September 27, 2025 • 22 mins
Talk to us, Shero! Talk to us!
Imagine carrying a backpack full of rocks—each one a regret, each one a moment you can’t stop replaying. The weight grows heavier the longer you cling to it, even as you shift it from one shoulder to the other. At some point, the question becomes: how much longer will you punish yourself before you finally set it down?
In this episode, we dive into the art of self-forgiveness—the practice that frees you from dragging the past into your present. When you stop punishing yourself for choices made with the knowledge and resources you had at the time, you reclaim your personal power and open the door to deeper healing. As one anonymous voice put it, growth is learning, not perfection. Every version of you—flawed, messy, growing—was necessary to become the person you are today.
We’ll explore practical ways to forgive yourself, whether you prefer examining each “rock” one by one or laying down the entire backpack at once. The path isn’t about perfection but about compassionately noticing when you’ve strayed from your values and gently coming back. As Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us, “Always do your best”—and your best will look different from moment to moment. Forgiveness is how we honor that truth and expand our capacity for self-love.
Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.
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Email: deb@debbiepearson.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:18):
Well, hello everyone.
Um welcome to the Shiro Cafe.
Uh before we get into our topic,which is really cool today, um,
if you enjoy our content, pleasebe sure to hit like and
subscribe.
It helps more than you know.
We are deeply grateful to youbecause it is your support that
helps fuel our mission.
(00:38):
And that is showing the worldthat change begins from within.
And when we learn to love andcare for ourselves, that's when
the change happens.
All right, let's go ahead andget into it.
Go, Deborah.
SPEAKER_01 (00:51):
Hey, y'all.
So today's episode is aboutshifting the lens, moving from
self-punishment over pastdecisions to honoring them as
part of your growth journey.
At its core, it's aboutforgiveness, self-compassion,
and reclaiming your personalpower.
You reclaim your personal power.
(01:11):
You do all of these things byrecognizing that every version
of you was necessary for who youare today.
Debbie, why don't you share withour audience your inspiration
for today's conversation?
Oh, I'd love to.
SPEAKER_00 (01:27):
Um, first of all, I would love to give credit, and I
don't know who wrote it.
So right now it's anonymous.
But it was a meme I saw onFacebook, and it went like this
it says you can't keep punishingyourself for choices you made
with the knowledge you had then.
(01:47):
Forgive yourself now.
Growth is learning, notperfection.
Be kind to the person you were,because without them, you
wouldn't be the person you arenow.
And I just think that is sobeautiful.
SPEAKER_01 (02:06):
You know, I do too.
And you have you heard, uh, youknow, I and I this just comes to
mind for me.
Those people that are on theirdeathbed at 92 that said, I
would not change a thing, Iwould not do anything different
in my life.
And that's how I feel right now.
(02:26):
I've had some bad things happen.
I've had some, you know, thingsthat I didn't enjoy.
I've had to make some decisionsthat were not maybe necessarily
the right one for me, but thatinformed me.
And that led me to somethingelse.
And that led me to somethingelse.
And every single time I Ibelieve that even when I made
(02:49):
mistakes, it led me to somethingthat benefited me or added to my
life.
SPEAKER_00 (02:54):
Um, like that, it's so beautiful to live your life
in a way where you evolve tothat point.
It is so beautiful.
And one of the things that uh Iteach uh my students is self,
well, we say patience,compassion, forgiveness, and
(03:16):
gratitude.
But I like to go a little bitslower and say self-compassion,
self-patience, self-forgiveness,and we'll come back to that, and
self-gratitude.
We're intimately familiar how tobe grateful about all these
other things outside ofourselves.
And I'm the encouragement is toalso find ways to be grateful
(03:41):
for yourself.
I think when people get to aplace where they can learn
self-forgiveness about some ofthe things that maybe they did
in their past.
Like when you said um about the92-year-old or whatever, I
wouldn't change a thing in mymind, like nothing, you know,
(04:04):
you wouldn't change anything.
Like, I'm like, I can count afew things that I would change,
things that I've done, but alsothings that other people uh
quote unquote did to me or whatfelt like I was, you know, was
being done to me.
But freedom, I'm sorry,forgiveness is a form of
freedom.
(04:24):
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So if you know, being able toforgive ourselves, a lot of
times people think that's aweakness and we need to be tough
and not, you know, give it up,right?
But when we can like releasethose chains of regret, it's
like you're able to move forwardlighter and stronger.
(04:47):
You don't have that heavy weightholding you back.
And I I've likened it to like abackpack full of rocks, you
know, like if you everyindiscretion or whatever, you're
putting a rock in your backpackand your backpack's heavy, it's
full, it's this big bag.
And after a while, it's likeyour back is killing you.
So you move it, you know, to theside, the right side.
(05:10):
Like after a while, you got tomove it and you move to the
left, and then you move to thefront, and you keep moving it
around.
And maybe you even get a friendand you're like, hey, can you
help me carry your mom bag withme?
And you walk with a friend andthey're carrying it with you.
And at some point, they're like,enough of me helping you carry
this heavy bag of rocks, andthey leave and you're still
carrying them.
And it's like, at what point, atwhat point do we begin to take a
(05:35):
look at those rocks, right?
And being able to look at thoserocks and go, ah, this rock
here, I'm gonna forgive whateverthis rock is and leave it and
keep moving and get another rockand forgive.
And that it's like to me, that'show that 92-year-old gets to
being able to say, I wouldn'tchange a thing.
(05:55):
I'm not there yet.
But you say that you've gottenthere, and I I love that for
you.
SPEAKER_01 (06:01):
Yeah, and I think one of the reasons is because I
don't reach for the rock andpull it out of the backpack and
say, I forgive, right?
I just uh put the whole backpackdown and say, Listen, as of this
moment, I forgive, you know, allof those, you know, things that
(06:25):
you're holding on to that youcould have done differently.
Because every time you'll pickup one of those rocks out of the
backpack, I feel like you'reyou're adding energy to it
again.
I want to just drop the energyoff, acknowledge them, not
acknowledge, you know, notignore that the rocks are even
there, acknowledge them thatthere are many of them, and
(06:46):
there are probably more rocksthan can fit on a backpack in my
back and in my past.
So it feels better for me tojust say, as of this moment, I
am advocating for me, I amcaring for myself by putting
this backpack down, beinggrateful for it.
(07:06):
Thank you so much, Deborah.
You made all of those decisions.
They the those things that youdid brought you to where you are
right now, and let's just moveforward.
It's just a different way ofthinking of it.
SPEAKER_00 (07:20):
Yeah, yeah.
No, I and I love that becausethere's different people in the
world.
I mean, just like we learndifferently, some people are
audio, some people are visual,some people kinesthetic.
I think we forgive in differentways as well.
Um, like for me, it kind offeels like re-looking at that
rock is kind of honoring my pastself.
(07:41):
And in a way, it's like insteadof shaming myself for who I was,
thanking myself for survivingit, for trying, for doing the
best that I could, for movingforward, for getting to where I
am, and now I can put it down.
For me, that feels better thanyour way, but I love that way
(08:01):
for you.
SPEAKER_01 (08:02):
And that's and you know, and that's what I teach my
clients when I'm doing coaching.
And it's it, and here's aperfect example.
For me, it doesn't feel good tosit around and recapitulate and
all of those things and to say,okay, this rock did this, this
rock did this, you know, okay,Deborah, you know, you wore that
(08:22):
short skirt when you were 13,you know, forgive yourself for
that.
It it just doesn't feel good forme to do that.
Um, and I know it's a little bitmore deeper than that, you know,
but yeah, I'm not I'm not sayingwe sit down and reminisce about
everything.
SPEAKER_00 (08:41):
I think it's when it comes up as a strong emotional
something, and it's like, oh,there this is that thing again,
and then I can identify it and Idon't know, maybe acknowledge
that's what was, and that's nothow I want to live, and then
move forward.
It we may end up be doing thesame, or we end up at the same
(09:04):
goal.
The the top of the mountain,there's many, many paths to the
top of the mountain.
Ultimately, it's about forgivingyourself however it works for
you to forgive yourself, right?
SPEAKER_01 (09:13):
Well, I think I think actually you have
something there because um, youknow, I think that there is some
value of looking at it if itcomes up, you know.
So, like, I'm not gonna go outand seek all of those things,
(09:34):
but you know, if it comes up,because one of the things I I
noticed about it was so funny, Iwas having to make a decision
about waiving somebody's well,about I'm not gonna give the
details, but I had to make adecision, and uh my first
response was a no, no, no, no,no, nobody, no, no, no, no, no,
(09:57):
no, no.
And what I realized when Istopped is the reason it was
such a hard, cool no that Ididn't even have to breathe and
think about it is because I washarboring resentment from a year
ago.
Oh, you know, and so to be ableto have that awareness to say,
dang, this is kind of a youknow, a strong response to
(10:19):
something that really doesn'tdeserve a response, you know, to
that degree, what's going on?
And just listen and say, Oh,you're giving yourself for this,
you know, okay, forgive yourselfnow, let it go.
SPEAKER_00 (10:36):
So let me ask you a question has has it always been
like that for you, or have youevolved to be able to do that?
SPEAKER_01 (10:44):
I have had to evolve to be able to do that because uh
for the longest time it wasstrictly a reaction, right?
I would just react and then dealwith the consequences and not
have that um emotionalintelligence that allowed me to
(11:05):
have an awareness of anythingelse but what my reaction was.
Yeah, and so I think that youknow that there's different
things that bring us to thatpoint, but and one of them is uh
having that um taking thatjourney of self-awareness and
(11:25):
self-care, and even justbringing yourself, just giving
yourself the um chance and thespace to be able to do those
things, but it just doesn'thappen.
You don't say, okay, today I'mgonna forgive myself, and it,
you know, it's a journey, right?
Oh, really?
SPEAKER_00 (11:46):
So it sounds like um, and I think for both of us,
it's like there's this growth ofself-compassion and the
understanding of whateverhappened in our lives, and that
fuels the transformation becauseI'm pretty much there as well,
where something does come up,and and now I can be like, oh,
(12:09):
there's that thing again.
It's like it's not like oh, I'vealready dealt with that and I
can't deal with it anymore.
I mean, if it's a strongemotion, and I'm gonna go ahead
and share this.
I um this this this has come upfor me recently.
I had a lot of difficulty in mylife with my mom, and anyone
that follows me knows thatstory, but we'll just leave it
(12:32):
at difficulty with my mom.
Um and I went through a lot oftherapy and coaching and all
kinds of stuff to finally cometo a place where I forgave my
mom.
Like I get that she did what shedid, she didn't really know what
she was doing.
That's just how she functionedin life.
(12:55):
That's very challenging becauseI also can admit that doesn't
mean it didn't hurt very badlyand create some really gaping
wounds for me.
But those have kind of prettymuch scarred over.
But what I want to say is the Iguess the part for me is it came
(13:20):
up again and for it came upagain as as some very, very
painful energy.
And I was able to just sit withit and be very compassionate
with myself, love myself, andkind of understand that I was
kind of uh in grief.
(13:42):
Like I was she hasn't passedaway, she's still with us, but
there was a death of the mom Ialways wanted, right?
The a death of the idea.
So even though I I thought itwas a done deal, well, I I
forgave her.
I don't have all that hate in myheart, but there was a piece
(14:03):
that I hadn't.
And so now going again throughsome forgiveness is but it's
it's it's forgiveness formyself.
It's to just unchain me.
I'm not trying to forgive orforget or anything her, because
it's not about her anymore.
You know, it's about me and howam I going to handle the
(14:24):
sadnesses that come from within.
Because we can't change otherpeople.
Period.
Like that's a full completesentence.
We cannot change other people.
We absolutely have that personalpower to change ourselves.
And if we don't know how to doit like on our own, find
somebody like you, Deborah, withself-care, like me, with
(14:45):
self-love that can help to beable to facilitate that
transformation for you.
Because that is where freedomcomes from, emotional freedom.
SPEAKER_01 (14:55):
So I'm I'm I'm listening to this story, and
I've got a question.
So, and and this is the coachcoming out on me in me for me.
Please do have you forgivenyourself for your part in the
situation with your mom?
Absolutely not.
SPEAKER_00 (15:15):
I know, I know.
I mean, so okay, let me beserious.
Have I forgiven myself for thesituation?
Uh how did you say it?
SPEAKER_01 (15:25):
For the have you forgiven yourself for your part
in the the relationship withyour mom?
SPEAKER_00 (15:37):
As the adult me, I have forgiven myself for the
adult me situation.
I don't know how to forgive thechild.
Not forgive the child.
I I just don't think there'sanything to forgive of the
child.
Like I'm having a difficultywith what is there to forgive.
I mean, a ch I'll just usemyself.
(16:00):
I'm a child in a home that I'm Idon't want to use the word
victim, okay, but it's like I'mat their mercy, so to speak.
I have to do what they say.
So what hell do you think?
SPEAKER_01 (16:16):
I'm talking about as an adult, the the actions that
you've taken are not taken umwith your mom.
When I was young, or as anadult, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:32):
Those feel like two really different energies to me.
One living under their roof andone when I'm on my own.
SPEAKER_01 (16:39):
Yeah, so I'm talking about on your own.
Okay.
I'm not talking about under theroof.
Under the roof, you were achild.
Yep, you didn't, you know,whatever.
But I was fighting back.
I know that.
Well, you should uh well, Iwon't say that, but um, you
know, I know that you know thereare some things that I think
(17:01):
about myself, like when myfather came to live with me when
um, you know, when after my momdied and he was ill.
And I, you know, after he died,I kept thinking, oh my god,
maybe I should have gotten himto the hospital sooner.
Oh my gosh, maybe I should haveforced him to do this.
Oh my god, maybe I should haveshoulda, shoulda, shoulda, you
(17:24):
know.
We're gonna shul the shoulda,shelve the shoulda's, and just
forgive yourself for it.
So are if there are any actionslike so I'm gonna just let that
go.
That's what I'm talking about.
I see.
Um, and so forgive myself foranything that I think I may have
done wrong, even it may not havebeen wrong, it's still holding
(17:45):
in me.
SPEAKER_00 (17:46):
Yeah.
I mean, when you were saying it,I kind of sensed maybe some
potential guilt.
Like, if only I had done thingsdifferently, maybe there would
have been a different outcome.
And getting to the point ofrecognizing um that I didn't do
anything wrong or not doanything right.
(18:08):
It it is it is just the way thesituation played out, and I
forgive myself for however thislanded.
And like that, yes, I feel likeI have forgiven myself for those
things.
SPEAKER_01 (18:20):
Okay, because the the specific part in the meme
that we're talking about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forgot all about is that youcan't keep punishing yourself
for choices that you made withthe knowledge you had then.
Oh, I love that part.
Yes, you did every single that,every single decision that I
(18:43):
made, I was loving daddy.
I was doing what I knew was thebest thing to do, and and and I
know that.
And you know, yeah, there wassome guilt, but I know I was
doing the best that I can withwhat I had to work with.
SPEAKER_00 (18:56):
So you know that now, but you had that that
feeling before.
Do you you feel like at thattime you weren't sure there was
that the guilt or or notknowing, but you've come to
understand that what you knewthen, this is from that quote,
right?
So who you were then, what youknew then, you did the best that
you could.
(19:16):
Right.
So that that brings up the theDon Miguel Ruiz and the four
agreements for me, where alwaysdo your best.
I think that's not right.
Always do your best.
And I love that agreement.
I make that agreement withmyself every single day.
Well, now it's just immediate.
I know that when I do something,I always do the best that I can
(19:39):
in that moment.
And as a reminder, the my bestchanges from minute to minute,
day to day.
How am I feeling?
What else is on my plate?
Am I doing the best that I cando?
Not as an excuse, but what Ilove about it is the recognition
that if I always do the bestthat I can do, I don't regret
(19:59):
anything.
Like I just don't because I knowI did the best that I could do.
SPEAKER_01 (20:04):
And that exactly.
And you know, and it's not justforgiving yourself, it's just,
you know, because there'snothing to forgive in that
situation.
When you keep punishing yourselffor a choice, there's nothing to
forgive.
You made the best choice thatyou could make with what you had
to, you know, to make thatchoice with.
So I I I definitely I love thatabout that meme.
(20:28):
It is because we punishourselves about so many things
that are even actually beyondour control.
SPEAKER_00 (20:37):
So this episode is really about shifting the lens
and moving from likeself-punishment to like over
past decisions to honoring themas part of our journey, right?
So at its core, this is aboutforgiveness, self-compassion,
reclaiming your personal powerand recognizing that it's like,
(21:01):
oh my God, if you really thinkabout it, there's version,
version, version, version,version, version, version of
ourselves in every minute, muchless over periods of years.
Like we are we are recreating aswe go, iterations, whatever you
want to call it, we arereinventing ourselves.
The the objective, I don't wantto say the challenge, though
(21:27):
sometimes it is, but it's toalways move toward what is that
North Star we have.
And if the North Star isself-care, self-love,
self-respect, self-worth, wejust have to look because we're
gonna weave.
That's weave, but are we on ourway to our North Star, to that
(21:47):
end goal, like what you put inthe GPS?
Or have we detoured and we'rekind of going the wrong
direction, right?
And then reroute.
Reroute detours happen, right?
SPEAKER_01 (21:58):
Right.
You know, like that situationthat that you know that I had to
respond to that woman, and I'mlike, no, no, no.
You know what?
That's me stopping and saying,whoa, and then rerouting, yep,
rerouting on a direction that'smore aligned with my heart, with
my values, with what aligns mewith the rest of the world, you
(22:19):
know, how I want to connect withthe rest of the world, and
that's the mission.
So, Debbie, great conversationtoday.
And audience, thank you so muchfor stopping by the Shiro Cafe.
Please come back and we inviteyou to please click that like
(22:40):
button and subscribe to theShiro Cafe so you can stay
informed and help us on ourmission to spread love and self
care.
And as always, we invite you tolove and care for the Shiro and
you.
Bye.
Well, hello everyone.
Um welcome to the Shiro Cafe.
Uh before we get into our topic,which is really cool today, um,
if you enjoy our content, pleasebe sure to hit like and
subscribe.
It helps more than you know.
We are deeply grateful to youbecause it is your support that
helps fuel our mission.
(00:38):
And that is showing the worldthat change begins from within.
And when we learn to love andcare for ourselves, that's when
the change happens.
All right, let's go ahead andget into it.
Go, Deborah.
SPEAKER_01 (00:51):
Hey, y'all.
So today's episode is aboutshifting the lens, moving from
self-punishment over pastdecisions to honoring them as
part of your growth journey.
At its core, it's aboutforgiveness, self-compassion,
and reclaiming your personalpower.
You reclaim your personal power.
(01:11):
You do all of these things byrecognizing that every version
of you was necessary for who youare today.
Debbie, why don't you share withour audience your inspiration
for today's conversation?
Oh, I'd love to.
SPEAKER_00 (01:27):
Um, first of all, I would love to give credit, and I
don't know who wrote it.
So right now it's anonymous.
But it was a meme I saw onFacebook, and it went like this
it says you can't keep punishingyourself for choices you made
with the knowledge you had then.
(01:47):
Forgive yourself now.
Growth is learning, notperfection.
Be kind to the person you were,because without them, you
wouldn't be the person you arenow.
And I just think that is sobeautiful.
SPEAKER_01 (02:06):
You know, I do too.
And you have you heard, uh, youknow, I and I this just comes to
mind for me.
Those people that are on theirdeathbed at 92 that said, I
would not change a thing, Iwould not do anything different
in my life.
And that's how I feel right now.
(02:26):
I've had some bad things happen.
I've had some, you know, thingsthat I didn't enjoy.
I've had to make some decisionsthat were not maybe necessarily
the right one for me, but thatinformed me.
And that led me to somethingelse.
And that led me to somethingelse.
And every single time I Ibelieve that even when I made
(02:49):
mistakes, it led me to somethingthat benefited me or added to my
life.
SPEAKER_00 (02:54):
Um, like that, it's so beautiful to live your life
in a way where you evolve tothat point.
It is so beautiful.
And one of the things that uh Iteach uh my students is self,
well, we say patience,compassion, forgiveness, and
(03:16):
gratitude.
But I like to go a little bitslower and say self-compassion,
self-patience, self-forgiveness,and we'll come back to that, and
self-gratitude.
We're intimately familiar how tobe grateful about all these
other things outside ofourselves.
And I'm the encouragement is toalso find ways to be grateful
(03:41):
for yourself.
I think when people get to aplace where they can learn
self-forgiveness about some ofthe things that maybe they did
in their past.
Like when you said um about the92-year-old or whatever, I
wouldn't change a thing in mymind, like nothing, you know,
(04:04):
you wouldn't change anything.
Like, I'm like, I can count afew things that I would change,
things that I've done, but alsothings that other people uh
quote unquote did to me or whatfelt like I was, you know, was
being done to me.
But freedom, I'm sorry,forgiveness is a form of
freedom.
(04:24):
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So if you know, being able toforgive ourselves, a lot of
times people think that's aweakness and we need to be tough
and not, you know, give it up,right?
But when we can like releasethose chains of regret, it's
like you're able to move forwardlighter and stronger.
(04:47):
You don't have that heavy weightholding you back.
And I I've likened it to like abackpack full of rocks, you
know, like if you everyindiscretion or whatever, you're
putting a rock in your backpackand your backpack's heavy, it's
full, it's this big bag.
And after a while, it's likeyour back is killing you.
So you move it, you know, to theside, the right side.
(05:10):
Like after a while, you got tomove it and you move to the
left, and then you move to thefront, and you keep moving it
around.
And maybe you even get a friendand you're like, hey, can you
help me carry your mom bag withme?
And you walk with a friend andthey're carrying it with you.
And at some point, they're like,enough of me helping you carry
this heavy bag of rocks, andthey leave and you're still
carrying them.
And it's like, at what point, atwhat point do we begin to take a
(05:35):
look at those rocks, right?
And being able to look at thoserocks and go, ah, this rock
here, I'm gonna forgive whateverthis rock is and leave it and
keep moving and get another rockand forgive.
And that it's like to me, that'show that 92-year-old gets to
being able to say, I wouldn'tchange a thing.
(05:55):
I'm not there yet.
But you say that you've gottenthere, and I I love that for
you.
SPEAKER_01 (06:01):
Yeah, and I think one of the reasons is because I
don't reach for the rock andpull it out of the backpack and
say, I forgive, right?
I just uh put the whole backpackdown and say, Listen, as of this
moment, I forgive, you know, allof those, you know, things that
(06:25):
you're holding on to that youcould have done differently.
Because every time you'll pickup one of those rocks out of the
backpack, I feel like you'reyou're adding energy to it
again.
I want to just drop the energyoff, acknowledge them, not
acknowledge, you know, notignore that the rocks are even
there, acknowledge them thatthere are many of them, and
(06:46):
there are probably more rocksthan can fit on a backpack in my
back and in my past.
So it feels better for me tojust say, as of this moment, I
am advocating for me, I amcaring for myself by putting
this backpack down, beinggrateful for it.
(07:06):
Thank you so much, Deborah.
You made all of those decisions.
They the those things that youdid brought you to where you are
right now, and let's just moveforward.
It's just a different way ofthinking of it.
SPEAKER_00 (07:20):
Yeah, yeah.
No, I and I love that becausethere's different people in the
world.
I mean, just like we learndifferently, some people are
audio, some people are visual,some people kinesthetic.
I think we forgive in differentways as well.
Um, like for me, it kind offeels like re-looking at that
rock is kind of honoring my pastself.
(07:41):
And in a way, it's like insteadof shaming myself for who I was,
thanking myself for survivingit, for trying, for doing the
best that I could, for movingforward, for getting to where I
am, and now I can put it down.
For me, that feels better thanyour way, but I love that way
(08:01):
for you.
SPEAKER_01 (08:02):
And that's and you know, and that's what I teach my
clients when I'm doing coaching.
And it's it, and here's aperfect example.
For me, it doesn't feel good tosit around and recapitulate and
all of those things and to say,okay, this rock did this, this
rock did this, you know, okay,Deborah, you know, you wore that
(08:22):
short skirt when you were 13,you know, forgive yourself for
that.
It it just doesn't feel good forme to do that.
Um, and I know it's a little bitmore deeper than that, you know,
but yeah, I'm not I'm not sayingwe sit down and reminisce about
everything.
SPEAKER_00 (08:41):
I think it's when it comes up as a strong emotional
something, and it's like, oh,there this is that thing again,
and then I can identify it and Idon't know, maybe acknowledge
that's what was, and that's nothow I want to live, and then
move forward.
It we may end up be doing thesame, or we end up at the same
(09:04):
goal.
The the top of the mountain,there's many, many paths to the
top of the mountain.
Ultimately, it's about forgivingyourself however it works for
you to forgive yourself, right?
SPEAKER_01 (09:13):
Well, I think I think actually you have
something there because um, youknow, I think that there is some
value of looking at it if itcomes up, you know.
So, like, I'm not gonna go outand seek all of those things,
(09:34):
but you know, if it comes up,because one of the things I I
noticed about it was so funny, Iwas having to make a decision
about waiving somebody's well,about I'm not gonna give the
details, but I had to make adecision, and uh my first
response was a no, no, no, no,no, nobody, no, no, no, no, no,
(09:57):
no, no.
And what I realized when Istopped is the reason it was
such a hard, cool no that Ididn't even have to breathe and
think about it is because I washarboring resentment from a year
ago.
Oh, you know, and so to be ableto have that awareness to say,
dang, this is kind of a youknow, a strong response to
(10:19):
something that really doesn'tdeserve a response, you know, to
that degree, what's going on?
And just listen and say, Oh,you're giving yourself for this,
you know, okay, forgive yourselfnow, let it go.
SPEAKER_00 (10:36):
So let me ask you a question has has it always been
like that for you, or have youevolved to be able to do that?
SPEAKER_01 (10:44):
I have had to evolve to be able to do that because uh
for the longest time it wasstrictly a reaction, right?
I would just react and then dealwith the consequences and not
have that um emotionalintelligence that allowed me to
(11:05):
have an awareness of anythingelse but what my reaction was.
Yeah, and so I think that youknow that there's different
things that bring us to thatpoint, but and one of them is uh
having that um taking thatjourney of self-awareness and
(11:25):
self-care, and even justbringing yourself, just giving
yourself the um chance and thespace to be able to do those
things, but it just doesn'thappen.
You don't say, okay, today I'mgonna forgive myself, and it,
you know, it's a journey, right?
Oh, really?
SPEAKER_00 (11:46):
So it sounds like um, and I think for both of us,
it's like there's this growth ofself-compassion and the
understanding of whateverhappened in our lives, and that
fuels the transformation becauseI'm pretty much there as well,
where something does come up,and and now I can be like, oh,
(12:09):
there's that thing again.
It's like it's not like oh, I'vealready dealt with that and I
can't deal with it anymore.
I mean, if it's a strongemotion, and I'm gonna go ahead
and share this.
I um this this this has come upfor me recently.
I had a lot of difficulty in mylife with my mom, and anyone
that follows me knows thatstory, but we'll just leave it
(12:32):
at difficulty with my mom.
Um and I went through a lot oftherapy and coaching and all
kinds of stuff to finally cometo a place where I forgave my
mom.
Like I get that she did what shedid, she didn't really know what
she was doing.
That's just how she functionedin life.
(12:55):
That's very challenging becauseI also can admit that doesn't
mean it didn't hurt very badlyand create some really gaping
wounds for me.
But those have kind of prettymuch scarred over.
But what I want to say is the Iguess the part for me is it came
(13:20):
up again and for it came upagain as as some very, very
painful energy.
And I was able to just sit withit and be very compassionate
with myself, love myself, andkind of understand that I was
kind of uh in grief.
(13:42):
Like I was she hasn't passedaway, she's still with us, but
there was a death of the mom Ialways wanted, right?
The a death of the idea.
So even though I I thought itwas a done deal, well, I I
forgave her.
I don't have all that hate in myheart, but there was a piece
(14:03):
that I hadn't.
And so now going again throughsome forgiveness is but it's
it's it's forgiveness formyself.
It's to just unchain me.
I'm not trying to forgive orforget or anything her, because
it's not about her anymore.
You know, it's about me and howam I going to handle the
(14:24):
sadnesses that come from within.
Because we can't change otherpeople.
Period.
Like that's a full completesentence.
We cannot change other people.
We absolutely have that personalpower to change ourselves.
And if we don't know how to doit like on our own, find
somebody like you, Deborah, withself-care, like me, with
(14:45):
self-love that can help to beable to facilitate that
transformation for you.
Because that is where freedomcomes from, emotional freedom.
SPEAKER_01 (14:55):
So I'm I'm I'm listening to this story, and
I've got a question.
So, and and this is the coachcoming out on me in me for me.
Please do have you forgivenyourself for your part in the
situation with your mom?
Absolutely not.
SPEAKER_00 (15:15):
I know, I know.
I mean, so okay, let me beserious.
Have I forgiven myself for thesituation?
Uh how did you say it?
SPEAKER_01 (15:25):
For the have you forgiven yourself for your part
in the the relationship withyour mom?
SPEAKER_00 (15:37):
As the adult me, I have forgiven myself for the
adult me situation.
I don't know how to forgive thechild.
Not forgive the child.
I I just don't think there'sanything to forgive of the
child.
Like I'm having a difficultywith what is there to forgive.
I mean, a ch I'll just usemyself.
(16:00):
I'm a child in a home that I'm Idon't want to use the word
victim, okay, but it's like I'mat their mercy, so to speak.
I have to do what they say.
So what hell do you think?
SPEAKER_01 (16:16):
I'm talking about as an adult, the the actions that
you've taken are not taken umwith your mom.
When I was young, or as anadult, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:32):
Those feel like two really different energies to me.
One living under their roof andone when I'm on my own.
SPEAKER_01 (16:39):
Yeah, so I'm talking about on your own.
Okay.
I'm not talking about under theroof.
Under the roof, you were achild.
Yep, you didn't, you know,whatever.
But I was fighting back.
I know that.
Well, you should uh well, Iwon't say that, but um, you
know, I know that you know thereare some things that I think
(17:01):
about myself, like when myfather came to live with me when
um, you know, when after my momdied and he was ill.
And I, you know, after he died,I kept thinking, oh my god,
maybe I should have gotten himto the hospital sooner.
Oh my gosh, maybe I should haveforced him to do this.
Oh my god, maybe I should haveshoulda, shoulda, shoulda, you
(17:24):
know.
We're gonna shul the shoulda,shelve the shoulda's, and just
forgive yourself for it.
So are if there are any actionslike so I'm gonna just let that
go.
That's what I'm talking about.
I see.
Um, and so forgive myself foranything that I think I may have
done wrong, even it may not havebeen wrong, it's still holding
(17:45):
in me.
SPEAKER_00 (17:46):
Yeah.
I mean, when you were saying it,I kind of sensed maybe some
potential guilt.
Like, if only I had done thingsdifferently, maybe there would
have been a different outcome.
And getting to the point ofrecognizing um that I didn't do
anything wrong or not doanything right.
(18:08):
It it is it is just the way thesituation played out, and I
forgive myself for however thislanded.
And like that, yes, I feel likeI have forgiven myself for those
things.
SPEAKER_01 (18:20):
Okay, because the the specific part in the meme
that we're talking about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forgot all about is that youcan't keep punishing yourself
for choices that you made withthe knowledge you had then.
Oh, I love that part.
Yes, you did every single that,every single decision that I
(18:43):
made, I was loving daddy.
I was doing what I knew was thebest thing to do, and and and I
know that.
And you know, yeah, there wassome guilt, but I know I was
doing the best that I can withwhat I had to work with.
SPEAKER_00 (18:56):
So you know that now, but you had that that
feeling before.
Do you you feel like at thattime you weren't sure there was
that the guilt or or notknowing, but you've come to
understand that what you knewthen, this is from that quote,
right?
So who you were then, what youknew then, you did the best that
you could.
(19:16):
Right.
So that that brings up the theDon Miguel Ruiz and the four
agreements for me, where alwaysdo your best.
I think that's not right.
Always do your best.
And I love that agreement.
I make that agreement withmyself every single day.
Well, now it's just immediate.
I know that when I do something,I always do the best that I can
(19:39):
in that moment.
And as a reminder, the my bestchanges from minute to minute,
day to day.
How am I feeling?
What else is on my plate?
Am I doing the best that I cando?
Not as an excuse, but what Ilove about it is the recognition
that if I always do the bestthat I can do, I don't regret
(19:59):
anything.
Like I just don't because I knowI did the best that I could do.
SPEAKER_01 (20:04):
And that exactly.
And you know, and it's not justforgiving yourself, it's just,
you know, because there'snothing to forgive in that
situation.
When you keep punishing yourselffor a choice, there's nothing to
forgive.
You made the best choice thatyou could make with what you had
to, you know, to make thatchoice with.
So I I I definitely I love thatabout that meme.
(20:28):
It is because we punishourselves about so many things
that are even actually beyondour control.
SPEAKER_00 (20:37):
So this episode is really about shifting the lens
and moving from likeself-punishment to like over
past decisions to honoring themas part of our journey, right?
So at its core, this is aboutforgiveness, self-compassion,
reclaiming your personal powerand recognizing that it's like,
(21:01):
oh my God, if you really thinkabout it, there's version,
version, version, version,version, version, version of
ourselves in every minute, muchless over periods of years.
Like we are we are recreating aswe go, iterations, whatever you
want to call it, we arereinventing ourselves.
The the objective, I don't wantto say the challenge, though
(21:27):
sometimes it is, but it's toalways move toward what is that
North Star we have.
And if the North Star isself-care, self-love,
self-respect, self-worth, wejust have to look because we're
gonna weave.
That's weave, but are we on ourway to our North Star, to that
(21:47):
end goal, like what you put inthe GPS?
Or have we detoured and we'rekind of going the wrong
direction, right?
And then reroute.
Reroute detours happen, right?
SPEAKER_01 (21:58):
Right.
You know, like that situationthat that you know that I had to
respond to that woman, and I'mlike, no, no, no.
You know what?
That's me stopping and saying,whoa, and then rerouting, yep,
rerouting on a direction that'smore aligned with my heart, with
my values, with what aligns mewith the rest of the world, you
(22:19):
know, how I want to connect withthe rest of the world, and
that's the mission.
So, Debbie, great conversationtoday.
And audience, thank you so muchfor stopping by the Shiro Cafe.
Please come back and we inviteyou to please click that like
(22:40):
button and subscribe to theShiro Cafe so you can stay
informed and help us on ourmission to spread love and self
care.
And as always, we invite you tolove and care for the Shiro and
you.
Bye.
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