The Lone Ranger (2013)

Awesome and Racist?

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Venture to the wild west in this week's episode featuring an unlikely yellow opponent. For a change of pace, Andrew and Sam disagree on something and debate on whether or not Johnny Depp gave a good performance. Will this film be left to pass on into the spirit world, or will it earn its Ranger badge and finally get off the shelf?

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Edited by: Sam Fenkel

Instagram: @shelfwarmers.podcast

YouTube: @ShelfWarmers

Next Week's Episode: Tomorrow Land

Episode Transcript

(00:03):
Despicable Me, a film that opened the same weekend as you
said, made $142 million opening.Weekend.
Wow. Compared to a budget of
76,000,000. So first weekend universal
illumination is like cha ching. We're good.
They're like BA na na. BA na na.

(00:25):
Disney is like fuck. We've just lost millions of
dollars. Also, we have to buy a billion
dollars worth of Star Wars. Welcome back to Shell Formers.
I'm Sam. And I'm Andrew.

(00:45):
This is the podcast where we watch and discuss movies from
roughly 2012 to 2020. Also known as the pump and dump
period of Hollywood. Not.
Exactly a golden age, but definitely time of high
fertility for Tinseltown. So far, in fact, that we did not
see many of the movies produced.So if they're good, bad or just
mad, we're going to cover it all.
If it's been sitting on the shelf, well, it's time to take

(01:06):
it down. And today we're covering 2013's
The Lone Ranger, starring such acclaimed actors.
Armie Hammer and Jonathan Depp. Directed by Gore Verbinski, who
I always thought was like some European director.
No, he's American, right? He's like so American, born in
Texas, like a country boy. I guess there probably is like

(01:28):
an intersection of like of like,you know, like Europe in Texas
that ends up with Gore Verbinski.
Gore. Verbinski.
Gore Verbinski. IO Silver.
Gore Verbinski, Kemosabe Gore Burbinski.
How? They're calling you Gore
Burbinski. Gore.
Gore. Imagine growing up Gore.

(01:49):
Gore, come here. Gore.
Gore take. That damn trash out, Gore, it's
me, John Carter, your father. Take that damn trash out.
That's right folks, it's live action Disney Slop Month.
Yes, some of the greatest flops of Disney's entire history.
Because honestly, they were kindof in a period of they're like,

(02:12):
what kind of this Marvel stuff works?
The Star Wars stuff works. We could do that.
We. Could do that and we own it too.
So why don't we try to do that same type of formula?
Big. Blockbusters.
We mentioned. It stuff iconic IPS, The Wizard
of Oz, The Lone Ranger, John Carter, our ride Tomorrowland.
Well, we kind of touched that last episode with John Carter.
But like, like you said before, Disney owned everything that

(02:35):
made, you know, all these sure bets.
You know, the short bet of Marvel, the short bet of Star
Wars. They did kind of have to rely on
either new Disney IP, which alsofailed in this time because they
were transitioning from the 2D animation to the new 3D, which
Pixar had kind of already mastered.

(02:56):
So then you end up with stuff like Wreck It Ralph, which is
fine. Yeah, fine.
Frozen, which is a national phenomenon, international
phenomenon. But have you ever watched Frozen
recently? It's been many years.
Does not hold up at all. Oh really?
I watched it like 6 months ago. You're like.
Well, also to be fair, we were kind of right on the edge of

(03:17):
like being too old for that. So I feel like maybe if you were
like a kid, you're like, that holds a special place in our
heart and the same way like the prequels do for us or something.
I mean, I remember being a kid and I guess in middle school and
thinking Frozen was good and letit go was everywhere.
I vividly remember my dad. He gave me the option of seeing
Frozen or Ender's Game, and I saw Ender's Game instead of

(03:40):
Frozen. That's the difference between
you and me. Yeah, Harrison Ford, baby.
Ender's Game might end up on this pod one day.
One day, Harrison Ford Month, he's got.
He's got a lot of shells. And for jewelry, yeah, you like
that. Right that down.
Right that down. Lock it in.
I do want to ask you a question too really quick.
I had this whole thing you'd like, you know, the plan for the

(04:02):
John Carter episode and I forgotas soon we started recording.
There was a quote from Olivia Rodrigo recently and she said
that, you know, when she goes ona first date, she likes to ask a
guy if he would like to go to space as like a first date
question would be kind of like agauge of him.
So this made a lot more sense for John Carter of Mars of Mars.

(04:23):
Don't forget the Mars space is important.
But I want to ask you, would yougo to space then?
And she gauges this and depending on the answer she will
it's make or break. Yeah, 'cause I think she's
fucking wrong on this too, 'cause she thinks men who want
to go to space are are a red flag.
Really. I don't.
Well, I mean. Well, 'cause I also think that

(04:44):
space has been ruined too. Like now it's like a now it's
like an insane person thing to go to space space when you got
like, you know, all these billionaires are sending people
out for 10. Minutes Katy Perry I didn't
realize it was such a short voyage. 10 minutes.
It's like King Dakar, but like just like one level above King
Dakar. And you love self an astronaut
too. You can't call yourself an

(05:04):
astronaut. Sorry ladies.
I guess I, I guess I didn't lookinto it too much because when I
heard Shatner went to space, I was like, damn.
Like Shatner was in space for what must have been six months.
Yeah, he he he the whole Star Trek.
Voyage up there? Yeah, but no.
No, but I do think it's like weird though now, like
especially like, you know, Elon Musk of Mars is like wants to go

(05:25):
there, like to breed. So like it, it is kind of like a
dorky thing now, like a crappy thing.
Like I want to go to space but like.
Remember The Martian? Remember when space meant
something? Do.
You remember when Ridley Scott was making movies about space?
Yeah, Ridley Scott, you know, hehas a lot of show formers
himself. He does.
He has show formers that predateour time frame just 'cause he's

(05:46):
been working so long. High output.
But then every like 10-15 years he just drops like a banger.
Last Duel's a banger which came out 2020 I think, so we can
cover that and that is very muchforgotten.
I've never seen it. Incredible movie.
Really, really good movie. But yeah, my final thoughts are,
look, life's short and I would go to space and I'm sorry,

(06:08):
Olivia, I'm sorry the lady's outthere, but but I'd do it.
I wouldn't, I'm too scared. Would you go to the Wild West
like if you had a time machine? Like Westworld?
Would you go to Westworld and what would you do?
I mean listen, this is. AI feel like defense to Olivia

(06:31):
but that's the better gauge on it.
I have the red flag for men. If you're listening, would.
You go to Westworld. Would you go to Westworld?
And give me your and give me your exact itinerary.
What's in all because? No matter what you do in
Westworld, it's not going to be good.
Unless you're talking to JeffreyWright.
Anthony Hopkins. That's a great Anthony Hopkins,

(06:52):
dude. I couldn't.
I don't think we sounded like Anthony Hopkins, Alec Baldwin.
But you know, working with Tony,working with Tony was great.
My kids would see Beetlejuice 3,Beetlejuice 2 and they hate it.
They said, Dad, I want to see, Iwant to see you back in
Beetlejuice 3. I want Tim to work with you

(07:13):
again. That's my Baldwin.
We love the Baldwin What's his brother with the podcast?
Steven. Steven has the podcast I.
Don't know there's like there's like 7 Baldwins.
We're the same as the Baldwin brothers.
I wish they were in The Lone Ranger.
It'd be awesome. That's Tonto.
That's. Tonto.

(07:34):
Yeah, and that's not the elephant in.
The Room. But as you were saying before,
you know, Disney, before they bought Star Wars, before they
bought Marvel, they were kind ofrelying on this strange IP.
So John Carter is this book character, comic character,
serial movie star of like the late 30s, early 40s.

(07:54):
But the same thing with The LoneRanger.
Lone Ranger starts on radio and then has a very successful
television program. Yeah, and book series too.
And book series, well, every movie that he's been in, I
think, has been kind. Of a failure yeah cause even in
the 80s it was like a 50 year old property yeah it it's it's
very odd to me because it's thisis a very I.

(08:16):
I did some research today. I know this whole bit too, where
I was going to be like, where I was going to like read a whole,
like I was going to read a wholebook in The Lone Ranger and do
all this crap and be like, yeah,like he's my actually, you know,
the guy who wrote The Lone Ranger with my grandfather.
And that was like, but I was like, I don't want to read a
Lone Ranger book you. Were going to read the whole
thing. I was going to do so much
research. I was going to watch the one

(08:38):
Lone Ranger movie that came out in like the.
In the 80s. No, there was one that came out
right after the show ended. Yeah, starred the same guy.
Yeah, oh, so like in. More.
This looks like a Batman 66. It was kind of cool.
Rewatch, rewatch time Batman series y'all.
But I didn't do the research andI thought about it more and I

(09:01):
was like, it's bizarre that thismovie is so close to the source
material because it is very close.
What is the appeal of that for Disney to make it as close as
possible? And also like, it's kind of
weird 'cause like these films like John Carter and The Lone
Ranger, do you think they would be more successful or they just
weren't like, you know, oh, likethis is John Carter and this is

(09:21):
The Lone Ranger. If it was just like a random
like cowboy movie directed by, projected by these people or
like a random sci-fi movie directed by Andrew Stannon, who
did John Carter, I already forget 'cause it was like, oh,
here's like his take on Mars. Like you think that would be
like a war? Like, you know, a unique and
well received thing. I don't know though, dude,
because I know that the public at large doesn't like this IP

(09:45):
stuff, this specific IP, like John Carter from Mars, The Lone
Ranger, the TV show from the 40s.
But for me, I do kind of buy into that.
Like I like looking back at the Wikipedia and seeing the black
and white pictures of The Lone Ranger.
I like seeing the old illustrations of John Carter.

(10:05):
I just wish the movies were good'cause if the movies were good,
if the movies were great, it'd be like, wow, John Carter,
justice for John Carter, like Lone Ranger done right.
Finally, Gore got it right. Yeah, but don't you think that
like when like people like, let's see an example, A guy born
in 1995 sees this movie as an 18year old.

(10:27):
Would you think he thinks of this movie and thinks of like in
in the same way like, you know, as like the Green Hornet or or
stuff like that? We're like, oh, that's the show
my dad watched. Like, that's not like a cool
thing for people. No, I guess not, but how do you
sell an original western? I guess you don't and I was
thinking about that too. Is this the last like huge
budget film to do a western? Maybe the Magnificent 7?

(10:51):
I was thinking about Magnificent7.
There was that movie you and I watched sophomore year, The
Harder they fall. Oh, the hard they fall.
Yeah, but that was a Netflix movie.
So the budget price still wasn't, like, insane.
And it was kind of this cost a lot of money.
Unremarkable. Yeah, it was good.
It kind of was the rise of Jonathan Majors right before the
fall of Jonathan Majors. Well, yeah, that's right.

(11:14):
He hosts SNL with Taylor Swift that fall, Yeah.
Who is? Speaking of cancelled, Speaking
of cancelled, this movie features 2 very cancelled stars.
Top shelf. Armie Hammer and Johnny Depp,
and one of them actually, I think it's good in this movie

(11:34):
and it's not Johnny Depp. I have the exact opposite take.
This is good podcasting. Someone's a Jack Sparrow fan, it
seems like. Let me tell you.
This one trick fucking pony Johnny Depp.
I know you have a relationship with the Pirates movies.
Oh, I'm a pirate's head. I'm a I'm a gore phobic y'all.
I'm a gore head. Let's get into it, because I

(11:58):
love the first Pirates film, Curse of the Black Pearl.
Yes, the first film. It's the best one, by all
accounts. Yeah, I did not watch the
sequels 'cause I think, really, I think I was a little scared of
Davy Jones. Oh yeah.
Bill Nike. You wet your pants.
Was he a squid guy? Well, that that's CGI on Oh,

(12:20):
incredible. Is it Davy Jones right?
It still looks. Good.
It's like the best CGI of all time.
And I love seeing the behind thescenes like videos where it's
like it looks like shit and thenthey they wipe one layer over it
and it looks perfect like Oh my God.
How do? They do it, but as a kid it
really scared the shit out of meso I didn't watch the sequels.
Yeah, he well in in three. He plays the organ with his

(12:43):
tentacles. He plays the organ with his
tentacles. I gotta watch.
That's why I saying, I know I kind of love this movie.
It it has this silliness of the Pirates movies in a really fun
way. Oh, it's hilarious, this movie.
Yeah, that's what my dad and I liked.
I watched this with my dad over 2 sittings 'cause it got late.

(13:04):
It it's long too, and. He fell asleep.
Do you want to know how I watched it?
I did my usual thing. I rented it on YouTube.
And what's interesting is all the YouTube rentals and all the
YouTube. So YouTube, if you're paying for
YouTube Premium, it has a fantastic selection of films.
That are free. SoC punk is on there right now.

(13:24):
I'm gonna watch that. Probably too late now, but watch
tomorrow night. Thinking about that all day.
But I looked and the comments are turned off for Lone Ranger.
It's the only movie so far out of the YouTube movies that I
that I bought and rented and I've I view that as the club is
turned off. That's kind of it's cool that

(13:44):
YouTube has like comments sections for movies that's you
don't really it's not as accessible as well.
Obviously watching a movie on Netflix or HBO, like there's no
there's no community like input right now.
Yeah, of the playback. Well, it's also all who you
think it is. It's all like, like a, you know,
like a, like a Ralph Cesarano 652 who doesn't have a profile

(14:09):
picture. He's like loved love the movie
I. Gotta be honest, this movie is
like one of the greatest films of all time.
John Carter. When I saw John Carter opening
weekend and it was pretty freaking awesome.
Love Johnny Depp, one of the best movie stars.
And then a year later, they comeout with The Lone Ranger, and I

(14:30):
figured Disney's on a roll. SIM What is the synopsis of this
movie? Oh yeah, We should probably talk
about that. So it's it's called a Lone
Ranger, based on the fictional cowboy of the same name.
And basically his sidekick is Tonto Tonto.

(14:52):
And Tonto is the narrator of theevents of the film.
In a bizarre framing device. Yeah, it's like Princess Bride.
This. Princess fight.
We're an old ass man tells a little boy's story.
Only instead of the lovable Peter Falk, it's Johnny Depp in
old makeup. It's scary ass Johnny Depp.
Scary ass Johnny Depp. Looking like a ball sack.

(15:15):
In a museum in 1933. Talking to a OK kid actor.
Yeah. What do you?
You forgot something. Wait a minute, no, Ranger would
never do that. And then there's a cool freeze
frame where they're like there's.
A cool freeze frame. The Lone Ranger and Tonto are
crashing through this bank and they're like flying in the air
and it freezes and the kids like.

(15:36):
Wait, wait, wait. Hold, Hold.
On a damn second, I feel. Like it reminds me of like, you
know, like all the kids in The Polar Express.
Yeah, Wait, wait, wait, Santa. 'S not going to like that.
Tonto's not going to like that. And then Tonto's frozen.
And then Tonto, like, looks at the camera.
I like all that stuff. I like that too.

(15:57):
But you know what it looks like?It looks like like in like one
of those AI videos for the person like you like, you know,
like keep moving after the videoends and like he like turns his
head. It looks like so strange.
That's creepy. I didn't know about that.
But Tonto is telling the story about, you know, how The Lone
Ranger came to be like it's it is an origin story and you can

(16:19):
tell that they wanted. Definitely the West.
You can tell they wanted a Lone Ranger too, yeah.
Which didn't happen, obviously, but it's these memories of the
duo's earliest efforts to subduelocal villainy and bring justice
to the American Old West. Yeah, and for The Lone Ranger to
shag his brother's wife. Oh yeah, a little Austin Powers

(16:42):
in there for you. Yeah, might be Lone Ranger too.
That should be. That would be awesome.
Mike Myers. Was the middle of this movie.
He'd be good. So this movie came out July 13th
2013. Do you know what movie it opened
against? I did look this up and it
actually unlocked a memory for me, but tell the audience.

(17:04):
Despicable Me two. Oh, I think Despicable Me.
I'm thinking of the wrong movie.What movie were you going to
say? I was thinking of Monsters
University OH, which came out that same summer.
Same summer, but I think it was a different weekend because the
same one as typical. Me too.
Because, you know, in terms of what I knew about the project,

(17:24):
why I didn't see it, I remember when I was in, when I had my
summers in Michigan, Sure. As we've discussed, I went to a
drive in theater and they were playing Monsters University and
The Lone Ranger. For Disney double feature.
Disney double feature and I distinctly remember having like

(17:45):
this almost like a fever dream of watching most of you in
Monsters University kind of shittily.
Sound sucks, Projection sucks. Movie sucks.
Oops. Is it bad?
Can't be great. I I don't really like it.
Again, late period. Yeah.
Pixar show formers Pixar song more than you care to admit.

(18:07):
Monsters or Monsters University,Brave Cars 2 Good Dinosaur Boom.
There's a whole month right there.
All stinkers. Bash take another note.
Actually, you know what? They're not stinkers.
I'm I don't remember Brave. I don't remember.
I don't remember Monster's University that well.
Cars 3 is probably a stinker. The Good Dinosaur I saw when I
was babysitting a kid and I was pissed off I had to watch Good
Dinosaur I. Thought good dinosaur had a good

(18:29):
reputation but all I hear nowadays is good dinosaur sucks.
I hate good dinosaur. Good Dinosaur is the worst movie
of all time. I heard The Good Dinosaur is a
bit of a bad boy. The bad dinosaur I've been
whistling a lot in this episode.I heard I heard he's a bit of a
Fonzie type. Yeah, slick back hair.

(18:50):
A jukebox. I'm the dinosaur.
I'm the Fonzie dinosaur. I almost told the same exact
story I've told the podcast before about how my mom saw
Henry with Corey and then she and she said hi and I like made
her. Made her.
Year night, yeah. But then the second movie was
Lone Ranger, and I remember it'sweird 'cause I was watching the

(19:12):
beginning of this film and I hadlike memories of watching it,
but it was because I fell asleepwhile I was watching it.
How long ago 12? 12 years ago, 12 years ago, I
remember the trailer. There's one shot on this where
they are like looking out like over like a yeah or like a
Canyon. And they like start to do like a
crawl, like to the edge of the there's a Cliff.

(19:33):
And I remember that shot very vividly in my head.
I don't know why. And.
This is another kind of thing, like when this film came out, we
were 1211 years old. 12, yeah. And kind of like how John Carter
was so Indiana Jones and Star Wars, like so is this movie.

(19:53):
And you'd think we would just get onto it and be like, Oh my
God, Lone Ranger changed my life.
But. What?
Do you think that is? Well.
Too old or? I mean, like, I think that we
were kind of at a weird age where this movie almost is like
too old for us 'cause I think, 'cause I think, like, I

(20:14):
remember, I remember, I rememberlike actively thinking like, why
is Johnny Depp look like that? Like, I remember like being
like, you know, like, kind of like being like a little bit
like turned away from his designand look in this movie, 'cause
like, you know, like Captain Jack Sparrow's a good Halloween
costume. Like I was him for like
Halloween when I was a kid. But like, but like, I didn't

(20:35):
want to be like, you know, Tontofor Halloween.
And I think I did see DespicableMe two opening weekend and I
remember enjoying it, but I alsowas a little bit too old for
that too. But a little bit too young for
Lone Ranger. We just couldn't find a place
where we fit in, I mean. Era.
It's the Marvel movies. This is the same.

(20:56):
Well, it's funny you mention theMarvel movies.
This is the era where I turn my back on Marvel.
For Iron Man 3, did I? Ever tell you about this?
No. For some reason I was so dumb as
a kid. I saw I saw Iron Man 3 in the
theater. I was like, that's it.
I was like, I saw Iron Man 3 andI was like, well, that's it for
me. And I didn't see Dark World.

(21:18):
I didn't see I. Didn't see Dark World.
I took like 6 months off and then I think I jumped back in
with Winter Soldier. OK, so you skipped one movie.
I skipped a bad one. But when you're a.
Kid like that's a lifetime. Yeah, yeah.
That's like a lifetime. So it felt like a year where I
was like, I'm I'm done with Marvel.
I definitely had a cut to us sitting together watching.

(21:39):
Thunderbolts opening weekend. Don't you mean the new Avengers?
A phrase I will say again in oneyear.
Hey guys, have you seen the new Avengers movie or what?
You mean Thunderbolts? Stupid.
I had a similar thing though with the Minions 'cause I've
ever seen difficult. Me too and being like.
I don't know how to quit you, you know?
Being like, being like, I think that's enough.

(22:00):
I didn't think enough of the Minions, and I didn't see the
Minions or ME3. Then I came back for that meme
trend where everyone went to thetheaters and saw the Minions.
The one featuring the last performance of Alan Arkin.
Yeah, The Rise of Grue. I saw that one in the theaters,
and then I thought, you know what?
I'm quite fond of these guys, Stewart and Bob and Kevin.

(22:24):
Well, you know. I like them.
Well, you know the reason why they did was it, is it 2 Minion
films? Yeah, they did.
The reason they did 2 Minion films after Despicable Me two
and two more Despicable Me films, right?
There's 4. Yeah, they're 4 now.

(22:44):
Is because Despicable Me, a filmthat opened the same weekend as
you said, made $142 million opening weekend.
Wow. Compared to a budget of
76,000,000. So first weekend universal
illumination is like cha ching. We're good.

(23:06):
They're like BA na na. BA na na.
Disney is like. Fuck we just lost millions of
dollars. Also, we have to buy a billion
dollars worth of Star Wars. How stupid do you think Disney
felt? How stupid you think they felt
when they opened a 70 year old IP against the minions.
You think? You think they were slamming

(23:27):
their heads on the desk after that?
Someone got fired. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Did they go full? Scotty Scotty Boogie Nights.
Fucking idiots like fucking LoneRanger.
Like a fucking. But I know it's fucking funny.

(23:50):
It's it's gone. It's gone.
It's what do we think of that? Not since Godfather 2.
Here's my here's my tagline for this movie Yeah, awesome and
racist. That that sounds actually awful
out of context. The the movie is awesome and it.
Is racist, awesome and race. It's not awesome.

(24:11):
It's it's not awesome racism. It's an awesome movie that is so
racist. It has it's problems.
It's like, 'cause I can't even speak on like, you know, like
the history and like what they're using in terms of Native
Americans, like, you know, like,and the Comanches because it's
just Johnny Depp as as, as Tonto.
So that kind of like invalidatesthe whole rest of the

(24:32):
conversation. We're like, no matter what, it's
coming from a place of inaccuracy.
Well, devastated, he believes hehas Native American ancestry.
I saw that. Possibly from a great
grandmother. He has said that he considered
the role a personal attempt to try and right the wrongs of the
past in reference to, I guess, how Native Americans have been

(24:52):
portrayed in the media. I'm really glad that we elected
him to do that for us. Yeah.
I also love that excuse. Like you could get away with
like so many things like match like of Tiger Lily, Lily Collin
Trepan was like, no, I think my great grandmother might have had
a little bit of Rooney Mara. Rooney Mara, the whitest woman

(25:13):
alive. Yeah, I think my, I think my
great grandmother might have hada little bit of native.
American. I like why it's phrased, too.
It's like devastated, he believes.
He's like, he's like, you can't call a man 'cause he's wrong.
I. Believe.
I said I, I said I believe. I believe I'm.
Pretty sure I can't. Don't quote me on this, I think

(25:34):
I have. OK?
It's just true. Yeah.
That being said, my dad and I were chuckling all the way
through this at DEP Good bits. He's.
Doing a Buster Keaton performance.
He's doing a Jack Sparrow. Impression and what do you mean
he's? Doing a Jack.
Sparrow And Who do you think? Who do you think, Jack?
Sparrow is, but OK, that's still.
Like you know, like 2 steps removed and like it's diluted
Buster Keaton like that's. Like that's like.

(25:56):
If you poured like, you know, like some Arnold Palmer, some
rushing Arnold Palmer, you poured into a cup.
Are you thirsty? I'm thirsty actually.
I'm thirsty. Do you want some water?
Yeah, Yeah. I'll get in a second because I'm
doing my thing. It's like, it's like, you know,
you pour some. OK, here's example.
You pour some ice tea into a cupand then you pour some lemonade.

(26:16):
And that's Jack Sparrow going from Buster Kings, the ice tea.
And then you just dump water in it.
And that's Tonto. And that's Tonto well.
Even my dad and I were. Pointing it out, we're like, OK,
he's making a funny face. He's being dumb doing this
Johnny Depp thing. Yeah, but it was weirdly, I
don't know, after all this time,it was kind of funny to watch.

(26:37):
Well, yeah, because he's not. Given a.
Good performance in 25 years now.
So you're like, OK, at least like he showed up for this, I
guess, Yeah. I will say.
This movie is a. Terrible grade.
Do you agree with that? It's it's like some of the.
Shots look pretty cool. Some do look, it's.
More so, this movie comes. Alive.
Completely in the second-half and the great looks way in the

(26:58):
second-half. But the first half is like very
like green, like in washed out in a way that it's only going
for a look. But like the Pirates movies do
have a washed outlook, but they also look so like just stunning
at this same time. Yeah.
They are good looking movies. I mean, Gore Verbinski, I
learned, was like a commercial director and then.
Got that? Mouse Hunt movie.

(27:20):
Oh yeah, with, like, Nathan Lane, Yeah, yeah, I had that on
my list. Must be good.
Yeah. But you were saying earlier in
the pod that you think Armie Hammer is does a good job of
this movie. Yeah, I don't like.
Armie Hammer as a person, Don't know him.
Don't. Don't really.
You know what I like about ArmieHammer.
I didn't think you did. I'm just clarifying.

(27:41):
You know what Andrew has stated He.
Believes he's not friends with Army Hammer.
I'm not 100% sure. But I could be, you know what,
you know, You know, my favorite thing about him is that video
post Instagram where he said he had to sell his truck and he's
just and he's just sad about histruck.
Is that recent? Yeah, oh geez.
And he? Watched a podcast.
He has a podcast. He's.

(28:03):
Got a podcast all right, so. We're on the same plane.
As Armie Hammer Baldwin. Brothers.
And. And the smartless guys and Bill
Maher. Yeah, Club random.
Club random. God damn, that's such a that's
such a great name for a podcast.I had that fucking.
Name. He was like.
Yeah, and club and it's random. Did you see that piece?

(28:24):
I was. Like that, Larry?
David wrote. Yeah, we made fun of him.
Oh. My God.
Hilarious. And he was like, hurt by it.
Oh. He's the most sensitive.
Guy, Yeah. I do think Armie Hammer is good
on this though. I do think he is he's.
A better version of. Taylor Kitsch.
I mean, I just kind of think of them in very two very similar,
you know, roles as like a young coven Comer.

(28:46):
I mean, Armie Hammer's good. I mean, social networking.
Call me by her name. He's a good actor and I think he
does. I think he does very solid work
in this. I've no complaints about him in
this movie. I just wasn't a.
Fan of, I don't know, like he's not Harrison Ford.
I don't think he's trying to be here.
He's watching Wayne. He's a loser in this movie.
He's a loser. Yeah.

(29:08):
Yeah, he never really gets. That even at the end when he's.
Saying the. Lines and they're.
Playing the song, that is. That's when like I was like into
the movie enough, but that was the moment when I was like, this
gets a like a letterbox Dun. Dun Dun, Dun.
Dun Dun and it cost the ham on the wide and when they play the

(29:28):
horse. Goes up.
I guess that's their version. Of fan service for those who
know The Lone Ranger, it got me it.
Got me really it serviced. Me the fan.
So yeah. So yes, the movie kind of starts
with like a Tonto. It starts in 1933.
San Francisco. Awesome.
And there's an awesome CGI shot of the Golden Gate Bridge being

(29:50):
built. Yeah.
Boom, I knew you were. Going to like that.
I knew you were going. To like that, yeah, it's like
CGI looks good looks, really. Good.
And it's like. A traveling fair.
And there's Tonto. As we said, he's talking to a
little boy, and it's kind of theframe, you know, that's kind of
like, you know, the story withinthe story, a ton of telling the

(30:11):
story. So we kind of go into the
longest first act of all time. Yeah.
It's like literally like an hour, right?
I like the beginning. I did not like the first act
See. I think it's just so
interesting. We should have, I guess we
should have watched this together.
But the opening is like, you know, the thrilling days of
yesteryear, which is the openingnarration of the original radio

(30:32):
show. And I like this 1933 opening
where it's like, already the OldWest is like a myth.
Yeah. Even though it's not that far
away now, we're so far away fromit.
But it's still, you know, part of our past.
Yeah. And I kind of like.
Him, you know, you think he might be a preacher in the

(30:53):
beginning. The Lone Ranger.
Yeah. He's like, well, I this is my
Bible. My good.
Book the Good Book. I like and it's like some social
scientist. Yeah, essay.
Book. I was John Locke, I think.
Yeah. And then also early on, we had
the first laugh at the movie where you know, he's you know,
he's he's staying on the train. He's riding in the town to see
his brother, who's a Texas Ranger and his former lover, his

(31:15):
brother's now wife and this little girl sitting in front of
the train and he drops. Her doll and he.
Goes to Tulsa, back to her, and he gets sucked out the train
window and starts sobbing. And that was my first laugh.
And I was like, oh, OK, so then.So then, so then.
He gets to town. We're kind.
Of getting in our set up time ofwe meet Tom Wilkinson, great
character actor that train. Tycoon rest in peace.

(31:38):
He looks great in this movie. Yeah, he looks.
Right at home there's some really good character.
Actors in the movie him Stephen Root Stephen Root shows up.
In the fourth quarter at the endand.
William Thickner, who was. In his era.
Playing like the villain movie. I think he was in Ninja Turtles
after this, so kind of the period where he could be like,

(32:00):
he could be a villain without having to have like a huge like,
you know, movie star. Also a memorable role in the.
Dark Knight, Yeah, Yeah, your. Friends are dead.
And he's awesome. In that overnight, yeah.
And it kind of set up here is that it's the same thing as the
original movie is that, you know, they go to ride out to
chase this outlaw like he was escaped custody and all the

(32:24):
Texas Rangers except for Dan or No, the brothers Dan Collins.
The one who double crosses them.No, I'm saying that.
Yes, So, you know, so one of theguys with double crosses, them
and this gang of villains, they kill all the Texas Rangers
except for our main guy. Yeah.

(32:46):
John Reed, The Lone Ranger, who gets brought back to life.
He's a spirit Walker, and he meets Tonto, and it kind of sets
up the story of him going out for revenge and justice.
Justice as The Lone Ranger. He's kind of this cool spirit
figure. Yeah.
Tonto's like. Like you can't die and.
Then he gets like shot. Or something.
He's like what? Like that?

(33:06):
This fucking hurts. Yeah.
He's like I said, you can't die.That doesn't mean you can't get
shot or something. Yeah.
And also kind of. Sets up like the love triangle,
the movie between him and his brother and his brother's wife,
who was his former, was his former lover.
And it's kind of The thing is Deadwood, like, I haven't seen
Deadwood, but that's kind of theopening thing like is you like,

(33:27):
you know, the first season, likeit's with the elephant that
comes to town, falls in love with somebody and then turns out
his brother has died. And his wife is.
Coming to Deadwood to be his newwife, because that's just what
you did back. I was just going to say that's
just. What it was, I mean, you only
you only. There were only so many people
around. We're both.
Young your husband's dead I lostmy brother let's marry yeah.

(33:51):
She moves on pretty quick in this movie though.
Real quick. He's been dead for.
Two days and. She's already like, is that
wrong, brother? She's like making out a horse
with them. Yeah, they're like.
Macking on each other as they'reriding like 50 miles an hour on
the horse. I like this actress.
I'm. I am blanking on her name too,
but I think she does a lot in a not like a great part.

(34:14):
Yeah, she. It's underwritten,
unfortunately. I do wonder.
Like, what is the point of riding a character this thin?
Like, they're like, OK, we have to have a love interest in the
movie, but you can't do anythinginteresting with her.
Like, and the and the fact that,like, she just exists to be

(34:35):
taken. Yeah.
And I'm like, oh, this character, like, is like,
interesting enough. Her husband's gone.
You know, she's her son she cares for.
She was in love with this guy atone point.
And then she's just like, like gone for half the movie and
she's taken half the movie. And the thing with her and Tom
Wilkinson is a real interesting,but she never gets her moment
against him. No.
And I'm like, oh. Like I just think there.

(34:56):
Was so much more to do and it's almost like almost like don't
have her in this movie if you'rejust not even going to use it,
right? Yeah, I know, I guess.
Also it's, you know. I, I, I am happy she got her.
I'm happy she got her bag. I think she's really good.
Well, she also has to. Carry around this, not carry,
but she has this son that's also.
In the movie. Oh yeah, he's boring.
Which? Takes a lot of the attention.

(35:16):
Yeah. What happened to my dad?
Yeah, there's a scene where. There's a scene where he's he's
the center of the whole movie for a few moments where he's
holding a gun and he's like, where's my dad?
Is my dad dead? Is my dad dead?
This also is closer. To John Carter than I kind of

(35:36):
thought it would be in terms of structure and vibes.
Yeah, it's true. We got our second of.
A general custard. Yeah, Barry.
Pepper, Garry. Pepper.
Yeah, Barry. Is Barry.
He's pretty good. Yeah, he's.
Fun I I like Cranston more though.
True, yeah. But I was.

(35:57):
Kind of saying this earlier a little bit.
But we need to fully get into it.
What is like the want to keep the source material so intact?
There's probably like a better origin they could have done for
this movie and done for these characters.
Like it like is it like happens like an hour?
In yeah, but like. Is.
It the same. Way that we view like superhero

(36:18):
origins and comic book origins. Like they were like, oh, we have
to get this right in terms of Lone Ranger and his mythos.
Like it's like, like it's sacred.
I don't know. To me, it's not sacred.
I'm like, how old was Corey Burbinski?
When the fucking Lone Ranger show came out, he probably
wasn't born. No, Yeah.
So like, is that like a mandate from Disney I?
Think they were. Trying.

(36:39):
Same with John Carter. They were trying to build a
franchise and it failed for the second time.
And then they're like, OK, well,let's just.
Buy existing franchises it. It is weird to me though that
this like failed and like is it a western thing I.

(36:59):
Think partially, I mean. The Western is a genre that.
Just does not have. The same cultural weight as it
once did in this country, because we're just not attached
to that way of storytelling, sure, but also the same way
that. Like the Pirates movies are old

(37:21):
and gross and grimy like in the period pieces and it's the same
director like in starring JohnnyDepp.
So in my mind that that would like you know the translate, but
then you might have heard it toowas the fact that this is right
after of Pirates 4, which was not as well, did you?
Even direct them no he he was the.
Producer on it, I think, but he didn't direct it.

(37:42):
Yeah, I. Just think there's always, you
know, Star Wars is a space western or whatever it is, like
the the framework of the westerngenre.
You still see it today. Sure.
Western in a city or western in with a Mandalorian, the.
Mandalorian. Right, but with his little son

(38:03):
Rogu. You almost.
Need to put it in Star Wars because I don't.
That'll work, yeah. In the same way now you think
like that. Like they can't make like a
straight up like he's a Stevie Carell.
Like, you know, he's a goofy guyand the comedy has to be here's
Bob Odenkirk and he's nobody, but also there's some jokes in
it. Yeah, right.
It's like. It's got to be a hat on a hat,

(38:26):
whatever that. Yeah, phrases.
People want high concept. Yeah.
People don't care about Tonto. Anymore, No, they don't.
Somebody say they just want to jump on it is that.
Something related to the lone range?
I have no idea. I.
Didn't come across that in my. Research, but maybe it's out

(38:46):
there. This movie was nominated.
For two Oscars? Let me guess.
Visual effects? Yep.
Hair and makeup? Bingo.
Boom. Halabana Carter also very good
in this. I was just going to say.
She's awesome. I love her gun leg.
Her brothel. Yeah, Which is which, I guess is

(39:08):
which I guess is the most sizelyscene.
Yeah, but good scene. Yeah, they show up to the
brothel. I found your cat.
He's good in that scene. He's good.
See. He's good.
Maybe he's good. Maybe I'm going to buy some arm
and hammer products. Yeah.
Does he see any? Of that I think he did at some.

(39:29):
Point, but I think he said he was cut off or something.
Are you joking? Nope, Armie Hammer, I've never
joked. Before Armie.
Hammer is part. Of arm and hammer.
Oh no. Like, genuinely, yeah, he is.
You're serious? Yeah, he's.
Like. He's like an heir to the fortune
or or he was at some point. And why the hell did they call?
Him Army. That's ridiculous.
Well, they didn't want to call him.
Navy Hammer. Air Force Hammer.

(39:52):
Wait, that's. Kind of a cool name.
Air Force Hammer. My name is Air.
Force hammer IO silver right Hi ho.
Silver, which is like the fanservice moment.
Oh, and they and they. Fucking undercut it.
It's cool. It is cool.
Sorry, I know. It's old, but it's cool.
Oh, I'll never say that again. Why are you being like self

(40:13):
referential? You're the lone.
Ranger. Be stoic, bro.
Yeah, he's like, oh, I. Don't.
I don't think I should really say that, but the.
Movie. Again, it's this IP that's old
as dirt and it's like not fully embracing it, but it does do
these kind of old. Fashioned things like the.
Stunts are very old school, veryold school, like the.

(40:35):
CGI looks great, but I. Think it looks great because
they're shooting on location, they're mixing, you know, green
screen with, you know, real plates and stuff.
So it looks it really. Does I mean?
The money is on the screen you're shooting on film, they're
shooting Panasonic. So wide.
It's the wide movie. It looks incredible.
Yeah, looks. Really.

(40:56):
Good. And that's also that's the gore
thing. He almost has the Spielberg.
He's not quite the Spielberg level blocking because like who
is? But like, he can really shoot an
action scene in a really fun wayand do and do these like really
fun set pieces where you are. Like geography wise, OK, we're
on training. Like, he's good at staging these
big sequences. Yeah.

(41:17):
Who else is? Who else is as good as
Spielberg? Like there's not many that are
able to do action as well as Spielberg as you watch all those
pirates movies and you're like damn, like gore is maybe like
the second best. He he got the second best, but
he's he's up there making. Sequences, yeah, in the way
that, you know, when they first made Raiders, it was like every
15 minutes has to be a new sequence, like a new thing.

(41:38):
Like he does kind of pick up that torch.
He's also. Really good at doing hench men,
like, you know, all the parts and we have great hench men and
it's movie. It's movie has good hench men
too. Yeah, it's movie has that one
guy. Who, what's his thing?
He like, carries around the little umbrella and he's likes
the makeup. Yeah, he's a little.

(42:00):
He's fun little. Fruity in the Old West.
Never heard a little fruity in the old.
West, yeah. Yeah, I also think the mask joke
is good and works. And then we laugh about the
movie, like when they go to the Comanches and he asks them the
perfect English. What's the mask for?
Whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that.

(42:22):
That got a laugh out of me, This.
Movie really comes alive for me as soon as they just kind of
execute the whole third act and it's just one huge set piece the
whole time of them. Like just running around and
music playing and just firing inthe trains and jumping from
train to train getting smacked around.
Like it really is so much fun. It gets crazy.
'Cause the bar for. This show, to be honest, as

(42:43):
we've watched some good and bad movies, is I wanna be, I wanna
be engaged and I wanna be entertained, and this did it for
me. Is that so much to ask for?
Yeah. And it ends in a great.
Like train way like they blow upa bridge and the train is
heading towards the bridge and it's like it's.
Just classic movie. Stuff, Yeah.

(43:05):
It is fine to me that the William Fichtner this movie
looks like Johnny Depp. Yeah, you almost.
Really. Did like an Alto Nights thing
where Johnny Depp plays Tonto and Butch.
I. I also got Tonto like his big
line is you are just another white man.
From Johnny Depp. You're just isn't.

(43:25):
He's like. Stupid white man, no.
No, no, I'm very sure. He just says.
He's like, I thought you were when to go, but I realize you're
just in a white man, which is just.
From a give. Me a white.
Man, yeah, it also is funny to me that him at the end looking
old and like a ball sack looks more like actual Johnny Depp.
I always think that. Too.

(43:46):
I was like, this looks more likehim.
Yeah. And shout.
Out to our best friend Stephen Root, because they're really fun
performance and then get shot inthe butt.
What does he say? I got I'm shot in the the
gluteus. Yeah, it's sort of.
Like rolling around the floor. And then later I somehow Tonto

(44:07):
and The Lone Ranger like fuck with the the gun, the rotating
gun. Oh yeah, and.
The Gatling gun. The Gatling gun and it like
turns and it just like like goesto the windows and walls.
Everyone's like getting shot in Ducky.
This movie is. Like.
Intense. Like it's bloody.
It's bloody. It's gory.
It's gritty, like, I definitely give it credit for that.

(44:30):
His brother Dan gets his heart. Cut out and you don't like see
it when you see the blood and heeats it.
Yeah. There's a cannibal in this
movie. Yeah, Oh.
Oh, and. It's fucking scary, yeah.
And then? Also Helena.
Bonham Carter, Did I see that right?
Yeah. Her leg is gone because the

(44:51):
William Fichtner character ate her leg, right?
I don't think I registered. That, but I think you're right.
So that's why she has this wooden.
Leg and she's like he's he's badnews like fuck that guy and then
yeah when we first meet her she's like talking in a normal
conversation. Meanwhile, she's like loading
and like cocking her leg. It's like, and then like her

(45:13):
heel pops out and it's like thisbarrel comes out and then she's
like blows up this with a table.Yeah.
It's also the best like. You know, outcome for having
your leg getting eaten. You get a gun leg, Yeah.
Gun leg, yeah. And in the end, The Lone Ranger.
Saves the day and you get some money offered to him like by the
railroad. And he's like to his.

(45:36):
He's like to his just former lover.
I can't stay. Why?
Yeah, Why not? Just stay, but you're fine.
But you can stay. So he was like, I'm gonna take
the mask off, boy. And he's like, not yet.
And then he walks out to the crowd and he has a conversation
from the whole entire crowd about about who he is.
I'm like Oh well they'll know who he is now, which I know is

(45:57):
like a nitpick but like stupid shit like that just kind of
bothers me sometimes. I.
Guess yeah. I mean, I handle goofiness, but
I'm. Like it, It'll play it.
Seriously. Like, think a little bit more
about it. Yeah, exactly.
Oh, and in the book end. This movie is stupid.
What is it? I wrote that.
Down on my notes and I thought you would remember, but
obviously I'm thinking of what it is right now.

(46:20):
What is the book end wait? Oh, like he disappears.
He disappears. Tanto like disappears like.
You know, yeah, he's. Like.
He's gone. He's.
Like I'll never take the mask. Off he's packing his bag.
Like I'm not asking. For like, you know, like it's
realism, but just stupid. Yeah, I thought it was just

(46:42):
stupid. It did nothing for me the
original script. 'Cause this first got announced
in the O2 A Jerry. Bruckheimer.
Production. All the best movies are in
production. For at least 10 years, 3
writers. 5. Directors.
Something's going right. That's when you know movies.
Are really going to be great. The original vision was.

(47:05):
Much. More, you know.
Sympathetic to the. Native American people.
And it had like this cool coyotesubplot.
Yeah, it's. Like cool mysticism.
Angle. That, I think, would have been
kind of cool. It is the first time that.
Tonto has been billed in a lone.Ranger.

(47:26):
Product aside from just The LoneRanger himself, this movie did
kind of have like a Heaven's Gate type production, like in
the press, like it was this. I mean, obviously we didn't know
about this at the time, but likeit was ripped apart and like
Bruckheimer was pissed 'cause hewas like these fucking negative
reviews were written like seven months before the movie even

(47:48):
came out. They're judging our movie based
on the production. Like the we made a wonderful
film, you know, and he produced obviously the pirates movies as
well. But it's kind of interesting to
think. About too in terms of like
Tonto, like would this movie Theget made if it wasn't for death?
I was thinking about that trial.I was like, well, he's build a
head of. Hammer, right?

(48:09):
But I'm like who? Do you?
I'm like, who do you get then toplay like, you know, The Lone
Ranger and then get like an unknown or known, like, you
know, the Native American actor to play Tonto?
That would have been the right, because to me that is.
The right move? Right.
Yeah, if they what? If OK, I know we were saying,
you know, this IP doesn't work, but if they were remaking The
Lone Ranger today, today, who doyou cast and they.

(48:30):
Cast an unknown native. American as Tonto.
And it's somebody like, great. It's like, oh fuck.
Like that's gonna be the next star and an existing star to
play. John Reed, The Lone Ranger.
Who would it be? Well, he's just a little hot.
On my mind, but the guy from Warfare and other reservation
dogs. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, D Pharaoh

(48:52):
Unai Tai gets. Saying that, right, But yeah,
somebody with some heat on them like a like a good.
Actor, no offense, yeah, I mean like offense to Johnny Depp like
like it's. She can show up and do a good
job. I know you loved it, but you're
wrong. I love what?
I said I know you love. This performance.
But you're wrong. It's good.
In the movie, he's hilarious. I don't think so.

(49:13):
I think you're wrong and stupid to say that, but who would you
cast today as John Reed? Oh.
Who's like our? It's like our guy right now.
Oh, I know. It's for the shell.
It is Glenn. Powell it's actually I.
Was going to say that. He'd be great.
He looks like a cowboy God. Should we just make it again

(49:34):
with? Those two, the Powell, yeah.
God, he'd be. He'd be really good at.
This actually, yeah, he'd be great.
Shit. God damn it, The Lone Ranger is
back. Lone Ranger.
Two, picking up where we left off, Glenn Powell, HYO Silver
But he's a little smug about it though.

(49:54):
Oh, I mean like he would sell that line though.
Hyo Silver. Oh, I'm never saying that again.
God. Really.
That. Didn't really work.
Yeah, and he'd laugh. About it and give.
His movie star smile. Here's a shitty Johnny Depp.
Trivia. Johnny.
Depp was two hours. Late to the script read through
because he wanted to read in full makeup and costume.

(50:18):
So I know he was a. Nightmare to.
Work with him. Waiting for two hours.
He shows up in makeup and it's like, OK, I'm ready now.
And they're like, OK, Johnny, you're.
Ready. He's like, oh, a trade.
Fair trade trade you give. Me. 6 bottles of wine and then
I'll read the script. Yeah.

(50:40):
Like the little. Kid, his best moment is he has
like a Bart Simpson little. What do you call those things?
Yeah, he says. Eat my shorts.
And. Tanto eats her shorts.
I thought I'm telling you, man, it's.
Hilarious. And he has.
I did. Like how he shot the he has a
little. Slingshot and then he, like, has
grapes and tanto, like, likes grapes.

(51:01):
Yeah. So he just eats grapes.
Yeah, yeah. And he shoots it at the general
custard. And then for a second, I'm like,
I'm like, oh, he's gonna shoot this kid in the face.
Yeah, do. You have any more facts?
I got a few I'll be with. Him.
One thing I do like about this movie is the technical aspects
of the film. I read about all the train work

(51:24):
that went into this movie. Lots of trains.
And I literally I couldn't even wrap my.
Head around some of it. It's like there are a few
crashes that look. Incredible.
Each of the two steam. Locomotives used in the film had
a pair of 1000 HP Cumin's dieselengines, and it's.
Tender that supplied. Power and movement and where
hydraulic hoses connected the engine to the tender.

(51:47):
Each train was operated. By a computer inside the cab,
but a real locomotive engineer also had to be in the cab to
control the brakes and override the computers in case of an
emergency. The smoke and steam were visual
effects. So this I mean when you're
working with this kind of money like you can really do some cool
ass shit. That is kind of what is cool to

(52:09):
me about it is like it is kind of like one step removed,
obviously a few steps from, you know, a young Spielberg like
filming a miniature train and like boom, a crash like Super 8.
Whatever it is to now, you have this excess of money, millions
of dollars, have a ball real. Trains.

(52:30):
Exploding they blew up a real bridge again the attention to
detail like the boys cap gun holster in the beginning in the
30s that's like period accurate Oh yeah it's.
Cool too. That's a little smoke coming
out, Yeah. 6 shooter. And obviously they're.
Shooting this in Monument Valleywhere they shot all the Ford

(52:52):
movies. So it is.
It is part of this lineage. Then again, Bruckheimer was he
still defends this movie. He's like, I think it's going to
be looked back on as a brave, wonderful film.
I don't know if they call it brave Jerry.
But I agree it's good. I've been through this a lot
with. Journalists we made, we made a
movie years ago called Flashdance and I remember 1

(53:14):
journalist giving us the worst of you ever.
Then about five years later we get this kind of love letter
that he totally missed it, that he loved the movie.
And it's the kind it's kind of the same with, you know, any
time it's on, you have to watch it.
It happens, you know? Yeah.
Well. Also well.
Here we are. We're in the Jerry well thing
you, you fail to realize is nobody watches anything on cable

(53:36):
anymore and nothing means anything anymore.
So there's no one's going to like proclaim this movie at this
point. Sorry, Jerry.
I want to talk about you pretty.Briefly, the few things like,
you know, like I like the Tom Wilkinson art arc as a villain.
He wants to control the railways.
He's also kind of in love with the Lone Ranger's lover too.

(53:58):
And he just like wants a family.Like he's very like a family.
He kind of wants to be. He's like an older man.
Obviously he's like 40 years older than this woman.
But I like this villain arc of like this lonely guy that is
filling his hole in his heart with money and power.
And as he say, it's a simple villain.
And he comes the henchman of theWilliam Fichter character, like

(54:19):
who's his brother, who then stated the back story of Tonto.
And when Tonto was younger, he sold his village out without
really knowing he was a child. And he and he what he and you
know, he led these guys like to a silver mine and they in order
to protect it, went back and killed his whole village.
And that kind of made like Tontocrazy.

(54:41):
And I do like that arc and that motivation for Tonto that he
can't really he can't really Alex even cope.
He doesn't really want to think about or deal with what.
What happened? Because of him.
So he's just going to kind of bein his own like, you know, like
on like fantasy state. And I think that I think that
actually like the arc for Tonto in this movie, like works pretty

(55:03):
well. It does.
It's just, I guess a lot of stuff happens, but it is a long
movie. It's long.
It's like 2 1/2 hours. But I think some of.
That does come from the very heavy first act, which I didn't,
you know, dislike, but it is. Yeah.
It's just a lot of. Nothing.

(55:24):
And like his brother's not really that important to the
plot. We spent, we spent a lot of time
with him and his brother. Yeah.
And I was just kind of like, OK,like I I want The Lone Ranger
stuff. We want this guy to not be such
a coward. Guns.
I haven't shot one in nine years.
And I was like, OK, we'll shoot one soon because I would like to
see that. It's funny saying.
Nine years, because this takes me to our typical Marvel sweaty

(55:47):
trivia. Is it our Nerd Watch special?
Edition Lone Ranger. Sweaty trivia.
The Lone Ranger comments. That he's that.
It has been nine years since he last fired again.
The movie was shot in 2012, nineyears since The Lone Ranger's
most recent television appearance.

(56:11):
I'm not sure. What that that's?
Actually like a cool fact. Though like, it's not like it's
not like again. Army Hammer was set to.
Play Batman and George Miller's Justice League.
Well, that's why. That's why it's.
Cool. It's like a Lone Ranger, sweaty.
Yeah. Yeah, Like, you know, that's
like a. 75 year old guy who likewrote that and then the other
one is. The original Lone Ranger radio
serials led to a spin off radio serial, The Green Hornet.

(56:35):
Oh, and he's the grandson. Of The Lone Ranger, right?
The title character's alter. Ego Brit Reed was John Reed's
great nephew. Tom Wilkinson appeared in the
remake of The Green Hornet. It's all connected.
The Green Hornet, The Green Hornet, Lone Ranger Cinematic
Universe, And that's all I got the.
The. GHLRCU, yeah.

(57:00):
I thought I. Briefly want to talk about.
What a movie star. Like, you know, John Depp was at
this time, he was fading. I think he was coming off the
the first four Pirates movie. That's what we said.
But he was still a massive star.Oh my God.
But I but I think it's kind of was the start of his decline.
As we kind of get you after this, we go to Mordecai.
Let me go into transcendence. That was called with where he's

(57:24):
where he's he's the Internet. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure we'll get
to both of. Those I'm sure we'll get to
Black Mass. Yeah, I'm sure.
You know, you can. Then that's kind of his comeback
again. And he kind of goes back to
Pirates, and that's kind of his last big thing 'cause that
movie's a trouble production. He's late all the time, he's
drunk all the time, that movie set.
And then which one after Pirates5?

(57:46):
Yeah, yeah, like a huge mass of production.
What's that one called? Dead men tell no.
Tales, you know, it's just. Constantly unlocking memories on
this pod as we talk I. Remember why I didn't.
Watch the fucking pirates moviescause back in the day I had
Netflix DVD subscription so I had.

(58:10):
DVDs delivered. To my house and it was like the
best three years of my life especially.
When I hijacked. My queue and my mom's like Sam.
You can't just add whatever. You want to the queue?
I was like, mom, I'm getting taxi driver.
I forgot about that. I'm like 14.
Years old. I'm like, man, taxi driver is
coming in the mail. There's nothing.

(58:32):
We can do about it. I will watch Gilmore Girls so.
Yeah, there was. Like that's, that's funny.
Like there. Would be like TV show discs in
there. Smallville, I'm like.
I watch a lot of Smallville. Don't clog up the queue.
With TV shows, Honey, honey, I'm.
Not Office. I'm not interested in Jim and
Pan. I'm not interested in Travis
Bickle. Give me Travis Bickle dirt, but

(58:54):
I. Remember, Cause you know, I was
older at that point, but I was still young enough to like
really enjoy the Pirates movies in like a kind of a fun way.
And I hadn't. Seen the sequels because I was
too scary when I was younger so I got a little bit older and I
was like let me do this, the sequels.
So I got the first movie in the mail and I was like OK great,

(59:15):
I'll order the second one. Little do I know I ordered the
fucking 4th 1. Oh, I'm stranger.
Tithes and I'm watching that like.
It's the second one. So I'm like, where the hell is
Orlando Bloom? Where is Keira Knightley?
And I'm like, why is Captain Barbosa?
He died in the first one and nowhe's in the military.
So I'm like watching this and I'm.

(59:36):
Like this is kind of cool. Like this is kind of
interesting. It's it's it's kind.
Of good I think the 4th 1:00 butthen once I figured out I
wasn't. Watching the second one and the
fourth one, I got so like, I guess embarrassed and frustrated
with myself that I just dropped off.
I dropped the whole. Franchise.
I kind of like the 4th. One has Ian McShane as
Blackbeard. Yeah.
And then the love interest is penélope Cruz.

(59:58):
Captain Marbosa's back, so his Gibbs and his mermaids.
I know. Is there a scene where?
She's dressed up like him. Yeah, do this thing like that.
That's towards the beginning, yeah.
'Cause that happens and I'm justlike, this is the fucking second
movie they're opening it with. This.
Yeah, or she's impersonating. Him, I think, yeah, 'cause she
wants to start a career or whatever.
So she's like, I'm Jack Sparrow.Yeah.

(01:00:20):
Interesting. I had the second movie.
I remember I bought it from Blockbuster.
My mom knew. I liked it so much.
I rented it so many times that she just bought it from
Blockbuster. She was like, whatever, like
I'll pay whatever. I had AI, had a few.
Blockbuster owned discs with thewith the.
Different. Plastic ice.

(01:00:42):
I miss blockbuster. I'm not to be like a in my day.
We used to we used to drink fromthe hose and and go right to
Blockbuster, but like. We didn't wash our hands.
And we went to Blockbuster and our mom called us home.
At 8:00 every night from Blockbuster.
Yeah, I mean Blockbuster. There was a blockbuster right
across from my freaking house. Really.

(01:01:03):
That's awesome. So that's like my origin story.
My dad would take us to Friendly's.
For dinner. And then there was a Blockbuster
right next door, so we walked in.
That's so awesome. And he would pick out movies,
so. He's the one who?
Was like, you're going to watch Raiders, you're going to watch
Star Wars. Yeah.

(01:01:24):
That's like, that's like. 90% ofdad's job just be like, here's
my movie taste and then you can kind of like go on for the rest
of album. Yeah, and.
Now it's like, now it's like we can't even talk, you know?
Like I'm, I'm talking about. I'm talking about.
Tinder, he's talking about time to go to bed.

(01:01:46):
You got any slate? Records for me.
I went 2. Different ways.
And I thought this was kind of acooler way.
And originally I was like, oh, like Western bombs.
So I was like wow, wow W Jonah Hex wow wow Wiki West.
No. So I.
Was like, let me pick 3 movies I've seen and I like and it just

(01:02:10):
so happens the three films I selected are all 30 years apart
from each other. Oh cool, so starting in 1926,
we've got. The General.
The Buster Keaton movie Oh, never seen?
So this is like classic. Black and white silent comedy,

(01:02:30):
lots of train gags. The third act of the General is
very similar to the third act ofThe Lone Ranger.
And as I stated, I think I have a more of a reverence for
Tonto's performance because he is riffing on Buster Keaton.
Sure. Flash forward 30 years.
John Ford's The Searchers Good movie which a.

(01:02:53):
Lot of that movie. Crazy take, good movie.
I mean, that movie's in everything.
But it's also obviously in here in the Monument Valley stuff,
the scene where the wife is in the car, not the car.
The scene with. The whites in the Ford F1. 50 it
becomes. Back to the Future 3 when

(01:03:16):
they're like invaded, they're looking through the window one
second. I, I'm gonna pause the slate,
but I want you guys to go into YouTube and look up Back to the
Future 3, the creepy kid, and just watch them.
There's a shot at the end of themovie where they're on the time
travelling train and the son of Doc Brown were the two sons, the

(01:03:37):
motions at his penis. And it's a terrifying thing to
watch because he's in fact a creepy kid.
And it's in the final film. It's in the cut.
He's a he's a weird little smileand it's very unsettling.
Add your third Slate recommendation and 3rd.
And finally, The Princess Bride.Oh great.
Oh, because the. Framing which has the same.

(01:03:57):
Frame story. And I mean.
Obviously The Princess Bride as we've.
Seen today. It has like a timeless quality,
so good that I think have fun storming the castle.
Yeah, like this movie. Wishes it had, I don't know but.
That's my slate. That's a good story. 30 years

(01:04:18):
aparts. I don't.
Know. Hey.
Man, it's not. It's not insignificant.
Yeah, that they're 30 years apart.
I am. Now just thinking about the.
Feeling of going to a blockbuster now and like how how
much I actually do like, you know, like have right, Like I
don't really think I cared aboutthat.
I like, you know, like like wentthrough a lot when I was growing

(01:04:40):
up. It's not something I like
thought about versus like streaming stuff like that.
And that was like really was like an awesome thing to go to
blockbuster and just to browse and browse and browse and pick
up the DVD case. Well, now it's a AS.
As I'm thinking about it now, it's like I remember doing that
and I was like all in on like the Spider Man cartoons 'cause
they used to do like the compilations where it would be

(01:05:00):
like a Spider Man, the animated series.
But it would be like 6. Episodes on one disc from season
1 or whatever or. Six from Season 2.
But now it's like. Think of all the movies we now
know and. Grabbing those.
DVDs and being like, oh, shit, like they have this movie from
the 60s that we love, but obviously we didn't know that in

(01:05:22):
2010. Yeah.
But yeah, should have. Would have.
Could have. I guess well.
You know we're about to give ourour final rating on The Lone
Ranger, but before that, are youup for a game?
I love games A. Little.
A little. Fun.
A little bit of trivia for you. OK, so I actually have to go

(01:05:44):
away really quick, but there's somebody here who would like to,
who would like to ask you some questions.
OK. Yeah, later.
Bye, Andrew. He ran, comrade.
Fenkel. Whoa, thank you very much.
For having me on your program. I'm a very.
Fond. Of shelf warming he's in our

(01:06:04):
cold winters. We dismantle our shelf and use
them as a firewood. We're using a pre the following
of Berlin Wall for the for the logic for today.
So that is my vibe. My name is comrade, Comrade
Tonto Oh. Tonto my.
My father. Was very big fan of Lone Ranger.

(01:06:25):
Oh, so you were named after? Tonto, my name is Tonto Kim.
Wasabi blood blood blood I actually.
I. Yeah, no, yeah, that's that.
That's very common. Russian last name Blood.
Blood. That's awesome, man.
So. What is your?
Do you have a relationship with The Lone Ranger IP?
Oh yes, I watched it. Every Saturday it was like with,

(01:06:46):
you know, the Wheaties and the Wheaties and The Lone Ranger
with the little with the, with the the heroes on the back of
the windy bugs. I I just love thunderbolts.
It's wonderful movie. Wonderful movie.
You saw what? Thunderbolt?
Oh, are you? Sure.
So I I saw the new Avengers movie.
You see that too? Yeah, Can't wait for.
Avengers. Doomsday.

(01:07:07):
So did you. Did you watch?
This movie I did, I did. I did and I was inspired by one
of its stars. So this is this is This is why
I'm here today to ask about thissurvey.
OK, please. The Russian government is
looking for rebrand. They finally abandoned the
iconic iconography that brought our motherland so much glory and
pride. The hammer and sickle, my

(01:07:28):
friend, like comrade. They are that they are done.
We are we we don't want it anymore.
They are masculine in a boring way, like a like a like a
Harley-Davidson. We got to bury him.
We. Got to take him out.
We got to like, we got to take him out like the family dog on a
walk today. Russia puts the star on the
gummy this leg first. And no stars.

(01:07:51):
Shine brighter than these two men, our new Insignia.
You ready? Our new faces on Mother Russia,
our new nation's pride, Hammer and Siskel.
Army Hammer starter of. The incredible movie.
My favorite movie. Lone Ranger very sad because he
could not get his twin brother from the Facebook network.

(01:08:11):
We, we also wanted him to. We, we, we just wanted both of
them. Yeah.
We just wanted both of them. So instead, we settled for
renowned film critic Gene Siskel.
All right, as other brand ambassador.
I I think I'm slipping in the groove a little bit.
All that Despicable Me two. Were you in the green room
listening to the episodes? The word Bob Gavin I love.
Those guys, it's. Going to be too.

(01:08:33):
I saw that. I saw them both opening weekend
so. We.
Got Armie Hammer? And Gene Siskel, yes, on the fly
as the two. As the two the two faces of
Mother Russia. So I'm going to ask you some
quotes from both of them. I know it's a survey for you and
your podcast listeners. I'm just going to gauge your
familiarity with these two men, see how viable and, and and for

(01:08:54):
dial this ID is. OK, OK, Comrade Fenkel, Right on
right. I'm going.
To say many quotes I need you tosay Hammer or Cisco for whoever
the quotes for. Whoever the quote is.
Attributed to OK OK, I love art.I used to have a painting of
Gorbachev that was given to my family by Gorbachev.

(01:09:16):
Hammer or Cisco? What?
Cisco. Incorrect hammer.
No. You remember Harman Hammer?
Yeah, you. Remember the callback from?
This is hard. Yep.
OK, do things are not debatable.Eroticism in comedy, if you
don't think it's sexy or funny, there's no way I can change your

(01:09:36):
mind. Got to be Cisco.
Correct Gene. Cisco, Gene.
Cisco One. Point.
For. Gene Cisco.
Oh, that. Comes from 70s yes.
Next quote. There is a point when a personal
opinion shades off into an errorof fact.

(01:09:57):
Well, can you repeat? That there is a point.
When a personal opinion shades off into an error of fact,
that's. So critical or hammer?
I don't even know what that. Means it's one.
Of the things we want to put on our flags, we're testing out
some some new quotes. Can you say it one more?
Time. There is a point when the.

(01:10:18):
Personal opinion shades off intoan error of fact Hammer.
Gene Siskel. Come on, he's talking about the
opinions on movies. OK, OK, OK.
I'd like to see the Japanese take on the club sandwich.
I made it smaller and more efficient.

(01:10:40):
Where the fuck did you find these quotes?
Hammer this one's. Actually from Mart.
Simpson. We're trying out a few.
We're trying out a few other icons.
Mart. You remember, you remember her.
You remember her as a sexy mom from The Simpsons.
We love we we love The Simpsons here.
We love Simpsons and Lone Ranger.
That's great, man. OK.
Yeah, we, we, we just. Wanted some backup options in

(01:11:02):
case Cisco and the. Cisco Estate is not into it,
maybe. No.
Yeah, he's also dead. So.
And martyrs forever. OK, next quote I had the.
Most. Guilty.
Abusive relationship with McDonald's.
Left to my own devices, I'd probably eat 4 Big Macs a week.

(01:11:22):
Whoa, Siskel or hammer? Hammer or Siskel hammer?
Siskel. Hammer correct?
All right. OK.
Almost done, Almost done. Got a couple more.
OK, not. Sure of my place.
In the world, still up for debate and not sure what I

(01:11:43):
wanted to do with my life. Not really up for debate.
Hammer. Hammer.
Damn. Is that recent?
Yeah, I think. He said it was podcast.
All right, last one I have. Been used for a.
Purpose And there will be certain tragic occurrence
happening if you don't take my testimony and somehow vindicate

(01:12:05):
me, me so my people don't sufferbecause what of what I have
done? I have been used for.
A purpose and there will be a certain logic or sorry, sorry, I
have been used for a purpose andthere will be a certain tragic
occurrence happening if you don't take my testimony and

(01:12:25):
somehow vindicate me so my people don't suffer because of
what I have done. That must be hammer.
It's. Actually it's it's actually it's
from our other backup source, Jack Ruby.
Our dear friend Jack. Jack Ruby, the.
Mobster who shot Leo Oswald, Whoshot that dirty, that dirty

(01:12:48):
Defector Leo RE Oswald. So it looks like based on these
options, we're going with Marge Simpson and Gene Siskel.
OK, as a new as a new icon, I like that.
As a new Russian. Ambassadors.
Cool. All right, Tonto.
I'm Oh yeah, Tonto. Tonto OK, I'm going to go back
to Mother Russia, Send Andrew back.
In. I came back as soon as you

(01:13:11):
called. That guy was.
Crazy. Yeah.
I, I Yeah. He was.
Talking to you. He's talking to you all about
like Jack Ruby, but he was in the waiting room with the
podcast studio. I like Jack Ruby.
But he mentioned like, well anyway, I'm sure.
I'll listen. Yeah, you know what?
Listen to the. Episode when it airs in six

(01:13:33):
years, so. Sam Yeah, man, now that we watch
The Lone Ranger, Yeah. The question is, would you pick
up the dusty, bloody Texas Ranger badge off the shelf?
Would you bury it with your fallen Rangers?
I would take it off. The shelf I would take.

(01:13:55):
Out the. Disk I'd.
Smash it. With a bunch of bird feed, I'd
close it up and put it back on the shelf.
So the next time I think maybe Ishould rewatch The Lone Ranger,
I open it up and there's bird feed.
Yeah, I would. I would sell out my tribe for a
Lone Ranger DVD for Blockbuster.I absolutely would.

(01:14:21):
It has the energy of the Piratesmovies.
It has some fun performance. It has some fun running gangs, A
dynamic third act, a great Johnny Depp.
Performance a shitty Johnny. Depp.
Performance. A great Armie Hammer
performance. It was the new face of Mother
Russia, by the way, as I just found out on the news.
I got a Google alert for that. Yeah, Gene Siskel too.
Man, yeah, he's back. And they resurrected him.

(01:14:43):
Yeah, Ebrick gets. All the press but Siskel gets
all the. Glory.
Oh, he's back. Oh.
Sorry, I just had. To I, I.
Had to. I had to not let you speak too
badly on Gene Siskel. Welcome back anytime.
Thank you. Thank you.
I. Also saw John Carter out on the
waiting room. Yeah, he's he was asking if he
could Co host. Cool.

(01:15:06):
Thank you for coming, Tonto. And thank you for coming, Sam.
And this was our episode on The Lone Ranger.
Bye. Hi, O.
Silver. I'm.
Not saying that again. Thank you for listening to

(01:15:28):
Shelf. Formers new episodes drop every
Wednesday and follow us on social media at Shelf Warmers
dot podcast, where we can send us movies to take off the shelf
for future episodes.