March 14, 2025 • 31 mins
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"Always Do Your Best" from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements might be the most transformative for those on a self-care journey.
When you truly do your best in each moment, regret becomes impossible. Your best today might look different from yesterday's—and that's natural. Some days you conquer the world; other days, getting out of bed is enough. This agreement invites grace, not judgment, for these fluctuations.
The guidance is clear: don't do less than your best, but don’t overdo it either. Perfectionism—overworking, obsessing, chasing impossible standards—isn't doing your best; it's self-punishment, often rooted in childhood beliefs about worthiness. True self-care starts when you recognize these patterns and choose differently.
The conversation explores authenticity, emotional triggers, and real self-care. Sometimes it’s yoga and smoothies; other times, it’s Netflix and Fritos. The key? Conscious choice over autopilot and self-judgment.
This agreement ties beautifully to the others, building a foundation for self-love. When you stop punishing yourself for perceived failures, it’s easier to speak with integrity, avoid taking things personally, and release assumptions. If you’ve struggled with self-criticism and perfectionism, this episode offers a compassionate path toward self-acceptance.
Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Debbie (00:04):
Well, hello everybody.
Here we are in this episodediscussing the fourth agreement
of the four agreements by DonMiguel Ruiz, and I loved this
fourth agreement and I reallycan't wait to talk about this
one.
One of the things that I reallyloved about this one it's
(00:27):
called the fourth word.
Agreement is always do yourbest, and I never really quite
understood that in the past, butwhat I'm realizing is, and have
realized now for a while butit's like when you do your best,
there are no regrets, there'sno regrets.
When you do your best, thereare no regrets, there's no
regrets.
When you do your best.
And you know, it took me aminute to realize that that
(00:50):
means that you know your bestcould be different from moment
to moment, because you might be,I don't know, sick or tired or
something else is going on, butif you just do your best in that
moment, but if you just do yourbest in that moment, whatever's
going on, you realize, or youbegin to realize, that you can't
(01:11):
really judge yourselfnegatively.
So those you know, blame andshame, guilt, self-punishment,
all of that starts going to thewayside because you're doing
your best and you're just,you're doing your best in that
moment.
Now I'm going to say one morelittle thing and then, Deborah,
I'm going to turn it over to you.
But to be clear about what doyour best means?
(01:34):
It means don't do less thanyour best, but also don't overdo
.
Don't do more than your best.
And I was like, what does thatmean?
But I realized I used to dothat.
I would come home from workevery day.
I was.
It was like I had to have myplace looking perfect all the
(01:54):
time on the off chance thatsomebody might stop by, and that
wasn't doing my best, that wasoverdoing and I was miserable
because of it.
But I found that this one wasso impactful and that it brings
the other three agreements, kindof like rounds them out, brings
them together and makes them somuch easier to do the work on
(02:19):
Devorah, what did you thinkabout this chapter?
Deborah (02:22):
I this.
This agreement is one of myfavorites.
And you know, the one of thereasons why I love this is it
because is because it recognizesthat my best today may not be
what my best was yesterday orwhat it can be tomorrow, so it
(02:43):
changes day to day, situation tosituation.
I really this resonates with mebecause there have been some
times when I've looked back on asituation and said, you know
what, that was not my best, thatwas not my best.
Then I I'm in.
This agreement really encouragesus to give ourselves that grace
(03:08):
, right?
So one of the biggest things umum about self-care is the
challenges that we have in oursociety to be perfect.
Now, we know that perfectdoesn't exist, right?
But we hold ourselves tostandards that are not realistic
(03:34):
, that we're going to be perfectin every moment and every day
and every situation.
And I love this agreementbecause it says do your best and
really accept that your bestand when, in any situation that
you're in, and let go of thatself-judgment that comes with
(03:56):
that change in what your, whatyour best was yesterday, and
when we learn to listen to ourbodies and honor our boundaries
and show up for ourselves withlove, then we can really
understand that in every momentin presence, that we're doing
(04:19):
our best.
I just love that.
Love, love, love, love that.
Debbie (04:23):
I also love that it said do your best because you want
to.
That really stuck with mebecause it was.
It was easy for me to measurelike do your best because you
want to.
And the example that he givesis about how many people go to
work every week and because theyneed the paycheck, want slash,
(04:48):
need the paycheck, but theydon't really love what they're
doing.
But then when the weekend comesthey I'll just say, do things
to escape, you know, drinking,drugging, shopping, whatever,
maybe the thing that isn'thealthy emotionally healthy for
them, maybe not physicallyhealthy, maybe the thing that
isn't healthy emotionallyhealthy for them, maybe not
physically healthy.
And it's because I'm not sayingit's easy to just, you know,
(05:13):
quit your job or go getsomething else.
But it's because that person andI was that person at one point.
I wasn't doing what I loved andI didn't go to work because I
wanted to.
I went to work because I feltlike I had to.
I had rent to pay and food, youknow, whatever.
So I just I thought it wasreally buoyant for me because
it's like now that I do the workthat I do, which has got a lot
(05:36):
to do with self-love and it'sgot a lot to do with the skills
needed to be able to loveourselves.
This is one of those skills.
It's like I love what I do, soI'm now really living this one
out right, doing my best.
But it's also a matter of ifwe're look I'm not trying to
(06:00):
place blame or make anybody feelbad but if we're not really
doing our best and doing ourbest because we want to, are we
really being authentic, you know?
is that because not doing yourbest and again that's going to
(06:20):
change from moment to momentthat really denies ourselves the
right to be who we truly are.
Deborah (06:30):
You know what I, I, I when, what, what, what I?
Okay, so when you, when, whenyou were talking about, are we
doing if we're in that job andwe're not doing our best, you
know, and we're deciding not, isit a decision and do we give
(06:50):
ourselves grace in thatsituation or do we judge?
So you know, and so by askingthat question, I feel like we're
judging whether we're doingbest, our best, in that
situation.
The way and and you know, andI'm remembering when I was
working at that job that Iabsolutely was just miserable at
(07:12):
and I was doing the best that Ican, and sometimes doing the
best that I can is not givingeverything to it, it's just
choosing to just do what I canand maybe not giving everything
I.
It it's just choosing to justdo what I can and maybe not
giving everything I can.
So that's what I'm hearing, andI don't know if that's
(07:32):
necessarily what you're saying,but you know.
Debbie (07:36):
I think not quite I think not quite.
It was in the case that you'rereferring to.
You felt you were doing yourbest, you were actively
participating in a way that wasI'll just use the words
emotionally healthy for you.
It was like you chose I'm notgiving them this, I'm not giving
(07:56):
them that, I'm holding thatback or I'm not going to
participate in that way.
But that's like an activeparticipation.
The way that it was described inthe book was the people that go
to work.
They don't really give theirbest, but they're not really
consciously thinking about it.
They're just like oh, got to goto work, and you what they do,
but aren't even taking intoconsideration what else is
(08:19):
possible.
And it seems like you took intoconsideration what else is
possible for you as opposed towell, maybe this weekend I'll
just get drunk, you know, likeI'm not working, I'm not at work
(08:43):
, thank God, I'm just going tolike Netflix and Cheetos,
whatever, and you know, justmake it through and then have to
do it again on Monday.
And I think the differencewould be being aware I'm in a
job I don't like, but what am Idoing during that time, and I'm
consciously aware of that versusgoing through the motions
(09:07):
without really paying attention.
And so, if that's the case.
So that that's what I'm talkingabout, about not being authentic
.
If you know, to me you werebeing authentic for yourself,
very authentic, and I'll evensay, with a commend, you for a
little attitude in there too,I'm not going to take this and I
(09:29):
love that because we, we shouldrespect ourselves like that, we
should take care, self-care,self-love.
In things like that it's whenwe're not paying attention and
we're not doing what'semotionally healthy for us, but
we're just succumbing to thatsituation.
So that's more what I wastalking about.
(09:49):
So I don't know if thatclarified.
Deborah (09:51):
I guess one of the things that stood out for me in
this, in this agreement, thischapter about this agreement, is
the focus on freeing ourselvesfrom guilt and self-judgment.
So you know, it's like, even ifI'm not being authentic, I'm
not going to judge myself for it.
I'm just going to find a way.
(10:15):
You know it's just meetingmyself where I am and saying
where I am is okay, no matterwhat.
So having that awareness isjust like another level, it's
like a different thing to me.
Debbie (10:31):
Yeah, the word that he used because you said, I think,
self-judgment, which is true,and the word that he used that
really hit me wasself-punishment, like by judging
ourselves by, you know, maybefeeling some shame or guilt
about something, but how oftendo we punish ourselves and don't
(10:53):
even realize it just becausewe're repeating old tapes or
patterns from the past.
So I'm the impactful part inaddition to it making to be an
impeccable with your word anddon't take anything personal and
don't make assumptions when wepractice.
(11:15):
Always do your best it can be.
And this was the self-love partfor me, instead of me saying,
oh God, I screwed up again, I'mso stupid, or whatever words we
might say in our head, because alot of people say negative
things to themselves in theirmind and sometimes out loud to
(11:36):
themselves and not in public.
But I was learning to say, likeyou know, I'm learning
something new and that takestime.
It takes time to practice itagain and again and I know that
I'll get better as I practiceand that, to me, would be doing
my best and being impeccablewith my word.
(11:59):
Right, so it's just combiningthose always do your best.
That agreement allows you tomaybe screw up and go.
Oh, just like you thought, am Idoing my best?
And then you like have to lookat that.
Or am I being impeccable withmy word?
(12:19):
Oh, I wasn't.
I could have done better withthat.
How can I do better?
And you know to always do yourbest, I think, is to say, maybe
not in the moment, because wemay not be able to, but to go
later on and think about howcould I have done that better,
because I think that frame ofreference is into our mind so
(12:39):
that the next time it does comeup, we've thought about it and
now we can draw from that versusoh, it happened again, and it
happened again, and it happenedagain because we haven't given
ourselves any other options.
Deborah (12:51):
So yeah, and one thing that I'm I'm I'm wanting to
bring forth too is I you weretalking about.
Sometimes, you know, okay, I'mdeciding that I'm not going to
do the thing that I'm going todo and I'd rather.
You know, there's somebehaviors that come from the
judgment, right, like drinking,smoking, you know, isolating
(13:16):
yourself.
But one of the things that Iwanted to bring forth as a
self-care kind of nuance to thatis sometimes the self-care
might be, you know, doing yoga,going to the gym, you know,
drinking smoothies, but theother day it might be laying
(13:48):
around in your pajamas,practices that they take on as
part of this.
You know, okay, today is not mybest day, today, I'm not, you
know, my best may be justgetting out of bed.
Debbie (14:05):
So true, you know, and don't't judge yourself, lean
into it that's a really goodpoint, because we're not in the
same place all the time.
Just, I mean, I would say,until like just a couple days
ago, three weeks prior to thatwere these I don't.
(14:27):
I want to say, the moon was inthe seventh house and Jupiter
was not aligning with Mars and Iwas miserable.
I felt like like I could Iwould, you know, do the things
that I normally do to like raisemy vibration and bring myself
out of it and I go, okay, myvibrations up, I'm feeling joy.
(14:47):
This is awesome.
But the the I don't know.
It was like somebody sprayed WD40 on the slide.
Man, I just slid right backdown into this.
I don't want to call itdepression.
It wasn't depression, but itsure felt not where I want to be
.
I'll say that I was like, ohman, what is wrong?
(15:10):
Like why are you feeling this?
And I didn't really have ananswer for myself.
And so you know, the sofa andNetflix and Cheetos did sound
good, I went for Fritos insteadof Cheetos, but I really did do
that instead of Cheetos, but Ireally did do that and I allowed
it, like I consciously, I saidyou know what you're doing,
(15:37):
right?
And I was like yep, and I'mlike, and this is what you want
to do?
I'm like, yep, and I'm talkingto myself like maybe a little in
my head, not out loud, but I'mlike really choosing it.
I'm like, all right, you get aday, you get a day, take your
day, enjoy your misery, and butyou know we can't stay here.
And it's like, yeah, it's true,and so, um, I don't know if that
(15:58):
was truly my best, but I tellyou it just felt like it, it
just was okay.
So I appreciate you saying that, because I don't have many days
like that, but I do want tohonor it when I do have a day
like that.
Um, yeah, I don't know, I um itit took a minute, but well, it
(16:27):
took.
It took many minutes and ittook many days.
I'll be honest, it did.
Deborah (16:31):
It didn't come, I didn't come out of it right away
, but I did reach out, talk topeople, um, and I don't know, um
, I moved ahead and yeah, andthat's one of the things that,
um, you know, by allowing thosemoments, those days, whatever,
without judgment, that is reallycompletely leaning into doing,
(16:59):
you know, doing your best andand just allowing your best to
be just what it is and just bein presence with it.
But one of the things that I,as a self-care you know, guru,
whatever one of the things thatI want us to do is to set up our
(17:22):
lives so that we don't havemany of those days where it just
feels like I love, I love, lovethe optics of wd-40 on the
slide I love you know, where wedon't have the wd-40, on the
slide, where we have set it upso that we have some things that
are going to hold us, you know,like being in gratitude every
(17:45):
day, attitude every day.
So having that self-carepractice of an attitude of
gratitude acknowledging thethings that you do well, you
know, I'm really celebrating thefact that I got my newsletter
done in one day, you know, and Ireally like it.
(18:05):
So, just acknowledging thethings that you do well, it's
just like the analogy that yougive with a bucket of water,
right, you know, and the moredrops of mud that you put into
the water, or even the other way, you have a little cup of mud
(18:26):
or a bucket of mud and you keepthrowing clear water, clear,
clean water.
Next thing, you know, the mudisn't so muddy and you're seeing
more water than mud or dirt,and so I advocate that we create
a way to create a way, thosethings in our life that put
water into the mud.
(18:46):
So the attitude of gratitude,celebrating all of your little,
you know, this morning I got upa little bit early and made up
the bed.
Celebrate that, you know, Imake up my bed every morning and
there are some mornings when Ijust say, you know what, I don't
feel like making up the bed andI don't.
But I'm just acknowledgingthose things that you do Well,
(19:11):
acknowledge those things thatare your best and those moments
when you recognize, wow, Ikilled that.
I did an amazing job with thatRight.
Debbie (19:23):
Yeah, and I love that.
He says always do your best,but no more or not not, I don't
know which one.
He says first, but it doesn'tmean do less, but also don't
overdo like, don't do more.
And if doing your best and youfeel like man, I am on this and
(19:45):
I am rocking it and I'll put anextra two hours in, that doesn't
mean I'm overdoing it.
It's, I think, overdoing it.
At least this is myinterpretation.
Overdoing it is you're doing itfor the wrong reason.
Like I would overly clean myhouse, like I said on the off
chance that somebody would showup and my house would have to be
(20:05):
perfect and spotless, andpeople didn't regularly show up
at my house would have to beperfect and spotless and people
didn't regularly show up at myhouse.
So why did I have to do that?
That's unhealthy and I learnedthat.
To do your best.
Now my house looks lived in, somuch more feels right for me
and I just felt like I wasoverdoing it.
But I now know why because Ithought I had it to be.
(20:26):
I had to be perfect.
I you know, like the way I grewup, I thought, well, if I'm
perfect, I'll be loved more oraccepted more or whatever my
thoughts were at the time, but Icarried that with me and that
was the unhealthy part.
Once I figured out that cause,I did read this book.
Like what did we talk about?
Deborah (20:45):
30 years ago or something.
Debbie (20:47):
Yeah, well, I was.
Oh, my God, I am over doingthis.
I mean, I would get to thepoint where I would my blood
sugar would drop because Ihadn't eaten Cause I thought I
had to do this other thing.
So it's just not healthy, right, anyway.
So, um, but laying on the sofafor me, giving myself the day,
was like I didn't want to usethe excuse.
(21:07):
Well, this is my best for theday.
Too many days, you know, maybefor some people it is their best
and they are doing their bestto just get out of the bed.
You know, and I want to honorthat as well, that that wasn't
my situation.
So for me to allow myself to dothat, I, I, I just I just did
(21:28):
it and I'm okay with it.
So I don't need anybody tovalidate it or not validate it,
and that's another awesome thing.
I was being authentic to myself, and when we're authentic, we
do not need others acceptance ofwhat we did or validation of
what we did.
How?
Deborah (21:48):
are you defining authentic Because I'm?
You're having a problem withthat.
Yeah, I am.
I am Authentic can be manythings.
I just I would love to hearwhat, what, what you, how,
you're defining it in thisconversation.
Debbie (22:05):
Sure, and I hope I can give that to you.
I just I know that when I saythe word authentic, I have a
certain I guess you'd say like afeeling, and I know what I mean
.
So let's see if I can explainit, and if not, I'll have to
come back and be more clear.
Authentic to me is actually, Iguess, a lot of things.
(22:29):
It's high integrity.
I'm not doing anything to hurtanother person.
It's might not be the best foranother person and they may be
(22:52):
challenged by something I'mdoing, but when I'm being
authentic to myself, I feel likeI'm doing what's best and right
for my highest good.
I don't know if that is clearenough, but I feel like if I
kept talking that I would berepeating myself.
(23:14):
But if you have a question, byall means, because other people
All right, sorry, I just I wasjust feeling that.
Deborah (23:24):
And I what when I think about being authentic, feeling
that?
And I what when I think aboutbeing authentic?
Sometimes my authentic self isall roses and sunshine, and
sometimes my authentic self isbleepity, bleep, bleep.
Debbie (23:43):
I was going to say I wanted to let the audience know
you were.
Your mouth was moving, but nowords were coming out.
So I'm like what'd she say?
It's going to be juicy.
She's like I'm not going to saythat out loud yeah, and, and,
and.
Deborah (23:56):
I think both of those are authentic.
You know I don't have to bethis, yeah, so so my thing about
talk about that.
Debbie (24:11):
Let's talk about that.
Let's talk about.
Let's talk about that authenticthing about if you are, you
said blankety, blank, blank,blank, right.
So if you're seeing that, giveme just a little snippet of a
situation.
Something happened and you saidthat to somebody and you're
being really authentic, that youwere angry, like that kind of
thing.
Yeah.
Deborah (24:30):
I mean because I think I want to allow myself.
I think what is authentic isexpressing your full range of
feelings or allowing or at leasthaving an awareness of them.
Um, today I was in a meetingwith a meeting with someone and
they said something and thatkind of got my little you know,
(24:56):
triggered me a little bit and Ichose not to say anything about
it because it was a businesssituation.
I didn't want to have to openthat up, but I was authentic
with myself because I recognizedwhat that person said, how it
triggered me, but it didn'trequire me to say something to
(25:20):
him to still be in my authenticself.
Debbie (25:23):
Okay, I am seeing how you're saying that you had a
specific feeling and it wasauthentic for you, and that's
totally understandable.
My question would probably beis it in your highest good to
(25:56):
indulge that feeling?
Is what they did this trigger?
Is this something that isoffensive, like to everyone?
Or is it more something thatgoes on with you, where it
affected you but maybe otherpeople weren't affected?
And for me, the authenticitycomes with.
I have to look at that.
When I get triggered, I have togo.
You know Debbie's, you know mything, deb, don't matter.
So if something happens and I'mlike they triggered that thread
(26:19):
for lack of a better word thatfeeling oh, like what?
I don't matter Like thatauthentically?
Am I feeling that way?
Yes, like that authentically?
Am I feeling that way?
Yes, but is it in my highestgood to not look at that and say
what about?
That is triggering me, that I'mnegative?
Energy goes back to that otherperson, but I'm not changing,
(26:42):
I'm not looking at what I'mdoing.
That that's when what I'mtalking about.
How can I be authentic withwhat the feeling was and what do
I do with it?
Deborah (26:52):
right.
Did it make sense?
Okay, because so like in thatsituation, I allowed that
feeling, I acknowledged thatfeeling.
I said this is what he said andthis is why I was, I, I, why it
?
I I don't want to say it was asbig as being triggered, but
this is why I had the internalreaction to it.
(27:13):
This is where the power is,this is where the self-care is.
I had that feeling.
I allowed that feeling tofreely emerge.
I looked at it with curiosityand then I chose.
I chose what would be in mybest interest at the time and
(27:35):
what was in my best interest atthe time.
What was my best at the timewas just to let it go.
Debbie (27:43):
Okay, that does not sound inauthentic to me, but I
also am wondering if you, ifthat situation comes up again
and again and again and you'renot addressing why, is that,
like you said, not a trigger,but an emotional, what'd you
(28:04):
call it?
I'm sorry, I want to say thewords you used.
Deborah (28:07):
You said it created some kind of an emotional
reactivity maybe, yeah,triggering or whatever, yeah,
but see, but then that's.
I mean I think we're gettingaway from the topic here just a
little bit.
I mean, we can, we go downrabbit holes sometimes, but that
is the same thing that I'mtalking about.
Like you say, if it's happeningall the time, if this person
(28:29):
was somebody that I was inregular relationship with and it
was happening all the time andI was having to, you know,
respond in a way or whatever andit was happening regularly,
(28:49):
regularly, maybe this is aperson that's no longer in my
inner circle, that gets movedout because it's my self-care.
So the what is you know doingyour best at the time is just
allowing the feeling, noticing,making a decision based on your
best interest, and then you know, and then moving on.
Debbie (29:07):
Okay, I like that.
That feels right.
And you know, do your always doyour best and apparently you
did your best and that waspretty good because you didn't
interrupt the meeting, youdidn't, you know, draw the
attention, so that that was good.
I am going to look at uh, a uhbetter definition for myself of
(29:29):
what authenticity is, because Iknow what I mean by it, but I
don't explain it very well, soI'll do that on my own.
But I just want to say thatthat's me doing my best.
I'm going to figure it out formyself.
So thank you for that.
So what do you think did we?
Deborah (29:47):
come.
Well, I, you know, I, I debbie,I think we're coming to the end
of this episode and, um, I justjust wonder, I just wonder if
you have like one big you knowwhat's, what's, what's your
thought that you want to sharewith everybody with this, with
this agreement, what is you know?
(30:07):
As far as self-love isconcerned, I just love that
self-care and self-love are justshowing up big in this.
But do you have one?
Whatever?
What do you think?
What do you want to leave?
Debbie (30:21):
Yeah, Okay, so I guess my my nugget would be for always
do your best includes alwaysdoing your best to with by and
for yourself, in your words,actions, thoughts, choices,
habits, especially how you speakto yourself.
(30:42):
So that would be my nugget whatdo?
Deborah (30:47):
you have.
I say ditto and I mean it's theexact same thing.
It's you know, self-care is thesame thing.
It's just, you know, takingcare of yourself and knowing
that you're doing your best andgiving yourself the grace for
(31:09):
where you are right now, forbeing in presence.
So, thank you, thank you, thankyou, you guys, thank you so
much for being with us and, asalways, and and and as always,
we invite you to love and carefor the Shiro in you.
(31:31):
Bye, you guys.
Well, hello everybody.
Here we are in this episodediscussing the fourth agreement
of the four agreements by DonMiguel Ruiz, and I loved this
fourth agreement and I reallycan't wait to talk about this
one.
One of the things that I reallyloved about this one it's
(00:27):
called the fourth word.
Agreement is always do yourbest, and I never really quite
understood that in the past, butwhat I'm realizing is, and have
realized now for a while butit's like when you do your best,
there are no regrets, there'sno regrets.
When you do your best, thereare no regrets, there's no
regrets.
When you do your best.
And you know, it took me aminute to realize that that
(00:50):
means that you know your bestcould be different from moment
to moment, because you might be,I don't know, sick or tired or
something else is going on, butif you just do your best in that
moment, but if you just do yourbest in that moment, whatever's
going on, you realize, or youbegin to realize, that you can't
(01:11):
really judge yourselfnegatively.
So those you know, blame andshame, guilt, self-punishment,
all of that starts going to thewayside because you're doing
your best and you're just,you're doing your best in that
moment.
Now I'm going to say one morelittle thing and then, Deborah,
I'm going to turn it over to you.
But to be clear about what doyour best means?
(01:34):
It means don't do less thanyour best, but also don't overdo
.
Don't do more than your best.
And I was like, what does thatmean?
But I realized I used to dothat.
I would come home from workevery day.
I was.
It was like I had to have myplace looking perfect all the
(01:54):
time on the off chance thatsomebody might stop by, and that
wasn't doing my best, that wasoverdoing and I was miserable
because of it.
But I found that this one wasso impactful and that it brings
the other three agreements, kindof like rounds them out, brings
them together and makes them somuch easier to do the work on
(02:19):
Devorah, what did you thinkabout this chapter?
Deborah (02:22):
I this.
This agreement is one of myfavorites.
And you know, the one of thereasons why I love this is it
because is because it recognizesthat my best today may not be
what my best was yesterday orwhat it can be tomorrow, so it
(02:43):
changes day to day, situation tosituation.
I really this resonates with mebecause there have been some
times when I've looked back on asituation and said, you know
what, that was not my best, thatwas not my best.
Then I I'm in.
This agreement really encouragesus to give ourselves that grace
(03:08):
, right?
So one of the biggest things umum about self-care is the
challenges that we have in oursociety to be perfect.
Now, we know that perfectdoesn't exist, right?
But we hold ourselves tostandards that are not realistic
(03:34):
, that we're going to be perfectin every moment and every day
and every situation.
And I love this agreementbecause it says do your best and
really accept that your bestand when, in any situation that
you're in, and let go of thatself-judgment that comes with
(03:56):
that change in what your, whatyour best was yesterday, and
when we learn to listen to ourbodies and honor our boundaries
and show up for ourselves withlove, then we can really
understand that in every momentin presence, that we're doing
(04:19):
our best.
I just love that.
Love, love, love, love that.
Debbie (04:23):
I also love that it said do your best because you want
to.
That really stuck with mebecause it was.
It was easy for me to measurelike do your best because you
want to.
And the example that he givesis about how many people go to
work every week and because theyneed the paycheck, want slash,
(04:48):
need the paycheck, but theydon't really love what they're
doing.
But then when the weekend comesthey I'll just say, do things
to escape, you know, drinking,drugging, shopping, whatever,
maybe the thing that isn'thealthy emotionally healthy for
them, maybe not physicallyhealthy, maybe the thing that
isn't healthy emotionallyhealthy for them, maybe not
physically healthy.
And it's because I'm not sayingit's easy to just, you know,
(05:13):
quit your job or go getsomething else.
But it's because that person andI was that person at one point.
I wasn't doing what I loved andI didn't go to work because I
wanted to.
I went to work because I feltlike I had to.
I had rent to pay and food, youknow, whatever.
So I just I thought it wasreally buoyant for me because
it's like now that I do the workthat I do, which has got a lot
(05:36):
to do with self-love and it'sgot a lot to do with the skills
needed to be able to loveourselves.
This is one of those skills.
It's like I love what I do, soI'm now really living this one
out right, doing my best.
But it's also a matter of ifwe're look I'm not trying to
(06:00):
place blame or make anybody feelbad but if we're not really
doing our best and doing ourbest because we want to, are we
really being authentic, you know?
is that because not doing yourbest and again that's going to
(06:20):
change from moment to momentthat really denies ourselves the
right to be who we truly are.
Deborah (06:30):
You know what I, I, I when, what, what, what I?
Okay, so when you, when, whenyou were talking about, are we
doing if we're in that job andwe're not doing our best, you
know, and we're deciding not, isit a decision and do we give
(06:50):
ourselves grace in thatsituation or do we judge?
So you know, and so by askingthat question, I feel like we're
judging whether we're doingbest, our best, in that
situation.
The way and and you know, andI'm remembering when I was
working at that job that Iabsolutely was just miserable at
(07:12):
and I was doing the best that Ican, and sometimes doing the
best that I can is not givingeverything to it, it's just
choosing to just do what I canand maybe not giving everything
I.
It it's just choosing to justdo what I can and maybe not
giving everything I can.
So that's what I'm hearing, andI don't know if that's
(07:32):
necessarily what you're saying,but you know.
Debbie (07:36):
I think not quite I think not quite.
It was in the case that you'rereferring to.
You felt you were doing yourbest, you were actively
participating in a way that wasI'll just use the words
emotionally healthy for you.
It was like you chose I'm notgiving them this, I'm not giving
(07:56):
them that, I'm holding thatback or I'm not going to
participate in that way.
But that's like an activeparticipation.
The way that it was described inthe book was the people that go
to work.
They don't really give theirbest, but they're not really
consciously thinking about it.
They're just like oh, got to goto work, and you what they do,
but aren't even taking intoconsideration what else is
(08:19):
possible.
And it seems like you took intoconsideration what else is
possible for you as opposed towell, maybe this weekend I'll
just get drunk, you know, likeI'm not working, I'm not at work
(08:43):
, thank God, I'm just going tolike Netflix and Cheetos,
whatever, and you know, justmake it through and then have to
do it again on Monday.
And I think the differencewould be being aware I'm in a
job I don't like, but what am Idoing during that time, and I'm
consciously aware of that versusgoing through the motions
(09:07):
without really paying attention.
And so, if that's the case.
So that that's what I'm talkingabout, about not being authentic
.
If you know, to me you werebeing authentic for yourself,
very authentic, and I'll evensay, with a commend, you for a
little attitude in there too,I'm not going to take this and I
(09:29):
love that because we, we shouldrespect ourselves like that, we
should take care, self-care,self-love.
In things like that it's whenwe're not paying attention and
we're not doing what'semotionally healthy for us, but
we're just succumbing to thatsituation.
So that's more what I wastalking about.
(09:49):
So I don't know if thatclarified.
Deborah (09:51):
I guess one of the things that stood out for me in
this, in this agreement, thischapter about this agreement, is
the focus on freeing ourselvesfrom guilt and self-judgment.
So you know, it's like, even ifI'm not being authentic, I'm
not going to judge myself for it.
I'm just going to find a way.
(10:15):
You know it's just meetingmyself where I am and saying
where I am is okay, no matterwhat.
So having that awareness isjust like another level, it's
like a different thing to me.
Debbie (10:31):
Yeah, the word that he used because you said, I think,
self-judgment, which is true,and the word that he used that
really hit me wasself-punishment, like by judging
ourselves by, you know, maybefeeling some shame or guilt
about something, but how oftendo we punish ourselves and don't
(10:53):
even realize it just becausewe're repeating old tapes or
patterns from the past.
So I'm the impactful part inaddition to it making to be an
impeccable with your word anddon't take anything personal and
don't make assumptions when wepractice.
(11:15):
Always do your best it can be.
And this was the self-love partfor me, instead of me saying,
oh God, I screwed up again, I'mso stupid, or whatever words we
might say in our head, because alot of people say negative
things to themselves in theirmind and sometimes out loud to
(11:36):
themselves and not in public.
But I was learning to say, likeyou know, I'm learning
something new and that takestime.
It takes time to practice itagain and again and I know that
I'll get better as I practiceand that, to me, would be doing
my best and being impeccablewith my word.
(11:59):
Right, so it's just combiningthose always do your best.
That agreement allows you tomaybe screw up and go.
Oh, just like you thought, am Idoing my best?
And then you like have to lookat that.
Or am I being impeccable withmy word?
(12:19):
Oh, I wasn't.
I could have done better withthat.
How can I do better?
And you know to always do yourbest, I think, is to say, maybe
not in the moment, because wemay not be able to, but to go
later on and think about howcould I have done that better,
because I think that frame ofreference is into our mind so
(12:39):
that the next time it does comeup, we've thought about it and
now we can draw from that versusoh, it happened again, and it
happened again, and it happenedagain because we haven't given
ourselves any other options.
Deborah (12:51):
So yeah, and one thing that I'm I'm I'm wanting to
bring forth too is I you weretalking about.
Sometimes, you know, okay, I'mdeciding that I'm not going to
do the thing that I'm going todo and I'd rather.
You know, there's somebehaviors that come from the
judgment, right, like drinking,smoking, you know, isolating
(13:16):
yourself.
But one of the things that Iwanted to bring forth as a
self-care kind of nuance to thatis sometimes the self-care
might be, you know, doing yoga,going to the gym, you know,
drinking smoothies, but theother day it might be laying
(13:48):
around in your pajamas,practices that they take on as
part of this.
You know, okay, today is not mybest day, today, I'm not, you
know, my best may be justgetting out of bed.
Debbie (14:05):
So true, you know, and don't't judge yourself, lean
into it that's a really goodpoint, because we're not in the
same place all the time.
Just, I mean, I would say,until like just a couple days
ago, three weeks prior to thatwere these I don't.
(14:27):
I want to say, the moon was inthe seventh house and Jupiter
was not aligning with Mars and Iwas miserable.
I felt like like I could Iwould, you know, do the things
that I normally do to like raisemy vibration and bring myself
out of it and I go, okay, myvibrations up, I'm feeling joy.
(14:47):
This is awesome.
But the the I don't know.
It was like somebody sprayed WD40 on the slide.
Man, I just slid right backdown into this.
I don't want to call itdepression.
It wasn't depression, but itsure felt not where I want to be
.
I'll say that I was like, ohman, what is wrong?
(15:10):
Like why are you feeling this?
And I didn't really have ananswer for myself.
And so you know, the sofa andNetflix and Cheetos did sound
good, I went for Fritos insteadof Cheetos, but I really did do
that instead of Cheetos, but Ireally did do that and I allowed
it, like I consciously, I saidyou know what you're doing,
(15:37):
right?
And I was like yep, and I'mlike, and this is what you want
to do?
I'm like, yep, and I'm talkingto myself like maybe a little in
my head, not out loud, but I'mlike really choosing it.
I'm like, all right, you get aday, you get a day, take your
day, enjoy your misery, and butyou know we can't stay here.
And it's like, yeah, it's true,and so, um, I don't know if that
(15:58):
was truly my best, but I tellyou it just felt like it, it
just was okay.
So I appreciate you saying that, because I don't have many days
like that, but I do want tohonor it when I do have a day
like that.
Um, yeah, I don't know, I um itit took a minute, but well, it
(16:27):
took.
It took many minutes and ittook many days.
I'll be honest, it did.
Deborah (16:31):
It didn't come, I didn't come out of it right away
, but I did reach out, talk topeople, um, and I don't know, um
, I moved ahead and yeah, andthat's one of the things that,
um, you know, by allowing thosemoments, those days, whatever,
without judgment, that is reallycompletely leaning into doing,
(16:59):
you know, doing your best andand just allowing your best to
be just what it is and just bein presence with it.
But one of the things that I,as a self-care you know, guru,
whatever one of the things thatI want us to do is to set up our
(17:22):
lives so that we don't havemany of those days where it just
feels like I love, I love, lovethe optics of wd-40 on the
slide I love you know, where wedon't have the wd-40, on the
slide, where we have set it upso that we have some things that
are going to hold us, you know,like being in gratitude every
(17:45):
day, attitude every day.
So having that self-carepractice of an attitude of
gratitude acknowledging thethings that you do well, you
know, I'm really celebrating thefact that I got my newsletter
done in one day, you know, and Ireally like it.
(18:05):
So, just acknowledging thethings that you do well, it's
just like the analogy that yougive with a bucket of water,
right, you know, and the moredrops of mud that you put into
the water, or even the other way, you have a little cup of mud
(18:26):
or a bucket of mud and you keepthrowing clear water, clear,
clean water.
Next thing, you know, the mudisn't so muddy and you're seeing
more water than mud or dirt,and so I advocate that we create
a way to create a way, thosethings in our life that put
water into the mud.
(18:46):
So the attitude of gratitude,celebrating all of your little,
you know, this morning I got upa little bit early and made up
the bed.
Celebrate that, you know, Imake up my bed every morning and
there are some mornings when Ijust say, you know what, I don't
feel like making up the bed andI don't.
But I'm just acknowledgingthose things that you do Well,
(19:11):
acknowledge those things thatare your best and those moments
when you recognize, wow, Ikilled that.
I did an amazing job with thatRight.
Debbie (19:23):
Yeah, and I love that.
He says always do your best,but no more or not not, I don't
know which one.
He says first, but it doesn'tmean do less, but also don't
overdo like, don't do more.
And if doing your best and youfeel like man, I am on this and
(19:45):
I am rocking it and I'll put anextra two hours in, that doesn't
mean I'm overdoing it.
It's, I think, overdoing it.
At least this is myinterpretation.
Overdoing it is you're doing itfor the wrong reason.
Like I would overly clean myhouse, like I said on the off
chance that somebody would showup and my house would have to be
(20:05):
perfect and spotless, andpeople didn't regularly show up
at my house would have to beperfect and spotless and people
didn't regularly show up at myhouse.
So why did I have to do that?
That's unhealthy and I learnedthat.
To do your best.
Now my house looks lived in, somuch more feels right for me
and I just felt like I wasoverdoing it.
But I now know why because Ithought I had it to be.
(20:26):
I had to be perfect.
I you know, like the way I grewup, I thought, well, if I'm
perfect, I'll be loved more oraccepted more or whatever my
thoughts were at the time, but Icarried that with me and that
was the unhealthy part.
Once I figured out that cause,I did read this book.
Like what did we talk about?
Deborah (20:45):
30 years ago or something.
Debbie (20:47):
Yeah, well, I was.
Oh, my God, I am over doingthis.
I mean, I would get to thepoint where I would my blood
sugar would drop because Ihadn't eaten Cause I thought I
had to do this other thing.
So it's just not healthy, right, anyway.
So, um, but laying on the sofafor me, giving myself the day,
was like I didn't want to usethe excuse.
(21:07):
Well, this is my best for theday.
Too many days, you know, maybefor some people it is their best
and they are doing their bestto just get out of the bed.
You know, and I want to honorthat as well, that that wasn't
my situation.
So for me to allow myself to dothat, I, I, I just I just did
(21:28):
it and I'm okay with it.
So I don't need anybody tovalidate it or not validate it,
and that's another awesome thing.
I was being authentic to myself, and when we're authentic, we
do not need others acceptance ofwhat we did or validation of
what we did.
How?
Deborah (21:48):
are you defining authentic Because I'm?
You're having a problem withthat.
Yeah, I am.
I am Authentic can be manythings.
I just I would love to hearwhat, what, what you, how,
you're defining it in thisconversation.
Debbie (22:05):
Sure, and I hope I can give that to you.
I just I know that when I saythe word authentic, I have a
certain I guess you'd say like afeeling, and I know what I mean
.
So let's see if I can explainit, and if not, I'll have to
come back and be more clear.
Authentic to me is actually, Iguess, a lot of things.
(22:29):
It's high integrity.
I'm not doing anything to hurtanother person.
It's might not be the best foranother person and they may be
(22:52):
challenged by something I'mdoing, but when I'm being
authentic to myself, I feel likeI'm doing what's best and right
for my highest good.
I don't know if that is clearenough, but I feel like if I
kept talking that I would berepeating myself.
(23:14):
But if you have a question, byall means, because other people
All right, sorry, I just I wasjust feeling that.
Deborah (23:24):
And I what when I think about being authentic, feeling
that?
And I what when I think aboutbeing authentic?
Sometimes my authentic self isall roses and sunshine, and
sometimes my authentic self isbleepity, bleep, bleep.
Debbie (23:43):
I was going to say I wanted to let the audience know
you were.
Your mouth was moving, but nowords were coming out.
So I'm like what'd she say?
It's going to be juicy.
She's like I'm not going to saythat out loud yeah, and, and,
and.
Deborah (23:56):
I think both of those are authentic.
You know I don't have to bethis, yeah, so so my thing about
talk about that.
Debbie (24:11):
Let's talk about that.
Let's talk about.
Let's talk about that authenticthing about if you are, you
said blankety, blank, blank,blank, right.
So if you're seeing that, giveme just a little snippet of a
situation.
Something happened and you saidthat to somebody and you're
being really authentic, that youwere angry, like that kind of
thing.
Yeah.
Deborah (24:30):
I mean because I think I want to allow myself.
I think what is authentic isexpressing your full range of
feelings or allowing or at leasthaving an awareness of them.
Um, today I was in a meetingwith a meeting with someone and
they said something and thatkind of got my little you know,
(24:56):
triggered me a little bit and Ichose not to say anything about
it because it was a businesssituation.
I didn't want to have to openthat up, but I was authentic
with myself because I recognizedwhat that person said, how it
triggered me, but it didn'trequire me to say something to
(25:20):
him to still be in my authenticself.
Debbie (25:23):
Okay, I am seeing how you're saying that you had a
specific feeling and it wasauthentic for you, and that's
totally understandable.
My question would probably beis it in your highest good to
(25:56):
indulge that feeling?
Is what they did this trigger?
Is this something that isoffensive, like to everyone?
Or is it more something thatgoes on with you, where it
affected you but maybe otherpeople weren't affected?
And for me, the authenticitycomes with.
I have to look at that.
When I get triggered, I have togo.
You know Debbie's, you know mything, deb, don't matter.
So if something happens and I'mlike they triggered that thread
(26:19):
for lack of a better word thatfeeling oh, like what?
I don't matter Like thatauthentically?
Am I feeling that way?
Yes, like that authentically?
Am I feeling that way?
Yes, but is it in my highestgood to not look at that and say
what about?
That is triggering me, that I'mnegative?
Energy goes back to that otherperson, but I'm not changing,
(26:42):
I'm not looking at what I'mdoing.
That that's when what I'mtalking about.
How can I be authentic withwhat the feeling was and what do
I do with it?
Deborah (26:52):
right.
Did it make sense?
Okay, because so like in thatsituation, I allowed that
feeling, I acknowledged thatfeeling.
I said this is what he said andthis is why I was, I, I, why it
?
I I don't want to say it was asbig as being triggered, but
this is why I had the internalreaction to it.
(27:13):
This is where the power is,this is where the self-care is.
I had that feeling.
I allowed that feeling tofreely emerge.
I looked at it with curiosityand then I chose.
I chose what would be in mybest interest at the time and
(27:35):
what was in my best interest atthe time.
What was my best at the timewas just to let it go.
Debbie (27:43):
Okay, that does not sound inauthentic to me, but I
also am wondering if you, ifthat situation comes up again
and again and again and you'renot addressing why, is that,
like you said, not a trigger,but an emotional, what'd you
(28:04):
call it?
I'm sorry, I want to say thewords you used.
Deborah (28:07):
You said it created some kind of an emotional
reactivity maybe, yeah,triggering or whatever, yeah,
but see, but then that's.
I mean I think we're gettingaway from the topic here just a
little bit.
I mean, we can, we go downrabbit holes sometimes, but that
is the same thing that I'mtalking about.
Like you say, if it's happeningall the time, if this person
(28:29):
was somebody that I was inregular relationship with and it
was happening all the time andI was having to, you know,
respond in a way or whatever andit was happening regularly,
(28:49):
regularly, maybe this is aperson that's no longer in my
inner circle, that gets movedout because it's my self-care.
So the what is you know doingyour best at the time is just
allowing the feeling, noticing,making a decision based on your
best interest, and then you know, and then moving on.
Debbie (29:07):
Okay, I like that.
That feels right.
And you know, do your always doyour best and apparently you
did your best and that waspretty good because you didn't
interrupt the meeting, youdidn't, you know, draw the
attention, so that that was good.
I am going to look at uh, a uhbetter definition for myself of
(29:29):
what authenticity is, because Iknow what I mean by it, but I
don't explain it very well, soI'll do that on my own.
But I just want to say thatthat's me doing my best.
I'm going to figure it out formyself.
So thank you for that.
So what do you think did we?
Deborah (29:47):
come.
Well, I, you know, I, I debbie,I think we're coming to the end
of this episode and, um, I justjust wonder, I just wonder if
you have like one big you knowwhat's, what's, what's your
thought that you want to sharewith everybody with this, with
this agreement, what is you know?
(30:07):
As far as self-love isconcerned, I just love that
self-care and self-love are justshowing up big in this.
But do you have one?
Whatever?
What do you think?
What do you want to leave?
Debbie (30:21):
Yeah, Okay, so I guess my my nugget would be for always
do your best includes alwaysdoing your best to with by and
for yourself, in your words,actions, thoughts, choices,
habits, especially how you speakto yourself.
(30:42):
So that would be my nugget whatdo?
Deborah (30:47):
you have.
I say ditto and I mean it's theexact same thing.
It's you know, self-care is thesame thing.
It's just, you know, takingcare of yourself and knowing
that you're doing your best andgiving yourself the grace for
(31:09):
where you are right now, forbeing in presence.
So, thank you, thank you, thankyou, you guys, thank you so
much for being with us and, asalways, and and and as always,
we invite you to love and carefor the Shiro in you.
(31:31):
Bye, you guys.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.