3. Why I walked out barefoot and didn’t come back

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to She's Honestly Mental, a podcast for
women who are done pretendingthey're fine when they're
falling apart on the inside.
I'm your host, Karina Robinson,ADHD Brain, Medicated Mind, and
proud mental health hospitalalumni.
Still here, still showing upsomehow.
This is the space for thefillers, the fixers, and the

(00:24):
ones who carry it all and stillwonder if it's enough.
We talk about the chaos, theconnection, and everything in
between because silence nearlykilled me.
And these conversations savelives.
Alright, cacao in hand,headphones on, chaos
semi-contained.
Let's get honestly mental.
So in this episode, we're goingto talk about why this space

(00:49):
matters and why I am donepretending.
I was probably done pretendinga little while ago, but anyway.
Alright, so guys, let's chat alittle bit more about the
community, about the big vision,and how honestly grateful I am

(01:10):
to have you here in this spacewith me.
Because if it wasn't for youguys, and I feel like I'm just
saying this to like probably myonly two listeners, and to be
honest, they're probably my bestfriends.
Or it's actually Laura who'sdoing the editing for me.
Like, if it's any more thanthat, fuck, thank you.

(01:32):
So I built this space because Ireally couldn't find one like
it.
There's lots of spaces outthere and lots of people out
there that are like, I'm a lifecoach, and I've definitely been
down this path before.
So um, if you've been followingalong for a while, you know
I've kind of dabbled with likecoaching and wanting to be a

(01:53):
dueler and like trying to helppeople with their business, be
an online business manager andall of these things.
And I remember talking toCourtney.
Shout out to Courtney fromSteekin Wilder.
Um she's my astrologist andshe's fucking amazing.
She's one of my tools in mytoolbox of my support.
And one of my other friendsthinks it's absolutely hilarious

(02:14):
because I'll be sitting heretalking about like dead serious
stuff, whether it's buildings,SOPs, talking about HR, business
structure, all of these, youknow, marketing and stuff like
that.
And then I'll come out with,well, my astrologist actually
said to me that I'm in my Chironseason and blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
So this currently means X, Y,Z.

(02:36):
Or in my human design, I'm agenerator and I have an open
throat, which means, and she'sjust like, dude, you clearly are
ADHD.

Speaker (02:46):
I was like, oh, yeah, dad.

Speaker 1 (02:49):
So for me, this space is not about fixing.
It's not about telling you howthese are your 10 steps, how to
build boundaries and how to dothese hard conversations and
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
This podcast is about reallyhonoring you and that space of
where you're at and helping youbuild your toolbox and helping

(03:09):
you find the support that youneed.
I created, she's honestlymental was funny because, like
you can scroll back through myInstagram.
I've probably had it for abouteight or nine years, and it's
gone from selling doTERRAessential oils to being a
hypnobirthing practitioner, tobeing a dualer, to then kind of

(03:31):
just being a personal blog whereI just openly spoke about my
mental health.
And then I was like, oh, hangon a minute.
I want to be a VA, I want to bean online business manager, so
like let's just switch gears andall these other things.
And I remember when we had ourthird baby.
So we've got three boys, 12,10, and two and a half.
And holy shit, love these guysso much, but they are my biggest

(03:52):
teachers.
I tell you what.
I was sitting therebreastfeeding my third baby, and
I just said to my husband,like, I just had this wild idea.
I was like, oh my gosh, I'mhonestly mental.
That's it.
Honestly mental.
Like, that's the brand.
Like, that's my new Instagramhandle.
I want merch.

(04:13):
I want stickers.
I want a community.
Like, I want all the things.
I'm gonna be able to helpwomen.
I'm gonna be able to blah,blah, blah, blah, blah.
And like, dudes, that was twoand a half years ago.
And we're here now, uh, August2025.
And I'm kind of just beginningnow.
Like, it's percolating, it'sfermenting.
This is all in my time.

(04:34):
This is all when it feelsright.
This is not me forcing.
Because I know when I force,when I try to sell, when I try
to be strategic and all theseother things, the universe is
like, Karina jokes.
You have no control over thisbitch.
You can sit in the passengerseat for a bit and like let me
take you for a drive.

(04:54):
And it's gonna be reallyfucking scenic because when
taking the shortcut these days,we are taking the beautiful,
winding coastal road through allthe mountains.
It's probably actually gonnamake you a little bit karstic,
but anyway, it'll just buildcharacter.
Like I said, I don't know wherethis is gonna go.
As someone with verbal diarrheaand loves a good spiral, I'm

(05:17):
trusting the process.
So I have one little thing.
So we've got the messy middle,which is my online community.
You can follow the link in mybio in my Instagram at She's
Honestly Mental, but it's a freecommunity.
It's built to be able to holdwomen where they're at.
And so the really cool thingthat I love about the messy
middle is we have an offloadchecklist.

(05:37):
So the offload checklist is away to be able to provide safety
for the people participating inthe group.
And so, like, if you want tovent, you want to be like, oh my
god, my husband's such a jerk,he spilt my milk or whatever, or
he didn't put the toilet seatdown.
Like, get that vent becauselike just getting it off your

(05:59):
chest in a safe place is okay.
But it's like you preface it.
You're like, vent incoming, myhusband is a jerk, or my kids,
they're so XYZ.
And there's like zero judgment.
We like meet you where you'reat, you know, everyone's on
their own journey.
And then by just being like,This is a vent, people can
comment lol's same, or like, ohmy gosh, I get it.

(06:21):
But it just helps likenormalize, like you're not on
your own.
But then the other things toois like you need advice.
You're like, hey, I'm chasingadvice, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it then gives safety aroundthe person responding.
They're like, Oh, this person'sjust venting.
I don't actually need to sayanything.
Like, they just want a littlelove heart emoji or something.
Or they're actually asking forhow do you build structure in

(06:44):
your day?
Like, one of the things westruggle with at home is like
trying to get our boys to dojobs around the house.
And one of my friends, who's aschool psych, she's just an
absolute legend.
She shared the other day on herInstagram, she's like, I've
created a habit tracker for mykids.
And since I've changed it frombeing a chore chart to a habit
tracker, the kids are frothing.

(07:05):
They're absolutely loving it.
And I was like, okay, cool.
Let me gamify this for my kids.
And so I jumped on Canva and alittle chat GPT and I gamified
this habit tracker for my kids,and I had to sign a little
contract, and they earn XP.
So if your kids are gamers, youknow what it is.
I don't even understand some ofthe things that I put in this
little contract for them, butthey're frothing over it.

(07:25):
And this week I'm away and myhusband's at home with them, and
he's like, they're actuallydoing it.
Someone is the Kitchen King forthe week, and the other one's a
laundry legend for the week.
And they're owning thosespaces.
So it was like, this is whatactually works for their brains.
So let's be in a space where wefind things that work for the
brains.
And like connecting andcollaborating and all of these

(07:46):
things is just so important inlife.
And that's why I really believethat sharing my story is a way
to be able to build connection.
One of the first stories that Iread that helped me go, holy
shit, it is not just me, isBrene Brown's Braving the
Wilderness.
She talks about her story ofgrowing up, being like the only

(08:10):
white girl at an all-blackschool, these kind of things,
and like her naming Brene.
I fuck, I just love that womanso much.
It just really normalizedgirlhood for me.
And then she talks a lot abouther relationship with her
husband.
She speaks so much about shameand how much we like shame on
ourselves and like shame andshould are like in the same boat
for me.

(08:30):
They're like, would you shit onyourself?
No.
So why are you shooting onyourself?
Like, why are you coveringyourself in shame?
Like, ooh, no, we don't do thathere.
We don't do that here.
We just go, you know what?
I'm just in a really shit spotat the moment.
Like, no, I should be cleaningthe house or I should be folding

(08:51):
the washing or blah, blah,blah.
Like, we're just like justhonoring where we're at.
The washing will be theretomorrow.
Can be done tomorrow.
That's why they inventedwashing machines, you know?
Gotta do a rinse cycle threetimes.
Cool.
Me too.
I'm not the first one, andyou're definitely not the first
one, and you're definitely notthe only one that does that.
I couldn't even tell you theamount of times.

(09:11):
That's why I've got a laundrylegend at home and my kids do a
lot of this stuff for me.
So that's what the messy middleis about.
It's like dishonoring thatspace.
We don't need to wear maskshere.
You don't need to clean up themess.
Like, I'm coming over to yourhouse.
Please don't do the dishes.
Like, please don't perform forme.
We don't do performances here.
We just do real.
I suppose I want to give alittle bit more of a snippet of

(09:35):
my second hospital admission.
So, my second hospitaladmission was when I was
hospitalized in December and Iwas home just before Christmas.
And that was just, I feel likeI was in an alternate universe.
I was so heavily medicated.
I wasn't functioning.
Like I could do the things, butI just didn't have a lot of

(09:57):
brain capacity because themedication had really dulled me
out, which is what my bodyneeded at the time.
It's like when you break yourleg, you put the cast on, you
leave the cast on until the legis healed.
At that time, my brain and mybody really needed to reset.
And that's where the use ofmedication was so amazing
because it was able to help mybody reset.

(10:19):
And it gave me the opportunity,and this is something I'll talk
about a little bit later.
We'll talk about like neuralpathways and all of these really
cool things.
But it's if you start to tellyourself the same thing over and
over and over again, your bodywill believe it in its DNA, in
its genetics and everything.
Like it truly believes it.

(10:41):
And so that's why sometimeswhen you're saying affirmations,
like I am worthy, I ambeautiful, I am loved, they make
you want to vomit.
One really cool little thingthat I remember some naturopath
homeopath told me about, orkinesiologist, whatever.
I like, I've done all themodalities, I feel like.
She goes, It's something like,I truly love and accept myself

(11:06):
as I am, as I was, and as Ialways will be.
And that was really powerfulfor me because I was like, huh,
I do love myself.
And it's really big.
So yeah, when thoseaffirmations and stuff like that
make you feel like gross, orthere's no way that that could

(11:26):
be true about me, just like babysteps, babe.
Like you walk around my houseand I've got like little sticky
notes of like you can and youcan choose, and those things,
and they might not feel true ordoable in the time, but the more
I see them, the more I'm like,oh, actually, yeah.
Yeah.
I remember I've been journalingon and off for the last I don't

(11:50):
know, long time, 10 years, Isuppose.
And very sporadically.
And I've always kind of said tomyself, like, I am proud of
you.
I am super proud of you, orproud of me.
Like, I'm really proud of mefor whatever I managed to
achieve that day, or whatever Iknow that I've been able to grow

(12:10):
over that period.
It's just powerful the thingsthat you say to yourself.
So rewind, I was dischargedjust before Christmas, 2019.
And then New Year's 2020, likeso January 2020, I managed to
convince my husband that evenwith all of the medication that

(12:34):
I'm on, it would be totally okayfor me to fall pregnant.
Loser.
Absolutely, that's a no for me.
But I did, I fell pregnantstraight away.
And I remember flying to Perthto see my psychiatrist for a
checkup.
I think it was like six weeksafter I'd been discharged.

(12:55):
And I was like, surprise, I'mpregnant.
And honestly, you could haveseen her jaw hit the floor.
And she's like, Karina, no, themedication that you're on could
actually cause a spontaneousabortion.
And I was like, you know, likeif that's what happens, it's
meant to be, I'll be fine.
Like, it's God's plan.

(13:16):
And so then the next week Iwent and had a scan, and the
scenographer was like, Look, thebaby's a little bit small for
the time like at the time, likemaybe you're not so far along as
you thought.
There's no heartbeat there.
And I was like, okay, cool, goback in a week and have a scan.
And then at like, remembergoing to the toilet at like 2:30
that afternoon and startedbleeding.

(13:40):
And I rang the doctor's surgerystraight away.
And my doctor, who used to bean obstetrician, he's like, come
down.
And went down and he said,Look, doll, like it's not
looking great, but these thingscould happen.
We'll just see what happens.
And then the next morning, Iwas like, that was it.

(14:00):
I lost the pregnancy.
And so I remember honestly thepain.
I felt like I was in labor.
It was just insane.
It was horrible.
So I went up to the ED and Igot this nurse, and she was just
like, What's wrong?
And I was like, Well, I missCarrie, and she's just okay.

(14:21):
And what's your medicalhistory?
And so I just had to tell herabout the mental health stuff
and blah, blah, blah, blah,blah.
And she's like, okay, well,we'll have to just put that
under mental health, like admityou, kind of like bring you in
under mental health instead ofmaternity.
And I was like, you're justliterally rubbing the salt in
the wound.
Do you need to?
Like, please just honor whereI'm at right now and I'm really

(14:44):
fucking struggling and I'm in afucking shit ton of pain.
And I'm not okay.
It doesn't matter if I'm herefor mental health.
It doesn't matter if I'm herejust because I want to
chit-chat.
Like, please don't.
I'll preface this in saying,like, not all medical
professionals are like that.
And I'd like to say there'sless medical professionals like
that these days than what therewas years ago, just because of

(15:05):
how openly people talk aboutmental health these days.
So we lost that beautiful baby.
And the same time my husbandwas like, Oh, by the way, I want
to start my own business.
And I was like, Are you fuckingkidding me?
Like at that time, he was theleading hand for my parents with
their earth-moving constructionbusiness.
And literally the day beforethings were pretty heated and I

(15:31):
was not doing great.
And something was going on withmy eldest, and he's had asthma
his whole life, and he wascoughing heaps, and I was just
in bed, like melting down.
And I yelled at my husband, I'mlike, just fucking give him his
medication.
And I just hate it when I getlike this sometimes, but this is

(15:52):
a bit like of the PTSD stuff.
And I was just super fuckingtriggered, I suppose is the word
for it.
And I went out there and Igrabbed his medicine bag and I
threw it so hard against thewall.
And of course, then the shamespiral hit me, and I was like,
You're a fucking dickhead,you're an idiot.
So I just walked out of thehouse and I left, and I didn't

(16:15):
have my phone on, I didn't haveshoes on.
And like this is a thing.
Like I grew up with like younever left the house without
having shoes on.
We don't do that.
We are not seen in publicwithout shoes on.
And I walked up to the bridgeand I kind of just looked and I
went, I'm done.

(16:37):
And I actually just a littlebit was like, God, is this it
for me?
And I kept walking and I walkedpast friends' houses that I
know that I could have walkedinto and asked for help.
And I had no idea what wasgoing on.
And I know now that they callit disassociated, where you're

(17:00):
actually not in your body.
And I realized now, obviously,having gone through my mental
health of how often I woulddisassociate.
And it was a lot.
I was flying to Perth the nextday to see my psychiatrist and
got meet with my brother to meetthe bookkeeper and all of the
other things.
And I just said to myself,like, I went and sat on the

(17:23):
beach, and I just was like,okay, I'll sleep here the night.
I just I can't go home.
I'm done.
I don't know what to do.
And then I just kind of got upand kept walking, and I was
like, I really hope no one seesme because I'm actually really
fucking crazy right now and I'mlike losing my shit.
And I walked to my in-laws'house and I could hear my kids

(17:47):
laughing.
So I knew my kids were safe,but I also then probably knew
that my husband was out lookingfor me.
And I feel so shit about this,but just the whole thing, like
I'm just so grateful for him forsomeone to love me so deeply
when I couldn't love myself.

(18:08):
Like, fuck.
That's a thing, right?
And I I press mymother-in-law's, like, she's got
like this fancy gate thing, andI press the like doorbell, and
I just was like, It's me.
Can you please take me home?
And she's just come out andwe've just given me a hug, we've
jumped in the car and she'staken me home to my husband, and

(18:29):
my kids had no idea that I wasthere.
And yeah, it just was a lot,like it was a lot.
And the next day I jumped onthe plane, I flew to Perth, I
met with my brother, and youknow, like we went to the casino
and we did all the things andeverything was fine.
And then the next day when Isaw my psychiatrist, I actually
had an appointment with apsychologist, and she's like,
Oh, um, Karina, I don't reallythink that you're you're safe

(18:52):
right now, and I don't reallyknow if you should be going
home.
And I was like, Oh, no, I'mgood, like, I'm fine, like,
let's keep going.
And by the time I'd walked frommy psychologist's office to my
psychiatrist's office, thepsychologist, like, and there's
literally like 20 meters betweenthe two of them.
The psychologist had rung thepsychiatrist and kind of given
her a bit of a heads up.

(19:13):
And I sat down, I spoke to thepsychiatrist, and she's just
like, if you're happy to, Ireally think the best thing for
you to do is to be readmitted.
I was just like, um, okay ifyou say so.
And just so fucking grateful mysister.
She worked around the cornerand I I rang her and I was like,
you need to come get me.

(19:34):
Please come and get me.

Speaker (19:37):
Being someone who has always looked after everyone
else, I really, really neededsomeone to hold me.

Speaker 1 (19:50):
And I think that's what I found so helpful in
getting the support that Ineeded and being in hospital
because I was able to have thatspace where someone else could
look after me and just give methat break from reality for a

(20:13):
little bit.

Speaker (20:15):
And that's why I openly talk about this.

Speaker 1 (20:18):
Because being in a mental health hospital isn't
straight jackets, it's not beingin pattered rooms, it's group
therapy, it's conversations,it's about being held, it's
about having access to doctorsand specialists and nurses that
are trained in holding space forpeople that are not well.

(20:39):
It's just so important that wehave these conversations, that
we normalize them.
And I really hope that thepeople that have supported me
and loved me through all of mymess truly know how grateful I
am.
And I always say those thatmatter don't mind, and those

(21:03):
that mind don't matter, becausethe people that I were worried
that I was really worried aboutmaking judgment of me and all of
the rest of it, I actually havelearnt not to give a fuck about
them.
Because the people who trulyknow me, truly love me, and want
me to be here.
So that's a bit more about mystory.

(21:25):
And holy shit, when I say I'mgrateful to be alive and I'm
grateful to be here, I truly,truly mean it.
I'm really excited.
I'm excited for this podcast.
I'm excited to see where she'shonestly mental lands.
I would really love to be ableto build a not-for-profit, one

(21:45):
that can help pay for women whocan't afford to get the support
that they need.
And I really hope that by thetime I actually leave this
planet, leave this universe,leave this world, that
prioritizing your mental healthis just as normal as
prioritizing your physicalhealth.

(22:08):
I hope that as my children growup, it's completely normal to
discuss things and to be like,hey, I'm actually really
struggling and to be met withempathy instead of judgment.
How amazing.
Thanks for joining me foranother episode of She's
Honestly Mental.
Make sure you jump into myInstagram and check out the

(22:30):
links in my bio because if youhaven't actually already stalked
me on socials, you're missingout because my content's so
funny.
But I've got the messy middle,which is the group.
It's free.
Did I mention that it'sactually for free?
Because I'm not here to makemoney off of this.
Anything that I make off ofShe's Honestly Mental or

(22:50):
anything is actually going to beput aside for funding my
not-for-profit eventually.
So that's like I say, my big,scary, audacious goal, the one
that makes me want to spew, butthe one that I feel like I've
been put on this planet to do.
And I really, really hateselling to people.

(23:10):
It's gross.
Did you I also do the chaosletters?
Anyway, so the chaos letters islike a one-time kind of once a
week, maybe twice a week, onceevery second week whenever I
feel like it.
I just have this chaos that'sin my brain that I kind of like
voice note and then drop it intoan email and send it out.
So come hang out at the messymiddle, subscribe to the chaos
letters, and keep listening.

(23:32):
Thanks for joining.
Thanks for hanging out with meon She's Honestly Mentor.
If today's episode cracked opensomething inside of you or gave
you space to exhale, come sayhi over at Instagram at She's
Honestly Mentor.
Or send this to someone whoneeds to hear that they're not
alone.
And if you haven't yet, hitthat follow button so the next

(23:54):
episode lands in your messy feedright where it belongs.
Until next time, take care ofyour brain.
You're not broken.
You're just honestly mental.
And all the best people are.

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