July 17, 2024 • 36 mins
In this episode, I chat with Dayna Abraham, founder of Calm the Chaos Parenting, about the all-too-real struggle of mom burnout. Dayna shares her personal journey from being a teacher to a mom dealing with her own child's challenges in school, which led her to start documenting her experiences online. We dive into what mom burnout really looks like, how it affects both parents and kids, and some practical ways to manage it.
Dayna offers some great insights on creating sustainable self-care practices, the importance of being open with your kids about your struggles, and how to work with your partner to lighten the load. We talk about outsourcing tasks when possible, simplifying routines, and giving ourselves permission to let some things go.
One of my favorite takeaways is Dayna's "parking lot" concept for worries - a way to acknowledge our concerns without letting them consume us daily. Whether you're in the thick of burnout or just feeling the pressure of mom life, this conversation is full of relatable moments and actionable advice to help you find some calm in the chaos.
Hope you enjoyed this episode!
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Jessica & Samantha
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
And this is a great way to just build up sustainable
habits, one minute at a time,and there's five different ones
that you can add, so you canbuild up to a five-minute daily
practice.
And it doesn't have to be yourmorning routine, it doesn't have
to be your evening wind down,it can literally be spread
throughout your day.
And so the first way is withour things we take care of in
(00:21):
our head.
So we've got to take care ofour thoughts and we've got to
take care of the stress thatwe're managing and we, let's be
honest, try to take on too much.
We try to do it all, and Ialways tell people if you try to
do it all, you're going to donothing.
Well, so it's better if we canlet things go.
But that's so hard.
(00:42):
That concept alone is soincredibly hard, especially for
women who are so used to doingit all.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Hi everyone, and welcome to a brand new episode
of she's Got it Together.
I'm your host, jessica.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
And I'm Samantha.
Each week we peel back thecurtain on what it really looks
like to have it together.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
From the messy moments to the milestones we're
here to share it all.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
So grab your favorite drink, get comfy and let's dive
into today's topic.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Are you stuck in a sea of chaos, completely
overwhelmed and exhausted?
Well, I have Dana Abraham heretoday and she is going to help
us navigate these challenges.
Welcome, dana, I'm so excitedto have you here today.
We are going to be talkingabout mom burnout and, before we
get started, I'd really like tohave you just kind of introduce
(01:37):
yourself to the audience, givea little background, just so
that you know how they knowyou're the expert in this
particular topic.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Yeah, so hi everyone.
I am Dana Abraham.
I'm the founder of Calm theChaos Parenting and I originally
started out as a blog LemonLime Adventures, when I was in
the throes of burnout.
I feel like nothing likestarting a blog, having a baby
and homeschooling all your kidsto really just like celebrate
burnout Do it all, do it all, doit all.
(02:06):
Yeah, so what really hadhappened is, you know, I like to
say I was kind of born intochaos, grew up in chaos and then
, when I became a teacher, myfavorite kids were the kids that
came with a paper trail behindthem, the ones that all the
other teachers had pretty muchalready dismissed.
The kids knew it, they walkedinto the class, they already
(02:27):
knew and I taught preschool.
Then I had my own kids and whenI had my first kid I thought I
was going to be the world's bestmom because I had this
education background, because Ihad grown up and overcome so
many hard things growing up.
I thought I've got this.
Someone's going to show up atmy doorstep with balloons and a
parade and a sign that saysWorld's Best Mom.
(02:48):
I thought I was going to winthe prize.
That did not happen.
The farthest thing thathappened, my oldest son was
kicked out of his firstpreschool.
I was the one that was.
Every time I showed up atkindergarten, the teacher would
say we need to have a talk.
And then first grade he wasgetting like sent home early and
(03:13):
by second grade he wassuspended more days than he was
actually in school.
Yeah, things were gettingreally rough.
And so there came a momentwhere he had had another
meltdown at school.
The teacher or the principalcalled you need to get here.
I was nine months pregnant anddrove 45 minutes to the school,
walked in and they had everyonein line waiting for me,
including the police.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Oh boy.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
So they marched me into past my son and into the
principal's office and in thatroom the principal sat me down
and said you have two choicesyou can let this officer take
your son into custody or you cantake him home and don't bring
him back till you figure outwhat's wrong with him.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Oh my gosh, that's horrible.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Yeah, it was pretty rough for me, for my son, and we
just, you know, we went throughkind of all the things that you
do.
We got an IEP, we did all thethings, but then it was just so
evident that he wasn't going toget his needs met in that school
and he didn't fit in atraditional school setting.
And so I quit my job and I hadthe privilege to be able to do
(04:16):
that but I quit my job, I stayedhome with him and I was just
determined to help him.
One, not hate himself for notfitting in and two, not hate the
world for not understanding him.
And at that same time I lookedonline and everything was
picture perfect.
It was in like the heyday ofPinterest days.
This was 10 years ago, andeverything was perfect.
(04:39):
And you Googled homeschool andall of this and everything was
beautiful.
And I was like I don'tunderstand how I'm the only one
who has no idea what I'm doing.
And so I decided to start ablog just documenting the good
and the bad and the ugly.
And I started that and I thinkmy daughter was three months old
(05:01):
, my son was seven, and then Ihad another son who was five and
, yeah, just kind of jumped in,so talk about, you know, really
adding to the chaos myself as Iwas documenting and I definitely
went into massive burnout as Iwas working through that and
(05:23):
trying to help my son and, youknow, trying to just kind of
walk through things, and again,that was 10 years ago.
I've gone through differentversions of burnout throughout
the years, but more than that,I've helped parents online now.
Now I share what I do and whatI did with my son and in our
program we actually help parentswho are going through burnout
(05:44):
and don't realize they're goingthrough burnout or how to
recognize signs of burnout evenin their kids, because it's way
more prevalent than people talkabout.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
I'm sure, I'm sure, yeah, no, that's really
interesting because I actuallydid homeschool my two girls.
It was during COVID.
It was during COVID.
But when I just, you know, whenthey pulled them out of school
and everything else or close theschools, I discovered that my
youngest, with a time would havebeen in first grade, second
grade, first grade, she couldn't, she didn't know all her
(06:15):
letters, she couldn't readobviously that all these things
they've been pushing her along.
So it was kind of a blessing indisguise because I was able to
kind of bring home.
You know, we started her fromthe basics again and moved her
up, um, and I did homeschool herfor two years.
And my oldest, who at the timewould have been in seventh grade
, um, she was just the one yearshe really wanted to go back to
(06:38):
school, you know, to be with herfriends, and she did great
homeschooling, she was supereasy, you know she's, she was
older, she, homeschooling, shewas super easy, you know she's,
she was older, she was, she justdid well with that.
And my youngest, she did okay.
You know, it was a struggle,obviously, but I think that,
having the opportunity, becauseI didn't know anything about
homeschooling either, I mean itwas just okay.
(06:58):
You know, covid's here, I don'twant you to die, let's just
keep you home.
I don't want you to die, let'sjust keep you home.
So we just, you know, we justwent with it.
But yeah, I mean, fast forwardnow.
You know my youngest she's.
She's definitely never had anydiscipline issues.
She's very high strung she's.
(07:19):
She's ADHD, she's dyslexic,she's.
She has a lot of learningchallenges.
So the traditional schooldidn't work for her either.
So when we put her back inschool because I could only
homeschool so long, it was justthere's my mom burnout.
I was just like I can't,because I was still working.
I was still working at UltimateBundles and I was running
customer service and doing amillion other things.
But putting her back intoschool, we ended up putting her
(07:43):
into a Catholic school, which weare not Catholic, I'll just say
that.
But we did do this and it wasbecause of the class sizes and
the, you know, direct attentionshe was going to get, and she's
been there for two years now.
But we did.
You know, I mean that was ahuge hurdle that we overcame.
But yeah, I get where.
(08:03):
You know, you're saying thatyour son just didn't fit in that
traditional mold.
I mean, I don't know how theycan say that there is one.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Well, I've come to find that none of my kids do.
It's just taken longer for eachkid.
My 16-year-old just came hometo homeschool and I'm not
someone who loves homeschooling.
I'll just put that out there.
But my daughter is 10, the onethat was three months old at the
time.
So she's 10 now and she spentan entire year being model
student at school, except it washard to get her to school.
(08:35):
Her anxiety was so high.
Getting her to school wasreally hard, and then we fought
that tooth and nail with theschool, with her, for a while.
Then, finally, I just kind ofleaned into what we teach
parents around the world anyway,and so what we really realized
is the school environment was soincredibly stressful for her
(08:55):
and she was masking, which meanscovering up all of the pain,
all of the difficulties atschool, so they weren't seeing
it, all of the difficulties atschool, so they weren't seeing
it.
But it became really evidentwhen she broke her arm and she
sat in school for a whole dayand didn't tell anybody.
Oh my gosh, like it was so easyfor me in a meeting to then be
(09:16):
like you know, they're like oh,she raises her hand, she asks
questions.
I'm like does she ever askquestions when she has a problem
?
Does she ever ask questionswhen she doesn't understand?
And they're like now that youmention it, I was like did she
raise her hand and tell you thather arm didn't feel right, you
know, and they were like no, shedidn't.
I can't believe.
She sat there all day and itwas broken in two places and
(09:39):
needed surgery and that was.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
You almost think, though, though, that the
teachers, they're just not intune, because you can't tell me
that she didn't have somepainful expressions on her face
at any point, she wasn't.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
No, my daughter would mask in front of anyone and
then let go at home, and so manyof our kids are doing it.
I think it's a really goodvisual for what's happening with
so many of our kids at school.
And I know we weren't going totalk about school, but it leads
to burnout for parents as well,because we're pushing, pushing,
pushing our kids, we're pushingthe school and we're thinking we
(10:13):
must be doing something wrong.
And I just want you to knowthat that's not the case Anyone
listening if your kid'sstruggling, if you're struggling
, it's not because you're doingsomething wrong.
Like there are systems in placethat are not working for many
of us, especially after we wentthrough two years of COVID and
systems didn't change.
(10:33):
After that, like you said, yougot a huge insight into your kid
.
Well, nothing changed atschools because of the new
insights.
Nothing changed at schools whenwe realized that some kids
actually thrived at home doingtheir schoolwork, you know, and
some needed to be in a schoolsetting for some things but at
home for other things.
(10:54):
And we could have really adaptedthe school system.
But it's like I always tellpeople, it's like you know, when
you have a canoe, it's easy tosteer.
One person tells the otherperson hey, put your oar in the
water.
But when you are steering likea big ocean liner, it takes
hours to get it to changedirection.
And that's what's reallyhappening when we think about
(11:17):
the school system.
And it's not the fault ofteachers I was a teacher.
It's not the fault even ofadministrators.
It's a collective wholesystemic problem.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
Absolutely, it's one that I just don't think anyone
knows truly how to start to fix.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
No, and I think that even that the pressure, the
worries we think about, likeburnout being because we are
doing too much at home orbecause maybe we're dealing with
a sick kid or something likethat Really it is all these
pressures of the world expectingus, the moms, to kind of just
keep carrying on and keeppushing through and keep putting
(11:54):
on a pretty face and makingsure that our kids are still
going to church and going toschool and going to their school
events, and that our house isstill organized and clean and
we're still paying the bills ontime.
All those things are stillexpected of us.
But the world has changed a lotand I think we're becoming more
and more aware of all thethings, pressures and unspoken
(12:17):
demands that are being put onparents, especially moms.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
Yeah, no, that's very , very true.
All right, let's take a stepback really quick.
I want you to just kind ofexplain mom burnout as far as
like what it is specifically.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
You can cut that out, right?
Yeah, sorry, I'm getting oversomething, oh no good.
So when I think of mom burnout,I think of our sensory systems
and our body systems and ourbrain functions kind of shutting
down, like we have hit ourlimit.
And you know, we get told asparents especially moms that
(12:57):
we've got to fill our cup.
We've got to fill our cup, butmy daughter made me these little
I don't even know if you cansee them, they're so tiny.
These are little coffee mugs.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Yeah, those are adorable yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I can fill this cup all day long and it's not going
to do anything for me.
It's too tiny, it doesn't haveenough capacity to actually
sustain me.
And that's what mom burnout isis that you are past your
capacity and it's justoverflowing in all areas.
And the way that the brainworks, the way the body works,
is that when you are in stress,your executive functioning
(13:30):
skills go down, meaning yourability to remember, your
ability to organize, yourability to literally function in
everyday life, and then thatadds more stress and it becomes
this vicious cycle, adds morestress and it becomes this
vicious cycle.
So what happens is then momswill end up, and this can happen
(13:55):
to all humans.
This is just humans, psychologyand biology.
But what happens when we get tothat stress point is that our
sensory system gets on highalert.
It's kind of like having asunburn and then putting an
itchy sweater on top of it.
Like everything is just morebothersome the kid's talking,
the kid's laughing, the kid'sroughhousing, the noises outside
(14:16):
, the touching, the feeling, youknow.
Like all of that becomes somuch that our bodies can't
handle it and then we end upblowing and losing our cool and
then we think something's wrongwith us because we did it, when
it's really just your bodyletting off some of this steam
and trying to regulate in someway, even if it's not the most
(14:40):
accepted quote, unquote way tolet off that steam.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Yeah, definitely not a positive way, but it's just
got to come out, I mean.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
I actually would even reframe that Like I would say
that it's not seen as a positiveway, but I would say that it's
a neutral way, right?
If we?
I was steaming some vegetableslast night for dinner and at
some point the steam got to betoo much in the lid and the lid
started popping up and down andthen, like, just flew off the
top of the pot.
It's going to happen at somepoint when our body, our brain,
(15:15):
our sensory system, our nervoussystem can't hold all that we're
trying to hold.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Right, yeah, yeah, I mean, unless we can find a
bigger cup Right, yeah, yeah, Imean, unless we can find a
bigger cup, somehow it's goingto constantly overflow, like
that, yeah, so okay, how do weprevent this?
Like, what can we do to kind ofhelp alleviate, because I don't
think it's preventable, but Imean, how do we manage it?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
So I think some ways that we can is we have to
reframe the way that we look atour own taking care of ourself,
because for so long self-carehas been seen as we go take
bubble baths or we go away fromour kids.
But we need daily sustainablepractices that are going to help
our mindset, our mood, our bodyand even give our sensory
(16:02):
system a break.
Sorry, inside of my Calm theChaos book, I talk about the
five-minute energy plan, andthis is a great way to just
build up sustainable habits, oneminute at a time, and there's
five different ones that you canadd so you can build up to a
five-minute daily practice.
And it doesn't have to be yourmorning routine, it doesn't have
(16:25):
to be your evening wind down,it can literally be spread
throughout your day.
And so the first way is withour things we take care of in
our head.
So we've got to take care ofour thoughts and we've got to
take care of the stress thatwe're managing and we, let's be
honest, try to take on too much.
We try to do it all, and Ialways tell people, if you try
(16:46):
to do it all, you're going to donothing.
Well, so it's better if we canlet things go.
But that's so hard.
That concept alone is soincredibly hard, especially for
women who are so used to doingit all.
But we have to, you know, kindof get everything out of our
head and then choose, like I'monly going to do this one thing.
If all I did today was this onething, and that might be rest
(17:10):
today's a good day, and thenreally listening to our body
when we're doing that too andreally saying this is a priority
.
This is going to get me onestep closer to what's most
important to me and my familyright now.
The other thing is a dailypractice of something for our
mindset, and so that's why Isaid there's kind of two for
(17:31):
your head.
There's one to get the stuffout and get out of that
overwhelm that we're constantlyin, and the other one is for our
mindset, because things arecoming at us all day, every day,
and so it is easy to get suckedinto.
I'm the only one, nobody caresabout me, what does it matter,
(17:53):
what's the point?
And we start getting sucked inthese negative thought cycles.
So if, every day, we spent justone minute taking a big deep
breath and just anchoring, I amenough.
I am worthy.
I'm worthy of taking fiveminutes a day for myself.
Now my goal is that you cantake more than five minutes a
(18:13):
day for yourself, but I amworthy of this time.
I'm worthy of this energy andfinding something that really
works for you to focus on.
If you're in the throes of itand the thick of it, you might
be practicing something I callan anchor.
I talk more about that in mybook too, but this is something
that you're practicing ahead oftime what you're going to tell
(18:36):
yourself when your kids arefighting.
So, let's say, your siblingsalways fight and then you start
catastrophizing and thinkingthey're going to have the worst
relationship ever.
So in the morning, you canpicture that.
You can visualize that moment,that they're going to fight and
you're going to stop, take a bigdeep breath and then remind
yourself hmm, they're justhaving a hard time.
(18:58):
And that way, when it happenslater in the day, you are
prepped and ready to go.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
So that's one way yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Being prepared.
I think that that's I mean thatworks with everything.
Really, it's just prepared.
It's such a basic thing, butnobody does it.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Yes, and um.
And so there's lots of otherthings you can do in that little
five minute energy plan.
Even if it's just like textinga friend, um, if it's sending a
little voice message to youraunt or to your mom, whatever,
it is just something small toconnect with other people,
something that moves your body,something that takes care of
your body.
(19:33):
They can be really small things, but you just kind of hit on it
of being prepared, the morethat we can create plans for the
worst storms can create plansfor the worst storms and you're
in it.
If you're in burnout, you're init, and your number one goal is
(19:55):
creating safety for yourself andsafety for your kids.
And so what happens is that westart looking for solutions,
because we, as women, areproblem solvers.
So we start looking for aroutine that's going to fix this
, or a rule for our kids that'sgoing to fix this, or a new
schedule that's going to fixthis, or a new like beautiful
chore chart that's going to giveeverybody else the chores.
And we're not there yet.
We've got to realize we arelike in the eye of the storm and
(20:18):
we've just got to hunker downand take care of ourselves and
make sure that our kids are safe, then we can, step by step, get
to what I call ahead of themoment planning, or family
success planning.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Yeah, yeah, no, that's a really good point,
because I think that issomething that we all do, is
we're just so focused on fixingwhatever is broken and what we
think is broken, that we're nottruly taking care of the issue
or letting the issue, you know,blow over.
Whatever you need to before youdig into these big process
changes.
Yeah, that's a really goodpoint.
(20:51):
So, with the kids, you know,having a parent or a mom, you
know, with the burnout, how doesthat affect them?
I mean obviously you know wethrow out some negative energy,
but is you know like what?
Is you know what are we doingto our children by not taking
care of this issue?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Yeah, Well, I don't want to add more stress on top
of your already stressfulsituation.
So I want to just acknowledgethat you're in burnout and it's
hard, and I think that youbeating yourself up because
you're in burnout, because whatyou want is you want your kids
(21:40):
to learn from your modeling.
So if you're listening to thisand you're like, wow, this is me
, this is me.
I've been going too hard, toostrong, too long and I am just I
can't go any longer, I'm goingto end up in the hospital,
that's a negative effect, right?
If you end up in the hospital,there's no one else to care for
your kids.
If there's no one else to bethere for them, that's a big
(22:03):
negative.
And so what's better is if youcan say hey guys, I've been
really struggling, I've beenpushing, I've been going, I've
been doing too long and I thinkI'm making myself sick.
And so when I yell at you, Ineed you to know it's not about
you, and when I need a moment tomyself, I need you to know it's
(22:24):
not because I don't want to bearound you.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
Yeah, Again, like preparing.
You know it's the same concept.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yeah, but you're speaking it out, you're letting
them know in on your world,because I think so many moms
think that we have to be sostrong for our kids and the more
that we can not be as like thisstrong superhero figure to our
kids, the more we actually are ahero to our kids, because they
see that it's okay to makemistakes, they see that it's
(22:49):
okay to have a bad day, they seethat it's okay to have a bad
month and still be loving andstill be amazing and still be
wonderful.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
Yeah, no, that's a great point.
I mean I do.
I appreciate the fact that youdon't want to put more negative
on you know the mom with burnout, because that that doesn't fix
anything at all.
So now, if you have a partnerat home, you know a dad or
whatever, you know how, how canhe assist, Like what?
(23:19):
What can he do to help thesituation a little bit?
Is there anything, is it?
Just leave me alone, Don'ttouch me, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
No, I think I think we assume that our partners know
what we need, when sometimesthey don't.
I think a lot of times partnersand I'll actually say I see a
lot on the mental load or beingthe default parent and all the
stuff that you can't see, thatespecially stay-at-home moms
take on the figuring out thegroceries, the doing the laundry
(23:50):
, the organizing the day or theweek or the making sure that
everything's in place for thekids' school.
Those things go unseen by thepartner sometimes.
But as an ADHD adult, I'm goingto just say something I've
never said publicly I am thatperson that puts those extra
(24:11):
default mental load on mypartner because I struggle with
those executive functionings.
So we used to struggle a lotbecause he just assumed I knew
what he needed for me to takethe load off of him.
And once we started talkingabout all the things that are
going into his day that I don'teven notice he's doing, or all
(24:35):
the things that I'm doing thathe doesn't notice I'm doing, and
we start looking at what areall of the invisible, hidden,
you know, burdens or tasks ordemands on us in a week and now
we can start dividing those up.
And I wouldn't say equally, Iwould say, divide them up based
on each person's uniqueness.
(24:57):
So, like I said, like laundryfor me is very, very hard, I
don't remember to put it in, Idon't remember to take it out, I
don't remember to fold it, likeI just don't remember.
And so, for me, if my husbandis like, if I know my husband is
going to magically take andit's not magically, I know that
but when the laundry isoverflowing, the laundry is
(25:19):
going to make it down to thebasement, it's going to get
washed, it's going to get driedand it's going to get brought
back upstairs.
I can then fold it and I canthen put it away.
I have no problems with thosethings because they're right in
my face.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
No problems, easy to do.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
So we have started leaning into some of those
things.
I would also go to my partnerand there are things that we
started kind of outsourcing andI know not everyone has the
privilege to do this, but westarted outsourcing.
We do not clean the poop in ourbackyard.
I know that is the strangestthing in the world.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
No, you know what?
I've seen, the company thatdoes this, and it cracked me up
years ago when I saw it.
But hey, look at this, there'sa use.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
It saves me and my husband so much mental energy to
not have to think about the dogpoop every day.
So that's one thing.
We do have someone that comesand does like the deep clean,
because neither one of us havethe energy or the mental
capacity to do that, Becausewe're running a company and
raising three kids that areneurodivergent and I'm
(26:22):
neurodivergent myself, and so Iknow that I need those supports.
So that is a way that yourpartner can help is you can say
hey, I know you don't have thecapacity, I know I don't have
the capacity.
What can we sacrifice so thatwe could get someone to come and
clean up the dog poo?
What could we sacrifice so thatsomeone can come and do the
pick up our laundry twice a week, Because that happens too.
(26:44):
Like there are so many servicesout there now and there are so
many people that want to helpwith these like daily things you
can also talk to your partnerabout.
Hey, I know you really likehome-cooked meals every single
week, every single night, butlike I just don't have the
energy to prep the food shop orto shop for the food to prep.
(27:06):
Well, let's back up.
I don't have the mental energyto think of the meals and meal
plan, then go shop for the food,then put all the food away,
then prep the food and then makethe food and then make sure
that everyone in the house hasthe stuff that they need.
I either A need help, or weneed a meal service, or we need
(27:27):
to come up with.
What we did in our house is wehad days, theme days.
Every Tuesday is taco Tuesday.
Every Friday is pizza Friday.
Like every Monday was nothought.
Every Monday was spaghetti andmeatballs, Every Wednesday was
chicken and vegetables.
Like we just came up with thething that we knew everyone
(27:47):
would eat.
We worked on it with the familyand then there was no thought.
It just was like this is whatwe have, so no matter who is up
for cooking, like I don't haveto be the one that cook, and we
also let go of a lot of have-tos.
So I am like if I got to choose, I'd be the crunchiest person
in the world.
We would compost all our food,we would recycle everything and
(28:13):
we would reuse absolutelyeverything.
We wouldn't throw anything away.
But I don't have the capacityfor that right now, and when I
was in burnout I definitelydidn't have capacity, so paper
plates came out.
Taking out came out.
It's just a season it canalways change.
(28:52):
You have to allow yourself these.
Word retrieval is hard for mewith ADHD, so I'm trying to
think like concessions.
You have to allow yourselfthese like oops plans or hey, I
can get away with this right nowbecause of the season I'm in,
and I think the more that we cantalk to our partner about that,
the more we ourselves can letgo of that, the more you're
going to be able to get out ofthis stage.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Yeah, absolutely yeah .
I mean it's the little things alot of times you know the
little things that you canoffload.
I mean, I guess laundry is notnecessarily little and neither
is meal cooking, but in thegrand scheme of things you know
those are things that are daily,repetitive, and there's people
or services that will do it.
So if yeah if you have themeans, for sure.
I mean, I've had a housecleaner, you know, on and off
(29:24):
for a couple of years.
We don't have it right now, andboy do I miss it.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Yeah, and we don't have it right now either.
And so I walked into mydownstairs and our luggage is
still out from when we got backlast Wednesday and my kitchen is
full of dishes from cookinglast night, and I just took a
deep breath and at first wantedto get really stressed out about
it, and then I was like no,we're focusing on other things
(29:50):
right now and that is what wehave to allow ourselves to do to
get out of a difficult place.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
Yeah, yeah, definitely need to give
ourselves grace, that's.
I mean without doing that, youknow we're going to just keep
circling this crazy eye of thestorm and never, never make any
headway.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Yeah, I would say if you remove things from your
schedule, if you are feelinglike you're in burnout and
you've removed things from yourschedule, I would say you could
probably remove the same amountagain and still you haven't
removed enough.
We're so used to going, doingand have tos that this is very
(30:32):
uncomfortable, but if you pauseand slow down for a week, a
month, maybe even six months, inthe long run you are going to
be so much further ahead and youare going to be in such a
better headspace, in such abetter health place for your
body, for your kids, a place foryour body, for your kids and
(31:00):
for your job.
All the things are going to getso much easier.
If you do take the time, it'sgoing to take a little longer
than you think it's going totake.
I need people to know that, andwhen I coach women on this, I
look at their list and I'm likebut still, look at what you got
on there.
Do we really need the housecompletely clean for the
birthday party on Saturday?
I don't think you do.
Speaker 3 (31:21):
Yeah, that's funny you say that one, because that's
one of those things that it'slike if it's a room that no
one's going to be in, I'm nottouching it.
I don't have time.
I've just made the birthdaycake or I've decorated it or
whatever.
Now I'm putting decorations upand all of that.
I'm going to clean the commonareas and, of course, the
bathroom, but I'm not worryingabout my whole house.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Well and now that you're talking about worrying, I
think that one last thingthat's kind of coming to me is
that morning thought time thatyou do.
That's a place to brain dumpyour worries and then let it go.
I like this concept of aparking lot, because some of us
are so afraid to let go of ourworries that like, but what will
(32:00):
happen if I let go of theseworries and I don't think about
these things Like we are?
Our brains get addicted toworrying.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
I don't think we know we're worrying.
Honestly, we do it so often.
It's just we do it so oftenthat we're just like.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
But if you're thinking about something like
where's my son going to go tocollege, right, and your kid is
five, and hey, they may be 16,17.
But if there is nothing you cando about it right now, today,
this is not a worry you need tohave on your plate today.
Put it in the parking lot, andthat alone has helped so many
(32:37):
parents get out of.
Burnout is because they stopfocusing on all the worries of
all the things in all the areasand they go.
Wait a second.
There's something I can doabout this today, so I'll put
this on today's pile.
Everything else goes in the nottoday, friend.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
Yeah, gosh, that's.
That's a amazing thought onthat, because I mean, I thinking
about that right now for my 15year old with college, or you
know how financially like, howare we going to afford it?
Do we have enough in ourcollege fund?
You know, like, are we, are wedonating?
Or you know putting enough inthere and things like that.
But yeah, you're right, wecan't do anything about it now.
(33:17):
So for that one.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
That's a great example.
It's not going to help you toworry about it every day.
What you can do about it is setup a meeting with your partner
or with your bank and say hey,I've been having these thoughts
and I'm wondering if there'sanything we can do today that's
going to make sure we haveenough in there for when they go
to school.
Yeah, Boom done.
(33:38):
It's a one day thing instead ofit being every day for years.
Yeah, that's and then doingnothing about it.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
Right, right.
Well, that's kind of you knowwhy we've gotten to this point
is like oh my gosh, are we doingenough?
We've never talked to you.
You know, it's that daily, Idon't know.
I've got a bucket of dailyworries, I guess, and I just go
through every one every morningit's like habit and then do
nothing.
But yeah, you're right If weactually, but what if you?
Speaker 1 (34:07):
just said no, I'm not even going to pull you out.
But you know what, today it's aSaturday, I've got some
capacity and I'm going to dosome research on finances for
college, so I'm going to pullthat one out of the bucket and
today's the day I'm focusing onthat.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
Yeah, it's such a simple concept and it's
something that is so hard to do.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
It is so hard yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:31):
Wow.
Well, this was a greatconversation and I would love
for you to share where you knowlisteners can find you.
I'm sure that they're going towant to reach out and get some
more great information on this.
So just you know, let us knowwhere can we find you?
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Well, you can find me everywhere, at Calm the Chaos
Parenting, and so that is onsocial channels, and I have our.
We have our own podcast.
And then you can also grab thebook Calm the Chaos a fail-proof
roadmap for parenting even themost challenging kids, and the
whole first half of the book isreally about you, and so it's
going to help with that burnout.
(35:07):
It's going to help with thoseworries, those fears and setting
up those habits that will helpyou handle any of the stress
that comes your way.
And if you do get any of thosethings or check me out there,
please reach out and let me knowwhat resonated.
I love hearing from people whohave heard me on other podcasts
or people who have checked outour services and things like
(35:29):
that.
So please reach out and sayhello.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
So, wow, thank you again for being here.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Navigate these challenges no-transcript.
Speaker 3 (01:09:51):
It's been a real journey, sharing and laughing
with you all.
Speaker 2 (01:09:54):
We hope you're walking away with a smile on
your face and a bit moreconfidence in your step.
Speaker 3 (01:09:58):
Remember, you're not alone in this crazy ride called
life.
We're all in this together, oneday at a time.
Speaker 2 (01:10:04):
Don't forget to subscribe, leave us a review and
, of course, share this podcastwith all the incredible women in
your life.
Speaker 3 (01:10:10):
Join us next week for more stories, more laughs and
more real talk.
Speaker 2 (01:10:14):
Until then, keep embracing your unique journey
and remember you've got ittogether more than you think.
And this is a great way to just build up sustainable
habits, one minute at a time,and there's five different ones
that you can add, so you canbuild up to a five-minute daily
practice.
And it doesn't have to be yourmorning routine, it doesn't have
to be your evening wind down,it can literally be spread
throughout your day.
And so the first way is withour things we take care of in
(00:21):
our head.
So we've got to take care ofour thoughts and we've got to
take care of the stress thatwe're managing and we, let's be
honest, try to take on too much.
We try to do it all, and Ialways tell people if you try to
do it all, you're going to donothing.
Well, so it's better if we canlet things go.
But that's so hard.
(00:42):
That concept alone is soincredibly hard, especially for
women who are so used to doingit all.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Hi everyone, and welcome to a brand new episode
of she's Got it Together.
I'm your host, jessica.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
And I'm Samantha.
Each week we peel back thecurtain on what it really looks
like to have it together.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
From the messy moments to the milestones we're
here to share it all.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
So grab your favorite drink, get comfy and let's dive
into today's topic.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Are you stuck in a sea of chaos, completely
overwhelmed and exhausted?
Well, I have Dana Abraham heretoday and she is going to help
us navigate these challenges.
Welcome, dana, I'm so excitedto have you here today.
We are going to be talkingabout mom burnout and, before we
get started, I'd really like tohave you just kind of introduce
(01:37):
yourself to the audience, givea little background, just so
that you know how they knowyou're the expert in this
particular topic.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Yeah, so hi everyone.
I am Dana Abraham.
I'm the founder of Calm theChaos Parenting and I originally
started out as a blog LemonLime Adventures, when I was in
the throes of burnout.
I feel like nothing likestarting a blog, having a baby
and homeschooling all your kidsto really just like celebrate
burnout Do it all, do it all, doit all.
(02:06):
Yeah, so what really hadhappened is, you know, I like to
say I was kind of born intochaos, grew up in chaos and then
, when I became a teacher, myfavorite kids were the kids that
came with a paper trail behindthem, the ones that all the
other teachers had pretty muchalready dismissed.
The kids knew it, they walkedinto the class, they already
(02:27):
knew and I taught preschool.
Then I had my own kids and whenI had my first kid I thought I
was going to be the world's bestmom because I had this
education background, because Ihad grown up and overcome so
many hard things growing up.
I thought I've got this.
Someone's going to show up atmy doorstep with balloons and a
parade and a sign that saysWorld's Best Mom.
(02:48):
I thought I was going to winthe prize.
That did not happen.
The farthest thing thathappened, my oldest son was
kicked out of his firstpreschool.
I was the one that was.
Every time I showed up atkindergarten, the teacher would
say we need to have a talk.
And then first grade he wasgetting like sent home early and
(03:13):
by second grade he wassuspended more days than he was
actually in school.
Yeah, things were gettingreally rough.
And so there came a momentwhere he had had another
meltdown at school.
The teacher or the principalcalled you need to get here.
I was nine months pregnant anddrove 45 minutes to the school,
walked in and they had everyonein line waiting for me,
including the police.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Oh boy.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
So they marched me into past my son and into the
principal's office and in thatroom the principal sat me down
and said you have two choicesyou can let this officer take
your son into custody or you cantake him home and don't bring
him back till you figure outwhat's wrong with him.
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Oh my gosh, that's horrible.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Yeah, it was pretty rough for me, for my son, and we
just, you know, we went throughkind of all the things that you
do.
We got an IEP, we did all thethings, but then it was just so
evident that he wasn't going toget his needs met in that school
and he didn't fit in atraditional school setting.
And so I quit my job and I hadthe privilege to be able to do
(04:16):
that but I quit my job, I stayedhome with him and I was just
determined to help him.
One, not hate himself for notfitting in and two, not hate the
world for not understanding him.
And at that same time I lookedonline and everything was
picture perfect.
It was in like the heyday ofPinterest days.
This was 10 years ago, andeverything was perfect.
(04:39):
And you Googled homeschool andall of this and everything was
beautiful.
And I was like I don'tunderstand how I'm the only one
who has no idea what I'm doing.
And so I decided to start ablog just documenting the good
and the bad and the ugly.
And I started that and I thinkmy daughter was three months old
(05:01):
, my son was seven, and then Ihad another son who was five and
, yeah, just kind of jumped in,so talk about, you know, really
adding to the chaos myself as Iwas documenting and I definitely
went into massive burnout as Iwas working through that and
(05:23):
trying to help my son and, youknow, trying to just kind of
walk through things, and again,that was 10 years ago.
I've gone through differentversions of burnout throughout
the years, but more than that,I've helped parents online now.
Now I share what I do and whatI did with my son and in our
program we actually help parentswho are going through burnout
(05:44):
and don't realize they're goingthrough burnout or how to
recognize signs of burnout evenin their kids, because it's way
more prevalent than people talkabout.
Speaker 3 (05:54):
I'm sure, I'm sure, yeah, no, that's really
interesting because I actuallydid homeschool my two girls.
It was during COVID.
It was during COVID.
But when I just, you know, whenthey pulled them out of school
and everything else or close theschools, I discovered that my
youngest, with a time would havebeen in first grade, second
grade, first grade, she couldn't, she didn't know all her
(06:15):
letters, she couldn't readobviously that all these things
they've been pushing her along.
So it was kind of a blessing indisguise because I was able to
kind of bring home.
You know, we started her fromthe basics again and moved her
up, um, and I did homeschool herfor two years.
And my oldest, who at the timewould have been in seventh grade
, um, she was just the one yearshe really wanted to go back to
(06:38):
school, you know, to be with herfriends, and she did great
homeschooling, she was supereasy, you know she's, she was
older, she, homeschooling, shewas super easy, you know she's,
she was older, she was, she justdid well with that.
And my youngest, she did okay.
You know, it was a struggle,obviously, but I think that,
having the opportunity, becauseI didn't know anything about
homeschooling either, I mean itwas just okay.
(06:58):
You know, covid's here, I don'twant you to die, let's just
keep you home.
I don't want you to die, let'sjust keep you home.
So we just, you know, we justwent with it.
But yeah, I mean, fast forwardnow.
You know my youngest she's.
She's definitely never had anydiscipline issues.
She's very high strung she's.
(07:19):
She's ADHD, she's dyslexic,she's.
She has a lot of learningchallenges.
So the traditional schooldidn't work for her either.
So when we put her back inschool because I could only
homeschool so long, it was justthere's my mom burnout.
I was just like I can't,because I was still working.
I was still working at UltimateBundles and I was running
customer service and doing amillion other things.
But putting her back intoschool, we ended up putting her
(07:43):
into a Catholic school, which weare not Catholic, I'll just say
that.
But we did do this and it wasbecause of the class sizes and
the, you know, direct attentionshe was going to get, and she's
been there for two years now.
But we did.
You know, I mean that was ahuge hurdle that we overcame.
But yeah, I get where.
(08:03):
You know, you're saying thatyour son just didn't fit in that
traditional mold.
I mean, I don't know how theycan say that there is one.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Well, I've come to find that none of my kids do.
It's just taken longer for eachkid.
My 16-year-old just came hometo homeschool and I'm not
someone who loves homeschooling.
I'll just put that out there.
But my daughter is 10, the onethat was three months old at the
time.
So she's 10 now and she spentan entire year being model
student at school, except it washard to get her to school.
(08:35):
Her anxiety was so high.
Getting her to school wasreally hard, and then we fought
that tooth and nail with theschool, with her, for a while.
Then, finally, I just kind ofleaned into what we teach
parents around the world anyway,and so what we really realized
is the school environment was soincredibly stressful for her
(08:55):
and she was masking, which meanscovering up all of the pain,
all of the difficulties atschool, so they weren't seeing
it, all of the difficulties atschool, so they weren't seeing
it.
But it became really evidentwhen she broke her arm and she
sat in school for a whole dayand didn't tell anybody.
Oh my gosh, like it was so easyfor me in a meeting to then be
(09:16):
like you know, they're like oh,she raises her hand, she asks
questions.
I'm like does she ever askquestions when she has a problem
?
Does she ever ask questionswhen she doesn't understand?
And they're like now that youmention it, I was like did she
raise her hand and tell you thather arm didn't feel right, you
know, and they were like no, shedidn't.
I can't believe.
She sat there all day and itwas broken in two places and
(09:39):
needed surgery and that was.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
You almost think, though, though, that the
teachers, they're just not intune, because you can't tell me
that she didn't have somepainful expressions on her face
at any point, she wasn't.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
No, my daughter would mask in front of anyone and
then let go at home, and so manyof our kids are doing it.
I think it's a really goodvisual for what's happening with
so many of our kids at school.
And I know we weren't going totalk about school, but it leads
to burnout for parents as well,because we're pushing, pushing,
pushing our kids, we're pushingthe school and we're thinking we
(10:13):
must be doing something wrong.
And I just want you to knowthat that's not the case Anyone
listening if your kid'sstruggling, if you're struggling
, it's not because you're doingsomething wrong.
Like there are systems in placethat are not working for many
of us, especially after we wentthrough two years of COVID and
systems didn't change.
(10:33):
After that, like you said, yougot a huge insight into your kid
.
Well, nothing changed atschools because of the new
insights.
Nothing changed at schools whenwe realized that some kids
actually thrived at home doingtheir schoolwork, you know, and
some needed to be in a schoolsetting for some things but at
home for other things.
(10:54):
And we could have really adaptedthe school system.
But it's like I always tellpeople, it's like you know, when
you have a canoe, it's easy tosteer.
One person tells the otherperson hey, put your oar in the
water.
But when you are steering likea big ocean liner, it takes
hours to get it to changedirection.
And that's what's reallyhappening when we think about
(11:17):
the school system.
And it's not the fault ofteachers I was a teacher.
It's not the fault even ofadministrators.
It's a collective wholesystemic problem.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
Absolutely, it's one that I just don't think anyone
knows truly how to start to fix.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
No, and I think that even that the pressure, the
worries we think about, likeburnout being because we are
doing too much at home orbecause maybe we're dealing with
a sick kid or something likethat Really it is all these
pressures of the world expectingus, the moms, to kind of just
keep carrying on and keeppushing through and keep putting
(11:54):
on a pretty face and makingsure that our kids are still
going to church and going toschool and going to their school
events, and that our house isstill organized and clean and
we're still paying the bills ontime.
All those things are stillexpected of us.
But the world has changed a lotand I think we're becoming more
and more aware of all thethings, pressures and unspoken
(12:17):
demands that are being put onparents, especially moms.
Speaker 3 (12:21):
Yeah, no, that's very , very true.
All right, let's take a stepback really quick.
I want you to just kind ofexplain mom burnout as far as
like what it is specifically.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
You can cut that out, right?
Yeah, sorry, I'm getting oversomething, oh no good.
So when I think of mom burnout,I think of our sensory systems
and our body systems and ourbrain functions kind of shutting
down, like we have hit ourlimit.
And you know, we get told asparents especially moms that
(12:57):
we've got to fill our cup.
We've got to fill our cup, butmy daughter made me these little
I don't even know if you cansee them, they're so tiny.
These are little coffee mugs.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
Yeah, those are adorable yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I can fill this cup all day long and it's not going
to do anything for me.
It's too tiny, it doesn't haveenough capacity to actually
sustain me.
And that's what mom burnout isis that you are past your
capacity and it's justoverflowing in all areas.
And the way that the brainworks, the way the body works,
is that when you are in stress,your executive functioning
(13:30):
skills go down, meaning yourability to remember, your
ability to organize, yourability to literally function in
everyday life, and then thatadds more stress and it becomes
this vicious cycle, adds morestress and it becomes this
vicious cycle.
So what happens is then momswill end up, and this can happen
(13:55):
to all humans.
This is just humans, psychologyand biology.
But what happens when we get tothat stress point is that our
sensory system gets on highalert.
It's kind of like having asunburn and then putting an
itchy sweater on top of it.
Like everything is just morebothersome the kid's talking,
the kid's laughing, the kid'sroughhousing, the noises outside
(14:16):
, the touching, the feeling, youknow.
Like all of that becomes somuch that our bodies can't
handle it and then we end upblowing and losing our cool and
then we think something's wrongwith us because we did it, when
it's really just your bodyletting off some of this steam
and trying to regulate in someway, even if it's not the most
(14:40):
accepted quote, unquote way tolet off that steam.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Yeah, definitely not a positive way, but it's just
got to come out, I mean.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
I actually would even reframe that Like I would say
that it's not seen as a positiveway, but I would say that it's
a neutral way, right?
If we?
I was steaming some vegetableslast night for dinner and at
some point the steam got to betoo much in the lid and the lid
started popping up and down andthen, like, just flew off the
top of the pot.
It's going to happen at somepoint when our body, our brain,
(15:15):
our sensory system, our nervoussystem can't hold all that we're
trying to hold.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Right, yeah, yeah, I mean, unless we can find a
bigger cup Right, yeah, yeah, Imean, unless we can find a
bigger cup, somehow it's goingto constantly overflow, like
that, yeah, so okay, how do weprevent this?
Like, what can we do to kind ofhelp alleviate, because I don't
think it's preventable, but Imean, how do we manage it?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
So I think some ways that we can is we have to
reframe the way that we look atour own taking care of ourself,
because for so long self-carehas been seen as we go take
bubble baths or we go away fromour kids.
But we need daily sustainablepractices that are going to help
our mindset, our mood, our bodyand even give our sensory
(16:02):
system a break.
Sorry, inside of my Calm theChaos book, I talk about the
five-minute energy plan, andthis is a great way to just
build up sustainable habits, oneminute at a time, and there's
five different ones that you canadd so you can build up to a
five-minute daily practice.
And it doesn't have to be yourmorning routine, it doesn't have
(16:25):
to be your evening wind down,it can literally be spread
throughout your day.
And so the first way is withour things we take care of in
our head.
So we've got to take care ofour thoughts and we've got to
take care of the stress thatwe're managing and we, let's be
honest, try to take on too much.
We try to do it all, and Ialways tell people, if you try
(16:46):
to do it all, you're going to donothing.
Well, so it's better if we canlet things go.
But that's so hard.
That concept alone is soincredibly hard, especially for
women who are so used to doingit all.
But we have to, you know, kindof get everything out of our
head and then choose, like I'monly going to do this one thing.
If all I did today was this onething, and that might be rest
(17:10):
today's a good day, and thenreally listening to our body
when we're doing that too andreally saying this is a priority
.
This is going to get me onestep closer to what's most
important to me and my familyright now.
The other thing is a dailypractice of something for our
mindset, and so that's why Isaid there's kind of two for
(17:31):
your head.
There's one to get the stuffout and get out of that
overwhelm that we're constantlyin, and the other one is for our
mindset, because things arecoming at us all day, every day,
and so it is easy to get suckedinto.
I'm the only one, nobody caresabout me, what does it matter,
(17:53):
what's the point?
And we start getting sucked inthese negative thought cycles.
So if, every day, we spent justone minute taking a big deep
breath and just anchoring, I amenough.
I am worthy.
I'm worthy of taking fiveminutes a day for myself.
Now my goal is that you cantake more than five minutes a
(18:13):
day for yourself, but I amworthy of this time.
I'm worthy of this energy andfinding something that really
works for you to focus on.
If you're in the throes of itand the thick of it, you might
be practicing something I callan anchor.
I talk more about that in mybook too, but this is something
that you're practicing ahead oftime what you're going to tell
(18:36):
yourself when your kids arefighting.
So, let's say, your siblingsalways fight and then you start
catastrophizing and thinkingthey're going to have the worst
relationship ever.
So in the morning, you canpicture that.
You can visualize that moment,that they're going to fight and
you're going to stop, take a bigdeep breath and then remind
yourself hmm, they're justhaving a hard time.
(18:58):
And that way, when it happenslater in the day, you are
prepped and ready to go.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
So that's one way yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:05):
Being prepared.
I think that that's I mean thatworks with everything.
Really, it's just prepared.
It's such a basic thing, butnobody does it.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Yes, and um.
And so there's lots of otherthings you can do in that little
five minute energy plan.
Even if it's just like textinga friend, um, if it's sending a
little voice message to youraunt or to your mom, whatever,
it is just something small toconnect with other people,
something that moves your body,something that takes care of
your body.
(19:33):
They can be really small things, but you just kind of hit on it
of being prepared, the morethat we can create plans for the
worst storms can create plansfor the worst storms and you're
in it.
If you're in burnout, you're init, and your number one goal is
(19:55):
creating safety for yourself andsafety for your kids.
And so what happens is that westart looking for solutions,
because we, as women, areproblem solvers.
So we start looking for aroutine that's going to fix this
, or a rule for our kids that'sgoing to fix this, or a new
schedule that's going to fixthis, or a new like beautiful
chore chart that's going to giveeverybody else the chores.
And we're not there yet.
We've got to realize we arelike in the eye of the storm and
(20:18):
we've just got to hunker downand take care of ourselves and
make sure that our kids are safe, then we can, step by step, get
to what I call ahead of themoment planning, or family
success planning.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Yeah, yeah, no, that's a really good point,
because I think that issomething that we all do, is
we're just so focused on fixingwhatever is broken and what we
think is broken, that we're nottruly taking care of the issue
or letting the issue, you know,blow over.
Whatever you need to before youdig into these big process
changes.
Yeah, that's a really goodpoint.
(20:51):
So, with the kids, you know,having a parent or a mom, you
know, with the burnout, how doesthat affect them?
I mean obviously you know wethrow out some negative energy,
but is you know like what?
Is you know what are we doingto our children by not taking
care of this issue?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Yeah, Well, I don't want to add more stress on top
of your already stressfulsituation.
So I want to just acknowledgethat you're in burnout and it's
hard, and I think that youbeating yourself up because
you're in burnout, because whatyou want is you want your kids
(21:40):
to learn from your modeling.
So if you're listening to thisand you're like, wow, this is me
, this is me.
I've been going too hard, toostrong, too long and I am just I
can't go any longer, I'm goingto end up in the hospital,
that's a negative effect, right?
If you end up in the hospital,there's no one else to care for
your kids.
If there's no one else to bethere for them, that's a big
(22:03):
negative.
And so what's better is if youcan say hey guys, I've been
really struggling, I've beenpushing, I've been going, I've
been doing too long and I thinkI'm making myself sick.
And so when I yell at you, Ineed you to know it's not about
you, and when I need a moment tomyself, I need you to know it's
(22:24):
not because I don't want to bearound you.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
Yeah, Again, like preparing.
You know it's the same concept.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
Yeah, but you're speaking it out, you're letting
them know in on your world,because I think so many moms
think that we have to be sostrong for our kids and the more
that we can not be as like thisstrong superhero figure to our
kids, the more we actually are ahero to our kids, because they
see that it's okay to makemistakes, they see that it's
(22:49):
okay to have a bad day, they seethat it's okay to have a bad
month and still be loving andstill be amazing and still be
wonderful.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
Yeah, no, that's a great point.
I mean I do.
I appreciate the fact that youdon't want to put more negative
on you know the mom with burnout, because that that doesn't fix
anything at all.
So now, if you have a partnerat home, you know a dad or
whatever, you know how, how canhe assist, Like what?
(23:19):
What can he do to help thesituation a little bit?
Is there anything, is it?
Just leave me alone, Don'ttouch me, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
No, I think I think we assume that our partners know
what we need, when sometimesthey don't.
I think a lot of times partnersand I'll actually say I see a
lot on the mental load or beingthe default parent and all the
stuff that you can't see, thatespecially stay-at-home moms
take on the figuring out thegroceries, the doing the laundry
(23:50):
, the organizing the day or theweek or the making sure that
everything's in place for thekids' school.
Those things go unseen by thepartner sometimes.
But as an ADHD adult, I'm goingto just say something I've
never said publicly I am thatperson that puts those extra
(24:11):
default mental load on mypartner because I struggle with
those executive functionings.
So we used to struggle a lotbecause he just assumed I knew
what he needed for me to takethe load off of him.
And once we started talkingabout all the things that are
going into his day that I don'teven notice he's doing, or all
(24:35):
the things that I'm doing thathe doesn't notice I'm doing, and
we start looking at what areall of the invisible, hidden,
you know, burdens or tasks ordemands on us in a week and now
we can start dividing those up.
And I wouldn't say equally, Iwould say, divide them up based
on each person's uniqueness.
(24:57):
So, like I said, like laundryfor me is very, very hard, I
don't remember to put it in, Idon't remember to take it out, I
don't remember to fold it, likeI just don't remember.
And so, for me, if my husbandis like, if I know my husband is
going to magically take andit's not magically, I know that
but when the laundry isoverflowing, the laundry is
(25:19):
going to make it down to thebasement, it's going to get
washed, it's going to get driedand it's going to get brought
back upstairs.
I can then fold it and I canthen put it away.
I have no problems with thosethings because they're right in
my face.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
No problems, easy to do.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
So we have started leaning into some of those
things.
I would also go to my partnerand there are things that we
started kind of outsourcing andI know not everyone has the
privilege to do this, but westarted outsourcing.
We do not clean the poop in ourbackyard.
I know that is the strangestthing in the world.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
No, you know what?
I've seen, the company thatdoes this, and it cracked me up
years ago when I saw it.
But hey, look at this, there'sa use.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
It saves me and my husband so much mental energy to
not have to think about the dogpoop every day.
So that's one thing.
We do have someone that comesand does like the deep clean,
because neither one of us havethe energy or the mental
capacity to do that, Becausewe're running a company and
raising three kids that areneurodivergent and I'm
(26:22):
neurodivergent myself, and so Iknow that I need those supports.
So that is a way that yourpartner can help is you can say
hey, I know you don't have thecapacity, I know I don't have
the capacity.
What can we sacrifice so thatwe could get someone to come and
clean up the dog poo?
What could we sacrifice so thatsomeone can come and do the
pick up our laundry twice a week, Because that happens too.
(26:44):
Like there are so many servicesout there now and there are so
many people that want to helpwith these like daily things you
can also talk to your partnerabout.
Hey, I know you really likehome-cooked meals every single
week, every single night, butlike I just don't have the
energy to prep the food shop orto shop for the food to prep.
(27:06):
Well, let's back up.
I don't have the mental energyto think of the meals and meal
plan, then go shop for the food,then put all the food away,
then prep the food and then makethe food and then make sure
that everyone in the house hasthe stuff that they need.
I either A need help, or weneed a meal service, or we need
(27:27):
to come up with.
What we did in our house is wehad days, theme days.
Every Tuesday is taco Tuesday.
Every Friday is pizza Friday.
Like every Monday was nothought.
Every Monday was spaghetti andmeatballs, Every Wednesday was
chicken and vegetables.
Like we just came up with thething that we knew everyone
(27:47):
would eat.
We worked on it with the familyand then there was no thought.
It just was like this is whatwe have, so no matter who is up
for cooking, like I don't haveto be the one that cook, and we
also let go of a lot of have-tos.
So I am like if I got to choose, I'd be the crunchiest person
in the world.
We would compost all our food,we would recycle everything and
(28:13):
we would reuse absolutelyeverything.
We wouldn't throw anything away.
But I don't have the capacityfor that right now, and when I
was in burnout I definitelydidn't have capacity, so paper
plates came out.
Taking out came out.
It's just a season it canalways change.
(28:52):
You have to allow yourself these.
Word retrieval is hard for mewith ADHD, so I'm trying to
think like concessions.
You have to allow yourselfthese like oops plans or hey, I
can get away with this right nowbecause of the season I'm in,
and I think the more that we cantalk to our partner about that,
the more we ourselves can letgo of that, the more you're
going to be able to get out ofthis stage.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Yeah, absolutely yeah .
I mean it's the little things alot of times you know the
little things that you canoffload.
I mean, I guess laundry is notnecessarily little and neither
is meal cooking, but in thegrand scheme of things you know
those are things that are daily,repetitive, and there's people
or services that will do it.
So if yeah if you have themeans, for sure.
I mean, I've had a housecleaner, you know, on and off
(29:24):
for a couple of years.
We don't have it right now, andboy do I miss it.
Speaker 1 (29:28):
Yeah, and we don't have it right now either.
And so I walked into mydownstairs and our luggage is
still out from when we got backlast Wednesday and my kitchen is
full of dishes from cookinglast night, and I just took a
deep breath and at first wantedto get really stressed out about
it, and then I was like no,we're focusing on other things
(29:50):
right now and that is what wehave to allow ourselves to do to
get out of a difficult place.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
Yeah, yeah, definitely need to give
ourselves grace, that's.
I mean without doing that, youknow we're going to just keep
circling this crazy eye of thestorm and never, never make any
headway.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Yeah, I would say if you remove things from your
schedule, if you are feelinglike you're in burnout and
you've removed things from yourschedule, I would say you could
probably remove the same amountagain and still you haven't
removed enough.
We're so used to going, doingand have tos that this is very
(30:32):
uncomfortable, but if you pauseand slow down for a week, a
month, maybe even six months, inthe long run you are going to
be so much further ahead and youare going to be in such a
better headspace, in such abetter health place for your
body, for your kids, a place foryour body, for your kids and
(31:00):
for your job.
All the things are going to getso much easier.
If you do take the time, it'sgoing to take a little longer
than you think it's going totake.
I need people to know that, andwhen I coach women on this, I
look at their list and I'm likebut still, look at what you got
on there.
Do we really need the housecompletely clean for the
birthday party on Saturday?
I don't think you do.
Speaker 3 (31:21):
Yeah, that's funny you say that one, because that's
one of those things that it'slike if it's a room that no
one's going to be in, I'm nottouching it.
I don't have time.
I've just made the birthdaycake or I've decorated it or
whatever.
Now I'm putting decorations upand all of that.
I'm going to clean the commonareas and, of course, the
bathroom, but I'm not worryingabout my whole house.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Well and now that you're talking about worrying, I
think that one last thingthat's kind of coming to me is
that morning thought time thatyou do.
That's a place to brain dumpyour worries and then let it go.
I like this concept of aparking lot, because some of us
are so afraid to let go of ourworries that like, but what will
(32:00):
happen if I let go of theseworries and I don't think about
these things Like we are?
Our brains get addicted toworrying.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
I don't think we know we're worrying.
Honestly, we do it so often.
It's just we do it so oftenthat we're just like.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
But if you're thinking about something like
where's my son going to go tocollege, right, and your kid is
five, and hey, they may be 16,17.
But if there is nothing you cando about it right now, today,
this is not a worry you need tohave on your plate today.
Put it in the parking lot, andthat alone has helped so many
(32:37):
parents get out of.
Burnout is because they stopfocusing on all the worries of
all the things in all the areasand they go.
Wait a second.
There's something I can doabout this today, so I'll put
this on today's pile.
Everything else goes in the nottoday, friend.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
Yeah, gosh, that's.
That's a amazing thought onthat, because I mean, I thinking
about that right now for my 15year old with college, or you
know how financially like, howare we going to afford it?
Do we have enough in ourcollege fund?
You know, like, are we, are wedonating?
Or you know putting enough inthere and things like that.
But yeah, you're right, wecan't do anything about it now.
(33:17):
So for that one.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
That's a great example.
It's not going to help you toworry about it every day.
What you can do about it is setup a meeting with your partner
or with your bank and say hey,I've been having these thoughts
and I'm wondering if there'sanything we can do today that's
going to make sure we haveenough in there for when they go
to school.
Yeah, Boom done.
(33:38):
It's a one day thing instead ofit being every day for years.
Yeah, that's and then doingnothing about it.
Speaker 3 (33:46):
Right, right.
Well, that's kind of you knowwhy we've gotten to this point
is like oh my gosh, are we doingenough?
We've never talked to you.
You know, it's that daily, Idon't know.
I've got a bucket of dailyworries, I guess, and I just go
through every one every morningit's like habit and then do
nothing.
But yeah, you're right If weactually, but what if you?
Speaker 1 (34:07):
just said no, I'm not even going to pull you out.
But you know what, today it's aSaturday, I've got some
capacity and I'm going to dosome research on finances for
college, so I'm going to pullthat one out of the bucket and
today's the day I'm focusing onthat.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
Yeah, it's such a simple concept and it's
something that is so hard to do.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
It is so hard yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:31):
Wow.
Well, this was a greatconversation and I would love
for you to share where you knowlisteners can find you.
I'm sure that they're going towant to reach out and get some
more great information on this.
So just you know, let us knowwhere can we find you?
Speaker 1 (34:46):
Well, you can find me everywhere, at Calm the Chaos
Parenting, and so that is onsocial channels, and I have our.
We have our own podcast.
And then you can also grab thebook Calm the Chaos a fail-proof
roadmap for parenting even themost challenging kids, and the
whole first half of the book isreally about you, and so it's
going to help with that burnout.
(35:07):
It's going to help with thoseworries, those fears and setting
up those habits that will helpyou handle any of the stress
that comes your way.
And if you do get any of thosethings or check me out there,
please reach out and let me knowwhat resonated.
I love hearing from people whohave heard me on other podcasts
or people who have checked outour services and things like
(35:29):
that.
So please reach out and sayhello.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
So, wow, thank you again for being here.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Navigate these challenges no-transcript.
Speaker 3 (01:09:51):
It's been a real journey, sharing and laughing
with you all.
Speaker 2 (01:09:54):
We hope you're walking away with a smile on
your face and a bit moreconfidence in your step.
Speaker 3 (01:09:58):
Remember, you're not alone in this crazy ride called
life.
We're all in this together, oneday at a time.
Speaker 2 (01:10:04):
Don't forget to subscribe, leave us a review and
, of course, share this podcastwith all the incredible women in
your life.
Speaker 3 (01:10:10):
Join us next week for more stories, more laughs and
more real talk.
Speaker 2 (01:10:14):
Until then, keep embracing your unique journey
and remember you've got ittogether more than you think.
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