14. The story behind my first hospital admission

What if the signs that you needed help were hiding in your camera roll?

This episode is the audio version of going back through the photos and finally seeing the truth.

This one’s raw. I open up about the lead-up to my first mental health admission in 2019. Not from a perfect, polished hindsight place, but straight from the heart, scrolling through the chaos on my phone.

You’ll hear about the photo that broke me, the letter from the neighbour that crushed me, and the moment I realised I didn’t want to be here anymore. I talk about being medicated, misdiagnosed, and massively disconnected from myself, and what finally cracked open the truth I’d been hiding from everyone, including me.

If you’ve ever wondered how someone ends up in hospital, or what it feels like to be at breaking point, this episode tells the story no one else sees. The one behind the social media smiles and the perfectly manicured garden. It’s not easy to listen to. But it might be exactly what you need to hear.

If this one cracked something open for you, DM me on Instagram @sheshonestlymental, you’re not alone.

In this episode we cover:

• Why Corrina almost didn’t record this episode
• Scrolling through her photos from October 2019
• Realising how bad things had gotten (even while appearing "fine")
• Unregulated nervous system and parenting through burnout
• Selling essential oils while secretly falling apart
• Coaching programmes that didn’t understand her reality
• Losing her dog Lola and dealing with grief
• A hate letter from a neighbour that tipped her over the edge
• Jarrod’s grief and support
• Hiding suicidal thoughts from everyone
• What finally led her to hospital
• A rainbow, a quote, and the hope that kept her going
• Getting diagnosed with postnatal depression, PTSD, anxiety and depression
• The difference between someone who tries to fix you vs sit with you
• Choosing to share it all in the hope it helps someone else

• Invictus Apothecary (discount code: SHMFAM)
• Connect with Corrina on Instagram at @sheshonestlymental
• sheshonestlymental.com.au
• The Messy Middle – free community for offloading
• The Chaos Letters – sign up for raw mental health reflections
• Instagram (co-working): @hausofcollab
• Lifeline: 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Welcome to She's Honesty Mental, a podcast for
women who are done pretendingthey're fine when they're
falling apart on the inside.
I'm your host, Karina Rollinson,ADHD Brain, Medicated Mind, and
Proud Mental Health Hospitalalumni.
Still here, still trying upsomehow.
This is a space for the fillers,the fixers, and the ones who

(00:24):
carry it all and still wonder ifit's enough.
We talk about the chaos, theconnection, and everything in
between because silence nearlykilled me.
And these conversations savelives.
Alright, cacao in hand,headphones on, chaos
semi-contained.
Let's get honestly mental.

SPEAKER_01 (00:46):
Welcome to the episode that I don't know if I
actually want to record, but I'mgonna record it because I know.
Not that I know, but I actuallyreally hope that by me
explaining the process.
Honestly, I just don't know.
I wanted to record a podcast totalk about the anniversary of my

(01:14):
admission into the mental healthfacility.
So I think what I'm actuallygonna do is scroll back through
to my photos in my phone.
And let's look at October 2019,because I feel like that's when
yeah.
Got this photo on my phone fromOctober 2019, where well heck,

(01:41):
even just before that, was my30th birthday, the first of
September 2019, and far out thegirl that I see in these photos
is the girl that was trying todo everything and be everything
for everyone.

SPEAKER_02 (01:59):
And I wish I could hug her.
I wish that she could see wherewe are now.

SPEAKER_01 (02:13):
The girl that I see in these photos is the one that
heck going walking in themornings and what's this one?
Showing up on social media onMondays talking about mental
health, mental health awareness,when literally she's the one in

(02:36):
the depths.
And I suppose this was at thepoint where my doctor was saying
to me, Oh, creamy just burntout.
And I can see how burnt out andwrecked I was using essential
oils.
I found this other photo that'slike taking this metagenics
neurocarm, which was like amagnesium kind of thing.

(03:00):
All these flower remedies andessential oils.
I remember not being present formy children.
There's notes here.
The more aware I am of my mindand my heart racing, the more
they both race.
The more I try to relax themboth, the more energy I'm

(03:20):
putting into them needing torelax.
So instead I'm distracting myother senses because it's the
only thing that is actuallyworking.
That's being able to stop andsee myself now, just how much my
nervous system was notregulated, was really, really
hard.
And I think that's, you know, Ikept showing up, I kept trying

(03:44):
to do all of the things, bethere for people.
I remember really not being ableto regulate myself around my
children.
So a lot of the time, because Icouldn't regulate myself, they
would then cop the brunt of mebeing unregulated because then

(04:08):
they couldn't regulate becausethey're children, and I would
end up screaming at them andyelling at them, and it was it
was not fun.
That's just not a funenvironment for kids to be in.
Not a fun environment for me tobe in either.
There's photos here of me havinga box full of multivitamins.

(04:28):
Back then I was selling toTerraessential oils and I was taking
all their multivitamins.
Capiber, which was marketed tobe like cannabis oil, but not
cannabis oil, like having TCR, Idon't even remember.
Like it was just so much stuffin it.
Lavender and then again, someall these things.

(04:49):
It just hurts.
Being in coaching programs whenthey're saying, just go and have
fun, go and be like a child.
I have got photos here of theboys.
Uh see, I'm like, is this even areally good episode?
Because I'm just scrollingthrough my camera roll and

(05:12):
telling you about the things,but I don't know how else to do
it.
It's a lot of emotion, and Isuppose this is the only way
that I can really show therawness of it.
So if it resonates, awesome.
If it doesn't, whatever.
You know, my people.
I was in a coaching program andthey were saying, go have fun
with your kids.

(05:32):
And, you know, for me, I'drather not.
Because again, not being able toregulate myself when I'm trying
to then raise the little humansthat don't know how to regulate
themselves is really hard.
I really struggled with that.
I would show up at the kids'school and just be there and
everything.

(05:52):
But then I'd end up withmigraine.
This is so funny.
Going through, rebuilt my gardento make it really aesthetically
pleasing.
I've probably replanted most ofthat garden a couple of times
now in the last six years, andsome of it still dies, and some
of it I just go to Bunnings buya new plant and put it in there.
You know?

(06:12):
Yellow, why not?
I've got photos in here that aremy first little puppy Lola,
sweet little beautiful poodle.
We let her go because the sweetthing went blind and then
fretted and was really unwell.
I just yeah, that was a horribletime for our family.

(06:36):
Gosh.
Currently trying to work,however, the dogs have other
ideas being smothered by them.
I love that.
Trying to show up at school formy kids and be that really
present mum when I was alwaysbasically on call for work and
always had my phone on mebecause I needed to be present

(06:57):
for everyone else.
Bit of a theme going on here,right?
Ah, so rough, so rough, sorough.
Oh.
When all of this was reallyheightened for me before the
admission, my best friend, herpapa, had passed away.

(07:18):
And the night of his celebrationof life, we drove from my house
to her house.
Actually, no, it was the nightthat he'd passed.
And some little assholes threw arock at my car window, like a
massive, massive rock.
I'm so lucky.
So lucky that it didn't actuallysmash through the window.

(07:42):
And again, that's me showing upfor everyone else.
Me trying to be there for everyother human being.
And getting a note in my mailboxfrom some neighbours about how
about next time you pop over,take those two pain in the ass
dogs with you, way to ruin arelaxing Sunday for the whole
neighbourhood.
This is disgusting the way youleave your dogs to give everyone

(08:04):
the shits.
Look after them properly likeevery other normal human being,
or you'll be reported for animalcruelty.
That's hilarious considering thethings that are actually going
on in our neighbourhood at themoment.
Oh.
And no shit.
I got that in the letterbox, andthen the next day is the day
that we let our beautiful puppygo.
People are mean.

SPEAKER_02 (08:25):
People are mean.
It's still so raw.
I don't know.
I don't know what the emotion isaround it.
I think it's grief for sure.
I definitely think it's grieffor sure.

SPEAKER_01 (08:43):
But I know that if I hadn't have been through all of
this, that I wouldn't have Iwouldn't be here now.
And I do really hope by sharingmy reality it helps others.
I went through this phase ofactually throwing out all of my

(09:03):
self-help books, and it'ssomething that I still really
feel like really.
Like run for the hills.

(09:25):
If someone's like, I can come inand I can sit with you through
the mess and help you find a wayout, have that person.
But yeah, I know when one day Iwrite a book, I feel like it's
gonna be more of a memoir.

SPEAKER_00 (09:41):
If you've been around for a while, you already
know.
My mornings don't start withoutmy cacao.
I've been drinking InvictusApocalypse ceremonial cacao
since 2020.
It's literally been everywherewith me, across Australia, up to
Broome, and even in my inpatienthospital stays.
It's my one little moment ofsacredness each morning, usually

(10:04):
brought to me Made with Love byJared.
Bless him.
The beautiful humans behind it,Jody and Ben, aka the Captain
and the Crew, also run NaturallyEsperance, their gorgeous local
store and dispensary.
They've been part of my worldfor years, and I'm honestly so
grateful for what they'vecreated.
And now they give me a littlesomething for you, my She's

(10:27):
Honestly Mental fan.
You can get 10% off their 250gram and one kilo cacao install
and online using the code SHMFAM or one word.
Just head toInvictusapokathery.com.au or pop
into naturally esmerants ifyou're a local.

SPEAKER_02 (11:29):
I want to be able to talk about it, but I don't know
if I can talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 (11:33):
And I think that's the thing, like to go into all
of the detail of it, it's stillreally heavy.

SPEAKER_02 (11:41):
There's a lot of grief for sure.
But I think for me it was beingin that situation on my own
because I hadn't told anyone howbad my thoughts were.

SPEAKER_01 (12:01):
My GP kind of knew, obviously, because I'd been
sick, like I kept getting thesechest infections or tonsillitis
or something.
And so he kept saying, you know,like what's wrong?
And he knew, like, he knows, youknow, it's a small country town,
like he knows.
But it was when I was finallyactually, I suppose, seen by my

(12:25):
family for all of the stuff thatI was trying to hold.

SPEAKER_02 (12:29):
And then they turned around and went that, you know,
like they didn't want to loseme.
I truly believed that I wasn'tworthy of being here anymore.

SPEAKER_01 (12:44):
And so when they you know, I know there's been so
many times where Jared reallycried and cried and cried, and
he's tried so hard to keep mefrom wanting to end it all, but

(13:04):
it comes down to this like trulygenuine self-love and
self-appreciation andself-understanding.

SPEAKER_02 (13:17):
And I didn't have that.
There was no love for me.
And one of my biggest takeawayshas been when it's like when
you're looking for your keys andyou can't find your keys and
your keys are actually rightthere in front of you.

SPEAKER_01 (13:36):
It's that kind of stuff.
It's like you're looking for theevidence that you don't belong,
or that you're not needed, orthat you're not wanted.
That's the evidence that you'regoing to find.
You're not going to be able tosee the truth.

SPEAKER_02 (13:50):
And I can tell you that the truth will always be
we're better off with you herethan not.
And I know that now.
I feel like a wanker saying it.
But I'm a gift to this world.

(14:10):
Every single one of us are.

SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
Oh, Cass, if you're listening, this is hilarious.
So the day after, there'sactually this little photo of a
rainbow.

SPEAKER_02 (14:57):
Someone once said to me that when you are suicidal,
and you think that death is theonly way out.
And you've got a plan, and youknow that's as close as the
close to the edge that you couldpossibly get.

SPEAKER_01 (15:21):
And I think that that's why there's so much
gratitude in my heart now,because I've been there.
And to be able to see thingslike rainbows, storms, a storm
that we had at SurfCloud theother day was insane.

SPEAKER_02 (15:41):
But it was so beautiful.
Being able to see that has beenwild.

SPEAKER_01 (15:51):
And I think this is what I don't I really don't
think people understand just thepower of getting those messages
and being a part of a communityand being appreciated really
means.

SPEAKER_02 (16:08):
I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 (16:11):
Maybe one day I'll have a book and I'll be able to
share a bit more of it, more ofthe depths, but then I also I
don't want to be in DebbieDowner either.

SPEAKER_02 (16:26):
She found overwhelming grace.
And that's by MorganHarpenicles.

SPEAKER_01 (16:35):
So yeah, as it comes up to that was kind of the thing
for me was everything wentreally kind of pear-shaped the
middle of October 2019.
And then I spent a couple ofweeks going back and forth to
Perth seeing naturopaths andhypnotherapists and all of the

(17:00):
kind of self-help developmentthings that I possibly could do
whilst I waited for theappointment with my
psychiatrist.
So was then kind of when Ifinally had my psychiatrist
appointment, was when I wasdiagnosed with postnatal
depression, PTSD, generalizedanxiety, major depression, all

(17:23):
of the fun things.

SPEAKER_02 (17:25):
But I think the biggest thing for me now is
being able to be on this otherside.

SPEAKER_01 (17:36):
So yeah, there's a really heavy episode for you,
and I'm like, I don't even knowif that's worth it.
I'm gonna hit send on this andsee what happens.

SPEAKER_00 (17:51):
Yeah, thanks for being here with me.
Thanks for hanging out with meon She's Honestly Mentor.
If today's episode cracked opensomething inside of you or gave
you space to exhale, come say hiover at Instagram at She's
Honestly Mentor.
Or send this to someone whoneeds to hear that they're not

(18:12):
alone.
And if you haven't yet, hit thatfollow button so the next
episode lands in your messy feedright where it belongs.
Until next time, take care ofyour brain.
You're not broken, you're justhonestly mental, and all the
best people are.