John Carter (2012)

Goo Goblins?

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This week on Shelf Warmers, Sam and Andrew travel to mars to cover, John Carter! The boys discuss Taylor Kitsch as a movie star, Pixar transitioning to live action and why is everyone so obsessed with Star Wars? Will this film be left to die in the dust on Earth? Or live a fruitful life on Mars?

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Edited by: Kaushik Tare

Instagram: @shelfwarmers.podcast

Next Week's Episode: The Lone Ranger

Episode Transcript

(00:12):
Welcome to Shell Formers. I'm Sam.
And I'm Andrew. This is the podcast where we
watch and discuss movies from roughly 2012 to 2020, AKA the
pump and dump period of Hollywood.
Not exactly a golden age, but definitely a time of high
fertility for Tinseltown. So frail, in fact, that we
didn't see many of the movies produced.
So if they're good, they're bad or just mad, we're going to

(00:34):
cover it all. If it's been sitting on the
shelf, what's time to take it all?
Shit, sorry. Let's just keep going.
Let's just keep it in. Fuck it, fuck it.
Well, it's time to take it down and dust it off.
Off the shelf. Off the shelf, these things have
been these things have been warming on the shelf, shelf
farmers, shelf farmers. And today we're covering 2012

(00:57):
John Carter, directed by Pixar superstar Andrew Stan.
Andrew Stanton, who did Finding Nemo Wally, starring Hollywood
wannabe Taylor Kitsch. A burn right off the bat.
Now, Sam, you did say John Carter, right?
I'm who is this? I'm a congressman of Texas, John

(01:17):
Carter, currently serving my 13th election.
Is that true? I should do research on this guy
before I cover him in a humorousway, but I do have to tell you a
story. Sam, please.
My grand pappy also locked himself in a tomb and teleported
his face. Wow, that's incredible.
I'm actually now seeing that he voted to repeal same sex

(01:38):
marriage, so I'm going to go walk myself into that tomb and
blow my brains out. John Wait, wait, wait.
How does it feel to be named after this science fiction
legend? Well, it's an honor, but I would
have preferred Harry Potter. I guess that makes sense.
Bilbo Baggins. You wish your name was Bilbo
Baggins. Well, yeah, little top or Little

(02:01):
Texas top hat. Bilbo Baggins 13th election
Congressman Bilbo Baggins and I hereby declare no same sex
marriage. I think that works.
Well, thanks guys. A scumbag, by the way, not
unlike the real John Carter, himself a Confederate.
Strange choice by the fucking I guess the original source

(02:24):
material. I don't, I, I can't imagine.
Disney in 2012 was like, let's think of a Confederate soldier.
I also feel like if, if something's like written in
1917, you don't, you don't like have to honor the source
material. If something was written like
the same time as World War One, you don't have to honor it.
It's fine. I do think it's actually, well,

(02:45):
we'll get to it anyway. Taylor Kitsch plays the lead
role of John Carter. Lynn Collins is also in the
film. Dominic West and a very
memorable voice performance by the one and only Willem Dafoe.
Willem Dafoe. Yeah.
So this movie came out in 2012. Do you know what it kind of went

(03:09):
up against? I think this was March of 2012.
Yes, I saw one of the movies that open against instead.
I don't know. 1000 words starring Eddie Murphy.
A. Movie that I even as a kid
thought was like, is it a baffling thing?

(03:30):
A weird choice I. Was like, why is he doing this?
Because I knew like a naughty professor and like, you know,
Doctor Doolittle. And I was.
Like that's like what, 10 years before this?
Yeah, so I was like, OK, Eddie Murphy, because I think I saw
Dad meet Dave around the same time.
Yeah, meet Dave. I definitely saw him meet Dave.
It's almost like he was doing like these high concept like
films. Yeah.
Like what if a guy had a certainamount of words?

(03:52):
Wouldn't that be very funny? Is.
That the concept of that movie. I believe so from my memory of
seeing it 13 years ago. You can only say 1000 words.
Yes, he was like he was limited.That's like a guy who has like a
college essay and it's like 1000word, like maximum.
He's like, all right, I'm going to write a college essay about a
guy writing a college essay. That has to be 1000 words.

(04:15):
He puts in the ChatGPT. He just fucking runs it.
Fucking runs it. That'd be an interesting month
where it's like, were these ChatGPT ideas before ChatGPT
even existed? So just shitty ideas?
Yeah, shitty idea of September. Shitty idea of September.

(04:36):
Yeah, It this also came out pretty close to The Avengers and
they were saying online that it was kind of like eventually like
in a build like a double featurefor Avengers.
As in what? Was that May?
Yeah, so it was kind of like a drive in thing.
I saw that when they were still happening.
It was like, come see John Carter and I guess also The
Avengers, the way more successful movie.

(04:56):
Yeah, you see, John Carter. You'd hope they'd open with
Avengers. Yeah, that would fucking suck to
sit through all of John Carter and then watch The Avengers.
A picture just like the image oflike of like of the sign out
front that says Avengers. All the cars pull up and then
like and John Carter and all thecars leave.
It's an empty lot. I like humbleweed.

(05:18):
Yeah, I like to imagine, you know, Avengers fucking ends.
What's the post credit scene forAvengers?
Is that Thanos? That's Thanos.
Thanos post credit. Everyone's fucking thrilled,
pumped opening credits for John Carter traffic.
Everyone's leaving. No one's fucking watching it.
I've not been to a drive in in awhile, have you?

(05:39):
The only time I went to, and I've talked about this before,
the only time I went to a drive in theater was in Michigan.
My famous summers in Michigan, of course, as a boy.
You and the judge. Me and the judge and I'm trying
to remember the you know what itwas?
It was a it was a similar Disneypiece of shit movie.

(05:59):
Lone Ranger. Oh, I wouldn't.
Want to put down the list that would.
Be great. We should do that next week.
Because it's all right fun. You guys heard of first?
Next week, Gore Burbinski is TheLone Ranger starring the most
famous man alive. He's done nothing wrong.
Honestly, two people who are fucking crazy.
Crazy people. Two very famous men, 1A podcast

(06:23):
host in Cannibal Armie Hammer and one insane person in
general, Johnny Depp. I saw that, forget what the
second movie was. I remember he fucking plays
Tonto, and it's not just like he's like another cowboy fucking
Tonto. Don't.
That'd be good to watch, but do you remember what was the last

(06:43):
time you were at a drive in? Over COVID I saw double feature
of of you want to hear this ET. OK fine makes sense.
Sonic the Hedgehog. I don't know why it's curating
this. Who's?
Curating I guess like it's like.Yeah, one for the kids, one for
the adults. But also, I guess it's like each

(07:03):
movie has like a thing that comes from another place and
lives with like a broken family.I've never seen Sonic, so I
don't know I. Thought you were saying for some
reason I've never seen ETS. Imagine.
I don't know, I'd be a completely different person if
I'd never seen ET. So what's like the overview of
this? Movie.
Yeah. Does anyone, does anyone
listening even know what the hell this movie's about?

(07:24):
Well, I have the answer. Thank God.
So when Civil War veteran John Carter, played by Taylor Kitsch
as we've said, mysteriously awakes on the surface of Mars,
also called Barsoom in the film,he little expects the adventure
that awaits him. Carter reluctantly becomes

(07:44):
embroiled in the epic conflict among the Red Planet's
inhabitants, so he goes from onecivil war on Earth to just
another civil war on the Red Planet.
The battle never stops for this guy.
No, and you have such great characters as TARS Tarkas,

(08:05):
voiced by Willem Dafoe who is like a Martian A4 armed Martian
with horns on his face. How do you feel?
How do you feel The Martian looks?
I went back and forth on it. I landed on liking it by the
end. I thought it was OK, but I also
wish there was more versatility.In the is.
That the word versatility. In what?

(08:27):
Variability. No.
It's it's just that. It's a view.
Word, Verge, version, whatever. I wish there was more of a
variance. Very young.
This is the episode where Andrewand I have a fucking stroke.

(08:49):
Differentiation, yes, between the character designs.
Yeah, 'cause they all, they lookthe same.
Not the profile like the Martians, but.
Not to sound ignorant about tarstarkas on Barsoom, also known as
Mars. Yes, he lands on Mars and

(09:12):
becomes like the Prince becomes the Valek what he becomes.
Helium, Helium, Helium is the city, but.
No, no. But he becomes like the leader
and there's like a term. Oh, he's called.
I guess Valek is, I believe, other than none from the
contrary actually. Like so so cat or something Cat,

(09:33):
so whatever. There's a lot of dumb names in
this fucking movie, but basically, as Mars is poised on
the brink of collapse, this war weary Carter, you know, yeah, he
he rediscovers his humanity whenhe realizes that everyone's fate
is in his hands. Is everyone's fate in his hands?

(09:54):
I don't know if I I wrote I readthis on like.
If he, like the Chosen One, couldn't really get that.
He's definitely sent sent there for a reason.
I think he does help them out. He sent by reason, by who?
Because he just, he just know. He happens to ask.
My God. Well, I don't know if we want to
go there on this pond. But yeah, that's your Christian

(10:15):
movie. Well, the whole cutscene we're
here where he's in Virginia in the opening scene.
A praise to God. Yeah, Virginia.
The whole thing is like, he's from Virginia and he ends up on
the planet and he there's like aMartian language and he's
talking to Willem Dafoe in the Martian language.
And I was like, my name. He says this in the Martian

(10:37):
language. He's like, I'm Tars.
I'm Tars. And John Carter's like, oh,
yeah, Tars, Tars. He's like, well, I'm John Carter
from Virginia. And Tars is like Virginia,
Virginia or Virginia. So they call him Virginia, which
I think is kind of a fun little detail.
I think so, too. I think it's a cool thing to
open this movie up with a narration from Willem Dafoe.

(10:59):
Like, it almost tricked me. I was like, oh, OK, we're doing
something here. Well right off the bat I'm a
sucker for when they altered theopening logos to shit.
Oh yeah. Most recently in Wicked, which
we discussed. Bad title card.
No, not the tut. Oh, sorry, I know.
We have the. Same exact conversation like 2

(11:20):
weeks ago. Not the wicked title card, but
the Universal Pictures Old school.
Yeah, but the wicked title card is bad because it looks like a
PNG and you can see the pixels on it.
Yes, yes, yes. Because we're so pissed off.
But this film opens with the classic Disney castle, but it's
all tinted red. Yeah, like Barsoom, which I

(11:42):
love. I wish, I wish they had Barsoom
World. I never leave.
In my mind, I'd be like, they'reJohn Carter and I'd go and free
the Disney employees and become their hero.
Yeah, you show up, they're like we've been waiting for you.
It's. Just like a fat Florida guy in a
wheelchair. In a wheelchair, like in a He's

(12:04):
like a motor scooter. Yeah, he's like he has on help
us. Help us and for all.
Yeah, that honestly, your name sounds kind of cool.
It kind of it sounds it's on, it's on par with John.
Carter. Andrew Alexander.
Yeah. Wow.
Thank you. It's nice to know that I'm on
par with with Disney's own John Carter.

(12:29):
So did you have any, like, knowledge of John Carter?
Because I kind of thought it waslike a pulp thing.
Like I thought it was. Well, it's like a novel though,
right? But it's in that same vein of,
like Buck Rogers and sure, FlashGordon.
Yeah, I guess I expected it to be like a comic series or like

(12:50):
versus like a novel itself. Well, I actually did some
research and I'm acting like I'm.
I'm acting like I was a John Carter expert.
And I did no research and I'm acting like I didn't just look
at the Wikipedia page for 15 seconds before I clicked off.
I actually went down to like a rabbit hole about it because I
was kind of, I really wanted this movie to be good because
it's based off this like old school sci-fi shit, like these

(13:13):
pulp magazines which were spawned off the book.
And this guy, Edgar Burrows wrote the the original book,
which was called the Princess ofMars or something.
Yeah. Which is the better title?
Well, sexy. I mean, this.
Wait, there's a lot. There's a lot, a lot to talk
about with this freaking movie. Hit me with it.

(13:33):
Andrew Stanton insisted it be called John Carter.
Bad move. Because he was so convinced that
people like, oh, basically he grew up in the 70s before Star
Wars came out and there was a John Carter comic book series,
OK, Like a RE. It was like a retelling of the
book through this new comic. And he loved it.

(13:56):
Andrew Stanton, like, growing upin fucking Massachusetts or
wherever. And he was like, Oh my God,
like, this is so good. Like there's a Princess.
Like it was very similar to StarWars.
And I think Star Wars, there's no Star Wars without John
Carter, which is like, that's like Favreau's line in the
featurette that I watched because somehow he was involved
in this. Movie.
Oh yeah, he's in it, right? Yeah, he's in the He has a

(14:17):
cameo, but he was going to direct it before I chose.
Cowboys and aliens instead. Which would also be love for
double bill. Another like failed.
I realized like was that a Disney movie?
No, I. Don't like so?
I mean, that's worthy of the pond.
Is that 2011? Yeah, it's right.

(14:38):
It's right in the cusp. Maybe if we do a second pod
slightly. Only for 2011.
Slightly warmer things on the shelf AKA 2000, 2011.
I also have a hot take that I would like to say about this
movie. Please.
I'm so tired of these 60 year old men who are directing these

(15:01):
Hollywood movies who are like, no, it's like an omens of Star
Wars and Indiana Jones in my childhood.
I love Star Wars. I have no desire to ever like
make a movie inspired by Star Wars.
It's been done. It's been done for dude. 50
years dude, since Star Wars. I had the same fucking thought
when I watched this. Because the opening 15 minutes

(15:23):
are just shitty Indiana Jones and then so much the movie a
shitty Star Wars. I'm like, I don't care that
George Lucas saved your life or changed your life so.
Everything is that, yeah, GeorgeLucas saved Andrew Stan from
like a from. Like drowning.
So yeah. There was like a crazy hurricane
in Massachusetts, and George Lucas saved a young Angie
Stanton. Hey, hey do.

(15:44):
Me a favor make John Carter. And then he can't.
He handed him a straight. Make Finding Dory.
You're gonna make John. Equal to Finding Nemo, but
you're gonna make Finding Nemo for us.
You're gonna make John Carter. It's gonna be the biggest bomb
in history. That's a fact.
Did you know that? It's the biggest bomb in all.
It's the. Big This is the biggest box
office bomb of all time. It lost approximately $265

(16:08):
million for the Walt Disney Company.
Wow. You're going to, you're going to
make anyway. Cut back.
You're going to, you're going tomake John Carter and it's going
to be. What?
What'd you say to me? What's your what'd you just
what'd you just cough out? Was that a clown fish?
Is that a fucking clown? Wait a minute, you're going to

(16:29):
make a film called Finding? I've got an idea.
Yeah. I just told you to make it.
I just told you to make funny Nemo.
But I totally agree, I do. I have no interest in making
some movie in space with two warring factions and the chosen
one and a Princess and all this bullshit.
And the dark side? Yeah, dark.
Side I would like to make a movie that has Yoda though if I

(16:51):
just make one movie that has Yoda.
Make Yoda A Star Wars story. No, I don't want to be a Star
Wars movie. I just like want to do like AI
want to get Judd Apatow like style movie and like Seth
Rogen's like, what do I do? Oh my God, do I have to marry
her? And then like, it's like, like
Jay Baruchel, like a Michael Cera and Yoda.

(17:12):
So Yoda is like, like, it's likea Ted.
Movie. But Ted is yo.
Bro Star. Barsoom, I love Yoda just
started talking and John Carter talk.
Oh Yolo. Start talking to John Carter.
He's like Tim Robinson. Why doesn't Yoda talk like he's
from Barsoom? You, you can't do that.

(17:34):
You can't talk in Yoda talk. You're.
Not from Dagobah. Dagobah system because.
Also it was like very like Dune.I noticed I'm like Dune inspired
by John Carter. Yeah, I realized that
everything. 'S inspired obvious question.
Andrew what? Are you fucking done?
Everything's John Carter. There's like a straight line of

(17:59):
history, and it all goes back toJohn Carter.
Yeah, it all goes back to TaylorKitsch with his stupid haircut.
Or me level the gambit. We rather talk about anything
else except the plot of this movie.
Yeah, because it's so. It's just, you know, exact, you
know exactly what it is. It's Star Wars.
He comes to Mars, he falls in love with the Princess, but

(18:19):
she's a little badass. Yes, she is.
Little badass and well, he's a little badass too and they fight
as a as a set up marriage, but there's a betrayal and when's
the day he becomes the chosen 1 and he buries himself alive?
I don't think anyone's going to understand what you just said.

(18:41):
So you we open with the Dafoe voice over which explains Mars
and Barsoom and all this bullshit.
Then we go back to Earth. No, actually right, no, the the
first attack on Mars and. Part of the voice over, right?
Yes, and Dominic W is like a oneof the rulers also too old for

(19:04):
this movie. He's like 50 already and you can
you? A lot of miscasts.
And look, I will try to age shame him.
He's he's in good shape. He looks good, but like, he
looks like he's 15 years older than all the other people in
this movie. And he's not terribly
threatening as the the villain. No, not at all.
And you kind of have like the Watchers show up.

(19:25):
I don't remember their names, but they're also like the
engineers. Oh, oh, what the fuck are they
called? Oh.
The Engineers from Prometheus. Yeah.
Yeah. Also the Watchers from Marvel,
Tark. Yeah.
The Tarkes. Someone like that Turks, not the
Turks. No, no, I don't think it's that.
But they they look like the. Watchers.
Yeah, and they show up. Are there multiple?
Watchers. They're bald, yeah.

(19:47):
They're multiple watchers. They show up, they give them
powers, and then they're like. I learned that they don't exist
in the book. Oh well, it's a stupid
inclusion, so good job. Great job guys.
It's kind of cool technology though.
I like the sun power they have. That was cool.
And the boat designs are cool orthe ship designs, what you want

(20:08):
to call it. Like I was like, OK, like
there's some. Yeah, the flying.
Vessel some cool choices in thisvery science fiction.
Very, really science fiction. I give this movie a lot of
credit. It's a huge swing.
We love huge swings. We do, but we love them in
baseball, we love them in John Carter.
We love them in promposals. Yeah, you know, I was just

(20:31):
adding some like Ken Burns musicin the background of your
speech. It is now a video podcast to be
a slow fade or a slow what you do.
He's a pushing. Yeah.
The Ken Burns. I've never watched a Ken Burns
documentary. Really, my friend, I don't.
Have time for that? Whoa, They are kind of like.
I only have tons of like John Carter so that's why I haven't
watched the Ken Burns documentary.
They're like reading books. Me and my dad have been watching

(20:52):
the baseball Ken Burns film for almost a year on and off.
How long is it? It's it's like 20 hours long.
And I bet it feels shorter than John Carter.
It's. True.
Yeah, so then they go back to Earth.
Then they go back to Earth. Earth.

(21:14):
They go back to Earth. And Burroughs, Edgar Burroughs,
who I said wrote the book, playsa character in the film.
Did you catch that? No.
So. I I did not.
This is the part of the movie that I kind of like and I kind
of fuck with IS. Do you mean the ACT way?
Sorry, I would clarify. Yeah, please.
Are you saying, are you saying there's a character in the movie

(21:36):
who's named that Edward Burroughs?
It's not the man, right? Who wrote the book?
No, he's long gone. He's like 120.
Basically Junie, he's a corpse in the street.
Like, oh, it's like a perfect. Remember the There's a skeleton
they cut to in this movie? Cranston, Cranston Bryan
Cranston as in this film. Bill Hader in Night Museum too.

(21:59):
Yeah, he's like a custard guy. No, but Burroughs is a character
in the film. The author of the book is played
by Junie from Spy Kids. Oh, I got clocked.
That was his name. Yeah, so, well, there's more
nods to it towards the end of the film, but, you know, he
plays the young guy and he gets word that his uncle, his uncle

(22:21):
has passed away suddenly. His uncle Carter, John Carter.
So he's like, what the hell, My uncle's dead.
So then he's looking at all thisshit, and this is where it
becomes, like you said, shitty Indiana Jones.
Yeah, where the Butler's like your uncle was searching.
And it's like all this generic looking, like archaeological
finds around this office. I do kind of enjoy the Last

(22:43):
Crusade as the like setup of it.I was like, oh, this is kind of
fun. I thought we'd spend maybe a
little bit more time in the pastbecause the 1st 15 minutes is
maybe the most, yeah, the most. I'm engaged with it.
I, I really enjoy that's a period piece.
That's the reason I thought it was in like the 50s or 60s.
But like sitting in like the 1800s, nineteenth century, I was
like, Oh my God, this is like kind of a fun choice.

(23:03):
Yeah, the shitty Indiana Jones parts are better than the shitty
Star Wars parts. Absolutely, because they learn
more towards shitty prequel stuff.
I also, as we firmly establishedthis podcast, I love
shenanigans, love shenanigans. I think it's, I think it was, I
think what makes a good movie great.
We like shenanigans in our dailylives.
And this movie Bad Shenanigans gets a gets a thumbs down on the

(23:26):
shenanigans scale from Andrew. Well, it all stems from John
Carter Taylor Kitsch just being horribly miscast.
Not good. He kills the movie.
He's just like, not in the way that in the way that like, you
know, like a Joel Kinnaman. It's when I talked about who I
have a lot of love for. He's not.
Reverence. I say love.

(23:48):
Reverence for Joel Kinnaman he. He's better as a supporting
actor in the vein that actually even seen a lot of the post
X-Men Origins work of Taylor Kitsch.
But like he's not someone that Iwould want to see as a
supporting actor and he's not the one that I would want to see
as a leading actor. No, but he's done a lot of I was
curious what he's been up to a lot of like 8 episode shows on

(24:10):
Netflix and like HBO or whatever.
So he's working and he probably fits really well on those like
my daughter's missing and we need a lead detective.
Well, this lead detective is a troubled past.
He's enter Taylor Kitsch. He drinks.
Enter John Carter. He's doing like shots of whiskey
before going to talk to the parents.
Show me the body. Who do you think would have been
a better John Carter? Oh, I'm going to go with the

(24:33):
casting from last week and say Joseph Gordon Lovett.
He would. I mean he would have looked more
the part of like that 30s serial.
Kind of. John Carter with.
Slick back hair. Even the name Don John.
Yeah. As John Carter.
Don John Carter. Don John Carter.

(24:53):
Whoa. Don John Carter Don John Carter.
He's just like jerking off and everything on Barsun.
That's what that movie's about. Yeah, we're not just saying that
for those who don't know, Don John.
He's just like a sex addict. Yeah, it's good.
But he's always thirsty though, because it's Mars.
Yeah, we should mention once John Carter does go to Barsoom,

(25:18):
he kind of has like a Superman effect where once he's on the
Mars planet, he's something withthe gravity or whatever it is.
He has these heightened abilities.
So he has the ability to jump really high.
He says super strength. It's all.
And I think in my research this guy also inspired fucking

(25:40):
Superman. John Carter is everything.
I guess the other alien aspect of it, the leaping over a tall
building. It's him.
I feel like they used the Hulk of CGI they have with The
Avengers when he jumps because it's like it's like these same
exact. Well, no, because I was.
Handcrafted and jumping animation.

(26:02):
It's actually him being fucking thrown around on wires.
Really. Yeah, doesn't look like it.
So for each super jump that Taylor Kitsch performed, he was
attached to a harness that allowed him to freefall at a
speed of 80 mph. Kitsch.
Kitsch apparently found it quoteunpleasant.

(26:22):
No shit, that sounds fucking terrible.
Like huge rashes off that he's been dropped to 80 miles an
hour. He's changed.
Yeah. So you know, he wakes up on
Mars. Well, before we go back.
Let's go back to Edgar Burrows in the 1800s.
So they're like, your uncle is dead talking to the nephew, but

(26:46):
you know, he has this journal. So read this journal.
So then we get John Carter narration, and the whole movie
is framed within this journal. And you basically see him after
the Civil War. He's kind of driftless, and
that's when Bryan Cranston and his cavalry find him and they're
like Carter. That was a pretty good Cranston
just then. That was good.

(27:09):
Walter Carter. Carter, you're, you're coming
with us like, but these are union guys.
Yeah, I guess just US guys at that point.
Yeah, and this is my favorite bit of the movie where he just
keeps hitting Cranston in the face.
And oh, it's so good. And hard cuts like 3 times away
from like him in a new location.Yeah, there's a funny, like, I
guess match cut, yes, where he like jumps out of a window and

(27:32):
then he lands in a prison cell. Yeah, he's like, keeps hitting
Cranston. So Cranston's like all all like,
bruised and blowing by the end. And Cranston has, like we say,
he looks like custard. So he's got like a a blonde
mustache, blonde wig. Yeah, he looks cool.
I think the common one. Right on the tail end of.
Breaking Bad the same year Breaking Bad ends, I believe

(27:54):
we're 2013. Yeah.
But I'm comforted in this era ofCranston because like he's very
famous at this point. He's won like 5 Emmys.
He's come this era of like. He's in the Best Picture winner
of 2012. Argo.
We've come this era of like, showing up in like these big
movies in small parts because hehas John Carter, he has Argo, he
has what else, 2014 is Godzilla,where he plays the dad who dies.

(28:20):
Spoiler I haven't fucking seen that movie.
Who made that? Gareth Edwards.
Gareth Edwards, Yeah. But it's kind of great thing for
him because like Grant's, his movie career never really took
off in the way it should have because he's a fantastic actor.
But like what he has. Like why him?
The one where he's? Off the top of my head.

(28:41):
Why him? The one where he's paralyzed and
Kevin Hart's his aide, Nicole Kimmons, is white.
Oh. That's the That's the American
remake of The Foreign. Film.
Yeah. And like, is that all?
Yeah, yeah. Well, honestly, once you're
fucking Walter White, you don't have to do shit.
The greatest TV character of alltime.
Yeah, I think Jesse Pingman's better.

(29:04):
Really. Yeah, I don't.
I actually don't know if I believe that.
I just want to be different fromyou.
But yeah, this is like the peak kind of shitty Indiana Jones
part of the film. It's like a sweeping Western,
honestly. There's shots of this movie that
look freaking incredible where he's being chased on a horse
through the Utah desert. So last person.

(29:26):
And it looks like kind of like the, you know, the things he's
drawing from where it's like, OK, there's this Western on this
in this desert landscape. We're soon going to be on Mars,
which looks identical to Utah. They shot on location in Utah,
which I also give this movie a lot of credit for.
Even though there are these weird CGI animal things, a lot

(29:49):
of the stuff that shot like outside, quote UN quote on
Barsoom looks real, looks tactile.
Because they shot it in Utah. Yeah.
And it looks really cool, I think.
Yeah, I cannot. It's.
Just a bad script. This thought too though, like
where they like just when there is a lot of CGI, it looked

(30:12):
better at night and usually that's the opposite, like the
daytime stuff looks better and nighttime stuff looks worse
usually. But I was looking at like at
some of the shots where they're in Mars.
It's all CGI was like what? This looks like this so
unnatural. I guess it's unnatural Mars, but
I was like kind of just confusedby because night is harder,
right? Yeah.

(30:33):
Or used to be, I don't understand it is now.
I think night might be harder again because because I like the
Marvel stuff, a lot of it duringthe day.
Yeah, the Marvel stuff looks, I mean, they have a lot of the
Marvel stuff looks good. OK, we're not afraid to admit
it. Hope looks really good in end
game. He does look good in end game.

(30:56):
Fuck, so he's being chased around by General Custard and
fucking Cranston and they end upin a case standoff against some
Native Americans. Yeah, and I was like, this is
literally just a western and classic white guy.

(31:17):
White guy left off a shot kills one of the natives, all hell
breaks loose, John Carter runs away and Cranston actually gets
shot right. Yeah, he gets hit in the gut.
And John Carter is a good man. You know, he's he's war.
He's war weary, as I said. But he saves Cranston, brings

(31:38):
him into a cave. The Native Americans follow him.
They look really scared. They're really spooked.
They run away. John Carter's like, let me see
what this is all about. So he leaves The Cave and he
sees this like marking on The Cave, like it's carved out and
it looks like a sun, right? Yeah, and then one of the aliens
is there. Yeah, so he's.

(31:58):
Off guard. He stumbles into the fucking
cave and it's one of those bald guys we talked about, all those
Watcher guys, and is it Cranstonor is it John Carter?
I think John Carter fucking blows him away.
Yeah, he shoots him. Kills him.
Murders him in cold blood. Murders this guy.
My friend died today. He was bald and he's dead.

(32:18):
Killed by a Virginian Confederate.
A Virginian Confederate, but he has this.
The bald guy has a medallion. Yeah, like a glowing blue
medallion. Great.
So he grabs it. Maybe we'll keep that on you,
buddy dumbass. But does he say anything he must
say like the words? He does cuz then he teleports

(32:39):
there and he starts his jumping sequence.
Yeah, that's when John Carter gets teleported.
Mars blah blah blah. Yeah.
And then he kind of like lands there, He's jumping around and
then like. I thought that was a cool
sequence of him, like finding his footing.
Yeah, he's jumping around. It really works for me.
And that's where I was like, OK man, cuz up to that point
there's a cool like John Ford style western.
Then he's on Marge jumping around.

(33:00):
Yeah. And then he.
It's cool up to that point. Yeah, and then he sees the goo
goblins in the egg pods. Crazy freaking stuff with the
little hatchlings. I was really interested in that.
I was like, I'll show more of this.
Well, there's these like little baby aliens bursting out of
these little CGI eggs. It looks like garbage, but
you're kind of into it because they're like these chubby little
things and capture. He's like looking at them.

(33:23):
And then are they called? No, I'm sorry, the Martians are
called snarks, right? I I, I don't think any name that
we have said has been correct inthis episode.
We're not talking Carter expertshere, but Tharks.
The Martians are Tharks. Yeah, so then the kind of the
plot of the bald guys is that they want to take over Mars

(33:46):
because they've put let Dominic West in charge because he's
stupid, so they can control him and control the.
Colony. Yeah, he's a puppet, but he has
this pretty much infinite power that this fucking blue shit
holds. The 9th, The 9th, What is it?
The 9th power? The 9th I.

(34:08):
I also thought about that, but Icouldn't.
It was like, So what are the other eight then?
Like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they want him in charge.
He wants to marry the Princess who is the daughter of.
Serend. Heinz Stephen Wolf from Justice
League. And she's like independent.
She like, you know, she went to university.
She's like a scientist. But and then he's over there

(34:30):
with like, so there's the blue goblins.
There's the blue and the red. The blue and the red, and then
there's the green with the goo goblins.
And there's Willem Dafoe, and there's Thomas Hayden Church,
who I did not realize in this movie until I was like, that
sounds like Sandman. And then he dies.
And then there's a daughter. What?
Does Sandman say and no way home.

(34:51):
Oh. What does he say?
He used to quote that. What the hell was it?
He shows up, he's like. What is this place?
Yeah. With.
Earth dumbass. He's like, where am I?
What does he say? It's something like that.
It's so funny. I'm like, yeah, you're in.
I'm like, I'm like, you're in the woods, bro.
Like, I don't know, I figured itout.

(35:11):
Where am I? Where am I?
It's probably. Not Peter Parker.
It's not what he says. Peter Parker picked up.
Whatever, Peter. That was a good time to be
alive. Yeah, when the No Way Home
trailer dropped, I was happy things were OK.
Yeah, so then Willem Dafoe is like the king and the Thomas

(35:33):
Hayden Church is an evil goo goblin who wants to kill him.
And his daughter is a goo goblintoo, but people aren't allowed
to know that she's his daughter.Yeah, there's some weird thing
with the babies where the they can't know the parents of the
babies. Yeah, so pretty much they got to
figure out why John Card is here.
How's the how do they get him home?
So him, the Princess who gets captured during battle, and the

(35:56):
goo goblin who's a daughter go out and set off on their
journey. Yeah, they kind of branch off
and then this is kind of like the team you have, John Carter.
It's kind of a fun dynamic. I do kind of like them as a trio
because I like both of them morethan him.
Yeah, this was a cool part of the movie.
I mean, you had the Martian daughter, as we said.

(36:17):
Also, I was imagining a world where if John Carter was made in
the 60's, the Martians would have been kind of like the apes
in Planet. Oh, absolutely.
And it would have been really cool.
It would have had. Prosthetics, maybe, like people
in costumes as the Martians. Yeah, that would have been
awesome. You're also like, like, 10 feet

(36:37):
tall. Yeah.
And like the scale looks like weird in like every other shot.
It is weird. I like the I like the goo goblin
dog though. Woola.
Yeah, cool dog and I like the Super speed.
Yeah, it's so fast, the dog. The fastest dog I've ever.
Seen the dog just zips around. So here's my question for you.

(36:58):
Yeah, I have two questions. I have a 2 parter and this is
intense. OK, You ready?
Yeah. Do you think this will work
better as a Pixar movie? OK.
And why do you think so many of these Pixar directors have a
hard time being able to translate their visions into

(37:21):
live action? That's what I'm interested in
talking about. I have a lot of info for you.
Hit me with it. All right, so you asked if this
was a better, if this would be better as a Pixar film a la
Incredibles or something. Yeah, the Pixar is with people.
I think it would be really cool as an animated film for kids,
for fucking kids. Like this movie is like, it's

(37:43):
interesting because it came out in 2012.
We were in 4th grade. You and I probably should have
loved this movie, but I don't even.
I don't even see it. It's boring.
Did you see it? No, I didn't see it, no.
But my point is John Carter as AIP so valuable.
All about the IP. Also, Disney does not have the
John Carter IP anymore. It has sense reverted back to

(38:05):
the to the borough's estate and.No John Carter 2.
No John Carter Two. However, there were two sequels
planned. Of course it was going to be a
trilogy. There's always sequels planned.
And then it went on to become the biggest bomb of all time.
But you mentioned Pixar, the animated as if John Carter was

(38:26):
an animated film. Did you know John Carter was
actually technically like in production for nearly 70 years?
Did you know that? I did not know that.
So John Carter was actually going to be the first Disney
animated film before Snow White,one of the Looney Tunes.
That would have been awesome. One of the Looney Tunes

(38:49):
animators, I forget his name in the 30s, pitched it and you can
actually look it up online. There's some test footage of the
John Carter animated film from the 30s and it looks like the
old school Superman cartoons. Oh.
Yeah, like it looks awesome. And they have they have like the
four legged they have like the the creature they ride.

(39:09):
I don't know what it has some stupid name.
You could look it up, but it's like John Carter riding the guy.
Yeah, you mentioned that. He mentioned that and I could
not picture it in my. Head either I.
Literally image of what he was writing in my head.
Fuzzy. I watched it three days ago.
That's the thing that's I mean, that's the this movie is fun,

(39:29):
more fun to talk about than it is to watch.
Yeah, it's interesting. But I guess whatever it fell
through and it ended up not being made.
It was later. It later got revived in the late
80s, early 90s with John Mctiernan.
Oh, OK, Tiernan was going to make John Carter.
That's cool. Fell through.

(39:50):
I think Tom Cruise was going to be John Carter and Stanton was
like, this is like, this is honestly a story about Andrew
Stanton being like power like mad and mad with power and
making a really shitty movie. Yeah.
He was like, thanks, Tom, but I actually he's like, he's like,
I'm actually about to audition Taylor and I really like Taylor.

(40:12):
So I think we're going to go with Taylor Kitsch.
To be fair, Tom Cruise he is tooold for.
This, he was too old. But the fact that Stan was like,
we got a hot guy coming up namedTaylor Kitsch.
He just played Gambit and X-Men Origins Wolverine.
So you better buckle up, Tom. He's going to be the next big
thing. And I think at that moment, that
was when Tom Cruise was like, well, I'm going to.

(40:35):
That's when I'm going to become the ambassador of cinema.
And we become Jack Reacher. Honestly, he probably.
He pivots and does Jack Reacher.He's like, oh, it's a similar
name. John Carter, Jack Reacher.
One's on Mars. John Carter never go back or
whatever it is. But yeah, so it's interesting
that you mentioned this is a Pixar film because it's the

(40:56):
original. John Carter would have been the
first feature length film, whichactually makes a lot of sense
when you realize John Carter is Superman, John Carter is Star
Wars, John Carter is Dune, etcetera.
John. Carter is in all of us.
It really, it really is. You called, You called.
Who's that? Is that Congress?
Congress and John Carter, you back.

(41:17):
Call me Billbo Baggins. I'm actually going to change my
name for Billbo Baggins. I'm not going to change my name
to John Carter. I changed it to Billbo Baggins
and now I'm going back to John Carter.
Now that I know it's Superman clock head Sam, I got one
question for you. Yeah.
If I change my name to Bilbo Baggins, will you still call me
Superman? I can be a Superman Bilbo bag

(41:39):
Bilbo, Superman Baggins. I was doing that song where if I
don't know if you got it, will you still call me Superman?
That's a good song. It's a great song, better than
John Carter, you think? Johnny and the Carters.
Can I read you? Can I read you one of the jokes
they wrote down on my phone during this movie?
You were writing jokes while youwere watching this.

(41:59):
Yeah, very important film. Finding bori you.
Should have been writing for freaking Variety back in
2/20/12. Finding Bori.
John Carter sinks worse than Pluto.
No longer planet. Mars flops.
Mars attacks, but not the Tim Burton movie.

(42:20):
John Farter comes out of the butt.
Farter Butt. I am I Yeah.
Well, please keep talking about like the history of this movie
because I'm so not interested intalking about this plot.
Yeah. So what was your second
question? How come you think that?
Some of the directors, I think of Bradburg, who obviously hit
big with MI4, but like, you know, like Tomorrowland, which I

(42:41):
actually liked when I saw in theaters.
Tomorrowland is I wanna. Was considered to be.
I wanna. Step on my slate later in the
pod, but oops, oopsies. But yeah, but also, I feel like
most people can put that movie amiss.
It's a big scale, huge budget, huge bomb.
Stanton is right off the heels of Wally.
Wow. Which is the.

(43:01):
Only space you can do it. Which is the only Disney film in
the Criterion Collection, if that means anything to anybody.
But so he's. It doesn't.
Sorry, I think it's notable. Now it isn't this.
But so he's riding high. He also made Finding Nemo, which
is I like Finding Nemo more thanWally personally.

(43:22):
I would agree with that. I don't.
I never really. I only, I only have gone back
and seen Wally really since I saw it in theaters.
I know our buddy Nolan loves it,which makes a lot of sense.
It does. But he also likes Incredibles.
He's nine years old, Buddy Nolan.
Yeah, we've been about to park. The other day he was telling us

(43:43):
all about his favorite animated movie.
He loves Incredibles, but I think it is interesting because
these guys, they have so much control over the animated films.
They're in development for threeyears.
They're storyboarded to a tee because that's just what the
movie becomes. Yeah, and I was wondering if
that's also why this movie is boring and bad, is so well made,

(44:07):
incompetent, you know what I mean?
Like he probably did a lot of pre production for this.
And he, he knew he was good because he there's this quote of
him on set. He's talking to the the Pixar
guys and he's like calling them up.
Like we're literally like so good.
Like we're better than these live action crews.
Really. Yeah.
He's like shit talking. Well, that's a lot of talk for a

(44:29):
guy that's not made a live action movie since then.
And like we said, the biggest box office bomb of all time.
Fizzle, fizzle, fizzle, fizzle. That's John Carter.
But yeah, it's, it's it's a different muscle that they have

(44:53):
to flex as a director. And I think there's a bunch of
crazy shit with this movie. He for some reason they gave
him, I guess this is the last time Disney ever fucking did
this with the director. They gave him literally full
creative control. Wow.
Full creative control. He edited the trailer, which
apparently was a horrible fucking trailer.
They had none of the none of theaction was done, none of the CG

(45:16):
was done. And he was like, I'm not putting
unfinished stuff in the trailer.Also, I'm using Cashmere.
So what's that from song? And everyone was like, Are you
sure? Because it's an old song.
We're trying to appeal to the young audience.
He's like, no, we're putting cashmere in the trailer and it's
just going to be scenes of people talking because I'm not

(45:36):
putting unfinished footage in the trailer.
Wow. So it's a horrible first
trailer, Then there's a Super Bowl ad like a few months later,
same thing. C GS not done.
He's like, we're not putting unfinished stuff in the trailer.
Another bomb of a trailer. Studio wants to call it John
Carter from Mars. Which I also think is a better

(45:58):
title. They get back some research.
They're like, Mars doesn't really sell.
Remember, Mars needs moms. Yeah, they're like that movie
bomb too. And Mars attacks.
Mars Attacks. You know, like, maybe like John
Carter from the moon. So, but Stanton, like I said,
literally high off power being like no, no, no, John Carter.

(46:19):
These are going to show up. Yeah, like they're.
Going to show open masters for John Carter.
They're like, they don't need toknow he's from Mars.
They already know he's from. Mars they love him and Doc
Savage in the Shadow and Sherlock Holmes.
These are these are kids favorite.
They don't care about Superman. You say Mickey Mouse, I say John
Carter. So he's literally crazy and the

(46:42):
movie's a fucking disaster and it flops big time.
Also, it's like it's one of the most, it's one of the most
expensive movies ever made. I think I want to say with like
the marketing and everything, itwas close to 600 million.
Wow. And.
You got to think that that whoever, like, you know,
greenlit this movie on Monday after the weekend return was

(47:04):
walking out with their all theirshit in a cardboard box.
He resigned. Oh really?
He. Fucking resigned the guy.
I forget his name, but he he resigned.
I enjoyed it. He was humble about it.
He's like, yeah, this one's on me.
He's like, I'll just I'll. Take my job.
I'll. See myself out.
Take my job. I'm going to bassoon.
Bassoon. Bassoon.
But I also found this interesting article about John

(47:26):
Carter like 10 years after the release.
And it's like, you know, 10 years after John Carter, the
property being John Carter, the property that inspired Star Wars
and Avatar bombed. And now both those franchises
are in the Disney family. And Dune, well, one of the
Disney family, but it's in thriving.

(47:46):
Frames kind of think like, Oh myGod.
So they do this movie, which is kind of like original IP, like
untapped, and it's a complete fucking disaster.
And then they're like, oh shit, like let's just acquire Star
Wars, let's acquire Avatar Marvel and just do that shit.
And I was like, has there actually been like a really high

(48:08):
quality, you know, zeitgeist defining, original Disney thing
in the last 25 years? I guess it's Avatar, but Avatar
was owned by Fox at the time. And that's like a Jim Cameron.
That's a great question and are.You saying are you?
Saying now is Lilo and Stitch Snow White All these live.
Action things lone just also Disney, right?

(48:30):
Which one? Lone Ranger?
Yeah, I guess it's Pirates, but Pirates is based on a ride.
But still like that's kind of relatively like an original.
Thing, yes, but when the Piratesof the Caribbean breaks down at
Disney, the pirates don't. Don't eat their guests or
whatever, John. There will be a a a a dinosaurs

(48:53):
on this dinosaur tour, won't they?
Dino droppings. Droppings, that was that.
Was that was like half gold. We have Johnny Bravo John the
Rio Dinosaurs on this. Donos for poor Mama.
Don't you mean extinct? Well, this is Johnny Bravo from
Mars. Wow, that would sell.

(49:13):
I'm going to presume pretty Mamamore I look good on Mars.
I've never actually watched Johnny Bravo.
Why would he like an Elvis guy? Yeah, he's an Elvis guy.
His whole thing is like, he loves women, but also he's like
afraid of them. What?
So it's kind of like a funny. This is the cartoon for kids.
Yeah, he's like horny, but also like he is like, he is like no

(49:34):
actual like he's got no rizz. You know what it says?
Rizz. John Carter.
Johnny. I would like to I looked at him
in a few moments in the movie before you kind of sort of wrap
it up and talk about our thoughts.
Yeah, I just have one more. Question.
John Carter changed the film landscape, just not in the way
Disney intended to. It was the moment Disney became

(49:57):
the servant of shore bets and Hollywood realized star power
was truly gone. That was when we entered this
age of name recognition where familiar characters and
concepts, Jedi superheroes became Dory.
Dory became more worthy than anyactor's name, which is kind of,

(50:18):
I think, evocative of what our podcast is about.
Yeah. Of this period of like, well,
that's done now. No more movie.
Stars. No more movie stars.
Yeah, that's why we have Bill Camp.
You can say that they changed the landscape from green and
growing, and a lot of trees and vegetation too, as desolate and

(50:39):
dry as Mars itself. It's.
True. Also Mars sucks by the way.
It's ugly. I guess that's why they need
moms. I guess that's why they need
moms so badly. They need some moms.
I do wish this was more pulpy. It's very dry, no pun intended.

(51:00):
It's just like I wish it was more like schlocky, like how it
felt in the 1st 15 minutes. Yes, if it maintained that
momentum and that, you know, light on its feet.
I mean, there's a sequence halfway through the film where,
like we said, the team is just, like, drifting through the
planet, and it's like 15 minutesof them just, like wandering
Mars. And I'm like, oh, my God, like

(51:22):
this. Also, the book is not as act
one, Act two, Act 3. Sure.
The book is like a continuing story.
So Stanton kind of grabbed elements that he liked from all
the different stories, includingthat arena fight, which I think
is a highlight of the movie. Yeah, but it's so far into the

(51:42):
movie by the time it happens, you're like, please kill me with
a Dole Razor. Slowly.
I do have a question for you. Yeah.
When they talk about the white apes several times throughout
this movie, did you think that they were talking about the
humans? I was honestly confused what the
hell they were talking about. I thought they were talking
about John Carter the white ape.That's also what I thought.

(52:02):
And then this giant fucking skips looking, well, white ape
shows up and you're like, oh, it's a literal white ape.
Because because there's only thegoo goblins that say white apes.
I'm like, oh, they're like, you know, I'm like other being jerks
to John Carter. Yeah.
And then when they said white ape, I'm like, OK, they have
like some people hostage or going to fight them.
No, it's a forearmed giant whiteape.

(52:25):
Which also raises the question, why are all the creatures
forearms and the humans not? Because it's cool.
Yeah, I guess it's cool. Do you know it was fucking
awesome. Fucking.
Awesome. Maybe John Carter's really good,
actually. I also I like the sequence when
he gets kidnapped or not kidnapped.
He's like he's like sort of a capture, but like he's like he I

(52:47):
like there to rest because he kills like like like 200
soldiers, Which one? Which kind of a cool scene.
Yes, I knew he wasn't going to die because it's like, you know,
halfway through the movie. But then he gets kidnapped and
then he has to like, let's do a break out.
And he's like, you know, jumpingfrom one side of the ship to the

(53:08):
other. And that's the most for I was
like, oh, this could be kind of a fun chase.
And then it ends so quickly. Yeah, it's done.
It's a lot of just random scenes, which makes sense
because he just grabbed random stuff from the different stories
and. Still, we ride for the Danga.
Yeah, Willem Dafoe, as we said, is in the movie.
He's probably the best part. He gives a he, he gives a

(53:30):
genuinely good voice performance.
Yeah. I guess they knew each other
from Finding Nemo I guess. Oh, that's right, he plays.
I'm used to. Him.
Does he play? He plays that.
Spike or something? Scar, not scar.
Something like that though. Oh.
God, we're not good with names. It's interesting how the third
act of this movie is kind of like the third act of Shrek and

(53:51):
he's got to stop the wedding andshe's like, you're getting
great. Wow, it's like Shrek.
You can. Well, there's not like a.
Famous third act? Well.
I think of Shrek when I think oflike a Gill.
I think of Shrek where I think of a bride that doesn't that
like, you know, like is not happy about like marrying her

(54:12):
husband and the and kind of the stranger comes in and saves the
day. Not a stranger, but like, I mean
the strangers of the land. Yeah, I guess it's not like
Shrek that much. Shrek's good though, we love
Shrek. I do like how the guy is able to
transform shape and there's the two versions of her.
They don't really fight for thatlong.

(54:33):
No, they don't. No, she's very underwritten.
The Princess? Yeah, who's also a scientist.
Yeah Princess scientist and she's never really given
anything to do because like she falls in love with him and like
literally like 1 scene. I hate that.
And it also, it also just made like a pan too, in the same way

(54:53):
as Pam, where it's like, here's Tiger Lily.
She's a bad ass, but that's kindof like all she is.
There's there's no real like depth there beside her.
She's just like, she's a Princess, but she's also cool
kind of like, yeah, well, you like, you always like Princess
Leia, right. So.
You love Princess Leia. You love Princess Leia, you'll
love Tiger Lily and this girl. She's a cool design.

(55:14):
And I'm like then like have her fight the bald guy, fight the
bald guy and do like the two different.
Who's John? It's me.
John, it's me. Haven't fight you.
I have a cool scene for it. She has nothing.
She I was going to try and thinkof something, but no, she
doesn't. You know I like about this movie
though but like the ending. Yes.
It's really cool ending. The third act is not good, but

(55:35):
the very you're talking about the very ending.
Yes, Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
So they win, they win, they savethe day.
John becomes the hero of Mars and he wants to stay there.
He loves it. He's like this is my home.
Also there's this whole thread where I guess his wife and
daughter were killed in the civil.
War. Oh yeah, it's so boring.
And it's like a it's, you know, the whole movie's red because

(55:58):
it's like on Mars. But then they cut back to these
flashbacks and it's all cold andblue.
But also like, really like you're like dead wife and child.
Well, there's this weird moment where he's like, I was too late
once. I'm not going to let that happen
again. And then you get these abrupt
flashbacks as he's killing all these people and you're like.

(56:19):
Oh, OK. Yeah, OK.
John. I also thought maybe you could
have done like a mirror there with like his relationship with
his own daughter, like Willem Dafoe, because like he lost his
daughter and Willem Dafoe, like won't like identify his daughter
and like, is that your mind? Or I'm like, then why don't?
I thought there was even more todo with that relationship
between like her and her dad because it's kind of like
throughout, but nothing ever happens with it.

(56:40):
It's often times like it's mentioned.
Yeah, it's kind of just thrown in there.
Yeah. And I'm like, I'm like like do
like a fun father daughter storyand kind of like, so she never
gets anything to do either. I'm like make her like a general
now or something like that. Like give her, give her her
moment. Yeah, because you only know her
thing. She's just a fuck up.
Yeah. She just fuck shit up and they
do this crazy thing where they like they burn her, they like

(57:04):
brand her with like an eye burntlike an iron.
What the hell is? It an iron?
Yeah, an iron. And they're like she got, I
guess she got punished so many times that she's like covered in
these scars. And they're like, there's no
more room for any more scars. Yeah.
So like, you fuck up again and you're dead, we're going to kill

(57:26):
you. And it's like.
Oh, you, you. You just sent her to jail.
Barsoom is such a horrible. Place It's actually a hell on
earth. There's all these goo goblins
and white ants running around. John Carter's like baldness in
my. New home, I love it here.
Yeah, so he stays. So he's like, I want to stay
here. Just as he ducking does that,
one of the bald guys comes back and he's like Psych and sends

(57:49):
him back to earth. And then it's kind of like this.
Really cool. Sequence.
It's like an. Epilogue And he's back on Earth
and it's him over the next 15 years of his life and he's
trying to get back to Mars and that's when his nephew comes to
play because his nephew has to keep him alive and keep in the

(58:10):
tune because oh, we also didn't mention that when John goes to
when John goes to Mars. Like a copy?
He a copy of himself so so he wakes up, I guess I don't know
how long, probably years later. Yeah, 'cause when he comes back,
Cranston's in The Cave as a skeleton.
Yeah, and he's all like, cracky.He's he's ends up his bones

(58:33):
cracking and he's like dust on him.
And I was like, that was awesome, Yeah.
And then he kind of like crawls back to civilization.
And he mines The Cave, the gold,and then he gets his fortune.
He spends the next 13 years trying to, you know, you're
trying to get back. So the journal entry basically
ends with his nephew reading it.And John Carter's like, you have

(58:53):
to protect me, you have to protect my body because I know
those bald guys are going to be back and they're going to try
and kill me because they don't want me to go back to Mars.
So the nephew's like, oh, my God.
And the nephew goes to the tomb,opens the tomb to try and I
guess see his uncle's body. Or to see if he's alive still
because he's like, they may havegotten me seized yet.

(59:14):
Yeah, But yeah, there's like this cool moment where by the
time you're reading this, it maybe too late.
He's like, runs over to the tomband he's like, there's like some
Latin writing on top of the tomb.
And he's like, I have to put in my name.
And it's like, Ed, Ed's my name,Edgar.
So he goes like Ed. He's like, no, he never called
me Ed. He always called me Ned.

(59:37):
So he goes Ned and the tomb opens and there's been this guy
following him the whole time whoalso forgot to mention the bald
guys can shape shift. Yes.
So he's a bald man? So the bald guy reveals himself,
almost kills the nephew, but just as he does, John Carter
comes back and again kills. Like Jesus, he's back.

(59:57):
Kills another bald guy and he's like, thanks Ned.
All right, bye now and. You know what he says to him?
I thought maybe he'd pick up on this right before John Carter
goes back into the tomb and returns to Mars.
He looks at Ned and he's like gooff, fall in love.
Write a book. Write a book.
Yeah, he did say that, yeah. Write a book wink wink nudge

(01:00:20):
nudge cuz he's the author of thefucking thing.
I'd like it was rude of John Carter to kill an alien from his
nephew and then talk to him for 30 seconds and go back to his
tomb so he can send Bennis send himself back to Mars.
They're. Also like the same age.
Yeah, they're both like 30. It's.
Weird. And then, you know, he's sent
back to Mars and then the movie ends and it's like, well, you'll

(01:00:44):
have to see in the next film. And then it's like John Carter
and then second title Carter from Mars.
Of Mars. Whatever the hell is John Carter
Mars? And it ends and you're just
like, wow. What a waste of time.
What a way to go. You got any production facts or
Slate recommendation for me? I I thought we kind of ran.
Yeah, I kind of had the facts. I slotted them in.

(01:01:05):
I tried this out this episode asthey came up in discussion, I
just kind of threw them in. I thought it was good, yeah.
Hey, buddy. Hey Buddy.
Snow. Good job.
Oh, I fight, my hands sweaty. Problems sweaty.
John Carter is making me sweaty.I guess I have one thing or a
few you hit. Me with them.
So while filming at Big Water, which I think is where they

(01:01:25):
filmed, filmed that cool cave sequence, which looked really
cool when they were like riding that boat through the cavernous
Utah. Oh yeah.
Like that was real. That looked real.
The crew accidentally discovereda 60 foot long sauropod dinosaur
skeleton. Wow.
The state's Land Management Bureau took over.

(01:01:46):
The government handed it. Do not worry anybody.
I don't know if that's true, butlike I said, the rights of the
novels have since reverted back to the Edgar Rice Burroughs
estate, which is still game to try and turn the books into a
successful movie franchise. Should we do it?
That to me feels like it was written by an estate member.
Yeah, like right here, you know,the estate is like really into

(01:02:09):
the idea of it's still working out.
So I. Feel that's like the I feel
that's like the equivalent of like you're in 8th grade and you
like putting your close friend story like anybody want like
ATBH rate because like you know,your crush is on there.
Yeah, the Edgar Rice Bros estateaccount.
Is posting who up? Anybody want John Carter?

(01:02:30):
Who? Up who want Who wants to make
another John Carter movie that will flop?
And I've got 2 sweaty IMDb trivias.
Haven't got that Nerd roundup, everybody?
It's time for our famous segment, Nerd Roundup.
Nerd Roundup The movie's lead couple, Taylor Kitsch and Lynn
Collins, both starred in X-Men Origins Wolverine.

(01:02:54):
Oh. Kitsch's Gambit and Collins as
Kayla Silverfox, who I was hoping you would know.
Nope. OK.
No idea, No memory from that movie, no idea who that
character. Is all right.
Well, I, I typed this in. I was like, I hope Andrew knows
who the hell Kayla Silverfox. Nothing that I didn't like.
That actress though, I thought she was pretty good.

(01:03:16):
Her eyes actually blue because they were so blue that it made
me think it was a Dune thing. She actually has no eyes.
Those were all added in post. That's probably why this we lost
a lot of money. And that's why she's not in any
of the trailers because, well, he had to wait to the effect.
We're finished. I just imagine Stanton sitting
there like, no, we're not releasing the unfinished shots

(01:03:39):
and he literally like shot himself in the foot, that
decision. This trailer is all shots of
Utah. Well, it was like, again, one of
those things where it's like he thought he was hot shit.
And I'm just surprised because that never happens now.
It's always close. You out, Director of Nomadland?
Yeah. Getting put into this larger

(01:04:00):
machine. Machine Yeah, yeah, I also have,
I have a surprise segment for you that I want to surprise to
unveil on this episode. Let's hear it.
This segment's called to host ornot to host, OK.
The question for you is if we could have had a third 1/3 Co
host this podcast each week, each week, each week I want to

(01:04:24):
interview, you know, let's say the main character from the
movie. It's a question for you, Sam, is
would John Carter be a good third host for this podcast?
He would suck. He would suck so hard.
But what about me Sam? Me, John Carter.
Oh, oh, Bilbo Superman baggage. That's me.
That's a whole different story. I would love John Carter to join

(01:04:46):
us for the pod. Oh so you would endorse the fact
that he wants to ban same sex marriage?
Well, well, if we're talking. He's not stepping in foot in
this podcast, man. Get out of here man.
John, get out of here. He's.
Scurried away like Looney Tune style.
Oh my God, wait. I think that was, I think some

(01:05:07):
gangsters just pulled out front and they Tali Gundam.
But still, my beating heart. He's dead.
He's dead. You're dead, Bilbo.
Yeah. But imagine that fascinating
conversations that we could havewith John Carter as he talked
about 2015 sisters. And he goes, wow, that's really

(01:05:30):
awesome. I'm from Mars.
This reminds me of, well, this reminds me of Mars.
Mars. Oh, we call it Barsoom though.
We call it Barsoom, but we also have someone named Amy Poehler
there. She has four arms like
everything else. So he gets a, he gets a pass or
fail, and you're saying you don't want to hire John Carter
for the podcast? Not currently all.

(01:05:51):
Right, I'll tell him to go home.He's in the waiting room.
He's been waiting this whole time.
Yeah, yeah, this is really embarrassing.
He thought he had the job. He told everybody already.
Now this is the real John Carter.
This is not Taylor. Kit No, this is the real John
Carter, he said. Shelf warmers.
I'm from a hot planet. It it should be so easy to make
up the job. Oh, he listens.
Oh, he's been listening. He's been listening.

(01:06:12):
I mean, he probably this is his sweet spot.
He won a blank check, but he gotrejected.
From shelf warmers, Dang. So how about your Slate
recommendation? Yeah, I've got some John Carter
slate racks for you. We kind of touched on it
already, but I think Tomorrowland, it would be an
interesting slot as a kind of Pixar director who said Brad

(01:06:34):
Bird, yeah, you know, making a live action shelf warmer, I
think Tomorrowland. 'S also Tomorrowland.
Yeah, I like to do that. But again, a Disney movie very
similar, like you could almost make a whole slate of these kind
of 2010's Disney prod products where it's like a movie, kind
of. Yeah, but it's also this like

(01:06:56):
selling this thing that exists as a park.
Me like Tron Legacy, but people who like Tron Legacy.
Tron Legacy Lone Ranger. Also there's a crazy scene
jumping back where the Martians like shoot up all the babies.
Remember that. No.
They like break. They break the they, they like
the the little alien babies are hatching out of the eggs.

(01:07:20):
The Martian like gets above themand just like shoots them all.
OK. Oh.
My God, there's like some weird plot where it's like, well, I
had to do that because there's not enough resources and it's
like. There was and look, I'm not
perfect, OK, I'll admit it. There was, I would say 5
minutes. I zoned out on my phone and I

(01:07:42):
try not to go on my phone duringthese movies.
I think somebody texted me and Iwas like, oh, fucking John
Carter. And then I zoned out for like 5
minutes and I was like, what didI miss?
You probably missed that. And then I was like, I don't
have to go back. No, you can't go back.
No, I'm like, I can't. Like I can't go back and rewatch
5 minutes of John Carter. What?
Am I crazy? I don't have to watch Ken Burns.

(01:08:03):
I can't go back and watch 5 minutes of John Carter.
Yeah, the day you watch Ken Burns.
I will say watching the Ken Burns stock is kind of just like
white noise for texting. What if then like also after
rejected John Carter, he goes and makes like and like he
becomes the Ken Burns of Mars. So he makes, he makes.

(01:08:23):
Really cool docs about the history of Barsoom.
Yeah, I would watch those. Burroughs.
Edgar Rush Burroughs, the author.
Do you know what other characterhe created that is by far more
popular and. William S Burroughs.
Oh, the shadow Tarzan. Wow.

(01:08:45):
Hell yeah. That's cool.
You can kind of see some of thatin the design of John Carter in
this film. Shirtless man with long hair
fish out of water. Yep, this guy's got no original
ideas. So the film.
Next to me, George of the jungle.
What is George of the Jungle? That's.
It's like a parody of Tarzan I. Thought for some reason that was
like it's own serious thing, butI guess it's.

(01:09:06):
Not no. It's like a comedy.
He's stupid. Brandon Frazier.
Yeah, he slams in the watch out for that tree, but.
Oh I know the cartoon. Did the cartoon come out before
that? No idea.
I'm the that's a different. I'm the expert on George.
But the film I'm. Expert on John Carter.
You are after this I I have all the facts.

(01:09:27):
Honestly, I do know a lot about John Carter.
Now the movie I selected for theTarzan kind of entry is The
Legend of Tarzan. The dogs in the stars garden.
I have that on the list, which I've never seen as a shelf
warmer. I think it would be a shelf
warmer. Yeah, again, a Burrows
adaptation in the 20 tens like Imean, I just said similar shelf
warmer. Sam Jackson.

(01:09:49):
Margot Robbie. Yeah, watch the trailer, it
looks bad. Scratch got ripped for it.
Hell yeah it looks good, go for him.
And the last one I have here is Lynch's Dune, a similar kind of
bomb. Yeah, desert size.
That's a great pick man. That's it.
Those are the three. OK, Sam.
Well, like our bodies on Earth are starting to get pretty dusty

(01:10:10):
and pretty cracky, Bryan. Cranston is slowly to.
A producer bash is a skeleton, right?
Now. Yeah, exactly.
To us so you have the chance youcan send a you send a clone of
the Blu-ray of John Carter to bassoon or it's bar soon.
I keep forgetting the R to bar soon and it will live a full and

(01:10:33):
happy life under the Mars Suns sun.
This was one It's an art for oursystem.
It's not Tatooine. Or you can leave old and rickety
and dusty. 2012 yeah HD yeah. Blu-ray of John Carter to die

(01:10:53):
next to Confederate Bryan Cranston in a scary cave.
What are you doing with it? You know what?
You want to know what I'm doing it with it?
What are you doing with it? I'm taking that shit to Mars.
Once I get to Mars and I can have the ability to jump
extremely high and have super strength, I'm going to place the
Blu-ray on the ground in Mars. I'm going to jump up 50 stories,

(01:11:14):
slam my weight down into the Blu-ray, smashing it into 1000
pieces. I'm going to scoop them up, go
back to Earth, spread them kind of ceremoniously with some
intention, and then I'm going togo watch Star Wars and Indiana
Jones. I guess that's what Andrew
Stanon did. Boom, roasted.
Andrew Stanon. Andrew Stanon, if you're
listening Andrew Stan, you're officially on our shit list.

(01:11:36):
I want to say sorry because I love Finding Nemo and while he's
great. Yeah.
And you did Finding Dory a few years later.
Which I enjoyed starring O'Neill, Ed O'Neill and Ty
Burrell. Is he in Ozil?
No, he's a Muppet Most wanted. I could see I got those two
mixed up. There's a.
There's a few years where a Modern Family cast was huge.

(01:11:57):
That could be a good month. Muppets March.
No Modern Family. March, Modern Family March.
Yes, I love it. Well.
What would you do with it? The Blu-ray.
I would leave it in the dust andwatch it with her away.
Every thousand years I'd come back and I'd look at, wow,

(01:12:19):
physical media really does last,and then I would send my copy to
Mars and just have a good time. Well, yeah, what can you say?
I feel like I spent all my energy like trying to think of
the prompt but I didn't really have an answer to it.
Yeah, you. That was why.
So also you took the good one. The good one.

(01:12:41):
Yeah, because I can't jump if you jumped.
Were you going to jump on it? I was going to like throw it
with the sun. I was going to say, but you
you're already jumping. You got to jump on it.
If you have the ability to jump,you should jump.
I agree. John Carter.
Oh. My God, he's still alive.
Oh, oh, he's still alive. Send me to Mars.

(01:13:02):
Send me to Mars. Don't, don't, don't let me go
like Cranston. All right, Carter, I'm about to
go Falkland like one. I'll say, I'll say, send me to
Mars, boy. Carter We denied John Carter
from Mars, but we'd love if you just gave us a little goodbye to
the audience and play us out. Goodbye y'all, happy
Thanksgiving. Wait it's Easter.

(01:13:25):
Jesus Christ, my brain shutting down this.
Is going to be released in 2028,so it doesn't matter.
Goodbye, y'all. All right, this has been Andrew
Sam, peace out y'all. Thank you for listening to Shelf
Formers. New episodes drop every
Wednesday. You can follow us on social
media at Shelf Warmers Podcast where we can send us movies to

(01:13:48):
take off the shelf for future episodes.