March 13, 2025 • 24 mins
Talk to us, Shero! Talk to us!
What happens when you stop assuming and start asking?
In this episode, we promise to help you unlock the transformative power of clear communication by exploring Don Miguel Ruiz's third agreement, "Don't Make Assumptions."
Discover how this principle can alleviate the anxiety and missed opportunities that arise when we presume to understand others without truly listening.
We candidly share our own journeys, recounting personal stories of how assumptions have impacted our lives, especially during the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Learn from our experiences as we unravel the emotional turmoil that ensued from making assumptions in friendships. When communication broke down, misplaced feelings of disinterest and blame surfaced, causing unnecessary pain. Yet, reconnecting revealed a completely different story, one rooted in genuine health struggles rather than resentment.
This episode underscores the critical importance of seeking clarity and challenging our beliefs, not just in our interactions with others, but also in our assumptions about ourselves. Join us as we navigate this essential path toward fostering healthier relationships and reducing drama.
Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Debbie (00:03):
Hi everybody.
I'm excited that today we'regoing to be talking about the
third agreement, called Don'tMake Assumptions, from the book
the Four Agreements by DonMiguel Ruiz.
Now, over the past few episodes, we discussed the first
agreement, which is beimpeccable with your word.
(00:24):
We talked about the secondagreement, which is don't take
things personally.
Next week we're going to talkabout sorry.
Next episode we're going totalk about the fourth agreement,
which I love it.
It's called Always Do your Best.
And today, deborah and I aregoing to be talking about the
(00:45):
third agreement, which is makeno assumptions.
Deborah (00:50):
And this is one of my favorite ones, because I feel
like this particular agreementis something that has really me
taking on.
This agreement has reallychanged my life, and let me just
talk a little bit about whatDon Miguel, you know, is talking
(01:15):
about with.
Don't make assumptions.
So that is advising us to notpresume to understand what
others are feeling, what theirmotivation is for their actions,
without getting clarity, aclear communication actually
(01:35):
going directly to the source.
By seeking clarity and askingquestions, we can prevent
misunderstandings and reduceunnecessary stress with that
right.
So I have a tendency.
I have a very, very strongimagination.
I can create a whole storyabout what I think is going on
(02:00):
in someone's head, why theyturned left instead of right,
why they didn't call me in themorning.
I can create this whole story.
That would create a whole Idon't know series of feelings
from me about what was happening, about something that may not
(02:21):
have even been true, somethingthat may not have even been true
.
And then I can come up laterand find out that, oh, that's
not what they were thinking atall or that's not what was
happening at all.
And I wasted all this energyfirst creating the story and
then, second, really feeling allof these emotions that went
(02:43):
along with that story aboutsomething that wasn't even true,
based on an assumption that Imade.
So in this agreement, this iswhat we are finding ourselves
challenged to do is just to getthat clarity in with whatever
way that we can ask questions,just keep an open mind and not
(03:06):
create those lovely stories thatyou know I should be in
Hollywood.
I've created some of thesestories.
Debbie (03:13):
Well, your stories may be a little bit brighter and
more embellished than otherpeople's, I don't really know.
But I, who hasn't done that,who hasn't said oh, I'll bet you
it was this or that?
Or I wonder why, like you said,why didn't they call me in the
morning, right?
Or you know, I texted them 20minutes ago and they haven't
(03:34):
responded.
And we assume I do it all thetime and you know, especially
like I have a client and I'llsend her a text and if she
doesn't give me like a thumbs uplike she got it, you know I'm
like I wonder if she got it andand does she know that she has
to respond?
And then I go through thiswhole, you know, swirling around
thing in my head, wonderingabout whether or not what she's
(03:59):
doing is like like what am Itrying to say?
Like is she going to be able totake care, take advantage of
what I'm presenting to her?
And worried about her.
But I'm assuming something sheevery time she's like Debbie, I
saw it.
I'm like how, how am I supposedto know that?
I think sometimes it's our ownanxiety about it.
(04:21):
But I do make assumptions a lotand I don't like that.
I do and I have to like checkmyself and go, how am I going to
do this differently?
Um, or or calm myself down, uh.
So one of the things that hetalked about was, uh, the
difference between making anassumption and what's actually
(04:42):
real.
I remember thinking that makingassumptions and then the second
one, taking things, don't takethings personally, they go hand
in hand so strongly because itfeels personal a lot of times
Like well, why didn't theyrespond Right, like, are you mad
(05:02):
?
Are they mad at me?
What's going on over there?
But I think we think that weknow what's going on, those
stories that we make up in ourheads.
Right, we think that we know.
We believe that the story thatwe've created is true because
it's what fits for us, but it'snot necessarily true and I would
(05:26):
say it's probably not true.
But what happens when we make anassumption is we're more than
likely misunderstanding what'sgoing on.
We're taking it personally andwe end up creating a whole big
(05:47):
drama for nothing.
And how much of our lives do welive in that and I'm not saying
it's like 90% of our life oranything like that but how often
do we think we know why anotherperson did or didn't do or say
(06:10):
what they did or didn't say ordo?
How often do we think we know?
Deborah (06:15):
And I think it's more about believing that we know as
opposed to allowing ourselves toquestion that- yeah, and I, you
know, I have an example too,and I think not only not only
making these assumptions, youknow, create these drama
situations or create anxiety or,you know, tension, but it also,
(06:42):
a lot of times, um, creates asituation where you miss out on
joy because you've made anassumption.
Right, I had some friends thatI loved very dearly and this is,
you know, and we'd, uh, knowneach other for 14 years and, you
know, through covid, we hadcalls and then, all of a sudden,
(07:03):
I was not getting any callbacksfrom them, I wasn't getting any
calls.
Debbie (07:09):
Is this the people you just started talking about last?
Yeah, that's the same.
Deborah (07:13):
Yeah, okay, yeah, good, I'm glad you brought that up.
Yeah, I'm bringing back thatsame story because it was so
much of an assumption that I wasmaking an assumption that I was
making, um, these were peoplethat were just very loving.
Um, it was a couple that I knewand he set me up with a couple
of his friends and it was just,you know, just a really good
(07:34):
relationship.
And then when covet hit, um,she was wanting me to get my
shot, she was want me to do thisand she was very adamant and
and then, all of a sudden, Iwasn't getting return calls, we
weren't talking, and I thought,oh my God, she's mad at me
because I didn't do what shethought I should do.
Oh my God, I said somethingwrong.
(07:56):
Oh my God, I don't know what Idid.
Debbie (07:59):
And never reached out again, would you say that it
created unnecessary emotionalpain for you?
Deborah (08:07):
absolutely because I was mourning the loss of this
friendship and then somethinghappened.
So that was, you know, aroundtwo, two, two thousand twenty
twenty twenty one.
And then, just here last year,something happened that I
reached out to them I think Isaw something on facebook.
(08:28):
I reached out to them, I thinkI saw something on Facebook.
I reached out to them and Isaid we are gonna get together
and I was adamant about it.
You've got to meet my newfiance, you know, blah, blah,
blah.
I think you guys would getalong and we are and and and I
was like what was going on?
I finally asked them after wegot together what was going on.
(08:48):
I finally asked them after wegot together what was going on.
And he had cancer, she wassuper sick.
And by me not still gettingthat clarity and that
communication, first of all, Iwould have been able to support
them, because I made theassumption that they didn't want
to talk to me or they didn'tlike me anymore, and it wasn't
(09:09):
that at all.
So what's?
Debbie (09:13):
the lesson?
What is the lesson that youfeel that you learned?
I mean, like I'm coming up withat least one, if not two, of
what I see if that happened tome and in my life.
But what was the lesson for youabout that?
Deborah (09:30):
I guess not making assumptions.
Okay, I mean, you know I madethis huge assumption that cut me
off from these beautifulfriends of mine and you know, if
I wanted to see them or Iconsidered and valued their
friendship, I needed to keepgoing until I knew what the.
When I got to the root, to thetruth, to be very clear as to
(09:55):
what is going on in ourrelationship and in my marriage,
I see that playing out the sameway.
Debbie (10:02):
Well, hold on, we can go there in just a second.
I want to just stick with thethe lesson.
When you said uh, the lesson isdon't make assumptions.
That is definitely one, wouldyou say.
The other lesson might be toask, like reach out anyway and
say hey, I've noticed, thingsare different, I'm just curious
what's going on.
Deborah (10:23):
Oh yeah, so that's what I was saying, because what I
did was just because I made thatassumption.
Then I stopped and I, you know.
The next statement that I madeis these are people that I value
in my life.
I needed to keep on reachingout, get the, get the clarity,
get the you know, find out whatis really going on and and
(10:45):
finding out what their realmotivation was and what my
motivation was.
And because I was, I was reallyemotionally upset every time I
thought of them, because it feltlike a new loss every time oh
yeah oh my gosh, yeah, so it.
Debbie (11:05):
It's like for the audience.
It's like when was the lasttime an assumption led you down
an emotional rabbit hole?
You know like when's the lasttime?
Cause I know I can find my own,um, that, just like what you're
saying, how each time youthought of them it was like just
another little like stab inyour heart, right Like this
(11:29):
madness of loss, and that'schallenging.
So, wow, yeah, relationshipsare crazy, whether it's a
romantic relationship or afriendship relationship, or a
parent child or some otherconnection, family members,
whatever.
It's like making assumptions isasking for.
(11:52):
Can we call them problems?
Emotional upsets is probably agood one, because we assume
other people are going to, youknow, act a particular way or be
a particular way, and we havethis list in our head and then
it's not the same list that theyhave in their head and then
when they don't do what weassume that they should do or
feel then what they should do orsay, then we feel hurt and,
(12:18):
probably the worst part, um, weblame them like it's their fault
that I feel the way I feel.
Deborah (12:28):
And you know what?
Oh, go ahead, finish that.
But I just had another thought,yeah.
Debbie (12:32):
Okay, the last part, and I'm pulling this from the book
too.
It says when we make theassumption that the other person
knows what we want and theydon't, this is like living in
hell.
Really, get that.
Yeah, we're literally creatingour own discomfort, and that's
(12:53):
based on our our own habits,that that we brought from
childhood with us into adulthood, that we're still playing out.
I'm going to be bold and say if, if, if.
Like I notice when I'm blamingor gossiping or making those
(13:14):
assumptions, I'm starting to seethem like oh, I'm doing that
thing again and I've been seeingthem for a while, but they're
so and I'm moving beyond them,but they're so like powerful.
Now I kind of go to the placewhen I go.
I'm starting to outgrow this,and the reason I know I'm
starting to outgrow this isbecause it's more painful and
(13:37):
it's forcing me to pay moreattention to it, and that's
making me want to remedy thissituation.
Right so did I talk too long andyou forgot what you were gonna
say, or do you remember what youwere gonna talk about?
Deborah (13:50):
No, I haven't forgotten what I was gonna say, and this
might be something that we can.
I'm thinking that we may.
This is a rich, rich, richconversation and the one thing
and maybe we do another episodeon this the one thing that I was
thinking about we've beentalking about making assumptions
(14:11):
about other people.
The other thing that I'mthinking about is making
assumptions about ourselves.
Debbie (14:18):
So are you saying we should do this one about other
people and the other one aboutourselves?
Deborah (14:22):
Yeah, I think so, because that is something that
when you, you said that I'm like, oh, you know, and and I think
one of the examples in the bookwas, don't assume that you can
get a project done by yourself,yeah, or don't assume that you
should do this.
I would like to have thatconversation next week because
(14:46):
love that our episode, becausethere are some assumptions that
we make about ourselves, that umand the relationship that we
have with ourselves too, thatprovides that level of anxiety
within us.
Debbie (15:01):
Yeah, more emotional pain.
We're living in hell.
So basically, I guess guesswhat we're saying is when we
don't ask questions, oh, thatwould probably be for next week.
It's like, why don't we askquestions?
So I think we're going to savethat one for next episode.
I don't know why I'm saying,wait, but next episode, why we
(15:25):
don't ask questions.
Well, to other people.
Maybe we've come to therealization that it's not safe
to ask questions.
Maybe we come to the assumptionthat if they loved us, they
would just want to know what wewant or feel.
(15:47):
I have a relative that doesthat says well, if you want to
know about me, you shouldcontact me.
Um, and I my thought is, uh, orsomething in my life or
whatever.
My thought is, wow, that's,that's kind of like putting a
lot on me, cause I don't, Idon't know what's going on in
your life, how would I know?
(16:07):
But that is the feeling thatthis person has, which is very,
very clear for her.
It's very clear but, like she,truly, she believes that.
Another reason why we might notask questions is that we have a
belief that we must be right.
Why ask a question if I alreadyknow?
Deborah (16:31):
Right, and it's a risk, right, it's a risk sometimes to
reach out and get that clarity,because what is that other
person's going to?
You know, what are they goingto think when you're saying,
okay, did you really, whatever?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
You know, there it's a riskthat you're taking by stepping
out and opening up theconversation.
Debbie (16:55):
It is because we this is this was so crazy.
It is because we this is thiswas so crazy.
One of the things is we fearthat other people are going to
just judge us right, likevictimize us, abuse us, blame us
the same way we do ourselves,and so we possibly I don't know
(17:17):
if that is a hundred percent butwe reject ourselves before they
have a chance to reject us, andthat because of that, I think
that's just an automaticbehavior.
We don't really think about it.
But because of that, how canyou be authentic, how can you
truly be yourself, if you'reliving in the fear or terror
(17:38):
even that other people are goingto judge you as much as you
judge yourself Exactly, and wow,that's that's huge.
Deborah (17:48):
And the other thing that I'm thinking about, too is,
you know, let's just thinkabout, like my friends, if I
would have just called them orwhatever, and said, hey, what's
going on?
You know, we haven't been, andthis is what actually happened.
I called them and said, okay,we're getting together.
(18:08):
What's going on?
Here's what I'm thinking.
And they're like no, now howwould you feel if someone
reached out to you with a desireto understand what's going on
with you?
That would improve therelationship and and and.
Because my friend was like wow,I didn't know you were thinking
(18:31):
that and yeah, I missed you too, and so I have a question
though Were you thinking beforeyou actually reached out to them
?
Debbie (18:42):
were you thinking, well, why aren't they calling me?
Deborah (18:48):
Yeah, okay, I was.
I was thinking, because it wasso reciprocal before, it was
like back and forth, back andforth, back and forth, and then
something just quit, Like all ofa sudden they didn't call and
you're just like I wonder whythey're not calling.
Debbie (19:02):
And then it just got more and more thinking all of
these other things right, and sothen at some point I just
(19:25):
sought to.
Deborah (19:27):
I reached out for understanding.
I love that, yes.
Debbie (19:31):
You know my, when you were saying that, like I called
and emailed and I'm not gettingany response the the limiting
belief thread that has beenwoven into my life and how it
got there.
I mean, I could go through allof that, but let's just say it's
just, there is for me and if Iwill say, if you know me, for
(19:52):
those that know me know thatthis is the thread that has run
through my life, deb, don'tmatter oh, absolutely.
I like when you were saying oh,they didn't, I reached out, but
they didn't come comment back orrespond.
That was like that.
I don't know if the radar orthat like whatever that flag
went up, like Deb don't matter,like that's immediately would
(20:15):
have been and it's gotten better, better, better over the years,
but that's immediately thatthought, that assumption, oh,
that is an assumption, oh mygosh, it is.
It just made that connection,yeah, that assumption that Deb
don't matter and it cause.
If I mattered, of course theywould have called me back and of
course they would have emailedme back, right, therefore?
Deborah (20:45):
Right.
Therefore, I'm assuming themdon't matter.
Yeah, that's good, and myassumption in that was that I
did something wrong, I said thewrong thing or I didn't you know
, and that was not it at all.
Debbie (20:54):
So the the bottom line was we didn't meaning them.
Categorical, I guess you couldsay, response was basically we
didn't call you back.
We came back with you becausewe were dealing with some next
level shit.
Yeah, just it's so interesting,though, that they didn't,
though it's still like that theywould not have sought the
(21:19):
friendship or they would nothave wanted maybe you to help,
or um, I do, I did ask thosequestions for that clarity.
Deborah (21:32):
Yeah, they were ashamed oh, oh they were ashamed of
their sickness.
Their illness, yeah oh, wow,you know?
Um, yeah, she's always been sovery strong, so very healthy.
She swims, she goes to the gym,she does this, and she was just
(21:52):
not wanting to deal with thefact that she couldn't do the
things that we did togetherbefore.
Debbie (21:57):
Oh, oh my gosh, I do know that feeling when I get
sick.
I want to just crawl into alittle ball.
Yeah, I don't want to talk toanybody.
I don't know if it's justbecause that's comfortable for
me or, like your friend, I don'twant to reveal, yes, yes, so
I'd rather just kind of hunkerdown Is that a real word?
(22:21):
Hunker, hunker down, and, andlike I said, lick my wounds,
take care of myself.
Yeah, when I come back strong,I'm like oh, hey I was sick, no
big deal.
I'm over it, you know anddismiss it.
That's really really.
I need to look at that.
Deborah (22:38):
Yeah, I mean, and that's again making those
assumptions and making thoseassumptions about ourselves.
Debbie (22:49):
So I so what I thought was like a limiting belief which
it is, deb, don't matter is alimiting belief, is also
assumption and assumption.
So I'm gonna, I'm gonna startcome not comparing, but playing
with those two concepts.
(23:09):
Are they?
Is that just this one time thatthey're the same or is?
Is that, is it an assumption ora limiting belief, or is?
Are those two one in the same?
Because I don't know the answerto that.
Deborah (23:21):
Oh, that's a good yeah, that's a good conversation to
have.
Debbie (23:27):
All right.
Well, let's do this, let's wrapup this episode and the next
episode will be like a carry-onand we'll talk about make no
assumptions with yourself, andwe'll also talk about whether
assumptions and limiting beliefsare partners or just different
words for the same energy.
(23:48):
Yeah, yeah, I can also say that.
Deborah (23:51):
Woo.
Debbie (23:52):
Yeah, good stuff.
Okay, all right, you guys.
Well, looks like we got asecond episode on this one.
I guess we'll have to call themA and B, don't know.
One in part, one in part two,um, but anyway, um.
So, deborah, do you want tolike?
Deborah (24:14):
take us, so I want to thank our audience for listening
today.
We are so grateful for yourlikes and comments and follows
and, as always, we invite you tolove and care for the zero in
you bye.
Hi everybody.
I'm excited that today we'regoing to be talking about the
third agreement, called Don'tMake Assumptions, from the book
the Four Agreements by DonMiguel Ruiz.
Now, over the past few episodes, we discussed the first
agreement, which is beimpeccable with your word.
(00:24):
We talked about the secondagreement, which is don't take
things personally.
Next week we're going to talkabout sorry.
Next episode we're going totalk about the fourth agreement,
which I love it.
It's called Always Do your Best.
And today, deborah and I aregoing to be talking about the
(00:45):
third agreement, which is makeno assumptions.
Deborah (00:50):
And this is one of my favorite ones, because I feel
like this particular agreementis something that has really me
taking on.
This agreement has reallychanged my life, and let me just
talk a little bit about whatDon Miguel, you know, is talking
(01:15):
about with.
Don't make assumptions.
So that is advising us to notpresume to understand what
others are feeling, what theirmotivation is for their actions,
without getting clarity, aclear communication actually
(01:35):
going directly to the source.
By seeking clarity and askingquestions, we can prevent
misunderstandings and reduceunnecessary stress with that
right.
So I have a tendency.
I have a very, very strongimagination.
I can create a whole storyabout what I think is going on
(02:00):
in someone's head, why theyturned left instead of right,
why they didn't call me in themorning.
I can create this whole story.
That would create a whole Idon't know series of feelings
from me about what was happening, about something that may not
(02:21):
have even been true, somethingthat may not have even been true
.
And then I can come up laterand find out that, oh, that's
not what they were thinking atall or that's not what was
happening at all.
And I wasted all this energyfirst creating the story and
then, second, really feeling allof these emotions that went
(02:43):
along with that story aboutsomething that wasn't even true,
based on an assumption that Imade.
So in this agreement, this iswhat we are finding ourselves
challenged to do is just to getthat clarity in with whatever
way that we can ask questions,just keep an open mind and not
(03:06):
create those lovely stories thatyou know I should be in
Hollywood.
I've created some of thesestories.
Debbie (03:13):
Well, your stories may be a little bit brighter and
more embellished than otherpeople's, I don't really know.
But I, who hasn't done that,who hasn't said oh, I'll bet you
it was this or that?
Or I wonder why, like you said,why didn't they call me in the
morning, right?
Or you know, I texted them 20minutes ago and they haven't
(03:34):
responded.
And we assume I do it all thetime and you know, especially
like I have a client and I'llsend her a text and if she
doesn't give me like a thumbs uplike she got it, you know I'm
like I wonder if she got it andand does she know that she has
to respond?
And then I go through thiswhole, you know, swirling around
thing in my head, wonderingabout whether or not what she's
(03:59):
doing is like like what am Itrying to say?
Like is she going to be able totake care, take advantage of
what I'm presenting to her?
And worried about her.
But I'm assuming something sheevery time she's like Debbie, I
saw it.
I'm like how, how am I supposedto know that?
I think sometimes it's our ownanxiety about it.
(04:21):
But I do make assumptions a lotand I don't like that.
I do and I have to like checkmyself and go, how am I going to
do this differently?
Um, or or calm myself down, uh.
So one of the things that hetalked about was, uh, the
difference between making anassumption and what's actually
(04:42):
real.
I remember thinking that makingassumptions and then the second
one, taking things, don't takethings personally, they go hand
in hand so strongly because itfeels personal a lot of times
Like well, why didn't theyrespond Right, like, are you mad
(05:02):
?
Are they mad at me?
What's going on over there?
But I think we think that weknow what's going on, those
stories that we make up in ourheads.
Right, we think that we know.
We believe that the story thatwe've created is true because
it's what fits for us, but it'snot necessarily true and I would
(05:26):
say it's probably not true.
But what happens when we make anassumption is we're more than
likely misunderstanding what'sgoing on.
We're taking it personally andwe end up creating a whole big
(05:47):
drama for nothing.
And how much of our lives do welive in that and I'm not saying
it's like 90% of our life oranything like that but how often
do we think we know why anotherperson did or didn't do or say
(06:10):
what they did or didn't say ordo?
How often do we think we know?
Deborah (06:15):
And I think it's more about believing that we know as
opposed to allowing ourselves toquestion that- yeah, and I, you
know, I have an example too,and I think not only not only
making these assumptions, youknow, create these drama
situations or create anxiety or,you know, tension, but it also,
(06:42):
a lot of times, um, creates asituation where you miss out on
joy because you've made anassumption.
Right, I had some friends thatI loved very dearly and this is,
you know, and we'd, uh, knowneach other for 14 years and, you
know, through covid, we hadcalls and then, all of a sudden,
(07:03):
I was not getting any callbacksfrom them, I wasn't getting any
calls.
Debbie (07:09):
Is this the people you just started talking about last?
Yeah, that's the same.
Deborah (07:13):
Yeah, okay, yeah, good, I'm glad you brought that up.
Yeah, I'm bringing back thatsame story because it was so
much of an assumption that I wasmaking an assumption that I was
making, um, these were peoplethat were just very loving.
Um, it was a couple that I knewand he set me up with a couple
of his friends and it was just,you know, just a really good
(07:34):
relationship.
And then when covet hit, um,she was wanting me to get my
shot, she was want me to do thisand she was very adamant and
and then, all of a sudden, Iwasn't getting return calls, we
weren't talking, and I thought,oh my God, she's mad at me
because I didn't do what shethought I should do.
Oh my God, I said somethingwrong.
(07:56):
Oh my God, I don't know what Idid.
Debbie (07:59):
And never reached out again, would you say that it
created unnecessary emotionalpain for you?
Deborah (08:07):
absolutely because I was mourning the loss of this
friendship and then somethinghappened.
So that was, you know, aroundtwo, two, two thousand twenty
twenty twenty one.
And then, just here last year,something happened that I
reached out to them I think Isaw something on facebook.
(08:28):
I reached out to them, I thinkI saw something on Facebook.
I reached out to them and Isaid we are gonna get together
and I was adamant about it.
You've got to meet my newfiance, you know, blah, blah,
blah.
I think you guys would getalong and we are and and and I
was like what was going on?
I finally asked them after wegot together what was going on.
(08:48):
I finally asked them after wegot together what was going on.
And he had cancer, she wassuper sick.
And by me not still gettingthat clarity and that
communication, first of all, Iwould have been able to support
them, because I made theassumption that they didn't want
to talk to me or they didn'tlike me anymore, and it wasn't
(09:09):
that at all.
So what's?
Debbie (09:13):
the lesson?
What is the lesson that youfeel that you learned?
I mean, like I'm coming up withat least one, if not two, of
what I see if that happened tome and in my life.
But what was the lesson for youabout that?
Deborah (09:30):
I guess not making assumptions.
Okay, I mean, you know I madethis huge assumption that cut me
off from these beautifulfriends of mine and you know, if
I wanted to see them or Iconsidered and valued their
friendship, I needed to keepgoing until I knew what the.
When I got to the root, to thetruth, to be very clear as to
(09:55):
what is going on in ourrelationship and in my marriage,
I see that playing out the sameway.
Debbie (10:02):
Well, hold on, we can go there in just a second.
I want to just stick with thethe lesson.
When you said uh, the lesson isdon't make assumptions.
That is definitely one, wouldyou say.
The other lesson might be toask, like reach out anyway and
say hey, I've noticed, thingsare different, I'm just curious
what's going on.
Deborah (10:23):
Oh yeah, so that's what I was saying, because what I
did was just because I made thatassumption.
Then I stopped and I, you know.
The next statement that I madeis these are people that I value
in my life.
I needed to keep on reachingout, get the, get the clarity,
get the you know, find out whatis really going on and and
(10:45):
finding out what their realmotivation was and what my
motivation was.
And because I was, I was reallyemotionally upset every time I
thought of them, because it feltlike a new loss every time oh
yeah oh my gosh, yeah, so it.
Debbie (11:05):
It's like for the audience.
It's like when was the lasttime an assumption led you down
an emotional rabbit hole?
You know like when's the lasttime?
Cause I know I can find my own,um, that, just like what you're
saying, how each time youthought of them it was like just
another little like stab inyour heart, right Like this
(11:29):
madness of loss, and that'schallenging.
So, wow, yeah, relationshipsare crazy, whether it's a
romantic relationship or afriendship relationship, or a
parent child or some otherconnection, family members,
whatever.
It's like making assumptions isasking for.
(11:52):
Can we call them problems?
Emotional upsets is probably agood one, because we assume
other people are going to, youknow, act a particular way or be
a particular way, and we havethis list in our head and then
it's not the same list that theyhave in their head and then
when they don't do what weassume that they should do or
feel then what they should do orsay, then we feel hurt and,
(12:18):
probably the worst part, um, weblame them like it's their fault
that I feel the way I feel.
Deborah (12:28):
And you know what?
Oh, go ahead, finish that.
But I just had another thought,yeah.
Debbie (12:32):
Okay, the last part, and I'm pulling this from the book
too.
It says when we make theassumption that the other person
knows what we want and theydon't, this is like living in
hell.
Really, get that.
Yeah, we're literally creatingour own discomfort, and that's
(12:53):
based on our our own habits,that that we brought from
childhood with us into adulthood, that we're still playing out.
I'm going to be bold and say if, if, if.
Like I notice when I'm blamingor gossiping or making those
(13:14):
assumptions, I'm starting to seethem like oh, I'm doing that
thing again and I've been seeingthem for a while, but they're
so and I'm moving beyond them,but they're so like powerful.
Now I kind of go to the placewhen I go.
I'm starting to outgrow this,and the reason I know I'm
starting to outgrow this isbecause it's more painful and
(13:37):
it's forcing me to pay moreattention to it, and that's
making me want to remedy thissituation.
Right so did I talk too long andyou forgot what you were gonna
say, or do you remember what youwere gonna talk about?
Deborah (13:50):
No, I haven't forgotten what I was gonna say, and this
might be something that we can.
I'm thinking that we may.
This is a rich, rich, richconversation and the one thing
and maybe we do another episodeon this the one thing that I was
thinking about we've beentalking about making assumptions
(14:11):
about other people.
The other thing that I'mthinking about is making
assumptions about ourselves.
Debbie (14:18):
So are you saying we should do this one about other
people and the other one aboutourselves?
Deborah (14:22):
Yeah, I think so, because that is something that
when you, you said that I'm like, oh, you know, and and I think
one of the examples in the bookwas, don't assume that you can
get a project done by yourself,yeah, or don't assume that you
should do this.
I would like to have thatconversation next week because
(14:46):
love that our episode, becausethere are some assumptions that
we make about ourselves, that umand the relationship that we
have with ourselves too, thatprovides that level of anxiety
within us.
Debbie (15:01):
Yeah, more emotional pain.
We're living in hell.
So basically, I guess guesswhat we're saying is when we
don't ask questions, oh, thatwould probably be for next week.
It's like, why don't we askquestions?
So I think we're going to savethat one for next episode.
I don't know why I'm saying,wait, but next episode, why we
(15:25):
don't ask questions.
Well, to other people.
Maybe we've come to therealization that it's not safe
to ask questions.
Maybe we come to the assumptionthat if they loved us, they
would just want to know what wewant or feel.
(15:47):
I have a relative that doesthat says well, if you want to
know about me, you shouldcontact me.
Um, and I my thought is, uh, orsomething in my life or
whatever.
My thought is, wow, that's,that's kind of like putting a
lot on me, cause I don't, Idon't know what's going on in
your life, how would I know?
(16:07):
But that is the feeling thatthis person has, which is very,
very clear for her.
It's very clear but, like she,truly, she believes that.
Another reason why we might notask questions is that we have a
belief that we must be right.
Why ask a question if I alreadyknow?
Deborah (16:31):
Right, and it's a risk, right, it's a risk sometimes to
reach out and get that clarity,because what is that other
person's going to?
You know, what are they goingto think when you're saying,
okay, did you really, whatever?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
You know, there it's a riskthat you're taking by stepping
out and opening up theconversation.
Debbie (16:55):
It is because we this is this was so crazy.
It is because we this is thiswas so crazy.
One of the things is we fearthat other people are going to
just judge us right, likevictimize us, abuse us, blame us
the same way we do ourselves,and so we possibly I don't know
(17:17):
if that is a hundred percent butwe reject ourselves before they
have a chance to reject us, andthat because of that, I think
that's just an automaticbehavior.
We don't really think about it.
But because of that, how canyou be authentic, how can you
truly be yourself, if you'reliving in the fear or terror
(17:38):
even that other people are goingto judge you as much as you
judge yourself Exactly, and wow,that's that's huge.
Deborah (17:48):
And the other thing that I'm thinking about, too is,
you know, let's just thinkabout, like my friends, if I
would have just called them orwhatever, and said, hey, what's
going on?
You know, we haven't been, andthis is what actually happened.
I called them and said, okay,we're getting together.
(18:08):
What's going on?
Here's what I'm thinking.
And they're like no, now howwould you feel if someone
reached out to you with a desireto understand what's going on
with you?
That would improve therelationship and and and.
Because my friend was like wow,I didn't know you were thinking
(18:31):
that and yeah, I missed you too, and so I have a question
though Were you thinking beforeyou actually reached out to them
?
Debbie (18:42):
were you thinking, well, why aren't they calling me?
Deborah (18:48):
Yeah, okay, I was.
I was thinking, because it wasso reciprocal before, it was
like back and forth, back andforth, back and forth, and then
something just quit, Like all ofa sudden they didn't call and
you're just like I wonder whythey're not calling.
Debbie (19:02):
And then it just got more and more thinking all of
these other things right, and sothen at some point I just
(19:25):
sought to.
Deborah (19:27):
I reached out for understanding.
I love that, yes.
Debbie (19:31):
You know my, when you were saying that, like I called
and emailed and I'm not gettingany response the the limiting
belief thread that has beenwoven into my life and how it
got there.
I mean, I could go through allof that, but let's just say it's
just, there is for me and if Iwill say, if you know me, for
(19:52):
those that know me know thatthis is the thread that has run
through my life, deb, don'tmatter oh, absolutely.
I like when you were saying oh,they didn't, I reached out, but
they didn't come comment back orrespond.
That was like that.
I don't know if the radar orthat like whatever that flag
went up, like Deb don't matter,like that's immediately would
(20:15):
have been and it's gotten better, better, better over the years,
but that's immediately thatthought, that assumption, oh,
that is an assumption, oh mygosh, it is.
It just made that connection,yeah, that assumption that Deb
don't matter and it cause.
If I mattered, of course theywould have called me back and of
course they would have emailedme back, right, therefore?
Deborah (20:45):
Right.
Therefore, I'm assuming themdon't matter.
Yeah, that's good, and myassumption in that was that I
did something wrong, I said thewrong thing or I didn't you know
, and that was not it at all.
Debbie (20:54):
So the the bottom line was we didn't meaning them.
Categorical, I guess you couldsay, response was basically we
didn't call you back.
We came back with you becausewe were dealing with some next
level shit.
Yeah, just it's so interesting,though, that they didn't,
though it's still like that theywould not have sought the
(21:19):
friendship or they would nothave wanted maybe you to help,
or um, I do, I did ask thosequestions for that clarity.
Deborah (21:32):
Yeah, they were ashamed oh, oh they were ashamed of
their sickness.
Their illness, yeah oh, wow,you know?
Um, yeah, she's always been sovery strong, so very healthy.
She swims, she goes to the gym,she does this, and she was just
(21:52):
not wanting to deal with thefact that she couldn't do the
things that we did togetherbefore.
Debbie (21:57):
Oh, oh my gosh, I do know that feeling when I get
sick.
I want to just crawl into alittle ball.
Yeah, I don't want to talk toanybody.
I don't know if it's justbecause that's comfortable for
me or, like your friend, I don'twant to reveal, yes, yes, so
I'd rather just kind of hunkerdown Is that a real word?
(22:21):
Hunker, hunker down, and, andlike I said, lick my wounds,
take care of myself.
Yeah, when I come back strong,I'm like oh, hey I was sick, no
big deal.
I'm over it, you know anddismiss it.
That's really really.
I need to look at that.
Deborah (22:38):
Yeah, I mean, and that's again making those
assumptions and making thoseassumptions about ourselves.
Debbie (22:49):
So I so what I thought was like a limiting belief which
it is, deb, don't matter is alimiting belief, is also
assumption and assumption.
So I'm gonna, I'm gonna startcome not comparing, but playing
with those two concepts.
(23:09):
Are they?
Is that just this one time thatthey're the same or is?
Is that, is it an assumption ora limiting belief, or is?
Are those two one in the same?
Because I don't know the answerto that.
Deborah (23:21):
Oh, that's a good yeah, that's a good conversation to
have.
Debbie (23:27):
All right.
Well, let's do this, let's wrapup this episode and the next
episode will be like a carry-onand we'll talk about make no
assumptions with yourself, andwe'll also talk about whether
assumptions and limiting beliefsare partners or just different
words for the same energy.
(23:48):
Yeah, yeah, I can also say that.
Deborah (23:51):
Woo.
Debbie (23:52):
Yeah, good stuff.
Okay, all right, you guys.
Well, looks like we got asecond episode on this one.
I guess we'll have to call themA and B, don't know.
One in part, one in part two,um, but anyway, um.
So, deborah, do you want tolike?
Deborah (24:14):
take us, so I want to thank our audience for listening
today.
We are so grateful for yourlikes and comments and follows
and, as always, we invite you tolove and care for the zero in
you bye.
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