what they, what,
their perspective?
Speaker 2 (22:05):
yeah, what happened, yeah, yeah and so you know,
that's why I gotta add my littleextra razzle dazzle of shame,
just in case you know we don'tplay delusional.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
So then maybe they're not shaming themselves and I
thank god for my um sense ofdiscernment, though, because I
remember having a conversationwith my dad about some of the
things that I experienced whilein his care and, um, he told me
that he did not know, he wasn'taware, but I didn't have to say,
and because, in my my spirit, Iknew that you did and that I, I
(22:35):
know that you know there.
There's no way you and I knowthat you know, there's no way
you didn't know.
If you know what I mean.
But I don't have to say that toyou because I feel it, I feel
it in my spirit, that you know,but you have to tell yourself
you didn't know, because itmakes it better for you, because
you didn't protect me in theway that you were supposed to
(22:56):
protect me and now you have tolive with that.
You were supposed to protect meand now you have to live with
that because I have to live withthe traumas and now you're
aware of those traumas and howthey affect me.
So you have to tell yourselfthat you didn't know, you
weren't aware, and I'll let youhave that.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
I won't.
I need an apology.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
I need a heartfelt apology.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I need you to say okay, that happened and I'm
sorry.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
No, there was definitely apologies.
I won't take that from them.
There was definitely apologiesand I appreciate it.
Apologies definitely help.
You know what I'm saying, but Ifeel as though the forgiveness
was there before the apology.
So I don't feel like it reallydid much for me in a sense of
(23:43):
like.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
So you truthfully, feel like you can forgive your
parents for something thatthey're not even admitting to.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Yes, because that was my heart with my issue, like
with my mom, like I can't evenforgive you because you're
acting like you don't know whatI'm talking about I feel as
though, um, once again, I justhave to give the credit to the
lord, because I feel like Iforgave my parents and it was
kind of like an automatic thing.
I feel like there are timeswhere I do find myself having to
(24:14):
re-forgive them Re-forgive okay, because they will do or say
something that triggerssomething from the past.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
But or something that I feel like I told you that
this hurts me or this makes mefeel this way and you're
displaying this behavior.
So now I find myself having towork through that because I
don't want to get angry or Idon't want to have that
resentment there.
But yeah, I do find myselfhaving to work through that
because I don't want to getangry or I don't want to have
that resentment there.
Um, but yeah, I do find myself.
I feel I definitely haveforgave my parents.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Did you forgive your parents?
Like, do you feel like when youwere a kid, like you already
knew, you forgave when you werea kid?
Are we talking like when yougot older and then had kids and
kind of like, what point do youfeel like you forgave them?
Speaker 1 (24:55):
I feel like I forgave them, um, in the moment.
Um, because, though I felt, um,unworthy and, like I said, I
felt a lot of things, there wasone thing, there was one thing
that I held on to just a littlebit was like hope that things
would change, yeah, so, for me,that's where I feel like the
(25:20):
forgiveness was, because I feltlike I never shut the door on
them completely, like I alwaysleft a window for them, even if
it was just cracked, for them tolike change and be better and
like be the parents that Iwanted them to be or the parents
that I felt like I deserved.
I think the true forgiveness oracceptance, I would say came
(25:50):
when I learned that they onlycan be who they are.
So, though, I hold out hopethat they will be who I want
them to be, or who I need themto be, to show up for me.
They may never be those people,and that's where I feel like
the resentment is going toalways stay and you can't truly
forgive them, because you'reholding an expectation to
(26:12):
someone who's just not capableof meeting that expectation,
someone who's just not capableof meeting that expectation.
So, though, my father is cleanand he's giving his life to
christ and I'm so thankful to beable to witness that miracle.
Um, I would say that I haveaccepted that he still has not
and will not be who I need himto be.
(26:34):
For me as a father, if thatmakes sense, and same for my mom
, and though she's still workingthrough things, it's just like
I have learned that and I thinkthat that was really important
for me moving forward to startnew relationships, because if
I'm holding these people who'vebeen a part of my life, who's
(26:56):
hurt me for so many years, toexpectations, I'm doing the same
thing to the people that'scoming into my life.
I'm holding them toexpectations, you know right out
the gate, and I'm that settingthat relationship up for failure
.
Because, once again, I can'thold you to be somebody.
I can tell you what I expect,right, and I can tell you what
I'm looking for, but I can't belike if you don't do it, you
(27:19):
know, whatever, whatever, likethat doesn't make you a bad
person.
It just means that maybe we'renot meant to be in a
relationship, we're not meant tobe in connection, or whatever
the case may be, if that makessense.
You know what I'm saying, but Ithink that that was a very
important lesson for me to learnwith that, and so I think that
(27:44):
that's where, more so, theforgiveness came from with.
In my childhood, it was likeyou know that hope like OK, yeah
, there's a lot of brokenpromises, there's a lot of lies,
there's a lot, so you stillhave expectations of your
parents.
No, and that's what I'm saying,like, the expectations are no
longer there.
I, the acceptance and the true,true forgiveness, came in,
accepting that, okay, these are,these are who, the people that
(28:05):
they are, and now I have todecide how I want to deal with
them, how much access I wantthem to have to my life and now
those are the decisions I'mmaking.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Now you get what I'm saying because now I've worked
so that, and so, since you knowyou do, both of your parents you
know, praise God are stillalive.
So do you feel like, since theyare your parents, do you not
just feel like theyautomatically deserve access to
you and your kids?
You know their grandkids.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, correct?
No, I don't, I don't, andthat's what I have struggled
with too, you know, and that'swhy you know, therapy and
talking about things andreflecting is important, because
a lot of the decisions I madenow that I thought were God
decisions were just gooddecisions.
It was decisions that I thoughtwere good on the strength that
(28:52):
this is my mom, this is my dad,this is what I'm supposed to do,
this is how you know, and sothat was the expectation, and
God's going to be proud of mefor that, because what I'm
honoring my parents in my mind,that's what I'm doing.
So, you know, at 18, when mymom's you know long time
boyfriend, she had a stroke, youknow he.
(29:12):
You know she lived with him.
She was, you know, stay at homegirlfriend.
He took everything.
She didn't really have to domuch.
When he got sick and he couldnot take care of himself anymore
, he had to go away and, youknow, live in a facility.
Then here I am, you know, 18, 19teen mom, fresh out of high
school, taking in my mom youknow what I'm saying and I'm
(29:33):
like, okay, this is anopportunity for us to rebuild
and reconnect and she can helpme with my son he's, you know
they can build theirrelationship or whatever,
whatever.
But in that, you know she'sstill struggling with her, you
know, with her demons and herstruggles, and I'm trying to
figure out life as an adult andas a mom, and you know what I'm
(29:54):
saying and little to no guidance, you know, and it just became
like I started to do things andfeel like I'm doing things out
of obligation to you know, mymom, and so years and years go
on and I'm doing this and,granted, my mom has nine kids
I'm not the oldest and at timesI wasn't the most stable or I
(30:16):
wasn't the most.
You know what I'm saying.
My life wasn't the most stableor I wasn't the most.
You know what I'm saying.
My life wasn't the most puttogether, but I would not.
You know, I wasn't giving upthat responsibility because I'm
like this is my mom.
You know what I'm saying and Iowe her that.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm honoring my mom.
The Lord is going to give me myjob.
Well done, because regardless ofwhat I went through as a kid,
(30:37):
I'm still showing up and I'mstill being this person and and
even though it's weighing on meand mentally I'm not good and
emotionally I'm not good.
I'm still, you know, standingin and feeling what I'm, the
role I'm supposed to feel.
You know what I'm saying andnot understanding the toll it
(30:59):
was taking on me until it justgot so built up.
You get what I'm saying and soyou know.
Now we're 10, 12 years laterand I had to make the decision
that I can't do this anymore.
You know I can't do thisanymore.
I feel like you know thedecisions I'm making.
I'm not really consulting withthe Lord in these decisions.
(31:21):
I'm doing things out of feelingobligated.
I've become a people pleaser.
I've become, you know, took onthis savior complex like I can't
save everybody, and I'mlearning that, though I can help
here and there, every time Ithink I'm helping I might be
hindering, I might be enabling,I don't know, and that, though I
can help here and there, everytime I think I'm helping I might
be hindering, I might beenabling, I don't know.
(31:43):
And that's why I need to take astep back and consult in the
Lord and my decisions more.
And now I'm looking at my tallymarks that I'm thinking I'm
doing good and I'm thinking I'mup in the game.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm up in the game.
But then I'm saying I'm up inthe game, but then I'm like,
(32:05):
well, maybe none of that shiteven matters, maybe that don't
even count, no more, becausewhatever lesson he was trying to
give in that season, did Iinterfere with that?
Did I?
You know what I'm saying?
Did I stop whatever he wastrying to do in that moment
because I thought that I wasdoing the right thing?
you know what I'm saying maybethat was finally the opportunity
for your mom to experience adifferent type of rock bottom,
to where now she's in asituation, to where nobody can
(32:28):
take care of her and she has tofigure that out herself you know
, like you might have interferedwith that, but you know you
love your mom, of course, andyou want to try to help yeah,
for sure, and that's what I'mlearning now is like even you
know, too with your mom, ofcourse, and you want to try to
help yeah, for sure, and that'swhat I'm and that's what I'm
learning now is like even youknow, too with my dad.
There's a lot of things that Ifeel like you know, especially
just out of excitement of likehim, changing his life around
(32:51):
and just wanting to support himand show him like I'm so proud
of you.
I'm happy for you and you knowall of those things.
Um, you know, even when heasked the things of me, I didn't
really think about it, or Ijust kind of felt like you know,
oh, I got to do this, or like Ihave to.
You know what I'm saying, andit's just like, like, really
(33:13):
like now I don't know what'swhat I'm supposed to to be doing
, because here I am just makingthese decisions based off of
what I think I'm supposed to do,but I'm not really sure, and
then I feel like I don't evenhave the time to really think
about it and like did you feellike like you didn't want to
disappoint them by saying no tocertain things, or you didn't
want to say like okay.
(33:35):
And not even necessarilydisappoint, but it's like, um,
you know, I feel like with mydad.
I feel like he has you know, hestruggles sometimes with his
delivery, okay and I feel likehe has a lot of.
My dad has like a superiorcomplex, like I feel like he's
(33:55):
always had that and he has a wayof like, like, manipulating,
like you know what I'm sayingmanipulating you to feel like or
for me how I feel like like yes, like I was obligated to do
these things and I feel likeboth my parents, in a way, kind
(34:16):
of did that to me.
You know my mom more in a gentleway, because she's not like
that, you know, my mom's notlike straightforward with it,
but then my dad is like morelike straightforward with it and
I just kind of yeah, just feltobligated.
You know what I'm saying andI'm just, like you know, after
the fact, like ugh, like this isjust too much.
Like After the fact, like, oh,like this is just too much, like
(34:37):
I don't, you know, like whatyou know, but then if I don't do
it, then what Like or am I?
You know what I'm saying, but Iam in a place where I'm
learning too and I feel like theLord is delivering me to a
season where it's like an Ichoose me season, if and like I
(35:04):
talked about before, in that youknow, can I vent, vent I feel
like, like I said, I was veryvague so people probably didn't
understand what I meant, butlike what I was saying was that
now that I'm making thedecisions and I'm getting
gaining clarity from the Lordand I'm feeling like, okay, me
no longer taking on theresponsibility of my mom or me
no longer doing the x, y and zfor my dad.
If that means that there's issueor there's distance between us,
I'm okay with that.
I'm accepting that.
So weird.
(35:24):
I'm accepting that.
I'm not going to, I'm not goingto carry that guilt.
I'm not going to allow nobodyto make, let put that guilt on
me, put that, just that weightof like, oh, I'm not a good
daughter or just like whateverthose insecurities.
I'm not doing that.
I'm, I'm making those decisionsand I'm moving forward.
(35:44):
I don't if that means that therelationship is severed or
there's distance or the accessis is is very limited, then I'm
okay with that because, onceagain, I have to understand that
they can only be who they areand if these are, these are the
things that they do or these arethe traits that they can only
be who they are.
And if these are, these are thethings that they do or these
are the traits that they carryand this is who they are.
Okay, I accept that.
(36:05):
I still love you.
There's no love lost.
However, in order to protect meand my peace and then my mental
health, then that means thatokay, well, things have to be
limited.
Speaker 2 (36:16):
Now, things have to be limited now it is so
fascinating to me how we couldbe so close and just hearing how
different you handle stuff,which it just makes me look back
at how I do things, because mysituation wasn't quite like
yours, but I definitely hadissues with my mom in particular
(36:38):
.
But I handle stuff like notgentle like you, like I never
felt like I don't owe you shit,like the fact that I'm not a
street walker on sullivan avenueright now like you're lucky.
You're lucky, yeah, you knowwhat I mean.
And so I remember when my momhad to come back to live with me
, for and it was veryshort-lived your mom came back
(36:59):
and stayed with you for, wouldyou say, 12 years.
Yeah, it was about my mom hadto come back to live with me,
for and it was very short livedyour mom came back and stayed
with you for, would you say, 12years?
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Yeah, it was about all of three months, couldn't
wait.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
Came to the door talking my shit you know what I
mean and you couldn't handlethat.
And then you left and fell someway, and you know it.
Even thinking back, it's like Ihad to live whole childhood
feeling like I was very unwanted.
Feeling, uh, like not apriority.
Yeah, um, feeling like you knowmen were more important than
(37:26):
your kids were.
You know, just feeling how Ifelt I lived uncomfortably my
whole childhood.
Okay, and you come into myhouse and you can't even live
uncomfortably for three monthsyou know what?
I, I mean yeah, and so I thinkthat you know you still have
like a lot of care for yourparents.
I just don't give a fuck, likeI just did not.
No care, I feel like you didn'tcare about me, so I don't care
(37:50):
about you.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, is that?
Speaker 1 (37:53):
wrong and I feel like you know, I think that you're
not quite in a place of likefull forgiveness in a sense,
Because it sounds like you know.
You're definitely entitled tofeel your emotions but, like you
said, it's like you didn't dothis for me or you didn't show
up for me this way.
So I'm not obligated to show upfor you and that's true, but it
(38:15):
should be I'm not obligated toshow up for you like that,
because I'm just not obligated,regardless of what you did, I'm
just not obligated becausethat's not my job as a child.
You know, I love you, I respectyou and, like you said that,
you know that's my job, you knowwhat I'm saying.
I love you, I respect you, youknow what I'm saying.
If there's a relationship there,you know whatever, but you know
(38:37):
, at the end of the day, for meit was like that was one thing I
always worked towards too withmy forgiveness was like, okay,
yeah, you guys did do this to meand though y'all don't deserve,
you know half of what I'mgiving, once again, that was
still me holding on to that hope, like, okay, they didn't show
(38:58):
up for me and the way that Ineeded them to show up for me,
but maybe if I can show up thisway, maybe they'll meet me
halfway, maybe they'll, maybethey'll be like, oh wow, you
know, and maybe it would givethem more, you know, like they
would give them more of to putmore effort.
(39:19):
It would give them a, like thaturge to put more of an effort
to show up a certain way.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
I think the biggest difference with our situations
is because you sound like youhad more hope than I did, right,
yeah, and I feel like a lot ofissue, a lot of the issues with
your parents were, you know, yousaid yes, substance abuse and
things like that, and thatwasn't an issue in my life, so I
think that's why it makes meeven more disappointed.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
Okay, like I low-key.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
Wish I could say that I was raised how I was, because
this isn't, this can't be, whomy mom is.
Something is consuming her.
This is not her personality,but no very sober, very sober.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
So you're saying that you wish there was something
that I could justify the actionseven though nothing justifies
it because even still you knowit's still a choice, because you
always have the hope that, yeah, they'll get clean.
No, I get what you're sayingthat and for me it was just you
know, this was your this wasyour choice and you stood on
(40:19):
your choice and that was whatwas more important.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
You know what I mean and so for the rest of my life.
That's how I'm going to feel,yeah yeah, no, that's definitely
.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
And now you know you say that and I get it, you know
from, and I know that's a fuckedup thing to say like I wish
that I could.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
I wish that I could blame, yeah, my childhood on my
parents being, yeah, you know,on something I wish I had that
excuse.
Like I wish I had that excusebecause it's even more hurtful.
Yeah, it's more hurtful to knowlike no, this is just what you
believed and this is who you are.
And those decisions, you stoodon those decisions.
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Yeah, I feel like to you know, though, my parents'
struggles were very apparent.
I feel like what I would say isthat some people they have
different struggles, you knowthey may not be of sound mind.
Some people don't have thestrong mentality or, you know,
(41:21):
um confidence to to withholdcertain things or to stand
against certain things, so theymay allow more things to slip
through the crack or more thingsto pass, and that doesn't.
It doesn't, it's not an excuse,and that's why I am such an
advocate for mental healthawareness and things like that
too, because you, somewhere downthe line, you have to be a
(41:48):
little bit aware of something'snot right, and then, and then,
with that little bit ofawareness, you have to make a
decision to seek the help orseek the treatment, or seek the
change.
And when you don't do that,then that's like okay, I know
that, though you know and you'reaware that there's something
(42:11):
that's not right, you're okaywith it.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
You're okay with it, and it's just so hard and I and
I know it might not be fairbecause parent you know there's
no, everybody knows there's no,you know, rule book to how to be
a good parent and all of thatgood stuff.
But the feeling that I got whenI gave birth to my kids and
(42:37):
just knowing how much I want toprotect them, how much I want to
love them, how much I want toprotect them, how much I want to
love them, how much I want tobe on their side, like it's just
mind boggling that the personwho gave birth to me I felt like
didn't feel like that.
You know, like how important mykids are to me, I did not.
(42:57):
It's mind boggling to reallythink that that person, I wasn't
important to that person.
Speaker 1 (43:02):
Yeah, and that's why I tell my kids a lot of things
that I do.
I do it for you guys.
You know what I'm saying.
A lot of decisions, I make alot of things.
I do these things for you as mykids.
And so, yeah, I do and it hasmade me I feel like a great
mother.
My childhood also, and myexperience with my parents, I
(43:23):
feel like, has also given mesome things that I feel like you
know, I've been working on andpraying about.
As far as, like my, you know,the connection I have with my
kids and how like I don't bewanting them, I have like, and
how I don't be wanting them.
I have separation anxiety withthem because I feel like if I
(43:44):
spend too much time with them, Idon't ever want them to worry
about if I love them or if Idon't want them around, if I'm
not thinking about them.
My son just went away to campfor a week.
With the camp, they don't getto communicate with us the whole
time they're gone.
We can send them little notesand emails on this app, but we
(44:04):
don't get to talk to them, andevery day I made sure I sent the
note or two, even it was justsay I love you, say your night
prayers or whatever.
Like I do that a lot and I feellike sometimes it's overbearing
to my son, especially now thathe's about to be a teenager.
Um, you know, I feel like it'soverbearing to my son,
especially now that he's aboutto be a teenager.
You know, I feel like it'soverbearing to him because
sometimes I get like reallyanxious if I don't get to
contact him.
(44:25):
He's like mom, I'm, you know,I'm here, you know what.
Speaker 2 (44:28):
I'm saying, and that's why it's so important to
talk to your kids about yourexperiences and when you went
through.
So he can have a little moregrace.
Speaker 1 (44:35):
Yeah, give me a little bit more grace but yeah,
you know, so you know, itdefinitely is it definitely
crossed my mind.
Sometimes.
I'm like dang, I wish you knowlike my parents would have
looked at me and kind of foughta little bit harder, or you know
, and it's just like you know, Ijust tried to, you know, think
(44:56):
about it in a different light.
You know like, okay, well, youknow, maybe they don't, they
didn't, it wasn't supposed tochange for me, maybe they were
supposed to change forthemselves.
You know like they were whothey were before they were my
parents.
You get what I'm saying and youknow whatever they witnessed,
whatever they grew up and theirlives were for
(45:16):
me and their own traumas.
Um, so you know, I do give alot of grace there, but, like I
said, um, you know, sometimes weget we get it misconstrued with
giving people grace andforgiving people.
Um, we get it misconstrued withallowing people to misuse us
and, um, we gain that accesskind of prematurely and it's
(45:41):
absolutely okay and I'm speakingto myself when I say this too
Like it's absolutely okay withyou know, standing on your
boundaries and it's absolutelyand being okay, whatever the
outcome be, and it is absolutelyokay for letting people lie in
the bed that they made.
Speaker 2 (45:57):
Yeah, yep, you don't get to just not provide.
You don't get to just notprovide you, don't get to not do
your best Correct by your kidsand then expect that y'all are
going to have this amazingfriendship when your kid is
grown.
You know what I mean.
Like that's not what that means.
Speaker 1 (46:13):
Yeah, like it's okay for you to deal with your
consequences.
Yeah, the relationship is, youknow, molded off of.
You know the history of it, youknow so, no matter how much you
try, it's still rooted in.
You know the hurt and thedisappointment and you know you
(46:37):
can do all the forgiving in theworld, it doesn't erase what
you've been through and I thinkthat it's important to
definitely give yourself gracewith that because, like I said,
a lot of it just came from mejust being so scared of like, oh
, you know, like I don't want tobe a bad daughter, you know,
just because they weren't thebest parents to me doesn't mean
(46:59):
I can't be the best daughter tothem, but also being careful.
What I define as being the bestdaughter.
Speaker 2 (47:04):
Right.
Speaker 1 (47:05):
I pray for my parents every day.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
The fact that you're not a prostitute on the street
is how you're being the bestdaughter.
That's how you, because that'show you're being the best
daughter.
Like I could be really out herebad.
Okay, with the life that yougave me, I could have been out
here bad.
You're welcome for not being aprostitute.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
If you're not a prostitute, you're great, you're
great.
Oh my gosh, she's not lettinggo of that process too many.
But yeah, no, I pray for myparents every day.
I love my parents.
I do try to be there for themand support them as much as
(47:49):
possible, but I do understandthat in a lot of ways I've
enabled my parents.
Speaker 2 (47:57):
In a lot of ways, I've enabled my parents In a lot
of ways, I have allowed them toget comfortable with You've
allowed them the opportunity tocontinue to hurt you.
It's how I look at it as well.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
Yeah.
And to continue to disappointyou in some ways.
Yeah, in some ways, and youknow, and just I feel like
there's not enough gratitudethere, man, if that's the word I
can say yes.
(48:29):
There's not enough gratitude.
I mean, a thank you is nice,I'm not going to lie.
A thank you is nice and I'm not.
If y'all don't take anythingelse, if y'all haven't learned
nothing from me in these pastthree years of the SheBoku
podcast, I am the least like Iam, the easiest person to please
(48:49):
.
I don't require a lot frompeople at all.
I could require much more, butI understand we human beings, so
I don't require a lot.
You know, even when I had myexpectations, they were very,
very like minimal.
I was to say that.
But a thank you is nice, butit's the action behind it.
(49:12):
You can't say thank you for allthe things that you've done, but
I just need one more thing or Ineed another take stuff off of
my plate or thank you, but and Iknow you're going through this,
but I need you to do this and Ineed you like that kind of just
counteracts each other correct,and so you gave me a thank you,
(49:32):
but then hell, no for an extrarazzle, dazzle and so, yeah,
it's just like, it's just a loty'all.
And you know, I just like I saidit's been heavy on my heart and
I just wanted to be open andmore transparent because that is
.
You know what I've been goingthrough and I'm in the season
(49:53):
and I'm claiming it.
You know I'm choosing me.
I'm choosing, you know, to havepeace.
I'm choosing to be happy.
I'm choosing to accept whateverthe outcome is from the
decisions that I make that Ifeel is best for me and my
children moving forward.
(50:13):
And I will never stopresponsibility.
Speaker 2 (50:17):
Your parents don't necessarily have to be your
responsibility, but your kids.
And their childhood experience,like that is our responsibility
, yeah.
Speaker 1 (50:28):
And you know, I want my job well done.
I want to hear job well donefrom the Lord.
And you know, eva, tell me allthe time Because you making it
through them, gates and otherpeople tell me you're such a
great person, you do this, youdo that, but, like I said,
things have to be rooted, andI'm understanding that more.
(50:49):
It just has to be rooted, ithas to be consulted with and it
has to be ordered and ordainedby the Lord to be counted as a
God thing.
So, though, I've done a lot ofgood things as a daughter, as a
cousin, as a friend, as a mother, you know good things are good,
(51:10):
but God things are the end, allbe all and the relationships
that the Lord has, you know,placed amongst my life, even
with my parents.
You know he knew that they wouldbe my parents before.
They knew they would be myparents, before I knew they was
going to be my parents, so thatwas already written.
You get what I'm saying.
Can't change it, can't donothing about it, but move on.
(51:31):
For me, like I said, theexpectations are gone.
You know, my hope now is thateveryone them, myself, my
children that we can all learnfrom the experience, love more
and just grow from it and makebetter decisions, moving forward
(51:53):
my hope would be that y'all canbe better grandparents than you
were parents that's the onlyway to really you know, try to.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
My hope would be that y'all can be better
grandparents than you wereparents.
Yeah.
That's the only way to really,you know, try to I don't know
make up for it.
Speaker 1 (52:09):
Well, I'm so proud of you for you know being
vulnerable and talking aboutthat, yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:12):
Because I mean a lot of people struggle with issues
with their parents, even peoplewho on the outside looking and
we thought, had the bestchildhood, the best life.
They had everything they wantthey you know wanted, let alone
need it, um, and so I think thatyou know that's another reason
why we're called to even do thepodcast like our testimonies,
(52:33):
like there's a lot of power inour testimonies, like we're
showing people that this iswhere we came from and we're
refusing to let it keep us in acertain place.
We still want the best forourselves.
We still have hope forourselves and high expectations
of ourselves.
Speaker 1 (52:53):
Very proud of you.
Speaker 2 (52:54):
We teared up a couple times, y'all, we teared up a
couple times, you proud of me?
Speaker 1 (52:58):
Yeah, I'm proud of me .
Yes, is it?
I'm proud of you.
And you know, just for thosewho listening, you know If you
are A prostitute In the street.
Speaker 2 (53:13):
You are still worthy, you are and you can make it to
the pearly gates.
Speaker 1 (53:17):
You can, it's never too late.
It is not too late to change.
Speaker 2 (53:21):
There's some prostitutes and some of their
parents probably contributed Towhy they became the way they
became.
Speaker 1 (53:28):
But you know God loves us all.
He does absolutely so.
Yeah, I hope y'all Tooksomething from this.
I hope that you guys can, tooAppreciate my vulnerability, my
transparency on this episode.
It wasn't easy.
Yeah, I hope y'all tooksomething from this.
I hope that you guys can, too,appreciate my vulnerability, my
transparency on this episode.
It wasn't easy, but, you know,I felt the Lord with me the
whole way and I do feel likethere could be some takeaway
(53:51):
from it.
And, like I said, eva's alwaysvery open and transparent, as
y'all can see, honey, she don'tbite her tongue, she don't
sugarcoat it, it's just straightforward and I just hope that
you know.
Know, like I said, like withevery segment that we do, we
just pray that you know a touchof someone, that a word was said
, that touch someone that youcan learn from and help in.
You know any way.
And, yeah, y'all.
(54:11):
So let me know what y'all think.
You know y'all like the moretransparent, the more vulnerable
me, the more vulnerable me.
You know what I'm saying and,yeah, I'm going to give it every
time Moving forward.
I'm going to try.
Speaker 2 (54:23):
Cause y'all know I'm emotional honey.
Yeah, that was.
Speaker 1 (54:27):
Yeah, that was a good one, that was good.
Well, until next time, guys,stay bold.
She Vogue, she Real, and she's definitely ready.
Hey guys, welcome back toanother episode of the she Vogue
Crew Podcast.
It's your girl, smiley B andEva G, and we are back with
(00:23):
another boat episode.
So, guys, today I have a WTHmoment.
I feel like it's been a minutesince I've had a WTH moment?
Speaker 2 (00:31):
What's it giving?
Why the hell when?
Speaker 1 (00:35):
there where the hell it's giving.
Why the hell do people get onsocial media and scream and blur
all their business to theinternet and be?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
looking crazy and are you speaking just statuses
period, where people are pouringout too much information, or
lives, because lives, that'swhat get me.
People get on lives and just dothe most.
Yeah, like I have never beenmad enough to get on, live and
run it down.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
I feel like the Lord just put this message on my
heart.
But I feel like and we talkedabout this but I feel like some
things are better said or talkedabout in past tense, are better
said or talked about in pasttense.
You know the very commonstatement that you know
(01:34):
hindsight is 20 20.
It's just, most of the time, 99of the time better to talk
about, to visit, to deal withcertain things a certain way
after some time has passed.
We are emotional beings ashumans.
That is one fact that we allknow.
(01:55):
We all have emotions.
Whether we all know how tocontrol our emotions, understand
our emotions or express ouremotions, that is totally
different.
But we understand that we allhave emotions.
So I'm not saying that peopledon't feel a way and I'm not
saying that as humans, we don'tslip up every now and again and
(02:19):
do something out of emotion.
But I'm talking about therepetitive yes, repetitive
behavior of getting on socialmedia live and just spruing all
your business all over theinternet but not even thinking
(02:40):
of how you're making yourselflook, you don't do stuff like.
You don't do stuff like that inthe moment you don't do stuff
like that and, like I said, evenif you do it once or twice, you
know that should be enough tolook back and look at it and be
like, ooh, I look goofy, I soundgoofy or whatever.
But when you do it multipletimes now, I'm like concerned,
like what's the issue?
(03:01):
So, just to be you know Frank,like there's a girl that I
follow on social media and I'vefollowed her for some time on
you know Facebook and she goeslive a lot with drama surrounded
around her baby dad and theirrelationship and then his
relationship with another younglady and it's just like at first
(03:24):
it was like okay, she's upset,she's in her emotions, she's
probably, you know, a scornedwoman.
But then it's like okay, likeenough is enough, like this is
the things that you're saying.
It just sounds crazy.
You're saying you know, the mandoesn't do for your kid and
this is not.
(03:44):
He's not even being the fatherthat he needs to be.
He wasn't the greatest man wheny'all was together.
So why are you taking the timeand the effort to go on the
internet to display this to?
Probably 80% of the people inthere don't really know you
personally, don't care about youpersonally, don't care to lift
you up or care about youremotions.
(04:04):
They're just there to look atthe drama and like what type of
relief?
I kind of just want tounderstand, like what type of
relief is it providing like?
is it really providing you sometype of relief?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
because it makes me wonder if people like this, do
you not have friends that youcan vent to?
Is it because you're not likingthe response that you're
getting from your family andfriends that are hearing the
story firsthand or witnessing it?
Do you not like their response?
So you feel like let me go onthe internet and get other
people's response, Like I'mconfused.
And then they don't realize howfoolish it makes you.
(04:37):
Look, you're on live running itdown about a baby, dad, a
boyfriend or whoever that you'remad at, and this is what he's
been doing.
But you sound foolish Becausewhy are you dad, a boyfriend or
whoever that you're mad at, andthis is what he's been doing and
this, but you're?
You sound foolish because whyare you accepting that?
Speaker 1 (04:47):
correct and then getting on here and telling the
world.
And you know, the crazy thingabout it is people will say all
the time, because my thing islike to like your kids, like
your kids in futurerelationships correct if they're
seeing you and hearing you dothese things and act like this?
what type of example are youshowing your kids if future
relationships correct?
If they're seeing you andhearing you do these things and
act like this, what type ofexample are you showing your
(05:08):
kids that that's okay becauseyou can't control your emotions
to go and react this way, or youknow I?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
wonder all the time like how it affects people with
in their dating situations.
Because first thing I know I doand I'm sure anybody do
whenever you start talking tosomebody or something or you
meet somebody, first thing I'mdoing is looking up their social
media how you gonna meet a newman and he see you running it
down like this about your kid'sdad yeah, and it just I don't
(05:36):
think it's healthy.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
But you know, hey, I could be wrong talk to a
therapist.
I just want to understand whatis the outcome that you're
getting of this.
Sometimes it's okay.
I feel like we, as human beings, we have to normalize, being
able to, you know, feel ouremotions, sit in our emotions,
reflect on our emotions, talkabout it and then come back to
(05:58):
it and sometimes, once you doall the other steps, sometimes
you don't even need to revisitit and the conversation doesn't
even need to be had, because nowyou're like okay, I understand
where I went wrong, or Iunderstand what I could have did
different or what I can domoving forward to avoid this
type of hurt or pain orconfusion or whatever, and now I
(06:19):
can move on with my life.
You get what I'm saying and Ifeel like that in my life too.
I can't.
I can't think of multiple timeswhere I have been in situations
or done things and I'm likelater on, like, oh, you know
what I'm saying, I could havedid this, or I wish I would have
said that it wasn't even thatserious you know what I'm saying
(06:41):
, but sometimes you react sofast or you do certain things
out of emotion.
You can't come back from that,regardless of how much
self-reflecting andself-awareness you got in the
house.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Because sometimes you done did so much damage.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
There ain't no repair to it.
You get what I'm saying, so youjust got to take it and you
just got to move on with that.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
But I just like I'm like See, you're that person for
me.
I don't have to go on live andspew it all out, because I
caught you and you just stoppedme from making some terrible
decisions, and you know what.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
It's so crazy?
Because people kill me with the.
I don't care what people thinkabout me, everybody cares.
If you didn't care about whatpeople think about you, half the
things that you did you wouldnot do.
You would not get up out of thebed and take that extra 30
minutes in the mirror to makesure your edges is laid.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
You would not put on them lashes so you don't believe
that people do that to makethemselves?
Speaker 1 (07:37):
I do think that people do that to make
themselves look good, but I alsothink that people think about
what other people don't think aswell, because how many times
have you been somewhere andsomebody came to you and was
like oh, don't mind me, I know Ilook a mess.
You get what I'm saying.
That's a sign of care.
You wouldn't even havementioned it to them Because
you're in your mind, or if it'sin your, you know what I'm
(08:01):
trying to say.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I'm trying to help you and I'm trying to say I'm
trying to help you and I'mtrying to pull it from you
because I'm trying back in themind yeah, like, what is it
called?
Speaker 1 (08:11):
what's the name?
Conscious, that's not.
You know what I'm trying to say.
Got you.
Y'all know what I'm trying tosay subconscious teamwork y'all,
that's what I'm saying.
Subconscious, damn, she can helpme down a bit, like over, like,
(08:32):
uh, if y'all can see me overhere, like help me out here,
cause god damn, yeah, yoursubconscious, you either see
your subconscious or not.
You you think that you said it.
You know what I'm saying.
So sometimes we don't even knowwhat we're thinking until we
say something or do something acertain way.
But everybody cares, even ifit's just a little bit what
(08:52):
somebody else thinks.
I don't give a damn and I'mjust.
That's just a part again ofbeing a human.
That is just a part of it.
You know what I'm saying.
Some people care a little lessbecause they are a little bit
more confident.
Some people care less becausethey pray about it.
Lord, please you know, I know Ido, I pray Lord, please remove
any type of self-doubt, any typeof insecurities or any type of
(09:17):
worries, like I pray that off ofme.
You know what I'm saying.
But some people that it comesnatural to them.
But, like I said, everybodycares just a little bit.
So when I say that, I say whenpeople get on you know social
media and people do be trying tohelp them out or say something
like hey, maybe you shouldn't dothis on live or get off live,
because I've seen those commentsunder people's lives like get
(09:39):
off live like put your phonedown baby just take some time to
yourself.
you're not emotionally stablestable Right now.
Just take some time.
We understand you hurt, butjust don't do this.
Don't do this.
You're going to regret it andpeople get offended and they get
defensive.
I don't give a damn.
Get off my life.
I don't care what y'all think.
I don't care what nobody think.
I'm getting my point across.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
So who you need to get across to?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
You're not thinking about what you're saying Cause,
if you are, it makes no damnsense.
Nine Like it, just it's notmaking no type of sense.
You get what I'm saying.
Then you talking basically toyourself, you talking to people,
but at the same time somepeople ain't responding.
So you really just sayingthings to you know to the
screens.
You talking to your phone.
(10:21):
You know to the screen, you'retalking to your phone, you know
what I'm saying.
So it's like you're not gettingthat feedback or you're not
getting any type of productive.
You know, conversation going, soit's really like you know what
I'm saying and then you deleteit later.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
So you do care, correct, you did look at it and
say you were just in the heat ofthe moment and you were mad and
went on and vented that is notwhere you're supposed to vent.
Correct social media is not theplace to vent.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
so regardless embarrassing that's, I'll say
all that to say sometimes thingsare better talked about and
said and past tense, and whatthat means is that it's okay to
go through things in real timebut react later or discuss it
later.
There's so much wisdom and somuch understanding that comes
(11:10):
later.
You get what I'm saying andthat's what people mean by
hindsight is 20-20.
In the moment you don't seethings for the full scope of
what it is, but after you'vehealed and after you've
reflected and after you'vetalked about it and after you've
cried and screamed and prayed,then you have more clarity, you
(11:31):
have more understanding and nowyou're able to move forward.
That's a word, amen, okay, butyes.
So to get into the main topicof today me and Cuz was talking
the other day because we do weget in our deep conversations.
We talk a lot about our livesand God.
(12:02):
If you are a God, you knowfeeling person, if you're living
a faith-based life, um, I thinkit's fair to say that the end
goal is to salvation, um, and weall know that you know, if
you've read the Bible, that youknow what that means is that you
make it into eternal life withthe Lord and you get your final
(12:24):
job well done.
And I thought that would begood to talk on today.
And I think it kind of just goesinto the WTH moment too,
because, um, myself have been insituations and I've made
decisions in the moment withouttaking the time to reflect or
(12:44):
pray on it and consult with theLord first.
And now I'm looking back like,wow, probably should have made
that decision, probably shouldhave made that call, didn't
consult with the Lord on thatone, and I'm looking at the
outcome of those decisions andthose things.
And then it may.
It brings concern and worry tome, because then I start to
(13:05):
worry.
Well, lord, I want to make surethat I get my job well done,
right you know, because I don'twant to do all of this just to
be turned away.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
That'll be the worst thing to get to those gates and
god say I don't know who are youwhat?
Speaker 1 (13:19):
what are you saying?
Baby boy?
he said I don't want to get tohim and what he said.
What he said turn your assaround.
So you know, that's how it issaid.
I don't want to get to him andit'll be what he said turn your
ass around.
You know, that's how it is.
Like you don't, at some pointin life, you, you start thinking
about that and I know well, forme that's, you know, true, and
I always, you know, think aboutthat.
I'm like lord, but you know, inthe moment I'm not necessarily
(13:41):
thinking about it, but then,after the fact, I'm like wow,
you know what I'm saying.
And so with that, you know,I've just been thinking like,
okay, well, every good thingthat I do, or good deed that I
do may not be a God deed or aGod thing, or you know what I'm
(14:04):
saying sometimes we think youknow we might be helping a
situation or helping a person.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Maybe God don't want us to be helping that person or
the situation, maybe he needsthem to feel what they're going
through.
And here you come, intruding,doing what you think is best for
somebody else, and really it'sinterfering with God's plan,
interfering with God's plan.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
And so then you look back and you're like well damn,
how much help did I do?
Because that person ain't evenreally much better off than
where they was when I helpedthem, you know.
And so then that's when thereflection comes in and it's
like oh lord, what I done didyou know exactly and so you know
a couple episodes.
We talked a couple episodes ago.
(14:44):
We talked about, um, you know,similar to this on the Can I
Vent and in that moment I wasgoing through something and I
was like stuck in between a rockand a hard place with decision
making and y'all I was tellingbecause, like, I feel like I
have been as transparent withthe podcast.
So today, guys, I'm going toopen up a little bit more and,
(15:04):
you know, go more detail becauseI felt like I have been as
transparent with the podcast.
So today, guys, I'm going toopen up a little bit more and,
you know, go more detail,because I felt like I was very
vague.
You know before, but before Ihave talked about before on the
podcast, how I grew up with twodrug and alcohol addicted
parents.
Most of my life, majority of mylife, all of my childhood,
really, um, yeah, my dad gotclean.
(15:26):
I was already grown at the time, um, so, yeah, my dad got clean
and gave his life to Christ,maybe about 10, uh, 10, 12 years
ago or whatnot.
So, yeah, pretty much all of mychildhood, my parents have
struggled with their own demonsand, um, it was very rough for
me growing up.
You know, pillar to post andhere living here I've lived,
(15:48):
moved around a lot, lived with alot of different family members
and never necessarily felt likeI was, you know, stable or
where I was supposed to be.
I never just was 100%comfortable with you know with
my life in that, in that time,you know, but I just kind of was
(16:13):
just going with the flow andjust going with the motion of
life.
Honestly, um, when I look back,that's kind of how I feel like
I feel like I was a numb, a lot.
I feel like I was kind of likein a fog.
I feel like when I look back atmy life in the movie it would be
like in slow motion.
It seemed like like things werejust going probably really fast
(16:33):
.
But to me it was like slowmotion, like watching something
in slow motion, and so, um, alot of things were just
uncertain for me growing up,like, um, just who I was
supposed to be and how my lifewas supposed to be.
And if you know, this wasreally just my life.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
You know what I'm saying and you know I just
doubted a lot of things and Ijust didn't did you ever feel
like I know you said you didn'treally feel comfortable did you
ever feel like not wanted?
Speaker 1 (17:02):
oh, for sure, I felt.
I don't know I don't know ifit's not wanted, but I felt not
worthy, like I wasn't worth.
You know, I felt like myparents wanted me in a sense,
but I felt like I wasn't worthyof having good parents or stable
(17:23):
parents.
I wasn't worthy of havingcomfort.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
I wasn't worthy of having stability, because or
having parents that madesacrifices for you and went out
their way for you Correct,Correct, Correct.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
So I felt, like you know, I just didn't feel worthy
in that time of my life and itwas a struggle.
It was a struggle.
I mean.
It took a lot of therapy and alot of stuff for me to work
through and I'm still workingthrough it.
I mean it's a lifelong journey.
It's a lot of years ofdysfunction and things like that
you know.
So, yeah, of course you know,but I got older, you know.
(18:02):
I got through life, Thank God,and you excelled a lot For you
to have you know went througheverything that you went through
.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Like anybody who didn't know what you were going
through.
I mean, you always had a smile.
You're always into sports, youknow, always into activities,
always laughing.
Smile, you're always intosports, you know, always into
activities, always laughing.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, and you know and that when I reflect, I think
like that was just God.
You know, that was just the guyin me at that time and I wasn't
even necessarily in covenantwith God.
I wasn't in relationship withGod at that time.
I wasn't really praying as likeas much or really.
Where there wasn't any faithbehind my prayer is what I'll
say.
Um, but you know, I just wasjust going through life and I
(18:39):
just knew what I wanted to be asa person, so that I just kind
of held on to that.
But a lot of people that knowme, they say like, if you know,
when I let them in on a littlebit of my life or whatever
they're like no, there's no wayyou've been there.
There's no way you come fromthat Like there's no way.
You come from that like there'sno way you know.
I'm saying you are who you areand you've been through these
(19:00):
things.
Like they just can't believe itand um, and that I don't talk
about it, or that it doesn'tshow, or like you know as much
as we are.
Speaker 2 (19:09):
So the opposite when it comes to that, because I talk
shit about it every chance.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
I get.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
You did Every chance I get.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
And you know I just what I learned that you know I
had to really work through andunderstand that.
That does not define me.
Those things that I've beenthrough, the traumas that I've
experienced, those things do notdefine me.
Those are things that I wentthrough but those are not me.
You know that's not who I amRight, you know I am worthy, I'm
(19:42):
worthy of love, I'm worthy ofprotection, I'm worthy of
consistency, I'm worthy ofstability, I'm worthy for
somebody to show up for me.
You know I am and I am love andI know how to love.
You know what I'm saying and Ifeel like it took a lot of me,
you know doing that work to getthere.
But it was a struggle.
(20:03):
You know what I'm saying.
But I felt like, once again, Ididn't know how to talk about it
and really I wasn't.
I didn't really know thesethings yet.
I didn't really understandthese things yet.
So that's why I say it kind ofgoes hand in hand with the WCH
moment, because it's like now.
It's like now, years later, nowthat I've done the healing,
I've done the work, I feel moreconfident to talk about it.
(20:27):
Yeah, as to then and the hurtand the pain, and just being
like Because you owe that toyourself and to your kids too.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Yeah, because I feel like my kids need to understand
why I am the way that I amcorrect.
So I need to explain, you know,my life, my childhood, what
I've been through, what I'veexperienced.
So then you know, they can giveme a little grace sometimes or,
you know, talk to me maybeabout ways to, you know,
navigate things in a better way,and stuff like that yeah, and
it's not to shame anybody.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
You know that was another thing I had to worry I
always worried about too.
It's like I don't want myparents or people who have done
me wrong or anything, Like Idon't want to shame them because
that's not my job, cause you'reso crazy.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
I want to shame them.
I do.
I'm okay with it, because youshouldn't have did it.
You shouldn't have said it.
Yeah, that's how I feel, no.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
And that's why I'm okay, we get it off my chest and
um.
But I had to realize that too,I, and I felt like the lord was
telling me that, like you, don'towe it to nobody to, to holding
your truth.
And your, you know your story,like you know what I'm saying
because I know my heart.
I am, I'm, I don't, I don'thave to shame you, you're gonna
yeah, I see that you're wearingthat.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
I don't have to put that.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
You're going to shame yourself.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I see that you're wearing that.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
I don't have to put that on you Because you know,
like I know what it was.
You get what I'm saying.
But you know, sometimes, likeyou know how and I've heard this
from people before like youknow people who feel like their
(21:59):
parents are delusional or theysay you know, because a lot of
times parents don't realize thatwe did see and hear or they'll
create knowledge, thealternative, uh, you know
situation, or their alternativetruth, like what they, what,
their perspective?
Speaker 2 (22:05):
yeah, what happened, yeah, yeah and so you know,
that's why I gotta add my littleextra razzle dazzle of shame,
just in case you know we don'tplay delusional.
Speaker 1 (22:13):
So then maybe they're not shaming themselves and I
thank god for my um sense ofdiscernment, though, because I
remember having a conversationwith my dad about some of the
things that I experienced whilein his care and, um, he told me
that he did not know, he wasn'taware, but I didn't have to say,
and because, in my my spirit, Iknew that you did and that I, I
(22:35):
know that you know there.
There's no way you and I knowthat you know, there's no way
you didn't know.
If you know what I mean.
But I don't have to say that toyou because I feel it, I feel
it in my spirit, that you know,but you have to tell yourself
you didn't know, because itmakes it better for you, because
you didn't protect me in theway that you were supposed to
(22:56):
protect me and now you have tolive with that.
You were supposed to protect meand now you have to live with
that because I have to live withthe traumas and now you're
aware of those traumas and howthey affect me.
So you have to tell yourselfthat you didn't know, you
weren't aware, and I'll let youhave that.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
I won't.
I need an apology.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
I need a heartfelt apology.
Speaker 2 (23:17):
I need you to say okay, that happened and I'm
sorry.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
No, there was definitely apologies.
I won't take that from them.
There was definitely apologiesand I appreciate it.
Apologies definitely help.
You know what I'm saying, but Ifeel as though the forgiveness
was there before the apology.
So I don't feel like it reallydid much for me in a sense of
(23:43):
like.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
So you truthfully, feel like you can forgive your
parents for something thatthey're not even admitting to.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Yes, because that was my heart with my issue, like
with my mom, like I can't evenforgive you because you're
acting like you don't know whatI'm talking about I feel as
though, um, once again, I justhave to give the credit to the
lord, because I feel like Iforgave my parents and it was
kind of like an automatic thing.
I feel like there are timeswhere I do find myself having to
(24:14):
re-forgive them Re-forgive okay, because they will do or say
something that triggerssomething from the past.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
But or something that I feel like I told you that
this hurts me or this makes mefeel this way and you're
displaying this behavior.
So now I find myself having towork through that because I
don't want to get angry or Idon't want to have that
resentment there.
But yeah, I do find myselfhaving to work through that
because I don't want to getangry or I don't want to have
that resentment there.
Um, but yeah, I do find myself.
I feel I definitely haveforgave my parents.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
Did you forgive your parents?
Like, do you feel like when youwere a kid, like you already
knew, you forgave when you werea kid?
Are we talking like when yougot older and then had kids and
kind of like, what point do youfeel like you forgave them?
Speaker 1 (24:55):
I feel like I forgave them, um, in the moment.
Um, because, though I felt, um,unworthy and, like I said, I
felt a lot of things, there wasone thing, there was one thing
that I held on to just a littlebit was like hope that things
would change, yeah, so, for me,that's where I feel like the
(25:20):
forgiveness was, because I feltlike I never shut the door on
them completely, like I alwaysleft a window for them, even if
it was just cracked, for them tolike change and be better and
like be the parents that Iwanted them to be or the parents
that I felt like I deserved.
I think the true forgiveness oracceptance, I would say came
(25:50):
when I learned that they onlycan be who they are.
So, though, I hold out hopethat they will be who I want
them to be, or who I need themto be, to show up for me.
They may never be those people,and that's where I feel like
the resentment is going toalways stay and you can't truly
forgive them, because you'reholding an expectation to
(26:12):
someone who's just not capableof meeting that expectation,
someone who's just not capableof meeting that expectation.
So, though, my father is cleanand he's giving his life to
christ and I'm so thankful to beable to witness that miracle.
Um, I would say that I haveaccepted that he still has not
and will not be who I need himto be.
(26:34):
For me as a father, if thatmakes sense, and same for my mom
, and though she's still workingthrough things, it's just like
I have learned that and I thinkthat that was really important
for me moving forward to startnew relationships, because if
I'm holding these people who'vebeen a part of my life, who's
(26:56):
hurt me for so many years, toexpectations, I'm doing the same
thing to the people that'scoming into my life.
I'm holding them toexpectations, you know right out
the gate, and I'm that settingthat relationship up for failure
.
Because, once again, I can'thold you to be somebody.
I can tell you what I expect,right, and I can tell you what
I'm looking for, but I can't belike if you don't do it, you
(27:19):
know, whatever, whatever, likethat doesn't make you a bad
person.
It just means that maybe we'renot meant to be in a
relationship, we're not meant tobe in connection, or whatever
the case may be, if that makessense.
You know what I'm saying, but Ithink that that was a very
important lesson for me to learnwith that, and so I think that
(27:44):
that's where, more so, theforgiveness came from with.
In my childhood, it was likeyou know that hope like OK, yeah
, there's a lot of brokenpromises, there's a lot of lies,
there's a lot, so you stillhave expectations of your
parents.
No, and that's what I'm saying,like, the expectations are no
longer there.
I, the acceptance and the true,true forgiveness, came in,
accepting that, okay, these are,these are who, the people that
(28:05):
they are, and now I have todecide how I want to deal with
them, how much access I wantthem to have to my life and now
those are the decisions I'mmaking.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
Now you get what I'm saying because now I've worked
so that, and so, since you knowyou do, both of your parents you
know, praise God are stillalive.
So do you feel like, since theyare your parents, do you not
just feel like theyautomatically deserve access to
you and your kids?
You know their grandkids.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, correct?
No, I don't, I don't, andthat's what I have struggled
with too, you know, and that'swhy you know, therapy and
talking about things andreflecting is important, because
a lot of the decisions I madenow that I thought were God
decisions were just gooddecisions.
It was decisions that I thoughtwere good on the strength that
(28:52):
this is my mom, this is my dad,this is what I'm supposed to do,
this is how you know, and sothat was the expectation, and
God's going to be proud of mefor that, because what I'm
honoring my parents in my mind,that's what I'm doing.
So, you know, at 18, when mymom's you know long time
boyfriend, she had a stroke, youknow he.
(29:12):
You know she lived with him.
She was, you know, stay at homegirlfriend.
He took everything.
She didn't really have to domuch.
When he got sick and he couldnot take care of himself anymore
, he had to go away and, youknow, live in a facility.
Then here I am, you know, 18, 19teen mom, fresh out of high
school, taking in my mom youknow what I'm saying and I'm
(29:33):
like, okay, this is anopportunity for us to rebuild
and reconnect and she can helpme with my son he's, you know
they can build theirrelationship or whatever,
whatever.
But in that, you know she'sstill struggling with her, you
know, with her demons and herstruggles, and I'm trying to
figure out life as an adult andas a mom, and you know what I'm
(29:54):
saying and little to no guidance, you know, and it just became
like I started to do things andfeel like I'm doing things out
of obligation to you know, mymom, and so years and years go
on and I'm doing this and,granted, my mom has nine kids
I'm not the oldest and at timesI wasn't the most stable or I
(30:16):
wasn't the most.
You know what I'm saying.
My life wasn't the most stableor I wasn't the most.
You know what I'm saying.
My life wasn't the most puttogether, but I would not.
You know, I wasn't giving upthat responsibility because I'm
like this is my mom.
You know what I'm saying and Iowe her that.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm honoring my mom.
The Lord is going to give me myjob.
Well done, because regardless ofwhat I went through as a kid,
(30:37):
I'm still showing up and I'mstill being this person and and
even though it's weighing on meand mentally I'm not good and
emotionally I'm not good.
I'm still, you know, standingin and feeling what I'm, the
role I'm supposed to feel.
You know what I'm saying andnot understanding the toll it
(30:59):
was taking on me until it justgot so built up.
You get what I'm saying and soyou know.
Now we're 10, 12 years laterand I had to make the decision
that I can't do this anymore.
You know I can't do thisanymore.
I feel like you know thedecisions I'm making.
I'm not really consulting withthe Lord in these decisions.
(31:21):
I'm doing things out of feelingobligated.
I've become a people pleaser.
I've become, you know, took onthis savior complex like I can't
save everybody, and I'mlearning that, though I can help
here and there, every time Ithink I'm helping I might be
hindering, I might be enabling,I don't know, and that, though I
can help here and there, everytime I think I'm helping I might
be hindering, I might beenabling, I don't know.
(31:43):
And that's why I need to take astep back and consult in the
Lord and my decisions more.
And now I'm looking at my tallymarks that I'm thinking I'm
doing good and I'm thinking I'mup in the game.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm up in the game.
But then I'm saying I'm up inthe game, but then I'm like,
(32:05):
well, maybe none of that shiteven matters, maybe that don't
even count, no more, becausewhatever lesson he was trying to
give in that season, did Iinterfere with that?
Did I?
You know what I'm saying?
Did I stop whatever he wastrying to do in that moment
because I thought that I wasdoing the right thing?
you know what I'm saying maybethat was finally the opportunity
for your mom to experience adifferent type of rock bottom,
to where now she's in asituation, to where nobody can
(32:28):
take care of her and she has tofigure that out herself you know
, like you might have interferedwith that, but you know you
love your mom, of course, andyou want to try to help yeah,
for sure, and that's what I'mlearning now is like even you
know, too with your mom, ofcourse, and you want to try to
help yeah, for sure, and that'swhat I'm and that's what I'm
learning now is like even youknow, too with my dad.
There's a lot of things that Ifeel like you know, especially
just out of excitement of likehim, changing his life around
(32:51):
and just wanting to support himand show him like I'm so proud
of you.
I'm happy for you and you knowall of those things.
Um, you know, even when heasked the things of me, I didn't
really think about it, or Ijust kind of felt like you know,
oh, I got to do this, or like Ihave to.
You know what I'm saying, andit's just like, like, really
(33:13):
like now I don't know what'swhat I'm supposed to to be doing
, because here I am just makingthese decisions based off of
what I think I'm supposed to do,but I'm not really sure, and
then I feel like I don't evenhave the time to really think
about it and like did you feellike like you didn't want to
disappoint them by saying no tocertain things, or you didn't
want to say like okay.
(33:35):
And not even necessarilydisappoint, but it's like, um,
you know, I feel like with mydad.
I feel like he has you know, hestruggles sometimes with his
delivery, okay and I feel likehe has a lot of.
My dad has like a superiorcomplex, like I feel like he's
(33:55):
always had that and he has a wayof like, like, manipulating,
like you know what I'm sayingmanipulating you to feel like or
for me how I feel like like yes, like I was obligated to do
these things and I feel likeboth my parents, in a way, kind
(34:16):
of did that to me.
You know my mom more in a gentleway, because she's not like
that, you know, my mom's notlike straightforward with it,
but then my dad is like morelike straightforward with it and
I just kind of yeah, just feltobligated.
You know what I'm saying andI'm just, like you know, after
the fact, like ugh, like this isjust too much.
Like After the fact, like, oh,like this is just too much, like
(34:37):
I don't, you know, like whatyou know, but then if I don't do
it, then what Like or am I?
You know what I'm saying, but Iam in a place where I'm
learning too and I feel like theLord is delivering me to a
season where it's like an Ichoose me season, if and like I
(35:04):
talked about before, in that youknow, can I vent, vent I feel
like, like I said, I was veryvague so people probably didn't
understand what I meant, butlike what I was saying was that
now that I'm making thedecisions and I'm getting
gaining clarity from the Lordand I'm feeling like, okay, me
no longer taking on theresponsibility of my mom or me
no longer doing the x, y and zfor my dad.
If that means that there's issueor there's distance between us,
I'm okay with that.
I'm accepting that.
So weird.
(35:24):
I'm accepting that.
I'm not going to, I'm not goingto carry that guilt.
I'm not going to allow nobodyto make, let put that guilt on
me, put that, just that weightof like, oh, I'm not a good
daughter or just like whateverthose insecurities.
I'm not doing that.
I'm, I'm making those decisionsand I'm moving forward.
(35:44):
I don't if that means that therelationship is severed or
there's distance or the accessis is is very limited, then I'm
okay with that because, onceagain, I have to understand that
they can only be who they areand if these are, these are the
things that they do or these arethe traits that they can only
be who they are.
And if these are, these are thethings that they do or these
are the traits that they carryand this is who they are.
Okay, I accept that.
(36:05):
I still love you.
There's no love lost.
However, in order to protect meand my peace and then my mental
health, then that means thatokay, well, things have to be
limited.
Speaker 2 (36:16):
Now, things have to be limited now it is so
fascinating to me how we couldbe so close and just hearing how
different you handle stuff,which it just makes me look back
at how I do things, because mysituation wasn't quite like
yours, but I definitely hadissues with my mom in particular
(36:38):
.
But I handle stuff like notgentle like you, like I never
felt like I don't owe you shit,like the fact that I'm not a
street walker on sullivan avenueright now like you're lucky.
You're lucky, yeah, you knowwhat I mean.
And so I remember when my momhad to come back to live with me
, for and it was veryshort-lived your mom came back
(36:59):
and stayed with you for, wouldyou say, 12 years.
Yeah, it was about my mom hadto come back to live with me,
for and it was very short livedyour mom came back and stayed
with you for, would you say, 12years?
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Yeah, it was about all of three months, couldn't
wait.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
Came to the door talking my shit you know what I
mean and you couldn't handlethat.
And then you left and fell someway, and you know it.
Even thinking back, it's like Ihad to live whole childhood
feeling like I was very unwanted.
Feeling, uh, like not apriority.
Yeah, um, feeling like you knowmen were more important than
(37:26):
your kids were.
You know, just feeling how Ifelt I lived uncomfortably my
whole childhood.
Okay, and you come into myhouse and you can't even live
uncomfortably for three monthsyou know what?
I, I mean yeah, and so I thinkthat you know you still have
like a lot of care for yourparents.
I just don't give a fuck, likeI just did not.
No care, I feel like you didn'tcare about me, so I don't care
(37:50):
about you.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, is that?
Speaker 1 (37:53):
wrong and I feel like you know, I think that you're
not quite in a place of likefull forgiveness in a sense,
Because it sounds like you know.
You're definitely entitled tofeel your emotions but, like you
said, it's like you didn't dothis for me or you didn't show
up for me this way.
So I'm not obligated to show upfor you and that's true, but it
(38:15):
should be I'm not obligated toshow up for you like that,
because I'm just not obligated,regardless of what you did, I'm
just not obligated becausethat's not my job as a child.
You know, I love you, I respectyou and, like you said that,
you know that's my job, you knowwhat I'm saying.
I love you, I respect you, youknow what I'm saying.
If there's a relationship there,you know whatever, but you know
(38:37):
, at the end of the day, for meit was like that was one thing I
always worked towards too withmy forgiveness was like, okay,
yeah, you guys did do this to meand though y'all don't deserve,
you know half of what I'mgiving, once again, that was
still me holding on to that hope, like, okay, they didn't show
(38:58):
up for me and the way that Ineeded them to show up for me,
but maybe if I can show up thisway, maybe they'll meet me
halfway, maybe they'll, maybethey'll be like, oh wow, you
know, and maybe it would givethem more, you know, like they
would give them more of to putmore effort.
(39:19):
It would give them a, like thaturge to put more of an effort
to show up a certain way.
Speaker 2 (39:23):
I think the biggest difference with our situations
is because you sound like youhad more hope than I did, right,
yeah, and I feel like a lot ofissue, a lot of the issues with
your parents were, you know, yousaid yes, substance abuse and
things like that, and thatwasn't an issue in my life, so I
think that's why it makes meeven more disappointed.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
Okay, like I low-key.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
Wish I could say that I was raised how I was, because
this isn't, this can't be, whomy mom is.
Something is consuming her.
This is not her personality,but no very sober, very sober.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
So you're saying that you wish there was something
that I could justify the actionseven though nothing justifies
it because even still you knowit's still a choice, because you
always have the hope that, yeah, they'll get clean.
No, I get what you're sayingthat and for me it was just you
know, this was your this wasyour choice and you stood on
(40:19):
your choice and that was whatwas more important.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
You know what I mean and so for the rest of my life.
That's how I'm going to feel,yeah yeah, no, that's definitely
.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
And now you know you say that and I get it, you know
from, and I know that's a fuckedup thing to say like I wish
that I could.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
I wish that I could blame, yeah, my childhood on my
parents being, yeah, you know,on something I wish I had that
excuse.
Like I wish I had that excusebecause it's even more hurtful.
Yeah, it's more hurtful to knowlike no, this is just what you
believed and this is who you are.
And those decisions, you stoodon those decisions.
Speaker 1 (40:59):
Yeah, I feel like to you know, though, my parents'
struggles were very apparent.
I feel like what I would say isthat some people they have
different struggles, you knowthey may not be of sound mind.
Some people don't have thestrong mentality or, you know,
(41:21):
um confidence to to withholdcertain things or to stand
against certain things, so theymay allow more things to slip
through the crack or more thingsto pass, and that doesn't.
It doesn't, it's not an excuse,and that's why I am such an
advocate for mental healthawareness and things like that
too, because you, somewhere downthe line, you have to be a
(41:48):
little bit aware of something'snot right, and then, and then,
with that little bit ofawareness, you have to make a
decision to seek the help orseek the treatment, or seek the
change.
And when you don't do that,then that's like okay, I know
that, though you know and you'reaware that there's something
(42:11):
that's not right, you're okaywith it.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
You're okay with it, and it's just so hard and I and
I know it might not be fairbecause parent you know there's
no, everybody knows there's no,you know, rule book to how to be
a good parent and all of thatgood stuff.
But the feeling that I got whenI gave birth to my kids and
(42:37):
just knowing how much I want toprotect them, how much I want to
love them, how much I want toprotect them, how much I want to
love them, how much I want tobe on their side, like it's just
mind boggling that the personwho gave birth to me I felt like
didn't feel like that.
You know, like how important mykids are to me, I did not.
(42:57):
It's mind boggling to reallythink that that person, I wasn't
important to that person.
Speaker 1 (43:02):
Yeah, and that's why I tell my kids a lot of things
that I do.
I do it for you guys.
You know what I'm saying.
A lot of decisions, I make alot of things.
I do these things for you as mykids.
And so, yeah, I do and it hasmade me I feel like a great
mother.
My childhood also, and myexperience with my parents, I
(43:23):
feel like, has also given mesome things that I feel like you
know, I've been working on andpraying about.
As far as, like my, you know,the connection I have with my
kids and how like I don't bewanting them, I have like, and
how I don't be wanting them.
I have separation anxiety withthem because I feel like if I
(43:44):
spend too much time with them, Idon't ever want them to worry
about if I love them or if Idon't want them around, if I'm
not thinking about them.
My son just went away to campfor a week.
With the camp, they don't getto communicate with us the whole
time they're gone.
We can send them little notesand emails on this app, but we
(44:04):
don't get to talk to them, andevery day I made sure I sent the
note or two, even it was justsay I love you, say your night
prayers or whatever.
Like I do that a lot and I feellike sometimes it's overbearing
to my son, especially now thathe's about to be a teenager.
Um, you know, I feel like it'soverbearing to my son,
especially now that he's aboutto be a teenager.
You know, I feel like it'soverbearing to him because
sometimes I get like reallyanxious if I don't get to
contact him.
(44:25):
He's like mom, I'm, you know,I'm here, you know what.
Speaker 2 (44:28):
I'm saying, and that's why it's so important to
talk to your kids about yourexperiences and when you went
through.
So he can have a little moregrace.
Speaker 1 (44:35):
Yeah, give me a little bit more grace but yeah,
you know, so you know, itdefinitely is it definitely
crossed my mind.
Sometimes.
I'm like dang, I wish you knowlike my parents would have
looked at me and kind of foughta little bit harder, or you know
, and it's just like you know, Ijust tried to, you know, think
(44:56):
about it in a different light.
You know like, okay, well, youknow, maybe they don't, they
didn't, it wasn't supposed tochange for me, maybe they were
supposed to change forthemselves.
You know like they were whothey were before they were my
parents.
You get what I'm saying and youknow whatever they witnessed,
whatever they grew up and theirlives were for
(45:16):
me and their own traumas.
Um, so you know, I do give alot of grace there, but, like I
said, um, you know, sometimes weget we get it misconstrued with
giving people grace andforgiving people.
Um, we get it misconstrued withallowing people to misuse us
and, um, we gain that accesskind of prematurely and it's
(45:41):
absolutely okay and I'm speakingto myself when I say this too
Like it's absolutely okay withyou know, standing on your
boundaries and it's absolutelyand being okay, whatever the
outcome be, and it is absolutelyokay for letting people lie in
the bed that they made.
Speaker 2 (45:57):
Yeah, yep, you don't get to just not provide.
You don't get to just notprovide you, don't get to not do
your best Correct by your kidsand then expect that y'all are
going to have this amazingfriendship when your kid is
grown.
You know what I mean.
Like that's not what that means.
Speaker 1 (46:13):
Yeah, like it's okay for you to deal with your
consequences.
Yeah, the relationship is, youknow, molded off of.
You know the history of it, youknow so, no matter how much you
try, it's still rooted in.
You know the hurt and thedisappointment and you know you
(46:37):
can do all the forgiving in theworld, it doesn't erase what
you've been through and I thinkthat it's important to
definitely give yourself gracewith that because, like I said,
a lot of it just came from mejust being so scared of like, oh
, you know, like I don't want tobe a bad daughter, you know,
just because they weren't thebest parents to me doesn't mean
(46:59):
I can't be the best daughter tothem, but also being careful.
What I define as being the bestdaughter.
Speaker 2 (47:04):
Right.
Speaker 1 (47:05):
I pray for my parents every day.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
The fact that you're not a prostitute on the street
is how you're being the bestdaughter.
That's how you, because that'show you're being the best
daughter.
Like I could be really out herebad.
Okay, with the life that yougave me, I could have been out
here bad.
You're welcome for not being aprostitute.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
If you're not a prostitute, you're great, you're
great.
Oh my gosh, she's not lettinggo of that process too many.
But yeah, no, I pray for myparents every day.
I love my parents.
I do try to be there for themand support them as much as
(47:49):
possible, but I do understandthat in a lot of ways I've
enabled my parents.
Speaker 2 (47:57):
In a lot of ways, I've enabled my parents In a lot
of ways, I have allowed them toget comfortable with You've
allowed them the opportunity tocontinue to hurt you.
It's how I look at it as well.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
Yeah.
And to continue to disappointyou in some ways.
Yeah, in some ways, and youknow, and just I feel like
there's not enough gratitudethere, man, if that's the word I
can say yes.
(48:29):
There's not enough gratitude.
I mean, a thank you is nice,I'm not going to lie.
A thank you is nice and I'm not.
If y'all don't take anythingelse, if y'all haven't learned
nothing from me in these pastthree years of the SheBoku
podcast, I am the least like Iam, the easiest person to please
(48:49):
.
I don't require a lot frompeople at all.
I could require much more, butI understand we human beings, so
I don't require a lot.
You know, even when I had myexpectations, they were very,
very like minimal.
I was to say that.
But a thank you is nice, butit's the action behind it.
(49:12):
You can't say thank you for allthe things that you've done, but
I just need one more thing or Ineed another take stuff off of
my plate or thank you, but and Iknow you're going through this,
but I need you to do this and Ineed you like that kind of just
counteracts each other correct,and so you gave me a thank you,
(49:32):
but then hell, no for an extrarazzle, dazzle and so, yeah,
it's just like, it's just a loty'all.
And you know, I just like I saidit's been heavy on my heart and
I just wanted to be open andmore transparent because that is
.
You know what I've been goingthrough and I'm in the season
(49:53):
and I'm claiming it.
You know I'm choosing me.
I'm choosing, you know, to havepeace.
I'm choosing to be happy.
I'm choosing to accept whateverthe outcome is from the
decisions that I make that Ifeel is best for me and my
children moving forward.
(50:13):
And I will never stopresponsibility.
Speaker 2 (50:17):
Your parents don't necessarily have to be your
responsibility, but your kids.
And their childhood experience,like that is our responsibility
, yeah.
Speaker 1 (50:28):
And you know, I want my job well done.
I want to hear job well donefrom the Lord.
And you know, eva, tell me allthe time Because you making it
through them, gates and otherpeople tell me you're such a
great person, you do this, youdo that, but, like I said,
things have to be rooted, andI'm understanding that more.
(50:49):
It just has to be rooted, ithas to be consulted with and it
has to be ordered and ordainedby the Lord to be counted as a
God thing.
So, though, I've done a lot ofgood things as a daughter, as a
cousin, as a friend, as a mother, you know good things are good,
(51:10):
but God things are the end, allbe all and the relationships
that the Lord has, you know,placed amongst my life, even
with my parents.
You know he knew that they wouldbe my parents before.
They knew they would be myparents, before I knew they was
going to be my parents, so thatwas already written.
You get what I'm saying.
Can't change it, can't donothing about it, but move on.
(51:31):
For me, like I said, theexpectations are gone.
You know, my hope now is thateveryone them, myself, my
children that we can all learnfrom the experience, love more
and just grow from it and makebetter decisions, moving forward
(51:53):
my hope would be that y'all canbe better grandparents than you
were parents that's the onlyway to really you know, try to.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
My hope would be that y'all can be better
grandparents than you wereparents.
Yeah.
That's the only way to really,you know, try to I don't know
make up for it.
Speaker 1 (52:09):
Well, I'm so proud of you for you know being
vulnerable and talking aboutthat, yeah.
Speaker 2 (52:12):
Because I mean a lot of people struggle with issues
with their parents, even peoplewho on the outside looking and
we thought, had the bestchildhood, the best life.
They had everything they wantthey you know wanted, let alone
need it, um, and so I think thatyou know that's another reason
why we're called to even do thepodcast like our testimonies,
(52:33):
like there's a lot of power inour testimonies, like we're
showing people that this iswhere we came from and we're
refusing to let it keep us in acertain place.
We still want the best forourselves.
We still have hope forourselves and high expectations
of ourselves.
Speaker 1 (52:53):
Very proud of you.
Speaker 2 (52:54):
We teared up a couple times, y'all, we teared up a
couple times, you proud of me?
Speaker 1 (52:58):
Yeah, I'm proud of me .
Yes, is it?
I'm proud of you.
And you know, just for thosewho listening, you know If you
are A prostitute In the street.
Speaker 2 (53:13):
You are still worthy, you are and you can make it to
the pearly gates.
Speaker 1 (53:17):
You can, it's never too late.
It is not too late to change.
Speaker 2 (53:21):
There's some prostitutes and some of their
parents probably contributed Towhy they became the way they
became.
Speaker 1 (53:28):
But you know God loves us all.
He does absolutely so.
Yeah, I hope y'all Tooksomething from this.
I hope that you guys can, tooAppreciate my vulnerability, my
transparency on this episode.
It wasn't easy.
Yeah, I hope y'all tooksomething from this.
I hope that you guys can, too,appreciate my vulnerability, my
transparency on this episode.
It wasn't easy, but, you know,I felt the Lord with me the
whole way and I do feel likethere could be some takeaway
(53:51):
from it.
And, like I said, eva's alwaysvery open and transparent, as
y'all can see, honey, she don'tbite her tongue, she don't
sugarcoat it, it's just straightforward and I just hope that
you know.
Know, like I said, like withevery segment that we do, we
just pray that you know a touchof someone, that a word was said
, that touch someone that youcan learn from and help in.
You know any way.
And, yeah, y'all.
(54:11):
So let me know what y'all think.
You know y'all like the moretransparent, the more vulnerable
me, the more vulnerable me.
You know what I'm saying and,yeah, I'm going to give it every
time Moving forward.
I'm going to try.
Speaker 2 (54:23):
Cause y'all know I'm emotional honey.
Yeah, that was.
Speaker 1 (54:27):
Yeah, that was a good one, that was good.
Well, until next time, guys,stay bold.
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