October 2, 2025 • 25 mins
Talk to us, Shero! Talk to us!
Self-love isn’t selfish—it’s sacred. Yet most of us put ourselves last. Why? Because we’ve absorbed beliefs that tell us we’re not worthy of care or rest.
In this conversation, we explore how those old stories show up as thoughts like “I don’t have time” or “I should put others first.” Many of us grew up where self-care was shamed—where rest meant laziness and treating yourself felt indulgent. The hidden message: you’re not worth the investment.
Breaking free starts with awareness and practice. Instead of chasing perfection, we focus on progress—small, consistent acts that honor your worth. Try shifting “I should” into “I choose,” asking whose voice you’re hearing, and giving yourself permission to evolve.
Mindset, self-care, and self-love form a cycle. Nurture one, and the others grow. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Fill yourself first, and you’ll have more to give—not less. Self-care isn’t what you do; it’s who you become when you honor your value. You deserve care simply because you exist.
Thank you so much for the likes, love, and comments you leave. Not only does it mean the world to us, it helps other women who need to hear it be able to find it.
#womenempoweringwomen
#youmatter
#makeadifference
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Debbie (00:20):
so today we're going to be talking about self-love and
self-care.
You know, so many of us havebeen conditioned to put other,
other people first, right to thepoint where, um, we're told
self-love or self-care isselfish.
But I believe caring foryourself is not a luxury, but
(00:40):
it's a right.
And today we're going to betalking about mindset and how
the beliefs we carry often areinherited from our families,
culture, society, and they canmake us hesitate to love and
care for ourselves fully.
Now, before we go any further,if you like our content, please
(01:01):
subscribe to the Shero Cafe.
Not only do we appreciate youvery much, but it goes a long
way to help support our missionto change the world by first
starting to love and care forourselves.
Now let's go ahead and get intoit.
Deborah (01:18):
Wow, Debbie, I love this topic and what comes to
mind to me is how important andhow your mindset, wherever it
comes from.
I mean, we all have past, weall have limiting beliefs, we
have things that inform us rightnow, but whatever the state of
(01:39):
your mindset is kind ofdetermines how we think about
ourselves, and how we thinkabout ourselves determines
whether we think self-care isoptional, indulgent or necessary
.
And the stories that we tellourselves about what we deserve,
(01:59):
our inner narratives, help orhinder our commitment to
self-care.
So, for example, I'm trying toreshape my exercise routine and
I truly believe that I deserveit right, I really deserve it,
and one of the things that Ikeep telling myself is that I
(02:21):
don't have time you know, or I.
you know I, but I know I'm worththe time, so I'm going to make
it happen.
And just knowing that andhaving that awareness that I am
worthy enough for it to be apriority for me helps inform me
(02:45):
on what my next steps are in myself-care journey.
Debbie (02:51):
It is so interesting how being like I guess you could
say becoming aware of, like yousaid, use the statement I don't
have enough time, and itactually is a limiting belief,
although it doesn't necessarilyfeel like one, because there is
literally only 24 hours in theday and we sleep this percentage
of time and we work thispercentage of time, or whatever.
(03:13):
But making certain thingspriorities is like a choice we
have, Whether we put thatparticular activity, which is,
of course, very healthy for us,above something else, like I
(03:34):
don't know.
I'm going to make it up.
I'm not blaming anybody oraccusing anybody, but maybe do I
scroll on my computer or myphone like an hour a day?
If I do, I know I have time towork out.
It doesn't even take an hour,depending on what you do.
But it's a choice, becausemaybe that's my quiet time or my
(03:55):
personal time or something Ireally really love doing, right,
my personal time, or somethingI really really love doing Right
.
So how do we balance that out?
How do we put self-care intopractice when we're challenged
with those kinds of thoughtsLike which one's more important,
if you will, or which one's thepriority when we want all of it
(04:15):
.
You know and I guess I'm tryingto get to something like I
remember growing up If, ifsomeone was taking a nap, oh,
everybody was talking bad abouthim.
Yeah, oh, yeah, you didn't.
You don't get to take a nap.
(04:36):
Who do you think you are?
We've got work to do.
Like no kidding, yeah, it was.
It was not good.
Um, if, if you bought stuff foryourself, it was okay If you
got it from like the five anddime you know kind of thing.
But if you went up, step up andyou bought something that was
really nice, unless you had avery specific reason, then there
(04:56):
was an attitude that came outof it, um, um, it's almost as if
somebody else was.
Maybe there was a jealousy.
Or if we all hold ourselvesdown and not allow anybody to
step forward, then we won't haveto feel uncomfortable or
(05:19):
embarrassed that we don't knowhow to do that too.
And this is all mindset thatcomes from, at least for me, it
was family, that in the familythat I grew up in.
But it was just.
It's interesting that at somepoint I moved away from the
family to another state and Istarted seeing things
differently and recognizing thatI wasn't hearing those things
(05:42):
all the time and I did take anap and the world didn't crumble
, you know, and it was it wasnice.
Deborah (05:52):
One of the, yeah, like one of the things that and I
love that you know after youmoved away, then you could get
away from those messages.
You know, because when they say, oh yeah, you can get it from
the, you know from the dollarstore, but you can't get it from
the, you know the boutique orwhatever, you know what they
were telling you.
(06:12):
You know what.
You're not worth it Exactly.
You're not worth that boutiquething and you getting away from
that mindset and and coming backto you and choosing you and
allowing yourself to connectwith your own self-love and
self-care, then you're sayingyou know what?
Okay, you know those craziesover there.
(06:34):
I'm not saying your family'scrazy.
Debbie (06:37):
They're crazy.
Deborah (06:38):
It's crazy in a way that's uncomfortable, kind of
crazy, yeah, you know thosepeople over there, you know, are
telling me that I'm not worthit.
Guess what I am telling me, andI am going to create my
self-care and my mindfulness andself-love practices because I'm
telling me I am worth every bitof it and so I can make those
(07:03):
choices that support that newbelief that I put into myself to
carry me through all of thisstuff.
Debbie (07:11):
Right, it brings up two words for me permission and
validation.
For whatever reason you knowthe crazy family that I grew up
in it was there was a sense ofneeding their permission in
order to move forward onsomething, or else I'd be talked
(07:32):
bad about and for whateverreason that drove my life Like I
was really terrified.
I don't even know if that's theright word, but I felt like I'd
be rejected or I wouldn'tbelong if I didn't do what they
wanted.
And the other one, that was thepermission one, but the
(07:52):
validation.
I didn't know how to givemyself validation or permission
in this case.
And so, because I didn't knowhow to take care of myself when
I didn't know how to love myself, I didn't know how to give
myself permission or validation,and that meant other people had
control.
(08:12):
That.
I so yeah.
Deborah (08:18):
And you know.
The thing about that is youknow, one of the things that I
always say to my clients is youknow what it's baby steps?
You know you don't move awayfrom the situation.
Then all of a sudden you'relike here you know, I know it
all.
I'm just perfect in self-careand self-love.
(08:40):
I love myself.
Life is good.
It's a process and it's youknow it's.
It's allowing yourself the, thetime, the space, the the grace
to reframe those prior, you knowmindsets that allow you to
(09:02):
enter into that learning processand to give yourself the grace
to know that it is progress overprocess, you know or not,
progress over process, progressover perfection.
I'm never going to be perfect,but I know that each decision
that I make moves me closer toperfection.
(09:25):
And then you know, and then theymove the carrot out a little
bit more, but still you'reyou're, you're going a little
bit further into it and justhaving that awareness, that um,
that you're worth it, you knoweven if it's that that progress
is an inch, you're worth it andjust celebrate those, those,
those, those, those wins as well.
(09:46):
Yeah, there's a saying practicemakes I'm not going to say
perfect, because I know darnwell that there is no perfection
.
Practice makes more practice.
Debbie (10:04):
I said practice makes perfect.
For years and years and years.
And I was talking to a friendat one night and I said
something about practice makesperfect.
She goes, we like to saypractice makes progress.
Deborah (10:15):
Oh yeah.
Debbie (10:16):
I love that.
Yeah, that's doable.
Practice makes progress isdoable.
We can progress little bylittle, by little and move
ourselves forward withoutfeeling like I'm not there yet.
Right To me, the perfect partthe word practice makes perfect.
It's like I've been practicingfor 20 years and I'm not there
(10:38):
yet.
But we don't ever have to beperfect, that's a misnomer.
That's a misnomer.
We just have to take where weare and like if we've been
practicing something different.
For you know, like you'resaying, it's a process, it takes
time, no matter what it is.
But if we continue to practiceloving ourselves, caring for
(11:01):
ourselves, when something doeshappen and we see that we're we
didn't care for ourselves orlove ourselves, that's our
opportunity to take a moment andsay, huh, I wonder what I could
do next time a similarsituation comes up, so that I do
like a better job of caring orloving for myself, like a better
(11:26):
job of caring or loving formyself.
That's a progress because it'shelping us move closer and
closer toward what it is wereally want, and I think most of
us would want to love and carefor ourselves.
And I just find it interestingthat um and we, so many of us,
grew up where it was likeself-care was discouraged and
(11:50):
self-love was selfish.
And I look at them now and I'mlike no, self-care is critical
and self-love is something weneed more of.
I personally believe and thenI'll shut up I personally
believe that if every person onthis planet loved themselves
(12:12):
more and practice it andprogressed with it right, that
there would be so much lessstrife in this world.
Deborah (12:22):
I mean I totally agree.
I mean I'm and, Debbie, youwere telling me a story earlier
about a woman that you ranacross in a store and and, and I
think that's just a perfectexample to how, you know, that
mindset carries us through.
And, you know, maybe all of usdidn't get it when we were young
(12:46):
, but we can get it.
Debbie (12:49):
Yeah, absolutely, Did I tell it on this podcast?
No, oh, okay, We'll be offthere for a second, I don't
remember.
But basically what I had saidwas there was.
I went to this little shop theother day and I saw this young
lady.
She's early mid-twenties andshe had like a little pixie
(13:10):
haircut and it was like a lightblue, and then she had this
outfit on, where she had like alittle black mini skirt and a
black top and black stockingsand black boots and she's all
all this jewelry all over her,you know, and her hands and her
wrists and her ears, and she wasadorable and and so I told her,
I said like look how you'remade up, put together.
(13:30):
I was like you are absolutelyadorable.
And she was super friendly andvery kind hearted and was
helpful, without being in myface conversation, and it turned
out that she grew up in afamily that helped her feel
comfortable expressing herselfand being who she wanted to be,
(13:55):
without inserting, impressingwhatever the right word is the
parents' views on her.
So she had that freedom to dowhat felt right for her but also
receive their support.
And I mean that's like thetotal opposite of what how I
remember being raised it was.
You know we've got all thisstuff to do and you've got to be
(14:17):
part of it.
If you're not, you're bad andwrong, and you know it was.
It was a very, um uh, limited,restrictive way to live, Because
if I didn't fall into line,there was the fear of being
rejected, abandoned, all thoseuncomfortable sensations, and
(14:39):
you know it was that really hardthing to like, you know, stay
in a place where I actuallydidn't feel comfortable staying
in, mentally right, Like Ididn't like that.
So to hear this young lady talkabout it, and to get back what
you were saying, to hear thisyoung lady talk about you know
I'm able to be this free, likeinside and out, because I had
(15:02):
such support from the peoplethat raised me.
I was like wow, and you weresaying how that was the good
example.
Deborah (15:10):
So, yeah, yeah, I love that example because, you know,
not all of us have had that,that that wonderful parenting
right or that wonderful um, Idon't know system that you grew
up in.
I don't know system that yougrew up in.
You know, I had a great one.
I had a very balanced childhood.
(15:32):
We worked really hard but weplayed really hard and we were
really encouraged to take careof ourselves, whether it's
financially, whether my dadtaught us I know this is way
back a hundred years ago, butwhen we got cars, my dad taught
us I know this is way back ahundred years ago, but when we
got cars, my dad taught us tochange tires and change the oil
and do all of that stuff.
(15:53):
Those were ways that he wasteaching us to take care of
ourselves and that we were worthknowing how to do those things.
So I know a lot of my clientsare are stuck with their self
care because they're saying,well, I didn't get this back
here, but you can get it now.
(16:15):
You can take those little stepswith mindset affirmations, with
you know different mindfulnesspractices.
You can give that to yourself,you know.
Debbie (16:30):
Yeah, so let's let me share a couple examples of how
we can maybe change thingsaround.
For somebody that says my valuecomes from what I do for others
right, we have that feelingthat we need to take care of
everything and everybody elsebefore we can take care of
ourselves.
What if a reframe for thatmight be my value comes from who
(16:55):
I am, not what I produce.
That doesn't mean don't help ortake care of other people, but
it means that the taking care ofor doing for you know what
other people can do forthemselves.
I'm certainly not talking aboutan invalid or a baby or whatever
, but um, that that when we canturn the the, I'm only valuable
(17:18):
because I do those things?
And turn it back on ourselves.
It's like I'm valued because ofwho I am as a person, right?
Another one that might say youknow, I don't have time for
self-care.
And if we really look at, well,what is self-care?
You know, self-care isn'tnecessarily mani-pedis, a
(17:40):
massage, something that, whereyou leave the house and there's
nothing wrong with those.
Those are great.
If you have time and money todo them, go for it.
But for those who say I don'thave time for self care, like to
go in my room and read for alittle while or maybe meditate
without being interrupted,whatever, it's like, if we think
(18:01):
about it from a differentperspective, that caring for
myself gives me more energy andtime for what matters.
Right, right, seeing like oh,when I take care of myself, I'm
not trying to function from ahalf full cup.
I have filled my cup up and nowI have more for other people,
and I think it's more patience,more kindness.
(18:26):
Otherwise, we're reallyliterally depriving ourselves of
what we're giving to everybodyelse.
Deborah (18:34):
Exactly.
So, they're exactly.
And I just look too, you know,like, just like we have on
several episodes, we'll come upwith a, with some journal
prompts for you and someadditional affirmations that you
can look at.
But some of the things that Ilike to just some quick mind
(18:57):
shift, you know, shifts tounlock that for you is, you know
, just some quick things likestop saying I should or and say
I choose.
Debbie (19:09):
Oh, yes, big one, yes, you know, and go ahead and well.
And another one is, um, youknow, thinking about and paying
attention to seeing when somebelief comes up, where you're
telling yourself like, oh, Ican't go, do that because you
know, just like you're saying Ishouldn't, but you can, and then
(19:32):
choose whether you want to ornot.
Right, right, right.
So maybe this week it's justone question, or maybe two
questions that people can askthemselves, and it may be it's
every time you have hesitate,give yourself self-care or
self-love, to maybe ask yourselftwo questions Whose voice is
(19:53):
this Right?
Cause sometimes that's somebodyelse's voice and not our own
Right.
And another one is if it is my,my voice, is this something that
I was taught to believe?
So if we're taking a look atwhose voice it is right, then we
get to make some determinations, like do I like what I'm
(20:15):
hearing?
Does it still work for me, oris there something else that I
would prefer to be doing?
Because we also have the rightto change our minds.
Exactly, we have a right toshift to a new space, because
we're never in the same placeforever.
We're just not.
Deborah (20:34):
Yeah, in the same place forever.
We're just not, yeah.
And the other thing I wouldlike to to to add to that is you
know, I would invite you tothink about, um, just one
self-care practice that you'vegiven yourself the permission to
evolve instead of perfect.
(20:55):
I love that, you know.
So right now I'm looking atPilates, Okay.
Debbie (21:07):
I wish y'all could see Deborah's face.
Deborah (21:10):
Oh, my God, you know I mean tore my butt up but, I
think it's going to be a reallygood thing for me, okay, so I am
going to invite myself to nothave to go in there and be the
you know, superhero, pilates,whatever, do all the poses
perfectly.
(21:30):
I am going to give myselfpermission to take it one step
at a time, and so those littlethings like that.
Am I going to walk six milesnext week?
No, but I may walk for 15minutes after dinner.
So I would ask you to thinkabout something that you can
(21:52):
give yourself permission just tostart and to just take baby
steps towards, or take stepstowards, what your goal is,
because by doing that, then youare also caring for yourself, by
not making it something thathas to be painful, but it can be
something like where you'reenjoying the journey you know, I
(22:16):
remember like there was a timewhen I used to take a lot of
like Zumba and whatever classeswhere there was music and you
did all these things.
Debbie (22:24):
It was great.
I was always in the front rowbecause I loved it.
I wanted to see every move andparticipate and over time I'm
not a big gym person but youknow, over time, here and there
I would like go to the gym forone reason or another.
And I remember, oh, it wasprobably about seven or eight
years ago the last time I wentto a gym because I don't like
(22:45):
doing that.
I have other things I do, butto go to the gym for some reason
.
Anyway, this particular gym hada dance thing that was going on
and I was like, oh, I'm going tojoin that because I used to
(23:06):
love them so much.
And I remember like I didn'tknow the dance process, the
steps and stuff.
So I went to the front of theroom like I normally did, and I
was like not a good place for me, because not only did I not
know the steps, I, I was older,it was like when we would turn,
my knees were hurting and it waslike I was like not moving as
quick as I was, and you know itwas really hard.
It was hard in the moment, butat that time I kept going back,
(23:30):
but I went more to the back ofthe room.
But it was also a loving andcaring thing that I was doing
for myself to keep going back,because I was getting stronger
and I was using muscles in mybody I just hadn't used in a
really long time and pretty soonI was in the middle, you know,
(23:51):
and then not too long after that, maybe a few months later, then
I was kind of back up to thefront again.
So it was like I was reallyproud of myself.
I was just glad that I didn'tquit because I wasn't as spry,
agile as I had been earlier.
So, yeah, it's just amazing.
So are we like?
(24:17):
Okay, let me let me say this um, I would like to wrap up with
saying that self-love isn'tselfish, it's actually sacred
and you don't have to earn itbecause you already deserve it.
Simply I believe because youexist.
Simply I believe because youexist.
Deborah (24:38):
So, and I want to also add to that, so remember sheroes
, remember sheroes.
Self-care isn't just somethingto do.
It's who you become when youhonor your worth, your mindset,
your self-care, your love,self-love.
(24:58):
They're all partners.
You nurture one and the otherone blossoms.
So with that, I am going toinvite you, as always, to love
and care for the Shero in you.
Bye, bye everybody.
so today we're going to be talking about self-love and
self-care.
You know, so many of us havebeen conditioned to put other,
other people first, right to thepoint where, um, we're told
self-love or self-care isselfish.
But I believe caring foryourself is not a luxury, but
(00:40):
it's a right.
And today we're going to betalking about mindset and how
the beliefs we carry often areinherited from our families,
culture, society, and they canmake us hesitate to love and
care for ourselves fully.
Now, before we go any further,if you like our content, please
(01:01):
subscribe to the Shero Cafe.
Not only do we appreciate youvery much, but it goes a long
way to help support our missionto change the world by first
starting to love and care forourselves.
Now let's go ahead and get intoit.
Deborah (01:18):
Wow, Debbie, I love this topic and what comes to
mind to me is how important andhow your mindset, wherever it
comes from.
I mean, we all have past, weall have limiting beliefs, we
have things that inform us rightnow, but whatever the state of
(01:39):
your mindset is kind ofdetermines how we think about
ourselves, and how we thinkabout ourselves determines
whether we think self-care isoptional, indulgent or necessary
.
And the stories that we tellourselves about what we deserve,
(01:59):
our inner narratives, help orhinder our commitment to
self-care.
So, for example, I'm trying toreshape my exercise routine and
I truly believe that I deserveit right, I really deserve it,
and one of the things that Ikeep telling myself is that I
(02:21):
don't have time you know, or I.
you know I, but I know I'm worththe time, so I'm going to make
it happen.
And just knowing that andhaving that awareness that I am
worthy enough for it to be apriority for me helps inform me
(02:45):
on what my next steps are in myself-care journey.
Debbie (02:51):
It is so interesting how being like I guess you could
say becoming aware of, like yousaid, use the statement I don't
have enough time, and itactually is a limiting belief,
although it doesn't necessarilyfeel like one, because there is
literally only 24 hours in theday and we sleep this percentage
of time and we work thispercentage of time, or whatever.
(03:13):
But making certain thingspriorities is like a choice we
have, Whether we put thatparticular activity, which is,
of course, very healthy for us,above something else, like I
(03:34):
don't know.
I'm going to make it up.
I'm not blaming anybody oraccusing anybody, but maybe do I
scroll on my computer or myphone like an hour a day?
If I do, I know I have time towork out.
It doesn't even take an hour,depending on what you do.
But it's a choice, becausemaybe that's my quiet time or my
(03:55):
personal time or something Ireally really love doing, right,
my personal time, or somethingI really really love doing Right
.
So how do we balance that out?
How do we put self-care intopractice when we're challenged
with those kinds of thoughtsLike which one's more important,
if you will, or which one's thepriority when we want all of it
(04:15):
.
You know and I guess I'm tryingto get to something like I
remember growing up If, ifsomeone was taking a nap, oh,
everybody was talking bad abouthim.
Yeah, oh, yeah, you didn't.
You don't get to take a nap.
(04:36):
Who do you think you are?
We've got work to do.
Like no kidding, yeah, it was.
It was not good.
Um, if, if you bought stuff foryourself, it was okay If you
got it from like the five anddime you know kind of thing.
But if you went up, step up andyou bought something that was
really nice, unless you had avery specific reason, then there
(04:56):
was an attitude that came outof it, um, um, it's almost as if
somebody else was.
Maybe there was a jealousy.
Or if we all hold ourselvesdown and not allow anybody to
step forward, then we won't haveto feel uncomfortable or
(05:19):
embarrassed that we don't knowhow to do that too.
And this is all mindset thatcomes from, at least for me, it
was family, that in the familythat I grew up in.
But it was just.
It's interesting that at somepoint I moved away from the
family to another state and Istarted seeing things
differently and recognizing thatI wasn't hearing those things
(05:42):
all the time and I did take anap and the world didn't crumble
, you know, and it was it wasnice.
Deborah (05:52):
One of the, yeah, like one of the things that and I
love that you know after youmoved away, then you could get
away from those messages.
You know, because when they say, oh yeah, you can get it from
the, you know from the dollarstore, but you can't get it from
the, you know the boutique orwhatever, you know what they
were telling you.
(06:12):
You know what.
You're not worth it Exactly.
You're not worth that boutiquething and you getting away from
that mindset and and coming backto you and choosing you and
allowing yourself to connectwith your own self-love and
self-care, then you're sayingyou know what?
Okay, you know those craziesover there.
(06:34):
I'm not saying your family'scrazy.
Debbie (06:37):
They're crazy.
Deborah (06:38):
It's crazy in a way that's uncomfortable, kind of
crazy, yeah, you know thosepeople over there, you know, are
telling me that I'm not worthit.
Guess what I am telling me, andI am going to create my
self-care and my mindfulness andself-love practices because I'm
telling me I am worth every bitof it and so I can make those
(07:03):
choices that support that newbelief that I put into myself to
carry me through all of thisstuff.
Debbie (07:11):
Right, it brings up two words for me permission and
validation.
For whatever reason you knowthe crazy family that I grew up
in it was there was a sense ofneeding their permission in
order to move forward onsomething, or else I'd be talked
(07:32):
bad about and for whateverreason that drove my life Like I
was really terrified.
I don't even know if that's theright word, but I felt like I'd
be rejected or I wouldn'tbelong if I didn't do what they
wanted.
And the other one, that was thepermission one, but the
(07:52):
validation.
I didn't know how to givemyself validation or permission
in this case.
And so, because I didn't knowhow to take care of myself when
I didn't know how to love myself, I didn't know how to give
myself permission or validation,and that meant other people had
control.
(08:12):
That.
I so yeah.
Deborah (08:18):
And you know.
The thing about that is youknow, one of the things that I
always say to my clients is youknow what it's baby steps?
You know you don't move awayfrom the situation.
Then all of a sudden you'relike here you know, I know it
all.
I'm just perfect in self-careand self-love.
(08:40):
I love myself.
Life is good.
It's a process and it's youknow it's.
It's allowing yourself the, thetime, the space, the the grace
to reframe those prior, you knowmindsets that allow you to
(09:02):
enter into that learning processand to give yourself the grace
to know that it is progress overprocess, you know or not,
progress over process, progressover perfection.
I'm never going to be perfect,but I know that each decision
that I make moves me closer toperfection.
(09:25):
And then you know, and then theymove the carrot out a little
bit more, but still you'reyou're, you're going a little
bit further into it and justhaving that awareness, that um,
that you're worth it, you knoweven if it's that that progress
is an inch, you're worth it andjust celebrate those, those,
those, those, those wins as well.
(09:46):
Yeah, there's a saying practicemakes I'm not going to say
perfect, because I know darnwell that there is no perfection
.
Practice makes more practice.
Debbie (10:04):
I said practice makes perfect.
For years and years and years.
And I was talking to a friendat one night and I said
something about practice makesperfect.
She goes, we like to saypractice makes progress.
Deborah (10:15):
Oh yeah.
Debbie (10:16):
I love that.
Yeah, that's doable.
Practice makes progress isdoable.
We can progress little bylittle, by little and move
ourselves forward withoutfeeling like I'm not there yet.
Right To me, the perfect partthe word practice makes perfect.
It's like I've been practicingfor 20 years and I'm not there
(10:38):
yet.
But we don't ever have to beperfect, that's a misnomer.
That's a misnomer.
We just have to take where weare and like if we've been
practicing something different.
For you know, like you'resaying, it's a process, it takes
time, no matter what it is.
But if we continue to practiceloving ourselves, caring for
(11:01):
ourselves, when something doeshappen and we see that we're we
didn't care for ourselves orlove ourselves, that's our
opportunity to take a moment andsay, huh, I wonder what I could
do next time a similarsituation comes up, so that I do
like a better job of caring orloving for myself, like a better
(11:26):
job of caring or loving formyself.
That's a progress because it'shelping us move closer and
closer toward what it is wereally want, and I think most of
us would want to love and carefor ourselves.
And I just find it interestingthat um and we, so many of us,
grew up where it was likeself-care was discouraged and
(11:50):
self-love was selfish.
And I look at them now and I'mlike no, self-care is critical
and self-love is something weneed more of.
I personally believe and thenI'll shut up I personally
believe that if every person onthis planet loved themselves
(12:12):
more and practice it andprogressed with it right, that
there would be so much lessstrife in this world.
Deborah (12:22):
I mean I totally agree.
I mean I'm and, Debbie, youwere telling me a story earlier
about a woman that you ranacross in a store and and, and I
think that's just a perfectexample to how, you know, that
mindset carries us through.
And, you know, maybe all of usdidn't get it when we were young
(12:46):
, but we can get it.
Debbie (12:49):
Yeah, absolutely, Did I tell it on this podcast?
No, oh, okay, We'll be offthere for a second, I don't
remember.
But basically what I had saidwas there was.
I went to this little shop theother day and I saw this young
lady.
She's early mid-twenties andshe had like a little pixie
(13:10):
haircut and it was like a lightblue, and then she had this
outfit on, where she had like alittle black mini skirt and a
black top and black stockingsand black boots and she's all
all this jewelry all over her,you know, and her hands and her
wrists and her ears, and she wasadorable and and so I told her,
I said like look how you'remade up, put together.
(13:30):
I was like you are absolutelyadorable.
And she was super friendly andvery kind hearted and was
helpful, without being in myface conversation, and it turned
out that she grew up in afamily that helped her feel
comfortable expressing herselfand being who she wanted to be,
(13:55):
without inserting, impressingwhatever the right word is the
parents' views on her.
So she had that freedom to dowhat felt right for her but also
receive their support.
And I mean that's like thetotal opposite of what how I
remember being raised it was.
You know we've got all thisstuff to do and you've got to be
(14:17):
part of it.
If you're not, you're bad andwrong, and you know it was.
It was a very, um uh, limited,restrictive way to live, Because
if I didn't fall into line,there was the fear of being
rejected, abandoned, all thoseuncomfortable sensations, and
(14:39):
you know it was that really hardthing to like, you know, stay
in a place where I actuallydidn't feel comfortable staying
in, mentally right, Like Ididn't like that.
So to hear this young lady talkabout it, and to get back what
you were saying, to hear thisyoung lady talk about you know
I'm able to be this free, likeinside and out, because I had
(15:02):
such support from the peoplethat raised me.
I was like wow, and you weresaying how that was the good
example.
Deborah (15:10):
So, yeah, yeah, I love that example because, you know,
not all of us have had that,that that wonderful parenting
right or that wonderful um, Idon't know system that you grew
up in.
I don't know system that yougrew up in.
You know, I had a great one.
I had a very balanced childhood.
(15:32):
We worked really hard but weplayed really hard and we were
really encouraged to take careof ourselves, whether it's
financially, whether my dadtaught us I know this is way
back a hundred years ago, butwhen we got cars, my dad taught
us I know this is way back ahundred years ago, but when we
got cars, my dad taught us tochange tires and change the oil
and do all of that stuff.
(15:53):
Those were ways that he wasteaching us to take care of
ourselves and that we were worthknowing how to do those things.
So I know a lot of my clientsare are stuck with their self
care because they're saying,well, I didn't get this back
here, but you can get it now.
(16:15):
You can take those little stepswith mindset affirmations, with
you know different mindfulnesspractices.
You can give that to yourself,you know.
Debbie (16:30):
Yeah, so let's let me share a couple examples of how
we can maybe change thingsaround.
For somebody that says my valuecomes from what I do for others
right, we have that feelingthat we need to take care of
everything and everybody elsebefore we can take care of
ourselves.
What if a reframe for thatmight be my value comes from who
(16:55):
I am, not what I produce.
That doesn't mean don't help ortake care of other people, but
it means that the taking care ofor doing for you know what
other people can do forthemselves.
I'm certainly not talking aboutan invalid or a baby or whatever
, but um, that that when we canturn the the, I'm only valuable
(17:18):
because I do those things?
And turn it back on ourselves.
It's like I'm valued because ofwho I am as a person, right?
Another one that might say youknow, I don't have time for
self-care.
And if we really look at, well,what is self-care?
You know, self-care isn'tnecessarily mani-pedis, a
(17:40):
massage, something that, whereyou leave the house and there's
nothing wrong with those.
Those are great.
If you have time and money todo them, go for it.
But for those who say I don'thave time for self care, like to
go in my room and read for alittle while or maybe meditate
without being interrupted,whatever, it's like, if we think
(18:01):
about it from a differentperspective, that caring for
myself gives me more energy andtime for what matters.
Right, right, seeing like oh,when I take care of myself, I'm
not trying to function from ahalf full cup.
I have filled my cup up and nowI have more for other people,
and I think it's more patience,more kindness.
(18:26):
Otherwise, we're reallyliterally depriving ourselves of
what we're giving to everybodyelse.
Deborah (18:34):
Exactly.
So, they're exactly.
And I just look too, you know,like, just like we have on
several episodes, we'll come upwith a, with some journal
prompts for you and someadditional affirmations that you
can look at.
But some of the things that Ilike to just some quick mind
(18:57):
shift, you know, shifts tounlock that for you is, you know
, just some quick things likestop saying I should or and say
I choose.
Debbie (19:09):
Oh, yes, big one, yes, you know, and go ahead and well.
And another one is, um, youknow, thinking about and paying
attention to seeing when somebelief comes up, where you're
telling yourself like, oh, Ican't go, do that because you
know, just like you're saying Ishouldn't, but you can, and then
(19:32):
choose whether you want to ornot.
Right, right, right.
So maybe this week it's justone question, or maybe two
questions that people can askthemselves, and it may be it's
every time you have hesitate,give yourself self-care or
self-love, to maybe ask yourselftwo questions Whose voice is
(19:53):
this Right?
Cause sometimes that's somebodyelse's voice and not our own
Right.
And another one is if it is my,my voice, is this something that
I was taught to believe?
So if we're taking a look atwhose voice it is right, then we
get to make some determinations, like do I like what I'm
(20:15):
hearing?
Does it still work for me, oris there something else that I
would prefer to be doing?
Because we also have the rightto change our minds.
Exactly, we have a right toshift to a new space, because
we're never in the same placeforever.
We're just not.
Deborah (20:34):
Yeah, in the same place forever.
We're just not, yeah.
And the other thing I wouldlike to to to add to that is you
know, I would invite you tothink about, um, just one
self-care practice that you'vegiven yourself the permission to
evolve instead of perfect.
(20:55):
I love that, you know.
So right now I'm looking atPilates, Okay.
Debbie (21:07):
I wish y'all could see Deborah's face.
Deborah (21:10):
Oh, my God, you know I mean tore my butt up but, I
think it's going to be a reallygood thing for me, okay, so I am
going to invite myself to nothave to go in there and be the
you know, superhero, pilates,whatever, do all the poses
perfectly.
(21:30):
I am going to give myselfpermission to take it one step
at a time, and so those littlethings like that.
Am I going to walk six milesnext week?
No, but I may walk for 15minutes after dinner.
So I would ask you to thinkabout something that you can
(21:52):
give yourself permission just tostart and to just take baby
steps towards, or take stepstowards, what your goal is,
because by doing that, then youare also caring for yourself, by
not making it something thathas to be painful, but it can be
something like where you'reenjoying the journey you know, I
(22:16):
remember like there was a timewhen I used to take a lot of
like Zumba and whatever classeswhere there was music and you
did all these things.
Debbie (22:24):
It was great.
I was always in the front rowbecause I loved it.
I wanted to see every move andparticipate and over time I'm
not a big gym person but youknow, over time, here and there
I would like go to the gym forone reason or another.
And I remember, oh, it wasprobably about seven or eight
years ago the last time I wentto a gym because I don't like
(22:45):
doing that.
I have other things I do, butto go to the gym for some reason
.
Anyway, this particular gym hada dance thing that was going on
and I was like, oh, I'm going tojoin that because I used to
(23:06):
love them so much.
And I remember like I didn'tknow the dance process, the
steps and stuff.
So I went to the front of theroom like I normally did, and I
was like not a good place for me, because not only did I not
know the steps, I, I was older,it was like when we would turn,
my knees were hurting and it waslike I was like not moving as
quick as I was, and you know itwas really hard.
It was hard in the moment, butat that time I kept going back,
(23:30):
but I went more to the back ofthe room.
But it was also a loving andcaring thing that I was doing
for myself to keep going back,because I was getting stronger
and I was using muscles in mybody I just hadn't used in a
really long time and pretty soonI was in the middle, you know,
(23:51):
and then not too long after that, maybe a few months later, then
I was kind of back up to thefront again.
So it was like I was reallyproud of myself.
I was just glad that I didn'tquit because I wasn't as spry,
agile as I had been earlier.
So, yeah, it's just amazing.
So are we like?
(24:17):
Okay, let me let me say this um, I would like to wrap up with
saying that self-love isn'tselfish, it's actually sacred
and you don't have to earn itbecause you already deserve it.
Simply I believe because youexist.
Simply I believe because youexist.
Deborah (24:38):
So, and I want to also add to that, so remember sheroes
, remember sheroes.
Self-care isn't just somethingto do.
It's who you become when youhonor your worth, your mindset,
your self-care, your love,self-love.
(24:58):
They're all partners.
You nurture one and the otherone blossoms.
So with that, I am going toinvite you, as always, to love
and care for the Shero in you.
Bye, bye everybody.
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