November 19, 2024 • 43 mins
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Has it ever been difficult for you to make a decision? Let us know what your challenge was by clicking the link above.
In this episode, we uncover the secret to mastering the art of decision-making without being overwhelmed by stress. We tackle real-world scenarios, like the dilemma of whether or not to even purchasing a laptop amidst political and economic uncertainties, and reveal how staying informed and flexible can help you make thoughtful choices. Explore how to maintain a calm mindset, avoid fear-driven decisions, and align your actions with your personal and professional goals.
Join us as we explore the creation of communities rooted in trust and support, particularly in leadership courses and workshops. We discuss the unique challenges professionals face in group settings and how to foster an environment that is both safe and authentic. By promoting emotional intelligence and self-awareness, we lay out strategies to cultivate spaces where trust can flourish, allowing meaningful contributions while upholding privacy and respect.
Our conversation delves into the transformative Self-Sustaining Leadership (SSL) program, focusing on authenticity and ethical behavior. Discover how SSL equips individuals with the tools for self-validation, encouraging a shift from external approval to inner empowerment. We share insights on embracing self-love, establishing healthy boundaries, and living in the present moment, all of which contribute to personal growth and resilience. Tune in to learn how these concepts can enhance your leadership journey and personal well-being.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Debbie (00:02):
okay, yeah, what were we saying about?
If there's an issue and we'restressing about the current
situation, the political climate, how to handle it, and I said
something like I'm making itlike a little slogan stress less
, plan more.
But in reality, what does thatmean for each individual in each
(00:26):
moment?
So go ahead and finish what youwere saying.
Deborah (00:29):
So what I was saying?
You know, stress less, planmore.
I say stress less, don't planfor anything until it's happened
, because you don't know whatit's going to look like.
So you can be spending all theand this is an example of
(00:53):
something that happened today.
So patrick and I were thinkingabout well, I'm going to get a
laptop, I'm going to get a newlaptop, and there has been some
talk that, you know, with thesetariffs, there's going to be an
increase in prices and da, da,da, da, da da.
(01:13):
And so I'm, you know, I'm goingto buy my laptop.
Now there's people saying buythose big ticket items now
because they're going to costmore in the future.
Well, the tariff hasn'thappened, nothing has happened
yet.
And so if I start planning tobuy things now, squirreling away
my laptops and all of thisstuff now because of what I
(01:36):
think might happen in the future, if it doesn't happen in the
future, then I've spent all thismoney that I didn't necessarily
need to spend.
So, for me personally, I need alaptop anyway.
I was looking at a laptopanyway.
But we're trying to avoidmaking decisions now based on
(01:59):
something that we think mighthappen in the future but has not
happened and may not evenhappen in any way, shape or form
close to that.
You know there's a lot ofthings we don't know, so it's
hard to plan for the you know,the you know the end game that
(02:20):
keeps moving and shifting.
Debbie (02:22):
Okay, I'm really glad that you said that, because in
my mind, that's what stress less, plan more means, instead of
going oh my God, what do I do?
What do I do?
Should I buy it?
Should I not buy it?
The plan is to be consciouslyaware of where we are.
He hasn't even made it intooffice yet.
(02:42):
Right, I rush out to buy itright now.
No, I'm planning to not do that.
It's more like when I say stressless, plan more.
It's like a cute little sayingbecause it's easy to remember.
It's like to be cognizant ofwhat's happening.
Is this something I want to doright now?
Is this something I need tomaybe put on my calendar for two
(03:05):
months from now, january 15th?
You know how?
How is it looking?
You know who else has beennominated into the cabinet?
Um, what else is going on thatI may need to pay attention to?
So maybe the word plan is atrigger, because I'm hearing you
say execute the plan.
How do I execute the plan?
(03:25):
Well, to me it's like we, wecan.
It's a matter of not allowingthe anxiety to take over the
limbic system by by focusing onwhat you can or may not be able
to do, either in the moment orin the near future, as opposed
to just, you know, justconstantly freaking out but not
(03:51):
really thinking about what'spossible, thinking about what
you might.
I mean like if I was a personthat was going to say I was
undocumented, I really shouldn'tbe here.
I know I shouldn't be here.
I have choices.
I can go back, I can hide.
I really shouldn't be here.
I know I shouldn't be here.
I have choices.
I can go back, I can hide, Ican try to run away, I can hope
they don't find me.
(04:11):
But to me those are all justkind of like wide open ended and
very stress related, becausemaybe I don't want to go back,
maybe I don't want to hide,maybe I want to continue to live
my life.
So there's all these things,but it's like the plan part is
take a good hard look at what'shappening, make some decisions
(04:32):
about it.
Yeah, go ahead does not interestme in any way, shape or form.
So my focus is more on not justthe individual, but helping the
coach, the entrepreneur, thebusiness owner with moving to
(04:55):
that next step.
This is the leadership thing.
The reason that I'm saying itthat way is because I find that
individuals don't care whothey're in the room with, but
professionals don't want to bein the room, or the group I'm
saying the room meaning the Zoomroom with potential clients or
(05:17):
with actual clients, and sothere's, it's kind of like the
professional and thenon-professional, and maybe I
need to kind of classify it likethat.
Maybe I need to say theindividual and the
non-professional and maybe Ineed to kind of classify it like
that.
Maybe I need to say theindividual and the business
owner or something like that,because I've just heard it so
many times by especially whatare you going to say?
Deborah (05:40):
Because I can see that you're like wanting to speak
something well, I think thatwhen you know that the
individual has to have thatability to be able to be a part
of the group, so to have thatself-awareness, to have all of
(06:01):
that, I think that the um, the,the strength and the emotional
intelligence of the individualis what makes up the group.
So, when I'm thinking aboutwhether you know, either stress
less and plan more, what thatbrings up for me is for each of
the individuals within thatgroup to create a community or
(06:25):
an atmosphere that allows foreach of the individuals within
that community to react less andrespond more.
So, responding to what's rightin front of you right now, you
know, because when we'rereacting, we're reacting to all
(06:46):
of these stimuli, many of which,most of which we have no
control over, and your responsemay be just to say you know, I
don't have any control over that, I'm not going to stress over
that.
Debbie (07:00):
You're bringing up something that I kind of had
thrown out the window,unconsciously, without thinking,
because I'm reacting to somethings that I've heard.
I've worked with a fewtherapists and trying to talk to
them about the skills that aretaught in SSL, that are taught
(07:28):
in SSL and, you know, invitedthem to to workshops and to the
course when it's starting like apersonal leadership course.
They don't need to become acoach, they already are one, you
know.
But they're like I don't wantany of my clients being in there
because I don't want to be inthere in that group with the
client.
But here's the thing, just whatyou're talking about group with
the client.
But here's the thing, just whatyou're talking about the
(07:48):
mentality of our world is suchthat they have to protect
themselves because there's nottrust in the ability of the
client to be able to keep theirmouth shut if the therapist or
whatever says something that,like they would have to guard
themselves.
But to create the community wewant to create means being a
(08:17):
little bit vulnerable,understanding that everyone that
comes into the SSL communityand I'm just going to call it
that for now but that group,that community, is saying I am
going to keep my mouth shut.
I am not going to expose anyonewho's having an issue or a
problem I don't even care if itis my therapist or whatever that
(08:40):
that person should feel safe,because the people we're
bringing in are ready to beethical, are ready to be
authentic and have integrity asopposed to something else and I
don't know.
I feel like I'm not reallygetting it out well, but I'm
(09:02):
hoping you understand what I'mmeaning.
Deborah (09:04):
And for our listeners, I'm going to take a moment here.
Debbie keeps referring to SSLand what that is is health
sustaining leadership.
It's a program, it's a coachingsystem program and Debbie is
heavily involved with that.
(09:25):
Can you just kind of give ourlisteners a definition?
Just a quick definition of what, because you keep referring to
SSL.
Debbie (09:33):
Yeah, sorry about that, it's just so ingrained, it's
just like fundamental to me tosay it like that.
So SSL is short forself-sustaining leadership, and
it's a way, it's a model, it's away by which to live, a
philosophy to live your life sothat you are more authentic,
(09:56):
more, have higher integrity,you're more ethical, more moral,
and it's a skills-based butdone in a very, very specific
manner that is so conducive toyour brain.
Understanding, I like to.
(10:18):
It is so much of our leadership.
Different ways of being areusing the right brain and, nope,
the left brain, sorry, verylogical brain, and it's got to
be this way.
And you know, you got to dothis thing.
And it's challenging becausethere's a lot of us, especially
that, the entrepreneurial person, the one who has their own
(10:40):
business.
We're more right brain, we'remore creative.
I don't want to follow allthose.
We're more right brain, we'remore creative.
I don't want to follow allthose old rules and paradigms.
Right, I want to be able to bemore free, to be more fluid
within my company or whatever itis I'm doing with my clients,
as opposed to the rigidity ofbig business.
(11:01):
So we go into business forourselves, but then we get stuck
.
So we go into business forourselves, but then we get stuck
and for the most part, we endup with some feeling of maybe
I'm not good enough, I'm notimportant, I don't value myself.
There's some disempoweringbelief that we're living with,
thinking that we can't do or bemore.
(11:23):
And self-sustaining leadership,or SSLL, is a program that gives
us the tools that we probablynever learned in home school,
any other job we've ever had, sothat we can become more aware
of ourselves.
We're taught to look out thereto everybody else, right, which,
(11:46):
you know, is that person?
Okay, who do I need to takecare of?
How do I need to function inthis so that people like me?
I want to belong and I want toconnect.
So we're always looking outthere as opposed to looking
inside of ourselves, and so theprogram is teach it.
Teaching us literally newneural pathways, literally new
neural pathways.
How do I take care of me?
How do I love me?
(12:07):
Not in an egotistical way, butin an emotionally healthy way.
So I know you said a brief.
I don't know that that wasbrief, but that's essentially
what it is it is.
You know, I've heard people say, oh, my God, if only I had
known, and I was one of thosepeople too.
(12:28):
I'd spent my life seeking,searching for something,
something.
What is missing in my life?
What is missing in my life?
Something's missing in my life,unless I was like in the midst
of falling in love.
Then it felt like my life wascomplete.
But the minute you get to thatpoint where you start doing your
own things and they I don'tknow get busy with a game, a
book, a friend, whatever, andit's like why aren't you paying
(12:51):
attention to me anymore?
It's like my drug was takenaway and all of a sudden I have
to face myself again.
With who am I?
So?
I feel dismissed if I feelunappreciated.
Why is that?
What is going on there?
And the program is aboutlearning the skills so that when
(13:12):
those things come up, you'reable to take care of it on your
own and you're able to figure itout on your own, and you don't
need the other person tovalidate you.
But I want to be clear youdon't need them to, and it's
always wonderful when they do.
Deborah (13:30):
Right.
Debbie (13:31):
It's the difference between I can, in a healthy way,
validate myself and be fineversus, oh my gosh, I'm
dependent on another to validateme.
And if they don't validate me,what do I need to do differently
, you know?
Do I need to cook better meals?
Know, do I need to cook bettermeals?
Do I need to lose weight?
Do I need to, like, wear highheel shoes?
Do I need to wear more makeup?
And that there's thisdesperation that comes with that
(13:53):
, where the anxiety begins togrow and grow, and grow, because
I can't figure it out.
And the reason why we can'tfigure it out is because it's
not out there.
The way I like to show itwithout, I know, no one can see
us is if you turn your head allthe way to the left over your
left shoulder and look back asfar as you can see, and then you
(14:15):
scan, you turn your head allthe way to the right and you
look far over your rightshoulder as far as you can see.
That's a lot of stuff and youknow all that information,
everything you can see.
It's like you got it.
It's all that's information andyou are understanding.
But the part that you don'tknow is like right behind your
neck.
(14:35):
It's the part that you justcan't see.
So SSL, or self-sustainingleadership, shows you how to
begin with yourself, so that andyou lead yourself right.
So it's, it's sustaining yourown leader, your own
self-leadership, cause we're allleaders, whether we think we
are not.
We lead ourselves all day,every day.
(14:56):
But it's being able to findthose parts that we didn't know
and then put those into play inour lives, and the difference I,
the difference that I have hadjust in a few years, is just
phenomenal.
And I was with the class lastnight.
They're one year in and they'relooking back saying I cannot
(15:20):
believe that I've gotten thisfar.
So it's a, it's a wonderfulprogram and it works.
And there's, you know,scientific proof, and what's
that?
There's another word Empirical.
Yeah, empirical proof.
So is that what you're going tosay, empirical, or were you
going to say something else?
Deborah (15:38):
No, that's fine, that's good, and and and and.
Really this conversation isn'ta commercial.
And really this conversationisn't a commercial.
I swear for self-sustainingleadership.
That is just one way, that'sjust one path, and both Debbie
and I have been involved withself-sustaining leadership to
some degree Debbie more than meso that there's kind of a mutual
(16:02):
understanding with us.
But the key is to look insideyourself or wherever you are.
Look inside yourself and notoutside of yourself, to allow
yourself the space to respondrather than react.
So the stress and anxiety thatcomes up with your as you
(16:28):
navigate through these thingsthat are happening are creating
a reaction rather than aresponse.
Debbie (16:37):
Yeah, and we live so much of our lives in reaction
and we don't even realize itit's.
You know, our brains aredesigned to create patterns and
then store the patterns.
So if you think about so manythings you do in your life your
breakfast, fixing it, I mean,maybe you have to think what am
I gonna eat?
But the minute you go, oh, ascrambled egg, you don't really
(16:58):
need to think about it.
You know you're gonna pull outthe pan and the spray or the
butter or the whatever and theeggs, and you're gonna.
You're just gonna do that thingsame with, you know, brushing
your teeth or tying your shoe,getting dressed, whatever you.
You form a pattern, a habit.
It becomes an automaticbehavior.
You don't really need to thinkabout it, although you can shift
it, like put your toothbrush inthe other hand.
(17:20):
That's so weird, right?
Um?
But how much of our lives do weactually just follow the
automatic behavior, patterns,habits, thoughts, reactions?
It's like there is no thoughtabout it.
(17:42):
It's so ingrained in what we doand a lot of times associated
with either our family or ourculture or a religion or some
other group of people, thatthere's a fear and a lot of it
is fear driven.
If we don't act a particularway, say a particular thing,
(18:02):
perform in a particular way, wewill be maybe ostracized,
rejected, and there's such fearin that, and it's a lot because
of what you said.
We're not going withinourselves, we're depending on
our worth to be given to us byothers, and that's where we
(18:23):
actually get in trouble.
That's where pain comes from,because we can't force other
people to give us what it isthat we think we want or feel
like we want.
And so if, say, I dress aparticular way because I feel
like I need compliments to feelvalidated and special, and I
dress myself up and I go thereand nobody compliments me, oh my
(18:48):
gosh, what's going to happen?
Right, I'm going to have aterrible evening Like why come,
nobody complimented me.
But if I get dressed and I takea look at myself from the
inside out and I go, you know Ilike the way this feels on me.
I'm comfortable, like this.
One quick example is I chose totake off high heel shoes and put
(19:09):
on tennis shoes.
They were gold, sparkly tennisshoes, you know, very shiny, but
I chose it intentionally formyself.
And when I got to the placewhere I was going to go and I
was performing on.
You know, do my speech?
I didn't get a lot of.
Oh my gosh.
Know, do my speech?
I didn't get a lot of.
Oh my gosh, I love your tennisshoes.
(19:29):
I didn't get a lot of that andI was a little, a little bit
intimidated.
And yet my people, when theysee my video of my speech and
they're like, oh my God, I loveyour shoes and good for you for
having the confidence forwearing them instead of high
heel shoes, because it reallycalled for that.
Oh, professional, professional,dress up, with the suit and
(19:52):
jacket and everything.
But you know what, when I worethe tennis shoes, I felt more
myself, which made me feel moreconfident in what I was going to
say and in the speech I wasgoing to give.
And that was magic.
I did not need them to approvethem, meaning the people I was
with, I did not need them toapprove my outfit.
(20:14):
But that's only a recentdevelopment, recent in the last
couple of years.
Before now, I would have beenwhat's the right thing to wear
in order for them to accept meand I watched them go through
this process.
One lady had the high high heels.
They're probably four inchheels, but they were like little
(20:37):
booties, they were cute andright before she stepped on
stage she put them on and shegot on stage and she did her
thing and she did her talk.
She's probably talking for 15,20 minutes.
The second, the cameras wereoff, she ripped those boots off
her feet and she was like, ohGod, my feet are killing me.
And I just was like mine aren't.
(20:58):
I didn't say those words to her,but I recognized I was being
true to myself.
That's authenticity, right,being true to yourself.
I was being true to myself.
That's authenticity, right,being true to yourself.
And I allowed myself to feelthe most comfortable that I
could feel for me, as opposed toworrying about what those other
people were thinking or whetherI should or shouldn't wear
(21:18):
those tennis shoes or whatever.
And it was just the best.
This is the best comfortablespeech I feel like I've ever
given, because I just was socomfortable in my skin and in my
shoes.
But, uh, yeah, it was veryimportant to me to have that
experience, um, and and itsolidified for me all of what
(21:40):
we're talking about when youtruly know yourself, when you're
clear about who you are andyou've got to, you got to go
through some things right, yougot to break some patterns down.
We've been, we've been pilingthese patterns, these repetitive
patterns, on ourselves for what?
40, 50, 60, 70 years?
That's decades, people, decades, right?
So it's going to take a minuteto unravel some of that.
(22:03):
Some will unravel quickly,other parts take a little longer
, but the onion will get peeled,those layers will come off if
you're committed to yourself andyou keep working it.
And that's the beauty of goingwithin and figuring out who you
are.
So, yeah, kind of got off on atangent there, didn't I?
(22:24):
But yeah, I truly believe thatEvery ounce of my being, every
word of it I'm just staring atme so quietly.
Do you have something to say?
Deborah (22:41):
I have a lot to say.
Debbie (22:42):
Okay, all right, people, here it comes.
I have a lot to say.
Okay, all right people.
Deborah (22:46):
Here it comes.
Yeah, well, one of the thingsthat I'm what I'm I'm thinking
about, like I guess what there's?
There's two things that thatI'm thinking about, right, so
self-love, that's when you'relooking inside of yourself and
taking, having that awareness ofhow you want to be in each
(23:09):
moment and building yourself upand just creating in your being
the authenticity connecting towhat resonates to you as who you
are.
And then I'm looking at theself-care end of it too, right.
So me looking at these differentum things, that these different
(23:34):
things that happen in our lives, um, and saying, okay, how do I
want to be in this moment?
Right, and?
And so there's the inside, theself-love, the self-awareness,
the level of consciousness, andthere's also the practical side
of how am I going to be in thismoment, can you share more of
(23:59):
what you mean how I'm going tobe in this moment, just so
people are clear about what youmean by that well, I think it's
pretty self-explanatory.
Um, you know, like, how am Igoing to be in this moment?
Am I going to allow myself tobe full of anxiety?
(24:19):
Am I going to be calm in thismoment?
Am I going to be loving in thismoment?
Am I going to be judgmental inthis moment?
Am I going to be?
You know, there's so manythings that we can be in that we
can be.
Am I going to be grateful inthis moment?
And so the decision that youmake about this very moment, it
(24:41):
doesn't have to be going okay,I'm going to be grateful in this
moment.
But there's a, a way of beingthat you've created through your
self-care and self-love thatwill kind of dictate the way
that you're going to be in thismoment.
And a lot of times we, many ofus, react to moments without
because we have a lack ofself-awareness and a lack of
(25:05):
self-care that allows us thespace to create what we want in
each of these moments.
So that's what I mean about howI want to be.
Again, I think I've mentionedmany times before that stop
method, where you just stop,take a breath, observe, look
around.
You know, decide what's goingon.
(25:28):
You know, am I really upsetabout what's actually happening
right now?
Or am I upset about whathappened to me 10 years ago?
Or am I upset about what Ithink might happen in the future
, which what we want to do?
Just having that awareness.
Okay, now I need to get myselfback in the present moment and
(25:48):
address how I am right now.
I am fine.
There is no threat.
I don't need to stress, I canjust be calm with that.
Debbie (26:01):
So I think you brought up a really, really, really good
point and I want to just focuson when we are looking in the
past or looking in the future.
We just have no control over it, right?
Yes, it can affect us, like wemight get triggered by something
somebody just did, but if wesit with it for a few minutes is
(26:25):
in the present moment.
We may look and see, oh my gosh, my mother, father, sister,
brother, whatever used to dothat, and maybe it was imposing
themselves on my time or myenergy or whatever it was.
You know, brother, tricking,lying, tell mom and dad I did it
versus they, then them,whatever, and then something
(26:47):
happened in the moment that justbrought that up, or the
frustration or the hurt orwhatever the feeling is from the
past comes up.
So good to notice that, but wecan only notice it in the
present moment, and that's whatyou're talking about, that stop
mess method, where you pause fora moment and gather those
(27:09):
thoughts together.
Where does this come from?
You know, I mean, if somebodycuts you off in traffic or you
know if something not goodhappens, a family member gets
sick or something, you knowthat's something we have to deal
with and it may not be a painfrom the past, but something
that is happening.
But until we take that momentto pause and consciously think
(27:31):
of it, we're going to be inreaction mode.
The same thing with the future.
If we're just freaking outabout what might happen, we are
literally wasting our time.
We are flooding our bodies withnegative stress hormones that
are actually doing damage to usand we're not good for anything.
(27:55):
We've actually shut off ourreasoning, our reasonable
thought patterns.
So when we're experiencing that, can we say I am just so
stressed, I'm freaking out rightnow.
Can I take a moment and breathethe in the out and really think
about what's going on?
(28:16):
That was the stress less planmore.
And maybe I need a differentphrase.
What did I say before?
Less stress, more success.
Oh no, I like that.
Maybe that's a better one,because we we want to be
successful and we can besuccessful, but not if we're
(28:37):
just constantly in the past orconstantly in the present I mean
in the future upset aboutthings that we can't do anything
about.
Deborah (28:44):
So you know, that was perfect, the stop method and you
know and I have I'm a member ofthe board of an organization
called Be Present, and LilyAllen, who is the founder of
this organization, says so manytimes, and I repeat it so many
(29:08):
times you know, the present isin the present right.
The only thing that you canaffect is what's going on right
now.
And if you're able to connectto that and right now we're
talking about self-love I madeit to this present moment.
I've made it to this nextpresent moment.
I've made it to this nextpresent moment.
I'm making it to the nextpresent moment.
(29:30):
So, then, you're building inyour life a habit of success, a
habit of gratitude, a habit ofknowing that you're able to
sustain yourself in the presentmoment successfully, and what
that does is it informs you that, whatever happens in the future
(29:54):
, you're going to more likelythan not be successful in
dealing with whatever that is,and so keeping yourself in the
present moment allows you tofeel that success that will come
as new things arrive, andyou're feeding that self-love.
Debbie (30:19):
Absolutely.
Deborah (30:20):
You're adding to that self-love and you're because of
that, you're also more able toimplement your self-care
practices.
Debbie (30:33):
Yeah, I don't even know how to piggyback on that Like
uh-huh, yep, yes, I agree.
Deborah (30:43):
We don't have to disagree.
Debbie (30:45):
No, no, no, I just, you know, I, I can't, I can't make
it better, it just it was, it'sperfect just like it is.
That's exactly what I think hasto happen because, um, you know
, no matter how we want to bemiserable, you know, a lot of us
live in a victim energy or alot of the time, some of the
(31:06):
time, part of the time, whatever, we've all made it this far.
That's success, right?
Some people haven't made it,but if you're listening, you've
made it right.
You've made it to this momentand then this next moment, in
this next moment, and you'regoing to continue to make it.
Somehow, somehow, you're goingto figure out a way.
(31:26):
It is how the brain works.
It wants to conserve calories Iknow that that's kind of
whatever but it also wants tosurvive, and we do.
We've learned how to survive,we will survive, and in that
surviving which is not fun we'velearned a lot, and it's a
(31:48):
matter of paying attention towhat have I learned and how am I
going to learn more from it.
So, when something not so greathappens, what am I learning and
how can I improve me?
Because that's the only personwe can improve.
How can I improve myself?
With better self-care, moreself-love or do something a
little bit different so I get abetter reaction or response next
(32:09):
time.
Deborah (32:09):
I hate to say reaction, but yeah, and the other thing,
that is a mission, my mission,one of the missions that I have
in life, is by loving ourselvesand having that level of
self-awareness.
It creates space for us to bemore compassionate, more loving
(32:30):
for others in the world.
I think if you're spending allof your time being anxious about
the future and being anxiousabout the past and not feeling
safe, feeling anxiety in justthis very moment, then it's hard
for you to think about anybodyelse's pain or anybody else's
(32:55):
existence.
You know, when I thought aboutall it is so funny and I don't
want to talk about, maybenecessarily the political, you
know thing that we're looking at, but it was so funny because I
was going oh, these people aregoing to be affected, and these
(33:16):
people are going to be affectedand these people are going to be
affected.
It's going to be horrible andyou know.
But first of all, I let myselffeel those feelings.
I had the opportunity to feelthose feelings and I totally
forgot how it was going to bedifferent for me, because I'm
like, oh, I'm Black and I'm awoman.
(33:37):
There's going to be some thingshappening here that's going to
affect me, but my point is thatI was able to, um contribute to
the well-being of society bythinking outside of myself,
being able to hold space forpeople other than myself,
(33:58):
because, when it comes rightdown to it, I'd rather live in a
world where we are aware andwant to take care of ourselves,
not at the expense of otherpeople where the power of love
overshadows the love of poweryeah, I mean, I love that yeah,
(34:21):
I, uh, I've been thinking aboutwhat can we do?
Debbie (34:23):
how can we, you know, make things like this happen?
And I, um, I, I meancommunities need to be formed.
I would like to offer to peoplethat are isolated right now and
feel very individual andthey're not part of groups, that
to get part of something, evenif it's a craft club, a book
club, an art community, if itdoesn't have to be a political
(34:47):
whatever.
But if you're feeling down, ifyou're feeling sad, if you're
feeling alone, feeling down, ifyou're feeling sad, if you're
feeling alone, feeling isolated,one way that you can help
yourself is by finding people oflike mind and participating
with them.
I'm not on TikTok.
I will go on YouTube and I, butI will see people will post
(35:08):
TikTok things on YouTube andI've seen something called the
fourB movement.
Have you seen that?
Deborah (35:14):
No.
Debbie (35:16):
So apparently in South Korea there's four words that
start with the letter B.
The way they're translated intoEnglish is these women are not
having sex, they're not dating,they're not getting married and
they're not having babies, andwhatever the however they say
(35:38):
that in Korean, they all startwith the letter B.
That has come over here now onTikTok and there's a lot of very
frustrated people that aretaking action and they're
finding their communities totake action in.
(35:58):
It's more political, and so ifsomebody is interested in that,
they can certainly do that.
But not everybody is anactivist.
Not everybody wants to putthemselves out there, wants to
(36:18):
put themselves out there.
But I think there's many of usand I say us, those that are
listening to this type ofpodcast that feel slighted, feel
like something went wrong, feellike there's a lot of fear.
I, how's my life going to workout?
And I'm not saying don't havethose feelings, but I am also
saying like, be consciouslyaware of what those are and
(36:39):
where they're coming from.
And, of course, if you need totalk to somebody you know, you
call either Deborah or I, get incontact with us.
You can also join some kind ofa group and have some
camaraderie somewhere, becausethat's making connection, and
connection is super importantright now.
Deborah (37:01):
Mm-hmm and support and one of the things when you were
talking, debbie, I mean I justlove what you said, but it is
not sunshine and unicorns inanybody's life.
Every day, all day, whatever,no matter what your practices
are, I love myself to death.
I think I'm fabulous.
(37:22):
I have great self carepractices I do but I give myself
permission, or permission tofeel my feels.
If I'm upset, if I'm you know,I have some concerns, or if I'm
fearful, or whatever my thing is, you just don't stay there.
(37:43):
It's like, okay, I'm gonnagrieve.
You know, this is not what Iexpected.
This is not what I had hopedfor.
I have some disappointment inthis moment, but now I am going
to support myself in movingthrough that and then I'm going
(38:04):
to come back to the present tosee what it is for me to do in
this moment and the thoughts andwhatever you're just choosing.
Debbie (38:15):
You may do on the individual basis, but you and I
have had conversation about it.
You've talked with Patrick,you've talked with other friends
, so you could.
You've been in community withpeople as well, so that you have
not felt alone the same with meyou know having.
So, yeah, we're justencouraging because your
(38:36):
wellness practice is differentfrom my wellness practice.
Deborah (38:38):
Right.
Debbie (38:40):
And we all do things differently.
So don't try to feel like youhave to do things in the way
that somebody else does them,but allow yourself to feel what
you're feeling.
Love yourself, put your armsaround yourself.
I've let myself cry because Ineeded to cry.
I needed to let it out, and itwas okay I did.
(39:02):
I was sad for a bit and then Iwas like, okay, it's not that I
won't be sad again or I can't besad now, or whatever, but it's
like I don't want to live in thespace of sad.
I can't do anything with sad.
I want to live in the space ofpossibility.
What comes next?
Where's the hope?
What, where?
What am I able to do?
(39:23):
And when I say hope, I don'tmean, like you said, rainbows
and unicorns.
I know it's going to get bad.
It's going to get bad.
And how am I preparing myselfto know that I'm going to get
bad?
It's going to get bad.
And how am I preparing myselfto know that I'm going to be
okay?
And I know that I'm going to beokay Somehow, some way, some
way, whatever.
I know I'll be okay.
(39:44):
I might be miserable, might beuncomfortable, but I'll still be
okay.
Right, it's how to not allow thefeeling of being a victim,
because that came up reallystrongly for me.
It's like I've been fighting mywhole life against this kind of
thing and now it's gone totallybackwards, you know, and I just
went through that whole thingbecause I am a survivor of
(40:06):
sexual abuse, so a lot of thatcame up for me, came up for me
and so, uh, but being able tolike having all this, these
skills, and being able to findwithin myself where I need to go
internally to be okay, um, findmy clarity, etc.
Uh has made all the differencein the world.
Deborah (40:27):
Um, so highly encouraging people to yeah, yeah
, and I love, just like what yousay.
And if your current communityisn't supporting you, isn't
serving you, have the courage tostep out and find one.
That is, I think, a lot of us.
I've had to do this severaltimes in my life.
(40:49):
You know where I've been in acommunity.
I've been entrenched in acommunity, you know, and it
wasn't serving me, I wasn'tthriving, I wasn't enjoying it
even.
I mean there was some benefitbecause we had fun, but I had to
find the courage to step outand reach out to other
(41:12):
communities or to other peoplethat were more aligned with what
I believe supports my self-care, my everyday existence.
Debbie (41:25):
You just made me realize and I hope this doesn't come
off like being arrogant or asmart aleck but the less I knew
myself, the less I knew myself,it seemed like, the more I was
willing to people please, to tryto fit in, to try to connect,
to do whatever I thought that Ineeded to do in order for them
(41:47):
to accept me.
And it was hard to leavebecause I was looking for a
validation, right.
But now I'm, it's pretty easyfor me to say thank you, I hope
you guys enjoy yourself, butthis isn't working for me and to
be able to step away from itwithout worrying oh my gosh, did
(42:07):
I hurt their feelings?
The thing is a day from now, 24hours.
They're not even going toremember who I am you know what
I mean.
They're going to be on tosomething else.
But again, it's about how am Itaking care of myself?
How am I making sure that thegroup that I'm with is
supportive of me?
They are, you know, somethingthat's going to be beneficial,
(42:29):
not just to have fun or whatever, although that's fine too, but
there's some other heartconnection that's going to
matter and make a difference.
Deborah (42:37):
So so we've kind of come full circle with this
conversation.
Debbie (42:44):
What a surprise.
Never done that before.
All right, well, as we like toremind you, guys, we thank you
for the loves, the likes, thecomments.
They're very special andprecious to us.
We will respond to them, sofeel free to continue to do that
(43:06):
.
Deborah (43:06):
And, as always, we invite you to love and care for
the shero in you.
Bye.
okay, yeah, what were we saying about?
If there's an issue and we'restressing about the current
situation, the political climate, how to handle it, and I said
something like I'm making itlike a little slogan stress less
, plan more.
But in reality, what does thatmean for each individual in each
(00:26):
moment?
So go ahead and finish what youwere saying.
Deborah (00:29):
So what I was saying?
You know, stress less, planmore.
I say stress less, don't planfor anything until it's happened
, because you don't know whatit's going to look like.
So you can be spending all theand this is an example of
(00:53):
something that happened today.
So patrick and I were thinkingabout well, I'm going to get a
laptop, I'm going to get a newlaptop, and there has been some
talk that, you know, with thesetariffs, there's going to be an
increase in prices and da, da,da, da, da da.
(01:13):
And so I'm, you know, I'm goingto buy my laptop.
Now there's people saying buythose big ticket items now
because they're going to costmore in the future.
Well, the tariff hasn'thappened, nothing has happened
yet.
And so if I start planning tobuy things now, squirreling away
my laptops and all of thisstuff now because of what I
(01:36):
think might happen in the future, if it doesn't happen in the
future, then I've spent all thismoney that I didn't necessarily
need to spend.
So, for me personally, I need alaptop anyway.
I was looking at a laptopanyway.
But we're trying to avoidmaking decisions now based on
(01:59):
something that we think mighthappen in the future but has not
happened and may not evenhappen in any way, shape or form
close to that.
You know there's a lot ofthings we don't know, so it's
hard to plan for the you know,the you know the end game that
(02:20):
keeps moving and shifting.
Debbie (02:22):
Okay, I'm really glad that you said that, because in
my mind, that's what stress less, plan more means, instead of
going oh my God, what do I do?
What do I do?
Should I buy it?
Should I not buy it?
The plan is to be consciouslyaware of where we are.
He hasn't even made it intooffice yet.
(02:42):
Right, I rush out to buy itright now.
No, I'm planning to not do that.
It's more like when I say stressless, plan more.
It's like a cute little sayingbecause it's easy to remember.
It's like to be cognizant ofwhat's happening.
Is this something I want to doright now?
Is this something I need tomaybe put on my calendar for two
(03:05):
months from now, january 15th?
You know how?
How is it looking?
You know who else has beennominated into the cabinet?
Um, what else is going on thatI may need to pay attention to?
So maybe the word plan is atrigger, because I'm hearing you
say execute the plan.
How do I execute the plan?
(03:25):
Well, to me it's like we, wecan.
It's a matter of not allowingthe anxiety to take over the
limbic system by by focusing onwhat you can or may not be able
to do, either in the moment orin the near future, as opposed
to just, you know, justconstantly freaking out but not
(03:51):
really thinking about what'spossible, thinking about what
you might.
I mean like if I was a personthat was going to say I was
undocumented, I really shouldn'tbe here.
I know I shouldn't be here.
I have choices.
I can go back, I can hide.
I really shouldn't be here.
I know I shouldn't be here.
I have choices.
I can go back, I can hide, Ican try to run away, I can hope
they don't find me.
(04:11):
But to me those are all justkind of like wide open ended and
very stress related, becausemaybe I don't want to go back,
maybe I don't want to hide,maybe I want to continue to live
my life.
So there's all these things,but it's like the plan part is
take a good hard look at what'shappening, make some decisions
(04:32):
about it.
Yeah, go ahead does not interestme in any way, shape or form.
So my focus is more on not justthe individual, but helping the
coach, the entrepreneur, thebusiness owner with moving to
(04:55):
that next step.
This is the leadership thing.
The reason that I'm saying itthat way is because I find that
individuals don't care whothey're in the room with, but
professionals don't want to bein the room, or the group I'm
saying the room meaning the Zoomroom with potential clients or
(05:17):
with actual clients, and sothere's, it's kind of like the
professional and thenon-professional, and maybe I
need to kind of classify it likethat.
Maybe I need to say theindividual and the
non-professional and maybe Ineed to kind of classify it like
that.
Maybe I need to say theindividual and the business
owner or something like that,because I've just heard it so
many times by especially whatare you going to say?
Deborah (05:40):
Because I can see that you're like wanting to speak
something well, I think thatwhen you know that the
individual has to have thatability to be able to be a part
of the group, so to have thatself-awareness, to have all of
(06:01):
that, I think that the um, the,the strength and the emotional
intelligence of the individualis what makes up the group.
So, when I'm thinking aboutwhether you know, either stress
less and plan more, what thatbrings up for me is for each of
the individuals within thatgroup to create a community or
(06:25):
an atmosphere that allows foreach of the individuals within
that community to react less andrespond more.
So, responding to what's rightin front of you right now, you
know, because when we'rereacting, we're reacting to all
(06:46):
of these stimuli, many of which,most of which we have no
control over, and your responsemay be just to say you know, I
don't have any control over that, I'm not going to stress over
that.
Debbie (07:00):
You're bringing up something that I kind of had
thrown out the window,unconsciously, without thinking,
because I'm reacting to somethings that I've heard.
I've worked with a fewtherapists and trying to talk to
them about the skills that aretaught in SSL, that are taught
(07:28):
in SSL and, you know, invitedthem to to workshops and to the
course when it's starting like apersonal leadership course.
They don't need to become acoach, they already are one, you
know.
But they're like I don't wantany of my clients being in there
because I don't want to be inthere in that group with the
client.
But here's the thing, just whatyou're talking about group with
the client.
But here's the thing, just whatyou're talking about the
(07:48):
mentality of our world is suchthat they have to protect
themselves because there's nottrust in the ability of the
client to be able to keep theirmouth shut if the therapist or
whatever says something that,like they would have to guard
themselves.
But to create the community wewant to create means being a
(08:17):
little bit vulnerable,understanding that everyone that
comes into the SSL communityand I'm just going to call it
that for now but that group,that community, is saying I am
going to keep my mouth shut.
I am not going to expose anyonewho's having an issue or a
problem I don't even care if itis my therapist or whatever that
(08:40):
that person should feel safe,because the people we're
bringing in are ready to beethical, are ready to be
authentic and have integrity asopposed to something else and I
don't know.
I feel like I'm not reallygetting it out well, but I'm
(09:02):
hoping you understand what I'mmeaning.
Deborah (09:04):
And for our listeners, I'm going to take a moment here.
Debbie keeps referring to SSLand what that is is health
sustaining leadership.
It's a program, it's a coachingsystem program and Debbie is
heavily involved with that.
(09:25):
Can you just kind of give ourlisteners a definition?
Just a quick definition of what, because you keep referring to
SSL.
Debbie (09:33):
Yeah, sorry about that, it's just so ingrained, it's
just like fundamental to me tosay it like that.
So SSL is short forself-sustaining leadership, and
it's a way, it's a model, it's away by which to live, a
philosophy to live your life sothat you are more authentic,
(09:56):
more, have higher integrity,you're more ethical, more moral,
and it's a skills-based butdone in a very, very specific
manner that is so conducive toyour brain.
Understanding, I like to.
(10:18):
It is so much of our leadership.
Different ways of being areusing the right brain and, nope,
the left brain, sorry, verylogical brain, and it's got to
be this way.
And you know, you got to dothis thing.
And it's challenging becausethere's a lot of us, especially
that, the entrepreneurial person, the one who has their own
(10:40):
business.
We're more right brain, we'remore creative.
I don't want to follow allthose.
We're more right brain, we'remore creative.
I don't want to follow allthose old rules and paradigms.
Right, I want to be able to bemore free, to be more fluid
within my company or whatever itis I'm doing with my clients,
as opposed to the rigidity ofbig business.
(11:01):
So we go into business forourselves, but then we get stuck
.
So we go into business forourselves, but then we get stuck
and for the most part, we endup with some feeling of maybe
I'm not good enough, I'm notimportant, I don't value myself.
There's some disempoweringbelief that we're living with,
thinking that we can't do or bemore.
(11:23):
And self-sustaining leadership,or SSLL, is a program that gives
us the tools that we probablynever learned in home school,
any other job we've ever had, sothat we can become more aware
of ourselves.
We're taught to look out thereto everybody else, right, which,
(11:46):
you know, is that person?
Okay, who do I need to takecare of?
How do I need to function inthis so that people like me?
I want to belong and I want toconnect.
So we're always looking outthere as opposed to looking
inside of ourselves, and so theprogram is teach it.
Teaching us literally newneural pathways, literally new
neural pathways.
How do I take care of me?
How do I love me?
(12:07):
Not in an egotistical way, butin an emotionally healthy way.
So I know you said a brief.
I don't know that that wasbrief, but that's essentially
what it is it is.
You know, I've heard people say, oh, my God, if only I had
known, and I was one of thosepeople too.
(12:28):
I'd spent my life seeking,searching for something,
something.
What is missing in my life?
What is missing in my life?
Something's missing in my life,unless I was like in the midst
of falling in love.
Then it felt like my life wascomplete.
But the minute you get to thatpoint where you start doing your
own things and they I don'tknow get busy with a game, a
book, a friend, whatever, andit's like why aren't you paying
(12:51):
attention to me anymore?
It's like my drug was takenaway and all of a sudden I have
to face myself again.
With who am I?
So?
I feel dismissed if I feelunappreciated.
Why is that?
What is going on there?
And the program is aboutlearning the skills so that when
(13:12):
those things come up, you'reable to take care of it on your
own and you're able to figure itout on your own, and you don't
need the other person tovalidate you.
But I want to be clear youdon't need them to, and it's
always wonderful when they do.
Deborah (13:30):
Right.
Debbie (13:31):
It's the difference between I can, in a healthy way,
validate myself and be fineversus, oh my gosh, I'm
dependent on another to validateme.
And if they don't validate me,what do I need to do differently
, you know?
Do I need to cook better meals?
Know, do I need to cook bettermeals?
Do I need to lose weight?
Do I need to, like, wear highheel shoes?
Do I need to wear more makeup?
And that there's thisdesperation that comes with that
(13:53):
, where the anxiety begins togrow and grow, and grow, because
I can't figure it out.
And the reason why we can'tfigure it out is because it's
not out there.
The way I like to show itwithout, I know, no one can see
us is if you turn your head allthe way to the left over your
left shoulder and look back asfar as you can see, and then you
(14:15):
scan, you turn your head allthe way to the right and you
look far over your rightshoulder as far as you can see.
That's a lot of stuff and youknow all that information,
everything you can see.
It's like you got it.
It's all that's information andyou are understanding.
But the part that you don'tknow is like right behind your
neck.
(14:35):
It's the part that you justcan't see.
So SSL, or self-sustainingleadership, shows you how to
begin with yourself, so that andyou lead yourself right.
So it's, it's sustaining yourown leader, your own
self-leadership, cause we're allleaders, whether we think we
are not.
We lead ourselves all day,every day.
(14:56):
But it's being able to findthose parts that we didn't know
and then put those into play inour lives, and the difference I,
the difference that I have hadjust in a few years, is just
phenomenal.
And I was with the class lastnight.
They're one year in and they'relooking back saying I cannot
(15:20):
believe that I've gotten thisfar.
So it's a, it's a wonderfulprogram and it works.
And there's, you know,scientific proof, and what's
that?
There's another word Empirical.
Yeah, empirical proof.
So is that what you're going tosay, empirical, or were you
going to say something else?
Deborah (15:38):
No, that's fine, that's good, and and and and.
Really this conversation isn'ta commercial.
And really this conversationisn't a commercial.
I swear for self-sustainingleadership.
That is just one way, that'sjust one path, and both Debbie
and I have been involved withself-sustaining leadership to
some degree Debbie more than meso that there's kind of a mutual
(16:02):
understanding with us.
But the key is to look insideyourself or wherever you are.
Look inside yourself and notoutside of yourself, to allow
yourself the space to respondrather than react.
So the stress and anxiety thatcomes up with your as you
(16:28):
navigate through these thingsthat are happening are creating
a reaction rather than aresponse.
Debbie (16:37):
Yeah, and we live so much of our lives in reaction
and we don't even realize itit's.
You know, our brains aredesigned to create patterns and
then store the patterns.
So if you think about so manythings you do in your life your
breakfast, fixing it, I mean,maybe you have to think what am
I gonna eat?
But the minute you go, oh, ascrambled egg, you don't really
(16:58):
need to think about it.
You know you're gonna pull outthe pan and the spray or the
butter or the whatever and theeggs, and you're gonna.
You're just gonna do that thingsame with, you know, brushing
your teeth or tying your shoe,getting dressed, whatever you.
You form a pattern, a habit.
It becomes an automaticbehavior.
You don't really need to thinkabout it, although you can shift
it, like put your toothbrush inthe other hand.
(17:20):
That's so weird, right?
Um?
But how much of our lives do weactually just follow the
automatic behavior, patterns,habits, thoughts, reactions?
It's like there is no thoughtabout it.
(17:42):
It's so ingrained in what we doand a lot of times associated
with either our family or ourculture or a religion or some
other group of people, thatthere's a fear and a lot of it
is fear driven.
If we don't act a particularway, say a particular thing,
(18:02):
perform in a particular way, wewill be maybe ostracized,
rejected, and there's such fearin that, and it's a lot because
of what you said.
We're not going withinourselves, we're depending on
our worth to be given to us byothers, and that's where we
(18:23):
actually get in trouble.
That's where pain comes from,because we can't force other
people to give us what it isthat we think we want or feel
like we want.
And so if, say, I dress aparticular way because I feel
like I need compliments to feelvalidated and special, and I
dress myself up and I go thereand nobody compliments me, oh my
(18:48):
gosh, what's going to happen?
Right, I'm going to have aterrible evening Like why come,
nobody complimented me.
But if I get dressed and I takea look at myself from the
inside out and I go, you know Ilike the way this feels on me.
I'm comfortable, like this.
One quick example is I chose totake off high heel shoes and put
(19:09):
on tennis shoes.
They were gold, sparkly tennisshoes, you know, very shiny, but
I chose it intentionally formyself.
And when I got to the placewhere I was going to go and I
was performing on.
You know, do my speech?
I didn't get a lot of.
Oh my gosh.
Know, do my speech?
I didn't get a lot of.
Oh my gosh, I love your tennisshoes.
(19:29):
I didn't get a lot of that andI was a little, a little bit
intimidated.
And yet my people, when theysee my video of my speech and
they're like, oh my God, I loveyour shoes and good for you for
having the confidence forwearing them instead of high
heel shoes, because it reallycalled for that.
Oh, professional, professional,dress up, with the suit and
(19:52):
jacket and everything.
But you know what, when I worethe tennis shoes, I felt more
myself, which made me feel moreconfident in what I was going to
say and in the speech I wasgoing to give.
And that was magic.
I did not need them to approvethem, meaning the people I was
with, I did not need them toapprove my outfit.
(20:14):
But that's only a recentdevelopment, recent in the last
couple of years.
Before now, I would have beenwhat's the right thing to wear
in order for them to accept meand I watched them go through
this process.
One lady had the high high heels.
They're probably four inchheels, but they were like little
(20:37):
booties, they were cute andright before she stepped on
stage she put them on and shegot on stage and she did her
thing and she did her talk.
She's probably talking for 15,20 minutes.
The second, the cameras wereoff, she ripped those boots off
her feet and she was like, ohGod, my feet are killing me.
And I just was like mine aren't.
(20:58):
I didn't say those words to her,but I recognized I was being
true to myself.
That's authenticity, right,being true to yourself.
I was being true to myself.
That's authenticity, right,being true to yourself.
And I allowed myself to feelthe most comfortable that I
could feel for me, as opposed toworrying about what those other
people were thinking or whetherI should or shouldn't wear
(21:18):
those tennis shoes or whatever.
And it was just the best.
This is the best comfortablespeech I feel like I've ever
given, because I just was socomfortable in my skin and in my
shoes.
But, uh, yeah, it was veryimportant to me to have that
experience, um, and and itsolidified for me all of what
(21:40):
we're talking about when youtruly know yourself, when you're
clear about who you are andyou've got to, you got to go
through some things right, yougot to break some patterns down.
We've been, we've been pilingthese patterns, these repetitive
patterns, on ourselves for what?
40, 50, 60, 70 years?
That's decades, people, decades, right?
So it's going to take a minuteto unravel some of that.
(22:03):
Some will unravel quickly,other parts take a little longer
, but the onion will get peeled,those layers will come off if
you're committed to yourself andyou keep working it.
And that's the beauty of goingwithin and figuring out who you
are.
So, yeah, kind of got off on atangent there, didn't I?
(22:24):
But yeah, I truly believe thatEvery ounce of my being, every
word of it I'm just staring atme so quietly.
Do you have something to say?
Deborah (22:41):
I have a lot to say.
Debbie (22:42):
Okay, all right, people, here it comes.
I have a lot to say.
Okay, all right people.
Deborah (22:46):
Here it comes.
Yeah, well, one of the thingsthat I'm what I'm I'm thinking
about, like I guess what there's?
There's two things that thatI'm thinking about, right, so
self-love, that's when you'relooking inside of yourself and
taking, having that awareness ofhow you want to be in each
(23:09):
moment and building yourself upand just creating in your being
the authenticity connecting towhat resonates to you as who you
are.
And then I'm looking at theself-care end of it too, right.
So me looking at these differentum things, that these different
(23:34):
things that happen in our lives, um, and saying, okay, how do I
want to be in this moment?
Right, and?
And so there's the inside, theself-love, the self-awareness,
the level of consciousness, andthere's also the practical side
of how am I going to be in thismoment, can you share more of
(23:59):
what you mean how I'm going tobe in this moment, just so
people are clear about what youmean by that well, I think it's
pretty self-explanatory.
Um, you know, like, how am Igoing to be in this moment?
Am I going to allow myself tobe full of anxiety?
(24:19):
Am I going to be calm in thismoment?
Am I going to be loving in thismoment?
Am I going to be judgmental inthis moment?
Am I going to be?
You know, there's so manythings that we can be in that we
can be.
Am I going to be grateful inthis moment?
And so the decision that youmake about this very moment, it
(24:41):
doesn't have to be going okay,I'm going to be grateful in this
moment.
But there's a, a way of beingthat you've created through your
self-care and self-love thatwill kind of dictate the way
that you're going to be in thismoment.
And a lot of times we, many ofus, react to moments without
because we have a lack ofself-awareness and a lack of
(25:05):
self-care that allows us thespace to create what we want in
each of these moments.
So that's what I mean about howI want to be.
Again, I think I've mentionedmany times before that stop
method, where you just stop,take a breath, observe, look
around.
You know, decide what's goingon.
(25:28):
You know, am I really upsetabout what's actually happening
right now?
Or am I upset about whathappened to me 10 years ago?
Or am I upset about what Ithink might happen in the future
, which what we want to do?
Just having that awareness.
Okay, now I need to get myselfback in the present moment and
(25:48):
address how I am right now.
I am fine.
There is no threat.
I don't need to stress, I canjust be calm with that.
Debbie (26:01):
So I think you brought up a really, really, really good
point and I want to just focuson when we are looking in the
past or looking in the future.
We just have no control over it, right?
Yes, it can affect us, like wemight get triggered by something
somebody just did, but if wesit with it for a few minutes is
(26:25):
in the present moment.
We may look and see, oh my gosh, my mother, father, sister,
brother, whatever used to dothat, and maybe it was imposing
themselves on my time or myenergy or whatever it was.
You know, brother, tricking,lying, tell mom and dad I did it
versus they, then them,whatever, and then something
(26:47):
happened in the moment that justbrought that up, or the
frustration or the hurt orwhatever the feeling is from the
past comes up.
So good to notice that, but wecan only notice it in the
present moment, and that's whatyou're talking about, that stop
mess method, where you pause fora moment and gather those
(27:09):
thoughts together.
Where does this come from?
You know, I mean, if somebodycuts you off in traffic or you
know if something not goodhappens, a family member gets
sick or something, you knowthat's something we have to deal
with and it may not be a painfrom the past, but something
that is happening.
But until we take that momentto pause and consciously think
(27:31):
of it, we're going to be inreaction mode.
The same thing with the future.
If we're just freaking outabout what might happen, we are
literally wasting our time.
We are flooding our bodies withnegative stress hormones that
are actually doing damage to usand we're not good for anything.
(27:55):
We've actually shut off ourreasoning, our reasonable
thought patterns.
So when we're experiencing that, can we say I am just so
stressed, I'm freaking out rightnow.
Can I take a moment and breathethe in the out and really think
about what's going on?
(28:16):
That was the stress less planmore.
And maybe I need a differentphrase.
What did I say before?
Less stress, more success.
Oh no, I like that.
Maybe that's a better one,because we we want to be
successful and we can besuccessful, but not if we're
(28:37):
just constantly in the past orconstantly in the present I mean
in the future upset aboutthings that we can't do anything
about.
Deborah (28:44):
So you know, that was perfect, the stop method and you
know and I have I'm a member ofthe board of an organization
called Be Present, and LilyAllen, who is the founder of
this organization, says so manytimes, and I repeat it so many
(29:08):
times you know, the present isin the present right.
The only thing that you canaffect is what's going on right
now.
And if you're able to connectto that and right now we're
talking about self-love I madeit to this present moment.
I've made it to this nextpresent moment.
I've made it to this nextpresent moment.
I'm making it to the nextpresent moment.
(29:30):
So, then, you're building inyour life a habit of success, a
habit of gratitude, a habit ofknowing that you're able to
sustain yourself in the presentmoment successfully, and what
that does is it informs you that, whatever happens in the future
(29:54):
, you're going to more likelythan not be successful in
dealing with whatever that is,and so keeping yourself in the
present moment allows you tofeel that success that will come
as new things arrive, andyou're feeding that self-love.
Debbie (30:19):
Absolutely.
Deborah (30:20):
You're adding to that self-love and you're because of
that, you're also more able toimplement your self-care
practices.
Debbie (30:33):
Yeah, I don't even know how to piggyback on that Like
uh-huh, yep, yes, I agree.
Deborah (30:43):
We don't have to disagree.
Debbie (30:45):
No, no, no, I just, you know, I, I can't, I can't make
it better, it just it was, it'sperfect just like it is.
That's exactly what I think hasto happen because, um, you know
, no matter how we want to bemiserable, you know, a lot of us
live in a victim energy or alot of the time, some of the
(31:06):
time, part of the time, whatever, we've all made it this far.
That's success, right?
Some people haven't made it,but if you're listening, you've
made it right.
You've made it to this momentand then this next moment, in
this next moment, and you'regoing to continue to make it.
Somehow, somehow, you're goingto figure out a way.
(31:26):
It is how the brain works.
It wants to conserve calories Iknow that that's kind of
whatever but it also wants tosurvive, and we do.
We've learned how to survive,we will survive, and in that
surviving which is not fun we'velearned a lot, and it's a
(31:48):
matter of paying attention towhat have I learned and how am I
going to learn more from it.
So, when something not so greathappens, what am I learning and
how can I improve me?
Because that's the only personwe can improve.
How can I improve myself?
With better self-care, moreself-love or do something a
little bit different so I get abetter reaction or response next
(32:09):
time.
Deborah (32:09):
I hate to say reaction, but yeah, and the other thing,
that is a mission, my mission,one of the missions that I have
in life, is by loving ourselvesand having that level of
self-awareness.
It creates space for us to bemore compassionate, more loving
(32:30):
for others in the world.
I think if you're spending allof your time being anxious about
the future and being anxiousabout the past and not feeling
safe, feeling anxiety in justthis very moment, then it's hard
for you to think about anybodyelse's pain or anybody else's
(32:55):
existence.
You know, when I thought aboutall it is so funny and I don't
want to talk about, maybenecessarily the political, you
know thing that we're looking at, but it was so funny because I
was going oh, these people aregoing to be affected, and these
(33:16):
people are going to be affectedand these people are going to be
affected.
It's going to be horrible andyou know.
But first of all, I let myselffeel those feelings.
I had the opportunity to feelthose feelings and I totally
forgot how it was going to bedifferent for me, because I'm
like, oh, I'm Black and I'm awoman.
(33:37):
There's going to be some thingshappening here that's going to
affect me, but my point is thatI was able to, um contribute to
the well-being of society bythinking outside of myself,
being able to hold space forpeople other than myself,
(33:58):
because, when it comes rightdown to it, I'd rather live in a
world where we are aware andwant to take care of ourselves,
not at the expense of otherpeople where the power of love
overshadows the love of poweryeah, I mean, I love that yeah,
(34:21):
I, uh, I've been thinking aboutwhat can we do?
Debbie (34:23):
how can we, you know, make things like this happen?
And I, um, I, I meancommunities need to be formed.
I would like to offer to peoplethat are isolated right now and
feel very individual andthey're not part of groups, that
to get part of something, evenif it's a craft club, a book
club, an art community, if itdoesn't have to be a political
(34:47):
whatever.
But if you're feeling down, ifyou're feeling sad, if you're
feeling alone, feeling down, ifyou're feeling sad, if you're
feeling alone, feeling isolated,one way that you can help
yourself is by finding people oflike mind and participating
with them.
I'm not on TikTok.
I will go on YouTube and I, butI will see people will post
(35:08):
TikTok things on YouTube andI've seen something called the
fourB movement.
Have you seen that?
Deborah (35:14):
No.
Debbie (35:16):
So apparently in South Korea there's four words that
start with the letter B.
The way they're translated intoEnglish is these women are not
having sex, they're not dating,they're not getting married and
they're not having babies, andwhatever the however they say
(35:38):
that in Korean, they all startwith the letter B.
That has come over here now onTikTok and there's a lot of very
frustrated people that aretaking action and they're
finding their communities totake action in.
(35:58):
It's more political, and so ifsomebody is interested in that,
they can certainly do that.
But not everybody is anactivist.
Not everybody wants to putthemselves out there, wants to
(36:18):
put themselves out there.
But I think there's many of usand I say us, those that are
listening to this type ofpodcast that feel slighted, feel
like something went wrong, feellike there's a lot of fear.
I, how's my life going to workout?
And I'm not saying don't havethose feelings, but I am also
saying like, be consciouslyaware of what those are and
(36:39):
where they're coming from.
And, of course, if you need totalk to somebody you know, you
call either Deborah or I, get incontact with us.
You can also join some kind ofa group and have some
camaraderie somewhere, becausethat's making connection, and
connection is super importantright now.
Deborah (37:01):
Mm-hmm and support and one of the things when you were
talking, debbie, I mean I justlove what you said, but it is
not sunshine and unicorns inanybody's life.
Every day, all day, whatever,no matter what your practices
are, I love myself to death.
I think I'm fabulous.
(37:22):
I have great self carepractices I do but I give myself
permission, or permission tofeel my feels.
If I'm upset, if I'm you know,I have some concerns, or if I'm
fearful, or whatever my thing is, you just don't stay there.
(37:43):
It's like, okay, I'm gonnagrieve.
You know, this is not what Iexpected.
This is not what I had hopedfor.
I have some disappointment inthis moment, but now I am going
to support myself in movingthrough that and then I'm going
(38:04):
to come back to the present tosee what it is for me to do in
this moment and the thoughts andwhatever you're just choosing.
Debbie (38:15):
You may do on the individual basis, but you and I
have had conversation about it.
You've talked with Patrick,you've talked with other friends
, so you could.
You've been in community withpeople as well, so that you have
not felt alone the same with meyou know having.
So, yeah, we're justencouraging because your
(38:36):
wellness practice is differentfrom my wellness practice.
Deborah (38:38):
Right.
Debbie (38:40):
And we all do things differently.
So don't try to feel like youhave to do things in the way
that somebody else does them,but allow yourself to feel what
you're feeling.
Love yourself, put your armsaround yourself.
I've let myself cry because Ineeded to cry.
I needed to let it out, and itwas okay I did.
(39:02):
I was sad for a bit and then Iwas like, okay, it's not that I
won't be sad again or I can't besad now, or whatever, but it's
like I don't want to live in thespace of sad.
I can't do anything with sad.
I want to live in the space ofpossibility.
What comes next?
Where's the hope?
What, where?
What am I able to do?
(39:23):
And when I say hope, I don'tmean, like you said, rainbows
and unicorns.
I know it's going to get bad.
It's going to get bad.
And how am I preparing myselfto know that I'm going to get
bad?
It's going to get bad.
And how am I preparing myselfto know that I'm going to be
okay?
And I know that I'm going to beokay Somehow, some way, some
way, whatever.
I know I'll be okay.
(39:44):
I might be miserable, might beuncomfortable, but I'll still be
okay.
Right, it's how to not allow thefeeling of being a victim,
because that came up reallystrongly for me.
It's like I've been fighting mywhole life against this kind of
thing and now it's gone totallybackwards, you know, and I just
went through that whole thingbecause I am a survivor of
(40:06):
sexual abuse, so a lot of thatcame up for me, came up for me
and so, uh, but being able tolike having all this, these
skills, and being able to findwithin myself where I need to go
internally to be okay, um, findmy clarity, etc.
Uh has made all the differencein the world.
Deborah (40:27):
Um, so highly encouraging people to yeah, yeah
, and I love, just like what yousay.
And if your current communityisn't supporting you, isn't
serving you, have the courage tostep out and find one.
That is, I think, a lot of us.
I've had to do this severaltimes in my life.
(40:49):
You know where I've been in acommunity.
I've been entrenched in acommunity, you know, and it
wasn't serving me, I wasn'tthriving, I wasn't enjoying it
even.
I mean there was some benefitbecause we had fun, but I had to
find the courage to step outand reach out to other
(41:12):
communities or to other peoplethat were more aligned with what
I believe supports my self-care, my everyday existence.
Debbie (41:25):
You just made me realize and I hope this doesn't come
off like being arrogant or asmart aleck but the less I knew
myself, the less I knew myself,it seemed like, the more I was
willing to people please, to tryto fit in, to try to connect,
to do whatever I thought that Ineeded to do in order for them
(41:47):
to accept me.
And it was hard to leavebecause I was looking for a
validation, right.
But now I'm, it's pretty easyfor me to say thank you, I hope
you guys enjoy yourself, butthis isn't working for me and to
be able to step away from itwithout worrying oh my gosh, did
(42:07):
I hurt their feelings?
The thing is a day from now, 24hours.
They're not even going toremember who I am you know what
I mean.
They're going to be on tosomething else.
But again, it's about how am Itaking care of myself?
How am I making sure that thegroup that I'm with is
supportive of me?
They are, you know, somethingthat's going to be beneficial,
(42:29):
not just to have fun or whatever, although that's fine too, but
there's some other heartconnection that's going to
matter and make a difference.
Deborah (42:37):
So so we've kind of come full circle with this
conversation.
Debbie (42:44):
What a surprise.
Never done that before.
All right, well, as we like toremind you, guys, we thank you
for the loves, the likes, thecomments.
They're very special andprecious to us.
We will respond to them, sofeel free to continue to do that
(43:06):
.
Deborah (43:06):
And, as always, we invite you to love and care for
the shero in you.
Bye.
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