Episode Transcript
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Speaker (00:01):
Welcome to She's
Honestly Mental, a podcast for
women who are done pretendingthey're fine when they're
falling apart on the inside.
I'm your host, Karina Robinson,ADHD Brain, Medicated Mind, and
proud mental health hospitalalumni.
Still here, still showing upsomehow.
This is the space for thefillers, the fixers, and the
(00:24):
ones who carry it all and stillwonder if it's enough.
We talk about the chaos, theconnection, and everything in
between because silence nearlykilled me, and these
conversations save lives.
Alright, cacao in hand,headphones on, chaos
semi-contained.
Let's get honestly mental.
Hey, just a quick note beforewe dive in.
(00:49):
In this episode, we talk aboutmental health, honestly.
That includes conversationsaround suicide, trauma, sexual
assault, and some other reallymessy things.
Please check in with yourselffirst, make sure you're in the
right headspace to listen.
And if you need support, youcan always reach out to Lifeline
131114 or beyond blue on1300-224636.
(01:14):
You matter and you're notalone.
Welcome to episode one of She'sHonestly Mental.
I can't believe it.
I cannot believe that we arehere, that we are recording
episode one.
How wild.
This has been an adventure.
This is a moment that I am soincredibly grateful to be here
(01:37):
to be alive.
And I mean that in so many waysbecause for a while there,
there was times where I didn'tthink I'd celebrate my 30th
birthday.
I didn't think that I would behere to celebrate Christmases
and those moments with myfamily.
Because I truly believed thatthe world would be better off
(01:59):
without me.
This is mental illness.
These are the conversationsthat we don't have.
These are the conversationswe've been told not to talk
about.
These are the conversationsthat have been built around
years of generational trauma.
Years of people telling us,shh, you're too loud, you're too
(02:20):
noisy, be quiet.
Don't say that.
We're not having that anymore.
We're here to save lives.
We're here to have theseconversations.
This is what the world needs.
The world needs more support,more empathy, more kindness, and
more caring, and more genuinelybeing open to listening to
(02:40):
people's stories.
Through stories, we getconnection.
And through connection, we gethope.
We get that feel of actuallybeing cared for, worthy, and
loved.
And if you're in a positionright now where you don't feel
worthy, loved, or supported, letme tell you this.
(03:02):
You are worthy.
You are loved, and you aresupported.
And if you only hear this fromthis podcast, I truly hope that
it's enough to help you keepgoing.
This is a letter that I'd planto leave behind for my family to
find.
It's a letter I never reallyplan on sharing with the public,
(03:24):
obviously, because when you'rein this headspace, why would
you?
But what this letter is isactually a reflection of someone
who's deep in the mental healthspiral, someone who has given
up hope.
These things that I've writtenin the letter are things that I
truly believed.
(03:45):
And they're the things that Ilook back now, the things that
I'd said about myself and thethings that I believed that
truly make me be fuckinggrateful for being alive and
being here in this moment.
But these are the moments thatI really know that there's so
many people out there that feelthe same way, and I just hope by
(04:08):
having these conversations thatthey no longer feel alone.
A letter.
Every day is a fight with mymind, or a fight because all I
(04:39):
want is the best for everyoneand to do the right thing, but
I'm get so afraid that whateverI do isn't going to be the right
thing.
All I ever wanted to do washelp, to fix things, and all I
ever did was ruin things.
I'm always getting myself intoa mess, overcommitted, and not
(04:59):
able to finish anything.
I've tried for so long to makemy mind right, to get rid of
this anxiety, to try and helpmyself, but I can't.
I know I can't make it go away,and I don't want to spend the
rest of my life in this horriblebattle.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
I won't win, it won't
let me.
I'm just not meant to be here.
Speaker (05:21):
This life has always
been hard for me.
I've constantly battled my mindand I just can't do it anymore.
Tried to fix things, but I'vejust made them worse.
And no one will ever know howsorry I am.
I'm a terrible mum.
These kids deserve so much morethan I can give them.
My husband deserves someone whocan love him back more than I
(05:41):
can.
The love that he has for me isincredible.
Please know that there isnothing that anyone could have
done or said that could havechanged this.
The only person to be blamedfor this whole mess is me.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
I don't want a
funeral.
I don't want anyone to evenknow.
I want to go quietly.
I am sorry.
I am so so sorry.
I don't even really rememberthe day that I wrote that.
I don't even really rememberthe moment that I wrote that.
But I remember the moment whenI decided that that was it for
(06:19):
me.
Speaker (06:20):
I remember being with
my family and all of the things
around me just felt like theywere collapsing.
And they felt like they werecollapsing because of my actions
and things that I had beendoing.
What I know now, as someonewho's been through the process
(06:40):
and had help and had support andnow diagnosed, is that and I
fucking hate this when peopleare like, you always have a
choice.
You can always choose to not bein a situation.
But when you are mentallyunwell, your brain doesn't
function the way that it shouldbe functioning, the way that it
is meant to function.
(07:01):
And I kind of say that looselybecause I know that everyone's
brains work so differently.
But mental health, when you arein crisis like this, as I was,
when you truly believe thatyou're struggling and that
you're not worthy and that youshouldn't be here and that, you
know, no one loves you and allyou do is fuck up and make
(07:22):
messes and blah, blah, blah,blah, blah.
There's just so much emotionaround this.
I think it's when you get tothe other side and you get the
help and you find that supportthat you need as you start to
claw your way back.
You realize that it was justthe noise that your brain was
(07:42):
making.
It's the noise from theoutside, the external.
And I think in this day andage, there's just so much noise
around us, so many expectations,you know, sharing my Instagram
reels and my highlights insteadof actually sharing what is
real, R-E-A-L.
And that's what we've lost.
You know, where's MarthaStewart?
(08:03):
We're not all Martha Stewart's.
My brain doesn't do a MarthaStewart.
This is just it's life, right?
And with all the noise, we needto find ways that support us
through those days.
We need to find ways that helpour brains the way that our
brains are, because just like athumbprint, no one's brain is
the same as the other person's.
(08:24):
Oh, God, I spiraled.
I spiraled, sorry.
Anyway, back to where we went.
You know, it's just, it's allthat.
It's just that knowing now, thegirl that was in that moment,
that girl that decided in thatmoment that that was it, that
she had a plan and she was readyto execute the plan, is so
(08:45):
grateful that her family noticedin that time.
Because of course, I didn'tshare with anyone.
I hadn't told anyone.
I was still running a business,I was helping family with their
other businesses.
You know, I was, I had myfingers in so many pies, I was a
mom, two beautiful boys, and Iwas on the P and C and I was
doing things at the school, andthen I was on all of these
(09:07):
committees, and I just had thislike gigantic resume of all of
these things that I was doingbecause I felt like if I could
do all of these things reallywell, it would make me worthy
and make me feel loved and makepeople want to acknowledge me.
But instead, I was justreaching for things.
And on the outside, I wasfunctioning, and on the inside,
(09:32):
I was the one laying on thefloor in my bedroom, unable to
move because I couldn't, I justcouldn't brush my hair, brush my
teeth.
I couldn't decide.
Like I, like, you know, I I Iknow I need to shower, I know
that I I know that I should putthat washing on, or I haven't
folded this yet, or my floorneeds sweeping, and I haven't
(09:52):
done those, and why haven't Idone those?
Because it makes me such anidiot, and like, how come I
can't keep on top of my washing?
And like I just like, why is myhouse a mess?
Like, why do I forgetappointments?
Or why do I forget to tellpeople things?
Or I actually don't necessarilyforget to tell people things,
but I know the things, and thenI don't have the capability to
(10:13):
be able to function and to beable to execute those things.
But if someone else asked me todo it for them, I'd be there in
a heartbeat.
And I suppose that's what itwas like for me when I was in
that real mental health crisispoint.
That when my family asked mewhat was really going on, and I
(10:34):
said to them, I don't want to behere anymore, I want to die.
Me being so brutally honestwith them, it broke them.
Broke my husband.
And I just didn't want to do itanymore.
It gets heavy, it getshorrible.
And I just hope that thispodcast, this my big scary dream
(10:59):
with She's Honestly Mental isto be able to find ways to be
able to bring the mental healthsystem to the women, to be able
to find ways for women to beable to build a really strong
foundation of ways to be able tosupport themselves and their
brains, to meet them wherethey're at, to then be able to
(11:20):
help them build a scaffolding tosupport them as they get
through life.
What a wild dream.
And I don't know how that looksjust yet, but I know that if I
don't start, I'm gonna spend toomuch time overthinking it and
then being like, girl, so herewe are.
I wanted to speak up becausewhen I was first hospitalized
(11:42):
for my mental health, I didn'treally tell anyone.
I just told my family and someof my very closest friends.
But as a person who loves toovershare and has a case of
verbal diarrhea, which, youknow, you guys are going to get
that and I will spiral and allof the other things.
(12:03):
But as someone who has verbaldiarrhea and just loves to spill
the things, that was reallyhard for me because I felt like
I was really hiding behind thiswall and I couldn't be open and
I couldn't be honest withanyone.
And then when I had my secondomission, and that was not
really one that I expectedbecause I thought after the
(12:23):
first one I'd be healed, I'd befixed, like I'm on my way, I'm
totally okay.
Yeah, lol.
I really truly felt, I don'tknow.
I just kind of shared it onlineon my Instagram stories, and I
was like, hey, so I thought Iwould just share with everyone
that I'm actually in a mentalhealth hospital right now and
I'm really struggling, and theseare the things that are going
(12:45):
on with my life at the moment.
And um, I kid you not, theamount of messages and support
that I got from that, I went, ohcrap.
People actually do like me.
People actually do honestlycare.
And that was such a powerfulmoment for me because I felt
like I wasn't alone.
And the people that came backto me and said, My gosh, Karina,
(13:09):
I really thought I was the onlyone who struggled with those
things.
And the more I had theseconversations, the more I felt
this purpose of if I'm the onewith the verbal diarrhea and the
one that doesn't really haveany boundaries when it comes to
oversharing, then perhaps thisis my gift or my purpose of
(13:29):
being able to talk about mentalhealth honestly, start these
conversations in ways thatactually save lives and help
women believe and understandtheir worth and that how beloved
they are.
So through this podcast, I'mgonna share lots of different
conversations.
(13:49):
I hope that you can start tobuild and find different ways
that support your brain.
I'm gonna talk a lot abouthaving your own little mental
health toolbox.
It's like you go to the gym andyou've got the weights and the
treadmill and the squats and allof the rest of it, and you know
that these are ways that youcan support your physical body,
you make sure you eat all theright things and that, you know,
(14:10):
an apple day keeps the doctoraway, kind of things.
These are the kind ofconversations and the kind of
things that I want people tounderstand about their mental
health.
And if you're listening becauseyou are, you know, you care for
someone or you support someoneor you just want to understand
what it's like from someonewho's gone through, lived, had
that lived experience of livingwith mental health.
(14:31):
I hope that you can get somethings out of this to be able to
support those people aroundyou, build their own little
mental health toolkit, thatthing that they can reach to
when they're feeling reallyoverwhelmed.
So, yeah, this is so freakingcool, and I'm so fucking glad to
be here in so many differentways, shapes, forms.
(14:54):
But I've gone from thinkingthat everyone is better off
without me to actually thinkingand knowing and believing how
lucky I am to be alive andreally understanding the true
feeling of being alive.
So I'm here, I'm making thispodcast, but beginning a
(15:17):
movement.
I feel like a wanker sayingthat.
My God, but this is a thing.
This is one of the ways thatwe're going to be able to
normalize prioritizing mentalhealth.
We're gonna be able tonormalize having these
conversations.
It's not just gonna be all bluetrees and are you okay today,
and let's have a little cupcakeand talk about it.
It's not those surface levelconversations.
I'm not here for that.
(15:37):
I'm here for please tell me allyour nitty-gritty.
Please tell me all the things.
I wanna know.
I want to know because I wantto know how I can support you.
So if you're in your ownversion of the messy middle,
this podcast is a space for youto not feel so alone.
(15:58):
So, guys, episode one.
Woo-hoo! This is so crazy.
I cannot wait to see in 10years where this is, where this
has become.
And honestly, if it's literallyjust me and three other
listeners or two other peoplefollowing me on social media,
but I know that I've been ableto connect with people and
(16:20):
normalize these conversations,like I'm done.
My heart is full and I am done.
So, yeah, thanks for listening.
Thanks for hanging out with meon She's Honestly Mentor.
If today's episode cracked opensomething inside of you or gave
you space to exhale, come sayhi over at Instagram at She's
(16:41):
Honestly Mentor.
Or send this to someone whoneeds to hear that they're not
alone.
And if you haven't yet, hitthat follow button so the next
episode lands in your messy feedright where it belongs.
Until next time, take care ofyour brain.
You're not broken.
You're just honestly mental.
And all the best people are.