February 3, 2025 • 29 mins
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Unlock the secrets of transformative communication with us as we explore the first agreement from don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements": "Be Impeccable with Your Word. Imagine using your words not just to speak truth but to create a life filled with authenticity and freedom. We reflect on how aligning our speech with our genuine selves can break down barriers and open up new realms of personal growth and self-awareness.
Picture the struggle of returning to work after a blissful vacation. We dive into the art of "re-entry" and how it ties into self-care and maintaining a balanced life. This episode is packed with personal stories and strategies for replacing negativity with positivity. By being conscious of our words and actions, we can develop new agreements that resonate with who we truly are. Speaking up for ourselves isn't just a necessity; it's a path to continuous improvement and creating a supportive environment.
Words are powerful tools that can either connect or divide us. Through anecdotes and humor, we unravel the layers of communication, sharing insights into how automatic phrases can impact our relationships.
Join us in fostering a community where language is used to uplift and empower. Stay engaged with us through potential book clubs (let us know what you're thinking!) and initiatives that deepen our connections. By practicing impeccable language, we can cultivate a life filled with joy, peace, and love, recognizing that every step towards better communication enriches our journey.
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Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Debbie (00:05):
Well, hello, Deborah.
How are you?
Deborah (00:07):
I am fabulous, how are you
Debbie (00:09):
Good, and how is everybody listening today?
You know we started to do this.
I don't even know what you callthis, but it's several episodes
.
So we're talking about a bookthe Four Agreements by Don
Miguel Ruiz book, the FourAgreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
(00:31):
and our last episode we talkedabout the introduction part of
it and it's about how we'reessentially domesticated from
childhood.
I hate that word because itsounds like an animal, you know,
but you know how do they trainlike whales and dolphins and to
do things.
They reward the positivebehavior only and just ignore
(00:51):
the negative behavior.
But not in my household.
I don't know about anybodyelse's, but yeah, we were
domesticated by what everybody,a lot of people, is, that reward
and punishment kind of system,and he talks about that.
And then how we inherit limitingbeliefs and self-sabotaging
(01:16):
patterns, mainly because of thattrying to do right and wrong by
the people in the household wegrew up in.
And then those limiting beliefsthat we learn and the
self-sabotaging patterns.
They help shape our perceptionof reality.
And then there's this seeminglyhuman collective of an illusion
(01:44):
that's based on fear, judgmentand societal conditioning, and
what we're wanting to do is tohelp we, as in the Shiro Cafe,
is we're wanting to help peoplebreak free from this illusion,
because it can be done.
And in a way to start doingthis is by adopting the four
(02:06):
agreements, which are verypowerful, from this book, but to
adopt them for ourselves, right?
These four agreements are foryou, the individual, not to make
sure that somebody else likeswhat you're doing, but just for
you.
And by adopting these powerfulagreements, it can help lead us
(02:27):
to personal freedom.
That's emotional freedom, whichis amazing.
Authenticity, integrity andtransformation.
So it's huge.
I mean, to me it's a really bigdeal.
I've always loved integrity andauthenticity.
Big deal.
I've always loved integrity andauthenticity.
(02:48):
The truth has always meant alot to me.
So when I came across this book, I fell in love with it.
So, deborah, why don't you tellus what we're going to be
talking about today?
Deborah (02:55):
So before we get started, I want to say, you know
, kind of the same thing for mewhen I came across this book
many, many, many years ago.
It was a way of enlightenmentand being conscious of things
that before I had no awarenessof, any conscious awareness of,
(03:19):
and how my existence in theworld is affecting my existence
in the world, right.
So I felt like at the time thateverything that was happening
to me was happening to me andwas outside of my control.
This is the first thing that Iran across that made me aware
that I have some control and Ihave awareness that can bring,
(03:44):
inform how my reality is.
So this one that we're going tobe talking about today is the
first agreement, and it is beimpeccable with your word.
(04:08):
Little bit interesting because Ithink that, um, when we were
talking about those, um, youknow how we were kind of molded
with rewards, good or bad orwhatever we think about.
Being impeccable with your wordis not lying or telling the
truth or keeping your word, butin this agreement we're talking
more about, um, using your wordsand your language in a way that
(04:32):
uplifts rather than harms, andwe're talking about not only
others but yourself as well.
So impeccable comes from theLatin word M without and
peccatus, which means sin, andthat means when you speak your
(04:53):
words, you are without sin inwhat you say.
Now you can define sin in anyway that you want to.
I'm not saying what sin is andwhat isn't.
So the point is is that wordsare powerful.
They shape reality, they shapeour own inner world, they shape
(05:15):
our outer world, they influenceour emotions, our
self-perception, and what we sayand sometimes what we don't say
is really a good way that wecan have control over that.
So that's, that's kind of whatwhat the book presents as uh, as
(05:40):
the what being impeccable withyour word means.
But I also want to point out,debbie, that this is also deeply
connected to self-care andwell-being, because the way we
speak to ourselves, the way thatwe speak to others, we can
(06:02):
speak for connection andwellness, or the opposite can be
the case it directly impactsour mental, emotional and even
physical health.
I know there's been times whenI said things to people where
I'm like whoa, where did thatcome from?
(06:22):
That is not like me and itcreates a physical, a physical
reaction in my body.
I'm all of a sudden not atpeace because I did not speak in
a way that aligns with who Iknow myself to truly be and
that's how you are now, but itwasn't always that way.
Debbie (06:44):
Exactly, yeah, I uh, I remember when I first read be
impeccable with your word, itfelt like, yeah, I wish
everybody else would beimpeccable with their word
because they lie, and I was allmad at people and I I felt like
I told the truth, you know, andthat's what that meant.
(07:04):
But when?
But when reading the book, ithas so much more impact.
He says this is one of the mostdifficult ones to honor, Not
for me.
This was an easier one for me.
This agreement, Um, there's twoother that are really, really
(07:26):
challenging for me.
We'll we'll get more into thatlater.
But um, he also talked aboutbeing impeccable with your word
means watch everything thatcomes out of your mouth, because
you're creating your reality.
So if you gossip about otherpeople, if you are blaming
(07:47):
others, it is the perpetuationof the misery meant without sin,
and I do like how he talksabout sin, because it's not in a
religious way, it is in a sinmeaning more like a rejection of
(08:16):
yourself anything you do thatgoes against yourself.
And being impeccable or withoutsin, means that you're taking
responsibility for your thoughts, your words, your actions.
You're not blaming, shaming,judging, and that is challenging
.
That is challenging to notjudge other people or not judge
(08:40):
yourself.
And but as you practice itright and pay attention to it,
that's where the magic to mestarts coming in.
I remember growing up and Iheard over and over cause, you
know, there was a few of us inthe family played instruments
and practice makes perfect,practice makes perfect.
(09:01):
I used to hate that because Inever felt good enough, no
matter what I did.
I just it was like no, itdoesn't.
You know, I just couldn't, Icouldn't accept those words as
truth, and I don't know how oldI was mid fifties I suppose and
(09:22):
I was in a workshop and a womansaid practice makes.
And I'm like, perfect, you know, I know that one all too well.
And she says well, that is whata lot of people say, but we
like to say practice makesprogress and I thought oh that's
so much betterbecause I can progress, I can
(09:42):
get better, but perfect's kindof a weird word for me.
So you know, being impeccablewith your word is not being
perfect, it's progressing andgetting better.
And if you do screw up beingcompassionate with yourself
because you're recommitting toyourself to do, you know to pay
(10:06):
attention to that so that youcan do better the next time.
And yeah, it's our brains,something that I you said
something earlier and I can'tremember exactly what it was.
Can't remember exactly what itwas, but it made me think about
(10:26):
how our brains are like a, abrand new computer, like when
we're born.
It's like a brand new computerthat has no programs or anything
on it and other people downloadtheir programs into our brain.
Versus current day, if you gobuy a computer, you get to put
whatever programs you want toput on there, right, you get to
(10:48):
choose that.
So I like to look at this bookand these agreements like
firewalls and virus protection,where yeah, I can see that yeah,
yeah, so that it's like you.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, yeah, so that it's likeyou get rid of the bad stuff but
you can still let the goodstuff in, right, so you can
(11:14):
still learn and stuff.
So, anyway, you know, peopleare constantly planting seeds,
even though they may not realizeit, because they've got their
own opinions and their own ideasand their own concepts about
the way things should be andmaybe that is good or right for
them.
But we individually have to beimpeccable with our word for and
(11:40):
to ourselves so that when theiropinions and ideas and concepts
go against what feels like it'sin our highest good or our best
interest, we're able to knowthank you, without destroying
another person, not blaming them.
(12:01):
With you know, quit trying to.
You know not blaming them.
With you know, quit trying to.
You know impress your ideas orwhatever on me.
We want.
I know I do.
It's a, it's an automaticresponse for me.
It's that anxiety response oflike fight, flight, freeze I.
Just I want to fight back.
Like, don't, you know, like Iget very frustrated pretty
quickly if somebody is pushing.
(12:22):
So this helps me recognize,along with the other agreements,
helps me recognize that peopleare just doing what they do, and
it's not against me, they'rejust.
They're just trying to figureout their world and their life.
Deborah (12:42):
Exactly, I mean.
And another thing that you know,that that I that always comes
to mind, to what that did cometo mind to me when I was reading
this chapter, is I think it'sMaya Angelou that said you know,
people may not remember whatyou said to them, what happened,
but they do remember how youmade them feel Right.
(13:05):
And so if you can understand thewords that you're saying, you
know, even towards yourself, ifI'm saying negative things
towards myself, you know, or, ormy self-talk is not aligning
with who I want to be, then youknow it's like do I want to hang
out with myself or do I want tohang out with that person
(13:28):
that's always saying, usingtheir words negatively, against
even themselves or other people,because you know, oh, when I'm
around that person, they'realways, you know, saying bad
things about whatever thesituation is, and they don't
(13:50):
make me feel good Right now.
And so that's a another way oflooking at it is, when you want
to go out in the world, when youwant to go inside yourself, you
want to use the words thatuplift people, that make them
feel like, oh, I've been betterfor having an interaction with
(14:14):
this person, whether it's apositive situation or not.
Debbie (14:19):
Well, that makes me think of two words restrictive
and expansive.
And so it's like how do youfeel?
You know, and ask in theaudience you know, how do you
feel after you spend time with aparticular person, you know?
Do you feel restrictive, like,oh, you shut down, or do you
feel expansive, like that wasenjoyable and I want more of
(14:40):
that.
Right, I had a situation where Iwent to a place to get my
computer fixed and the younglady that was there was a little
bit like fussing about her job,like it's OK, but you know, I
(15:02):
just got off a vacation stresses, and then we come back.
There may be what I like tocall a period of reentry.
It's like you got to take aminute to kind of get back in
the stress of life, right, yeah,yeah, but that that is actually
(15:25):
a message.
And so I asked her, you know,like it's not the job itself,
but if, because the job may bewonderful for somebody else, but
if the vacation felt veryexpansive, but now you're back
(15:46):
and you're feeling veryrestrictive and confined and
very frustrated, you know whatis the message?
In other words, how impeccable,with your own word, are you
being if you push aside thosefeelings and force yourself to
go back into a restrictivesituation that you really don't
(16:11):
really care to be in.
And for her it was verypowerful because she got to see
that she gets to choose.
Deborah (16:20):
And um, yeah, that was exactly what I was thinking.
I was like you know, um, yeah,that was exactly what I was
thinking.
I was like you know, you shouldbe what?
(16:44):
The first thing, of course, mebeing the self-care person.
You should be having that levelof self-care and support,
whether you're on vacation or atwork, right?
And so if you are not and thisis not necessarily directly
related to being impeccable withyour word, but I think that
your actions follow your wordsIf that is not something that
you're able to set up, no matterwhat situation that you're in,
then you need to look at thatsituation and see how it
(17:06):
supports or doesn't support you,and look at what words maybe
you need to speak to your bossor to your co-workers or to
yourself, to put you in aposition where you can still
feel really completely balancedand uplifted in any situation.
Now, none of us are going to besinging the unicorn song 24
(17:29):
seven, right, but it gives youlike a it's, it's a, it's a
cycle, and if you find thatyou're more down in those cycles
than you are up, then you maywant to look around and see what
you need to.
You need to speak up foryourself.
Debbie (17:45):
Sure, absolutely.
And that's why we needself-care coaches like you, um,
because people don't really justknow how to do it and they need
to get taught.
And you know, just like rightnow, to be impeccable with your
word, I know when I first readit I didn't really know how to
do it, and it took some learninghow to do it, because I kept oh
(18:10):
, I don't want to, I want to sayI kept coming up short, but I
was also learning when I came upshort and eventually I've
gotten to where I'm pretty goodat it.
I'm not perfect, because I canstill hear somebody did
something I don't even know.
Like you know, we'll use thecar in the road, kind of thing,
and I immediately go into whatis wrong with you.
Deborah (18:31):
You know kind of thing.
Debbie (18:32):
But I can pull myself back now because I hear those
words, because I loved a phraseI heard many years ago and it
said we do not have the luxuryof a negative thought, which is
a little different connotation.
But if we don't have the luxuryof a negative thought, why is
(18:55):
that?
And it comes back to whatDomega Rua said it's like the
mind is a fertile ground andseeds are constantly being
planted.
So if we're speaking negatively, we're having those negative
thoughts, we're plantingnegative seeds, so to speak.
So we don't have the luxury,we're planting weeds.
(19:15):
We're planting weeds, that's itright.
Not seeds, but weeds, and soyeah, so it's just super, super
important and I guess we're justreally pushing that.
So how do we move beyond it?
Apparently, the only thing thatcan break us from old
(19:37):
agreements which, again, may nothave been real conscious
agreements, but they're stillthere and we may have agreed
upon acting a particular way,because if we didn't, we were
afraid of verbal, emotional,mental, physical harm.
Right, so we agreed to act inparticular ways.
So, even though we didn't wantto agree to it, we did agree
(20:00):
because we were in survival.
And then we leave our homes andschools and neighborhoods and
we're still doing the same thingdecades and decades later.
So the only thing that canbreak us free from the old
agreement is to literallyreplace it with a new agreement.
Deborah (20:28):
But one of the things I was having a conversation with
one of my clients the other dayand we were talking about
something that she does with herwords that doesn't have a
positive impact in thecommunication or whatever, and I
was.
(20:48):
It came down to the point whereyou realize that some of these
things that have been beat intous literally are just habits
that we've taken on.
And you know, and it's just ahabit that I respond this way,
that I, and so then what is oursto do?
(21:08):
One way that we can do this isto break that habit and find a
way to break that habit.
So when you do something likelike we said, we're not a
hundred percent right and you'renot going to be a hundred
percent until you get a lot ofexperience breaking that habit.
So you can decide withinyourself okay, you know what,
(21:31):
I'm always gossiping.
Let's just say I'm alwaysgossiping.
How am I going to break thathabit?
And you know you say, okay,when I catch myself gossiping,
you know, oops, there I go again.
I, you know just whatever youneed to do to kind of get that
turned around.
Debbie (21:51):
I want to tell you a cute little story.
I um, it wasn't even, but maybelike two years ago, um, I had
been, you know, on my own questabout being impeccable with my
word and learning new stuffabout myself and and watching,
being consciously aware of whatthe words are, what words were
(22:13):
coming out of my mouth.
And I have two dogs, and one'sreally laid back and kind of
demure and she just waits foryou and is very sweet, and the
other one's kind of like alittle tank, you know.
And so if, if I say, um, let'sgo for a ride in the car, I'm
scared to say it out loudbecause they're like right here,
(22:35):
uh.
But if I say those words likeout loud, like let's geo, let's
sorry, but um, like ready, likejust ready, like right there,
like like oh, let's do it, let'sdo it.
And then the other one's like oh, I'll just wait for you to pick
me up and put me in there, youknow, but what I just drives me
crazy is when we get to the car,no matter what door I open the
(22:58):
tank, that she will just justlike you're not leaving without
me, like she just blasts intothe car.
And it drives me crazy becausesometimes I'm just putting my
purse down, so I'm opening thefront door.
No, they go in the back.
Okay, so I opened the frontdoor and she's in there and I'm
like you know, get in the backseat anyway.
(23:19):
So this one day.
So I'm telling her no, do not,do not get in right now.
I'm expecting to be quoteunquote obeyed, right, cause the
alpha of the pack must beobeyed.
I can tell she is not going tolisten to me.
She is not.
But I'm being like don't youstay, stay, stay.
(23:40):
And I'm being very, veryadamant in my voice about you
stay.
And I opened the door and shestayed.
I couldn't believe that she wasright inside.
She was like blasted right pastme and you could tell the
excitement she's got.
Her ears go a particular way.
She's just so excited and I waslike oh no, you're not, Get out
(24:03):
, get out, get out.
And she would not come out.
Well, finally, I had a leash onand I pulled her out and I set
her down and I said stay,because I wanted her to stay.
But before I could get her todo that, she took off running,
ok, I know.
And I was like these are thewords that came out of my mouth.
We're talking about payingattention.
And I went you should beashamed of yourself.
(24:27):
And I went did I just shame mydog?
You know, it was crazy and Ijust in awe of hearing my
parentals, my parents, wordscoming out of my mouth without I
(24:47):
wasn't, there was no thought,it was just an automatic
response to something and I wasjust kind of blown away and it
just made me even more awarewhen I'm speaking, did I really
say what I wanted to say?
So anyway, that was not a realshort story.
Deborah (25:11):
I thought it was gonna be shorter than that, but I mean
, it's just, it's just kind of.
You know, when we're talkingabout this, I'm thinking about
so many different different youknow examples in my life.
You know where it is just veryeasy to see how the words that
you're using can help or hurt.
(25:32):
You know, can connect ordisconnect, and, and I got one
little funny story I know we'regetting to the end of the
episode here, but one littlefunny story.
I was telling my husband aboutsomething that happened and blah
, blah, blah, blah, and I waslike da, da, da, da, da da.
And he's like judge much.
(25:53):
I'm like I'm not judging, I'mjust telling you what happened,
this is the truth.
And then I had to, like youknow, go.
Was I judging?
I thought I was just sharingwith him something that happened
, you know in my day.
And so I repeat that just tosay that sometimes it's good to
(26:15):
just step back and look and seewhat the words that you were
saying and how they werereceived and what the impact of
them were.
They were received and what theimpact of them were, because we
can just go through life withblinders on, thinking everything
that we do is upliftingeverybody or not impacting
(26:35):
everybody, because that's one ofthe things that I have to say
to myself.
You know, words haveconsequences and you get to
choose what the consequences arefor yourself, your loved ones
and others, based on how you useyour words.
Or for me, in some cases, notuse my words.
Debbie (26:57):
Yeah, and so basically, nobody's perfect.
Everybody is going to.
I don't know that there wouldbe, no matter how long you
practice.
I don't know that.
I mean, maybe there are peoplethat can be so impeccable with
their word that they never, ever, ever mess up.
I'm not one of those people,not yet, not yet.
(27:19):
However, practicing beingimpeccable with my word,
practicing shifting and changingwhen I do notice that I have
been not impeccable with my wordhas made a huge difference in
my life.
I feel much more joy, a lotmore inner peace.
(27:42):
There's definitely more lovethere and and just a genuine
happiness.
So it's a really, really goodagreement to have with yourself,
all right.
Deborah (28:01):
So I guess we are.
Well, you know what?
I'm just going to invite you tothink about it, just think
about it, you know, and if youget the book, I would just, I
would just love it, because theygive you a much more detail
than what we can give here bookthing on it.
Debbie (28:27):
We'll think about that and if so, if people are
interested, they're going tosomehow participate with us.
So maybe subscribe to us,because we, we love you guys so
much.
Um, your participation is whatkeeps us, uh this space thriving
and connected.
And if you're not on our uhsubscription list, uh get on it
so that when we do decide tohave a different kind of book
clubs, you you'll know about it.
(28:48):
And thanks for all the loves,likes and comments.
Deborah (28:52):
So so my last question is how do you plan on using your
impeccable words to upliftyourself and others?
And, as always, always, always,we invite you to love and care
for the shero and you all.
Right bye, guys.
Well, hello, Deborah.
How are you?
Deborah (00:07):
I am fabulous, how are you
Debbie (00:09):
Good, and how is everybody listening today?
You know we started to do this.
I don't even know what you callthis, but it's several episodes
.
So we're talking about a bookthe Four Agreements by Don
Miguel Ruiz book, the FourAgreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
(00:31):
and our last episode we talkedabout the introduction part of
it and it's about how we'reessentially domesticated from
childhood.
I hate that word because itsounds like an animal, you know,
but you know how do they trainlike whales and dolphins and to
do things.
They reward the positivebehavior only and just ignore
(00:51):
the negative behavior.
But not in my household.
I don't know about anybodyelse's, but yeah, we were
domesticated by what everybody,a lot of people, is, that reward
and punishment kind of system,and he talks about that.
And then how we inherit limitingbeliefs and self-sabotaging
(01:16):
patterns, mainly because of thattrying to do right and wrong by
the people in the household wegrew up in.
And then those limiting beliefsthat we learn and the
self-sabotaging patterns.
They help shape our perceptionof reality.
And then there's this seeminglyhuman collective of an illusion
(01:44):
that's based on fear, judgmentand societal conditioning, and
what we're wanting to do is tohelp we, as in the Shiro Cafe,
is we're wanting to help peoplebreak free from this illusion,
because it can be done.
And in a way to start doingthis is by adopting the four
(02:06):
agreements, which are verypowerful, from this book, but to
adopt them for ourselves, right?
These four agreements are foryou, the individual, not to make
sure that somebody else likeswhat you're doing, but just for
you.
And by adopting these powerfulagreements, it can help lead us
(02:27):
to personal freedom.
That's emotional freedom, whichis amazing.
Authenticity, integrity andtransformation.
So it's huge.
I mean, to me it's a really bigdeal.
I've always loved integrity andauthenticity.
Big deal.
I've always loved integrity andauthenticity.
(02:48):
The truth has always meant alot to me.
So when I came across this book, I fell in love with it.
So, deborah, why don't you tellus what we're going to be
talking about today?
Deborah (02:55):
So before we get started, I want to say, you know
, kind of the same thing for mewhen I came across this book
many, many, many years ago.
It was a way of enlightenmentand being conscious of things
that before I had no awarenessof, any conscious awareness of,
(03:19):
and how my existence in theworld is affecting my existence
in the world, right.
So I felt like at the time thateverything that was happening
to me was happening to me andwas outside of my control.
This is the first thing that Iran across that made me aware
that I have some control and Ihave awareness that can bring,
(03:44):
inform how my reality is.
So this one that we're going tobe talking about today is the
first agreement, and it is beimpeccable with your word.
(04:08):
Little bit interesting because Ithink that, um, when we were
talking about those, um, youknow how we were kind of molded
with rewards, good or bad orwhatever we think about.
Being impeccable with your wordis not lying or telling the
truth or keeping your word, butin this agreement we're talking
more about, um, using your wordsand your language in a way that
(04:32):
uplifts rather than harms, andwe're talking about not only
others but yourself as well.
So impeccable comes from theLatin word M without and
peccatus, which means sin, andthat means when you speak your
(04:53):
words, you are without sin inwhat you say.
Now you can define sin in anyway that you want to.
I'm not saying what sin is andwhat isn't.
So the point is is that wordsare powerful.
They shape reality, they shapeour own inner world, they shape
(05:15):
our outer world, they influenceour emotions, our
self-perception, and what we sayand sometimes what we don't say
is really a good way that wecan have control over that.
So that's, that's kind of whatwhat the book presents as uh, as
(05:40):
the what being impeccable withyour word means.
But I also want to point out,debbie, that this is also deeply
connected to self-care andwell-being, because the way we
speak to ourselves, the way thatwe speak to others, we can
(06:02):
speak for connection andwellness, or the opposite can be
the case it directly impactsour mental, emotional and even
physical health.
I know there's been times whenI said things to people where
I'm like whoa, where did thatcome from?
(06:22):
That is not like me and itcreates a physical, a physical
reaction in my body.
I'm all of a sudden not atpeace because I did not speak in
a way that aligns with who Iknow myself to truly be and
that's how you are now, but itwasn't always that way.
Debbie (06:44):
Exactly, yeah, I uh, I remember when I first read be
impeccable with your word, itfelt like, yeah, I wish
everybody else would beimpeccable with their word
because they lie, and I was allmad at people and I I felt like
I told the truth, you know, andthat's what that meant.
(07:04):
But when?
But when reading the book, ithas so much more impact.
He says this is one of the mostdifficult ones to honor, Not
for me.
This was an easier one for me.
This agreement, Um, there's twoother that are really, really
(07:26):
challenging for me.
We'll we'll get more into thatlater.
But um, he also talked aboutbeing impeccable with your word
means watch everything thatcomes out of your mouth, because
you're creating your reality.
So if you gossip about otherpeople, if you are blaming
(07:47):
others, it is the perpetuationof the misery meant without sin,
and I do like how he talksabout sin, because it's not in a
religious way, it is in a sinmeaning more like a rejection of
(08:16):
yourself anything you do thatgoes against yourself.
And being impeccable or withoutsin, means that you're taking
responsibility for your thoughts, your words, your actions.
You're not blaming, shaming,judging, and that is challenging
.
That is challenging to notjudge other people or not judge
(08:40):
yourself.
And but as you practice itright and pay attention to it,
that's where the magic to mestarts coming in.
I remember growing up and Iheard over and over cause, you
know, there was a few of us inthe family played instruments
and practice makes perfect,practice makes perfect.
(09:01):
I used to hate that because Inever felt good enough, no
matter what I did.
I just it was like no, itdoesn't.
You know, I just couldn't, Icouldn't accept those words as
truth, and I don't know how oldI was mid fifties I suppose and
(09:22):
I was in a workshop and a womansaid practice makes.
And I'm like, perfect, you know, I know that one all too well.
And she says well, that is whata lot of people say, but we
like to say practice makesprogress and I thought oh that's
so much betterbecause I can progress, I can
(09:42):
get better, but perfect's kindof a weird word for me.
So you know, being impeccablewith your word is not being
perfect, it's progressing andgetting better.
And if you do screw up beingcompassionate with yourself
because you're recommitting toyourself to do, you know to pay
(10:06):
attention to that so that youcan do better the next time.
And yeah, it's our brains,something that I you said
something earlier and I can'tremember exactly what it was.
Can't remember exactly what itwas, but it made me think about
(10:26):
how our brains are like a, abrand new computer, like when
we're born.
It's like a brand new computerthat has no programs or anything
on it and other people downloadtheir programs into our brain.
Versus current day, if you gobuy a computer, you get to put
whatever programs you want toput on there, right, you get to
(10:48):
choose that.
So I like to look at this bookand these agreements like
firewalls and virus protection,where yeah, I can see that yeah,
yeah, so that it's like you.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, yeah, so that it's likeyou get rid of the bad stuff but
you can still let the goodstuff in, right, so you can
(11:14):
still learn and stuff.
So, anyway, you know, peopleare constantly planting seeds,
even though they may not realizeit, because they've got their
own opinions and their own ideasand their own concepts about
the way things should be andmaybe that is good or right for
them.
But we individually have to beimpeccable with our word for and
(11:40):
to ourselves so that when theiropinions and ideas and concepts
go against what feels like it'sin our highest good or our best
interest, we're able to knowthank you, without destroying
another person, not blaming them.
(12:01):
With you know, quit trying to.
You know not blaming them.
With you know, quit trying to.
You know impress your ideas orwhatever on me.
We want.
I know I do.
It's a, it's an automaticresponse for me.
It's that anxiety response oflike fight, flight, freeze I.
Just I want to fight back.
Like, don't, you know, like Iget very frustrated pretty
quickly if somebody is pushing.
(12:22):
So this helps me recognize,along with the other agreements,
helps me recognize that peopleare just doing what they do, and
it's not against me, they'rejust.
They're just trying to figureout their world and their life.
Deborah (12:42):
Exactly, I mean.
And another thing that you know,that that I that always comes
to mind, to what that did cometo mind to me when I was reading
this chapter, is I think it'sMaya Angelou that said you know,
people may not remember whatyou said to them, what happened,
but they do remember how youmade them feel Right.
(13:05):
And so if you can understand thewords that you're saying, you
know, even towards yourself, ifI'm saying negative things
towards myself, you know, or, ormy self-talk is not aligning
with who I want to be, then youknow it's like do I want to hang
out with myself or do I want tohang out with that person
(13:28):
that's always saying, usingtheir words negatively, against
even themselves or other people,because you know, oh, when I'm
around that person, they'realways, you know, saying bad
things about whatever thesituation is, and they don't
(13:50):
make me feel good Right now.
And so that's a another way oflooking at it is, when you want
to go out in the world, when youwant to go inside yourself, you
want to use the words thatuplift people, that make them
feel like, oh, I've been betterfor having an interaction with
(14:14):
this person, whether it's apositive situation or not.
Debbie (14:19):
Well, that makes me think of two words restrictive
and expansive.
And so it's like how do youfeel?
You know, and ask in theaudience you know, how do you
feel after you spend time with aparticular person, you know?
Do you feel restrictive, like,oh, you shut down, or do you
feel expansive, like that wasenjoyable and I want more of
(14:40):
that.
Right, I had a situation where Iwent to a place to get my
computer fixed and the younglady that was there was a little
bit like fussing about her job,like it's OK, but you know, I
(15:02):
just got off a vacation stresses, and then we come back.
There may be what I like tocall a period of reentry.
It's like you got to take aminute to kind of get back in
the stress of life, right, yeah,yeah, but that that is actually
(15:25):
a message.
And so I asked her, you know,like it's not the job itself,
but if, because the job may bewonderful for somebody else, but
if the vacation felt veryexpansive, but now you're back
(15:46):
and you're feeling veryrestrictive and confined and
very frustrated, you know whatis the message?
In other words, how impeccable,with your own word, are you
being if you push aside thosefeelings and force yourself to
go back into a restrictivesituation that you really don't
(16:11):
really care to be in.
And for her it was verypowerful because she got to see
that she gets to choose.
Deborah (16:20):
And um, yeah, that was exactly what I was thinking.
I was like you know, um, yeah,that was exactly what I was
thinking.
I was like you know, you shouldbe what?
(16:44):
The first thing, of course, mebeing the self-care person.
You should be having that levelof self-care and support,
whether you're on vacation or atwork, right?
And so if you are not and thisis not necessarily directly
related to being impeccable withyour word, but I think that
your actions follow your wordsIf that is not something that
you're able to set up, no matterwhat situation that you're in,
then you need to look at thatsituation and see how it
(17:06):
supports or doesn't support you,and look at what words maybe
you need to speak to your bossor to your co-workers or to
yourself, to put you in aposition where you can still
feel really completely balancedand uplifted in any situation.
Now, none of us are going to besinging the unicorn song 24
(17:29):
seven, right, but it gives youlike a it's, it's a, it's a
cycle, and if you find thatyou're more down in those cycles
than you are up, then you maywant to look around and see what
you need to.
You need to speak up foryourself.
Debbie (17:45):
Sure, absolutely.
And that's why we needself-care coaches like you, um,
because people don't really justknow how to do it and they need
to get taught.
And you know, just like rightnow, to be impeccable with your
word, I know when I first readit I didn't really know how to
do it, and it took some learninghow to do it, because I kept oh
(18:10):
, I don't want to, I want to sayI kept coming up short, but I
was also learning when I came upshort and eventually I've
gotten to where I'm pretty goodat it.
I'm not perfect, because I canstill hear somebody did
something I don't even know.
Like you know, we'll use thecar in the road, kind of thing,
and I immediately go into whatis wrong with you.
Deborah (18:31):
You know kind of thing.
Debbie (18:32):
But I can pull myself back now because I hear those
words, because I loved a phraseI heard many years ago and it
said we do not have the luxuryof a negative thought, which is
a little different connotation.
But if we don't have the luxuryof a negative thought, why is
(18:55):
that?
And it comes back to whatDomega Rua said it's like the
mind is a fertile ground andseeds are constantly being
planted.
So if we're speaking negatively, we're having those negative
thoughts, we're plantingnegative seeds, so to speak.
So we don't have the luxury,we're planting weeds.
(19:15):
We're planting weeds, that's itright.
Not seeds, but weeds, and soyeah, so it's just super, super
important and I guess we're justreally pushing that.
So how do we move beyond it?
Apparently, the only thing thatcan break us from old
(19:37):
agreements which, again, may nothave been real conscious
agreements, but they're stillthere and we may have agreed
upon acting a particular way,because if we didn't, we were
afraid of verbal, emotional,mental, physical harm.
Right, so we agreed to act inparticular ways.
So, even though we didn't wantto agree to it, we did agree
(20:00):
because we were in survival.
And then we leave our homes andschools and neighborhoods and
we're still doing the same thingdecades and decades later.
So the only thing that canbreak us free from the old
agreement is to literallyreplace it with a new agreement.
Deborah (20:28):
But one of the things I was having a conversation with
one of my clients the other dayand we were talking about
something that she does with herwords that doesn't have a
positive impact in thecommunication or whatever, and I
was.
(20:48):
It came down to the point whereyou realize that some of these
things that have been beat intous literally are just habits
that we've taken on.
And you know, and it's just ahabit that I respond this way,
that I, and so then what is oursto do?
(21:08):
One way that we can do this isto break that habit and find a
way to break that habit.
So when you do something likelike we said, we're not a
hundred percent right and you'renot going to be a hundred
percent until you get a lot ofexperience breaking that habit.
So you can decide withinyourself okay, you know what,
(21:31):
I'm always gossiping.
Let's just say I'm alwaysgossiping.
How am I going to break thathabit?
And you know you say, okay,when I catch myself gossiping,
you know, oops, there I go again.
I, you know just whatever youneed to do to kind of get that
turned around.
Debbie (21:51):
I want to tell you a cute little story.
I um, it wasn't even, but maybelike two years ago, um, I had
been, you know, on my own questabout being impeccable with my
word and learning new stuffabout myself and and watching,
being consciously aware of whatthe words are, what words were
(22:13):
coming out of my mouth.
And I have two dogs, and one'sreally laid back and kind of
demure and she just waits foryou and is very sweet, and the
other one's kind of like alittle tank, you know.
And so if, if I say, um, let'sgo for a ride in the car, I'm
scared to say it out loudbecause they're like right here,
(22:35):
uh.
But if I say those words likeout loud, like let's geo, let's
sorry, but um, like ready, likejust ready, like right there,
like like oh, let's do it, let'sdo it.
And then the other one's like oh, I'll just wait for you to pick
me up and put me in there, youknow, but what I just drives me
crazy is when we get to the car,no matter what door I open the
(22:58):
tank, that she will just justlike you're not leaving without
me, like she just blasts intothe car.
And it drives me crazy becausesometimes I'm just putting my
purse down, so I'm opening thefront door.
No, they go in the back.
Okay, so I opened the frontdoor and she's in there and I'm
like you know, get in the backseat anyway.
(23:19):
So this one day.
So I'm telling her no, do not,do not get in right now.
I'm expecting to be quoteunquote obeyed, right, cause the
alpha of the pack must beobeyed.
I can tell she is not going tolisten to me.
She is not.
But I'm being like don't youstay, stay, stay.
(23:40):
And I'm being very, veryadamant in my voice about you
stay.
And I opened the door and shestayed.
I couldn't believe that she wasright inside.
She was like blasted right pastme and you could tell the
excitement she's got.
Her ears go a particular way.
She's just so excited and I waslike oh no, you're not, Get out
(24:03):
, get out, get out.
And she would not come out.
Well, finally, I had a leash onand I pulled her out and I set
her down and I said stay,because I wanted her to stay.
But before I could get her todo that, she took off running,
ok, I know.
And I was like these are thewords that came out of my mouth.
We're talking about payingattention.
And I went you should beashamed of yourself.
(24:27):
And I went did I just shame mydog?
You know, it was crazy and Ijust in awe of hearing my
parentals, my parents, wordscoming out of my mouth without I
(24:47):
wasn't, there was no thought,it was just an automatic
response to something and I wasjust kind of blown away and it
just made me even more awarewhen I'm speaking, did I really
say what I wanted to say?
So anyway, that was not a realshort story.
Deborah (25:11):
I thought it was gonna be shorter than that, but I mean
, it's just, it's just kind of.
You know, when we're talkingabout this, I'm thinking about
so many different different youknow examples in my life.
You know where it is just veryeasy to see how the words that
you're using can help or hurt.
(25:32):
You know, can connect ordisconnect, and, and I got one
little funny story I know we'regetting to the end of the
episode here, but one littlefunny story.
I was telling my husband aboutsomething that happened and blah
, blah, blah, blah, and I waslike da, da, da, da, da da.
And he's like judge much.
(25:53):
I'm like I'm not judging, I'mjust telling you what happened,
this is the truth.
And then I had to, like youknow, go.
Was I judging?
I thought I was just sharingwith him something that happened
, you know in my day.
And so I repeat that just tosay that sometimes it's good to
(26:15):
just step back and look and seewhat the words that you were
saying and how they werereceived and what the impact of
them were.
They were received and what theimpact of them were, because we
can just go through life withblinders on, thinking everything
that we do is upliftingeverybody or not impacting
(26:35):
everybody, because that's one ofthe things that I have to say
to myself.
You know, words haveconsequences and you get to
choose what the consequences arefor yourself, your loved ones
and others, based on how you useyour words.
Or for me, in some cases, notuse my words.
Debbie (26:57):
Yeah, and so basically, nobody's perfect.
Everybody is going to.
I don't know that there wouldbe, no matter how long you
practice.
I don't know that.
I mean, maybe there are peoplethat can be so impeccable with
their word that they never, ever, ever mess up.
I'm not one of those people,not yet, not yet.
(27:19):
However, practicing beingimpeccable with my word,
practicing shifting and changingwhen I do notice that I have
been not impeccable with my wordhas made a huge difference in
my life.
I feel much more joy, a lotmore inner peace.
(27:42):
There's definitely more lovethere and and just a genuine
happiness.
So it's a really, really goodagreement to have with yourself,
all right.
Deborah (28:01):
So I guess we are.
Well, you know what?
I'm just going to invite you tothink about it, just think
about it, you know, and if youget the book, I would just, I
would just love it, because theygive you a much more detail
than what we can give here bookthing on it.
Debbie (28:27):
We'll think about that and if so, if people are
interested, they're going tosomehow participate with us.
So maybe subscribe to us,because we, we love you guys so
much.
Um, your participation is whatkeeps us, uh this space thriving
and connected.
And if you're not on our uhsubscription list, uh get on it
so that when we do decide tohave a different kind of book
clubs, you you'll know about it.
(28:48):
And thanks for all the loves,likes and comments.
Deborah (28:52):
So so my last question is how do you plan on using your
impeccable words to upliftyourself and others?
And, as always, always, always,we invite you to love and care
for the shero and you all.
Right bye, guys.
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