March 13, 2025 • 27 mins
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Assumptions and limiting beliefs might seem like similar mental constructs, but understanding their subtle differences can transform your life.
Following our exploration of the third agreement "Don't Make Assumptions" from Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements, we realized we needed to dig deeper into how assumptions differ from limiting beliefs and how both affect our daily experiences.
When someone doesn't return your call, do you immediately assume they're upset with you? That restrictive feeling in your body is your first clue you're making an assumption. But what happens when these situational assumptions reinforce deeper patterns like "I don't matter" or "I'm not important"? We explore how these temporary thoughts can calcify into persistent limiting beliefs that color everything we experience.
The neurological basis for these patterns is fascinating - our brains create neural pathways for thoughts just as they do for automatic behaviors like brushing teeth. Once established, these thought highways become the path of least resistance, explaining why breaking free requires conscious effort. Through personal stories about money mindsets and relationship patterns, we demonstrate how simple language shifts can transform restrictive thoughts into empowering choices.
The journey begins with awareness - noticing when you're making assumptions or operating from limiting beliefs creates space between triggers and responses. Rather than forcing yourself to believe the opposite (which often feels inauthentic), we suggest making subtle shifts in language that feel both truthful and expansive. For instance, transforming "I can't afford this" to "I choose not to buy this right now" acknowledges your agency and connects you to longer-term priorities.
Ready to identify and shift the assumptions and limiting beliefs holding you back?
Connect with us - we're always here to help you create more freedom and sustainable relationships through conscious awareness.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Well, welcome back to the Shiro Cafe.
Oh, we're excited to continuelooking into the third agreement
In the book by Don Miguel Ruizcalled the Four Agreements,
right.
So our last episode we did adeep dive into the third
agreement and that one is don'tmake assumptions.
(00:25):
Somewhere during that episode,deboer and I we started
challenging like wait a minute,what is the difference between
an assumption and a limitingbelief?
And we went on a little bitabout it, but we decided, you
(00:45):
know what, instead of usguessing, we're going to get
back to you.
We're going to do a whole newepisode about assumptions and
beliefs.
And are they similar, the same,different?
What's going on with that?
So, Deborah, you want to talkabout a little something we
found out.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Well, actually, yes, oh good, One of the things that
we were talking about is thatyou know, when we're looking at
limiting beliefs and assumptions, they are really really closely
tied together, and a lot oftime when we think about
(01:27):
limiting beliefs and assumptions, there's a little bit of a
difference, but both of them canaffect how we are in the
present moment.
So throughout the day, you maynotice that you make a statement
that feels like a conclusionand we need to be able to
(02:03):
identify that thought, to sayyou need to, but it helps to ask
yourself is this about aspecific situation that's
missing some information orsomething?
So then you're looking atmaking an assumption about an
event that's happened, or maybeyou don't have all the
(02:24):
information, so it could besomething else.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Okay, Before you go further, let's give them an
example, because that feels kindof theoretical and I don't know
about anybody else, but I knowI would like to have something
like tangible that I can like.
Oh okay, I know what she'stalking about, right, right,
right.
What might be something thatmight happen during the day
where you begin to question?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
like say, for instance, I that this is.
This has happened to me before.
You know where I made a call tosomebody and I know this person
is on top of their phone.
They don't miss.
I mean, when we're together theycan't even put their phone down
to have dinner, to have aconversation, and so then I make
(03:10):
a phone call, I leave a message, I text or whatever, and they
don't get back to me right away,when I know that they're always
like right on it.
So then I'm like, oh man, Imust've said something wrong, or
they didn't like my message, orthey're mad at me for something
, or or whatever, and I don'tknow the information.
(03:31):
And you know, and I've had thatsituation where somebody ended
up being in the hospital andhaving to, you know, and they
didn't have their phone withthem, or they were at the gym.
When I'm the gym, I don't, Idon't carry my phone around with
me.
So, making that assumption andfeeling bad, feeling like, oh my
gosh, I must have donesomething wrong because I made
(03:54):
an assumption about somethingthat was absolutely not true, I
can create a story in a minuteso I know, I think a lot of us
can.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Um.
So what I'm hearing, though, isor what you know helping the
audience to hear is, ifsomething happens or doesn't
happen, that you expect to ornot happen, how your body feels
like are you shutting down orresisting or shrinking, feeling
(04:26):
bad about yourself, feelingconfused or upset, like there's
this I'm going to call it anegative energy I don't know if
that's the right phrase to use,but it's, I want to say, the
word restrictive.
It's certainly an expansive,right?
So if I feel restrictive insome way, like I wonder why they
didn't call me back, like did Ido something wrong?
All those kinds of thoughts andquestions make it really
(04:48):
challenging, and we arewondering about ourselves, right
, as opposed to taking, you know, having that thought, but then
challenging ourselves like waita minute, do I have all the
facts here?
Ourselves.
Like, wait a minute, do I haveall the facts here, right?
Is there something else thatcould be true in this situation?
(05:11):
Um, can I clarify something?
Maybe I'll withhold judgmentabout that and that feels
immediately expansive, and Idon't feel like I'm blaming
myself.
Um, so, looking for either?
Um, proof I guess you could sayno, not proof looking for a way
(05:39):
to give yourself some distancewhere you're not all feel, all
in your feels about it rightstep back that little bit and
ask some questions about youknow, like what else could be
going on, or whatever that givesus.
I think we go from the bodyfeeling like the heart area, to
(06:00):
the head thinking, and thatallows us to just process it a
little bit differently.
And after we've said, well,what else could be true, is
there anything that mightcounter act what I'm thinking?
Like well, you know, 10 timesthat I called, they responded
(06:22):
immediately, and this is justone of those 11, right, it's one
of 11, because 10 other timesthey actually did respond.
So maybe something else isgoing on.
So to look for that proof, Iguess you could say that what
I'm thinking is not accurate,even though it might be.
You know it feels real.
(06:42):
Does it make it so?
Speaker 2 (06:44):
and then I think that even, just not even, because I
think we go to that headspaceright to just try to make sense
out of what that is sure, andyou know, and with this
assumption, you know, don't withthis, yeah, with this, uh,
agreement, don't makeassumptions.
Just create the space and justeven say I'm not going to make
(07:08):
it.
I see, right here I'm making anassumption, I'm not going to
make an assumption, and then youcreate space between you and
what that is that you're feelingbased on those assumptions, you
know.
And then one other thing that Iknow, that you know, that I
would love for you to describe alittle bit more.
You're really, really good atreally educated on limiting
(07:35):
beliefs and how limiting beliefscan affect that same thing.
With that same friend I couldsay you know the same thing.
Oh, people never, you know,people are always disrespecting
me and never give me, neverreturn my calls, and how can we
really look at that a little bitmore?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
You know one of the things that it's a really good
question too, by the way lookingat that is going to take some
time because you've got to finda pattern or a thread, or I like
to call it the thread in yourlife.
So it does take some time.
Things have to happen andyou've got to ask yourself what
(08:17):
is it that I'm actually tellingmyself.
So in that case that you justdescribed my thread that has
throughout my life and anybodythat knows me knows this thread
you know what I'm going to say.
That don't matter.
That's right, because for,however, that became the mantra
(08:39):
in my brain, I would receivewhat I'm going to call, in air
quotes, proof.
That wasn't proof, but to me,see, there it is again.
I called and they didn't callme back.
See, there's proof, but it'snot really proof.
Right, that's the assumption.
So don't make assumptions.
So, in the case of whether it'sa limiting belief or an
(08:59):
assumption, the bottom linecomes down to if, if there's a
thought that comes in our mindand it could go outside of that,
like I don't, I'm not special,I'm not important, I don't have
enough time, I'm not worthy, Idon't have enough money.
(09:19):
I think you have a money storyyou can share in just a second.
You know I don't have enoughmoney.
Whatever the thought is is topay attention.
How did it make me feel andwhat might be an overriding
concept that keeps going throughmy mind all the time, and then
we'll talk about after you tellyour your story.
We'll talk about maybe flippingthe script a little bit and
(09:43):
shift away from that, becausethe way the brain works and I
don't want to go into some likebig, long story but there's a
part of our brains called thebasal ganglia.
It's, it's, it's a memorycenter and so it stores memories
, just like patterns and habits.
So if you think about somethinglike brushing your teeth, you
don't really have to think aboutbrushing your teeth when you,
(10:03):
by the time you hit the bathroom, your brain has already figured
out I'm going to grab thetoothbrush with this hand, I'm
going to unscrew the cap withthis one, and I'm going to do
this and the water and the wholebit, right it's.
You don't have to think aboutit, it's an automatic behavior
right.
But let something happen.
You hurt your hand, that youbrush your teeth with whatever
you know, and that surgery, whoknows whatever.
(10:25):
And now you've got to use theother hand.
Well, guess what?
You still know how to brushyour teeth, but now you've got
to transfer information to theother side of your body and it
feels weird.
But if, for some reason, let'ssay, you broke your wrist and
it's going to take six weeks, bythe time that six weeks is over
you can brush your teeth prettydarn good with that other hand.
(10:46):
The thing was, you had to, like,create new neural pathways, to
create another memory center,another automatic behavior, so
that now you can automaticallydo it with the other hand.
And that same concept ofdisempowering beliefs or
assumptions, or limiting beliefsholds true for us with thoughts
(11:11):
like Deb don't matter, becausethe pattern of somebody doing
something and I'm interpretingit that way will filter that
same way in my brain.
It will shoot right down thatneural pathway to the Deb don't
matter canal.
It's just on its way and ittakes off and it's like see,
it's true, true, true, it's true, true, true.
But coming back again, I'mgonna let you tell your story
(11:33):
about money.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
It's, there, is a way to shift that, so that you can
move from a limiting belief intosomething that's empowering,
which means moving fromrestrictive feeling and
restrictive energy to somethingthat feels more expansive and I
think, you're going todemonstrate that in your and I
want to just stick with yourstory for a moment too when
(11:58):
you're talking about moving downthat Deb Don't Matter path,
right, that affects yourrelationship, that affects your
response to whatever it is,whether someone was, you know,
whatever they intended, itdoesn't, it doesn't get through.
Only thing that gets through isDeb don't matter, and you
(12:21):
respond to them in that way.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Oh, and I'm upset and nasty and mean and you know,
hurt and well, I think that'sthe bottom line.
I feel hurt and the way itshows up is well for me.
You know, hurt and well, Ithink that's the bottom line.
I feel hurt and the way itshows up is well for me.
You know, there's the fightflight freeze, but for me it's
the fight, like, why didn't youcall me back?
Right, that's the fight.
For the flight person, it wouldbe like I'm just not gonna
(12:45):
reach out to them anymore, likethey want to back up.
The freeze person is going tobe like I don't know what to do.
Yeah, what to do so?
Yeah, there's, there's avariety of ways that we can
respond to it, but knowing thatwe're, we're doing something
that can be changed, shifted,altered, by one becoming
(13:06):
conscious of it and a couple alittle bit more there.
But then number two is toreplace it, right, right so that
.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
So let me get my little right here, right now so,
um, one of the things that Iwanted to do in the past is I
wanted to really, um, I had abig, a big amount of debt and I
really wanted to pay that debtoff.
And so I was deciding that Iwas going to make a decision
(13:36):
about every purchase that I made, to decide whether it was
something that I really reallyneeded to make.
Very empowering decision, right.
But I found that every time Icame to a decision point I would
say I can't afford it.
I just can't afford that, youknow.
And so that was a wish, andevery time I thought about that,
(13:58):
it made me feel like I was morepowerless.
I was being punished for thedecision that I made to pay off
this debt.
I was being punished or denied,or whatever.
Pay off this debt, I was beingpunished or denied, or whatever.
And so at one day, I thoughtabout that and I said, wow, you
know, I doesn't feel good to sayI can't afford that, you know.
(14:20):
And so what I decided to do isto change that one little phrase
to from I can't afford this toI choose not to buy this right
now.
So much more empowering becauseI then connected with what it
was that I wanted to do, thatwas in my best interest for the
(14:42):
long term, is to and I probablyneed to make that decision again
but to quit making those likelittle, you know, immediate,
stupid purchases because theysatisfied me in the short term
and really look at my long-termbenefits.
So just changing that littlephrase even made it more
(15:06):
empowering for me to make thosedecisions, because then I didn't
feel like I was punishingmyself or denying myself to make
that decision.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, exactly, you know, human beings don't like to
be told what to do.
Uh, enslaved, if you will it's.
It's a like a suppression.
But we love choosing becausenow we have the autonomy and so
say, even when we tell ourselves, you can't have that, you know,
(15:38):
I can't afford that, it isanother way of saying I can't
have it Right.
And to choose to change theword to I'm making a choice, and
the choice is I really don'tneed that.
I mean, maybe I wanted it orit'd be nice, but I really, you
know, don't, so I'm going tochoose to leave that here.
(16:00):
You know, if I wanted it, it'llbe here another time.
That is empowering.
That is expensive and justchanging that little bit.
So you just shared witheverybody how to shift away from
a limiting belief and turn itinto something that matters to
you and that works for you.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Right.
And that's a really, really,really big deal too, I want to
share is that you don't wake upone morning and then have that
ability to shift those things.
No, it is a practice and it issomething that you learn,
(16:47):
because obviously the firstthing you have to do is just
have is to bring that awarenessto yourself, absolutely, to have
that awareness.
That's like the first step,right.
And then after that, then youcan decide what to do with it
and you can practice, practice,practice, practice.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Yes, the thing about becoming aware of it is you also
get to be aware of how often doI say these things which is
like saying, wow, how automaticis my thought process right and
it's taken a look at if I'msaying those words.
I can't have it or whatever.
How often.
So this is like an automaticbehavior, like for me.
(17:24):
Even though I did not know theDev Don't Matter thread was in
my life.
I didn't know that for like Idon't know 63 years or something
like a really, really, reallylong time.
I just thought everybody elsewas wrong.
I just thought everybody elseshouldn't behave that way.
Isn't that crazy?
Six decades later, I realized,oh, it's me Like assuming
(17:48):
something again, assuming andlimiting belief that that person
did that thing, because I used.
I used to think, oh, they'retrying to impose on me, oh,
they're trying to take away mytime or my energy or my focus,
or something like that, like,like it's their fault.
But once I really understoodwhat was happening, whoa the
(18:12):
freedom that came into my life,because I was no longer feeling
like I needed to put thisprotective bubble around me to
protect myself from everybody.
It was more like it got to thepoint because, like you talked
about, you got to notice it.
But practice, practice,practice.
Like there it is again, thereit is again, there it is again.
It got to where I could say, oh, wow, there it is again.
(18:35):
I cannot believe how often thisshows up for me and then be
incredulous that it that, that,that it happened so often and
really dominated my life, butthat it just doesn't anymore,
and so that has been like thebest thing.
So becoming aware of it a lot,repeatedly, becoming aware of it
(18:58):
, but also taking that time tosay, well, if I don't want to
have that thought, how do Ishift it to a thought that does
make sense or that matters to me.
So I thought maybe we would dolike two or three to just help
people get a sense of what thatmay feel like, even though we've
(19:19):
kind of talked about it justput it together here, okay, go
ahead.
So let's go back to the firstthing, where it was like I made
a phone call and they didn'tcall me back.
You know, again, the, thepattern is to say you know,
there may be something elsegoing on and maybe it's not.
That they don't like me, right?
(19:40):
Maybe it's not, deb, don'tmatter, maybe they got something
going on, it's got nothing todo with Deb.
You know, because I began torealize how self-centered I was,
like meaning in my own worldand everything revolves around
me when really it doesn't.
But that was the.
That's what I began to see formyself in what I was doing.
(20:04):
I know that people can't go fromor it isn't going to resonate
if they think, oh, I'm, I'm badat this and I'm just going to go
.
Oh, I'm good at this.
So for me it was sales andmarketing.
You know like, oh, my God, I'mterrible at sales and marketing.
I'm terrible.
And it's like, well, if youkeep saying that that's what's
true, right?
It's like, oh, okay, well't, dothe polar opposite.
(20:34):
Try doing something likeinstead of I'm terrible at it,
say you know, sales andmarketing is new to me and I'm
learning it and I'm gettingbetter, the more I learn.
That feels real to me becausethat was a true statement.
I was learning it and I wasgetting better at it, but you
know it was very challenging, soit was easy for me to fall into
that.
So how can we speak the I don'twant to say the opposite, but
(20:58):
how can we shift away from thatlimiting belief and say it in a
way, so that's empowering,because empowering doesn't mean
the opposite.
Empowering means I feel betterwhen I say this other thing.
And it's true, right?
So I feel expansive in thatmoment as opposed to restrictive
.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
I think that there's not a formula, there's not
something.
I think that one of the thingsthat I do is when I'm in that
situation is that I just stopand think about it, feel it in
my body.
You know, understand that I'm,that I am feeling this in my
(21:40):
body and just say to myself whatwould be a more empowering way
to think about this?
Even just asking that question?
That means that I'm not goingto that.
That resonates with me.
I'm not going to go directly tothat opposite oh gosh.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yeah, we have to be careful not to go the opposite.
Yeah, unless it's true, butprobably isn't, you know?
Speaker 2 (22:06):
um, okay, so and this is one of the other things that
you had outlined before isasking a couple of questions
okay, is this helping me orholding me back?
Yeah, you know what's a moreempowering way to think about
that?
So, like that money story forme, just asking myself that
(22:31):
question, I was able to come upwith a quick little phrase that
I could stay and say instead ofI can't afford this.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
And did you?
Like I want to.
I'm going to just say thequestion and then I'm going to
like alter its life.
Like how did you know to saythat Right?
Like that's the question I wantto ask.
But it's like life, like howdid you know to say that Right?
Like that's the question I wantto ask.
But it's like, did you havetraining in figuring that out or
did it just come to you andyou're like you know what?
That felt really good.
(22:59):
I'm going to say that from nowon, like how did it come to be?
Speaker 2 (23:07):
That was so long ago.
I don't, I can't.
I think that, yes, I do thinkthat, you know, I've been a
lifelong learner, landmarkeducation, going to those types
of things where it is aboutawareness and being self-aware,
(23:38):
and so I think that we can dothings to allow ourselves to
gain the tools that's going tohelp us when those situations
come along Right, and it's notjust like, okay, here's the
formula that I got from overhere, it's a building of those
(23:59):
practices.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Yeah, and I think we're doing that right now.
Today, like you know, there maybe a lot of people listening
that know how to shift out of alimiting belief and um, but for
those that don't, this may havebeen cause.
You know, it takes us like 12times, or whatever the number is
, to hear the same thing overand over and, over and over
again.
This might be their 12th timeand this might be my reminder.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
I mean you know, I mean you may, you may know, and
then I may have a discussionwith my husband and go oh, I
just made an assumption.
So, even just listening to this, I'm thinking about okay, where
am I in my life right now whereI am making assumptions and how
can I turn those around?
(24:41):
Because we know that once weget in clear and we're not
making those assumptions andwe're not really leaning into
our limiting beliefs, then we'recreating more sustainable
relationships as well.
Yes, even if it's with the ladythat I am dealing with right
now to try to get my insurancebenefits.
You know, if you're not makingthose assumptions, you can have
(25:06):
an open space to get the outcomethat you want and space to get
the outcome that you want.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Yes, yes, I think that that's absolutely true.
Well, I think that we havereally talked about a lot and
we've only just breached thesurface.
It goes way deeper and there'sso much more to it, but it's
also that simple, you know.
It's like.
You know there's a phrase andit says ain't nothing to it if
you know how to do it, but whatthey don't tell you have you not
heard that before?
(25:41):
Not like that I am.
I'm sorry.
I'm remembering somebody from along time ago.
It was the craziest thing.
I'm not even going to get intoit, but it was ain't nothing to
it If you know how to do it,that he just kept saying it over
and over, but later on itoccurred to me ain't nothing to
it If you know how to do it, butif you don't know how to do it,
(26:03):
you know, and it's, it'schallenging, and you know
sometimes you don't even knowthe words, how to articulate
what it is you're trying to findand figure out, right?
So again, we did talk about alot today.
You guys I know Deborah and Iare always willing to help you
(26:28):
out.
All of our contact info is inthe description in this episode.
Please feel free to reach outand we'll be happy to help you
if you've got some kind oflimiting belief or can't figure
out how to shift out of it.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
So and always as always, we invite you to love
and care for the zero in you.
Bye.
Well, welcome back to the Shiro Cafe.
Oh, we're excited to continuelooking into the third agreement
In the book by Don Miguel Ruizcalled the Four Agreements,
right.
So our last episode we did adeep dive into the third
agreement and that one is don'tmake assumptions.
(00:25):
Somewhere during that episode,deboer and I we started
challenging like wait a minute,what is the difference between
an assumption and a limitingbelief?
And we went on a little bitabout it, but we decided, you
(00:45):
know what, instead of usguessing, we're going to get
back to you.
We're going to do a whole newepisode about assumptions and
beliefs.
And are they similar, the same,different?
What's going on with that?
So, Deborah, you want to talkabout a little something we
found out.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Well, actually, yes, oh good, One of the things that
we were talking about is thatyou know, when we're looking at
limiting beliefs and assumptions, they are really really closely
tied together, and a lot oftime when we think about
(01:27):
limiting beliefs and assumptions, there's a little bit of a
difference, but both of them canaffect how we are in the
present moment.
So throughout the day, you maynotice that you make a statement
that feels like a conclusionand we need to be able to
(02:03):
identify that thought, to sayyou need to, but it helps to ask
yourself is this about aspecific situation that's
missing some information orsomething?
So then you're looking atmaking an assumption about an
event that's happened, or maybeyou don't have all the
(02:24):
information, so it could besomething else.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Okay, Before you go further, let's give them an
example, because that feels kindof theoretical and I don't know
about anybody else, but I knowI would like to have something
like tangible that I can like.
Oh okay, I know what she'stalking about, right, right,
right.
What might be something thatmight happen during the day
where you begin to question?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
like say, for instance, I that this is.
This has happened to me before.
You know where I made a call tosomebody and I know this person
is on top of their phone.
They don't miss.
I mean, when we're together theycan't even put their phone down
to have dinner, to have aconversation, and so then I make
(03:10):
a phone call, I leave a message, I text or whatever, and they
don't get back to me right away,when I know that they're always
like right on it.
So then I'm like, oh man, Imust've said something wrong, or
they didn't like my message, orthey're mad at me for something
, or or whatever, and I don'tknow the information.
(03:31):
And you know, and I've had thatsituation where somebody ended
up being in the hospital andhaving to, you know, and they
didn't have their phone withthem, or they were at the gym.
When I'm the gym, I don't, Idon't carry my phone around with
me.
So, making that assumption andfeeling bad, feeling like, oh my
gosh, I must have donesomething wrong because I made
(03:54):
an assumption about somethingthat was absolutely not true, I
can create a story in a minuteso I know, I think a lot of us
can.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Um.
So what I'm hearing, though, isor what you know helping the
audience to hear is, ifsomething happens or doesn't
happen, that you expect to ornot happen, how your body feels
like are you shutting down orresisting or shrinking, feeling
(04:26):
bad about yourself, feelingconfused or upset, like there's
this I'm going to call it anegative energy I don't know if
that's the right phrase to use,but it's, I want to say, the
word restrictive.
It's certainly an expansive,right?
So if I feel restrictive insome way, like I wonder why they
didn't call me back, like did Ido something wrong?
All those kinds of thoughts andquestions make it really
(04:48):
challenging, and we arewondering about ourselves, right
, as opposed to taking, you know, having that thought, but then
challenging ourselves like waita minute, do I have all the
facts here?
Ourselves.
Like, wait a minute, do I haveall the facts here, right?
Is there something else thatcould be true in this situation?
(05:11):
Um, can I clarify something?
Maybe I'll withhold judgmentabout that and that feels
immediately expansive, and Idon't feel like I'm blaming
myself.
Um, so, looking for either?
Um, proof I guess you could sayno, not proof looking for a way
(05:39):
to give yourself some distancewhere you're not all feel, all
in your feels about it rightstep back that little bit and
ask some questions about youknow, like what else could be
going on, or whatever that givesus.
I think we go from the bodyfeeling like the heart area, to
(06:00):
the head thinking, and thatallows us to just process it a
little bit differently.
And after we've said, well,what else could be true, is
there anything that mightcounter act what I'm thinking?
Like well, you know, 10 timesthat I called, they responded
(06:22):
immediately, and this is justone of those 11, right, it's one
of 11, because 10 other timesthey actually did respond.
So maybe something else isgoing on.
So to look for that proof, Iguess you could say that what
I'm thinking is not accurate,even though it might be.
You know it feels real.
(06:42):
Does it make it so?
Speaker 2 (06:44):
and then I think that even, just not even, because I
think we go to that headspaceright to just try to make sense
out of what that is sure, andyou know, and with this
assumption, you know, don't withthis, yeah, with this, uh,
agreement, don't makeassumptions.
Just create the space and justeven say I'm not going to make
(07:08):
it.
I see, right here I'm making anassumption, I'm not going to
make an assumption, and then youcreate space between you and
what that is that you're feelingbased on those assumptions, you
know.
And then one other thing that Iknow, that you know, that I
would love for you to describe alittle bit more.
You're really, really good atreally educated on limiting
(07:35):
beliefs and how limiting beliefscan affect that same thing.
With that same friend I couldsay you know the same thing.
Oh, people never, you know,people are always disrespecting
me and never give me, neverreturn my calls, and how can we
really look at that a little bitmore?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
You know one of the things that it's a really good
question too, by the way lookingat that is going to take some
time because you've got to finda pattern or a thread, or I like
to call it the thread in yourlife.
So it does take some time.
Things have to happen andyou've got to ask yourself what
(08:17):
is it that I'm actually tellingmyself.
So in that case that you justdescribed my thread that has
throughout my life and anybodythat knows me knows this thread
you know what I'm going to say.
That don't matter.
That's right, because for,however, that became the mantra
(08:39):
in my brain, I would receivewhat I'm going to call, in air
quotes, proof.
That wasn't proof, but to me,see, there it is again.
I called and they didn't callme back.
See, there's proof, but it'snot really proof.
Right, that's the assumption.
So don't make assumptions.
So, in the case of whether it'sa limiting belief or an
(08:59):
assumption, the bottom linecomes down to if, if there's a
thought that comes in our mindand it could go outside of that,
like I don't, I'm not special,I'm not important, I don't have
enough time, I'm not worthy, Idon't have enough money.
(09:19):
I think you have a money storyyou can share in just a second.
You know I don't have enoughmoney.
Whatever the thought is is topay attention.
How did it make me feel andwhat might be an overriding
concept that keeps going throughmy mind all the time, and then
we'll talk about after you tellyour your story.
We'll talk about maybe flippingthe script a little bit and
(09:43):
shift away from that, becausethe way the brain works and I
don't want to go into some likebig, long story but there's a
part of our brains called thebasal ganglia.
It's, it's, it's a memorycenter and so it stores memories
, just like patterns and habits.
So if you think about somethinglike brushing your teeth, you
don't really have to think aboutbrushing your teeth when you,
(10:03):
by the time you hit the bathroom, your brain has already figured
out I'm going to grab thetoothbrush with this hand, I'm
going to unscrew the cap withthis one, and I'm going to do
this and the water and the wholebit, right it's.
You don't have to think aboutit, it's an automatic behavior
right.
But let something happen.
You hurt your hand, that youbrush your teeth with whatever
you know, and that surgery, whoknows whatever.
(10:25):
And now you've got to use theother hand.
Well, guess what?
You still know how to brushyour teeth, but now you've got
to transfer information to theother side of your body and it
feels weird.
But if, for some reason, let'ssay, you broke your wrist and
it's going to take six weeks, bythe time that six weeks is over
you can brush your teeth prettydarn good with that other hand.
(10:46):
The thing was, you had to, like,create new neural pathways, to
create another memory center,another automatic behavior, so
that now you can automaticallydo it with the other hand.
And that same concept ofdisempowering beliefs or
assumptions, or limiting beliefsholds true for us with thoughts
(11:11):
like Deb don't matter, becausethe pattern of somebody doing
something and I'm interpretingit that way will filter that
same way in my brain.
It will shoot right down thatneural pathway to the Deb don't
matter canal.
It's just on its way and ittakes off and it's like see,
it's true, true, true, it's true, true, true.
But coming back again, I'mgonna let you tell your story
(11:33):
about money.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
It's, there, is a way to shift that, so that you can
move from a limiting belief intosomething that's empowering,
which means moving fromrestrictive feeling and
restrictive energy to somethingthat feels more expansive and I
think, you're going todemonstrate that in your and I
want to just stick with yourstory for a moment too when
(11:58):
you're talking about moving downthat Deb Don't Matter path,
right, that affects yourrelationship, that affects your
response to whatever it is,whether someone was, you know,
whatever they intended, itdoesn't, it doesn't get through.
Only thing that gets through isDeb don't matter, and you
(12:21):
respond to them in that way.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
Oh, and I'm upset and nasty and mean and you know,
hurt and well, I think that'sthe bottom line.
I feel hurt and the way itshows up is well for me.
You know, hurt and well, Ithink that's the bottom line.
I feel hurt and the way itshows up is well for me.
You know, there's the fightflight freeze, but for me it's
the fight, like, why didn't youcall me back?
Right, that's the fight.
For the flight person, it wouldbe like I'm just not gonna
(12:45):
reach out to them anymore, likethey want to back up.
The freeze person is going tobe like I don't know what to do.
Yeah, what to do so?
Yeah, there's, there's avariety of ways that we can
respond to it, but knowing thatwe're, we're doing something
that can be changed, shifted,altered, by one becoming
(13:06):
conscious of it and a couple alittle bit more there.
But then number two is toreplace it, right, right so that
.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
So let me get my little right here, right now so,
um, one of the things that Iwanted to do in the past is I
wanted to really, um, I had abig, a big amount of debt and I
really wanted to pay that debtoff.
And so I was deciding that Iwas going to make a decision
(13:36):
about every purchase that I made, to decide whether it was
something that I really reallyneeded to make.
Very empowering decision, right.
But I found that every time Icame to a decision point I would
say I can't afford it.
I just can't afford that, youknow.
And so that was a wish, andevery time I thought about that,
(13:58):
it made me feel like I was morepowerless.
I was being punished for thedecision that I made to pay off
this debt.
I was being punished or denied,or whatever.
Pay off this debt, I was beingpunished or denied, or whatever.
And so at one day, I thoughtabout that and I said, wow, you
know, I doesn't feel good to sayI can't afford that, you know.
(14:20):
And so what I decided to do isto change that one little phrase
to from I can't afford this toI choose not to buy this right
now.
So much more empowering becauseI then connected with what it
was that I wanted to do, thatwas in my best interest for the
(14:42):
long term, is to and I probablyneed to make that decision again
but to quit making those likelittle, you know, immediate,
stupid purchases because theysatisfied me in the short term
and really look at my long-termbenefits.
So just changing that littlephrase even made it more
(15:06):
empowering for me to make thosedecisions, because then I didn't
feel like I was punishingmyself or denying myself to make
that decision.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah, exactly, you know, human beings don't like to
be told what to do.
Uh, enslaved, if you will it's.
It's a like a suppression.
But we love choosing becausenow we have the autonomy and so
say, even when we tell ourselves, you can't have that, you know,
(15:38):
I can't afford that, it isanother way of saying I can't
have it Right.
And to choose to change theword to I'm making a choice, and
the choice is I really don'tneed that.
I mean, maybe I wanted it orit'd be nice, but I really, you
know, don't, so I'm going tochoose to leave that here.
(16:00):
You know, if I wanted it, it'llbe here another time.
That is empowering.
That is expensive and justchanging that little bit.
So you just shared witheverybody how to shift away from
a limiting belief and turn itinto something that matters to
you and that works for you.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Right.
And that's a really, really,really big deal too, I want to
share is that you don't wake upone morning and then have that
ability to shift those things.
No, it is a practice and it issomething that you learn,
(16:47):
because obviously the firstthing you have to do is just
have is to bring that awarenessto yourself, absolutely, to have
that awareness.
That's like the first step,right.
And then after that, then youcan decide what to do with it
and you can practice, practice,practice, practice.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Yes, the thing about becoming aware of it is you also
get to be aware of how often doI say these things which is
like saying, wow, how automaticis my thought process right and
it's taken a look at if I'msaying those words.
I can't have it or whatever.
How often.
So this is like an automaticbehavior, like for me.
(17:24):
Even though I did not know theDev Don't Matter thread was in
my life.
I didn't know that for like Idon't know 63 years or something
like a really, really, reallylong time.
I just thought everybody elsewas wrong.
I just thought everybody elseshouldn't behave that way.
Isn't that crazy?
Six decades later, I realized,oh, it's me Like assuming
(17:48):
something again, assuming andlimiting belief that that person
did that thing, because I used.
I used to think, oh, they'retrying to impose on me, oh,
they're trying to take away mytime or my energy or my focus,
or something like that, like,like it's their fault.
But once I really understoodwhat was happening, whoa the
(18:12):
freedom that came into my life,because I was no longer feeling
like I needed to put thisprotective bubble around me to
protect myself from everybody.
It was more like it got to thepoint because, like you talked
about, you got to notice it.
But practice, practice,practice.
Like there it is again, thereit is again, there it is again.
It got to where I could say, oh, wow, there it is again.
(18:35):
I cannot believe how often thisshows up for me and then be
incredulous that it that, that,that it happened so often and
really dominated my life, butthat it just doesn't anymore,
and so that has been like thebest thing.
So becoming aware of it a lot,repeatedly, becoming aware of it
(18:58):
, but also taking that time tosay, well, if I don't want to
have that thought, how do Ishift it to a thought that does
make sense or that matters to me.
So I thought maybe we would dolike two or three to just help
people get a sense of what thatmay feel like, even though we've
(19:19):
kind of talked about it justput it together here, okay, go
ahead.
So let's go back to the firstthing, where it was like I made
a phone call and they didn'tcall me back.
You know, again, the, thepattern is to say you know,
there may be something elsegoing on and maybe it's not.
That they don't like me, right?
(19:40):
Maybe it's not, deb, don'tmatter, maybe they got something
going on, it's got nothing todo with Deb.
You know, because I began torealize how self-centered I was,
like meaning in my own worldand everything revolves around
me when really it doesn't.
But that was the.
That's what I began to see formyself in what I was doing.
(20:04):
I know that people can't go fromor it isn't going to resonate
if they think, oh, I'm, I'm badat this and I'm just going to go
.
Oh, I'm good at this.
So for me it was sales andmarketing.
You know like, oh, my God, I'mterrible at sales and marketing.
I'm terrible.
And it's like, well, if youkeep saying that that's what's
true, right?
It's like, oh, okay, well't, dothe polar opposite.
(20:34):
Try doing something likeinstead of I'm terrible at it,
say you know, sales andmarketing is new to me and I'm
learning it and I'm gettingbetter, the more I learn.
That feels real to me becausethat was a true statement.
I was learning it and I wasgetting better at it, but you
know it was very challenging, soit was easy for me to fall into
that.
So how can we speak the I don'twant to say the opposite, but
(20:58):
how can we shift away from thatlimiting belief and say it in a
way, so that's empowering,because empowering doesn't mean
the opposite.
Empowering means I feel betterwhen I say this other thing.
And it's true, right?
So I feel expansive in thatmoment as opposed to restrictive
.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
I think that there's not a formula, there's not
something.
I think that one of the thingsthat I do is when I'm in that
situation is that I just stopand think about it, feel it in
my body.
You know, understand that I'm,that I am feeling this in my
(21:40):
body and just say to myself whatwould be a more empowering way
to think about this?
Even just asking that question?
That means that I'm not goingto that.
That resonates with me.
I'm not going to go directly tothat opposite oh gosh.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yeah, we have to be careful not to go the opposite.
Yeah, unless it's true, butprobably isn't, you know?
Speaker 2 (22:06):
um, okay, so and this is one of the other things that
you had outlined before isasking a couple of questions
okay, is this helping me orholding me back?
Yeah, you know what's a moreempowering way to think about
that?
So, like that money story forme, just asking myself that
(22:31):
question, I was able to come upwith a quick little phrase that
I could stay and say instead ofI can't afford this.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
And did you?
Like I want to.
I'm going to just say thequestion and then I'm going to
like alter its life.
Like how did you know to saythat Right?
Like that's the question I wantto ask.
But it's like life, like howdid you know to say that Right?
Like that's the question I wantto ask.
But it's like, did you havetraining in figuring that out or
did it just come to you andyou're like you know what?
That felt really good.
(22:59):
I'm going to say that from nowon, like how did it come to be?
Speaker 2 (23:07):
That was so long ago.
I don't, I can't.
I think that, yes, I do thinkthat, you know, I've been a
lifelong learner, landmarkeducation, going to those types
of things where it is aboutawareness and being self-aware,
(23:38):
and so I think that we can dothings to allow ourselves to
gain the tools that's going tohelp us when those situations
come along Right, and it's notjust like, okay, here's the
formula that I got from overhere, it's a building of those
(23:59):
practices.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Yeah, and I think we're doing that right now.
Today, like you know, there maybe a lot of people listening
that know how to shift out of alimiting belief and um, but for
those that don't, this may havebeen cause.
You know, it takes us like 12times, or whatever the number is
, to hear the same thing overand over and, over and over
again.
This might be their 12th timeand this might be my reminder.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
I mean you know, I mean you may, you may know, and
then I may have a discussionwith my husband and go oh, I
just made an assumption.
So, even just listening to this, I'm thinking about okay, where
am I in my life right now whereI am making assumptions and how
can I turn those around?
(24:41):
Because we know that once weget in clear and we're not
making those assumptions andwe're not really leaning into
our limiting beliefs, then we'recreating more sustainable
relationships as well.
Yes, even if it's with the ladythat I am dealing with right
now to try to get my insurancebenefits.
You know, if you're not makingthose assumptions, you can have
(25:06):
an open space to get the outcomethat you want and space to get
the outcome that you want.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
Yes, yes, I think that that's absolutely true.
Well, I think that we havereally talked about a lot and
we've only just breached thesurface.
It goes way deeper and there'sso much more to it, but it's
also that simple, you know.
It's like.
You know there's a phrase andit says ain't nothing to it if
you know how to do it, but whatthey don't tell you have you not
heard that before?
(25:41):
Not like that I am.
I'm sorry.
I'm remembering somebody from along time ago.
It was the craziest thing.
I'm not even going to get intoit, but it was ain't nothing to
it If you know how to do it,that he just kept saying it over
and over, but later on itoccurred to me ain't nothing to
it If you know how to do it, butif you don't know how to do it,
(26:03):
you know, and it's, it'schallenging, and you know
sometimes you don't even knowthe words, how to articulate
what it is you're trying to findand figure out, right?
So again, we did talk about alot today.
You guys I know Deborah and Iare always willing to help you
(26:28):
out.
All of our contact info is inthe description in this episode.
Please feel free to reach outand we'll be happy to help you
if you've got some kind oflimiting belief or can't figure
out how to shift out of it.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
So and always as always, we invite you to love
and care for the zero in you.
Bye.
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