November 12, 2023 • 44 mins
A decade can drastically change a life – especially when it's a decade of triumph over addiction. Join me as I celebrate this significant milestone and share the transformation I've gone through these last ten years, from battling alcoholism to becoming a warrior in the Lord’s army. In this Joyful Surrender meeting, I commemorate the miracles, the challenges, and the triumphs that punctuate these past 10 years and give God the glory for every single one.
I share my testimony here with you and the ladies from JS follow it with some Q & A and discussion. It was a beautiful way to celebrate my ten year milestone and I am honored to share it with you.
Love, Sherry
About the She Surrenders Podcast:
On the She Surrenders podcast we are talking about women, faith and addiction all on the same platform. There are many podcasts for women and sobriety, but very few for women seeking information and stories from others about faith-based recovery.
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Find us on Instagram @shesurrenders_sherry, on Facebook @shesurrenderssherry, and online at www.shesurrenders.com.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome back to the she Surrenders podcast.
I'm your host, sherry, and oneach episode we share with you
what happens when you put downyour addictions and pick up the
promises that God has for you ina brand new life of recovery.
I have another great episodefor you today, so let's get
started.
This past week, on November 6th, I celebrated 10 years and I
(00:29):
had no idea, leading up to the10-year mark, how to celebrate
that.
In fact, as it got closer, Iwasn't even sure I wanted to
celebrate it, not because itwasn't we're celebrating that's
not it at all.
It was more of a how do youcommemorate something like that?
(00:52):
I kind of just wanted to bequiet about it, which wasn't
where I thought I'd be with it,but when it came down to it, I
wanted to be where I always wason Monday nights and November
6th happened to be on a Monday,so I got to be with my people.
(01:14):
I had eight o'clock this pastMonday night and share my
testimony, but they're in light.
Another challenge, because Iwrote a book, so my story's
already there.
But the couple days before Iwas to do this, god was really
speaking into me and he wantedto talk to me about who I was
(01:36):
before November 6th, almost likewho I was on November 5th 2013.
So I did a lot of writing and alot of soul searching and this
is where it ended up.
So I recorded the meeting andwasn't sure if I was going to
(01:58):
use it here or not, but afterlistening to it, I decided that
there's no better way to sharewhat God's done, because it's
not what I've done.
It's definitely what God's doneand I consider it nothing short
of a miracle, a miracle that hehas blessed me with and
(02:18):
continues to.
So thanks for being here.
I have to tell you that it'snot a formal speaking engagement
, so there's some interruptions,there's a lot of ohms I might
contradict myself in fact I doand there's some background
noise here and there.
When I compare it to some ofthe recordings I listened to of
(02:40):
other live meetings, it's prettygood, but it's not the usual
she Surrenders podcast.
So if you've ever wondered whata joyful surrender meeting is
like, this is pretty close and Ihope you enjoy it and I hope
you're inspired.
And if you or someone you knowis wrestling with that decision
(03:07):
about whether or not to quitdrinking and how to go about it,
I pray that you pass it onThanks and enjoy listening.
So, first of all, thankseverybody for being here and
giving me the opportunity.
Like I said, this is where Iwanted to be all day.
(03:27):
As I always say to all of you,or to people that are thinking
about joining Joyful Surrender,there is nothing better than
being in the company of thosethat know exactly how you feel,
and while it was kind of a dayof not knowing exactly how I was
supposed to feel, I do know acouple things.
(03:47):
I do know that I'm in thecompany of others that are
celebrating with me and aregrateful with me, and that are
praising God with me, and thatmeans the most to me.
So that's where I started.
(04:07):
So, on November 6, 2013, I choseto surrender, and in my
surrender, I was no longer inthe presence of my enemies.
My weapons were no longer anumbing cocoon that shuts out
the entire world and shielded mefrom realities I didn't want to
endure.
That was the day I learned anew battle cry.
(04:29):
Yes, I had gone from one war toanother, but now I was in the
Lord's army.
My shout of hallelujah was adeclaration that he has already
won the fight, but I mustcontinue to defend it and that
the evil one will never bring meback across those enemy lines
and in this army of angels.
I look around and I look forfamiliar faces.
(04:51):
I'm looking around, I'm lookingfor those who are fighting with
me.
They must be there somewhere,these Christian women going
through the same thing that Idid, and I was hoping to see
many who are familiar with thisfight.
Surely they would know how todefend life without alcohol and
they're going to show me the way.
Where are they, lord, I asked,because I didn't see them.
(05:14):
Then I remembered he had toldme the story about how armies
need to grow and that we willneed each other and that when
women of God fall, we fall hard,but when we get back up, we are
forced to be reckoned with that.
We will encourage each otherwhen the lies of the enemy
(05:36):
whisper in someone's weakeningor we will surround them with
the truth that will set themfree.
The fight is new.
It is no longer againstsomething, it is now for
something, and that is where thebeauty lies.
What have I done to deserve alove like this?
When I write those words, I cryharder than I have in a very
(06:00):
long time.
I feel like I'm pouring out mysoul on the pages and while it's
not new information, I feelit's important to repeat.
It feels amazing to sing hispraises of rescue and put beauty
onto this page of what he'sdone.
I just can't describe it, butyet it's so important.
(06:22):
This 10-year milestone is toglorify him and not me.
It reminds me of the song byTasha Layton Look what you've
done.
There's a verse in it that sayssuddenly all the shame is gone.
I thought I was too broken andnow I see you were breaking new
ground inside of me.
Reflecting back on 10 years, didit really go fast?
(06:43):
I mean, life goes fast and itdid, but when I break it down, I
do see how it ebbed and flowed.
These past 10 years brought themost change in our lives as a
family Many milestones, manychanges and the beauty of it, as
I remember every single one.
(07:04):
So variety is brought soberholidays, milestone birthdays.
My youngest turned 21.
I turned 50.
There were vacations,graduations and we became empty
nesters.
My biggest joys will definitelybe celebrating to milestone
(07:28):
anniversaries of our 30th andour 35th Sober my youngest
daughter's wedding Sober.
I became a grandma three timesSober.
There's also been heartbreak anddevastating loss and I thank
God that the temptation to drinkwas not in my thoughts, instead
(07:50):
replaced with the unselfishdesire to be there for my family
.
I have done more, sober, than Icould ever imagine.
Challenge me on anything that Ithought that I could not do as
a sober person and I will havean answer for you.
There were endless businesstrips, happy hours, all
inclusive vacations, but yet Ifound the sparkle in all of them
(08:11):
that exists when you are soberand feeling amazing and
beautiful places.
I survived and made it to thisplace because the fire inside me
burned brighter than the firearound me.
So why?
What brought me to that place,where I actually needed to
surrender?
Thinking back, when I was achild, I knew that the moment I
(08:34):
heard the words in the songJesus loves me, jesus loves me
this I know, for the Bible tellsme.
So I knew it was true and Ibelieved it.
But somewhere along the way Ibegan to doubt what that love
encompassed.
Maybe I was too deep of athinker growing up, but who says
(08:55):
that?
You know, like I'm too deep ofa thinker for a 10 year old?
You just think everybody isthat way, but I don't believe
that's true.
All kids are different.
I do know a couple things.
I do know that I always cravedmore attention than I was
getting.
Whether I was getting it or not, I always wanted more.
(09:19):
I always wanted to be thepretty one, the smart one, the
funny one.
I always felt like these thingswere just out of my reach.
Growing up, I hung out withpeople that I thought had these
attributes, so they would eitherrub off on me or others would
just assume I had them too, andthat didn't work.
Well, it never does when youput your worth on someone or
(09:42):
something else in this world.
So when I got married, I decidedI would create it the perfect
family, and for a long time itworked.
What that really did was set meup for the perfect storm of
addiction.
On the outside I screamedsuccess at the world, but on the
inside I was dying a slow death.
The discovery that alcoholrevived me more than prayer ever
(10:06):
did is a harsh reality that'shard to even say out loud.
I'd built my life on sand andnot on the rock, just like the
parable in Matthew 7, which saysEveryone who hears these words
of mine and does them will belike a wise man who built his
house on the rock and the rainfell and the floods came and the
(10:26):
winds blew and beat on thathouse, but it did not fall
because it had been founded onthe rock.
And everyone who hears thesewords of mine and does not do
them will be like a foolish manwho built his house on the sand.
And the rain fell and thefloods came and the winds blew
and beat against that house andit fell, and great was the fall
of it.
And that was Matthew 7, 24through 27.
(10:50):
So when the rains came, I had noidea how to stay strong through
any of it, other than to drinkand numb it.
I admit I did know what I wasdoing, but I had a false belief
that I could stop.
When things got better, Ididn't intentionally say, well,
I guess I'm going to be analcoholic, but I did know it was
(11:10):
a dangerous game I was playing,and I played it for about 12
years.
I lost this game every time,and no matter how many times I
lost, it was like a gamblingaddiction.
I went back for more every time, thinking this time I will win.
It will end differently thistime, but, as we all know, it
did not, whether you have beenin the situation or not.
(11:32):
I want you to do something withme.
So everybody, close your eyesand picture yourself standing on
a beach at the edge of thewater and I mean big water, like
the ocean where the waves arecrashing over your feet.
You're not moving, you're notpicking up your feet, but as you
(11:53):
stand there, you know what'shappening.
Right, your feet are sinking asthe water washes over, and not
only that you're getting suckedin deeper and deeper, and with
every fresh wave, it gets harderand harder to get out, and that
is addiction.
It gets harder and harder tofree yourself from the sinking
sand you have built your life on, because you're getting sucked
(12:16):
in more and more every time yougo back.
When he saved me on that day,november 6, 2013, I did not know
the how or the why, but thistime, my suffering, repentance
and also rescue felt different.
My surrender felt different too.
(12:37):
This was real, and I knewwithout a doubt I was never
going back.
However, my fears about whatday, four or five and beyond,
and my usual ramblings of Lordhow will that be different?
What will happen then?
What does forever look like?
I didn't ask any of thosequestions.
There was nothing to figure out, because the only question was
(12:59):
asked by him and it was a simplequestion, and he said do you
trust me?
And I said yes, lord.
And from that moment on I saidyes to everything he asked of me
.
And it wasn't long before Irealized he was asking for more
than what I had thought about.
But instead of becoming fearful, I became determined.
(13:21):
Has everything been a win?
I can honestly say mostly sayyes, even when it's hard, and I
say when, because that justdoesn't mean it turned out the
way I thought it should, but itwas still a win.
So when I'm challenged for whatI say or do, when I have to
defend my integrity and mychoices, those are really dark
(13:44):
days and they can go on if I letthem be.
So I try really hard not to,and I come here for support.
But the good days are sopowerful to.
Whether someone reading a blog,a post on social media, hearing
me speak or listening to apodcast, I've been affirmed
every single time by someonesaid that they heard something
(14:08):
that they needed to hear From myvoice, from God's words through
me, and that means more to methan I could have ever imagined.
That's God and only God, and Ilearned very early on that what
I said was not always going tobe what people would respond to,
(14:29):
but they were still listening.
Comments and likes are sparse,and I'm okay with that because I
know if something helps justone woman from feeling like I
did for over 12 years, for justone more day, I'm doing exactly
what God is asking me to.
Your pain will be your purpose,and I have found mine by taking
(14:54):
that path.
Think of the moment.
Then I sent my manuscript tothe publisher for the last time
and said God, as long as oneperson has led to you from these
words, that's worth it.
That has happened more thanonce and my words have been an
impact over and over.
And when I hear from a reader,I cry every time and again.
(15:16):
I think of the song by TashaLayton Look what You've Done.
And I was going to end here, butwhen I decided that I wanted to
make my testimony lasting andagain not sure where I'm going
to share it I wrote more, and Iwrote this to the woman I was on
(15:41):
November 5, 2013.
And I started writing this afew mornings ago, pretty much
just being obedient, as this isnot my usual journaling routine.
But God right, and I'm struckby how much more I'm willing to
listen rather than needing to beheard or asked questions.
(16:05):
So my prayers used to be whinyplease have saved me, helped me,
rescue me.
But over the last 10 years, myprayers have changed from more
selfish demands that myaddiction be fixed for me and
have turned into show me, lord,show me how this addiction, and
now recovery, fits into yourplan, because surely there's a
plan, lord.
I'm gradually accepting that Iwill not see the entire plan
(16:27):
laid out in front of me, but Iwill see the steps to see it
fulfilled.
So I write this to encourage,not to say look what I did, or
if I did it, so can you?
I wrote this to give hope thatif you believe he can, he will,
that the same God who deliveredme will deliver you.
Let the woman listening to thisthat is thinking and I know
(16:51):
this line of thinking becausethis was me on November 5, 2013.
You have no idea how bad mydrinking is.
I cannot fathom life without it, but yet the thought of staying
here causes me so much grief.
I've talked to God before, butit doesn't help.
That grace that you got is notfor me, and I said you know,
(17:14):
there is nothing too big for God.
There is nothing that will evermake him stop loving you.
If you believe that he can takethis cup from you, he will.
So just ask him who am I in you, lord?
And then you must believe whathe tells you, because you are
not the exception to any rule.
You're not that special, butyou're special to him.
You're worth your identity, whoyou really are, who he created
(17:35):
you to be, is only found in him.
Take your sin, your addiction,lay it at his feet and then look
up, feel the wetness on yourface from his tears.
For you.
He's been loving you throughthe self-imposed prison you have
locked yourself in, and at yourfeet lies the key.
It's always been there, but youthought it had been thrown away
in every hopeless situationresulting from your drinking.
(17:59):
So you pick it up.
You're desperate to accept thefreedom that unlocking the door
will bring you.
And there's no fumbling.
The key slides in the lockeasily and with a quiet click
the door is opened wide enoughfor you to step through.
You've come this far beforeyou've stood in the threshold.
You've talked it over and saidI mean, I can do this, but did
(18:21):
you step all the way through thedoor?
That would be a new step.
Why do you hover on thethreshold every time?
What will it take to walkthrough the other side, where a
new life, free of alcohol anddrugs, awaits you?
You look around and realize thatGod has sent in reinforcements.
There's angels everywhere withthe weapons of beautiful voices
(18:41):
singing his praises andproclaiming victory over sin,
your sin.
Then he offers his hand and itawaits you just through the door
.
And you see, written all overthat hand is your redemption
story.
And then you know he has a planand it's not what you've been
living.
And you know, without a doubt,you cannot win this fight on
your own and you never will.
You have to walk all the waythrough the door, grasp his hand
(19:06):
and shut it behind you, andwhen you do, you feel safe and
love.
Safe enough to throw the keyfar into the fire behind you and
leave the old life behind thiscommunity.
Here you are, my army of angelsthat God has surrounded me with
each other, and you are therefor me, you are there for each
(19:29):
other and we will be there foranyone else as well.
It truly is beautiful to be inthe company of women that love
the Lord and know exactly whatyou are feeling, and that the
struggle to overcome the pain ofaddiction is real, and we can
show you the way.
Whether you reach out here tosomeone else you trust, do not
(19:49):
wait, because life won't.
All the things in life you'vemissed out or numbed will
continue to exist for you thatway, and sadly, it does not get
better.
It doesn't just go away.
It might be controlled for awhile, maybe even go quiet for a
while, but the angry line willcome back with the mighty roar
of destruction of your life,destroying the ones you love
(20:11):
with greater force every time.
You don't have to hit theinfamous rock bottom to quit.
Life will not suck, I promise.
Don't wait, stop drinking andstart living.
If there's one thing that Iwish that I would have done
differently on November 6, 2013was maybe had a 10 year
(20:32):
anniversary then, but that's notthe way it was supposed to work
out.
That was my day one, and I justwent forward from there.
So, whatever day you're on orwhatever day you're
contemplating, or whoeverlistens to this, don't wait.
Like I said, start living.
Life is waiting and it doesn'tinvolve drinking.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
I kind of have a question, sherry.
It's a question and anobservation.
Yes, hopefully, I'm just kindof thinking out loud here but so
many people have to go througha formal program or a rehab, or
maybe they'll find themselves inAA, right, and work through
(21:23):
their way to sobriety, hopefully.
But you didn't, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
Your story is really atestimony to you know, god works
differently in each path.
So for some it's AA, for othersit's an outpatient or inpatient
(21:47):
, maybe several times.
You know.
Look at Matthew Perry.
I mean, I mean, your story isjust such a beautiful way that
God is glorifying himself.
He's glorifying himself throughyour life and your books and I
think you know in AA theyconstantly are encouraging you
(22:11):
to get out of yourself and doacts of service right, and
you're writing as that act ofservice.
And then what you're gettingback from all these women that
read your books and through thisgroup, I think is really the
key to your sobriety.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
I would agree and I've never looked at it that way
before.
So that's a really goodobservation and I've always been
really careful or at least Ilook at it differently, I think,
especially this past year is,you know, is we're opening a
(22:59):
rehab facility?
But I had, I didn't really havean option.
I knew about rehab but therewas not a rehab within reach for
me that was going to dosomething for me, that I knew
(23:22):
that that was going to do thissomething for me that God could
not do.
Does that make sense?
I felt very, very convicted manytimes before that final drink
that God was after me.
I was almost scared, likefreaked out, and I think that
(23:48):
that last day, the surrender and, like I said, it's different
for everybody, but it was almostlike he made the decision
instead of me Obviously mutual,but it's rare that you hear and
there's some of you here thathave had that that it's just
(24:09):
gone.
Is it still?
Is it struggle to learn how tolive differently?
It's just there's challengesthat go along with learning to
live without your copingmechanism, but it was never a
challenge to that.
I was being tempted and I feellike that was as much.
(24:36):
Him saying it's time to getbusy.
I got plans and I had no ideathat any of this was in his plan
none.
I mean, I just wanted to get myhouse cleaned, I just wanted to
get organized.
I just wanted my kids to likeme again.
I mean, my list was so simplecompared to what he had going.
(25:01):
And am I grateful for it?
Yes, I mean, this is my life.
This is a life that I haven'treally chosen, but I'm so glad.
I love my life, I love what Ido.
It's yeah, but in that samevein.
(25:23):
That is why our Salah Houserecovery is not a normal.
It's not a normal recovery andI mean would you expect anything
else from me?
And nothing's normal.
So I mean it's different and Ilook forward to sharing a lot
more of that with you.
But it's kind of the idea ofthe firm belief that fall in
(25:51):
love with Jesus and everythingelse falls into place and
everybody that comes there doesknow Jesus.
I mean they can come if theydon't.
Even if they don't but it'sprobably not gonna have the same
effect for them but to fallback in love with your faith and
what God can do.
And when you believe that, Ibelieve that things start to
(26:18):
happen and combine that with acommunity like this one, because
you come in with a community,there's 12 women that you come
with and there's the same 12women that you leave with, and
that's one of the unique aspectsof our program.
So, yeah, like I said, I lookforward to sharing more of you,
(26:40):
but thank you, karen.
That was a great observation.
You're welcome Anybody else,Michelle.
Speaker 4 (26:47):
Well, sherry, you are .
Speaker 2 (26:50):
I mean.
Speaker 4 (26:51):
you are such an inspiration to all of us in
terms of in terms of when youcan fully surrender and be
obedient and trust God, notknowing what his plans are.
(27:12):
I just it's remarkable how Godhas used you in the past 10
years.
It's amazing.
So, with that being said, Ialso have a question.
I don't know if you're able toanswer it or not, but on
(27:37):
November 5th 2013, did you, deepdown in your soul, know that
God had been working in you andthrough you throughout all of
(27:59):
those years with the struggles?
Did you kind of sort of knowthat you were going to surrender
?
Did you have that feeling inyour gut that I'm done?
I'm done, I'm gonna really I'mgonna give this to God.
(28:20):
I'm done.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
I can answer that and it's probably not the beautiful
God girl answer I would like togive, but I was still in the
place the day before I quit of.
I've got to quit or Craig isgoing to leave me, okay.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
That's where I was Okay.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
And I've got to figure this out.
And I did want to quit.
I wanted to quit for good.
I was still walking aroundgoing God help me, god save me.
I promise it'll be differentthis time.
I was, I was repeating the samething.
I had done that whole time.
I was also mad because, if you,if you read my story, I was
(29:08):
attempting to drink and itwasn't working Right, almost
like I, like my throat was closeto it, hmm, I mean, I, I was
pissed and I was like I get todo this on my terms one last
time and it wasn't working.
I had no.
That's why I was so angry, Iwas so angry, I was so angry, I
was so angry, I was so angry, Ihad no.
(29:30):
That's why, being that out ofof still controlling the
situation and but still knowingit had to end, I was still all
in sherry's, in control.
So when it happened the way itdid, I remember waking up that
(29:51):
morning with an incrediblesadness, like grieving, and I
know now that came from knowingI was going to lose, I wasn't
going to win this one on my own,and I did talk to God about it
that morning and if I read myjournal, it really is all the
(30:14):
same.
Help me God, help me God, helpme God.
And it was that moment on thefloor that I was like whoa, like
something's really reallydifferent.
And I mean Ben Fuller sings thesong God, god, hold me, and it
(30:40):
gives, it sends a chill down myspine every single time because
I know what he's singing aboutand you know, as I relive some
of those moments just throughyour questions, it's so evident
what he was doing.
I had no idea he was going todo anything more than you know.
(31:01):
The first time I spoke to asmall group of women In 2013, I
didn't know what a blog was.
Okay, I don't even know if itwas around.
I think my daughter would.
So she was in college like 2006to 2010.
And somebody told me mydaughter had a blog and I'm like
, oh what.
I honestly had no idea and nointention of starting one Like
(31:25):
people might read it.
You know, first time I hitpublish I was like, and please
God, let no one read it.
But yeah, so that's where I was, not with any different
expectation.
Is that hoping it would workthis time?
Right?
But the minute it did, I knewit was different, 100%.
(31:47):
And that's why I use theanalogy of walking through the
door.
I feel like I was on my kneeson the threshold every single
time and you know, I feel likeyou know.
I used the analogy of you know,when he held out his hand and
(32:11):
my redemption story was writtenon his hand.
But how much are you going tosee that quickly?
If I would have seen everythingthat was going to happen
written on his hand, I probablywould have backed off.
I mean, in all honesty, that'sscary, but I saw enough to know
that he was going to take careof me, and that's all we need.
(32:35):
I mean, there's so much truthto one day at a time, we don't
need to know the big plan.
Speaker 6 (32:43):
Anybody else?
Quick question, jerry when didyou know that it was actually
time to write the book, likewhat led up to that?
Speaker 1 (32:53):
There was a series of events.
So I always wanted to write,just didn't know what to write
about.
Blogging.
I never thought about writing abook.
Blogging definitely startedgetting me hungry to write more.
But I was asked.
I started.
I went the place where we boughtour cottage it's like a
(33:15):
conference center on the groundsand they had a writers
conference.
And that was the first year.
The second year I was sober andI was there like you should go,
and I'm like no, I should.
And I just went and I justlurked.
You would not believe how quietI was.
Like I didn't even talk toanybody, except for one person
(33:39):
that I started a conversationwith and I'm really good friends
with to this day.
And so, what's your story?
I said I don't really have one,I'm just here to just.
He says everybody here is astory, it's Christian Writers
Conference, everything's tragic,everything's got to read.
It ends beautifully you knowwhat's your moment?
I said, well, I was.
(34:02):
I was an alcoholic.
I still am, I always will be,but now I'm not.
And he goes that's boring.
Did you do anything in there toanything different?
And I said, well, I was aChristian.
He said that's still boring,anything else?
I said, I rode my bike fromMichigan to Texas.
(34:23):
Now we've got a story and Isaid, oh, he says work on that,
come back next year.
So that got me thinking and twoyears later I had a book
contract just by going andlearning every year.
But two years later I alsobecame the director of that
Writers Conference and I did notwant that job.
(34:44):
I said yes to be nice, becauseI don't know how to say no, but
I did not want that job.
But I'm so glad I said yesbecause that has created
connections beyond you know, andfriends across the nation.
Just it's been incredible.
So again, god's plan, not mine.
So that's pretty much how thebook came about.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
I thought the visual of walking through the door and
throwing the key behind you intothe fire is just really
powerful.
And when you really close thedoor on it.
And my question is how didbeing vulnerable and honest
(35:31):
change your life when you crossthat line of how has being
vulnerable and honest changed mylife?
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Regarding your drinking?
And yeah, at times it'sinconvenient because I feel like
ever since I I heard JoyceMeyer say once If you have
integrity, put the freaking cardaway in the parking lot.
Ever since I heard that Ialways put the grocery card away
(36:03):
, or I'm like who's watchingright now that I should be doing
the right thing Because I'mvulnerable, because I'm a wide
open book.
I think people are quicker tojudge if you don't do.
(36:24):
Everything.
I mean things that you do orsay can be quickly interpreted
in the wrong direction.
But what it's also done is whenthey are misinterpreted your
actions or your deeds it hurtstwice as much Because it's like
can't you see me for who I am?
No, that's not who I am, and ithurts.
(36:46):
It hurts a lot.
So I think that living in amore vulnerable and wide open
lifestyle it does set you up forthe perfect storm to get hurt a
lot more.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
But at the end of the day, I don't have any regrets.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
I don't have any regret Because I know what
really matters, and I thinkthat's been the biggest shift.
I no longer worry aboutpleasing people, I worry about
pleasing God, and I don't alwaysdo it perfectly, but I try a
lot harder than I used to.
Speaker 7 (37:26):
I was just going to say congratulations and I love
the imagery of standing on thesand looking out into the ocean
when you close your eyes and yousee that division.
I think it's a great comparison, because you're looking at the
(37:47):
beautiful effects of drinking atfirst right, how it makes you
feel and how it's just soromantic, like the ocean is too
but before you know it, you'rebeing overtaken by the power of
the waves and the depth that ithas taken you deeper than you
ever thought it could before.
(38:08):
It was not too powerful or toomuch, so I just think that that
was a great visual to put thetwo together.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
Great, thank you, and I was just thinking when you
were saying it.
They give a little kid at thebeach where it's.
First it's like, oh my gosh,you know, and they love it.
And then all of a sudden thewaves come faster and faster to
them and they're just likepanicking all of a sudden
because they can't get them tostop Right.
No, Tricky.
But thank you, tara so.
Speaker 6 (38:39):
Kristen, congratulations, thank you.
My question was did you, duringthe 10 years, did you ever go
through like a difficult timewhere you were wishing you could
drink or you were like, how amI going to get through this
without drinking?
Speaker 1 (38:59):
No, we did go through .
Well, we went throughStephanie's addiction, which I
didn't want to drink because Iwanted to take care of my
grandsons, because that was myplace, and it never, ever
occurred to me to drink.
It occurred to me.
I just, every day, I just saidthank you, god that I can, that
(39:22):
I can be helpful, thank you thatmy son trusts me and the other.
The first one, though, that wewent through was when our grants
.
So that was six and a half,it'll be seven this July.
Our grandson, otto, was bornwith a severe heart defect, and
I've never been through thatmuch pain in my life and
watching my daughter go throughthat much pain and sick with
(39:46):
worry for almost three months oftouch and go, and I didn't want
to drink, but I did want.
I remember thinking I want tocheck out.
So bad it didn't occur anddrinking wasn't the option.
But I remember thinking I wishI had ambience or something like
I just wanted to sleep, Iwanted to check out, but yet
(40:07):
then I would panic because Ineeded to be available.
What if they call?
What if?
What if the, the alarms go off?
You know so it was always that,but I would have these moments
where I was like I just want tocheck out.
Part of me thinks that's normal.
Yeah, it's not always.
You know the addiction partit's dangerous to as an as an
(40:29):
addict, you do have to keep anextra special eye on it, I think
.
But I mean because I remembermy husband saying to you I just,
I just want the heavy to justbe gone for just a little bit,
because you would wake up andyou go what's wrong?
You knew immediately somethingwas wrong and living like that
(40:50):
was really hard.
But I think what was reallyhard was figuring out how to
live with that, for me at least,because I always made it go
away before it got uncomfortable.
But there's no way I could havebeen the mom that I was through
that for my daughter even andafter he was born and came home
(41:13):
that first year, if I wasdrinking, because, make no
mistake, I would have drank.
Thank you, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 5 (41:28):
I wasn't so much a question.
I just wanted to saycongratulations and a big thank
you, because you put a lot ofblood, sweat and tears into
making sure this group's activeand getting together every week
and it's really wonderful andthey're just really really
aren't spaces like this.
And thank you.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Thank you.
That encourages me, so, and Iwant to encourage every one of
you to use your story or to useyour recovery, even if it's just
here, even if it's where wetalk to each other in the forum
or in a meeting or something'son your heart, share it, make it
a topic, because there's somuch power in sharing our
(42:11):
stories.
God can do anything, and I'mglad that.
I mean, it's always that thingof if you knew me then, but I'm
really glad you did it, becausewe probably, yeah, always that
thing of, yeah, we didn't needto know each other before.
So that's good.
But all right, I'm going toclose the prayer.
(42:33):
Dear Lord and Heavenly Father,thank you so much.
Thank you so much for this timetogether tonight celebrating
what you do, because you do itso well.
I'm full of gratitude and I'mthankful for every year that
(43:01):
brought me closer to you.
I'm further away from the oldlife, and every face on the
screen and every other one thatcouldn't be here tonight, lord,
the gifts that just keep coming,I'm so grateful.
Bless us on our way, lord, andI just pray, lord, that wherever
(43:29):
these women are, in the sameway that I said, where are they,
lord, that you'll bring themhere and we will welcome them
and do whatever you say In yourprecious name.
We pray Amen.
All right, love you guys.
Have a great night Welcome tothe YouTube sharing.
Thank you.
(43:49):
God bless you.
Thank you, and we will see youhere next week on the she
Surrenders podcast.
And if you could take a momentto leave a positive review, no
negative ones, please.
That is how we get the word outof what's happening in faith
needs recovery, and feel free tosubscribe when you're there too
.
See you next week.
Welcome back to the she Surrenders podcast.
I'm your host, sherry, and oneach episode we share with you
what happens when you put downyour addictions and pick up the
promises that God has for you ina brand new life of recovery.
I have another great episodefor you today, so let's get
started.
This past week, on November 6th, I celebrated 10 years and I
(00:29):
had no idea, leading up to the10-year mark, how to celebrate
that.
In fact, as it got closer, Iwasn't even sure I wanted to
celebrate it, not because itwasn't we're celebrating that's
not it at all.
It was more of a how do youcommemorate something like that?
(00:52):
I kind of just wanted to bequiet about it, which wasn't
where I thought I'd be with it,but when it came down to it, I
wanted to be where I always wason Monday nights and November
6th happened to be on a Monday,so I got to be with my people.
(01:14):
I had eight o'clock this pastMonday night and share my
testimony, but they're in light.
Another challenge, because Iwrote a book, so my story's
already there.
But the couple days before Iwas to do this, god was really
speaking into me and he wantedto talk to me about who I was
(01:36):
before November 6th, almost likewho I was on November 5th 2013.
So I did a lot of writing and alot of soul searching and this
is where it ended up.
So I recorded the meeting andwasn't sure if I was going to
(01:58):
use it here or not, but afterlistening to it, I decided that
there's no better way to sharewhat God's done, because it's
not what I've done.
It's definitely what God's doneand I consider it nothing short
of a miracle, a miracle that hehas blessed me with and
(02:18):
continues to.
So thanks for being here.
I have to tell you that it'snot a formal speaking engagement
, so there's some interruptions,there's a lot of ohms I might
contradict myself in fact I doand there's some background
noise here and there.
When I compare it to some ofthe recordings I listened to of
(02:40):
other live meetings, it's prettygood, but it's not the usual
she Surrenders podcast.
So if you've ever wondered whata joyful surrender meeting is
like, this is pretty close and Ihope you enjoy it and I hope
you're inspired.
And if you or someone you knowis wrestling with that decision
(03:07):
about whether or not to quitdrinking and how to go about it,
I pray that you pass it onThanks and enjoy listening.
So, first of all, thankseverybody for being here and
giving me the opportunity.
Like I said, this is where Iwanted to be all day.
(03:27):
As I always say to all of you,or to people that are thinking
about joining Joyful Surrender,there is nothing better than
being in the company of thosethat know exactly how you feel,
and while it was kind of a dayof not knowing exactly how I was
supposed to feel, I do know acouple things.
(03:47):
I do know that I'm in thecompany of others that are
celebrating with me and aregrateful with me, and that are
praising God with me, and thatmeans the most to me.
So that's where I started.
(04:07):
So, on November 6, 2013, I choseto surrender, and in my
surrender, I was no longer inthe presence of my enemies.
My weapons were no longer anumbing cocoon that shuts out
the entire world and shielded mefrom realities I didn't want to
endure.
That was the day I learned anew battle cry.
(04:29):
Yes, I had gone from one war toanother, but now I was in the
Lord's army.
My shout of hallelujah was adeclaration that he has already
won the fight, but I mustcontinue to defend it and that
the evil one will never bring meback across those enemy lines
and in this army of angels.
I look around and I look forfamiliar faces.
(04:51):
I'm looking around, I'm lookingfor those who are fighting with
me.
They must be there somewhere,these Christian women going
through the same thing that Idid, and I was hoping to see
many who are familiar with thisfight.
Surely they would know how todefend life without alcohol and
they're going to show me the way.
Where are they, lord, I asked,because I didn't see them.
(05:14):
Then I remembered he had toldme the story about how armies
need to grow and that we willneed each other and that when
women of God fall, we fall hard,but when we get back up, we are
forced to be reckoned with that.
We will encourage each otherwhen the lies of the enemy
(05:36):
whisper in someone's weakeningor we will surround them with
the truth that will set themfree.
The fight is new.
It is no longer againstsomething, it is now for
something, and that is where thebeauty lies.
What have I done to deserve alove like this?
When I write those words, I cryharder than I have in a very
(06:00):
long time.
I feel like I'm pouring out mysoul on the pages and while it's
not new information, I feelit's important to repeat.
It feels amazing to sing hispraises of rescue and put beauty
onto this page of what he'sdone.
I just can't describe it, butyet it's so important.
(06:22):
This 10-year milestone is toglorify him and not me.
It reminds me of the song byTasha Layton Look what you've
done.
There's a verse in it that sayssuddenly all the shame is gone.
I thought I was too broken andnow I see you were breaking new
ground inside of me.
Reflecting back on 10 years, didit really go fast?
(06:43):
I mean, life goes fast and itdid, but when I break it down, I
do see how it ebbed and flowed.
These past 10 years brought themost change in our lives as a
family Many milestones, manychanges and the beauty of it, as
I remember every single one.
(07:04):
So variety is brought soberholidays, milestone birthdays.
My youngest turned 21.
I turned 50.
There were vacations,graduations and we became empty
nesters.
My biggest joys will definitelybe celebrating to milestone
(07:28):
anniversaries of our 30th andour 35th Sober my youngest
daughter's wedding Sober.
I became a grandma three timesSober.
There's also been heartbreak anddevastating loss and I thank
God that the temptation to drinkwas not in my thoughts, instead
(07:50):
replaced with the unselfishdesire to be there for my family
.
I have done more, sober, than Icould ever imagine.
Challenge me on anything that Ithought that I could not do as
a sober person and I will havean answer for you.
There were endless businesstrips, happy hours, all
inclusive vacations, but yet Ifound the sparkle in all of them
(08:11):
that exists when you are soberand feeling amazing and
beautiful places.
I survived and made it to thisplace because the fire inside me
burned brighter than the firearound me.
So why?
What brought me to that place,where I actually needed to
surrender?
Thinking back, when I was achild, I knew that the moment I
(08:34):
heard the words in the songJesus loves me, jesus loves me
this I know, for the Bible tellsme.
So I knew it was true and Ibelieved it.
But somewhere along the way Ibegan to doubt what that love
encompassed.
Maybe I was too deep of athinker growing up, but who says
(08:55):
that?
You know, like I'm too deep ofa thinker for a 10 year old?
You just think everybody isthat way, but I don't believe
that's true.
All kids are different.
I do know a couple things.
I do know that I always cravedmore attention than I was
getting.
Whether I was getting it or not, I always wanted more.
(09:19):
I always wanted to be thepretty one, the smart one, the
funny one.
I always felt like these thingswere just out of my reach.
Growing up, I hung out withpeople that I thought had these
attributes, so they would eitherrub off on me or others would
just assume I had them too, andthat didn't work.
Well, it never does when youput your worth on someone or
(09:42):
something else in this world.
So when I got married, I decidedI would create it the perfect
family, and for a long time itworked.
What that really did was set meup for the perfect storm of
addiction.
On the outside I screamedsuccess at the world, but on the
inside I was dying a slow death.
The discovery that alcoholrevived me more than prayer ever
(10:06):
did is a harsh reality that'shard to even say out loud.
I'd built my life on sand andnot on the rock, just like the
parable in Matthew 7, which saysEveryone who hears these words
of mine and does them will belike a wise man who built his
house on the rock and the rainfell and the floods came and the
(10:26):
winds blew and beat on thathouse, but it did not fall
because it had been founded onthe rock.
And everyone who hears thesewords of mine and does not do
them will be like a foolish manwho built his house on the sand.
And the rain fell and thefloods came and the winds blew
and beat against that house andit fell, and great was the fall
of it.
And that was Matthew 7, 24through 27.
(10:50):
So when the rains came, I had noidea how to stay strong through
any of it, other than to drinkand numb it.
I admit I did know what I wasdoing, but I had a false belief
that I could stop.
When things got better, Ididn't intentionally say, well,
I guess I'm going to be analcoholic, but I did know it was
(11:10):
a dangerous game I was playing,and I played it for about 12
years.
I lost this game every time,and no matter how many times I
lost, it was like a gamblingaddiction.
I went back for more every time, thinking this time I will win.
It will end differently thistime, but, as we all know, it
did not, whether you have beenin the situation or not.
(11:32):
I want you to do something withme.
So everybody, close your eyesand picture yourself standing on
a beach at the edge of thewater and I mean big water, like
the ocean where the waves arecrashing over your feet.
You're not moving, you're notpicking up your feet, but as you
(11:53):
stand there, you know what'shappening.
Right, your feet are sinking asthe water washes over, and not
only that you're getting suckedin deeper and deeper, and with
every fresh wave, it gets harderand harder to get out, and that
is addiction.
It gets harder and harder tofree yourself from the sinking
sand you have built your life on, because you're getting sucked
(12:16):
in more and more every time yougo back.
When he saved me on that day,november 6, 2013, I did not know
the how or the why, but thistime, my suffering, repentance
and also rescue felt different.
My surrender felt different too.
(12:37):
This was real, and I knewwithout a doubt I was never
going back.
However, my fears about whatday, four or five and beyond,
and my usual ramblings of Lordhow will that be different?
What will happen then?
What does forever look like?
I didn't ask any of thosequestions.
There was nothing to figure out, because the only question was
(12:59):
asked by him and it was a simplequestion, and he said do you
trust me?
And I said yes, lord.
And from that moment on I saidyes to everything he asked of me
.
And it wasn't long before Irealized he was asking for more
than what I had thought about.
But instead of becoming fearful, I became determined.
(13:21):
Has everything been a win?
I can honestly say mostly sayyes, even when it's hard, and I
say when, because that justdoesn't mean it turned out the
way I thought it should, but itwas still a win.
So when I'm challenged for whatI say or do, when I have to
defend my integrity and mychoices, those are really dark
(13:44):
days and they can go on if I letthem be.
So I try really hard not to,and I come here for support.
But the good days are sopowerful to.
Whether someone reading a blog,a post on social media, hearing
me speak or listening to apodcast, I've been affirmed
every single time by someonesaid that they heard something
(14:08):
that they needed to hear From myvoice, from God's words through
me, and that means more to methan I could have ever imagined.
That's God and only God, and Ilearned very early on that what
I said was not always going tobe what people would respond to,
(14:29):
but they were still listening.
Comments and likes are sparse,and I'm okay with that because I
know if something helps justone woman from feeling like I
did for over 12 years, for justone more day, I'm doing exactly
what God is asking me to.
Your pain will be your purpose,and I have found mine by taking
(14:54):
that path.
Think of the moment.
Then I sent my manuscript tothe publisher for the last time
and said God, as long as oneperson has led to you from these
words, that's worth it.
That has happened more thanonce and my words have been an
impact over and over.
And when I hear from a reader,I cry every time and again.
(15:16):
I think of the song by TashaLayton Look what You've Done.
And I was going to end here, butwhen I decided that I wanted to
make my testimony lasting andagain not sure where I'm going
to share it I wrote more, and Iwrote this to the woman I was on
(15:41):
November 5, 2013.
And I started writing this afew mornings ago, pretty much
just being obedient, as this isnot my usual journaling routine.
But God right, and I'm struckby how much more I'm willing to
listen rather than needing to beheard or asked questions.
(16:05):
So my prayers used to be whinyplease have saved me, helped me,
rescue me.
But over the last 10 years, myprayers have changed from more
selfish demands that myaddiction be fixed for me and
have turned into show me, lord,show me how this addiction, and
now recovery, fits into yourplan, because surely there's a
plan, lord.
I'm gradually accepting that Iwill not see the entire plan
(16:27):
laid out in front of me, but Iwill see the steps to see it
fulfilled.
So I write this to encourage,not to say look what I did, or
if I did it, so can you?
I wrote this to give hope thatif you believe he can, he will,
that the same God who deliveredme will deliver you.
Let the woman listening to thisthat is thinking and I know
(16:51):
this line of thinking becausethis was me on November 5, 2013.
You have no idea how bad mydrinking is.
I cannot fathom life without it, but yet the thought of staying
here causes me so much grief.
I've talked to God before, butit doesn't help.
That grace that you got is notfor me, and I said you know,
(17:14):
there is nothing too big for God.
There is nothing that will evermake him stop loving you.
If you believe that he can takethis cup from you, he will.
So just ask him who am I in you, lord?
And then you must believe whathe tells you, because you are
not the exception to any rule.
You're not that special, butyou're special to him.
You're worth your identity, whoyou really are, who he created
(17:35):
you to be, is only found in him.
Take your sin, your addiction,lay it at his feet and then look
up, feel the wetness on yourface from his tears.
For you.
He's been loving you throughthe self-imposed prison you have
locked yourself in, and at yourfeet lies the key.
It's always been there, but youthought it had been thrown away
in every hopeless situationresulting from your drinking.
(17:59):
So you pick it up.
You're desperate to accept thefreedom that unlocking the door
will bring you.
And there's no fumbling.
The key slides in the lockeasily and with a quiet click
the door is opened wide enoughfor you to step through.
You've come this far beforeyou've stood in the threshold.
You've talked it over and saidI mean, I can do this, but did
(18:21):
you step all the way through thedoor?
That would be a new step.
Why do you hover on thethreshold every time?
What will it take to walkthrough the other side, where a
new life, free of alcohol anddrugs, awaits you?
You look around and realize thatGod has sent in reinforcements.
There's angels everywhere withthe weapons of beautiful voices
(18:41):
singing his praises andproclaiming victory over sin,
your sin.
Then he offers his hand and itawaits you just through the door
.
And you see, written all overthat hand is your redemption
story.
And then you know he has a planand it's not what you've been
living.
And you know, without a doubt,you cannot win this fight on
your own and you never will.
You have to walk all the waythrough the door, grasp his hand
(19:06):
and shut it behind you, andwhen you do, you feel safe and
love.
Safe enough to throw the keyfar into the fire behind you and
leave the old life behind thiscommunity.
Here you are, my army of angelsthat God has surrounded me with
each other, and you are therefor me, you are there for each
(19:29):
other and we will be there foranyone else as well.
It truly is beautiful to be inthe company of women that love
the Lord and know exactly whatyou are feeling, and that the
struggle to overcome the pain ofaddiction is real, and we can
show you the way.
Whether you reach out here tosomeone else you trust, do not
(19:49):
wait, because life won't.
All the things in life you'vemissed out or numbed will
continue to exist for you thatway, and sadly, it does not get
better.
It doesn't just go away.
It might be controlled for awhile, maybe even go quiet for a
while, but the angry line willcome back with the mighty roar
of destruction of your life,destroying the ones you love
(20:11):
with greater force every time.
You don't have to hit theinfamous rock bottom to quit.
Life will not suck, I promise.
Don't wait, stop drinking andstart living.
If there's one thing that Iwish that I would have done
differently on November 6, 2013was maybe had a 10 year
(20:32):
anniversary then, but that's notthe way it was supposed to work
out.
That was my day one, and I justwent forward from there.
So, whatever day you're on orwhatever day you're
contemplating, or whoeverlistens to this, don't wait.
Like I said, start living.
Life is waiting and it doesn'tinvolve drinking.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
I kind of have a question, sherry.
It's a question and anobservation.
Yes, hopefully, I'm just kindof thinking out loud here but so
many people have to go througha formal program or a rehab, or
maybe they'll find themselves inAA, right, and work through
(21:23):
their way to sobriety, hopefully.
But you didn't, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
Your story is really atestimony to you know, god works
differently in each path.
So for some it's AA, for othersit's an outpatient or inpatient
(21:47):
, maybe several times.
You know.
Look at Matthew Perry.
I mean, I mean, your story isjust such a beautiful way that
God is glorifying himself.
He's glorifying himself throughyour life and your books and I
think you know in AA theyconstantly are encouraging you
(22:11):
to get out of yourself and doacts of service right, and
you're writing as that act ofservice.
And then what you're gettingback from all these women that
read your books and through thisgroup, I think is really the
key to your sobriety.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
I would agree and I've never looked at it that way
before.
So that's a really goodobservation and I've always been
really careful or at least Ilook at it differently, I think,
especially this past year is,you know, is we're opening a
(22:59):
rehab facility?
But I had, I didn't really havean option.
I knew about rehab but therewas not a rehab within reach for
me that was going to dosomething for me, that I knew
(23:22):
that that was going to do thissomething for me that God could
not do.
Does that make sense?
I felt very, very convicted manytimes before that final drink
that God was after me.
I was almost scared, likefreaked out, and I think that
(23:48):
that last day, the surrender and, like I said, it's different
for everybody, but it was almostlike he made the decision
instead of me Obviously mutual,but it's rare that you hear and
there's some of you here thathave had that that it's just
(24:09):
gone.
Is it still?
Is it struggle to learn how tolive differently?
It's just there's challengesthat go along with learning to
live without your copingmechanism, but it was never a
challenge to that.
I was being tempted and I feellike that was as much.
(24:36):
Him saying it's time to getbusy.
I got plans and I had no ideathat any of this was in his plan
none.
I mean, I just wanted to get myhouse cleaned, I just wanted to
get organized.
I just wanted my kids to likeme again.
I mean, my list was so simplecompared to what he had going.
(25:01):
And am I grateful for it?
Yes, I mean, this is my life.
This is a life that I haven'treally chosen, but I'm so glad.
I love my life, I love what Ido.
It's yeah, but in that samevein.
(25:23):
That is why our Salah Houserecovery is not a normal.
It's not a normal recovery andI mean would you expect anything
else from me?
And nothing's normal.
So I mean it's different and Ilook forward to sharing a lot
more of that with you.
But it's kind of the idea ofthe firm belief that fall in
(25:51):
love with Jesus and everythingelse falls into place and
everybody that comes there doesknow Jesus.
I mean they can come if theydon't.
Even if they don't but it'sprobably not gonna have the same
effect for them but to fallback in love with your faith and
what God can do.
And when you believe that, Ibelieve that things start to
(26:18):
happen and combine that with acommunity like this one, because
you come in with a community,there's 12 women that you come
with and there's the same 12women that you leave with, and
that's one of the unique aspectsof our program.
So, yeah, like I said, I lookforward to sharing more of you,
(26:40):
but thank you, karen.
That was a great observation.
You're welcome Anybody else,Michelle.
Speaker 4 (26:47):
Well, sherry, you are .
Speaker 2 (26:50):
I mean.
Speaker 4 (26:51):
you are such an inspiration to all of us in
terms of in terms of when youcan fully surrender and be
obedient and trust God, notknowing what his plans are.
(27:12):
I just it's remarkable how Godhas used you in the past 10
years.
It's amazing.
So, with that being said, Ialso have a question.
I don't know if you're able toanswer it or not, but on
(27:37):
November 5th 2013, did you, deepdown in your soul, know that
God had been working in you andthrough you throughout all of
(27:59):
those years with the struggles?
Did you kind of sort of knowthat you were going to surrender
?
Did you have that feeling inyour gut that I'm done?
I'm done, I'm gonna really I'mgonna give this to God.
(28:20):
I'm done.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
I can answer that and it's probably not the beautiful
God girl answer I would like togive, but I was still in the
place the day before I quit of.
I've got to quit or Craig isgoing to leave me, okay.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
That's where I was Okay.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
And I've got to figure this out.
And I did want to quit.
I wanted to quit for good.
I was still walking aroundgoing God help me, god save me.
I promise it'll be differentthis time.
I was, I was repeating the samething.
I had done that whole time.
I was also mad because, if you,if you read my story, I was
(29:08):
attempting to drink and itwasn't working Right, almost
like I, like my throat was closeto it, hmm, I mean, I, I was
pissed and I was like I get todo this on my terms one last
time and it wasn't working.
I had no.
That's why I was so angry, Iwas so angry, I was so angry, I
was so angry, I was so angry, Ihad no.
(29:30):
That's why, being that out ofof still controlling the
situation and but still knowingit had to end, I was still all
in sherry's, in control.
So when it happened the way itdid, I remember waking up that
(29:51):
morning with an incrediblesadness, like grieving, and I
know now that came from knowingI was going to lose, I wasn't
going to win this one on my own,and I did talk to God about it
that morning and if I read myjournal, it really is all the
(30:14):
same.
Help me God, help me God, helpme God.
And it was that moment on thefloor that I was like whoa, like
something's really reallydifferent.
And I mean Ben Fuller sings thesong God, god, hold me, and it
(30:40):
gives, it sends a chill down myspine every single time because
I know what he's singing aboutand you know, as I relive some
of those moments just throughyour questions, it's so evident
what he was doing.
I had no idea he was going todo anything more than you know.
(31:01):
The first time I spoke to asmall group of women In 2013, I
didn't know what a blog was.
Okay, I don't even know if itwas around.
I think my daughter would.
So she was in college like 2006to 2010.
And somebody told me mydaughter had a blog and I'm like
, oh what.
I honestly had no idea and nointention of starting one Like
(31:25):
people might read it.
You know, first time I hitpublish I was like, and please
God, let no one read it.
But yeah, so that's where I was, not with any different
expectation.
Is that hoping it would workthis time?
Right?
But the minute it did, I knewit was different, 100%.
(31:47):
And that's why I use theanalogy of walking through the
door.
I feel like I was on my kneeson the threshold every single
time and you know, I feel likeyou know.
I used the analogy of you know,when he held out his hand and
(32:11):
my redemption story was writtenon his hand.
But how much are you going tosee that quickly?
If I would have seen everythingthat was going to happen
written on his hand, I probablywould have backed off.
I mean, in all honesty, that'sscary, but I saw enough to know
that he was going to take careof me, and that's all we need.
(32:35):
I mean, there's so much truthto one day at a time, we don't
need to know the big plan.
Speaker 6 (32:43):
Anybody else?
Quick question, jerry when didyou know that it was actually
time to write the book, likewhat led up to that?
Speaker 1 (32:53):
There was a series of events.
So I always wanted to write,just didn't know what to write
about.
Blogging.
I never thought about writing abook.
Blogging definitely startedgetting me hungry to write more.
But I was asked.
I started.
I went the place where we boughtour cottage it's like a
(33:15):
conference center on the groundsand they had a writers
conference.
And that was the first year.
The second year I was sober andI was there like you should go,
and I'm like no, I should.
And I just went and I justlurked.
You would not believe how quietI was.
Like I didn't even talk toanybody, except for one person
(33:39):
that I started a conversationwith and I'm really good friends
with to this day.
And so, what's your story?
I said I don't really have one,I'm just here to just.
He says everybody here is astory, it's Christian Writers
Conference, everything's tragic,everything's got to read.
It ends beautifully you knowwhat's your moment?
I said, well, I was.
(34:02):
I was an alcoholic.
I still am, I always will be,but now I'm not.
And he goes that's boring.
Did you do anything in there toanything different?
And I said, well, I was aChristian.
He said that's still boring,anything else?
I said, I rode my bike fromMichigan to Texas.
(34:23):
Now we've got a story and Isaid, oh, he says work on that,
come back next year.
So that got me thinking and twoyears later I had a book
contract just by going andlearning every year.
But two years later I alsobecame the director of that
Writers Conference and I did notwant that job.
(34:44):
I said yes to be nice, becauseI don't know how to say no, but
I did not want that job.
But I'm so glad I said yesbecause that has created
connections beyond you know, andfriends across the nation.
Just it's been incredible.
So again, god's plan, not mine.
So that's pretty much how thebook came about.
Speaker 2 (35:09):
I thought the visual of walking through the door and
throwing the key behind you intothe fire is just really
powerful.
And when you really close thedoor on it.
And my question is how didbeing vulnerable and honest
(35:31):
change your life when you crossthat line of how has being
vulnerable and honest changed mylife?
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Regarding your drinking?
And yeah, at times it'sinconvenient because I feel like
ever since I I heard JoyceMeyer say once If you have
integrity, put the freaking cardaway in the parking lot.
Ever since I heard that Ialways put the grocery card away
(36:03):
, or I'm like who's watchingright now that I should be doing
the right thing Because I'mvulnerable, because I'm a wide
open book.
I think people are quicker tojudge if you don't do.
(36:24):
Everything.
I mean things that you do orsay can be quickly interpreted
in the wrong direction.
But what it's also done is whenthey are misinterpreted your
actions or your deeds it hurtstwice as much Because it's like
can't you see me for who I am?
No, that's not who I am, and ithurts.
(36:46):
It hurts a lot.
So I think that living in amore vulnerable and wide open
lifestyle it does set you up forthe perfect storm to get hurt a
lot more.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
But at the end of the day, I don't have any regrets.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
I don't have any regret Because I know what
really matters, and I thinkthat's been the biggest shift.
I no longer worry aboutpleasing people, I worry about
pleasing God, and I don't alwaysdo it perfectly, but I try a
lot harder than I used to.
Speaker 7 (37:26):
I was just going to say congratulations and I love
the imagery of standing on thesand looking out into the ocean
when you close your eyes and yousee that division.
I think it's a great comparison, because you're looking at the
(37:47):
beautiful effects of drinking atfirst right, how it makes you
feel and how it's just soromantic, like the ocean is too
but before you know it, you'rebeing overtaken by the power of
the waves and the depth that ithas taken you deeper than you
ever thought it could before.
(38:08):
It was not too powerful or toomuch, so I just think that that
was a great visual to put thetwo together.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
Great, thank you, and I was just thinking when you
were saying it.
They give a little kid at thebeach where it's.
First it's like, oh my gosh,you know, and they love it.
And then all of a sudden thewaves come faster and faster to
them and they're just likepanicking all of a sudden
because they can't get them tostop Right.
No, Tricky.
But thank you, tara so.
Speaker 6 (38:39):
Kristen, congratulations, thank you.
My question was did you, duringthe 10 years, did you ever go
through like a difficult timewhere you were wishing you could
drink or you were like, how amI going to get through this
without drinking?
Speaker 1 (38:59):
No, we did go through .
Well, we went throughStephanie's addiction, which I
didn't want to drink because Iwanted to take care of my
grandsons, because that was myplace, and it never, ever
occurred to me to drink.
It occurred to me.
I just, every day, I just saidthank you, god that I can, that
(39:22):
I can be helpful, thank you thatmy son trusts me and the other.
The first one, though, that wewent through was when our grants
.
So that was six and a half,it'll be seven this July.
Our grandson, otto, was bornwith a severe heart defect, and
I've never been through thatmuch pain in my life and
watching my daughter go throughthat much pain and sick with
(39:46):
worry for almost three months oftouch and go, and I didn't want
to drink, but I did want.
I remember thinking I want tocheck out.
So bad it didn't occur anddrinking wasn't the option.
But I remember thinking I wishI had ambience or something like
I just wanted to sleep, Iwanted to check out, but yet
(40:07):
then I would panic because Ineeded to be available.
What if they call?
What if?
What if the, the alarms go off?
You know so it was always that,but I would have these moments
where I was like I just want tocheck out.
Part of me thinks that's normal.
Yeah, it's not always.
You know the addiction partit's dangerous to as an as an
(40:29):
addict, you do have to keep anextra special eye on it, I think
.
But I mean because I remembermy husband saying to you I just,
I just want the heavy to justbe gone for just a little bit,
because you would wake up andyou go what's wrong?
You knew immediately somethingwas wrong and living like that
(40:50):
was really hard.
But I think what was reallyhard was figuring out how to
live with that, for me at least,because I always made it go
away before it got uncomfortable.
But there's no way I could havebeen the mom that I was through
that for my daughter even andafter he was born and came home
(41:13):
that first year, if I wasdrinking, because, make no
mistake, I would have drank.
Thank you, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 5 (41:28):
I wasn't so much a question.
I just wanted to saycongratulations and a big thank
you, because you put a lot ofblood, sweat and tears into
making sure this group's activeand getting together every week
and it's really wonderful andthey're just really really
aren't spaces like this.
And thank you.
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Thank you.
That encourages me, so, and Iwant to encourage every one of
you to use your story or to useyour recovery, even if it's just
here, even if it's where wetalk to each other in the forum
or in a meeting or something'son your heart, share it, make it
a topic, because there's somuch power in sharing our
(42:11):
stories.
God can do anything, and I'mglad that.
I mean, it's always that thingof if you knew me then, but I'm
really glad you did it, becausewe probably, yeah, always that
thing of, yeah, we didn't needto know each other before.
So that's good.
But all right, I'm going toclose the prayer.
(42:33):
Dear Lord and Heavenly Father,thank you so much.
Thank you so much for this timetogether tonight celebrating
what you do, because you do itso well.
I'm full of gratitude and I'mthankful for every year that
(43:01):
brought me closer to you.
I'm further away from the oldlife, and every face on the
screen and every other one thatcouldn't be here tonight, lord,
the gifts that just keep coming,I'm so grateful.
Bless us on our way, lord, andI just pray, lord, that wherever
(43:29):
these women are, in the sameway that I said, where are they,
lord, that you'll bring themhere and we will welcome them
and do whatever you say In yourprecious name.
We pray Amen.
All right, love you guys.
Have a great night Welcome tothe YouTube sharing.
Thank you.
(43:49):
God bless you.
Thank you, and we will see youhere next week on the she
Surrenders podcast.
And if you could take a momentto leave a positive review, no
negative ones, please.
That is how we get the word outof what's happening in faith
needs recovery, and feel free tosubscribe when you're there too
.
See you next week.
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